#i am talking about it in the NPD way that people think turns you into an unremorseful gaslighting abuser

[spitblaze]

Casual ableist language is absolutely an issue worth addressing but maybe instead of focusing on people saying 'stupid' and 'idiot' we could look at how (non-psychotic) people throw around 'delulu' and then are shocked when people who have delusions talk about them, and people on YouTube and tiktok and really just in real life consistently using 'psychopath' and 'narcissist' as shorthand for 'evil person'

#spitblaze says things #i am not talking about narcissism in the classical 'self obsessed/self infatuated' sense #i am talking about it in the NPD way that people think turns you into an unremorseful gaslighting abuser #not to say people cannot suffer abuse at the hands of ppl with npd. just the assertion that ppl with that are inherently abusive is bullshi #also psychopqthy hasnt even been a valid dx since at least the latest edition of the dsm #its almost like ppl are realizing that saying 'this guy has Evil Remorseless Killer Disorder' is a fucked up thing to do and maybe has #more nuance than 'their brain makes them ontologically evil' #shocker. i know #ableism

[mr-payjay]

You want to talk about doomed payjay sooo badly. I went on a huge rant about it yesterday and im curious to see what you think about it (also thank you for causing the payjay nickel incident that killed me)

YOU BET I DO!!! also im glad my superchat affected so many payjay fans, i find the result of it quite amusing

my favourite kind of doomed payjay is when their mental illnesses intersect... it's also fun to exaggerate them. ive found a lot of people like delusionally jealous oj? whenever i bring it up people get excited. to clarify, it's. pretty much just yanderizing oj LOL! here's some of the issues that can occur with delusional jealousy (disclaimer: i don't believe oj would ever do these. this is just a way i like to explore his character and push his jealousy and possessiveness to extremes for fun! at the very most, oj would fantasize about this, but he'd try to push the thoughts of it away because he'd think it makes him a bad person.)

ive been wanting to draw some of this for funsiessss. make that man go crazy bonkers insane like im monika ddlc turning up The Yandere Dial on yuri

another thing that's fun to explore is paper's need for attention!! my friend is better at explaining and detecting paper's hpd than i am, but i still notice some symptoms and scenarios myself: paper making a big deal about getting possibly eliminated while sitting on the bench, paper dramatically telling oj to go on without him then getting upset when he Does That, paper socializing quite a bit and generally being pretty extroverted, etc. and that can be. fun to think about! mind you i think more about oj's npd and bpd but i, of course, love paper a lot too. my friend suggested this, but paper feeding into oj's obsession (paper is oj's fp to be clear, umm i can give proof if someone wants?) to get attention & fucking things up just so he has to fix it and help him and Observe him is fun to consider. there's also the fact paper is bullied and shunned pretty often both in ii1 (remember apple) and in the hotel (they canonically just. destroy things. and paper has to fix them), and he's often not given attention other than to be useful... which kinda explains paper's eagerness to help in canon! id say it started off with paper trying to help people a lot in ii1, then they got used to it and started to assume he'd help all the time in the hotel, which he just went with because it's The Only Time they give him attention. also is why he canonically likes to cook :) he loves the reception it gets!

i like divorced payjay, but i don't think it would happen realistically. they're together for life. it definitely gets hard sometimes (they're both Suffering in general) but they're never ever Ever going to give up on each other. and that's beautifullll ahh my little Worms

um. i just realized i rambled more about their respective mental illnesses than doomed payjay LOL welllll it causes problems in their relationship ok

if you want you can send me an ask rambling about doomed payjay... id love to see what you were ranting about yesterday!

#juice.txt #ii paper #inanimate insanity #payjay #ii oj #oj ii #paper ii #thank you nutakuro!!! #ough i need to talk more about npd oj sometime im really into it rn #also oj's dilemma with the hotel ruining his life and his devastating fear of admitting failure and his need to be useful

[orange-orchard-system]

hey don't feel pressured to give any advice to this if it makes yall uncomfortable but I need a place to put this and I don't want to put it on our main blog because we're out as a system there.

I'm beginning to think my headmates might just be a delusion. I fully believe I'm a system and can't shake the belief that I am even though more and more evidence is coming up that I might not be. I've realised that any time I "switch" I consciously choose to act like a headmate, instead of it being an uncontrollable thing. I have no 'core' sense of self due to NPD which makes it really easy to pick up and drop different traits, but I'm never not *me*.

I do dissociate quite badly and have memory issues. and I might have mistaken my ability to act like different people for headmates. which might be why I think I have DID

I don't know. I'm scared of backlash if it turns out what I thought was a system was in fact a delusion. I've made several plural friends through here and I've contributed to the plural community and people have even come to me for plural related advice. will it all have been a lie?

also do yall know any psychotic systems that I might be able to talk to about this?

I don't know of any others, but we're a psychotic system and willing to listen!

This sounds like a delicate situation. I'm going to treat it as if you're questioning being a system, and aren't sure either way, and will provide suggestions to support either direction. I'll do my best to stay objective but gentle, but this response will discuss delusions, dissociation, the boundaries between them, and how those boundaries can blur, so be mindful of how you're feeling when reading. Got that?

(also, this response got, uh, long. More under the cut.)

You do bring up good points about how you may not be a system. The switching one in particular is unlike how most switches work, as most switches are uncontrolled to a degree, and don't involve a choice to start acting a certain way. And you wouldn't be the first to have some overlap with the plural community due to a personality disorder – just look at how BPD and DID often have parallels drawn in papers on diagnosing one or the other, or even just parallels noted within the communities!

However, what you're describing also sounds similar to median, OSDD-1a, and monoconscious systems, who also often feel like themselves no matter who they switch to. This can also affect how switching feels, which for these systems, can be more like putting on a hat than losing control of themselves and becoming someone different. Do median + OSDD-1A + monoconscious experiences perfectly explain this feeling of "I'm just acting like another headmate and not actually switching"? No, but I recommend you look into them to see if you do or don't feel like they explain why you don't feel like you fit the conventional mold of systems, which is often centered around multiple DID systems. This should give you better insight into whether it's a delusion or not.

