#fear of oneself

[bebzbrainw0rmz]

I still steal that soul stone everytime, idc, give it to me. Dumbass ghost.

#a bit of silliness to distract oneself from the horrors #fear and hunger #my art #fear and hunger termina #funger #fear & hunger #levi #marina #marilevi #marina domek #levi fear and hunger #fear and hunger levi #fear & hunger termina #poe #video

[vickyvicarious]

seeing ppl go "lol jonathan why are you admitting you found them hot what will mina think of you when she reads it!!!" has me go "*shakes you* you are going against the thesis of the book!!!"

I know some of why is dependent on knowledge of future events, and so people new to Dracula Daily won't be aware of it. But to be honest, Jonathan admitting his attraction to the vampire ladies is so, so important to me. On several different character levels, even outside of the entire book proving over and over again that sharing knowledge is absolutely vital (and is also an expression of deep love/trust/support).

Let's just stick the quote in here for reference:

There was something about them that made me uneasy, some longing and at the same time some deadly fear. I felt in my heart a wicked, burning desire that they would kiss me with those red lips. It is not good to note this down, lest some day it should meet Mina's eyes and cause her pain; but it is the truth.

Firstly - he needs to keep an accurate record. This is his only place to speak freely, his only opportunity to be precise about what he is going through. It is vitally important for him to keep his sanity intact that he be clear and try to remain logical in this diary. We see him fact-checking again and again. We can extrapolate from other statements that he doesn't always mention everything he suspects unless he feels it relevant or possible to prove. For example, repeatedly noting Dracula himself doing things before ever getting around to voicing the theory that the Count has no servants (he collected evidence first, didn't speak his suspicions until they were proven). Or putting the crucifix above his bed and taking the opportunity to sleep elsewhere, thus pointing to feeling unsafe and possibly experiencing bad dreams in his own room (he mentioned what he does about it, but not the feeling on its own or whatever nightmares he may be having). Jonathan works very hard to keep his diary focused on a few things above all: what the Count/ladies are, what everyone does, what Jonathan observes or learns, his actionable plans. He of course expresses his fears and emotions at times in his diary, more than he can out loud, but never going all the way down the rabbithole of fear, hopelessness, etc. He tries to calm himself by sticking to facts (all the harder when something strange is happening), which is in itself a soothing process for him so that's helpful too. His goal is to make this diary useful to himself and to others, if he ever gets the chance to share it. There is a goal here.

And what that means, is that the things Jonathan writes in great detail are things that feel relevant to him. The entire encounter with the vampire ladies was extremely important. It revealed a ton of new information to him, as well as being a truly horrifying and traumatic thing to go through. Jonathan's feelings are as relevant as his observations/actions here, because both are directly affected by the presence of the vampire women. Jonathan can't move. He feels dreamy. He feels attracted to them. He cannot resist and in the moment a large part of him didn't even want to. These are all effects they are causing, at least to some extent. I know mileage can vary a lot on how much of Jonathan's attraction is just coming from him, but honestly, I can't agree with any version that doesn't have a natural attraction at the very least being exacerbated by supernatural vampire abilities somehow. If not caused or called forth by them in the first place. The way he narrates, with so much obvious fear and revulsion mixed in with the desire, makes that clear to me. He sounds like he doesn't fully understand his own feelings at the time, at least where they all came from or why they were so strong. It goes along with all the other symptoms he is experiencing, and the other abilities they demonstrate. And so, to keep his record accurate - it has to go in. He cannot leave it out. It might become very relevant later.

