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half-oz-eddie · 5 months

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Day 3: Past Trauma

Something random (and extremely personal) for @harringrovemovember

tw for psych ward/hospitalization/involuntary hold, suicide attempt, self harm, psychosis/brief psychotic disorder, hallucinations, medication

Billy and Steve were roommates in the psych ward. Billy had an episode of drug induced psychosis and a suicide attempt. Steve had alcohol induced psychosis at a party that caused hallucinations and paranoia.

Steve had been there for a few days longer than Billy, so he's freed from the constant observation first, and finally allowed to wear regular clothes and not the hideous hospital gowns anymore. When Billy was involuntarily admitted, he slept for 48 hours straight. Steve had done the same when he first got there, so he'd be sure to be considerate, quiet, and stopped eating in the room so the lights could be off as much as possible.

When the nurse would come in every 15 minutes to check on Billy, sometimes Steve would tell the nurse that Billy was crying and talking in his sleep.

When Billy finally woke up, Steve was on his way back from lunch with his coffee. They made eye contact. Steve stared, Billy glared.

"What?" Billy snapped.

"No-nothing. Welcome back. You've been sleeping for days."

"I don't remember anything."

"You should grab something to eat before lunch is over."

"Not hungry."

"Okay, get some Ensure from the nurse's station, then. If you don't put anything in your system, they'll keep you here longer."

Billy sighed and stood, sucking his teeth when he noticed the back of his gown was open.

"Here. Here." Steve handed him an extra gown. "Wear this one backwards so you're fully covered."

"Thanks." Billy grumbled. "What's your name?"

"Steve."

"I'm-"

"Billy. I know. I remember all the noise you made when you first got here. You cried so loud, I couldn't sleep."

"Sorry. I don't remember that."

"It's okay. I didn't remember much when I first got here either."

"Jesus. Are they wiping our memories or something?"

Steve snorted. It'd been awhile since he laughed. "No. Probably the psychosis."

"Oh. Is that what it was? Shit, that must be why they gave me that MRI, or whatever it was. They put me through a machine. I thought I dreamt that though, and—agh!" Billy held his head. "Fuckin' migraine."

"You need to eat. C'mon. Get something to eat. There're chicken sliders. They're actually pretty good. The coffee will keep you alert too."

Billy shrugged. "I guess."

When Billy's constant observation was over and done with, and he was no longer considered a harm to himself, he was excited for his mother to visit him and bring him some fresh clothes and food from outside.

When she didn't show, he had a terrible breakdown and started hearing voices, telling him he was never going to escape, and he should die. So Billy walked up to the nurse's station, being obnoxious and taking out all of his stress on everyone around him.

"Hey." He banged on the window. "Hello? I need my PRN. I'm hearing voices. Hey! Hey!"

Steve was doing his daily pacing the halls when he found Billy irritating the staff. "Billy, what are you doing?! You're gonna get in trouble again!"

"So? I want my fucking PRN. I'm hearing voices and I'm getting pissed off. My mom didn't show up or bring me my fucking clothes and-and I dunno. It triggered me or something."

Steve cocked his head, spotting the devastation in Billy's eyes. "Did you call her?"

"Yeah I fucking called! She didn't answer."

"I'm sorry. Maybe...something came up."

"Something came up." He darkly chuckled. "No, she just doesn't wanna see me." He turned back to the nurse's station, proceeding to bang on the glass. "P! R! N! Give me my fucking drugs or I'm going to kill myself! I'll do it!"

"Billy? Billy, stop. You can't say things like that."

"And why the hell not? They gonna put me in the psych ward?" Billy laughed.

Steve sighed, looking up as an irate nurse approached the window. "He's really distressed." Steve explained. "His mom didn't show up for her visit with him."

"Billy, do you need me to call the doctor?" The nurse asked.

"No. Just give me my meds so I can go lay back down."

The nurse gave Billy his medication, and he brushed past Steve, returning to their room.

Steve went to the laundry room to pick up his clothes, and brought them to their room.

He tossed Billy some shirts and sweatpants.

"We're really not supposed to keep food in our rooms, but my mom brought me a lot of snacks and the head nurse said I have to throw them away by tomorrow if I don't eat them. You want some?"

Billy slowly nodded.

Steve's eyes inadvertently fell on Billy's self harm scars when he reached out a hand for some candy.

"Do you...remember anything yet?"

"Not much. I remember wandering around for a long time. I remember...hearing a bunch of voices all at once. I remember calling 9-1-1 from an emergency box in some neighborhood. I remember crying in an ambulance and getting a couple of stitches. That's really all."

"I don't remember much either. One minute I was at a party with my girlfriend, the next, I was hearing this loud humming sound, and I was dizzy...I dunno. I just know she's not my girlfriend anymore. I don't remember what happened, or what I did, but she's not my girlfriend now. She hasn't accepted calls from me since I got here. Her parents called the hospital and had them order me to stop calling her."

"That's messed up." Billy responded with his mouth full. " What a bitch. She can get fucked."

"How long do you think you'll be here?" Steve asked, shifting the subject. "I'm ready to go home."

"Forever, probably. I'm batshit crazy and I don't have much of a home to go back to. I think it's what drove me over the edge."

"You're not crazy. Don't say that about yourself. Just cooperate, alright? Come out of your room more often, eat in the cafeteria, come to the group meetings..."

"Ugh." Billy threw himself back on the bed. "I don't want to. I'd rather just lay here and rot."

"You can't—"

Billy groaned. "There's 1 little fucking window here at the end of the hall. I can't go outside. I can't call my friends long distance because these shitty fucking phones only make local calls. I can't smoke—"

"Did you get a nicotine patch?"

"Yeah I got a fucking nicotine patch, but...I...I..."

"You what?" Steve leaned forward.

"I smoke for like...stress and anxiety. I don't know how to deal here."

"Come to the rec room. If you get there early enough, you can take over the radio. And, you can play some ping pong with me."

"Ping pong?" Billy snorted.

"C'mon. You gotta try, alright?"

"But..."

