#i haven't read anything but academic text in months

[bibxrbie]

Wanting to be an academic, but academia wants me dead.

#i haven't read anything but academic text in months #dark academia but the darkness is the active murder it's threatening me with #the editing!!! ya'll the editing is taking years of my life #university is a scam! i thought it would be like the books and movies and shows #i show up in my aesthetic clothes and artfully styled hair and thrive all while maintaining a relationship with an older sporty woman #academia #dark academia #classicist #ancient roman history #ancient greek

[bgomtori]

☆ consume - c.bg

synopsis - you have a major exam coming up, after realising that you've been neglecting your health, beomgyu decides to step in.

-> beomgyu x reader

-> established relationship, high school au!

-> warnings! yn kinda starves herself and beats herself up for not remembering anything :( , pressure from studies, mental breakdowns and burnouts. yn is kind off a studies>you typa girl.

-> note! im having a big exam coming up soon, 'm extremely anxious.. so i kinda wanna write this to relieve somw stress :)

pressure, high standards, academic validation, from your parents, teachers and even yourself were taking a toll on you. staying coped up in your room for weeks, drowning yourself in revision notes, study guides, and past year papers. one may think that you were insane for being able to sit by your desk for such long hours, you thought the same too, but anything for your parents to tell you that they were proud of your achievements, anything to make yourself satisfied with yourself.

hours of cramming notes, and self study was definitely not easy. you'd often find yourself placing your phone under your pillow, preventing yourself from getting distracted by any notification from your friends or boyfriend. it wasn't any better, you'd often skip meals, your parents were usually out till late into the night, making it easier for you since no one forced you out of the room to eat. of course you'd take showers, make yourself refreshed before continuing your long study sessions, snacking on a few energy bars and drinks to pull all nighters to finish a chapter or subject. it was definitely not healthy, but this was like a routine for you when the year end exams were nearing.

you wouldn't be surprised if you arrived at school to see a panicked beomgyu standing by your lockers, glancing at his phone every now and then, wondering why you haven't replied to his calls or texts, he had a brief idea why, but he needed confirmation. you greeted him as per usual, your signature bright smile appearing on your lips, yet why does your eyes still look so tired? beomgyu's face was perplexed, were you staying up again.

"why haven't you replied my messages or calls yn?" beomgyu raised his eyebrows, you looked at him in confusion, switching on your phone to see 38 messages and 7 missed calls from beomgyu. you chuckled, wiping your sweaty palms against your shirt.

"i kinda turned off my phone, and placed it under my pillow so i wouldn't get distracted.. sorry." you apologised, feeling guilty, all beomgyu did was want to care for you, yet you're placing your studies over him. beomgyu sighed, combing his hair through his slender fingers, "i'm just worried for you yn.." his pout made you giggle, your hand patting beomgyu's squishy cheeks in reassurance, "i'll be alright."

"oh right, i'm staying back after school, one on one session with my teacher so you don't need to wait for me 'kay?" you informed, interlocking your arm to beomgyu's as you walked down the crowded hallway. beomgyu hummed in response to you, giving you a chaste kiss on your lips. "i'll see you in your classroom later." beomgyu bidded you goodbye, leaving you to make your way to your seat. scrolling on your phone, you read the messages your friends sent you, replying to all of them, apologising for worrying them so much.

"yn!" hanni called out, dragging a seat towards your desk, the scratchy sound against the floor tiles made you flinch in disgust. "what is it hanni." you replied, freezing at the sudden physical contact of her hugging you like a koala.

"you're not burning the midnight oil again right." hanni grumbled, removing herself from your shoulders. you shook your head, in hopes that she'd believe you. "lies! i know you all too well yn, this month is where you constantly shove your face in textbooks and study guides!" hanni basically shouted for the whole class to hear. you had to quickly shut her up by cupping your hand around her mouth.

"fine, you got me, but it's not like i'll die.." you whispered out the last part, making her gasp dramatically. you shushed her again, placing your index finger on your lips. "you need to take care of yourself yn, i don't want to see a repeat of last year ever again!" hanni nagged, similar to your mother, folding her arms as well. you felt yourself laugh nervously, you knew that you were slowly crawling back into the dark hole that you always find yourself in whenever the final exam season was soon.

classes went by slowly, you found yourself zoning out, bopping your head due to fatigue, you should have bought an energy drink during lunch earlier. after what seemed like hours, you last class was over, students from your class immediately left once the teacher dismissed them, you stayed put, waiting for everyone to leave while you slowly walked towards your teacher.

"sorry for troubling you ms lee.. but i really want to do well this year." you bowed, taking a seat infront of her. she shook her head, "you're fine yn, i can see that you're putting in the effort, that's what i'm proud of." you felt yourself grow speechless, the few words that you've been wanting to hear from your parents came out of your teacher's mouth instead. you didn't know what to do or say, you gave her a quick smile before you two started your little tutoring session.

"you're doing just fine my dear, you'll do just as well for the upcoming end-of-years." ms lee patted your shoulder, ushering you towards the classroom door. you bowed, bidding her goodbye. a sudden wave of negative thoughts started crashing over you, why? you didn't want to grow attached to a teacher that gave you the care and concern your parents should have given, along with the thoughts of you wanting to do extremely well for ms lee, for yourself, and even your parents even if it did nothing. you just didn't want anyone to be disappointed in you. you plugged in your earphones to cancel out your overpowering thoughts, blasting your shared playlist with beomgyu.

ynn ★: i just ended, going home rn..

ynn ★: wyd?

gyu :> : taking a break from revision, kinda lazy today

gyu :> : it's getting late, go home safely mkay? i love you

ynn ★: i love you too gyu :)

he was so sweet to you, you didn't deserve this especially how you were treating him. you prioritised your studies over him, hence not giving him the same amount of attention. you unlocked your front door, immediately heading into your room to start work. you showered, did your facial routine, and turned on your nightlamp. your table was messy, filled with all, notebooks, textbooks, loose practice papers, and stationary. you groaned, you weren't feeling like it, but you couldn't stop. you knew that you'd regret it.

each word you wrote looked like scribbles, you spelt things wrong. why wasn't anything going your way right now? why is your mind going haywire, was it because of earlier? tears pricked your eyes, you couldn't do this anymore, you felt overwhelmed from everything, mentally exhausted in general. you slapped your face, in hopes that you'd stop crying but it continued, you were breaking down, losing complete control of your feelings. first time after a year, sure you've cried many times this year, and past years, however, this felt like your worst one yet.

you quickly picked up your phone, you wanted beomgyu, you needed him to console you. hitting the call button, your fingers were trembling, soft pleas coming out of your mouth for him to hurry up.

"yn?" his voice called out, it was rare for you to call him so suddenly. you sniffled, bringing your phone's mic towards your lips, "please, come over.. you have my keys, just come please gyu." you stuttered, unable to speak properly due to how dry your throat was. you could hear from beomgyu's end how frantic he was, him grabbing his keys to dashing out of his house. "i'll be there in 3, please wait yn." you hummed, ending the call. you replied beomgyu's messages, his attempt to keep you distracted, but your thoughts were too overpowering, you continued sobbing, your fingers digging into your thighs, scratching them from time to time.

"yn." beomgyu whispered, closing your bedroom door, locking it just in case your parents suddenly came home, and saw you in this state. you hiccuped, turning towards him, beomgyu looked at you with concern, this was the first time he has seen you like this after a long time. he gave you his hoodie that he knew gave you comfort, before pulling you into a tight embrace. you continued crying on his shoulder, probably making a wet mess on his shirt right now, but beomgyu didn't care. beomgyu's fingers rubbed the back of your head, whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

"you're okay now yn, it's alright. let it all out." beomgyu mumbled, his soothing, calming voice, making you feel less like shit. you felt yourself slowly easing up, pulling away from beomgyu's comfortable shoulder. beomgyu took a piece of tissue from the box at the corner of your desk, blowing your nose for you, his thumb wiping away the single tear falling from your face.

"let's lay in bed, i'll make you some instant ramen alright?" beomgyu rubbed your cheek, before aidding you towards your bed, he made sure that you were comfortable before he went to your kitchen to prepare some samyang, your favourite. you laid there on your bed, scrolling on your phone, still suffering with a stuffed nose, but you could smell beomgyu's scent on the hoodie he gave you, consoling your thoughts.

the aroma of the spicy carbonara samyang filled your nostrils, making you sit up. you grabbed the bowl beomgyu passed to you, slurping it up to your heart's content. "nice?" beomgyu asked, sitting on the edge of your bed, his head propped his head onto the palm of his hand, watching you with gentle eyes. you nodded your head, chewing on the cheesy noodles. you twirled the noodles around the chopsticks, tilting them towards beomgyu, wanting him to eat them. beomgyu took a big bite, savouring the creamy, spicy sensation of the noodles.

"i think i should be a chef." beomgyu joked, trying to make you feel better. you giggled, placing the empty bowl on the nightstand next to your bed. you signalled beomgyu to lay next to you, wanting to cuddle with him in bed. beomgyu obliged, allowing you to nuzzle into the crook of his neck, the vibration of his humming, made you feel relaxed. your body was practically on top of beomgyu, while you cling onto him like your life depended on it. you looked up to stare at beomgyu, through your fluttering eyelashes, giving his jaw a chaste kiss.

"hm?" beomgyu hummed, using his free hand to stroke your soft hair, you pouted slightly, still snifflinf a little from your breakdown. your fingers laced around his as he used his thumb to rub your knuckles gently, assuring your that everything is in control now.

"i love you beom." you muttered, loud enough for him to hear, "i'm sorry for suddenly worrying you, i don't know, my first instinct was to call you." you rambled, apologising for being such a burden to him, you felt tears slowly welling up in your eyes again. you said whatever concerned was distracting you, letting out a few tears.

"it's just so tiring to try to make everyone around me proud of me when no one even cares, not even my parents. at this point i'm doing it for myself, for my own validation, but i can't see any improvement, or just something that i can take pride in." you choked out, full on ranting to beomgyu while he stayed quiet, rubbing your hand in small circular motions. his eyes stayed on your figure, making sure that you know he's listening to you with all ears.

"i'm sorry if i'm ever a bad girlfriend to you, you give me so much attention, love, and care, but i can't seem to reciprocrate it, i love you so much, but i don't know how to prove that to you.. i'm afraid that'll you'll leave me for someone better, someone that'll shower you with affection." you apologised, reasoning yourself. beomgyu's eyebrows were knitted together, how could you say that? you were the best thing that happened in his life.

"yn, you know i don't care if you don't provide me the same amount of adoration or anything, as long as i know that you're okay, and that you're still here to stay by my side. then that's all i ask for. i'm honest." beomgyu carressed your cheek, while your lips trembled, your eyes glossy, blinking back the tears threathening to fall out. beomgyu's plump lips curled up, pecking your lips.

"just don't overwork yourself, i hate seeing you like this, you make me worried." beomgyu warned, you slightly chuckled, "i'll try to improve myself for you gyu." reassuring him.

