13 reasons why | reason no.6: they have quality supplies and ingredients
☆ characters: freelancer!vernon & supplier!you (Rina - ‘96 liner)
☆ genre: coffee shop au, angst
☆ summary: having differences in a relationship is normal, but Hansol and you look at your relationship a bit too differently
☆ words: 10,1k
☆ massive thank you: to @dat-town ♥ who always makes time for proofreading my stories. i don’t know what i would do without you
☆ taglist: @soobin-chois
➼ chapter index
When you had moved to the capital city, following in your older brother’s footsteps, you had thought that your college years would be the craziest years of your life. You hadn’t thought that one failed Cost and Inventory Control exam would bless you with the clumsiest culinary arts major in history or that said guy would stick by your side even after your graduation.
Before Kim Mingyu, you had been content with your mundane dreams: earning a position in your family business instead of getting one because of your mother, finding a nice, affordable apartment downtown where you didn’t need to share your personal space with your brother and his girlfriend, and settling down with a reliable guy once you expanded your clientele in Seoul, too. You hadn’t wanted much. You hadn’t wished for constant excitement and chaos to feel that you were living your life the right way, but you had gotten those anyway when Kim Mingyu had introduced you to his boss and the new friends he had made at his first full-time job.
You had first met Hansol after you had officially signed a contract with Seungcheol and you had become the shop’s fixed supplier for two years. He had been waiting for his best friend to finish his job interview in the back of the soon-to-be customer area, while you had been about to look for your own to show him the papers with the owner’s fancy stamp on them, when the baker had rushed out of the kitchen from behind the counter and dropped a tray of cookies on the boy’s table.
‘Come here! I want both of you to taste test these before I show them to Seungcheol hyung,’ Mingyu had said, beckoning you closer to their table with his pleading eyes and pouty lips. He had acted as if you had ever said no to him - you hated exercising, yet you had bought a monthly membership to the same gym he attended because he had needed someone who kept the touchy girls away -, when he had known better than anyone how much of a weakling you could be when it came to his wishes. Without his tiresome nagging and life-saver cupcakes, you wouldn’t have passed that damned exam in your second year with flying colours. And you also liked having him around as a friend.
He had introduced you to Hansol before you could have swallowed the first bite and forced a conversation on the two of you as though he had seriously doubted either of you had initiated anything if he hadn’t. You still weren’t sure whether the situation would have been less tense or awkward if you had just sat in silence, but in hindsight, you were grateful for that little extra push.
Because as funny as it was, despite how much you loved romantic gestures and how unsure he was when it came to showing affection, you had fallen for him quickly yet steadily. Your feelings for him in February had already been strong enough to give you courage to confess first, therefore you had poured your heart out to him on his birthday over half a year ago and received his biggest goofy smile in exchange for your words.
The hazy memory of your first kiss with Hansol warmed your heart despite the undeniable hardships in your relationship, hence you pushed the front door of Coffee Carat open with a bashful smile before you collected yourself and called for your best friend.
‘Kim Mingyu! I’m sorry I’m late. There was an accident on the highway,’ you shouted on your way to the storage room, hoping that he had already opened the heavy door for you, because you knew from experience that it was a lot trickier than the other one. That one time you had tried to open it with your arms full, your index finger had stuck between the door and the frame and you had had a bruise under your nail for months.
‘It’s okay, it’s only six minutes,’ Seungcheol reassured you from behind the counter, but you shook your head and kept walking. Luckily, your best friend decided to be merciful this time and met you halfway where he took the paper box out of your hands.
Shooting a grateful smile in his direction, you watched as he carried the fruit syrups to where they belonged, then looked around in the shop and wondered where the others could have been. There might have still been an hour until they opened Coffee Carat for the customers, but most of the time, the employees were already cleaning the customer area by the time you arrived.
You walked up to Seungcheol, but refrained from leaning your elbows on the counter to not give them more work than they had. It wasn’t that you thought you were dirty, but they were your first clients that day and you had come here from your parents’ company near Hwasun. The long drive and the unreasonably warm weather these past weeks made you feel as if you couldn’t have had enough showers a day.
‘Still, I prefer to be punctual. You’re my client now, Seungcheol, not my friend,’ you shook your head in a scolding manner with a small smile in the corner of your mouth.
Seungcheol put aside the 10.000 ₩ bills he had been counting and looked at you.
‘That’s disappointing. And a bit embarrassing considering the favour I was about to ask for,’ he claimed, giving more flavour to his words with a sad pout. It was painfully obvious that he was messing with you, but you took the bait anyway.
‘Oh?’ You let out a curious sound, leaning a bit closer to him over the counter, but before you could have asked for more details, Junhui and Seokmin came out of the staff only area and demanded a piece of your attention.
You couldn’t see it, but Seungcheol watched your interaction with the boys with a fond smile as you explained to them where to look for the boxes you had brought for them, then stepped to the coffee machine and turned it on. This time, you delivered basic ingredients, syrups and five sacks of roasted coffee beans. It was a relatively small order, but essential nevertheless.
When you turned back to Seungcheol, he placed a cup of iced latte in front of you, served in the recycled plastic cup you had brought for them a month ago. He clicked his tongue when you tried to fish your wallet out of your worn belt bag to pay for it, then leaned against the sink behind his back when you said: ‘Thank you.’
‘It’s nothing, so let’s get back to that favour,’ he started, linking his arms in front of his chest. You took a sip from your latte. ‘I’ve already told you about the extra order because of the free coffees we will serve for the customers, so it’s about the after party,’ he said with a sheepish smile, his gaze falling on his shoes for a couple of seconds before he cleared his throat and looked up at you. ‘I’m gonna propose after closing time. There will be shortcakes and gallons of iced tea. We would be happy if you came.’