"Look. If you cooperate and get out of here with me, I'll treat you to lunch. Wherever you wanna eat."

"Yeah?" For the first time in weeks, there was hope in Billy's eyes.

Steve nodded certainly. "Promise."

"Uh...Thanks for the clothes." Billy scooted next to Steve. "And the snacks."

"Anytime."

#billy hargrove #steve harrington #harringrove #suicide attempt tw #self harm tw #hospitalization tw #psych ward tw #psychosis tw #harringrovemovember

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lorifragolina · 5 months

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Trust

Written for @harringrovemovember Day 2 prompt: First time at therapy for Billy.

Rating: Teen and Up

Relationship: Steve Harrington/Billy Hargrove; El&Billy; Lucas & Billy

Tw: therapy, alcoholism, internalised homofobia

Words: 3822

Read it in AO3 (mistakes edited)

“I’ll go if you go”.

“But I don’t neet to…”

“Ok, so I will not go either”.

“But it’s free�� you always tell me to take free stuff, why not now?”

“It’s… different. And I not need it. Final word”.

“But it’s free! And you need it!... You’re always yelling and fighting and sghutting doors and you’re so anxious, and I saw you crying in your…”

“You’re spying at me? You’re judging me?”

“No… I just care for you…”

“Well, ok… But don’t tell anyone. Anyone”

“Of course not. But you have to and trust me. You don’t trust anyone”.

“So I’ve been told I don’t trust anyone”.

“Seriously?”

“Please don’t be sarcastic, not now”.

“Ok, well, so you don’t think you have issues with trusting?”

“Of course not!”

“And who do you trust?”

“I trust you, of course”, said Billy, with a triumphant expression.

Lucas scoffed. “Ok, well, and who else? If you tell me two people more, I’ll agree with you”.

Now was Lucas’ turn to put on a triumphant expression. Billy looked at him with angry eyes.

“Let’s see… do you trust El?” Billy flickered his eyelashes. “Not to speak about Hopper. And what about…”

“No!” Billy stopped him raising his hand. He didn’t want to name that person in that discussion. “What is the problem to trust only a few people?”

“If there were a few… But you don’t trust anyone and push people away”.

Billy pouted.

“And talking with someone could be good for you”.

“I talked with your father!”

“I mean some professional. I’m not sure my father could do that much”.

Lucas sighed and looked intensely at Billy.

They were at their isolated bench in the park - Billy tried to avoid the tought that was another problem of trust - and he was drinking coffee from his thermos. He was fucking craving for a beer. The worst thing was that Lucas knew it perfectly.

It was true Billy trusted Lucas. He found Billy in a winter night, completely drunk and freezing in his car, dangerously near to the quarry, and when he tried to talk with him he only could babbling things - scary things - and crying and yelling. He wasn’t at the edge of the cliff just because he could walk properly, and Lucas' heart sank in his chest for pity and fear.

“Come on. Get in the car, Billy. No, stop drinking” and he threw the remaining cans of beer, and the empty bottles of whisky. “Sit down. I’ll take care. Trust me, ok?”

And Billy did, probably because he was weak and confused.

Lucas took the Camaro and drove it a little, just to come a little nearer to his house. Then dragged a not really collaborative Billy to his house, shushing him at every step, and managed to throw him on his bed without waking up anyone in the house. Billy at that point was just a heavy doll and he could take his shoes off and put him to sleep in his bed.

He stayed in his armchair dozing and watching at him, cleaned his puke without a word and hid him in the bathroom when he needed it.

In the morning, when his family went to the church, he sneaked out and went to wake up, caffeinate and send Billy away.

Billy was just hanging over, he was crying and shaking and didn’t understand why Lucas had been so kind with him.

“I couldn’t let you freeze in your car” , Lucas simply said. Billy never asked him what he was doing at the quarry at that moment, but he was grateful. Lucas said, trust me, and he didn’t report him to his parents or the police.

And Lucas kept being loyal to him. He never exposed him, not even with Max. He kept asking discreetly how’s Billy doing and fuck, Billy wasn’t used to kindness and he started talking with him. Slowly trusting him.

He recognized he “probably” was drinking too much, that he tried to escape his fear and sadness and anguish in the bottom of a bottle and that he was incapable of controlling it. Lucas convinced him to talk with his father, and it helped, but Billy couldn’t really confess to Reverend Sinclair why he was so scared, angry and upset to drink too much.

“I’m a fag” he spat a day, in the same secret bench in the park, tormenting hangnails on his fingers. Lucas took his hand to stop him doing this.

“It´s ok”, said Lucas, hiding his surprise or whatever Billy though he could thinking about him. Nothing changed. Lucas kept talking with him, seeing him secretly, and most important he never, never told his secret to anyone, neither to Max. Billy confessed he liked a boy, without saying his name, but Lucas wasn’t stupid, and nonetheless he never talked or did anything, ever a mock, when Steve was around.

So he won Billy’s trust. It took time, and it was precious, but it wasn’t enough.

Billy kept thinking about an ice cold beer in his mouth.

“Someone you can open up with entirely. A professional that…” insisted Lucas.

“I understand”, Billy interrupted him nervously. “You too think I have to tell my things to a complete stranger…”

“To help you”, Lucas took his hand. Billy was always amazed that Lucas didn’t fear touching him, in case he could pass him his queerness, as people said to him back in California. “El offered to go with you. She wants to help too. You need to trust people and let them help you”.

Billy sighed.

“You go first”.

“No, you go first so you can’t run away”.

“Ok fine”. Billy grunted, throwing away the cig - he already finished two packets and it was only 4 pm- and he let El enter the community center.

They waited a little, in the tiny room where wall signs explained the government program of mental healt for teens, then the therapist invided Billy to enter.

After about an hour he came out, a little pale, and sat again at El’s side without a word. She didn’t talk either, and then the therapist called her inside too.

When she came out too, they leaved in silence, then sat in silence in the car.

“So how’s going?” asked El.

“I don’t.. I don’t know” answered Billy.

“So, Billy, why did you came here today?”

“I… my friend forced me… I mean, she… think I need it”.

