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weirdochick56 · 4 years

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Mr. Evans II- Chris Evans AU Chapter Eleven

Teacher!Chris Evans x Student!Reader

Warnings: Explicit language. SMUT. DIRTY DIRTINESS.

Disclaimers: I don’t condone relationships of this kind, this is for entertainment purposes only. Please be gentle on my word-porn.

Word Count: 5, 347 words

A/N: This shit got dirty REAL quick. As I was writing it, I was so fucking confused by what my fingers were typing lmfaoooo. Also this story is nearly coming to an end and IDK what the hell im gonna do after. PLEASE stay safe and healthy y’all!

Read Chapter Ten here!!

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(gif isn’t mine!)

You take a long gulp of the bottle.

“It’s like I’m stuck, you know?” You say looking off into the water. “Like I don’t know how to exist or move forward or hell, even back.”

Noah, the guy you’d met at the pool, nods in understanding, taking a sip from the bottle. “Yeah. I get that, but your situation is hella complicated. I get why.”

“I guess I just have never felt one hundred percent in it, you know? Like I could never fully let myself be happy because at any moment that shit could burn down. I’ve always felt like someone was out to get us, like all the fucking odds were stacked against us,” you mumble, shivering when a breeze swishes past the dark night.

It’s been a while since you had met Noah and he was a pretty cool dude. You just clicked- it was just like that with some people you know? You just get along from the get-go. You got to talking, slowly downing the bottle in the process of course and the more time ticked by, the more your tongues loosened.

You didn’t like to play into stereotypes or anything, but you were almost entirely sure Noah wasn’t one-hundred percent straight. But maybe that was just you.

You were at a healthy buzz right now but that wasn’t gonna last long at the rate you were chugging from the bottle.

“You wanna be with him?”

You sigh, hating that there wasn’t even a little doubt in your mind or heart at the question. “I do. But I don’t know how to go about it, you know? It’s all just so jumbled for me.”

Noah releases a little sigh, laying down on the cold gravel. “I know right? It’s like you love someone so much but you also know that being with them could be dangerous, no only to you but to the life you’ve built around yourselves individually. So it’s hard between choosing everyone else or your own selfish ass.”

You glance at him, raising your brows. “From personal experience?”

He laughs but it’s a bit strained- dry. “Yeah. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not exactly uh- straight.”

“What?! I had no idea!” You mock gasp.

“Shut up.” He laughs, slapping your arm playfully. “Yeah well, he’s actually the most beautiful human being I’ve ever met. But we’re keeping it on the dL. Neither of our parents is exactly supportive. Mine are still a bit touchy even though they’re starting to tolerate the fact that their son is gay and his- well they have no idea. If they did that situation would go awry real quick.”

You sigh, laying your head drunkenly on his shoulder. “Aw, I’m so sorry Nini.”

He laughs, casually wrapping an arm around you. “Oh? Is that my new nickname?”

You nod. “Yep.”

“You know something, Nini?” You suddenly mumble in a slur.

“What?”

“You’re not selfish for loving him- whoever he is. You’re brave.”

“Yeah? And why do you say that?” He hums.

You take the bottle from his grasp, taking a long drink. When you’re done, you sluggishly wipe your lips.

“Because I’m a fucking coward,” you mumble shakily. “I’m so fucking scared of feeling. I just shut down like a robot,” you confess, quietly chuckling. “I numb myself so that I don’t have to face the reality of it all. You face that shit head-on. You’re staying and fighting for your love. That’s super admirable.”

Noah rubs your arm comfortingly. “Thanks.”

You nod, swishing your feet in the water. “It’s true. I wish I could just be with him.”

“Then be with him,” Noah says, simply.

Just like that. As if it were that straightforward.

“It’s not that easy. There’s so many things to consider.“

“Let me ask you a question,” he quickly quips. “Do you love him? Like really truly love him?”

You swallow harshly, gripping the bottle tightly in your hands. “With every fiber in my body.”

Noah nods firmly. “Then that’s it. And listen, I’m going to be honest because it sounds like everyone in your life has been lying to you and telling you basically all you need is love to make it work. It’s not. Relationships are hard fucking work. Especially if it’s one people will have a variety of feelings on. It takes effort, time, sacrifice and you know where all that comes from?”

“Where?” You pout drunkenly.

“From you. You have to be sure you want it you have to be willing to stay and fight. But you also need love. Without love, there’s nothing. If you’re sure you want to be with him, if you think your love is worth it, then I say go for it. It doesn’t have to be this huge announcement either. It’s your relationship- it’s there for no one else but you two. If you feel comfortable later on, then do sure you can tell people.”

You ponder on his words drinking more tequila, before finally speaking in a defeated tone. “I’m scared.”

He shrugs. “Life is really just one big risk you either choose to take or not. Plus, it’s like I told you; relationships are hard work. You have to keep working at it. Even when it gets hard.” He licks his lips. “He gave an ultimatum and from what you told me, you’re not going to be here for much longer. So not to pressure you or anything, but if there was ever a time to act this feels like it’s it.”

Maybe he’s right.

Needless to say, by the time Noah walks you home, you’re both absolutely hammered. You make sure to call him a taxi because it was late at night and you also make him promise to text you once he got there.

After he’s gone words keep ringing around in your head over and over and over again. And so do Margo’s. In fact, you felt like you were flying on a cloud of thoughts all whirling and detaching and stringing together back again.

You start replaying everything in your head- your whole relationship. From the start to now. Like a movie.

And your heart breaks even more because you realize right there and then that at some point, the movie suddenly stops.

The movie stops.

It hits you that you’ll have no idea how it ends. What’ll happen with you two. Where you’ll end up.

For some odd fucking reason, it makes you feel sick to your stomach to think about it that way, and your skin crawls. If you let him go, you’ll never him know how the movie ends... the thought tortures you slowly to sleep as it goes round and round in your noggin, pounding you with unbearable guilt and anxious thoughts.

When you do fall asleep, though, you have a strange dream that night. Or more like you have a nightmare.

You’re standing in your room and it’s just like it was when you went to sleep that night, except that on the other side, the usual long hallway isn’t there anymore. There’s only darkness.

Your anxiety kicks up because you know what the darkness is without even touching it.

It’s the not-knowing. The pitch-black emptiness which you’re expected to walk into blind. Fucking alone.

You start hyperventilating when the pressure to walk into it becomes too much, thrashing harshly against the invisible force pushing you into it. Screaming, salty tears, kicking...

It’s all too much. Your breathing is labored and your skin burns with hot tears.

And then suddenly and like a warm blanket- two muscular arms wrap around you from behind, tugging you into a hard chest.

Chris, your mind instantly whispers.

He easily tugs you back towards the room, hugging you to his front tightly.

“I’ve got you, sweetheart. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

And in that moment of terror, with his familiar scent and soothing voice and tight embrace, he’s safety. He’s warmth and familiarity.

...he’s home. Your home.

You just lay there with him, holding each other.

