#cdds first

[sysmedsaresexist]

The idea that emotional abuse and neglect have to be purposeful, with intent and malice, in order to be "enough" is wrong, and is not supported by science

I can't believe I have to say this.

Well meaning, well intentioned parents can and do neglect and abuse their children without EVER realizing it.

A parent can love their child and want the absolute best for them, and still fuck their children up in horrible ways that will stay with them for life.

When it comes to trauma and DID, this isn't an area where you can play Olympics. Anyone who can look at another person and go, "that wasn't enough, you have to have more trauma," is in the wrong.

You are flat out wrong.

Your behaviour is wrong.

Your facts are wrong.

Your understanding of trauma, CDDs, and DA is wrong.

Your actions and words are wrong.

Look at generational trauma, homophobic and transphobic parents that just "want their children to succeed" while stamping out any and all "weirdness", parents with their own mental illness that prevents them from responding appropriately their children or causes outbursts, parents with outdated strategies that they thought worked on them, parents that mishandle their child's outbursts with speed rather than understanding in mind, abusers that are young and don't understand what they're doing, single parents that work two jobs and now their kid has to take care of themselves and their siblings, nuclear families with low income, body shaming parents that just want to protect you from other's cruelty, the list goes on and on.

You've probably experienced more than one of these.

And probably for a long time, right? Maybe your entire childhood?

Huh, it's almost like that's repetitive, longterm trauma.

Do NOT let anyone invalidate your trauma.

It was bad enough.

More reading.

And more.

#not syscourse #pro syscourse conversation #did #osdd #actuallydid #actually did #actually osdd #osddid #actually dissociative #actually traumagenic #cdd system #CDDs first

[systememergency]

OSDDID community, please remember that, yes, most cases of DID are covert, but not all cases. I am an overt DID system, my alters act extremely different from me and this has repeatedly caused me issues throughout my whole life. It has made navigating this disorder extremely difficult for me and has made people other me a lot. People have almost called emergency services on me for how differently I start acting when certain alters front. I physically cannot hide my symptoms. My symptoms have always been pointed out by others and I was very much estranged from and bullied by people around me for it. Even teachers would badger me over my symptoms.

It gets really tiring and demotivating seeing people saying over and over that "DID is covert," "DID is hidden," "DID never makes itself known" when all my life my DID has been overt, has never been hidden, and has made itself known. It makes me feel like my existence is inconvenient to address because people want to feel better about their experiences. But what about my experiences? It makes me feel isolated from the community because people are constantly saying that my experience is not real which has driven me further and further away from OSDDID communities because there's such scorn for the idea that overt systems do exist.

You can absolutely acknowledge that OSDDID most of the time is covert and not spotted by others. A lot of people do end up figuring out symptoms purely on their own and others doubt their symptoms because they are not obvious enough, and that sucks. But please do not then assume your experience is the only one and that overt systems are some made up concept or that OSDDID is inherently covert. We do exist and we need a place within the community as well

#This made processing the fact that I'm an overt system 100x harder bc it makes me feel isolated from a community that I joined #in the first place bc I felt isolated from everyone else #I noticed this is mostly a problem on reddit but I've also noticed it here so I figured I should say it #Anyway I'm v nervous about posting this for some reason - I hope it comes across in the way I intend lol #osddid system #did #osddid #cdd #did system #actually did #complex dissociative disorder #did osdd #dissociative identity disorder #system things #overt did #overt dissociative identity disorder #rant #rant kinda

[sysciety]

I think the most interesting part from The Haunted Self that I've read so far was the chapter on Primary Structural Dissociation. I initially skipped over it since I was trying to find something specific from the next couple of chapters but I'm glad I went back.

Primary structural dissociation is the type associated to ptsd and c-ptsd. It's not really linked with CDDs since those fall under secondary/tertiary dissociation. But the book talks about how even in primary structural dissociation there are cases where the anp and ep are more separate from each other - not to the level of elaboration that a cdd would contain, but still where the patient described the ep as somewhat separated from them (one example had an ep who was a different age and viewed the anp as another example, though notably that person had experienced childhood trauma)

It also talks about how switching between parts has been observed in cases of (c)-ptsd and talks about WW1 veterans switching from ep to anp once having left battle. It's not like switching in CDDs (it even specifies as a clinical term switching should be used only for those) where switching is between autonomous parts but describes the ep and anp in terms of their reactions and perceptions of the world. (Ex - a person's perception of x thing might change suddenly and that'd be the indicator of a switch - though their sense of identity remains the same)

I've said it before but I don't think system and singlet are the dichotomy people make them out to be - in both experience and, well, who exactly qualifies under "a person with with multiple parts."

