#i lost all my feelings and thoughts

[taeyungie]

hi ♡ i guess i'm back? 🥹

here's a little life update! i think you guys deserve it after my absence that lasted longer than even i expected it to last ;( i am very sorry about that. i miss everyone here and bangtan so much, you have no idea. the reason for all that is that for the past months i have been going through a lot of things and changes in my life. there were good and bad things happening, time flies extra fast, days melt into one and i didn't even notice the past half a year pass. although i think my absence was unavoidable in these circumstances i just thought that you guys deserve to know what's been up with me for the past months haha i have received a lot messages and reminders that people remember about me and that they miss me and i just want to send all of you my biggest apologies for leaving you for so long with no response, as well as all my love and gratitude! 🥺 i think i've been always fairly transparent on here so if anyone wanted to know more I'll leave some more details in the tags but basically I just hope that soon i will be able to become more active again and respond to messages ❤️❤️❤️ i hope everyone is doing great 🥰

#honestly... it was yoongi's comeback that made it happen. that made me have motivation to come back. i didnt expect it but here we are LOL #because for the past months i have been struggling a lot and i almost lost all the connections with my friends family and bangtan #i lost all my feelings and thoughts #i didnt miss anyone i didnt want to do anything i didnt want to be anywhere. i was completely submerged into my own head #i still am. it didnt exactly get better but.. its just yoongis impact jasbhdjdjd he made me remeber a lot #in october last year i developed a very agressive eating disorder and its gotten a lot worse at the begging of this year #and it has taken everything from me. it sucked me dry and still continues to do so. it made my mental health so much worse on every level #but im still here and thats what matters in the end right ❤️ #from the good things - after long unfortunate and very stressful job hunting i finally got a stable job 🥰 and i continue my uni so far #that's why i was absent here most of the time. i decided to focus on my life and on trying to change something and to fight a little more #after jin's enlistment announcement... it was a wake up call for me #and maybe soon i will be back on track but im taking things slow. especially that its not easy for me at all #but i just wanted you to know that theres been a lot happening here so ❤️ im not just getting bored of tumblr and bts haha #i never stopped following the fandom i never turned off my notifications from media i never stopped looking up what they're up to each day #i just didnt have time and motivation to be active. because of my health i wanted to be quiet and away from eveyone and everything :/ #even from my comfort people and activities #that sounds sad but. it's alright so please don't worry about me ❤️ I'm holding on just fine. got used to some things ❤️ trying to heal #so yeah i think thats that haha i think its enough and all basically #it may seem like very little but my life has always been very slow when it comes to big actions haha #anyway. love you all so much ❤️ thank you for not forgetting about me ❤️ #soon i will try to answer some mesdages from my inbox. please wait for me just a little bit more ❤️ im very overworked right now #but im so sorry that you have to wait so long ❤️

[shima-draws]

I’ve mentioned it before but I’m a fucking sucker for unhealthy dependent relationships. There’s just something about them that is so. Chef’s kiss 👌

Anyway I’m still thinking about how Law was so attached to Cora and was so traumatized by his death that he literally devoted thirteen YEARS of his life to revenge killing Doflamingo. Even though all Cora ever wanted was for Law to just be free and live his life happily. And Law spending all his time in a hateful revenge spiral is literally the exact OPPOSITE of what Cora wanted for him. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. If the thirteen years of endless devotion to avenging his savior wasn’t enough Law 1. Named his pirate crew the Heart Pirates in honor of Cora, 2. Covered himself in permanent heart-themed tattoos in honor of Cora, and 3. Fashioned his Jolly Roger to be a mockery of Doflamingo’s and ALSO to honor Cora. Homie is a walking memorial for a man he only really knew for six months and again crafted the most intricate plan known to mankind to murder Cora’s killer. Because losing Cora fucked him up THAT much. Because even though Cora set him free, the moment Doflamingo shot him Law was chained to the memory of a man who no longer existed. Law literally fashioned his entire life down to his own appearance after Cora and it makes me so insane. I cannot even imagine what went through his head after Dressrosa I mean how do you move on after a thirteen year grudge is put to rest. What is he supposed to do now. Avenging Cora was literally his entire existence, his entire reason for living for half of his life. He needs therapy probably. If Cora somehow ever did come back to life Law would lose his fucking mind. The dependency is SO unhealthy and I am SO here for it