The next image flashes by instantly and suddenly the darkness is back. But this time you don’t panic...because Chris is right there with you, holding your hand. And for some reason, you know -you’re one-thousand present sure- he won’t let go.

He rubs his thumb softly over your thumb, looking at you with those alluring blue eyes of his, that soft yet capturing gaze that made you feel all fuzzy.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I’ve got you. I’m here. I’ll always be here.” He repeats his earlier sentence.

You wipe happy tears. “I’ve got you too.”

He smiles adoringly down at you, smile lines crinkling endearingly at the corners. “I know.”

And without a second’s thought you plunge straight into the darkness.

You gasp loudly, sitting straight up in bed. Your heart races, thumping harshly against your rib cage as beads of sweat trod carefully down your temple and side of your face.

Click.

Something in you suddenly clicks and it all becomes clear.

Was that all that was needed for realization to hit you? A single moment? A single split second in which the fog clears? A split-second where your vision suddenly elevates and the whole landscape is all there? The whole picture is laid out before you?

It’s early in the morning and you wince when the bright light of an early day hits you in the face, flopping over in bed.

You reach for your phone on the nightstand, quickly unlocking it before checking your contacts. You have a new text message. You click on it.

Hey, Hermosa. I got home okay. Thanks for the taxi, lol.

You smile gently, typing back.

Yeah np, Nini. Thanks for the advice. Needed it.

Your phone buzzes.

Ngl, kinda shocked we still remember that. Lmfao. Ur welcome tho.

You groan softly into your pillow when your head starts aggressively throbbing.

Sobriety sucks butt.

“Honey, are you okay?”

Your dad and Kennedy watch you as you haphazardly stuff your face with bacon and eggs then gulf it all down like a dog- brows raised and jaws slack.

Downing your warm coffee in one go, you get up, pushing the chair back with a loud screech and almost trip running over to the sink to put your dishes inside.

“Yes. I’m good. There’s just something urgent I have to go take care of,” you rush out, leaning down over them and giving each a chaste kiss on the cheek.

“I love you guys!” You yell, already half outside and still pulling on one of your sneakers as you clumsily hopped around.

You slam the door shut, running off as soon as you finish putting on the shoe.

Your head pounds inside your skull even having downed three aspirins and having a warm shower and your breakfast swishes inside your stomach with your harsh sprinting but you don’t stop.

Not until you reach his house.

You don’t think. Just feel. Feel how right this was. You’re done being scared of loving who you love. You had what you had and it was what it was, but what you had was him.

Chris.

All this time, he said you were his light. You were his angel.

But really he was your light. He was your angel.

You needed him just as much as he needed you- if not more.

Fuck everyone else.

This was yours. He was yours and you were his and you were done fighting it. Officially.

You had the realization that before, you’d always been just the tiniest bit reluctant. You subconscious put up your own walls to protect your heart, never fully allowing yourself to work on your relationship, never fully giving your energy to it.

But not anymore. No more walls. Just you. Just you, your love and a foundation for a fresh start.

You were exhausted- not of life or him or of the curveballs it keeps throwing your way. You’re tired of fighting yourself.

That’s the real fight you’ve been having this whole time. With yourself. You’re your own damn enemy. And isn’t that fucking tiring?

But you’re done.

Knocking loudly on the door, your chest inflated with so many emotions and with adrenaline pumping through your veins, you tug at your short shorts, hating that this was the first thing you saw and threw on.

Unfortunately, the next thing you saw was a short ass crop top so you were basically running around in your underwear.

You freeze out the nerves as soon as they start to set in when footsteps pad your way. None of that.

When Chris opens the door, you nearly fall over.

He gives you a once-over, his hair messy, and dark bags under his eyes. “Sweetheart what-“

You stare at him for a few seconds as does he, eyes wide and lips parted.

“Chris,” you breathe.

But you catch yourself and before you know it, you’re spilling all your damn beans right on his front porch.

You needed to. You had to get this off your chest or you would go absolutely insane.

“Chris before you say anything, I just want to apologize. I’ve been a huge fucking hypocrite. But I realize my mistakes and I-“ you laugh incredulously, looking at him. “I just want to be with you,” you mumble meekly, your voice low.

Not because you didn’t mean it, but because you were terrified of his reaction.

His eyes soften and he opens his mouth to speak, but you cut him off.

“No, stop. I just need to finish what I have to say, okay? You were right. You scare me. What we have scares me. But I’m not willing to let you go just because I’m scared. I-” you swallow tears back down. “Being scared isn’t an excuse to let you go. God, I’ve never felt emptier in my life than these past few weeks. Not even when I was gone for two years. At least then I knew I was faraway from you. That I was somewhat safe from all these...feelings.” You gulp. “But being here-“ you shake your head. “Knowing that you’re just a few blocks away- I just want you to hold me, to make love to me, to love me in the way only you know how to.” You chuckle breathlessly. “God, I am so in love with you. Y-you complete me. You make me better- you’re the best fucking person I know. And I know I’ve been an asshole to you, or well let’s be honest we both have, but I guess mostly me- um anyway. I just- I’m here to stay.” You sigh softly, letting the words roll of your tongue like a vow.

“I’m here to stay,” you repeat softly but firmer this time, swallowing thickly at the sweet after taste.

You’re panting by the time you’re done, both thanks to the running and the little speech you just gave, but your gaze never leaves his. Not for the whole five minutes, he just stands there, looking at you with glimmering eyes.

“Chris?” You whisper.

“Say that again,” he breathes.

“Say what?” You frown.

“Tell me you love me again,” he mumbles, a single tear sliding down his cheek.

You smile a little, looking him in the eye. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” you repeat breathlessly. “I’m here to stay- if you’ll let me that is,” you add on in a clumsy, sheepish way.

He smirks, instantly yanking you into a hug. His arm wraps around your waist and head and your arms slither their way around his broad back. You melt into him, half with delight and half with relief.

The embrace says all the things you weren’t strong enough to say, it was passionate, warm, loving, fierce. You slid into eachother like to puzzle pieces. Like you were meant to be there- in eachother’s arms.

Chris holds you tighter to him, using your trembling body, which you hadn’t even noticed was shaking, as an excuse you stuff his nose into your hair and press your chest to his.

“I missed you,” he breathed into you- easy as air. A breath he’d been holding for far too long and needed to release.

A breath that, once uttered, made you instantly freeze.

You slowly parted away from him so you could properly peer into his eyes and because you have no idea how much being back with him was going to be for you emotionally.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble, tears sprouting from your eyes. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just scared. I’m always scared.”

He shakes his head at you, pressing a light kiss to your forehead. “I get it, sweetheart. I was scared too. But we’re here now, that’s all that matters.”

He holds his arms out again, but catches himself before wrapping them around you and pulling you to him entirely, the question clear in his eyes; was this okay?

This embrace wasn’t like the one a few moments ago, this one was cautious because you were walking new ground. A ground that was undiscovered but all the same exciting.

A ground that was the foundation for a new path to happiness. A new beginning.

