#i had this idea since ana said it's your mess now in eddie's kitchen

[canonicallyobserving911]

Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #9

Is it possible the CANON references to Eddie’s heart started before season 4? Heart Reference #9

There were many references to Eddie’s heart included at the end of season 4 and they continued throughout season 5.  But what if the references began during season 2 and continued through season 5? Let’s review the ninth reference to Eddie’s heart which included him finally making a decision for himself to follow his heart by breaking up with his girlfriend.

5x3 “Desperate Measures”

The blackout ended and the 118 started preparing to go home to their families.  When Eddie came out of the showers, Buck asked him if Christopher knew he was coming and Eddie said “Not yet. I haven’t figured out what I’m going to say when I get home...To Ana”.  Then he walked away while Buck looked at him with a surprised and interested look on his face.  When Buck arrived at his loft, Taylor wasn’t there so he went upstairs and plopped on his bed, turned on the TV and that’s where he saw Taylor.  She was working and he then said, “Hi honey, I’m home”.

When Eddie made it home, he sat at the table with Ana and Christopher and watched them while they were eating the muffins Ana had baked.  She talked about how she never realized that canned fruit was not as bad as she had originally thought.  Then she passed her fork, which had a berry on it, to Christopher so that he could try it and Eddie watched her do it.  His facial expression changed from a smile to a grimace.  Eddie then told her she didn’t have to do all of that cooking but Christopher said, “Let’s make brownies next” and she laughed then responded, “You know I think we need to clean that kitchen first”.  Eddie looked pained and then he said, “Maybe you should go home first”.  Ana looked shocked but Eddie continued, “I mean you’ve been stuck here for days. I’m sure you want to get back to your own place and have some time for yourself”. Ana responded with, “Yeah. Right, yeah.”  She explained how she wanted to clean up the disaster in the kitchen first and then she got up from the table.  She went into the kitchen and Eddie followed her but when she started to clean up, he told her not to worry about it.  She explained that since he had been working for several days straight, he shouldn’t have had to come home to a messy kitchen.  He closed the door so that Christopher wouldn’t hear their conversation and she started rambling about the dishwasher working and how she missed the air conditioner. Eddie then said, “Ana. Ana. Stop! We need to talk” and she replied, “Those four words.”  He suggested they sit down and that’s when she got angry and started telling him how he was fine and that he wasn’t going to panic because his heart rate was ok.  He said, “What do you mean?” and she said, “You know what I mean. I don’t want you to panic when you think about me. Or when you think about having a future with me. I can’t…I can’t take that”.  He explained how he thought it would work because of the idea of them and then after he said, “Christopher loves you so much. I just thought…” and she responded with “That, eventually you would too”.  He said, “I should have said something sooner” and she replied, “Yeah. You probably should have. Well, I’m sorry about the mess, but I guess it’s your mess now”. Then he said, “Right, yeah I guess it is”.   She started to cry and told him that he was an amazing father and explained how she was going to go say goodbye to Christopher.  Then she rubbed her hand up and down his arm and said, “Adios Edmundo” and then she kissed him next to his mouth.  She exited the kitchen but Eddie remained in the kitchen with his back against the refrigerator.            

Parallels

Eddie went home vs. Buck went to a place he hasn’t considered to be his home for years

Eddie went home to the “ready-made family” he never intended to build so that he could breakup with his girlfriend.  It was his first step towards following his heart (Buck).   Buck didn’t have a family to go home to like the rest of the 118 did because he was still in a relationship with Taylor.  Since he’s been a part of the family Eddie chose for years, he couldn’t go to the place he considered to be his home since they both had messes to clean up before they could start a relationship (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Buck said, “This is Eddie’s house, I’m not really a guest” for information on how Buck thinks of Eddie’s house as his home).

Eddie starts to follow his heart

Eddie’s decision to finally end his relationship with Ana was his first step towards following his heart.  Him breaking up with her was important because he made the decision on his own without anyone interfering.  While it’s true that Buck told him he should end things with her since Eddie wasn’t all in, the decision to breakup was Eddie’s and that was after he told Buck he was planning to stick it out with her (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Breakups-Eddie & Ana vs. Buck & Taylor” for more information on Eddie’s first time breaking up with someone). Eddie spent years trying to do what other people told him he should do to build a perfect family but if he had continued to follow their advice, he would have built the type of family they believed he should have instead of the one he wanted (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie:  Women pursued Buck, while Eddie was pushed towards women” for more information on the conversations Eddie had regarding him having a relationship with Ana).  He wants the family he chose and built with Buck but before he could bring his family back together, he had to end things with Ana first.

Ana suspected that Eddie was going to breakup with her when she showed up at the firehouse unannounced and uninvited; therefore their breakup was not a surprise.  He was still unsure about his decision to end things with her until she tried to feed Christopher like he was a baby bird by handing him her fork with a berry on it.  That’s what upset him and his facial expression showed it.  He made the decision to end it right then because the idea of her being there with him and Christopher had just made him uncomfortable.

