#i also feel so bad about myself because im not a very talkative person on tumblr

[barkingangelbaby]

I feel like such a broken fucking person lol

I talked way too much in the tags don't read them

#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!! #been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust #i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short #i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways #i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and #i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc #we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk. #i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus #t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do #n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on #being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it #I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her #like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky #i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up #i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on #like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything #idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions #today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others #i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day #rAMbles

[hella1975]

by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn

#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem #& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss #and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified #whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing #but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!! #like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard #(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha) #is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this #like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp #and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life #and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM #THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER #SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME #but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself #and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it #like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe #that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love #or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress) #and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness #otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc #and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway #like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done #('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us) #whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me #and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response #AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT #like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart #ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum #but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism #taob updates

[hellhoundlair]

venting sorry. i get emotional thinking of the media both me and my dad loved growing up and the father daughter bonds that were the highlights of those movies and tv shows to him and i feel like i failed

#my dad and i used to watch adventure time together and my dad LOVED simon and marcy and he learnt daddy why did you eat my fries on the #guitar and i used to sing it with him. and one time when i was 14 ish and severely depressed and anxious we had people over #and my dad was talking about adventure time lmao and was getting his guitar and wanted me to sing it with him and i just said NO. #because i was mad at him. and embarassed. and we never sung it together ever again. its been too long now. that window has closed. #but i wish we could #my relationships with my dad never really recovered after my teen years and its hard to talk to him. #i wish i could talk to him. we are really similar. in the bad ways too #vent #SORRY GUYS i need to find a therapist #my family just never talks abt their feelings. or when they do its when theyre angry. i dont feel like i can bring this up to them. #i just hate knowing i rejected my dad like that. he probably saw me not wanting to sing w him as very personal. not that hed ever say it #AND FUCKIN INTERSTELLAR me and my dad both loved interstellar at a time when i was -again- severely depressed and locking myself in my room #and the father and daughter go have scenes that feel very similar to things that were going on in my house at the time. where shes #baracading the door and not letting people in. it rly hit home is what im saying #and my dad loved the movie i loved it too but the family relationships in the movie were never discussed whenever we talked abt it #but for christmas one year my dad gave me a watch. like the one fuckin matthew mcconoughey give his daughter in the movie #and i wear it all the time. it makes me fuckin cry sometimes that stupid fucking watch. but it means so much. #i just wish hed talk abt his fucking feelings so i wouldnt need a watch to know my dad still loves me #also this post is about transitioning and my dad feeling like he lost that father daughter bond with me but we wont get into all that

[8rujaa]

okay, i might let people in

#i’ve been nonstop talking to this person for a few days now #like nonstop we’ll have multiple convos going at once and having to use voice messages to catch up to everything lol #our conversations have yet to die since the first one we’ve had #it feels very very very refreshing to find someone who can keep up #and we have so many things in common but like i’ve always found myself to be a lil weird and have out of the ordinary interests #not trying to say that ‘i’m not like other girls’ LMFAO but it’s hard to find ppl with this many things in common #like one or two things i get but we’ve been able to connect on so many things #even like chronic pain which like is nice to find someone who understands #so now i’m like actually excited for the first time about meeting someone #i’m very very excited and they’re so so so sweet #i feel like i can always tell who’s been in therapy because we tend to carry conversations in a similar way … does that make sense??? 🤣 #like u know how there’s ‘gentle parenting’ #i feel like there’s a specific way people who have been in therapy speak to others #they’re always so mindful of boundaries and also reciprocal #in conversations #we also have the same taste in music which is wild cuz i listen to every genre in existence and music from many different languages/culture #our spotify blend goes crazy 🤣🤣 #we’ve only been talking for a week so i’m trying not to get my hopes up but im just excited 😆😆😆 #lmao but like even if we just end up becoming friends i’m still happy to meet someone who’s so similar :D #i’ve been wanting friends who also struggle with the same things so we can do selfcare things together or maybe just chill on high pain day #and we will know how to be there for each other a little better than ppl who don’t get it.. i crave that real bad 🥲 #i realize i sound delulu as fuck cuz i haven’t even met them in person but i can already tell we’re going to get along 😌😌😌😌 #i’m aware of how delulu i sound and maybe i’m getting my hopes up but it truly does feel like i was waiting for someone like this 🥹

[we-dont-talk-about-potato-nonono]

I hope your day/night gets better 💜 sending positivity your way💜💜

(You don’t have to answer)

jfkfjfje YOU’RE AN ANGEL OK PLEASE NEVER FORGET THAT 😭✨💫👍💖🫂🩵

thank you so much for this message ❤️ i’ll get there in the end (i hope) this ask means a lot <3 sending positivity on your way too!!

