#i can't work bc of Medical anymore but i do miss helping people

[wistelligence]

okay so i know that home ownership is a pipe dream for a lot of us with how things are right now, but if you ever end up with one via buying or inheriting, please allow my formerly-morgage-customer-service ass help you, my US friends, with something:

for the love of fuck, if you're setting up mortgage autopay, try to do it through your mortgage company, NOT your bank. i am dead fucking serious.

your mortgage payment is made of four parts: Payment, Interest, Taxes, and Insurance (or PITI for short). Payment and Interest are static from the inception of your mortgage unless you refi, but TAXES AND INSURANCE CAN CHANGE. every year, your state evaluates how much in property taxes you should be paying. ('when' varies by state, you can find tables online for which month your state does the eval). this typically means that your monthly mortgage payment changes by, like, a few bucks, typically. but this creates a problem.

say you pay $100 a month for your house (somehow). you have autopay set up through your bank, not your mortgage lender. one day, your state's eval says your payment is now $101. your bank autopays $100. the Big Mortgage Computer sees that your payment is only partially paid and considers it incomplete. you are now one month delinquent, because your bank's static autopay was unaware of the payment change. you are now open to getting hit with a late fee, and your credit score can be affected after 30 days. this shit *sucks*.

i cannot tell you how many calls i got from people who were upset that their bills were constantly saying unpaid (iirc it'll try to complete your payment for the prior month in full before paying for the current month), and i had to explain that 1. payments are technically due on the 1st but there's a legal grace window until the 15th (that's a whole other thing), but 2. their autopay just didn't keep up with a TI change, and that i could help them resolve the issue over the phone and they could adjust their autopay or, even better, do autopay through us so we can auto-adjust it. and hell, if a payment failed because of a system error on *our* side, it would automatically be forgiven, which can't always be assured if the bank fucked up.

bonus tip: if you do ever talk to mortgage personnel on the phone and you keep polite (and god, i know it can be hard when shit is stressful, but we're people too and we did not cause your issue), try asking if late fees can be waived. i can't remember my former company's rules, but i actually had the ability to send it up to my supervisor to request at least one late fee be removed, and 99% of the time it was because of issues like this.

anyway my memory for my previous jobs is kinda hazy, but if anyone has basic questions about mortgages or cruises, i can try to help, lmao. stay safe out there babes

#life advice #financial advice #god it's been a while but i think i got everything right #i can't work bc of Medical anymore but i do miss helping people #and taking the time to teach first time homeowners and cruisers a bunch of stuff #if i can take ten minutes to help someone avoid hours of mess i will do it every time #anyway my talk/handle time was Dogshit lmao #mildly tempted to Blaze this post bc it'd be worth the ten bucks if even one person is saved heartache by it #but alas #no income lmao

[nexus-nebulae]

damn i actually had a pretty good streak there of not having bad insomnia days. that's pretty impressive for me like i haven't really had one since early January

#usually i get them like. maybe once a week #i think it's partially my new meds? #got some meds for anxiety and oh my GOD i finally have something that WORKS instead of fucking lexapro AGAIN #literally all my doctors would go LEXAPRO!! even though it's never fuckin worked for me #BUT I'm on remeron now and it's WORKING #and i made sure to make my Scheduled Pill Time as something i could almost never miss (my mom getting home from work) #bc it's around the same time every day within a half hour range and since i have an outside reminder it helps me actually form a habit #i cannot form habits without outside help it's just. nearly impossible for me #and the meds do make me kind of tired but not enough that I'm fucking constantly sleeping like when i was on seroquel #i can actually fucking THINK through this tired it doesn't just completely take me out 100% of the time #I'm just Slightly Sleepy instead of a zombie #and it helps remind me that I'm tired bc usually i don't notice any physical feelings #(is there a word for that??????? i tried googling but it constantly gave me alexythemia which is not feeling EMOTION) #(when this is like. i can't feel tired or hungry or pain sometimes. or at least i lose the ability to be aware that I'm feeling it) #but anyway the new meds make me just tired enough to remember i need sleep #and i mean. i am sleeping slightly early but 8:30 isn't that bad i don't think #at least i have time to. you know. do stuff between the hours of 5-8 (the only hours my mom is home + stores is open) #and tbh staying up alone all night isn't. the best. for my mental health #i don't handle being alone well. and Pulse is being a dick about system barriers :P (/lh we know why it's needed rn) #we have. a deep deep fear of isolation. like not just being alone but Not Being Able To Call For Help At All #at least with phone/computer we have One outlet for help with emergency services so that helps slightly #we worry a lot about. what would happen. if we had a medical emergency. and nobody knew bc i couldn't contact anyone #mostly. the fear of Something Bad happening and not being found until hours or days later #i like being awake during the day tho bc theres Way More Options for help #and like the fear of Not Being Found doesn't go away like. ever #but at least when people are awake and around its lessened a lot #the fear increases exponentially with each possible second added to the wait time #so knowing that it's just One hour until mom is home and can check on me is a lot better than Nobody's Awake For 5 More Hours #(and my mom is deaf too so i can't just like. scream for help to wake her up) #(not that i can physically scream at all anyway my voice just cannot handle that anymore)