#Anyway this is not me promoting unhealthy relationships irl #If you are that dependent on someone that you can’t bear to live without them. Get help! Therapy!! Actually!!! #In fiction tho it is a wonderful treat. Haha yes I love to watch my faves suffer. #One Piece #Trafalgar Law #Donquixote Rosinante #Donquixote Doflamingo #Doflamingo #Cora #One Piece Cora #One Piece spoilers #Dressrosa #Shima speaks #I AM SO. HNNGHHH. I AM UNWELL. I probably also need therapy. LMAO #Oda why did you do this why did you kill Law’s dad (again) #Law: Feel like shit just want Cora-san back #Also I didn’t even get into how much Cora influenced Law’s life VS how his actual blood family influenced his life #Flevance was traumatic as FUCK and yet all of Law’s notable trademarks are still Cora-themed… #(Bc Cora saved him. Bc Cora gave him a reason to live after he thought he’d lost everything) #Slams my head into the wall and howls

[morii-moth]

GOD i love them

#finally finished this #in between school and work being generally bad at focusing #and bad at actually enjoying drawing lmao #so this took a while #so ofc i started to detest everything iv ever made half way thru #none the less #my favourite group of very straight men #am i allowed to hc theyre all in a polycule #kyle being platonically part of it ofc #like scooby doo u feel me? #they also lost their sapphic #she was already betrothed so had to go #rant over i have too many thoughts in my head for it to be 4am on a school night #inthelittlewood #mythicalsausage #kyle eff #oli orionsound #gtwscar #scurvyblr #kisstrels #itlwart #pirates smp #pirates smp fanart #moriidraws

[mitamicah]

Going back to a simpler time same time 9 days ago more or less where it was all just adorable ESC content of musicians meeting and having a blast on the turqoise carpet :’3

(aka drawing my fave meeting up with my friends’ faves)

#I have slowly been getting out of the initial feelings of dissapointment and is now appreciating all the good times #these were drawn before the show and I thought you might want to see them #I hope to draw some more käärijä fanart soon as well #hopefully you'll be alright with that #I know it is a bit out of my normal niche #and that art doesn't normally do well #esc #esc2023 #lord of the lost #käärijä #mine #my own art

[maulfucker]

So fucked up that obimaul is a rarepair. What do you mean not everyone is obsessed with enemies to lovers with a Force connection, where one side is completely obsessed with the other who barely acknowledges him (but is just as affected)

#hm i should make an original post tag #obimaul #like. say what you want but obi-wan saw a random dathomirian zabrak and immediately went 'maul?? alive??' #he DOES care about maul he just doesn't actively seek him out like maul does #post prompted by this song that makes me think about Maul in his crime lord era‚ all the luxury of the world within his reach‚ #but none of it satisfies him because what he really wants is to find (and kill) kenobi #'another night up in the best suite; everything's gone wrong already‚ my body admits; dreaming so high the floor is the limit; #once again i got lost.. [...] another night i give myself‚ top of a skyscraper; i'm the king of the world‚ dreams for rent; #and when i look at myself i sigh with a low voice‚ 'i don't feel bad i just feel nothing'' #(<- song is são paulo‚ 2015 by jão) #it's a song about feeling dissatisfied with the life of fame because there's an emptiness he can't fill with sex drugs or luxuries #and from the context of the album it's likely he's thinking about a past lover he's still not over #so. imagine with me. #i might make something out of this. maybe. #but like. posting about songs that make me think obimaul thoughts. not very productive. almost no audience. #... and while making this post i've been attacked by yet another song with a very obimaul words #'lie to me‚ run from me‚ we swear it doesn't count‚ in this way of ours‚ but it's not because i hate you that i can't kiss you anymore' #<- pilantra by jão and anitta

[books-books-smolderinglooks]

This isn't how it's supposed to be..

