#i hate myself but i am going to sleep <3

[iknowwhereyousnoozeatnight]

couple of mello + near doodles

#death note #mello #mihael keehl #near #nate river #meronia #bright colors #eyestrain #been having fun w colors recently :3 #these are the product of me really really really not wanting to do some discussion boards #like i don’t even hate discussion boards but something about them has been filling me with dread i’d rather just do exams tbh #i'm like dragging myself through the rest of this semester but it's different from last semester last semester i was losing my mind #this semester i've been able to sleep more than 4 hours a night and go outside bc it's not freezing but also i'm just so fucking done #with school i've been here too long i'm tired but i'm always tired and will always be tired it's tragic honestly i think i'd be more cool #with school if i weren't living how i am rn w my family but eh i don't have the money to move out so it's whatever and it doesn't really #help that i know i'll have to get at least a master's to really do anything in my field and the though of doing more of this makes #me so tired i think i might take a gap year after i get my bachelors this fall idk #anyways enjoy my doodles or don't if you don't want to i'm not the boss of you

[novelconcepts]

i don't make resolutions, but if i did

it would be to finish this fic

(and to be kind to myself for however long it takes to actually do so)

#i'm finishing it if it kills me #i know i've been writing this makeout scene for 3 weeks but baby that can't last forever #if we want to get deep and dark and serious for a second i do think a lot of my struggles to write lately have to do with engagement #and how incredibly low engagement has been on the last few things i've written #which like. is what it is. i'm not entitled to anybody's time or comments or kudos. #but when you write stuff you're proud of and it feels like it's barely getting read it's hard to keep momentum. #this isn't intended as a woe is me or whatever it's just kind of like. there. hovering. #happens enough times you start to wonder if it's you. am i just writing for the wrong fandom/ship? #(too bad if so. they're in my bones i'm writing for them and no one can stop me.) #but yeah. if you ever wonder if authors do care or notice about hits. comments. kudos. buddy i am here to tell you #not only do we care and FLOURISH we also notice when those things drop off and readers vanish #and it is a giant bummer. and sometimes makes us wildly paranoid about why that might have happened. #so if you liked a fic today--not even one of mine. just. anybody's. share it. comment on it. #kudos at the VERY least (cuz frankly kudos is there to be an 'i got to the end and this was nice' feature. #so when you get 500 hits and only like 30 kudos? it feels like 470 of those people hated your work) #anyway. that got out of hand. lil' too raw lil' too honest. happens when you let yourself ramble at 11:30 instead of sleeping #to sum: let your local fic writer know if they've made you happy #and as we go into 2024 i am swearing to myself that this fic (and probably several others) are getting finished #come hell. high water. or dishearteningly low engagement numbers. #(and then maybe we...actually work on something original. cuz why not. new year same old me but i'll do my best.)

[dawningfairytale]

"what type of pretty are you? bunny, cat, fox, or deer?" i'm a sleep-deprived university student, hope this helps

#anti tiktok #we don't have to be pretty #tiktok culture #let me be - well not ugly - but actually fuck that #some days i am ugly. or at the very least not pretty. and that's not me hating myself or not valuing myself. #it's that my value in that moment is not dependent on categorising my appearance #sometimes i try to be pretty. sometimes i am on my period and had 3 hours of sleep in the past two days and need to wash my hair. #and sometimes i just don't need to care about being pretty #why do we have to act as though women have to be some sort of pretty to matter or be desirable #i don't know what my point is #if you like identifying as fox pretty or whatever then i'm not going to stop you #but. i don't know. it just seems like another category some tiktokers are pushing that we don't need

[withered-owll]

*LE GASP* The new chapter’s here!  I finally managed to finish editing it so enjoy!  *runs away* See ya~!