Ptsd on its own is obviously not a system causing disorder. Most people with it would probably consider themselves singlets without a second thought. But it's still something really interesting to me to think about when it comes to the way dissociation affects the brain.

#(post i wrote up a bit ago that was saved in drafts) #kind of an infodump on chapter 2 but whatever this is my soapbox #I'm a first time reader on primary structural dissociation #so if I'm understanding anything wrong feel free to correct me #the haunted self #actually traumagenic #actually dissociative #actually osdd #actually did #osddid #system stuff #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #not really system related but system adjacent #pwCDDs might find it interesting idk #cdd system #cdd tarts

[oopsallsyscourse]

Please can we stop having this discussion

#syscourse #there are plenty of reasons for a post to have an endo dni on it that aren't “i don't believe they're real systems” #hell i almost put one on my first syscourse post because i didn’t endogenic systems clowning on my vent #that was specifically about endos speaking over cdds on their own disorders #and if you've been here a while you’ll know how that went #sickcourse

[cyberneticginger]

Honestly, shout out to alters who didn’t know they’re alters. Not necessarily people who thought they were the only person in their bodies, but people who met other alters (even the host!) but didn’t realize what they were experiencing was a complex dissociative disorder.

When I first formed, we were like 16, and we hadn’t learned the ins and outs about CDDs yet, but we knew there was something going on in our brain. We thought it was something else, and even once we learned about DID and OSDD, we didn’t realize we’d developed one of those disorders over the course of our messed up childhood. We thought what we had going on was completely something else, and that everyone had multiple versions of themself in their mind, in the most literal of senses. I knew the host and worked closely alongside him, and he never tried to deny my existence, and never even put his existence above mine or anyone else in our brain—but we Still didn’t realize we were a system, and I Still didn’t realize I was an alter, even after other alters started to catch on. Maybe that sounds silly, but I think it might be a more common experience than people talk about, and I want to say: If that was your experience, I see you. It’s not bad that you didn’t realize, these disorders are meant to be stealthy

#my first post I know I know #but I've been hiding away in headspace Embarrassed about this exact thing for a while now #and I don't think I should be embarrassed about it ! #osdd #did #actually osdd #osdd 1b #traumagenic osdd #actually traumagenic #cdd system #complex dissociative disorder #osdd system #osdd 1b system #it's a little lengthy but you can reblog it if you want!

[circular-bircular]

As a system who got stuck in endo spaces by hearing “you can only have a system if you have trauma,” I agree that that phrase probably doesn’t help anyone. It either embitters endogenic systems or forces traumagenic systems who can’t recall their trauma to retreat further into spaces that may be unhealthy for them.

So why isn’t the phrase “you may have a CDD if you experience X”

Genuinely, I don’t give a shit about being a system. That part of my life wasn’t the part I needed to come to terms with, and genuinely, I was fully convinced (even until recently) that singlets also experience “people talking in my head” syndrome. The thing I actually needed to come to terms with was the trauma responses I was having (and ignoring) because my disorder was hiding it from me.

Regardless of how my system formed, there were other issues going on. The system is only one symptom; so why is it the only one I ever hear about?

You may have a CDD if you have a system AND

Have blackout memories

Have flashbacks frequently to ‘difficult times’

‘Zone out’ a lot, to the degree that many hours have passed that you have little to no recollection of

A lack of emotional attachment to memories or things that have happened

Can identify trauma responses

Idk. Just like. Shit I wish I could’ve heard at the start.

#syscourse #venting #Kitty Caught The Rabbit #I guess what I’m getting at here is #If you actually care about helping folks with CDDs #Perhaps focus less on Endogenics #And more on the trauma that causes CDDs in the first place #syscourse unaligned

[incorrectcooldojidanshi]

hayate: i need advice mima: with what? hayate: well, how did you know you were in love with igarashi-san? mima: . . . i'm in love with motoharu?

#the FIRST time we see mima laugh like that and it's three volumes in with igarashi #like GAH i love them so much #mima takayuki #ichikura hayate #honorary mention to: #igarashi motoharu #incorrect quotes #cool doji danshi #play it cool guys #cdd #picg #incorrect cool doji danshi #incorrect picg #incorrect play it cool guys #incorrect cdd #mimarashi

[nicname]

Having c/ptsd is the Fucking worst. It’s so hit or miss whether or not the people around you during a ptsd attack are going to know how to handle themselves during it, and if you get Really Unlucky you end up with a bunch of assholes who gaslight you over it or hold it over your head in some way. And even if you get “lucky” and have someone who understands how to act during it, you still feel so fucking ashamed afterward because they had to see you in that state.

