#guys i cant believe this is real this is everything ive ever wanted

[omrarchive]

#guys i cant believe this is real this is everything ive ever wanted #WILLE ABDICATION??? WILMON ENDGAME??? wille is free he's free they're both free #look at simon's face oh my GOD #ive never seen him this happy euphoric and liberated #that's CINEMA! #i have so many things to say about this ending #“are you sure you're over me” “what the hell do you think” #when wille says “can you open the door?” as he leaves the car and leaves the cage that is the monarchy #the door is open!!!! there is sunshine on his skin!!!! he is free oh my god #i know i havent been making gifs im sorry i promise they are coming #good god that is Television to me #young royals #yr season 3 #yr s3 spoilers #young royals s3 #young royals season 3 #wilmon #prince wilhelm #simon eriksson #omar rudberg #edvin ryding #wilhelm x simon #wille x simon

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

#the current state of things

[princeshilo]

oooooooo im. im wavibg my fingers tell me about juno

ooooooo

ooohhhhhh noooooo… ive been hypnotized by your finger wibbling…. i guess i have to talk about hiiimmmm……

@ my fellow players in the d4 campaign DONT READ THIS. none of them actively use tumblr but jic

(LOTS of text under cut)

the first thing i always always always say about him is that he fucking SUCKS. hes the worst man alive i hope he dies im literally obsessed with him. juno infyris is a tiefling celestial warlock :3 his patron god is homebrew that i made myself! basically he grew up in the underdark (gracklstugh to be specific) doing odd jobs to make enough money to leave. since almost all of the underdark is under lolth, he genuinely just didnt. think gods were real. he was an atheist he just thought everyone else was in a cult on something LMFAO once he was old enough he started a little shop of his own selling fake magic items (most of which he stole). like spamton but not actually like spamton at all. now while setting up his window display for candlenights he ACCIDENTALLY SUMMONED A DEITY. shes like ohhh brave one you have summoned me….. your wish is my command… i shall aid you in your journeys…. and hes like Uh Um Uhhh Can You Help Me Out. (<- INCREDIBLY UNSPECIFIC THING TO SAY TO A LITERAL GOD.) she takes this and fuckinf runs with it hes now soulbound to this deity thats trying to make him a better person and have him do good deeds and stuff amd he HATES IT. as aforementioned he is the worst fucking guy alive hes greedy and selfish and an all around bastard who literally scams people for a living and now all of a sudden hes forced to be a good person or else god will kill him and its the funniest dynamic ive ever written. anyways he escapes his master and leaves the underdark and meets up with the party etc etc etc BUT i wanna talk more about his life before then. see the underdark is a really shitty fuckinf place to live for like 90% of the population and basically anyone that isnt a drow or duergar. SO. you can imagine his life kind of sucks. he is forever in servitude of at least one master at all times & is FOREVER trying to convince everyone he meets to let him live. he used to have wings, in fact! however when they grew in, his master used him for his wings & made him do a bunch of shady shit for him before cutting them off, not wanting juno to seem too valuable to others and have him stolen. juno currently doesn’t remember ever having wings & is convinced hes just naturally discoordinated and clumsy but in reality he’ll never fully acclimate to living without his wings. for all of the 18 years he lived in gracklstugh he spent every day trying to be good enough so that he wouldn’t be deemed useless and killed. his main tactic for this is flirting. see, he knows he’s fucking annoying, and he’s spent years trying to ‘fix it’, and he just can’t. so if he cant change his personality, he believes his only use is his looks. he’ll flash a charming smile and a kiss on the cheek to the vendor he’s currently robbing, distracting them so that he can steal just enough to get by. he’s fucking pretty, and he knows it, so he uses it to his advantage. he exists as an accessory, something to be used, and believes that��s the entirety of his worth. when he escapes the underdark by killing his master (with the help of angel, another pc in our campaign), he takes his left eye out. the scar changes everything. if he’s not pretty, not appealing enough, then he’s fucking useless. he finally got his chance to escape the underdark and now he’s going to be left to die as soon as he sees the sun for the first time. OBVIOUSLY THIS ISNT WHAT HAPPENS. throughout the campaign, one of the other pcs, rpck (no that’s not a typo his name is rpck) falls in love with him. this shit changes EVERYTHING his entire worldview begins to crumble as he learns he can finally be loved and. Yeaghf. im fucking normal about him. theres ALWAYS more i can say abt him but this is long enough already LMFAO thank u for letting me ramble jack :-)

#d&d #oc tag #d4 campaign #juno infyris #ocs #frog answers

[sixtyt-en]

for the past week or so ive been rotating a garten of banban au/rewrite thing from watching socpens' vods. dumping everything i got so far idont feel like making it organized

misc banban but good au ideas:

-"banban's kindergarten" is a front for an illegal mining operation. its in this warehouse in the middle of nowhere.

-taking this idea from a post i saw on tumblr its more like a recreational daycare program than a real school

-the player character is a custodian for the daycare part. shes aware that theres something sketchy going on but isnt let in on the specifics. she is a middle aged butch lesbian btw because i saud so. has a wife and a kid

-they mine givaniam from deep underground. its in high demand because of the fact that it defies the known laws of physics. stuff related to infinity/creation of matter out of nothing etc. bullshit material

-when its taken out of the ground it leaves abyss behind it, which cant be moved or disposed of -abyss looks like a dark bottomless pit but it can be escaped. made a diagram for that

-givaniam mining causes crazy sinkholes. story kicks off with like the main character bringing her wife n kid to work and a sink hole opens up underneath them so you gotta navigate through the banban facility to get to the bottom to find them

-the flynn guy huh. he has a family but post-jellyfish incident the company made him presumed dead and thus not able to see/talk to them ever again. initially got pretty pissed about it to say the least but now just tries to focus on managing the company. he tries to make the mc give up because thats what he did

-yeah hes really fucked up by that. it doesnt help that he technically did it to himself.

-there could be some sort of dune sandworms and spice thing going on with zolphius and the givaniam idk

-i like the idea that zolphius isnt a sentient thing but rather like a bizarre species of coral

-still trying to come up with something for why the monsters look the way they do

-However i do want to believe banban wears the party hats over his horns is like the same as farmers putting soft objects over the horns of cows/goats/sheep so that they cant damage stuff

#my art_ #digital art #banban #body horror #gobb

[quodekash]

EPISODE 2 BAD BUDDY OS2 LETS GOOOOO im so freaking excited holy hell 

i still cant believe that patpran and earthmix are going to INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER??? AND EXIST IN THE SAME SPACE???? HOLY HELLLLLL 

wait hang on 

will we get longtae?? pls give us longtae i need to see my boy 

WAIT hang on how does this work. how do bad buddy and 1000stars exist in the same space if drake plays korn and also rang. i need to make some kind of murder board of the connections between shows holy hell 

tut tut, phu, you need to take care of yourself for goodness sake 

pran is too autistic for this, he doesnt know how to Social Situation and communicate what he was actually trying to say and now they think he wants to be a teacher 

also im gonna slide past the phutian relationship problems bc i dont want to think about it. my dads are not getting a divorce, and thats final 

hang on. there’s new kids now??? where the hell did they come from? 

tian’s teacher frustration is so real 

autism 

HEY 

LOOK AT THAT 

ACTUAL REPRESENTATION OF SOME KIND 

THATS AWESOME 

I KNEW HE WASNT NEUROTYPICAL 

FJEHSBGKVJREB 

i know ocd is an anxiety disorder but there’s a lot of overlapping symptoms and apparently autistic people are more likely to experience ocd 

and even if its just ocd, im still allowed to hc him as autistic 

but either way HELL YEAH REPRESENTATION AND ITS CANONICAL AND ITS NOT JUST IN HIS HABITS ITS AN ACTUAL CANONICAL DIAGNOSIS GJERBDHBDRT 

MY BOY! 

(definitely didnt completely forget about him) 

his gaydar is going off so much he can smell it (i made the screenshot too big and now phupha in the foreground is making me laugh so hard omg- i swear its the funniest thing ever. im probably tired. its 1:30am) 

THE LOOKS PATPRAN GAVE EACH OTHER WHILE PHUTIAN WERE INTERACTING- THE GAYDARS THE GAYDARS 

(yes, i know they already know about phutian bc of tian’s online diary thingy, but it still counts) 

i wanna read this diary so bad but i cant read thai. and also idk where i would find it. its probably online somewhere. it might be a merch thing. who knows man 

GEHRKDBGV THE FLASHBACKS WHILE HES READING 

IM CRYING 

“why would a good guy come to watch me take a shower?” THE LOOKS PATPRAN JUST GAVE EACH OTHER- OMG I LOVE THIS SO MUCH 

THE LOOKS THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE 

ITS SO FUNNY 

I LOVE THIS 

iconic 

i love everything about this so so so much 

the amount of joy that just this one image brings me? help 

ive been wondering why they keep making those movies 

wait hang on 

guys i think we might actually be onto something 

on another but related note: what do you guys spend 25 minutes doing at 2 in the morning when you should be sleeping? cos apparently i make beautiful atrocities like that. 

anyway. 

theyre like little kids, “he liked me first” “NO HE LIKED ME FIRST” 

this is starting to sound very familiar 

pran screaming at the waterfall reminds me of patpran screaming off the top of the hill at the beach 

