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#don't ask i was going through some shit

jtl-fics · 11 months

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I just want you to know you ruined Pepto Bismol for me. Everytime i see it i want to laugh and make a joke about fluent Freshman

But no one in my real life knows what that is.

And trying to explain I read a trilogy about traumatized college kids who play a fictional sport and are hunted by the mafia.

And then read a fanfic with the main character named Fluent Freshman and he was so anxious all the time he bought out the fucking CVS/convenience store of Pepto.

Just doesn't make you sound sane.

FF has long been a sting operation against Procter & Gamble. Can't believe you've all missed the incredibly tiny font that says: brought to you by Haleon the maker of Tums on every single FF update.

I am, of course, joking*************.

Sorry to have FF spill into causing real life consequences for you. Perhaps you should try Tums for your tummy needs?

#Fluent Freshman Au #Honestly the fact it has been around 48 hours since FF's last PB hit?#He's going though some withdrawal #He just needs one hit Gran #Just one hit of that sweet pink nectar #I'm begging you to sneak me in a bottle #Just one Gran then I'll stop #No I can stop whenever I want don't judge me #Catch FF's own rehab arc happening as he detoxes off of pepto bismol.#Significantly less trauma involved in that one #Just FF through a series of stupid events getting Proust arrested for his crimes #He just thinks the doctor left because he didn't like FF #This is not the next arc but by god I think it'd be funny to have Ichirou have the opportunity #because FF is there doing his goof ass shit #Perhaps a joking AU of the AU someday #ask

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louisegluckpdf · 9 months

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there needs to be some kind of concert etiquette primer booklet because i feel like we’re forgetting that a lot of these kids were locked inside during the years where you start going to concerts and learning how to behave at them. shit’s dire

i am always saying this!!!! everyone should have to pass a concert etiquette pop quiz in order to buy tickets.

#and to some extent i think the quarantine thing is true but i absolutely don't think it's 100% responsible #bc i see people my age (early-mid 20s) doing some incredibly rude shit at concerts! they should know better!#also i don't think you have to go to too many concerts to 'learn' concert etiquette bc most of it is just common courtesy imo #would u shove past people in any other environment? then don't do it at a concert!#would u talk the whole way through a movie? then don't do it at a concert!#a lot of these things have nothing to do with covid i fear......#asks

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hellofears · 4 days

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having issues with men, the associations the instant distrust, which i dont like i dont want it i want things to be different, just all of it so much just the dynamic i have the relationship all of it the way the world is atleast online and having a younger brother. I wouldn't trade him for the world, I try and talk to him where I can and will continue to do so i adore him but i fear. i believe in him i want joy for him. I fear that his peers will feed him fckn brainrot and it scares me. not even just that he'll fall into that thinking that his fuckn upstanding that his unwillingness to follow ppl will hurt him. crazy shit at schools, like why tf r ppl dying kids young teens killing eaachother with knives? ??I don't want to loose him i don't want to see him loose who he is and the heart that he has i don't and i hope he rises above it all and will continue to. i feel like im stating what he has to be or smth but all i could ask for is his wellbeing, respect, humanity, that he treats himself well know what he deserves and has some sense of self, some gravity. I feel like shit sometimes for this aspect that i'm concerned that i just idk, i dont like the whole 'dont disappoint me' thing he owes nothing to me other than basic human decency and respect, hes a reason why i live but to i just that intrusive thought of there is no different the hell u think of is real about men to someone i hold so fckn dear to in a way show me their fckn fuckery its idk, like another? it'd hurt me, it'd hurt me bad.

i've never understood men or boys, amab, who go on about their connection or like protectiveness of their sisters of their mother but treat other women like shit like their familiars aren't women? you don't want to fuck them so its different? what is it like just whats the difference why does it have to pertain to you for you to care? do you care or do you see them as an extension? is it a personality trait for you? a 'lover boy' thing? a signal to women, women u imagine u want and is going to be 'ur woman' but u cant even like visualize them in a way that doesnt pertain to your sexual interests? a signal so people can say oh he loves his mother so hes good to go and prime? a 'mummys boy' ? are they not real women just because u dont feel that sort of way? talking about women that way with your friends? do i have to bring up the fact those same people could date your sister etc for you to care? those people could make the kids that surround your kids, your daughter. idk.

its like okay u want sex so u respect them less? did no one hear dont bite the hand that feeds you? what the fuck is going on. you cant fuck them so its all good? the demeaning-ness? lack of gravity, venom is just rapid, vapid

#*txt🗣️#real world issues #i instantly think of counter points before i say anything especially online and i hate it because its like im accustomed to ppl being accus #atory. at being contrary. shitting on vulnerability. shitting on emotions. shitting on hhumanity. shitting on the ability to care.#women can be pieces of shit men can queer folk can i can be you can be to me theres an ability just as people and the world of choice that #-e have. im not saying everyones on the brink of doing the worst and makes a choice not to either if ur going through that u need to seek #help or some sort of sincere dialogue well and truly. but the world around me has made me who i am just as much as my reaction. not all etc #is a no brainer. ppl dont have a neon sign on their forehead. its understandable why the caution has been fckn drilled into so many afab so #many women in the hearts of many and thats hurt fear and absolute rage simmering anger for bs. i understand proventitive cautions to ppl #especially those who tend to be the direct target demographic but to drill in fear to woman to afab not even just on a personal level imsur #everyones experience is different on that front and their thoughts but on a society level and then take no action to then be like atleast t #my knowledge or its just not fckn working bitch its crickets. men should be able to feel safe enough to share their fears and worries to be #vulnerable but that isn't coddling bs and pointing the fingers at women at afab. theres weight in the way both sexes have been socialized #its cause and effect i refuse that it can't be helped. i refuse it. i reject it. thats not me discrediting or trying to come at gender(s)#at ppls gender identity etc. i mean everything makes us who we are. its all part of a journey. ones sex doesn't invalidate such a thing.#humans are so complex to say someones just pulling shit out their ass for the giggles is wild. no matter what it rings true for people #its not for us to choose for eachother we don't choose what others want to share we can't decide how someone else feels we can't read them-#back a book they feel like they've never heard or is bs and give them the finger. u can't tell someone they're the authour and they didn't #write the book or they didn't hire you or agree and want u to write it for them? ur not a ghostwriter bitch ur writing perception #i mean the way we're brought up the way society has become accustomed it effects results its a world in of itself made #to no fruitful benefit atleast to me for any party. when desire grips you at the throat when you allow your will you allow your every whim #the desire isnt even desire anymore. now you're creating a loop you're creating a possibility for a life with no balance #if men are so upstanding they aren't like one another they aren't the bad ones why is the refusal to move forward and write past men up #write them wrong feel so heavy or resound so heavily atleast to me. write for better because you're better. know you're better.#excitement as it once was turns into not enough then again and again. and the core issue even thbere i care for other parties responsibilit #relationships are a back and forth dont choose for others what they want dont decide for others. ask them.#u shouldn't have to constantly prove ur different but heres the thing if in ur life those who know you atleast if u have walked the road #u speak of the valiant road you've trecked supposedly there'd be nothing to prove. you've walked it. if a new person comes along you dont #need effort to show you have basic respect for another. and if u dont have that respect dont get mad at those who dont want u in their live #u took yourself out their market. life is a in moment custom experience. buckle up. not me talking about love like a business worker or smt

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boxwinebaddie · 6 days

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Miss Ninaa!! When are you free for the summer???

hello, sweetling! and good morning, good afternoon or good night wherever it is that you are. <3 regardless of the time of day, please just know that the world around you is brighter bc you're in it. c':

so i just want to start out by saying that i know i say this a lot...but i cannot tell you what it means to me that you guys care enough about me to be curious about the trajectory of my offline life.