#shadowpeach #lmk wukong #lmk #lmk ocs #lmk fanfiction #lmk macaque #lmk six eared macaque #lmk mk #lmk mei #lego monkie kid #sun wukong #six eared macaque #fanfic #I should go to sleep #it's like 3 am #i will definitely hate myself in the morning :D

[hopefulqueer]

ow

#having one of them 'hurts too much to sleep' nights #dont even want to lay down bc i know that will not hurt any less and it'll just upset me #i fucking hate this #it's not even that bad it's just bad enough to be so distracting that i can't ignore it #i have to go to work tomorrow and be normal #i was supposed to go on a hike this week to prove to my boss i can do the field trips. #haha. #i didnt do that. and i probably Can't do the field trips. #and they're gonna fire me <3 #(they probably won't but honestly that's worse bc then i have to keep working with people who know i lied abt being able to probably #do the field trips no issue) #how the fuck am i supposed to be an outdoor educator when i can't Go Outdoors for more than a few minutes w/o hurting myself #why did i think i could do this. why do i ever think i can do anything

[stereax]

woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

#sterechats :) #09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway #what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again? #probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D #10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire #like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it #I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring! #but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3 #11:00 pm - I need to get out of here #I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me #everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense #why am I even writing these tags what does it matter #I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing #maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore #I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha #11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one #how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good #everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now #here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah) #11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive #in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love #I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day #maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it! #maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead... #1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am #not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep #and I don't want this to post when I'm awake #I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always #because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really #I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay

[klauswalz]

I feel like I am getting to the point where I would rather watch someone play a game than play it myself.

I feel like I just don't have the attention span or energy to play a game with 1000 pointless sidequests to progress the story. The Witcher 3 is the only game where the side quests were meaningful and interesting and not pointless.

It's either like I am not interested or I play consistently, there's no in-between.

#working full time puts perspective because I only play for an hour before I go to sleep #I had a mutual on twitter that wants me to go through tales of series and I did recently finished tales of xillia and xillia 2 but #here's the thing - I really am pushing myself to finish it by using cheat engine like don't have the energy to do sidequest #that I could watch on youtube. #also my struggle to finished mafia 3...... I have a love/hate relationship with that game. I will finished it... someday.... #*personal thoughts

[sourkitsch]

Two things that are true at once:

I am not nearly as mentally ill as I’ve convinced myself I am

I am far sicker than I’ve convinced my friends that I am

#:( #my friend and I were talking about post grad plans and we were talking about how our friend is gonna move in w them + their partner #and eventually we got onto how I’m not confident on my ability to pay rent on place by myself #and then they were like omg wait we were actually just looking at a place w 3 bedrooms and thinking about who else we would want to live w #and I literally brushed them off by saying ‘oh no I’m a nightmare to live with’ and they were like no omg it would be so great!!!!!! #it would not be great. and I am hoping whatever these plans are fall through so I don’t have to say anything about it #because I cannot have roommates. my friends have only encountered my ptsd twice and I managed it well enough that I’m pretty sure #no one noticed. but it’s because the vast majority of my triggers are domestic. when I sleep over my moms house I sleep in a bedroom #all the way down the hall away from everything because I cannot hear people’s footsteps by my door or I freak the fuck out #and just the idea of people drinking or doing drugs in a place I live makes me feel like I’m gonna throw up #I’ve tried living in a single dorm before and that was bad enough that I had to move off of campus my sophomore year #I just really really really don’t want to be serious and tell them I can’t #because I know it would be unfair to all of us #I hate that I view myself as a punishment for other people but I know it’s because it is. I would be that crazy roommate that’s brought up #for years afterwards. and it sucks because I like this people even if I know not to trust them #it’s also now a pattern that when I bring something up about me not being normal people think it’s a joke. which maybe it’s my fault #I really need to go back to therapy but do not have the bandwidth to go over the incest thing with a new person right now

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

You know this time next year, when I haven't spoken to mum in months and I'm not coming home for xmas, I hope she thinks back on days like today and is like "yeah that's probably the reason he went no contact"