Secondly - Jonathan is honest with Mina, specifically. I love this about their relationship. I don't think it's so much 'I noticed they were attractive' that he fears might hurt her, because Mina isn't particularly shy herself about noticing both women and men as good-looking, and even admiring their looks while on a date with Jonathan (poor Pretty Girl in Piccadilly). He also called local women pretty in his first entry as well (though he did say "except when you got near them" so it felt a bit backhanded to me), so again it's not the noticing that's an issue either way. It's more that he felt actual desire to act on an attraction, or rather for them to act. This is unusual, this is a separate matter from noticing people are hot, this is something that comes much closer to cheating or at least wanting to, and he feels very guilty about it. There's no real sense that he is worried Mina will be angry at him, and there's no sense that he will ever outside of that one moment ever want to act on any attraction he feels for someone other than Mina (or someone Mina also approves of, varying depending on your polycula headcanons). I personally do kind of tend to view Jonathan as some form of demisexual so how much he even tends to feel attraction to other people is often a little wibbly to me, but that's kind of irrelevant for the point of this. We can also set aside the shared language of "kiss" between Jonathan and the vampire ladies, and how this may point to a desire to become available for being drunk from, rather than necessarily sexual desire specifically, even if that's the type of language used. With regards to Mina: he's not worried about being caught, because he is choosing not to hide. He feels bad talking about the attraction because it might hurt her feelings, but he'll admit to it regardless because it's more important to him to be honest with her. Jonathan hates hiding things from Mina. This actually becomes plot-relevant later on. Even when she herself expressly forbids him from telling her stuff, he feels anguished about it and is certain to ensure that records are kept which she can read later. He trusts her completely. Embarrassment, shame, bad behavior, or whatever else - he will still share that with her. The only times he doesn't confide in Mina are when he's trying to repress everything because he thinks he was crazy (and possibly may even have some PTSD-related memory loss as well), or when he and the other men are trying to make sure she isn't exposed to danger (which is wrong in several ways but this post isn't about that so I won't get into it), and of course when she tells him not to. Every single time he feels upset about it. So yeah, he's going to regret that she may feel hurt, but deliberately hiding things from her would be worse.

Thirdly - Jonathan admitting his attraction here is a huge comfort to Mina later on. I truly believe this. I've talked about it before actually, but let me try to rephrase a bit to keep it on the same post. By being open about his own attraction and experience with nearly being drunk from, he provides precedent for Mina's October 3rd trauma. It makes it easier (though obviously still not easy) for her to admit to the same kind of desire:

"I was bewildered, and, strangely enough, I did not want to hinder him. I suppose it is a part of the horrible curse that such is, when his touch is on his victim."

Mina never blamed Jonathan for expressing such thoughts. She wasn't concerned about the issue being another woman when she came to him in the hospital, and when she read his diary she never mentioned any hesitations or misgivings about this scene at all. But even if she had secretly felt upset before (I personally don't see her thinking that way at all, but for the sake of argument), I think that experiencing something similar would make her grateful for Jonathan's candor. In a moment when she's already feeling deeply unclean and complicit, Jonathan's earlier honesty here relieves her from a little bit of the guilt she is feeling. It lets her recognize her own lack of desire to stop Dracula as something he did to her, just like Jonathan experienced with the vampire ladies when he couldn't/didn't want to move away. It's possible even that Mina felt more explicit desire for Dracula's 'red lips to kiss her' but didn't feel comfortable saying quite that much - even if so, again Jonathan's account would be a comfort.

And having that account written down long ago means she has already internalized this. If Jonathan had kept it hidden only to try and ease her mind later, well... first off, Mina too might have kept her reaction hidden out of guilt. And even if she didn't or he told her then, a confession at that time wouldn't mean nearly as much or carry the same kind of weight, I don't think. It would feel like he's making excuses for her, like he didn't trust her enough to tell her earlier, just... bad stuff mixed in, which are all avoided by having Jonathan be truthful from the start.