Eddie has always kept a protective wall around Christopher and he was hesitant in 2x2 “7.1” to tell Buck that he had a son but Buck got past Eddie’s wall of protection when he stepped in as a co-parent.  Before Eddie started dating Ana, Buck was the only person to get behind that wall and he brought Carla with him when he introduced her to Eddie.  When Shannon returned, it took Eddie several weeks before he allowed her to see Christopher and she was his mother. Therefore Buck and Carla are the only two people who aren’t related to him that he trusts with Christopher.  He was never uncomfortable when he left Christopher with Buck and he told him there was no one else in the world he trusted with Christopher more than him.  Eddie said that after Christopher and Buck had been separated during the Tsunami when he took Christopher back to Buck’s loft.

After Eddie said, “Maybe you should go home first”, the look on her face showed how she knew exactly what was about to happen.  Then when he continued with, “I mean you’ve been stuck here for days. I’m sure you want to get back to your own place and have some time for yourself”, his comment was a parallel for their relationship.  Eddie was telling her that she had been stuck in a relationship with him for a long time expecting for things to move forward with them but that wasn’t what he wanted.  Even though she wanted to introduce him to her family, he panicked at the thought of it especially when Buck told him in 5x1 “Panic” “So, it’s pretty serious then.” Eddie replied with, “I don’t know what you mean”.  Then Buck said, “Well you’re meeting her parents” and after Eddie explained how it was a christening and they were meeting everyone in her family, Buck then said, “It sounds pretty serious”.  Buck was trying to tell Eddie that things were getting serious between him and Ana because she was taking him to meet her family so that she could show him off.  That meant she was probably starting to think about marriage (read blog post: “Eddie doesn’t panic. OK!” for more information about The Christening Scene in the Godfather and how it’s relevant to the scene with Buck, Eddie and the 118).  Eddie didn’t want to admit it because he had already built the family he chose with Buck.  Eddie’s comment about her going home to have time for herself was giving her a way out so that she could exit their relationship and start to focus on trying to find someone who would want the same things she wanted.  She agreed when she said, “Yeah. Right, yeah”.

Kitchens

Ana’s attempt to clean up Eddie’s kitchen that she made a mess in was a metaphor for his heart. Him being in a relationship with her would never work because prior to him making the decision to breakup with her, he wasn’t ready to admit that he had already given his heart to someone else. He was planning to keep sticking it out with her.

Eddie finally followed his heart in 3x9 “Fallout” while he was in Buck’s kitchen after he had spent months trying to deny his feelings for him (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Buck & Eddie’s Kitchen Scene vs. Their Kitchen Scenes with Ana and Taylor” for more on Eddie and Buck’s kitchen scenes with each other and their ex-girlfriends).  He was comfortable with Buck and they moved around Buck’s kitchen with a lot of domesticity and familiarity.  When his time in Buck’s kitchen is compared with the time he spent in his own kitchen with Ana, it’s clear there were major differences between them.  He and Ana were uncomfortable and it was messy because him bringing her into his life was a mess for both of them.  He finally admitted that he should have said something sooner during their breakup and she agreed.

The disaster Ana mentioned also referred to the mess of their relationship because neither of them wanted to admit they should have never been together.  Ana met “The Real Eddie Diaz” in 3x12 “Fools” when he went to The Durand School after Christopher fell off a skateboard. He yelled at her and she looked startled by his anger.  But when she saw him again in 4x6 “Jinx” she thought he had changed because he was acting all chivalrous, after he bandaged her hand, but the truth is he hadn’t changed.  He was still the same Eddie she met several months earlier.

Buck knows how angry Eddie can get and he witnessed it firsthand in 3x5 “Rage” but the difference is Buck has always been willing to step into Eddie’s messes.  He stepped in to help Eddie with his childcare issues without being asked in 2x4 “Stuck”.  He also stepped in to help Eddie after his breakdown in 5x13 “Fear-O-Phobia”. Buck and Eddie have never had to pretend with each other even though Eddie and Ana pretended with each other throughout their entire ten-month relationship.  The red flags had always been there but she chose to ignore them until he started having panic attacks and her woman’s intuition kicked in.  She started her amateur investigation when she invited herself to the firehouse.  She wanted to see why he was keeping her away and she got her answer when Buck picked up Christopher the exact same way Eddie had done when they walked in.

Ana’s comment about Eddie being an amazing father was a direct parallel to how Buck said Eddie was a really great dad in 2x4 “Stuck” when he told Maddie about Eddie’s childcare issues (read blog post: “Eddie Diaz: He is a great dad” for more information on how good Eddie is at being Christopher’s father).  Eddie has always been a great dad to Christopher and his goal in finding a co-parent for him has never changed.  The person who is Eddie’s endgame has to love Christopher just as much as he does and that person has always been Buck.

Buck vs. Ana

Eddie is in love with Buck and he has been for a long time.  It’s evident that Buck’s his heart because of all the heart eyes Eddie gives him when he looks at him.  His heart eyes started back in season two but they’ve continued throughout the seasons. Some examples of when Eddie showed his heart eyes for Buck were in 2x4 “Stuck”; 3x9 “Fallout”; 3x10 “Christmas Spirit”; 5x1 “Panic” and 5x2 “Desperate Times”.  Eddie has never looked at Ana with heart eyes and he never told her that loved her.  He admitted it during their breakup when he said, “I thought it could work. The idea of us. Christopher loves you so much. I just thought…” and she replied, “That eventually you would too?”

