#i hate myself i hate that i cant control my emotions at all i hate that im scared that no one cares about me or that im not taken seriously | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

skitskatdacat63 · 4 months

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I wish I didn't feel horrific levels of insecurity/inferiority/jealousy/fomo/ego/etc etc about literally everything 24/7. I don't think I let it affect how I interact with people, but it's just this sickeningly insufferable feeling in my chest

#like hey. can you please be normal about things for like one minute please?#i hate irrational feelings. i dont truly believe in them but its just this weight on my chest #even things i enjoy. my brain ruins them :]#its just these feelings i cant control and they fucking bastardize everything its so annoying #i cant like something without this tickling in the back of my brain pointing out some insecurity and inferiority abt jt #as i said i dont let it affect how i treat and interact w people #BUT WHY MUST I FEEL THESE WEIRD COMPULSIVE THOUGHTS #as i said it just ruins everything for me. why so negative brain? are you okay :/#ugh sry im being shitty today. feeling very all over the place w my emotions #these feelings come up unbidden and i start hating myself #like why do you have to be this way. can you be normal #catie.rambling.txt

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hella1975 · 1 year

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by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn

#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem #& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss #and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified #whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing #but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!!#like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard #(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha)#is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this #like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp #and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life #and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM #THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER #SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME #but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself #and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it #like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe #that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love #or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress)#and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness #otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc #and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway #like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done #('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us)#whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me #and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response #AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT #like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart #ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum #but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism #taob updates

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puppygirldanhowell · 11 months

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tbt when i was telling my therapist about my self destructive habit to get obsessed w people and then lose interest in/genuinely dislike them when they dont give me enough attention affection love etc and she deadass replied "it's funny how you you recognize that you're doing this but don't stop yourself from it" WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO AKSDNKL3NFR

#MAAMMMMM BAHAHKDHRLKH #it was funny but like. girl just because i realize im doing it doesnt mean i suddenly can control those emotions. thats kind the whole poin #of being bipolar akskjbeknfl #this has totally chilled out since i broke up w my ex gf which is. good and bad #good bc i hated being a shitty person bad bc as of super recently im not getting obsessed w people at ALL #which is TERRIBLE bc i literally cant remember a time in my life wheni wasnt obsessed w someone #i had a favorite person at age five. what am i meant to focus my energy on now??? myself???? you playin #ash is mentally ill

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toedenwithmeyouwillnotleave · 4 months

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somehow my anxiety has become worse in thepast year or so and i feel like it just eats me alive

#i do Not feel in control of my emotions esp my anxiety #i had this whole day to myself and i couldnt get anything done because i feel like i couldnt move or something like i was frozen #i just feel like ive become more insecure and unsure of myself and i dont know why.#iswear i didnt use to hate myself but now i cant even look in the mirror #i want to be beautiful and stunning and gorgeous and funny and talented and fun and freespirited and happy and young and #i feel like i was once all these things but now i am just #clingy dependent on others unconfident scared needy #:(

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kaserolly · 1 year

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#moving on and recovering from mental breakdowns has got to be one of the worst things ever #i went through one last night because my mom wouldn't stop bitching about sth that im too scared of sharing #ans i simply just... couldbr take it anymore bhhhug i literally exploded #literally years and years of having to deal with so much stress and mental abuse #and me not knowing how to control amd express myself jughyg #i never cried sp much until that moment... i was done with everything vhghjh i literally couldn't handle anything in that moment #eventually dad came and tried to calm me down and mom apologized a lil but it was just htghyfgt #i hate myself i hate that i cant control my emotions at all i hate that im scared that no one cares about me or that im not taken seriously #i need to go now cuz im at uni and i must pretend that nothing happened bhghhgh #idk if i have a future ahead of me im scared of everything idk what to do anymore #delete later #sorry for this rant hyfhyy but im so close to exploding in the uni bathroom my mind cant handle thus gyfhjghhhggggg

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builtfromthesamestar · 2 years