To say it wasn’t the favour you had expected would have been an understatement. Heck. If it had been a real thing, your jaw would have definitely dropped to the floor the moment your brain processed what was going on. After being in a relationship for no longer than one year, Seungcheol was about to propose to his girlfriend. Your grip around the plastic cup tightened. You didn’t understand how he could sound so sure of his decision when it affected his whole life. And not just his, but Hoyeon unnie’s as well.
One year was barely anything. It flew by so quickly.
‘Are you sure about this?’ The question fell from your lips before you could have held it back and you felt horrible for sounding so doubtful when you had no right to question his timing. It wasn’t your relationship. As a friend, you should have been happy for him and promised him that you would be there.
‘Obviously. I mean…’ Seungcheol tried to come up with a reassuring reply, but got cut off in mid sentence when Mingyu walked up to you and bumped his arm into yours.
‘Oh come on, noona!’ He nagged, his tone similar to the one he always used when he was convinced he knew better. By now, you didn’t have to look at him to know he was rolling his eyes. ‘We are all friends even if you have a boss kink during business hours,’ he teased with a shiteating grin that indicated: he had overheard your conversation when you had called Cheol your client instead of your friend.
‘Kim Mingyu!’ You screamed, punching his upper arm for saying something so crude in front of another person. He knew damn well how much it irked you when someone talked about bedroom matters in public. ‘I was talking about the proposal.’
Your small voice brought down the mood in a matter of seconds. You wished you could have taken back what you had just said. Heck. What had happened to your filters all of a sudden? This wasn’t you.
It was frustrating, the awkward silence that slowly closed up your pipes and suffocated you. However, it was all on you, so you should have stopped feeling sorry for yourself and started doing something to make up for the damage you had done. You could only imagine how uncomfortable Seungcheol must have felt after he had taken such a low bow right in the guts.
‘Of course I am,’ the eldest spoke when your words have visibly failed both you and Mingyu. You couldn’t look him in the eyes, but you forced yourself to act like a decent human being. ‘I’ve liked Hoyeon since I first saw her in my clothes. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, Kkuma, and our future kids. I have no reason to wait another year or two,’ he claimed, and if you had wanted to be a hundred percent honest, you found his confidence admirable. You wished you could have been so sure about your own relation—
The moment you realised your real reason for acting like an insecure bitch, shame washed over your entire body, leaving nothing but regret in its wake.
‘You’re right, I crossed a line. I’m sorry,’ you apologised immediately, hoping that the little crack in your voice didn’t take away from your sincerity.
Your friends exchanged a worried glance, then shifted their focus on your clearly frustrated figure. It was rare that you apologised so soon even when you were in the wrong - they had seen you avoid Hansol for a week when he had forgotten your birthday although you had never told him when it was or whether you had taken the date off your social media platforms because you didn’t like celebrating it -, and while they appreciated the gesture, your actions were uncharacteristic hence concerning.
Feeling uncomfortable under the spotlight, you bit into your left cheek from the inside.
‘It’s okay. I know it sounds rushed, but we’ve already talked about the future with her. I’m confident,’ Seungcheol said, his tone reassuring for which you were ridiculously grateful. It would have destroyed you if you had ruined his happiness. Especially because you knew how he looked after everyone around him, how amazing of a father he was for his puppy, and how much he adored everything about his significant other (even her flaws). If anyone was ready for this enormous step from your friends, it was him. And you really, truly wished him all the good things in the world.
‘I’m happy for you,’ you said, this time, with a lighter heart.
The elder’s carefree chuckle filled the cracks your bitter question had left on your friendship and set your messed up life straight. You reciprocated his gummy smile with your own.
‘Good. Then show up and celebrate with us,’ he replied, shooting one last smile at you before he turned back to the cash register, placed the bills into the right compartments, and walked back to his office.
Taken aback by the elder’s nonchalance, you stood in front of the counter with slightly parted lips until you noticed your best friend’s eyes on you and his silence pulled you back to reality. You turned towards him and raised a brow.
‘What?’
‘He will propose on their anniversary. It’s the kind of thing you’re a sucker for,’ he pointed out, rightfully so. The two of you knew each other for years. He had seen you swooning over cheesy couples on Valentine’s Day, crying because of the sappiest romantic comedies in his Netflix history, and he had witnessed you falling head over heels for fictional characters due to forehead kisses and backhugs.
Getting proposed to on an anniversary? It should have made you weak in the knees.
‘It took me off guard,’ you defended, but one look at your friend’s face was enough to know he didn’t believe you. Stupid Kim Mingyu and his ability to read you like an open book. ‘Just drop it. I’m happy for them.’
Mingyu opened his mouth to tell you something - most probably, to throw a prying question at you because of your behaviour -, but Junhui and Seokmin chose the exact same moment to come up to him and ask him about the cupcakes in the oven, so you used this opportunity to take your leave.
With your lukewarm iced latte, you reminded the boys of your other deliveries, then waved and walked out of the shop. You tried not to think of the lingering awkwardness or your best friend’s worried albeit suspicious eyes on you.
You weren’t ready to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Because once you did, you knew you would need to talk to Hansol about your insecurities, too; and the mere thought of telling him how damn uncertain you were about where your relationship was heading felt too much to handle.
You didn’t want to hurt him.
And you sure as hell didn’t want to suffer the consequences. What if he had broken up with you?
In the next couple of days, you successfully avoided Mingyu’s interrogation. However, it was as clear as day that your thoughts were slowly poisoning your mind. You were stressed, and nothing seemed to be able to soothe your nerves, not even the quality time you spent with the guys.