#vent but you can reblog #nic speaks #ptsd #cptsd #osdd #trauma survivor #I’ve been struggling A Lot with the mental illness lately #but tonight was the first time in a while I had a full blown ptsd attack #fuckin hate it #(not to mention when one of the alters brought it up in a cdd discord.. he got dogpiled. So.) #(@ those guys Thanks to y’all for not fuckin helping. y’all should understand this better than anyone)

[sysmedsaresexist]

I do not mean to sound stupid, but I read your post "dissociation is not solely trauma-based", and I was wondering if you knew of any sources or books about it? I think I don't fully understand what dissociation is. For exemple, no matter how I look at it, I don't understand how meditation could be considered like anything close to dissociation, simply because it's also used as a grounding technique.

I'm combining two asks here, because I'm going to cover both in one go :) you don't sound stupid.

You've got to start with the understanding that dissociation is a continuum from normal (aka nonpathological) to "abnormal" (I hate that word, but aka pathological). I finally dropped the wild existence of Dr Jamie Marich, clinical trauma specialist and a pro endo, CDD system, who wrote Dissociation Made Simple. Let me quote because the book is actually good.

Yes, dissociation is so hard to understand that she wrote an entire book about the concept.

"The English word dissociation comes from the Latin root dissociātiō, meaning “to sever” or “to separate.” At this point when lecturing, I usually ask my students: What are we severing or separating from when we dissociate? You may take a moment, before reading on, to ask this question of yourself. Try not to think on it too rationally. Listen to your gut-level response...

For the purposes of this opening chapter, let’s focus on the form of separation that every human being can likely relate to —severing or separating from the present moment—especially when the present moment becomes unpleasant, overwhelming, or otherwise painful."

Dissociation is a disconnect from something-- this can be memories, thoughts, emotions, or, in worst cases, reality. The present moment.

Not all meditation is dissociative, but most is. For example, emptiness meditation is about disconnecting from everything in the moment. You are literally fine-tuning your dissociative techniques. This is also true when you're using grounding meditation to disconnect from overwhelming emotions or thoughts to get back into the moment.

There are a variety of tasks that we either develop naturally or learn as a way to achieve some degree of separation (e.g., enough to stay somewhat present but still get some relief, or going further into totally cutting oneself off from in-the-moment presence). Dissociation of this nature is not all or nothing—it generally happens in degrees and can depend upon how much distress you feel in any given context. We can do this by daydreaming, drifting off, zoning out, zoning inward, disengaging eye contact with people, losing focus (especially when driving), or getting a little floaty in many other life circumstances. Some people frame this “floatiness” as similar to hypnotic trance and others feel it is quite distinct. We may even take deliberate steps to enhance the experience of separation. How often have you escaped into a book or a movie, into your phone or computer, or into some activity, because it makes the harshness of dealing with the present moment and the emotions it can elicit somewhat more bearable?

Let me be very clear, if you said yes to this question, this answer does not mean that there is anything wrong with you! All of these can be quite ordinary forms of dissociation that every human being is capable of experiencing.

A really, really good way to understand this concept is actually through maladaptive daydreaming (MADD), a highly addictive form of dissociation.

Indeed for many of us, substances or other behaviors that cause major surges of dopamine (e.g., spending, computer games, sexually acting out) can become the accelerant of dissociation...

Whenever we become accustomed to dissociating, especially as children growing up in complex trauma, our brain becomes bonded or some would even say addicted to that state of escape. Once chemical or other reinforcing behaviors are introduced to us, they can accelerate that already familiar experience and we become further bonded to that behavior.

Daydreaming itself is dissociative. Point blank. It is both the most normal kind of dissociation, and yet the most common maladaptive dissociation.

Daydreaming and journeying into my head’s imaginative scenarios is another series of behaviors that can have both adaptive and maladaptive qualities. As a kid, they kept me safe. As an adult, they are the source of so much of my creative power—yet if I engage them too long, too hard, or too much, I run the risk of getting lost and not being able to attend to what helping professionals might call my activities of daily living (e.g., eating properly, sleeping, taking good care of myself, getting to work, attending to loved ones appropriately and with good boundaries).

Let's cut away from the book really quickly to look at Eli Somer, the guy who came up with MADD.

Maladaptive daydreaming is a dissociative disorder: Supporting evidence and theory.