“Why, Billy? Why do you think you need this?”

Billy stayed silent for a while. He didn’t know, really. He only knew what El and Lucas were saying, and he didn’t know if he even agreed.

“They say I don’t trust anybody. And… maybe I like to drink”.

The therapist nodded, and smiled.

“Really… I don’t remember much of what we said”, confessed Billy to El, before starting the car. It was intense, despite the firm will of Billy to remain skeptical, but he couldn't recall very much at the moment.

El clinked her purse. “I can buy you an ice cream,” she said, with a serious face.

“There’s no need” smiled Billy, and finally started the car.

They stopped at a stoplight.

“You know, El… thank you” Billy said in a really low voice. El just nodded.

Billy squeezed the wheel and sighed again.

“I’m gay” he threw out.

“I don’t know if… if they would stay with me if they… knew everything”.

“Why?”

“They maybe don’t like who… what I am”.

He wasn’t brave enough to say what he was to the therapist, but he knew perfectly. His father’s hate. He wasn’t the person he wanted, and maybe his friends would hate him in the same way. That, he said to the therapist.

“Billy, you have a job and a place for yourself, you worked hard and you’re doing pretty well. Do you really want to pretend with people to make them like you?”

“I don’t… I don’t know”.

“Maybe you have to select people you can trust and that can appreciate you for who you are, don’t you think?”

“I’m gay”.

“Me too” answered El, looking in front of her, completely naturally.

“What are you saying, El?”

“Yes, I’m glad we could… oh” El suddenly stop, blushing a little. “You mean… you like boys, right?”

Billy was smling against his will. He nodded.

“Ok” continued El. “It’s not important, I think”.

Billy smiled, relieved. El was really naive, sometimes, and she probably didn’t know what it really meant and she wasn’t spoiled by the common opinion, but he was happy he could tell it to her.

They kept going to therapy, Billy was sure El didn’t really need it but she insisted to go with him, and he felt protected with her outside the therapist study.

Every Thursday he left Max at home at 4, went to pick up El for the therapy at 4.30. Sometimes he listened to Max ranting because El wasn’t available to play with her, and he knew for sure she didn't sell him out even to her best friend.

She tried every time to buy ice cream for him, he didn’t let her pay but enjoyed the sweet treat with her. It was pretty intense every time, he had difficulties remembering what they said in the session right before it, sometimes he went out really sad and upset, but he knew it was part of the process. He stayed awake in the night recalling what the therapist said to him, and he felt like a hole in his chest, like a hole in the road waiting to be fixed, they’d eventually fill it up and fix the road, but in the meantime it was barely cover with a plastic and you could see all the broken pieces into it.

He felt better, not good yet, but better. He could share some little things to El during their ice creams and Lucas was happy for him too.

El sometimes shared things with him, in return. She wasn’t always comfortable with the others because she didn’t understand them every time, but now she felt a little more confident telling them how she was feeling.

A month or so had passed, and they were laughing at sillinesses out of the ice cream parlor. El took Billy’s hand returning to the car, she didn’t mind showing him affection…

“What are you doing!” Screamed Max, coming in the street with Lucas at her side. She wanted to go to the library that day, and tried to convince El to go with her, obviously without success.

Billy suddenly stopped and blushed, while El didn’t let his hand go.

“You’re dating her?” Max kept screaming. “What are you doing with her? Are you grooming her?”

“Max…”

“You make me sick, and you… you lied to me!” She pointed Max with her finger.

“No, I said I can’t play with you today” replied El.

“To go out with him” she pointed to Billy too. “She’s my age! She’s fifteen! You’re disgusting”.

“Max, we are not…”

“You make me sick! You’re a pervert!”

Lucas was silent at her side, looking at Billy's face. Billy was looking on the ground, upset and incapable to stop Max’s words.

“Maw, I…”

“No! I don’t want to talk with you, never! You’re gross!” She grabbed El but she resisted.

“Max, stop!” Yelled El, wriggling out.

“We’re not dating, Max! We’re just friends!”

“Bullshit, you can’t be friend with her, you don’t have enough bitches…”

“Max, stop!” Esclaimed finally Lucas. “Stop being stupid! Let them alone!”

“You? Are you defending him? Are you at his side?”

Billy raised his eyes and looked at Lucas.

Of course not, I’m at no one side… he could perfectly imagine the diplomatic answer Lucas was about to say.

“Of course I’m at his side, Max, you’re attacking him!”

Billy opened his mouth with great surprise. Lucas was at his side, openly. Really Lucas has always been at his side lately, but he wasn’t prepared anyway.

“But he is grooming our friend!” Yelled Max again.

“No I’m not!” Billy could finally interrupt her. He looked intesely Lucas in the face, then, with difficulties, he looked at Max.

“And don’t you think it’s not your fault if someone don’t like you?”

“I… I’m not sure…” Billy was a little confused, and besides, the talk that day was difficult, they were talking about Billy’s family and his father in particular.

“You don’t have to fulfill others' expectations. You know that your father treated you… poorly because he certainly expected things from you. His desires aren’t your fault and his judgements aren’t your fault. You can decide not to charge with the guilt, Billy”.

Billy looked at his hands, tears in his eyes, and sighed.

“She’s… she comes with me to a… place” he murmured, and Lucas gasped. Max was clueless, and didn’t appear less angry. “I go… I go to therapy. At the community center. El comes with me… so I can’t run away”.

Max gasped a couple of times. She didn’t expect it. It was evident that neither Lucas or El had betrayed him. He looked at Lucas’ face and decided he was ready. It wouldn’t be his fault if Max wouldn't accept him.

“And I’m not dating El. I couldn’t”, he felt El stiffen at his side. “I’m gay, Max”.

“Billy!” Said Lucas.

Max stayed silent a few seconds, considering Billy’s words and their implications. She slowly turned to Lucas.

“Did you know? Shit, you both knew!”

Her face turned red, she was shaking and her voice was broken with fury.

“You both knew! You are my best friend” she pointed El, “and you…”

“Max, it wasn’t our secret to tell!” Lucas lively interrupted her.

“You kept a secret to me!”