Inspired by @raincitygirl76's lovely post about beloved Simon's emotional state here. 💜🧡

#young royals #wilmon #simon eriksson #gaaaah the way you just see it all and feel it all!! 😭 #his thoughts are all - have i really lost him? 🥺 #i'll never tire of these heartwrenching scenes! #break me down and put me back together lol #amazing acting indeed! #go read that great post y'all! 🌼 #beautiful human! #oops almost forgot.. #the curlsssss! 🥰 #the only curls that matter #my gifs yr #wille x simon

[zeb-z]

I’ve made a billion fucking drafts and can’t find the words to talk about cellbit and bagi from today. how the fuck do you explain the intricacies between a brother who has lived a life that has sharpened him to cut what he touches, and a sister who had to live with his absence? a man who has to see the childhood he never got to have whenever he looks at the woman he now knows is his twin? said twin who cannot understand why her brother would be anything but glad they are reunited? how do you get across that tangled mess of emotions cellbit had to get him to burn his old pet worm? the paradox of longing for what could have been while desperate to get rid of any reminder, with a healthy dose of paranoia that anything could be a federation bug. or the pure devotion bagi has to decide to stick with her brother even though he is not close to the same as he was when he went missing? the unfairness of it all, of cellbit being taken and made into a killer before he turned 14, of bagi looking for him at the detriment of her own safety and self, of ripped up childhoods and everything that could have been? the fact that the first thing cellbit asks is what he could have done to deserve it? the disgust he holds for himself for what he’s done, and the anger he has for the federation that’s taken everything from him, and the resentment he has towards bagi no matter how unfair it is because she never had to go through what he did? how after bagi swore to help him burn the federation down, cellbit went to bad instead, because bad was there and fought alongside him, and he trusts bad because he’s seen him at his worst, and all he feels like doing is his worst right now? the two of them so similar still because they’re consumed by their need for revenge, while bagi just wants to leave the island? how the fuck can you summarize all this and the emotions that accompany it?

#adding this here a lil too late but bagi’s own resentment because she’s been looking for years and he’s been doing nothing even though he #doesn’t remember #like great! you put more childhood trauma and the feeling you get coming home to a place that isn’t home anymore in my minecraft rp :/ #like. fuck what do we do with all this??? #there’s such a specific visceral anguish around ruined childhood and knowing that things will never be like the good old days again yknow? #especially when said childhood ruiner is ‘I was taken from my home and made to fight in a literal war’ like wtaf #or when it’s losing a sibling and missing them like a lost fucking organ #sorry if this is too train of conciousness I’m tired and word vomiting and emotional at all this pfkdjfjs #idk I have thoughts I cannot verbalize about this. tv static in my chest #all this lead up to tomorrow where Cellbit will finally meet hatsune miku #mcyt #qsmp #cellbit #q!cellbit #bagi #q!bagi #q!bbh #z speaks

[meownotgood]

it felt amazing to finally see that green checkmark on ao3, to finally move the full fic to my finished folders on docs, to finally say with my whole chest that it's really completed...

I'm proud of myself and what I managed to make, I'd been working on this fic for over a year, and I felt a lot of doubts while writing. I didn't expect to write so much. I often thought I was saying too much, or the fic wasn't good enough. when I reread it, I realized it wasn't perfect, but it doesn't have to be. I wrote something that was so unabashedly me, and I'm so grateful for that feeling. I'm so happy that I can write what I enjoy, that I can be myself while doing what I have always loved the most. I learned and progressed, and I can feel only excitement for whatever I write next!!

thank you for your patience, and if you end up reading, thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart 💞

I took off work tomorrow to celebrate lol (actually because I'm still sick but we're calling it a celebration). I don't know what to say next so here's some cute pictures of aki. three cheers for fic completion 🎉🎉🎉