[lastoneout]

I don't really know exactly why I'm posting this, I guess I just want to share my joy, but y'all...the nerve block worked. My migraine went down a little over the night so I was only at like a 1.5-2 but I swear to god the second they were done EVERY SINGLE PART of my head stopped hurting. The only pain I'm feeling rn is at the injection site and a smidge in my jaw, but that's not a huge deal bcs I know the steroids take a long time to do their thing and I usually have pain around the injection site when they do this in my back, plus I did already suspect something like 10% of my migraines aren't entirely due to my neck, but like...it worked. It fucking worked.

I've been living with chronic migraines my entire life, and in the last five years, they've gotten so bad that I can't work and have to cancel streams and hangouts with friends all the time. I have migraines more days than I don't and I've never been able to find out what my trigger is aside from not sleeping well and eating lays potato chips(rip I miss them so much) or gluten or being on my period?? and on some days I'm in so much pain I can't even feed myself or shower. 8-10 is the norm, they don't go lower on their own, they NEVER go away on their own, no matter how much time I spend lying in bed in the dark with icepacks on my face. My migraine rescue meds don't always work, or they work for a day and then it comes back, and I seem to be fucking Immune(tm) to Excedrin and ibuprofen. All that together has legit been ruining my entire life.

And I am not even a little ashamed to admit that once they were done and asked how I felt I broke down sobbing in the exam room because it WORKED. Instantly. Years of pain and agony and no help from my doctors, of blaming a medical condition that treatment hasn't fixed, telling me to limit screen time and lose weight, forcing me to try 50 different medications none of which help, of spending long nights in the ER hoping they can fix me even though it's typically a 50/50 chance....and now it's over. I don't have to do that anymore. They fixed it. They fixed it.

I'm crying right now as I write this. I never thought this was possible. Like I believed that it was my neck and my doctors agreed, but I was so worried that this would all be for nothing, I didn't think it would work, I know most disabled people dream of finding the One Thing that's causing all their problems even though most of us never do, but I guess luck decided to smile on me this day, this is what's causing my problems and it's treatable. It's over. I found the path out of this hell and it was the right one. I don't even know what to do, what to say. I'm so happy I can't even be happy, all I can do is cry because the hardest part is over.

There's still work to be done, but the path is clear. And honestly @ any gods that are listening, please grant this to my fellow disabled people. They deserve to feel this, we all do.

#personal #positive #medical stuff #cw medical stuff #ask to tag

[whumpshaped]

Okay okay okay

Re: whumpee and guns

Whumper is being investigated for some unrelated major crime

Agents storm his residence after staking it out

Imagine an armed agent barging in to see whumpee alone and absolutely miserable, hurt, hungry, and in rags

Agent is standing in disbelief (what the FUCK), gun held loose by his side as he stares at whumpee (We didn't know there was a PERSON HERE WHAT THE FUCK)

Whumpee crawls up to him

Looks at him with these doe eyes (bc that's what whumper likes)

And nuzzles the gun so its pointed directly into his forehead, execution style (please please please help me or kill me or both please I don't want to suffer anymore please please please)

@echo-goes-aaa hewwo c:

tw guns, pet whump, trauma, known whumpee, people in authority handling a bad situation very poorly

Whumpee didn't know what was going on downstairs. They knew Whumper had been on edge for the past week, but they had assumed it was just work related stress. Besides, they were never told much about real world issues. People issues. Those weren't for pets' innocent, empty brains.

They could hear people yelling and struggling, and they curled up a little tighter on the pet bed, inside the trusty cage. Nothing could hurt them inside, no matter how loud or scary it was. Except the bedroom door was bust down soon after, and several strangers in identical clothing stormed in and dragged them out of there.

