#i feel shitty physicaly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

maria-ruta · 9 months

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How's Argentina- you and your family doing alright? and what's the best food you've had there?

oooooh Argentina es muy buena y hermosa jajaja

But srsly, I like it here! People overal are more kind and friendly and willing to help! Lot's of very good and well made public spaces where you can hang out and chill - I enjoy that! (in russia its something almost nonexistent)

Something is always blooming here, all year around! Lots of beautiful fancy trees and plants and also lots of birds, parrots and giant butterflies (for a person who used to live in a cold country it seems like im in paradise garden all the time hahaha)

Me and my family are doing good, thank you! We are strugling with money most of the time, but we have enough to live modestly (my commissions are opened btw lol) My brother gets lots of help from local hospitals, schools, migration center and etc - thats very good

ABOUT FOOD - to be fair everything is sooooo tasty here! I mean... the general food quality is just better than in Russia, but its mostly bc Argentina has lot of warm areas where anything can grow and does it all year around, so all the fruits and vegitables are more tasty and fresh and cheeper than in russia, meat and milk products are also good and fresh bc cows can eat green grass all year around... it's just simple as that

BUT!!! I gotta say that I absolutelly love empanadas, they are great! They are similar to russian pirozhki but still a little different

Medialunas are also nice and I think I like them more than croissants that they evolved from lol

I also really liked Peruanian kitchen from local Peruanian restorant, I gotta find out what are those salad salsas made of so i can make them myself!

ALSO ALSO just the fact that avocados just grow here??? drives me INSANE! I love avocados soooooo much!!! they are called paltas here

I love making guacamole or just put palta on bread with salt or just eat palta with whatever food I have cooked at the moment (like rice or whatever)

I do miss enormous amount of russian sour milk products tho... ряженка, сметанка my sweet darlings... ;u;

The thing is that Argentina just doesn't have same bacterias that spoil milk in Russia, so... most of those products not only nonexistent here but imposible to make, if you don't have this specific bacteria plantation BUT my mom has kefir bacteria so we are able to make our own kefir at least!

Also sushi here are expensive and they are like Faaancy food for rich bitches, while in Russia they were more like regular fastfood alongside with pizza XD but I at least treated myself with some sushi on my birthday bc I love them so

anyway THANK YOU FOR THE ASK I hope you'll have fun reeding all that rumbling haha

#me #ask #asks #Argentina #Argentina is nice imo #I cant comment on pizza tho bc i realized that i dont want to eat pizza anymore... its too fat for me #i feel shitty physicaly #EVERY time after i eat pizza #so i just... dont eat it anymore #but ppl say pizza is good here

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theygender · 4 years

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Y'all if this pandemic ever ends I s2h the first thing I'm gonna do is go get a fucking massage. I don't think I have ever been so tense in my LIFE it's like every single muscle in my back, shoulders, and neck has congealed into one single gigantic knot

#not to mention the fact that my spine pops like a whole sheet of bubble wrap every time i move #constant stress + sitting at a tiny shitty desk for 10 hours a day has not been good for my physicaly health #plus human interaction would probably be good for me after having only one person to interact with for however many months #(even if i would feel awakward)#ive always wanted to get a massage but i never did before bc theyre so expensive #but on god if this pandemic ever ends i am going to TREAT MYSELF #rambling

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besnouted · 6 years

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eeuuuh trying to find productive things to do when dissociating out of my fuckening mind

#i want to clean room but i feel too physicaly shitty on top of this #so im stuck

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futurewriter2000 · 3 years

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Thank you so much! Of course it was helpful. I actually worked out and had a healthy lifestyle about 3 years ago but i gained a lot of weight in these last 3 years and i have a very bad lifestyle where i dont move my body at all and eat shitty food so i decided to change that. I am glad i wrote to you tho cause believe me when i say that you really gave me incredible infos!

Omg... I have lot more that I probably forgot about but its okay to get lost a lil. I lost a lot of weight too before I started togain it back when i started to constantly work. But I quit my job just necause it was so time consuming and depressing me.

The best thing you did was choose to do something about it and go back on the healthy lifestyle. That is like the biggest, best step in your life. I still remember the time I decided.

But like... Idk... Nobody tells you how much it helps you. Yes, physicaly it helped me enormously but mentally, I had never been in a more clearer mindset than after I start working out. Nobody tells you about the great feeling after, that's why I always encourage people to do whats best for them.

I would love for you to keep me updated on your journey but its okay if youre not comfortable with it. I know I tried like 3 times before I really grabbed the idea and fullfill it till the end.