You simply nod in response, too tired to try to fight your need for his warmth off.

He wastes no time pulling you to his chest- nice and tight and you instantly hug him back, loving the feeling of safety and warmth you felt there.

You realize that no matter where you go or who you’re with, nothing will ever feel like being in his arms. Nothing will ever feel like home. Not like him.

His hold tightens on you- like he’s afraid of letting you go and you tighten your own hold to signify your own heightened emotions.

The buzzing in your skin, the racing of your heart, the flush of your face, the fluttering of your tummy- all the emotions that made you feel like there was endless hope and warmth and good in the world- you missed it all.

You listen to his slightly accelerated heartbeat and nestle your head against his chest. “So we fight?”

He heaves a heavy exhale. “We fight.”

You lick your dry lips, taking a deep breath. “Okay.”

He pushes you back slightly, brows raised. “Really?”

You can’t help but smirk a little bit. “I think I still have a little bit more fight left in me.”

You shift in his arms, resting your head on his chest an adjusting the leg you’d hastily thrown over his waist.

After your talk, you’d agreed that a little alone time was in order. So you threw yourselves onto his bed and did what anyone in your position -with unspent sexual frustration and endless simmering desire between your souls- would do and cuddled.

“Sweetheart,” he begins, twirling another strand of your hair in between his fingers.

“Hmm?” you mumble drowsily, drawing a new pattern on his chest with your fingertips.

“Do you love me?”

You pause, brows furrowing. Leaning up on your elbow, you peer down at him. “What?”

He smiles a little. “You heard me.”

“Why do you ask?” You blush bright red.

He chuckles, brushing a hand against your cheek. “Well, I’m not like you, angel. I actually need to hear the words. Again,” he adds cheekily.

You stare at him blankly for a few seconds, contemplating his face. He was perfect. Even the small dips or indents on his skin. Every sharp and soft line, every curve and dip and area of soft flesh.

Beneath you, his muscles strained against his soft pajamas and his warmth surpassed layers of skin and clothing in order to deep into your bones, warming you entirely.

But that wasn’t what made him beautiful. No.

It was the fact that he was such a dork when it came to Charlotte Brontë and Bram Stroker even when he tried to hide it. It was the fact that for years he put aside his own pain to focus on the futures of his students. The pain of losing his wife.

It was that he looked at you like you were his beginning and his end and everything in between. It was the fact that he was unwilling to relent to everyone and everything telling him he couldn’t have you and that he was willing to forgive you.

It was that he was still here. Still fighting even when everything could be lost.

He wasn’t just perfect. He was authentic. And he was beautiful just the way he was.

You finally nod, whispering lightly. “I do. I love you more than anything in the world.”

You’ve never meant anything more in your life. And it didn’t matter what would happen next because you’d be together when it happen and you’d take it on together. You’d always have eachother.

He beams adoringly, running his hands through his hair.

You instantly raise a brow. “What?”

He frowns at you. “What?”

You chuckle, a tiny smirk tugging at your lips. “Something’s wrong. What is it?”

“Wrong? Nothing is wrong. Why does something have to be wrong?”

You instantly smile, patting his cheek as you hook your leg over him tighter in order to get more comfortable. “You just ran a hand through your hair; something’s definitely wrong,” you say as if it’s obvious before softening. “C’mon talk to me.”

He looks into your questioning eyes for exactly three seconds before breaking. “Dammit, why do your eyes have to be so big and…shiny? I can never lie to them,” he mumbles under his breath.

You laugh pressing a little kiss to his stubbled cheek. “It’s my secret superpower. Now; spill.”

He sighs, looking down at his hands. “Nothing I guess I’m kind of second-guessing now. N-not of us o-or anything!” He rushes to explain immediately after. “Just-” he sighs again, looking back down. “I dunno. I feel like I’ve been pressuring you. What if this isn’t what you really want?” He gazes into your eyes, concern swimming in his deep pools. “Is it?”

Unable to hold back a snicker you grin lightly at him. “I just gave you an entire speech about how much I want to be with you and you’re questioning it? Bit late, don’t you think?” You joke lightly.

He deadpans. “Y/n.”

You sigh. “Yes, it is what I want. No backing out this time.” You hold out your pinky with a tiny giggle. “Pinky promise?”

He raises a brow at the small finger, scoffing at the notion. “Angel, I’m a masculine manly-man do you really think that I’m gonna pinky promise you? No.”

You wiggle your pinky with a tiny pout. “C’mon!”

He sternly peers down at you (again for exactly three seconds) before breaking down once more, half-heartedly linking your pinky with his and grumbling for a second time about how your eyes were “unfairly adorable”.

You laugh tightening your finger on his, as you gaze into each other’s eyes tenderly. “I pinky promise to always be with you. No matter what.”

He smiles softly, repeating your words back to you with the tenderest look in his eye. “I pinky promise to always be with you. No matter what.”

When you take your pinkie back, he rolls his eyes, chuckling. “I can’t believe you made me do that. I hate you.”

Lightly shoving his shoulder, you place a soft peck on his cheek. “You know you love me. Plus, c’mon, I came looking for you here, I can’t leave without at least a pinky promise.”

He smirks, wiggling his brows suggestively. “You do realize this means I won, right?”

“Won?”

He nods enthusiastically. “Yeah. This time, you came for me. So I won.”

You snort. “Asshole.”

He chuckles as you suddenly grow serious.

“You know, I hate that you know me better than I know myself. I can never hide from you,” you whisper as he grips your face with his hand.

“You don’t have to,” he says sincerely, looking directly at you. His dark gaze pierced your soul and your breath hitches, forming a huge lump on your throat. “Not from me. Not ever.”

You shiver under his touch, leaning into him. You bite your lip as you gaze at him from under your lashes. “What if what I’m trying to hide is ugly?” You husk.

He simply smiles, like what you’re saying is utterly impossible. “Then you don’t try to hide it. I want to see it all. Because you know what? In the end, I know it’s all going to be beautiful.”

You can’t keep the damn goofy smile from tugging at your lips as you softly kiss his nose. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” you breathe. “I love you so fucking much.”

He pecks your cheek lightly in response, resting his forehead on yours.

“Who are we without scars, without stories to tell? Your flaws make you who you are, angel. And I’ve fallen in love with you. All of you.”

You smile softly at him, your heart thumping loudly inside your chest. “You make me all crazy, you know that?” you mumble.

He laughs, closing the distance between you two and brushing his lashes against yours. “I’m sorry.”

You giggle against his lips, softly moving yours against them as you peer into his darkened eyes and wide blown pupils. “No, you’re not.”

He rubs his thumb across your cheekbone tenderly, tracing your skin like he was afraid you’d break if he pressed too hard or rubbed too much.

“You’re right- I’m not,” he breathes hotly against your skin, playing with your lower lip.

You press your nose to his, pressure building in your chest as you slowly begin straddling him. “Do you want me?”

His other hands grips your other cheek, gaze pinning yours down with ease. “All the damn time,” he responds without hesitation, voice growing deeper and more primitive.

