#do i really have to repeat myself

[fleouriarts]

feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole

#hivemind tv #riley savage #graydon weaver #hmfcu #quadeca #jane remover #eden burke #my art #2023 #fanart #doodles #its like. augh. longtime fleouriarts followers are familiar with my eternal tango with posting art online #doing this since i was 11 has like rotted my brain and made me rely wayyyy too much on external validation to motivate myself #and every year or so it gets bad enough that i take a break. but the break usually only lasts a month before i miss the feeling #and come back and then the cycle repeats #its probably worse now bc this is a fandom where getting seen by the creators is not really that hard #so there have been times where im like 'well idk if i wanna draw this. but if i do maybe hivemind will rt it :-)' #NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT!!!!! i cant keep letting myself get addicted to the numbers going up man i gotta get out of here #and i was reading a quad interview from around when idmthy got released. cus hes also brain poisoned like this. but he managed to get out #and now just kinda comes online to release music and then leave #i need to be like that. i need to take a break from art posting thats so long that i come back as a changed man odysseus style #idk. its been so long since i drew stuff that no one gets to see but me. all the art i keep to myself is just out of embarrassment #i need to relearn how to draw stuff just for the love of creation and not “maybe people online will like this one” #or “this new thing came out i need to prove my love of it by drawing it” #sometimes it leads to good art but more often than not it just makes me feel worse #whatever. if any of yall are in the hivemind jane or quadeca discord i MIGHT still post stuff there. but otherwise ill keep to myself and m #friends for a while i think #woooooo this is queued to post while im in orgo lab everyone wish me luck with my thin layer chromatography

[quuerbee]

Just saw a picture of divine dragon chung myung before he got that title and it really hit me how small Cho Sam's body was when chung myung came back. This little thought has spoilers for chapter 400+ (I think anyway) and vague spoilers for everything past ch 400 until like. Ch 800

GOD OK so we as the reader understand chung myungs situation very very intimately. WE understand that he is an 80+ year old man mentally. WE understand that he is not in fact 15, then 17, then 19, 20, etc. Everyone around him, however, truly believe that he is those ages.

It's brushed upon multiple times throughout the novel, especially whenever chung myung is down for the count/recovering after a fight. The facade he makes around himself, the strong reliable leader, fades away and the "truth" of who he is reinstates itself to those close to him in this second life. His back, every time he wavers, is described as small. This is always through the perspective of anyone but himself. This is even more apparent whenever he is unconscious after a serious fight. I don't know exactly chapters, but i KNOW that baek cheon (and the rest of the 5 swords plus soso and hye yeon), at least once, has had the reality of Chung myungs apparent age dawn upon them. That they're youngest sajae (sahyung in soso's case) is constantly spilling his own blood to protect them. (This fact is straight up said by yu iseol after the particularly bad fight with Jang ilso, spitting her frustration with only getting in chung myungs way instead of protecting him).

This phenomenon is hardly limited to the main group of disciples. After the first myriad men siege on Mount hua (while The Gang is in Xian), everyone subconsciously gains courage with the thought that soon enough chung myung will come, that he'll protect them. The disciples (soso being the most prevalent since she's one of the main disciples focused on in the novel) of course correct this thought, realizing that they cannot rely on chung myung forever. Anyways moving on from just describing this arc. What I mainly want to focus on is Hyun jong and chung myungs interaction AFTER the siege is finished, after un gum is fresh off of his amputation, after chung myung has barely gotten treatment for his own (quite serious) injuries.

What do you think when through Hyun jong's mind, seeing his youngest disciple, the one who brought back the hope that had almost died out with his sect, ruthlessly kill the enemy, return heavily wounded, and then try to sneak out almost immediately to go back to smite those who have harmed his home? To us, Chung myung is more than capable. He's the plum blossom sword Saint, the one who (even with all the regret he holds over this) severed the head of the heavenly demon. He's an 80+ year old man trying to protect the only thing besides bloodshed that is familiar in this second life. We understand the guilt he has over not being able to protect his home the first time. We understand that he would rather die than allow Mount Hua to fall again.