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#yall im so lonely #ive barely been home for 24 hours from college and my mom has already berated me #for what you may ask #not having enough money to pay bills #even though im a double major and worked 2 jobs between every class i could every day #the world fucking sucks and i never see it getting better #my comfort show got fucking cancelled #im too far away from my friends #i cant be myself around my family #and to top it off!! i have no more refills on my antidepressants!! and i havent had the money to get birth control!!#so my emotions are all over the place!!#i seriously contemplated putting myself into a mental facility a few weeks ago #im not doing okay rn #and i spent half of my day in bed today just sleeping or forcing myself to bc im bored and overwhelmed #i fucking hate it here #and i feel like i cant tell my friends this bc i already complain to them enough anyways and i dont and cant morally bother them #so on here it goes #but yeah idk if you read this but thanks for getting through all of it ig #anyways tehe

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perri-berry · 2 months

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straykats · 7 months

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#kats personal #literally want out of this house so bad #like okay yeah maybe bc im talking about myself but i feel like im really taking the brunt of it all #like im trying to maintain every relationship in this house and im doing damage control #and im lying for others or trying to paint them in a better light and i love and yet hate everyone so fucking much #i feel like im the only one who even tries to control their emotions #but for some reason thats even worse bc it really actually hurts so bad #cant be angry because then i'll just be like them #cant be sad bc whats thebpoint in crying #cant be annoyed because thats just a step away from angry #cant want out of the house bc then i'm just avandoning my family #and yet i cant want to stay and fix everything because thats not good for my own wellbeing and if i do that im just repeating ans enabling #cycles to continue and idk i just #like. really want out.#//please dont reply hsjdnsnd but ty if u feel the need to reach out

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rottingsick · 7 months

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I don't like the idea of havin bipolar bc it makes my narc loss of control meltdowns worse. like what do you mean I just have to feel like shit for months on end and there's nothin I can do about it. I thought I was better than this.

#text #rotting #no rb #mine #like not to compare two disorders esp not when the one Im abt to say was easier literally ruined most of my life #but from an overdramatic narcissistic standpoint I feel like bpd is way easier to cope with #like bc there's a trigger there's reasonin for why I think the way I do and how I overreact #and analyzin my patterns of behaviour and bein able to actually convince myself out of feelin a certain way #like I still am somewhat in control I'm just unstable #like by easier to cope with I mean like the aspect of internalizin I have this issue with me #like honest to god I don't want to go to a psych bc I dont want to have bipolar as if that actually changes my reality of my symptoms #also it was easier to ignore and write off any bipolar symptoms when my bpd was extremely severe #like to the point where attempts were on the regular. my emotions would just be volatile #so like general trends of depression and mania were harder to point out with the rapid mood swings in between #I licherally remember child me would say things like 'for a couple months everything would be fine n great and then next three months #everything would just be god awful. and it cycles'#and just thought it couldnt be bipolar and just thought the universe was mean to me or smth #bc again with all the highs and lows muddied everything and i have no emotional permanency #not like any psych would take me seriously tho bc apparently u cant have bipolar and bpd <- lies they tell u bc they hate borderlines #auuughhhhh #and not to be like this but its cooler to be a crazy yan borderline than it is #to be like a depressed sack of shit who suddenly decides theyre god for a couple weeks to a couple months #it also makes me bitter towards that one bipolar bitch who abandoned me bc their depression episode got so bad #like I have no inclination to not be around those I love the most when Im in depression. in fact I want to be around them more #like wow you really didnt give a shit about me now did you. auuuuuuuugggghhhh

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neobisexual · 2 years

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bpd fucking stupid insane will have me deciding my relationship is over and was always doomed for no reason then texting my bf crying like ohmygod i need you im so sorry please love me

#i try so. so hard to not externalize it #but rn i am like. oh so he never loved me because he SUCKS and i hate him wait he did love me but he doesnt because i suck and i hate myself #and i should kill myself wait no i cant kill myself because then hed win and i HATE him no i love him i miss him i want him with me right #now oh god hes not with me does that mean he hates me oh god he hates me i know he hates me & etc and etc so on and so forth for #HOURS. for NO REASON.#well. okay thats a lie my therapist would be disappointed. there is always a reason for an emotion and all emotions are valid #however. sometimes they are disproportionate.#today was rough and im already insecure about that relationship for a number of reasons #some of which are in his or my control many of which are not.#if there are things i want to change i have to discuss with him and make my feelings clear.#but for now— i am responding with more distress than is justified. and i should take some deep breaths #drink some water #and maybe play some guitar #bimbamboom look at me go i feel way better #that easy. ive been crying for an hour and panicking for like three. sheeeeeesh.#anyway im gonna ask him to call for a lil tonight #idk i am. terrrrrified of seeming clingy or annoying. but it is on him to enforce boundaries if i am asking for too much time from him #not my place to assume where his boundaries are for him and preemptively stop myself from spending time with him #awesome. therapy moment

