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#i hate my life rn so much i want it to get better
napping-sapphic · 2 months
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Crazy how i’m not being kissed hard enough to forget everyone who has ever hurt me rn
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skunkes · 7 months
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experiencing a weird thing where im trying to go to sleep earlier (because im tired and sleepy) but i take so long to fall asleep its the exact same thing as just going to bed late...feel so hopeless and i always end up tired either way... im very big on "i can always try again tomorrow" mentality in any way it can be interpreted (interactions with others, mood, the amount of work i do etc) but its so hard to Try Again when you're always too tired to do anything...
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lambentplume · 25 days
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yapping aimlessly tonight
#jaerambles#i just have a lot in my brain!!#anyway i keep getting asked what i would want to do in an ideal situation. if money and time and stuff were no object#i really do think it would be just aimless learning.#like learning new crafts. reading without having to respond to it. sponging up knowledge without the expectation to Say Things#it feels a bit. selfish.#but i don’t really have an endpoint to reach nor do i have something to say. like i just want to acquire experiences and learn things#i get really nervous when people ask me what makes me happy because i don’t know. i know what makes me uncomfortable and scared though#i would also like the ability to just change my situation a lot as much as i want. moving to new places and leaving when i don’t like them#trying new professions without having to stick to them or work up a ladder#drop everything for a weekend to go see friends. things like that.#i say all these things as though i haven’t been too afraid to leave my house for the past 6 months djfjdjfjdjfjjd#i’m trying to be less avoidant lately though. like ideal situations are not my reality!#real life is me being too scared to think of possibilities so in reality i just have to take the tiniest steps back to normalcy#ppl with the jae lore remember when my commute to school was literally 5000 miles#or when i worked two jobs and was so about the grind because i had a reason to want the money#like i used to have So much going on. and now i don’t. and i don’t know what i am in the absence of being Busy#there’s still so much i don’t understand abt bpd1 i’m so scared of making changes too suddenly because i HATE who i was in august#or not who i was. what i was doing.#but now i’ve swung the other direction and i do nothing 😭 i don’t feel like i’m Living rn#i feel like i’ve started all over again. i almost had it i was gonna do two internships and keep doing my cute little barista job#and have a senior year that was gonna be about growing and finishing strong#and then of course my maladjusted ass sees [irreversible change event] and like. yknow#this keeps. happening to me. i want to be so much better than this 😭😭😭
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daz4i · 9 months
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i am so angry about being alive it's not even funny anymore
#what's the point in any of this 😐 i will literally never be okay. i never have been okay. I've had debilitating anxiety since birth#it's not going to go away it's literally getting worse as i grow older and so is my depression#hate to hear ppl say it gets better when I've been gradually getting worse since i was like 13#which is extremely funny. bc when i was 13 is when most of my suicide attempts took place#at least i was active and took initiative back then 🙄 i only became too tired to keep trying since#i don't want to kill myself i just want to be dead. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm always feeling awful. nothing is worth it#even when i feel good it's like 1% of how bad i always feel. and it's not like there's much good to go around anyway#i don't understand now people don't constantly feel like losing their mind over how shit life is truly#there's this line in nlh actually. where yozo asks how come ppl don't constantly want to kill themselves. and yeah felt#i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone#and i don't. care enough. about anything. to want to stay alive. like i said nothing is worth it. idc if ppl would be sad sorry#i don't even know what I'm saying anymore man. idk why I'm doing so bad rn. it's been a tough week ig.#nothing actually happened but everything is just. less than average. a little worse than neutral. just enough to be grating#i don't want to kill myself but i wish i could#wish i wasn't a coward wish i didn't fear permanent damage or hospitals or even just pain i have no control over#nothing happened but everything sucks. existence is disappointing. i would like to stop#vent#suicide //#negative //#ask to tag#i genuinely don't know what to do now. i can't distract myself. i probably shouldn't fall asleep when I'm like that#(at least if i don't want to have nightmares like i did all week and for tomorrow to be even worse)#tbh i doubt i even COULD fall asleep like that lol my brain's working too fast as usual 😐#sigh. sorry for the vent. trying to clear some of the dirt off my psyche
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been getting back into mother 3 after All That and every time i see the sunflower field im like. whoa. that's so neat. i am Not overthinking it !
