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#i need to make more... but im so busy.... ill just rotate them in my head for now
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I saw the "#is there yaoi in the arakawa family" tag basically right as it popped up in the notes and was also left completely dead on the pavement, but honestly? As someone who is wholly and irrevocably AraSawa-pilled (whether said pill is red or blue in color is up to interpretation...), it's objectively SO much funnier if they're just Like That. I love your comics on the topic!
There's also some element of this post I saw earlier I think, divorced from the sexual context since it's not really relevant to what I want to talk about (you'll just have to bear with me there I guess lol, can't help what the post says). It's also still pretty melodramatic applied to them (even for me) when it chiefly is just. Hilarious. But what I'm trying to say is that, taking a more serious approach, "unresolved potential" is such a compelling and central recurring beat here, so what's one more instance?
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I guess that post kind of presupposes that there is or could be yaoi, but I think it's kind of like. The concept of "yuri of absence." But with dads. Like that's along the lines of the emotion things like the pair of armchairs on the second floor of Jo's office evokes in me. Honestly I think this particular ask is probably one of the least intelligible I've sent and I'll probably regret it. But. It's. They're married. But they're not. But They're Married. BUT THEY'RE NOT. But th
after meeting with The Arakawa Family Council the verdict i bring to everyone today on Is There Yaoi In The Arakawa Family is:
Well,
#fave#snap chats#OK BUT NO I FEEL LIKE I AGREE TOTALLY#like it really is... indescribable.... like what's going on here... because it's definitely something..... but not THAT but????#yeah they're married but i don't think they know that.#like its different from the married/divorced energy between kashiwagi and kazama yk what i mean#it's like. when hummingbirds co-evolve with flowers right.#like they just ACCIDENTALLY co-exist perfectly with each other after being around each other so long#like it infinitely is better if its just limbo situation where its like. What Do We Even Label This As. Should We. Do We.#cause again it's infinitely funnier if this all happens and they arent the slightest bit aware#desperately need a montage of arakawa and jo just being in really domestic situations together#but like. with the most This Isn't Anything Serious energy right#like ichi running into the office and jo and arakawa are just having a cute lil candlelit dinner#and ichi just Oh Is This Like... A Thing... but neither of them blink arakawa just wanna know what ichi wants like :)?#thank you for enjoying my comics on the idea though it's really fun walking the line between Being Serious and just Being Silly#i need to make more... but im so busy.... ill just rotate them in my head for now#ill just rb my old faves on the idea lmao#like its funny to toe being For Real bout it if not so i can make more silly slice of life manga parodies#i think itd just be funny if jo experiences human emotion for the first time and its in the most awkward situation imaginable#yk. the drama of it all its so goofy#ohhh but i dont wanna write my silly essay about them.. not now anyway... i do enjoy them immensely tho.#in case that wasn't evident. i'll ramble about them in another post of mine im sure :)#but yes thank you for your input i was hoping you'd come around LMAO i needed that peer review#and im glad- as per usual- we came to the same conclusion. We Don't Know.#edit: in review as it turns out its not old man yaoi its old man yuri. thats my final answer im locking it in
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ghostbite0 · 25 days
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i got a ton of asks in my inbox so im just going to put all of them here so i don't spam u guys with it haha
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this is really the only guy i use. felt pen on clip studio is excellent for the sketchier style i like! when it comes to coloring i just use a basic solid brush !
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i imagine they do, and they each get assigned a baby (tanjiro with giyuu, inosuke with sanemi, and zenitsu with obanai) but it lasts for barely a day. inosuke has no idea what hes doing and obanai cant stand zenitsu
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tengens wives find the situation hysterical but they help out however they can. ofc they all fight over tengen. they love helping out with the kiddies but they especially enjoy taking care of the younger ones-- they think mui, mitsuri, and shinobu are adorable! tengen definitely tries to flirt with them but hes a cringe fail ten year old
kanao, aoi, and the butterfly girls all help out as well. kanao and shinobu are typically glued together
shinjuro and senjuro are shocked to see rengoku (and obanai) and while shinjuro is pissed off at first, he can't Not take in his boys. senjuro and little obanai are super similar in nature so
urokodaki, tengen, and nezuko are worried but excited about giyuu's transformation. they're like lets freaking go. good childhood moment
and of course genya thinks the situation is hilarious and hes happy to get to spend time with his brother, although he's VERRRRY awkward. he's a bit avoidant at times but usually gyomei and tanjiro can talk him
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aw thank you! to answer your question;; shinobu and gyomei basically spend time with him and are attentive to his wants/needs to help him recognize he does matter. rengoku and the others help with this! essentially love language stuff and affirmations and what not
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ill be honest i totally forgot about this. yea! i would say the babies are only put in a very specific area of the manor and they deep clean it constantly. if they have a good amount of sick/wounded i imagine they have gyomei or etc take them in. im not sure! in my mind the hashira all rotate and babysit and etc
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this 100% happens. urokodaki learned the news and had never traveled to the headquarters so fast
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ohh this is a fun question! truthfully im not sure what the answer to this would be... i appreciate all the questions/ideas/etc!! if anything id love to have more questions about general characterization stuff, since thats my favorite favorite favorite to talk about!!! maybe more questions about like... what their relationships are like, do they have nicknames for each other, that sort of thing... idk! either way im glad people are interested :D
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sanemi tries to make them laugh. he remembers his little siblings always cheering up when he would make silly faces and sounds, so he does that here
giyuu awkwardly pats the other baby's back/head and is like "there there" ... he remembers how sabito's hugs would make him feel better so he awkwardly hugs the other. most of the time obanai/sanemi stop crying purely bc they're confused as to why giyuu is hugging them
obanai would usually talk them out of it, but he can't do too much since he's restricted to baby babble. so instead, he will try to find one of their toys and "gift" it to them. ex giyuu was sobbing hysterically until obanai found his fox plushie and gave it to him
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awww shucks... stop it u guys.....!