‘And then Miri threw away the second straw so that we had no other choice but to drink the milkshake with one. She said she saw it in a kdrama, but I called bullshit. I know for a fact that Nam Joohyuk’s character in Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bokjoo got rid of the second drink, not the straw!’ Seungkwan claimed while he recited the happenings of his latest date with his girlfriend. Or was it about his first date with her? You didn’t pay enough attention to tell.
‘You could have asked for an extra straw at the counter. I’m sure they would have given you one for free,’ Chan reasoned; and you nodded along with his words on instinct, although your gaze was stuck on the strawberry-chocolate shortcake on your plate. It had no whipped cream between its layers this time because Mingyu knew you didn’t like its taste, and he had baked a full tray with you in mind.
You wondered whether it was his way of bribing you.
‘You aren’t listening.’ Hansol’s statement came as a whisper, and from the other’s reaction, it was clear that you were the only one who had heard him.
You shrugged and cut off a smaller bite from the dessert with your fork.
‘I’m sure it’s not the only time we will hear about these details,’ you retorted just as quietly.
What you really wanted to say, however, was that you would have loved to go on a date like that. But you couldn’t make yourself say those words even when it was just the two of you, so it was impossible with your friends around. You opted for silence.
Your body tensed when Hansol pulled his chair closer to yours and slid his big palm on your nape. It wasn’t romantic. On the contrary, you had seen him do this numerous times already when one of his closest friends was upset. Yet, the small circles his thumb drew on your skin and his closeness brought you comfort nevertheless.
You let out a sigh and lifted the next bite on your fork in front of his mouth, smiling back at him when he pulled the dessert off of the cutlery with a goofy grin.
He didn’t have to spell it out for you, you could tell from one glance that he wanted you to know that whatever bothered you wasn’t the end of the world. And deep down you knew he was right. Because at moments like this, your doubts were nowhere to be found. You could see yourself in a happy relationship with him for a long, long time.
Taking advantage of your boyfriend’s touchier moments, you sucked in your lower lip and leaned your head on his shoulder. It felt nice when instead of tuning into a stone under you, he adjusted his hand on your nape and held you still with his palm on your side.
‘I’m here,’ he whispered into your hair, making you smile so brightly, not even Seungkwan’s “I know what you’re doing” glances could ruin your mood. You put an end to the younger’s teasing with a pseudo-annoyed eye roll, then shoved a forkful of strawberry shortcake into your mouth and fed Hansol again.
Because seriously, this was all your heart needed to be put at ease. A little bit of affection and a few reassuring words that you weren’t the only one who cared.
The closer Seungcheol and Hoyeon’s anniversary got, the more stressed you became, but because of the current expansion of your clientele, everyone assumed that you were worried about your unusually big orders and how you would complete them in time.
Everyone, except Kim Mingyu.
‘You know I won’t hurt him just because you’re fighting again,’ he said when you walked into the coffee shop’s kitchen after closing time, yet failed to tease him because of the mess he had made with the flour while he had been preparing some overnight dough for the next morning. Keeping eye contact, you raised a brow in question, but remained silent with your shoulder leaned against the wall. You were too tired to make guesses, especially because you were afraid that you would have talked about two different things if you had. ‘Just because most people think I’m a himbo, I’ve got the brains. The proposal. It’s because of him that you’re not as enthusiastic about it as you otherwise would be,’ he gave you context, his tone neutral, but the furrow between his brows screaming concern.
Your shoulders dropped as you sighed. You should have known that he hadn’t forgotten about your awkward reaction to Seungcheol’s invitation.
‘We’re not fighting,’ you stated plainly, because in your dictionary, none of your arguments with Hansol fitted that category. It was never about screaming and putting the blame on each other with him. When your opinions and ideas didn’t match, sooner or later you talked them out calmly, then moved forwards as one. The both of you would have rather given space to the other instead of hurting them with words you didn’t mean. This was why it was so hard to confront him about your recent insecurities. Because the moment you brought them up, he would inevitably get hurt. ‘I just don’t get it.’
You didn’t understand how Seungcheol and Hoyeon were so sure of their relationship or how it could be so different from yours when you loved Hansol just as much. Was it because you spent less time together? But you still saw each other in person at least once or twice a week; and you also had your endless conversations on kakao. He knew more about what was going on in your life than your brother and you lived with the latter.
‘Do you want him to propose, too?’ Your best friend asked, making you choke on air with his question.
‘I thought you said you’re smart,’ you scoffed, unsure whether you should have laughed at him or punched him in the face for assuming something so ridiculous. You might have been a romantic at heart, but you definitely weren’t ready for marriage.
Mingyu rolled his eyes and turned back to his notebook where he jotted down numbers like the amount of cakes and baked goods they had failed to sell that day from each type.
‘Well, you’re confusing,’ he grumped, coaxing a genuine albeit weak chuckle out of you with his childish retort.
To show Mingyu how much you appreciated his friendship, you pushed yourself away from the wall and walked up to the table he was working on. You grabbed a food container and a pair of plastic gloves, then put those desserts in it that he had already counted. You worked in silence for a couple of minutes before he asked:
‘Hey, are you two alright, though?’
Were you? You couldn’t tell for sure. You had little to no relationship experience outside of your current one with Hansol. And while you had heard about your best friend’s girlfriends through the years and you could also see how your friends acted with their significant others around, you were too self-conscious to ask for their advice. Was it normal that you hadn’t kissed your boyfriend since you had confessed? Should you have held hands more? Were you allowed to hug him in public even when it wasn’t him who initiated PDA?
You felt like most high schoolers could have answered these questions, and it was frustrating that unlike them, you couldn’t.
‘He said he’ll walk me home,’ you spoke up eventually, closing another container of sweets in the meantime.