THEY ARE PLAYING IN THE WATERRRR I LOVE THEMMMMMM 

“i think they kissed” “agreed” “they certainly did” “i agree” okay they didnt but they absolutely should have and we all wanted them to 

they so in loveeee i love themmmmm 

IM SCREAMING AS QUIETLY AS I POSSIBLY CAN, HOLY HELL THE FREAKING PARALLELS 

hah, you bloody americans, they probably had to google what 18ºC is in fahrenheit, but i, a superior australian, know that that is... warmer than it has been recently. its currently 13º. its really weird, im not used to it getting this cold, even in winter, and winter only technically started two days ago. anyway, enough about abnormal australian weather, back to patpran 

i love them so much 

pat, i- 

HELL YES 

OISHIIIII 

FINALLY 

the kid demanding payment through sips of oishi tea? thats my kinda style 

id adopt that kid if i had to. 

i hate kids 

but ice tea? it bonds people. 

lucky kid 

i rly like this karaoke idea, i was wondering how they were gonna incorporate the ost but i guess pat’s gonna sing it 

P’AUUUU 

I THOUGHT I RECOGNISED HIM IN THE BACKGROUND EARLIER AND I WAS RIGHT 

HELLO P’AU HOW ARE YOU 

“actually, my boyfriend and i also fought about who fell for the other first. but in the end, it isnt important. what matters more is that we love each other” AWWWWBHFGHBR 

OH 

ITS THE SONG 

ITS THAT SONG 

GEIURHGUKERJBGHJK 

YAYYYY PHUTIAN ARE SNUGGLINGGGG 

IM SMILING SO HARD ITS DIFFICULT TO SEE 

i love him 

THE SIGNATURE FISTBUMP RJDGBJR 

i love them 

NOOOOO THEY STILL HAVENT MADE UP, GOSH FREAKING DARNNIT 

ooooo phu vs pat drinking challenge, this’ll be fun 

i really like how the young ones are giving advice to the older ones for a change, its very nice. and also just goes to show how powerful patpran are 

omg this kid is everywhere, i love him 

the pure RELIEF when they both see that they are, in fact, wearing pants. 

BRO THAT WAS STRESSFUL 

PRAN NEARLY DIED 

its so funny to me how intense the music is rn 

OF FREAKING COURSE 

well at least we know that means we’ll get more patpran next week, we dont have to say goodbye to them today 

anyway that was wonderful, its 3am and i feel fine currently, cant wait to feel like a dead banana peel tomorrow, goodnight folks, see you next time! 

#quodekash watches our skyy 2 despite desperately needing to sleep #our skyy 2 #our skyy x bad buddy #our skyy x a tale of thousand stars #our skyy x bad buddy x a tale of thousand stars #os2 #bad buddy series #bad buddy the series #atots #1000stars #a tale of thousand stars #patpran #ohmnanon #phutian #earthmix #ohm pawat #nanon korapat #earth pirapat #mix sahaphap

[b0d1ly-st3w]

have my postal 1 dude headcanons because hes so meeeeee

tw for mentions of self harm

• hed just barely turned 20 by the time postal 1 happened

• a bit of a mallgoth, really loved nine inch nails and marilyn manson

• had a really bad self harm addiction back in highschool, he was 2 years clean by postal 1

• actually felt so bad for everything hed done, cant even hear fake gunshots without wanting to throw up

• i believe that the demon was responsible for his breakdown, it convinced him that everyone was poisoned and that he was the only one that could save them

• schizophrenic, has hurt himself before because voices convinced him to do so

• shy and selectively mute

• other postal dudes treat him like a kid because of his age (postal 4 dude is his parental figure)

• asshole dad who was never around

• smokes like a chimney, anytime anyone sees him he always seems to have a cigarette in his hand

• great with kids, thats why he couldnt bring himself to hurt them

• the funeral ending was a hallucination (ik thats redux but they are practically the same leave me alone)

• the most traumatised postal dude

• would probs be a mitski stan

• autistic, bites the other postal dudes

• loves cats

• bisexual and in denial (has a fat crush on every single member of nin)

• just starts screaming randomly, but not in a funny way like a genuine terror way

• stares at people with his autism eyes

• wears his sunglasses everywhere

• lives off cheese and vodka (hes like an alcoholic mouse)

• absolutely loves horror movies, gets postal 4 dude to watch them with him

• scared of corkscrew, but corkscrew really likes him and feels the need to protect him

• suffered from anorexia at a young age, sometimes has days where he literally cant eat anything without crying

• people pleaser, changes his entire personality to make people happy

• loves wool sweaters, practically lives in them

• always cold

• drinks to forget

• gets randomly angry for no apparent reason, will start punching the shit out of people and screaming

• against the big light prefers lamps

• will just sit in the corner and listen while people talk

• loves pepperoni pizza

• still has braces

• probably loves hello kitty but will never admit it

• shoplifts literally anytime he goes into a store, steals things for other postal dudes

• would violently sob to real men by mitski

• bullys postal 4 dudes music but actually likes it (can you tell i love the idea of them being friends?)

i added more because ive got so many headcanons for this emo loser <3

• really picky with what he can eat, will spit anything out he doesnt like

• his family where heavily religious, thats why he wears a cross

• can fall asleep literally anywhere

• defos a stoner

• practically lived at korn concerts

• likes hugs but also despises being touched

• corkscrew carries him about everywhere, gives him piggybacks all the time

• either completely stone cold or really giggly and happy, there is no in between

• uses :⁠-⁠) :⁠-⁠P :⁠-⁠O :⁠-⁠( when texting

• probably likes cannibal corpse

• chop suey! by system of a down is his anthem

• spins around in circles to stim, postal 2 guy joins in because funni

• steals peoples jackets

• would be absolutely cracked at hatsune miku project diva

• has a hyperfixation on music and plays bass

• i think he would be really soft spoken most the time

• when hes drunk hes absolutely mayhem, runs around and throws cushions at people

• tried to give himself a stick and poke and got mad when it didnt look good

• if postal 1 was set in the early 2000s i think hed be an emo

• goes nonverbal often, hardly ever speaks

• claustrophobic, will start crying if he feels trapped

• hates parades (unless its a pride one #ally)

• (⁠●⁠_⁠_⁠●⁠) stares at people like this

• tooth gap<3333

• hates wearing bandages around his arms because theyre itchy and uncomfortable

• probably had an entire bag of bandaids on standby

• ik he canonically has sorta short hair but i like to think its really long

• wanted a mohawk

• wears eyeliner but will deny it even though its so obvious

• he did have a girlfriend at one point but she left him because he was strange (autism making him bitchless💀)

• ik this makes no sense but i think it would be funny af if he was scottish, like all the other postal dudes expect him to sound like them but then he starts speaking in the heaviest scottish accent imaginable (and before you say im only saying that because hes ginger im scottish so im actually projecting get it right)

• gave himself so many piercings but half of them closed up

• likes flavoured tea, his fav is peppermint

• would probably have a crush on tyler durden

• not really a hc but imagine him falling asleep on the sofa and postal 4 dude covering him with a nice fluffy blanket and giving him a little kiss on the forehead like dads in movies 😭😭😭

• wanted to be a musician growing up

• would watch the entire saw franchise in one sitting

• postal 4 dude always checks his arms and makes sure hes eaten, but he doesnt get upset with him if he does relapse or doesnt eat because he knows hes trying

• everyone tells him all their drama because they know he wont tell anyone (he knows everything)

• no one is willing to argue with him because he will either start crying or attack them

• probably bipolar

• signed postal 2 guys petition

• probably rabid/j

• really good at art

• scared of seagulls

• hes really lanky and tall

• (⁠;⁠ŏ⁠﹏⁠ŏ⁠) default facial expression

• red is his favourite colour

• hes an anti-shaggin moment/ref

• will just lay on top of people with absolutely no care whatsoever

• really bad at helping others, hed probably awkwardly giggle at someone crying

• he likes stuffed animals, has a whole collection of them because he was never allowed them when he was a kid

• if you asked him his pronouns hed probably bite you (he doesnt understand)

• if demon ever got a physical form all the dudes (excluding 1) would team up and beat its ass

• demon still appears sometimes and even tells 1 what to do, but he does his best not to listen

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TW!! SLIGHT DESCRIPTION OF S/H

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• one time postal 3 dude was just going downstairs to get some water and found 1 on the floor sobbing, hed had an episode and sliced his arm pretty bad, 3 did his best to help and swore he wouldnt tell 4 but he found out anyways

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• hates chocolate cake with every fibre of his being

• paints his nails all the time, comes downstairs every day with a new colour

• one of the dudes got him a copy of pretty hate machine on cd for christmas and it was his most favourite thing for months

• loves little insects, willingly picks them up

• collects so much random shit its insane

i got more

• can never sit in pure silence because there always seems to be noise, but really its all in his head (this is based on some of the tracks from the redux soundtrack as obviously some of them are just unintelligible noise)

• picks at his skin alot

• used to skip school alot, but always did well in tests and exams

• cant swim

• actually really loved school

• salt and vinegar crisps man

• actually tried to quit smoking but failed horribly

• uses internet slang and postal 4 guy has absolutely no fucking clue what hes on about

thats all i got

#postal #postal 1 #postal dude #headcanons #tw self destructive behavior

[johnwickb1tsch]

The Night Nurse - Ch 4

A John Wick x Helen Fic

When nurse Helen Morgan is caught in the crossfire of a shootout and aids the injured John Wick, she’s faced with two options: serve the High Table, or be executed as a Witness. She tells herself her choice to work at the Continental has everything to do with survival, and excellent pay, and *not* her growing feelings for the Tall, Dark, and Handsome Assassin™ who got her into this mess in the first place, thank you very much. │ Masterlist / Chapter Map │

IV.