The only real thing I want to quote is:

Although trauma may be one causal factor, we indicate several other etiological pathways to the development of MD. We discuss associations with related concepts and suggest directions for future research.

And

MD is strongly related to dissociation and seems to rely on an innate tendency for absorptive and imaginative fantasy. Through its rewarding properties, this form of immersive daydreaming becomes abnormal. MD may thus be viewed as a disordered form of dissociative absorption.

While Somer talks about how it can be a behavioral addiction in that paper, I find this is a more succinct description.

Maladaptive Daydreaming: Epidemiological Data on a Newly Identified Syndrome

Maladaptive Daydreaming (MD) is a proposed mental disorder characterized by excessive, compulsive immersion in vivid and complex fantastical daydreamed plots, generating intense emotional involvement, often accompanied by stereotypical movements. This addictive absorption in daydreaming becomes maladaptive as it consumes many hours a day, generates shame or guilt, hinders achievement of short- and long-term goals or tasks, and overall causes clinically significant distress and/or interferes with functioning in social or occupational realms. Maladaptive Daydreamers (MDers) report a strong urge to daydream whenever they can and annoyance whenever they cannot, and, repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop daydreaming, like other behavioral addictions.

And that's the best way to look at DID and other maladaptive, pathological forms of dissociation. It's a behavioral addiction, an escape that we not only crave, but can no longer live without. Just like you can get addicted to working out and gambling, you can become addicted to severing ties with reality through pleasurable (and in some cases, necessary) forms of escape.

I don't know if this is going to make sense, but I've found looking at dissociation like an upside-down iceberg helps me.

At the top, the widest part, is everyone on the planet, and the basic, general concept of dissociation. Severing from the present moment, be it through your phone, book, daydreaming, meditation, zoning out.

As you go down, and it gets narrower, it becomes more important to put names to specific types and forms of dissociation, and fewer people struggle with these forms. In the middle is a confusing mix of seemingly normal and pathological dissociation. You have mediumship, authors with living characters, OCD (yup), ADHD (shocking, I know), MADD, DPDR, (C)PTSD, people on the edge of forming behavioral addictions.

At the bottom, the smallest point, only pathological dissociation, with a much smaller population experiencing it. DID, OSDD, severe and chronic DPDR, DA.

For people that struggle with dissociation... they fell down a hole and travelled all the way to the bottom of the iceberg. What was once a general, normal, human experience became a very specific problem. Over the years, as they travelled deeper, they used and developed a complex mix of various normal dissociative reactions until it eventually became a named, pathological experience.

I sincerely hope that this helps explain and answers both questions ):

Here's another really interesting paper (from none other than, DUNDUNDUN, Colin Ross).

Maladaptive Daydreaming, Dissociation, and the Dissociative Disorders

#syscourse #pro syscourse conversation #CDDs first #cdd system #actually cdd #did #osdd #actuallydid #actuallyosdd #actuallytraumagenic #plural #actuallyplural #pro endogenic #endogenic safe #system safe #pro system #dissociation #actually dissociative #anti endo #pro endo #resources

[omarfor-orchestra]

Io mi butto all'adda prosciugato

#in che senso cdd al primo posto nel tag simuel kdkdkksowps #first of all thank you second are y'all ok?????? that's depressing tbh

[sunkern-plus]

hey, any systems (don't care what origin, don't care for syscourse as the idea of trauma/what counts as trauma for a trauma based disorder when trauma can be anything being medicalized doesn't jive with my psych-critical mad-liberation stance) have...i don't know if i would describe this as unconventional, but this specific unconventional system structure?

for my system it's like...the four primary hosts, we call them the median core but i'm sure some people would call them apparently normal parts, are up top at a branching path like the route structure of, say, the visual novel re:write or zero escape.

then branching off from the four primary hosts are the rest of us, with some of them branching off of other alters in a way that we "share" a memory i guess, but we don't share the feelings associated with a memory. for instance, as francis null, i "branch" from francis george and kind of francis laine, and i share sort of memories with both, but i have different feelings and perspectives on those memories. this is similar to pearl, who's a "branch" of francis george as well but is also explicitly a 12 year old xenogender kid, and hexa being a "branch" of francis laine but not sharing xyr inherent belief in god (hexa, in fact, is an atheist and thinks religion's just stupid and controlling)

explaining all of us would be complicated, but i feel like structure wise, there are a main four, and then the ones that developed over the years "branched" from us. the man from ohio is also a francis george branch, we believe, but they only really hold francis george's impulsive urges, violent thoughts, etc. and lately primarily communicate through violent, ego-dystonic intrustive thoughts more intense than their usual ocd, which...i think they're personally the product of francis george wanting to disown their specific TYPE of violent harm and sexual ideation focused ocd, so it makes sense.

