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camilieroart · 2 years

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Mikey and Raph

4,7k | Angst with happy ending | No physical harm, Relationships, Siblings, Harsh words, Colorcoded AU, TMNT, Hurt and Comfort, Talking things out

The ep begins during a mission, and Raph is leading. Because of their last mission where Leo felt like he messed up, and it became overwhelming, he gave the leadership to Raph like he often did when he didn’t feel up for it. The mission is to get intel from a Krang base. Raph sent Mikey and Donnie inside to investigate while Leo and him stood guard. Leo accidentally triggered the alarm and Mikey and Donnie barely made it out in one piece. Leo apologize for his mistake. But Mikey really saw the moment both he and his little brother were going to die, and the intense fear he felt there turns into anger. Instead of getting mad at Leo, he gets mad at Raph, for putting them in that situation in the first place. Donnie is trying to calm him down, but Mikey isn’t listening. He doesn't say anything until they're back at the lair, trying to hold his anger in. He walks in front, with quick and heavy steps, boiling inside. His brothers are talking casually behind him, but he can feel their stares on his neck and it only makes him more upset. Do they not understand how close they came to dying ? If the power hadn’t been miraculously cut out, they would have been both empaled. Raph and Leo weren’t there, fine. But what about Donnie ? He was there, he saw it all, he almost died way too many times and yet he took Raph’s side. Raph who put them in there, with no backup plan. Raph who didn’t even jump in when the alarm rang. Raph who was stupid enough to watch guard outside a Krang base. Where the krangs are. Inside. Mikey let out a wordless cry of frustration. The memory of his little brother’s near death, the fear on his face, the way he grasped his shoulder, as if to say goodbye. It was too fresh, too brutal. Just thinking about it made a lump in his throat. And behind him, Raph laughed. Mikey’s anger tripled.

Back at the lair, Raph asked him what his deal is. That was the last straw.

Furious, Mikey took off his gear and threw it on the couch before spinning around and stomping straight to his brother, seemingly going to grab him but changing at the last second to point an accusatory finger. "We could have died in there, Raphael. What the fuck were you thinking ?! Uh ? What kind of plan was that ?! You know both me and Donnie's skills are not as good as yours, and you just… just launch us in there !" Raph swats the finger away and calmly walks to his room, taking off his gear. "Yeah and ? Sounds like you need to train more often, not my problem." Mikey's anger seemed to turn into fury at these words, and Donnie and Leo exchanged a worried look, fully geared and ready to step in if necessary. Michelangelo grabs his brother's arm firmly and forces him to look in his eyes, spatting the words. "It'll be your problem once you have our dead corpses on your hands" "Mikey, you need to stop !" Leo promptly pushed him away, stepping in between his brothers. Donnie tried to put a calming hand on Mikey but he shakes it off. "I need to stop ? No Leo, you need to stop giving leadership to… to a reckless idiot." He let out a joyless laugh, gesturing to his brother. "Of course Raph wouldn’t think twice about putting us in danger, he never things anything through because he. Doesn’t. Care." The room fell quiet. They stood there, watching what the next move would be, and who would make it.

Mikey still has the flame of anger dancing in his eyes, covering the lingering fear he felt when they had suddenly been overwhelmed by bots, fearing for both his, and his younger brother's life. But all Raph sees is anger directed at him, for a reason he doesn’t get, and it's only making his own start to grow. What was Mikey talking about ? He watched their back, helped them escape and get out, dealing with Leo’s mistake pretty well. They barely had a scratch. What was his deal. He's the first to move, slowly going around Leo that weakly tries to stop him, and stopping with his face only inches from Mikey's. "You don't like how I do things ? Well. How about you take the lead then, Michelangelo ?" At the mention of his name, his teeth grits and his eye twitch. "I don't want to lead. I know my job, and I'm asking you to do the one Leo gave you, since clearly you can’t do your own." Exasperated, Raph pulled back, throwing his hands into his hair, tired of this stupid conversation that wasn't going anywhere. "Yeah, well my job isn't to lead ! I'm not Leo !" Raphael would never forget the look on his brother's face when he stepped back as well, looked at him from head to toes and said with his voice oozing of disgust : "Yeah. I saw that." Mikey stormed off, making sure to bump shoulders with his older brother to emphasize how angry he was with him, failing to see the look of sadness and hurt on his face.