You know, I often hear the opposite of what you've next described – people often say they mistook their DID for simply being able to act differently when they need/want to! But in all seriousness, I understand the concern. If it's the plurality part that's bothering you, why not take a closer look at your memory problems and dissociation? You may want to identify possible other sources for these things, and look into how others describe their own experiences with them. Don't take others' experiences as gospel you have to match – just use it as a reference for comparing and contrasting your own memory issues and dissociation. I mentioned OSDD-1A before, so I mainly recommend looking into those experiences, but be sure to branch out to outside CDDs and look into other disorders. Perhaps other personality and dissociative disorders would be a good place to start?

Moving on, I don't think everything you've done as part of the plural community would be a lie, even if it turns out to be a delusion. It sounds like you've helped out people with your advice, and enjoyed the friendships you've made, which sound like positive things overall. Even if you're wrong about being a system, you're not wrong about having added some good into the world through your kindness and helpfulness, and it's not like you were intentionally misleading and tricking people – your concern now shows that you don't want that! While there may be backlash, that kind of backlash tends to come from people who aren't so nice in general anyway, so I don't think you should give their words much weight. A conditional sort of acceptance based on never being wrong about a personal part of one's identity that's really tricky to identify? Who wants that? It's a ridiculous standard to hold anyone to.

At the end of the day, I think what matters most is if considering yourself plural helps you. Taking the idea that it's a delusion – is it harming you? Is it causing you to act in ways that are negatively affecting you? If so, it may be time to consider how to bring yourself out of it, or how to better manage it as a delusion. However, if it's a delusion that doesn't negatively affect you, or at least doesn't negatively affect you that much... is continuing to identify as plural truly such a bad thing?

I'm not suggesting you encourage a delusion, of course (especially in this context, where you're distressed over the possibility of it), but if the plural framework helps you, then using it as a way to manage this possible delusion doesn't seem like too bad of an idea, as long as you adapt the parts that aren't accurate, and are careful with how you use it. I've known people whose best way of managing delusions was going along with them, only combating them if they started hurting or negatively affecting them – just kinda keeping an eye on them like a new owner would a puppy, you know? People tend to think of any presence of delusion as a bad thing, but sometimes they're just a part of someone's life. Of course, if this doesn't fit your experience, you do not at all need to continue considering yourself plural after coming to the (hypothetical, possible) conclusion that you're experiencing a delusion. It's just worth considering, but if you do consider it, please go to others who discuss their delusions like this or in similar ways to this, as our delusions are only ever negative and we do not and can not speak on how this works, only that we know of others who have made it work. Also, this post may help give more context on why I suggest this approach.

On another topic, the thing with dissociation is that it's very related to things like delusions and hallucinations. Internal communication is called auditory hallucinations. The way people describe derealization can match up nearly identically to people with delusions of the world not being real. So finding out whether someone is a system or experiencing a delusion of being a system... is not something that can be done easily (and certainly not over an ask on Tumblr. As much as I'd like to give you an answer either way, the best I can do is offer what I know about related experiences I've seen and had, which I hope I've done to the best of my ability). But my point is that a third option to consider is that you may be standing at the intersection of plurality and psychosis. It's happened before – hell, one of our own delusions functions similarly enough to the rest of our plurality that we've had difficulty establishing whether it was a delusion of identity or just another headmate (which is another reason why we suggest using a plural framework to manage this possible delusion – it may help you make sense of whatever's going on in your head via comparison, even if it's not a perfect descriptor, the way that comparing our delusion to a headmate helped us understand it better). So maybe the answer is "both" or "more so this thing but also partly that" or "it's this but really similar to that" for you, too.

Whatever the answer is, I hope you're able to find it. Good luck, anon!!

#asks #front soup.txt #psychosis

[pageofheartdj]

Honestly I think part of the problem with the whole narcissistic abuse thing is that npd was named after the trait of narcissism rather than being given it's own word.

Like before autism was autism, autistic, etc a word with it's own loaded definition? Was borderline a word with it's own definition? All the other personality disorders (other than schizoid personality disorder I guess) are either loosely based on other words or given new words as their name.

Other than narcissistic personality disorder. Theres the tale of narcisa (however you spell it) and what happens because of her narcissism. Narcissism is a trait given to bad guys in movies and books long before narcissistic personality disorder became known.

So like part of the problem is that narcissism already had a definition and then narcissistic personality disorder came in and "took" it to mean another thing. Narcissistic abuse refers to the first definition of narcissism before it was a diagnosable personality disorder, but that doesnt make it any less harmful to people who are diagnosed.

Since it's so entrenched in the cultural zeitgeist honestly I think the easiest way to get rid of some of the stereotypes and bad view would be just to rename narcissistic personality disorder. That would get rid of most of the issues and help make the people diagnosed without not jump to all the things they've seen or heard where people talk badly about narcissism.

Idk those are my thoughts.

What is weird is that whatever legend I am googling is always sad and unfair? The only person Narcissus hurts is himself.

In one version his twin sister dies so he goes to see his reflection and he grieves and eventually dies. That's super sad. The other more common? one is just when this one dude loved his relfection too much that he never left and eventually? turned into a flower? And the other one is when he was so pretty, everyone loved him but he never loved anyone back(hi aromantics). And for that Aphrodita decided to punish him and made him fall in love with his own reflection. And the guy didn't want to, but couldn't leave and couldn't eat or drink, and so he died. Like, in all these versions he is either hurting himself or was hurt for just minding his own business(unless there is some version where he was shitty to everyone? but greek myths are often just cruel and unfair).

I don't know, think people should know better than that and understand that a disorder has nothing to do with narcissism. But it is convenient to them, they have this enemy they can openly hate and mistreat and be praised for it.

Also I don't think changing the name will help much. 'Psychopath' is still used to negatively describe people who have antisocial personality disorder traits(being named psychopathy in the past, which also is its own word?)

#npd #narcissistic personality disorder

[bringcal]

what is your hot take on neurodiversity

what does this even MEAN!!! x3

Y'know what most of the asks I've gotten are jokes so im taking this and spinning it in a way that probably had nothing to do with what you actually meant by this

I just think a lot of people on here have unchecked biases against mentally ill people.

I'm focusing a lot on the 'weird factor' when I am talking about this, because I feel like it goes so much deeper.. when I say 'weird factor' I am talking about people who's behaviors make you feel 'weirded out' or 'uncomfortable' even though they're not actually doing something truely 'wrong', Mentally ill people who don't fit your box of a 'good mentally ill person', thus you treat them differently.