There was more yelling. Someone told the people to stop and Whumpee was let go, allowed to stay kneeling on the floor, trembling in fear in front of these unknown clones of destruction.

Their new masters?

They glanced up at the one standing directly in front of them, keeping their expression pleasant and soft. They didn't miss the gun in their hand that was now hanging limply by their side. They looked shocked to have found them.

"There wasn't supposed to be another person here," they called to the rest of the team, but only got a couple shrugs in response. "We need to get them out of here. They need medical attention."

Oh. Oh, no. I can't. I can't keep doing this. You have a gun, use it.

Whumpee crawled closer, despite the trembling and the dread, nuzzling against the stranger's gun. They shifted in a way so that it was pointing straight at their head, whimpering quietly.

You just need to pull the trigger. I could maybe deal with new masters, but I can't go back out there. Not after all this. Not after my face has been all over the news. Please.

Their only hope for salvation and rest pulled away the gun abruptly, almost startled. "What are you doing?" they whispered, horrified, and Whumpee knew they wouldn't be granted freedom here. They kept their gaze on the floor and scooted back a little, resignation and shame flooding their entire body. "Someone get them out of here already! They're clearly not well!"

Whumpee wanted to scream, to tell them yes, they're broken, ruined, beyond saving. They wanted to plead until someone took pity on them, enough to put a bullet in their head. They just wanted it to end. They didn't want to be brought downstairs, past their captor, maybe shoved inside the same vehicle as them.

Strong hands grabbed them under the arms and pulled them up, helping them walk through the house they'd spent their last several years in. Whumper was nowhere to be found downstairs, nor outside in any of the cars. Whumpee could still hear their voice in the back of their mind, felt those piercing eyes on their way too exposed body.

Exposed. Exposed to the whole world. Isn't it great, Whumpee? You're famous! Their head was spinning, and they desperately tore themself out of the strangers' hold, attempting to run back into the house. They were tackled and yelled at, and they could only sob as they were finally loaded into one of the empty cars, told to wait.

They banged their head against the back of the driver's seat and wept.

~

@ashh-ed @whumpsday @whump-queen @dustbunnywhump

#did i do this justice #i dont think i did #im hoping the whumperflies stopped bc i reread this 100 times #idk #might come back and write smth better later #whump #whump drabble #guns #trauma #pet whump #known whumpee

[scary-monsters]

I genuinely don't know how much longer I can do this

I try to keep mental health shit off this blog as much as possible bc that's not what it's for, it's supposed to be a place to share the things I make and to support others that love the same characters as I do. But also I need to be human sometimes

I haven't been getting enough sleep, my body won't let me rest more than 6 hours a night because I'm constantly riddled with anxiety and the pressure to work work work, be productive, do things or else you're useless.

I don't eat nearly enough because I can't afford to buy groceries most weeks and rarely have time to cook on the days I work. Most of the time I eat one meal a day and that's only on my 30min break at work. My body doesn't even like to take anything more than that.

I haven't bought new clothes in at least 2 years, because I can't afford to and why would I when I never go anywhere except work? If I have a day off I don't have the energy to try and look nice, I throw on old jeans and a t-shirt. And it sucks because clothing has always been a passion of mine and I used to take so much pride in the way I present myself. I miss that part of me.

I'm miserable all the time, if I'm at work I'm only thinking about suicide. I cry all the time. Yes I go to therapy, yes I have a psychiatrist, yes I take medication for my disorder. But it feels like nothing helps anymore.

My therapist asked me two days ago what the barriers to my goals and happiness are and I didn't even hesitate when I answered "work". My job is draining me to a point that is scary for me, I feel trapped in it because no matter how many applications I do, I always get 'no's. The jobs I do have a good shot at pay significantly less than what I currently make, so I can't risk losing that pay. I live by myself, I pay for everything by myself. I don't have anyone else to lean on.

We recently had a loss in the family, and while I handled it pretty well it also brought up all the other loss I've experienced in my life, and there's been a lot. To a point where if my mom calls and says "I need to talk to you", I immediately assume someone else has passed. So all I can think about lately is all those people and all the missed opportunities I had with them.

I'm tired and I don't know what to do, I feel lost and I can't help looking at suicide as my only option to get out of how shitty everything feels all the time. I'm only happy when I'm making art or writing or talking to friends, but when I don't have the energy to do those things?? What then? I sit here and stare at a screen and cry and wish I could be anyone other than myself. I can't measure up, and I'm kinda tired of trying.