#txt beomgyu #txt scenarios #beomgyu fluff #beomgyu scenarios #beomgyu x reader #beomgyu #txt imagines #txt fanfic #beomgyu soft hours #beomgyu imagines #txt imagine #txt reactions #txt

[dystopicjumpsuit]

Martyrs and Kings AND ZOMBIES!!!

A/N: I'm so excited to share this spooky, sexy one-shot sequel to Martyrs and Kings! I've been planning this fic for months, and I hope y'all love it. Quick note: obviously, this fic contains spoilers for M&K; however, it was beta-read by my partner who has not (yet) read the original fic, and they said it worked as a stand-alone story, so if you haven't read M&K yet and don't mind spoilers, read on!

This fic is dedicated to the amazing @clonemedickix in gratitude for all the love and support that you've shown me and so many others in the fandom. Thank you so much for everything you do, and particularly thank you for your feedback on the field medicine. You are a rock star!

One final caveat: I am a horror wimp, but I did my best. Please don't expect Stephen King 💜

Pairing: Post-stasis Kix x OFC Dr. Maree Finnall

Rating: M (minors DNI)

Wordcount: 5k (this just made M&K 10% longer lol)

Warnings and tags: peril; suspense; violence; blood and injury; gore; medical procedures; adult language; SMUT; oral sex; face-sitting; Kix activating my competence kink like no other. IMPORTANT: an additional content warning is listed at the end of the fic due to spoilers. If you have triggers, please check the end of the fic for the BOLD PINK TEXT before reading.

Summary: The crew of the Meson Martinet goes after the score of a lifetime and discover that they may have bitten off more than they can chew.

Suggested listening:

Martyrs and Kings chapter 1 | Masterlist | Sign up for my tag list

“B1.5-series battle droids are a myth,” Kix said firmly. “You’re wasting your time.”

“The good doctor doesn’t share your opinion,” Quiggold argued.

Sidon Ithano, as usual, said nothing, his crimson helmet swiveling slowly toward Maree. Kix turned to her as well, his jaw set, his eyes full of confidence that she would back him up. Kriff it. She absolutely hated being caught in the middle of this argument.

She cleared her throat. “There’s… some debate in the academic community about their existence, actually. If they ever were created, they were never deployed at any recorded battle—and it’s a good thing, too.”

“Why is that, exactly?” Reeg Brosna asked.

He was sprawled on the bench of the dinette, his arm draped around Orys Brenko as the research assistant perked up immediately.

“Is it true that they used nanodroids to retrofit original B1-series droids?” Brenko asked, his face flushing dark green with excitement.

“That is one theory,” Maree said circumspectly, keenly aware of Kix’s scrutiny. “According to contemporary sources—and noting that those sources are unreliable at best—the B1.5s had significantly upgraded blaster resistance. There was another rumor as well, even less credible.”

“What rumor?” Reveth interrupted, leaning forward over the table, drawing Ithano’s attention subtly.

“They said the B1.5s could keep going even if you blasted their processors,” Kix cut in before Maree could reply. “It was a stupid story the commandos made up to scare the shinies.”

“But what if it wasn’t?” Brosna asked. “Indestructible battle droids? They’d be worth a fortune.”

“Even if they don’t exist, the haul from a Techno Union stronghold could set us up for life,” Reveth pointed out. “I say we go after it.”

Squeaky grunted his agreement, predictably. The Gamorrean was always guaranteed to follow the pretty Twi’lek’s lead. Reveth could have suggested a nude spacewalk, and Squeaky would have thought it was a grand idea. Brosna and Brenko voted in favor as well. Kix voted against, and Maree did as well, purely out of solidarity. Privately, she was consumed with curiosity about the B1.5s, and she couldn’t deny that the possibility of such a groundbreaking discovery was alluring in the extreme.

Quiggold voted in favor, and Ithano abstained, and so it was decided: the crew would send a team to scout the Techno Union stronghold, and if they found anything worthwhile, the rest of Ithano’s small fleet would join them.

“We’re gonna need your expertise, Doc,” Reveth said to Maree. 

“Absolutely not,” Kix snapped.

Maree glanced at him in surprise. It was unlike him to try to overrule her choice, and she didn’t care for it. “Reveth is right, Kix. I’ll be able to identify the highest-value items, and I have a good idea of what’s in demand.”

Kix looked away, clearly unhappy, but recognizing that he’d overstepped. “Fine. But if you’re going, I’m going, too.”

“We’ll need you to stay and command the fleet from the Scorpion while the captain is away,” Quiggold interjected.

“Fuck that,” Kix growled. “Brosna is my first mate—he can take command from the Scorpion. When it comes to Maree’s safety, I outrank everyone on this ship.”

“Brosna doesn’t have the experience—” Quiggold began.

“Agreed,” Ithano said, his deep voice cutting through the buzz of conversation and debate in the Martinet’s galley. “Quiggold, command the fleet from the Martinet. Brosna, take the Scorpion. Reveth, Squeaky, you’re with us.”

The captain’s decision was final, and within a few hours, Kix, Maree, Reveth, Squeaky, and Ithano had boarded the Scorpion’s shuttle Stinger and departed for the desolate moon where the Techno Union base had sat untouched for over fifty years.

“Fifty credits says we find nothing,” Kix said.

“I’ll take that bet,” Reveth replied.

Squeaky grunted his agreement. Ithano said nothing.

“Maree, you want in on this action?” Reveth asked.

“Kix and I have a private bet on the side,” Maree said with a mischievous twinkle as Kix shot her an inscrutable look.

Reveth smirked. “Sounds like fun.”

“Oh, it will be,” Maree replied. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of crimson as Ithano moved through the shuttle. On impulse, she leaned in and whispered in Reveth’s ear cone.

Reveth’s eyes widened as her mechanical hand instinctively settled on Maree’s waist. “Damn. You and Kix want a third for that?”

Ithano’s helmet whipped to the side as he suddenly became very interested in the conversation. Maree suppressed a laugh.

“What do you think, Kix?” Maree asked with faux innocence. “Can Reveth play with us?”

Kix eyed her with a perfectly neutral expression that warned Maree he knew exactly what she was up to. “You gotta win that bet if you want to call the shots.”

“You’re on,” Maree replied immediately.

Ithano’s helmet swiveled from Maree, to Reveth, to Kix, and back to Reveth, but he said nothing. Kix merely turned back to the navigation controls and continued to pilot the shuttle toward their destination.

The old Techno Union stronghold was on a remote, swampy moon, and the dense vegetation had grown thickly over the past five decades. Kix was forced to set the shuttle down several klicks from the decrepit base. He didn’t like it. He didn’t kriffing like any of this. It was too far; they’d be too exposed; their progress would be too slow in the mud. He glanced at Maree and felt his anxiety spike.

How the kark am I supposed to protect her out there?

He double-checked her gear as she suited up, adjusting the fit of her holster for a quicker draw. He quickly inspected her blaster before handing it to her.

“What’s going on?” she asked quietly. “You’re on edge.”

He shook his head. “I don’t have a good feeling about this mission.”

“It’s not the first time we’ve gone into one of these old strongholds,” she pointed out. “We’ll be okay.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. Just… Keep your eyes open.”

“I will,” she promised. “And I know you’ll watch my back. Just like I’ll watch yours.”

He traced his fingertips along her jaw as he pulled her closer to himself. He couldn’t feel her soft warmth through his armor, but her nearness felt comforting regardless. He kissed her gently, threading his fingers through the hair that she wore in loose braids. 

She looked so different now than she had the first time he’d met her two years earlier; her elegant wardrobe replaced with sturdy, practical clothing meant to withstand rough field work and the occasional blaster fight. But underneath, she still smelled like tea and honey and home. She was still the same—still his Maree.

“If you’re finished sucking the lips off her face, can we get going?” Reveth teased. “Droids aren’t gonna find themselves.”

Despite Kix’s misgivings, the trek to the derelict base was uneventful. Squeaky stayed with the shuttle in case they needed a quick extraction, while Ithano, Reveth, and Maree hacked their way through the underbrush along with Kix. It was slow going, and the swamp was creepy as hell, but eventually they made it to the plastcrete and durasteel structure.

There was no power to the base, so they cut their way through the sealed exterior blast doors. Once inside, the group fell silent as they made their way through the dusty, cobwebbed hallways. The base was pitch black inside, illuminated only by their own torches, and once again, Kix felt the simmering anxiety in his gut begin to roil.

“Something’s been living in here,” Reveth muttered, training the beam of her flashlight on a tangle of debris that was unmistakably a nest for something… large.

Kix didn’t respond, but he reached out and pulled Maree closer to himself, then drew one of his DC-17s. Ithano brought up the rear, his blaster rifle ready.

“Control center should be just ahead,” Maree whispered. “Reveth might be able to restore power from there.”

“We’ll be karked if she can’t,” Kix replied quietly.

“Happy thoughts, Kix,” Maree murmured.

Right. Happy thoughts. Spiced biscuits. Unlimited bacta. Maree’s tits. More credits than I’ve ever seen in my life. The Scorpion. Weapons caches. Maree’s thighs. Maree’s thighs on my shoulders. Maree’s thighs framing my face while she rides—uh, weapons caches.

“Control center,” Reveth called under her breath as she reached a sealed doorway.

They pried it open enough to squeeze through. Kix went first, sweeping his light across the room as he scanned for threats. Reveth followed, then Maree and Ithano. Reveth headed straight for the control console and plugged in her small power unit and began to fiddle with the controls.

“Happy thoughts,” Kix mumbled, returning to the doorway to keep watch over the pitch-dark corridor.

Within a few moments, Reveth let out a quiet, triumphant huff as the control console flickered to life, dimly illuminating the room. She went to work immediately, interfacing her datapad with the ancient console.

“Damn. Main power cells are depleted,” she said. “I’ll try to at least get emergency lighting turned on.”

“Why would the power be depleted if the base has been abandoned for decades?” Maree asked. “The Techno Union had extraordinarily advanced power cells that were capable of storing energy far longer.”

“Unless something used it,” Reveth said.

Kix swiveled his head to stare at the Twi’lek.

“Like what?” he bit out.

She shrugged. “Dunno. But we might find out as soon as I get the data decrypted.”

A distant, deep hum sounded, and red light flickered on throughout the base.

“Nicely done,” Maree told Reveth.

“Let’s get the data and get the kriff out of here,” Kix growled, hating every minute of their time in the farking spooky base.

“Working on it,” Reveth snapped. “Think you can do it faster?”

Ithano glanced between Kix and Reveth, then moved to join Kix at the doorway, blaster rifle raised. “What is it?”

“Not sure,” Kix replied quietly. “Something doesn’t feel right.”

Ever reticent, Ithano merely nodded and took up position across from him. Kix nodded in silent gratitude that the pirate captain didn’t question his instincts. Then again, the Crimson Corsair hadn’t survived this long by ignoring his gut. 

Kix’s eyes darted to Maree again. She leaned over the console, scrolling rapidly through the data files, searching for any hint of the information they sought. He turned back toward the hallway, his eyes scanning it watchfully.

“No kriffin’ way,” Maree gasped.

“What?” Kix and Reveth demanded in unison.

“You just lost a bet, my love,” Maree told Kix.

“Wait, really?” Reveth asked. “It’s real?”