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http-finnick · 1 year

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𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 - 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐫

finnick odiar x fem!reader

summary: after the war, your whereabouts are a mystery left with missing next to it. finnicks days are gloomy without his love as jealous friends burden him.

request: hi I love your finnick stories so much!! i really like reading them ♥️ i saw requests are open an was wondering if you could do a finnick x reader where its after the war and he thinks shes dead but later finds out she’s alive and he’s just happy and excited to plan their life together? thank you ♥️

I dont..miss her. it's strange. I- I want her here it's just..I feel like I've lost something..like I'll find it soon. It'll be in arms reach soon, just...wait. that's all. wait.

"you're grieving. It's denial" his head pops up to see a red-headed woman cross her legs, he almost forgot he was saying that all out loud

"she isn't missing, Finnick, she isn't at arms reach. She's dead." Annie moves her hair behind her ear before resting her head on her hand, staring at his expression, for a reaction to her statement

"some shrink you are." he scoffs, he hates how she's talking. she isn't dead. she cant be.

"...finnick" pity. her tone is pitiful and there's nothing he despises more. he struggles to find logic to support his calm as he fumbles from rage

"no body."

"what?" "no body. no proof. she could be alive" now he stares straight at her. her wide brown eyes flashing a sign of annoyance before being coated with a wave of seriousness.

"we went over this. you need to look at the facts-" "I am. no body." now he's getting defense, how could she say that? wheres her hope? she never gives up on anyone why would she give up on you so quickly?

"you called me a shrink. I'm not. I'm a friend and you need to listen to me as that. mourn her. do it now before you hold onto her forever"

.

she's gone. I know that now. I don't talk about her anymore, annie doesn't like the noise. mostly to myself when I want to reminisce on good memories that just end up with me crying in the bathroom like a pathetic wimp. sometimes I think to talk about her to annie but she just tells me to let go of her. but I can't.

the 5 stages of grief. Annie told me about that. is confusion one? I feel confused.

I sit on the island counter as I hear fabric on fabric, it's the dress of annie swiping against itself as she walks in to check on me.

"hey, you okay?" she leans against the wall, fiery red hair longer than ever as she awaits my answer

"uhh, yeah, yeah." brushing it off as I sit up, she isn't satisfied. he knows but it isn't the time.

"wanna talk about it?" seriously? he can? and to think she hated the noise

"it'd be nice" he answered sniffing slightly as he was already getting emotional

"what's the matter?" she sits down and motions for him to do as well, he hesitates, feeling more in control of the situation by standing and looking away, but, he sits.

"uh, I'm really am missing her a lot more" he watched her chew her cheek and he starts to feel claustrophobic. is he a burden? an annoyance to bring up the past? to dwell so heavily?

"what are you hanging onto so much?" her tone is soft but he knows spitfire when he hears it, he smiles and bites his bottom lip, he knew it was too good to be true.

"what?" shes clueless. utterly clueless and he's about to snap

"no it's just, wow."

"..wow?"

"you tell me to mourn but I'm never allowed to!" he smiles while sitting up, completely done. over her bullshit and looking for a fight

"well, mourning isn't clinging onto things fin." she hits right back, ready to get this over with and go to bed.

"what the hell is wrong with you? I- I have no one to fucking talk to!"

"you aren't here when you talk! you are somewhere else living in the past and you can't hear anyone when they tell you the truth!"

"oh- oh so what this truth?" he pushes her, ready for her to say, daring her to.

"that she's dead and you need to get over that." she strikes for the kill and it fucking hurts. he bites his tongue as she scoffs and tries to form a semi-redeemable apology that he knows he just bullshit

"no. I need you to get the fuck out." he waves his hand mindlessly towards the door as he stares at the floor, feeling blood pool into his mouth from biting his tongue a little too hard

.

two of the most important women are gone from his life and he only has a chance with one of them.

he wears dress pants and a button-up with flowers he picked this morning. he needs at least for this to work out.

he slides the bouquet onto the counter and lets his fingers run through his fluffy locks as he opens the fridge, trying to find some drinks they can have together as he scans the empty cold box.

he throws his head back at the sound of the rippling scream of his phone, he can't deal with post-capitol shit right now.

he swings his feet and grabs the telephone off the wall, stating his name and 'hi' as he waits

a woman chimes in on the other line stating herself and her authority as she starts to say things he doesn't really understand, numbers of times and dates, he doesn't do appointments or capitol press anymore

"wait- wait. I'm sorry, what?"