so yeah. any systems have similar "branching" structures like us? or is it something we only really have. i'm tagging with the personal system things we id with/relate to but you don't have to be any of these to do that

#cdd tag #cdd system #median tag #median system #mediple tag #mediple system #adaptive system #mixed origin system #protogenic system #(because we were practically not necessarily born that way but i believe many of our screaming fits were the first manifestation) #(of one of the alters that i have no ability to communicate with and is one of our worse persecutors so)

[sysciety]

I feel like origin discourse kinda just boils down to people feeling like their experiences would somehow be invalidated or lesser if the other side was "right" and the alternatives said opposition provides to re-explain the experience just generally aren't good ones

#syscourse #this is the first draft I ever made on this account I don't care much about origin discourse #kinda just wanted to get it out of my drafts without outright deleting it #just an observation that i think still holds true #i'm still syscourse unaligned for what it's worth i just really don't care for origin debates i'd rather just share information on cdds

[kimbapisnotsushi]

just saw a comment on an ig post of gokurakugai going "guys i KNOW when a manga has anime material trust me this will get adapted in TWO YEARS" and i was like WHOA buddy hold on a fucking minute i think absolutely NOT. we're not even probably going to finish in two years!!! we've barely even STARTED!!! a studio shouldn't even be THINKING about picking up gokurakugai yet!!! they need to treat their animators with basic respect and not sacrifice their health for the sake of profitable production first!!!

#also i don't think we should be basing a manga series' worth off of how well it would do when adapted into an anime #there are PLENTY of fantastic older completed series out there that haven't even been adapted #and even if it never does so what???? that doesn't make it any less good #also maybe it's just me but i'm sick of the trend of studios being REALLY quick to stake claims on new ongoing series #and making adaptations after 1-2 years of publishing #that's NOT a long time #do you know how surprised i was to hear that cdd was being adapted?? #not because i didn't think it was good enough but because that was a REALLY short amount of time #LET YOUR ANIMATORS REST #LET SERIES MARINATE FIRST #i am begging you!!!! #sou says stuff

[celaenacc]

CDD ~ Fresh Start Styled Look

If you’re like me, the first thing you do in CAS is clear everything off the sim for a nice fresh canvas. This custom styled look (when coupled with Mizore’s hider mod) is intended to make that take as few steps as possible every time. 

Download and info below the cut for future updates

Item Details:

Base Game Compatible

Toddler Infant - Elder; Masc & Fem frames (Added infant support on June 16, 2023; please redownload)

1 Variant (per frame)

Custom thumbnails

Needs @mizoreyukii’s Styled Looks Hider to truly be worth it. If you’re overly attached to EA’s styled looks, this cc probably isn’t for you.

Removes all accessories, clothing, shoes, makeup, skin details (excluding acne and scars), tattoos, facial hair and hair (changes color to dark brown for adultFem + children, blonde for AdultMasc, red for toddlers for all of them now I believe (I can’t remember tbh 😅 - if anyone knows how to remove the hair without changing the color, please hmu)

Does not change teeth, eyebrows, eye color, acne and scars (I couldn’t get it to remove these last 2 categories)

Tagged for all outfit categories

Added overrides (June 16, 2023) for shoes/bare feet and masc frame nude tops to resolve the look not applying to those categories after one of the recent patches. If you want to use an alternate override from someone else and it isn’t compatible automatically, (only do this if it’s not working otherwise) open your desired alternative in Sims4Studio, navigate to the warehouse tab, tick the setting box for “ShowInUI”, and save the file. (Edit June 6/20) I’ve been informed by @asixteenthrose that even with changing your desired override to have the showinui checked, you still need my overrides for the styled looks for some reason, and the desired override can’t be in a subfolder/must be in main mods folder.

Added “Stripped Start” (June 16, 2023) which affects the accessories, makeup, facial hair, clothing, and shoes, but does not affect hair, body hair, skin details, or tattoos. You can have both Fresh Start and Stripped Start in your folder at the same time or not; they should not conflict with nor do they depend on each other.

Downloads:

> SFS < (Current Version is a zip)

> Google Drive <  (Current Version is a zip)

Needs: > Hider Mod for EA Looks < (by MizoreYukii)

Notes:

There is no way I would have been able to figure out this project without MizoreYukii’s How to Make Custom Styled Looks tutorial, so huge thank you to her.

