#i just. idk it's a thing thats been on my mind now

[barney-x-logs-is-otp-archived]

JUST FINISHED DEAD END SEASON 2 AND I AM NOT OKAY

#dead end #dead end spoilers #LOOK IM TAGGING SPOILERS CUZ IM GONNA RANT IN THE TAGS HERE WE GO #well first of all i started a drawing for nad//yah week last night and now idk what to do with it #cuz like. badyah turned out to be straight #and good for her! straight ppl exist!! #i wouldnt ship a lesbian with a man and the same goes for straight girls with other girls #i just. idk it's a thing thats been on my mind now #ALSO ASMODEUS!!!! #and barnlogs was somehow even more disastrously gay and i love them #COURTNEY FALLEN ANGEL THEORY REAL!!!!! #LOGS HAD AN EMO PHASE AND I NEED TO DRAW IT ASDGSKDHKDHDJD #omg the way norma said 'im bi logs! bi bi bi bi biiii!!' #also lets just pretend pugsley didnt ********* ***** ******* cuz it made me cry #<- (joking! kinda. it was well written and its just the kind of fcked up demon stuff i would expect from this show lmao. i just. yeah) #also i like how the angels werent like. stereotypical angels if that makes sense? #like they werent what normally comes to mind when you think of angels #yknow like feathery wings and white robe thingies and golden halos #ig these angels still have halos but like. different #WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT THE SCENE EVER #'*something about the new thread count of the shirts* i want my old shirt back‚‚‚‚' #'why dont you... take it off?' #I ACTUALLY DIED #also barney whos making fun of you for your weight and your binder?! i want names. i just want to talk 🔪 #k well its midnight so time to go to bed and cry over a cartoon dog 👍

[mildcicada]

#when i was first coloring him in he was gonna be golden chinchilla colored but then i was like ehhh jonah magnus should be red/orange but #elias should be gray ...so i just desaturated what i already did instead of recoloring lol but #he is now supposed to be shaded silver lol #but thats why his coat pattern is on the darker side compared to what it *should* be #og elias bouchard coming from an important/roch family and while whole thing with thinking he just *deserves* stuff bc of his upbringing. #etc. -> he is purebred and matches the breed standards etc for a scottish fold of his color #obviously the eye color doesn't matter because. ahaha #i thought elias fit the Scottish fold vibes because: Scottish folds are known for looking sort of like owls and having intense eyes #and the cat body/face type (also present in british shorthairs) to me gives off sort of... unnasumming vibes? #like ahaha yes i am a boring boss who loves paperwork look at how unnasumming i am season 1-2 elias y'know #trying to think of what cat breed jonah would be. and also jon gerry etc you know all the other characters i like #would it be boring to have multiple british shorthairs #i mean.. #Michael shelley/distortion is a laperm that's all I know #i didn't particularly care with the personality attributes associated with eliascat because it didn't need to fit his personality on account #of not being his original body. but i do try to keep in mind the best personality/look/etc. cat attributes as a whole for a character #also sometimes get obsessed with jt making historical and geographical sense but then it just limits me greatly to a point im not into it #so i don't care about specific breeds in that respect lol #tma #my art #elias bouchard #the magnus archives #some notes looking back(made it 2 hours ago but still looking back ok..) on it now are that i feel like elias would never choose this breed #for his next bodyhop because of the inherent health issues in scottish folds. I saw the breed was created in like the early 1960s and #assumed that maybe the health issues wouldn't have been common knowledge until later enough for jonah to be unaware of them but actually no #there's legislation about it like 6 years later LOL so jonah would..maybe not make this choice #i guess in the future when drawing i will just make him a British shorthair #my catTMA is simultaneously 'they are just regular cats or like all show cats or something' and 'exact tma plot but as intelligent cats' #LOL its just vague in my mind idk..also maybe jon can be an Abyssinian #ALSO WHAT WAS I THINKING 'jonah may not have been aware about x thing' like did i...did i forget. me 2 hours ago was dumb as rocks

[bl00dw1tch]

