#even with all the grief and upset i can still have a good time bc we stay silly !!!! by god we stay silly through it all !!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chayannesegg · 2 months

Text

honestly I think it’s kinda interesting how phil’s relationships with wilbur, tallulah, chayanne & tubbo are all reflecting back into his view of sunny tbh. like he has such complex delicate interwoven dynamics with all of them and it all gets thrown onto sunny, this poor kid who he loves in theory, but in practice is a stranger to him.

like wilbur left tallulah in phil’s care and didn’t come back. even now way after he was initially supposed to, wilbur hasn’t returned (that one day aside). and phil, who had already taken on a big commitment watching tallulah, has been left permanently with two eggs in his sole care. and even though he loves tallulah and wil, and won’t want them out of his life, this is a stress for him. it’s a big undertaking for anyone, to care for two kids alone, but especially since tallulah required a lot of changes in his life.

for better or worse, in many ways phil sees chayanne as an extension of himself. they’re similar in a lot of ways, and often on the same page, and it means phil often struggles to catch up when chayanne’s emotions aren’t on the same page as him. we’ve seen this week, phil having such a hard time understanding the depth and breadth of chayanne’s grief. when he catches on, he usually does a good job empathising and talking it through, but when he doesn’t, he really doesn’t and it can be hard to watch.

the same is NOT true for tallulah. he has, through hard work and practice, learnt how to identify her emotions. he had to. she needed it. she would have been miserable otherwise. she desperately needed asked for the emotional care and birthdays and consideration that chayanne would never ask for. and he’s good at it—tracking her moods, knowing what upsets her & what she cares about in a way that doesn’t come as naturally with chayanne (or sunny or tubbo or anyone else really expect maybe wilbur). but that took A LOT of time and effort, months of work, and I do think he’s a bit wary of the idea of having to do that again, even when it comes to people he loves like chayanne (or god forbid tubbo).

now tubbo is not wil. tubbo is not phil's son. but he’s still not dissimilar to wil in phil’s mind. whatever the backstory is, phil introduces tubbo to tallulah as an old friend of him and wil’s. he makes tubbo his kids’ godfather. he calls tubbo his boy. he looks out for him. but past those first few weeks, their relationship doesn’t progress. they mean a lot to each other bc of their pasts, but they don’t put any work into upkeeping their relationship and phil in particular doesn’t reflect at all on what how that changes their dynamic. and it does change it—this is clear in purgatory, with phil having zero trust in tubbo to protect chayanne and tallulah, and after, with tubbo endlessly poking at phil’s sore spots trying to illicit a reaction he’ll never receive.

it's also clear in the way phil has no understanding of what’s going on with tubbo. if he’s struggling to grasp chay’s emotions, he’s not even touching what’s going on in tubbo’s head. tubbo’s death makes no sense to him. it’s sudden. it’s random. it’s illogical. it’s stupid. he wasn’t joking about having two lives? he still took a death bet with richas? he’s not come back? he can’t come back? he’s left phil with distraught kids for no reason with no warning. he doesn’t see the erratic suicidal behaviour, the unending depression, the desperation to be loved. he doesn’t want to see it. he doesn’t want something to be wrong with tubbo, but he also doesn’t even know how to see what’s wrong. he’s annoyed he’s having to deal with it and he desperately desperately wants to believe this is all happening for no reason.

bc at the forefront of phil’s mind is still his love for tubbo. of course, phil would drop everything to help tubbo (if he could recognize something was wrong). of course, he would care for sunny as his own. of course, he would make the same sacrifices he’s made for wil. and he assumes he’ll have to. he thought that sunny would now be under his care. that he’d have to figure out the logistics of a third egg to care for. with wilbur, phil was the only person who could ever have taken care of tallulah. the only person he trusted, the only person who knew tallulah enough. now this isn’t true for tubbo. it’s a genuinely illogical assumption for phil to make: three eggs would be a genuine burden on him; they've never spoken about it; there’s a long list of people who would tubbo expects for sunny before; and he doesn’t even know sunny well enough to name these people for her as comfort.

but still in the moment, alone with tubbo’s eggs and dealing with everything he left behind, phil can only think that the exact same thing that happened before will happen: he alone will be left to care for another scared hurt kid of someone he loves.

and here we come to sunny. a kid whose dad he loves. a kid whose dad he doesn’t understand. a kid whose dad is suddenly gone like his son is gone. a kid who would need him like his daughter needs him. a kid who his son needs to protect. a kid he cares for. a kid he can’t afford to care for, a kid he wasn’t expecting to care for, a kid he doesn’t know how to care for, a kid he would care for if he needed to, a kid he doesn’t know why he’s been left to care for. a kid who is somehow a reflection of all these people he loves but not someone he knows at all.

idk i think this tension comes out in the a lot of the comments phil makes of and to sunny. he doesn't know them well enough to distinguish them from his relationships with other people. and as long as no one challenges him on that, we'll continue to hear these misplaced comments from him, that come across so insensitively, even as he tries his best to genuinely help them and their dad.

#qsmp #qsmp philza #qsmp sunny #suicide #philza neg #qphil neg #i guess i'll tag out of an abundance of caution even if i don't intend this analysis meanly #that said he is absolutely being unfair to sunny and hurting her bc of this and he doesn't even realize #and won't realize unless someone else talks to him about it #lest sunny just snap at him some day which i do think is what we're currently headed to #fun fact: i intended to do more analysis of his actual comments but it got too long so instead you just get this :)#even tho i think this covers too much in too little time and could reference more canon events lmao #but it's already a behemoth #oh well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#also nothing is ever going to justify the 'maybe i won't look for your dad as hard' comment fuck him fr for that #cw wilbur soot #won't delete this but warning he's mentioned here

85 notes · View notes

autisticlancemcclain · 8 months

Text

fic rec friday 38

hello and welcome to fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

only the dead have seen the end of war by @kartoffxl [MCD]

Lance must have seen something in Keith’s face, because his expression crumpled in anguish. “You… You love me back.” He put his head in his hands. “Oh my god. You loved me. You love me. This—This is so fucked up.” “Lance, I—” “Tell me I’m wrong.” There were tears in his eyes. “Tell me we didn’t just waste all those years being cowards.” Keith clenched his fists at his sides, still reeling from the whiplash of what he had just heard earlier. This can’t be happening. “Say it!” Lance pressed. “Say you don’t love me.” Please, his eyes begged. Keith and Lance finally figure out that they’re absolutely, undeniably, embarrassingly in love with each other, just not exactly in the best of circumstances.

okay so. this is. technically. one of the meaner fics im reccing. HOWEVER. it is gaspingly unbelievably beautifully and painfully written. even the summary kills me -- say you dont love me. im begging you. im begging you to lie to me right now. as we lay dying im begging you to have mercy on me and let me believe i didnt have a chance for beauty with you. im begging you to let me die with one regret instead of millions. please. please dont let me die being loved by you. LIKE WHAT

2. Toast to Freedom by @icypantherwrites

Keith is used to more than his fair share of dark looks. What he’s not used to is seeing those looks directed at Lance for no reason that he can determine and it’s making something uneasy settle in his stomach and the heavy press of the mantle of leader weigh even heavier as he should be doing something about it but he doesn’t know what. But causing a scene will upset the alliance they need and so Keith chooses to wait it out, to address it after the feast. He should never have waited.

will never ever in my life get over to 'i drank your poison because no suffering would be worse than watching it on you' not ever. it is always so so everything. and NO ONE does it like icy panther

3. Disjointed Soul by @icypantherwrites

Lance falls victim to a Soul Leecher, a dark spirit that is drawn to disjointed souls to steal them for itself. The Paladins must go into Lance's very soul to save him, uncovering truths about themselves and Lance in the process. Time is of the essence before Lance is lost forever. Good thing they have such helpful, adorable soul guides.