This look is mainly for simmers who want nothing on their sim when they start in CAS. If there is enough demand for a version that keeps existing tattoos, skin details, and maybe hair; I might make that as a v2 down the road. After receiving nonny asks, I went ahead and added a version like this while updating the original.

I timed myself clearing every outfit category for a new sim using just this look as fast as I could, and it only took 15 seconds total.

I have added patch numbers to the files in case someone needs the outdated version.

Kijiko eyebrow texture defaults cause the fem frame teen-elder not to show Fresh Start.

#ts4cc #s4cc #sims4cc #sims4cas #sims4mods #sims4casmods #mycc

[coexistentialism]

Finding Your Identities: Figuring Out Your Alters When Your Alters Aren't "Distinct" "People"

I have been wanting to make this post for a very long time now.

I have talked countless times on this blog about how a lot of the "how to figure out your alters" lists do not and cannot apply to me, or systems who may be like me, for a variety of reasons.

We do not have distinct senses of selves, we don't feel like our own distinct individuals, in any way whatsoever. There is no specific, unique, distinct "cue" or feeling or anything that tells me I've switched, or tells me that a specific, distinct alter is fronting who is different from any other alters. There is no specific, distinct THING that tells me "okay yeah that was very obviously and specifically and undeniably a different alter."

It's easy to deny you have alters when your alters are not distinct individuals who know they are their own unique, separate selves. It's easy to deny you have alters when it always feels like "you."

If you don't experience your alters as distinct 'entities' where you can obviously and distinctly refer to them as "that is (that specific alter) and that is not (these other alters)", it can be nearly impossible to figure out your alters at all.

This has been a horrible aspect of my denial since essentially the beginning. I mean, when everything online tells you that DID involves a distinct sense of "not me" to it, how can you know if you have it if it doesn't feel that way to you?

Now obviously I DO have that feeling of "not me"... It's just not described using those specific words. I was taking it all way too literally (thanks, autism NFKDSFDKJ).

It's more like "I don't really feel that way anymore" or "yeah I felt that way, but not anymore."

Or "I don't really relate to that anymore" or "I don't really like this as my identity anymore" or "I don't like this name anymore."

Or "this feels like someone else's life" (but more of a feeling, it's not like I just suddenly don't know anything in my life anymore. I know my girlfriend and love her still and I know I live in this house, etc.)

I'll feel like I am attending therapy because I have to, or I'll feel like I'm relaying information that I know factually, as if I was told a story of things that happened and I have to relay that information to someone else.

Or just generally a weird feeling that something is off.

And that's the thing - dissociation (for me personally) is less like "things aren't real" and "I'm not real" and more like just a vague feeling that something is OFF, and you don't know what, and you can't explain it.

I remember as a kid feeling like I'm the "only conscious being" or "feeling like I'm in an anime" or "acting out a dramatic scene in a movie." Now all three of those descriptions still fall under "feeling like things aren't real/etc." but I never interpreted it that way, because of how literally I take things, I didn't make the connection, because I never used the SPECIFIC wording of "feeling like I'm not real/feeling like the world isn't real/etc."

I straight-up told one of the first therapists I saw for a DID diagnosis that I "don't really dissociate at all" because I don't really experience the "nothing is real/I'm not real/etc."

This, too, brought me a lot of denial, because people only describe dissociation as "things don't feel real", "you don't feel real", "you feel like you're floating", "you're watching yourself", "you're watching the world through fog/glass", etc. And because I never really used those specific words to explain my feelings and experiences, I figured I wasn't really experiencing any dissociation, or at least just very rarely and mildly so.

That's a key thing here - the WORD CHOICES being used to describe alters, systems, CDD experiences, etc. don't really match up with my experiences at all. I take things extremely, extremely literally, and when everybody describes their alters and refers to them as distinct, different people, it's hard to feel like your experiences are the more common experience, especially when people around you might continue to reinforce that denial, by assuming you must not have alters, or you have a different disorder, etc., because you are "always awake and present no matter what alter is fronting", etc.

Your personal interpretation of your experiences matters a LOT when it comes to CDDs, figuring out if you have a CDD, and it also plays a large role into how your system might present/feel/look/what alters you have/etc.

For example, many people interpreted their alter experiences and switches as creating characters. That, then, might become a huge aspect of figuring out your alters - you might realize that many of the characters you've made (or all of them) through the years were actually alters. With that lens, you might, then, be able to have a lot of knowledge about your alters based off of that alone - those "characters" might have specific characteristics, lore, designs, etc. that you then realize were all a part of that alter.