“‘Project Ophio,’” Maree read, her voice low and hurried. “Principal investigator Vamb Tebrem. Project number T327H1138X99. Primary focus of study is to develop experimental NM-K reconstitutors with the purpose of enhancing the durability and combat acumen of extant B-1 series assets…” Her voice trailed off as she leaned closer to the console, flicking through the data hurriedly. “Project director reported a 62% success rate in the initial efficacy trial; however the experimental reconstitutors were prohibitively expensive to manufacture, and the unpredictability observed in field tests was not adequately resolved—what field tests?”

“You catch any of that?” Reveth asked Kix.

He shrugged. Maree’s voice had dropped to an inaudible murmur as she scrolled through the data, then opened another data file. A quiet chime sounded from the console, drawing Reveth’s attention.

A glowing hologram appeared over the console: wave after wave of battle droids locked in combat a group of clone commandos who should have been able to easily defeat the B-1s. But the droids just kept going. Nothing could stop their advance as they overwhelmed the commandos’ positions and tore them to pieces. Kix swallowed hard, hearing the screams of the dying commandos, unable to take his eyes off the hologram. Maree slapped a button on the console and the sound paused abruptly as the holo froze.

“Holy kark,” she breathed.

“What?” Reveth asked. “Is that not normal?”

“No,” Kix said grimly. “We need to get out of here.”

“Uh, about that…” Reveth said.

Ithano swiveled his head toward the Twi’lek. “What?”

“Opening that holofile triggered an alert in the system,” Reveth said. “Hopefully it’s nothing?”

“Time to go,” Kix growled.

“Yeah,” Maree said, her voice shaky. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

“At least let me download the records,” Reveth argued, jamming a data spike into the console.

They all froze as a distant but unmistakable crash echoed through the base, followed by a rhythmic thumping.

“What is that?” Maree whispered.

“Clankers,” Kix said grimly, drawing his second blaster. “Seal the blast doors.”

“We’ll be trapped in here!” Reveth objected.

Maree stared at Kix. “Can’t we make it out before—”

A light flashed, and her body jerked as a blaster bolt smashed into her. She went down hard, and Kix barely had time to register what was happening before a firestorm of blaster bolts exploded into the room. He whirled back to the entrance and returned fire at the wave of battle droids that was advancing at high speed toward his position. Ithano was firing as fast as he could, but the droids weren’t dropping.

“Get those kriffing doors sealed!” Ithano bellowed.

Reveth had ducked down behind the console for cover as Maree scrambled to join her out of the line of fire. Reveth frantically worked the controls from her position on the floor, but she wasn’t fast enough. A single droid made it through before the doors slammed shut. The clanking and pounding of the army of droids battering against the blast doors was deafening. The lone battle droid charged across the command center.

“Kill it!” Kix shouted. “Fuckin’ kill it!”

Reveth, Ithano, and Kix unleashed a torrent of blaster bolts, but the karking thing wouldn’t go down, even as its components began to fail and fly off its body. It was headed for the console. It was headed toward Maree. Desperately, Kix launched himself at its mangled, skeletal form, tackling it as he locked his arms around and tore its head off with a sickening screech of twisting metal.

But the fucking thing kept moving, shambling toward the console. Kix growled and yanked out his vibroblade, slashing through the droid’s joints until nothing remained but a pile of scrap, and then he sprinted toward Maree, launching himself over the control console. 

“Maree!” Kix yelled hoarsely.

Her face was sweaty and contorted with pain as she clutched her hand around her upper arm, but she gave him a tight smile. “I’m all right.”

The blaster hole in her jacket sleeve was still smoking, and Kix felt sick as he saw blood covering her hand, oozing from a wound that should have been cauterized by the plasma bolt. 

“Let me see,” he ordered. 

She moved her hand, and he cut the sleeve away quickly, adrenaline coursing through his veins. Oh, fuck, it’s bad. It’s bad, and I don’t have my kit.

“We have to get out of here,” Reveth rasped.

Kix dug frantically through his pouches, finding only a few small bacta patches and a vial of spray bandage. He didn’t have a choice. It would have to do, at least until they could make it back to the Stinger. 

He shoved the jacket sleeve and vibroblade toward Reveth. “Cut that into strips. Wide ones.”

He drenched the blaster wound with spray bandage, then grabbed the first strip Reveth cut from the jacket sleeve and quickly tied it around Maree’s arm near her shoulder. “Do you have a stylus on you?”

“Always,” Maree said, her voice tense with pain. She pulled the stylus out of her pocket and handed it to him, carefully avoiding looking at the charred, bloody wound. “Why is it bleeding so much?”

Kix tied the ends of the cloth strip around the stylus and twisted to tighten the makeshift tourniquet, securing it as he replied in an artificially calm tone. “Sometimes it happens. Move just wrong—the cauterized scab opens—blood.”

He ripped open the bacta patches and arranged them carefully over the injury, covering it as well as he could before wrapping the rest of the fabric strips around them to secure them in place. Finally, he looked up into her eyes, inadvertently smearing her own blood on her cheek as he cupped her face.

“I’m not losing you today.” His words were firm, but tremor in his hands was undeniable, and his pulse thundered in his ears.

She smiled at him through dry, ashen lips, and he kissed her forehead, then helped her carefully to her feet. Reveth had pulled up a schematic of the base, and Ithano joined them at the console, pausing to squeeze Kix’s shoulder briefly.

“We don’t die so easily,” the captain said in his deep, rasping voice.

“Not today, anyway,” Reveth cut in. “I found an escape route.”

“Please tell me it’s not the ventilation shaft,” Maree said unsteadily.

“It’s always the ventilation shaft,” Reveth replied.

Maree’s shoulder screamed with agony as she crawled through the ventilation shaft. She gritted her teeth to hold back the whimper of pain that hovered at the base of her throat. The ventilation shaft was filthy and cramped, and their progress was torturously slow as they navigated as silently as possible to their destination. The conduit wouldn’t take them all the way out of the base, so they would have to make a run for the main entrance when they got close. The only way they stood a chance of escaping was to not draw the attention of the battle droids.

She followed Kix through the labyrinthine ductwork, crawling laboriously on her knees and one hand. Her injured arm had burned like fire when Kix first applied the tourniquet, but now her arm was completely numb—and equally useless. At last, they found the access hatch to the main corridor. Kix dropped down first, and then Maree realized exactly how difficult this was going to be with only one functional arm. 

“Just drop,” he whispered. “I’ll catch you.”

She took a deep breath and slid out of the maintenance hatch, feet first. Panic flashed in her mind briefly as she plummeted through the air, but Kix was true to his word, catching her before she could hit the ground. He set her down quickly and checked to make sure her bandage was still in place as first Reveth and then Ithano dropped down into the corridor.

They sprinted for the exit. Maree’s lungs burned and her vision blurred around the edges as she gasped for breath. Kix looked back at her sharply and reached for her hand, dragging her along behind him. By some miracle, the droids hadn’t detected them yet, and she could see the main entrance of the base. She forced herself to keep running, even as she stumbled and nearly went down, kept upright only by Kix’s strong grasp.

He tugged her arm over his shoulder and wrapped his arm around her waist to support her, but he didn’t slow his pace. “We have to keep going, love. We can’t stop now.”

“I know,” she wheezed. “So close…”

She could hear the clanking of droids behind them, and she pushed herself as hard as she ever had in her life to keep running. They cleared the entrance, and Reveth tossed a few magnetized thermal detonators onto the ceiling of the base. 

Keep running, don’t stop, keep going.

The explosion knocked them off their feet, but the rubble of the collapsed ceiling blocked the main entrance. It wouldn’t hold back the droids for long, but it bought them time—so long as they kept moving. Kix was up first, pulling Maree with him as Reveth and Ithano scrambled to their feet.

They ran for the trees as Reveth commed Squeaky. “We need a pickup, now!”

“He can’t get to us in the jungle!” Kix said. “We have to find a clearing where the shuttle can land.”

They dodged through the trees, trying to avoid the worst of the swampy ground, but the dense underbrush slowed their progress and steered them on a circuitous route. Out of the corner of her eye, Maree saw movement in the earth. The ground shifted and began to swell.

“What the kriff is that?” she demanded.

“Keep running, don’t look back,” Kix urged.

“No, what is that?” she repeated.

She saw a flash of pale, bonelike metal alloy, and then a battle droid erupted from the earth.

“Fuck!” she screamed.

All around them, the skeletal forms of B1.5 droids began to emerge from the swampy ground, punching their way to the surface and dragging themselves up from the mud. Kix released Maree and drew both of his blasters, opening fire without hesitation. Maree, Reveth, and Ithano followed suit, for all the good it did them. The droids simply wouldn’t go down; even if they took so many hits that they started to fall apart, they still somehow shambled on in a grotesque parody of their normal precise movement.

They had no choice but to keep running and hope that they could at least slow some of the droids down. She could hear the roar of the shuttle overhead, but the vegetation was too dense for Squeaky to pick them up. The Gamorrean’s indistinct, frantic squealing sounded from Reveth’s comlink.

“He said there’s a clearing about a klick southwest!” Reveth yelled.

It might as well be on the other side of the planet, Maree thought hopelessly. There were simply too many droids; they were advancing relentlessly, and the terrain was too hostile to cross it with any speed. Holy shit, we’re all going to die here.

Her mind darted to the holorecord of the field test—a kriffing gruesome euphemism for such carnage. It had been a complete massacre. The terrified screams of the commandos as the droids tore them to pieces; the spray of blood and viscera: the images were branded irrevocably in her memory. It was a horrific way to die, and they were about to find out firsthand. 

Panic clawed at her, closing her throat and making her shots go wild. Her legs felt sluggish, and her feet became unsteady, but Kix never let her fall, even as he fired ceaselessly at the pursuing droids.

“We’re almost there,” he grunted. “Keep running, sweetheart, you can do it.”

“Kix, go,” Ithano ordered. “Get her to the Stinger.”

“No!” Maree exclaimed. “We’re not leaving you!”

Kix ignored her protests, bending over and tossing her over his shoulder as he ran. His plastoid armor cut into her thighs and belly, and she squirmed to try to get away.

“Put me down! Go back!”

Kix ignored her and raced for the clearing where the shuttle hovered just above the ground, ready to take off as soon as the crew were safely aboard. He dropped Maree in the copilot seat and turned to Squeaky.

“Don’t let her follow me.”

He sprinted to the back of the shuttle and jumped out, making for the treeline.

“Kix!” she screamed, lurching out of her seat.

Squeaky didn’t hesitate. He thrust her back into the chair with a stern grunt, then secured the safety harness to make sure she didn’t try to run again. She could hear blaster fire and shouting outside the ship, and she tugged desperately at the harness. Squeaky grunted again to order her to take control of the ship, and he lumbered toward the rear hatch, blaster ready.

Her heart hammered as she took the controls. Please, please, please. The distraught prayer echoed in her mind, silently beseeching the Force. I can’t lose him. Not like this. She felt utterly helpless as the deafening roar of Squeaky’s blaster fire pounded through the ship. Mercifully, she soon heard the pounding of boots on durasteel, and then Ithano launched into the pilot’s seat and punched the controls, hurtling the shuttle away from the planet.