It's like there is a silent but rampant thought process where to be a 'proper' or 'good' mentally ill person, you have to pretend you are not suffering, your neuroticism cannot negatively effect your friendships or other people in any way, and it has to fit in a box of stereotypical understanding of specific disorders.

People hate the 'weird' on here and I truly believe that sometimes it's because they dislike mentally ill people they don't understand or refuse to understand, So they target and wait any second for anything they can concretely hate them for.

I'm talking about people with low empathy, people who are asocial, people who act in risky ways, or other behaviors and traits that are disliked by most people or are associated with more stigmatized mental illnesses.

It's not something I do often now, but if you followed me for a very long time you know a lot of my old art tackles traits I've struggled with that have to do w mental illness, as well as just general dark topics that had to do with trauma and effects of it thereafter. I've come to notice people hate that shit so bad. It's fine if you're not a fan of these things in art, but its a whole other thing when you target and harass someone just because they make you 'uncomfortable' and you can't understand why.

my art was for the mentally ill people and abuse victims who related but a lot of people who couldn't relate just saw it as 'weird' and i truely believe weird = bad mentally ill person to them and they just don't realize it. That is my take. You don't even have to explicitly say you are mentally ill to be seen as mentally ill, you'll just be labelled 'weird' instead and people will try to do anything to get an actually legit reason to justify them thinking youre weird. weird = bad to them.

But it's the same once people do have labels to work with; I've stopped posting about having NPD because people cannot be normal about it. I've learned I make everyone uncomfortable the second I let people know, and even if people reassure that they don't see you as a bad person, they are always expecting it because you make them slightly uncomfortable. I swear the second I make any mistake people turn around INSTANTLY with " I knew it, you're just a typical narcissist ! " and show that they do actually believe npd = bad and npd people always have the upper hand as if they're some kind of kingpin bogeyman who are ticking timebombs. If i make a mistake and they don't know I have npd? I get met with a regular ass response you'd give to anyone else like reconciliation and/or further discussion about it.

I also get like, tons of hate for having DID, I delete any weird anons or hate anons I get but a lot of them are about the fact I have this dissociative disorder.

and Listen, I'm not saying you're not allowed to dislike people, you cant ignore people who make you feel weird (in fact this is much better than harassment for no true reason) or if people weird you out its an inherently bad thing, but I am saying ... is the person weird or are they actually just mentally ill and you're picking up on it and hating it, and are you trying to harass them just because they're 'weird' and weird = bad to you?

This was really shittily written out, but yeah hopefully it makes some kind of sense to someone :'3

#askies

[clockworkblogs]

Yk. Sometimes I think that society doesn’t care about mentally ill people unless their symptoms are palatable and socially acceptable.

Bc we have personality disorders that are trauma disorders, which are heavily disregarded and openly dehumanized in professional and social settings merely for existing. Being a trauma survivor is acceptable until the way you learned to survive wasn’t the “standard” way of coping.

I think people generally struggle to wrap their heads around the idea that people can survive trauma in non palatable, non sensationalized ways and that that *was* needed. I can sit here and explain my aspd symptoms and my npd symptoms and that all these traits were *needed*, not wanted, not favored, *needed* in that moment, and I feel as if I have to prove my humanity to this person. People turn their heads knowing that a trauma survivor survived by having low/no empathy. An antisocial can say “I dispose of people and their emotions and generally do not like society and disregard them internally because in my life I have been shown nothing but things that proved this claim through constant trauma” and people will want to burn this person at the stake for that as if they aren’t further proving their point.

I can talk about the fact that I literally have trauma from the moment I was born. I can talk about the time someone thought it was funny to put jumper cables on my arm. I can talk about how when I was a child when I wanted to play with other kids I ended up being dragged into the forest to be pushed into mud and laughed at. I can talk about how I have a memory of being crouched up in a ball with my body on the floor and I am covered in blood of some sort. I can talk about how I was regarded as more of an object or a prize and openly seeked out identifying through such as a kid. I can talk about how I openly took abuse for attention. I can talk about how I learned if I hurt myself caregivers are socially ostracized if they do not take care of their children, and learned I could do this in order to receive concern and worry towards me. I can talk about how people regularly seeked mistreating me as forms entertainment. I can talk about how generally my life has been more focused on doing what other people want rather than my own, especially in my family. I can tell you about how they have made themselves the center of my existence by force and threat. I can talk about how when I was a child bullying was normal even in daycare ages. I can talk about how both children and adults alike generally speaking did something hostile or generally upsetting to me to the point when any person crossed my path that spoke warmly to me and also kept through that consistently it felt like the biggest overjoying highlight of my life to a point I would fixate on them obsessively. I can talk about how the majority of the things I stated are legitimately before 10 years old

Do I need this to prove why I’m deserving of being addressed as a person for my personality disorder? Or am I just being manipulative again? Am I deserving of my presentation? /ret

#ghost.txt #vent.txt #log entry #tw abuse #tw harassment

[lore-gore]

Some extra notes for my ride the cyclone roleplay, mainly about certain words that I would prefer not to be used. While I headcanon the choir to have died in 2016, it is important that we make this a safe space for all.

- Things like cr*pple, esk*mo, m*dg*t, and gy*sy are slurs and should NOT be used. It's seems many do not know this, so just in case. Handic*pped and sp*z should probably also be avoided. Considering most if not all of us are gay, I'd say you can say the regular gay slurs granted in a comedic way. But if you are uncomfortable with that, please speak up and I will ask for those those words to be avoided too.

- Please do not use narcissist/narcissistic/narcissism as an insult. It perpetuates the stigma around people with NPD. Here are some replacement words: egomaniac, egotistical, egocentric, self centered, self absorbed, self serving, self righteous, self obsessed, selfish, vain, arrogant, uncaring, inconsiderate, manipulative, gaslighter, prideful, haughty, holier-then-thou, pompous, snob, snobbish, snooty, condescending, conceited, lofty, stuck-up, smug, mean, uppity, uppish, cocky, big headed, high and mighty, full of themselves, above themselves, etc.