When Eddie said, “The idea of us” during his breakup conversation with Ana, he was talking about how people on the outside looking into his relationship with her would see them as a perfect little family.  His comment was also a parallel to how he thinks people will see the family he chose to build with Buck.  Since he’s spent a lot of time allowing other people to tell him what he should want, he allowed their opinions to push him towards a relationship with Ana (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Women pursued Buck, while Eddie was pushed towards women” for more information on how Eddie was pushed towards women).

While both Buck and Ana were immediately attracted to Eddie because of his looks, Buck became Eddie’s heart when he stepped into his life and loved Christopher just like he does. Buck looked past Eddie’s handsomeness early on and saw his heart when they went to pick Christopher up from school in 2x3 “Help is not Coming”. That’s when Buck fell in love with both of them and the look on his face showed that he wanted to be a part of their little family.  Buck loves Christopher just like Eddie does and he parents him the exact same way (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Christopher Diaz has 2 dads” for more information on how Buck and Eddie parent Christopher identically).

Ana was different because all she saw was Eddie the hot firefighter who she could take home to meet her family.  She never said that she loved Christopher even after Eddie told her during their breakup “Christopher loves you so much”. She did comment on how Christopher was a sensitive boy which was interesting.  She liked playing dress up with Eddie like he was some kind of Ken doll and he said that when they were in the suit store.  He told her, “You love dressing me up don’t you?”  This is just another example of how Ana was never meant to be Eddie’s endgame (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Buck and Eddie are each other’s ENDGAME” for more information on why Buck and Eddie are each other’s endgame).

Eddie trusts Buck to co-parent Christopher with him while he only allowed Ana to babysit him which further illustrates the differences between Eddie and Buck when compared to Eddie and Ana.  Buck and Christopher survived the Tsunami together, Buck takes Christopher to the zoo all the time and Christopher ran away from home to Buck’s loft in 4x8 “Breaking Point”.  He took Eddie’s phone, ordered and Uber and left the house without Eddie noticing. He did it after Eddie told him he was dating Ana.  Christopher was upset so he went to talk to Buck and Buck told him he would always be there for him.  Christopher treats Buck like he’s his second dad because he asked Buck if he could spend Christmas with him in 3x10 “Christmas Spirit”.  Buck freaked out over Christopher going to summer camp for two weeks in 3x18 “What’s Next?” and he was the one who helped Christopher and Eddie in 3x12 “Fools” after the skateboarding incident. It was Buck who encouraged Eddie by telling him that he was overthinking things and he researched it so that they could find a solution.  Buck and Eddie’s solution was to build Christopher an adaptable skateboard.  They built it after Ana, who is a certified teacher with a degree in early childhood education, didn’t suggest any alternatives to help Christopher with an activity he clearly wanted to learn how to do.  She didn’t even try to find a way to help and she was his school teacher.

The LOUDEST and most telling detail regarding who Eddie’s heart belongs to is The Legal Guardianship.  Eddie trusts Buck with Christopher so much that he named him to be Christopher’s legal guardian in his will.  Eddie actually gave Buck his heart in 4x14 “Survivors” during The Will Reveal which meant he couldn’t give his heart to Ana since it was already full with Christopher and Buck having equal halves of it.  During their entire ten-month relationship, Eddie never mentioned the legal guardianship to Ana even though he updated his will not long after he met her which was months before they started dating.

Even Carla could tell in 4x13 “Suspicion” that Eddie wasn’t all in with Ana because she’s spent several years working with Eddie as Christopher’s caregiver whenever Eddie was at work.  That’s why she told him to follow his heart instead of Christopher’s because when she asked Eddie how he felt about Ana, he replied, “It’s easy being with her”. Who wants to be thought of as easy by their boyfriend? Answer NO ONE!  He looked like he was just tolerating being in a relationship with her but he doesn’t act like that when he’s with Buck. Did Eddie have a plan to update his will again and replace Buck’s name with Ana’s if the plan was to continue sticking it out with her? Since he wasn’t all in with her it didn’t seem like he did.  Was he ever going to tell her that Buck was already named to be Christopher’s guardian? Maybe or maybe not but if she was planning to be in it with him for the long haul, she probably would have had an issue with it.  Now that they’re broken up it no longer matters (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: The Will & Legal Guardianship” for more information on why Eddie and Buck aren’t ready to discuss his will).

After breaking up with Ana, Eddie finally started taking steps to follow his heart. He wasn’t completely there yet after the breakup but at least he started the process.  His heart has belonged to Buck for a long time but the next step will be for him to verbally tell Buck that he loves him.  He is in therapy now and he’s learning how to be better for himself (read blog post: “Eddie Diaz:  He’s going to therapy so that he can be better for himself” for more information about Eddie’s therapy).  Only time will tell if he’s ready to admit his true feelings and tell Buck how he really feels.