#i am just making this post to ramble about the sunflower thing again kjfhdg#it's almost been a whole year. i was in the middle of replaying mother 3 last june#i was at the sunflower field scene and decided to stop playing for the night#and that is the same night ''so long nerds'' was uploaded#not to be dramatic or cliche or whatever but. feels very ''on purpose'' ya know#destiny or whatever#the game was a huuuuuuge turning point for me in coping with life and death which i was. Very Bad at before!#and im sure you can tell i still am *(@&*(&*%(&^*#i havent been able to touch the game since but im getting better at it. been watching some videos n stuff about it#i still havent picked it back up tho. idk if i can sit through that cutscene again#i already kinda associated techno with sunflowers bc of the whole rising sun stuff. the staff being a sunflower#but the fact that i was in the middle of that part of mother 3 made that association so much worse#now they're just like. the death object for me. remembrance flowers. idk actual flower meanings but that's what they are to me now#idk if anyone remembers this post but like a week or two after his death my aunt tried growing a sunflower#it was unrelated to me and that whole thing. just another coincidence#she passed this week. so the sunflowers are really back on my mind rn#that's why i turned off the inbox was bc i really didnt know what to do after that#her whole side of the family died this past year#i hate to vent or whatever but i feel like if i dont mention it i'll explode so i've buried this under many other tags#congrats if you read this far i just wanted to have that out there i guess bc i've talked about her a lot#the cats are fine if you remember them. orangey has a home and my uncle is watching thomas#grief#grief cw#i dont remember what ppl tag that as#chat#i'll probably delete this later but im also gonna reblog all the cats n stuff again bc i just want ppl to see them
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the-kipsabian · 8 months
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life is like
extremely vague gestures
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pinkfey · 1 year
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my pos br*ther woke me up at 6AM bc he’s playing video games so fucking loudly and our walls are made of paper and no matter how much i tell him i need to sleep he doesn’t hear me through his headset 😐😐😐 i am just sitting here fml
#straight up yelling about his fantasy life where he was enlisted in the military (he wasn’t) to make some random mfs impressed#swearing up a storm which isn’t allowed in my parents christian household#bitching about the left which also isn’t allowed in our household#but remember their rules don’t apply to their precious firstborn fuckup <33#i hate men yelling i hate men yelling i hate men yellingggg#I AM SO ANGRYYYYYY >:((((#i need to be up in two hours and he took that from me too lmao !! the one day i get to sleep in past six !! holy shit !! i hate him !!#*one hour now 🫠#‘but at least he’s not drinking 🥺’ ask me if i give a fuck i actually prefer him wasted bc at least that means he’s killing himself 🤩#like. he is such a fucking nuisance to live with. what’s funny about his pattern of abuse is how there IS no ‘good period’ where he tries t#make up for what he’s done. because that’s just his ‘sober period’ and he’s such a fucking ASSHOLE during even that that it’s like.#oh so this is you trying. this is the best you’ve got before you get pissed and continue abusing us physically and mentally.#he’s fucking pathetic oh my GOD#oh now he just pissed and didn’t wash his hands again. i am so full of venom rn i hate this man so much#27 year old grown ass man lying to teenage boys online to get male validation#can’t wash his hands after taking a piss despite the fact that he doesn’t shower for weeks on end#refusing to go to an SLE after rehab because he thinks he’s too good for it and ‘he’ll do better this time’ as if he wasn’t climbing out of#fucking windows to get wasted. as a twenty seven year old. touting about how he wants to die but don’t you dare get him help bc he doesn’t#want it. agreeing to rehab and then lying in order to be sent home bc he thinks he has control over an addiction and he in no way abuses hi#own fucking family. holy shit i’m making myself more angery but god i hate everything about him i hate EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM !!!!!!#anyways.txt#delete later
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thecolorsfucked · 1 year