#dracula daily spoilers #dracula daily #jonathan harker #mina murray #jonmina #anonymous #replies #my meta #sorry anon i feel like you were wanting to talk more about the 'sharing is caring' thesis so to speak #but this is where my thoughts went for now #obviously also though the book demonstrates again and again that concealing the truth (whether well-meant or not) is NOT HELPFUL #that trust is demonstrated via laying oneself emotionally bare and GIVING INFORMATION even when it isn't in your favor #that dracula specifically thrives on confusion and hidden fear and a lack of communication and that the key to his defeat #is to work together. to show love through being open about everything that is happening to you no matter how shameful or scary #to support one another. and to admit when you need support. #sorry i probably shoulda added a readmore. didn't think about it till later

[shepherds-of-haven]

as an enchanter main i’m a little insulted the villains keep being enchanters thurl was one thing but sibella?? that’s crossing the line (lighthearted)

But think of the parallelism! Your MC can be the light to their darkness!

#it's because MC has presumably proved their physical strength and battle prowess with the Faceless Lords #so the next frontier is questions of free will - mind control - truth and deception - autonomy and treachery - #fears of being used against oneself and against loved ones #when you become the strongest player your biggest threat is yourself!! #etc etc #😁 #Shepherds of Haven #spoilers #heavy #chapter 9 #alpha build #alpha preview

[thebirdandhersong]

you guys God is so good and life is so surprising…… the barista gave me a free chunk of lemon loaf (I LOVE lemon loaf) today did I mention for FREE…. I saw an awkward looking young boy walking to his car from the florist with a little bouquet of pink flowers in hand for his girl……. there's this professor from Nanaimo who translates Ancient Greek stuff for free and I found his translation of The Iliad online….. the latest articles on Ekstasis are SO good and they made my heart so full after two hours of drudgery (class)..... I read this poem called Let God Become the Quiet in All Things and it twisted my heart a bit..... had Rocky Road ice cream with an unsettling amount of caramel and chocolate syrup last night before bed....... and in two hours and a bit, I shall be at my friend's house singing hymns with her and her other friend at our first English-lit-girls-choral-enthusiasts meeting......... everything is going to be fine, I think :)

#i was talking to my mother and crying about the future and present last night because it felt like the world was ending #but the world is not ending and all SHALL be well! #i have been quite unsettled of late because im STILL catching up on class readings and classwork #and because of in-class pressures and fear of the future #which has been accumulating (the worries and work i mean) to the point where i simply burst into tears when walking down #the hall one day i ran into the sweet one. i literally saw his face and five minutes later started crying because it all felt like so much #but all SHALL be well i am not careening towards an explosion #sometimes life feels like lizzy mcalpine's five seconds flat but one must remind oneself that life #is not in fact lizzy mcalpine's five seconds flat

[fellhellion]

one last blast of mig insanity tonight ❤️

#me white knuckling the sink: hey guys I have lots of normal and sane thoughts about Miguel and his relationship w fear and knowing oneself #anyways fuck. that whiteout colour when Sims has been shot is so fucking good. u can see Miguel Knows what he’s been truly party to #why did u contrast Xina/Miguel with lesbians? because they’re also lesbians next question #tunes talks 2099 #sm2099 #Miguel O’Hara #migedits

[rdlain]

The time has come where I may need to leave the state and move either across or out of the country

#in the misc plotting stages rn but my family (most specifically) and the people of the south* are fucking insane #they think suffering is a virtue and to do better for oneself (espesh as a woman god forbid) is equal to murder in the eyes of DA LAWD #*a cope as truly it's all americans who are insane soulless stupid-AND-PROUD-OF-IT #crabs in a bucket #I've saved up the money necessary but it's been my own fear of change and compliance to the status quo holding me back. sad!

[soldier-poet-king]

Reminders to self bc if I don't I'll be ruminating in misplaced guilt all afternoon

I am allowed to be annoyed over ultimately inconsequential things! Just because everything TO ME is intimately connected to the very fabric of the universe and the human soul because I'm Ill TM doesn't mean it is for everyone! And related, I am allowed to have opinions! I can make opinions in a joke post format and nothing bad is going to happen! I'm not being mean or cruel or sinning! I am simply! Having an opinion! Disagreement isn't inherently evil!!!