Will Eddie tell Buck how much he loves him during Season 6?  Is he ready since he’s been going to therapy for a few months and he’s trying to be better for himself?  Since he’s working on being better for himself, is he ready to discuss all his firefighting related traumas?  Will he and Buck have therapy sessions together to discuss The Shooting?  Only the showrunners, writers and producers know the answers to those questions.

Additional references for Eddie’s heart will be posted daily.

Links to “Heart References” posts

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #1”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-References #2 & 3” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-References #4, 10 & 16” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #5” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #6” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #7” 

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #8”

#buddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #anti ana flores #anti eddieana #ana flores #christopher diaz #the buckley diaz family #buckley diaz family #911 s6 #911 season 6 #911 meta #911 speculation #911 fox #911onfox #911 on fox #911 s5 #911 season 5 #911 #Eddie Diaz's Heart

[loserdiaz]

dancing with our hands tied - taylor swift

#i had this idea since ana said it's your mess now in eddie's kitchen #this lyrics immediately came to mind lmao #911onabc #911 on fox #911 season 5 #911 spoilers #evan buckley #evan buck buckley #911 buck #eddie diaz #edmundo ‘eddie’ diaz #edmundo diaz #911 eddie #911 edit #buddie #buck and eddie #buck x eddie #my edits

[ghosthunterbuck]

like it means something

buddie (2.8k) (read it on ao3)

Evan. His own name won’t stop rattling around in his head. Evan.

He brings Eddie home from the hospital and everything’s - not okay, Eddie still got hurt and Buck still had to watch it and Bobby’s still hurt too, but - they’re getting there. No one died, and that’s a hell of a lot better than it could’ve been. No one died.

Evan.

Eddie kisses Chris’s forehead and Buck grins wide, because yeah, of course he would take care of him if the worst happened, but this is what Christopher deserves. His family, alive and whole and well.

Taylor’s there. Of course she is, Buck’s mind supplies, you asked her to be. She’s your friend. More than a friend? Buck doesn’t know. There’s a lot to unpack there, and with everything else that’s happened, they haven’t had the time. It’s a conversation for another day.

Abuela, Pepa and Carla each take their turn fussing over Eddie and then, to Buck’s surprise, him too. He doesn’t understand why. Eddie got shot, not him. Eddie’s the one who hasn’t been home in a week, not him. Eddie -

Evan.

Buck’s at a loss. It’s a party of sorts, but Eddie’s exhausted and so is he. Buck feels completely wrung out, and he can see the tension in Eddie’s expression that says he does too. He wants to tell everyone else to leave, but it isn’t his place. Still, though, Taylor seems to get the hint first. She pulls him aside with a gentle hand to his shoulder.

“I’m going to head out. Is there anything you need?” she asks.

Buck shakes his head mutely.

“Just... get some rest, okay? I know you want to take care of him, but you’re not the only one who can.” She presses a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth, then heads over to where Eddie and Ana are seated at the dining room table to make her excuses.

Taylor is half right and half wrong. There are other people that can take care of Eddie, but Buck won’t be able to rest unless he’s nearby.

Evan.

Abuela and Pepa leave next, citing the sinking sun and the growing weariness in Eddie’s movements. They each kiss him on the cheek and go with the promise to return in the morning. Abuela’s left behind enough food to feed an army for a week, stacked in the fridge in carefully labeled Tupperware.

Then Carla goes and it’s just Eddie, Ana, Buck and Chris.

Evan.

Buck should probably go, he knows, but he can’t quite bring himself to. He knows Eddie’s okay, has the living proof sitting right in front of him, but the second he looks away all the tension of the week returns, the fear and anxiety mixing sickeningly in his stomach.

Christopher has fallen asleep in Eddie’s lap, head tucked into his good shoulder. Eddie himself is fighting yawns. It’s been a long day.

Finally, it’s Ana who breaks the silence, standing and pressing a kiss to Eddie’s forehead. “Get some rest,” she says. “And text me if you need anything.”

It’s virtually the same thing Taylor said to him, and it strikes Buck as odd. They’ve been together, what, six months now? She should be saying more. Maybe she’s not because he’s here. Buck still can’t bring himself to leave.

Evan.

Neither of them has moved in the minutes since Ana left, but Eddie’s eyes are starting to drift and Buck knows he needs to sleep.

“Let me take Chris,” he says softly.

The grateful nod Eddie gives him is a testament to just how tired he really is.

Buck picks him up carefully and carries him to bed. He tucks him in and presses a kiss into his forehead. Once upon a time, he might’ve wondered if that was his place. Not now, though, not after everything Eddie said. He loves this kid like his own; he’s not going to pretend it’s anything less.

Evan.

He flicks the light out and makes sure Chris’s night light is on before gently shutting the door. Wordlessly, he returns to Eddie’s side.

There’s a grimace of pain on Eddie’s face that hadn’t been there before, and a quick glance at the clock tells Buck that he’s way past due for another round of medication. He grabs the pills and a bottle of water from the kitchen.

“The doctor said I can give you ibuprofen, too, if this isn’t enough.”

Eddie shakes his head minutely. “No, this is okay.” He swallows the pills Buck offers him dry, then washes them down with a swig of water.