Hyun jong does not know this. He does not understand chung myungs rage (and guilt and grief and longing and-). He looks at chung myung and sees an 18 or 19 (I don't remember) year old boy, covered in wounds, trying to sneak out of his home on a suicide mission of revenge. He sees a boy. He knows that if he let's this boy go, he will never see him alive again. So he uses chung myungs borderline (who are we kidding, it is way past borderline) unhealthy loyalty with mount hua to dissuade him from walking to his death.

ANYWAYS long story not so short, I need need need more analysis over what everyone but chung myung thinks about him. Everyone sees this young teen, then young adult, bend over backwards to the point where he has almost died so so so many times just so mount hua can flourish. They've seen him kill ruthlessly, they've seen him sob over the skeleton of an ancestor (one of his brothers, a reminder of what he has lost, what he will never get back), they've seen him silly and carefree, they've seen him almost mad with bloodlust.

To us, he is chung myung, the old plum blossom sword Saint, slayer of the heavenly demon. To them, he is chung myung, the scrawny 15 year old that changed their lives, that faces unknown traumas, that has had a life so, so unkind to him.

Sometimes I look at chung myung pre time skip, how small he is, how he looks like a child, how he acts nothing like one, and remember that only we, the readers, get the full context behind his actions.

#ANYWAYS #this turned out to be uh. not so small. #but no i saw 15 yr old chung myung and went #wow he really does look like a baby #and then my thoughts went WILD #i know this is kind of just like. a summery of a few different parts of the novel #and i kjnd repeat myself a lot #but i read a fic a whole ago that kind of touches on this whole conceot #i Do Not remeber what its called #but its basically the mount hua elders discussing things #and then chung myung is brought up #and all of them are like #wow this kid has obviously been through some shit. life has NOT been kind to him #but uh no yeah #sometimes i forget that the people of mount hua do NOT have the same context we do #and in place of the chung myung we see #they see a very very traumatized and scarily capable teen/young adult #and they dont know WHY HE ACTS LIKE THAT #but yeah hope this kinda makes sense #this novel makes me sick #return of the blossoming blade #rotmhs #return of the mount hua sect #analysis

[bonefall]

Hi, out of curiosity, do you have a list of prefixes and suffixes that you use to name characters in this au/rewrite? I'm just curious bc you clearly do a lot of research and I'm interested in just what all you'd put

I think I tried to start a google spreadsheet of prefixes and suffixes months ago, but I actually have an obscure brain quirk called ADHD, which stands for A Dude & His Distractions. I'm on 20 mg of being put in a washing machine (high spin cycle) a day.

But, it would just be for other people really. When I get the chance to name cats outright, I have a big mental list of names I already totally want to use, or think about the family they're part of and how their parents would name them. Like, I'll try to make it match their siblings, think about what sort of names their family typically uses, or use prefixes that canon hasn't used but I would.

Like, a Truckkit would be pretty fun for SkyClan. Gas in reference to marsh gas, Vetch or Teasel because they're some of my favorite plant names, I love "weird but ecologically valid" ones like Jelly, Cinnabar, Plantain, which describe something TOTALLY DIFFERENT from what you think those should mean.

(jelly = jelly ear mushroom, cinnabar = type of moth, plantain = type of grass)

So... all that to say, unfortunately I do not have a list. At least, not one that's physical. The closest you're gonna get for now is the Clanmew lexicon.