He found Helen sitting in one of the comfy chairs, her elbows on her knees, and her chin cradled in her hands. She stared out at nothing; John knew she wasn’t really seeing the room. She was, most likely, seeing the outcome of what she’d just narrowly escaped. The thought made his blood boil. The temptation to march down to Mikhail’s room and waste the little fucker was real.

Making no sudden movements, he knelt beside her, careful not to touch her. “Are you hurt?”

She shook her head. “No. I’m pissed off.”

The corner of his mouth twitched. This was no smiling matter—but even now, her ferocity delighted him.

“I’m sor—”

“Don’t. You haven’t done anything wrong. You saved me, again. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

She shook her head, clenching her fist against her mouth. He could see she was shaking. With fear, or anger, he really wasn’t sure. Both, perhaps, after what had happened. Most women would have broke down crying after such a scare. It was a completely valid reaction, but this woman…she got mad, and he didn’t know why that titillated him so.

He was hopeless.

“Just goes to prove no matter where you go, it’s never enough to be a woman just trying to do your job well. There’s always some asshole who wants to...”

She couldn’t bring herself to voice the rest. She didn’t have to.

John knew his expression reflected his murderous thoughts. “I promise, I won’t let them touch you. We will talk to Winston in the morning.”

“And what happens when I leave the Continental grounds?” she asked. “Are they going to be waiting for me, just to prove a point? I know men like that shit Mikhail. He’s like a child who can’t tolerate being told no.”

She was right, of course. She’d taken the exact measure of the Medvedev Bratva prince.

“God,” she sighed, sitting back in the chair. “This is just like the hospital. There was this asshole doctor…” She shook her head, gritting her teeth against some unpleasant memory. “Never mind.”

“Give me a name.”

“You can’t kill him, John.”

“Oh, I bet I could.”

“It wasn’t as bad as this. Forget it.”

“I won’t, but we can drop it, for now.”

He would be looking into the doctors she’d worked with in the past, but for now, they had a more immediate problem.

“Helen, do you know any self-defense?”

“I know some basics. Instep, eyes, throat, groin.” She punctuated her list with exaggerated karate chopping motions that he found highly adorable. “But there’s no way I could ever fight anyone like those two fucking guys. What do they weigh? Five hundred pounds in pure muscle?”

Though she mostly spoke without an accent, in moments like this John could hear Ireland via Boston in the cadence of her words. It was hopelessly endearing.

“I can teach you some things that would help you, even against them.”

She canted her head to look at him, and he could tell she was interested. “I believe you. Those guys looked like they might piss themselves when you walked out. Ok. That would be handy, I guess.”

“Are you…averse to learning how to use a gun?”

“I know how to use a gun.”

She really was perfect, he thought to himself. Absolutely fucking perfect.

“Do you carry?”

She shook her head. “My dad taught me how to use his Smith and Wesson .38. It was a lifetime ago. I don’t know about carrying a gun…I feel like I might be as likely to hurt myself or a bystander.”

“You just have to practice, and be careful. They don’t go off randomly. They really don’t.”

Her next sigh went on seemingly for hours.

Then, she laughed, scrubbing her face with her hands. “I don’t get it. What would that ridiculous young man even want with me? I am a mature woman pushing the far side of thirty.”

John bit the inside of his lip, warring with himself against stating the obvious, without sounding creepy. What was the most politic way of pointing out that she was fucking hot, age be damned? And, like so many in the cruel, male-dominated world of organized crime, Mikhail probably had his share of mommy issues.

Finally, he settled for, “I can’t fault his taste.”

She paused, clearly torn by his words. For not just hours ago, he had for all practical purposes, rejected her. 

He knew he was sending mixed signals. He didn't know how not to. She drew him like a moth to a flame. 

“When is your next day off?” 

“Tomorrow. Well. Today, I guess. I get off at 7am.”

“Alright. Then this is what I propose. You get some sleep. In the morning, we will talk to Winston. I want him to give you a panic button or something. Your phone was practically useless in that situation.” 

“Would he do that?”

“I don’t see why not. Maybe we live by the laws of the jungle out there, but in here, it’s the laws of the High Table. Doc doesn't have to deal with this shit. You shouldn't either.”

She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. “Okay.”

“Then…” He looked up at her through his hair, and the sight grabbed her heart with a fist, squeezing painfully. This man. This fucking man, and his soulful looks, and his fathomless dark eyes. Seeing him on his knees before her did things to her insides, and she didn’t think there would ever come a time when he didn’t move her. She’d been hooked from the moment she set eyes on him. He would have this hold on her…probably until the day she died. He probably didn’t even know it either, she mused. He was very confident in his abilities to do his job. The rest…seemed a little shaky for him.

Then, anything you want, she thought to herself, though she at least had the self-respect not to say it aloud.

“Then, I want to teach you some things. Self-defense things,” he quickly added, as though he knew where her treacherous, exasperatingly hopeful, thoughts might lead.

So goddamn honorable.  

“Okay. Sure. Where?”

“My place?”

This intrigued her. She realized she never thought about John living somewhere else. When he wasn’t working, it seemed like he was always here at the Continental. Little did she know how much she had to do with that.

“I’m fine with that. Where do you live?” She imagined an apartment high above Manhattan.

“Over in Jersey.”

“Seriously?” She wasn’t sure why this amused her.

By the way he canted his head, he wasn’t either.

“Yeah. It’s set back in the woods. Private. It’s…quiet.”

She realized then that he was inviting her into his sanctuary. The place he went to get away from the city, and probably from the rigors of work too. She tried to put a cork in it, but that pesky warmth spread out from her heart to her bones.

“Sounds nice.”

“Yeah.” He seemed to struggle with something for a few moments before adding, “I’ll cook for you. Do you like steak?”

Almost as though she was afraid of spooking The Boogeyman, as silly as that seemed, she nodded slowly. “I love steak.”

“Great. After I’m done training you, I’ll owe you dinner.”

Helen raised an eyebrow at that ominous statement. Maybe this wasn’t so much a date after all. What had she gotten herself into? She’d been asking herself that a lot lately. And except for her little misadventure with Mikhail, so far, she could say this was the most interesting her life had been…ever.

“You don’t owe me anything, John. But I appreciate you looking out for me. Thanks.”

She reached out to him, and without thinking he took her hand in his, squeezing her fingers between his own. He knew she was tough, but her slender fingers seemed so delicate in his calloused hand. So breakable. His thoughts strayed to Mikhail, the fucker, and what John had barely managed to head off in the hallway. She deserved so much better than that. She deserved better than him, better than all of this. Without thinking, he pressed his lips to her knuckles.

When Mikhail had kissed her hand it had been unsettling. A power play that left her with worms squirming in her guts. But John’s mouth on her hand sent a frisson of longing through her veins. He was so goddamn sincere. Please stop making me want you, she pleaded. Stop making me want you, if I can’t have you.

“You should get some rest,” he said, releasing her albeit reluctantly as he stood.  

“I feel bad, hiding in your room. My phone might go off if I’m needed, I'll wake you up.” 

“If you have to go treat someone, I'll go with you.”

“John...”

“I insist.”

He looked down with his hands in his pockets and those serious dark eyes boring into her, a look that brooked no argument. It wasn’t just the sight of him in his half-buttoned black shirt, a pale triangle of toned chest peeking through. It wasn’t those polished onyx eyes, or the high cheekbones that fashion models would have killed for. She just couldn’t remember the last time someone had cared so much about what happened to her. Someone who was an actual adult, who could influence the outcome of things in some way. It was a heady feeling, to say the least.

Why did he have to be so breathtaking?

She sighed.

“What did I do to deserve you?”

“Something terrible, I assume.” The corner of his mouth ticked. Rolling her eyes, she stood from the chair, smacking his arm lightly. Out the corner of her eye, she noticed his smile widen. It warmed her heart.

Not so long ago, Winston had offered a coy observation, that John Wick was smiling more often these days. She hoped it was true.

As she kicked off her shoes she asked, “Is all this going to make a problem for you, John?”

“Nothing I can’t handle.”

“You don’t do work for the Medvedevs?”

“I contract with the Tarasov Bratva.” Essentially, he’d been sold to them by the Ruska Roma, when he was a fire-eyed young man becoming too difficult to control. The Director never admitted it, of course, but she’d decided to cut her losses before Jardani Jovanovich became a problem the Tarkovsky Theater couldn’t handle. He’d moved up the ranks since then, proving his worth in blood spilt. He couldn’t say he felt any true loyalty to the Tarasovs, but there was a code of respect that he did his best to follow. He wouldn’t stab Viggo in the back—unless the money was good enough.

That was the truest rule of their world.

“And how do the Tarasovs and Medvedevs get along?”

“Oh, they hate each other. Quietly, though. War is bad for business.”

Viggo had made his first fortune in the eighties running a gasoline racket that made him millions, though those days were long gone. Now he focused mostly on guns, gambling, and stolen cars. The Medvedevs seemed more inclined towards pleasures of the flesh, running clubs, drugs, and the inevitably associated skin trade of Eastern Bloc girls. Though misogyny ran rampant all across their world, it was little mystery why Mikhail viewed women the way he did.

Biting her lip, Helen nodded. John could practically hear the wheels in her frighteningly quick brain turning.

