#especially when they grow to trust me!!

[rexscanonwife]

@dearly-beeloved NAWW BUT THE WAY I ACTUALLY GOT KINDA MISTY EYED WHEN I READ THIS...FAMBILY....😭😭💖💖💖💖

#jane journals #self insert talk #familial self ship #🔬starkissed scientist 🔬 #💙 sugar 💙 #💚 spice 💚 #🩷 everything nice 🩷 #YOU HAVE CHILD F/OS THEY CAME FREE WITH UR FUCKING PROFESSOR 😭😭😭 #like...I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I ADORE ALL OF THEM #to think i guess id kinda be their mom 🥺🥺🥺 #especially when they grow to trust me!! #like i was thinking about my s/i and her alien culture #theyre really long lived and probably dont spend a lot of time in family groups #they kinda just go off on their own. so when the girls ask about her family and she says she never really had one #THEY JUST HUG HER AND TELL HER THAT THEY /ARE/ HER FAMILY NOW 😭😭😭 #IM GONNA FUCKING CRY

[uncanny-tranny]

It's always tempting to debate bigots about their bigotry, but honestly the best thing you can do is often to directly help those affected by said bigotry.

Bigotry doesn't exist to be debated. People who are bigots do not care about debate - they care about humiliating their opponents. You cannot outsmart somebody who doesn't give a flying fuck about their position being incorrect. You will be playing a completely different game by trying to debate somebody out of their bigotry.

The best thing you can do is to show up for the marginalized. Check in on them, talk to them, and engage with them as people. Ask them if they would like help and then respect their answer to the best of your capabilities. Oftentimes, that will be sufficient enough and will go a long way.

#ally advice #the bigot will not rely on trusted peer-reviewed sources. they will rely on charisma and charm and humiliating and degrading the other team #because a bigot doesn't believe in 'you go low and we go high'. like... they're bigots because they choose to go low #so they will use dirty tactics in order to absolutely obliterate your point because you aren't going to be playing the same game #this is why i don't debate transphobes. i will engage in conversation but i do not debate bigots anymore #like do y'all remember in 2016 when the online alt-r*ght started to grow exponentially? that's the same sort of thing #many people argue that debating bigots has the chance of bringing them over to your side but... #...personally i don't really value that as a *sole* strategy or something we should focus our energy on #i absolutely will never debate a bigot because i know the stakes and i know that they'd play dirty (especially if it is in front of others) #inspired by a conversation with my dad where he surprised me with his outlook and views #(i'd assume that we would disagree heavily but no... he actually pretty much completely agreed) #(which isn't a huge achievement BUT we are pretty different people with very different views at times) #(i'm a carbon copy of him but if he came back Wrong)

[luvring]

every day i wish creators didn't have to ask for more than silent interaction on here

#💬nia.rambles #yeah its a writer ranting about this again get over it #i dont want to be like Please For The Love Of God Say Something To Your Writers/Artists! #i dont want to have to guilt and pressure people who may be nervous or not into saying something #but also i dont enjoy that i feel like i have to get used to this growing silence and lack of. anything #a silence which mind u has been growing Since i got on tumblr and somehow hasnt gotten better in any way #if u reply or reblog w comments pls know i read them and i love and appreciate u 🫂 #when i have time i will msg u and give u a little thank u hug Pleak wait 4 me < nervous and awkward. #2 my fellow creators. i love u i hope ur enjoying the process and happy with what u make and get messages every day from now on!! 🫂 #i will keep rbing and commenting and i hope u can trust my thoughts represent more people than just me bc they do! #even and Especially when it might not feel that way

[shochet]

I think one of the most horrific little girl experiences is when a guy would come up to you randomly and be like "my friend thinks you're cute" and be laughing and pointing at a group of boys that's also laughing and one of them is violently yelling "NO!" and gagging at you. I just think that really colors your entire view of the world forever actually especially when it happens to you constantly

#growing up a little girl the most violently awful shit in the world especially if you're a 'fat' little girl i had this shit happening to m #since like 4th grade #now when people do flirt with me i think im being delusional & shit like i don't trust compliments at all or any flirting i just think i'm #being made fun of or being insane and taking everything wrong