#I also don't ban suffixes. #making an entry on names rn btw #Which will answer some of the repeat questions i get like ''Is anything banned like how the writers wanted to ban moon'' #bone babble #If there did end up being a BB-compliant list of names then someone else would have to help me run it #Because like I'm already bad at delegating tasks #And keeping myself organized #though I really do try

[hedwig221b]

I am this 🤏🏻 close to blocking someone on ao3 rn

#do I really have to regurgitate the entire setting of the world for it to make sense #or is the courtship of men BY men only makes sense in omegaverse? #don't know about you but I dont want my AUs to be built on the same homophobia or have ye olden gender roles like irl #yes I'm talking about Treasure #yes someone said ONCE AGAIN that “uhh this is not abo why is stiles like this” #this is a FAIRYTALE it's NOT REAL #i can make men soft if i want to #idk is that like THAT unrealistic and hard to imagine #my god #starting to think this user's imagination is as stiff as a concrete wall #I'm repeating myself but I really really really don't want to make my fantasy universes fucking homophobic #men ARE going to be courted by men #women ARE going to be courted by women #everybody is allowed to court EVERYBODY becasue fuck homophobia #no one would blink a fucking eye #sorry for the rant

[icewindandboringhorror]

sneeping with his legs up over his head for some reason... weird boye

#cats #love the second picture... skrungly sleepy well rested boye face... #since he's an elderly boy now sometimes when he wakes up from a nap he looks a bit scruffy and squinty eyed #Hard to beleive he's like 15 though.. he still looks like a kitten to me.. due to his giant round creature eyes and childlike demeanor #I think it's interesting that like... baby cats are babies. kittens are kittens. and you can tell a cat is like 'young adult' phase #looking from like a few months to maybe 1yr or 2yrs.. but after that they just always look the same to me #a 5 yr old cat is a 10 yr old cat is a 15 year old cat. unless the cat in question is particulalry aged or youthful #I still have so so little energy... it's been icy here this week. like not even FUN but just scary icy even thoguh i lOOOVE the cold #and its my favorite weather. I think it'd be okay actually if I had a woodburning stove/fireplace/hearth thing. literally thats my only #concern with the power going out. I genuinely don't mind stuff like having to go to the bathroom in buckets or cook over a fire or do other #less conveninet things. Its just that if eveyrhtng is electric then you have no way to cook and all of that. well.. and I literally need #background noise to go to sleep lest my ocd sprials become so loud I am slowly driven into maddness.. but a few battery packs or something #and a phone with one downloaded video I could play on repeat is fine for that. I dont need internet. ANYWAY.. so so sad that my fav #orite season ever (winter) is here. and the first cold of the winter is like... just an ice storm that you cant even walk in. I #love like 4 feet of snow where you can play in it and stuff. But just a thin flat sheet of a few inches of ice over every imaginable surfac #is not really playable. the wind speeds are so high and so many trees fall it's actually not that safe to go hang out outside anyway unless #you were in a totally clear open field. which is SAD also because i love ice and high winds. i love to stand out there and get whipped in t #he face with ice crystals and feel like I'm in some dramatic movie or something. but alas.. the threat of being attacked by a falling tree. #I did go out some but again it's like. literallyyou cant walk on it. so I just squatted and dragged myself along the ground lol #One of my stories has a whole section where the main characters are trapped in a deadly cold environment for a week and have to use magic #to survive and etc. etc. so I'm always like.. ouuu.. I should go in the ice.. it's Writing Research actually.. *foolishly gets frostbite* #THOUGH yesterday I went on a harrowing evil journey down a bunch of icy hilly roads to go check on some person's cat because the cat #had been left in the house for like 5 days at that point with nobody to check on them and nobody else seemed to want to do anything #about it (like call all of the neighbors or try to get someone out there) so I just went myself with a roommate who agreed to drive me. #It seemed acting totally normal and I gave it more food and water but.. I am still worried about it.. Apparently the person will be able #to get back to their house tomorrow but.. I dont trust them. But I couldnt take the cat with me because it's like.. a stranger's cat #basically and also no carrier + very skittish.. so I feared if I just tried to carry them bare handed they'd definitely leap from my grasp #and then it'd be like.. sliding on a sheet of ice chasing a cat and so on.. I still think they need to be watched for health issues tho >:| #ANYWAY.... many cat adventures lately... and strange weather... I wish for a normal week without always so many Things Happening.. augh

[stardust-vi]

Dumb ramble but I hate that you can't critique The Thing you love within a fandom space without some dude breathing down your neck like "Well actually that means you hate The Author and The Thing! And what about all the times The Author did this Good Thing? Checkmate, liberal." as if you can't be critical of something because you love it and want it to be better.