You had come to Coffee Carat after your last delivery because Hansol had wanted to ask for your opinion on the SNS game he had come up with for the coffee shop’s anniversary. The two of you had customised them for different platforms - not just for Instagram, which was his original idea - while you had been munching on brownies; and once you had no more creative energy to spare, you had decided to take a detour to his favourite non-stop vinyl and CD shop a corner from your place. You planned to take notes for future gift ideas since you had already bought him funny socks for his birthday. Buying another pair for Christmas would have been lame.
‘Thanks for the brownies,’ you said when you filled the last container and grabbed one from the top of the pile.
Smiling at the face Mingyu made - he knew you had come to the kitchen because of the free food they gave away to their friends after closing time, you really didn’t understand why he still feigned annoyance whenever you did this -, you patted his shoulder and turned your back to him. You were already near the doorstep when his words reached you and stopped you in the tracks.
‘It’s cliché, but it’s a good one: you should tell him if something’s bothering you,’ he said and you hummed in contemplation.
‘It’s silly,’ you came to the same conclusion again. This resurfacing uncertainty you felt could have easily been only in your head. Was it really worth a confrontation that could lead to you hurting Hansol?
‘No, it’s not. It’s bothering you, so it’s important,’ your best friend claimed, his effort to make you see that you shouldn’t have dealt with your inner struggles alone warming your chest. It meant a lot to you: that he saw your internal conflicts and offered more than just to listen.
You stole a glance at him from above your shoulder and smiled.
‘Good night, Mingyu,’ you said, waving at him with your empty hand until he reciprocated the gesture and wished you the same.
On your way to Hansol, you recalled Mingyu’s advice at least a dozen times, but you failed to muster up your courage. However, you told yourself that it was fine because changing one’s way of thinking was a difficult task.
What mattered was that you felt a bit less hesitant when you thought of confrontation and that you had fun with Hansol on your semi-impromptu date. Success was all about baby steps.
You had never seen as many people at Coffee Carat as many you did on its anniversary; and you had already attended the grand opening a year ago and had many opportunities to see the crowd during holiday seasons and peak times.
Once the initial shock wore off, you fished your phone out of your bag and opened your chat with Hansol so that you could send him a picture of the mass and all those people who had their own portable cup in their hands. It seemed his posts on social media had reached a lot of people this time as well, and you felt really proud of him - and low-key worried about the coffee shop’s daily income, but that was Seungcheol’s problem, not yours. Who had told him to give out free coffee for an entire day to everyone who came by with their own thermos? You could have bet, he hadn’t expected so many participants.
Amused, you stood in the line with your own cup and bought an extra slice of carrot cake to support your friend’s business. It was already past nine thirty, so you hoped you would find someone familiar in the customer area that was in serious lack of empty tables.
‘Chan is in the back with Miri and the ‘95 gang,’ Yeseo informed you with one of her bright smiles as she pointed at tables the guys had pushed together for their enormous group. Now that you were observing them from afar, they didn’t seem that hard to notice.
‘Thank you,’ you replied nevertheless before you took your iced latte from her and grabbed your cake with your other hand.
Anxious wouldn’t have been the best word to describe how you felt while you were walking towards your friends and close acquaintances, but the symptoms were similar. Your heart was beating like crazy and your skin was clammy around your cup. You wished you could have arrived with Hansol, but he was working with Jihoon on something mysterious and you knew better than to disturb those two in the studio. Damned Kim Mingyu and his need to handle the kitchen by himself on such an important day when you knew Seokmin had offered him his help. You would need to talk to Seungcheol and ask him to consider hiring another baker, because your best friend loved his busy job too much to complain to his boss and Seokmin couldn’t work too many days beside his masters. Hell, Mingyu should have finished for the day three hours ago. Actually, he had been supposed to meet you at around five, but all you had gotten were a couple of text messages: a pouty selfie, a cancelled dinner date, and a promised free boba on his next day off.
‘Here! Sit with me,’ you heard Miri call for your name when you were about to take a seat between Chan and Jeonghan. You furrowed your brows in confusion, but complied with her wish nevertheless. ‘Believe me, you’ll thank me later.’
Since you had never hung out with the whole group at once, you weren’t familiar with their different dynamics; thus you chose to accept Miri’s explanation and didn’t ask any questions.
The answer came to you soon after, anyway, in the form of the blonde man’s obsession with their maknae and his failed attempts to make his girlfriend jealous in the process. You didn’t know why he would have assumed that Yoohyeon would be bothered by him calling Chan his baby over and over in front of everyone, because if anyone, it was the young boy who seemed to be on the verge of throwing fists by the time you finished your dessert.
And while you were genuinely worried about Jeonghan’s physical well-being (and Chan’s mental health) at certain points during their conversation, at least time flew faster in their company. You didn’t even have to talk too much to feel included.
Hansol and Jihoon got to the closed shop when the guys finished rearranging the tables that were forming a semicircle in the back of the customer area. A part of you wanted to walk up to them and greet your boyfriend with a peck on his cheek, but you quickly brushed aside the idea because of how many people were waiting for Seungcheol to come out of his office and ask the big question.
Instead, you waved him from beside Miri and Seungkwan, and waited patiently until his steps came to a halt on your side.
‘Did we miss anything important? Agrr, we totally lost track of time, but we finished the first demo of the title track,’ Hansol said, his half-apologetic, half-excited gaze shifting from his best friend to Miri before it landed on you.
‘Nothing important. Hyung is in his office with Hoyeon noona. They should come out soon,’ Seungkwan said at the same time you explained:
‘Seokmin and Joshua are in the kitchen with Mingyu. They’re waiting for Seungcheol’s sign with the shortcakes.’
Right on cue, the love birds walked out from the staff only area, surprise evident on Hoyeon’s face as her lips parted slightly and her eyes grew twice their size. Since you were aware that she had known about the proposal, you had assumed that she had known about the details as well. However, the yelp that left her throat when she noticed Seungcheol on his knee made it obvious that she wasn’t expecting anything.