“This isn’t going to start a war, Helen. Surely not even Mikhail Ivanovich could be that stupid.”

Even as he said it, John wasn’t sure if he believed it. Like her namesake, at least to John, Helen was a woman worth going to war for. If the boy felt the same…there would be blood.

He didn’t need to scare her with that kind of speculation though. He kept his mouth shut.

When Helen noticed John preparing to lay out on the couch she sighed. “John…I’m not kicking you out of your bed.”

“I can sleep anywhere. Really.” Growing up in a Belarussian orphanage certainly made him appreciate a soft place to lay down, but the talent for being able to sleep on less than ideal surfaces had never left him. “You’ve had a night. Take the bed.”

She appreciated that he was sensitive to the possibility that she might not want to share a bed with a man, after what had nearly just happened to her. Was it insane, that it made her want him beside her all the more?

“I feel safe, with you.” For the momentarily pained expression that slipped before he schooled his features, she wasn’t sure she should have admitted that aloud. They had shared a bed that very first night in the Continental, talking until dawn about the High Table and the Underworld, and drifting off holding hands. It had been impossibly sweet, considering.

John had lost his heart to her that night. Heart and soul, falling so deeply in adoration that he knew he would never recover. It was the very reason he knew he couldn’t have her.

It could only end badly, for her, and he owed her better than that.

And yet, that devil on his shoulder whispered. And yet, maybe he hadn’t outright claimed her as his, but Igor and Alexei certainly planned to tell their boss that John Wick had made a prior claim. It was the only way they could stay out of trouble for failing to do the little bastard’s bidding. The gossip would spread like wildfire from there.

It was possible it was too late.

And if that was true…what did they have to lose?

Everything, still. Absolutely everything. Maybe if they could head off Mikhail’s bullshit, nip it in the bud, they could return to a state of normal. A state of safety, for Helen.

Dating him would not equal that, by a long shot.

“John?”

He realized he’d been standing there silently for nearly a minute, just looking at her. He was a man with iron self-control. It was the reason he was so good at what he did. Impulses were for lesser men. Impulses were what he preyed on when he hunted. But this woman…this woman. His will crumbled to dust in the face of those bright brown eyes looking upon him with longing for comfort.

“You’re sure?”

“So sure.”

She offered him a gentle smile, and it took everything not to fall to her feet and weep, or grab her up and kiss her, count her teeth and mark her skin with the fury of his desire, devour her with his lips until she forgot her own name, only that she was His.  

A weary groan escaped him as he lay down beside her.

It was not because his body hurt.

With the lights turned low, laying on her side facing him, she asked in a hushed tone, “John, why did you call Mikhail the bear cub?”

“Medvedev is a derivative of bear. Medved. They use it as their…sigil, I guess you could say. It’s supposed to strike fear in the hearts of their enemies.”

She didn’t miss the wry notes of mockery in the last sentence.

“Hmm. So John Wick isn’t afraid of bears. What’s your sigil then?”

He thought for a moment. Maybe others called him the Baba Yaga, but it wasn’t something he himself embraced. He didn’t really belong to the Tarasov clan. He didn’t claim the Ruska Romas either anymore, glad to be free of their cruelty, even if they made him into the man he was today. He was an orphan, a man alone. Until meeting Helen, he’d preferred it that way. “I don’t have one.”

He felt her reach out in the dark, her hand finding his, like it had that first night when he’d been shot and stabbed and she’d put all his pieces back together again. “We’ll just have to think about that.”

John snorted softly. He found it all rather silly, but if it meant something to her he wouldn’t shoot it down.

“What about you?”

She laughed quietly. She sounded sleepy, and soft, and he wanted to kiss her so badly.  “Maybe…a daisy. It’s my favorite flower.”

He felt himself smiling, more widely than he would have dared had the lights been on.

“Perfect.”

Not long after that he felt her relax, her breathing deepening as she fell into sleep. He remained vigil, listening to the sounds of the building, of the city, ready should something come. The world was changing; the old rules didn’t seem to mean what they once had. Was he becoming a bitter old man, griping about the youth of today and their lack of respect for the traditional ways?

There were things the new generation simply did not understand, born into their lives of luxury in this prosperous, oh so naïve country. They knew not what it was to see your breath in the cold inside your house, or to feel the grueling pain of your body eating itself out of hunger.

To have nothing, unless you took it with your own two hands.

That was what borne the Theives in Law of the old Soviet Union. It was a rebellion in a way, against Communism, and the corruption of the State. The Party took everything; the only way to have something for yourself was to steal it back. John understood this, had tasted that desperation as an orphan in one of the numerous institutions in Belarus, before the Ruska Roma took him in to mold for their own ends.

It was not their fault, really, that the next generation did not know the fear of the winter wolves howling just outside the door. Their fathers had bought comfort for their children with their blood and sweat and tears. It was what any parent wanted for their children; an easier life. A better life.

The American Dream—if only on the surface.

Yet rather than simply enjoy this bounty, live an easy life, go into legitimate business, they had to strut around, striving to prove their toughness and bravery, like cruelty was a badge to be worn like a designer insignia on one’s jacket. This was the thing John did not understand, and felt only contempt for when the young ones demanded the respect they had not themselves earned. They had not been forged in the old fires of the USSR, tempered by the constant hardships of life in the Soviet Union. One good hit, and they would crack like cheap steel.

Maybe John didn’t particularly want to start a war with Ivan Medvedev, but he would not hesitate to put Mikhail Ivanovich in his place, if the boy pushed any farther.

As he’d simultaneously hoped and feared, Helen shifted in her sleep, scooting closer into the shelter of his body. He did not have the strength to turn away, opening his arms to cradle her against him.

This soft miracle was a thing he did not take for granted. Pride was a fickle thing. Power too, was only fleeting. But this? A woman who truly saw you, and who still felt safe enough to grace you with the gift of her sleeping body in your arms?

This was worth burning a city down for.

<<Chapter 3 Chapter 5>>

#john wick #john wick x helen #keanu reeves #john wick fic #helen wick #john wick the night nurse

[bonesandthebees]

phil:

- hes smart and good at what hes doing, I wouldnt be surprised if he got his position by skill not from his father

- he is the most powerful guy in the palace and he knows it but also knows he cant show it and has to nudge sam in the right direction not tell him what to do

- he knows how to play the court game, using servants and all, and also never shows all his cards (not asking sam about the announcement after he found out about it)

- its clear where his trust lies, techno, sneeg to a certain degree and wilbur (I believe he wasnt telling him everything so far just bc he was young and didnt need to know)

- techno is his bestie

- his goals are also pretty clear, at least thanks to what we know from wilburs pov

im sure he cares about the kingdom and advises sam well, his advice about choosing an heir made a lot of sense, but it was also a way to ensure that wilbur will know all the possible heirs and have his position more secure

now that theres a possible new heir, tommy has become a danger to this plan bc hes a latecomer to the party and its not sure if he would choose wil, were he to become the heir

niki:

- very close to wilbur

- smart and favoured by the people, studying and trying hard to get ready to possibly become a queen

- shes been trained well to survive in court, perfecting the art of keeping a straight face, saying appropriate stuff, knowing how to dress etc.

- she doubts it outloud but I have a feeling inside she knows about her solid chances of being chosen

- yes shes really nice, but im sure the wish to become queen from childhood still stays, she does want the power and I dont doubt she could go to great lengths to get the power

q:

- sounds like a smart ambitious fella

not sure why is he so sure about being chosen, but maybe thats just his personal delusion, that does sound like a c! quackity trait

- would like to see him become the king purely to see how he would wear his coif under the crown

sam:

- loves ponk and doesnt even try to hide it too much but also will never admit it

- in the prequel it seemed like he valued phils advice, but rn im not so sure

it looks like he wants to show phil hes the one with power or that he can also find a potential heir himself, phil mentioned he likes to experiment

but its also possible hes being so secretive about tommy for a completely different reason, hopefully well learn next chapter

there is so much we know already about them after only one chapter its crazy when you actually realise

-

ive just realised the very real probability of tommy forming relationships with techno and phil, its still sbi fic after all, and there are so many possibilities I cant wait to see it play out

well now I go read others' asks while I buzz with excitement about both rose and glass

2/2

oh yeah phil didn't get his position from his father! he became the consil all on his own merit. that's something you'll learn more about later on :)

the thing is is that phil is smart. he is cautious and knows when not to overplay his hand, and he also understands what moves need to be taken to progress the game. he knows his power and wants wilbur to have that as well.

niki is definitely the favored and expected heir. in a way, this is more her birthright than anyone else's. she's trained for this her entire life, and even if she has her doubts, she wants to believe that she's the best choice for the role. and the desire for power is there. it's been there since she was a little girl.

LMAOOO that's the real question here, how would quackity wear the coif under the crown. alternate universe where quackity realizes that he'd have to take the coif off if he ever became king and immediately decides he doesn't want it

(he is extremely clever and ambitious though. he knows what he wants and he is going to find a way to get it)

sam definitely still values phil's advice, but he's having a sort of... mid life crisis of sorts where he's realizing just how much of his rule has been dependent on phil. he's trying things out for himself, but he's not really sure what the long term effects can be. it's very dumb of him, in all honesty.

so excited for you guys to see how this all plays out :)

#ask #jiksvokrat #rose ch 1

[faunandfloraas]

thank you to Karolina for tagging meeeeeee @inloif

Do you make your bed? Most the time, yes! Because I have a cute, very grannycore bedspread and some cute throw pillows so I like to see it made up and it makes me more likely to actually open the blinds and let the sun in.