#max rambles a lot #sometimes i think that maybe things will be okay and i won't have to cut off the other half of my family when i move out #and then days like this happen where both of them start screaming at me because idk the way i'm feeling is inconvient to them #and *my* autism and mh isn't an excuse for being 'bone idle' and 'lazy' (i swear i'm really trying i'm just Going Through It rn) #but theirs is an excuse to treat me like shit #i fucking hate it here #i've decided that whether or not this opportunity comes to fruition i'm moving to York in september #opposite side of the country while still being in the north #hate the idea of moving out of manchester tbh i love it but a fresh start is what i need so 🤷🏻 #yeah fuck them both tbh i worked so hard to buy them nice xmas gifts that i know they'll love #and almost broke myself on multiple occassions to clean this hovel of a house and it's never fucking good enough #i am the only one who is *still* sleeping on the floor because mum and my sister both have new beds and mattresses #and i got yelled at for trying to figure out if i could afford to get a bed too #because mum didn't want the hassle of sorting my room out too before xmas so i have to wait until the new year??? #like fuck off i'm so tired of being on the floor all the time i hate it here sm #anyway i'm sad and tired and angry i've really had enough i just needed to rant into the void #because if i go off at either of them it turns into 3 days of screaming at me and i'm way too tired for that honestly

[tardis--dreams]

I wish i could skip forward to December 23 already

#i cannot stand my own whining but god i hate my life rn lol #i mean it's all my fault but i don't see myself improving in this environment #i should just try to ignore myself for the next 3 weeks #i can start packing up and throwing away stuff i won't need here anymore and maybe I'll feel less stifled #idk #just get through it i guess #this weekend I'll be away one last time and then there's only 2 weekends left #then it's essentially only 2 more weeks because the last week doesn't even count #finals start in 2 weeks already so i should be occupied #i still haven't even started my paper i already asked for an extension for and should hand in in November #instead of October #i just need to start focusing on anything but food intake and exercise and my body and I'll be fine #the days only seem to go by so slow suddenly because i'm literally not doing anything but hate my current state #so tomorrow I'll work on my paper and go running or take a walk and I'll book my bus tickets for the weekend #I'll find some enjoyment in occupying my mind with anything but myself #(sounds wrong. but i guess my problem really is that I'm focusing too much on how i dislike everything about me and need to change it #while the solution would be to simply not care and live my sad little life) #void screams #(((affirmation: i will not cry myself to sleep tonight ♡ i will face another day without a mental breakdown over how Wrong i am ♡))

[rollercoasterwords]

the hand that feeds, ch 45

#it is 1 am for me so i really am just #posting this and then going to sleep and leaving anyone who decides to read it dangling on the edge of a cliff #but it's such a fun cliff <3 #wheeee so fun #thtf #the hand that feeds #dorlene #dorlene fic #marauders fic #marauders #ok there done w tags #i hate actually tagging it's only fun to use tags when i am having a second secret conversation w myself in them

[ofgentleresolve]

patrick ( who had seven 20 page papers due by the end of the week ) after he tried this technique and was able to finish five of the seven papers in the course of three days:

translation: "don't talk to me, i've betrayed everything i've ever stood for, i'm a heathen to all english professors-"

#dash commentary ( patrick. ) #( crack. ) #HELP HE'S SO MAD THIS TECHNIQUE WORKS WHY DOES HIS BRAIN LIKE IT #FJKLSDJFKLSJ ah yes...comic sans is no longer his sworn enemy...it's become the object of a love-hate relationship :'D #am i going to try this technique myself...why yes <3 #he could not show his anger upfront and therefore had to resort to sipping his tea...angrily :'D #he's currently sulking #....someone give him comfort pats?? #or maybe hyuk if u want just let him rant about this bc U KNOW he hates comic sans JFLKSJDLKFJSD #anyways i sleep now #this weekend was busy so i couldn't get much writing done #hopefully i can change that this week <3 #have a good week everyone!!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#how am i feeling? i am not feeling good #ok i feel better than i did 5min ago. itll b fine but Jesus #so basically what happened is its supposrd to snow tomorrow night so i have to get some sampling done tomorrow morning #and i do not like big short notice changes. there's like a 30% i will flip out #and the sampling i have to do is at 3 sites that i would love to never step into ever again. i have so much bitterness and hate toward that #study. it was the start of the end. and by the end i mean the epic downward spiral that was my 2022 experience #so ngl i wish they would catch on fire. but not really bc theyre long term study sites that have been going since like the 80s #anyway. i have to do that tomorrow. also also in sampling these sites im adding 80 samples to my list #which means ill be taking measurements for an extra 5 days 🤪 thats gonna be at least 39 days of measurements 🤪🤪🤪 #and last time i did this i starting losing my god damn mind. and i cant do that now bc i have to pretend ive got everything together #so yeah im just at the stage of anticipating pain for the start of all that and ive gotta get up early tomorrow and its already late #and i spend like an hour crying into an excel spreadsheet so my eyes r tired #so ya kno its good. its all good. good good good. great. im soooo happy #and i do not at all feel the urge to throw myself to the ground screaming like a toddler #im just standing here in this grave ive dug myself over the past year and now its time for the universe to start burying me #hhhh... i should sleep. so my brain works at least a little tomorrow 🙃 #itll b fine. ill get to talk to a lab mate i dont usually see and itll be fine #unrelated