"Hi there baby Lance," Hunk greeted. "Ohwah," Lance burbled back. "¡Ohwah!" "Ohwah?" Pidge repeated. "I think he's saying "hola,'" Hunk grinned. "You know, "hello" in Spanish. Hola, baby Lance." "¡Ohwah! ¡Ohwah!"

this is one of THEEEE original insecure lance fics fr like it was the BLUEPRINT. 2018 there wasnt a langst loving soul who hadnt read this at least twice. its not too long for my dears w shoddy attention spans but its long enough to have quite a bit of substance!! team as family with communication and lance at the centre of it. what more do u want

4. Sleep Well, My Son by @icypantherwrites

A tiny accident becomes literal when Lance is turned into a child with no recollection from his older self. Coran has hopes the effects will be relatively short-term, but in the meantime he has a scared child that needs both reassurance and care. And while Coran might not have had the chance to be a father… he feels like one now.

look i love a good de aged lance fic and obviously when i was making these bookmarks i was scrolling my way thru the tag. and this one is especially amazing bc it is coran centred! this is a coran fic! this is a fic about quiet grief in the life you never got to live and acceptance for the life you have now and love for the people life has brought you!! it is about coran finding family through people who so desperately need it!! it is everything!!

5. Amigos by @icypantherwrites

A dangerous mission becomes even moreso when Lance is turned into a child with no recollection of his older self in the middle of it. Keith has never been good with kids and that certainly isn’t going to change now. Somehow though he’s got to convince Lance — who doesn’t speak a word of English and is staring at Keith with too wide, too scared of eyes — to come with him, get them both out of the Galran base now crawling with sentries alive, and then, assuming they get that far, figure out how to change Lance back.

shut up about the repeated author shut up about the same trope shut up about the. okay. i am a simple creature. i am annoying. i like to sit on my little armchair and open my little phone and read the same thing a million times. there is a Way to read fic and that way is to click on and scroll through a tag until you find a fic you like then scroll through that author and then go back to the tag and rinse and repeat. besides this fic is amazing okay i love klance but we rarely get platonic klance and its GOOD okay

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!

177 notes · View notes

roseworth · 11 months

Note

do you think jason was fridged? i see a lot of people talk about it and i wanna know what you think

the boring answer is no, he was not fridged because the term was created in reference to female characters and jason isnt a female character

but that answer sucks. so lets look more into it!!! (trigger warning for screenshots of alex dewitt & barbara gordon's respective fridgings under the cut, also screenshots from death in the family but none of the graphic ones)

i make jokes about jason getting fridged all the time bc there is definitely an argument for it but i think my answer is. no but with feeling

i can definitely see where people who think he was fridged are coming from. jasons death was entirely used to further bruce's grief and joker killed robin just to get back at batman, not to mention starlin was writing jason out of character so he could have an excuse to kill him. then ofc after jasons death there was the glass case & the fact that he was only brought up with things like "jason died because he didnt take it seriously" or whatever so the case for fridging is there

but the reason i dont consider it fridging is that he had a good amount of agency in death in the family. the story was ABOUT him, and he made choices in the story that led to his death in the way that other fridged characters didnt

ofc we have to look to Miss Refrigerator herself alex dewitt <3

alex was attacked because of kyle, she didnt do anything to cause major force to attack her, she was a character that was killed just so kyle could be upset about it. she had no agency in the story, and he killed her so hard they had to make a new word for it

then ofc there was the same thing with barbara

the only agency she had in this moment was that she chose to answer the door and. thats it. she wasnt even shot for being batgirl, she was shot because she was jim's daughter and it was entirely intended as a way for joker to use her injury to hurt jim

jason on the other hand! the story was about him (as much as it could be for a side character) and before i get into this i want to clarify that i am NOT saying that he deserved it because of his choices. that is not at all true. all im saying is that he had agency in the story and it was about him in a way that it wasnt about alex or babs

in death in the family, jason had plenty of agency. his death was about finding his mom and saving her. he died after he chose to protect her instead of listening to bruce

also?? bruce isnt mentioned once in the scene where joker beats jason until its already done and joker doesnt want batman to find out

so overall its not really a fridging!! he has a lot to do and a lot of focus within the story, and he was killed during his effort to save someone :( once again thats not to say his death was his fault, but he had a lot to do in the context of his death that it was still about him up until he died

his death was because of bruce because joker wouldnt have gone after him if it werent to get back at batman, but jason still had a lot to do in the story and it kinda goes against the whole point of the fridging trope. fridging isnt "side characters getting killed is bad" its "established characters getting no agency in their own death is bad (especially when said characters are women or minorities)"

#im sorry fridge truthers </3 i understand your argument but alas i dont agree #i hope this all makes sense i am so fucking awful at putting thoughts into words #jason todd #dc

65 notes · View notes

crimeronan · 9 months

Note

How do you feel Hunter would react to Luz's inner circle expanding post Raine-Reveal. On one hand Luz is far safer with three of the strongest witches on the isles looking out for her, on the other (in his eyes) he is significantly less useful than three coven heads and may feel his position is threatened.

(about princess/empress luz AU)

man this has me thinking SO MUCH. i've been pondering this for about a half hour while napping

i do think that hunter's biggest feeling - particularly at the beginning - would just be Relief. it's SUCH a relief to have other people who know the truth, and it's a relief to be able to talk to anybody else about his worries when he's worried about luz, and it's a relief to know that if luz manifests a latent curse then hunter has people he can call for help.

but AFTER that. hoo boy

okay so. my main thought is. the thing about luz being crazier than hunter in this AU is, like. like.... that's worked REALLY WELL for them so far. inasmuch as very anxious codependence can.

and the Reason it's worked so well for them is because luz's flavor of crazy enables hunter to mask his own worries/insecurities/fears/insanity.

luz gets scared that she's dragging hunter down by being so anxious and clingy and neurotic and needy. she doesn't necessarily need him to DO anything for her, but she gets anxious when he's not nearby.

i started drafting more of the mindscape oneshot - again, no promises i'll complete it - but there's a moment where darius says in amazement to inner!luz, "you don't even remember he's alive when you can't see him, do you?"

and that's. a whole vibe. like luz knows LOGICALLY that hunter is alive and well when she can't see him, but she has Not yet processed the grief terror pain etc that she went thru. so she is still on edge all the time

this works out well for hunter because he really likes being around luz, and he likes feeling useful, and also 98% of his identity is wrapped up in being useful to luz. like the two of them are making it work as well as they can, and they're Incredibly sweet, but like. it takes a special flavor of mental illness to not only enjoy being in hunter's position but to also Legitimately Want That More Than Anything.

canon hunter's abandonment issues are visible from Space. his relationship with belos is different in this AU, so there's less of the constant "i'm gonna replace you :)" terrorism. but this AU's hunter has absolutely taken all of canon hunter's loyalty and need for approval and desire to be Good & directed it more toward luz.

hunter has already spent a good chunk of time prior to belos's death being So So So Fucking Anxious And Upset over luz abandoning him. but he's mostly rationalized and explained those feelings with (admittedly very rational) worries ABOUT her. like, he's scared that luz is hurt, that means it's not weird to have panic attacks over the concept of her leaving him!!

all of this background is to say.... i don't think that hunter would feel that he's being fully replaced or that he's obsolete. (if AMITY was a factor he almost certainly would, but that's a whole separate post.)

BUT.

i think that he would be Terrified of luz deciding that she doesn't need him anymore.

bc he is just as anxious about her being near him as she is about him being near her. he just doesn't usually have to express that.

and Also i think that he would not understand this feeling at all. or where it comes from. or what he wants. or how to fix it.

at best i think he'd be like "oh, i am possessive and toxic for no reason. this is my curse as a man probably. or something. better repress THAT as much as possible"

as for how this would manifest externally.... i think it depends on the circumstances. i feel like luz would be able to clock that something's wrong before anything really wild or terrible happened.

but i'm REALLY enjoying the thought of like. borderline eclipse lake hunter vibes. except slightly more put-together. hunter is like wow.... it's so cool how luz is talking to people who aren't me and making plans with people who aren't me and getting everything she could ever want from people who aren't me and she's going to forget about me and then my life will be over and i'll have to dig my own grave :) time to overcompensate wildly by trying to be More Useful Than Usual :)

DON'T GET ME WRONG THO i really don't think it would last super long. luz (or darius or raine) would be like hey. hey. hunter. hey hunter. hey, hunter?

what the fuck are you doing.

and the whole thing would unravel pretty quick.

but wow the boy Sure Is Neurotic. for the whole, like, ten minutes before it unravels.