"for ms.l/n, when will you arrive for her?" he drops the phone as his throat closes up. they found her. they found her. they found her.

her body.

pickup. they want me to come to get her. his knees became weak and he slid to the floor, only now hearing her voice asking for him as it dangled next to his shaking body

he grabs it and puts it up to his ear, his voice cracking as he asks what date, time, and location to...pick her up.

he couldn't help but notice the way she talked about 'ms.l/n' in a slight past tense. he wanted confirmation for the longest time but it was bittersweet knowing she was actually gone. no fuck that. it's bitter it hurts like hell. it feels like the day he found out she was gone and panicked looking for her, though this time actually finding a body. he isn't gonna let Annie's "coping 101" infect his brain now. he is in pain. he feels like he is dying.

his love is gone. It's been months of her gone but now she's gone.

the train ride was silent as he just sat there in shock the whole time. he was lucky enough to get one today. he hopes they are wrong, hoping when he walks in it'll be someone else.

he stumbles into the hospital, telling the nurses about the call and about the woman on the other line. they tell him a room number and he floats there without question.

he notices how the room isn't leading to a morgue but rather a patient room. maybe it's full. maybe they found her with other missing troops.

and turns the door and cracks it open, he can't stop himself to shut his eyes tightly as he hopes shes is in a zipped body bag at least

he opens his eyes right when he walks in.

there. it's you. no doubt.

it's you sitting up. you're alive.

"y-y/n?"

"holy shit finnick..you're all dressed up for me?" how, how could you joke at this time? how can you joke at all? you were dead. he thought you died he-

he sprints towards you and hugs you tightly, tears flowing from his eyes as he smells you, feels you, loves you again

"I- I thought you died.."

"me too" you mumble feeling your own tears slip out as he weeps against you. you're safe.

"I love you, I love you so much" he cries out, not daring to pull away from you but you manage to lift him up just enough to be face-to-face with him. you kissed him softly, his lips familiar and warm

"I love you too"

you're thin and bruised. utterly beaten down by nature as your busted lip smiles at him, and he knows no matter how long you were lost you were the same old you deep down.

"let's get married. let's get married and move anywhere you want." he smiles, thinking of living with you in the meadow, alone, just the two of you.

"woah, next you're gonna say let's make a million babies" you giggle, pretending like you weren't about to say the same thing.

"not quite a million my love but close to it" he laughs and you fall into it as well. wiping your tears with your free hand had only now noticed how hard your other hand was gripping his

"I missed your laugh so much" he sniffs, tears still spilling out as he smiles at you

"I missed everything about you so much" you dip back in to kiss him and he goes right to it, hugging you deeply as he thinks about how soon you'll be his wife. soon he'll be your husband and soon you two will have a life. a real one.

an: I hope this is okay! I added Annie drama on accidentally lmao. I hope I didn't pace it weirdly and I hope I was able to catch how Finnick was feeling at least a little well. like he knew deep down she was alive but he was just mourning her absent presence. I hope you guys enjoyed it! mwah, love you so much!

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akutasoda · 1 month

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i love ur writing so much, i cant hold myself back from requesting <333 this is my first time requesting something !!

i dont really know how to start this but what if the bsd characters (im not picky with them so you can pick any!!) were to meet the reader that has the same personality as Sparkle in Honkai starrail? Sorry if this doesnt make sense-

if u can write this then thank u!! if i requested this at the wrong time then im sorry

a thousand faces

synopsis - when they meet someone that is engrossed in theatrics

includes - yosano, nikolai, jouno, ayatsuji

warnings - gn!reader - based off sparkle, fluff, slight crack, wc - 789

a/n: thank you!! <3 it made perfect sense dw :)

taglist - @vi-chan07

akiko yosano ★↷

↪if she thought ranpo had a thing for dramatic reveals she'd be proven wrong. to her, you clearly had some sort of unhealthy love toward theatrical actions that brought you 'amusement' - so much so that it would the only thing to interest you.