#it's weird because #I thought after finishing this #I'd want to not write again for a very long time #but I just want to write even more tomorrow lol #insanity is real yall don't get the topknot virus #I appreciate everyone who has stuck with me! #comments and reblogs and kudos on ao3 are always appreciated but don't feel pressured #fanfic seriously changed my life for the better #at the time I picked up writing again I was in a very lost state #but since then I've been happier and happier #I've grown my writing but also grown as a person #I want to improve my writing while continuing to make the silly things I enjoy #don't know what I'm saying anymore #tomorrow I'll celebrate by eating a strawberry cake I baked with my mum #and I will give all the akis a bite too 💪💪💪💪

[soloorganaas]

i just read this sentence in hp lexicon:

But the most important defensive measure the Lupin taught Harry was outside of class, the Patronus Charm, "Expecto Patronum" which he used to save himself and his godfather, Sirius Black, from Dementors

and i cannot believe it took me until today to connect the dots that remus was indirectly responsible for saving sirius’s life

#in my head i was always like oh yeah patronus saves harry protects him from his traumas etc etc #i have read PoA 200000000 times #this is so embarrassing but i am also full of a lot of Feelings rn #wolfstar #fam: christmas gift #hp #like all that time he thought sirius was guilty he was inadvertently teaching harry what he needed to know to stop the love of remus's life #who was actually innocent from being lost to him forever just after he'd got him back #i am so upset

[tunapesto]

anchor

#genshin impact #haikaveh #kavehtham #kaveh #al haitham #youre my anchor!!! hhhhgguuuuuaaaa what a concept #i project the depression onto kaveh for entertainment purposes (the betterment of my wellbeing) #sometimes you feel like floating and it doesnt stop. youre helpless and get lost in thought. its important for someone to hold you down #thinks about all the balloons that just get let go and fly into the sky #some.. achilles come down isms too. love that song #art

[quickhacked]

Mikhail and Vitali were inseparable; when they weren’t studying or getting into fights, they would hang out at Mikhail’s place to smoke and get drunk on cheap rum and vodka, to then pass out in each other’s arms and sleep most of the next day away. They promised each other— no matter what would happen— they would never leave each other’s side. Yet after starting university and college respectively, they did not see each other for a little over six years, leaving them both heartbroken and wondering what went wrong.

by lucas expedidor // catch me if you can; eden // clementine von radics, from 'courtney love prays to oregon' // sam sax, cruising: a broken tiara // 'ceramic home' by heavensghost; quote from john murillo // 'something's changed' by laiikastears // i don't want to watch the world end with someone else; clinton kane // fortesa latifi, from 'the truth about grief' // audre lorde, the evening news // frank o'hara, biotherm (for bill berkson) // heading home; ruben // 'preface to a dream' by alessandra casini // tokyo; caroline kole // langston hughes, poem // haruki murakami, norwegian wood // julie buntin, marlena // by lute // by aleksandr popov // anyway; noah kahan // christa wolf, cassandra: a novel and four essays

#cp2077 #edit:mikhail #edit:vitali #nuclearocs #nuclearedits #happy birthday to my two boys :^) yes they share the same birthday what about it. it's essential to their whole. thing #whatever it is. they're like soulmates but also they are NOT dating. i need you to understand that. because it makes everything funnier #you guys remember when i first introduced them here and people thought they were together. good times honestly #but yeah no vitali is officially dating vincent and mikhail is just their eternal third wheel. their relationship can't be defined #they also reunite of course but i LOVE emphasizing their grief. they didn't know they'd ever see each other again #and they've known each other since around age 12. imagine spending almost every day with someone who CHOSE you #and then suddenly not seeing them or talking to them for YEARS. what do you do with that grief. that pain #sure they've found each other back but what do you do with that. where do you put it. it makes me insane!!! #they both were so lonely in their own way. vitali getting lost in vices and crowds but ending up all by himself at the end of the day #and mikhail drowning himself in studying and pushing himself far over his limits just to distract himself from the hole in his chest #night city in my head is much more massive than what it feels like in game. like yeah it feels big but not. BIG big #and i think mikhail and vitali's story and them losing contact while only a district apart really emphasizes how like #how HUGE this city is not only in terms of actual land it covers but also just. how overwhelming it is. how it can swallow you whole #anyway if you've read all of this hi. wanna make out