If that night, Mikey had taken the time to look at his brother like he usually did, if he had seen the pain in his eyes that his words had caused him, he would have turned back. He would have apologized, maybe even made him a horrible cake. He would have been a good brother, trying to make up for his behavior. But he hadn't seen it. So all he did that night was slam the door of his room shut, as his brother felt his heart sink. The next day, Mikey woke up first, and Raph soon after, immediatly followed by the cold colored brothers, who "just happened to wake up at the same time". As soon as Raph entered the kitchen the tension filled the air, it was almost suffocating. Leo tried lamely to make some jokes to lighten the mood, while Donnie was looking at the bottom of his bowl, in an attempt to make himself as small as possible. Not one conversation was started, and at some point Leo's weak monologue disappeared and the only thing left was the awkward silence. If Mikey only had bitterness, Raph on his end was desesperatly trying to apologize for his mistake, whatever it was, but the words were stuck in his throat, blocked by the expression of his brother the night before, and the tone he took talking to him. The day was spent trying to act like everything was normal, but the tension didn't leave, making for a strange atmosphere in the household. Fortunately, Splinter didn't seem to notice, and if he did he didn't mention it once. Michelangelo had been busy all day in his workshop, refusing to come out even for lunch. Raphael had been wanting nothing more than the end of the conflict, but he didn't know how to end it, since he didn't understand what he did wrong. Was it his decision at the krang's base ? But they were fine in the end, he made sure of it. And if it was, why didn't Mikey just take his offer to lead ? It had to be something else but then how to apologize ? Should he even ? Was his brother just being petty and stupid ? He tried to talk about it with Leo but all he said was to talk to Mikey.

Not really the most helpful thing. Donnie wasn't much help either, basically recoilling inside his shell everytime he mentioned the conflict. He didn't want to mention it to his dad or friends, and that led him there. In front of Mikey's workshop's door, fidgetting and stimming, worriedly bouncing from a foot to another, wondering what to say that would make his brother happy again. Not that he wouldn't stand up for himself ! But... There had to be a reason. They could figure it out.

His hesitation was put to an end when the door flung open, a very annoyed Mikey behind it. "What do you want, Raph ?" "I- uh. I-I wanted to… we were… hum." Embarassed by his stuttering, he quickly cleared his throat. "I want to talk about yesterday. Can we ?" Mikey sighs, rolled his eyes and moved over, inviting Raph inside, and closing the door behind him. Unbeknownst to both of them, their cold colored brothers immediately ran up to the door and listened in to the entire conversation. It started calm, but it didn't last long. Mikey's words becoming more harsh and exasperated at Raph's lack of comprehension. How Raph is unable to lead and had been doing a horrible job everytime he took over. How both he and Donnie were in mortal danger and it’s like he didn’t even care, brushing it off like it was nothing. Raph tries to explain that he had everything under control, but he’s being cut off by Mikey, every time. How stupid of a move it was not to all go inside, where they would have been more safe. How Raph refuses to understand what it was like to see the wave of mousers raining down on them, the scream of their little brother, and his own desesperate attempt to keep them at bay. Raph tries to clarify why he did it, and that he always had eyes on them, but his brother doesn’t listen. How Raph often tells them off or is just rude. How he’s always mean and his retorts are the worst. How he never seem to try to get along with anyone, never being nice... And suddenly, he started saying things that had nothing to do with the day before. Michelangelo layed out all the little things that had started to annoy him with Raph : the stimming, the inability to read the room, his blunt, careless and brutal sentences, how much he had been teasing him, how he never socializes, never even tries... It was Donnie that noticed how quiet Raph had become. Leo only noticed how loud and violent Mikey's words were getting. They both jumped when Raph yelled back.

Unlike Mikey, he didn't get personal, he was just calling him selfish and self-centered, always distracted, idiotic... It's when Mikey yelled back even louder that they decided to barge in. The door swinged open but neither of the warm colored brothers seemed to notice, too busy yelling at eachothers. "Oh please, Mike, like you are a perfect little angel and not a selfish little shit !" "I’m selfish ?! I’ve been trying to talk to you and to be nice to you and all you do is push me… us away and be rude !" "That’s rich coming from you ! You’ve been trying to talk to me ?! Are you fucking kidding me ?" Leo tried to step in, not wanting his brothers to fight like that. "Guys, cut it out ! We-we can talk it out ! Let’s all calm down." It’s like he wasn’t even there. "YOU KEEP DOING THESE RIDICULOUS THINGS WITH YOUR HANDS AND ALL YOU CAN TALK ABOUT ARE VIDEO GAMES, VIDEO GAMES, VIDEO GAMES ! GROW UP RAPHAEL !"