#just. i'm in a rush rn so i'm probably not articulating myself well and i could go more in-depth with my thoughts #at the risk of someone spinning my words into “cringe blue hair pronoun wants to cancel araki!” which... will happen inevitably #even though i don't know how many times i can repeat “i do not hate araki #this is specifcally about jjba btw because like. #look i love it and araki has done some good things (or at least had good intentions in most cases) #but i'm so over the fact he constantly has to reach for some form of traumatizing women in his writing #and I already hear “well it shows they're a villain!” #but does he HAVE to use assault? why does he have to use that instead of demonstrating their villainy in other ways #that don't need to use it as a crutch #i'm not even saying you can't ever write about assault #that's not my argument either. #I'm not even accusing him of being a bad writer or person but just. Can we please retire the overusage of assault for shock value? #i obviously don't hate people who enjoy the series regardless #i'd be a massive fucking hypocrite #i mean i've literally been in this damn fandom for 6 years and just now decided to post my art. #but i'm tired of any time someone brings up legit criticisms of the misogyny in his writing #it's met with “but araki did this-” like it changes anything. #i'm glad he did somewhat improve writing women over time compared to the earlier parts #that said. that doesn't cancel out the blunders he did make or will make in the future #even if he has good intent. #or really any criticism of the writing being hit with “but its not supposed to make sense #anyways rant over. probably going to delete later bc im tired. #tw assault #assault tw

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

every night i wake up and say "this is the night i respond to my friends' messages" and every morning i say "i swear i'll do it when i wake up"

#repeat repeat repeat until you get stuck on that cycle of guilt and forgetfulness and guilt and stress and guilt and Oops Forgot Again and- #see this is why i'm really bad at making/keeping friends!!! #bc i meet someone and then they text me and then i Never Reply #bc i wait too long dithering on how to answer or i forget to open it and then its Been too Long #biting myself so so hard #mentally. not physically. im not into that. ....probably #hmmm apologies for Venting On Main im just feeling this intensely before i turn in #yet another day of telling myself ill do something important and another day of not doing it #absolutely unprompted #unfortunately i also tend to do this with asks/replies and it kills me inside every time #not as much as accidentally ghosting people i care about but Wowzah #i simply cannot escape this mental block when it comes to anything #i still have to reply to my grandpa's responding father's day text. its been a week. #wailing howling clawing my way into the cold dark earth etc

[quatregats]

How do I exist in a way that is both kind to my body and does not make my brain feel like it's going to explode

#really not sure what's going on here but we need to find a middle ground or else i'm going to drive myself to an early grave #literally why did i not sleep on friday night. could i not have done that. everything hurts i hate life #the worst part is that routine is great for a couple of days but eventually the brain itch inevitably drives me up the wall again #and the cycle repeats. and repeats. and repeats #i'm honestly very good at self care overall but it's a spiders georg situation #percy sleeps 5 hours per night a lie average night percy sleeps 10 hours random hyperfixation all-nighters are outliers #it would just probably be cooler overall if i slept 7-8 hours a night instead and Didn't Do That #perce rambles

[verflares]

im really feeling that post lately thats like "sometimes you just have to draw a guy standing there instead of doing something cool or dynamic. for your mental health" but at the same time trying to do that feels like the equivalent of chewing drywall

#raaaaaagh.... #(repeating to myself) you have to do it bad. you have to do it scared. you have to do it. bored. #i think im fine ive just been having a lot of problems focusing up lately + feeling really understimulated which isnt helping #but i am chippin away at art/writing stuff what i can..... sniffs #personal.txt

[bookshelf-in-progress]

How many times do I have to learn the lesson that I should start the story when the story starts instead of trying to tack on introductory worldbuilding?