God. God. God. Holy fucking shit i love Avatar so fucking much

#horse.txt #im being so real right now it breaks my goddamn heart that so many people hate it on principle and go into it waiting to be disappointed #like. god. seriously? how do so few people seem to see the shit im seeing? how do people not GET its RIGHT THERE??? #idk man im like. high and the hd release is out so it feels like Christmas but this shit has been on my mind and its at like a precipice #its one thing when ppl just aren't into it but the absolute LOATHING and DISDAIN people harbour for these movies is just. baffling #i cant understand it #i hate statistics. why did it have to pan out this way #how can anybody hate this production literally decades in the making? the fucking DEFINITION of a Passion Project? #the labour and love and inventive GENIUS that has gone into these films--and #you know what? the writing ISN'T that fucking awful. its not perfect because no movie is ever fucking perfect and sometimes you #have to give a script and characters breathing room. room to make mistakes!!! because this fucking obsession with #'characters dont have to be realistic!' is BULLSHIT. and NO saying that does not conflict with the idea that Characters=/=real ppl in #discourse!the ideas can fucking coexist! having realistic characters is GOOD its fucking GOOD when theyre stupid and do shit you dont like! #because thats what REAL PEOPLE DO thats what makes them fucking COMPELLING thats what youre SUPPOSED to let draw you in!!!!!! #but noooo no no no no keep repeating your smurf pocahontas jokes and roll your eyes at anyone who does like it like theyre stupid #because you can't be assed to give something a chance just because everyone Else is calling it stupid #and you dont want them to roll their eyes at /you/ #i know this is dumb to be so heated about but im just. im sad man. im happy im having a great day!! but im sad #about how few people i can share it with yk..???

[vaniliens]

I keep forgetting about how people actually use pronouns for me instead of just referring to me by name. Like sometimes id get she/her'd or they/them'd and it always feels so trippy because i have never been called that in my head!!!! Its always just been 'Dude' 'You' 'Man' 'Me' 'Girl' and 'He' but idk. I feel like id get tripped out if i start going by he/him too.

#If you're wondering what pronouns to use for me; Um. I unno. Do whatever. #this isn't a huge deal or anything im just not used to being noticed #Unless its by maprron hi maprron <333 Sorry i havent been active much 😭 #nillas #i feel like id be DOUBLY confused if i get he/himd because ive only seen someone do it once but that was years ago 💔 #Like with She/Her id understand because i am a girl. thing . and my profile picture and stuff are usually girls (See: My Blog.) #and with they/them id also get it because youre probably just not sure about my pronouns or smth #he/him... yeah.... but id be flattered depending on the mood and if i remember I have pronouns that day #Idk!!! Why is this so confusing !!! I NEED IRON IN MY BLOOD!!! #ok wait honestly. I get weirded out about my name too. But again i think its just because im not used to attention. #i used to let people call me my real name online but the Nia and Vanillas was more popular also it feels weird now #you dont know me irl!!! #thats a name exclusively used for irl contexts!!!! Not online!!!!! #also someone called me 'Menzu' once back when i was still masquerading as Menzu_kosui on Insta shsvhsvjs #IT CAUGHT ME SO OFF GUARD LIKE I KNOWWW I DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER NAMES THERE BUT ITS JUST A FANCIER WAY #OF SAYING ''MENS'' AND I GOT SO CONFUSED!! I love that person though I get it 😭 ty for that it stunned me but i Laugh #about it everytime it crosses my mind

[orcelito]

Went skimming thru late trimax For Reasons, got caught up reading the Legato fight, realized things about the fight that I never had before & went WOW, I kind of want to write an analysis post right now!

Felt the same kind of insanity grip me, however momentarily, that fueled all my analysis posts however many months ago. Too tired to actually word things coherently right now, but...

I May or may not have a full(ish?) analysis of the Legato & Vash fight a la style of This post analyzing the Trigun: Multiple Bullets fight that got unexpectedly kind of popular. People seemed to really appreciate that one, & I even had some ppl saying it could be cool if I did that for others?