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#today has been a day. as in time did pass. the earth rotated. and i accomplished very little#bc im just feeling paralyzed and not so good. and i guess thats understandable#like i understand y its happening but its not any less frustrating. mostly its just knowing that i have to make life altering decisions in#the next few weeks. and the pressure of: if i dont decide to go for this one project then they dont get a student and they dont get funding#that makes me pretty nauseous. and knowing i have an interview Thursday that im not ready for and i dont really wanna do#and its a product of not talking to people like a human being. like i just dont interact with people much. when im in the lab i mostly#stand around looking unapproachable or go in when i kno there's no one there and i just dont have close friends so i dont really talk to or#text anyone. i just work and fail to get things done. so then when im in a situation where i have to talk to ppl its all anxious shrapnel#or me dominating the conversation bc i cant stand the pauses and i have so much obsessivly rotatinf in my head. and i hate it. im so sick#of hearinf my own voice but no one talk in the way i want them to. i get so bored. and i want to ask pressing and uncomfortable things but#i kno i shouldnt. but i also dont really have a filter so ill just say fucking whatever. which is what i did Saturday when a triggering#topic of conversation arose. so now my lab mate officially knows too much. but whatever wtf is he gonna do abt it. i just get so annoyed#bc now its in my head. thr fact it set me off and that i overshared and that now its in my head. annoying.#and it doesn't help with the writing things i need to finish. bc i dont like feeling like ive done something wrong and one of the reviewers#has good points. which also probably means ill have to redo my 8 days of measurements so far#but i also might b able to shorten the timeline so idk. just a lot is happening rn and i feel the pressure and by brain doesn't like#pressure. and not doing things rn is not good. things need to be done#so idk i dont feel good but it makes sense. by the end of February hopefully things will b figured out#and i should sleep and hope for a better tomorrow#unrelated
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pepprs · 2 years
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my onboarding has been a complete and total fucking mess it’s so stressful i want to just explode. lol
#purrs#finally got on payroll but can’t submit my time sheet bc my last student / intern timesheet WHICH SHOULDNT EVEN BE THERE bc i was in my#transitional position!! is still in my timesheet center and i already filled out a docusign time sheet for that pay period so i shouldn’t ha#have to worry abt it but i can’t submit any timesheets until that blank one gets removed by someone in payroll but a lot of ppl are on#vacation so im like wtf lol. im now on the first day of my 4th week and still haven’t gotten the email to sign up for benefits which iwwas s#supposed to get in my 2nd or 3rd week and i literally need to make appointments and figure out what im paying for counseling. still haven’t#found a carpool bc that fucking asshole wants to charge me $100 for a months worth of rides which i think is overpriced personally and also#he creeps me out but i can’t search for another carpool bc there isn’t a group for staff / faculty to like ask questions and this guy was#supposed to be my connection to helping me find staff / faculty in Columbia but instead he just inserted himself and it’s like i kinda hate#you and don’t want to ride with you but i literaly don’t think i have a choice. and then ofc my supervisor decides to leave RIGHT NOW so its#like i have to go out and find a ‘cultural contact’ who can get me acclimated to staff life bc she was supposed to do it and now she’s#fucking off to ****** so i have to replace her while ALSO taking her place w a whole bunch of work stuff AND being on the search committee w#which is launching this week. and im just about to punch something. this process has been so turbulent and frustrating i just want to be#settled in and instead km hitting roadblocks every step of the way and ppl including my close colleagues are still tagging me in my student#email when they don’t have to and they KNOW i hate it and want to have my staff email show up as much as possible. lol. ughhhhhh#i keep telling myself it’s like stars. my student star has gone out but the light takes time to travel to earth and it’s gonna keep hitting#for a while and im gonna have to deal w that. but in a couple months time god willing it’ll feel better. meanwhile i have completely paused#my quest to earn my permit and find a place to live bc i just can’t handle it rn and also im isolating myself again lolllll. so things are n#not good and im scared my counselor is only gonna give me 30 minutes like last time and spend most of it talking… we’ll see. i have more#thoughts but if i don’t go now i will be late for work lol 😃✌️