“Kix?” she asked frantically.

“I’m here,” he said, dropping to his knees next to Maree’s chair and wrapping his arms around her. “I’m here.”

“I’m here, too, thanks for askin’,” Reveth said as she flopped into her seat.

Kix stood and quickly released the safety harness, tugging Maree out of the chair and burying his face against her neck.

“Holy kark, I can’t believe we all made it out,” Reveth said. “I was sure Maree was toast.”

Maree laughed, and Kix glared at the Twi’lek. “Not kriffin’ funny.”

“It’s kinda funny,” Reveth insisted.

Kix shook his head and drew Maree out of the cockpit and back to the tiny med bay at the rear of the shuttle. “Med bay” was putting it generously; it was really just a bunk and a large emergency medkit, but it had everything he needed to treat her shoulder. He administered a stim shot, cleaned and redressed her wound, and removed the tourniquet. He worked efficiently, and she didn’t see any of the distress that had clouded his eyes back at the base—of course, they weren’t fending off a horde of unkillable zombie droids this time, either.

“What’s the verdict, doctor?” she asked with a tiny smile.

He stroked his fingers over her forearm gently. “You’ll live. Gonna have a kickass scar, too.”

“Will you kiss it better?” she asked, fluttering her eyelashes.

He smiled wryly as he leaned in and pressed his lips softly against hers. “Don’t ever do that to me again.”

“I’ll do my best. At least I’m finally going to have an exciting story to tell Baba and Eema.”

His eyes widened. “Oh, kriff, your mothers are going to kill me!”

The Stinger docked with the Meson Martinet first, and Squeaky, Reveth, and Ithano disembarked, then Kix piloted the shuttle to his own ship, the Scorpion. Brenko and Brosna were waiting next to the airlock when Kix and Maree emerged from the shuttle.

“Well, did you find the B1.5s?” Brosna asked.

“Yeah,” Kix replied grimly.

“Ha!” Brosna laughed triumphantly. “Pay up, Captain!”

“You’re still acting captain,” Kix retorted. “Now get your ass back up to the bridge until I relieve you.”

“Wait, you’re not taking command right now?” Brosna asked.

“Nope,” Kix replied, dragging Maree to their quarters.

The door hissed shut behind them, and Kix slapped the control panel to lock it. He was on Maree instantly, devouring her in a searing kiss as he unzipped and pulled off her jacket, carefully avoiding the large bandage on her shoulder. Once he had her top removed, he dropped his mouth to her throat and kissed a trail of hot, open-mouthed kisses down her body as he knelt in front of her. 

His hands roved over her urgently, clutching her body close to him. She tangled her fingers in his hair as he tugged down her trousers, and then he plunged his tongue into her ravenously. Her body jerked, and she cried out, losing her balance. He caught her with ease, then pulled her toward the bed.

“Kix,” she panted. “Don’t you at least want to get naked?”

“I can’t wait,” he groaned. “Sit on my face.”

“Oh, fuck,” she gasped.

“I’m planning to,” he said, lying on his back. “On my face. Now.”

She knelt, hovering over his mouth, staring down into his eyes. He gazed back up at her, sliding his hands up her waist to cup her breasts, before dropping them to her thighs and yanking her body downward.

“Kriff!” she exclaimed as his tongue slid deeply into her cunt, then his lips closed around her clit.

He held her in place as he feasted on her, his groans vibrating against her sensitive flesh. The sensation was overwhelming. She writhed, nearly toppling over, then leaned back to brace her hands on his ribcage. He ate her like he was starving, like she was the last thing he would ever taste, and he fully intended to savor every drop.

“Kix—fuck—gods—” she moaned, her hips finding a subtle rhythm even as his strong hands gripped her, preventing her from moving more than a few centimeters.

He murmured quietly against her in between the kisses and licks and nibbles—soft, nearly inaudible whispers of fear and adoration and lust. “... taste so fucking good… love you so much… thought I was going to lose you… never letting go… so kriffin’ scared… want you so bad…”

He released her thigh and reached his hand around to massage her clit. All the muscles in her core began to tense as pleasure spooled tightly in her body, but her orgasm remained tantalizingly just out of reach. She leaned back, groping blindly for his cock. She fumbled with his belt and eventually just slid her hand beneath the waistband until she wrapped her fingers around his rigid shaft.

He grunted at the contact, his hips thrusting up off the mattress. His hand strayed away from her clit to press his palm flat against her lower belly, and pressure was exactly what she needed. She convulsed with a sob, and he redoubled his efforts, tongue-fucking her through her orgasm. Distantly, she felt the thrusting of his cock against her hand, and then a rush of hot, sticky cum on her fingers.

She crumpled to the bed, and he pulled her tightly against him, kissing the backs of her thighs as she slowly came back to herself. After a few moments, he shifted, curling up behind her, tucking his thighs behind her legs as he drew her body close to his and buried his face in her hair.

“I love you,” she murmured.

He kissed the side of her neck, just behind her ear, dragging his tongue slowly across her skin as he slid his hand up to play with her breast. “Love you. Never scare me like that again.”

She laughed quietly. “Aye, aye, Cap’n. What’s gotten into you, anyway? You were acting protective before we even left the Martinet.”

He lay silently for a moment, breathing in the scent of her hair, before he replied. “You’re late.”

She blinked. “What?”

“You’re… your cycle, it’s like clockwork. And—you’re late,” he said hoarsely.

She swallowed. “Oh.”

The original comic panel that inspired this story! This was from Star Wars Adventures Ashcan. Alas, this comic was never published, so I am once again filling in the gaps in canon.

ADDITIONAL CONTENT WARNING: mention of possible pregnancy.

#clone medic kix #post stasis kix #pirate kix #meson martinet #sidon ithano #reveth #oc: maree finnall #star wars #clone wars #star wars fanfiction #clone wars fanfic #martyrs and kings #dystopicjumpsuit writes #Spotify

[transmutationisms]

How do you find the time to read all your book recs?? Also would you mind talking about your process for researching specific topics :)

i generally only make rec lists for things i have enough familiarity with to navigate the literature so, you have to keep in mind those lists are sometimes literally a decade+ of cumulative reading on my end. i do also sometimes include texts i haven't read in their entirety, or occasionally even ones i've only come across in footnotes but still think are foundational or relevant enough to warrant a rec.

as to my research process: there's no single answer here because the sort of research i do will depend on what questions i'm trying to answer. usually if i'm starting to look at a topic completely from scratch, i'll ask someone who publishes in that area what the major recent works are, then scan a few of them. i might 'snowball' those texts (read the works they cite in their footnotes) but, that strategy has limited utility because it only goes backward in time and sometimes a recent or uncited text can be incredibly valuable. so there's a fair amount of bumbling around in the secondary literature at this point. some academic journals maintain bibliographies for their subfields, which are not comprehensive but can be useful; i usually also do a certain amount of keyword fuckery in my library's database. sometimes i waste a lot of time at this point chasing leads that turn out to be irrelevant, or i discover that a question i was chasing is really better tackled from an entirely different direction. shit happens.

at some point i usually reach a stage where i need to look at some primary sources, because i'm oriented enough in the major issues to identify spots where previous researchers haven't made full use of historical records, or may be interpreting them in a way i disagree with. so, what exactly i'm looking for now really varies. sometimes i just want to read the primary texts that another historian is commenting on: for example, the last few months i was trawling through the french national library's archives to see what people were saying in print about a specific historical figure between about 1778 and 1862. other times i might want population data or land records: births, deaths, cholera infections, records of church property sales, &c. depending on, again, what sorts of questions you're asking, anything might have useful information to you: postmortem personal auction catalogues have given me some mileage, along with wills and personal correspondance. i have a committee member who collects and analyses postcards often being sold for pennies at flea markets out of people's grandparents' attics, and another who has an ongoing project looking at a zillion editions of a specific children's book printed in the late 19th century. along the way, as i look at primary sources, i will typically go back and forth to more secondary literature, as i find new topics that might be relevant or help me contextualise what i'm looking at. i can't ever really plan these things out systematically; i just follow what looks promising and interesting and see where it leads me.

another thing to consider is that the primary sources sometimes tell me useful information directly in their capacity as material objects. what type of paper is used, what personal or library stamps appear on the cover, who's the publisher, how many editions did it go through, are the print and typeset jobs sloppy, where was this copy found or preserved? these sorts of details tell me about how people reacted to the text, its author, and the ideas within, which can be a valuable part of whatever investigation i'm trying to conduct. sometimes i end up chasing down information on a publisher or the owner whose personal library a book or piece of ephemera came out of; there are people who research processes of preservation, printing, &c in themselves, which has yielded some fascinating studies in recent decades.

at some point, if it's a research project i'm trying to communicate to other people, i will switch to writing mode, where i try to organise ^^ all of that in my head, and form a coherent narrative or argument that i think is worth making. this might be revisionist in nature ('people have argued before that such and such was x way or historical actors thought about it like y, but what i have here indicates we should actually understand it in the context of z') or it might be more like, "hey, i found this thing i don't think anyone knows about!" or anything else. again, the way you put together a research project will vary so widely depending on what you're researching, and why, and why you think it matters and to whom.

also, i should emphasise that what i've written here isn't necessarily something that happens on a strict or compressed timeline. i'm working on a dissertation, so for that topic, i do have reasons i want to complete parts at certain times, unfortunately. but i also have research projects that i just chip away at for fun, that i've had on various backburners for literally years, that i might sometimes write about (eg, on here) without necessarily ever planning to subject them to the hegemon of academic publishing. i think knowledge dissemination is great and to that end i love to talk to people about what i'm researching and hear about their stuff as well. but, i also think research projects can be fun / rewarding / &c when they're completely for your own purposes, untimed, unpublished, &c &c. i guess i'm just saying, publishing and research conventions and rules sometimes have purposes (like "make it possible to publish this as a book in the next 5 years") but don't get so hung up on those rules that they prevent you from just researching something for any number of other reasons. there are so many ways to skin a cat 📝

[uriurijihoonie]

✨ when you look me in the eyes, and tell me that you love me, everything's alright + lee seokmin

"Noodles? Really, love?"

You frowned as you glare at your boyfriend in front of your screen while slurping through your noodles, "Hey, it's been a while! Give me a break."

"And besides, really, you're going to scold me right now?" You pouted as you set aside your noodle cup, shifting your eyes from your video call with Seokmin across the screen to the opened document on your laptop.

"Noooo~" Seokmin whined, making you chuckle as you saw from your periphery that he adjusted himself to 'watch' you better. "I just miss you and I'm worried."

The longing in his voice made you stop from reading your notes and turned your attention back to him, "I miss you too, love. I'm sorry, hm?"

You heard Seokmin chuckle before shaking his head, "No need to say sorry, hm? I understand, okay?" He stated with that warm smile on his face that you can't but sigh lovingly towards your boyfriend.

You've both been busy with academic stuff since Finals week are fast approaching; constant outputs being demanded on your every major, quizzes to take during classes, and the need to review for your major exams. With all these responsibilities on both sides, you and Seokmin haven't been spending time together, just the occasional hugs whenever you see each other across campus, calls and texts that are also minimized with the constant good morning and good night texts. If you remember correctly, it's almost a month since you had last a proper date.

