#i am full on venting

[fortheloveofgodsomeonepleasehelp]

One thing about coming from a tiny conservative town and becoming transgender at university is how quickly you find out that the “crazy liberal ideas” that you heard about at home are Not Enough. The “gender-neutral washrooms” that your parents were so up in arms about are so rare you might just end up using the one that aligns with your AGAB anyways. The “share your pronouns with the class” discussions that your family scoffed at back home are equally mocked here, and only make you uncomfortable. Somehow conservative media told you that everyone at university is gay and transgender, that it’s some kind of pandemic seizing the youth of today, but thats not what you find when you get here. You were told to be afraid of sharing your room with a trans person before you came to university, but now it seems more likely that your roommate is going to be a transphobe. You still haven’t changed your gender marker on the school website, although it’s technically easy - you have to worry if it will affect your housing, the resources available to you, the way that your seemingly-friendly RAs and RCs look at you.

#transgender #lgbtq+ #trans university experience #it doesn’t help that i am Never Coming Out #ppl say that trans ppl are so brave & all but im not. im scared of everything all the time #especially with housing shortages now what happens if I come out and have a roommate #does she move? do I move? where to? what if all the rooms are full? #last semester I got the Last room on campus (at least for a ‘female’ resident) & - #- what would have happened if I’d been out? would I have gotten a room at all? with a cis boy? lumped in with some other trans person? #with a cis girl who ‘doesn’t see me as a threat’ cause I’m AFAB? with a cis girl who isn’t even told I’m trans? with a cis girl who IS told? #vent post

[sunlit-mess]

cried for 6 hours straight

#messyr #vent art #doodle #vent post #artists on tumblr #my father tried to talk me out of it- it lead to an argument and i ended up saying some things too harshly but he knows it full well that #i was right. I felt bad and i still am. I didnt want to hurt him that way and shrug it cold. Fam's just putting me down and down recently. #Dad's questions just had to shoot. I love him though. We are both tired.

[squeiky]

The audacity of existence.

How dare you be concieved. To be blessed with the touch of angels, you golden haired goddess. How dare you force your reflection upon mine. The audacity to mirror me.

YOU.

I hate you. You are my purgatory, and hell resides within your dastardly light. You are the anthesis to my existance, my purpose, my life. Tormet me by image alone.

Do you know how much you have pained me? How much the mere sight of you, has distorted me? Ruined me? Hurt me? Questions your existance has plauged in my mind?

Look at you, my loathsome copy. You are nothing like me.

So then why?

Why does the universe kiss you gently upon a flushed cheek then heckle and spit on mine? Why are you the beloved golden duckling whilst i remain the unwanted black swan?

Why is it me who must rid myself of my body, blood, and mind. Discarding me of myself to end you? I have done nothing short of effort. I have given myself all to destroying you, to riding the world of you. Yet they love you. They do not love me.

We resemble eachother more than anyone else ever will. It is cruel a fate, to be devoted entirely to destroying a twisted reflection of myself. Burdened by both our images, drowning me in hatred made for both us. Yet you remain free, whilsy i remain prisioner.

It feels, as i seek to destroy you, i destroy myself. So i do. Over and over again. Yet you remain unscathed, bright and beautiful. Whilst i remain broken, left to rot in the mud. Helpless. Afraid. Alone.

Thinking.

What must i do? Who must i be to be kissed by the same light that dared to birth you?

Must i purge myself of all things to simply taste a fraction of it? How will i outshine you? Must I transform my body till there is nothing of me left, just to feel your light crushed beneath mine? Must i erase myself completly? Must i become you? Must i be you?  Must i place my hands against your neck? My lifeless material crushing your ugly flesh to finally hear the last of your breath. Must i feel everyones glare peirce through my unending spine, wishing nothing but breaking every metal bone instead of me?

Must i take their love and desire and rip it from their broken hearts, forcing them to kneel before me and drag your dead light upon me? Must i become king of all things, living, dead and unalive, before i get a fraction, a mere TASTE of your life?

Is that what the world desires of me?

Is THAT what it takes?

my loathsome copy. Your existance is what destroys me. You are everything without me but i am nothing without you.  Yet i am made to end you. To destroy the only thing, the only purpose i have in life.

You all look down upon me. Even my creator, cant seem to look at me without seeing you. Forever i am compared to you. Forever i think of only you. Forever i am destroyed by you. Forever i am devoted to destroying you. Forever i am afriad. Forever i am chained, cursed to this wretched body, reflecting you.

YOU.

I hate you. I loathe you.

....

What a cruel existance to be born, you and I.

I hope when i choke you death, you'll burn me alive.