↪ because she wasn't exactly the most out there and amusing person, you saw no business with her but somewhere you must of found something to amuse yourself.

↪she could tell you were unscrupulous. no regard for moral principles, no regard for how much you'd lie and no hesitation to play unfairly. to her that was concerning, nothing good could come from being associated with someone like you.

↪but you were still completely hard to read. never would she expect to understand you thoughts or actions and while that scared her slightly, it also made her more on edge around you. never knowing what you would do next.

nikolai gogol ★↷

↪a master of theatrics such as himself could easily understand another maestro of theatrics. that's what drew him to you and you to him. you both lived for some kind of amusement even though your love for it stemmed deeper than his - afterall he longed for freedom more so.

↪you two would be the equivalent of a clown and an actor. you both had little regard for mortality and would happily play dirty if it meant achieving what you oh so desired - you both lived for the thrill of theatrics and attention.

↪although he could understand your love for amusement, he still couldn't read you. he couldn't tell what you were going to do, say or think - all he could do was understand why you acted so afterwards. but really that made you all the more interesting.

↪you found alot of amusement in nikolai. he was exactly the kind of person that could reflect and different yet mostly familiar side to your usual antics. it was also his dedication to the art of performance that grabbed your attention.

↪you were both equally cunning maestro's of dangeroud theatrics, each for their own reason and goal yet you could still understand one another. afterall the art of performance could be understood by it's accompanying actors. (theatre kids fr)

saigiku jouno ★↷

↪for someone who thought on the side of justice, he was incredibly morally gray. it was that twisted side of him that would lead to him grabbing your attention as you reckoned he would aid to your 'amusement' in his own way.

↪jouno hated the way he couldn't read you - well he couldn't see you but there was something about you that preventing him picking up anything through his senses. some actors can perfect complete control of their body and it's emotions, you were no different.

↪he could tell that you always looked for some way to be extravagant. to seek that amusement through any means necessary, mostly when it's outgoing and attracts the attention of anyone. a part of him wanted to respect that.

↪he could also tell that you were very particulate and only got attracted or engaged in things is if they promised amusement or some form of art of performance.

↪for a while he did find you slightly annoying but he would get used to the way you were rather outgoing and predicament.

yukito ayatsuji ★↷

↪he has met quite the range of characters after solving 50 000 cases as a detective for 20 years. all ranging from enclosed and secluded people to the extravagant outgoing ones who like to run their mouths, but he would have to admit he's never met someone like you.

↪while he could compare you to certain people, they all don't have the same level of dedication you do to theatrics and amusement. because the only thing that grabbed your attention was 'amusement' you tended to ignore him for a while - he wasn't fun in your eyes.

↪but he found you interesting. he couldn't read you at all, couldn't understand why you acted the way you did or even what you could be thinking. the only thing he could tell about you was that you clearly had no moral principles.

↪you could lie and lie or even go back on your words without a minute of trepidation if it meant you received the 'amusement' you wanted. and that interested him - how far would you be willingly to go?

↪he could actually admire your dedication to theatrics - not so much understand but he found it admirable nonetheless.

#x reader #x gender neutral reader #bsd x reader #bsd x gender neutral reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs x you #bsd x you #bsd yosano #yosano x reader #bsd nikolai #nikolai x reader #bsd jouno #jouno x you #jouno x reader #bsd ayatsuji #bsd yukito ayatsuji #yukito ayatsuji x reader #ayatsuji x reader

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gravytrainnaturebornn · 3 months

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the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

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nerves-nebula · 10 months

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Hi um terrible sorry to bother you rn with a maybe loaded question but what would be each turtles biggest concern(?) issue(?) once they leave splinter and like move to the hidden city? I have a decent idea for donnie and leo but have barely have any for raph and absolutely nothing for mikey

This may or may not turn into something im working on for this tmnt iteration

not entirely sure what you mean by concern so I'll try to wrap my head around "issue." but even that's pretty broad, since they have a lot of overlapping issues.

so like, they've all got PTSD. just to get that outta the way. i think ive talked about this before but i cant find those posts sooo here's to hoping i dont contradict myself!

Raph: Raph mostly struggles with figuring out his identity outside of being a protector. he also focuses a lot on trying to remain present (not dissociate) and being more in touch with his bodies needs, as well as his emotional needs. it's hard for him to pick up new hobbies because he can't really tell what he likes?? so that's what hes doing in therapy, trying to figure himself out and learn how to better take care of HIMSELF instead of others. and like, see himself as a person haha.

