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reidscanehand · 2 years

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Hey there! I don't know if this counts as a prompt or not but Spencer x reader that are child free by choice? If not please ignore this and have a great day and stay safe. 😊

Of Anything

Pairing: Spencer Reid x BAUfem!Reader

Category: Angst/Hurt/Comfort

TW: spoilers for 9x24 “Demons”, cursing, mentions of shooting (typical CM violence), insecurity about not wanting kids

I absolutely flipping loved this request, thank you so much. It turned out way longer than I intended, but I had a ton of fun writing it! Hope you like it xx

~~~

It isn't JJ's fault. Or, it is, but she didn't mean anything by it. You know she didn't. It just...happened. On this stupid case in Texas where Spencer, of course, got hurt. You adore your husband, but it's as though he's a magnet, attracting the worst that could possibly happen at any given moment. You’ve known each other since you were 26 years old, meaning you’ve seen each other through many injuries, big and small. But this time is different because he got shot in the neck, which was a bit more scary than the usual. A lot more scary than the usual. Typically, you try to remain calm, your husband’s penchant for accidents - broken knees, sore calf muscles - keeps you on your toes enough that you almost can’t afford the emotional distress of panicking every single time. But this is too near fatality to think about and you can only wish and hope he’ll be okay.

So now you and Alex wait, terrified for what might happen to Spencer, confused and befuddled and angry, incapable of doing anything, really, while waiting at the hospital.

You’ve stepped away from Alex who very kindly and understandingly gave you some space. No word from any one - no nurse or doctor - is stressing you so badly you almost can’t stop crying. You’d made it through two or three forced conversations with Alex before dissolving into tears every single time, then she’d mentioned something about running to grab a coffee and returned with a tea for you that she dropped off before crossing to the other side of the waiting room, all done with a small, understanding smile, allowing you a moment to breathe on your own. You calm down a bit, but you’re almost too scared to speak, afraid you won’t be able to do anything but cry.

JJ enters suddenly, clearly just as worried as the both of you. She meets your eyes, but seeing the pain and concern there, she turns to Alex, sitting across from the woman before quietly asking, “Anything?”

“Nothing,” Alex answers plainly, but quietly. She shifts slightly in her seat, clearly trying to keep you away from this - from anything that might make your already fragile nerves kick back into high gear.

JJ shifts uncomfortably in her seat, toying with the FBI windbreaker in her lap, “Spence would’ve read like two books by now. Maybe three.”

“It should’ve been me,” Alex almost whispers.

“Or me. Or any of us,” JJ agrees.

“No,” Alex says slightly louder, finally making eye contact with JJ. “He pushed me out of the way.”

You look at the two women, JJ meets your eyes, but doesn’t say anything. She looks back at Alex.

Alex moves in her chair again, restlessly, “If he doesn’t make it-”

“He’ll make it,” JJ cuts her off, louder than she’s been this whole time.

“He has to,” Alex agrees, nodding, clearly holding back some tears. “He’s just...he’s too young.”

“Yeah,” JJ’s eyes flick to you and back to Alex. “There’s still things for him to do.”

There’s an awkward silence. You almost say something, you almost join in the conversation. And then JJ says it.

“You know he wants kids?” she asks Alex. “Can you imagine Spence as a dad?”

Suddenly you can barely hear again, everything sounds like you’re in a tunnel, moving further and further away from reality.

“Well,” Alex chuckles, her voice happy but distant, “that’d be the luckiest kid in the world.”

“No doubt,” JJ agrees. You feel as though you can’t breathe. A whirlwind of emotions running through your entire body. You want to scream, to cry, and throw up all at once.

“Hey,” Penelope greets as she enters the waiting room. “Oh, honey.” She crosses to you immediately and, though you’d longed to be alone just minutes ago, nothing feels better than a Penelope Garcia hug at this moment. You cling to her tighter than you ever have, tears pouring down your face before you even realize you’re crying.

“Sweetheart,” she coos, pulling you tighter.

“Thank you for being here,” you manage to rasp around your tears.

“Turns out we’re not the only ones connected,” she teases softly, pulling back to look at your face. She searches your face for a minute, and you hope she can’t see the sudden insecurity kicked up by JJ, but you know she can. She does, however, move on quickly, “He’s got a friend with a plane.”

You look up and see your new unit chief, Mateo Cruz, entering the waiting room.

“Anything?” he asks JJ and Alex, glancing at you and nodding in sympathy before turning back to the ladies. Penelope pats your arm and presses a kiss to your forehead, tugging you gently towards the rest of the group.

“Still in surgery,” Alex almost whispers, clearly conscious of your presence.

A nurse enters suddenly announcing that Derek is well enough to see people now. Penelope, JJ, and Cruz look at each other and then at you and Alex.

“If you don’t mind,” you rasp quietly, “I’d like to stay here.”

“Of course,” Cruz nods immediately.

“I’ll stay too,” Alex adds. She reaches down and tugs your hand into yours, squeezing it. You squeeze back with not quite as much strength, but enough to let her know you appreciate her support.

Cruz and JJ both request to be updated by Alex, but Penelope squeezes your shoulders and looks at Alex seriously, promising, “I’ll be right back.”

The second the three of them are around the corner, you burst into tears again.

“Oh, Y/N,” Alex whispers, sitting the both of you down and pulling you into her shoulder allowing you to cry more. “Sweetheart, he’ll be okay.”

“God, I hope so,” you cry. But you can’t tell her. You can’t tell her that you’re not just crying because your husband was shot in the neck. You’re crying because of what JJ said and now you’re riding the line between being emotional and having a panic attack. Your thoughts are racing uncontrollably now...because you thought you and your husband were on the same page, but now your mind is whispering doubts. What if he wants kids and doesn’t feel like he can tell you? What if he survives this only to live a life he hates? What if he resents you? What if he’s falling out of love with you?