"YOU NEVER EVEN LISTEN WHEN I TALK ANYWAY, SINCE ALL YOU CAN LISTEN TO IS YOUR SELF-CENTERED LITTLE PERSON, MICHELANGELO." Donnie didn't know what to do, frozen in place, fearing his older brothers were going to start beating each other up. "AT LEAST I TRY TO BE THERE FOR THE FAMILY. WHAT DO YOU DO ? UH ? EXCEPT RUN INTO YOUR ROOM EVERYTIME YOU’RE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE. SERIOUSLY, JUST SUCK. IT. UP."

"UGH ! WHEN WILL YOU STOP BEING SUCH A… SUCH AN ASSHOLE ! " Mikey pushed Raph to the ground, seeing red, barely even registering what he was saying. "YOU KNOW WHAT RAPH ?!" Brutally Raph's expression changed at his tone, but Mikey didn't see it. "YOU’RE SO ANNOYING AND RUDE AND HORRIBLE ALL THE TIME I WISH… I WISH YOU WEREN'T MY BROTHER !"

Artwork by @calista-222

Only Mikey's huffs where audible in the room. Mikey's shoulders rose and fell quickly as he panted, his anger slowly receeding and leaving his eyes. He was expecting more yells, more insults, but it was deafly quiet. It was only when he saw the pain and sadness in Raph's eyes that he registered what he had just said.

Anger was replaced by shock, and shock, by horror. His hands slowly rose up, his eyes widening. He felt like he had just been punched. Why did he say that. Why would he ever say that. He didn't even think it. ...did he ? Mikey couldn't get his eyes off his brother. Their eyes were locked, a pair filled with horror, and the other with distress. The spell was broken when Raph suddenly stood up and rushed out, quickly followed by Leo calling out for him. Mikey's eyes followed, and fell on Donnie. His brother opened his mouth, as if to say something, but closed it instead and shook his head. And as quickly as the other two, he left. Leaving Mikey all alone to deal with what he had done. With no stares holding him up, he sunk to the floor, and cried.

Splinter found him shortly after, shaken by sobs and hiccups, in the middle of unfinished paintings thrown all around the room, splashes of paint covering him and his clothes. The father sighed, worried. He heard the yells, not the words that were said, but it couldn't be pretty. His sons fought, yes, as all siblings did, but that was different. More raw, more violent. More destructive. He sat down next to his son, placing a comforting hand over his, not forcing him to talk but signaling he was there if he wanted to. It takes a while for the cries to die down, even if not completely gone, leaving Mikey's throat aching and his eyes burning. It took even longer for him to break the silence. "Dad I... I said horrible things to Raph, I just... I don't even know why I said it, I didn’t even mean it and I-I'm so scared. What if I just... I... We... We were..." The tears that had just disappeared built up in his chest again, and he didn't fight them, encouraged by the soothing hand making circles on his shell. "We used to be so close as kids... He... he was my big brother, always, always here for me and... and he had my back and I had his back I just... I just don't understand, Dad. When did it... What happened...?" The turtle took a deep breath, trying to make sense of what he was feeling. "I love him so much. He's my brother, and I love him so much. And I know he wouldn't have send us in there without a back up plan, he would never put us willingly in danger but I got so scared and I- When he came to see me today I was already ready to fight. I said these things... Like I ha- like I hated him but I don't ! I was just… Donnie was so… I was scared and mad and I regret it so much… I regret it and I’m sorry… I’m sorry..."

Mikey choked on more tears, mumbling these words like a mantra. He buried his head in his arms, seeking comfort. Splinter reached out further, pulling his son into a hug. It was the moment. Yoshi had been wondering when was the best time to bring it up. How badly Mikey had been treating his brother lately. The turtle didn't realize what he was doing, thinking it was for the best. All the times he pushed his brother to be in social events he didn't want to go to, when he judged his words too pessimistic and shut him down, how he always seemed annoyed when Raph talked about video games and stimmed... Yoshi wanted to talk to him about it, but there was never a good time. And it was a hard talk after all.

"Michelangelo, what would you say if someone used the wrong pronouns when referring to you ?"

His son finally looked up, confused. Splinter simply smiled, waiting for an answer.

"I… I’d correct them."

"Then what if that person keeps using the wrong ones because they think they’re righ and that’s how you should be referred as ?"

"Dad, what…" "Would you get mad ? Uncomfortable, maybe leave the room ?"