#tbh lately im just being. cranky and wasting time I know it 😔 #my life feels like a telltale game rn #too many decisions #and I just have to wait and see if they end up being the right one #a little miserable for a bit since my cat went missing and a best friend of mine is at hospital…. but i’ll be okay…. #thats why i had to close my req for now #i also feel so bad about myself because im not a very talkative person on tumblr #idk how to interact because of my anxiety😭 im the worse #but seriously i read all the tags and notifs from u guys and it made me very happy!! #i promise im not ignore it im just so shy to talk haha #hm ok enough about me #anyway I hope you’re better than okay 🤍 have a lovely day/night #sending you loads of love and reassurance! #sorry for too many tags…. #wholesome #lovely ask #ask

[piplupod]

head in my hands. i promise i am not a scary unhinged person fdsgjkl, and none of my silly happy posting is fake, i am just very good at repressing and partitioning things. i can be having the worst day of my life and still enjoy jokes and be genuinely having a good time with my silly little characters and stories i come up with. this brain LOVES to section off shit that is genuinely unbearable (because how else do you live with that? if not putting it in a place where you cannot feel it?) so that i can cope and find joy in life still fsdjkl i simply love having a good time too much to ever make it up

#pippen needs 2nd breakfast #i want to make friends and be a pleasant person to be around so badly but fhdsjkl then . this household hurts me as it is wont to do #and i have a small breakdown here bc it all feels so awful and i feel like if i keep it locked inside and hidden i will actually CrackTM #and then i feel like that is . well. understandably! a lot! for other ppl to see #and it is very upsetting and scary and awful to read. i know. im so well aware fjdskl #but also augh. augh augh augh. i try very hard to not post abt things as much as i humanly can avoid doing so #but i am very silly and fuck up my own rules for myself when i have a particularly bad experience w mother o' mine #i am worried that if i say anything to the effect of ''life is terrible and i am straight up not having a good time'' #then it makes all my other posting look disingenuous or smth. i am literally just posting what is on my brain currently when i post stuff #and oftentimes my brain is like... a silly little swirl-patterned rubber bouncy ball with a happy face on it HDSGJKL #that is like... a lot of my whole deal as a part of the brain fsdfjkl #even with all the grief and upset i can still have a good time bc we stay silly !!!! by god we stay silly through it all !!! #i will shrug my shoulders and say ''ah well what can ya do!'' after getting screamed at or told i'm a disappointment to the family lmfao #because honestly... what can you do dsfkl it is what it is and theres rly nothing i can do about this all #anyways i am talking toooooo much sorry fdsjgkl once again i will delete all this later so i dont upset ppl too much dsjkl augh augh sorry

[arcaneyouth]

honestly its so disheartening to regularly see shit like kinning or shifting or whatever theyre calling that get so shit on by most people, or to have the meaning change to something more tame and palatable for most people. i believe in that shit in a spiritual/religious kind of way. but unfortunately other people like me can be real fucking annoying about it in an easy to make fun of way so i probably shouldnt express that shit unless i want to be made fun of as well.

like even if they're being cringe about it and even if theyre not doing it for spiritual reasons like me maybe dont? make fun of them? for being cringe? and going "stupid idiot doesn't know its not real"?? yeah i dont think these people should be insisting this is scientific when its very much not but also like hey leave us alone maybe