So. Legato fight. Maybe. Feel free to remind me later if u see no mention of it again for over a week lol

#speculation nation #ive been wanting to go back into reading the manga again #ive only slowly (VERY slowly) been puttering along with where i am in my fic #for research purposes with the fic. #i do want to go back through the manga bc i STILL havent done a full reread of it #ive just reread so many different parts of it for assorted research that im probably getting to some 10 or so reads total lmao #i wanna reread it in full tho front to back to sort out any stray details and remember any timeline things i might have slightly skewed. #the problem with reading the manga though. is that every fucking time i look at it. i am consumed by a drive to research EVERY little thing #so me reading turns into 'hm thats interesting. that reminds me of this thing that i know happens in volume 8. let me just check that now--' #and i end up so dreadfully distracted every damn time. bc i end up with all my wires crossed and my attention pointing a million ways #it's exhausting. and so i havent been reading the manga outside of random research dives. #im very good at that. i know every volume of the manga and can find Anything within 1 or 2 mins (at the Most) #which is also kind of the problem lol. fingers in too many pies. so many things to think about. #if i get back into Actually rereading the manga tho you can bet ur ASS ill find more things to make posts about #every time i open up the manga i find new things that i could analyze. #i just havent. bc i dont have time. but. ykno what. maybe i Could get back into it... #remind me later. this is one of my favorite fucking fights with my favorite Fucking panels #and i realized smth about the shit Vash is doing that was making me lose my MINDDDD #later tho. ive been sleep deprived today. and it is time for me to rest. #& yea yea ITNL is still the main focus. but idk i have such a mind for details and i remember So many things about the manga #i wanna show that off to people again. and thus. Analyses!!! :D #later. goodnight for now

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

You can in fact do whatever you want forever!! If it's not as convincing when you say it to yourself, here I am saying it to you as well. And it's cute to see you expressing yourself comfortably, even if you were contradictory, who cares. Kill the identity police inside your head or whatever

you guys are going to have me crying like for real

#i say like it is not happening already i mean what no its just. allergies #I KNOW AND I TALK ABT IT FOR OTHER PEOPLE ALL THE TIME BUT IM THE WORLDS BIGGEST HYPOCRITE #its just. idk #it feels like im lying to people #being a pretty 'typical' asexual was such a big and stable part of my identity for a while and when it wasnt actually the case anymore idk #it feels like im lying to people and im going back on things #but really im just changing and i know thats okay and even expected but aughthwhskgkg #head in hands #you guys have been really helpful though and i love you all a lot #i mean its what got me to this point anyway. i remember i used to get so embarrassed to the point i couldn't even admit i wanted to kiss a #character (cough cough venti) but now i CAN even if im still embarrassed abt it #and i need to keep it in mind for stuff like this too but woeifjghfnd #anyway the point is. thank you all. a lot #aethers asks #personal posts and stuff #aethers rants

[nardaviel]

oc wants meme

I'm just gonna do this for Sora and Sam, my main guys. Listen, it's a bad pain day and talking about my OCs cheers me up

Sora Yumura

His faceclaim is Miura Haruma, when he had longer hair. The first pic is The Sora pic. My Photoshop skills aren't that good but that's as good as they're going to get, and I think it gets the idea of what he looks like across. But the second one is an extremely Sora facial expression.

Description: Tall, a little too skinny, but well-dressed and strikingly attractive, with wavy green hair and observant grey eyes in a clever face. A lot of poise, a lot of charisma, witty but respectful. All of that is a mask and he is really hoping you're taken in by his facade of functionality, but it is convincing as hell. Even dazzling, at times, if he needs to really turn on the bright lights. So almost everyone falls for it, in the end. His (rich) parents died when he was young and he was raised by his (incredibly rich) aunt and uncle, who were emotionally abusive, although he would say that that's an exaggeration. His little cousin is like a brother to him, and he protected him from his aunt and uncle as best he could, but that didn't stop him from getting the fuck out of Japan entirely as soon as he could leave for university. (There were other reasons and other traumas behind that too, but this isn't Sora's entire life story lol.)