- Also do not use psychotic, delusional, delusion, bipolar, schizophrenic, or schizophrenia, unless you are talking about the disorders. And don't use hallucination/hallucinating/hallucinate or paranoia/paranoid as hyperboles. Use them correctly and appropriately.

- And do not use the words psych0, schiz0, psychopath, or sociopath.

If there are any other words you are uncomfortable with being used, please let me know! And while it's important to listen to disabled people, it's also important to remember that fighting ableism is more than a list of words. These are simply words I've heard people whom those words apply to say to avoid, and even then they may disagree. So personally I just exclude words that are linked directly to the disorders. And again, these are just words I'd prefer for you not to use. I know this is a lot to remember, and I don't want you to stress out about it. Ultimately it is your choice whether or not to exclude those words, I am just encouraging you to do so.

Additionally, before reblogging as your character, state in the comments you are doing so. We want everyone to have a turn to speak.

Also I think during the roleplay we should DM the others before we start a new thread, just to make sure nobody has any schedule conflicts that day. (Or is like, sleeping because time differences.) I'm going to be working some days, so there will be certain times I will be unable to do it.

Also if you know ANYONE who would want to take the role of Constance, please let me know!

And DM me if you have any questions!!!

@krowsselfindulgy @max--jagerman @democracyrockzz

[bondsmagii]

the last anon about "psychopaths" is correct and reminded me of another thing: how everyone views people with Cluster B Personality Disorders (antisocial personality disorder(ASPD aka "sociopathy"), borderline personality disorder(BPD), histrionic personality disorder(HPD), and narcissistic personality disorder(NPD) like dogshit.

I have BPD (and some other shit that amplifies it), went through some godawful phases, and have been in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy(RODBT) but it can't prepare me for a hyper-specific instance where I don't know what to do, nothing ever can. When I google search something in regards to managing my BPD, I get shit like "every person with BPD will always drain you and do not befriend someone with BPD they will always manipulate you they're a yandere oooh aaah scary noooo" and I am so fucking tired. I know my disorder makes me a fucking awful person at times and I know, deep down, I am not an awful person but "people with BPD tend to see themselves as the victim" so I think I actually am an awful person in denial. That is not to say that I am immune to consequences or because I can't control it. I can control myself and everyone can. I am always responsible for my actions and any repercussions that follow.

But there's support for BPD. I know there's also support for HPD and even NPD, but ASPD is not much. one of my cluster Bitches in crime has ASPD, and every time I see someone throw the word "sociopath" around like it's the communal piss pot I get angry. I'm "hyper-empathetic/sympathetic" and hyper-emotional as a whole and I get angry because "that isn't even fucking true you incompetent troglodyte."

TLDR: dawg we just trynna fuckin live here, it isn't our fault we turned out this way. We're more than our disorder/diagnosis

(this is in reference to this ask, not the most recent, as I am a disgrace when it comes to answering asks in a timely manner.)

this is something that has long, long pissed me off. I mean I have been bitching about this for years, and I still get so mad about it. did you know that the subreddit for BPD bans people with BPD from subscribing or posting? it's literally just full of people bitching about their BPD partners/friends/family members and talking about how horrible and awful and irredeemable people with BPD are, and the language is very much like they believe these people are choosing to be that way. I don't deny that BPD can and does make people act in terrible ways, but the way I've seen people talk about it makes me think they see no difference between this and people without BPD who just choose to be abusive. fair enough if someone uses BPD as an excuse to never change, but everyone I have met with BPD has been very aware of it and working very hard to manage their symptoms. the fact that they can't even Google resources to help them without seeing absolutely disgraceful articles talking about them as though they're pet dogs to be trained is abhorrent. (I have literally seen articles talking about "how to deal with/manage your borderline" -- what absolutely disgusting language to use about human beings. this is a personality disorder, not a dog breed.)

honestly, all Cluster B disorders get an atrocious amount of shit. it's like I've always said: people are so full of support and love to talk the talk until somebody with a mental illness or a personality disorder acts "scary" or "bad," and then nobody's interested. it's the same bullshit behind everyone yelling about making mentally ill people "look bad" if you acknowledge that somebody who committed a crime was mentally ill. look at what happens if you point out that sane people don't commit mass shootings, lmao. people just cannot deal with the moral nuance of accepting that mentally ill people, or people with personality disorders, may be abusive or may be criminals, but they still deserve support. maybe if people didn't have such unexamined prejudices against criminals, they might not struggle with this so much -- but again, criminals deserve support and human rights until they commit a "really bad" crime like murder or rape, and then apparently they're monsters and animals and deserve to die. it's hypocrisy, baby. people do not like feeling uncomfortable and they don't like looking as though they "support" bad things -- and so you end up with bullshit like this. respecting the human rights of dangerously mentally ill people, or people with "scary" personality disorders, apparently means condoning bad behaviour. it's the most smooth-brained shit.

tl;dr if people stopped using their morality to make themselves look good and instead based it on principales that would make a better world for everyone, we probably wouldn't have this problem.

#anon #asks

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[fierceawakening]

I keep thinking about that “I don’t have NPD, I actually can do things normal humans can’t” guy and it’s giving me all kids of Forbidden Thoughts, like… what if the people who say they have these illnesses on tumblr are not just lying, but maybe just too high functioning to recognize that other people may really have things worse?

Like, I keep remembering the way he’d talk about his abilities (that he knew enough about the law and about conspiracies that if the UN did not immediately intervene to give him custody of his son, he would put into motion a series of events that would result in repealing human rights globally.)

And it must have been obvious from the look on my face that I thought this was a delusion or that I thought “holy shit, what a cruel thing to have delusions about” because every time I tried not to react he’d lean over, grinning, and go “haha, am I scaring you?”

Like. I pitied him, sure, that he had such a hard time with losing custody that he had to invent a fantasy world over it. But the way he relished frightening me, and literally for real detecting that I was afraid. I’ll never forget that as long as I live.

And yet, this guy, who thought he could make the world pay supervillain style for taking something that was his (I kept asking “where does your son want to stay? How do you know?“ and all the answers were, like, “not with the bitch, he’s mine.” The kid was a possession more than a person it seemed)… had come to me for disability peer support because he couldn’t focus to type. So he’d wanted me to type out his threatening letter to the UN, as he dictated.