Lucas had a sad expression on his face. Billy was speechless, he obviously trusted Lucas, but he never considered Max and her reactions. Lucas adored Max, practically he worshiped her, but now he firmly reiterated his loyalty to Billy. He preferred the possibility to ruin things with Max than betray him. He felt he didn’t deserve it, and his eyes filled up with tears.

Lucas and El tried to speak to Max, but she kept shaking and stopped them with a gesture.

“No, I hate you! I hate you all!”.

She went a few steps far.

“I… I don’t…”

“Don’t worry, Billy. She’s being dramatic” said Lucas sadly, trying a little smile to comfort him. Max turned to them and said Lucas lightly touching Billy’s arm, and Billy with his head low, and his hands clenching, like when… and she finally got it.

“Billy…” They jumped because they didn’t see her coming again. Billy was so close to tears.

“Billy, it’s… it’s for this your father was… so furious with you?” She whispered, unable to look him in the face.

Billy nodded.

“I’m so… sorry” she continued, looking at him finally. Billy pursed his lips, trying to swallow his commotion. He smiled, and nodded to her

“Can I… can I…” Max tried to get near, but both hadn't had a great experience hugging. It was a clumsy, uncertain hug, but it was sincere, and Billy instantly decided that he wanted to trust Max, completely.

In the first part of his life, Billy wasn’t really lucky with the consequences of his decisions. More than once, reality slapped him in his face, ruining his planes and fucking up with his wishes. But somehow he felt that now he was walking on the right path and his decisions were more contemplated and the consequences more positive. He didn’t regret giving his trust to Max, she kept the secret for herself, although she surely didn’t guess for whom he had a crush, and became supportive for his therapy. She knew he got really tired after a session, so sometimes she left a packet of homemade cookies and a bottle of lemonade on his trailer’s porch. She even asked politely how he felt and tried not to be too bossy with El and Max. Billy looked to his friends and family and could see things going really smoother.

“I’ll go home soon. I’m a little tired”. Billy clinked the ice in his soda. He was really, really dreaming for a beer and happily drunk people in the bar didn’t help him. He didn’t really talk about the alcohol in therapy, but he was trying to avoid drinking, and it was really exhausting. His mind kept going there, when he was at home, he kept thinking of going to the store and buying a six pack, when he was outside, like in that moment at the Hideout, he kept thinking to simply ask for one at the bar. Moreover, it was Thursday and he felt wrecked for the last session.

“Yeah, you look tired lately” grinned Steve, sipping his beer without noticing the craving look of the other. “You have some new girl in hand, right?” He nudged him a little, with a sly look, but Billy stuck to a little smile.

“I’ll go soon too, I’ll see Jeanie later…” insisted Steve, and again Billy grinned a little smile, avoiding his eyes.

“What’s the name, Hargrove?Or… she’s one of that girls you just screw and keep hide to your friends?”

Billy sighed. He’d really gulp a whole beer in his throat and just get drunk and avoid thinking and struggling.

“You need to convince yourself you deserve the best, Billy. You should say it to your friends, right? So why you shouldn’t deserve the best for yourself?”

“I… I don’t know, some people are better than me…”

“This is not true, Billy, you’re perfectly fine just the way you are. You have to understand that you’re not responsible for what other people think about you, but you’re responsible of what you think or do. You have to understand what works for you and go for it. If keeping secrets makes you feel afrad, just stop keeping secrets”.

“But… what if some people go away?”

“So they don’t deserve your time, Billy. Well, think about it as a homework for the next week, would you?”

Billy nodded and scribbled a note in the little notebook he started to use in the sessions. It helped him to remember and consider.

Think abt w. Deserve my time, he wrote in the notebook.

He hung out every now and then with Steve at the Hideout on Thursdays, sometimes they listen to the band playing, or more often they drink a couple beers together after going to their dates. Well, Billy hadn’t dated really, but he kept the part with Steve, while he was shaking internally for the mere proximity of his eternal crush. He clearly didn’t move on from high school, and he kept blushing when he went to rent some movies.

He went that Thursday, after therapy and ice cream, to return The Princess Bride and was thinking about renting Ladyhawke again, because he needed a good cry and Rutger Hauer, but Steve was at the desk just about to end his shift, and he couldn’t say no to hangout with him.

“So what’s the name, Hargrove, come on!” The music was loud and the voices started raising. He turned a last time the empty glass.

“You see, Steve… ‘m not seeing a girl. In fact… I’m going to therapy. I just went this afternoon, and for this I’m really tired”.

He talked firmly, with a little low voice that forced Steve getting a little closer to him, making his heart racing.

Now Steve was looking at him with steely eyes. Billy knew what he was thinking, therapy is for mad people, so he must be crazy or dangerous or weird.

Losing Steve, it would hurt, but he tried to convice himself that his friends had to accept him just the way he was, or just going away.

“And… Steve… There are no girls. Never been. I’m… I like boys” he lowered both his voice, and his eyes. “I like you”.

Steve freeze during a large second. Billy could hear just a buzz in his head and he couldn’t decide if he had been more impulsive or stupid. He had clearly pushed Steve away, but he was tired of that little game, tired to lie. He expected nothing from Steve, but he was tired of hiding himself in the closet.

Steve didn’t react, so Billy collected his jacked and turned to go away.

Steve grabbed his hand.

“Billy, no… don’t go. You’re… so brave” Steve said, circling his palm with the thumb, absent mindely, almost automatically.

Billy lingered to the touch, swallowing butterflies. But he freed his hand and went outside, followed by Steve. He grabbed again his hand in the parking.

“Billy wait! Don’t you want to… to talk about it’?”

“No… not really… I’m tired”. Billy sighed, vaguely disappointed, but ready to cope with the consequences.

“Billy, please…” Steve cicled again his palm. He got nearer. “You were… you are so brave…” he repeated. “I wish I was half brave than you…” murmured Steve.

“What?”

“I don’t… I don’t have a date either… it’s a long time I don’t have a date… I wanted just… just… ”

Billy nodded. To maintain appearances. To match with others’ expectations.