What’s your favorite number? 12. Genuinely no reason why.

What is your job? Nothing official. Unofficial.... well maybe theres been a cashy once or twice lately, who knows not me.

If you could go back to school, would you? If I could go back in time, I would- but at this very minute? no. i dropped out of hs because *undiagnosed everything so if I could have, yk, ever accessed help that would have been nice lol

Can you parallel park? I'd prefer not to.

A job you had that might surprise people? idk- aged care? none of my jobs have been very weird or random, so

Do you think aliens are real? 🛸 I WANT TO BELIEVE

Can you drive a manual car? Yes. For 33 whole seconds before I blow up the clutch and destroy the car.

What’s your guilty pleasure? Well. Thats for me to know and to not inflict on my lovely kpop pals 😇

Tattoos? No I'm too indecisive I cant even get a haircut 😭 i like them on other people, though!

Favorite color? depends on the time of day and what stage the moon is in- but like Im always a fan of pics and browns and greens and yellows and

Favorite type of music? Once again. I cannot ever land on a favourite.

Do you like puzzles? Uhhhhhhhh? I think im too adhd for that.

Any phobias? Im a bit scared of heights but not phobia scared.... hmm nothing else really.

Favorite childhood sport? baseball. which didnt exist here and no one cared about and was weird for me to be into since I cared naught for sport, generally.

Do you talk to yourself? Yuh. Incessantly. I do voices and stuff. Inherited it from my mother actually, so it's her fault.

What movies do you adore? Uptown girls, Imagine me and you and moonlight are all films Ive seen multiple times and have enjoyed everytime so those I guess :)

Coffee or Tea? Both! I love them both. idk I guess Iced coffees my number 1 girl but I have been havin tea every morning lately now its colder so.

First thing you wanted to be growing up? long haul truck driver is the main thing I ever remember really thinking Wow. that'd be so cool. ???? i wanted to sleep in the truck, particularly? and as I have said before, I believe I should have been a gay truck driving 60 yr old man named big Al but the universe had other plans, I guess.

this was fun! I tag any and all moots or followers who would like to do this, I'm always happy to learn things about you guys :)

#tag game #i appreciate that this had some different questions!

[serotoninny]

Hey- hi. My sister and I grew up playing Super Paper Mario constantly. I would absolutely love to hear any and all thoughts you would like to share pls and thank you!!

HELLO! HELLO HI!

wanted to start off by saying Holy Shit!! spm was a video game me and my sister also played growing up!! we never beat it back then but recently she came home and got me hooked on it again and we played it all the way thru. we also did fun little voices for each character I got to be dimentio so that was very fun ^__^ i think Objectively its not a very hard game (which is why we were able to beat it LMAO) but what it lacks there it makes up for in STORY and super strong characters and i adore it so

IF ANYONE!! ANYONE wants to respond to anything ive said in this word soup of a post PLEASE DO!!! in the tags in the comments i just like seeing ppl talk abt whatever the hell about spm. Head canons Theories You name it

this is . a little scattered around. u do not have to read all of this but thank you for giving me an excuse to talk abt spm VVV

first of all themes of love being the answer make me wanna bawl my eyes out and i gotta be real i did tear up at the end of the game when blumiere and timpani have bounding through time ost playing and then walk out of frame. CHEFS KISS. lovely. i like how each chapter the gang goes thru has its own unique little set of townspeople and even thru little bits of dialogue u are left wanting to defeat the chaos heart even more because you dont want any of them to die YK? HEAVENS TO BETSY! THE DIALOGUE OPTIONS FOR RIGHT BEFORE CHAPTER 8 FOR ALL THE PEOPLE IN FLIP/FLOPSIDE?? SHIT HURTED. npc reactions to all the shit going on were so good

one thing i WISH happened tho was. mario and luigi Sibling Love (i mean this platonically i want to specify Just in case there are any weirdos out there) Helps Save The World. i get the whole count bleck mansion part where everyone started sacrificing themselves to save the others which means they care for one another n whatnot which is good great and fantastic However i think it wouldve been COOL to see the whole gang esp the two opposing forces of Mario (prophesized hero color red) and luigi (prophesized Man In Green to contain the chaos heart and destroy the world) contribute to the reformation of the pure heart like some sorta balance between light n dark . BUT ITS FINE i love the game anyway because its probably the longest bowser luigi mario and peach have ever been on the same team

and completely unrelated, the entire premise of luigi being the harbinger of a great world ender is ALWAYS a joy. a fun little recurring gag if you will. like i cant believe this is not the only time he was the vessel for a great evil like what is up with that. every day i think abt that one luigi post abt how he's Doomed By The Narrative TM to be the Evil Twin Brother but he just chooses not to be. never not thinking abt that ever. hes so haunted by like literally everything got separated and brainwashed fought his brother aided in the destruction of the sammer guy world Died went to hell KOed spm satan got revived became GOD then saved the world. and he is some middle aged man in striped socks

MR L. GOD. that fucking guy. hes so lame. i like him so much. his theme goes SO hard in the silliest way imaginable. and i also like how even when he is brainwashed its kinda obvious he still wants mario around (see: brobot, the replacement brother). they fr tapped into luigis need to be useful and used that as is motivation to work for the count. yeowch. mr l to me is just luigi but Lots of parts of him just locked up and forgotten (plus a little minor bit of oh i dont know straight up brain manipulation, nastasia is a force 2 be reckoned with fr) Duno if im making sense here . anyway mr l is so so so hilarious to me because his one liners are so so dumb and i think the gag abt no one recognizing him is FUNNY (EVEN IF i think at least mario SHOULDVE recognized him but WHATEVS).

all of count blecks minions are . SUCH a fun little group. and while dimentio didnt give a fuck about them i still love his dynamic as the court jester whos a little bit of a bitch. the origins of them joining the group are very interesting because ochunks mimi and nastasia had been at their lowest when bleck recruited them and dimentio was like. let me in your emo band. ochunk's warrior code is something i think about a lot. he doesnt got a lot behind the eyes but hes got values he sticks to and i like that a lot in a character. him and mimi do spa days

bleck as a character makes me wanna chew through my walls. in a good way. guys who are slipping and dont want to get back up and bringing everything else down with them are fun and that is all. bonus! he still gets to be Somewhere quiet after the story's over

dimentio has to be my fave of the goons (not counting mr l). not surprising because hes just. so. ...... He is the Way That He Is. his little similes are so stupidly funny for no reason and i think being a Silly Guy and also a Guy With Ulterior Motives are the two funest traits a character can have. His ambiguous past is so interesting like yes bitch hide behind the mask keep cards up your sleeve dont let them know your next move!! something interesting i read somewhere was that. even after luigi the chaos heart and dimentio were separated that there were bits still mixed up between them, linking them not only prophetically but on the atomic level is a headcanon im tucking close into my heart . terrifying as it is super fucking rad !! luigi cannot escape the harbinger of doom allegations

dimentio and luigis entire dynamic is the best thing ever. because dimentio is a goddamn weirdo and luigi is. and i cannot stress this enough. JUST a fucking GUY. luigi is like "ill stop you you ne'er do well!" and dimentio responds with "im killing us both<3ciao!" why does every luigi villain wanna be no children mountain goats with SO BAD. they should keep doing it

god. the way mario is the mc and barely has a role in most of the story other than being The Hero of the Light Prognosticus is both a little annoying and also kinda sick /pos. annoying because mario is one of my faves and i want him to participate in the story more (not really a diss on the writing i just like him) but also kinda sick because . the way everyone in the game talks abt the hero from the prophecy is so. soooooooooooo. god. like everyone in favor of all worlds Not Ending preparing THOUSANDS of CENTURIES in advance just for mario to arrive. Pixls were locked in boxes and hidden away WAITING for him and its like. if he could talk back. i wanna know how he thinks abt all this. because throught the entire story You as the player kinda fuck things up for people in pursuit of the pure hearts. and mario cant rly SAY anything abt it cus its not Really his story, but MAN. what i would give for a little development on his end of the lineup during a few points like 'wilting' king croacus, figuring out squirps is now orphaned because he had to stay alive long enough to help the heros, Luvbis Entire Deal, and figuring out mr l was luigi all along. SIGH

i dont know much about the pixl war, but all of that lore is so cool to look into. ive got like surface level knowledge. even then i only rly care abt the history when im thinking abt the personalities of the pixls themselves. cus like they get their little moment in the spotlight and then they Never speak Again. dottie and cudge and fleep are some of the more memorable ones for me and i wish it was possible to hear more of them. but alas

squirps. :( in my heart. in my heart and soul. bowser takes squirps under his wing. forms an alliance with his kingdom (assuming. squirps takes over from where his mom left off). peach would of course also form an alliance with him. IDK. squirps is the Only One out of every major side character in the game who didnt really get a happy ending. while not everyone NEEDS one i think he deserves one. and in my perfect world he is being guided by two more experienced rulers (bowser isnt doing much in terms of teaching him good diplomacy but he sure as hell is getting him to hang out with kids his age like Jr).

bowser was so funny this whole game. love when evil guys get domesticated a little. thats all about him

PEACH. PRINCESS PEACH. god i love her. the way she was the only person to resist nastasias brainswashing AND her fucking umbrella is the most cracked defense in the World. blowing a kiss to the wind. for peach

ok so i cant think of anything else to say and i havent proofread this. if YOU, dear viewer, love super paper mario i need you to never shut the fuck up ever. there are like 12 of us

#spm #super paper mario #long post #HOO man. supare papa mareio.