I had to call in today because I can't do it, I feel myself falling apart at the seams, I've been snapping at coworkers and having attitude with customers, that's not me, but I feel like I'm losing myself. But because I called in I've now lost a quarter of my paycheck for this week. Every single day I have to pick whether I'd prefer experiencing suicidal ideation for 10.5 hours at work or sitting at home and feeling lost/lonely and crying instead.

I've been pretty good at hiding it and masking this year but idk, I don't have the energy to do it anymore. I'm lost, y'all, I have no direction and I don't know when/if things are gonna get better for me

(also I don't need anyone telling me that I could use vacation money to fix some of these issues; vacations are how I escape, and I need to do that. Plus I always save up PTO/money specifically for them.)

#this is long please don't feel like you gotta read it #it's all mental health related and there's a little bit of food talk as well.. suicide too but please don't worry #tl;dr i'm tired and lost and scared i'm not gonna get better

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

listen... i miss gmw. gimme a lil something something bout the kids' college graduations?? maybe baby penny is sick all over Farkle's diploma and it's ruined for framing and Jennifer can't BELIEVE the AUDACITY of this infant CHILD and maybe joshaya are running late late late late bc whoops impromptu trip to denmark on smthg and the plane was delayed but FSCK WE GOTTA GRADUATE or something. idk. what i do know is that i love ur blog and riarkle, in that order xxxx

You sent this in like maybe a week or so ago and I’ve been ignoring it in fear of becoming Trash once more but I just realized that it’s Riley’s birthday and life is a nightmare so the Trash Is Unleashed™

Okay so Maya stayed in New York for college as we know, but Riley and Farkle fucked off away to some Ivy League out of state

You readers can put them wherever your pretty little hearts desire, I personally like the thought of them in Boston (and I feel like it’d be a nice little circle since Feeny’s from Boston let me live)

But anyway, they’ve stayed as close as ever!!! Time and distance have no power over them!!! We know this!!!

Like we’re talking facetiming, constant texting, a group chat with memes they can’t explain to anyone else, phone calls, they all know what’s up with each other constantly

For the record they are still in touch with Zay, Smackle and Lucas but it’s just like. not CONSTANT communication you know. Like they’re group chat still lives but it’s college + Riley and Farkle have a kid so they’re all busy

But anyway

So Riley’s got her astrophysics and journalism courses aced, Farkle’s fully set to go into politics, and Maya’s art major is done with.

And you know. Our fav ot3 has been together most of their lives. They graduated middle school and high school together and they couldn’t wait to see each other graduate college

But…they were blindsided

No one had ever suspected their colleges would have the audacity to schedule their graduations on the same day

Does Riley pull a Topanga and try to fight her schools dean??? Absolutely 

Does it work? Absolutely not

So now the ENTIRE family is stressed, because most of the Matthews consider Maya part of the family, so does Minkus, Shawn can’t see his goddaughter graduate and Josh is left with the delima of “Girlfriend vs Niece”. They’re all freaking out like holy shit

Riley and Maya are just….in Full Dramatics about this

We’re talking waxing Shakespearean sonnets about the Universe™ trying to tear them apart. They make their way back to all that Sun and the Moon symbolism bullshit

After a literal week of this Farkle is TIRED

Wakes up to his four year old telling him “Mommy’s wearing a lot of eyeliner and said the world is a dark and spiteful place that doesn’t want her and Auntie Maya together and that every moment they share is in blatant defiance of fate. What’s that mean?” and this poor guy is just like,,,,,,for fucks sake,

Like obviously he wants to see Maya graduate too!!! They’re best friends!!! But these girls are EXAHUSTING him lmao

So he has a Plan, but he also knows how his Plans usually go, so he just gives tf in and calls his dad to handle it lmao

Meanwhile: Joshua

Who has just been….literally screaming nonstop since this drama unfolded

Riley’s his BLOOD, even though they’re uncle-niece they have more of a close sibling relationship

But he literally has a ring ready and waiting for Maya!!! 

And the boy is a fucking Matthews so of course HE’S in dramatic throws about this predicament 

He calls Cory for advice and Cory is like “You’re going to Maya’s because you love her and I’m not paying for your fucking flight to Boston” lmao

So it ends up with like. Katy, Shawn, Turner, Josh (+ his four bandmates), and Zay (bc he’s in the city and Broke), and Ava end up going to Maya’s ceremony 

With Cory, Topanga, Stuart, Amy, Alan, Eric, Auggie, Smackle and Feeny going to Riley and Farkle’s ceremony

Jack couldn’t get off work and Doesn’t Super Care and Morgan’s in Europe for work so they’re unfortunately off the list

They forgot to invite  Lucas didnt want anymore choosing between the girls bullshit couldn’t make the trip because of work lol

So anyway: Farkle’s Plan that was funded by Stuart? 