“I like you too, Billy”.

Billy thought he got momentarily deaf and blind, because he couldn’t believe what he heard and he lost vision for a second. He tried to say something, but he realized that he lost his voice too.

Steve was nearer, and warmer, now.

“Can I…” he smiled, staring at Billy’s lips.

Billy nodded, because he honestly couldn’t do anything else

And Steve kissed him. He closed his eyes, breathing rapidly near his face, and then leaned his lips on Billy’s lips, so soft and shy he wasn’t sure they were there for real.

It wasn’t a movie kiss like Billy always imagined. It wasn’t desperate and hungry and hot, no, it was delicate and sweet like a butterfly wing, lighly touching his lips, matching with the sweet butterflies in his stomach.

And it was perfect.

Next thing he knew, he was lying on Steve’s bare chest, under a heavy, warm blanket on Harrington’s sofa, with the TV talking quietly in the room.

They went to Steve’s house, and yes, they kissed and touched and roughly take off clothes, but then stopped and hugged and lied together in the sofa, talking sweetly and disclosing things.

It was enough for Billy. They just covered them with the blanket, he kissed Steve’s neck, and chest, and simply rest his head on him. Steve hugged him firmly and caressed his head, driving him to sleep unnoticed.

Billy closed his eyes, and felt he deserved all this. That it was his worth, and Steve deserved it too.

He fell asleep like a baby, tightened in a trust hug, in the arms of the man he loved.

#billy hargrove #harringrove #movember #therapy #writing #lucas sinclair #el hopper #harringrovemovember

13 notes · View notes

medusapelagia · 5 months

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Harringrove Movember Day 01: Facial Hair

written for @harringrovemovember

Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve Harrington/Billy Hargrove WT: hospital, mention of injuries Words: 705

The day Billy finally leaves the intensive care no one is there waiting for him.

Not that he really thought that someone would have shown up after he killed half of the Hawkins’ population, but still, he would have liked to see someone different from doctors and nurses.

He sighs, it's fine, he is a big boy, he is not sad or disappointed.

"Are you happy to be finally free from tubes and breathing masks?" Owens asks while entering Billy's new room.

"Ecstatic."

The man sits on the side of his bed "What's wrong, kid?"

Billy lifts his sight, ready for a fight, but he can't find any trace of rage in the man's eyes, he really cares about his answer.

"I thought... I thought that maybe Max..."

"Oh, I see. That's actually my fault. I told everyone that I wasn't going to let anyone in until you said so." the doctor replies, putting a hand on your shoulder "Do you feel comfortable to see them?"

Billy knows that he is not exactly good looking: he lost weight and his body is covered in scars, so no, he is not comfortable with that, but he really needs to see a friendly face.

"There is someone who insisted on coming. They are in the waiting area, should I let them in?"

Billy is so close to begging that he doesn't trust his own voice and just nods to the old man.

"Ok, but if you feel uncomfortable you press this red button right here ok? And I'll send a nurse in. Do you promise?"

The answer is just a whispered "Yeah."

When Owens leaves the room and Billy is left alone to stare at the white wall in front of him, wondering who could have come to see him, he knows he wasn't really close to Max but he felt something shift in their relationship and he could almost swear that she was holding his hand while he was agonizing on the sticky mall floor.

He hears it before he sees it: the telltale sound of metal cuffs clinking at every step.

A policeman.

Hopper probably.

Well it's ok, he will have some questions to ask, maybe some accusations to throw and... he turns when he hears the door open, and then he bursts out in a loud laugh.

"Harrington?" he asks, holding his waist while he keeps laughing so loudly that a nurse comes in to check on him.

"Yeah, me. Don't cream your pants."

"What the fuck happened to you?" Billy asks, wiping away the tears from laughing so hard that his stomach hurts.

Steve looks like a Hopper's younger version, he is dressed in a policeman uniform and has a big mustache on his face.

"I grow up, Hargrove!"

"I see you have a thing for uniforms." Billy mocks him.

Steve lifts his eyebrows "What?"

"Sailor, policeman, do you have a nurse one too?"

Steve finally laughs "It seems to me that you are the one with a thing for uniforms!" he replies smiling.

He gets closer "How are you feeling?"

"Honestly? Tired. And I don't even know why, I mean, all I have done in the past weeks was sleeping."

"Months."

"Uh?"

"Months. You have been in and out from a coma for months."

It makes sense, Steve couldn't get a police badge in a few weeks.

"So policeman, uh?"

Steve shrugs "It looks like the right kind of job for someone like me."

Someone who is fiercely protective and who knows how to fight.

Billy smiles "Who knows, maybe I'll join you. Can you imagine? You and I on the same team."

Steve winks "I'm sure they'll call us Trouble Agents."

Billy laughs again, is nice having something to laugh about and even something to look forward to.

"Is growing a mustache a requirement?"

"I guess so. I mean... Hopper has one, Powell has one, Callahan has one and now I have one too."

Billy sighs "Fine, I'll join you. I look really hot with a mustache." he replies, while his eyelids close on their own

"You do." Steve whispers, while he tucks him in bed.

The last thing Billy sees is his Steve’s tick mustache getting closer to his forehead.

#Harringrove Movember #Harringrove #steve harrington #billy hargrove #stranger things fanfiction #tumblr prompt #billy x steve #medusapelagia

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harringrovemovember · 8 months

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Hi!

This is the official blog page for harringrovemovember! This is an event co-run by @intothedysphoria and @hargrove-mayfields along with support from @jaylikesrainbowtigers. This is a harringrove event which hopes to spread awareness about men and mental health, particularly men from marginalised communities.

The event is running from the 20th to the 26th of November and accepts fic, art, edits, ect. All works will be accepted as long as they’re harringrove and stick to the theme of men and mental health

Here is the prompt list for anybody who hasn’t seen it (edit made by @hargrove-mayfields)

We’ll post more info as the date gets closer, including what works the mods are not comfortable including in the event and how you can get more involved with the event if you’re interested (e.g if anybody would be interested in an event discord).