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gojoest-main · 2 years
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had a terrible day i need hugs ;-;
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noxtivagus · 1 year
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I'M SO SLEEPY HFLKDJA
#🌙.vent#weekends r too short i barely did anything ngl but. i did spend time w my family n some friends lately so that's nice !?!#just thinking n oh my god i hate being shy so much. i tell myself so often i need to hesitate less! but#it's just so HARD. I HATE IT BCS I REALLY WNA JUST#😭😭 i can't help but feel really bad about it bcs. i really need to..#oh my mind is such a mess rn wait but i really need to hesitate less#ok that said it's 4 am n i have to wake up in less than 3 hours. i'm sleepy but. i want to.. write whatever. i need to#it's so hard for me to bring myself to sleep until i've. written. something#writing to my friend writing to myself writing for school i don't care i really just need to write something before i sleep#this sucks bcs i'm genuinely rlly sleepy rn but i can't bring myself to just. stop wtvr n finally go to sleep#it's so. tbf it is like 4 am rn my mind is so messy#i opened up a bit to one of my online friends of my.. anxiety of like drifting apart or being distant n all#n their words reminded me of some stuff that made me reflect a bit n#i know w like. a lot of my friends i don't have to be so nervous about anything at all n i#i'm about to cry rn i blame it on the lack of sleep n the sleepiness i have rn :<#it's just such a touchy subject for me i always get very emotional when i think or reflect on what i mean to others....?#it's a really really touchy subject for me bcs it just. reminds me that i'm. actually alive n human too yk? that. this is. real i think#i'm crying this is so dumb#it's so. i hate it so much bcs at heart i know better but it's just so hard to really just accept that. i don't know#how is it like to have /me/ in your life?? in whatever way?? it just feels so unreal to me n that. probably stems from a certain#loneliness that i've grown to be used to. n then it's the root of my hesitation i Think#it's just.. rlly so hard at times to. idk i can't help but unintentionally restrain myself w others n there's just often this barrier#i hate it i'm so afraid to be hurt in any way again that even though i rlly wish this fear wasn't there it's just engraved in me#n so i wonder at times. the person others know me as. is it rlly me or just the parts they want to see. an image of me?#i hate it bcs i know certainly w the way i perceive others i love them so much wholly but accepting that for me feels so 'selfish'#i know better but it's so hard to just break out of it n i feel like a burden so often.i hate it so much i feel like i'm rarely ever enough#& i 'have' to be just enough; not too much or too little. i have. fears of what wld happen if i really be myself if i wasn't shy n all..?#n then i rlly can be too harsh on myself at times. to do things right n properly. but life is imperfect the world is imperfect n it's ok if#if i'm not too right? if i can love others unconditionally then.. surely surely i'm not exempt from that? surely i'm human too?#yk what. i'll be fine when i wake up i think i'll go sleep n do the rest tomorrow. it's been.. a month now hasn't it? 28th huh
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savethepinecones · 5 months
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sooo glad im moving next month
#sometimes i really hate living with my mom#idk what it is but sometimes when we get into arguments it turns into a shouting match#and like i never get like that with anyone else#like i never even yelled at that one roommate i had who was a total nightmare#who was like objectively far worse to be living with#longtime mutuals know the deep piney lore of the fake dementia roommate im not gonna get into it rn cuz thats not the point but like#it was Bad#anyway i got into a screaming match and i think i fucked up my throat and im pissed at myself for yelling#and during this argument i was told that i 'do less than nothing' and have 'given up on life'#and also that im relying on 'handouts' and 'mooching off