Absolutely got remote controlled robots so they could keep up a video call for both ceremonies 

You know damn well what I mean

Cory thinks this is absolutely the funniest fucking thing he’s ever heard of

Eric thinks this is a sign of the impending Robot Wars™

The girls are still massively upset and think Farkle’s a fucking dork but they’re very touched and love him yadayada so this calms them down a bit

But anyway like, we get to the big graduation day and like….disasters, disasters all around

Josh’s Stoner Friend™ keeps knocking into the damn robot and almost breaks it like thirty times in an hour

Eric is giving the robot at Riley and Farkle’s site a wide berth with suspicious eyes

Auggie, Cory and Penny are all suspiciously sick but are trying to power through the ceremony 

All the other students and people attending these graduations…..you know these whackjobs are getting looks. Some assholes in the crowd keep throwing stuff at the robots

Shawn and Katy are making a HUGE SCENE crying hysterically we all know they would

Jennifer makes a surprise, dramatic appearance at Farkle’s graduation

We’re talking pulling up in a limo, emerging in slow motion, wearing a glittering black evening gown, elbow length black satin gloves, stilettos and a huge hat with peacock feathers on it, making a show of searching the crowds before spotting him (standing directly in front of her) before throwing out her arms and screeching “My baby-!”

Farkle’s like ‘We literally have not spoken in at least six years will you please get the fuck out of here’

She does not, in fact, get the fuck out of there so Topanga is now on duty to make sure she and Stuart don’t get into a fight and ruin this for the kids asdfgj

Feeny keeps fucking falling asleep bc he’s old and doesn’t care about the guest speakers but he SNORES WORRINGLY LOUDLY

Students aren’t technically allowed to have devices™ out during the ceremonies so Riley and Farkle and Maya are trying so hard to be discrete as the watch the feed from each other’s graduations 

They literally end up paying more attention to each other’s graduations than their own lmao

Josh’s bandmates and Zay are all being the rowdiest fucking audience members possible like they’re all those assholes that bring noise makers and scream and clap at random intervals

Stuart and Jen keep shooting each other withering glares and trading insults as Topanga shushes them

Penny, Auggie, and Cory are just feeling more and more like Literal Death the longer this drags on 

Maya finally goes up to get her diploma and Katy literally faints

Riley and Farkle start cheering bc yay Maya!!! Until they remember they’re at their own ceremony and there is LITERALLY A SPEECH HAPPENING SO THEY’RE SCREAMING INTO THE QUIET AND INTERRUPTING EVERYTHING

Get glared back into submission but Maya’s laughing at them 

Maya’s graduation ends soonish after that but the other one is DRAGGING ON STILL so everyone is like crowed around trying to watch on Maya’s tiny screen lol

When the speech finally ends Smackle’s muttering about how everything said was factually incorrect 

Stuart and Jen are still antagonizing each other

Amy and Alan are taking enough pictures to blind people with the flash

So Riley gets called up for her diploma first right

Trips

Hard enough to fall off the fucking stage

Had to be helped back up by memebers of the band

Gets back on stage and gets her diploma

Falls again coming down

Amy and Topanga are s c re a m i ng and Maya is literally crying from the effort it takes to not laugh

Jen’s making obnoxious comments about who her son was ‘trapped’ by and Penny wants to know what that means and Stuart is prepared to stab Jen if she bothers to answer

Riley’s literally off to the side getting looked at by a medic when Farkle goes up for his diploma

He gets it fine enough but coming downstage he’s overcome with the urge to do ‘thank you I am farkle’

he didn’t realize the student that was called up after him was right behind him

punches this kid in the face, he falls

the person behind them falls

a fcucking domino effect of ivy league graduates 

Eric is literally crying from laughter watching this. So are his fucking bodyguards like they broke character bc this scene was Too Much

Feeny is back to snoring

The New York crowd is loosing their fucking minds

Farkle’s rushing back to his seat and Jen stands up to get his attention to Yell at him for being embarrassing and