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im doing ok!!! hanging in! got 3/13 commissions done so busy busy!
also, for future ref, i prefer being called "bite" !!! i know a lot of people call me ghost, so i just wanted to take a moment to correct that :D
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awwwwww this is so sweet!! thank you so much!!!!!!
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defintely one of the rodent pokemon. my favorite pokemon changes constantly but im told i have mimikyu / teddiursa / bunneary vibes. i also like espurr. i have no idea UWEIHRWE
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i think he would be a little awkward at first but he would get the hang of it. most of what he does is just keep them entertained and make sure they arent sick or hurt. though he eventually builds up the courage to ask if he can feed obanai. from that point on whenever muichiro is babysitting he's the one offering to feed him, though someone else has to make the bottle-- he doesn't know how to do that
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this is canon
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Hands down, Obanai. Though I also feel really sad for Gyomei and Muichiro, and I think Tengen's story (what we know of it) is pretty sad. I don't like comparing traumas, though! but yeah. obanai is. wow. poor guy
and to those of you sending art requests; i see them, i promise! commissions come first, so they may take time for me to get done!
thank you guys for all the questions! i always love checking my inbox and getting an excuse to talk about things...
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depresseddepot · 1 year
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Okay im adding the rest of my glory liveblogging under the cut so i don't have to keep making more posts lol
God everyone in this show is so fucked up. Yeon jin kissing jae jun SECONDS after he strangled her and also jae jun showing up to father day (or whatever its called, idk i never had those) with do yeong RIGHT THERE AUGSHSJJAJA don't listen to them do yeong i would treat you and your money right
do yeong clearly getting pissed abt the way jae jun talks about dong eun IS SO HOT AND STUPID honey you are an old married man with a 1st grader, is now really the time to be getting jealous about your one sided emotional affair. but also its hot. (whats that phrase? hate to see you go but love to watch you walk away? idk i think this is improper usage) this is now the second "hot old sad married business man that was cheated on but also had his own emotional affair BEFORE he realized he was being cheated on" on my list of rotating men
god GOD WAIT the way all of her bullies are swearing "ill do anything you say. i swear ill follow you until you die" THE METAPHORS. THE METAPHORS OUGHGGHHG
DO YEONG PLAYING VERY LOUD CLASSICAL MUSIC IN HIS CAR SO THAT HIS DAUGHTER DOESN'T HERE HIM CONFRONT JAE JUN. HQGSJSJSJJSS ALL OF THE MEN IN THIS SHOW ARE DIFFERENT KINDS OF FUCKED UP
soft spoken carefully dressed married businessmen aggressively confronting the people bothering their emotional affair-ees (GOD MY TYPE IS SO WEIRD AND UNOBTAINABLE AHGSHZJAKNAS)
nothing and i mean NOTHING will outweigh the fucking ECSTASY i felt watching park dong hoon beat threaten and beat the shit out of that loan shark in my mister. ive got goosebumps just THINKING ABT IT AAAAAAA
sorry my edible just kicked in
do yeong please. i am begging you. just one chance just ONE
man this show is fucked up. the way jae jun doesn't seem like a terrible awful person at first bc you don't see him physical abuse dong eun but then you watch his character reveal more and more how fucked up he really is and it just shows how men like that never really grow out of it unless they're fucking called out on it
Oh dong eun. honey i am holding you (a woman capable of murder) so gently in my hands. they're all fucked up but jae jun and yeon jin in particular and the way they look at you (the camera) hits a little too close to home
God it is so hard to type under the influence i get so stupidly dizzy
i wonder if do yeong is going to be angrier with dong eun for using him or his wife for lying and cheating? Bc every time I think he's clearly over dong eun he says something that makes me think he intends to defend her or something
noooooo old man stay loyal to your emotional affair 🤡
I CAN BARELY TYPE THIS IK SO EXCITED. YEO JEONG AND DO YEONG IN THE SAME ROOM. EVIL DOCTOR MEETS SAD LONELY BUSINESSMAN
"you need to get up close and personal so you feel it as you go in" i have been so horribly obsessed with love for so long that my taste in men has soured. what is it about these crazy dangerous MANIACS THAT HAS ME SO PUFFED UP. KÖNIG AND GHOST AND NOW YEO JEONG. god the barely contained unhinged violence in his eyes. also is his meeting w do yeong genuinely like an accident??