others' because i 'dont want to work'#and also that even if im bad enough off that i should be taking a break i should still do more#i think the exact phrasing was 'im not saying you should do more im saying you could do more'#as if pushing myself to do more than i should isnt a big part of why ive had to stop working in the first place#like surprise surprise that shit catches up to you#anyway that really sucked and i was a sobbing mess but i had a good chat with my sibling in law#who is also gonna be my roommate once i move#and im feeling much better#also im going to visit them and my sister this weekend cuz my grandma is doing a family christmas party#and i live like four hours away so im gonna stay at my sisters place while im out there instead of getting a hotel#and i might go out a day or two early depending on how my morning goes parentwise#also gonna bring some boxes out there so i dont have to move all at once so im gonna have to lift stuff ough
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dykevenusian · 6 months
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i love going through my personal tag it’s like getting to remember my life
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years
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#apologies for being whiny yet again but alas humans r social creatures and i have no desire to interact with physical ppl lmao#its just that im so so tired. ive been working on this manuscript for the last 2 weeks and i hate it so much. so i spend all week like i#cant wait for the weekend when i can avoid this. but my obsessive brain must have something to get obsessive abt and if its not work then#its something else and rn i can feel it creeping into my drawing. like i just want to draw all the time. more and more and more. i can feel#the goalpost shifting on what's qualities as acceptable and on one hand i feel like ive gotten a lot better in a short period of time but#but also it means i sit there for like 6hrs coloring until my legs hurt and ive wasted so much time and i spend hours filpping back and#forth. unable to commit to drawing any one thing. which is very annoying. idk its just exhausting bc all i can think abt is all the things#i should be doing instead but im stuck there until i can get x thing done#and i put so much pressure on the time i have to draw that most of the time im too paralyzed to do anything#bc executive dysfunction annoyingness. and my brain makes me stay up so late and wake up so early. im just tired#so im making myself miserable in all aspects of life. like no. stop that. pls#its just this like crazy frantic anxious energy constantly spinning in my chest#and its like oh u should make friends or something so u can get out of ur own head but like idk ppl are exhausting and i dont like#listening to myself talk. i find it personally annoying lol. i feel like some sort of alien when i go to lab meetings. like i see what's#happening and i understand the structure but like in a synical way. like im not reacting how im supposed to. the interactions dont make me#feel anything. i feel the same way when i go to the zoo or something. like im supposed to feel something but its not there. im forming#memories but then when i hear ppl reminisce abt it. its like oh yea i guess that did happen. i dont have the fond memories u seem to have.#i dont feel anything abt it. so then whats the point of doing things like that? its just a waste of time and money if im not gonna enjoy it#my emotions seem to shift between light misery and an obsessive almost manic focus. so ill smile abt thing but something deep in my chest#feels wrong. weird emotional disonace. agh. idk its just annoying and ive gotta sort myself out b4 i have to take a like 18hr car ride with#my boss in like 3 weeks or something. blah! i should just sleep more. that would prob help#unrelated#in a lab meeting once i got asked what i do to relax and im like. i dont. and my boss was like what abt drawing?#and i was like ahah i like to draw but im so obsessive abt it that its something i have to do#so its not so much fun as it is stressful so yeah i dont relax
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ghostfacd · 5 months
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IN A WORLD FULL OF BOYS, HE’S A GENTLEMAN ! | TOM BLYTH
PAIRING. tom blyth x fem!actress!reader
SUMMARY. despite being in a world filled of childish boys, your boyfriend was definitely a gentleman, always putting you before him
AUTHORS NOTE. the third installment because we love tom blyth and yn avocot. I recommend reading part 1 and 2 for more context!