#franposting #anyway can u tell i grew up not allowed to have opinions #for fear of setting off the very tenuously kept atmosphere of the house #and anytime anyone was upset it was my fault and now im conflict avoidant #IM WORKING ON IT #it may seem silly. but i gotta write this lil reminder to myself #having it out in (internet) public makes it feel real to my brain #and therefore i can set it aside. turn of my phone for now. and continue with my day #the world isnt ending because i dared to have an opinion. nor is it ending bc i got annoyed easily even if i didnt do anything mean #no one is going to die because of my thoughts. thought crime about poetry isnt real. me @ me #ironically. this was abt misrepresenting themes of love and misplaced guilt and shame and loving oneself #and it then caused me to experience misplaced guilt! i am queen of guilt! #perhaps the ocd is why it means The Most To Me #but i am setting it aside to love and smile and also do my job #and i will sing on the drive home. and all will be well and all will be reconciled at the end of all things #oh. oh isnt that the loveliest comfort ive ever said

[daz4i]

it's unfortunate that my reflex is to run away or stay in place. and while i don't really believe in spiritual card readings of various types i just got two separate readings telling me to go for the unexpected. combined with ppl in my life telling me to try regardless. but i am so scared 😭

#this is. abt the musical thing i mentioned a few days ago #i kinda wish i had someone to hold my hand through the process but everyone around me is too busy 😔 #and there are so many things i need to get done in only 5 days now 😭😭😭 i feel like my fear is more than justified #(i mean even without the time limit i think it is. it's a huge thing. and a p much guaranteed failure which i never handle well. so.) #i dunno. i dunno. i shouldn't even be thinking abt this at 5 am but it's hard to distract oneself in those hours yknow? #i do think. that if i had someone rooting for me and helping me through it. it'll be easier #maybe my friends will be available on friday and they could help me 😔 maybe

[theparadoxart]

Ultimately, which is more human: The desire to experience or the desire to survive?

Tom Scott

#its really deep if u think about it #like would u still wanna experience every little thing this world has to offer if that puts ur life at risk #or would u hide away in a bunker and bet everything on ur survival? #cuz u cant experience ur life to the fullest if u fear about everything #but still ur fears are true to some extent #for eg if tomorrow u had to go for sky diving to live ur life #essentially putting ur life at risk coz no matter the odds #u might just die in ur process of living #and if u just be scared of everything you'll never grow or experience the wonders #what is better to be full of zeal but foolish enough to walk towards ur own death or a plain coward but smart enough to protect oneself? #my thoughts #quotes #mine

[nothingunrealistic]

It gives you an opportunity to kind of understand the motivations behind why he’s there in the first place. And a lot of people, like, especially a character like this, it’s easy to get lost in getting a laugh or two […] it’s easy to look at Jared as somebody who can be like, “Here’s a fun joke,” and then leaves. But there’s a reason why he’s important to Evan’s arc, there’s a reason why he’s important to the arc of the continuation of the show. It’s a character and a person who deals with and suffers from what everybody in the show does. Everybody, in a way, is a representation of mental health issues and how people might deal with those in different ways. And what a lot of people do, and what’s very common, is they will kind of deny their own feelings and own selves, and they will propel negativity onto others as to make themselves feel more important. And it’s especially, it’s very clear that that’s Jared’s relationship to Evan in particular. It’s, he pushes him down so he can feel like he’s a little bit more on top of things.

I think that’s kind of essential with, with every character that you play. I think it’s impossible to really feel, like, natural in playing a character unless you find parts of yourself in them. And yeah, I think a fear of really acknowledging oneself and the fear of acknowledging the truth about yourself that you may not necessarily want to, I think we share that in a weird way. And I think, I think this production, seeing it was a great way for it to be articulated to me for the first time about things that I was feeling without being able to really explain them to people. It’s wonderful that I get to do that in this show, and doing it has really allowed me to go in depth about those feelings and really understand them in a pretty profound way.