[summerlycoris]

Annon-Guy: As fellow Dawn of the New World fan, what do you think of the main characters introduced in that game?

Specifically Emil, Ratatosk, Marta, Tenebrae, Richter, Aqua, Alice and Decus.

Its been forever since ive played dotnw, so i might mess up small details. (I want to play it again- but am procrastinating playing symphonia orz)

Emil- the twist with him was so good. Kinda similar to Lukes twist in tota, except a bit more tragic because. The real Emil Castnagier is dead from the palmacosta fire. And Aster is dead because of Ratatosk.

But... he's still the real Emil. Even if his life was a lie. Even if his memories of his past were fake. The memories he made with Marta, Tenebrae, and everyone were real.

Ratatosk- I cant really remember a tonne about him individually tbh. Only that he improves over the course of the story, and becomes a much better teammate to Marta and Tenebrae.

Speaking of- Marta- shes a lot of fun honestly. The quips between her and tenebrae were perfect. And her character was also really cool- going up against her dad and the vanguard, all to try and save ratatosk. Shes cool.

Also, shes got tokunaga on her backpack. Any fan of Best Abyss Character, Anise Tatlin, is a friend of mine! (joke)(kinda)(i probably would like any Anise fan unless they were murderers or something like that.)

Tenebrae- brillient honestly. After playing tota, i can see the Jade influence loud and clear. And then you get to the twist and realise- he was in on it! He knew what was going on... owwie my heart. I see his reasoning for staying silent though. Just. Ow.

Richter- gay gay homosexual gay- sorry Richter, but its true!

On a serious note. God his situation is tragic. Seeing his dead best friend in Emil- and still seeing fit to be nice to Emil, and help him out? Despite knowing that this is really ratatosk? Amnesiatically piloting a copy of his best friends body? Ow owow ow ow. That got to me when i was sixteen (still kinda gets to me tbh) why? Because he believed in Emil being Emil.

Im sorry, I just need a minute.

Aqua- another one I dont remember a tonne about. She was really loyal to Richter- even above his own desires at times iirc.

And now, for my absolute blorbo from this game...

Alice- my silliest little meow meow who has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG EVER FIGHT ME ABOUT IT!

(She has done everything wrong and i love her for it.)

I went fucking loopy for this girl when i was sixteen. Like, if she told me to jump off a cliff i woulda done it. I wouldve fought Decus for her heart in a heartbeat if. Yknow. I couldve ever stood a chance at winning lmao.

I did all her sidequests in a second playthrough. (Missed some time sensative ones in my first playthrough nooooo) and felt so bad for her when her backstory was revealed. I loved that sidequest where she gives an old lady from tetha hella medicine (iirc) because. It showed me just what she couldve been if only the world had been better towards her.

Shit, i even tried brainstorming some timetravel au fanfic with her when i was a teen. Glad that never got out of my head- i wouldve written it SO badly. (My writing when i was sixteen was SO SHIT OMG-)

I felt so bad for that final battle with them, where we had to kill her and Decus. And she realises she really did love him... tear my heart out too why dont you?!

I really need to replay this game honestly.

Decus- hes pretty cool honestly. I cant remember the most about him. I liked hearing his backstory. And he had a interesting character- prioritising Alice above any allegence he had to the vanguard. And yet- he played the punch clock villian. It was never personal if he had to attack Emil or Marta- just his job.

This is all ive got for now. One day i will replay it again. One day. I hope that answers your question!

#should this be in the main tags? if not lmk #because it does contain some analysis of characters #dotnw #summerly talks

[honeybeekao]

top 10 enstars

im gonna take this as meaning characters just know im giggling at this

1. rei - who's surprised? no one. his aura is alluring if youre not ritsu so i think im justified. also im mentally ill and he's mentally ill and ive decided we're mentally ill together. vampires with back pain and gay tendencies unite. he's such a kind creature there's so much love in his heart, and i wanna hug him!! i think people should pull him out of his coffin more, if only to make sure he's alright because god can he isolate. if you get me started on how rei feels about himself i'll start sobbing, he doesnt feel human due to being placed on the highest pedestal and othered his entire childhood and i just want him to feel worthy of love. also need him to recognize the love HE feels is real and not evil and he's not evil and OUGDHDHZJ rei's so sweet he's my favorite weirdo, i love him

2. oh god okay Madara - i actually cant pick between him and kaoru sometimes so these two are interchangeable. i think madara's like the most interesting character ever, theres something wrong with him BUT it isnt in the way that /he/ thinks. he isnt a monster and i think he deserves to be held gently. also he needs to wear a wedding dress and more flowy sleeves in my opinion he's sooo pretty he's beautiful he's gorgeous. his whole outlook on religion being disdain and sorrow is understandable, i think the conversation with kanata where kanata says "you cant say such things, you need to respect it even if it isnt real. because it's real to them" - i think it's a little profound. he doesnt wanna respect something predatory and dangerous and life threatening, not to mention the worst thing of all, it hurt KANATA. which madara will never forgivw or respect. fuck you fish cult

3. kaoruuuuuu - i adore kaoru my aro babygirl my lovely poor sad little man, do you think if someone asked to take a selfie with him he'd get flustered? i think so. actually just boosting his ego would be fun because you know he's so pathetic IM NORMAL ABOUT KAORU I SWEAR okay Okay i think he's really sweet and deserves the world. he's oblivious and that's okay. also i need him to fix izumi for me because im not doing that (yes i am but dont tell him or izumi) date plan is like my favorite story, i love his conversation with rei soooo much. he's a little gay. (he's very gay) kaoru doesnt understand girls he should talk to arashi. also transfem kaoru fandom where are youu

4. chiaki - sweetie lovely "only enstars character with morals" my wonderful little hero boy, i dont think i need any justification if you dont like chiaki i don't trust you /j. he makes me feel so many emotions, i think everything he's done is so impressive because at a point he was Terrified that he couldn't do anything that he reeeaaally wanted to do. but he got there, eventually. scrimbly of a guy, he's so silly i totally believe he ends up in the hospital every month and kanata scolds him for it . and kaoru tsks at him for it and they both love him this is what i'm saying. ryuseitai as a unit are here too because i adore them all with my entire heart

5. rinne - never thought he'd be here but i'm also glad he is despite his attitude flaws. he's a bitch and i love him!! he's fucking ridiculous sometimes like i love that it's canon he's pretended to be walking a runway because of his FS outfit. also his ways of getting things to work, while insane and good god why would you do that, it makes him so interesting. i cant believe this man exists in the enstars universe he's like an anomaly to me (oh did i mention he also has the "im not human" issue? all of my blorbos are ill) he's pretty. dont tell him that. or do, see what happens he probably needs to hear it. he feels he's disappointed hiiro already and so he avoids him which also makes me unbelievably sad. please hug your little brother he misses you. i promise you didn't disappoint anyone!!!

6. izumi - i joke that he's my problematic fav but i think what happened here is he has the perfectionism illness that leads to self destruction and mean approach to loving others. and i understand this on a level due to people in my life, i think he deserves a caring hand and should also get shoved a couple times. like once a year. i got obsessed with ironic blue and i Never went back im not sorry. ALSO HE'S SO EASY TO BOTHER i think kaoru should challenge him to more shit it's incredibly entertaining, those two <3 there's something wrong with him and He knows it and Everyone knows it, No One here is acknowledging it though!

7. kohaku - I LOVE KOHAKU he's so funny he's like an oddball but isnt an oddball and it's because he fucking grew up on the internet! i love that he treats his 2 units like a day and night job umm DOES HE EVER SLEEP? dear enstars dear cospro, he's 15 that isn't healthy. he makes me sad because he's still a kid and will continue to sorta be a kid because of growing up in such a Way. being locked away by your assassin family cannot do anything good for your mental health. i'm glad he has companions though, and i'm sure he at least has fun in idol stuff. how the fuck does he deal with rinne AND madara daily? i think i'd die. dealing with them in my head is already a nightmare sometimes /affection

8. keito - picking these is not difficult actually im having fun. KEITO HASUMI'S MY POOR LITTLE MEOW MEOW dear god i look at him in any given moment and go Awwwww........ 😰 i love him so much. how can you be so stuck up yet So prone to causing problems. it's so fucking funny he's a little embarrassing and i think is very easy to mess with. madara says he's taking kuro away to be a solo unit and keito flips his shit he feels SO betrayed, this poor guy. i would say he's gullible, but that one's more on the sense of He doesnt trust madara at all and can totally envision that being the truth, hey madara at least one person thinks youre capable!! <3 keito's so normal and so very unhinged all at once, i love his glasses and his intertwining story with eichi and rei, i love his unit. akatsuki my beloveds i really like all 3 of them dearly

9. ritsu - oh ritsu dear ritsu you make me so sad i dont know what to do with myself. he can't stand change because it feels like loss to him, cough cough thisll happen when your brother is gone cough, but his home in knights is everything. he's sooo smart and i love when he's content and happy. just chilling out, he deserves it and i think him sharing that with others is really sweet. i think ritsu should take more shared naps with people, all of knights should nap more!! especially tsukasa. him and mao are insane to me i havent looked into them too much so you arent getting analysis, but mao's very obviously important to him

10. natsume - i love this witch boy with all my heart, probably just as much as i love the transmasc hc for him. i think he's a fucking genius, i think he's gonna dominate the world with his powers, i think he's insane but he's too little to be scary. also war era makes me Cry, the other oddballs were protecting him from as much of the evil as possible, sobs weeps hits the pavement. switch are very important to me.. i Love natsume's design they outdid themselves when creating him, coolest hair Ever..i think he should've had fangs though. Give natsume fangs and a trans flag thank u

honorable mentions!!

kanata, arashi, niki, mayoi, hinata, souma, hokke, shinobu

#enstars #here u go my thoughts off the top of my head #rei sakuma #kaoru hakaze #madara mikejima #chiaki morisawa #izumi sena #rinne amagi #ritsu sakuma #natsume sakasaki #kohaku oukawa #keito hasumi #🐦 #top 10 #enstars tag

[mifhortunach]

2023 'overview'

The standard end of year post of course!