Penny just fucking projectile vomits all over her

She’s SCREAMING

Cory opens his mouth to apologize and explain that she’s been sick and HE PUKES. WHICH SETS AUGGIE OFF

EVERYONES SCREAMING 

Listen it was a huge crowd but three people projectile vomiting is gonna cause a STIR

People are rushing away and it’s a whole mess of a scene

The nyc crowd is Alive watching this all unfold 

Eventually the ceremony ends and Riley and Farkle lowkey lock theirselves in their apartment for the rest of the night

Everyone thinks they’re just embarrassed but they’re fucking cracking up hysterically like it took two hours to give Penny a bath because they couldn’t catch their breath

At some point they settle down a bit and call Maya and the three of them spend the rest of their night drowning in nostalgia 

This is messy as fuck but I’m out of practice anyway

^ me when I think about gmw these days

#gmw #riarkle #maya hart #riley matthews #farkle minkus #asks #molly mumbles #this is So Bad I'm sorry #I had to rush it #bc food #but hope someone enjoyed #lol

[noblueskies]

I just need to know

Last Friday 22/11/19 I got my nerves tested because the MRI was clear and my feet are apparently perfect. They stuck electrodes on my leg and feet and took readings he also stuck a needle into my muscle on my arch so that should hopefully give the surgeon enough to determine whether it is tarsal tunnel or not. I just need to know what it is I need to find out BC it's driving me crazy the meds are fucking me up and my feet are just hurting more and more. I slept for 14 hours in total last night (24-25/11/19) which is impressive but I know it is the medication. Although here I am rambling at 1AM (26/11/19) and it's just taking a toll on me. I'm not in the mood for anything anymore. That's a lie I am for somethings but I just feel more useless than ever. I can't do anything. I've started to play a bit of guitar again although I can only concentrate for 15 mins ish and schoolwork I just can't do. I've missed most of mock exams it finished Friday I think and I'll have missed them all. People say focus on getting better then on school work and catching up but it's not that simple school will determine what happens in the rest of my life especially these exams at the end of the academic year.

I like this song. Partly BC I can play it and on the other half it shows how much you value things despite deciding to cut them out. TW :This is cutting for me. I miss it so much and I miss controlling the pain I feel. Now I'm in a stable relationship feelings about others aren't the problem it's the way the pain messes with my brain. I just feel like I deserve it idk why. But I want to get a release to stop feeling like noone else understands me. They don't understand me or what I'm going through and idgaf if they say it could be so much worse be grateful for me this is the worst u can't walk I can't go to school I feel pain which is intolerable even when I'm not standing and I'm having to drug myself up with things that make me constipated and shattered just to help alleviate that pain. I've gone from being sporty to being in a wheelchair. So don't say it could be worse because that makes me feel worse; it makes me feel more insignificant and like my problems aren't valid. And at this point I'm beginning to believe they aren't. The only reason I'm not cutting is if someone finds out and I'm starting not to care about that which worries me but I can't tell my parents again. It "got fully better" it got better but I didn't feel like it got fully better. I still get suicidal, I just hide it better now. I've still got the scars. I've still got the memories of planning it. I'm far from perfect. I waste my parents money on private appointments and even though they can afford it and it helps it get better so much faster I cannot help but feel like it's a waste. It could be free on the NHS but it would take months. In a couple of months I've had two consultations two MRIs and nerve testing. This wouldn't be the case with the NHS but it still feels bad that they've spent this much money on me.

I should just get over it. I should "man up" and I fucking hate that phrase but I need to get over it BC it's hurting everyone around me so much and it's my fault. I hate doing this BC it feels like I'm an attention seeker but I don't want to depress anyone by properly talking to someone about it and they'd take me off of the amytriptline which I think is helping/ doing something and I can't have that. They'll think it's a coincidence and that it caused me to start feeling worse but it isn't it's been going on for a longer period of time and I can't have the time it's taken to build it up in my system be reduced BC I'm fucking having suicidal thoughts sure I've had tendencies but I'm not feeling more pain that'll just make it work. I just need to keep it inside my head but I also just want someone to talk to about it. I can't talk to t BC she'll get annoyed and leave me BC I'm depressing like p did and I can't tell t or p or d BC it's unfair when they're already struggling and I can't honestly talk to my family about it. I want to cut and idk how long I'll last before I do again. I just want my feet to get unfucked asap.

#pain #help #suicidal #suicidal thoughts #cutting #tw #why wont my fucking pain stip #its unbearable #i just want to be happy #i need to know #what's the point