I don’t know. I feel like there’s a lot of good in the way tumblr talks about minimizing stigma but i don’t think people really understand just how crazy crazy can get, and just how hard it is for ANYONE to know how the fuck to respond to it.

I eventually asked another peer mentor for help who I knew was getting his MSW and who had a mental illness history of his own.

All I remember is the way he turned to me afterward white as a sheet and said, “I think that man is legitimately dangerous,” and how guilty I felt for not giving enough warning when I said I thought so too.

[compassionatereminders]

hi Kat I've been following your blog for about a year now and reading your blog helps me so much in small and significant ways! you don't have to respond to this but I had a bit of a revelation/world of thoughts unleashed and I don't really have anywhere to go with this? thanks for lending an ear

I watched a psychologist talk about how narcissists make a big deal out of their birthdays. For the last few years I've really come to dread my birthdays, mostly because I felt so awful about receiving any kind of attention on my birthday and I didn't know why. at best, I concluded that it was because I had a lot of bad birthdays, but even then...I didn't know why my anxieties seemed so severe.

I think if my narcissism about my anxieties on getting validation on my birthday went unchecked I would have turned into one of those people who can never be pleased and constantly just setting myself up to have "ruined" birthdays. I felt really awful about feeling disappointed or upset on my birthdays so I specifically asked my friends not to make a big deal out of my birthday during my last couple of birthdays.

I believe now that it's because I grew up with a narcissist who would go out of their way to make me feel bad on my "special" day. Consciously or not, they likely felt a need to ruin a moment that wasn't centered around them and because I was around them so much they'd constantly fill my head with negative thoughts on my birthdays. I think I would have to literally get away from people on my birthday to not feel triggered because there's an ongoing "joke" that my parents always forgot the date of my birthday and for the first 5 or so years of my life I was celebrating my birthday on the wrong date (my parents are narcissists too). The narcissist in my life always brings it up on my birthday and uses it as an opportunity to walk down memory lane on how awful my parents were, and for my birthday I don't need that. I understand this is still something I have to work on (yay, time to get with my therapist about this!), but I feel better that I was right to suspect that my anxieties over a seemingly simple birthday stemmed from something not right.

I was tired of getting upset that people just wanted to tell me "happy birthday", but I understand it comes from a childhood of every birthday having been spoilt and so I expect all my birthdays to be like that. I know now that the narcissist will likely continue to try to ruin my birthdays so I just have to remember not to feed into their BS and simply go on with my birthday. I also don't need to spend my birthdays thinking about the bad ones. Hopefully, for my next birthday I will manage it better. And seriously, I don't like to fret over my birthdays but I am seeing where the anxieties stem from and it feels like I can actually see it with much more relaxed vibes

I'm so sorry that you've been surrounded by people who don't value and respect you like you deserve to be valued and respected, but I'm gonna have to question your use of the term narcissist. Narcissistic isn't just another term for abusive or toxic or self centered. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an actual clinical diagnosis which actual people suffer from. And every time you call a shitty person a narcissist, you're strengthening an association between abuse and mental illness which isn't actually there. People with NPD usually developed NPD as a result of trauma and neglect, and it truly isn't fair to group them in with every shitty individual you come across. So the next time you wanna vent to me about the people who hurt you, please just call them abusers or assholes or any other term which doesn't further stigmatize an already stigmatized mental illness.

#chat with kat #cluster b ableism tw #ableism tw

[dumb-fictionkin-sideblog]

This is meant to be informational, all of this is /info

I'm not sure if you know this but hyper-empathic people with autism aren't ableist for not liking people with narcissistic personality disorder. Yet, a lot of people who do have that type of autism (which is rare yet more common in the biologically female genome side of it), can spot people with narcissistic personality disorder very easily. This is because of common phrases which in turn make them feel unsafe. This may impact the autistic person negatively, and MAY cause long-term PTSD (C-PTSD for Complex PTSD), but that does NOT make the person with NPD an abuser. Its common for those with hyper-empathy to feel unsafe around people with NPD because they are two polar opposites of intentions on the spectrum and often get mistaken for each other by strangers. Like its common for you to immediately tell if someone is homophobic or not, its also common for people with NPD and people with HE autism to recognize each other even if those without it can't tell them apart easily. Its a common fear response and nothing more. The best thing you can do if someone seems to think that Narcissistic abuse is real and has HE autism is to tell them to talk or see a therapist, or at the very least to look up information online from credible sources. (Of course, its also good to deliver this gently as they will be defensive.) TLDR; HE autism and NPD recognize each other and don't get along well but that doesn't make it abuse or ableism. /info

This is ! a lot of great info that... does not contradict any of what I have ever said, so I'm not sure why you felt like you needed to say it (or even less why you felt like you needed to put big ol' info tone tags all around it as if it was going to be offensive)

(Guessing you're referring to that post where I said "narcissistic abuse isn't a thing and not every single person with autism is hyper-empathic")

It does sound, uh, strange to me that someone just existing would cause PTSD in another person, but I've never claimed to be an expert. Also seeing the points you're making I do think ASPD could be grouped with NPD in this as well (yknow, because of the low empathy and all) — but when I say "narcissistic abuse" doesn't exist I'm strictly talking about the term. Of course people with NPD can be abusers. People with ASD can also be abusers, but we don't call that "autistic abuse" because it'd be stupid.

I get the point with the fact that they can recognize each other more easily, but uh, no, I can't identify whether someone's homophobic or not without asking them. People have been wrong. Like, it happens a lot. You can't... say that it's a reliable way to identify someone with NPD/HE autism. Literally yesterday I had a friend at my house who has HE autism and we ended up talking about this exact topic because they called themselves a "victim of narcissistic abuse" and I nearly had a fucking stroke. When I told them I had low empathy, which happened years ago to be fair, they were surprised.

I'm very easily triggered by what you call "common NPD phrases" (if I understood that right, and if did then I'm assuming you mean something that sounds manipulative, which.... moving on) to the point that it's something I have to discuss with pretty much everyone I know because it always comes up at some point and I get triggered by something completely innocent. It's a really big problem for me. But I am far from being uncomfortable around people with NPD (or people who just have low empathy for that matter), usually because they tend to be very honest with me the moment I open up about having low empathy (usually in a "oh thank God I don't have to keep masking around you" way). I tend to feel more unsafe around hyper-empathic people, not because of "common phrases" or anything, but because I've heard them say so much shit about people like me that it's become automatic to feel wary of them (see: my best IRL friend telling me they're a "victim of narcissistic abuse" after I've already opened up to them about my own empathy issues; trying to listen to a podcast my friend is in and getting hit with a "yeah I'm a decent human being, I've got fucking empathy"; trying to explain to someone that people with ASPD aren't all serial killers and being met with "some things deserve to be demonized ❤"; etc etc.).