[rosicheeks]

Been thinking about you hon, missed seeing you around. Glad to have you pop up in my feed again ❤️

#thank you so much for the kind message #idk how much I’ll be on right now tbh #I’m struggling a lot #I know I say that all the time #but it’s been bad like really really fucking bad lately #today has been especially bad because of my period and my emotions and hormones or whatever being all whack #might just be my period talking and how whack my brain is right now #but I’ve been seriously thinking about admitting (committing? idk the right word) myself to some sort of hospital #I don’t know where to go or look at…. I just want to go into some hospital and be like ‘hi I’m extremely mentally ill and I need help asap’ #but I don’t think it works like that #I would talk to my parents about it but I already know what they’re going to say #99.99999% sure they’re going to say something like ‘well have you been praying?’ #trust me i WISH praying would magically heal me but it doesn’t #anyway I was hanging out with a friend today and we watched a show and I barely even remember what it was about #the entire time I was thinking about how to get myself into inpatient or some sort of help #also freaking out that I’m almost 26 and then I’ll be off my parents insurance and feel like it’ll be 10x harder to do anything like that #I just don’t want to live like this anymore #everyone else is growing up and doing things with their lives and I’m just the same old depressed girl with nothing to show for my life #I’ve been surviving which is good don’t get me wrong #but when I die I don’t want to be like ‘wow what a good life I really survived well’ 👍 #anyway thinking about texting my sister and asking her to help me but I don’t want to be a burden or anything #lol forgot I’m probably going to get criticized for bitching in the tags so I should shut up #anyway I’m very very very unhappy #and I’m going to go eat some cereal now ✌️ #ask #anon

[carewyncromwell]

“Is it rude to say I’d volunteer  For a day of fun just once a year? I’d fly the coop, if only I could... But I've got a really bad case of being good! I’d go find trouble if there was some to get in: Ask a friend to play if I had one to let in... Nana’s rocker sawing through the floor -- Every day just like the one before --  We lock ourselves behind that door... Is it wrong to wish for something more?

~“Good Girl Winnie Foster” from Tuck Everlasting (musical)

x~x~x~x

Carewyn’s gingham dress based on this design // original photo used for the background, edited with Lunapic! 💚

x~x~x~x

If asked about her childhood, Carewyn Cromwell would always say that even if her family was poor and she had to wear a lot of second-hand dresses when she was growing up, she, her mother Lane, and her brother Jacob still were nonetheless able to manage all right. What Carewyn often did not talk about was at just how young of an age she was forced to start looking after herself -- something that many people would look at with quite a bit more dismay than Carewyn herself did, looking back at her own circumstances. 

Now to be clear, Lane Cromwell was a very loving and caring mother -- but with the abandonment of her husband Evan and the abrupt lack of financial income that came with it, Lane had to take on the role of both breadwinner and caregiver simultaneously. While Carewyn was a toddler, that forced Lane to do menial laundry and seamstressing work from home, as well borrow some money from her good friend Judy Castine to help make ends meet until Carewyn could start public school. Once Carewyn did start school, however, Lane still couldn’t afford childcare -- and so, after doing a lot of research and preparation, Lane made the difficult decision to teach her nearly-five-year-old daughter how to walk home from her new primary school. Understandably worried for Carewyn’s safety walking anywhere by herself, Lane used both magical and Muggle means to ensure she would know Carewyn’s location at all times, on her way coming home from school. Lane made contact with several trustworthy adults along Carewyn’s route, like the elderly owner of the local ice cream parlor, Mrs. Sackett, and introduced Carewyn to each of them, so that they could help Carewyn get home in case of an emergency or even call Lane if they didn’t see Carewyn walk by at a specific time. Lane also taught Carewyn about the Knight Bus, which she could always call by sticking her left hand out over the street, just in case anyone tried to hurt or grab her. Judy even gifted Lane a small Magical-Child-Monitor watch from Diagon Alley in preparation of Carewyn’s first year at school, which could always tell Lane whether Carewyn was at “school” or “home,” whether she was “traveling,” or even whether she was “lost” or “in distress.” (The last feature Judy customized to make the watch chirp loudly, just in case Lane didn’t notice it immediately. Lane kind of had wished she hadn’t, given how loud it was, but appreciated the sentiment.)