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tomblyth “babe, do you think we’re together in every universe?” is that even a question?
tagged @/ynuser
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ynuser stoppp i didn’t know youd actually take the question seriously
user1 get you a man like tom blyth bc oh my god
user2 idk what yn did to manifest him but i need her ways
user3 ugh idk what he’s doing with her lol he could do so much better
➥ user4 well someone had to say it..
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You didn’t understand how some people on the internet can be so . . . mean. Although there have been countless of fans cheering you and Tom on, it didn’t make it any less hurtful that there were still a ton who weren’t scared to be open about how much your boyfriend could do better.
It’s ironic; you think. They’re claiming they’re looking out for Tom, yet totally disregarding him and his girlfriend as human beings? Those weren’t real fans.
The reason for them hating you so much? Just for simply being with Tom. Everybody wanted him, that was your crime.
Everytime you got lost in your thoughts about this topic, Tom knew. Boyfriend instincts, he called them, but really, he was just a caring and observant person.
You tried not to break down over it, you really did, but a girl could only go on for so long before it all bursts out. Luckily, Tom pulls you right in, telling you to let it all out.
Although the world was filled with childish and hurtful beings, Tom Blyth was still who he was, a gentleman, attending to your every needs.
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tomblyth really dgaf if you like my girlfriend or not cause i do and that’s all that matters
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user5 im cryinf the polaroid he has of her
user6 YES REAL MEN STAND UP FOR THEIR GFS
user7 ALL THE PICS HE HAS OF HER 🥹🥹
tomblythswife oh to be yn avocot and be loved by tom blyth
rachelzegler tell ‘em 🙊
user8 she doesn’t even comment on the posts he makes abt her, so self centered lol
➥ ynuser I’m right next to him rn?? cant say the same thing about you “lol”
➥ user9 OH SHE ATE YOU UP @/user8
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tomblyth_daily here are some clips of tom talking about his relationship in his new interview! GET YOU A MAN THATS LIKE TOM BLYTH 🗣️🗣️🗣️
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user10 the way he’s so passionate when talking about her and being a good boyfriend, God I hate being single
user11 “they’re not even that cute” STFU AND GO WATCH THIS INTERVIEW CAUSE ??
user12 tom blyth said put aside your nonchalant attitudes, im looking at YOU MEN 🫵🫵
ilovetomblyth he’s so boyfriend it actually hurts
user13 yn must’ve saved a continent in her past life to be dating tom blyth omg
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ynuser girls, before you have a meltdown over a boy: think of what balleona laurent would do. kiss and manipulate coriolanus!
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tomblyth you kiss and manipulate me too
➥ ynuser you’re gonna get me CANCELLED
user14 literal unbothered icon i love her
user15 if i were her id post a tiktok with that audio “he chose me he don’t want you”
iloveyn SHES SO FUNNY
lionsgate us when behind the scenes photo of balleona 😻
➥ user16 lmao stop who’s the admin of lionsgate
user17 balleona is such a bad person but oh is she hot
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tomblyth she was like a shot of espresso
tagged @/ynuser
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ynuser i love u more than words can describe blyth
user18 ok who’s cutting onions
user19 GIRLS, GUYS, THEY THEMS, STOP SETTLING FOR BARE MINIMUM WHEN TOM BLYTH LITERALLY CALLED HIS GF A SHOT OF ESPRESSO, GIVES HER FLOWERS EVERYDAY, AND TALKS ABT HER ALL THE TIME IN HIS INTERVIEWS
➥ user20 YELL IT HARDER SISTER 👐👐👐
user21 this is so dark academica im inlove with u guys
user22 parentssss
rachelzegler my favorites
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ynuser SNOW LANDS ON TOP LOSERS
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tomblyth yn, i love you but
➥ user23 LMFAOO when he doesn’t finish his sentence
user24 the second pic thank u yn
joshandresrivera on top of u maybe
➥ user25 IM DYING OML
user26 thank you to lionsgate for casting the most hottest villain couple ever
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