What do they say they want? (i.e., what are the desires they put out into the world and have no trouble admitting)

Sora wants the top job. He won't be crass enough to actually say that to you, but his ambition is clear enough if you're in a position to look at his education and employment choices. He wants what's best for his loved ones, of course, which will always include his little cousin Ibushi, and depending on time period may also include Sam and his children, if he has any in the AU in question. He is likely to downplay how serious he is about that, however, and he won't mention his small circle of close friends, whose safety and well-being he is just as intense about. (But if their well-being is actually at issue, you may find yourself surprised by his complete 180 from charming and diplomatic to grim and uncompromising and ruthless.)

In all honesty, Sora isn't very open with most people about how he feels or what he wants. Aside from really surface-level stuff ("I'd kill for a coffee"), this is about all you're going to get.

What do they think they want? (i.e., what are the desires they keep hidden and only admit to their closest loved ones)

He wants to keep his loved ones safe and happy, and to them he'll admit that he'll do a whole lot to make that happen. He wants to believe his parents would be proud of him. He wants to be able to use his power to make a positive difference, but also to advance his personal interests, and he doesn't feel particularly bad about the second one. He wants to crush all his competition and see the looks on their pathetic faces when they realize he's beaten them, but he wants no one else to even notice anything has happened, because it's more satisfying that way. He wants to raise his children differently from how he was raised.

What do they actually want? (i.e., what is something they subconsciously need, but either do not realize or cannot admit)

Sora wants to feel safe. He hasn't felt safe since his parents died and he went to live with his aunt and uncle, which means in most AUs he doesn't remember ever feeling that way, and in the others it's a faint, hazy memory and he kind of suspects he made it up. He doesn't think in those terms, though, which is a shame because it's behind a lot of his decision-making. As time passes, he will start to experience transient moments of safety with Sam, and as he gets older, the omnipresent sense of danger will decrease some. That's about the best he's gonna get, but he'll still be grateful for it, without being able to name what it is.

Sam Quinn

He doesn't have a picture. :C I'm sorry, Sam. He is also @vashtijoy's OC as much as he is mine but I am writing about him nonetheless.

Description: Very tall giant man, with fluffy golden hair and hazel eyes that are quick to brighten with amusement. Otherwise, they're calm and thoughtful. Sensual lips, either a skinny nerd frame or an intimidatingly muscled frame depending on which AU he comes from. He's the middle child of a normal and loving middle-class family in London (unless the AU dictates that he is a medieval peasant instead, but he remains the middle child of a loving family). His curiosity and cleverness have often gotten him into Oxford, but also often gotten him into trouble. I wish you could be less interested in explosions, Sam.

What do they say they want? (i.e., what are the desires they put out into the world and have no trouble admitting)

Sam wants to learn things! He wants to study, read books, go to interesting places, and build his professional life around learning and discovery. He often ends up as an academic, and sometimes a teacher. He is often grabbed by a new interest and gets sucked into it for a bit, and he will definitely tell you everything he hopes to find out about it. He wants to be able to help his siblings take care of his parents when they get old. He wants to do good and help the less fortunate, especially once he marries into Soras $100mil+ family (which is only a family once he marries into it; it was just Sora until that point, alone with his parents' inheritance).

What do they think they want? (i.e., what are the desires they keep hidden and only admit to their closest loved ones)

He wants a family. He's always the reason they have kids. Sora loves their children and is a devoted father once they have them, but he only agrees to adopt (or find a surrogate, or use whatever magical gay-parent baby method is available) because having children means so much to Sam.

He also wants to be open about their relationship, when being closeted is often important to Sora's career, and so Sora has to make a decision about what to prioritize. (The answer is Sam. He chooses Sam. But it's genuinely difficult for him.) Sam doesn't ever ask him to make that choice, but when Sora pushes, he will admit that being closeted makes him sad.

You might be getting the impression that Sam is less of a complicated tangle of needs and wants and impulses than Sora. You're right! Sora is *gestures* like he is, and Sam is not like that.