Most children about to turn five would’ve been petrified at the thought of walking anywhere by themselves. Carewyn, fortunately, had always been a rather brave and independent child -- and considering that she knew her mother needed to keep her job in order to provide for all of them, the little girl took the responsibility onto her tiny shoulders like a champ, walking home with her head held high every day with no sense of fear or resentment. She and Jacob were all their Mum had now, after all, and with Jacob away at school, Carewyn knew she had to do her best to help take care of Lane, just like Lane did her and Jacob. Jacob always made her promise to take care of their mother and flat before leaving for Hogwarts every year...and Carewyn would never break a promise to her brother. 

So every day, from the age of 4 all the way to 11, Carewyn Cromwell walked home from school every single day by herself, straight home to her mother’s and her flat, where she’d lock the door and stay safe inside until her mum came home. And to Lane’s relief, in that entire time, the single mother never heard her Magical-Child-Monitor watch chirp once -- for truly, Carewyn had always been a rather risk-adverse child. Her brother Jacob used to break into the kitchen cabinets and try to drink bleach as a baby, but Carewyn? Lane herself would often compare her daughter to a “little angel,” never starting trouble or getting into anything she shouldn’t. And because Carewyn knew Lane was working so hard trying to do well for her and Jacob, the last thing Carewyn wanted to do was make things more difficult for her mother -- so she stoically followed the same routine every day without complaint, going to school just for her classes and then heading straight home, all the while trying hard to not to let any accidental magic slip out that could make anyone side-eye Carewyn or her family any more than they already did. 

This didn’t mean that Carewyn didn’t ever quietly lament the arrangement, of course. What child wouldn’t? It was hard having to see other kids getting picked up by their parents in their cars when it was wet or snowing outside. It was hard to have to walk straight home when there was an exciting football match going on in the field near the local secondary school. It was hard to sit cooped-up inside when Carewyn could hear all the neighborhood kids riding their bikes on a sunny Friday afternoon. 

But hey, Carewyn told herself gloomily -- she didn’t even have a bike to ride on next to them anyway. And really, she thought more stubbornly, they’d probably just think she was a freak like everyone else did, which meant they’d only say nasty things that would make her upset and make her cast magic by accident anyway. And then she’d scare everyone, and the Ministry would have to come in and fix things...and her mother would worry. Carewyn couldn’t worry Lane...

And so Carewyn stayed inside dutifully, day after lonely day, soldiering through with no complaint. Because really, all of that silence was worth it, the moment Jacob would come home for a holiday break. As soon as he was home, Carewyn wouldn’t be alone, and with someone else around at home, it was safer to go outside without her mother. She and Jacob could walk to the park or the library -- to Mrs. Sackett’s ice cream parlor, or maybe even take a trip to the beach. Even being inside some of the time wasn’t so hard, when Carewyn didn’t always have to be by herself. And then once Lane was home too, they could all eat dinner together, the way Carewyn wished they could every night -- laughing and talking and sharing and bonding the way they all loved doing. And once Carewyn started at Hogwarts herself...well, then she’d be able to go wherever she wanted, whenever she wanted -- be the great witch she wanted to be, instead of the “freak” ginger that the Muggles in her neighborhood would never understand. She’d be able to play out every single wild daydream Jacob and Lane had sparked to life inside of her through all their stories about the magical school -- cast spells, brew potions, visit all the shops of Hogsmeade village...play Quidditch, sing for the Frog Choir...maybe even tame a real-life dragon! 

Carewyn held fast to this thought and never let go of it. Once she could go to Hogwarts and chase her dreams, Jacob and her mother rooting for her all the while...all those silent, cooped-up, lonely days of the past would be worth it. 