You smirk down at him, forgetting entirely about everything and everyone else.

“Really?”

He looks at you incredulously. “Are you serious? How do you not know what you do to me, sweetheart?”

“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t. What do I do to you, Chris?”

Your pussy begins pulsating rhythmically, panties damp at the implication.

He inhales sharply, clamping down on that plump lip. “Shit sweetheart. You want details?”

He seemed startled but turned on all the same.

You bite your lip, feeling your nipples harden under the soft fabric of the shirt and nearly let a moan slip when it rubs against the sensitive nubs as you move.

“Yes. I want you to tell me exactly how much you want me. I want you to tell me how you’ve imagined me before. What you’d do to me if you’re given the chance,” you rasp all in one breath.

As you speak, you grind your down hips on his, enjoying the much-needed friction it created in your sensitive spot.

He clenches his jaw, eyes ablaze with that fire you missed so much.

“Careful sweetheart,” he grits out through clenched teeth, hands dropping to your ass and hips. “If you get too close I might burn you.”

You look him in the eye, knowing damn well your own unquenchable fire was swaying sensually back and forth in your eyes. You wanted him—bad. In fact, you fucking needed him. You needed him like you needed air to breathe. Fuck, you ached for the feeling of his cock inside you, claiming you as his. Because damn you were his.

“Then burn me,” you say with full intent.

His eyes snap shut, fingers digging into your flesh.

“Jesus Christ, Y/n. If we don’t stop right now I can’t promise I won’t fuck you ‘til you’re screaming.”

Your pussy instantly grows wet at his words, pulsating far more aggressively than before as you move your hips faster.

“Fuck Chris. Have you dreamed about me?” You pant.

He looks up at you through heavy-lidded eyes, dick stirring in his pants. “Almost every night,” he admits without shame or hell- even embarrassment.

Than only makes you more flushed.

You lick your dry lips, his eyes following the movement. “Yeah? And what am I wearing?”

He closes his eyes, hands traveling down to your thighs before rising gradually up to your waist, pushing fabric out of the way. You tremble beneath his fingertips and he uses the chance to guide your movements against him, his long fingers setting a rhythm for you to move to.

He hisses with pleasure. “Y-you’re wearing my t-shirt. Only with panties underneath.”

You inhale deeply, chest rising but not falling just yet at the vivid image. “Mhm,” you hum softly. “And where are we?”

“My bedroom. You’re sprawled out on my bed, sleeping.”

You bite your lip. “Are you hard yet?”

“Hell yes,” he breathes, digging his nails into your ass. “I can see your ass from here. All of that for me,” he moans softly against your chest as he adjusts you and his grip on you so your tits are closer to his face.

You arch back at the sensation of having his hard cock rubbing against you from beneath his pants.

“You’re moving around in your sleep and I’m getting harder because you look so damn innocent but sexy all at once. Like you’re just asking me to ruin you.”

You moan against him, accidentally brushing your nipple against his lips in the frenzy of your dry humping.

You freeze for a second, letting the sensation sink into your cells, warming them with electrifying bliss before moaning louder when Chris lightly opens his mouth to take one of them in over the thin material of the shirt.

Your mouth falls open at the sensation and your finger rake through his hair, tugging on the strands harshly as he gently suckles on the sensitive bud, rolling his tongue around it with expert sensuality.

His eyes meet yours as he does this and neither of your looks away as he flicks his tongue back and forth, causing your whole body to nearly overload with bliss.

“Fuck Chris,” you mewl, digging out nails into his scalp.

He stops sucking, using his finger to play with them instead. Your mouth falls open in a choked-up scream as he continues narrating his dirty dream for you.

“Even from there I can see how soft your skin is. How perfect your tits are and how good they’d fit in my hands. It’s torture until I walk over to you and grab one of your ankles gently in my hands…”

“Yes?” Your breath hitches as he hits a sensitive spot.

“And the other one too. Then I slowly part them. I don’t want to wake you yet. Not like that.”

You bite your lip, holding back a moan.

“When I’ve completely opened your legs, I slowly crawl up your body, kissing your legs as I go. When I reach your inner thighs, I slowly lift my shirt up….” he trails off, his thumb softly grazing your sensitive nub.

Your head flies back at the sudden jolt of pleasure it sends up your spine. “Shit Chris,” you groan.

“I start leaving open-mouthed kisses all over your soft skin. You’re shifting in your sleep, growing wetter, but you still haven’t woken up. Finally, I kiss your pussy.”

At the words coming out of his sinfully soft mouth, you feel your stomach clench, mouth capturing a silent scream and swallowing it back down.

He keeps you moving against him, his fingers gripping your thigh and his thumb working soft circles into your now soaked panties.

You gyrate into his hand rhythmically, fully concentrated in how good he felt.

“Uh-huh,” you finally grit out.

He continues speaking, voice strained and tone nearly drowned out entirely by animalistic frenzy. “You slowly peel your eyes open as I’ve begun flicking my tongue over your clit back and forth.” He copies the motion he describes with his thumb, smirking viciously when you nearly fall over him.

“I’ve been doing it over your sheer lace underwear this whole time, but when you are finally awake, your smell and your taste become too much for me to handle. You intoxicate all my senses sweetheart. I just want you on my tongue. I want you to ride my face until you cum in my mouth.”

And that’s all he needs to add to his jerky thumb movements for you to cum. Hard.

As if he can sense that you’ve reached a climax, he watches you with hunger, drinking in the sight of you coming all for him. “That’s right, sweetheart. Cum for me. All for me. Fuck, Y/n.”

You convulse, cursing like a damn sailor into his mouth. “Fuuuuck Chris!”

When you’re done, you slouch against him.

He hugs you to him and the rumble of his laughter travels through you, causing your sensitive insides to tremble. “You okay, sweetheart?”

You lift your head carefully. “Yes.”

He smiles. “Good. Y/n?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to make love to you.”

“Oh.”

Read Chapter Twelve here!!

***

The flashbacks to Mr. Evans I are real. Omfg.

I’m literally in love with him.

A special thanks to:

@star-spangled-steve

@tomoyaevaans

@pepsicola-is-my-brand-man

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And My forevers!

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@sammykb1994

@tomshelbystits

#Chris Evans #chris evans au #teacher au #teacher!chris evans x student!reader

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cruecifymesixx · 5 years

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Love and Leather /part forty four/

Word Count: 4.1k

A/N: lmfao I lied. I said I’d update tomorrow but I wanted you guys to have it tonight! Enjoy! Feedback is always appreciated!! And yes I know it’s not Douglas Booth! Nikki Sixx for the gif but tbh, I stopped picturing Douglas Booth as Sixx like 20 damn chapters ago sooo...you’re free to imagine which ever version you want!