You're still doing some last minute review for your presentation tomorrow, meanwhile Seokmin had finished all his pending tasks. Missing your boyfriend's presence, you took initiative to have a call with him tonight, though you're feeling sorry since you still have work to do.

"It's okay. Besides, I really like watching you work, anyway. Win-win for me!" Seokmin exclaimed with a wink that made you laugh when you called earlier.

"Now, don't mind me! Go do your work, love! Fighting! I'm just here if you need anything, okay?" He then flashed you one of his smiles that you truly love, making you smile back, and goofily formed a heart above your head.

You were about to shift your gaze to your working file yet Seokmin called for your name, "Y/N, love?"

"Hmm?" You hummed. You were somehow taken aback with how Seokmin looks at you, and even though you're a screen away, his gaze filled with love never fails to reach your heart, and you feel your heart calms enough with its warmth.

"I love you. You'll always have me, hmm? So go do your thing, my love," Seokmin just smiled softly towards you as you felt tears prick your eyes, partnered with his gaze still holding the same love, adoration, and warmth from years ago.

"I love you more," you whispered, wishing that he heard it despite but when his eyes turned to crescents from grinning, you knew.

--

"You don't really have to go, though," You mumbled, then you felt Seokmin just laughed at what you said with the way you felt his body shake against yours.

"Should I just go then?" Seokmin asked to which you immediately shook your head no, tightening your arms around him.

You didn't expect your boyfriend to go to your house the next day. He didn't even mentioned he will when you're on call last night; you were just called by your mom saying you have a visitor and the next thing you knew, it was your boyfriend in the flesh, and you haven't let go of him since.

"You know I can't go on a date with you today, right?" You asked as you leaned back to look at him, in case he forgot that today's your presentation; your papers still scattered on your work desk, formal top attire for you to wear still hanging on the back of your chair.

"I know, baby," Seokmin just leaned in to place a kiss on your forehead, "I'm here to be your moral support, actually."

When he mentioned those words, you felt the same prick of tears from last night, only this time, you cannot hide it from him. The stress and pressure you're feeling for your upcoming presentation seem to dissipate with just his presence on screen last night. What more with his presence in person?

Seokmin just chuckled and immediately caressed the skin under your eyes, "Aw, baby, don't cry, I know I'm the best boyfriend ever-- Ow!"

"Heh! Shoo!" The sweet atmosphere was broken when you slightly punched his chest, to which you earned a laugh from your boyfriend. You let go of him and went to your closet to fix yourself for the day.

--

Always true to his word, Seokmin really was there to be your all-around support. While you were changing, he fixed your bedroom and work desk. He was also the one who fetched your lunch from your mother outside your room so you won't be distracted with your momentum. He also helped you with last minute reviews and revisions for your presentation.

All that's left is to wait for the time of your presentation. Though you feel like you were ready as you scan your information in your head, you still can't help but feel nervous and jittery. Good thing your presentation will be done online, less nervousness and fear to make a mess.

You didn't notice that you've been rocking your legs nonstop, partnered with your constant deep sighs, until you felt Seokmin's hand hold yours. You looked at him as you felt his eyes hold yours.

You were just looking at each other. You feel you look like a fool with all the nervous jitters but Seokmin was just there, looking at you lovingly with a soft smile on his face, caressing your hand that he's holding, placing it on his lap.

"I love you, y/n," It's too soft, too quiet, yet you heard it loud and clear. Just then, you didn't know tears had fallen from your eyes until you felt Seokmin's warmth on your hands leave yours and went to your face.

He immediately pulled you into his arms, albeit the difficult position with you on your computer chair and him sitting on the bedside, still, it didn't defeat the comfort Seokmin's hugs were giving you.

"You'll do great, okay? I've seen you last night and today and I know you'll ace it, my love. And I'm here. It will be alright," Seokmin whispered as he gently rubbed your back and press soft kisses on your temple.

-----

A/N: hi, it's been too long. Still trying to get it back.

lyrics prompt list found here! requests are closed for the meantime.

#seventeen kpop #svt kpop #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen fanfic #seventeen fluff #seventeen angst #lee seokmin #seventeen lee seokmin #seventeen dokyeom #dokyeom scenarios #dokyeom imagines #dokyeom fanfic #dokyeom angst #seokmin scenarios #seokmin imagines #seokmin fanfic #seokmin fluff #seokmin angst #uriurijihoonie lyrics prompt #dokyeom fluff #dokyeom fic #seventeen fic #svt fluff

[paula-of-christ]

Good morning, hope you're doing well! I'm interested in learning more about Catholicism however I am not really sure how exactly I could do that. My whole family is atheist, so growing up I haven't had any contact with any form of Christianity (or any form of religion whatsoever). Do you have any recommendations on academic books on theology (or something of the sort), or any advice in general on how I should approach this?

My biggest thing about approaching this is to not approach it academically at first. You should foster a relationship with Christ first, and start attending a parish (you can look up "catholic diocese [closest city to you/your town]" to find parishes near you. They generally have a search function by town]. Even not understanding what's going on at Mass, the priest giving blessings and attending different parishes to see the different styles that parishes offer is good to get to know. Maybe you like the priests homily at one parish more than another. Usually priests will be outside the sanctuary (where Mass actually takes place) after Mass to greet people as they leave. When you're comfortable you can introduce yourself and he will direct you on how to start taking RCIA classes. Classes have pretty much already started so you may or may not be able to join in the next month or two. From there the parish will handle theologically learning.

My biggest things for helping your prayer life will be learning how to pray the prayers of the rosary. It's ok if you are stumbling or have to stare at the prayers the entire time at first. When you are first learning it isnt going to be very meditative, after you have the prayers memorized, you'll be able to meditate on the mysteries or any other meditations you'd like to think about while praying (like if you want to pray for a specific intention/person). Doing this daily is best.

Get used to sitting in silence and without thinking for 5 minutes a day. Normal meditation stuff, because that will get you used to the environment of prayer.

Read the gospels. There are four of them, titled Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John (in that order). Most bibles have notes at the bottom of the page, even non-"study" bibles have short notes. Getting a Catholic Bible (like from catholic online or in person bookstores) is best, since the notes will be approved by catholic biblical scholars. You can ask people online or Google other questions you have that aren't answered in the text. And, once you find a parish, you could ask your priest or RCIA director, that's what they are there for.

You are not expected to know anything about Catholicism before you start RCIA, and starting with the "logical"/theological part of religion before deciding to convert is silly. The RCIA class my fiancé just started is focusing on the relationship with Christ part, and then after he decides he definitely wants to continue with it, they will start going over Sacraments and theology and Dogma (official teachings).

If you want a history of Christianity book that's good I recommend The Story of Christianity (volumes 1 and 2) by Gonzalez. The first book is the Advent of Christ until the 1500s, the second one is the Protestant Reformation until the modern day. It talks about the historical reasons for certain theological developments as well as the theological assertions of most major Christian denominations.

Context of my fiancé starting RCIA last weekend from a background of atheism/lax cultural Christianity and the other gentleman in the class that also is coming from the same background. They both started going to Mass at the very start of Lent (the season right before Easter) and fell in love with it and decided to convert.

#catholic #catholicism #christian #christianity #traditional catholic #traditional catholicism #tradcat #tradcatholic #tradcatholicism #queue me up (queue me up inside) can't queue up (queue me up inside) queue meeeee

[jupitercomet]

Hey, bugs!

Just wanted to say I finished the first season of New Girl and-

I just want to hit Jess and Nick and scream at those idiots to finally get together because honestly, the romantic tension between them is killing me. (Also - how cool is it that I finally noticed the keep reading option in the asks?)

Seriously, those two better get together fast - and stay together, because I can barely handle it. xD

But among all those frustrations, I'm very happy I started the show - I have this teen-tiny problem of not watching almost anything new because I spiral because what if I waste my time? What if I don't like it? What if it starts great and then it downgrades? Or has an awful last season like with GoT? What if I get emotionally attached, and my favourite characters don't end up happy? So yeah, that turned out to be good for me - and I'm laughing so much (can't wait for the episode where Jess says: "I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift in peace.")

And - I didn't see how you dissolved the Charlie situation as "lazy writing" at all - if anything, I don't think anything else would have made sense for her as a character except leaving. What you said about Bradley not being able to forgive what Charlie did to Dove was so... 🥺🥺🥺 (I literally typed shy emoji in Google to paste those here because I was too lazy to find my phone to write this.) Bradley is just so adorable and precious and I absolutely love him.

Your edition of Little Women is also so pretty!

And I saw that post about thinking about changing your degree, and I don't mean to be the dark Kermit, but if you've realized you don't like what you're studying or is too stressful or taxing - change the degree. It's really not worth it.

I mean, that's actually why I had so much uni work lately - my uni allows us to, kind of study something like an "individual program" where you have one main program in which you get a degree, and it's like 50-60% of your courses and, the rest is from whatever other program you want. So I wrote a letter to the dean, and he allowed me to transfer. So from studying pure Animation cinema, I went to studying Animation cinema and Philosophy.

Anyway sorry that you had to hear about my academic life's adventures. What I'm trying to say is - it's just a degree and you don't have to feel guilty in front of anyone that you consider changing it. If anything - better realizing it's not for you (if it's not) and switch early than 3 or 4 years down the line. Especially if it's stressing you out (my degree stressed me so much every month for half a year I was going to different doctors with symptoms just for my tests and blood work to show that I'm in a peak health condition). So yeah.

Just whatever you decide is right for you, know that switching it is not as scary as it may seem at the moment and everything's gonna be alright. <3

Anyway, thank you for writing that you're hanging with your brother - when I read it, I remembered I haven't annoyed mine all day so I texted him and changed that (this boy is living too peacefully sometimes and I can't let that happen >:()

And finally - I'm pretty good today, even went and worked on my own fics which I've missed but with everything going on with uni I didn't have inspiration or energy for the longest time.