...like, i really just have the sweetest anons in the world, huh? ;-;

i feel unbelievably blessed and count my lucky stars everyday because of each and everyone of you. thank you for being your lovely, lovely selves and caring not only about me as a person but my silly and strange au styles from hell.

speaking of, i am aware that it does not seem like it because of how sporadically i post ncu related content ( if at all ) but i am trying to work on some stuff...as you know well by now, i like to really take my time putting out my work because the quality of the content that you read is paramount to me. you are all far too near and dear to my heart to receive lame, rushed, unclear boof ass content from me.

like...i simply will not do it. thank you for your paitence.

( i will say that i am specifically working on an ask about the greenhouse kiss which AAAAAA giggling, twirling my hair and kicking my feet, like it is SOOOOO satisfying, holy shit! it's also very, very important to the plot which is why i have been taking my time on it. i do hope to put it out today but i am trying not to make promises that i can't keep, get your hopes and dreams up just to dash them and most unfortunately, i do not have a great track record in that regard. i know it's kind of a bummer...but i like to be honest w/ y'all. )

ANYWAYS!

without further ado, here's a little glimpse into my life. xx

again, thank you for asking...that is very cute of you. c': <333

( this is lengthy and lowkey irrelevant. you can absolutely skip this but i think that i am pretty informative in here, so it might be useful? idk. )

so actually, my summer is pretty busy and jam-packed for the most part! or, the first two months are, at least. because i decided to take on summer camp here at the school i work on! camp counsellor nina!

i decided to nab a summer camp supervising position for a couple of reasons. like, obviously, teaching does not pay that much, so really, i need to make all the money i can while i can. don't worry about me tho, guys. bc actually am doing extremely well for myself. <333

( i am a very lucky person, haha -- god nerfed me by being mentally ill, but did make me pretty and personable...which gets me far in life. on the topic of mental illness [ of which i am very ] today i should fare quite well bc other than having a mild headache and being lowkey naseous because my mood stabilizer has that side effect for me...it is worth it when i rem(ember) to take it because it makes me very calm and level, so i am better at responding to my asks/doing my tasks. )

another reason is it keeps me busy...when i am not constantly busy, i get very depressed and fall into gnarly sprials. my job has a lot of downtime and when i am not running around like crazy because a bunch of teachers are out, i'm bored as fuck and i get lazy or restless.

very lame...this summer, i will be looking for a different job ( fml, if you are my boss, don't read this ) and i am a bad procrastinator so i missed the deadline for a fuck ton of teaching positions, but hopefully i can find something in the realm of associate or assistant teaching because....lmao, point and laugh but i am still a little too nervous to teach a whole class by myself. if kids get disadvantaged academically because i am too incompetent at teaching, i will die.

but yeah...if i am still babysitting fourteen year olds after this ( they did grow on me, but it's really not my speed ) please also point and laugh because i would rather go back to retail...yes, i am desperate.

on the subject of teaching kids that are in my wheelhouse and doing stuff my speed, summer camp is actually all k-5 so i will FINALLY being doing a majority of my teaching in the age group that i have my literal credential in. YAY! it's going to be hot as shit where i am over the summer, probably also tiring as shit ( have you seen how little kids act in the summer? ) but i am so fkn exCITED to work with the littles HEEEEELLL YES, BROTHER! uncle nina will be Vibing! <333

so for the first four weeks i am doing general camp stuff, getting a feel for stuff and wokring with all the grade levels...but the LAST two weeks, i get to specifically associate teach in the kindergarten classroom and AAAAAAAA!!!!! I FKN LOVE THE KINDERS!!!!! i visit them every other day because, again, i am bored as shit and they need help over there so i usually hang out with them in PE and play hula hoop tag with them...rn they are learning how to jump rope. soooo stinking cute, oh my god.

-- BUT YES I AM SOOOOO FREAKING STOKED YOU GUYS LIKE I WAS MADE FOR THIS BROTHER. i am gonna wear so many crazy outfits and do such weird makeup pray it doesn't melt off my face.

also, during camp, they go on little field trips and things, hopefully swimming, ( uncle nina is mermaid nina ) and feed you the same stuff as the campers so i get to eat like a nasty frat boy and have pizza and pasta and stuff, which, let me tell you, i am genuinely stoked because they cater a free lunch for the faculty here everyday and it's supposed to be all fancy and shit...but there is a reason it's free because it is SOOOO mid. like it really is kind of ass. i don't know how they do that.

but, sigh, camp is only six weeks so i have to fill my time with other stuff ( also i guess that means in six weeks from when school is done on june...14th, i think? i am free? ) i hope to use that time to structure the fuck out of my life, planf or the future because i am hella bad at it and i hope to do a lot of writing! kind of a pipe dream at this point becaue all my stuff has been *british tolkien vc* actual shite and i can't finish anything...but maybe when i feel better, writing will come easier? when i am less busy and stressed? i hope so. and i hope you guys are still around if i am here but i Completely understand if you are not! it's been a long, bumpy ride. you did your dues and you are free to step off at any time. again, i do not blame you. i am annoying.

BUT YEAH! that's my summer for you! summer camp, hanging out with my cat ( her name is lily, she is very beautiful, very kind, very fluffy and dumb as rocks but she is my babygirl ), getting lots of sushi, going to the thrift store, doing self care stuff, doing less self harm in various odd forms specifically in the form of self sabotage, getting my life together and organized, finding a new job, bettering myself and the world, being kind, entertaining all of you and hopefully writing again! yay! i'll update you as much as i can.

and please, please, pleeeease update me on your lives! i know i don't always respond, but i read everything. my friend who won FIRST PLACE for her raven sculpture, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU BABY. my friends who unfortunately went through breakups, i am so sorry, please know it is their loss, you are stronger for it and i hope you heal, but if ravesey can...you can baby. also proud of my various friends going to college and my friends that are not! my friends toiling through their lame jobs and my friends who are dipping their toes in the world of creativity through writing, drawing expressing yourself! i love, love, LOVE you! thank you for sharing your lives with me.

( speaking of friends, i am specifically hoping to spend my summer bonding with my rant girlies and we made a little group chat and we are being so funny and chaotic and unhinged. i love them all so bad. )

BUT YEAH! thank you for asking my love! look out for some important in character asks, hopefully some finished or more distinguished writing and know that if i am not responding or posting, it is not because i lost interest...as you can see, i am very busy, especially as the school year approaches an end, my summer is a little busy, i fall into ugly manic/depressive cycles and am working on taking care of myself...offline. thank you for understanding.

and thank you for being here! you are troopers, forreal! you are angels and saints for putting up for me and enduring me never posting or posting really chaotic weird stuff. i love you. thanks for caring. <3

i love you and i hope you heal,

uncle nina, future ceo of glamour girl summer camp <3

P.S. i am specifically working on developing and post more about my other aus because i want to give you some variety and challenge myself to do stuff out of my comfort zone! so if you are excited at all about the tsot/tfbw nina stuff, please make some NOOOOISE! lol and if you are not i totally get it, but if you could give me gentility and grace, i would appreciate it because i'm insecure abt it. MWAH!