Please keep in mind that this is an event run by autistic moderators, so tone indicators when sending asks and patience with the mods if you contact them on a low spoons day would be appreciated. Furthermore, any ableism towards this event or the moderators will be dealt with swiftly and appropriately. Also it goes without saying but there is a zero tolerance policy on misogyny, racism, any type of queerphobia, transphobia, classism, antisemitism, islamophobia, ableism, xenophobia, ect. This is an event which is made to be inclusive to everyone and any bullying or mean spirited behaviour made towards another blog participating in the event will not be tolerated.

On behalf of all of the mod team, I sincerely hope everyone in this event has fun and we’ll see you all in November!

#harringrove #harringrove fandom #harringrove fandom event #fandom event #boost

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hargrove-mayfields · 5 months

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They don’t fight anymore. Like ever.

Billy’s worst nightmare would be arguing with Steve. Hurting him. They left that shit in their rivalry days.

Their friends got tense at first, thinking they were about to blow up and get in a screaming match at any second. It wasn’t a surprise to either of the boys that they wouldn’t, but everyone else seemed shocked when they just held hands and exchanged silent glances.

Part of growing up just meant embracing their instinct to cherish, and to share, and to love. Steve especially prefers actions over words, for days when he’s nonverbal. It’s deliberate that those actions never turn bitter and communicate the wrong message.

It’s only natural that, when word gets out that they’ve signed up for couples therapy, everyone from Joyce to Heather to even Dustin freaks the hell out.

“Is everything okay?”

“This better not mean what I think it means..”

“I was rooting for you! I bet twenty bucks you’d last two more years!”

But it is okay. They’re doing it together, sure, but it’s for them as individuals. It’s not the end of the world, nobody’s breaking up, and no, they’re not in denial about that.

Billy had wanted therapy for his panic attacks and his outbursts of anger that never quite faded all the way. Steve had wanted therapy for his nightmares and his relationship anxiety. And really, they’ve both got a few vices they could give up.

Point is, both of them just want to be there for each other and have somebody whose job it is to articulate how to help instead of dumping it all on each other.

Because they love each other more than they ever have loved anything before.

Because making sure they can support each other in the best way now doesn’t mean they were failing before.

Because Billy has a ring in his pocket he’s been sitting on, and he’d really, really like to be in a good place himself before he asked Steve to marry him.

———

Day 2 of @harringrovemovember! Yay!! Let’s keep celebrating Men’s Health!!

#harringrovemovember #harringrove #billy x steve #billy hargrove #my writing #my moodboards

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hargrove-mayfields · 5 months

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A few months on testosterone. That’s all it took before Steve started noticing the hair popping up in places he hadn’t really noticed it before. Coarse, scratchy hairs he’d usually pluck out for sensory reasons.

On his face though, those things are his prized possessions. Yeah, maybe he looks like a 12 year old boy trying to grow real facial hair, but just a little dusting of a mustache is enough for him to feel pride.

Billy’s T-shots had taken a bit longer to get started, because of difficulty getting prescriptions with a changing address and parental rights and things, so he’s not quite as far along. He insists his real trouble is being blond though.

“The hairs are just light, Stevie. But they’re there.. I promise, look-“

So it was a competition.

The giggly, blushy, struggling to meet each other gazes kind of competition. Where the spark in their hearts is reignited and bursts into warm love.

Steve wins, eventually. It’s November, which means no shaving whatsoever, not even trimming off here and there to try to encourage growth, absolutely nothing. Blonde hairs stay stagnant, but dark brown and wavy grows out of control.

He doesn’t rub it in. Honestly, he kinda wishes Billy had won, but Billy’s a good sport about it. He kisses Steve and congratulates him. A beard growing race was maybe never going to be as serious as Steve thought anyways.

Though, he will admit that whatever he was anticipating, it wasn’t for Billy to suggest a different kind of contest.

Yeah, they’re dating, but only in the ‘hey we’re both queer and trapped in this town, let’s give this a shot’ small town high school sweethearts bullshit stage of dating. Not like, the rip your pants off and compare your bottom growth stage.