For these reasons I do not believe that HE autistic people feeling unsafe around people with low empathy or NPD isn't at least partially for ableist reasons, whether conscious or not. Feel free to prove me wrong, it'd be great.

#sunny #tw ableism #(for the mention. i dont think any of xhat you said was ableist in nature) #this is sad because it's generally something i like to talk about. im glad you were at least coming to me in good faith though #had an... experience a while ago talking to someone who explained that 'no no psychopathy in cognitive science is totally different- #-from the outdated term for aspd and its not linked to aspd at all! its a completely different thing!' #only for me to look it up and go on a .gov website and the first review of several studies that i see had a big intoductory disclamer #basically saying 'umm we're not sure because according to our MRIs what we have identified as psychopathy in the brain would- #-be more common than not having it with like over half of our evaluated population... but it could just be high IQ we didnt check :)' #im kind of losing faith in people who dont have low empathy just because they want 'psychopathy' to eb a thing so bad #i'd already lost faith in the field of psychiatry but. they want to separate good and bad people so bad. they want low empathy to be bad. #again im no expert but if you start your paper with 'we did this with only MRIs and the MRIs didnt have the results we want them to- #-so we're choosing to ignore it and pretend we're right anyway in this vague idea of a thing existing'... i'm not gonna believe you #just way you think people with low empathy are ~different~ and ~bad people~ but dont try to make a science paper out of it #im tired of people pretending the concept of bad people even exists and choosing that it's low/no empathy people actually. #--i do want to say that its completely valid to just feel uncomfortable around certain people for any reason at all #like we dont /have/ to all likr each other. thats not how humans work socially. some people just dont go very well together #but you cant convince me that saying ''i dont like people with this mental disorder because they make me feel unsafe'' isn't ableist at all #ask #anon

[nothingnessofthemind]

Where do I go from here?

This post grew beyond my original intention. Once I started writing I felt the need to share more details. I have been isolating for quite some time and bottling everything inside for too long so this is the written form of oversharing. Basically the last paragraph is where I am in life and what questions I have. I don't expect anyone to read the entire post but if you do, thank you. If you are in a hurry feel free to skip to the last paragraph.

I've spent a lifetime trying to fix the things in me that I have been told needed fixing. As a young kid I was also taught that I should never cry especially if it's just my feelings that are hurt and I need to quit being sad all the time because I had a great life.

Somehow I managed to survive to adulthood. There were a few times in my teen years where I seriously considered ending my life. Why not? I never gets better. I never get better. By age 17 I was drinking as much as I could get ahold of and doing any drugs available. I made the mistake of confiding in my mother when I knew I needed help or I would be dead soon. She shamed me for being so selfish to even think like that. What would people think of her and dad if I did something like that?

At age 18 I moved into my own place and 2 months later married the mother of the child I had at age 17. It wasn't easy but I was determined to be better than my parents. I had responsibilities now so no time or money for drugs and only splurged on alcohol for special events. It didn't take long to find out that the love of my life was a pretty version of both my parents. She knew every flaw I had and made certain to point them out often.

Back then i didn't know what a narcissist was or codependence or trauma bonding or emotional abuse. I wanted death more than ever but by now I had two kids and I couldn't put them though that so I turned to god and prayed everyday to either fix me or let me die. My marriage lasted 18 years but was over by the second year. I couldn't change enough to make her happy. Her rules constantly changed making sure I knew I was never good enough. To survive I had to learn to stuff my feelings deep and never let them surface. I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me as I had 2 parents and a lovely wife taking care of that.

My ex has never been diagnosed with NPD but if I had to guess I'd say she should be. Her favorite thing to do was act like all is well until I'd go to bed and as soon as I would fall asleep wake me up and start a fight. This would go on most of the night and always on a work night making for a rough day at work. I soon learned that getting angry or emotional and arguing my point energized her. I knew I could never win the fight and the longer I tried the longer it lasted. An hour or two of sleep before work wasn't working for me so I needed to end these talks quicker. It wasn't easy but if I just sat there showing no emotion and not saying a single word she would give up in a few hours. 4 or 5 hours of sleep was better then 1. The outcome was exactly the same either way.

That must have been horrible for her. She needed her supply and I kept it locked up and refused to show any sign of emotion. No anger, now frustration. No defending myself in any way. Just letting her go on and on about whatever she thought would get to me.

Our marriage ended about 18 years ago. I was so broken and so tired and I just didn't feel like fighting for anything. She hired an expensive lawyer with a reputation for getting women everything their husbands had to give. I hired a lawyer that was wiling and able to do battle with her lawyer but I said all I want is every weekend and every other holiday with the kids and a week or two every summer to go camping. I said I'd also like my guns, tools, cloths and truck. I said she can have the house but also get's the mortgage. I said I would take all the bank loans, credit cards and medical bills. She could have hired a cheap lawyer and done just as well. I never brought the infidelity into the battle since I didn't fight for anything. I had a stack of letters and an STD that she picked up from one of the others that I didn't use against her in court. I didn't want the stuff. I can always by more stuff. What I can't replace is the life, the time, the hopes and dreams.

I didn't know it at the time but once the marriage ended I should have been in therapy. I was in the same place as I was as a kid. Broken and in need of fixing things but not the things I was told my problems were. I need to fix the damage that was done to me all along. There were some incredibly fun years after the divorce. My plan for moving on was to show the world that I am not what I was told I was my whole life. By world I mean my ex. Too bad the fun years were fueled by alcohol and a codependent need to for approval from everyone around me. Turns out I am a people pleaser as well and will go out of my way to help someone out if they need help. Most people appreciate it but some take advantage of the situation don't care that I will sacrifice my needs and continue giving.

