Backwards, sideways, missionary, cowgirl, doggystyle, on a plane, on the table, against the wall, in the shower, on the floor, vertically, horizontally, until the paint peels off the walls, the bed breaks, and the neighbors call for help.
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Shit Actually
ok, so I know this might ruffle a few feathers, but the 2003 film Love Actually fascinates me. It's a terrible script, I mean god-aful, but all ten British actors of the early 2000s act the shit out of it. They're delivering these stellar performances with absolute garbage lines and barely 2-dimensional characters. It has at least ten different stories, none of which have any plot whatsoever, and somehow all the characters are connected in a bizarre Six-Degrees-of-Separation that makes absolutely no sense and stretches the non-plots to their breaking points just to depict. It has a completely pointless song feature, unrelated to the story about a musician trying to score a hit with an atrocious cover that he himself eviscerates. It has a child dodging post 9-11 airport security like Simone Biles. It has a porn shoot. It has a Hugh Grant dance sequence. Bill Nighy is naked. Just describing this clusterfuck of a film makes me sound psychotic. And somehow, somehow, UNRELATED to ALL OF THE ABOVE, it's a Christmas movie?! I think I'm having an aneurysm.
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NBC's Hannibal really Did That and created the most compelling and beautiful allegory for coming out in a world that is inherently violent towards queerness and treats it as horrifying, disgusting, and psychotic.
top of mind right now is Will's Becoming, started in S01E01 and fully completed in S03E13. buckle in folks, this may end up being a long one.
following the allegory, both episodes feature Will and Hannibal sharing a queer experience with one another.
in the first, Will (at this point, deeply closeted and in denial) engages with GJH in an effort to protect Abigail. Hannibal (also closeted, but more out of self preservation, certainly not out of shame) isn't directly involved, merely a passive observer, but he did orchestrate the experience by calling GJH to warn him they were coming. obviously, his actions at this point are driven by curiosity. what will GJH do? and what about Will? clearly, Hannibal has clocked Will as similar to himself (aka queer), but can see that Will is in deep denial and terrified of his urges.
and it's just so powerful to see that Will's first explicitly queer experience is within the context of self sacrifice for the good of someone else. he wouldn't have chosen it, but he had to do it. at this point, this is the only way his psyche will accept his queerness. this scenario also gives him plausible deniabilty about his reasons for engaging GJH. it allows him to admit to Alana that he feels "good" after the whole event, claiming that he feels good because he saved Abigail. even though we know at least part of the reason he feels good is that he finally got to indulge this particular urge.
but even so, the whole point of season 1 is Will struggling with his guilt. he has nightmares. he thinks he's a monster.
(side note: i also think it is just so perfect that it takes Will ten shots to get GJH, like of course our sweet baby queer boy having his first queer experience isn't very experienced. i can hard relate)
fast forward to the series finale, we find Will and Hannibal having yet another queer experience with one another, but this time they are equal participants and it is Will, not Hannibal, who ultimately orchestrated this encounter.
and what is so wonderfully interesting to me is that a (very) small part of Will seems to remain conflicted about what his role will be in this scenario right up until it is actually happening. will he walk away, leaving Hannibal and the Red Dragon to their own devices, and return to his heteronormative family? will he be an active participant with Hannibal? will he simply be a passive observer? the moment Will decides he's going to participate is so clear and this is the moment he fully, 100% comes into himself and arrives at full self acceptance.
and then, when it's finally over, and Hannibal holds him while saying, "see? this is all i ever wanted for you. for both of us." and Will, his eyes quite literally shining with joy and love says, "it's beautiful" while clutching Hannibal and resting his head on his chest, enjoying the embrace (do NOT get me started on Hannibal's expression of pure ecstasy, i will explode).
and to wrap it all up, we see Will quite literally take a leap of faith in the arms of his most beloved before tumbling off the cliff. together.
like. that is so fucking beautiful???? and i don't think there is ANY piece of media that will ever have this type of impact on me again?
anyway. congrats if you made it this far and stay tuned for more ramblings as i get my thoughts in order lmao i just really fucking love this entire show.
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