#hphm #hogwarts mystery #my art #carewyn cromwell #lane cromwell #jacob cromwell #evan bach #I stumbled upon this song and just...oh my god it's literally about a girl named 'winnie' I can't XDDD #obviously lane isn't an overprotective parent -- on the contrary she loves giving her children the chance to do things themselves #but I think most people would agree that four and five-year-olds really shouldn't have to walk home alone from school #if lane could afford childcare or if there were any after-school activities she could arrange for carewyn so she didn't have to walk alone #trust me she would've done it #judy even wished she could pick up carewyn herself but she lives a good distance away #and she can't just floo or apparate carewyn home every day especially in an all-muggle neighborhood #speaking as someone who was a latch-key kid from the age of nine onward I know how scared my mum was when I had to walk alone #so yeah lane was honestly always worried about her baby #thank goodness for carewyn being a rather safe and sharp kid and for judy giving lane that watch to put her mind at ease #basically what I'm saying is that lane is a good mum but honestly that doesn't mean carewyn's childhood was perfect #nor that some of her experiences didn't damage her to a degree #I'm imagining all of the weasleys simultaneously feeling the 'ADOPT' urge as soon as they hear carey had no friends growing up #LMAO

[allofuswantgwinam]

I actually had the worst day I’ve had in awhile now but i survived it

#barely #im learning to lean on the people that care about me #i even cried on my mom tonight and i hate crying in front of people 😭😭 #and it’s always been hard for me in general to talk to my mom especially but I’m learning to trust her and grow from our past #all that cheese and mushy shiz yeah yeah #work was insane tn and i was not prepared at all #i almost had a meltdown too but i kept it together and that’s when I called my co worker and she saved my ass #and my other coworker was trying to help me too that was off and was literally gonna leave her house to help me 🥺🥺🥺 #it was just so bad fr #and my hours switching has been a twist for me too which happened to be a factor of today #but I made shit work but it still also was a mess at the same time lmao #it was a crazy ass day and I’m just glad it’s over now #a lot of good things happened today but the bad was bad #im just glad I didn’t hold in my feelings and was also not too prideful to ask for help #im drinkin my wine and hittin my pen bc fuck the cold I’ll just be a vape god for now #that was kinda cringe but I’m drunk so don’t take me seriously besides the parts of this that are my feelings 🤣 #also got a card from one of my coworkers and my boss with a Starbucks gift card 🫶🏼 I was so surprised #that mfer wrote ‘crazy lady’ on the envelope 🙃🙃🤣🤣 #funniest guy I know right there lmao #we have too much fun and he only works like once a week bc he’s like 40 or 50 something with a million different jobs bc he’s the crazy one #today was a roller coaster basically 🤣🤣 but i did the shit and somehow managed to keep shit together #im just ready for the holidays to be over so work can not be super busy anymore #but i am excited for the holidays it’s gonna be amazing i think 🫶🏼 not gonna be hung up on fake love this time and will be able to enjoy it #fully #for the first time in too long #last Christmas was so bad it makes me sick thinking about it #fuck that guy so much #just realizing this was amazing wow #so hype to have a clear and free mind this holiday without our ‘relationship’ looming over me #proud of me for multiple things rn 🥹

[lightningfilledsaber]

Ever hear a song that you KNOW is something someone you cut off is fucking playing to act all sad and mopey about you leaving? Follow up question: how do keep yourself from beating the shit out of someone without feeling like you're going to literally explode