This year has both breezed by and felt absolutely endless, personally at least, and i feel like i accomplished nothing(!), but still, here's a round up of some stuff i enjoyed!?

MOVIES: as ever as always! I'm writing this a bit in advance, but i've deffo seen less movies this year than i did last year, tho i believe that i did manage to get out to the cinema way more than usual (tho, tbh, most often on my lonesome i think). I think i've felt the most divided on them this year; i liked a lot of stuff very VERY much! i also have felt so SO bored with a lot more things. i think i talked about having like. a matrix moment last year, nothing like that this year, tho a lot more of being like, 'well yeah, of course', or finally being able to recognise what a shot is, lol. Regardless, here are the movies i probably loved the most this year:

aftersun: all i talked about jan thru feb, need to watch it again. it looks great, its both fun & heartbreaking, and you KNOW i love the found footage side of it all - especially when it addresses that even when you have footage of 'objective reality' you just really cant know it all operation avalanche: as w aftersun, this shit gets at like ALL my interests! OpAv isn't a perfect movie, and i think the more u know about the production/etc the more obvious that becomes [i genuinely WOULD love to see/know more about the version that really did have the mole/romance plotline integrated, but lbr, that doesnt really exist]. ANYWAY!! i do think this is such an exciting film to watch, especially the movie making sequences, and i think the feeling of it all comes across so truly iygm. also, obvs, bc i love conspiracies unfortch the dirties: im sorry there's so much MJ on this list, short tho it is! but hey, these really took over my life for a month there lol. i still havent listened to the commentary w the real film critic, but i truly find this to be an airtight movie, the found footage stuff is so well integrated, justifying everything while also calling all intent/'reality' into question.. i do think someone could spend forever with it - its also funny & miserable! what more could u want (watch my fancam please) my house walkthrough: i genuinely just really like this!! ive said it before, but i genuinely just find it such an exciting watch, the bts just makes it so much cooler - what's sicker than repetition Hon Noms: la confidential: heat walked so this could run ! thirst: so much fun, i love vampire lovers who hate each other beau is afraid: too long, but i really liked most of this, v funny black tower: great example of doing smth so cool w very little

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books:

francis spufford, new sun series, chandler, mauretania

PODCASTS:

sfultra!!!: sean L@TDF finally returns to talk about sci-fi books! sean is one of the few critics i'll always keep up with even when i dont agree w him, & this show has been a real treat all this year - the patreon stuff is great as well - its introduced me to a lot of new stuff & crit, and its been good to hear from him again. if u listen to any of these, listen to this shelved by genre: really good, tho often we have different interests - got me to read a fair few more books this year! im not a games guy, and im mad behind on fatt, so its super nice to get to hear some austin biweekly anyway, lol. twioat (as ever): i was a bit trepidatious about this season starting off, but it's been so much fun, the fellas really knocked it out of the park. i loved hearing from some guests that we havent heard from in ages. this season on AJLT was also fuckin amazing, truly & really adored their coverage; possibly highlight of my summer?? toxic podcast: i almost certainly shouted this out last year, but it was nice to have this around again in the top half of the year!! ale has a letterboxd now & its fun to get to see just how many truly atrocious horror movies he does watch all the time. a true connoisseur

------------------------

pick’n’mix:

ntbts: its a such good show!! i've watched more tv than usual this year, but i love how this is done on almost every level. i apologised before for having so much MJ on this list & i stand by that!, but i do think that one of the best (practical) traits in his work is making difficult stuff look not only easy, but genuinely both fun & achievable. whens the movie going to drop??? (lol) getting into shirts: this genuinely was more of an accidental year long thing, starting w the ones i printed for lizzie back in jan/feb, but its been fun! finally got back some screenprinting experience, and i think u can really see some amping up of ambition & basic skill/practice. i do wanna do more in the new year, but am trying to engage with actual intended outcomes (and lbr, the storage issue lol), so we'll see

the sopranos!!: sometimes they really were right about good tv being good, who knew! so much funnier, weirder & depressing than i wouldve expected- honestly undersung at this point. also, it introduced me to a tonne of music lol

the blackberry soundtrack: unfortch i continue to be kinda mixed on the film, as much as i think on a technical level it's so super cool & well-made. i do really like the soundtrack tho!! i'm kinda iffy on some of its application in the actual film, but im a hater, so what can u do lol. the actual thing DOES rip tho

==========

this whole thing makes it look like i got a lot more done this year than i feel like i did lol. i feel like i had plans up the top but they really all came out in the wash//

i read an okay amount of books, but failed to get thru any piles

i watched more tv than usual this year, and saw id say, a midtier amount of movies, but way more new movies than usual

i moved for a bit! then moved back & got a worse job lol

there was a lot of work i didnt get finished.. i have stuff ive been meaning to edition since this time last year that i still havent gone back to.. that said, i think i did get some stuff done, finally actually did some stone litho(!!!!) & had some stuff up in a show or two

who knows,,, maybe ill finally get my shit together & 2024 could be my year - people say good things about being 26 right??? 😭😭😭

#ppp #....... #1111111111 #5555555555 #lb #2023movies #year in review

[slowjamastan]

My favorite color is green. I play violin, though not very well. I love dogs, and volunteer at an animal shelter. I'm into sci fi and my favorite author is Ursula K. LeGuin.  I also like Batman comics.

And I also happen to be a FTM transgender man.  What you folks would call a TIF.

Ever since I was 10, before i even knew why, I hated my body. For years of my life, I had daydreams of taking a kitchen knife to my chest and cutting off the breasts. I tried to kill myself twice.

That changed 3 years ago.  I realized I was trans and bought myself a binder.

When it's on, I feel relief. I dont think of the kitchen knife. I'm not too depressed to get out of bed.

But after 8 hours, I have to take it off.

I plan on getting top surgery so this relief can stay.

I should note- this isn't about sexism or anything of the sort. Both my parents were outspoken feminists, and I've been fortunate enough to always live in progressive areas.

This is about people. And if transitioning can keep people like me from killing themselves? I'm all for it.

you seem to be engaging in good faith, so im gonna take you serious and not just be a dick. but man, this is my blog where i have fun and post memes. i hate doing this and am annoyed u sent this at all. theres so many radfem blogs that love discourse and im sooo lukewarm, im radfem-adjacent at best. im a fandom blogger at heart bro. who tf are you lol

first of all i do not care about your life story. youre like "please please see me as a person, we kweer transes are real people, i hope you can understand that even though youre a horrible evil t*rf. im reaching out to u because i believe theres still good in ur heart uwu" you people r annoyinggg

its not like i lack empathy, i was dysphoric and suicidal for a whole decade of my life and mostly surrounded myself with people who felt the same. what changed for me is realizing that my internal feelings about the gender-flavor of my soul didnt mean a goddamn thing and werent worth dwelling on. im a person and my body is female. at first i still wanted to change myself. i switched to id-ing as transmed, i was ready to acknowledge that i was born a girl at least but i knew so strongly that i wanted to pass as male and that it would make me more comfortable in my body. i was completely sure i was a man.

now ofc body dysmorphia is different for everyone but i really think no matter how fucked up your brain gets about how you naturally look, changing your body with medical intervention isnt the best answer. theres so many side effects and complications with each transition step. taking T in a female body can really fuck you up medically. keep yourself informed about what youre doing and think about if theres less expensive and drastic ways to go about fixing what makes you uncomfortable about the way you're perceived. and not to be insensitive, but if you have a history of s*xual assault, that can also be a very real reason for disconnect from your secondary sexual characteristics and ive met enough people that struggle with that sort of ptsd that manifests as wanting to trans their gender that i would rly think about where the desire to become male comes from. it could be a lot of things, and it can feel so real and valid dont get me wrong—but could fade away with time and/or therapy, leaving you reverse-dysphoric about your changed body

committing to being a transsexual while young is a tricky thing. i trust youve already thought it through but goddamn i promise you everything in life changes so much all the time. maybe this wont for you! but it might!!! it did for me and thats terrifying!!!!! identifying as trans is very much the current "its not a phase mom!" thing that teenagers do and you cant convince me otherwise btw. this isnt to say genuine trans people arent real and dont exist. and medically transitioned people definitely do, bc its exploded in popularity. but most of yall are a joke to anyone with a brain sorry lol most people are humoring you guys but would never admit it. this is a fate i wouldnt wish on anyone. being trans is cringe. or it will be soon, trust me

tldr i desisted from being trans myself after a full decade of self-id, various pronouns, etc. so i know where youre coming from. then when i started anxiety medication it helped boost me out of that spiral, which if u havent gotten medicated for other underlying issues i suggest you look into before jumping into hormones/surgery. ive heard that ocd can make u obsess about breasts and want them gone and stuff like that. body dysmorphia in any flavor is a bitch! im wishing you the best anon

also, read some self help literature instead of just fiction. i recommend 7 habits of highly effective people by steven covey. i read this for college and it fr made me a more functional person when i was still FtM and deeply depressed

edit: for the record im not gender conforming to femininity now. i see that misconception a lot, and forget that most ppl dont know what radfem types actually believe. i dress however i want, i just am not delusional about how i want people to address me. im just a lesbian 🫶