‘Hoyeon-ah…’
‘Yes! Oh my God, Cheol! Yes, I’ll marry you,’ Hoyeon exclaimed before she dropped on her knees in excitement and wrapped her hands around her boyfriend’s neck. The sight was truly heart-warming.
‘Yah! Honey, I had a whole speech. Why are you like this?’ Seungcheol whined, lips pouty, but arms firm around his lover. It was clear even from a distance that he was too content to be upset about the girl’s unexpected reaction, which meant that the guys could finally bring in the dessert.
As you watched Seungcheol while he put the engagement ring on his girlfriend’s finger, you joined the rest of your friends and clapped your hand enthusiastically, giggling at the hollers and ridiculous good-luck wishes that filled the atmosphere. You were happy to be present in their lives at such an important moment and made a mental note to compensate Seungcheol for your initial reaction. After today, you knew he wouldn’t have refused to receive an extra sack of roasted coffee beans for free when you delivered his next order.
Trying not to be the first person who jumped on the shortcakes, you waited patiently for the others to walk up to the counter, then pulled on Hansol’s hoodie to urge him to move.
‘Congratulations,’ you smiled at the happy couple as soon as you got near them, then pulled them in an awkward semi-hug to whisper your own wishes in their ears. You wanted them to be happy and live a long and healthy life. You were a cliche romance book on two legs; you told everything to them that old people told young couples in love.
‘Thank you. We’re happy you came,’ Seungcheol said as soon as he pulled away, then ruffled your hair with affection and gave more space to his fiancée to do the same. They were so touchy, you once again wondered whether this was what was missing from your relationship with Hansol.
You quickly brushed aside the idea before it could have ruined your mood. This night wasn’t about you or your boyfriend. It was about your friends and their future life together.
But then, when you finally reached the counter, you noticed how every couple in the coffee shop looked cosy in each other’s company. Even Minghao’s arms were hanging around his girlfriend’s frame while they were talking with Jun and munching on their separate desserts. Was it so bad that you wanted the same?
Sure, you understood that Hansol wasn’t a big fan of PDA - and honestly, you weren’t, either -, but he had his moments, too, when he nuzzled closer to you in public and tonight was a big step in your friends’ life. The lingering mood around you was more romantic than on any Valentine’s Day or White Day could have been (holidays that were supposed to celebrate love yet you had willingly skipped both to not come off as too pushy).
You refused to believe you couldn’t have a cute relationship, too. Therefore, when you saw Seungkwan stealing another kiss from Miri’s whipped cream-coated lips, you decided to be a little braver and stood on your tiptoes to press a chaste peck on Hansol’s cheek.
Pulling away, there were a couple of scenarios in your head that you expected. The hopeless romantic in you anticipated a cheek or forehead kiss in return; the pessimist thought he would lean down to your ear and ask you whether everything was alright; a realistic part of you was sure he would turn into a blushing statue and completely forget to react in any other way.
As you were fidgeting with the hem of your shirt, you came to the conclusion that the third and most likely option wasn’t so bad after all, but then your boyfriend turned towards you with his entire body and the look on his face tugged on your organs; you felt nauseous.
‘Why did you do that?’ He asked, genuine confusion lacing his words. He had looked exactly the same when you had won him a keychain with the claw machine on your second date on your first try. The memory would have made you smile on any other day, but this time, your lips were pressed together into a pale, firm line.
‘What do you mean, why? Because I’m your girlfriend?’ You retorted, cheeks a few shades darker because of the sudden attention the ones nearest to you gave you. You hated how your statement sounded more like a question, but what had been done had already been done. You had to deal with it like an adult.
Hansol tilted his head and narrowed his eyes with a hint of a smile in the corner of his mouth. It was a facial expression you were familiar with, yet it brought you no comfort. You wished you could have backed out of the situation before the inevitable happened, but one look at the playfulness in his eyes was enough to make you realise: it was too late.
‘Since when?’ He asked, triggering your deepest insecurities with his careless question. You knew he didn’t know about your fears regarding your relationship. You also knew that it had been you who had decided to keep them a secret. However, his inconsideration didn’t hurt less from the additional knowledge.
You scoffed and rolled your eyes as some sort of defence mechanism. If he wanted to make a joke of your relationship in front of your friends, you could join in the fun. You could keep pretending for a little longer that it wasn’t a big deal.
You would need to talk to Hansol about your doubts in private, though. Because Mingyu was right, it was long overdue. You should have never let things get this far. It didn’t matter that you hated confrontation so much, the mere idea made you nervous.
‘Very funny, Hansol. Since your birthday, obviously,’ you replied with pseudo-nonchalance while you reached out for another shortcake just to do something, anything other than staring at him with your limbs frozen. You felt utterly pathetic.
The situation got more embarrassing when you took a small bite from the delicious dessert and noticed the heavy silence that fell on your group. It wasn’t only your closest friends who were paying attention to your conversation anymore; it was everyone except Yeseo who was sleeping with her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder and Yoohyeon who was casually sipping on her black coffee next to them.
You clenched your jaw when your gaze met your best friend’s, then turned to your boyfriend, irritated. You were angry with him because he had chosen the worst reaction to your cheek kiss. But you were also angry with yourself because you should have known better than to press your lips against his skin in front of everyone.
‘What?’ You spat, pale fingers squeezing the shortcake too much to not leave a mess on your hand.
Hansol’s face was expressive. You could pinpoint the exact moment the seriousness of your conversation hit him just by looking at it. You couldn’t decide who you should have felt more sorry for: him or yourself.
‘Wait! Are you serious?’ He asked, eyebrows furrowed and movements uncertain. Hansol’s arms fell back by his sides with a half-eaten shortcake in his dominant hand, while his right leg jerked eagerly, but didn’t move forward to lessen the distance between the two of you.