You might also, then, find that each time you find yourself making a "new" "character", it's actually just a new alter forming/splitting (or perhaps them just finding out their own identity).

The way you personally interpret your experiences, your feelings, your life, memories, etc. all impact your alters and your system - the way your alters identify, the way it FEELS when alters front, the way your system presents, etc.

I grew up believing I was making things up and lying for seemingly no reason, for attention, because I liked being cool and special. Or that I was purposely acting out a fake, dramatic movie, just to add more drama.

In reality, I was experiencing alter switches and dissociation, but because I interpreted it in those ways, we now have a very difficult time trying to accept and believe that these are real feelings, real experiences, outside of my control, instead of me just saying things for attention and acting dramatic just because.

I also very much grew up feeling like "nothing ever sticks, so why bother taking anything seriously." Now, pretty much all of us still have this attitude, this feeling of "why bother coming up with a name, why bother taking (my feelings, etc.) seriously when it's just gonna go away and not come back."

I would feel confident in a decision or an identity or a name change and so on, only for me to change it the next day, or the next week, and so on.

This made things like questioning my gender identity and wanting to change my name extremely difficult and impossible because I could never be sure if it was going to actually STICK or just be a temporary, fleeting "phase." I became upset (and still become upset and distressed) every time everything turned out to just be a "phase" instead of a real, actual thing. I still have trouble with this. If I want to cut my hair or dye my hair or get new clothes, I will never be able to know for sure if I'll still like it in a different state. If I want a name change, I don't know if it'll be long-term or if I will change my mind the next day.

DID is more like this, and less like "I'm a totally different person with a distinctly different personality and a different name and I am not ("host")."

And if this is relatable to you, this post may very much help you figure out who your alters are.

A lot of things online that try to give suggestions and ideas for figuring out your alters in a way of "ask (your alters) these questions."

For me, I can't really do that, for a variety of different reasons - our dissociative barriers are too high, there's no inner world, and there's no kind of "distinct voices" that I "hear" speaking to me that are coming from a distinctly different "person." And since we as alters do not experience ourselves as distinct individuals where we just know who we are and know we are our own distinct individuals, it's less like asking my alters these questions, and more like asking MYSELF these questions. I want you keep that in mind going into this post.

When it comes to figuring out alters, what helps me is trying to keep track of patterns of changes in my behaviors, likes, dislikes, hobbies/interests, and more.

The following is a TEMPLATE of things you can ask yourself at different times, during different moods, modes, self-states - whatever you wanna call it.

I tried to make them as general as possible in order to hopefully make the questions apply to a general audience/a wide variety of people, instead of being too specific where they might not apply to most people.

You do not have to ask yourself all of these questions! If you don't know the answer to a question, and/or you don't want to answer a question, it can be important to write that down too! You can skip any questions or change them in any way you like.

If a question feels unhelpful to you, feel free to change it into something that might feel more helpful to you personally, and/or just remove it altogether.

Feel free to expand upon these questions! For example, if a question seems helpful to you, you might have further ideas to expand upon that question into further, more specific questions. I actually totally encourage other people to expand upon these questions and come up with more questions that could help others! Definitely share your thoughts in reblogs if you want.

I want to make it clear, first, that this post is NOT trying to make people OBSESS over this!!!! These questions are meant to help figure out alters, but don't obsess over it!

The purpose of these questions is to simply try and keep track of possible patterns of behaviors, etc., not to obsess over figuring out your alters, not to obsess over figuring out what alter you are, not to obsess over making sure your alters are "consistent all the time" or something. It doesn't matter about knowing "who" you are so much as it matters to let yourself exist as you are, at any given moment. It's to allow yourself to exist and see if there is a pattern of emotions, opinions, preferences, likes, dislikes, interests/hobbies, behaviors, and more that crop of every so often - this is what alters are for a lot of people. Like I said, it's less like "distinct, separate person" and more like a recurring pattern of the same/similar emotions/behaviors/traits/etc. that crop up every so often, oftentimes in response to things, such as topics that you may find triggering (for example: feeling like an angry wolf every time the topic of physical abuse comes up, or feeling like a scared child when you feel like someone said something upsetting), or even positive topics, such as feeling like you become a girl whenever the topic of fashion gets brought up, or feeling like you're 13 when the topic of a childhood beloved TV show comes up.