#hi baby!#thank you SO much for asking you are so stinking cute for this like omg i am blushing thank you so much #i am working on answering some asks but its slow goings but i am emotionally stable nina today so hell yeah brother #i love the greenhouse kiss ask but it requires a lot of context moving parts and me explaining stuff thoroughly #thank you for being paitent i hope its worth it #i also don't know how much people care about my dead ass fanfic or any of my stuff but thanks for fighting the good fight #anyways! camp counsellor nina!#i get to work with the k-5 kids i am so stoked its gonna be loud and very hot outside but fun and enriching #very stoked to do something entertaining #when i tell you i am BORED it fucking sucks like this job is so ass and rn my school is kinda going through messy drama #so it's not pleasant to be here i am not having fun #BUT I WILL! and i have a lot of fun answering my asks hell ya #wokring on getting another job holy shit please pray for me #but yah! trying to be a better me and come back into myself and write more comfortably you guys are helping me #thank you for respecting my time and need for space #i am pretty introverted inspite of my little god complex big scary writer routine and i get overwhelmed by attention #i never quite know what to say but i'm trying #write to me anytime i love you #also i had a friend send me an ask and ask me if their question is odd -- it's not sweetheart i just don't have an answer yet #i haven't shdslkhdld thought about it hard enough but i will get back to you haha y'all are unhinged and kind and so cute #ily ily ILY

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moregraceful · 9 months

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feeling uncooperative with the prompts in the meme. between cheech and old pat which one would survive a joint venture into a thrift store? and which of them would you convert into a minor league baseball player if you had a magic wand

God yeah I reblogged that list and then read the questions and was like...this list is wack lol. Anyway THANK YOU these questions are much more important and gets really into the Hearts and Minds of these men.

Who survives a joint venture to the thrift store: Old Pat. It's Old Pat. Man has looked 40 years old since he hit puberty and has just kept growing older. Old man is in his element with the real senior citizens. However it is very important to me to mention that they're going to a bespoke thrift store for like farm and cowboy shit. Cheech could handle normal thrifting. Cheech would be great at normal thrifting. But take him to a store where it's JUST vintage farming equipment and cowboy leather shit and that city boy is going to panic. Old Pat is having a blast looking at pieces of metal that clearly spark joy in his construction worker heart but make NO sense to Cheech, son of academics, WHL overager. Cheech agreed to come to the store to push the cart but now he is manfully deep breathing while Old Pat examines a metal thing with rings. Is it for horses? Is it for wearing? Is it a BDSM thing? Do you put it on a tractor? Cheech is scared. (It is literally just a beval bit.) These stores don't exist in the Bay Area but maybe they do in idk Manitoba or Michigan or whatever. Or Gilroy, where all our dreams come true.

Minor league baseball player: the thing is, we're on Sieloff Watch (KING. ANNOUNCE YOUR RETIREMENT OR SIGN SOMEWHERE BEFORE I THROW UP) and Cheech is having his hot girl summer. So I'm inclined to say Cheech, just bc I think he has a shot in hell of making it OUT of minor league baseball. Also he is handsome like a baseball player. He has the looks for it. Not that you have to be handsome to be a baseball player but it helps. Can you imagine that man in the humid outfield of some nameless town in the San Joaquin Valley, fighting for his life in the game, the top three buttons of his jersey are undone, his curls are wilting, the uhhhh idk Fresno Nightcrawlers, AA for some cursed af West Coast team, are down 9-7 in the 8th, when the skies open up and it starts pouring...the stands, already two-thirds empty on a Tuesday night clear, while the teams run for cover under the downpour. Nick stands in the outfield and tilts his head toward the sky, feeling, for a moment, relief and peace.

#this was soooo fun thank you #i unpacked 21 boxes of books. i need to organize since the categorization is loose but at least there are no longer 24 boxes in that room #there is a box of comics i don't want and two boxes of cookbooks for the kitchen #idk what to do with the comics. the part of my life where i was an issue by issue reader of comics is over #tempted to loosely inventory and sell on ebay like here for $50 all these doa indies can be YOUR problem #i'm also missing a whole chunk of my tkams but my mom says she saw a box of them in another room #which is good bc i would literally go insane if i were truly missing any of my intl copies of tkam some of that shit was SO hard to aquire #anyway i just remembered what i was going to say which is that in the cuda frontier town au in my shower thoughts #siels is the washer woman. he runs a laundry. employs robbie (too small to ride horses) and weather (doesn't want to be a cowboy)#cheech comes from way out of town bc he's on the run from the LAW (shot a man in manitoba but the other guy had it coming)#he lives in old pat's house above the laundry. shares a bedroom with robbie. siels teaches him how to get the blood off of leather #siels falls in love but the LAW catches up with cheech and he has to run further west and old washerwoman pat and his boys stonewall the LA #siels thinks of him still on cold nights. when he can hear his boarders laughing through the walls as they play cards #what life must be like to be young and in love..... (he is literally 28)#also henry is the one room school teacher #cage replies #anon #i love this ask lol thank you so much 🙏😌

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crush3dmary · 4 months

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I'm going to do a trial run and enable anon for the next 24 hours. Feel free to ask me anything, though hate and d*scourse will be ignored and blocked.

#I'm opening myself up to some bad shit considering everything i've been through in the last few years #but I think most people who cause The Issues also don't follow my tumblr so I'm going to trust you guys #if you've ever wanted to ask me anything now's your chance

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northern-passage · 1 year

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do you rec god of war (from what you've played)? i've been looking for new rpgs to play but i feel like im 50/50 on this game

so for ragnarok, i haven't really played too much yet to have a real opinion, i've literally only played about 2 hours, and a lot of it has been cutscenes setting up the narrative (like a lot of cutscenes. i was surprised but i'm into it because i like my games with a juicy story. i have seen others complain about this though but i'm withholding judgement since i know i'm still early on and the game is clearly easing me into the story, and i haven't even gotten into the "open world" part yet) BUT that said i have enjoyed what i've played so far.

as for god of war, the first one from 2018, i haven't played it in a few years but i would still 100% recommend! i have some criticisms of that game but nothing major, just that i felt like the characterization of atreus was inconsistent and some aspects of his character arc felt shoehorned in (i can't really say specifics without spoilers)... however i can still excuse it as him just being a kid, and overall the game is really fun and i do still like the story and relationship between kratos and atreus, and all of that outweighs the mild criticism. the combat with the leviathan axe is literally my all-time favorite combat in any game, i love it so much. they did a really good job making both the axe and kratos himself feel very heavy and powerful.