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inarticulate-screaming · 3 years

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I'm so fucking angry about this

Uhh mentions of self harm and suicide just as warning i guess?? Cant put on read more bc my mobile app is shit

So blah blah I almost died just over 8 years ago when I accidentally slice through my wrist w a Stanley knife

I dont mind occasional jokes- in fact I make them sometimes myself

But I'm not a huge fan of these jokes being made when I'm cooking bc hey I've been cooking since I was like 4 so around 18 years now... much more a part of me than my wrist injury

I usually get over any little jokes bc one offs and they're usually not too shitty just make me feel kinda crappy

Today my mother made 2 jokes about me not being safe around sharp things - one specifically to do w a Stanley knife so like 🙄 okay fine it was a one off

Until after dinner I was holding a kitchen knife bc I was cutting up some bday cake and she was like "oh no watch out shes got a knife! Oh and shes waving it around!!"

I told her that the joke hurt me and to fuck off okay and went to the other room bc I was Pissed Off

Heard her make a snide comment of "okay well I wont say anything then and if she makes any jokes about it then I'll remind her of this convo"

I told her to piss off again

Later spoke to her to try and explain why it makes me feel like absolute shit and she just kept going 'I understand I wont make anymore" and wouldnt fucking listen to me when I said I dont mind occasional jokes but it's just constant and how it feels like the biggest fucking mistake of my life is now my defining feature

Especially because shes the only one who knows I was self harming that night

Especially because I cook a lot (I've made every fucking meal for the last 3 months for the whole family because my dad has been ill and she knows this) and I havent fucking cut myself in anyway whilst cooking for literal years whereas dad cut himself on something recently and oh no jokes are ever made about that

Like why am I defined by my fuck up

And she just wasnt getting it and I dont want it to be some huge hang up but she said "I didnt realise you were so sensitive about it" and that really fucked me off bc I'm not "so sensitive" about it - I just dont like people constantly taking the piss out of me almost dying and forever destroying my wrist

I'm just so tired of that shit and like I was helping my niece w some homework and had to cut something w some scissors and she was like "oh nanny said /you/ need to be very careful with those" and some other stuff and it's like... the fucking 8 year old is taking the piss out of me because of these jokes and she was only 8 days old when I did this shit so it's not like she knew

I'm just tired of it

I have days where I physicaly cant look at my hand without feeling sick

I have fucking flashbacks to seeing the inside of my wrist

I cant use it most days

I havent got feeling in half my hand

I know how badly I fucked up

I dont need a constant commentary on it

#personal #long post #long #rant #vent #to delete #just ignore me #suicide #self harm

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queen-vlien · 4 years

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I just got done reading an article about how people that swear off relationships altogether aren't living life to it's full potential, were not meant to live life gaurded, and shutting your feelings down doesn't help you to grow, you can't possibly live that way forever, etc.

I'm here to disagree with that. I don't believe in 'soul mates' necessarily, but I had a person that was physicaly everything I wanted, he shared every interest that I had, I couldnt have created someone more aligned with who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. Obviously were weren't soul mates. That became obvious after he started mistreating me. He clearly never loved me, and I accepted that. He wanted someone else. And no matter what I did, the feelings I had werent mutual. That's just apart of life.

After loving someone and doing what I did, I was left feeling like "that was it. You only get one. That was my white whale. Oh well." And now that it's almost been a year since I left that relationship, I came to terms that I would be alone for the rest of my life. He even tried to convince me someone else would come into my life and we would be happy together, but I just don't believe that there could possibly be another person that has every interest in common with me, loves me physically and emotionally, and would also never betray my trust. That person just doesnt exist. Not even in 7 billion people. It's just not possible.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever be with someone that treats me like shit. That isnt me being cynical. Thats me being honest. You can find anyone to be in a relationship with, but there will never be someone out there thats perfect for you. So why even keep looking, and risk getting hurt again? Who is stupid enough to decide that another person that actually isnt anything special, is worth getting in a relationship with and letting them fuck around behind your back? Really?

Just don't do it. Just have the descipline not to get into a relationship. This planet would be so much better off without as many couples. The people that just so happen to find a perfect relationship should stay together but if your not in a healthy relationship than just leave. Just be alone. Being alone is not isolating. It's not lonely. It's fun.

I hope there comes a day when I don't even think about it any more. I am a little bitter about being condemned to such a shitty life. But again, I'll eventually accept that. Not everyone gets to be happy.