Warnings: SMUT!!!! And language

Taglist: @brideofdraculana , @xstarryeyes , @aryssav , @miserablecunt , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol , @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies, @fandomshit6000, @anntheboneless, @venus-calum, @justjodeye, @supernaturalvikingwhore, @are-we-real, @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland, @baiabouk @awesomealmostdopestudent, @martabastic, @romanticvengeance , @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill @beachystars, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls, @rockersbox, @brooklyn-antiques, @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, @lilytalebi, @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream, @lunamadhatter99, @broke-n-bitchy, @thanks2pete, @slowandangry, @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1, @swoopygorl, @motherloovebone, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001, @wheresmyvodkabitch, @waywardprincess666, @malibubarbievince, @iluvmesomemarvelndc, @zoenicoles, @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @primal-screamer@electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults, @cruebaby, @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @miss2001babe, @nassauartist @emmaelizabeth2014, @cmft-jr-winchester, @bokkie92, @notworthyofyou1120 @xrosegoldwolfx, @cranberribread, @lauravic, @mgkobsessed, @chaoticvybe, @opalrustad, @kellysimagines, @dillightfulpickle, @marvelismylifffe

*Nikki’s POV*

My brain was scattered, I double checked everything again. I lit the candles making sure they weren’t going to catch anything on fire. I walked around the beach house I had rented just for us with baggies of fresh red and white rose petals, sprinkling them all around the floor. They began in the dining room where I had a table set for two, for just me and her.

The food wasn’t anything special though, I failed in that department. I just had Chinese takeout delivered a few minutes ago, but I got all of her favorite dishes. I walked down the hallway to the bedroom, dumping the rest of the baggie of rose petals before opening up another one. I scattered them around the bed before lighting more candles of some of her favorite scents, vanilla and honey.

I looked around the bedroom, exhaling. I hope this wasn’t overdoing it. But Christ, when did I become so damn romantic? Either the drugs blocked it off or rehab made my cold heart a little bit warmer. Vanity deserved this. She deserves to be swept off her feet. She deserves to be treated right. She deserved this more than she deserved me taking her into some grimy bathroom and bending her over the sink, she didn’t deserve what I did to other girls that didn’t mean jack shit to me. I mean, I would still gladly bend her over a bathroom sink, but I wanted to show her I loved her, respected her even. I want to show her that she means so much more to me than just being a fuck and then a fight.

I cursed under my breath when I heard the doorbell ring. I quickly tossed the bag into the trash before stopping in front of a mirror and readjusting my tie. Mick had to show me how to tie one earlier today.

*Vanity’s POV*

I pulled down my black cocktail dress as I stepped out of the rental car. Nikki had given me an address on where to go earlier today. I looked around at my surroundings. We were at some beach house, I could smell the salt in the air as well as hear the crashing of the waves against the shoreline. I walked up the path and rang the doorbell, I waited until Nikki answered.

The door unlocked and opened. I smiled at him as I held my breath. This is the most dressed down I’ve ever seen him. He was wearing a dark blue dress shirt, with sleeves rolled up to his elbows and showing off all his tattoos. He was even wearing a black tie to go with it. His hair wasn’t all over the place as it was tamed and combed through. He looked very handsome and had me in the palm of his hand already.

“Hi.” I said shyly, smiling still as he smirked down at me. He held his hand out as I gladly took it, he bent down to give me a kiss on the cheek, “Hey Princess, you look beautiful.” Nikki expressed, his eyes wandering down my body before bringing them back up to me.

“You look nice too.” I returned the compliment as he smiled cheekily. Nikki’s hand found its way to my lower back as he led me through the house and to the dining room. His presence behind me was intimidating and I was drowning in it.

I marveled over the display he had going on. There was white candles, plus his touch of black and red that were flickering in the lightly dimmed room. I looked down seeing rose petals along the floor followed by some fallen on the table.

My stomach was doing somersaults, I turned to look up at him. He was already looking down at me with a smile and his bottom lip between his teeth, “I hope this isn’t...like too much or whatever.”

Over the soft rock that was playing from somewhere and the overwhelming romance factor, I was in awe, “Nikki...I’m speechless.”

“Clearly not, if you spoke.” He teased as he let out a laugh. I playfully nudged him in the side, “I wanted it to be perfect for you, doll.” He explained as he pulled me to him, lazily wrapping his arm around my shoulder and kissing the top of my head. I breathed in the scent of his cologne as I smiled and nodded, “Well thank you, baby.” I stood up on my tip toes and pecked his lips.

Nikki gently took my hand before pulling out the chair before pushing me in when I sat down on it . Who knew Nikki Sixx could be so...so chivalrous. He sat across from me, grabbing a bottle of wine and pulling the cork out. He poured me a glass of deep red wine, more than likely it was super sweet. He had himself a water as he took a sip of it.

“I just wanted our last night together before you leave tomorrow to be special.” He says, digging through a bag filled of Chinese takeout as he pushes over two carry out containers. I opened them seeing it was orange chicken and white rice, he then tossed over a whole bunch of little packets of soy sauce. He knew me so well.

“I wish you didn’t have to go back home yet, just stay with me, I’ll be home in a month.” I took a bite as I watched him frown and pick at his kung pao chicken.

“I know, I wish I could stay too but Francisco says I leave to much, which I mean he isn’t wrong. I don’t know how many times I’ve left and came back now.” I gave him a small smile as I took a sip of the wine, “We can survive a month, it will be fine.”

“I just can’t wait to be home with you. I mean, I have the guys and everything, but it’s lonely here and the strippers are frowned upon in rehab. There’s only recovering ones.” He lightly joked as I let out a small chuckle, “Bet that was a nice sight for the eyes.” I retorted, picking at the food as he started talking again.

“They were uh, the job took a toll on them definitely. Most were cokeheads anyways.” He explained, “I can’t wait to get back home and then finish the album down there. I’m sure the fans miss us.”

I nodded, “Oh they do, trust me. After you left and everyone still thought you were dead, fans were leaving roses and candles outside the gate. I had to tell them to stop because it was starting to keep the gate from opening, I told them you would appreciate the gesture but it was becoming a little too much. Then when it came out you were still alive, I came back to your house after work and it was a fucking mad house. Doc had to send Fred over to deal with it.” I explained as he let out a laugh.

“Then your uh, drug dealers and friends and some chicks came by a lot.” I shrugged taking a rather large sip out of the glass.

He cleared his throat, “I am sorry for that. I hope they weren’t too much of a problem.” He replied, taking a sip of his water.

“It wasn’t a problem until one of the girls came into the house in the middle of the night. She scared the fuck out of me, I was sleeping. She knew where the spare key was...”

Nikki’s face scrunched up, “I’m so sorry, I guess maybe I should find a new place to live.” I shrugged, “It’s up to you. I mean, if I were you, I would. I would get out of the drug house and start somewhere fresh.” I mumbled, finishing off the glass of wine before pouring more.

“You wanna help look? The house in Van Nuys was literally the first one I saw so I bought it but I ended up hating it after a while. It’s not what I even wanted to begin with.” He explained as he watched me put the cork back in the bottle.