Is he going to deny Billy though? Well, that’s another story.

~~~~

It’s Harringrove Movember!! We’ll be celebrating men’s mental health and joy for the next week!! Yay!!

@harringrovemovember

#harringrovemovember #harringrove #billy x steve #billy hargrove #trans steve harrington #trans billy hargrove #t4t harringrove #my writing #my moodboards

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hargrove-mayfields · 5 months

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Benny lets Steve work at the diner.

Nobody else would hire the kid who wore chunky headphones and couldn’t stand for more than an hour before he was crumpling under his own weight. Seizures, panic attacks, overstimulation.

Steve’s disabled, he can’t work full weeks, but he’s also restless. Billy provides for them just fine, but it makes Steve all twisty inside knowing he’s so dependent. Even though his partner promises it’s really, really okay.

They compromise by getting him out of the house to work at Bennys whenever he can; Benny who is super understanding of the whole situation and lets Steve work just two days a week, or less if he’s not able.

On his breaks, Benny will sit with Steve and just talk. About the diner, about life. About this crushing anxiety and insecurity problem of Steve’s.

He talks about a time when he felt the same way. Turns out Benny Hammond is deaf.

When he started the diner, he hadn’t had hearing aids yet, and there were many that insisted he’d fail. Almost thirty years later though he’s still going strong.

Benny even says that maybe thirty years later, Billy and Steve will be trucking along just fine too.

Steve gets all wide eyed and blushy, he didn’t realize Benny knew about him and Billy being a couple. That was supposed to be a secret. But maybe thirty years of sitting back and watching the people of Hawkins taught him how to spot that kind of stuff.

It’s a special kind of comfort, having someone older to relate to. To teach him the tricks of not being so insecure. To confide in about his boy problems without fear of being outed to everyone.

Billy gets that too in the form of Jim Hopper.

After Neil left, he’d been adopted by Joyce, and then Hop became his step-dad not long after.

He comes with Billy by the diner all the time. Pays for a meal and doesn’t say a word when Billy spends the whole time checking on Steve and watching him taking orders and things.

They have support now. Real support.

Even moved out on their own, in the big adult world, two terrified teenagers that grew up into slightly less terrified adults. And they aren’t ever really alone. They’re one phone call away from having an army of support.

They’re doing fine. Much better than they realized they could.

All because of Steve reaching out one day over a slice of cheesecake at the diner, for which Billy says he’s so proud of him. And as always, loves him so deeply.

————

We’re nearing the end of @harringrovemovember already you guys! Wow!! Today I’m excited to have wrote about male role models, this is one headcanon I hold really dear!!

#harringrovemovember #harringrove #billy x steve #billy hargrove #disabled steve harrington #my writing #my moodboards

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hargrove-mayfields · 5 months

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A whole goddamn hour late and they’re still not ready.

Billy can’t help it that he slept in through three alarms. Steve can’t help if he forgot they even had anything to do today.

The thing is, they function on routine. Yesterday they went to visit Robin’s new apartment in her college town, and the drive back in took way longer than planned. A few minutes of variation usually wouldn’t mess them up too bad, but this wasn’t a few minutes. They weren’t getting to sleep until two or three in the morning last night.

Even if there wasn’t a lunch date slash meeting with Chrissy and her wedding planner at noon, they’d probably be struggling today. But that is happening today and “Holyshitfuck Steve what time is it?”

The problem with having routine so deeply ingrained in them is that they have to get ready. Like, fully ready. As in, makeup on and hair styled, outfit matching the nails type ready.

They share mascara wands, blush brushes, and lipgloss without second thought. Billy buckles Steve’s teeny tiny diamond earrings in for him and loops a string of pearls through his own ear. Billy also laces up Steve’s boots in exchange for Steve finding his perfume.

It’s a whirlwind, but they manage to get it all done in just ten or so minutes. Much quicker than they’d like, but they’re not about to stiff their Chrissy. Not if they still want to be her flower boys and best men. (Billy wouldn’t mind giving up that position honestly. He’s only doing it for his best friend and for Steve.)

Steve’s fumbling with the keys in the lock, Billy leaning on his cane and against the front porch.

“You got somethin’ on your face, baby.”

Steve tries to check his own reflection in the house key, “Where?”

It was a pickup line. Billy kisses him softly, “Right there.”

“There wasn’t anything, was there?”

“Nope.”

Steve goes to mess up Billy’s hair as revenge, but decides against it. Instead he just rolls his eyes. It’s all in fun. They know each other by now. Teasing is their thing as much as getting ready together is their thing.

Besides, they’re bound to get an earful from Heather for being late. Even as the maid of honor, she’s more of a Bridezilla. Constantly stressing and panicking making sure everything will be perfect.

Oh well. At least Billy and Steve will look cute when they show up, is the sentiment Steve decides on, instead of feeling anxious. It’s not like Heather would be truly mad, and Chrissy definitely wouldn’t care.

Life is alright for them when they embrace the people they love, and the styles they love, and even more, when Billy and Steve do it all together.

————

Another day of @harringrovemovember down, we’re halfway through now! Give it up for non-traditional masculinity! Yay!

#harringrovemovember #harringrove #billy x steve #billy hargrove #my writing #my moodboards

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hargrove-mayfields · 5 months

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Steve hadn’t even said anything to trigger it. Billy was just fragile right now.

He’d broken down into tears and just, sobbed. Rocked a little, picked at his skin a little, and just cried.

The reason why he’s in that state doesn’t click immediately, not until Steve looks at the calendar.

It’s a week to the day. That is, the day his father died last year.

As much as they both hated the man, it was hard for Billy to accept. Complicated mixes of love and longing for a real father, versus the bitterness and the fear from having been treated the way he was.

If it was up to Steve, he’d totally write the whole thing off, but it isn’t, and he understands that this is more complicated than he could begin to grasp.

So he’s there for Billy. He holds him, and kisses him, and strokes his hair and wipes his tears.

It isn’t often that he breaks down. Billy is tough, really he forces himself to be tougher than he actually is. He keeps to himself when he can. Big feelings are hard.

Every time he makes progress to peel that fear away a little more, to reveal the tender and fragile nature underneath, Steve can tell it’s healing for him.

Working him up to accepting that boys can cry, and with his partner there to support him, that sentiment includes him. Billy is more than just allowed to show his feelings, he’s encouraged to.

Maybe he doesn’t say anything verbally, but he is getting better at coming to Steve when he needs to, laying on the couch in his arms, resting his head on his shoulder while they cook together, joining him in the bath and crying into his damp chest.

Every single time, Steve will be there with his arms wide open.

————

And with that, we’ve reached the end of @harringrovemovember! Thank you all for reading along, posting, or even just stopping to think of men’s mental health this month!!

#harringrovemovember #harringrove #billy x steve #billy hargrove #tw neil hargrove #tw abuse #this is all about healing so I’ve only added the warnings in the tags

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hargrove-mayfields · 5 months

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Day 5! Today we’re all about sex for @harringrovemovember, specifically healthy sex. My interpretation is quite sfw but mentions the act of sex of course and past relationship trauma as well. Nothing too graphic at all, but I put this here as a warning <3