[demadogs]

ok the rate at which shows are being canceled after one season is becoming more and more ridiculous and excruciating to the point where they dont even give people TIME to watch the shows anymore!! i will be recommended a good show by a friend and think “ooo im excited to watch when im not super busy” and then just a month later before i even had the chance to watch it, its already canceled.

and these days whats considered a “successful show” has to surpass hundreds and hundreds of millions, sometimes over a BILLION hours streamed to be worthy of renewing but when shows get somewhere between 50 million and 100 million theyre treated like they were a complete flop even though that is STILL MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO WERE INVESTED IN THE SHOW AND WOULD WATCH FUTURE SEASONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was going to watch that show. i was so beyond excited to watch that show. it had one of my favorite actors in it and it was produced by the same creators of my favorite show of all time. but because i have responsibilities from work and school like a normal fucking adult, i couldnt make the time to watch it and now only a week after i was recommended the show, it was already canceled.

i am used to mourning stories that ive become attached to that will never be complete, but this is altogether different. you didn’t even give me a chance to meet these characters or watch this story. a story that an entire cast and crew of probably thousands of people put all their hearts and soul and TIME into and yet you gave it just a fucking month before you decided it was unworthy of pursuing. even though tens of millions of people who were lucky enough to have been available to watch it at the time thought otherwise.

#im so mad im so mad im so mad #dark is my favorite show ever of all time ever ever ever and 1899 is made by the same creators #when i tell you i lost my shit i was so fucking excited but IM FILMING MY THESIS RIGHT NOW IM DOING WORK I DONT HAVE TIME #I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AT LEAST THREE MOTNHS BEFORE THEY RENEWED IT OR NOT #i love wednesday but i feel like that show is a big reason why this one was canceled #it came out the same week and wednesday got over a billion streams so 1899 having only 87 million looks bad but THATS STILL 87 MILLION??? #im so fucking pissed rn #if dark got canceled before s3 i would have fucking ended it all thank god at least i have that #but now ill probably never watch 1899 bc i dont want to love it and never know the ending #im so mad #1899 #netflix #byler #youll agree w me

[puppyeared]

When you backread through a fun conversation you had with someone for hours an angel gets its wings

#I was talking to my brother about Norman doors and I had fun in my UX class and he was telling me about demon cores and the trolley problem #in his class. AND I remembered to take my meds today so I can feel every cell in my body. i can feel the neurons rubbing together #and yesterday I infodumped about the specialists bullseye chart to crow and how it ties with witch hat atelier #WHICH I MANAGED TOGET THEM TK READ IM SO HAPPY. I MAKE SQUEALING GUINEA PIG NOISES EVERY TIME THEY TELL ME WHAT THEYVE READ SO FAR. AHH #i might not even be scratching the surface with witch hat there are so many themes i could not possibly fathom or go over my heasd #and thats what makes it so exciting there are so many spaces in between that you can fill with your thoughts and i. i #waves my hands around manically #for anyone interested in my insane ramblings. the bullseye chart is from are we all scientific experts now by harry collins #in my own words its basically saying everything we know about anything is a game of broken telephone #and it discusses how information gets lost in translation between experts and laymen including things that arent in control #one of the main points was how things that happen between experts are complicated including debates and findings #that you can only really understand thru research and experience in that field and cant be smoothly shared without it being reworded #and risking some of those key points. or even concepts that are hard to understand that cant be shared at all #like if you tried to tell me about how DNA works using words scientists are familiar with but i am NOT- i risk missing concepts that i need #to understand to know how it works on the level you understand. or i risk having it reworded and understanding it but not on that level #AND IT DOES TIE TO WITCH HAT THE WITCH AND NORMAL FOLK COMMUNITIES I PROMISE. ITS SO INTERESTING #anyway i spent hours reading back thru that conversation and i might as well admit it goes for almost every fun conversation i have #and it might be the 20mg of adderall in my body but i am in such a state of peace and love i have to verbalize it. ahh #yapping