"I… I guess I would. Yeah. Probably, I don’t know."

"You wouldn’t want someone to try to change you into something you’re not, right ?"

"No, of course not."

Splinter slowly cupped his son’s face, gently rubbing out the tears still stuck on his face. "Then my son, why are you doing this to your brother ?"

Mikey’s breath got stuck in his throat.

"Relationship, Michelangelo, are about boundaries, respect and compromises. They’re the building blocks for a good and healthy relationship with anyone. But recently, you’ve been ignoring these with Raphael. Pushing his boundaries, never making compromises. He caves in, because he loves you and he’s trying to make you happy, but it’s damaging what you two have. Can you see that ?"

He couldn’t speak, so the turtle just nodded. His throat was so tight, and he had to blink back tears. He wanted to listen. He had to listen, for once in his life. He had to hear it, and understand it.

"Raphael doesn’t like to be social for too long, and that’s okay. He doesn’t talk a lot and that’s okay. Sometimes when he gets excited, he expresses it more physically than you and your siblings, that’s just how he is. He likes to tease, but would never intentionally hurt any of you. He’s not like you, you’re not like him, and that’s okay. I’m not asking you to change to please him, but I’m asking you not to change him to please you."

Mikey couldn't breath. His vision was blurry and his chest was aching. Is this really how he had been treating Raph ? Had he really been that unfair and uncaring ? That's never what he had wanted. He wanted... he wanted him to open up a bit more, to... to make more friends, to say maybe nicer things. He hadn't meant to... He didn't mean to... He had been so close minded. But that was ending today.

Raph ran out, past the door, away from the sewers, farther and farther, as far as he could get from his home, and from his family. Raph wanted to outrun himself, be the one his brother would like, would love, would want to be part of the family. But no matter how fast he went, it didn't seem to work. He had never been good at expressing his feelings. He wanted to see his distress, to game it out, but he was too far from his video games. So all that was left was punching. Hitting. Breaking. Smashing. Destroying. Stabbing. Some foots, some bots, sometimes even some poor roof antennas, he kept punching and running. He doesn't know how long it lasted, but suddenly it came to a halt. Raph stopped in his tracks, looking to the ocean melting with the sky, covered by the rain. There was nothing left to punch. Nowhere left to run. The anger disolved, revealing what it truly was : pain. An overwhelming amount of pain. It flooded his body, making him drop his weapons, then his mind, and suddenly it poured out his eyes, streams of hurt rolling down his cheeks.

He cried out under the rain, his legs giving out as he slid to the floor, sobbing into the night.

It took them a while to find him. After all, when he wanted to, their brother could be really fast. When they did, the sight broke their heart. Raph, that was always so strong, so sturdy, the unmoving pillar, sometimes seemingly emotionless but so full of love and care, their brother was hunched over under the rain, wailing. Donnie and Leo stepped forward, as drenched as their brother, in their desperate attempt to find him, worried sick he might have done something stupid. They sat down next to him, and without a word being exchanged, they hugged.

Donnie, Raph and Leo were sitting on top of a water tower, looking over the city under the rain. They had been lucky enough to find an abandonned umbrella on their way there. Not that Leo wouldn't rather be under the tower, but Raph and Donnie had decided not to move. It was Donnie's idea after all, right after Leo said they needed to 'look at the situation from a distance'. His little brother was really embarrassed at how flat his joke landed, but the attempt was there. And it didn't change much, since Raph decided he didn't want to move anymore. So here they were. Huddled up on top of a soaking wet tower, under a too small umbrella and the pouring rain that was beating on his neck and shell. Instead of starting to dry 5 meters below. Leo sighed, readjusting the grip on the umbrella. His other hand was swung over his brother's shoulder, holding him close, Donnie on the other side of him going a step further and hugging him tight. Raph was silent, not that it was unusual. But this time it was different. His lack of words were heavy, pained.

He squeezed the hand resting on his brother's shoulder, and in response, Raph leaned slightly toward him. "Do you want to talk about it ?"