“You need to sleep,” Buck says. “I should-“

“Stay, please?” Eddie interrupts him.

And how could Buck say no to that?

Evan.

Buck’s barely asleep when he hears Eddie cry out. He’s on his feet in a second and by Eddie’s side in less.

Eddie’s asleep still, but his face is scrunched and he’s curled in on himself like he’s trying to make himself smaller. Buck places a hand on his leg and shakes him gently.

Eddie shoots up, hissing in pain and clutching his shoulder. His eyes dart wildly around the room, unseeing.

“Hey, hey, just a dream, you’re okay,” Buck says.

Eddie’s eyes are wide with fear as they meet Buck’s. He sucks in a ragged, shuddering breath, then sags.

“I- you. You were- fuck,” Eddie stutters, scrubbing a hand across his face.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Buck repeats. He pulls Eddie to his chest. “You’re okay.”

Buck rocks them back and forth gently as his shirt slowly grows wet with Eddie’s tears.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Eddie gasps against him. Buck just holds him tighter.

“Don’t be,” he murmurs, “I’ve got you.”

Eventually, Eddie pulls back, wiping his eyes with his good hand.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Buck asks after a moment.

Eddie shakes his head but begins to speak anyway. “It was- I saw you, covered in blood and I couldn’t... couldn’t move, or, or help you. And- and then you were coughing up blood, just like at the party, and I tried, Buck I tried but it was like I was stuck in quicksand and I couldn’t-“ Eddie’s breathing has gone ragged again, so Buck grabs his hand.

“Me?” he can’t help but ask.

“Evan,” Eddie says, so tenderly it hurts.

Evan.

They fall asleep curled together, Eddie’s hand resting over Buck’s heart. It’s the first decent sleep Buck’s had since the shooting.

They don’t talk about it the next day, mostly because Buck doesn’t know what to say. He suspects Eddie doesn’t either.

Instead, much to Christopher’s delight, Buck makes pancakes. The three of them eat together on the couch, watching some cartoon that Chris seems interested in and Buck’s never seen before. It’s so painfully normal. Buck was terrified he’d never get to have this again, and now that he does he can’t shake the feeling that the other shoe is going to drop.

Evan.

That night, Eddie wordlessly pulls Buck into his bedroom. They lay facing each other in the dark. Buck wants nothing more than to bridge the gap between them, but it might as well be the Grand Canyon.

There’s not much light in the room, just the ambient glow of the city filtering in through the cracks in the blinds. It’s enough to see Eddie’s face by, but it doesn’t help Buck read his inscrutable expression. He eventually gives up trying and closes his eyes.

He’s stiff, and sleep evades him. If Eddie’s shifting is any indication, he’s still awake too. Finally, Eddie heaves a sigh and, to Buck’s surprise, wraps a hand around Buck’s wrist and pulls. Buck opens his eyes and sees the silent question in Eddie’s.

Is this okay?

Buck presses himself into Eddie’s space without hesitation.

Evan.

Eddie has a doctor’s appointment the next day, and Buck’s agreed to meet Taylor for coffee after dropping him off. Carla’s with Chris for the day, to help him with school, leaving Buck with a free hour on his hands for the first time in over a week.

His stomach has been in knots all morning. He’s not sure if it’s the prospect of letting Eddie out of his sight for the first time since he’s been home, or the conversation he knows he’s about to have with Taylor.

Because he’s thought about it, and the idea of being with Taylor… he’s kidding himself. Before, maybe. But now, after, with the mess of feelings he has twisting in his chest - he’s not in a place to start something new. He’s not even sure he wants it - her - anymore. Taylor’s great, but she could never fill the hole that was punched in his chest by the same bullet that tore through Eddie’s shoulder.

He’s starting to wonder if he’ll spend the rest of his life dividing things into before and after.

Taylor’s already seated when he arrives, fingers wrapped around a cardboard coffee cup that’s still steaming. Buck almost expected to change his mind when he saw her, to suddenly remember why he was interested in the first place, but mostly he’s just anxious to get back to Eddie. He doesn’t even really feel the old curl of attraction he’s used to. He sits in front of her, suppressing a sigh.

Taylor looks up at him, wearing an expression he can’t quite decipher. “Buck,” she says.

Evan.

“Hey, Taylor.”

“You don’t want coffee?” She asks, inclining her cup towards him.

Buck shakes his head. “Had some this morning,” he shrugs. “Don’t want to get jittery.”

Taylor frowns slightly, but doesn’t say anything.

They sit in awkward silence for what feels like an eternity before Buck finally breaks it.

“Look, Taylor,” he sighs. “There’s a lot going on right now, and I just… whatever this thing is between us, I’m not sure I have the space to figure it out. You deserve someone who’s all in, and I just can’t be right now.”

Taylor blows out a breath. “Oh thank god,” she says.

And that’s… unexpected. Buck raises a brow.

“You’re my friend, and I care so much about you, but I- I was scared, and I didn’t know what to do with it, so I told myself it was something else.” Taylor doesn’t look him in the eye. “All this earnestness is making me nauseous,” she jokes weakly.