I pondered on the idea, “Yeah, I’ll keep a look out for medieval Gothic castles in Los Angeles.” I teased him as he chuckled.

“I wouldn’t say I’m against the idea of a castle. I just want something nice, no closets I can turn into my own little sanctuary. I’m done with that. Is the wine good?” He asked, I stopped mid sip as he pointed to the glass.

I nodded, “Yeah, it’s really good actually. Not too bitter and not too sweet.” I explained as he nodded.

“Are you done eating?” He questioned, motioning to my plate. I pushed it to the side, “Yeah, whats for dessert?”

I saw his lips turn into that arrogant smirk I love to hate, “Me.” He bluntly said, pushing his plate away from him as he leaned back into the chair.

I laughed, taking a sip of the wine again as my eyes didn’t leave his for one second, “Yeah, right. You’ve been denying my advances the whole time I’ve been here. We’re probably just gonna cuddle like we have been until you fall asleep on me.” I shook my head, rolling my eyes as I took another sip of the wine.

Nikki stared at me before that confident smirk reappeared, “Because I wanted to wait till you had to leave. I have to let you go with a good impression.” He retorted as I watched his ringed fingers loosen up his tie before they slipped down and unbuttoned his shirt half way, exposing the tattoos on his chest and a necklace he was wearing.

My heart started racing as the shit eating grin I had going on faded away. I watched as he got up from the table, my eyes not leaving his for one second as he tugged on my hand and led me to the bedroom, his grip was tight around me.

When Nikki pulled me in to the bedroom, he wrapped his hand around the nape of my neck before crashing his lips onto mine. I groaned when my back hit the door. He held me close to him, the kiss was deep and it was hungry. Hungry for me, hungry for him.

His hand traveled from my neck down to my back, pushing me against him as I felt his fingers pull the zipper down. My hand tugged at the shirt that was tucked into his tight leather pants. He broke the kiss as his lips trailed down to my shoulder when he pushed the straps off of me, letting the dress hit the floor. He exhaled deeply when he saw that I wasn’t wearing any panties.

He raised an eyebrow as his gaze met mine, “I forgot?” I laughed nervously as he smiled. I chewed on my bottom lip, “Kiss me again.” I said, grabbing him by his belt buckle and pulling him towards me. He obliged as my hands cupped his jaw and as his arms wrapped around my waist. Without breaking the kiss he walked us over to the bed, laughing as he fell on top of me.

His lips soon found their way to my neck and chest as I quickly unbuttoned the rest of his shirt before pushing it off his shoulders. The tie was still wrapped around his neck, I gently tugged on it to bring his lips to meet mine once more. He propped himself up as he looked into my eyes, “I love you, Vanity.”

I smoothed his hair out, nails running over the shaved sides, “I love you too, Nikki.” He smiled before he lowered his lips to my neck, hands wandering down my body. He reached underneath me, skillfully unclasping my bra and pulling it off my skin.

Nikki was quick to lower himself, placing light bites as he moved his way down south. He pushed my legs apart more before grazing his teeth against my hips. I watched intently as I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to close my legs as he nipped and sucked at my inner thighs.

He suddenly flicked his tongue across my clit, groaning as he started making figure eights. I let out a breathy moan as he dived between the folds, his hands gripping my hips to keep me from moving.

He brought his hand in between my legs, his thumb brushing over my clit as he continued pleasuring me with his mouth.

He teased my entrance with his fingers before slipping one inside slowly before pulling it out again, “Nikki...” I moaned quietly, closing my eyes as he readjusted himself: laying flat on his stomach with my legs draped over his shoulders. His hands came up and gently cupped and kneaded my breasts.

He slowly inched a finger inside of my core, his moans sending vibrations through me as he started to curl his finger inside, before quickly adding another one, his tongue still lapping at my clit feverishly.

“God, Nikki.” I moaned, roughly tugging on his hair with one hand while the other gripped the bed sheets. Nikki licked his lips as he looked up at me, gently pressing a kiss against the wet skin as he leaned back on his knees, still deeply fingering me as his thumb rubbed deep circles into my clit.

His fingers sped up, curling against my sweet spot as I reached for his wrist, “I-I’m gonna cum..” I moaned out, hips starting to grind into his hand as he chuckled. Nikki crawled on top of me, hand still in between my thighs as he placed his lips on mine. I groaned into his kiss, tasting myself on his tongue. I broke the kiss, gently nipping his bottom lip as I felt myself tighten around his fingers, “That’s it good girl, show me how much you missed me.” Nikki praised, seeing that arrogant smirk as I closed my eyes shut, choking on my own moans and breath as I felt myself release around his fingers.

My moans became louder when Nikki wouldn’t stop, pushing me over the edge once more. He gripped my hips, making me stay pinned to the bed as I cried out for him, “Fuck! Nikki!!” I reached for his hand, he slowly pulled out as I felt empty and needing more.

I watched him as he sucked his glistening fingers dry. He sighed in contempt as he watched me sit on my knees in front of him, “So god damn beautiful.” He moaned, pressing a soft kiss on me. My fingers trembled as I reached for his belt buckle, quickly undoing it as I pulled his pants down slightly, exposing the red lips that were tattooed on his hip before he stopped me.

“As much as I love your lips wrapped around my dick, I’m gonna pass for right now.” He said, gently pushing me down on my back again. I watched him tug his pants off, his hard member springing up at full attention. I placed my hand on his chest, nails clawing down as he rested in between my legs.

He reached over to the nightstand, opening it up as he pulled out a condom. His hips jerked forward when I lightly tugged on his cock, thumb brushing over the tip. He quickly smacked my hand away as he rolled the condom onto him.

“I just wanna feel you.” He mumbled, lowering his head down to the side of my neck, gently dragging his teeth down the side before kissing my shoulder.

Nikki’s eyes stayed locked on mine when he entered inside of me slowly. My lips gaped open, head being thrown back as he kissed my chin.

Nikki’s thrusts were slow into me as he whispered sweet words into my ear, “I love you so god damn much.” He kisses below my ear, “You’re my whole world, Van. You’re all I want and need.” He kissed the side of my temple.

“You’re-“ I interrupted, “Are you making love to me, Sixx?” I asked, giggling underneath him as I rubbed the back of his shoulders.

He smiled, pecking my lips, “If you could shut the fuck up for once maybe I can.” He retorted, shaking his head as he looked down at what he was doing.

“I don’t have too, though. I may be sober but...” he stopped talking, immediately wrapping his hand around my throat as I let out a sigh, “But I’m still as sleazy as before.”

I brought my bottom lip in between his teeth as he tightened his grip around my neck, only for him to give me deep and hard thrusts. He let go of my throat before pressing his lips against mine as he continued his movements, filling me up to the brim of explosion.

Nikki reached for my legs, throwing them over his shoulders as he gave me every inch of himself. By the look on his face, I could tell he was enjoying every moment of this, which I mean, Why wouldn’t he? Everything was in perfect view. He watched his cock slide in and out of me with ease as he grabbed one of my tits. His free hand massaging the sensitive bud as I felt myself tighten around him. Hot white emotions flashing over me as I held my breath.