#negative #i consider myself agnostic but ive also have some very solid thoughts about how this universe and others work #and shit like kinning and shifting fall in place with those ideas and they make me so happy #no i dont think theres scientific evidence for it and i dont blame anyone who doesnt believe it #but its my personal beliefs?? and everyone who publicly shares those beliefs with me gets made fun of and its so 😰 #i feel like ive had to shove this shit down especially as im getting older and no longer have the excuse of being a cringey teen #but i do still wholeheartedly believe in this kind of thing. and it kinda just makes me sad im never gonna be able to really express that #because the vocal few being kinda annoying about it have given this shit a bad rep #also the shift in the meaning of kinning is so so sad to me because people talk about kinning and i go !! oh they are like me! #but no they are not. it is a list of characters they project onto and not #yknow. #so many people ive told about my beliefs and experiences have insisted on finding rational solutions to why im like this #including insisting i have DID (i dont) or some kind of psychosis (i dont.) or otherwise putting a label i never wanted on me #i dont believe my experiences have scientific explanation. its fucking spiritual to me. can we not leave it at that. #wow did not realize how upset i am about this until typing this all out #anyways no follow up questions unless you are being polite please goodbye

[xamaxenta]

It’s difficult to not feel discouraged sometimes when your partner is also an artist and happens to be faster than you in every conceivable way

This doesn’t bother me often because everyone is different and comparing production time and skill against each other or anyone is detrimental mostly and its ok to have your own workflow

but it does weigh on me vaguely sometimes sometimes that she can finish 2-3 full coloured pieces within a week and ive been painfully scratching out the same number but theyre only sketches that ill never revisit within a month

None of this actually matters in the long run, it just makes me feel bad on occasion

#like i should be doing more #im very sorry for complaining so much online #i just dont really have any other way to express myself #i know some of you have generously and kindly reached out to me to offer an ear #but my fatal flaw is i cant talk to anyone about my problems i just idk it was beaten into me that none of it matter #matters or my problems arent a big deal and i know ots healthy to think actuallt my problems are worth talking about or a big deal #but its hard to change a behaviour that was kinda literally beaten jnto you that talking about stuff likw this is a waste of time #i guess i just feel bad that i could do more and i dont because i dont want to #but i also want to if that makes any sense at all #i suppose it also doesnt help that alot of the work im doing right now i actually sorta hate like none of it is good to me personally #i want to stop being toxic towards myself #i just wanna stop hating me and who i am and what i do every step of the way #but that mean little voice inside me is like ahh. it wont shut up #I always say i need a break or more time but what am i gonna do with it #doing nothing at all isnt fulfilling #it sounds. sad like what teenager me did and i dont want to be or feel like that ever again but its fuckjng hard #this is so woe is me #im a liar bc i say the main text doesnt bother me but it bothers me alot im very envious of her speed prolificness and drive to create #and i have none like thats so unfair #this makes me sound ultra bitter god fucking damn it #i want to go to sleep and genuinely never fucking wake up again #please im done i just dont want to

[viderose]

he’s annoying, i don’t like him (he hasn’t given me as much attention lately)

#im fighting for my life out here #i feel so childish and annoying. like rationally ik i can’t have his undivided attention. but that doesn’t mean i don’t want it sometimes🥺 #i think what actually is happening is that im worrying he’s about to ghost #i feel bad thinking that though. bc he seems like a very honest and mature person? with how he talks abt things i don’t think he would rly #ghost me after talking for this amount of time. but ya never can tell…. every time we don’t talk as much for a few days i get very nervous #and it’s weirdly quite difficult to push that worry out of my head. and then i get annoyed with myself for worrying about it to begin with #like i can’t control what he does so why worry about his hypothetical actions? i’ll deal w the consequences of them if or when they occur. #if we stop talking i’ll feel sad and i’ll miss him for a bit and then i’ll get over it. that’s all. it’s not that bad. #but anyway my point is we good #sometimes idk if id truly feel That sad. i think it depends how it ends. #or maybe i just don’t think anyone can hurt my feelings as much as the first person to hurt my feelings in a specific way #like you experience a loss or betrayal or grief - whatever - the first time and it’s all encompassing. it feels like it could genuinely kill #you it hurts so bad. and every subsequent loss or betrayal or grief you experience just isn’t the same? you barely flinch #maybe it’s because you learn to process those emotions better or maybe it’s keeping things at arm’s length as a protective measure #that means nothing hurts as much as the first thing #idk #this became a silly ramble #im just very attached to him and i miss him when he’s busy but also don’t want to ask too much for fear of being a nuisance or rejected :) #ykwim? #i miss him a lot