Buck huffs out a short laugh. The tightly wound anxiety in his gut loosens, just a bit. “Friends, then?”

Taylor finally looks at him and smiles. “Friends,” she agrees.

“How was coffee?” Eddie asks. He’s looked vaguely constipated since Buck picked him up, but insists that his appointment went fine.

“Good,” Buck replies honestly. “We’re on the same page.” He’s driving, but out of the corner of his eye, he sees Eddie’s face do something complicated.

“Good,” he says. “That’s good.” There’s a beat of silence. “So you’re… together, then?”

Buck glances at Eddie, whose eyes are fixed on the road ahead of them. His expression is carefully neutral, but tight around the edges. Buck huffs a soft breath. “Nah,” he says. “End of the day it wasn’t what either of us wanted.”

Some of the tension bleeds out of Eddie’s posture. “Oh. I, uh- are you okay with that?”

Buck chuckles lightly at that. “Yeah, Eds. Pretty sure I’ve got everything I need right now.”

Evan.

Sleeping in the same bed at night becomes something of a habit, just like not talking about it does. It’s not that Buck doesn’t want to. He’s just… not sure how. What do you say when you’ve got so many feelings that you can’t even begin to decipher them, and the only thing you know for sure is that the thought of letting your best friend out of sight for more than a few minutes sends you careening towards a panic attack? There’s not exactly a greeting card for that.

This song and dance, though, it’s familiar. Comforting, in its own way. They’ve always flirted with the line between friendship and more, daring to put a toe over it, but never to take an actual step. Buck can’t help but wonder if this is a step, and they’re both just too chickenshit to admit it.

Evan.

“Where’s Ana?” Buck asks one morning, apropos of nothing. “I would’ve expected to see her around more often.”

Eddie stiffens. “We, uh, we broke up.”

Buck whirls around, nearly flinging egg against the backsplash. “When?”

“After the party.” Eddie shrugs uncomfortably.

Buck’s eyebrows raise. “I’ve been with you 24/7 since then,” he says. The question is obvious.

Eddie rubs a hand through his hair and frowns sheepishly. “I… texted her?”

Buck’s jaw drops. “You ended a 6-month relationship, a week after you got shot, over text?”

“In my defense, I was on a lot of painkillers. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Buck can’t help but laugh, throwing his head back. After a moment, Eddie joins in.

“That,” Buck says between giggles, “was not cool, man!”

“Nope,” Eddie agrees.

It’s the best either of them has felt in weeks.

The night after Buck’s first shift back at the station, Eddie has the worst nightmare he’s had since that first night. It takes Buck three tries to wake him, and the glassy look in his eyes remains far longer than he’d like.

“Please be careful,” Eddie says finally. “You have to- I can’t-“

“I promise,” Buck says, holding him tight to his chest.

Evan.

It’s Buck’s own nightmare that brings things to a head.

He’s been sleeping surprisingly peacefully since Eddie’s return home, but when the nightmares do return, they’re the worst he’s had.

He dreams he’s stuck beneath the firetruck, white-hot pain radiating up his leg, watching helplessly as Eddie bleeds out in front of him. Eddie tries to drag himself to Buck, but each pull makes the wound gush even more blood. Buck tries to yell for him to stop, but he can’t make his jaw work.

He finally wrenches it open, only to find himself sitting bolt upright in bed. His throat feels raw, like he’s been screaming, and Eddie’s hand is clutching his forearm. He knows where he is, but the panic from his dream isn’t receding. It grows louder and louder, until finally, Eddie’s voice cuts through.

“Evan!” He says sharply. “You’re okay, you’re fine. You’re in my room, with me. We’re both okay.”

Buck sags and falls back against the pillow, willing his breathing to slow. “You keep saying that,” he whispers in the dark.

“What?”

“My name. Like it means something.”

“It does,” Eddie says. “Every single piece of you matters.”

And Buck… Buck almost believes him.

Evan.

The elephant in the room grows larger every day, but still, they don’t talk about it. For all intents and purposes, Buck lives at Eddie’s. It’s been months. Eddie doesn’t physically need his help anymore, but neither is willing to let the other go. With Eddie’s return date drawing nearer, though, it’s getting harder to ignore.

Buck doesn’t want to ask, but he has to. He’s been waiting for the other shoe to drop since practically the first night, and he can’t take it anymore. He decides to soften the blow with pancakes.

“I should probably go back to my apartment,” he says, as casually as he can manage, as if the words don’t feel like ripping his still-beating heart out of his chest. Buck tries not to examine that feeling too closely.

“You need something?” Eddie asks, like it hasn’t even occurred to him that Buck might not come back.

“No, I-“

“Oh,” Eddie says. His expression goes carefully blank.

“I just-“ Buck tries to explain.

Eddie holds up a hand forestalling him. “I get it,” he says. “It’s fine.”

Buck swallows, ignoring the voice in his head that says definitively that it’s not.

Evan.

Buck’s out the door, duffle in hand, when Eddie stops him.

“Buck, wait,” he says, “Evan!”

Buck drops his bag in surprise and turns, only to find Eddie much closer than he expected.