#relationships #aromantic #aro #alone #blog post #2.27.20 #personal

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angelicvomit · 2 years

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Holy shit girl you're moms insane. Get moved out asap and get therapy asap too and sry you gotta deal with that :(

after years she's something i'm used to deal with. 'used' cus it's still makes me upset how she acts towards me but i don't think it has any impact on me anymore. ( i feel it can't get worse than this, fr. ) i want to move out but trying to get a job would be hard af for me since i don't have any higher education nor any other skills than drawing. (i could do things like cleaning or working in shops but both would test my health, both physical and mental since with my fucked up spine i'm unable to do a lot things that expect you to put your strenght in it and working in shop would mean that i have either to talk to costumers or work physicaly. ) i tried to get jobs like filling sheets (shitty pay but it's always something) but most of the time they were uninterested with my help or they simply didn't reply so i gave up. i have one older friend (my fp) who's working and living with her mom and she shows her willinges about giving me a place to stay after she renovate the room (which isn't sure when will happen since it costs a lot of money and she has a average pay ) and she told me that they don't need a lot of stuff so i could just focus on commissions while i'm there. she's very sweet but i'm still worried about living with people i care about... just scared they will end up hating me. thank you so much for the words of concern, sweet, sweet anon! i appraciate it ♥ i hope i'll be able to change my situation, sooner or later

#anon #ask

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icharchivist · 6 years

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eh okay so it's gonna get extremely personal despite it looking like i'm rambling about a game, and there's.... mentions of how bad my mental health had gone, so s.elf h.arm and such, so. ye. Fair warning.

I've been crying for five minutes (edit: it had been 5 mins when I started writting this post, now it's been half a hour, fml) over Sera's "Do everything for everyone, get sick. Not right." when she comments on the inquisitor's hand getting worse in worse and how she's worried for her and how she needs to make everyone know how great the inquisitor is.

Like istg d/ai may be the da game with the least interesting /plot/ but the companions had hit such cords with me and that fucking line. That. Fucking line. I started playing Da when I was having a very bad mental health episode. Like, I was seriously being miserable when I started d/ao.

Things... hadn't calmed down, but DA gave me a real distraction from everything. Mental breakdowns happen less often. I have less episodes. When they happen they are truly bad, but it's not as often as it was before.

Playing those games gave me a sense of purpose and made me want to wake up in the morning and do stuff. And put myself a goal. That hadn't happened to me in ways too long. Which is kinda why i fell this deeply into da and how much I want to cherish it no matter what, that i don't want to let negative stuff ruin that.

Lately..... no in general, over the course of this last year, reflecting on my mental health - the main point I keep thinking over and over again is how much I basically wasted my whole life taking care of people around me, and how those very people pushed me to my limits to the point of breaking.

I don't know when my d/epression really started - my therapist told me i had symptoms since i'm 7 because of some occurances that happened to me, I can pinpoint my 13th yo as probably the biggest point I couldn't ignore it anymore since it's when I started self harming to cope with all this frustration I had inside me. But up until my 19yo, I tried. I was thinking that no matter what I wanted to be stronger than this, to overcome this. And help as much as I could meanwhile.

It's not like I could ignore the problems around me, I had to fix my parents's mess, my parents's mental health, I had to fix everything, and I had very few friends before high school, and I was always doing emotional labor for everyone I met. Before meeting my High school friends, it's not like i could rely on anyone - and it took me years to rely on my high school friends, after years of being close to them. And even know, I don't rely on anyone I trust as much as I could. as I should.

Then I had that major mental breakdown. The Infamous one lmao. Too many things accumulating at once. Before I turned 18, all I was thinking was "at least live until you pass your diploma", and once it was done I realized I spent my whole life fixing so much shit I hadn't projected myself further. I've been terrified ever since. That mental breakdown happened while i was having this crisis, and my studies, my father and some friends pushed my limits further, and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore.

Ever since that, I had felt like a failure. Like I couldn't even act properly, I couldn't even be a proper person. That no matter what I do, I can't even stand the pressure.

I got physical sickness out of my shitty mental health. Eczema, one of those instance that turned into a deadly sickness that I hadn't treated correctly because I was busy fixing others stuff- still now I have that fucking eczema on my hand I can't seem to get rid off, for years now. Because of stress, my stomach is barely functionable. I had a lot of panic attacks, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and s/uicidal idealization, big zoning out episodes that had put me in danger (multiple time I was.. coming back from school, and I just. zoned out in the middle of the street and I almost got ran over by a car. Very close. And it was shaking me back into reality and i was breaking down crying at the corner of the street. It happened about 3 times a day which was one of the reasons i dropped school since i was having panic attacks in class and those stuff happening when out of class).