#replies #long post #i havent reread this sorry. i know i'm rambling it's because this also deserves a oneshot #so i'm just telling u all the background and emotional arcs instead.#toh #princess luz au #horrible mindscape trauma pals #hunter toh #luz noceda

31 notes · View notes

horizon-verizon · 4 months

Note

How do you perceive if Aegon III actually cared for Jaehaera? Including but not limited to how Munkun stated "he felt unworthy for not saving his mother, brother and jaehaera from death"; he summoning Mushroom often after Jaehaera's death; and giving off Jaehaera's doll to Myrielle because he gave only one but kept the rest. etc

I wrote about it HERE.

I think that he just didn't want to be around her often for the memories & her dad was the one who got his mother killed.

Aegon felt responsible as a King to protect his subjects pretty much as soon as he became King. That included Jaehaera, even though she was Aegon the Elder's daughter, bc I don't think he blamed her directly for his mother or what happened but her presence is just too much of a trial for him because of the connection. If a King can't protect his own Queen (consort), how good of a King can he be? How can he expect to protect his other subjects? Will he be responsible for another conflict or war, or some sort of crisis? These are the thoughts that even the preteen Aegon could have had, he was carrying so much guilt already from Viserys (he still thinks he's dead atp) & his own mother thought there was nothing significant a child like him could have done.

Headcanon: Him giving the doll to Myrielle was his way of both appeasing Unwin to get him off his back, to not offend or upset Myrielle too badly since he knew he wasn't that visibly eager to see her at that time, and to get rid of that last material holding Jaehaera's memory. This all sounds like he hated Jaehaera, but while it is a personal feeling, it's not an enmity. Again, it's grief & helpless revulsion.

Which itself would be compounded by guilt from observing Jaehaera's clear disabilities, again, not his fault.

#aegon iii #jaehaera targaryen #asoiaf asks to me #aegon and jaehaera #fire and blood characters #aegon iii's characterization

18 notes · View notes

http-byler · 1 year

Text

okay listen. I spent like 40 minutes ranting about this to someone who could care less TODAY so I feel like I gotta put it on here too bc at least you guys will care…

Mike was SO outta pocket with that snide little “she didn’t look fine” comment and I think it speaks to all the relationship problems between him & El. and to preface, I am a Mike defender til I die so this doesn’t come from a place of Mike hate/slander. that comment was just so unnecessary and petty in its delivery.

you can tell that it was just him being upset about El lying to him and not about Angela because even Will gives him a look like “wtf are you doing”. everyone else is trying to make El feel better because they know her and they know she needed that reassurance. and I’m not convinced that Mike doesn’t know the gravity of the situation for El. he JUST saw the horrific bullying she’s had to deal with and Will told him that it’s been going on the entire time. so it’s completely hypocritical of him to praise her for humiliating Troy, and even going as far as to break his arm, for bullying Mike & Dustin. why is it okay for her to use violence to stand up to his bullies, but not her own?

he knows the answer and we all know the answer. he’s just upset that she lied to him! because now he’s like, embarrassed and everything he thought he knew just, wasn’t true. his relationship for the past six months has been solely through letter correspondence, and he’s just found out that all of it was fake (or at least, that’s the extreme I think his dramatic ass would take it too). Friends Don’t Lie. that’s one of, if not, the first things he told El about friendships. and yet, in s3 he’s the one to lie to her! so again, were at a stand still because he’s mad at El for something he allows himself to do.

ultimately, what I took away from that comment and their subsequent fight scene is that they love each other, just not the way that they feel like they should.

El’s basis for relationships is based on fantasy. she learned about romantic relationships from tv shows and movies, never learning what a real relationship should be like! Mike’s basis for relationships is his parents’ marriage and his friends’ parents marriage (as well as entertainment media). we can see just how little he knows about relationships throughout s3 when Lucas has to walk him through every single aspect of it, even the concept of an “olive branch”. and honestly, it’s not bad or wrong of them to not have a good level of understanding about romantic relationships! they’re kids! even Lucas and Max, who are established as the couple who does understand romantic relationships, get it wrong sometimes.

because they don’t have a grasp on what makes a romantic relationship work, they end up jeopardizing their platonic relationship as well! because I believe they do love each other, I just think it’s platonic! they’ve been through so much together, and I think a lot of Mike’s feelings that he believes are romantic are actually just a feeling of relief that she’s still there. he watched her “die” and he had to deal with the grief of her death for a year. having her back, that feeling of joy at her being alive and the fear of losing her again, it’s all such strong emotions! emotions one could mistake for romantic feelings. especially in a time where men and women were expected to date and not “just be friends”.

as for El, she might have romantic feelings for Mike. it’s hard to tell sometimes if she really feels the love for him she says she does, or if that’s just her going through the motions of what she has seen portrayed. because in season one, Mike is the one to kiss her, and she is understandably surprised by this (though not upset by it). but then she disappears for a year and in that time she watches movies and shows about romance. they teach her what that kiss means and how she should act with someone she likes romantically. so when they meet again in s2, she leans in as well and this time, she knows what she’s supposed to do. and I don’t doubt that she feels differently about Mike than she does about the rest of the party members. he was the one to take her in and he was kind to her and respected her before the other boys were/did. it makes sense that their relationship is set apart from the rest of the party. but that doesn’t make it inherently romantic.

their fundamental relationship problem stems from not knowing each other. they love each other so much, and they would (they have) risked their lives for each other. But! they don’t really know anything about each other and don’t necessarily share the same interests. El doesn’t know that much about Mike as a person, but she still knows a hell of a lot more about him than he does about her. she doesn’t know that much about herself.

s3 showed us just how much of her life revolves around the men in it (hop, brenner, mike). Max was integral to El’s storyline for an abundance of reasons but the s3 storyline has got to be the most important. she’s the first person to tell her that she is her own person and that she can make her own decisions about who she is. and we’ve seen her smile and laugh a couple times in the show, but that montage was the most fun we’ve seen El have ever in the show. nothing dampens the mood and she’s learning what SHE likes and who SHE is outside of the box she’s been shoved into her whole life. and it’s only for a day. then reality sets back in and she’s sudden thrust into the role of protector again. that silly, happy, pre-teen girl we just saw is gone in a flash. she’s still figuring out who she is and it’s impossible for Mike to know her if she doesn’t know herself.

in the place of knowing each other well, they put each other on this unreachable pedestal that makes them feel inferior in their own relationship. El is “Superman” to Mike. he believes that he’s “just some random nerd” and that he got lucky that he found El. he has no idea how harmful that ideology is to her and to himself. and he hasn’t even really learned his lesson. he put her on a pedestal and was upset when she fell. and yet, he puts her right back up there, expecting a different result. she doesn’t want to be some superhero, she wants to be a normal teenage girl, she wants to be someone outside of the powers she had/has. and she reminds him that she’s not a “superhero”, as least not anymore, but in the Van he expresses the same sentiment to Will because he thinks so highly of her anyway. he bases so much of his self worth on being needed and helpful that his self esteem is practically on the damn floor. it makes it impossible for him to connect with her about insecurities because he feels like his are true and hers aren’t. he IS some random nerd and she’s NOT scary or abnormal.

now El, she sees mike as this, righteous guy who is so good in his heart that he’d never do the things she’s done. she’s put him on a pedestal as well, though it’s not as dramatic as Mike’s. she wants to impress him, make him like her more because he is good. hop is gone and brenner was literally her abuser, all she has now is Mike and she wants his validation. she wants him to believe everything is going great and that she is normal and good and everything she think he is. she doesn’t want to be spiteful or angry or violent or bad. she doesn’t want to be feared. and Mike was the first person to make her feel that way. he’s one of the only people that can still make her feel that way (besides the Byers now probably). so telling him those lies made her feel like she could still be normal. as long as Mike believes it, then maybe it can be true. but eventually, he finds out the truth, and now she’s realized (she thinks) she “doesn’t belong anywhere”.

they don’t feel comfortable enough with each other to show who they really are or express their insecurities. that’s where their relationship really fissures. so unless s5 really reworks the entire foundation of their relationship I just don’t think they can come back from all that. even after Mike’s monologue! because that monologue can still be true as a completely platonic thing. he loves her, and he can’t lose her, he’s not lying! but I don’t think it’s enough to save their relationship.

especially because the things they want from each other can be fulfilled by other people.