Also - I'm going to keep you updated on my progress with New Girl because my friends haven't watched it either, and I'd need to talk about it at some point again. xD

YES NICK AND JESS SUPREMACY !!

and I totally get what you mean about worrying about the quality of shows, so I will say that I think some parts of New Girl dip a bit in quality but I think it's a really strong show overall and I, personally, like the ending so def not a GoT moment.

and thank you! like I know that logically it wouldn't be in Dove's character to start anything so even if Charlie did stay nothing would have happened but yeah it didn't make sense to me for her to do anything but leave lmao

please I will literally hear all about your academic life adventures, they are very insightful to me :) and yeah, I think I ultimately kind of realized that, if I stick with my major now, I'm not going to get the college experience I want. like I want to be able to take classes that I'm genuinely interested in and that I wouldn't pursue as a job and I just,,, wouldn't be able to do that.

honestly I don't even know why I feel that guilty about it?? maybe it's because choosing your degree is kind of your first adult decision??? like I'm an adult and I know what I'm doing and what I want to do, so if I switch my major or become undecided that's like admitting I don't know what I'm doing or what I want to do???? idk, I decided to take one class from the major I'm looking at next semester to see if I like it and I'm gonna try to talk to my advisor about it before Christmas. but thank you thank you for being my dark Kermit lol. I think I really needed the reminder that this is fine and normal <3

and ooh!! what fics have you been working on. I'd be super excited to read them if you plan on posting them (and I feel you on the motivation thing, love college stress taking up most of my brain power)

and please please PLEASE send me your thoughts on New Girl, I'm so excited to hear them and I promise to do my best to not spoil :))

#acatwriteshere #what’s up doc

[l48yr1nth]

Rant about something [weather you like something or hate something or an oc just whatever]

im not much of a ranter, actually. me and my BIL get along well because he always has something to say and i'm always down to just listen LUL. under the cut so nobody has to look at a wall of text if they don't want to

but erhhh ummm.... its really pretty outside today! i live on a lake, and i sit in just the right spot in my living room to see out to the backyard. as we get into the summer months, the sun starts to shine directly in through the windows to blind me! but i like the feeling of the sun so it's alright. My cat's ear funk is back (smells smelly) so i have to clean them soon (she will hate me). right now one of our bunnies is in the neighbors yard cus she found a hole in the fence! we're waiting on her to come back cus they aren't home LUL. we're going to be getting another dog soon from one of my aunts. my aunt got cancer and doesn't want the dog to go to her absolute pathetic leech asshole of a son (she jokes that she's a little relieved she won't have to deal with him much longer. i could go on about this guy but it honestly doesn't matter). the dog itself will be a bit of a problem. she's completely untrained, and never learned to play nicely! we have two other dogs to hopefully correct the playing rough stuff, but we'll have to properly potty train her. probably some other behavioral corrections too. we're going to put up gates on either side of the house so she can't run away through there (our one dog, chico, used to get out that way. he stopped at some point). we were originally planning to fly the dog back cus she's a ways away, but the mutt would probably shit itself and constantly bark on the plane so we're thinking of roadtripping it. which. will. be. hell. i hate sitting in cars for so long! i can't sleep in them at all. hmm. on another note i don't think i'm going to do another semester of college once i'm done with this one. i gave it a go and, yeah! i still hate how school works! it's just high school with less classes, really. amount of classes doesn't matter i don't want to do anything labeled an "assignment". i haven't said anything to my mom cus i'm a little nervous abt it, but i feel like 2 semesters is enough of dipping my toes to know this isn't what i want to do for the next 2-4 years. i have some severe academic anxiety or whatever so it's. REALLY hard for me to have these kinds of conversations with anyone. especially my mom, cus she interrogates me like hell over this stuff. i'm thinking of getting a job or going to trade school instead. i think i could do a task at a job without having a meltdown every night fr! scoring a job is hard though so. hm. im incredibly lucky to have the freedom to make these kinds of decisions. i want to go to the beach soon, but it's been so cold out these days. i finished re-reading a medic tf2 fic recently so i'm going to get back to reading WoF! I also wanna download some mods for stardew valley but i'm really not sure where to start. i have 2 commissions to do! i wish i was high rn fr. OHH IM HAVING A BIRTHDAY FOR MY WATERMELON LATER!!!! ITS BEEN SITTING ON OUR COUNTER FOR A YEAR! isn't that insane? they're not supposed to last more than a month or two REFRIDGERATED. this thing has been room temperature just chilling for 12 months. we're still not sure if we're gonna cut it or not today so i'm thinking i'll make a poll later for it. ok thats all i can think of

#labyanswering

[verybluefeelings]

Nov. 18- Kaleidoscope Cafè

Welcome back :) it's been a while since I've written anything here even in my journals too. Ever since I took my multi-genre English class I stopped writing anything. In general, even to write down how I'm feeling on the daily which is important to keep updating yourself instead of shutting off your feelings. Maybe that's why I've been feeling disconnected from reality. I swear it's been months that I feel like I've been dissociating and I'm aware of it but for some reason I can't seem to get out of it. I wish I can get out of it I just want to feel like myself again. Kinda been feeling unsure of who I am. That's why I haven't been texting my friends in months. I miss them so much. I've been wanting to text them months ago but my dissociation was worse at that time and it is still bad now but at least now I'm becoming aware of it. My goal now is to get out of it. I stopped doing any of my assignments for both of my classes. Like I legit just gave up. Before I would panic and become overwhelmed when an assignment was due soon but then now I legit don't feel anything.

I should be panicking right now. I should be worried right now. But I don't feel anything. I know I'm going to fail my classes this semester but why don't I feel anything. If I fail that means I'll have to retake the classes again to replace them with a better grade. It also means that I'll be another year or two behind. Maybe three years it depends because since I've been avoiding applying for FAFSA for months I have to pay for my classes that I take every semester but since I have no job and no money I can't pay for it. So that means I won't be getting my AA and transferring to a UC until I'm 25, 26 or 27 which that makes me feel embarrassed because it should just take two years to get your AA. But since I can only take 2 classes per semester and I can't handle taking 4 classes or more it is going to take me longer. Then that means I won't be getting my bachelor's degree until I'm close to my 30's. I don't know why I've been thinking about my future too much. Maybe that's why I'm dissociating because I don't want to feel anything when I think about the future. Usually I get a lot of anxiety when I do think about the future too much. I really didn't know that being an adult would be this hard. Why didn't god make me an academic student from the beginning. I could've been attending a UC right now or at least be close to graduating from one.

I'm still stuck in the same place. I want to change my life but I don't know how. I don't know where to begin. I compare myself too much to other people who have their shit together and I make myself feel bad and I make that feeling stay with me instead of not caring about it and letting it go. Will I ever be successful in the future? Am I ever going to make myself and my family proud of me? Why can't I be an overachiever? Why can't I retain any information when I study or do readings? Will I ever graduate from a university? Why is it taking a long time to get there? Is it my fault?

#overthinking #life be lifeing

[chronicrealnesscushings]

Symptom Log Day 1

It's a warm spring day here in the Great Lakes region. 73 degrees when I woke up. I got about 5 hours of sleep but I feel better than I usually do. Not even as tired as I usually feel. Today is a good day. I'm not in a flare up, my body seems to be calming down, and I'm not binge eating. Mentally, I feel a bit weird. I wonder if I have pseudo cushings. Ever since I found an answer to how I feel, I haven't had a flare up. But my mind likes to gaslight itself a bit. Most of my symptoms align with episodic or cyclical Cushing's. It could be a different reason. I tend to feel better when I get out into the sun, which we've had more of lately. My endocrinologist has ordered pretty much all the test. 24 pee test, dex test, and another round of cortisol swabs. I love how when I finally get the testing I need to get answers, things calm down. Funny how that works. Almost like it knows that I'm on to it. My therapist told me not to personify it, but for me, Cushing's is like a little goblin that sneaks up and puts a bag over your head. You feel around, blind, trying to get the damn bag off and when you finally figure it out, and get it off your head, the little damn goblin is nowhere to be seen.

I've been trying to find more information on cyclical and pseudo, but everything is in academic language and my brain isn't really good at paying attention to that. I mean, I love reading, but it's hard to keep going when the text is so dry. It's also bit a hard to remember all the of definitions for each different thing. I used to be awesome at stuff like that, but then again, my brain is like half functioning nowadays.

I'm starting to get a bit agitated, so maybe my cool period is starting to come to an end. This time, it's welcome. I need the test results to get any treatment.

At my last doctors appointment, I hit the dreaded number I was trying to avoid. 225. I can't say my eatings been all that great, but 15 lbs since last month? Insane. When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself. I am huge. My arms and tummy especially. I don't feel right in this body. Growing up, I was always bigger. Taller than the boys, thicker than girls. I grew a chest way before any of my friends. But I lost the weight eventually. I had been riding 145 for almost 5-6 years. I was healthy. I was in shape. I was doing well at my job. I had a career. Now I just sit at home watching Scooby doo and feeling like this. No career. No friends. No health,

I have a wonderful fiancé. I have two beautiful dogs. Our nephew is coming to stay the summer with us and I'm excited to have him. But I am tired and depressed and I don't want to go outside in a pair of shorts. My thighs are like tree trunks. I am all for body acceptance... except when it comes to mine. It's not even just about the size. It's about not being able to walk up steps or hike like I used to. Kayaking, rock climbing, river rafting... I am a liability. That hurts me more than anything.

#cushingsdisease #cushings #chronicillness

[sorjuanas]

june 22nd

taglist idk honestly i'm just tagging a few friends lol pls lmk if you don't want to be tagged and if you do want to be tagged also lmk 💘💗💝💕💓 @ruckenfigurs @dilfdeclan @chaosofbattle @dreamertrilogys @richardsiiken @boysaints

[Transcript.

what happened? nothing. i think that's the problem really, i can sit and do nothing sometimes. more accurately i cannot do anything. i can't move my hands, or get the words to come out. i feel like i'm never going to finish doing it and even though i know - my brain knows it, i will have to start to finish, eventually. my body refuses to acknowledge it, i think my body is tired. i think i should sleep more. i think maybe i should cry more, too, because today when my hands couldn't move i just started crying wailing sobbing. i haven't done that. sobbing wailing crying my heart out like that since i was, i don't know. 

i don't think i remember. at eleven, maybe, when my mother found out i used to hurt my wrists because it was the only command my hands responded to. i don't do that anymore though. i'm good now, i'm kinder, i'm hard-working. i am exemplary. i think i'm trembling right now. i think im shaking. i think i'm not thinking at all and i am simply moving my hands. it's strange how i can move my hands for this, but not anything else, something useful, something people can get, something that reflects my value, my intelligence my will to participate in this society. i think my hands don't want me to participate in this society. i think they just want me to sit down and write, scroll past it all, to not think ever again, they want to wipe my tears and they don't want to muffle my sobs. my dad texted me asking if i wanted to go ride my bike with him. i didn't answer, my fingers were motionless in front of the screen. he told me it was okay if i didn't want to (and like i don't even know if i did want to. if would be beneficial to my health, he says, to clear my mind and flex my muscles and breathe actual air rather than whatever else i've been inhaling these past twenty four months.) he told me it was okay, because he is good like that. he just asked me to say no. to tell him no.

and i think that’s also the hard part, many people have told him no before. he’s very nervous these days. i can tell he’s trying his best but i think the distance is killing him. i think he’s so incredibly sad and i don't know how to help him if not getting good grades so he can look at me and not worry about my grades and my future and how successful and happy and fulfilled my life is going to be, so he doesn't have to worry about me being miserable the way he feels. i don't want to make him sad. i just wish i could move my hands, move my eyes, read what i need to read and not what i want to read, listen with my ears open to what i need to listen. i want my hands to have a brain of their own but no free will, so i can use their knowledge and predisposition to make up for the fact that i have none of those things left. 

i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know where my phone is. i don't want to look at my phone ever again i think i'm going to cry again. its close, it gets closer, the tears are closer. the tears are closer, the sobs in my throat feel strange and a hundred times more familiar than my hands and my ears and my eyes. i haven't heard of these sobs in my throat in years. decades. not like this, not with such an intensity. i wonder how mom is. i wonder if she’s happy with my academic achievements - scratch that i know she's not happy, but i at the very least can mildy hope she is content. not that the results require a happy response they are mediocre at best. 

i just think i have done worse before. i have been so deep before, i don't know how i got where i am now but i think it was too hard, too much work, i don't know how to do it again. i don't know how to do it for me, instead of whatever else is pushing me through. probably my father’s grief. probably my mother’s anger — disappointment. everything else. anything else. i don't know what i'm doing, i don't know what to do. i am going to try and breathe. breathe breathe breathe. i really wanted today to be the day. i don't know what happened.

dad will be home soon. he will know nothing. it saddens me, in a way, knowing nobody will know i cried my heart out in these walls today, with only me and myself to hear and bear witness to it. i don't want to have to deal with it alone, but i don't want anyone else to deal with it. this is something mine, my burden and my secrets. explaining sounds like too much work. i do wonder sometimes how many times my dad or my mom have cried their heart out in my house while i was out. and when i arrived the crime scene was clean, and so i never found out. i do wonder. because after i finished crying, i cleaned my room, i organized my closet, maybe so not to think, maybe to give myself the illusion that there is a fixable mess out there. something i can fix. dad will come home at any moment now. i hope he’s happy with the room.