also the character designs are really good. i've been losing my mind over thor in ragnarok so far, and i really like freya (who is in both games) and all of the valkyries. the regions you get to explore are fun, the "fish out of water" greek god dealing with norse gods is interesting, and i like that the core of the narrative in the first game is very mundane, despite everything else that happens. and with the sequel, it feels organic, like the 2018 game clearly set up ragnarok with the way it ended so i do feel confident in ragnarok even though i haven't played much.

i've never played any of the previous god of war games so i can't say anything about those, i went into the 2018 one pretty much blind and only knowing that kratos was the god of war, though i did eventually skim some wiki pages but even then i still have minimal knowledge of kratos' history. which honestly kind of adds to it, for me personally, at least. we know he's done terrible things, we get glimpses of it through kratos' memories, but it's in the past and now he's trying to be better.

so if any of that sounds interesting, you should check it out :-)

#like kratos is trying but he's not successful (so far)#controversial opinion but kratos isnt like joel or logan because kratos is a really bad father lmfao #it's not the same as logan and joel suddenly becoming the guardians of random children #kratos IS atreus' father for real and he knew about him #but i think that's what makes their relationship interesting esp playing from kratos perspective #and again obviously even w/o playing previous games we know that kratos has been through a lot #and has done terrible things and has had terrible things done to him #and we can see him trying to break the cycle. i don't think he can do it but i do think that atreus can #also one more thing irt 'too many cutscenes' since im not too far in i really cant say if there's 'too many'#im not really sure if there is a thing as 'too many' when you are trying to tell a story. which is clearly what god of war is doing #so don't go in expecting cod or some shit idk lmfao. people use video games to tell stories. it's a storytelling medium #sometimes... the game needs to tell the story #and you just have to listen #you know?#ANYWAYS. this has become a real gamer blog the last few days... i just love discussing. bideo game #thanks for humoring me lmfao #ask #savagious

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daswarschonkaputt · 2 years

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Don't know what to do with myself. Read cpt8 of BTS & now I'm just floating in this ether of WTF. There are levels to fanfics, levels of skill and poignancy etc and this just blew my mind. I haven't written a review yet, forgive me that, haven't had the time. BUT. Needed a peek inside your head - that is if you're not exhausted. Kinn's progression felt more peripheral to Porsche's, of course, it's P centric. I'd love a guide from chp1 to chpt 8 of what he feels/thinks/goes thru. Only if poss.

okay before i get to my answer: when i started typing this, i expected it to be a broad little overview of kinn in each chapter, where he’s at, what he’s thinking. and then i started putting in quotes. and it got long. i’m not even sure how much of it makes sense. but, uh, enjoy?

i promised i'd get to your ask and i finally did!

okay, so i'm going to go very broadly here, but we'll go through chapter by chapter and talk a little about how kinn feels:

chapter one: the state of play and the product launch

when we join kinn and porsche, they've been engaged in their fake relationship for a week or so, and they've fallen into a beliigerent equilibrium. kinn is incredibly attracted to porsche, and is struggling with this, because the proximity that's forced by the ruse is not allowing him to put porsche out of his mind in a way that allows him to feel in control. to compensate for this, kinn exerts control over porsche in whatever ways he can: he controls how porsche dresses, how porsche interacts with his friends, how porsche does his job.

he's kind of a terrible boss to porsche during this time, i'll be real.

the product launch is almost a relief to him, i think, because porsche has been meekly swallowing all of kinn's domineering shit, and kinn can't figure out why that bothers him. so when porsche finally pushes back, acts out -- that's a reaction. it's a sign that kinn isn't the only one affected. they wind each other up.

and then porsche nearly gets killed. he nearly gets killed in a bathroom kinn dragged him into, left him in -- when kinn was nowhere in sight. this was an attack on porsche. and it's kinn's fault.

kinn's the one who finds porsche, by the way. porsche is covered in blood, unconscious, and has a dead body on top of him. kinn goes very rapidly into crisis management here -- he and his team get to work covering up the death. (because can you imagine the press shitstorm if someone got murdered at your product launch?)

a few details from porsche's convalescence: porsche is on a heart monitor because he got electrocuted; kinn stays with him during the first night until he's certain porsche is okay; kinn's gone the rest of the time not because he's giving porsche space, but because he's murdering like. everyone and anyone that might have had something to do with it.

kinn wasn't really great at hiding how freaked out he was by porsche's injury during this time -- and pretty much everyone in the compound realised from his reaction that oh shit, khun kinn really cares about this one. hence why everyone starts calling porsche khun porsche after this.

following him getting strangled, porsche is notably subdued. kinn notices this, and feels some kind of way about it, and then goes out to murder some more people.

(seriously, ppl asking for the kinn pov of the fic, word of god: he spends most of it killing people in porsche's name.)

when kinn comes back to the room and finds porsche missing, he goes looking for him, and finds him with tankhun. this is probably the moment that kinn goes from "he's hot and i care for him" to "oh shit i'm in so much trouble". the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach? no. the fastest way to a man's heart is through engaging with and indulging his family.

it's kind of a huge deal that porsche has not only humoured tankhun but, like, gotten on his level, engaged with tankhun's interests, hung out with him, talked to him, and not once treated him with anything other than compassion and respect.

and then. and then. after all this, porsche turns around and flawlessly extracts himself from kinn's little mind game with his bodyguards? kinn's mind is on fire. he's gone from wanting to fuck porsche (to get it out of his system) to something more, something terrifying, and he knows it's only going to get worse.

chapter two: the diamond auction, aka it gets worse

okay, so the kinn content this chapter is a little less. i will mention that this line:

“Since the incident, I’m not permitted to leave the Compound without a detail accompanying me, but because Kinn’s busy doing whatever the hell it is he’s up to these days, there aren’t enough men spare for me to be assigned my own security team..."

has to do with all the murder that kinn is doing in porsche's name. that's the whatever the hell kinn is up to these days. defending porsche's honour, under the paper thin excuse of protecting the best interests of his family.

kinn spends most of this chapter realising just how much trouble he's in with regards to porsche. because holy shit every successive moment they have together just hammers it home more. porsche makes tankhun leave the house. porsche leaves jaunty little notes for him signed kisses, porsche which can really only be read sardonically. porsche flinches when kinn goes for his neck, and then tolerates it, lets kinn touch him, even after he was strangled.

oh this bit:

“Kinn,” Porsche says, before he can think better of it. “Did you ever find out, who sent the woman from the bathroom?” Kinn glances over his shoulder. “Dead men tell no tales,” he says. “And those that are living are usually fairly unwilling, too.” Porsche nods. “Yeah,” he says quietly. “I guessed that.” Kinn pauses outside the bathroom. “Porsche,” he starts. Porsche waits. Kinn shakes his head. “Nevermind.”

i don't know precisely what kinn was going to say here anymore (this chapter was so long ago) but i imagine it was something like, are you okay? or maybe even, put it out of your mind, that's no way to live.

the other thing we have this chapter is porsche waking up in kinn's arms. word of god here: kinn's been waking up tangled in porsche for weeks and just quietly slipping out.