Hop is back, all the love and validation she needs can be provided by her family. romantic love isn’t necessarily what she needs, she just needs someone to love her for who she is, and they do.

Will accepts, understands, and loves Mike for all that he is. his good parts and his bad. and Mike feels comfortable with Will too, he seeks him out to talk about his feelings and insecurities.

the things they want so badly in their relationship with each other aren’t being met, and they could get it from other sources. so in conclusion, I believe their relationship is over for good and that Mike is a complex and flawed character who is still learning how to be himself and love himself.

#this got really long and ranty.#sorry. i’m just sick in the head abt him #byler #the heart #the wise #the mage #you never say it #crazy together #elijah speaks

88 notes · View notes

mc-park · 2 years

Text

xiao fanfic idea (based on the 2.7 chasm quest)

REQUESTING FOR ANY BORED GENSHIN WRITERS TO WRITE THIS!!!

hello i dont have any energy to rewrite all my fanfiction ideas for this quest bc i made this long ass post abt it in detail but it didnt save and now i feel so hollow and numb. im going through every stage of grief right now, currently at stage 4, depressed.

all i ask is for xiao chasm content. please. i beg. SOMEONE, LITERALLY ANYONE PLEASE MAKE XIAO FOUND FAMILY CONTENT

and then put him through an indescribable amount of pain and turmoil as he fails to accept his yaksha friends are dead and faces the slow realization he has no family, other than zhongli, left.

please help me relieve some of this pain by reblogging or tagging your favorite writers in the comments and writing down your xiao x reader chasm ideas (also in the comments) for their inspiration ...ill join too once im done crying over all of my work disappearing

for now i'll just share a few of my daydreams at its most basic level and hope to god somewhere in the world a genshin writer will take this idea and bring it to life

(2.7 spoilers utc)

yaksha found family + reader witnessing all of it, being an outsider as another weaker yaksha.

where you, unaware of the suffering and pain that comes with the responsibility of being one of the five yakshas, hope to get an ounce of understanding for them like they do with one another, hoping to be part of what seems like a "family."

yearning to gain even a bit of that familial warmth, you glance over to observe them on the sidelines and smile at the sounds of their contagious laughter directed at xiao's now fully-painted face.

as years pass by, you watch in horror as each yaksha slowly succumbs to the darkness of their karma one by one, never returning to that bright family dynamic they forgot about.

finally, when xiao, the youngest of all of them, the only one remaining, tries to recover from the loss of valiant warriors he considered his siblings, you console him, experiencing a pain similar to his. both of you support one another awaiting the day you can reunite with the rest of the yakshas again.

this can really extend as much as it wants to starting off w wholesome shenanigans and then angst to possible hurt comfort or just you and xiao wailing in pain together. i love a good slow burn so thats my personal request, like each paragraph written above can be extended to a whole post and split up into a whole series, but really its up to whoever wants to take up my challenge to make it however they want.

xiao and reader dynamic:

in this case i feel like xiao bonds with reader where they feel this mutual emptiness but in different kinds of ways.

you feel alone in the world, you feel excluded from the rest of the yakshas, you long for something you don't have and haven't had in a long time, for that bond that effortlessly ties the five yakshas together. despite being surrounded by so many people you constantly feel like not one of them understands.

you want to be with anyone as long as it's someone. but you have no one. there are so many thoughts, feelings and emotions but there's no one to share them with no one who cares enough to listen. you wish for what the yaksha's have, the family they built on their mutual suffering and joys, where they all understand each others pain because they all share the same experiences.

you feel like no matter how kind or nice or strong and heroic you are or can train to be nobody thinks to call or ask anything of you, its this numbing feeling that prods in your chest at the loneliest and quietest of days, it's not like they're outwardly avoiding you, quite the opposite. they tell you to join, but however close you are to them you still feel distant, and when you part for your more meagre duties compared to their wider scale dangerous tasks, the rift between you and the family increases.

you don't feel upset, nor do you feel hurt, if anything you feel acceptance. it's normal. at times you feel gratitude; a warm feeling bubbling inside whenever they come to talk to you. happiness; whenever you see their doting towards one another, their dumb pranks and stupid jokes.

as an outsider, a weaker yaksha, you watch the adepti you've looked up to for so long from a distance and internally relish in the joy of their shared happiness.

whereas xiao is longing for something he's had before but can't do anything to get back, its this feeling of hopelessness and this agonizing need to go back to how things were, how he was before. he's distraught with the frustration and regret of not being able to get back what was lost and never being able to experience anything similar to it again. its sporadic. sudden. when the yaksha's slowly disappear, after years of investing in them from afar you end up feeling this way too, this same hole in your chest, this unshakable itch at the back of your mind that won't go away. the bond that you hoped to join, the joy you've observed for so long and the happiness you secretly chewed off of no longer exists.

now that you and xiao are the last yaksha left, perhaps you can form a new bond over your losses together.

THIS IS JUST FOR INSPO ON HOW TO WRITE THEM BTW!! do it literally however u want i just thought this would be really cool and emotional to write cuz like theres readers loneliness built up over the years and then theres xiaos mourning and that sudden period of grief and then the awkward sort of mutual sadness they feel in the end

family dynamic inspo:

xiao being the temperamental, more self centered youngest and bosacius acting as the more protective self-sacrificing eldest brother. followed by indarius (pyro yaksha) the second oldest almost mom-like, bubbly and loud friend, the walmart zhongli as the mediator, calm middle child and bonanus (hydro yaksha) as the second youngest, possessing a more timid, polite and shy aura.

a sample of how he may feel:

and when xiao is left alone, he tries to remember all his happiest memories with each of his friends. he longs for them, he longs for the past so much that it hurts. he wants to be his old self, to get rid of this aching loneliness but as each happy memory flashes by, he spirals into a deeper pit of sadness and activates this haunting feeling in his heart that feels like something is missing. recounting the memories of his loved ones, he swears that this will never happen to anyone close to him again. even at the cost of his own life. in the midst of his vulnerability, he unknowingly engrains that very same savior complex his leader, no, his brother bosacius once had.

---

im sorry if there are grammar mistakes and stuff i rushed this really short idea bc i was busy trying to remember what i wrote before tumblr decided to reload and DELETE all of my work just bc it was in a silly goofy mood

ANYWAY SOMEONE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE A FIC ABT THIS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I WANT SOME OF THAT JUICY JUICY JUICY DELICIOUS LORE

STARVED XIAO LOVERS UNITE! PLEASE TAG ALL OF THE GENSHIN WRITERS YOU LOVE AND BOUNCE OFF OTHER IDEAS, NOT JUST THIS ONE, IN THE COMMENTS!!

or reblog if you want to see someone make this themselves.

236 notes · View notes

pokefighter · 1 year

Text

Thoughts and headcanons

I was lazy to type these at first despite it being in the back of my mind for months, but it’s nice to have a place to organize dumb thoughts. As I’m catching up on other anime like Yugioh, it’s kind of sad that Death Note in comparison doesn’t have much content in terms of world building, merchandise, or even showing what a character’s life is like outside of doing their job. In fact, some of their existence are treated solely as a plot device instead of a fleshed out compelling person. I know it’s mainly because DN’s writing is more story-driven than on characters, but it leaves me wanting to know more about them.

Besides being highly fond of a few characters, admiring the animation’s cinematic visuals and how the style is a time capsule of early 2000 anime (muted color palette, gothic aesthetic, white gradient lighting) I’m not that invested with DN as a whole, the Yotsuba arc being the weakest with forgettable side villains (seriously, how often do you hear anyone mention the Yostuba members besides occasionally Higuchi?) and a section that dragged on longer than it should have. Rem being the one to kill L also ruined the point of this whole battle of wits DN was building up if Light can simply make a fucking shinigami do the work. It’s fine though, L’s passing means BEST BOY NEAR has now entered the picture.

Only Near can have soulless eyes and still be cutest thing alive. He actually fits well with the gothic visual design of DN in subtle ways- It’s those black eyes that stare right into your soul, his ghostly appearance, playing with creepy toys/finger puppets/L’s mask, and smiling like a psychopath out of nowhere in some scenes, hilariously contrasting his usual stoic demeanor.