[chrisbangs]

zzz

#kinda weird for me... right now times... #mm... idk #i have no friends... no job... no partner... #so these days i wake up at 2 pm eat smth small and then go back to sleep (which means i'm in bed watching mark) until 10-11 pm and then go #down and drink some tea maybe eat smth if anyone asks why i haven't eaten and then go back to bed and fall asleep at around 6 am and #rinse repeat... #and it's really noticeable bc my sister talks to her friends at least 3/4 times a week and she has a whole schedule of who she's playing #games with on what day... and my mom and dad are super involved with their temple activities #my mom keeps asking why i'm in my room so much but i don't . have anything that ties me to this world does that makes sense idk #i just don't have anything... #that's why i'm giffing again lol #i thought it would make me feel better #didn't really do anything i guess #i'm tired heh... 😞 #kinda weird that i don't have anyone or anything left #it's always been like this but #anyway... once again another reason to hate the summer #also not to mention my bday will eventually come around soon enough and #i hate my bday more than i hate myself so lol #anyway... it's just been on my mind... i wanna sleep a lot these days and that's ok i guess... #im tired ah... #dl #li.txt

[greenscreen-dress]

I HAVE FINISHED THE OWL HOUSE IT IS 6:30 A.M I HAVE NOT SLEPT I HAVE JUST BEEN SOBBING CONTINUOUSLY FOR THE PAST 6 HOURS. AUOUAHOGHHH. FUCK.

#GILR HELP I HAVE A THERAPY APPOINTMENT IN LIKE. 3 HOURS I NEED A SMIDGE OF SLEEP BUT INSTEAD I SHALL SIMPLY. WAAAH :') #i watched part of the first s3 special but didn't have time to finish it & just didn't catch up #spent the past few days intensely bingeing it from the start to get back in the right mood & it's all culminated in this #GOURDDDD... what a beautiful show what a TRIP... but it hurts thinking of what it might have been in Dana's original vision #ok no only happy tears now. rage and hate at The Mouse later. now we delight in a good story. :') #fcuken hell man. i am dehydrated from crying i'm not even kidding. FCUK #i was never hugely into the fandom but i did watch most of s2 as it was coming out. it's such an incredible & important show holy shiet. #one of the greats #i am. not very eloquent & repeating myself a lot here but like. 6:30 a.m no sleep brain also very emotional brain also waaagh <3 #ANYWAY. new fandom beloved aquired #toh #eMerambles #eMerambles in the tags #eMe go sleep for an hour or two? eMaybe. yaaawn. bleh #clarification: i watched part of the first s3 special *when it first aired. and then didn't catch up. which was... last year sometime? idk #time is hell and also bullying me :'D

[groupwest]

feel like i’m gonna die. why am i so cruel to me body why won’t i let just let it rest. 3am again

#i hate myself for this routine which rots my life away. numb myself so hard every night till my ears ring and i’m just a walking sack of #sensations. mostly nausea. head spinning nothingness. no wonder my brain won’t work no wonder i can’t talk to people #i tell myself i keep trying but most of the time i refuse to leave my comfort zone. it has always been my own refusal of life #that has put me exactly where i am. where i lay. in the ground. #it’s so cold tonight. autumn is here. it’s very almost april and i am almost twenty two. …. this is so painful #i just wish i had more me inside me more words and more will. more thoughts. more dreams. abmition… lol. my ambition is a whirlwind #of musical instruments i’ll never learn to play #goodnight anyways. don’t want to go to sleep. 3:33. i wish the world could alsways be as quiet as this