I know the story I want to tell, I know how I want this — I know how I want my Jared to be. And hopefully some people resonate with it, hopefully some people enjoy it, I hope. And I’m sure that there are going to be people who don’t necessarily like this character. But I think that’s, in a way, kind of the point, in a weird way. It’s funny to have a character that you’re laughing at so much that is quite clearly and presently, like, not making good decisions, and is particularly aware of that.

#dear evan hansen #jared kleinman #gaten matarazzo #denying their own feelings and their own selves… fear of acknowledging the truth about oneself…

[jackdawsfavorite]

What doesn't kill you makes you sad strange defensive and difficult to connect with

#It's my annual visit to stay with my parents which means #Two weeks of being as normal as possible around people all day while my journal entries get increasingly unhinged #Because openness fosters interpersonal closeness but I don't know how to be Open around them in a way that doesn't massively hurt for evry1 #Like. How am I? I'm in near constant emotional pain because coming back here sucks. Because my memories of here since #like eleven are of suffering and fear and inability to escape. So I'm scared and hurting. But! #I will keep coming back here anyway. Because one day I won't have my parents anymore. And I don't want to regret time not spent with them. #It's a bit perverse isn't it. Being motivated by fleeing fear instead of pursuing love. But that's where I'm at. #And what are my parents meant to do with that? They can't fix it. Or me. They can't apologize in a way that would mean anything to me. #They can only suffer in guilt and helplessness. And then I'll imagine their suffering and hurt more for it. #And that's it! Fin! The only endpoint I can see. I've tried putting it on their shoulders before. It only hurts. #So I will try very hard to behave like I'm calm and okay. And in two weeks or when I snap -whichever comes first- I'll go back home #And return to the peace of social isolation and cleaning my house and admiring wildlife. #It's not healthy to keep oneself so alone. But I am not healthy. I'm sad and strange and defensive and difficult to connect with. #And nobody but me can help me and I don't know how to be different. #Christ. I need to go back to therapy. I need a hint. #Memories

[inspiwriter]

I’m not afraid of being lost. We all wander off from time to time. It’s the fear of never quite finding myself that keeps me up at night.

~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

#sylvia plath #the bell jar #literature #modern literature #being lost #thoughts on being lost #the fear of losing oneself

[enviousinfluences]

I really want to be considerate and kind and present and conscious but I don't end up coming across that way. I feel a lot of pain right now. I feel very sad.

#I always fear that when you strip me down there's nothing there #getting a good hard look at oneself.

[beggingwolf]

hate the feeling of uncertainty and confusion and mild fear about not knowing how to write the story you want to write and just needing to throw spaghetti at the wall until things stick and can be edited and worked on and figured out. when does this get fun!!!

#grrrrrrr googling ''how to make the process of uncertainty one of fun discovery and exploration instead of fear and worry'' #(the answer is to decouple expectations from process + not hold oneself to imaginary standards + have fun) #(but why is that hard 🫥)

[ringsidedishes]

watching non-wrestling acrobatic sports for once and man they all just stay on their feet so much

#this is a silly joke #also this is me going 'holy shit these athletes are incredible' for both the gymnasts and the wrestlers btw #being able to land on your feet after flinging oneself over a vault is amazing #deliberately letting yourself smack right onto the floor on top of someone else in a moonsault is too #me with a fear of falling watching people fall (and land) in increasingly creative ways: how do they do this #also me mid-30s and chronically ill and not able to exercise for years: i wish i could do this shit they've devoted their lives to #just a touch of jealousy but mostly just awe #dishesrambles

[somethings-diner]

Kanna. Why did you choose to go with? To prove yourself or something?

No? I just wanted to help! I don't need to prove myself to anyone!

#sorry but the desperate desire to prove oneself is Male Kanna's flaw #female Kanna's flaw is her fear of being alone #there are other personality differences between them aswell #mafia arc #omori food administration #non omori characters