Onto headcanons:

Near

can be more sensitive than he lets on, he’s just good at hiding it.

avoids eye contact unless it’s with someone he trusts.

enjoys visual stimulation such as the flickering of holiday lights, rain drops on a window, colorful contraptions performing in a loop or predictable pattern like a toy train driving in circles or a spinning windmill (I sketched something for this).

round pudgy Near >>>> generic skinny anime girl Near. I get why some imagine him skinny since he barely....moves. but a lil bit of chub fits his character design better. Plus there’s already plenty of skinny bitches in DN so it’s more fun to see some variety (long-haired Near is an exception bc he lost all his baby fat by then).

has a rather big capacity to hate or look down on someone, shown by his opinions on Kira, the president, Takada, etc. It’s visually amplified in the anime where he constantly looks like an angry kitten.

smug brat

the giant common room at Wammy’s House is also Near’s playroom and there are days when everyone needs to clear out so he can play amongst 1000000000000000+ legos.

his reaction came off as cold during the announcement of L’s death, but I imagine he didn’t exactly know how to express his grief at the moment. You even see a nonverbal display of his upset in canon when he spills his puzzle pieces on the floor. The first emotion he felt was anger towards L. The hero he respected was supposed to be unbeatable. L promised he’d win. It’s not until Near’s alone in his room that he breaks down.

this one’s not a headcanon, but I love the fact that he's literally the only main character who survived. And on top of that, a breaker of the white-haired-anime-character-dies trope. What a king. Big win for autism.

has extremely low pain tolerance. One little splinter to the finger and he’s done.

Creepy nightmare fuel L is best L.

can play the piano and sometimes does it during his Wammy House visits.

has 0 interest in romantic relations. He doesn’t even express interest in making friends. He’s shown only ever focused on crime solving and is content with it. Other than that, I can only see him as a top. He’s prideful, hates losing any ounce of control, and isn’t the type to let his guard down.

L understands Near best. Everything about them looks like they’d be on the same wavelength. They can communicate and tell what the other’s thinking with a glance. No words needed.

so dependent on sweets that he can’t function without it, almost like an addict. If he doesn’t get his daily sugar, he becomes distressed and easily irritated.

Speaking of addiction, I doubt he’s the type to use drugs (though he certainly would have easy access), but maybe he’d save it for rare occasions when he needs to truly wind down and turn off his mind especially after an exhausting case.

is impatient and less cooperative when working with others as opposed to Near. (canon actually, just an observation.)

like Near, L is also sensitive to noise and dislikes being around loud people/environments, but he’ll tolerate it if it’s necessary.

unlike Near, L has a much higher pain tolerance. He took a punch to the face several times and didn’t even flinch. If something did hurt, he’d under react simply saying: “ow.” with the same stoic face.

Yeah I know that’s Misa’s eye but there’s no official anime screencap for B so fuck it that’s him with mascara.

Beyond Birthday

if Another Note ever got an anime adaption, Akira Ishida would be the ideal voice for B. Just listen to these clips. I can’t find anyone else more perfect for the role. A soft yet menacing tone, constantly scheming.

I know there’s BxL fanfics out there, but it’s hard to see B ever wanting him. If anything, I’m more convinced that B loathes L, what he represents, and how he’s idolized by the kids at Wammy’s House, you know, an institution that grooms orphans to become L’s successor.

B is also often depicted as a top but we all know he’s true bottom because what edgy tryhard says out loud: “I’m a top, an aggressive top (guys i swear i’m a top look at me lick this knife i’m so evil)” -B

he’s a few years younger than L.

was close friends with A. A’s death was the final straw that pushed B to leave Wammy’s House.

B is Californian, more specifically from L.A. What better location to scheme complex murders than in a place you’re well familiar with?

he had eyebrows, but shaved them off for his L disguise.

#death note #near #L lawliet #beyond birthday #headcanons #thots

34 notes · View notes

theatlasrealm · 2 years

Text

warning spoilers ahead ( kinda)

we love ninjago. and I’m posting bc this needs to be brought to attention: NINJAGO, WE NEED MORE SIBLING CONTENT. romance? it’s good, I SWEAR I don’t have ANYTHING against jaya. but sibling relationships? Kai and nya? we need more.

hear me out: so many people are saying our poor traumatized green ninja that we all know and love is going to turn evil and lose it. valid theory, and quite understandable, and would make the remaining of season 16 quite interesting.I would LOVE another morro- like season, with Kai doing anything and everything he possibly can to bring back his little brother. If that happens, I want a scene. A scene where Kai is upset and nya comforts him, asks him what’s wrong. kai being kai blames himself for Lloyd turning evil, and suffocating himself in self hatred. Telling her it’s happening all over again ( like how he lost nya before, etc) I want kai to get UPSET and tell her he is sick of losing people, not being able to protect them. I want nya to comfort him like he always comforted her.

And if the whole lloyd-turns-evil thing never happens, then I STILL just want an episode ( another time twin-like season would be awesome tbh) just dedicated to them, for Kai to tell her how he felt when losing her to the ocean, how bad of a brother he felt and that he failed to keep his promise of protecting her.I want to see scenes of kai dealing with grief and why he even started teaching martial arts.

I want ninjago to stop just showing nya and jays bond. I want ninjago to show that the importance of kai and nyas bond is just as important, or even more so. I want nya to realize how much kai did and still does for her, and that the only reason kai even joined the ninja was to save HER. ( we really need to talk abt this more ). I want nya to realize what boundaries kai crossed to keep her safe. I want more scenes of their childhood that show Kai’s sacrifices and nyas upbringing. I want nya to realize all of this and thank kai and hug him and tell him she loves him.

I want her to tell him that he is the best older brother anyone could ever ask for. i mean seriously; nya seemed only worried about jay when the ninja were in court. WE DIDNT EVEN GET A SIBLING HUG WHEN NYA CAME BACK. IN CONCLUSION: WE WANT MORE KAI AND NYA.

#kai smith #kai ninjago #nya ninjago #nya smith #smith siblings #lloyd ninjago #lloyd garmadon #lego ninjago #ninjago crystallised #ninjago #tfw all your posts are about the smith siblings

67 notes · View notes

thestobingirlie · 1 year

Note

the thing that really gets me w having steve say that he was a shitty bf is the implication that nancy was a good gf when, from everything we saw in s2 and even excluding anything directly to do w jonathan, she absolutely was not. like steve could have been more sensitive to nancy's grief but if we give nancy some level of grace bc of her trauma then that also extends to steve imo - and despite that he still went to dinner every week w barb's parents for nancy, noticed she was upset in the library and took her somewhere private to check on her, tried to keep her safe/thinking rationally when she starts talking about violating the NDA to tell ppl about barb, made sure jonathan would take her home when he was too upset to, and then told her it was okay for her and jonathan to be together w no fighting or bitterness despite how hurt he was. on nancy's side, she was excited about the party (spending time on the costumes, trying to encourage jonathan to come) then once they're there starts lashing out at steve. like he's literally getting harassed by billy and tommy and she just rolls her eyes then walks away, when steve is concerned about how much she's drinking she drinks more to spite him and makes that comment about being normal teenagers like he wanted, tells him that they killed barb, calls him and their relationship bullshit, says she doesn't love him, and then when he's obviously upset the next day and wants some kind of reassurance she just laughs (obv it was an awkward, doesn't know what to say kind of laugh but still) and never ends up apologizing. and all that excluding anything directly related to jonathan/the cheating.

i couldn’t have said it better myself.

people do tend to forgive a lot of nancy’s mistakes with the fact that she is traumatised, and yet barely anyone is willing to do the same for steve.

he is one of the few characters (i think the only other one is lucas, though lucas tells max everything so he’s not that scared lol) we see on screen that are terrified of the government. he is overly aware and paranoid about the fact that the government could literally kill them if they wanted to. i mean, he’s literally seen how willing they are to cover up a death! nancy mentions barb’s death and he’s immediately closing the blinds like he’s worried people are watching them. i think in relation to barb, it is clear that steve is doing as much as he can, he’s just scared.

and yeah, mostly everything about that party pisses me off. nancy doesn’t care that her boyfriend is getting bullied, and gets drunk literally to spite him. and the next day, steve is begging her to tell him she loves him, and she just laughs and said ‘seriously?’ like?? that’s just not good girlfriend material, and it is the trauma, she just doesn’t have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship. but that’s an explanation and not an excuse, which is why i so hope we actually get steve and nancy having a conversation about their relationship next season, with nancy acknowledging her own faults and not just letting steve take all the credit lol

and yeah, don’t even get me started on nancy and jonathan, which, even ignoring the cheating, is not a good relationship

#steve harrington #nancy wheeler #stranger things #asks #anon

10 notes · View notes

everythingsinred · 1 year

Note

Sorry if you've already brought this up somewhere at some point, but I have two NatsuMikan questions about,,, gregnancy 😬

1) Do you think they'd even want kids? I can imagine that they'd both be hesitant on the idea of having a kid that undoubtedly would have an Alice, even if the academy wasn't chasing families down anymore (which like, that is a thing that was stopped, right? I hope it was because that's literally so traumatic, why is this school so fucking traumatizing)

2) There would be a chance that the kid could get an Alice shape like Natsume's, so like,, that could be rough on his end, like would they even want to do that without knowing how long Natsume has?