~~~

It is rare that Spencer gets really and truly angry. But right now he is truly angry. He can barely hear anything, his heartbeat and even his goddamn footsteps are thundering too loudly to hear much else, as he marches to JJ’s desk.

“Jennifer,” he states abruptly. The blond woman looks up, confused by his tone, “A word?”

He doesn’t give her time to answer before he stalks to an empty office, pushing inside and sitting on the edge of the desk just as JJ enters the room.

“Spence, wha-”

“What the fuck did you say to my wife?” he asks, practically spitting he’s so mad.

“What on earth are you talking about?” JJ replies, looking genuinely confused. “I haven’t talked to Y/N in-”

“In four weeks, right?” Spencer cuts her off again. “Fucking same!”

He stands and JJ backs up, but he doesn’t even look at her, instead beginning to pace back and forth.

“Spence, I-”

“It’s been four weeks,” he talks over her, barely acknowledging her presence now. “Four weeks since we got home from Texas, four since Alex left, and two since my neck was officially healed, and do you know what’s been happening in the Reid household?”

It’s off-putting that he’s asked her a question and she’s not sure she’s meant to answer until he’s silent for a beat longer.

“Um...celebrating?” she guesses, knowing it’s wrong based on his tone.

“You would think that, wouldn’t you? But no!” Spencer is still pacing relentlessly, clearly furious. “Y/N has barely spoken two sentences to me at a time since we got home. And our conversations have been limited to work and the weather.”

JJ shifts her weight between her feet awkwardly, “So...so what does that have to do with me?”

“Because I finally noticed that she hasn’t spoken to you since Texas and I want to know what the hell you said to her,” Spencer explains, still pacing, still angry.

“Jesus Christ, Spence, please!” JJ finally yells, exasperated. “Please stop moving!”

There’s a rather dreadful silence. Spencer jaw tightens a bit, but he stops moving, crossing back and sitting on the edge of the desk again.

“Fine,” Spencer finally says. He sighs deeply, looking down at his hands, “Look, I’m sorry...it’s just...I’ve wracked my brain for weeks trying to figure out what I could’ve said that would’ve...upset her. I noticed she was giving you the silent treatment as well and I was hoping that...that maybe you knew.”

JJ pauses, thinking as hard as she can, “Spence, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I’ve upset Y/N somehow, but I...I can’t think of anything, honestly.”

“Are you sure?” he asks, his voice now quiet and small. “Did you guys talk at all while I was in surgery?”

“Well, yes, of course,” JJ supplies quickly. “Come to think of it, that might be the last time she and I really spoke. Though, we didn’t talk much then, to be honest.”

“What do you mean?” Spencer asks carefully.

“Nothing bad,” JJ assures him. “It’s...well, she was pretty inconsolable, Spence. She wasn’t really talking much to anybody.”

Spencer swallows harshly at that. He’d heard bits and pieces from Alex and Penelope and every tidbit more made him feel worse. He knew little more than what had greeted him when he woke up, which had been his wonderful wife sobbing in relief at his bedside. He’d shushed her, assured her all was well, and she’d clung to him. The attempts on his life made after that had nearly done her in, he was sure of it, and the guilty feelings had yet to dissipate. In fact, her relative silence and the awkwardness of their household only made the guilt worsen.

“I talked with Alex more than Y/N,” JJ continues. “Neither of us wanted to freak her out too much. And it wouldn’t be helpful to just keep repeating that no one had said anything and that you were still in surgery.”

“Yeah,” Spencer agrees. “Do you...did you and Alex say anything to her?”

“No,” JJ responds, still clearly just as much at a loss as him. “Nothing. She was sitting away from Alex actually, I think she needed space.”

Spencer nods, still deep in thought.

“Alex was pretty upset, too,” JJ adds quietly. “She thought it was her fault. Said you’d pushed her out of the way.”

“I did, but it wasn’t her fault,” Spencer sighs, upset that he can’t find a more straightforward explanation for why his wife has grown so distant. “Do you think...maybe...maybe this one was a step too far?”

“What do you mean, Spence?” JJ asks gently, leaning on the desk next to him.

“I mean...I mean, I-I know that I get...that I have a tendency to...get hurt,” Spencer whispers, desperately trying not to cry.