#mud rambles #bad coping mechanism hours el oh el #just ruminating dw #I need to fucking sleep lmfao #anyway to indulge my paranoia a bit! #reminder to people I explicitly cut off and/or don't speak to for a reason that you're doing nothing but stroking your own bitchass ego by #'checking up on me' aka stalking my page #learn to not be such a self centered bitch and grow actual human decency <3 and sincerely fuck you #if I wanted your fucking concern i wouldn't have cut you off #it's kinda fucking late for it especially when i was literally fucking begging for it while we were still 'friends'! #you don't get to keep pretending you care! #and as much as you wanna delude yourself into thinking you actually do care trust me as someone who has actual delusions. you don't #you wouldn't have treated me the way you did if you actually had. especially when i literally. fucking begged you to work with me #stop making excuses. stop 'explaining.' i don't fucking care. it doesn't fucking matter #i've already gone over every possible fucking reason you would've done what you did. trying to 'offer an explanation' does nothing #except. again. stroke your own fucking ego #i've already recognized i'm at fault for letting myself be your fucking doormat and not standing up for myself sooner #however! lol! doesn't fucking mean i deserved what happened or that your 'reasons' matter #you assholes know i'm incredibly self aware. more self aware than y'all like to pretend i am #because to y'all i'm either a stinky dumb man who doesn't get it or just 'your boy' who apparently has just as much self reflection as y'al #which is to say. lol. absolutely fucking none #some advice. stop projecting and work on your motherfucking selves. i've been doing it since beffore i even met y'all #as much as y'all wanna ACT incompetent. you're not. grow the fuck up. you're both literally significantly older than me. #anyway that's enough for now I need to be normal. do something before i go to sleep so i don't just stay up thinking about this lol #because i'm at least actually putting effort into being a functional adult :-)

[dangaer]

shin is such a nice person and it upsets me so much that literally everyone minus his childhood friends doesn’t recognise that.

#❛ 𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 ⧽ — ooc. #ukyo too i think #ikki and kent im on the fence iirc i know ikki comments that shins a loner but still #theres that one scene in heart world where hes talking to ri.ka and she mentions smth along the lines of #his dad being a criminal / calling the police #and the fact that shin doesnt even blink an eye at such implications and just honestly says: i want to clear my name of this #actually devastates me #its canon shin picks up a lot of shifts for other members ( namely #mines and sawas ) #he looks out for toma in diamond world despite having feelings for the heroine herself #and hes so attuned to people that like he can /tell/ heroines got amnesia when ikki went the entire route not knowing until she told him ... #shin was def that kid when growing up that people would use as a dare to make friends / romances with and like #hes heard and been outcasted for so long that stuff doesnt really appear to affect him physically but #even mine ... his coworker. does that to him #and its only bc waka trusts in him that he gets to keep his job #if we had a hearts bad ending that didnt include toma ... yknow. shin wouldve moved away i think #heroine cares for toma more ... his name not entirely cleared or cleared with little trusting him still bc she keeps her distance #i think the stuff he hears only gets worse. especially when you consider #the year before the one hes currently in now shin would've been in highschool when heroine and toma were in university #which is possibly why hes so big on the whole im a grown up my own person kinda kick rn ... but thts a hc for another day #gotta get on with ... writing bc i do have muse im just a nightmare FYVGDVY #ANYWAY SORRY IVE LITERALLY JUST BECOME. AN AMNESIA BLOG ON HERE. we're trying our hardest #waiting for iffys to give me the special edition with the art book to preorder and then life will b complete #ive banned myself from playing / watching playthroughs of the game until it comes out bc i want that full fresh experience of all three #games ... >: ) #TBD.

[new-lorien-artist]

Very tempting to just drop the whole 13yearsoflorien project, quit art and writing for like a couple years, get into the daily grind of work, exercise, eat and sleep, then hop back on LL Tumblr only to depress myself because everything I ever knew is gone now

#it's the dead of night so technically i shouldn't be trusting my late night thoughts #dear god though if i must vent #i don't know if it was my own enthusiasm or the fandom having people to talk to that made it fun for me for a while #but i certainly lost my enthusiasm in general and have become terribly snippy in the last several months #I'm angry and tired and frustrated all the time and it bled into the way i interact with people #which is to say #i rarely talk and i force myself to be uplifting and happy and super encouraging #for others' sake or mine i cannot tell #i have so much anger because everything is so boring to me now #I've kept myself holed in this fandom and stopped growing in my media and literature intake #my growth as an artist and writer #and my social skills in general #i sacrificed a lot just to get that feeling of happiness and satisfaction back #and this 13yearsoflorien project was a one last shot to get things rolling #i know it's only been two months #but I'm exhausting myself to the bone and it hardly feels like the pay off will be worth jt #especially when I've stunted my growth so hard #and everything i make is coming out subpar when i know i could do better #ernest talks

[dementedspeedster]

where do you hold your love?

in your fingertips

your love is stored in your fingertips; it extends beyond you even when you don't mean for it to. you love through touch, a physical connection that lends you the ability to project beyond words all the things you can't say- the good things, the gentle tender ones that feel like too much to put your own name to. don't worry people understand what you mean; love looks like hands- soft despite the strength.