I realize that kinda seeps into an idea that people with chronic and/or terminal illnesses can't have families or be happy or something, but I'm just thinking about Natsume's mom, and how young he was when she died. I *heavily* doubt he would remember her death, but I'm certain that he would feel her loss, and I'm just wondering if you think he would go through with it despite that.

Personally, I have a hard time imagining them having a family, but that may be because for the majority of the series, they are children. Whenever I do try to imagine it, my brain just goes into Punnett Square Mode(tm) and tries to figure out what could be dominant traits from what is known, so not much is done there lmao

these are really great questions. to be honest because they never actually talk about it, the answer would be entirely up to headcanon, so there is no right or wrong answer.

also this ended up being rly long and rambly sorry

funnily enough i did mention this topic a lil when i'd reblogged a character question meme thing and someone requested i do all of them (i'd established myself as a natsume aficionado at this point i guess lmao). the relevant part of my answer to question #13 (about what he'd be like as a parent) was:

i feel like natsume would be hesitant at first to be a dad. like he’d be super happy to find out mikan is pregnant ofc but he’d be hesitant. maybe he wouldn’t voice it. he’d be uncomfortable on several counts: 1) life shortening alices are genetic and he would never want his child to suffer as he has. 2) he’d be scared that he wouldn’t have as much time to spend with his kid as he’d like and would be sad to miss out on important milestones in the case that he dies too young. in my mind the life-shortening alice gets cured after a few years so these become non-issues and thus he gets very happy about having a kid.

something you must know about me is that i HATE the thought of natsume dying like it fully disgusts me--i hate to imagine he dies young. it feels really wrong to me. my brain cannot allow me to view the last little bit of the manga as canon tbh, so it's constructed another canon ending for me that includes the discovery of a cure for the fourth shape. (is it even possible to cure it? i dont CARE.) because of this (delusional) state of mind, i dont rly think of most of the things you mentioned. the cool thing about post-canon is that nobody can really stop you from thinking whatever you want. but i will address all of your points anyway bc theyre valid and then ill give my thoughts on them having kids, though im not an expert and certainly not the deciding opinion on what headcanons other ppl should adopt.

its a good point to bring up, discussing what happy endings exist for ppl with chronic or terminal diseases in media, even if he still has the same alice shape. my sister zoe has type 1 diabetes and we've had conversations about this exact thing (not about natsume; about her). it's a complicated issue for her, because even if type 1 diabetes isn't terminal (anymore), it is a huge source of grief and upset for her AND it's genetic. it ultimately comes down to each individual person, i think. some disabled or sick people want cures, others don't. some want children, some don't. because each person is different, what each person wants for their future or even in the media they consume is different as well.

your first question reminds me of yuka, actually, whose dream was to start a family and live a happy life. when she finds out her baby has an alice, she tries to steal it because she wants mikan to have a good life, and not suffer as she had, until kaoru stops her. it's definitely a valid concern, but i don't know how natsume or mikan feel about it in terms of having their own kid. personally im still not sure how the academy has actually changed since mikan left. we don't really get much of a breakdown. that being said, even though mikan said "i trust narumi-sensei" and that she didnt regret coming to the academy in kageki, im pretty certain that if they did become parents, they definitely wouldnt want their kid taken away from them.

which would mean the academy would have to change fundamentally to allow BOTH 1. parents to decline sending their kids to alice academy without being ceaselessly harassed and scouted AND 2. parents who do choose to send their kids to alice academy to get full visiting and contacting privileges WHICH SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING?? if a mom hears her son is crying himself to sleep bc he misses her, she should be allowed to call him or visit or send him a care package. (you know. how normal boarding schools work.)

maybe if the school changed in this way (and hey, maybe it did), then i could see natsume and mikan feeling a bit better about having a kid.

the next point, about natsume's alice shape being genetic... yeah its pretty rough. natsume the martyr, who always thinks of others, would never EVER have kids if he thought there was even a chance his child might suffer like he did.

so i guess my answer is... depending on what you want to believe happens after the ending, natsume and mikan MIGHT have kids and they MIGHT not. it entirely depends on what developments take place. ppl have been coming up w headcanons for their future even before the manga ended, anything from completely ignoring natsumes alice shape to having mikan and their potential kids visit his grave (not my favorite premise tbh).

ig my idea of natsume having his alice shape "cured" or undone or whatever comes from wanting one of my favorite characters to live a long happy life. its not specifically for the outcome of children or anything like that. its just worth noting that the academy is also a research institute, that there's healing alices in this world, and that you can make up whatever you want bc its a fantasy setting where ppl have magical powers and are able to undo death. (yes this is me justifying my staunch belief that natsume doesnt die in his early twenties.)

personally, i dont mind them having kids. its not rly something focal to me bc theres so much else going on in the story and with their characters for me to think about that the idea of kids is so far away. still, sometimes i like reading a lil fic about them having a kid, canon or au. its kinda cute. i also kinda like it in that if i believe they could have kids, that means that natsume MUST live and his alice must no longer be an issue (bc like we both agree on, natsume simply would not have kids if he thought the child could inherit his alice shape). in my head, i kinda always assumed they would? its made possible by my delusions. if you read the questions post i linked up there, i said "it's non-negotiable" but that was mainly in regards to higuchi maintaining in the memorial book that natsume wouldnt live a very long life. again, natsume WOULDN'T have kids if he knew they had a chance of suffering like he did, so that means if he ever DID have kids, then that chance must no longer exist. idk if that makes sense.

again, im really actually not an expert. i would even say "i didnt create these characters" except that that would mean higuchi's say should be final and i dont want her say to be final. really, its a fictional world w fictional characters. so if u wanna be delusional like me and find it difficult to see higuchi's ending without saying "but thats not what it looks like to ME," then go for it! we can be happy together. but also if these aspects of natsume and mikan and the academy feel inseparable from your own beliefs of the story, then thats fine too. honestly theres rly no right or wrong answer when it comes to post-ending headcanon. ppl can disagree. dont take me saying "i want natsume to have kids so he can spite higuchi" or whatever as a way of judging or disapproving of the headcanon that he wouldnt have kids. its a plausible outcome that he wouldn't. i just feel like i need to say that bc my opinion doesnt rly weigh more than anybody else's

i must say though: thank you for sending this ask. i have been having a rough day and coming home to answer this took my mind off the whole situation and made me feel so much better <3 thank you

#i did doodle natsumikan children once when i was 14 or 15. i can admit that now #also theres the very real possibility that they could um. get pregnant on accident.#which is a WHOLE OTHER CAN OF WORMS. i dont know if i can comment on that #im sorry for being so unhelpful abt post-ending topics. i HATE the ga ending but i love ga so the ending isnt real to me #in order to cope my brain became incapable of viewing the ending as legitimate. it feels instead like a POTENTIAL ending #rather than The Ending #the real ending (to me) never sent hotaru to another dimension and natsume gets to live bc of an inexplicable but very story-prominent cure #the academy goes through a lot of institutional change bc its built on the exploitation of children as its very premise #in order to become a good place #it must change its base premise as well as most of the ways it works.#i like shiki. i just legit cant believe that a man who used to be in anti academy terrorist group just let it continue on as is #like. hed do something about it. create change. hes a good guy and he still loves yuka theres just no way he wouldnt actually change it #answered #tardytothepardy #ga #god im rly sorry this is so long #tbh i dont actually know how to answer ur question in a satisfying way. the real answer is maybe? who knows? all up to u really

3 notes · View notes

bitbrumal · 2 years

Text

PINNED AGAINST THE WALL ¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ █ ▌▌▌@aalberich. accepting.