Mikey: Mikey gets a bit high off of freedom and kind of goes crazy throughout his twenties, lots of sex, parties, magic drugs, normal drugs, he's down for whatever. he's kind of all over the place and he loves it at first but then he realizes it might not be a great way to live for him. he wants to have something to show for his life and work and like, find a community (while still being insane sometimes :>) and he ends up doing a lot of charity work, painting murals, and a bunch of other stuff. eventually he stumbles his way into a tattoo apprenticeship. His whole thing is basically figuring out how to be his own impulse control, with a side of guilt because he feels like he's the "least traumatized" of his brothers (he still has PTSD it just usually shows up differently than in his brothers)

Mikey also really, REALLY hates being called stupid (not as a joke, like if he fucks something up and someone says hes dumb or something). Splinter always said he was the dumbest one of them all and he acts like he doesn't care, BUT HE DO. it really gets under his skin.

Leo: a lotta self hatred on his end tbh. he spends a lot of time as the hidden cities protector trying to atone for his past mistakes. he feels both fragile and like he's walking on eggshells around his brothers because he knows that he's made most of their problems worse. he also feels like what he went through isnt as bad, because splinter liked him the most. so he's got a similar guilt thing going on as Mikey, with the added pressure of feeling like he has to "earn" his place with his brothers, the way he had to "earn" his place as Splinters favorite.

Donnie: Donnie goes to college pretty early into moving into the hidden city, which he's super excited about! he gets into a really bad relationship for like a year or two with Adelaide, and after that just kind of becomes more and more suicidal until he attempts to kill himself. im not actually entirely sure about the timeline here but yeah, he deals with a lot of sexual & relationship trauma as well as self esteem issues (literally only conceives of himself as pathetic and weak), intrusive thoughts, and suicidal ideation.

donnie doesn't feel like he'll ever be good enough for anything, and he resents the people around him for disagreeing because he thinks they're lying to him.

hope that wasnt all too rambly for ya!

#nnstuff #ask #teenage mutant neglected turtles #suicide tw

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dateamonster · 2 months

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Opinions on the parental situations in liar satsuki? On one hand, it’s very pessimistic/realistic in the sense that it’s actually really hard to get rid of bad parents if you don’t have the option of moving out + the parents are more realistically shitty? they’re mad at their kid, want control over their kid, etc?

ive got mixed feelings abt the portrayal satsukis family situation as well as the class reps (sry cant remember her name rn ;;) mostly in the sense that i wish there was more time devoted to rly digging into them. i feel sometimes the narrative comes off as dismissive of abuse or neglect that isnt rooted in the physical.

THAT SAID the portrayal of akiras familial struggles and her backstory in general is one of my favorite aspects of the series. it helps that the question of "should akiras dad have been allowed to live" is one that haunts her and satsukis relationship all throughout the story, but even besides that i find myself really compelled by the way her mother is characterized. ive read a drama manga or two before and i rly expected the resolution to akiras arc to be wrapped up neatly with a "and then it turned out her mom never really wanted to leave her and she loves her so much and now that theyre together everything is fine" type ending, but the reality that akiras mom never wanted to settle down and just isnt a very maternal person in general is in a way more like personally satisfying to me.

i think theres an instinct when u grow up with a shitty parent (whether theyre abusive to the degree akiras dad is or not) to sort of cling to the other parent, or the fantasy of the other parent in the case that theyre not around, regardless of if theyre any more deserving of that affection. its a punch in the gut to watch akira coming to terms with the fact that her mom, while clearly the better and safer of the two and instrumental to getting free of her dads control, isnt really any more of a parent than her dad was. it makes it feel like even more of an emotional triumph when she proclaims to satsuki that she isnt defined by what her dad believes or expects of her, that she has to live for herself regardless of where she came from, because theres definitely a sense that as she says this, its the first time shes really internalized the sentiment.

i feel like even when she truly hated him, the part of living with her dad that weighed heaviest on akira was that there was a part of her that still wanted to understand him and find reason in his actions. even if her situation is far from ideal, it feels very powerful seeing her choose to leave an abusive home, knowing that living with her mom likely wont offer any better protection or guidance, but choosing to go anyway because in doing so she is choosing herself.

it gives a real feeling of "no one came to save you when you needed it, and no one is coming to save you now, but thats okay because now you know what you need to do to save yourself". its emotional shit!