Vegas smiles as he slides into the booth opposite Kinn. “When I heard you were bringing a plus one, I didn’t know I would finally get to meet the infamous Porsche.” He holds a hand out across the table for Porsche to shake. “Your reputation precedes you. The way I hear it, you’ve got my cousin quite twisted out of shape.” [...] Porsche smiles. “I wouldn’t say twisted,” he says, as he takes Vegas’s hand. “Maybe a little bent.” Kinn chokes on his glass of whisky. He covers it with a cough. Vegas’s smile grows wide. “You’re funny,” he says, like it’s a compliment. “What’s someone like you doing with my grumpy cousin?” Porsche shrugs. “I like him,” he says simply.

pulling out the above conversation because porsche is very focused on vegas here, so we don't really get much in the way of kinn's reaction to this. i think this conversation really emphasises one of sheets!kinn's favourite things about sheets!porsche: porsche handles sticky conversations incredibly deftly, but not in a way that kinn would consider expected.

porsche doesn't smile and simper and use hidden barbs. he makes little jokes that skirt the lines of propriety (he makes a gay joke here, for example) but when he's asked a difficult question (what are you doing with kinn?) he doesn't overcomplicate it, he's plain, and apparently sincere: i like him. porsche is incredibly effective at controlling conversational flow, and presenting himself well -- it is no surprise that he immediately catches vegas's attention.

which leads us to

chapter three: post-diamond auction or lines have been crossed

this is a cop-out, but i talked about kinn's feelings this chapter here.

basically: kinn done knows he fucked up, and has to figure out how to make it right again with porsche.

chapter four: the new status quo

so porsche and kinn are very careful with each other this chapter, and we start to see them being more on the same page:

Or maybe Kinn, just like Porsche, is far too aware of how fragile the peace between them is, how tentative the new dimension to their relationship is, and is equally unwilling to be the one to make it crumble.

this, basically. porsche is 100% right here.

Fully dressed, Kinn looks back at him. He hesitates. Then he crosses the distance between them, and places a hand on Porsche’s cheek. Kinn kisses him sweetly. Slowly. Like he’s giving Porsche a chance to run. Porsche doesn’t take it. Kinn draws back, eyes searching Porsche’s face. Porsche doesn’t know what he sees. Kinn inhales and nods to himself. Smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. And then he leaves.

kinn this chapter is determined to let porsche set the pace and porsche is oblivious to this. every time kinn initiates affection, he checks porsche for some sort of reaction -- he wants to make sure he's not pushing porsche for more than he's willing to give. he's determined not to cross another one of porsche's boundaries.

porsche? porsche is just like "wow sure is weird how kinn keeps kissing me (love that) and then backing off, definitely don't know what that's about, oh well, i'll let him set the pace".

they're idiots, your honour.

also:

Kinn’s eyes on him are unreadable. Porsche pauses, hesitating. Before he can let go, or ask, Kinn leans in, and kisses him on the corner of his lips. The moment hangs between them. Kinn watches him, before he shakes his head. “I’m going to sleep.”

this is the next kiss kinn initiates with porsche. note how it's much more chaste than the first one. kinn is adjusting the intimacy to try and find where porsche is most comfortable with it.

this entire chapter is very much them figuring out where they stand now in their relationship. porsche is trying to figure out if he can live with his feelings for kinn, and kinn is trying to figure out if porsche feels the same for him that he does.

the last thing i want to say this chapter is that i have a petty dislike for the fake relationship trope where the two characters have to kiss to sell the charade and then are never sure if they're being kissed because they like each other or if it's just for the sake of the lie. i know it's a beloved part of the trope for some, but to me it always just felt a bit... eh, cheap? it gets dragged out way too long. like, if the driving force of the drama in a relationship is the characters simply refusing to talk to each other, i'm going to need a little bit of a better reason for them not to talk to each other than a fear of unreciprocated love. you'll notice that this part of the trope is fully absent in the fic. porsche and kinn don't kiss in front of others. to sell the relationship, they're in each other's space a lot, but those things are fully separate from the steps they take when they actually fall into a relationship together.

(i really wasn't lying when i said i didn't like fake dating aus all that much.)

anyway, onwards:

chapter five: porsche comes back after his home visit

so, last time on between the sheets: porsche goes home to visit chay and is promptly attacked by an armed death squad of nine men. chay gets traumatised. pete gets a concussion.

Kinn is waiting for them, when they pull up in front of the Compound. He’s fully dressed, albeit less put-together than he usually is. He’s surrounded by bodyguards.

don't think about kinn getting woken up by one of his bodyguards, don't think about him startling awake and pointing a gun at their face (an instinct that has mostly gone away after sharing a bed with porsche for so long), don't think about him dressing hurriedly, don't think about him coordinating the main family response, don't think about him waiting for porsche to arrive, full of anxious energy, knowing that porsche is fine, that he's uninjured, but being unable to trust it until he has porsche in front of him.

Porsche reaches to press the button for his rooms – but Kinn interrupts and selects the floor of his suite, instead. Porsche tries to communicate just how little he’s prepared to bend, tonight. “I’m not making my brother sleep on your couch.” Kinn gives him a strange look. “Of course not.” Porsche lets it lie.

this came up a couple of times in the comments section for this chapter, but i'm going to really spell it out here: porsche and kinn are mirrors of each other, in so many ways. and just as to porsche is was a no-brainer to engage with tankhun, get on tankhun's level, talk to him, respect him -- it's a no-brainer for kinn to take care of chay. of course chay gets the bed? duh? why are they even talking about it?

“Yeah,” Porsche says, sitting down. He hesitates, momentarily, before sliding closer to Kinn, resting his head on his shoulder. Kinn’s arm wraps around him without comment.

well, well, well, if it isn't porsche initiating affection with kinn, and kinn immediately and without comment matching that affection. and if it isn't porsche being utterly oblivious to this all the while.

but yeah, jokes aside, kinn has been waiting for porsche to set the level of intimacy he wants, waiting for him to initiate something. when he gets it, he doesn't hesitate to match it. kinn would give porsche literally anything he wanted from him. which is just as well, because --

He closes his eyes. “Tell me something true,” he says. He feels Kinn exhale. “What do you want to know?”

kinn just wrote porsche a blank check.

i've pulled this out a few times before, but i do want to draw your attention to the fact that this is an uncanny echo of something we find out about kinn’s relationship with tawan later:

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? At one point, Kinn had seen that question as the height of romance. Tawan asked it, naked in bed with him, the words slowly drawn out of his lips as he walked his fingers up the inside of Kinn’s thigh.

tawan played truth games with kinn. he pulled kinn’s truths out of him bit by bit -- and kinn gave them to him, because he desperately wanted a romantic partner who would listen to the awful truths of his life and accept them unflinchingly:

For the person Kinn had been at nineteen – conflicted, lonely, desperate to be looked at unflinchingly – it had been the ultimate act of seduction.

and to be clear, these echoes are not a mystery to kinn. he knows that tawan wasn’t asking him these things because he wanted to absolve kinn’s since -- he knows it was about information, and selling that information. but kinn doesn’t shut down porsche’s question. he doesn’t say no. he doesn’t even hint at this reflecting something of tawan.

what do you want to know?

Kinn’s hand threads through Porsche’s hair. “My secrets aren’t very pleasant, Porsche.” “Tell me anyway.”

kinn’s comment here is a check-in with porsche. it’s him saying, this isn’t going to be a fun story, porsche. he’s making sure porsche knows what he’s asking for.