Staring at him, all you could think about was: damn, this idiot got both the look and the talent to become an actor.
‘No one’s laughing, Hansol. Quit it!’ You reprimanded, not understanding his purpose. What did he want to gain with this nonsense? You could have seen the reasons behind his actions if anyone had found his performance funny, but based on the deafening silence, they were just as dumbfounded as you. (Although you were too afraid to meet their eyes to check it. What if they were all grinning and smiling at your misery because it was a prank?)
You would have never thought that you would have ever wished to be pranked as much as you did when you noticed the undeniable seriousness in your boyfriend’s chocolate orbs. His lingering gaze closed your windpipe; you felt dizzy as though there wasn’t enough oxygen in the coffee shop to keep you alive.
‘Do you not remember when I confessed? Our first kiss right after?’ You asked urgently. You couldn’t shake off the feeling that you were running out of time. Your boyfriend was looking at you like you were speaking a different language. You swallowed the bile in your throat and balled your empty fist. You couldn’t believe it… this wasn’t happening. It couldn’t. ‘We fell asleep cuddling!’ You claimed desperately, panic evident in your voice.
‘I’m… I…’
‘Oh my God! Are you kidding me right now?’ You were laughing hysterically at that point. It didn’t take too long for your chuckles to turn into quiet sobs. You couldn’t cry, not in front of so many people, but this just made you more frustrated.
By then, your nails had dug tiny, crescent-shaped holes into your palm and the shortcake in your other hand. Both of your arms were trembling slightly and your heart was beating so frantically, you felt your pulse in your whole body. You were an idiot. You were delusional. And on top of these, everyone in your friend group became aware of your ridiculousness on the same night you did.
You had never felt so humiliated in your life and you were best friends with Kim Mingyu. He had given you secondhand-embarrassment in public so many times since university that you didn’t have enough fingers to count them all.
You felt your best friend’s presence before you caught a glimpse at him in your periphery, but you were too upset to find comfort in his hand on your shoulder blade. If anything, it blurred your vision and urged your tears to run down your crimson cheeks. So you pushed him away and shut out your surroundings as much as you could. You needed to grab your jacket and backpack before you left. You couldn’t use public transportation or enter your place without your card and keys.
You had to get your jacket. You needed your backpack. Then, you could finally, finally walk out of this hell.
You were already at the chair where you had left your belongings when your boyfr… when Hansol got himself out of his stupor and marched up to you.
‘Wait! Please, it’s not that I don’t like you. I just thought… so I thought that Seungkwan was teasing me whenever he called you my girlfriend,’ he pleaded, making you wonder whether he realised the damage he was doing with his clumsy excuse. He phrased his words so poorly, it caused you physical pain to listen to him.
He might have thought he liked you; maybe he did like you to an extent. However, he had no idea how much he hurt you in the process and you were at your limits.
You scoffed with the intent to mock. As much as you loved him, you wished you could stop caring so much, because it was draining. You were sure you would need days if not weeks to recover from this disaster.
‘Amazing, Hansol. Very comforting, really. Just what I needed to not feel like a fucking joke anymore,’ you groaned as you secured your trembling fingers around your belongings and pushed the boy out of your way.
You didn’t bother to bid your goodbye to anyone; you didn’t even realise that you were still holding onto your half-eaten shortcake until you opened the door and the creamy dessert collided with the handle.
You power walked towards the subway station as though you were afraid that Hansol would follow you; in reality, you knew damn well he wouldn’t.
If it wasn’t for Kim Mingyu’s long legs and sheer determination, no one would have been able to catch up with you before you disappeared at the underground station. But with him as your best friend, you didn’t have to be alone amongst hundreds of people when the first tears ran down your cheeks. He held you against his chest and stroked your hair gently even when you tried to push him away.
That night, Mingyu took you back to his apartment after you admitted you didn’t want to face your brother and his girlfriend in such a messy state. He helped you wash your hand in his kitchen and fed you with warm pasta before he deliberately took the couch and let you sleep in his bed.
If it had been up to you, you would have avoided Coffee Carat and its vicinity just as eagerly as you were still avoiding your friends’ texts and phone calls since that disastrous anniversary afterparty, but life didn’t work like that. You had a job, you had a loyal clientele you couldn’t afford to lose, and you needed money to pay your bills just like everybody else.
Three days after the worst day of your life, these were the main reasons why you showed up at the coffee shop exactly one hour before opening time. You were sweating like crazy, your lower lip hurt from the intense amount of chewing you had built into your daily routine in the past few days, and your weak heart almost fell into your stomach when your gaze landed on Seungcheol who was checking the amount of change in the cash register with the same ease he did it almost every day. (When he stayed until closing time, he usually arrived at the shop later, thus this task was entrusted to the place’s manager, Wonwoo.)
‘Morning,’ you broke the awkward silence with a more awkward greeting, unable to hold eye contact with your friend despite his smile that was devoid of pity. He acted as though that night had never happened and while you were grateful for his consideration, you didn’t know what to do with it. You had thought he would be different.
Once again, you felt ashamed because of an assumption you should have never made. Would you ever learn the lesson?
‘Good morning!’ He reciprocated your greeting as he placed a cup of iced latte on the counter and tilted his head in the kitchen’s direction. ‘Mingyu came in early to try this new brownie recipe he got from his grandma. He asked me to tell you, he needs you to taste test them,’ he informed you with another warm smile before he gave you the needed space and turned back to the cash register.