_____

Kissing, holding hands, cuddles on the couch- they've got all of that down perfectly.

Billy and Steve have been dating for a good few months and they don’t shy away from the affectionate stuff, even if they aren’t exactly experienced.

As fate would have it, they both were tired of quick one night stands and relationships based solely on sex. It got exhausting, being objectified like that. Steve felt used in his last relationship, being cheated on days after taking the leap. Billy’s trauma was years long and something they just didn’t talk about often.

Thing is, it’s been a while, and they kind of wanna try more than just the soft stuff.

Neither knows how to approach it. Baseline is, with the shit they’ve been through, there’s not a lot of room for spontaneity. They want a plan.

It’s awkward as shit talking about it. Who does what and which of them has done what in the past.

The first time they try to talk about it, Billy gets so embarrassed he cuts it off and just wants cuddles. He’s not modest, he’ll walk around without any close on, but sex is delicate and it’s hard to just talk when you’re used to not even getting a say.

It’s eventually decided they’ll save it for a special date- their anniversary in december. Then it won’t be so scary. They’ll take turns, but for the first time, Steve’ll take the more vulnerable position. He’s never done it that way but he wants to. For Billy.

They’re both buzzing with a special kind of excitement and nervousness leading up to it. Maybe it was kind of torturous to finally decide things and still put it off for a couple weeks.

In reality they’d probably wait for each other forever.

Billy says Steve is his soulmate, his one and only for the rest of time. Steve is more nervous about that kind of declaration after being burned before, but he likes the idea of being someone’s lifetime love. Afterall, Billy is the only person who could ever get Steve feeling comfortable enough to be taken on his back.

Whatever it takes, they’re going to make sure the other is comfortable. If they don’t get it right on the first try, they won’t give up. This kind of love, between Billy the heartbreaker, sleep-around-slut and Steve the heartbroken recluse, is the love that will last beyond rumors and drama and shit spewed at them by people that don’t even get it.

It doesn’t matter if they get it. The boys’ minds are made up. They want this. Only each other. Forever indeed.

#harringrovemovember #harringrove #billy x steve #billy hargrove #my writing #my moodboards

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medusapelagia · 5 months

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Harringrove Movember Day 2: First time at Therapy

written for @harringrovemovember

Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve Harrington/Billy Hargrove WT: therapy, panic attack Words: 1018

"I don't want to go." "Billy…" "I don't need to, ok? It's you that needs this shit, ok? I'm perfectly fine. I have a good job, Neil is out of my life, Max and Susan are doing great. Everything is perfect!" "Apart from me." "Apart from… what?! Hey, no! Don't make me say things that I didn't mean!" Billy turns toward Steve, ready to fight, because the fight it's all he has ever known. "Yeah, I'm the fucking psycho who needs therapy, right? You don't! Because you don't wake up in the middle of the night screaming bloody hell! You don't get mad when I eat the last cookie and you weren't the one that punched the fucking door instead of my head after we argued!" Billy's cheeks are red with shame and anger. He is fucking fine. If Steve wants to waste money going to therapy, that's fine, he will take more hours at the machine shop, but he will not sit in front of a stranger telling them his darkest secrets.

"What do you want me to say to your fucking therapist? The same shit you say? That a pack of dogs mauled me too? That I'm scared of the dark because I was robbed? This is bullshit, Steve! fucking bullshit!" Billy regrets his words as soon as they leave his mouth. Steve is trembling in front of him, clearly having an episode, and Billy can't even touch him because he knows that things will get only worse, so he tries to talk to him, and tries to drag him out of his nightmare with his voice. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Steve. You are right. I'm damaged and I ruin everything I touch, but you are the only important thing in my life. Come back to me. Please. I'll do whatever you want. I'll come to therapy. I'll do whatever but please, please, come back to me. I beg you." Steve blinks a couple of times, surprised at finding himself kneeling on the floor "Billy?" he calls confused and scared. Billy rushes to his side, holding him so tight that he must hurt him but Steve doesn't complain. "I'm here, I'm here. You are ok." "What happened?" It breaks Billy's heart having to explain that they argued and Billy inadvertently triggered Steve's panic attack. "I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." "Billy." "Tell me." "Would you like to help me?" "Everything for you!" he agrees eagerly. "Come to therapy. With me." That's not on the table, Steve can't make him go and… "Ok… Ok. I'll come. For you."

Three days later they are sitting together in a little waiting area, in front of them is a man with some serious problem and a little girl with her mother. "Steve?" the therapist calls, and he gets up, smiling. "Hi, Andrea, this is Billy." "Oh, Billy! It's so nice of you to join us." Billy nods, shakes hands, and sits on the chair but says nothing at all, glaring at Steve and the woman on the other side who seems to be making small talk but keeps writing things on her little notebook. Does she know that everything Steve says is a lie? That there is an entire parallel dimension waiting full of monsters ready to kill them? "What do you say, Billy?" He jolts "Sorry?" "Steve was telling me that he is preoccupied because his needs are increasing and he doesn't want to be a burden to you. That's why I asked him if you could join our little chat." That's it? That's why Steve asked him to come? "He is not a burden." Billy quickly replies. "But he feels like it. Can you tell him what you said to me, Steve?" The boy nods but avoids Billy's eyes "I know that you're doing good, that everything in your life got better after Neil left but I… I feel like I'm holding you down. I feel that everything I do somehow makes you angry, or anxious and I wonder… I wonder if you would be better without me." Billy gets defensive "Do you want to break up with me?" Steve is still avoiding Billy, his eyes fixed on a stupid colorful poster, but his voice is wet when he whispers "I don't want to. I'm too egoistic to break up with you, even if I should. You would do so much better without me…" "That's what she said to you? Is it her that put those stupid ideas in your mind?!" Steve shakes his head "No, she… she tried to convince me that I deserved to be loved and that if you really loved me you would have done what is necessary to help me." Billy feels the hot blood in his veins turn suddenly cold "Tell me what do you need, baby. Tell me and I'll do it." Steve is crying, taking some tissues from the ugly pink container. "What Steve needs, Billy, is a safe environment, where he will feel that it is ok if he has a slip, that being a survivor comes with survivor's guilt, and that if he will ever feel like that you'll be there for him. Can you support him? Can you put your personal stuff away and dedicate yourself to him?" the woman asks with her plastic smile. Billy's hot blood would have answered that yes, of course, he is! He is his fucking boyfriend, he loves him and they have been through so many things together… But that would be his pride talking. The truth is that he doesn't have the tools to help Steve and he must admit it. "I… I would do everything for him. I would like to be anything he needs but…" Steve trembles and Billy obliges himself to finish the sentence before he gets too scared "But I think I need some help too." Steve turns toward him, eyes full of tears and astonishment. Andrea finally closes her little notebook and gives him a smile, a real one this time "I have a colleague who will be more than happy to help you."

#Harringrove Movember #Harringrove #steve harrington #billy hargrove #stranger things fanfiction #tumblr prompt #billy x steve #medusapelagia

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