Raph shook his head, but just as he did, he ran a shaky hand on his head and opened his mouth. On his right, Donnie let go slightly to allow him more room to move, still holding onto him, but ready to listen. "I don't know if you guys have noticed..." His voice was raspy, rough and unsteady. They both unconsciously leaned in a bit more. "It's been a while now, maybe a year or two. Probably a bit more, but there's this... this rift that's been growing bigger between me and Mikey. It was small at first, like... like how he would frown when I got agitated, just these kind of little things, you know ?" He shakily breathed in. "Then it got bigger, like being constantly annoyed by my presence and everything I say is like... the wrong thing ? I guess ? How he's been trying to make me more like him. Like... like when he tells me to stop muttering and smile a bit more. Or that I should stop saying negative things, or when I answer to Dad or you, and he says I'm being mean, but I don't think I am ? I just... I don't know." "So I've been trying to... change ? To fix myself ? I don't want Mikey to... I-I tried to get closer to him, like we used to be. Trying to start conversations, or reacting to what he says, or teasing. But it's never the right thing to say or do... I know he doesn't want to... I mean I know he's just trying to make me happy, but it's just so. Invasive and... and it makes me mad and I leave, and he gets mad and then I'm- I-I just... I'm trying." Donnie gently handed him an handkerchief and Raph took it with a small smile, blowing his nose and rubbing the tears off his face. He looked over to Leo, then Donnie again, and both his brothers smiled as warmly as they could.

"I love this family so much. I love Mikey, I love you guys, I love Dad, heck I even love April and Casey. I love you, Leo, even when you're being so obnoxious about your stupid cartoon, even when you absolutely want to be the oldest, when you're stealing the last pizza slice from me, I love you. I love you, Donnie, even when you're disappearing in your lab for days, even when you school me, when you're trying to abuse baby brother privilege, I love you. And I love Mikey, even when he's being a huge asshole to me. And I'm so scared, sometimes, because I feel like I love you all too much, and one day I'll realize that... that you don't. None of you d-do, and I'm going to lose it all and I'm going to be all alone be-because I couldn't be normal, not the way you want me to be and I-I don't... I just don't... I don't know what to do." Leo's throat was tight, and it was taking him everything he had not to start bawling right then and there. Raph never talked about his feelings. In fact he never talked much. Hearing him say how much he loved them, it was overwhelming, and seeing him so small and so vulnerable right after, he just wanted to hug him tight and give him all the pizza slices he took, and tell him how much he meant to him. If Leo was trying to hold back, Donnie definitely wasn't, crying and pressing his head in his brother's shoulder, hugging him tight as Raph hugged back, repeating how much he was loved, by everyone, and how much he mattered.

Once he was sure his voice wasn't going to betray how he felt, Leo spoke again. "Do you want to go back ?" "I- Yeah, just. I need a little time." The cold colored brothers looked at each other and nodded, shifting closer to Raph and looking at the rain fall in silence. They had time.

Splinter was watching some news feed from one eye, seeing if his 3 other sons caused havoc, keeping his other eye on the last one, who was endlessly pacing in their living room. Mikey was worried. And he was stressed. His brothers had been gone for a while, and he wasn't sure what he would say to Raph once he returned. Say it came from a good place ? Explain his point of view in hope he understands ? No he had to own up to his mistakes. It was his turn to understand. Both he and his heart jumped when the lair's door opened. He immediatly rushed over and distractingly greeted Leo and Donnie, looking for Raph. His older brother finally steps out of the sewers' shadow, but not enough. He stays just a few feets away, enough for the open door to light his body, but not his face. It's the moment. Mikey opens his mouth, ready to apologize, to ask for forgiveness. He opens his mouth and nothing comes out. He closes it, try again. Nothing. Mikey starts to panic. He can't not say anything. He has to apologize. He has to tell his brother how wrong he was. He has to tell him that he's perfect and that it was all Mikey's fault, everything. He has to. But he can't. After a few more attempts, the frustration and panic start to get to him, and he feels tears forming.

But he can't cry. He can't make him feel sorry for him. He has to be strong, he has to apologize properly. His brother deserves that. So, Mikey wiped the tears away quickly, opens his mouth, determined. And he cries.

The apologies are nothing more than mumbled mess, nothing clear coming out except "sorry" and "Raph" again and again. Mikey isn't reaching out, like he always does, instead he's coiling on himself, like he's scared to hurt his brother again. Raph finally take the final steps, fully entering his home and the light. He stops in front of his brother, places a gentle hand on his shoulder. When he feels his own eyes welling up, his gentle touch becomes a grasp and he pulls Mikey into a tight hug. Mikey sobs and shakily hugged back, burying his face in his brother's neck, his apologies not stopping for even a second. They feel more people adding into the hug but they don't move, and Donnie and Leo smile at each other, relieved and happy, ready to help their brothers take the next few steps.

Artwork by @calista-222

COLORCODED TMNT AU MASTERPOST

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