What do they actually want? (i.e., what is something they subconsciously need, but either do not realize or cannot admit)

He wants a community. A family with Sora and children is probably the best way to make this happen, but in other AUs it's been Sora and a few friends they often see and trade with. He just needs a little group of people around him. Like Sora, he isn't really aware of this innermost need. He just thinks he wants kids because he wants to be a dad, which is also true.

Sam just doesnt thrive when he's alone, even if he's in the middle of a city. That's not a community; he needs something tight-knit, where he's respected for who he is as a person and what he can contribute. (In some AUs, that's another answer to this question. He wants someone to see him and think he's not broken just because he's curious and asks questions.) ...Gotta say, though, all of this causes a lot fewer problems than Sora's constant the-alarm-is-broken sense of being in danger does.

Sora does poorly when he's alone as well, although he doesn't need a community in the same way. He needs people who are his, and who he belongs to in turn. The best way to make him feel safe is to make him feel protected. So although their wants are different, they harmonize, inasmuch as Sora's desperate, clawing, wailing sense of danger can harmonize with anything.

#oh my god my head hurts so god damn fucking much its been like this for so long #im losing my fucking mind #this was a nice distraction and thinking abt their secret innermost wants was instructive actually #but now the distraction is DONE. fuck #sorry ik this has nothing to do with the post im just not very good at the equanimity some ppl have abt their chronic pain #might be time to think abt trying to sleep again... #anyway! i love sora and sam so so much. have u ever like. made something. and then been like yes thats it thats the Thing #the thing i was meant to make. everything else i ever made was just practice for this thing #idk how to put it into words rly but ​sora is the Thing #(lmao) #my post #sora yumura #sam quinn #sosam

[needylittlegirl]

brain is spinning

#not in a good or bad way i just feel like im in a washing machine on a gentle cycle #just thinking about everything #mostly like #whoever i end up with is going to have to have So much patience #like #i dont know how Anything works #absolutely none of it #ive never had like healthy completely consensual sex #ive never been in a healthy relationship ive barely ever had Good friends #so like #erase everything thats happened to me like just dont count it #and i havent ever done anything #not with a boy in a romantic kinda way not with friends in a friends kinda way #and yeah that makes me sad sometimes and terrifies me most of the time #but hopefully i’ll find people that will take everything so slow with me and not mind #i just think its gonna be a long journey that im not super excited for cause i know its gonna be scary #but i also cant wait to like do everything for My first time #idk i think im just being a sap right now #and i cant wait to be able to do things with someone #like right now im just sitting in an empty parking lot with my door open watching the sunset and thinking about life #and someday i’ll be able to do that with someone!! we can talk about life for hours! #and someday someone will join me in my stupid little dance parties or karaoke sessions #and itll be nice #tbd #i need to romanticize every moment of my life or else i’ll want to die

[scarecrowbutch]

ill ask it here too but does anyone else struggle to finish stuff they cant finish in one sitting? i have. so many wips and a big reason is bc i struggle with coming back to stuff idk. i like finishing stuff in one sitting and get stuck on stuff if i cant but its not healthy

#bear.txt #idk what causes it or how to break it .. #its why comms and the scarecrow comic have been taking so long n it frustrates me to no end ach !! #anyways im dizzy and overtired n gonna snooze now i think .. #theres also some part of my mind thatl likes having wips available to just. tweak details on but ultimately not get far #some sort of security thing i guess? never finishing stuff. like how i always buy a new sketchbook right before i finish one #i like not having finished stuff but thats also. not good for obvious reasons

[this-doesnt-endd]

I dont need these things but i wanna get those like finger pulse oxygen readers and the like blood pressure wrist cuffs. I dont need them i go to dr appts all the time and ive never had issues but like all of a sudden i feel like i really need them and i need to know these stats daily