Seriously. My instincts about when to start the story are almost never wrong. But I always assume the first scene in my imagination requires set-up that people outside of my imagination don't have. So I tack on an intro to set the mood and to set up the plot and characters and world. And it's boring. When I should have just started where I wanted to start so I could weave explanations into a scene where things are actually happening.

#adventures in writing #i decided to tackle that goose girl retelling i came up with earlier this summer #(the one that was supposed to be a simple short version of a fairy tale) #(but i got too attached to it and became paralyzed by the need to do it right) #it turned out that one big hurdle was the lack of names #so i finally just picked some and went with it #and then when it came to starting the story i thought that i needed to show how the mc feels lost and ashamed by her fall #and explain that she had a talking horse and it's dead now and all that complicated stuff #and then i remembered writing 'a day late' where i made sure the story started with the character *doing* something #which is a decent lesson but it wasn't quite enough here #the really important lesson i should have learned from 'a day late' is that you shouldn't start the story too early #i had tried a meandering scene of beatrice arriving at the castle and it was boring #and i solved the problem by starting partway through her frantic search #and then wove in the explanations about her situation #which is exactly what needs to happen with this goose girl story #i just need to start with her doing something and then weave in all the exposition bit by bit #start where i'd initially wanted to start and let the readers figure out all the backstory as i slowly reveal it #i feel like i've repeated myself five times so i'll stop talking now

[todayisafridaynight]

No because Zhao speculating felt like such a

Looks into the camera

"I bet you're wondering why that happened. ;) heres maybe a reason ebina was deep..."

moment

no literally- like other antags' endgame Deep Moment scenes worked because there was SOME build up throughout the game to key us in on them from a deeper level but it just doesnt work with ebina

#iw spoilers #spoilers #snap chats #a big part To Me really is because hes just an aoki clone like its really not something to look over when its so half-assed #they did have his flashback and backstory but like .. i repeat it just feels like such a lame plot twist ... #a plot twist that could have been really interchangeable ... before i get into the orphan-under-kazama rant again.. #YK1 nishiki got his build up from watching his added backstory scenes and even the scenes with yumi in the beginning #yk where its clear yumi gives more attention to kiryu #ryuji .. ok i mean tbf he was majorly there to fuck around he wasnt trying to be overly deep but even he still has his issues #HE STILL AT LEAST HAD A PRESENCE and even so his moment with kaoru was real sweet .. big bro ryuji my beloved im cryin ... #like a character doesnt have to be OVERLY deep to be fun/enjoyable i love ryuji ... hi king ... im getting off topic .... #MINE-- //is pulled off stage before i get into it// #and aoki is built up from the arakawa's accounts of him coupled with his Dog Eats Dog mentality and esp that NYE flashback #that shot of the No Dumping sign lives in my mind forever .... so good im going to kill myself thinking bout aoki bye ... #im rambling point is Do Better RGG what happened. the stories and characters had been bangers from 0 to 7 to gaiden and then. ???

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that? #because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought #i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy #its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere #bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like #normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes #possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my #reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it #i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything #in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place #i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass #i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired #god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or #read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill #so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating #its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage #bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it 💪 #i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn #unrelated

[quietresistance]

it will forever amuse me that kat has become the nickname everyone uses for her (even i do because of that) even though she personally dislikes it. but also she doesn't like most people using her preferred nickname either because she views it as personal. she just wants to be called katherine.