Kinn’s fingers twist through the hair at the base of his skull. “The writing had been on the wall for a long time, by that point,” he says. “We all knew that Khun wasn’t going to take over from Dad. But up until that moment, there had been some—distant part of me, that still thought, still hoped, that one day, Khun would just—wake up, and be better. He’d be his old self again. But when I shot those two men, just so he wouldn’t have to – that was when I knew. He wasn’t getting better. He wasn’t coming back. And it was selfish of me to hope he would.”

when i was writing this fic, i was throwing a lot of ideas at the wall for theerapanyakul backstory, just to see what stuck. i knew that i wanted to have kinn talk about tankhun’s kidnapping at some point, but the shape of that conversation changed a lot as i wrote the fic.

originally, this story was in a slightly different form, and existed in chapter four, to explain tankhun’s actions in chapter three, when he makes porsche’s room more tactically secure. bear with me, because it’s not entirely written -- very much draft form:

Eventually, Kinn looks away from the bed. “Did I ever tell you about the last time Khun was kidnapped?” Porsche feels his entire body go still. Since coming to work for the Theerapanyakul family, Porsche has garnered a new appreciation for the horrible truths that lurk beneath the surface of each conversation. They aren’t secrets – it’s hard to hide that sort of earth-shattering tragedy in a household like this – but they’re treated like them all the same. Porsche knows the incident Kinn’s talking about. It was in Tankhun’s file, just a few short sentences that implied a lot with what they didn’t say. Porsche reaches for another pair of socks. “No,” he says, determined to keep moving, keep his voice casual. “I know a little, though. It was eight years ago, right?” “Khun was in university back then,” Kinn says. “He’s always been—eccentric, but it wasn’t so bad, back then. He left the house for classes, even if he mostly kept to himself. He was—shy. He only really spoke to his bodyguards.” Porsche knows how this part of the story ends. That’s what makes it so hard to hear. “One of the men on his detail sold him out,” Kinn says. “He had an exam on campus, and his bodyguard picked him up – and drove him straight into the hands of his kidnappers. When we got him back, he was—different. He wouldn’t sleep – he had to be sedated. It was—awful. He was like a wounded animal. Feral. He fought viciously, every time we put him under.” Kinn huffs. “Arm was very new at that point. I think he’d only been under contract maybe four weeks – Chan wasn’t even done training him. He wasn’t even on Tankhun’s detail formally – they put him on sedative duty to haze him. So, Arm walked into the room where I was trying to talk my brother down from murdering his nurse, and he just went, ‘Well, no wonder you can’t sleep. Look at this place.’”

but i ended up moving it into this chapter instead. the reason for this is that chapter four has kinn and porsche very careful with each other, neither one of them is really pushing things too far, careful not to upset the state of play. this level of vulnerability from kinn, volunteered without prompting, on a subject that concerns his brother at his weakest moment (i think kinn would have been more willing to share the story were it him who was portrayed at a less than amazing moment) -- i didn’t think it fit, at all.

ahem. sorry. the question was abt kinn pov. let’s get back to it.

Porsche kisses him. It’s—all he can think to do, in the face of all that. When he pulls back, Kinn’s face is crumpled. Vulnerable. Porsche traces the lines of his face, from his forehead, over his cheekbones, down to his chin.

this is everything that kinn-at-nineteen desperately wanted. he wanted someone to hear his awful secrets, to understand them for what they were, and love him anyway. no shit kinn is crumpled by this.

since tawan, kinn has built himself into a man who is almost beyond the things he wanted at nineteen. but he still wants them. he wants them so much. and porsche is giving them to him. it’s a lot.

Porsche rips Kinn’s hands off him. “That’s my brother,” he says, crossing the room to pull a pair of slacks out of one of the chests of drawers. If he chases Tankhun across the Compound half-dressed, Chan will hear about it and find time to lecture him on decorum, or some shit. “I know,” Kinn says calmly. “That’s my brother, too.”

pulling this bit out to again emphasise: porsche and kinn as mirrors of each other.

Porsche closes the drawer. “You really trust Tankhun with this?” Kinn shrugs. “I trusted him with you.”

this is one of my favourite lines in the chapter. kinn wins the argument with this one line.

one of the things that started in chapter four that continues this chapter is porsche and kinn actually communicating with each other. (this starts when porsche talks to kinn about his concerns re: pete on his detail.) even though he and kinn have an argument about chay -- they have an argument. porsche explains why he’s pissed with words, and kinn explains why he shouldn’t be.

i wanted to set up that kinn and porsche were actually talking to each other with this chapter to hint that something was going on with the next one: chapter six, aka kinn pov chapter.

chapter six: we check in with kinn

okay, this one’s kinn pov, but it’s kinn pov with a little hidden from the audience, so i’ll explain what went down a little.

“It’s not enough, Porsche.” “It’s my brother, Kinn. It was enough the moment they pointed a gun at his head.”

we get this snippet of conversation this chapter, and kinn’s internal commentary is meant to imply that this is the cornerstone of why he and porsche are fighting.

but here’s the thing: kinn and porsche are not fighting. they’re pretending to fight.

we eventually get another little bit from their argument:

“He speaks fluent English, Kinn. This is—it’s bullshit. You know that. Why else would he—” “So he lied to a cute boy to get an excuse to spend time together. There are thousands of things they can say to explain this, Porsche. “There was circumstantial evidence, not unlike this, linking the minor family to two of Khun’s kidnappings. It was—we knew it was them. They knew that we knew. But we couldn’t do anything. So much of my family’s business is traded on our reputation. We’re fair. We’re trustworthy. We don’t fuck people over on a whim. If we struck out against our own flesh and blood without solid proof—it would destroy our credibility. So it’s not enough, Porsche. I’m sorry, but it’s not.��

essentially, kinn won the argument. porsche acknowledged that kinn had a point, and that porsche was not going to be able to brutally murder vegas with no provocation. so porsche turned the question on kinn: what would be enough?

and then he sat with himself and asked himself, how can i get that?

at the point in time that chapter six is going on, porsche has determined that at the very least, one of the aims from all the attacks has to have been to drive a wedge between him and kinn. because when you pair all of the attacks on him with vegas’s snide comments that becomes pretty apparent. so, porsche’s position is why not let him think it’s worked?

hence why he and kinn are pretending to fight.

kinn goes out to a bar he doesn’t particularly want to go to, and he spills his woes to tay in front of his security detail. he wants this to become gossip. he wants this to get back to vegas.

and what do you know? the next thing that happens is tawan turns up.

chapter seven: porsche’s certain death mission

yeah kinn has like. the worst night of his life this chapter. it’s pretty spelled out in text, but let me state it plainly for y’all: kinn spends the entire evening waiting to hear that porsche is dead.

remember: none of the bodyguards they’ve sent into the minor family compound before have come back. none.

the other point of interest this chapter would be the flashback scene we get to what i consider to be the confession scene in the fic. (they say i love you in the last chapter of the fic, but to me, this is the moment when they put their cards on the table and admit their feelings. by the time they’re saying i love you in ch 8, both of them already know how they feel.)

i had a few comments from people who didn’t like what kinn said in this scene. and i know it comes across as a bit callous, “i’ll find someone to kill you” and all, but that’s not really how kinn intends it and it certainly isn’t how porsche reads it.