[ ANGER ]: sender pins receiver against the wall out of anger.

[ kaeya, drunk, in pain, and lashing out at big bro deeluke bc he's so upset about how ugly his scars make him ? more likely than u may think dsfdsk ]

DILUC “kaeya, you’re not- you could never be- you’re not ugly-” words trip up against each other / aghast, still not quite up to speed with the situation or the ringing in his ears. kaeya rails against him. it’s past closing time in neutral ( enough ) territory; the tavern empty yet loud with one man’s voice. diluc’s skull aches against the wall—

he’s yanked forward by the front of his dress shirt & rammed back into it. his hands are up / their palms naked.

upset radiates through every tight line of kaeya’s body language—naught but an illustration to the way he certainly speaks. “what i did to you was ugly, but...” it & the encroaching concussion make his breaths short. they attempt to squeeze out too quickly; wadded up like tissue paper for the tears kaeya is not quite crying. yet. “you’re not-. they’re just scars...” it fades into a whisper; they aren’t, not just - not to either of them. but this, what haunts kaeya as his face is flushed with frenetic anger more than drink. it’s ridiculous for this to be a part of that.

“kaeya, you’re— i did this to you and i’ll- i’ll do whatever i can to help,” creams, ointments, fuck- massages, if those can do anything. would give him a skin graft if only he wanted it. “but you could never be unlovable. you’re the loveliest damn creature this side of the surface and probably beneath it, too- physically,” for the hurt over this runs so clearly so deep that any you’re wrong, that’s not how it is won’t properly land by itself—will it? ( gods, someone tell him what is what so he doesn’t have to grope around in the dark for the places that are already bleeding ), “physically, everyone knows this. you know everyone knows this.” pathetic to be pleading. tell yourself. gods know there’s no faith to be had in the love that aches now of grief in diluc’s chest. “and every other fucking way- kaeya... i could never- i could never destroy your worth. you’re everything. anyone you let in knows this. everyone you don’t let in spends their days imagining it—”

how to give this meaning now? a grim shadow not of the past but the thing that severed it from the present: diluc is hardly a herald of any kind of comfort. safety in the night? to strangers? sure. no longer an assurance to family or friends.

but he used to be. that much will always be true. it hurts every time a memory surfaces.

“you were my world- and you still are. people would love you, kaeya. like i still- like i do.” trembling all over & here, in broad hands: that try to cradle an angry face—for how to help but by carrying pain in his own palms? & how to reach that pain? pull it out by the root- but what is the root? “i promise there is nothing i could do to you that would change how good you are.”

breath is a whisper that shudders at its own sacrilege. to speak so freely of these crimes is a liberty he’s not taken. it feels perverse. should be pleading, knelt, for a punishment befitting the crime ( there isn’t really one that can be readily leveraged )—but that’s not what kaeya needs right now. is it? it’s what diluc needs. so, probably not.

“you’re brave and loyal and you sacrifice so much to make others happy- too much really, but it is kind of you. you watch over people. you’re endlessly clever, you always know what to say or how to say it, you can manoeuvre through a crowd and leave the impression you mean to- you’re stronger than you should have ever had to be,” i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. you can’t know, kaeya, how fucking sorry i am & i cannot show it without abandoning you definitively, “you’re everything that’s built me up, every spot of happiness that keeps me light, even now that i can’t even see for the shadows. you’re the- you’re...”

it’s probably meaningless.

making someone happy is a privilege earned; by diluc, squandered. ( every time his hands reach for a tool they no longer fit around. every time a little bit more of how to live announces itself long gone. what is left of that value-? after all this, he is only kind in practical ways. there seems to be nothing else left to give. ) what do any of these words mean in the face of his own staggering treason? as always, the hounds of paranoia sink into the mind & tear off pieces that are willing & bright. they are ignored. kaeya looks to be on some kind of brink. it’s a familiar place. he won’t willingly let him fall ( not this time. )

diluc wants to hug so badly, but... it's only him. too selfish — & so he holds on with his teeth. it makes things better ( right? ) makes him a better person ( right? ) makes anything that little bit better that is all he has to give.

“i love you. i love you with my eyes closed. you could lose every facet of your shallow beauty, you could lose all motivation for charm, you could lose yourself.” as if he hasn’t already. if only this proclamation could be read as the truth. the only thing worse is not to try. “still i would love you. that’s how much—you need only be you for me to love you.”

he loves him blurry, not blind. tears that have gone ignored are pooling on his waterline, clinging to his line of sight / the quick squeeze of a blink lets them roll a chill path down his cheeks. please just know that-

“—you are so incredibly easy to love.”

if only he’d never given kaeya cause to doubt this. then this gaping void could be filled; then he could have loved it better. could have watched him swan out of the door into the embrace of the city’s thousands; could rest in peace knowing that the happiness of his family would ever be tended to. by better hands than his. by good ones.

instead it seems he’ll keep running out of family.

#long post #ic #rp ✦ diluc #with: aalberich #aalberich #this is kind of rambly but >( diluc is shockhorror #he knows damn well (or thinks he does?) what kaeya's really sad abt if only bc ?? ugly ??? lmfao kaeya holy shit #are u blind ??? bitch.#BITCH.#how dare u insult his most adorable baby bro....................... illegal >://

5 notes · View notes

andiwriteordie · 1 year

Note

okay i'm finally reading i know better (but you're still around) and i also happened to be listening to this cavetown song on repeat

and it just reminded me so much of Mike in your fic ??

so the first part/chorus is Mike telling Dustin and Lucas about what he thought happened to Will and them basically thinking he's delusional and laughing in his face (Mike tends to exaggerate i get it)

and the “god i wish i was happy” is obviously wanting Will back bc without Will things have been... Not Good for Mike. he also mentions a few times that he feels incredibly bad and like the worst person in the world for giving up on Will (even though he didn't) and bc he stopped looking for him which i interpret as the “crushing me from above and underneath” line

from personal experience (and like the website says haha) i interpret this to be about “derealization and how a person can feel like they're not a part of their environment anymore” Mike often mentions how he feels he's watching things play out from outside his body and things like that

also in some cases grief can make meals hard (as we know), especially eating with people which, if i remember correctly, is why Mike mostly took his food up to his room and at times didn't eat at all. eating just feels like it takes up too much energy , energy you don't have so you just sink into your seat, stuff like that

nobody's listening to his theories about Will, also how he feels like he kinda ruined the party bc they're not as close as they used to be so no one to really listen to & understand his thoughts & everything about Will since they have an unspoken rule not to talk about it etc etc

okay the friend he's imagining is Will, like imagining Will is there or that Will can hear him when he speaks to him & stuff

okay these lines remind me of Mike so much. we all know he tends to explode when he's upset and say all kinds of stuff that he doesn't really mean and end up apologizing afterwards .

there were these scenes where he and Lucas were having a yelling match & this other one where he was yelling at Max & another he was yelling at Lucas and Dustin both pre and post saving Will from the Upside Down and he's saying lots of hurtful shit and yeah they get that he's grieving and hurting a Lot but also he kinda really hurt their feelings sooo

he apologizes (sometimes reluctantly, sometimes without actually saying the words “im sorry” but they're apologies nonetheless)

sertraline (y'know thr antidepressant that treats lots of anxiety/depressive related disorders) is a thing that i think Mike would need i mean obviously especially in this fic but the way his grief and pain is described ?

it's literally so fucking heart wrenching and excruciating for me the reader so i cannot even begin to imagine what Mike was feeling . so yeah sertraline's effective but the grief seems More than it and like even more effective which sucks.

um so yeah this is the lyrical analysis of this song you've maybe never heard of that you didn't ask for :D is this anything ? no idea i just wanted to share

oh okay

🥺🥺🥺

FIRST OF ALL. cavetown is very mike wheeler coded. like i can name 3 songs off the top of my head (home, idea of her, it's u) that are mike wheeler so. thanks? for adding ANOTHER ONE? to my list.