[horrorwebs]

fucking hell fucking hell is she gonna reject me? i want to let sth out for a second and didnt want to tell my psychologist until i have answers so. tags it is

#so. i told my friend i like her. i really really do you cant imagine how much. this was while i was away on a trip last week and we were #messaging.honestly i wanted to be brave enough to tell her in person but i tried already and i was tired of waiting for 'the perfect moment #i was tired of not doing anything ever and watching my life go by. so i drann a bit and told her. not bc i was a bit drunk thats just an #excuse. i was plenty conscious and still scared as fuck (so much that after i sent the message i took a lap around the building lol) #she said i should be scared first. then that she wasnt sure what to say. in her words 'more yes than no. but i dont know what to say' #understandable. she prob wasnt expecting it and its not amazing to have a conversation like that through text (despite the fact that our #relationship has always relied heavily on texting cause weve always stayed up talking. like from day 1) #anyway. she said that before we met she had a crush on me (i already knew this) and that she sometimes felt this way too wbut was scared i #didnt feel that way as well and didnt wanna risk anything so didnt do anything (granted. but she DID say plenty of ambiguous things + #told me i could sleep w her then um. slept on top of me. hugging. you know) #my friend said this was a good sign i was nervous and told her that i thought it was weird and she said her response was p good #and later she uploaded on her cf story a video that said a ring she shares w me is her 'married ring' so i think thats good?? #but also. we havent talked yet (hard to do in 15 min at school) and i have a bad fweling #i feel shes going to say sth like she likes me but doesnt want to risk what we have esp considering her other friends sometimes treat her #badly/exclude her and that shes worried if we fight we are going to lose our friendship + shes going to lose my friends as well #which is well. stupid of course. because i always want her in my life. i think she knows this. i want her to know this. #ever since we met i want her in my life and i cant stop thinking about her and how i miss her and her eyes and how she hugs me and GOD #THE OTHER DAY WHEN WE SAW EACH OTHER AFTER I WENT ON A WEEK LONG TRIP SHE FUCKIN. LIFTED ME OFF THE GROUND AND. CARRIED ME AROUND #HONESTLY IT WAS A BIT EMBARASSING THERE WERE LOTS OF PPL SRIUND AND IM A VERY PRIVATE PERSON BUT I WAS SO HAPPY !!!! #and idk i just dont want her to reject me. shes the first person i really like and i see myself together with. we have so much in common an #we understand each other and we are GOOD for each other. shes so good for my life and i want to believe i am as awell and god how i #want to kiss her and call her my girlfriend and just. agh #its exhausting liking someone huh #loveposting #spikeposting #if anyone has read this far omg hi thank you what do you think?

[beesholmes]

.

#hello so yeah i talked to my friend #basically she played the victim and blamed me for not being so social and she KNOWS i am going through very hard times rn #i told her earlier to not take it personal i just don't want to interact with irls in general #but she basically thinks i dont like them and i dont tell anything about my life #which is a lie #i do tell them things about myself #do i really HAVE TO tell my feelings when im in depression #my therapist thinks i should communicate with people but she also wants me to take it easy #because what i am going through is a bit...hard to process #and my friends know that #idk i just want people to be patient with me #im really trying to push myself but its not easy at all #i just #want to stay at home forever #and like #maybe turn off my phone and just sleep and read books and watch shows #friends are usually there for you when you're going through tough times but i feel like #i have no one...i mean i do but i still feel incredibly alone #nobody gets it and im not blaming them for it but idk...i feel bad already for not being social like i used to #i think i just need some time and patience #anyways...will delete it later #tw rant #tw mental health