“Don’t go,” Eddie says in a rush. “Stay, please. I need you here. With me.”

Buck gapes at him, as slowly the knot of emotions in his chest begins to unravel. The string that encircles the edges, that one he knows well: fear. The one beneath it: anger, at the sniper and the universe for hurting Eddie all over again. Hope and devastation intermingle, while grief lay coiled off to the side.

And the string that runs through the middle, holding it all together… that’s love.

Oh.

Buck gets it now.

He takes a step forward, closing the minuscule gap between him and Eddie. “I don’t want to go,” he whispers.

“Then don’t.”

Buck kisses him, soft and sweet. A promise, one which Eddie returns in kind.

There’re still a million things to talk about, but for once in his life, Evan Buckley is pretty sure he has all the words he needs.

#911 #9-1-1 #buddie #911 fox #abbie writes #fic #mine

[redtapesworstnightmare]

never want to go back (to the way things were)

The house is just as quiet and still as Buck expected, and he breathes in the scent he’s come to know as home more than the distinct smell of his own apartment. What he does not expect is Eddie, wild-haired and shirtless, rounding the corner from the kitchen wielding a baseball bat. Buck instinctively brings his arms up to defend himself as Eddie realizes it’s just Buck and drops the bat.

“Christ, Buck!” Eddie hisses.

“Sorry!” Buck shoots back in a whisper. “I didn’t think anyone would be awake. I was just gonna crash on your couch.”

In which Buck shows up at the Diaz house after a nightmare, Eddie is already awake, and the two finally get their shit together. All before 5:30 in the morning.

read on ao3 | word count: 1,699

tags: Post-Canon, Nightmares, Buck and Eddie have nightmares and Feelings, Getting Together, First Kiss, Idiots in Love, Ana and Taylor are briefly mentioned, Fluff, Minor Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, mostly comfort

Buck knows it’s a terrible idea. It’s 4:30 in the morning, his shift (and Eddie’s first one back after being shot) starts at 8, and he’s driving to Eddie’s house. It’s also a bad idea because Buck feels so off-kilter he definitely should not be behind the wheel right now, but there was really only one place he wanted to be, one place he knew would get him back to feeling remotely okay.

The Diaz residence.

When Buck pulls up, parking behind Eddie’s truck, he realizes the kitchen light is on. He figures Eddie forgot to turn it off before heading off to bed. Lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time, and it’ll make things easier for Buck. He’s not technically breaking in because he’s had a key for ages, but now he won’t have to worry about sneaking around in the dark. Buck turns his Jeep off and digs his keys out of his pocket as he walks up the path. Despite how shaky he feels, Buck easily slides his key into the lock, giving the doorknob that specific jiggle it needs to open on the first try and easily sliding the key back out as he opens the door. The house is just as quiet and still as Buck expected, and he breathes in the scent he’s come to know as home more than the distinct smell of his own apartment. What he does not expect is Eddie, wild-haired and shirtless, rounding the corner from the kitchen wielding a baseball bat. Buck instinctively brings his arms up to defend himself as Eddie realizes it’s just Buck and drops the bat.

“Christ, Buck!” Eddie hisses.

“Sorry!” Buck shoots back in a whisper. “I didn’t think anyone would be awake. I was just gonna crash on your couch.”

“At 4:30 in the morning?” Eddie demands. He looks like he’s about to say something else, but then he scans Buck up and down, taking in his ragged appearance. “Buck, you know you’re always welcome here, but what’s got you out of bed and miles from your apartment this early?”

“I don’t suppose we can pretend I was just sneaking in to make breakfast for you and Chris?” Buck tries. Eddie fixes him with a look and Buck deflates. “Didn’t think so. I had a nightmare,” After his reluctant admission, he fixes Eddie with a nearly identical look. “What about you? You’re up, too. And as you’ve mentioned, it’s 4:30 in the morning.”

“You’re not the only one who had a nightmare.” Eddie admits. “I guess with my first shift finally here, it’s stirring up some… stuff.” Eddie knows that elaborating on that would be the healthy thing to do, but with Buck, he knows he doesn’t have to.

“I’m not really sure what my excuse is,” Buck says.

“Buck, you watched me get shot,” Eddie tells him. “You had to physically wipe my blood off your face. That’s as good an excuse as any.” Buck doesn’t look convinced. “Come grab a cup of coffee and sit with me on the couch, Buck. I don’t think either of us is getting back to sleep. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s probably a good time to talk through everything.” Buck makes a noise of agreement and follows Eddie to the kitchen. He pulls out his favorite mug and the one he knows Eddie uses every time it’s clean, and Eddie starts the coffeemaker. The pair moves seamlessly together even sleep-deprived, and both Buck and Eddie are struck not for the first time by how natural it feels.

“So,” Buck says when they’re both seated on the couch, steaming mugs in hand, “what’s got you up?” Eddie shoots Buck an unimpressed look that says don’t try to get out of talking but he answers.

“A jumbled mess of a nightmare, really. I don’t remember a lot of that day very clearly, but my brain pieces it together. Sometimes Christopher’s there. Sometimes you’re down, too.” Eddie tells Buck. “It’s… a lot.”