“If you’re taken, our first port of call will be to trade for you,” Kinn says. “We’ll dress it up differently, at the time – say we want to interrogate you personally, to figure out the real extent of the security breach – but both us and the minor family will know that’s a smokescreen to save face. I’ll do my best, Porsche, but I—can’t make any promises. “If that works, I’ll have maybe a week, that I can justify as interrogation.” Kinn’s eyes are focused on the window, like he can’t bear to look at Porsche’s face. “During that time, we’ll either have enough evidence to move against the minor family, in which case the matter of your capture becomes irrelevant – or I’ll find a way to get you and your brother out of the country. If you have to flee, I’ll say you died. That should—protect you, at least somewhat.”

kinn starts off with what he considers the best case scenario, if porsche is captured: the minor family fesses up to having him, and kinn gets an opportunity to trade for him. this isn’t necessarily all that unlikely as a series of events (the minor family would know damn well that porsche is a powerful prisoner to have because of his apparent closeness with kinn -- they’re publicly lovers, remember), but i want to emphasise to you all that this is a massive concession on kinn’s part.

remember guys, tawan is a massive stain on kinn’s reputation. kinn already compromised the safety of his family for his lover once. to do that again would be seen as repeating mistakes.

so just the act of being willing to trade for porsche -- that could cause unimagineable damage to kinn’s reputation. because the major family would have to disavow porsche’s actions, but kinn trading for him would imply that he was still willing to go out on a limb for his lover, even when he’s gone behind his back like this. this is not little. this is a big deal.

Porsche watches Kinn. “And if you can’t trade for me?” “Then I’ll try and find someone to kill you, quickly,” Kinn says. “It’s—too much, for a bribe, to get someone to help you escape. The minor family’s men know better than to take that sort of money. But—a jumpy guard, too quick on the trigger finger—it happens. Someone will take the money. You—I won’t leave you to suffer, Porsche. I promise that.”

kinn would have been content to leave it at that -- but porsche pushes. and kinn trusts him enough, loves him enough, to tell him the truth. it’s not pretty. it’s not the sweeping sort of romance you might expect. but it’s realistic, and it’s honest.

and i think that means a lot more.

this little bit, where kinn lays out what will happen if it all goes wrong -- this is kinn at his most transparent. there’s a line from chapter five i love a lot, because it’s kinn in a nutshell, and that applies here:

Kinn, with his gentleness and his cruelty – each one hiding the other.

from here on we get kinn pushing porsche back:

Porsche inhales. “Chay’s involved,” he says. It’s what he told Chan, back when he pitched his plan. “I can’t afford to play it safe, with him on the line.” Kinn looks at him. “Is it really just about him?”

what kinn’s really asking here is, “do you love me too?”

Porsche’s mouth feels bone dry. “No.” It scrapes out of him like it’s made of thorns. He can’t say more. That’s all he has. No. It’s not just about Chay.

and what porsche is saying here is, “yes, i love you too.”

kinn loves porsche enough to compromise his duty to his family for him. porsche loves kinn enough to compromise his duty to his brother.

and with that realisation, kinn realises abruptly that he cannot lose this. he has to do everything in his power to keep porsche safe.

and that means giving porsche his power, too.

“Porsche,” Kinn says, after a beat. “There’s something I want to give you, in exchange for a promise.” Porsche lowers his glass, and looks at him. Kinn’s holding something out to him in his open palm. When Porsche sees what it is, he feels something lodge in the back of his throat. “Kinn—” “Take this,” Kinn says, “and bring it back to me.” “Kinn.” “Porsche, please.”

the ring, babes. also: the only time kinn says please in the entire fic. he’s not a man that begs.

but he begs for porsche.

anyway, onto the finale:

chapter eight: they’re in love, your honour

Chan replied almost immediately with a patently unamused, Debrief on arrival. And then, a few minutes later, Kinn notified. Debrief pushed to tomorrow.

one of my favourite things to do is let readers fill in the gaps. so, here the gap is that whatever chan saw when he notified kinn that porsche was alive made him go, “you know what? i do not want to get in between this.” and that’s very valid of him.

also chan presses the button for kinn’s suite when he and porsche get into the elevator. because he knows.

Kinn inhales. “I didn’t want to drink alone,” he says, eventually. Porsche watches him closely for a few moments. It feels—heavy, being here, with Kinn, right now. He doesn’t know how to lift the mood – doesn’t know if he even really should. Porsche looks at the glass on the table. He looks back to Kinn. “Let me make you something else,” he says. Kinn stares at him. For a moment, Porsche thinks he’s going to say no. Then, he nods. Porsche feels some of the tension drain out of him. This is—he can do this.

okay, when i planned this chapter in my head, originally the sex was more “fuck yeah you’re alive” than what it ended up. but when i was writing the chapter, and i got to porsche coming back to kinn, i was like, “oh yeah, no, kinn’s just had the worst evening of his entire life.” and then i had to figure out how to get the mood back on track. because kinn’s relieved, but he’s also exhausted with worry, and i think there’s also a bit of resentment there -- because porsche did this to kinn. kinn didn’t ask it of him. this was porsche’s choice. hence:

Kinn pulls away. “I love you,” he says. “Don’t do this to me again.”

this line got workshopped a lot in the chapter, lmao. originally there was a bit of narration from porsche where he’s like “the confession is brutal, and utterly kinn. i love you, like a weapon. i love you, like a bargaining chip. i love you, like he knows what that means to porsche, and he’s tired of resisting the urge to wield it against him.” but i cut it because i figured that porsche actually knows and sympathises with what kinn’s gone through this evening. and he doesn’t want to do it to him again.

“I love you too,” Porsche says. “And—I’ll try.”

they tell each other the truth, even when it’s not what they want to say, or want to hear. that’s their love language. brutal honesty.

i’ve talked a little about their conversation before they have sex here so we’ll just slide on past that bit, even though it’s one of my favourite bits of the chapter.

oh, wow, closet scene my beloved. i forgot how much shit is in this scene. let’s start with the kim stuff:

“It was Kim, who discovered Tawan was selling family secrets,” Kinn says. “He came to me first, instead of Dad. That’s—it was a big deal. Dad was still the head of the family, back then. He should have been the first one told. But Kim came to me. And I—I yelled at him. “Tawan was my first serious relationship. I’d had flings before, but they were—quiet. I was hyperaware of the fact that Tawan was a man, and no-one in my immediate circle seemed to like him all that much, so I linked the two facts in my head. I felt like everyone was just waiting for us to break up, so I could go back to being plausibly straight. So when Kim came to me and told me that he’d been investigating my boyfriend, that he’d found all this evidence linking him to the Italians, I just—” Kinn inhales sharply. “I reacted badly. I was cruel. Needlessly so. And he’s never really forgiven me for it.”

i mentioned in another ask that the kinn/tawan relationship was probably emotionally abusive towards kinn, in sheets fic-verse, at least. it’s the chapter three ask that i linked earlier. here again in case you want to check it again.