While "feeling like (xyz) in response to (xyz)" does not necessarily mean you have a CDD, this post is specifically about those experiences under the context of having a CDD. If you relate to anything I wrote in this post, it does not necessarily mean you have a CDD! Similarly, if you DON'T relate to anything in this post, it also doesn't mean you DON'T have a CDD! I am sharing this post with the assumption that the people reading it already know they have a CDD, and/or strongly suspect it.

Questions to ask myself for figuring out alters:

Month day, year. Time (or whatever way you want to write down the month/day/year/time).

What name(s) do I like?:

This doesn't have to be names of specific alters (by that I mean, you don't have to go through your list of alters with specific names to figure out if you like one of them). You can write a vague idea of what name/names you might like (such as "a name related to plants" or "a name that reminds me of the ocean"). You can write down multiple names. You can write down no name. You can write down that you're indifferent. Anything!

What pronouns do I like?:

Again, you can write down anything. If multiple sets of pronouns vibe, write that down! If nothing vibes, write it down! If you don't have any strong feelings/if you're indifferent, write that down too! If you don't know, write that down!

Are there any particular labels I feel drawn to/feel I identify with?:

It can be an LGBTQ+ label (bisexual, demiboy, aromantic, lesbian, etc.), or a label related to something else

What kind of color(s) am I drawn to?:

Darker colors? Pastel colors? Neon colors? Light colors? Etc.

What do I want to do? What would I do if I had the resources (time, money, 'skill', motivation, energy, etc.) (for example, maybe you wish you could play guitar, but you can’t play guitar, don’t have a guitar, etc.)?:

Similarly, is there anything that I might normally be interested in that I find myself no longer wanting to do?:

-- Listening to music: What songs? Am I singing along? What are the songs about? How do I feel about the music? Are there any songs I dislike? Any particular common genre/theme with the music I find myself liking right now?

-- Art: - What kind of art (Digital art? Doing makeup? Sculpting? Knitting? Painting? Woodworking? Photography? Any art counts.) - What is my art style like/what tools am I using? (If digital art, what program am I using? What brushes am I using? Etc. (Different alters might prefer to use different art programs and different art brushes!)) - What does the artwork depict? (Vent art? Are there themes of trauma? Dissociation? Fanart? Something else?)

-- Playing a game: - What game? - What am I doing in the game? Are there different game modes? If so, what mode am I playing? Is my character customizable, and if so, how does my character look? (Some alters might prefer to change the way the character looks to match how they might feel inside!) - Are there any games I don't currently care for?

-- Watching YouTube: - What is the topic of the video? (Is it about a hobby I like? A TV series? A video essay? Something else?)

-- Playing an instrument: - What instrument? - Am I trying to learn a specific song/songs? - Am I making my own music? Are there lyrics to go along with it? - If it’s a specific song (either writing your own, or trying to learn how to play a certain song on an instrument), what is it about? Any specific themes that stick out?

-- Writing: Poetry? Working on a book/short story? What is it about? What genre? (Romance? Non-fiction? Etc.) Is it fanfiction?

-- Reading: What am I reading? What is it about? What genre? (Romance? Non-fiction? Etc.) Is it fanfiction?

-- Something else…

What am I thinking about?

What am I talking about?

How am I feeling?

Did something trigger me to feel this certain way?

If something triggered me to feel a certain way, do I know the reason(s) why? (For example, if you encountered something that brings up trauma-related feelings, etc.)

You might describe your feelings in ways other than a simple “sad”, “mad”, or “happy.” You might be more specific, such as “I feel like white noise” or “I feel like a dog” or “I feel like an ocean.” This is completely valid and an important thing to keep note of as well. You can even write down that you feel tall, or you feel a different age, or you feel like a certain character.

There are many more questions that you could ask 'yourself' to get to know 'yourselves.' This list is not exhaustive, and like I said, you can simply you this template to bounce off ideas of what questions you, personally, would find most helpful!

I'd love to hear anybody's input, and I hope this post helps anyone. :] If not, feel free to share around anyway, if you want!

#my posts #actuallyDID #actuallyosdd #osdd system #did system

[thattheater-kid]

I think it’s so interesting how a constant theme of Welcome Home seems to be dissociation and derealization. Throughout the summer update, Wally seemed to be dissociated for a lot of it, and the Homewarming update featured Eddie’s derealization. I don’t know what it could mean, but it’s really interesting to me, and it’s so interesting how the first news update is dated December 25th, before being corrected in the next update because it’s March. The person who wrote those lost three months, and that’s so interesting to me as someone who suffers from time loss and amnesia due to a CDD.

#welcome home #welcome home clown illustrations #welcome home arg #welcome home update #welcome home puppet show #welcome home project #welcome home analysis