also yay!!! i hope you enjoy (well... that might not be the right word) the rest of the fic!!!

literally though this analysis is so good like holy shit, that's it. also like super honored that you resonated enough with the way i portrayed mike in that fic and connected it to this song!!! it's just like... this song is such a raw expression and explanation of grief and mental health issues, and you literally hit the nail on the head with the analysis and where i was trying to go with all of mike's thoughts throughout his journey in this fic!

where were you when i was writing the fic so i could've put this on my playlist (kidding but wow seriously wish i had found this earlier? i LOVE IT)

now this is me trying to find a way to include it in the sequel fic. thinking thoughts.

thanks for this ask, my friend!!!! ❤️🫂

#andi's asks #tw depression #tw grief

6 notes · View notes

rsmrymnt-tea · 2 years

Note

「 🐳 」 (places this 4th spam ask of the day in your ask box like im a cat dropping off a freshly killed songbird that you liked to listen to every morning at your doorstep because it kept on irritating me but you get exasperated and upset by me in return )

i swear this is the last one </3

grasshopper for the oc asks — describe your oc’s personality ! in addition, what are her goals and convictions? any philosophies she rigorously follows?

i'll share a bit of info of my mc in return for yours, but i'll give her the anonymous title of [godtongue]; you may be able to find a few of her playlists if you scrounge through my spotify, as well as other playlists belonging to the rest of the obm cast.

this excerpt (belonging to a much longer description) in particular is very old, around two years at most--i'm surprised at how consistent she's been, and just how much has added onto that consistency. some things have slightly changed, but i'm satisfied nonetheless.

[...] she has a very fleeting yet helpful presence, something ethereal & haunting. the things she says to help people usually seem bittersweet or neutral; she doesn't normally present things in a way where it seems like things will feel completely right in the end, just better than they are now, & we still deserve better even if it won't be perfect. [godtongue] doesn't make things more beautiful, but she certainly does her best to make everything less scary--she illuminates, she makes everything more.

though, just as any human, [godtongue] does have her own sets of troubles. for someone who has a deeply hidden and inarticulate desire for something beyond daily life, it can be difficult to keep herself grounded and practical (why should i be under any obligation to make sense to you? she thinks. it's not out of malicious pride, but rather, genuine curiosity). she is curious in her sadness, her joy, her ever-seeking nature, transfixed by grief and growth and allowing herself to feel it all. her whimsical way of sharing isn't often understood; she's likened herself to a small songbird crashing into a glass wall.

she may appear all-knowing to some, and arrogant to others. not that she minds, though--she's curious in what they have to say. many have told me that [godtongue] is not the type of character that you can easily break down to simple characteristics. there’s still so much more room for interpretation for her and each person varies with it when they gaze at her. a friend of mine wrote this,

her hair radiates the warm rays of the sun, an endless sea of golden waves that fall around her star-dusted cheeks. her eyes, curved gracefully upon her angular features, blink with the curiosity of the feline, a glimmer of hope that only those who gaze further in are fortunate enough to see. her shoulders, although subtle, carry the stories and tales of the ever changing wondrous world around her, enveloping her in a cape of constellations and radiant skies.

every delicate step she takes - where will she go from there? you cannot help but follow.

and i believed that it captured her very well. if i spoke about her in her infancy and adolescence, however, you'd find that she very well threatened the walls that purposefully kept her safe, and engage in recklessness as she dug around to find out more about the world around her, even if it wasn't meant for her eyes. curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction surely brought her back ... right?

her intensity has been a consistent theme throughout her life, and it's something that has instilled fear, irritation, and awe in many (uuuu and i have SUCH a good passage for her that reflects this from the time the last valentine's day(?) event came and everyone presented their chocolate gifts to mc. the people who read it were mortally terrified just as i hoped they would be lmao “SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ROMANTIC BC ITS A VALENTINES DAY EVENT” i assure you that she cares more about people seeing her for who she is and loving her in spite of what horrors she holds rather than living up to an ideal, just as she always has). her strong values and philosophies help carry her through her trials and tribulations, and i would go in-depth about them, but i think that calls for another time.

besides! i'm curious to read about dolasach's, whatever they may be. or maybe she doesn't have any that she's aware of! who knows~

Ah man nonnie, truthfully I'm really bad with telling when it comes to personalities. It's why I'm having so much trouble updating Dola's info sheet, I just can't figure out how to describe her the way you describe godtongue--who honestly is so intriguing? But I'm also a little lost because I'm the type to need examples of reactions to understand a character, or a snippet from their life. It sounds like she's a warm, helpful, observant person who's very much a free spirit, and those combined is a part of her charm, but deals with her intentions being lost in communication? I actually wonder if she and Dola would get along, because judging simply by how you described her, Dola would like... Side-eye her often and maybe find herself unwilling to be in her presence. People who can read her too well and make it known the wrong way make her uncomfortable, despite the fact that she too likes to remain observant and note little things about others.

I do think they have their similarities though? Especially in that last part. It's just that I think that it's those aspects of them that are similar that will give them some trouble getting along.

So like... I'm not entirely sure how I would describe Dola? So let me fumble a bit as I try to dghkdfjh

I think, at her core, Dola is someone who like... Is everything you've described her as in previous asks lmao. There's a lot of inner conflict within her, constantly, and I think it's because she's someone who deals with being a lot of contrasting emotions, some of which are very intense and she feels she has no right to feel. She's someone who is fucking depressed and is at times tired of life yet has actively, on her own volition, chosen immortality; touts herself as independent yet knows her world will crumble if she lost either of her partners or her found family, but also tells herself that if any of them bring her more trouble to the point of constant burden, she'll burn the bridge; refuses to set her boundaries aside for others yet is at oftentimes a total people pleaser for a few select people.

She doesn't like that she contradicts herself so often, despite it being part of being human--it's something that Solomon has to remind and reassure her of every now and then. And I think a lot of her walls are to keep others from adding to her troubles (she doesn't want to deal with having to care about more people, even more so as an immortal) and from having others know she has any problems in the first place (because she has trust issues, basically, and wants people to work for her trust.)

I also feel like she's just predispositioned for a lot of anger and jealousy as well? And all that combined with her tendency to just not like people or think of them in good faith leads to her holding grudges and simply avoiding people who has slighted her, outright refusing their company as much as possible. They'd have to work three times as hard to win back her trust, depending on what they did. Belphie had to offer a pact before she even considered giving him a chance. Lilith had to pass all her remaining power into Dola and revive her. Simeon unknowingly won her forgiveness when he stole the Ring of Light for her. Diavolo and Barbatos have no hope of ever truly getting into her good graces. (Note: forgot to mention that the Angelic Demons event is canon for her >.>)

Even Satan and Solomon have had to rebuild that trust again after the times they'd earned her anger in some way, though they didn't have as hard of a time because they'd already earned her trust by then, and she understood that they had their reasons. (Referring to the time pre-pact that Satan threatened her, and Solomon having known what was wrong with her re:The Ring almost the entire time but not saying anything)

gsjfgjdhf I feel like I'm saying so much to explain very little?? Sorry fghjkfdhfgh

But yeah! I think in her search for contentment she ends up throwing herself into more dissatisfaction, tbh. She's not even aiming for anything perfect, not actively anyway--but I think there's also an inherent perfectionism in her stemming from being raised on the idea that life is about the constant journey for it, and a fear of stagnation and eventual deterioration.

And like, just to end this on a positive note, when she grows to love someone, she really, truly does love them--be it familial, romantic, platonic, or a mix. For the brothers and the Purgatory boys, it grows almost into something unconditional after everything they've been through, especially when they're her only true, constant company in her immortality.

#chat & colloquy #🐳 nonnie!!#dolasach #i think part of no liking to describe someone through description is bc i feel like i describe her better than i can actually write her too #does any of this even actually come off in anything ive written for her? personally i dont think so since i mostly write about pointless #fluff when it comes to her >.>#anyway sorry this has taken a while nonnie ngkdfjgg i thought about this too much yet still think i havent fully answered the question in a #satisfying way?

2 notes · View notes