#we technically have a blood pressure cuff my mom wanted one and then we kept it around before we knew i had sezuires cause we #were worried cause id just have episodes and nearly black out so my dad had me check it a lot #but its the arm one and i dont know how to use it #also ive been like worried a lot lately abt getting seziures which idk why cause theyve been very controlled for like year n half 2yrs now #so theres no reason i should be concerned but i am and i think taking my vitals everyday would make me feel much better #cause like nevermind the fact i havent had a deep breath in like 5 years and im constantly lifting like many many pounds of stuff #all at once all day long and like getting a workout essentially my slightly elevated heart rate means im just gonna like #drop to the floor n black out or like explode or something like theres no reason i need to be taking my pulse like 10 times a day #but it makes me feel better and i will give into that #much like spraying my house with lysol constantly or having to do my door lock routine like 3 times a night it makes me feel better #and i will totally give into that #like thats relatively normal i feel like #i wore a watch for like 2 months straight cause in my mind that was the only thing preventing nuclear war and like i dont wear watches #like that but alas i had to cause im built different (incorrectly) and it was my job to prevent nuclear war #wow im so normal about everything

[bangcakes]

.

#the boy update is that ive calmed down significantly and am once again a Human #i'll see him when i see him. im not gonna stress anymore #hes busy working like crazy anyway and i need to get a job NDNJDDNDNDMDM #like i still really like him but i think my priorities have been Fucked NDNDJDJDJDJDJD #BUT IM BACK ON TRACK. YA. #my other friends also back from her trip so thats exciting. i missed her JDJJDDJDDDD #i just..... its gonna take me awhile to ask to hang out. im just SHY and also I HAVENT FELT LIKE SEEING ANYONE DJDJZJSKSKSKSKSKSKS #but now im better... yeah i think i just needed like to be a hermit for a bit #plus i suddenly am super busy this week like what the fuck. family AND friend things. like did everyone just Wake Up all of a sudden NDJJD #like we may even see my cousins from alberta. im like JDJDD OK??? #havent seen them in like.... im gonna say 10+ years. and of course its this week that theyre here with my uncle #who ive only met like idk 3 times JDJJDKDKKDJDJD #and of those times... hes been drunk out his mind i think... 2.5/3 NDJDJD #i think hes sober now tho???? #idk. we might not even see them. my moms side is really flakey 💀 #but hes my moms fav brother and shes his fave sister so i hope they get to see each other NDJDJJDJDJD theyre only a year apart #its so weird bc him and my mom were so close but then like... lets just say Life and he moved away and ya zzjjdjdkdj #they had this like. super long like 4 hour talk on the phone a few minths ago and idk i think it cleared up like the last 30 years. idk man #my moms side is crazy. thats all i'll say #personal

[imma-lil-sunshy]

I've been forgetting like regular everyday words and stopping mid sentence a lot lately. ... googling if I should be concerned

#its the depression the anemia the fibromyalgia and anxiety and the disorded eating #but really #my brain has been in molasses for weeks now #it could be stress and probably is #dont uhhhh dont know what to do abt that tho lol #i think everything just stresses me out #you know the genocides that politicians are ignoring and me feeling like an idiot going to work everyday #boycotting the big 3 but ultimately just feeling helpless from where i am #thats a weight and god i cannot imagine the horrors and the despair gaza and condo are all feeling #i pray every and am finding things i can do #but ultimately thats a big weight on my mind #as it should be #but i dont know if thats the straw breaking the camels back for me #suddenly feeling like i have an illusive concussion if that makes sense?? #idk ik i need to go to the dr but i dont wanna payyyyyy

[myownprivatcidaho]

whats tough about like. Having Chemistry and spending time with someone at the start of the spring semester is that valentines day is coming up and its like a make or break point with what you may or may not Be and you have to question what direction things are headed in and its a pressure just Not present in the fall semester idk. idk