[shuckstruck]

hello sorry if u saw my tags fit earlier

#it’s Not very representative of my views it’s just sometimes u gotta get it out u kno #and i think it’d be a lot easier to handle and react appropriately to if like #all the rhetoric wasn’t so goddamn intent on making u feel like a Bad Person #like. besties we’ve proven time and time again that this is a shit method to changing ppls minds #i saw someone retweet smthn the other day that was like #‘i kno it’s hard but plz keep trying’ and it made me like ‘god. they’re right i should.’ #AND THE PERSON WHO REBLOGGED IT #WHO I KNO AND WHO KNOWS ME #WAS LIKE ‘if ur not masking with an n95 24/7 i’m blocking u #like BRO THIS IS NOT! HELPFUL!!!! #IT MAKES ME HURT AND MAD AND REACT IN WAYS THAT IS NEITHER HELPFUL OR REFLECTIVE OF MY IDEALS!! #and i’m pretty good about those things!! typically!! #but it rly gets under ur skin. when it’s the only rhetoric ur seeing. and nobody is taking the time to hear u out and talk to u #IDK. SORRY TO THROW A PITY PARTY FOR MYSELF #WE’RE ONLY HUMAN. ALSO ITS MY BLOG. SOMETIMES IM ALLOWED A PITY PARTY #spoke to my more sensible roommate tho. feeling better. #not because she agrees with me. to be clear. just cause we were having a normal fucking level headed conversation about it. jesus christ #rumbles

[pepprs]

literally for so many reasons i should not do this program tomorrow but explaining why i can’t would be so embarrassing but also i really shouldn’t. lol

#i keep panicking bc i don’t know how to talk abt this in a way that makes it safe for ANYONE. it feels wildly wildly inappropriate to be #participating in a conversation about such an intensely personal sensitive thing LET ALONE facilitating one as someone who has been touched #by it directly. and maybe that’s just me being weird abt this entire broad topic my whole life and uncomfortable at the prospect of even #saying the broad words and touching on the overall topic but this really really feels unbearable and bad. but also i can’t not do it so. lol #purrs #the thought of telling my story and going as deep as i possibly can which might trigger someone when i don’t know who is in the room and #THEN hearing stories from everyone in the room — people i KNOW!!! interact with on a daily basis!!’ — about what horrific things they mightv #been through and getting triggered by that. AND possibly also having ppl in the room who think it’s all bullshit and will say stuff and #everyone else is allowed to react if they’re triggered by that but i am not because im the facilitator and my job is to deescalate. like lol #how am i supposed to do any one of those things. potentially all of them. i feel like collapsing and to say why it makes me feel like #collapsing would involve me having to explain this to people i know anyway so either way im fucked. and like i do want to talk about it very #much but also i dont. at least not until i know what everyone has gone through first. bc i don’t want to hurt anyone bc it can be painful an #and i get hurt by hearing stories too. which is like dumb bc it’s not even MY thing to have stories about lol but im still like this. anyway #this is clearly something i need to be working thru in therapy bc it impacts my life in ways literally no one else in the world sees or #knows about but i don’t know if i will ever be able to bring it up in therapy bc it is just so uncomfortable and embarrassing for me. lol #and like i know km going to contradict myself in even telling the story too which will open the door for someone on the other side to do a #gotcha. and i don’t even know what to do w that. i don’t trust anyone who might be in that room to listen or understand or protect me which #i especially should just let go of because as the facilitator im the person who has to do the protecting. and it sucks bc i need protecting #with this and i will have to pretend im strong and healthy about it when really i have no right to be leading a conversation about it or #even talking about it bc it happened to me but not in ways that anybody even thinks about or cares to think about. so lol. ok stop rambling #even before this all started i have a tjougjt related to this topic every single day. every single one. and it just makes me squirm to think #that now i have to talk about it bc it’s my job. and i really really want to. and i really really don’t

[strwbrymlkshake]

literalyl insane if my dumb feelings don't go away I'll have to start a normal normal rant tag for him I think –_–