There were no words descriptive enough to convey how grateful you were for these amazing people in your life. But you were too scarred to initiate a hug because an unreasonable part of you blamed everything miserable in your life on PDA. Obviously, you knew that Mingyu’s cuddles and Seungkwan’s hugs had done nothing wrong, but you wanted to refrain from both and more in the near future. Just until you got over the phantom feeling of public humiliation. Just until you could laugh at the memory without a knot in your throat.
‘Thank you, Seungcheol,’ you mumbled bashfully once your steps came to a halt in front of the counter and you could wrap your fingers around your favourite cold beverage.
You were aware that Mingyu’s grandma was an amazing baker; you also knew that she was pretty secretive when it came to her recipes. Sipping on your drink, you wondered what had your best friend done to persuade the old woman to give away something so valuable to her. Had he finally agreed to go on a date with one of her friends’ single granddaughter?
This thought made you snort. Mingyu hated blind dates more than he hated burnt cupcakes. And last time you had taken over his kitchen, he had refused to try yours even though they were only slightly overbaked.
‘Hm, they smell delicious. Did you sell your soul for the recipe?’ You entered the kitchen in a lighter mood, making a mental note to answer a few of those messages you had received from your friends now that you knew they didn’t necessarily look at you differently because of what had happened. So what if you had been in an imaginary relationship for half a year with their other friend? It didn’t mean you were less.
None of them was insensitive enough to imply you were a delulu, right? Right. Still, if they had done so, you could have always revoked their friendship card. Losing them would have surely hurt, but you didn’t need people in your life who judged you for an honest mistake. No matter how stupid that mistake was.
‘No,’ Mingyu protested immediately, teeth sinking into his lower lip in concentration. Your best friend bent over the brownies like he was decorating those desserts in the lovely yet messy home of the seven dwarfs, but you found him too endearing to tease him for it. You also loved brownies with all your heart. ‘But I told grams about your horrendous break-up and she made me promise I would bake you a tray from all your favourites,’ he confessed, shooting an apologetic smile in your direction when your eyes narrowed in on him.
‘Good to know your high morals have nothing against taking advantage of your best friend’s misfortune,’ you grumped, contemplating whether you should have thrown hands or stolen a full tray of chocolate brownies as compensation.
The closer you walked to the traitor, the more you salivated because of the heavenly smell of sugar and cocoa powder.
‘Don’t act like you wouldn’t kill for her brownies. Or her muffins. Or her cinnamon cookies,’ he retorted with an affectionate eye roll before he pushed a decorated slice in your mouth.
Munching and humming like a happy chipmunk, you lifted your hands in surrender. Mingyu was right. If you had known this was all his grandma needed to share her secrets, you would have broken your own heart years ago. These were luscious.
Since you had some time on your hands before your next delivery and the guys usually took care of the boxes in the trunk, you decided to wait for the next tray that was still in the oven, thus you took a seat by the table Mingyu was working on. You even offered your help with the icing, but he called you talentless and lacking a better argument, you darted your tongue out as a response.
It was like any other morning at Coffee Carat with Kim Mingyu, which lulled you into a fake sense of security. His stupid comments on your sweet tooth and unusual willingness to avoid the Hansol topic tore down those walls that had been guarding you in the past days and made you completely vulnerable to said boy’s soft knocks on the door frame.
At first, you thought it was Seungkwan or Junhui and that they were looking for either of you because of the supplies they had to carry to the storage room, but when the repetitive sounds were followed by silence and you snapped your head towards the newcomer, you wished you wouldn’t have been stuck in a room with only one exit: the same one Hansol was currently blocking with his body.
You swallowed the brownie in your mouth and turned back to your best friend with pleading eyes. However, Kim Mingyu’s gaze was suspiciously focused on an already decorated piece of dessert and the yellow icing he was still pressing atop of the poor cupcake.
‘Traitor,’ you spat, tempted to reach out for your iced latte just to pour the rest on the top of his head, but that would have caused a big mess and you didn’t want your clumsy (ex-)friend to die after slipping on a small pond of coffee in his beloved kitchen.
Left with an ugly scar after the last time you had confronted someone, you soon came to the conclusion that you weren’t ready for another fight. Hence, you grabbed your iced latte a bit too firmly and marched towards the door with your eyes fixed on the floor. You knew Hansol, he wouldn’t corner you against your will. He would let you leave.
You needed him to let you leave. But he didn’t.
‘Could we talk?’ The boy asked when your shoulder bumped into his and your steps came to an abrupt halt. You frowned; you clearly didn’t know him well enough.
‘What’s there to talk about? I have nothing more to say to you,’ you retorted with the intent to put an end to your conversation as soon as possible. Out of the two of you it might have been you who were older, but you were still allowed to act immature sometimes, weren’t you? You might have been the one who had misunderstood the nature of your relationship, but he had been the one who had made a joke of your assumption in front of everyone. In your opinion, your defensive reaction was justified.
‘Then could you just listen? I have a lot to say actually,’ Hansol pleaded, his lost puppy eyes playing on your heartstrings. It was unfair: the effect he had on you after everything.
Your fingers turned pale around the plastic cup in your hand. It had been easier to ignore him when he had been calling and sending you texts about how sorry he was. Now, with his body mere millimetres from yours, you felt rather conflicted. Should you have listened? Should you have denied his request? If you had been in his shoes, your thoughts would have driven you nuts if you couldn’t have spoken your mind.
You let out a defeated sigh.
‘Two minutes. And we will talk outside. I don’t want this traitor to eavesdrop. He might sell any information for a bag of sour gummy bears,’ you gave an ultimate, coaxing a scoff out of Mingyu with your ridiculous answer.
‘Rude,’ your best friend groaned, but you just shrugged. Sure, it was a low blow, but it was well-deserved.