“Nikki, don’t stop. Oh my god.” I moaned out, feeling myself cum around him. He grunted, his hips not stuttering for one moment as he threw his head back in pleasure.

“So warm...so fucking wet for me. Fuck.” Nikki moaned before wrapping his arms around my back, rolling us over so I was on top of him.

My hips skillfully grinded against his, making myself take all of him as I rested my hands on his chest, nails digging into him as he began forcing his hips up to meet mine.

He placed a well timed slap against my ass, causing me to puncture him with my nails even more. He grimaced before smiling, taking my hands into his as he held them at my hips.

“Fuck, Van!” Nikki groaned, tilting his head back as I leaned over and peppered kisses down his neck and chest, his moans vibrating onto my lips.

“On your fucking knees, now.” I bit my lip, getting off of him. There’s the vile and sleazy Nikki I knew.

“You got the sweetest little pussy, Y’know that?” He groaned, lining up his hard member with my core as he gently rubbed against my clit before slowly pushing inside of me, moans simultaneously erupting from the both of us.

“All mine, all of you.” He moaned, placing his hands on my hips, gripping tightly as he trailed his lips down up my back before roughly biting the top of my shoulder.

He freed one of his hands, wrapping it into my hair as he yanked me up against his chest, my hands resting against his sides, “You still belong to me, even after all this god damn time. Always have and always will be mine, understand?” He grumbled, with lips placed against my ear. His thrusts inside of me didn’t subside for one second.

I nodded my head, wincing as the grip on my hair became tighter, “I’m-im yours.” I said quietly, placing my hands on his forearm that was wrapped around my waist.

“Are you now? Because I don’t believe you. Could you repeat that for me, darling?” He said, his hand letting go of my hair and wrapping around the front of my neck once more as he thrusted into me hard, almost to the point where it hurt but the pleasure it gave me was more rewarding.

“Fuck! I’m yours Nikki! I’m yours!”

I saw that smile out of the corner of my eye. He relaxed his grip around my body as he continued the merciless thrusting into me. His hand came in between my legs, rubbing deep circles against my clit.

I moaned his name, arching my hips up to his. I closed my eyes tightly, feeling the overwhelming rush of ecstasy that was tipping over the edge, “Nikki, I’m so close.”

He pulled out of me, yanking me down to the bed as I was on my back. I looked up at him, my hand going in between my legs as he smiled at me. Nikki crawled on top of me, quickly situating himself inside and kissing me deeply as I moaned into his mouth. He broke the kiss as he watched what was going on between my thighs.

“God damnit...” He groaned, trailing his lips down my chest before they connected with my tits, his mouth going back and forth between them before he kissed me again, “So fucking perfect, Van.” He panted into my ear as he started speeding up, his fingers now toying with my clit once more.

My lips parted as I dug my nails into his back when he gripped my thighs so he could fuck me deeper. I placed soft kisses and a rough bite against his neck.

“C’mon, Princess. Cum for me, let me know how good I make you feel.” He breathed into my neck, and right on queue I felt myself release around his cock, “Nikki!!” I cried out as he groaned loudly, his thrusts began to get sloppy as I felt his release right after mine like clock work. He stayed inside of me, riding out both of our orgasms. He moved his lips slowly against mine, my hands sprawled out over his back that was covered in a thin layer of sweat. I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him closer to me. He moaned into the kiss, moving strands of my hair out of his way.

I gently nipped the bottom of his lip, resulting him to tug on my hair, tilting my head back as he kissed down my neck then back up to my lips. I felt him leave my over stimulated heat, but he still stayed in between my legs. He rested his head against my chest as he laid down on top of me. His fingers dancing over my collar bone as I raked my nails through his jet black hair.

“I love you, Nikki.” I told him, as he perched himself up, hands on either side of my head, “I love you too, doll. So damn much.” He pecked my lips before finally leaving the bed and left the room.

“Fuck.” I laughed at myself, pushing my hair out of my face as I sat up in the bed. He came back in, now wearing a pair of black Calvin Klein boxer briefs.

He walked over to his dresser, pulling out a Girls, Girls, Girls shirt and handing it to me. I slipped it on, pulling down the covers for us as we both laid underneath him.

He laid on his stomach, wrapping an arm around my waist as he had his head turned towards me, “Van, do you really have to go tomorrow? Just stay with me and we’ll go home in a month.”

I relaxed under his touch as I turned my head to him, “I wish I could stay too but Francisco will put my head on a chopping block.” I chuckled as he did too.

“I still don’t get why you have to work, you have a fuck load of money, and I do too.” I scrunched up my eyebrows, “What’s that suppose to mean?” I said, poking his cheek as he smiled with closed eyes.

“You don’t gotta work if we’re together, you have money and I have money so you’ll be taken care of.” He explained as I let out a laugh.

“Good joke, sixx.” I rolled my eyes as I felt him kiss the side of my arm, “I work so I won’t be bored. I like working.”

It was his turn to laugh, “Nobody truly likes working. I’m just saying doll, if you didn’t want to work anymore , it’d be cool with me. You could go on every tour.”

I shook my head, “let’s...let’s play it by ear, okay?” I said, sinking into the bed as I moved closer to him, my finger tips running up and down his bare arm compared to the other one that was decked out in multiple colors.

“Sorry, I’m not meaning to jump the gun. I’m just..I’m just excited we’re together.” I smiled wide at his words.

“We’re gonna have so much fun, you and I.” I whispered, pressing my lips to his as I felt his form a smile into the kiss.

“Just Vanity and Nikki.”

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ofphcenixes · 5 years

Text

( ooc note about why i am the absolute worst ! )

this is such a random note i know, and admittedly i’ve spent the entire day composing this. so if it’s a little disjointed or illogical, i want to apologise in advance ! however i have included this nice gif of luke - it doesn’t have anything to do with the post, just thought it would make it more appealing dkjfgdf. admittedly this is going to be a bit of a Long Boi™, but it is kinda.... relevant if you’ve ever tried to write/plot with me, or are wondering what’s going on with nate. behold, all your answers are below ! i’ll put a tldr at the bottom plus a nifty little vine compilation for anyone that reads this but, please don’t feel pressured to do so ! ya girl is just a Mess dkfjgd.

the first thing i want to address is the elephant in the room; nathaniel ballantyne. i know a lot of people are curious about his fate, his place in the plot drop, why he vanished so much earlier than everyone else. is he actually guilty ? is he a martyr ? is he a red herring ? well, here’s the tea on mr nathaniel ballantyne:

he is on indefinite hiatus.