And I felt like a failure. So damn much. That everything i've done, everything i've tried to do to help the world get better around me wasn't enough. That I wasn't strong enough.

I'm taking medications that almost completely negated the nightly panic attacks at least, most of them anyway - which makes that when they happen, they are a hundred times worse than before. My spiral downs are even worse because I try to balance it out.

And I felt terrible for years. Recovery scares me because at this point I don't know what to "recover".

And....... This past few months i've been thinking. A lot. Instead of feeling like a failure, what I end up thinking now is that it's the world around me that failed me. I've done everything for everyone. I was 7, my sister ran away from home, and I was the one trying to hold the family together, being there for my mother, being there for my other sister who was closing of to me, defending them against my father's mean comments about it, while i was being bullied at school. And no one was there for me. I was 13 when my parents divorced, and I was there for my mother, who was lamenting, in her worst mental state, while my father was planning to strip her from everything, ruining her reputation, and I was managing it so he wouldn't be ruining her life, all while my sister blissfully ignored all of it and decided to cut ties with us for over a year - while i was bullied in classes, and had to move out, adapting to a new environment when i was bullied again, in a step family that was snarky, always degrading. And No one was there for me.

I was almost 15 when I got that fucking deadly disease spreading over my chest. Took months to be able to talk it out to one of my parents, for one of them to care. a fucking disease born out of stress, because I was managing another moving out, because I was adapting to a new school where, news flash, I was bullied, while my mom was always lamenting, asking me to do everything for her, while i was fighting another trial my father planned for us, aptemping to make our lives even more difficult, degrading us, while my sister was still blissfully ignoring us despite the fact we were in contact again. I got yelled at by the doctor because I was close to be hospitalized because of how much I neglected my own physicaly health. And all I was thinking was that I couldn't just stop because of that.

I was 17 when I ended up in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship who changed me for the worst, pushed me to isolation, and had me lost everything i had built before that, along with part of myself. And I was alone. Couldn't speak to it to my family bc they acted extremely homophobic at the idea i was in relationship with a girl, the couple of friends i had back then were too hurt by my actions that they never talked to me again, and my ex was blackmailing me all the time. And I had to get out of it alone.

And it goes on and on and on and on. I can't remember a time i wasn't actively struggling with keeping everything around me from falling apart.

And at this point, i'm so angry. Those last few months, i've felt so angry, and frustrated. I've done everything, for everyone, all my life, and it ruined me mentally and physically. And I don't even know why I should want to carry on. what I should want to live now.

I feel like I lost about 20 years of my life trying to keep everything from falling apart to the point I barely know how to keep myself together now. That I can't project myself, that I can't see further than my own private bubble. And i'm too tired to try to fix things again. Even if it's fixing myself. I'm just tired.

For months I've been frustrated now. I guess i still consider myself a bit of a failure, but I end up thinking it's everyone around me who failed me. Everyone who should have been there when I needed, who should have let me be someone. And now I'm asked to find my path, to do my studies, find a job, and i'm terrified.

"Do everything for everyone, get sick. not right."

This had been the center of all my frustrations those past few months and i'm actually still crying right now, what the fuck. Y'know, funnily enough, that's also why I hadn't forgiven BW's "you make saving the world look easy. the rest of us can only dream of matching what you've done" - because if there's anything i've managed to do with Laena as a character, is making a balance of showing she feels like she's falling apart, but will try to be cheerful so people don't suspect she's terrified of having to handle everything. This is probably the most personal thing I managed to ever put in a character, the game allowed me to create this balance that is extremely personal to me. So when he said that, i took it personally. Because if anything, I never let anyone see how I was falling apart. I would crack a joke and cheer someone up.

And I think about it because I remember I've been so upset at this one line, that it made me actually cry the first time i heard it.

And now it's Sera's. "Do everything for everyone, get sick. not right.". It had to hit right where it hurt. Right where it was too personal.

honestly d/ai is.... so flawed, but the companions had been such a strength to me, and I mentioned once that seeing them playing Wicked Grace had me cry because it looks like how we play games with my friends. My close friends. Those I took years to be able to rely on, and that are now probably my only driving force. Even if i don't rely on them as much as I should, as they tell me to. So also the fact Sera adds a bit later "i will make them know she had- has friends" i'm just.

Damn i didn't think i'd be crying for 30 minutes over pre-written letters in a game that hit right the cord. They got to hit the most personal part of myself in a few lines.

I don't even know how bad this dlc will get, but man. Nothing will top that.

God i have such a violent headache after crying this much istg. gdi Sera.