So now I ask, where do I go from here? Who am I really? I've been told by others and know much of what I have done in life has been based off their expectations rather than my choice. I am struggling with finding a therapist and making an appointment. I know fear is holding me back. I know it is going to hurt. I know it's going to be a lot of work. I also know that drugs and alcohol can be very helpful in faking it. I know many people who use the addiction to feel and appear to be normal. I know that once I do start therapy I will lye to the therapist about some things at first. I fear if I am honest about the alcohol and drug use in the beginning, the addictions will become the focus and the cause of the addictions will not be resolved. My sister has gone to alcohol treatment many times and it has never stuck. She has not had many sober days since about age 14. I don't know to the extent other drugs were involved but alcohol is her go to crutch. She would rather believe the narrative we were fed as kids. Maybe that's were I would be too if I hadn't had such a horrible experience with my marriage. As bad as my marriage was I didn't use alcohol and drugs while the kids were involved. Even now, they don't know that I use anything other than weed. As for any other stuff, I use enough to function and maintain the appearance of normal. I an currently not drinking mainly because it wasn't helping me function. The way I see it, the addiction is a symptom of something that was done to me. Fix what was broken and the symptoms eventually go away. I could be wrong and am just a druggie trying to justify using. My goal is to stop using someday but today is not that day.

#narcissistic abuse #cptsd problems #emotional abuse #trauma #wtf #codependency

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

I’m back again. For who knows how long.

I’ve been thinking. 19 years of my life that I’ve been abused. Doesn’t it make sense I would be toxic, hurtful, manipulative, passive aggressive. Doesn’t it make sense that I am narcissist and sociopathic. Doesn’t it make sense that for my whole life I’ve not had one kind person and so I am not a kind person. People say that abuse victims should be docile, from the abuse. They should be scared, very sad. Why not angry? Why would I not have learned how to survive? Why would I not be strong and angry and rude? Do i not deserve to be rude, when all I’ve ever had is rudeness? Parents, partners, friends, teachers, where is the kindness I was supposed to get from them? And why am I expected to uphold that kindness immediately with no proof you aren’t going to do the same? Why wouldn’t I start our relationship based on lies, manipulation, things to keep me safe, when you could be just like the others. Not one kind person in my life. Ofc theres been kind people AROUND, like someone holding the door open. But those people can also be just as mean. All of my abusers have held doors open. Why should I trust you with no proof? Why would I automatically be kind and truthful when at any second you may turn and bite me. Why would it not make sense that for me, you earn trust and kindness, not have it automatically. I’ll be kind at the beginning, when we aren’t friends, when we are strangers. I’ll hold the door, say please and thank you, but I’m not going to tell you my secrets. I won’t reveal what makes me happy or sad. I won’t say my hobbies. I will avoid it all, for my safety. It’s not like my lying and manipulation is that bad, i don’t harm anyone. I don’t tell anyone lies that would get them actually hurt, just lies about my feelings, lies about what I am up to, what I am reading. Once you make it past a little, i start to have what I call stage 1 trust. This is when I don’t trust you, but I act like i do, I’ll treat you like i trust you, but I don’t. I act how someone does when they trust someone, but I’m always prepared to dip, to start lying again, i remind myself that you cannot actually be trusted yet. I’ll dip a little into how I feel, maybe tell you my actual hobbies and what I’m actually up to. Stage two trust? No one has ever gotten there. And that makes sense. Why would anyone who treats me like shit get there? Why would someone who’s stops talking to me get there?

Maybe it’s stupid, I’m the reason I have no friends, because I won’t let people in and I won’t stop myself from lying and manipulating in ways I know will keep me safe from people I have no idea the capabilities of. I don’t see a reason to fix that; and maybe that is shitty. Maybe everyone hates that, but I don’t really care. I am safe like This, no one can harm me anyone like this. Why would I change this? All my bad traits, my disorder symptoms, they are here to help me, not harm me. My thoughts are not crazy. I don’t need to use CBT, the shit i am anxious over is real. The reason I have ASPD, NPD, AVPD, OCPD, CPTSD, anxiety, depression, dermatillomania, the reason I’m mean and untrusting are all real. Every thing I fear, the reason I manipulate, lie, hide things, don’t trust, has happened and continues to happen. Why would I change that? So that I can attempt to trust people and be kind to people who a few months later will be tearing me down, using things against me, or abusing me? No. I think not.

I’m tired of therapy. It doesn’t work. Because my reasons are real, they keep happening and proving themselves. I don’t need therapy, i need someone to be fucking kind to me for more then a few months. Maybe I’d stop having so many damn issues if people weren’t fucking abusive assholes who hate everyone. Why can we not all just get along? Why can we not all just love? We do we all have to be dicks? And why am I the one who has to fix the disorders keeping me alive? Without them, i wouldn’t be resilient enough to stay alive. If they all disappeared right now, i would crumble. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Sure I can exist without some, like CPTSD, but without the dermatillomania I would just self harm in worse ways, without the anxiety I would probably yell at the people treating me like shit and get beat the fuck up, without the ASPD i would feel my emotions so strongly it would probably destroy me. Without the NPD my self esteem would constantly be low without any highs, and those highs are the only time I respect myself, i care for myself, the only time I plan my escape from abusers. Why would I keep trying to get rid of the things keeping me alive?

Do i sometimes treat people like shit? Yeah. Do they deserve it? Almost always.

#can you tell what disorder is in control right now lol #also how much sense does this even make

[television-pil0t]

I don’t know if this could possibility make since but.. I wish I loved my mom.

She was my mother. She did everything for me. I wish I loved her. I wish I could’ve been better. I wish I didn’t turn out the way I did. I wish I could say it wasn’t her fault and a lot of it was but at the same time.. idk. I don’t wanna blame my mommy. She did the best she could and god I wish I could hug her. I wish could just say it’s ok. I wish I could’ve cared more. I wish I didn’t wanna hurt her so bad all the time. I wish I could be normal for her. For everyone in my life that I was close to of course I feel.. something. Not guilt.. not sadness.. im not heavy but I’m not happy about it either. It’s like.. I feel nothing but my brain is trying so hard to get me to feel something? I wish I cared for my friends more. I wish I didn’t give everyone such a blank stare. I wish my voice wasn’t so monotone. I wish I could’ve said I loved her and meant it. I wish everything was better. I wish I died and not her. Everyday I think about it. Not because I’m suicidal or anything. I just am aware I’m not a good person. I’m really really not. I understand I hurt people completely unintentionally. Even when I try to do the right thing it always ends up coming up short. I knew Daemon for years. From 4th to 8th grade. We were best friends and I’d do anything for him and still I wonder was it just a obsession. He has NPD he didn’t give me that much attention. Was it because he was a guy that I valued him so much? What about with khye. Why do I think about him so often? Why can I just drop some people and have others stick in my head for what feels like ever. What was the difference. What did they give that others didn’t.