End Transcript.]

#i just wrote this while having a mental breakdown 😗✌️ enjoyè #tam.w #original writing #original poetry #prose poem #i think. idk my braincells are still buzzing lol #self harm mention #self harm tw

[purpleiri]

Xu Mo: Ordinary Date Translation

许墨 【平淡之约】

During the time Xu Mo was immersed in a new research project, our meetings have become scarce. I was incessantly torn between not wanting to disturb him at work and longing to see him. Finally, I came up with a solution to the problem...

Please do not re-post my translations.

I’m not a professional translator. I do not claim that my translations are 100% accurate.

I hope that you’ll enjoy watching/reading the date! Text-only version under the cut.

When I reached the entrance of the research centre, Aming and the others were on their way out. They must have just pulled an all-nighter to finish their experiment, as the youths yawned loudly. Even so, they were chatting happily and exchanging banters back and forth.

Student A: “Let’s have soup dumplings at Sheng Ji, it’s near.”

Student B: “Since today’s a day off, we have a lot of time. Let’s go to Li Ji Restaurant, it’s only two stations away by subway anyway.”

Student C: “Is Professor Xu not coming with us again?”

Aming: “The Professor said that he’ll be busy with some other things.”

Student B: “Do any of you feel that although Professor Xu looks approachable, he also seems strangely detached? He never talks about himself, and he’s not close with any of the other teachers.”

Student A: “It feels like he’s very polite, but keeps everybody at arm’s length, isn’t it?”

Student C: “I feel it a little. There were a few times when I saw him standing alone by the window and wanted to go up to him and say hello, but at the same time I felt that he would feel bothered for sure.”

Student B: “Sometimes, it does feel as if we just can’t figure out what kind of person Professor Xu really is…”

I stopped in my tracks and hesitated for a while, but still went ahead to meet up with them.

MC: “Aming!”

Aming: “MC, are you looking for the Professor? He’s just finished being busy with work so he should be resting now.”

MC: “Yes, I brought all of you something to eat!”

I handed a paper bag filled with food over to Aming. He smiled as he accepted it and scratched his head a little awkwardly.

Aming: “The things we said just now, we didn’t mean anything by it…”

MC: “Don’t worry, I won’t tattle on you to your Professor Xu.”

I smiled, but it was clear in my mind—there was a time when even I have deeply felt Xu Mo’s indifference and elusiveness, so I did not blame others for thinking so. For the past month, for instance, ever since he has started working on some secret experiment, I have been seeing him less and our usual interactions with each other have decreased. I have tried asking him about it indirectly twice, but he always answered vaguely and digressed from the topic. I could not help but worry a little.

Student B: “May I ask, are you Professor Xu’s girlfriend? We didn’t mean to talk about the Professor, we just don’t understand him very well so we couldn’t help but discuss a little.”

He paused for a while and let out an embarrassed smile.

Student B: “It’s rare to see such an impressive and young professor, so it makes one really curious.”

Student A: “He’s not just impressive, he could already very well be included in a textbook!”

They continued talking, and the conversation turned into a discussion of Xu Mo’s most recent academic research. I could see on their faces their hopes for the future, as well as an overwhelming sense of accomplishment from being able to work on the project with Xu Mo.

MC: “Sometimes, he can get too immersed in his own world and may seem unsociable.”

“But don’t worry about him being difficult to get along with.”

I looked at them and couldn’t stop the corner of my lips from turning up into a smile.

MC: “He’s a really gentle person.”

“The most gentle person I have ever met.”

--

It was still early, and the research centre was much quieter than usual. I walked along the long corridor and arrived at the entrance of the lounge. The door was open; I quietly took two steps forward and saw Xu Mo deep in thought.

The window blinds were shut tightly. Entering through the gaps and infiltrating the room was a thin layer of sunlight, reflected on his calm and impassive eyes. It seemed that even the continuous drizzle of the wallpaper surrounding him lingered with a hint of coolness. The slightly bitter aroma of coffee permeated the air, and hot steam from the mug drifted little by little to the corner of Xu Mo’s thin lips.

Although he always wore a mild expression on his face, I felt that the darkness of the room was filled with an inexplicable silent melancholy. It was as if he had carved out this cold little space that was isolated from the world—isolated from the warm morning light outside the window, and isolated from himself.

I stared at his thin silhouette and could only feel how particularly lonely he was at this moment.

MC: “Xu Mo.”

I could not stop myself anymore and took a step forward, softly whispering his name. As if he had just suddenly woken up from some deep contemplation, he looked at me with a hint of surprise in his eyes. Almost at the very moment our eyes met, I could clearly see a smile light up in his nonchalant eyes.

Xu Mo: “Why didn’t you tell me in advance before coming over?”

Quickly, I walked over from the staircase to meet him, grinning as I held up the paper bag in my hand.

MC: “I brought you breakfast! There’s bread, egg tarts, palmiers, sandwiches…”

I opened up the paper bag and showed him how filled to the brim with food it was, prompting him to let out a small laugh.

Xu Mo: “It’s only breakfast, how can I eat this much?”

I placed the bag on the table and turned around to walk towards the window.

MC: “It’s precisely because it’s breakfast that you should eat more nutritiously.”

“If you can’t finish it then you can have the leftovers for tea, supper, or snacks. How do you get inspiration during work if you don’t eat some food?”

With a quiet “swoosh”, I drew open the blinds completely—a dazzling gleam of light spread inside, and the monotonous white walls of the room immediately took on a golden hue. The green plants on the windowsill seemed to have woken up from their deep sleep, slowly swaying their branches and leaves to the mild morning wind now blowing into the room.

Xu Mo: “Turns out that the weather today is really good.”

When I looked back, Xu Mo was already bathing in the mild sunlight. His entire body was enveloped in a soft warmth, and the corners of his lips were curved slightly upwards, revealing a quiet gentleness comparable to the first rays of light in the morning.

Xu Mo: “If it weren’t for the experiment, I would have gone out to take a walk with you. I wonder, at this time, if there are any more peach blossoms in bloom around the suburbs.”

He spoke as slowly walked towards me.

Xu Mo: “Didn’t you say that you’ve been busy with a new show recently?”

“Coming to see me so suddenly, did you come across some difficulty?”

I flashed him a knowing smile and took out my own notebook from my bag.

MC: “It’s just as I’ve said before, it’s about inviting a professor in logical studies to do an episode of the show…”

Before I could finish what I was saying, Xu Mo shook his head and sighed softly.

Xu Mo: “…sure enough, you didn’t come here specially to bring me breakfast.”

For a moment I was stunned, but I quickly denied it.

MC: “Of course I came here specially to bring you breakfast, it’s just a coincidence that I have a question that I needed your advice for.”

But after listening to me, not only did Xu Mo lightly furrow his brows, his voice also fell, as if he has just suffered some terrible injustice.

Xu Mo: “...so you brought me breakfast only because you needed my advice on something?”

“We haven't seen each other in such a long time, yet you don't miss me at all.”

MC: “…w-wait!”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“It’s not that I don’t miss you…”

At this moment, Xu Mo raised his eyes, which were twinkling with a hint of slyness. It was then I realised that I must have fallen into his trap once again. I looked at him and bit my lips with a huff. And yet, this man’s mood suddenly shifted happily as he came over to hold my hand with a smile.

Xu Mo: “Let’s have breakfast first.”

--

Under my “quiet” supervision, Xu Mo finished eating three egg tarts, two bread, and half a palmier before concluding this somewhat hearty breakfast. Although at the end he said that he really couldn’t eat anymore, there was still a happy smile on his lips.

Xu Mo: “Just spare me this round, Great Producer. I already know what I did wrong.”

“Now, I really know that you didn’t not miss me.”

He spoke slowly, dragging out the last part of his sentence as he took one last sip of coffee from his mug. He rested his chin on his hand and looked at the notebook in my hands. Before I had the time to think of a comeback to his words, he changed the topic.

Xu Mo: “Let me take a look at your question next.”

I really didn’t know what to do with him. I could only go along with his tempo; I opened up the notebook in my hands, spreading it on the table.

Xu Mo: “So this is the question that got you stuck.”

Xu Mo took a pen out of his pocket. Just as he was about to start writing, he looked over at me again.

Xu Mo: “Sitting opposite each other like this, it’s not so easy for me to write. Do you want to sit a bit closer?”

I nodded my head. I pulled my chair over and sat next to Xu Mo, shoulder to shoulder. Satisfied, Xu Mo smiled and wrote down the four letters “AEIO” on paper, forming a rectangle.

Xu Mo: “You can simply understand it this way: ‘A’ means complete affirmation, ‘E’ means complete negation, ‘I’ means partial affirmation, and ‘O’ means partial negation.”

“Among these, ‘A’ and ‘O’ have a contradictory relationship, just as ‘I’ and ‘E’ also have a contradictory relationship. Between them, there must be one that is true and one that is false. For example, taking what you said just now about how it’s not that you don’t miss me…”

“…it negates complete negation, which is to say that ‘E’ is false. In contrast, it confirms that ‘I’ is true, which is to say—you do miss me a little.”

“Is that right?”

The low voice that he used to slowly describe the concept flowed like sunlight. As I listened, I fell into a trance. The way the corners of his lips were raised subconsciously prompted me to smile along with him.

MC: “Right.”

A familiar light scent lingered between our breaths. I stared at his mesmerising eyes and only came to my senses much later. Xu Mo held my hands as an ambiguous smile appeared on his lips. His eyes narrowed slightly with the action, and he came closer.

Xu Mo: “Two days ago, I attended a lecture and happened to meet the Old Professor Xu that you invited as a guest on your show.”

“He was full of praises for you, saying that you and your team have already handed him the script two weeks ago. The questions on logical reasoning that he came up with, you managed to solve them all.”

“All these basic theoretical concepts have ceased to become a challenge for you much earlier on.”

“And yet you still came up with the excuse of having a question you needed my advice for…”

MC: “I…”

I avoided his stare guiltily, but still hesitantly hummed a soft “mhmm”. Xu Mo let out a helpless smile and sighed lightly. Raising his forefinger, he tapped me on the forehead gently.