#ichapersonal #tmw a character line make you cry for half a hour thinking about your life #ma n that's intense

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pinkiespurpleflower · 6 years

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Got nowhere else to put this and I need to vent so I'm putting it here

I'm really tempted to kill myself tonight. And no, I swear to god I'm not saying it for attention, if I were I'd be putting it on my main blog. I'm just typing this because I'm hoping venting will make me feel better, and if it doesnt, well, at least people will know why I did it. Over the past year I have done nothing but fail and fail over amd over again. There are so meny things at the beginning of 2017 that I thought I'd have done by now, so meny small goals that were necessary for me to achieve but I haven't. I've watested a crucially important year of my life and there's nothing I can do to undo it or bring it back. I've failed at school. I'm about to fail all but one of my classes and I've already been droped from one for lack of attendance, one I failed last semester. They were easy fucking classes. Classes I could have passed with very little effort, I know I could have aced them so easy yet I failed. Why? I refused to buy the book becuse it was 200$ and I said I didnt have the money, then I procided to sepnd hunderds of dollors THAT I NEEDED TO SAVE At conventions. I could have fucking taken medication for my add and autism yet I didn't and I honestly dont know if it's becuase of my pride or because of pure lazyness. But both of those have just gotten infinatly worse than it was in highschool and I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR IT! I LOKK AND ACT LIKE A LITERAL FUCKING RETARD AND I CANT REMBER THINGS THAT HAPPENED LITERALLY 2 MINUTES AGO! Its sicking. I'm an annoyance and a burden to everyone around me. I'm an embarrassment to what few friends I have. I fucking broke my computer and my glasses twice and my fucking bed from just having random uncontrollable urges to smack my face and sometimes entire body on my bed over and over again. And when I tell people they just fucking laugh. Speaking of the computer I could have goyen it fixed by now but I haven't becuse I'm too incopadent to know how to mail it off and I'm afraid to ask for help. The warranty may have expired for all I know. And another thing. Theres a docters appointment that I really needed to make, for somthing that has been an on going issue for a long time but low and be hold I cant fucking do that either. It hurts to just bring myself to try, like, idk how to describe it but its like when I do I'm feeling mental pain so stong it feels physicaly. Oh and I can't tell you how much of a nessestiy it has been for me to get a license. Like my dad made it so easy for me, he boght me a car and a book. And riding the bus all the time is fucking hard and fucking stessful. My mom used to give me rides but shes been bailing on me more and more. YET I STILL CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO IT. It's like there's a voice in my head screaming at me to get it done but is terrifed I'll get it wrong so I just put it off longer and dont do it at all. I'm a failer to my sisters. I never get to see them, I didnt get to come ro there 16th bithday. I was a shitty big sister growing up and now I'm barely even a part of their lives. I'm a failer to my father. Every time he says to me "i love you" or "I'm proud of you" I feel like absote shit because I know I dont deserve it. He doesnt know how horribly I've failed. I'm failing at work too. So meny of my coworkers don't like me, I was called into the office recently for underperforming and this happed alot at my old store, I know for a fact that if I hadn't tranfesd when I did I would have been fired. I'm a failure at love. Both the peoples I was in super deep relationships with, like I thought I was gonna marry ended up crazy and suicidal by the end and I really feel like that was from me fucking them up and being manipulative. I guess this all would be excusable if I was a good person but I'm not that either. I'm a horribly shitty person. I feel no empathy for others in mental pain, in fact I somtimes get a sadistic enjoyment of it. I'm discuseted with muself that I'm suicidal because suicidal people make me disgusted. I guess there are a few reasons to live that I've been clinging on to. Shitty reasons, but they are there. It should be for my friends and familey, but it's stuff like I want to see mlp season 8 and I want to see how Trump will play out. I'm a bad friend. I can't even feel happy for my friend getting a free ride to collge. I should but I don't want her to be away from me and I'm jellous of the money. It's sick. I'm a sick person. I have another friend too, hes online, but I feel like he only sticks around when I say nice things about him, and I just leach off of him for frindship because I'm so fucking loney. I think I'm gonna take all those pills I was suposed to be taking over the past year all at once. It will be a statement to all the things I should have done but didn't. It will be my punishment I think. At least I'll get to die befor things get as bad as I know they are going to. It sucks I'm going to die eather on or right befor my birthday Ah fuck. Idk what I'm going to do. Mabye I'm too much of a cowrd. I dont know anymore Ill miss my dad. And my mom. And my sisters. And my dog. And my friends Kat and Daniel. I love you all.

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