Sometimes I forget about my own mom. I forget she existed.. I forget about daemon. About Simon. About Zakaya.. they were the most important thing in my life and.. more than anything someone I wanted to protect.. without feeling anything for them besides a urgency to be with them. I guess it’s BPD and ASPD but.. I feel.. idk.

I remember one night in 7th grade I couldn’t stop cutting myself. I was just alone in my room. My blue,pink and green room and someone opened the door because my door wasn’t allowed to be locked and it was him. He was standing there and he just looked at me. He didn’t cry. He didn’t say anything he just took the razor away and held me. It felt like hours went by where I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t shaking. I was just there. Being held. Bleeding feeling the blood drop down my arm and then eventually feeling it dry. We got up and he cleaned me up and left. Minimal words were spoken. “Are you ok.” “Yeah.” “You still wanna keep going?” “..no.” “Are you lying.” “No.” “Ok…” I remember it all. He left and the next day started like nothing even happened. He was back to his silly ass self. So was I even tho I know the thought was in the back of both of our minds.

I never felt like daemon pitted me. I felt like he did what he felt like he should do. Just like me. The older I grow the more I realized I was like him a lot. Which.. sucks. I don’t think he ever cared about me to much.. I think he was bothered by me but I was there. I don’t know how he saw me but.. I don’t blame him. I’m not made. He gave me memory and he grew up with me and I can’t be mad at that since he showed me he cared about me.

I guess I did the same to my mom just.. less. I remember snapping at her a lot. We would get into fights and I’d do things just to hurt her so often. Yet when she was crying I felt like I should help her.. sometimes. Yet I would also wish I wasn’t around her. I would want to leave. I’d want her to shut up when she’s talking yet at the same time I could listen to her talk all day. We threatened each other often. She slapped me before. She would hurt me so badly emotionally I think I wanted to hurt her too.

Zakaya was probably one of my first EP. Thinking about everything I feel like checking myself into a mental hospital really bad. I know there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what it is though. Maybe I’m just not “in touch with my emotions.” But.. idk. I wanna be. I don’t wanna take dolma aspects of every person I meet and mold them into me. I feel so.. not real.

Maybe the stress of going to have to be a real person soon is getting to me or maybe it’s genuinely just that bad and I never had the chance to just sit here and be alone. I always avoids my thoughts. I always have. I hate thinking. It feels like there’s so damn much. To much. It feels crowded and then I feel like im just saying nonsense so I never tell this to anyone. I never talk to anyone about it. I don’t think there will ever be a cure so I don’t wanna go to a specialist but I wanna know what they think but.. I don’t wanna be told there’s so much wrong with me. I hate this. I feel so weird right now. Physically. I feel everything. I feel ichy. I feel uncomfortable. I feel so self aware it’s killing me. It’s so uncomfortable. Mentally I feel detached but locked into my body. Like im trying so hard to back out if this but im not. I can’t. This is why I hate thinking so much. To much to realize.

I miss my mom everyday. I miss everything about her. I miss khye. I miss daemon. I miss Yvonne. And Mikey. And mante.. I miss my old group of people. I miss Simon. At the same time I don’t. God it’s so fucking confusing. I feel SOMETHING when I think of these people. I know I did what I did for a reason but maybe im thinking into it to much. Maybe it was just a life goes on moment. A “you have someone prepare you for the person your about to meet next” thing. But I don’t like that. I wanna be loved and wanted but I hate it. I wanna be worshiped but I hate it. I wanna talk to all of them but I hate doing it. I hate all of them but I want them.

[empathpower]

hi! so, i found your blog through the narcissism tags. please remember that narcissists don't wake up every morning with a to-do list on how to make everyone miserable. we have low empathy as a result of our own abuse and trauma, and we aren't evil. demonizing us is a surefire way to make sure we have a harder time getting help or working towards being better. narc is not synonymous with piece-of-shit. narcs can hurt people, of course we can, but you can be horrible and not be a narc. we can love and care and have compassion just like everyone else, we can be kind and gentle and mindful of others. we are not inherently shitty. i encourage you to find some genuinely unbiased information about npd... it's difficult to find, as even the professionals think we're all asswipes from the start, but i promise there's good info out there. you could even talk to a narc, interview them, ask them about their emotions and feelings.

also, just because someone was selfish or arrogant or ignored your feelings, that doesn't automatically make them a narc.

much love, and i hope your day has been going well <3

Thank you for your kind message on how narcs are supposedly never wrong when they screw up.

My own mother is a narcissist and abused me tremendously growing up to the point where I felt like I wasn't allowed to speak up for myself, felt like I had no right to have feelings, and she used to hit me for no reason, laugh and convince me I was crazy for being upset about it, and got angry when I didn't want to turn against my own father and abused me further etc.

If you want to pretend that people don't have a right to hate narcs because of that kind of abuse than I am sorry that you're heart is in the wrong place. Narc is a term for someone who is self-centered, thinks the world evolves around them, is manipulative, abusive and likes to gaslight people and who pretend that they never do anything wrong (which is frankly what you're dong here in pretending narcs 'aren't bad.')

Please check yourself next time before you pretend narc abuse is ok.

Narc's don't want help. If they did they would have to realize other people exist and matter. But to do that they would have to admit they messed up which is something a narc would never do (and your message proves you're a fine example of that.)

If you want help sweetheart maybe you should go get it instead of justifying narcissistic tendencies and making them sound ok.

PS: If you're so confident in what you're saying then why are you so afraid to say it without the anon filter? (Also the fact you found my blog through the narc tag just proves that you were looking for trouble to begin with. Do grow up sweetheart and get the "help" you claim all narcissists' want.)

#narcassists #narc #my posts #abuse #ask #asks #my asks