#metal sonic #sonic the hedgehog #a mixture of venting #its a vent that works i guess #wrote this in a state of what i can only describe as mania #a mix of my own obession mixed with its #i do not know if i love him or if i want to be him or if i want to kill him. #i do not know what love is #i only know what hatred is #but have experinced kindness #i do not want it but i am told i must have it #i want to die and i want to drag them all down with me #i want to live and i want to kill everyone around me #i relate to this character- metal sonic. or atleast whateber iteration i have concoted from him. #i think i am just as obessed with him as it with sonic. #desire is a fickle thing y'know? #metal sonic is full of desires. i am willing to extract all of it. its the only way i can express myself. through fictiomal characters #its like i am nothing without it. much how it is nothing without sonic #who am i even i dont know anymore #i think im going insane #no no... i have been for a long time. im only just started to realize it now. #dont worry about me. this is a vent. not even a character analysis. take it as you will.

[wildflowercryptid]

trying to job hunt makes me want to rip out my hair. they expect you to jump through 15 different hoops just to apply to something w/ dogshit pay & hours only to never even send you a rejection email.

#motherfuckers expecting you to work full time for $12 an hour that barely covers rent in my area #how the fuck am i supposed to move out when these are the conditions of things?? #i feel like a fucking failure of an adult bc i'm still stuck at home jobless but look at the state of things!!! #i wanna focus on my portfolio but i still need a job #BUT i also know that working exhausts me physically and mentally so i can't even spend my free time to draw #it just fucking sucks!!!!!!! #sorry i need to vent for a sec #trying to find remote work that doesn't sound sketchy just left me feeling upset #mj.txt #cw vent

[michiwitchy24]

I’m losing weight I had to lose once before. But that’s okay because I know it’s possible again.

#I am full of hope (good or bad thing who knows) #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #tw ana shit #ed bllog #i wanna be weightless #notprojustusingthetags #@na vent #@nor3×14 #⭐️ving #@n0r3xia

[freakinhorse123]

I swear to god allocishet people will never understand how sometimes you have to assume the worst about people.

Because from what i understand JK Rowling got the transgender charity mermaids shut down (or close to shutting down) because it advised young trans people on what to do to alleviate their dysphoria without letting their parents know.

And everyone is in uproar about “how can you keep things about people’s own children a secret?????????!?!?!”

Well sometimes you have to because of the possibility that their parents will react badly to their child being trans. You have to assume that child is in an unsafe environment and can’t afford to come out because if you tell their parents and they react really badly then it’s your fault.

It’s far safer to assume that the kid can’t come out than out someone or the kid comes out in an unsafe environment and possibly gets kicked out/gets hurt because of it.

Its safer and easier to keep it a secret and come out if/when you’re in a safe environment and get a good reaction rather than tell the kid’s parents and get that kid hurt.

Sure someday i hope queer/trans kids don’t have to come out, but in our current society you have to take the correct precautions when coming out just in case there’s a bad reaction.

#transphobia tw #rant #vent #i am a trans person in the uk and i had a full ass plan when i came out on what i would do if my parents reacted badly. #my parents keep their opinions to themselves and they were very ignorant before i came out. theyre also #religious and i had no other queer family members to judge their reaction off of. i could not afford to be caught out unprepared #in the event they had a bad reaction and i needed to leave #so yeah fuck jk rowling fuck transphobes sometimes you need to keep secrets from your parents

[goldenflowerinitiative]

If no one’s going to do it…

#Blood #Horror #Creepy #Vent Art #I’m not sure what to tag this. #I made this when I felt bad and full of intense memories but I am much better now. I drew this a while ago anyhow. #Myself #Charart #Drawing personal things as little breaks between finals work..

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

#cryingcat.png #god i hope tumblr doesnt send out a stupid notifcation to all followers that i posted i dont know what the time limit for that is but augha #here i am tho either way #vent/ #i have missed people the entire time it is very hard to describe how stupid and cowardly it feels knowing i Could come back at any time #but also being utterly paralysed and afraid to do so. like surely i could just suck it up and i Tried but i am so so mentally unwell #i need to work on how fucked up my freeze/flight response to stress is really bad it ruins my life but i am still too unemployd for therapy #so my broke ass just has to deal with unpacking my own shit for 2 months/j #anyway the point is even tho i am getting better somewhat irl ive still been struggling to pluck up the courage to come back online #but i can't keep it up forever and completely shut down just bc it makes my anxiety superficially feel 'safer' #so here i am. feeling slightly less full of dread. bc i at very least owe it to everyone to let you all know im not dead or something idk #and i also owe it to myself to not be miserable on purpose forever!! #now i just have to get everything unmuted and wait for this to post see you on the other side

[rexscanonwife]

Guess who just found out she's working for SIX DAYS STRAIGHT

#jane journals #vent #GRR BARK BARK #idk i guess thats not SO bad. when i worked at the juice bar id work sometimes for 8 days straight #THAT was the worst #but i guess ive gotten used to a certain amount of hours and i AM moving to full time so i can get health insurance #so i ought to get used to it #but i still believe i have a right to complain 😤😤😤 #at least i can think about utonium 🥺🥺💖🫶💖🫶💖🫶💖

[tiny-angry-barbarian]

Man, I just love Baldur’s Gate 3. I love the characters, their interactions, how they mirror each, the similarities they share…

Love the core theme of the game. Authority. Authority over yourself, your body, your choices, your life.