Xu Mo: “Little liar, you only know how to bully me.”

Hurriedly, I tugged on the cuff of his white coat and softened my tone.

MC: “That’s why I said, I really came here specially to bring you breakfast.”

Xu Mo: “This isn’t the only thing I’m referring to.”

Xu Mo gazed into my eyes mysteriously, seemingly that no matter how I reacted afterwards, it would all be within his sight.

Xu Mo: “For the past two weeks, Aming often brings me supper; sometimes it's hot congee, other times it's vegetables and rice. He claims that it's takeaway, but the taste says otherwise.”

“The leaves of the spider plant on my balcony have long since turned yellow, and I haven't had the time to take care of it. However, when I glanced at it a few days ago, I found a new pot has long taken its place.”

“After returning to my office from the research centre early in the morning, I would sometimes find an extra cup of freshly-brewed tea.”

As he spoke, he showed an expression of serious contemplation, and his eyes revealed a faint puzzlement.

Xu Mo: “When did I start raising a little snail girl like you?”

He paused. Although it seemed like he still had some words left unsaid, he didn't continue speaking. Instead, he rubbed my hand with his fingertips, slowly, lightly, and very gently. I could feel the warmth from his fingertips, the slight, tingling itch resulting from his touch, and understood his momentary silence.

MC: “I should’ve known that I couldn’t keep this from you.”

I responded with a calm look. However, I suddenly remembered the little gift that I had prepared for him previously and couldn’t help but laugh a little.

MC: “But you still left out one thing.”

“I placed a humidifier on the corner of your coffee table—you didn’t notice it, did you?”

Xu Mo paused for a while and sighed softly.

Xu Mo: “How could I not notice? Moreover, the tea jar that I had already emptied out was filled with new tea leaves by a certain someone.”

“I even thought to myself, you must have gone out alone again to buy new tea leaves when I couldn’t take any time out.”

The light in Xu Mo’s eyes deepened. He leaned over and pressed his forehead against mine.

Xu Mo: “Did something happen recently?”

I shook my head subconsciously—after all, it really was nothing. He has his own things to be busy with, and he had promised me early on that we would go on a trip once his work has been dealt with.

However, during the times I couldn't hear footsteps coming from next door even after waiting all night, or when I picked up my phone only to remember that I shouldn’t bother him at work...

I really missed him.

Xu Mo's breath fell on my face, warm and a little moist—just like a light drizzle on a spring day, it felt as if one’s heartstrings were being gently caressed.

MC: “Truthfully… I miss you more than ‘just a little’.”

Xu Mo: “…me too.”

--

A week later, the new show entered the recording process as scheduled. It was fortunate that early preparations were done well, as the outcome exceeded expectations. Anna even felt that the show’s new season ratings could reach a new high, prompting me to prepare to treat everyone to dinner soon. I couldn’t wait to tell Xu Mo the good news and rushed over to the research centre as soon as work ended.

As I neared his office, I could hear Aming’s laughter coming from within.

Aming: “Professor, there is a secret that I’ve been keeping from you for a really long time. Let me tell you about it today! It has to do with MC…”

Upon hearing my own name, I lowered the hand that was reaching out to knock on the door, and discreetly looked into the office from behind the half-opened door.

Xu Mo and Aming sat facing each other, seemingly engaged in idle conversation. I had no idea what they were talking about that would prompt Aming to spill the beans so mysteriously.

Aming: “Actually, the suppers I have given you previously were all sent over by MC in secret.”

“One time it rained, and we all thought that she wouldn’t visit anymore. However, she still came and even brought all of us freshly-baked cakes and biscuits.”

“Also, there was once when she discovered that you’d finished drinking all your tea and refilled your jar with new tea leaves the very next day!”

As he spoke, he sighed deeply.

Aming: “It’s so nice having a girlfriend…”

All along Xu Mo had been listening quietly, but after hearing Aming sigh so deeply, he could not help but let out a laugh.

Xu Mo: “Why, are you jealous?”

I could not stop my hand from reaching out and knocked on the door lightly. Xu Mo smiled and stood up slowly.

Aming: “Professor, there’s someone looking for you, I should leave first.”

Just as I was about to push the door open and step inside, Aming pulled on the door knob. When our eyes met, he scratched his head awkwardly.

Aming: “MC, you’re here… I-I definitely did not tell the Professor your secret.”

“I still have a paper to write, I’ll be leaving first!”

I was just about to tell him that the Great Professor Xu had already discovered the secret earlier, but he slipped away and ran. I watched helplessly at his retreating back as he disappeared into the hallway. But before I could react, Xu Mo pulled me into the office with one hand.

Xu Mo: “Since you’re here at this time, has the recording ended? Did it go well?”

MC: “Mhmm, it just ended.”

“I don’t know what the outcome of the broadcast will be like. However, based on experience, it should go successfully… but how did you know that I came here to talk to you about this?”

Xu Mo: “Isn’t this our chemistry with each other? In the past, when you came to me like this, it was almost always to share good news with me.”

MC: “Then, how did your experiment go?”

The light in Xu Mo’s eyes shifted for a second, but there was a smile on his lips.

Xu Mo: “It failed.”

He let go of my hand and walked towards a filing cabinet, from which he took out a big stack of papers. On the cover, I saw the words “laboratory report” printed in bold. For a moment I was confused, unsure if he was just teasing me or telling the truth.

However, Xu Mo has already started putting the papers one by one into the paper shredder, and the quiet office was soon filled with the continuous buzzing sounds of the machine. Xu Mo saw the look of surprise and concern in my eyes, smile still on his face.

Xu Mo: “In a hundred experiments, it is indeed the success of the hundredth experiment that makes one happy. However, this does not mean that the previous ninety-nine failures are worthless.”

“It’s just like how you might encounter difficulties when you work on your shows; sometimes the ratings are poor, and sometimes the show’s reputation is not well-received. Similarly, my work often has such discouraging moments.”

“But it is fine, for failure is not important–knowing that you are on the wrong path is more important.”

Xu Mo looked at the thin sheets of paper in his hand, the smile in his eyes growing.

Xu Mo: “Hopefully, next time I would have good news to share with you too.”

MC: “But, after working so hard for such a long time just to not yield results…”

“If it were me, I would definitely be upset for quite some time.”

As the shredder swallowed the last page of the report, Xu Mo walked over in front of me and sighed lightly.

Xu Mo: “Indeed, no matter how small, the feeling of discontent is there.”

I thought about it for a while, and then offered Xu Mo an invitation.

MC: “How about we go out for a walk?”

“The weather today is great; we can take a stroll. Sometimes I just need to take in the sunlight for a bit and my mood becomes better.”

Xu Mo let out a laugh and agreed softly. With practised ease, he interlocked his fingers with mine, and led me out of the research centre.

As the weather became warmer, the streets were filled with more and more people. Despite it being a work day, the people passing us by were mostly in groups of three to five. Xu Mo held my hand tightly, as if worried that I would be separated from him in the crowd.

As we were walking, he suddenly stopped in his tracks, and advised me seriously.

Xu Mo: “In the future, don’t come out alone in the middle of the night.”

“You are not allowed to walk through the alleyways and take shortcuts, either.”

When he said the first sentence, I had wanted to crack a joke and make a silly face before simply agreeing to it. However, when he said “alleyways”, my entire heart jumped.

MC: “How did you know…”

The road back home from the research centre was a main road, and it has always been safe. There were many people walking on the road even at ten o’clock at night. There was one rainy day when I wanted to reach home quickly and took the alleyway as a shortcut.

Only once.

Xu Mo stood in front of me and placed a hand on my head.

Xu Mo: “How could I be at ease with you walking home alone at night?”

“However, if I had walked back home together with you, or simply spoke to you, I probably would not have been able to focus on my experiments.”

“That’s why, every time, I have always seen only you off downstairs, and waited until I could see your lights go on before turning around and going back to the research centre.”

“This way, I could also take a small break, slowly organising my thoughts on work for the day as I walk.”

MC: “……”

At the thought of him putting his work down, secretly following behind me just to protect me and see me home safely, and then waiting around downstairs until he could see my lights come on before walking back to the research centre under the night sky…

I suddenly felt bad inside.

My intention was to take care of him, but I did not expect that I would cause him this much trouble…

MC: “I’m sorry.”

Xu Mo shook his head and laughed gently.

Xu Mo: “Little fool, you don’t have to apologise, you didn’t give me any trouble.”

“The surprises that you gave me, I really liked them all. More than that, I could not help but look forward to them.”

“Looking forward to what kind of gifts you would bring me next time, and looking forward to the moment I could see you after a long, exhausting day of work…”

“This is the most interesting experience I’ve had in all these years of dry and routine life doing research.”

Xu Mo grabbed my hand and turned to look at the intersection.

Xu Mo: “Want to have some ice-cream?”

It was only then that I noticed a dessert shop selling ice-cream in front of us. I hesitated, but before I could speak, Xu Mo had spoken first.

Xu Mo: “I do want to eat it a little. Want to have it with me?”

I rarely saw this side of Xu Mo, so childlike and pure. I agreed immediately and jogged over to the dessert shop to buy two ice-cream cones.

MC: “Here, this ice-cream is my treat. Next time, I will surprise you in a more thoughtful way and not make you worry anymore.”

"This time's debt, let's just call it even!"

I handed one of the ice-cream cones to Xu Mo and then I could no longer resist tasting my own—the cooling sweetness melting at the tip of the tongue, the rich strawberry flavour giving one a sense of happiness.

At this very moment, Xu Mo bent over at the waist—

He leaned closer, pursed his lips slightly upwards, and, under my slightly dumbfounded gaze, gently licked the tip of the sweet cone in my hand.

The small ice-cream cone suddenly turned into a small mountain, separating two pairs of thin lips, yet not able to separate the sights we have of each other. In that moment, the boisterous and noisy crowd around us seemed like they have been put on pause. My heart was full, and I only had eyes for the pair right in front of mine, deep and vast like pools of water.

Xu Mo: “Mmm, it’s delicious.”

He straightened his back. In a good mood, the corner of his eyes curved into a smile, and at last he tasted the matcha-flavoured ice-cream cone in his hand. Even with a cunning smile in his eyes, the passing breeze seemed to have caught onto his aura, becoming a little gentler.

I could never figure out what to do with him…

MC: “Xu Mo, are you still going back to the research centre?”

Xu Mo: “The experiment is already over, so it’s time to go back and rest.”

MC: “What a coincidence, we’ll be going the same way!”

Lifting the corner of my lips, I reached my hand out towards him—

Xu Mo smiled gently, and held my hand without hesitation.

Xu Mo: "Mm, let's go home."

--

T/N: Little snail girl (田螺姑娘) is a character from a Chinese folklore of the same name. The story goes that a young farmer found an unusually big snail when he was out in the fields, so he decided to bring it home and take care of it. Since then, every time he came home from work, he would mysteriously find freshly-prepared dinner waiting for him. He later found out that the one who cooked for him was indeed the snail he brought home—and that she’s not just a snail after all, she’s a young and beautiful woman. They fell in love, got married, had children and lived happily ever after.

#mlqc lucien #xu mo #许墨 #my translation