[demonbloodenthusiast]

91w deancas is so delusional cause they been making heart eyes at each other since day fucking one, calling the other sweatheart, thinking of kissing the other innocently just for the sake of the other being kissed, because they deserve that softness in the midst of all the chaos around them and the minute they actually get to it (motherfucking 200 pages in mind you) they try so hard to revert it back into something purely phisical with no emotions involved AND THEY KNOW THAT IT'S MORE BUT IF THEY BOTTLE IT UP AND IGNORE IT THEN ALL THE REVERENCE OF MOST OF THEIR LOOKS AND TOUCHES WILL JUST DISAPPEAR which is the epitome of the dilusional repressed gay way of doing anything

#shut up i'm feeling things again #like mind you i'm talking about shit up til chapter8 #THIS HAS BEEN ROMANTIC THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TIME THEY'RE JUST SO SCARED TO FEEL ANYTHING #like cas the repressed gay boyTM losing all self control for the first time cause of dean #and dean “just had a queer awakening caused by my CO and i'm too new to having gay thoughts to be ashamed” winchester ??? #it's a mess yall and i'm torn between being mad as hell and supporting each sorta shitty decision either of them makes #i wanna say mostly cas #but like as estabilished before #religous trauma blah blah repressed gay shit blah blah #you know how it is #i think i lost the train of thought somewhere along the way #ANYWAYSSS #i'm gonna be talking about 91w again constantly cause i'm plauged by thoughts #91w #destiel

[kitorin]

I WANNA GET HIS NUMBER

#sou's thoughts #hi here to give context down here #i've been going to this badminton club #and there's this super sweet guy who i admire sm #bc i don't speak chinese at all and people keep assuming i do but never remember that i don't #BUT HE REMEMBERED I DON'T and even goes as far as speaking english for me and translating #like this lady started speaking to me in chinese and i was so lost BUT HE WAS NEARBY AND TRANSLATED FOR ME #school starts soon so tomorrow's my last day #since wechat won't work (mf won't let me sign up) i'm gonna ask for his number #also i wanna try do more small talk !! #idek his age yet and what he does i just know how long he's played #but he's super fun to play with so i want to invite him if i ever book courts during the term #he's literally my role model #i wanna make someone feel that welcome bc before i spoke to him i felt so left out #and kept telling myself that i should just push through and make use of being able to play with new people #now i've been so excited to go and speak to new people #anyways long ass ramble but wish me luck !! #ngl last time i made friends outside of school i did it by trading parent numbers #SO LIIIIIKE #i'm nervous

[poke-poke-poke]

He's lost (lol)

uhh (first) 'lineart' and stuff under here - nothing fancy-

haha i uh. couldnt figure out what expression i was gunning for here or the vibe tbh the lineart only has the old expression oops

#art #pokemon swsh #pokemon sword and shield #pkmn swsh #pkmn sword and shield #poke's doodles #gym leader raihan #uhhhhh i wanted to draw raihannn and thats where my thought process ended- #i also have so very little energy.. so this isnt like. wowie perfect 100/10 etc #oh yea - this was because i used a prompt thing and it said 'lost' and i could have chosen leon yea but- #-thats BORING!!!!!!! #anyways im bullying raihan - get stuck in a massive sandstorm dragon boy #all i have.drawn lately is raihan.......... he's a major comfort guy to draw for me - so i just draw him when feeling bleehhh #same goes for the BEST gooey dragon pokemon tbhhh :'] #i'm only posting this doodle though--- because i at least sorta have to try to hide my bias towards him-