“I remember more than I’d like,” Buck says quietly, and Eddie can feel his heart breaking. But he stays quiet, knowing that Buck has a hard time opening up about things like this, still feels like he’s being a burden by confiding. “But sometimes my brain adds things in anyway. I see Christopher there some nights, too. A lot of nights, you don’t make it off the street alive.” Buck looks absolutely broken at the thought, and Eddie can see that he’s about to send himself into a panic reliving the nightmares.

“Hey,” Eddie says, hoping he isn’t crossing a line as he sets his coffee mug down and reaches for Buck’s hand, placing it directly over his heart. “Feel that? I’m okay.” He swears Buck visibly relaxes at the steady thumping of Eddie’s heart under his hand.

“Thanks,” Buck mumbles sheepishly, pulling his hand back. There’s an unreadable expression on his face, and Eddie’s worried he’s screwed up, crossed a line he shouldn’t have. But the next moment the expression is gone, replaced by Buck groaning softly and scrubbing a hand across his face. He sets his coffee mug next to Eddie’s and lets himself fall back against the couch with a soft oof, hands coming to rest across his belly. “I just wish I could get a full night’s sleep.” Eddie knows how he feels, remembering many nightmares and movie nights since he’d been shot that ended with Christopher shaking both him and Buck awake with the end credits rolling.

“I really thought I’d be fine,” Eddie admits after a moment, settling back against the couch next to Buck. “I really thought I’d have it totally handled. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve been shot. And like I said in the hospital, this was by no means my closest call.”

“You don’t get to choose how things affect you, Eds. I know that better than most,” Buck says with a wry chuckle. “I just… I don’t know. I can’t help but feel selfish.”

“Buck, you have nothing to feel selfish about,” Eddie says earnestly. “It was a traumatic situation all around, whatever your involvement.” Buck wants to argue, but sees the look on Eddie’s face and decides he’d better not.

“Eddie, I- I don’t know what I would’ve done if you-“ Buck chokes out. He doesn’t even need to finish the sentence, because Eddie knows exactly what he means. Feels the same way every time their roles are reversed and it’s Buck’s life hanging in the balance.

“But I didn’t,” Eddie reminds him firmly. “Buck, I’m not letting anything take me away from you. I said I’d have your back our first shift together, and I meant it. Forever.” Buck’s eyes meet Eddie’s, and they are full of hope. Wishing so badly that the words that have just come out of Eddie’s mouth mean what he wants them to.

“I, uh, I broke up with Taylor,” Buck blurts out, and kicks himself immediately. What a way to ruin the moment. “Well, I guess we broke up with each other. We’re way better as friends. We can’t- we were never going to be able to be what the other needed.” Buck says the last part while looking directly into Eddie’s eyes. Eddie, in a turn of events that surprises Buck to no end, looks relieved. Buck wasn’t sure what he expected, but it wasn’t that, and it makes that hope return tenfold. He is suddenly kicking himself for not figuring things out with Taylor closer to Eddie breaking things off with Ana nearly a month earlier.

“Buck, if I’m reading this wrong, we can pretend this never happened, chalk it up to exhaustion and go back to normal,” Eddie says.

“And if you’re not reading it wrong?” Buck challenges, sitting up a little and scooting impossibly closer to Eddie.

“Then I never want things to go back to the way they were,” Eddie all but whispers.

“Eds, can I… can I kiss you?” Buck asks softly. Eddie nods, a smile spreading across his lips.

When their lips meet, it feels like magic to both of them. The kiss quickly turns into both of them grinning like little kids against each others’ lips, and Buck can’t help but think that he’s finally figured out exactly where he was meant to be. Eddie wishes it hadn’t taken him getting shot and giving them what almost feels like joint nightmares for them to finally get here, but he realizes he’d do it all again if it got them right to this moment. Both men are content to sit as close as they can on the couch until they have to get up to get Christopher ready in the morning, but when a yawn from Buck in the middle of a kiss makes them both laugh, they remember just how little sleep they’ve gotten.

“Come to bed with me?” Eddie asks Buck. Buck grins.

“This was so not the way I imagined you saying that to me for the first time,” he says, and Eddie laughs and shoves him lightly. “That sounds perfect.” Eddie stands first, taking his and Buck’s still mostly full coffee mugs and depositing them in the sink. Buck trails behind and takes the opportunity to look over the fridge, finding new pieces of Christopher’s artwork and recent good grades hanging there, most of them under magnets from a set that Buck had gotten Chris for his last birthday. Eddie knows that he’ll ask Chris about each drawing and assignment or test in the morning, and his heart swells.

“Come on, let’s go to sleep,” Eddie says, wrapping his arms around Buck’s waist and pushing himself up just a little so he can rest his chin on Buck’s shoulder. Buck twists to press a kiss to Eddie’s temple, and they are both struck by the ease of it all. Neither of them are willing to let go of each other, so they don’t, walking arm in arm to Eddie’s bedroom and falling into bed all tangled limbs and soft smiles.

It is the best night’s sleep either of them thinks they have ever gotten.

#my writing #9-1-1 #9-1-1 fic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie fic