#mail #post #this is a little incoherent but im trying to be honest with u brotha ok ur a man u can take it #t

[demadogs]

There’s this one blog on here that kinda weirds me out because they are so hyper deadest on shipping Foah together. Like whenever they write normal Byler posts, it’s so beautiful! But then, everything else idk. And I know a lot of us joke about Noah wanting to kiss Finn or vice versa but this blog gives off weird vibes because they seem to genuinely want Finn and Noah to date in real life. They also seem to make a lot of assumptions about their feelings for each other just because of their chemistry. And I don’t know how serious this blog is about it but it gives me Larry shipper vibes. Or like the Fack conspiracy all over again, which hurt Finn and Jack’s friendship at the time

oh my god im glad you brought this up i know exactly who youre talking about. every time i make a post telling people not to ship real people it was bc of that blog in particular. i have them blocked so im not afraid to talk about them. we’ve made jokes and memes about noah being the biggest byler shipper and wanting to kiss finn for byler and theyre mostly pretty harmless but this blog is just something else.

youre right, they make so many assumptions. it pisses me off and it does completely give me larry vibes. they talk as if they know finn and noah personally and theyre friends with them and have seen them interact. or like theyre an out couple like natalia and charlie. they usually respond to anons who call them out on it with something like “i dont ship foah, i just observe their interactions and anyone can see that they are crushing on each other”. that bothers me so much. like observe what the 5 minute press interviews?? you dont fucking know them. save your analyses for things that have been intentionally written and mapped out for FICTIONAL media, not two kid actors just being themselves. and then they’ll try to call the anons homophobic by being like “whys it such a big deal for noah to have a little crush on him??”, still fully talking as if its public knowledge and we’re the bad guy like oh my god how are you not understanding the issue here.

ive also noticed that they ignore anybody who tells them that finn has a gf. they just wont answer the anon (i know bc i have sent one) or ignore any replies about it. they live in this weird bubble where they choose to believe these real people are dating. and like ok i cant stop you from thinking theyd be cute together, theres nothing wrong with that, what makes it problematic is trying to read into their interactions and expressions and publicly suspect their relationship and sexualities on the internet. and again, they always try to be like “theres no harm in it im not directly @ ing finn or noah” but this is the internet. anybody can screenshot anything and put it anywhere. there is always a chance that either of them could see their posts and it could be so bad if they did. i dont think theyve ever once considered what it could be like to be finn or noah and see this.

like yes, there is a chance they’d just laugh about how ridiculous it is and move on but what if one of them actually was questioning their sexuality and then they saw some random person on the internet reading into it like this??? that would be so fucking hard. jack came out as bi after people were shipping him and finn so much. i cant imagine how anxiety provoking it would be to see what people were saying about him and finn while being in the closet. it gives ME anxiety on their behalf!! i hope so bad theyre blissfully unaware of this.

one anon told them that theyre using foah as a coping mechanism after byler didnt work out how they wanted in s4 and theyre so right. before vol 2 came out i saw maybe two posts from them in the byler tag about it that kinda weirded me out but after volume two they just turned into a foah blog instead of byler. they literally had byler in their url before and then they changed it to foah for fucks sake. and they still have the nerve to claim they dont ship them and what theyre doing is completely fine and just “observation”.

also i was looking at their blog once and they mentioned that they were 31 years old…. look it is not weird to ship byler at any age. i have personally as a 22 year old been told that its weird for me to ship byler and analyze these fictional characters and i completely disagree with that. theres nothing weird about shipping characters at any age even if the characters are kids (as long as youre not nasty about it) but real people??? god i would have been SO relieved if this person was like 15. i would not have gone as hard on them as i am right now if they were a kid because i would assume they would grow and eventually realize that its weird and invasive. i mean i remember reading stupid fanfics about youtubers when i was 14 but i grew and matured and realized how insane that is and no longer had any interest in reading into real peoples love lives. but i cannot excuse any adult shipping them like this.

god this ended up being so long i just had a lot to say. moral of the story: if actors have great chemistry on screen together it just means theyre good at their job, it doesnt mean theyre dating or crushing on each other in real life.

#this is one of the reasons i rarely am as invested in theorizing and analyzing a ship from a movie or show #theres always someone whos weird about it and wants the actors to get together #shipping book characters is so much more peacful they just exist in my head #byler #stranger things #man i really went off didnt i this is long as hell #eden answers

[swampwart]

its only been two hours!

if i dont bog myself down with work, i think of you

i cannot escape you, oh i really really dont want to

i wish that dream was real i wish it was fucking real

i cant forgot how you kissed me

i wish you kissed me

i love your lips, i miss when you'd stare at mine wheneber we spoke

i want you back and im so deeply ashamed about this

this is not what i thought it would be

breaking up was suppose to get rid of all these feelings

but now.i feel all of them, just without having you

i cannot have you in my heart like this

i cannot keep ranting to you in brain about jow horrible my emotional life is and how badly i just want to reach over, hold me, rub my spine again and tell me its all going to be okay with such raw confidence it was like god told you or something

ive never dreamed about anyone before, not even him

but you have entered my escape so vividly and in such detail i cannot ignore it

it tricks me into thinking its real life

like you were actually upset i ever made a joke about taking another man's name and you wrapped your arms around me when i told you w out prompt i was only jokinh

in my dream that didnt reassure you either

you asked me "are you crushing on anyone else right now?" and i giggled and said "noo" w a knowing eye and you got nervous and looked to the side and forced out a laugh "noo thats not okay, we need to find you someone" then you took me by the wrist and had me speak to a guy

all i could do was watch you while you laughed at everything he said, and i think i was just happy i was with you

(he didnt even have a face, yet i could see the peak of your cheekbone that causes the depression beneath your eye)

later on i went home w a beautiful girl, tough and thick in every aspect, in a sick way i cannot deny het beauty

she was into me, i think we wanted this to go somewhere,, her friend had set us up and were hung out alone in rug covered room with a mirror and magical beads,, and she spoke with a tough sarcasm that ive gotten used to over the years, i dont think i looked at her long

then you came in, light in your weight and smiling lile ive never seen. Im use to this i think, but something hurt inside so far down and so unimportantly, i just focused on that you were happy. And you began to recount to me the tome you had, laughing the whole time, and i asked you "are you drunk" and in your beautiful, biteless irony you said "nooo maybe judt a little champagne" and we laugjed anf i was so happy to be wuth you, giggling in out own language rven thoigh i hear you speak this way with everyone. In dream and now, shamefully for my own comfort, i will believe it is special when you do it with me

and you held my hand and played with my fingers while you pattered on, and swinging your head this way and that, and in a moments confusion we forgot who we were and you kissed me.

That moment convinced me this dream was real. Your lips left a session on mine that felt so real. I know i felt pressure, i know i did. At that moment,i was convinced it was because we really did kiss. Now i know itd because our last kiss, whenbeer that was, has not left my lips this whole time. That kiss we had, whenvef that was, has traveled through time and told me we are still in embrace.

i was left in a daze after that, and i heard you gasp and laugh and say "oh i forgot!" and take hold of my second hand. But i stared off, with a dopey smile growing all over my face. Thid whole dream I've felt so tired, my eyebags leading the way. But that kiss sparked rhe rest of my physical existence, and golden light rippled along my skin, into my brain, and swayed its way across my eyes. I heard angels singing, the muses, everything that comes witj a golden kiss. I was so happy. And i agreed with you and said "dont worry about it,"

latter on, the girl saw us and was less than impressed. You were layed across your back (your hair was parted in the most stunning way) and playing with my fingers. My exhaustion was back, but it did not matter to me when i was with you. And she asked what my boyfriend was doing here, and i told her "its complicated" while focused entirely on you playing with my hands.

And she told me she doesnt do cheaters, and i told her dont worry about it. I said before you walked into the room i had a boyfriend, so she assumed it was you. I told her "this isnt him," and it confused her more. She sat down and began to do her make up and in a distance, maybe even hurt, but still open manner. And i turned my attention away for a while, sadly my back to you, and i asked her if she knew what polyamory is. And she adjusted in her seat, squinting her eyes as she tried to think, then we spoke at the same time, it isn't / is it, "what the mormans do." I told her that was paligamy and involed religion and stuff we didn't jave here. She nodded along, confused, partly wanting to understand and partly wanting to leave, and i was fine with that.

Then i think someone walked in for you. I think it was him. And then you were gone. You where gone snd i think my dreamself felt there was no point to remember the dream anymore. Now ive woken up, sad, confused, happy, and feeling so stupid.

i cant decide if i want all of this to be real or not. I do, hell i want you so bad, its such a deep seeded need in me, i dont know what to do. But what the hell am i doing. what the hell am i doing. I have a boyfriend, but shit i think its getting rocky. Im makinh mistakes, he is too. And im so scared. And i just want comfort. Like a child i just want to be held and told itsnall going to be okay. And everytime i think about it, im always telling you. Im always telling you.

i miss you so much, i miss you more than anything