Stolen from: @volucerrubidus​

Tagging: You!!!

#dash games #//excuse me while i yell emotionally #//very accurate to my thad. #//Thad absolutely shows affection and love through minor and major touches. He never had much of that in his life so it's scary to him but #it also shows he wants to reach out. He's taking a chance when he does make casual touches #bumps your shoulder with his #brushes his hand against you #even friendly touches such as swinging his arm around someone #especially with the last one when he's able to do it so freely with someone else that really means he trusts you. He doesn't have a second #thought and just does it means he really trusts you. #Once his touches grow more bold/linger longer/just feel natural rather than hesitant then he really trusts and adore you.

[rose-coloredghoul]

Vent about men ig

#So sick to fucking death of having to be around men #I'm sick of constantly being sexualised especially since losing a bit of weight as well #Like I know this isn't new or groundbreaking for anyone but I hate feeling like I cannot trust any of my friends #Trans men are no exception to this BTW this is partially aimed at one of them #It's like I cannot be friends with any man without it turning out to just be because they're attracted to me #And growing up with a lot of guy friends but seeing as like the ugly one and being one of the lads and not someone that they wanted to fuck #And then being older and becoming more attractive #Not that I think I'm particularly attractive #But since I have lost weight I've had a lot more unwanted make attention #And it's kinda isolating in a way #Because you think you have friends but then it's like no actually they just wanted to get laid #Also if I hear “you look good youve lost weight sexy minx” #One more fucking time #Ive actually gained a lil weight over the past couple months but I've been wearing clothes that fit me to work #Also hate the implication that fat people aren't sexy #I'm fat and hot now and I was when I was bigger too

[cherrybeetle]

a heart so heavy its shape stays pressed into the central space of your soul . lol

#vent btw! #to delete probably #i don’t usually post shit like this but like? fuck it this blog is basically a diary. new year new me #let me throw this into the void #family is so complicated #and i know they don’t really like me #but. i love them. and sometimes i convince myself they love me too #And the only way I can see them is an..unfavourable experience to say the least #(-> has to endure great suffering to not. feel all alone in this world?? lmfao) #so. im not sure when ‘next time’ is. #especially when i go through the five stages of grief on the journey there #there’s a part of me that wants it to be soon #but again. it’s complicated #the grief is so thick it feels like drowning #just a girl trying to escape that feeling of overwhelming loneliness that stays with her everywhere she goes #um. that post about how loneliness grows around you like mould #loneliness doesn’t cut it suffocates . god in this world. at my core i truly believe that it is just me. and i have known this since i was #small. sometimes it weighs more than id like it to but what can you do? you bear the weight. you keep walking. i will go through life #carrying this on my shoulders and i know that there are people out there that i can trust. there are people out there who do understand me. #and there will be people out there who will love me. but it is a hard hard thing to accept that you were just unlucky enough to be #born alone. with your family halfway across the world. and the only way to see them is enduring the company of your. less favoured relative #and even then just knowing you are not and probably will never be. someone’s treasured #and NO I don’t mean just romantically #if you have a fucking family. a big family. people to come home to. be grateful. count your lucky lucky stars because my god. you are lucky #even if it doesn’t feel like it. even if they piss you off. they are still there. you can still talk to them . just. you are so lucky #(breakdown material bro i am telling you£ #okay im done

[selvepnea]

Feeling. Weird...