a lot of people probably wonder why. i will get into the specifics of the why in a little bit (when i said this was a Long Boi i was not kidding lmfao), but basically... he’s a very difficult character to write. i am not a veteran rper, and in all honesty, i can count on my hands the amount of rps i’ve been in. and there are only 5 characters i’ve ever written about and cared enough to remember. one of those is nate. for those of you that know him, he is a strange and eccentric character. entirely up his own ass at times, pretentious as hell. but he, to me, was a character i grew attached to. he was different from people i normally write, and despite how abstract he was, he was.... realistic to me. my deep rooted attachment to him is why it took me so long to see how hard it was for me to write replies with him, to understand the guilt i felt any time i plotted or wrote with him, and the fact he was so mentally taxing it would take five times as much time to write a reply for him than it would any other character. but the sad truth is, even though i only felt guilt related to him, even though i haven’t had muse for him honestly for months now, i kept him. because i love him, even if he isn’t loved by many others. and so part of the reason he is now where he is is the simple fact that i know he didn’t mesh with the group, and that’s okay ! he was a very difficult character to reply to, and now that he is gone, i feel that burden of guilt lifting already.

as for his plot related departure, the truth is i didn’t have the heart to kill him off, hence why he kinda is just out there in a weird in between space dkjfgdf. and ( as i’ll explain below ) if my life ever does even out at any point, i really want to bring him back should there be space for him. so this indefinite hiatus was made for many reasons, and it absolutely broke my heart to have to get to this point. i love nate, and i am going to miss him. and i hope that in due time, i will have the capacity to bring him back soon ! but in case i don’t, i just want everyone to know that i appreciate every second i spent writing with you all on nate, and that the time and effort people poured into him means the world to me. and i’m so, so sorry to the people who are disappointed in me for this, because i know there are probably a few. i have let so many of you down, and honestly this is a burden i am going to carry for a very long time. i am going to message people tomorrow when i am more Coherent so, i promise to do my best to atone for this kgdf.

but to segue into that a little more ( oh look, another elephant in the room ! what is this, dumbo 2: electric boogaloo ), as an admin, i know there are expectations we are supposed to meet. examples we should set. precedents we have to lay down.

and i know i have disappointed every single one of you in this rp.

from my slow ( to non-existent ) dash activity, for the anxiety that has left me unable to reply to dms or reply in the main group chat, to even the fear of godmodding in ask memes on a thursday. i know this seems perfectly illogical to most, and again, i completely understand the disappointment that so many of you feel towards me. and it’s that very disappointment which djkgdf ironically has made it harder for me to get on and be the admin that you all deserve.

the real difficult thing about all of this is, i love veritas. and for those of you who were in veritas 1, would know that this is not who i usually am. this experience is not representative of the person i want to be, nor the rper that i usually present myself as. but as to avoid going into too triggering content and bothering you all with tmi details about my life problems lmfao, please rest assured that these past few months have been. absolutely brutal for me. from almost losing my opa to illness, from ongoing family issues and expectations, being kicked out of home among a list of other shit, my mental health has been as low as gfkdgdf it has ever been in my life tbh, and it’s been the hardest thing in the world to get on. all my attentions with veritas has been in the main, as the main is a very taxing job ( as you know, we are very plot centric ! ) and i would more often than not get so worn out with being an admin, my characters fell by the wayside. not to mention, as sort of dkfgjdf touched on before, i have massive anxiety when it comes to messaging people. why ? i don’t know. especially as i have wanted to plot with all of you extensively and deeply since we opened, and reading every single app made my heart beat a little faster with joy. i am so honoured to be an admin here, and each and every one of you are such an incredible writer and person that i can’t help but feel overwhelmed and guitlty about how much i have let you all down. especially for those who sent me dms that i either forgot about or never replied to because i got so anxious, i feel so guilty every day about it all and i just wish i could go back in time and change it.

and the reality is, if i wasn’t an admin and co-creator of this group, i probably would have dropped out a long time ago, give the space to someone worthy, and i wouldn’t be filled with so much guilt. but the truth is, i am a selfish person dgdgdf. veritas has been that sort of dkfgjdf good, steady thing in my life that i looked forward to, and i couldn’t bear the thought of losing that. each and every one of you create the fabric that is this amazing atmosphere, and even though i’m less seen and heard compared to most others in this group, being part of veritas gives me a sense of belonging. and in a strange sense, a home. yes, i know i was selfish, and yes, i should have handled things much better than i did. but you all need to know from the bottom of my heart how sorry i am for everything that has transpired. ):

but i think the worst part of it all is that, my beautiful co-admin maaria, and my best friend. among letting you all down, i know i have let her down the most. and i just want to take my soapbox moment for a second here and really put light into how much maaria has done for this group. especially when my own life has been in shambles, and knowing she’s going through her own problems, she always provides for you all. she is always here, always online, always around to make you laugh or smile. she provides for all of us, and is honestly a miracle worker. i don’t think i will ever deserve her forgiveness for everything, but i hope she knows how loved she is, and i hope you all show her your sentiments too ! she is the heart of veritas, and fdjg she means the world to me, and i just really want her to know that.

but that was. a lot of emotions and obviously i haven’t talked about everything in my life ( i do not want to bore you and honestly i don’t wanna make y’all sad dkfjghdkfjgdfgdf ) none of this really means anything if things aren’t going to change. so get ready for some Bullet Point Action because here is my proposal:

nEw SkElEtOn: although nate is on hiatus and sorta just gonna, float out there in the void of time, and even though i really want to bring him back soon i don’t know if/when i will, i have felt immense guilt for hoarding his spot in this rp for someone who could be more active. hence, a solution: a new skeleton ! as i am not comfortable with nate’s skeleton being open, we have created a new skeleton with connections to all nate’s old connections, which should hit the main very soon !

new discord: this is probably unnecessary but dfkgjdfg i have a lot of anxiety about discord. when i get a new message i’m always like ??? AAH A GHOST. idk why. and because of that, i skip a message once, and now there are so many unanswered messages i have a heart attack every time i open my app. so, to prevent that, i am going to make a new discord account ! ( lilacrps #i forgot the number lmao ). i will be adding everyone as Friends and if you’ve ever sent me something i never responded to, or for some odd reason you wanna talk to me, a human mess, please know now that with a fresh slate i will ensure i can reply to you. i am not gonna let my anxiety win this time.

schedule: part of my issue is that i dfkjgdf always felt pressure to do everything all the time and then when i couldn’t, i fell under pressure. so dkfgjdf i am now having designated plotting and reply days ! so even though i hope to be far more active in both regards, i just need people to understand things won’t be instant, but i am holding myself accountable not only for myself, but for the rp - as that is what an admin should do.

this got super long and i highly doubt anyone is actually gonna read this lmao BUT. the main point is - i love every single one of you all so much, and i can’t apologise enough for how much i have let you all down. i know we all feel it, and i’m more than happy to accept my flaws and how blatant they’ve been in the past few months. so this is my pledge to every single one of you that i promise to do better (and if i don’t, you can kick me out dkjfgdf).

TLDR: I have been a terrible admin and friend, and I’m here to say sorry. With a new discord and personal plotting schedule, things are going to change.

If I can’t cure my depression, maybe I can cure yours.

#( ooc ; i have the power of god and anime on my side ! )#tw: depression #tw: mental health

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