Hansol took a small step to the left to let you show him the way and you led him to the back of the customer area where you took a seat at a random table close to the coffee bean stickers. From there, you could see the guys carrying the boxes and sacks you had brought, but to your luck, no one was paying attention to you, thus your heart had one less reason to worry about. Not that Hansol’s closeness didn’t affect its speed already. God. You could feel its drumming in your ears, which meant they must have been rose-coloured and warm all because of him.
You took a sip from your lukewarm drink to calm yourself down and waited for him to speak first. After all, he had said, he had a lot of things to talk about.
‘What I really, really need you to know is that I have the fattest crush on you since Mingyu hyung introduced us to each other,’ he started after a couple of deeper breaths and a destroyed napkin whose remains were scattered on the table in front of him.
Just like you had said, you had nothing more to add to his confession, but you didn’t stand up and leave, either. How could you have when Hansol shot a sheepish smile at you right before you could have averted your eyes, then parted his lips to tell you everything while you were still there, willing to listen?
Scratching his nape due to what you assumed was discomfort, he told you that he had really thought he hadn’t stood a chance. He also admitted that he cared about you a whole lot and that he wanted to be with you. He had apologised for that night and his unacceptable reaction to your cheek kiss, then spelt it out to you how dense he could have been sometimes, which you had acknowledged with an (affectionate) eye roll. You had kind of figured that one out. But you guessed, you weren’t much better, either.
‘If you’re okay with that, I would like to give us another try, a real one this time,’ Hansol said with his beautiful, hopeful eyes on you. Your cheeks were beet red even before he added with more confidence: ‘I don’t want to lose you.’
You were at a loss for words. While deep in your heart you knew, your love for Hansol hadn’t disappeared from one week to another, you were reluctant to jump into a relationship with him when you were still licking your wounds after your - lack of a better word - break-up.
‘I…’ you were struggling to express your thoughts despite the lesson you had learned about the importance of honesty. Your urge to avoid hurting him was too strong; it restricted you when you should have been straightforward.
‘She doesn’t want to lose you, either. Come on! Tell him you don’t,’ you heard Seungkwan say from behind your back, making you curse under your nose as you turned around to see the blonde barista wiping the non-existent dirt off a table. You narrowed your eyes and zeroed in on his know-it-all smile, contemplating whether it had been a wise idea to become friends with someone as gossipy as Kim Mingyu. The mere fact that it was already the third time that morning that you had questioned your life decisions couldn’t have meant anything good.
‘What the hell? Did Mingyu tell you something? Because he’s lying and…’
‘He didn’t have to tell me anything, noona. You make it painfully obvious,’ Seungkwan said with his hands on his hips, clearly disappointed in your reaction. You couldn’t hold eye contact with him for longer than a couple of seconds.
You knew Hansol was the barista’s best friend; you also knew that they both cared about each other a lot, so you didn’t blame him for taking the current situation personally. But you found the call-out unfair because it should have been you who understood your feelings the most. It should have been you who answered Hansol’s question regardless of how much time it took you to decipher your own fuzzy mind.
You turned back ahead and buried your face in your hands with a groan. You were hopeless; you couldn’t even tell Seungkwan to mind his own business. How were you supposed to deal with someone who was a whole other level of important in your life? You wished your best friend had told you the secret of how he had managed to crack your shell. How had Mingyu managed to make you feel comfortable enough to curse at him openly?
Disappointed in yourself, your shoulders tensed when someone touched your hand, although you relaxed a little almost immediately when you realised that it was Hansol. The boy tapped your knuckles with his fingertips like he was playing on a piano and made you look at him without saying a word, because it was soothing. When your eyes met, the apologetic smile on his face was hopeful and the sight of it tugged the corner of your lips upwards.
‘Would you go on a date with me?’ He asked, his pseudo-confidence amusing and touching at the same time. ‘We could start it with something mundane if you’re not ready for fancy stuff. I could tag along today. We could grab lunch together and I could make the boring car rides more fun,’ he offered.
The two of you had never done anything fancy together. Your most romantic date had been a night in with a sappy movie playing on your laptop and hot cocoa in your hands despite the scorchingly hot summer and your broken AC. Although, you reminded yourself, neither of your previous dates had been dates for him. He could have easily been a whole different type of boyfriend in real life than how he lived in your mind.
It was on the tip of your tongue: the objection that no one had said those rides were boring, but then you remembered complaining about them to him and sighed. You couldn’t deny the warmth you felt at the realisation that he paid attention to you.
‘Fine,’ you agreed quietly, cheeks rosy because he was still holding onto your hand. It made you wonder whether his dislike for PDA had been all in your head because of the distance he had kept from you while you had been convinced you had been in a relationship. You made a mental note to ask him about this - and a couple of other stuff like those dates he would have liked to go on and his thoughts on couple holidays - when his best friend wasn’t staring holes in the back of your head.
After you gave in, Hansol couldn’t stop smiling and honestly, neither could you. You didn’t hide how excited you were about your day together, but after a couple of silent seconds and a nervous gulp, you made an effort to tell him about your worries, too. For the first time since you had confessed on his birthday, you were completely honest and he took it surprisingly well.
While you finished your iced latte, he reassured you that you didn’t have to call any of your dates a date or refer to him as your boyfriend if these labels burdened you. Although his hand was still on yours, he asked for permission to keep holding it, to hug you in the future and to kiss the top of your head or your cheek if the moment felt right.
Listening to those things he wanted to do with you in public and private, you looked at his fingers while they were drawing absentminded circles and eights on your palm and thought: maybe falling for someone like Hansol Vernon Chwe hadn’t been a mistake. Mistakes were when you had kept your doubts to yourself and assumed he had known what had been going on in your mind. The mistake was not talking about issues that needed to be talked about.
One look at his goofy smile and the light blush on his neck was enough for you to know: you would do everything in your power to not make the same mistakes again. Confrontations might have scared you, but losing him was scarier.
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