okay so, to reiterate: tawan was incredibly good at isolating kinn from his support network. part of it was due to kinn’s own insecurities about openly dating a man, but a lot of it was tawan, and things tawan said. kinn still hasn’t fully dissected his relationship and identified just how toxic it was.

pretty much everyone in kinn’s immediate circle disliked tawan for one reason or another. tankhun had his own shit going on at the time, so he wasn’t really all that aware, but kim fucking hated tawan. he (rightfully) thought tawan was fake as shit, and suspected he was cheating on kinn. (he wasn’t. it was worse.) that was why kim started digging. tay didn’t really like tawan all that much, but got on with him for kinn’s sake.

and this dislike and tolerance of tawan was in turn used by tawan to isolate kinn further. (remember: tawan wouldn’t let kinn talk to his family about their fights, because tawan would be like, “they already hate me enough, you can’t keep talking badly about me to them,” blah blah blah.)

anyway, kinn still holds a lot of guilt for how everything with tawan went down. he isn’t really aware of all the ways tawan fucked with his head. he very much considers the situation as a time he should have known better.

and he feels especially guilty about snapping at kim, and to him (at least) ruining his relationship with his younger brother.

word of god here, that’s now how kim took it at all. kim didn’t take it personally at all. kim was like, “wow, this nasty ass bitch has really stuck his claws into my brother’s head.” he didn’t expect kinn to see the light -- so he went above kinn, to their father, who then laid down the law. (humiliating for kinn in the extreme, but it had to be done.)

so kim’s reading of the situation is that kinn is upset about everything and you know what? he has a reason to be. it was fucked. kim totally went behind his back and investigated his boyfriend, and then ambused him with it, and then humiliated him to their father. so. yikes, you know? he doesn’t really think he did anything wrong (because tawan was actually selling secrets) but he acknowledges that kinn’s probably hurt by it.

so kim’s giving kinn space. and then when kinn never crosses that space again, kim figures that that’s it, kinn’s never going to forgive him, which hurts a little, but kim doesn’t want anything to do with the mafia anyway, so it’s not like they have to interact anymore.

*slaps the theerapanyakul brothers on the back* these assholes can fit so much dysfunction into them!

anyway. ahem. the watch. oh man, the watch!!

okay, a minor thing in this scene but i love it a lot:

“What am I not getting?” Kinn asks, after a beat.

when kinn doesn’t figure out what’s going on with porsche, he just straight up asks. oh kinn, babe, you’ve come so far from “Your motives are a fucking mystery to me, right now, and I don’t have time to play your little mind games and figure them out.”

growth, guys. (also thematically leaving tawan in the dust. because with porsche, kinn knows that he can ask, and porsche will tell him. trust. i love them so much.)

Porsche doesn’t know how to put it into words. He tries, anyway. “If you wanted to,” he says, “you could cut me out of your life completely.” It sounds awful, put like that. Kinn’s face looks—hurt, as if Porsche is accusing him of something. “It’s not—I know that you won’t,” Porsche says. “But you could. I could be here, one day, and just—gone the next. And it would be easy, for you, to strip me out of your rooms, out of your life – and I wouldn’t even leave an imprint. But that watch was a birthday present from your father. You’re not going to get rid of it. And even though I’d be gone, you’d still have to wear it, have to see it in your drawers, and think about me. Even if it’s just a little, I want you to be—haunted by me, if I’m gone.”

would you guys believe that in the outline porsche just took the fucking watch? this was all off the cuff. it’s one of my favourite sentiments from the fic, all twisty and difficult, but very real for it.

i don’t think it bears saying but kinn’s hurt because he thinks porsche is accusing him of wanting to cut him out of his life. like porsche thinks that’s something kinn will actually do. (he doesn’t.)

“Okay, I’ll keep it,” Kinn says, as if Porsche’s dysfunctional needy shit is completely normal. “But I want you to wear it. I like seeing you in my things.”

i love this moment a lot. because porsche is well aware that what he’s saying is a little messed up, and not necessarily all that emotionally healthy, and he’s taken completely off-guard by how easily kinn accepts it.

but like, to look at this logically -- this a rational fear of porsche’s. the power differential is less pronounced now than it was when their relationship started, but it’s still there. and what porsche is asking (keep the watch) is a relatively small concession from kinn. what does it matter if kinn keeps the watch, in the long run? and kinn recognises both of these facts, weighs it up in his head, and is like, “sure, i’ll pay that price.”

because if kinn keeping the watch in name lets porsche feel more secure in their relationship, then why not?

kinn’s very pragmatic about these things.

okay onto brunch. there’s just one line i really want to pull out of this scene:

“My son,” he says. “Anakinn. You have made a very difficult choice. I hope you are prepared for it.” Mild as it may be, it sounds like condemnation to Porsche. But it doesn’t pull Kinn’s shoulders tighter – instead, he seems to—exhale, a little, following his father’s words.

why does kinn relax? because that’s what korn said to him when he told his father he was gay and he wasn’t going to hide it. this was originally spelled out in the chapter, but i couldn’t make it fit.

it’s acceptance. or as close as khun korn gets.

There’s movement beside him – Kinn and Tankhun kicking each other under the table.

i lied, here’s another line i want to pull out, because here tankhun is kicking kinn like, “your bodyguard kinn!!! you love him!!!!” and kinn takes it for like three kicks before kicking back. brothers.

*slaps theerapanyakul brothers on the back* these assholes can fit so much love into them.

Porsche still remembers Kinn’s markedly mild reaction, when he told him about the fight with Kim. Kim won’t thank me for fighting his battles, he said. If he’s holding a grudge, you’ll find out soon enough.

kinn really knows kim well. also, as i’ve said, porsche and kinn are mirrors -- and boy doesn’t kinn’s attitude towards kim (he can fight his own battles, and i trust him to do that) reflect porsche‘s attitude towards chay (he can manage his own relationships and i trust him to do that).

“Given that it was usually when I was too injured to go home to Chay, yeah,” Porsche says, rolling his eyes. “I didn’t fuck on Yok’s couch.” “But you fucked in her alleyway,” Kinn counters. “Jealous?” “Incredibly.”

porsche being jealous of kinn’s boytoys is out. kinn being jealous of porsche’s barroom hook-ups is in.

that’s prety much all i have for you guys. this was so fucking long. i’m sorry.

oh, wait. maybe this will be a nice way to sign this off. here’s a discarded snippet that was originally in the kinn pov chapter. this is kinn’s pov of porsche:

Porsche is—stubborn. He sees more than people give him credit for, but is mostly uninterested in engaging with any of what he notices. He’s excellent with people, in a way that Kinn could never hope to emulate if he tried – Porsche makes people feel at ease with him. They respect him without fearing him. He’s even-keeled, for the most part – he internalises his hurt, rather than turn it into a weapon with which to hurt other people. He's competitive, he’s principled, he’s—clever, in an unpredictable, understated kind of way.

in conclusion: he really loves him.

#fic: between the sheets #sheets dvd commentary #asked and answered #okay so #this ended up taking me so fucking long to type up #i don't even want to know how many words it is #i love kinn a lot #the fic is very much porsche's story but kinn really goes through some serious business character development too #man's unlearning all his toxic shit from tawan #anyway i'm exhausted #i'm going to bed #canon-typical content warnings

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