#· ooc ╲ stitching away with glen miller on repeat #also yes my mun name is from the same reason #i've used katherine for reenacting since i was in high school (one of my ancestors had the name) and i always thought it was pretty #so when i made katherine it just fit..... and then one day when i realized i wanted to not go by my legal name here #i realized that that was the only name i could really imagine myself going by because i do for history reasons sometimes! #and since next to no one calls her kitty and i felt like going by katherine was too much #that is how we have the same name on here to an extent XD

[feluka]

i feel like i’m floating. i can’t believe it. my grades just dropped and i’ve somehow passed all my courses.

#🌻 #i was 110% sure i was going to fail one #my superpower of doing do poorly and yet just ok enough to pass strikes again. it has never failed me. #i was so so sure this was the semester i fail a course. i was preparing myself and everything. #i even told my parents in advance that i was going to have to repeat some courses this summer (and they did NOT take that well) #but looks like i can rest this summer. that's really all i wanted tbh. i want to SLEEP this summer. #but also the grades are VERY funny because they're LITERALLY right on the threshold between pass and fail it's insane. it's bonkers. #this is like a very rare gacha pull (i'm sure this analogy doesn't speak poorly of me and my tastes) #YIPPE #i'm going to cry honestly i will #my professors were SO MEAN to me this semester and they sent me some VERY VERY CRUEL EMAILS. #if i had to repeat the courses. well i would have rather died than looked these people in the eyes again. THANK GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[kevin-sedai]

The vibe really deteriorated as the day went on, and now I'm sitting in bed, awake, feeling like garbage

#it was an okay weekend but i was jittery and numb for most of it #tried to write christmas cards for the first time in 2 years. cried while doing so and then had to lie down after i did 5 #i got frustrated with the story i'm writing and considered dropping it or deleting the whole thing #spent friday alone pretty much all day which normally i'm fine with but for whatever reason made the loneliness really hit hard this time #spent all thanksgiving day waiting for a familial confrontation #got asked by my 6 year old nephew how old i was and then he followed up with 'well why arent you married what are you doing' #which i'm pretty sure is something he heard in a conversation someone else was having and he repeated it bc he's 6 fucking years old #which btw i don't hold against him or am mad at him about bc he's an innocent kid #but that made me feel really shitty #spent an hour today panicking about this dog virus #and in between all of that i was self diagnosing myself with mental illnesses #which made me feel awful bc it made gaslight myself in thinking maybe i wanted one? #which is so fucked up to the max and i'm so sorry for even putting that here #but i put this all here bc i could never have this conversation with people irl #they'd get too worried or they'd think i'm overreacting or i need to date or need to do something with myself besides read #i'm so sorry everyone #i'll try to be better #i just had to put this out somewhere #and i didn't put this in a journal bc my last entry sounds so teenagerish out of context i don't even want to look at it #anyway i have to try to sleep i have to go into the office early tomorrow #i'm sorry guys #i really am😔

[maddyshome]

Gojo and Geto are not opposites. They are two sides of the same coin. Toji is Geto's opposite and Yuuji is Gojo's opposite. Just like how Yuuji is Sukuna's opposite.

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru #geto suguru #toji fushiguro #yuuji itadori #and yall gonna read this and wonder wtf do i mean #well i have already said what i wanted to say ab toji and geto so i wont repeat myself #ab yuuji and gojo tho #gojo is indifferent to people he deems weaker than him #he doesnt hate them nor love them i think the whole flower metaphor tells us enough ab what gojo thinks of others #unlike him yuuji is overly empathic and sympathetic with others #he cares TOO much #gojo thinks he is special and yuuji thinks he is worthless #so its why i think they are opposite each other just like how their ideologies ab the world and other people are 😗 #its actually the same w geto and toji 😗😗 just based on their ideologies #gojo doesnt really care ab his students as people but as flowers as potential to bloom #so as sorcerers 😗 #meanwhile yuuji cares ab people as individuals #does it make sense ? ??? #so yea i think gojo and sukuna are similar if it was not clear in the manga that they are