#Sel talks #How to know when you're striking the right balance? How much trust you should you give to other people to know what that balance should be? #Especially if you can't recognize it yourself? #At what point am I sacrificing too much of my happiness for my safety or comfort? #He can try as much as he wants but it will still hurt me in the end #How full of himself can he be to say he doesn't know why we're pushing him away; recognize that there's something queer going on #And he's still talking about girls having dicks #Did it hurt when I told her I was holding on to the relationship for her sake? Because she seems to think it's a good idea? #Does she recognize that saying she had it worse/ I could have it worse doesn't help? #Why is she trying so hard to keep us as a family? I never asked that of her. She knows why we're distancing from our dad. Why? #Because she had it worse but is still in contact with her own dad? Why does she think that translates at all? #I have moral dilemma of taking money from my dad when 1) I don't like him and would rather not return the favor 2) our previous spat made i #Seem like he thought I was staying for the money 3) he keeps offering to pay for things #I want to say I can't recognize anything around me; but I know a part of that is sleapee and the other is not having the energy to go out #And be around people #But it's all too much; knowing people would rather me dead than to live happily; feeling like I'm powerless to stop the suffering of others #And I know a part of that is not being able to find people like me; lacking a community or otherwise friend group #Just. Feeling lost in my day to day. Not being able to really connect with anyone. And the one person I pay to drag that stuff out of me ma #not be the person I need #Feeling. Alone; disconnected; powerless; adrift; complacent; unable to grow; ect #Maybe I should get out tomorrow

[blue-eyed-giant]

dude that said "we picked giant because, despite her obvious language barrier, she gave a real good performance." about my auditions. you have my heart and would you like that dick sucked king

#this was the best thing anybody had ever said about my acting #but like? did i really act so well that they overlooked my terribly made up sentences and bad pronounciation of words? #i am yet to get used to this group which is especially hard when i dont understand half the things they say #but they are growing so much on me #the only problem is the mentioned guy is very touchy and i dont like being touched by men i dont know and trust esp if they are much older #so i fear i might give a response that isnt acceptable bc i know normally theater ppl (and italians) being so touchy is normal

[shoresalt]

long post about school

i cant help but take academic advice and suggestions and marks so personally as if they reflect who i am morally and my personality. even the simplest mistake of formatting a citation incorrectly ((when citations weren't even necessary i just wanted to provide a source... ) makes me think i am unfixable. and then i see 80s on my report cards and freak out inside. but if anyone else told me they got that mark i would be happy for them. i dont view even lower marks as a representation of my friends? so why do i assume others are having those thoughts about me? is it because i dont know my teachers very personally? and they're more prone to making assumptions about me? (are they even, really??) i feel offended when i see that i'm not at the top of my class. because it makes me look lazy compared to past grades, even if my teachers and classmates didn't even know me then. i'm afraid they'll see me failing and be mad or rude or think i'm no good. grades never affect the way i perceive others. why isnt it the same when i flip it to myself???

i need to find a way to understand that that advice will result in me learning! it does! i have demonstrated this! i can learn from my mistakes!!! i already understand it, logically, but it still pains me anyways. maybe its the permanence of grades. the way they dont change even when i learn something correctly or fix a mistake.

#diary #i think the whole gifted thing makes me very stuck-up and when i do something wrong or fail even a little bit it is like a shot to my ego #i relied in my childhood so much on feeling better than others because i was smarter. i wasnt ever by much but that's still what happened #its sooo fucking humbling then growing up and just being normal. why didnt my special qualities follow me as i grew up??? its not fair but #i think i need it. it's necessary for me to actually learn right? #now i have a reason to teach myself proper ways to study and improve and i have to put in effort like everyone else. like i absolutely #deserve to be humbled in such a way. i dont know if its because being so stuck up made me rude or mean or bad or maybe its just the fault o #the education system for making me feel better than others when i wasnt rlly. its probably both equally. its my fault for believing and #trusting that i was gifted all the way into highschool when the label clearly didnt fit me anymore #like it shoukd have been obvious when i didnt get any special treatment and wasnt bumped up a grade or anything like that #anyways anyways #im looking at it now like this is things being worse before they get better. i just need to adjust. im comfortable with that fact. i'll be #more comfortable with it eventually. especially once i'm proud of my learning again. (maybe that restarts a bad cycle. i'll be careful.) #writing out stuff is so much more useful than i realised hahaha