“We all do, Spence,” JJ encourages him.

“Yeah,” he sighs, “but I know that my-my track record isn’t...great.”

“You do have a few extra notches than the rest of us on the old ‘hurt on a case’ bedpost,” JJ jokes, chuckling at how bad her own joke was.

But Spencer doesn’t laugh, still staring down at his hands, running his left thumb over his wedding ring, “What if...what if this was too much? What if it was too close this time?”

“Spencer, Y/N knows the risks of this job,” JJ assures him, “just like you do. It’s not like she’s never gotten hurt before.”

“I know, but...” he trails off. “But we’re always worried about what could happen and-and-”

“Well, of course,” JJ agrees understandingly, “we all worry about stuff like that. And you two have only been married for two years. You’ve still got stuff to do. That’s what we were talking about in the hospital, if anything.”

“What do you mean?” he asks, finally looking at JJ.

JJ shrugs, “Just that you’re...you’re so young. You still have things to do in life, like...like have kids and-”

“What did you say?” Spencer asks, his tone slightly sharper.

“That you still have stuff to do,” JJ responds, confused.

“JJ,” Spencer starts slowly, “I don’t want kids.”

“Wait, what?” the blond asks, completely befuddled. “But you always-you’re so good with kids! I just assumed-”

“I am good with kids,” Spencer explains, very slowly, clearly trying to control his temper. “And I love my godsons, but Jennifer, I don’t want kids. And neither does Y/N.”

JJ’s eyes grow very wide as she realizes, “Oh no, oh God, Spence, I never meant to-”

“I was in danger,” Spencer says slowly, “and you and Alex were talking about how I want kids while my wife was trying not to panic?”

“We didn’t mean to-”

“I know,” Spencer stands, straightening his shoulders and not looking back at JJ. “But, at least I know what’s going on.”

“Spencer, I’m sorry,” JJ rasps, clearly almost near tears.

“It’s...it’s okay,” he replies quietly. “Just don’t...don’t assume things about people.”

He exits without turning back to look at her.

~~~

“Y/N?” Spencer calls as he enters their apartment. You’d taken the afternoon off for a doctor’s appointment, leaving Spencer to ride the metro home alone for the first time in ages.

“In the kitchen,” you call, your voice sounding just as hollow as it has been all month.

He enters the kitchen to see you standing at the window, a mug of tea abandoned on the table. He takes a moment to admire you, the woman he’s loved for so long. The woman he built this life with. The woman he was suddenly terrified to lose.

“I missed you today,” Spencer says quietly, wrapping his arms around your waist. You freeze briefly, but sink into his hold, your hands clutching his.

“Did you really?” you ask, your voice so quiet he almost doesn’t hear you.

He pulls you closer, able to look down into your face now, “Of course I did.”

“I missed you, too,” you reply softly, but timidly.

The two of you stand for only a moment, then Spencer sighs, running his thumbs on your hands, “Did you know that this is exactly the life I always dreamed of?”

You hum in response and Spencer can tell your lost in thought.

He leans his head onto your shoulder and whispers, “This one, right here. Just you and me.”

You freeze suddenly, slowly turning in his arms to face him, “Who told you?”

“I spoke with Jennifer,” he replies simply, still clutching your hands in his. “She didn’t know that she…she didn’t know she was wrong.”

“But was she?” you ask, tears already in your eyes.

“Y/N,” he breathes, pulling you into a hug. Thankfully you don’t pull away, sobbing the anxieties of the past month into his shoulder.

“I-I can’t-“ you hiccup because you’re crying so hard, “I can’t be someone you grow to hate.”

“I could never hate you, darling,” he assures you quietly.

“But-but JJ s-said that you want-“

“Jennifer,” he cuts you off gently, rubbing a reassuring hand up and down your back, “didn’t know what she was talking about.”

You’re silent, so Spencer chooses to continue, “There may have been a time in my life where I thought about kids, but, Y/N, I don’t want or need to be a dad.”

“Are you…you’re not just saying that? Because I would never want you to be unhappy with me,” you rasp after a moment.

“Sweetheart,” he coos, “I could never ever be unhappy with you.”

You chuckle drily, still sniffing, but clearly calmer, “Even when I’m a horrible, emotional mess like this?”

Spencer hugs you even tighter, dropping a kiss on your shoulder.

"It's intoxicating," Spencer whispers into your shoulder, pressing a kiss in the wake of his words. He pulls away finally, cupping your face in his hands, staring down at you in awe.

"What is?" you ask in spite of yourself, almost cringing as another tear falls despite your best efforts to keep them at bay. Spencer seems to think nothing of it, wiping it away and caressing your cheek, his eyes never leaving yours.

"How human you are," he replies. "How real you are. I never ever want you to feel like you are not enough for me. Because...because this life? The one we have together? Y/N, it's all I have ever and all I will ever want."

"Are you-”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” Spencer cuts you off, assuring you before you can even speak the worry into existence.

He presses a kiss to your forehead, then rests his forehead against yours and meets your eyes, “Of anything.”

~~~

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