I am so genuinely touched by the stories of all the companions, Shadowheart’s and Lae’zel’s the most. This idea that you have to give up what you believed and upheld your entire life in a span of a single moment and suddenly you might even know who you are. Your past being a lie someone force fed you and made you believe it was the truth. And it all making you do things you are deeply ashamed of now that you know the truth. The lost time you have to mourn. All of it. And so much more. I feel like I could write about these themes for hours.

I just really love Baldur’s Gate 3 y’all.

#baldur's gate iii #baldur's gate 3 #shadowheart #lae’zel #i am so full of this now #it’s genuinely helping me deal with a situation similar to Shadowheart’s #love this game to bits #also i have no one to talk about this with #so im venting here

[mysticfoxdesigns]

Adults who unload their trauma onto minors are weird.

That a child, they do not need to worry about their adult friend's mental state. That fucks them up!

I cannot tell you how many times I have had to deal with adults online unloading their baggage on me as a teen. It sucks!

#not about anyone in particular #not about anyone i follow or are muts with #literally they are kids #they do not need to deal with your emotional baggage #my minor mutuals will literally never know the full extent of my problems #i am open for them needing advice from an adult they trust #but i am not going to allow y'all to be my therapist #i also have other adults i am able to talk to #an minor muts please don't take it personal if i do not discuss my issues with y'all #i trust y'all but don't need you to worry about me when you already have so much #shit vent #mystic chaos #mysticfox rambles

[wineanddineloseyourmind]

the disappointment with my human body is strong tonight.

#vent #staring longingly at the full moon wishing i could become something else #i dont want to be stuck here anymore #i dont hate my body. I actually really love it #but i still want more and i want it now #i want control over how im shaped and what i look like #i want to have the freedom to change who and what i am day by day #transitioning is slow. i want transformation. #i want to become unrecognisable #i dont care if i lose something like humanity along the way #i want to lose my inhibitions and be free #i want to be feared and loved #i want to stand above the human race and scream with joy and terror #full moon save me. full moon. save me full moon. #ily

[mahikamihan]

guess who drove 4hrs to austin droncert 🎵, drove 4hrs back 🚗, submitted a physical network diagram + narrative for a grad project on time 🕛, and did their laundry 🧺 all in one weekend 💅💅💅

#to be fair it's only the first draft #but my god was I stressed the entire week bc of this #i had to write two papers and finish like 3 chapters over the weekdays while working FULL TIME #so the project just kept getting pushed back and it was due 11:59 sunday #BUT HELLO I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF FOR MANAGING TO PULL IT OFF #COLLEGE STUDENT ME COULD NEVER #yumi does grad stuff #sorry just had to vent it all out #im gonna die byeeee

[warehouse-sys]

People need to understand that fictives aren’t their source because when Adam first split, he had multiple breakdowns to a friend about the fact that people were going to hate him. And he was right.

People need to understand that fictives aren’t their source because we got told off once for talking about Adam too much in the “wrong way”. As if he’s not literally a part of our lives. As if I shouldn’t be talking about him in a positive way when he’s not like he is in source. 

People need to understand that fictives aren’t their source because Adam doesn’t front as much anymore, he hardly even talks to us, when at one point a couple years ago, he was almost always at least partially in front. 

People need to understand that fictives aren’t their source because Adam’s memories do not align with source, and he is designed to protect us, and he will not be quiet to cater to members of a fandom. 

#vent #system vent #fictives #actually did #actually plural #actually osdd #shoutout to the torchwood fandom i guess #i am not sure why the anger is back in full force tonight #but it is #do your research #leave systems with fictives alone #- ???

[deathbypufferfish]

If I don't get my appetite back soon I might fully lose it. How is eating food hard. It's like one of the three things humans do.

#puffer talks #i know its my stomach issues but #it took me three hours to eat one cup of panera mac and cheese #i am still eating but its miserable #im just not getting hungry after breakfast #and when i try to eat it feels like im force feeding myself like im full #i have periods where my stomach csnt stop being hungry and it's painful and then periods where i have no appetite #uigfghh #also i feel like when i talk about health stuff it is immediately taken as venting #or that im seriously upset #but im not its just a fact of my life and im just frustrated #i am not sad or anything im just annoyed

[coffinsister]

I'm like a kinnie but like I dress up as the character and act as them and then I kinda hear voices in my head

#presented jokingly but likeee #the dissacoation these days has been going crazy not gonna lie #the body moves and i watch #and then things happen and there's just full conversations in my head about it #that i suppose i am thinking but #i dont know #whatever whatever #vent #<- i guess???? #it wasnt really my initial intention