#we uhhhh. kinda hit a bump in the road ...... idk. #hes. been very gentle and kind and understanding about where im coming from and so we havent talked in a couple days but just .... #god ok fuck it. we were hanging out saturday night and at some point we were going somewhere where parking sucked so i just suggested we go #in his car rather than separate bc finding parking for ONE car is a Struggle. anyways so afterwards we went back to where i parked my car #and i hahahhaaaaa was NOT leaving. it was just past midnight and so we were just hanging in his car talking for abt an hour #in there at some point i told him about that last crush and how it dragged on and he was like jesus CHRIST sia thats a lot #i was reclined in my seat and shutting my eyes listening to the music and i caught him looking at me a couple times andddddd uh #yeah basically i ended up in his lap and then we were kissing and touching and grinding for like the next hour and a half #and he asked if i wanted to go back to my place and i was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh not now so we stayed in there and just made out & talked more #and then he TOLD me. basically hes in a similar situation i was in this time last year. like a girl he liked and was talking to actually #has a bf. hes sorta in limbo and she still talks to bim and is stringing him along and playing off his hopes theyll get together for. #entertainment ig. everyone at this school is fantastic btw. jesus fucking christ. #so yeah he told me bc he said he didnt wanna hurt me or end up fucking me over and that i deserved full honesty and didnt want to get my #hopes up. which i REALLY appreciate. we talked for 8 days he got carried away once and immediately owned up. i do appreciate that #so like. he said that we can just be friends with or without benefits and i said id think about it. then at like 3 am we went home and he #check in with me to make sure i was alright since he could tell i had a LOT on my mind. i said id call him the next day and so we talked #and basically i explained the reason for my apprehensions and why i said no to hooking up (csa) and he was really understanding #and then like. i just asked him more about what was going through his head the night before & he described it as a heat of the moment thing #(which i agree it was) and like. he was genuinely concerned about me tho. idk #i told him that after i got home i had to shower for an hour scrubbyat every place he touched me and that im tired of feeling used #and he really heard me out and listened. he also asked if he hurt me and i said no but it def could have gotten to that point and i #and so he said 'im sorry for making your life at all hafrder to deal with' and i REALLY really #appreciate him being as honest as he was. so i said its cool we can be friends but i just need some space rn & he once again was really #understanding & said 'for as long as you need. just let me know whenever youre ready to just be friends again & if you need me to stay sway #from [xyz places we hung out] just let me know and if you need anything for class just feel free to reach out' #and. GOD i appreciate him. so that convo closed out on good terms. i was worried id need WEEKS but it rlly was just a few hours after that #i was ok again. traumas all about narratives and before that convo all i could see was another instance i was usee but like. #after actually talking it out all the fear around it dissipated and i can just see it for what it was: 2 friends who got carried away #but i really REALLY appreciate how hes handled this and we're both single & attracted to each other and so the question im thinking now is: #crushposting

[quarterprioritymidnight]

also I’ve always been super impressed with how private the guys are considering. like with their level of fame and success i’m surprised they aren’t papped more and followed lol maybe it’s just not that bad in england bc in america a celeb sets one foot out in public and they’re practically mobbed, it’s crazy. so i’m glad they’re able to just live their lives for the most part (hopefully, idk what their interactions are actually like in public obv lol)

that's because no one actually cares about bastille here babe

nah fr though dans talked about not wanting to be like 'famous' and kind of watering down their personality in early interviews and not saying anything controversial to try and stay out of the limelight, so i guess that worked lol.

#ask #anon #i do think its funny tho i think the one i compare them to in my mind is the 1975 #in terms of them coming up at the same time in the same kind of scene #and how famous/controversial matty healy is now even though bas have like a third more monthly listeners on spotify #like i think if they wanted to they could've been bigger 'celebrities' but also that just doesnt seem to be what dan wants at all #which like fair play man hes raking in that pompeii happier money working with all these famous people #and can still just walk down the street living the dream man #also another tangent but idk if youre american but is the us fanbase just more intense than the uk one also #cause i was talking to an american fan at kew and she was telling me some wild things and saying their fanbase is super insane over there #so idk if thats part of it but ngl its like a running joke among my friends here that i ride or die for bas #like respectfully they think its a super weird band to be into in the year of our lord 2023

[savage-rhi]

I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.

#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to #place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like #LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee #so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of #people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take #a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM) #the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore #ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team #but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up #graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made #my adhd brain go WELL SHIT #ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do #love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving #people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt #but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel #amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou #life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i #just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive #but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present #and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now #on a positive note... #my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made #a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little #im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor #i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it #but damn it im tired #thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave #if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you #please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you