#mine #i feel so bad i havent talked to anyone except my group thats involved in my hyperfixation recently uwagh #i will try to take a break tomorrow. hyperfixation doubled with guy im kind of obsessed with creates literally no time for anything else #im still taking care of myself while being so fixated i cant move for several hours. good on me for that #anyways anyways i tried not to be deranged today. not even fathoming romance atm im just happy i get to be around him teehee #made me rly think about how hes been very chill with everything ive ever said to him even tho i am a little freak . which is uncommon #i am not daydreaming about it because itll break my fucking heart but im content for now i think :) i like hanging out with him #'im normal about him' proceeds to talk abt him on my yandere blog. #im not feeling yanderish i just dont have another place to talk abt this stuff so here it is! bon appetite #im not rly freaking out as much and im good at distancing myself from him. even tho idk if anything will happen im trying to #practice controlling my insane person feelings when around him ;-; im doing good i THINK i havent been as weird #my thoughts around him are all weird and distorted and not quite romantic (yet?) but i know that i just feel comfortable w him #im:) im happy im enjoying. watch him get a partner immediately after this and i go batshit bc that is my freakin luck #well it doesnt matter i had a good time while i could and thats what counts ig . had only a smidgen of hope anyways! but its ok #i am so jaded to romance i am going to accept whatever happens and hope its atleast funny . and he finds humor in it #n i would get to hear his horrid laugh. itd be nice. i like it its very contagious. his voice maxes my brain out in serotonin #he was messing around w me in [hyperfixation] and i really enjoyed the attention hwuwhidhekfn made me flustered #i was saying like Romantic CodedTM things to him and he was just giving indecisive responses but not elaborating . so who knows #im not fretting or anything like its fun its chill i feel relaxed !! very casual stuff am having a good time. he has beautiful eyes also. #hes so talented and knows what hes doing. and hes so freaking smart he knows so much stuff oh my god. #i keep having repeated dreams abt him its weird fjdjfjdk. normal things to say abt ur friend btw. normal #i think his fascination w [redacted] is so beautiful his memory is rly good too. im NORMAL i swear #i like to cause spectacles that are memorable and funny so he pays attention to me more. i like attention from everyone but his is esp. fun #i love my friends so much i tell them that i appreciate them everyday. i hope they know they are loved so much #i probably just love the side of himself he chooses to show n not his authentic true self bc online stuff oh well #tho i do feel if you spend an ungodly amnt of hrs straight with someone then you are bound to know them more intimately #i love doing absolutely nothing with my friends and make our own fun in boredom. reminds me of my childhood #maybe i am allowed to think abt him awkwardly patting me on the head. as a treat #this guy reminds me of a previous love interest too except he doesnt emotionally abuse me or himself and has a freaking soul #💿

[thursdayglrl]

low empathy vs moral anxiety FIGHT.

#feeling like a bad persok because sometimes i have to make conscious effort to like conisder how the other person is feeling #and i mostly just feel awkward when people are very sad around me #and its like. maybe if its so hard its because im just bad #also feel bad for talking about it because i feel like im misrepresenting myself as too sympathetic #and because seeking reassurance is like Toxic Bad Person behavior so i #(screaaaam)

[hecksupremechips]

Ooooooghhhhhhhhh stressed 🥺

#dont wanna see family tomorrow and im sleeping saur bad lately i couldnt sleep last night and then had a typical fever dream #which gave me a really cute idea for a movie so im gonna keep it in my pocket #but it was one of those things where its like it says a whole lot about me and my trauma and its stressful #um um um and also im juggling all these different things like im sewing im trying to finally write im trying to draw again #while feeling like im failing at it all and then like i still gotta find fuckinnnnn job i neeeeeed money #this time of year is always really hard for me i hate when its warm again i hate easter and i hate knowing that summer is coming #aaghhhh rn im ticking and stimming really bad and im having trouble breathing hnnghhh #and im very sweaty lol i always get so sweaty when i dont sleep good i dont get it #also i think im just horrible like the one person i wanna talk to probably is getting tired of my constant life crisis and how needy i am #and theyre probably off being better without me there and im just a burden and then my therapist idk about him #i dont feel like hes really giving me anything like when i talk about how stressed and unsafe i am hes like you gotta find a way to cope #and he doesnt really tell me how exactly i should do that like mate thats why im here i need the help you cant just listen to me panic and #go ‘wow you need to fix that’ ughhhh and i think hes mad at me because i dont think he believes me anymore when i say im in an abusive #situation and that ive been controlled my whole life by everyone and i have never felt safe #and its just like ughhh like i feel like no one believes me anymore and theyre all fed up with my bullshit incompetence and constant #bellyaching and im a horrible friend and a liar and probably just being dramatic as fuck making myself believe im being abused when in #reality im the abuser the ungrateful brat who treats his family like shit and cant trust them even though they seem so perfect to everyone #and im so stupid and toxic for trying to run away and for being scared to death here #thats how its feeling anyway idk everyone is just. weird and im losing my grip on reality and cant tell whats real anymore