#ask #liar satsuki can see death #spoilers #abuse m

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yuri-for-businesswomen · 4 months

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hi again, I’m the anon who asked if I can ramble.

first off I just want to say thank you, you are very kind to each person who’s in your inbox and you are so incredibly smart. I wish you all the best in the upcoming year.

so, I have this problem - I get infatuated my men very quickly, even if I see them just one time and don’t talk to them. I’ve been in radical feminism for over 2 years now and thankfully, this problem has become less of a headache for me now. I’m very thankful to radfem for it. but still, just when I think I’m finally free from my obsession with guys, it starts again, every half a year or so. In summer I was obsessing with this one barista, I even initiated a conversation with him and asked for his number. I was very conflicted, because with a sober head I understood, that I don’t even like him. but it as a time when my dog died, I was highly apathetic and emotional. and I just kept fantasising about him.

and this is the core of the problem for me, I just keep imagining various romantic scenarios with guys. it started when I was an early teen. and the thing is, I don’t want to think about all that. I can’t seem to stop. it feels out of my control, it exhausts and haunts me, because who am I if I can’t even control my own thoughts ?? I don’t want to be romantically involved with these guys, but my brain seems to demand me I get infatuated with them.

and I’m getting reminded of that again, because there is again this one guy. also, so I don’t forget to mention. most of the time, the guys I’m getting obsessed over are ugly. like, literally. I’m seeing it with my sober head. but when I enter this state I don’t seem to notice it. I understand it’s because it feels safer this way, “crushing” on a guy who’s uglier.

I also understand partially where’s the root of a problem hides. I had an abusive and neglectful father. plus societal expectations. plus all of these romance movies and tropes, which most girls consume from an early stage of childhood. but I also had an abusive mother. and I don’t get this sort of thing with women. (Im bisexual). around a month ago I was questioning my bisexuality very hard, since I get so little crushes on women. but then I feel hard for one. It felt so freeing. finally getting real butterflies because of a real feeling towards a woman. not I man whom I imagined in my head. the thing is, I can’t even say I’m crushing hard on men. It doesn’t seem like a crush, it seems like an obsession.

I can’t even talk about it with my friends, since it seems batshit insane. but for these couple of days I had almost non stop intrusive romantic thoughts and imaginary scenarios with this one guy. and Jesus Christ, I’ve seen him for the second time yesterday, and I felt nothing towards him. but when I got home, the thoughts resumed. so much so that I didn’t know where to put myself. I even searched up his socials and thought of various plans of getting to talk to him more. but I don’t want to!!!! what the actual hell. I really don’t know how to stop it. these thoughts really plague my mind and scares me very much.

thank you again if you read all of that. you are a wonderful person.

hello, are you me?! it has gotten a bit better with age but i still get these weird obsessions (obsessions, not crushes as you fittingly put it) and start daydreaming about them meeting my parents and us marrying (i want neither of these things?!). im bisexual too and its more with men than women, i think for similar reasons as you, neglectful parents and being raised by the tv which promotes these (hetero) romantic ideas. the daydreaming doesnt bother me that much but i hate that i have issues acting normal around those people and also focus on my looks more. does it also lead to bad decisions? because if it doesnt i wouldnt worry too much about it. daydreaming can be comfort. looking up someones socials or asking for a number is also not that bad albeit i deeply understand it starts to get to you when you cant turn it off and it feels almost compulsory (had this too, i have concocted and partly realised some weird shenanigans to get closer to my obsession). since i really relate to this i can imagine you like me have made dumb and regretful decisions because of this in the past as you already sketched out.

how old are you? because for me it has definitely gotten better with age and also with dating more. i always felt like i was „behind“ my peers when it comes to being romantically involved with people and the older i got the less worried i was. radical feminism helped a lot too to see that this doesnt make me any less valuable. sorry im talking a lot about myself here but i just relate a lot! overall i dont think the obsessions are much to worry about but with everything you have shared i would say there are probably some deeper issues you have to work through (no shade the same applies to me). have you ever been in therapy or considered going? that might be a good start. and honestly talk to your friends about it. its not that weird! i have a friend who rejoices in my obsession stories and it has helped me feel better about it.

i hope this was any help to you, youre more than welcome to drop into my inbox again or send me a direct message!

#ask

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