oh my god. oh my god. YEO JEONG HAS SEEN DONG EUNS ROOM WITH ALL THE PICTYRESWTAPED TO THE WALL AND HE WAS LIKE "yeah okay. secretly i like this and also sure lets have casual domestic hang outs while we talk about damning the people from your past"
THE MEETING WAS ORCHESTRATED. HE'S PLAYING HIS PART AS A PAWN SO EAGERLY "i was annoyed he was cooler than me" sorry. id like to be sandwiched inbetween you two and also dong eun
do yeong is so easily convinced when a pretty slightly dangerous woman looks threateningly in his eyes without wavering AT ALL
yeo jeong, uncomfortable at the sudden mention of illegal violet child abuse: so. uh. how frequently do you wash your sheets
HAGAJJSJABABA ALSO YEO JEONG after being prompted abt his murdery daydreams from a girl planning on being a murderer (i assume): um. can i persuade you to ask me something else?
Also dong eun the whole show is like " 👁👁 "
IM SORRY. THE MAN WHO MURDERED YEO JEONGS DAD WROTE HIM LETTERS DESCRIBING THE MURDER FOR LITERALLY THAT WHOLE TIME
"so your poor son went to hell after all, huh?"
WAIT DONG EUN IS TRIGGERED BY THE SOUND OF SIZZLING AND THAT SOUND RELAXES YEO JEONG. THE METAPHORSSSS
dong eun living literally across the street from yeon jin will also never not be funny
YEON JIN FINDING DONG EUNS ROOM WHILE THE HEAVY METAL PLAYS. YESSSSSS
OH LORD THE HEAVY METAL WHILE YEO JEONG WALKS THREATINGLY INTO A MORGUE. GOD HELP ME. THE GLOVES. also something about a doctor being in the hospital they work at in casual clothes. hot
yeo jeong i would die for you. and i think you would end up being the cause
DO YEONG IN DONG EUNS BEDROOM?????? Oh the parallels
IS THAT THE ENDING
THATS IT????????????????????????????? NO BABY I NEED MORE RIGHT NOW
part 2 coming march 2023. O have to stay alive until march 2023
NOOOOOO IT CAN'T BE OVER I WAS JUST GETTING SO FUCKING EXCITED
noooooo NOOOOO ugh. god damn it how am i supposed to know if do yeong is there to confront his wife or if he's there to protect her!!!!!! NOOO I NEED TO KNOW HOW MURDERY YEO JEONG IS
Edit literally 2 hours later: bro I CANNOT stop thinking about yeo jeong. I have a huge fucking problem. whats that post thats category 5 autism event or something bc i am going through it
I NEED MORE. I NEED MORE RIGHT NOW
something about yeo jeong drives me fucking crazy bro i cant stop thinking about the scene with him gently skimming his fingertips over his scalpels as they slowly get bigger and turn into knives of more and more lethality
The way he described stabbing someone to do yeong. good god these insane men are making ME INSANE TOO
god. christ. i can't handle it. hes so sweet looking but the way the actor immediately shifts into the dead eyed dangerous side of him was so masterfully done
oughghhhh i have to rewatch it RIGHT NOW OR ILL DIE I THINK
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halorocks1214 · 3 years
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Hey, could I request more of that ‘Alan has cancer’ fic please? With Scott looking after Alan when he’s not feeling well, like a really tender moment?
sure! i hope you dont mind me nabbing prompt number 4. “Please stay with me.” for this. its based on the number in your URL :] (i would have also grabbed 7 for fun but theres no way im fitting that sentence in lol)
ill be accepting prompts until tomorrow morning, so get them submitted within the next 7 ish hours if you haven't yet and want to! the prompts are pinned at the top of my blog <3 (im going to bed snnnzzzz)
cw for mentions of cancer/cancer symptoms as well as chemotherapy
technical first part to this story but you don't have to read to understand
Scott vividly remembered a memory of both John and Virgil banning him from the kitchen. They already had Grandma to start fires for them, they don't need Scott helping.
But even they would have to be willing to forgive him for dabbling with their janky pancake maker considering the circumstances.
"It's started," Virgil plainly stated while standing on the other side of Scott's desk.
The brunet could only look up confused, the paper he was reading previously loosely gripped in his hand with one of his favorite pens in the other, "What started?"
Virgil sighed, but not at Scott, just at the situation in general, "I was helping Alan get ready this morning and started brushing his hair. I got about four brushes in before a clump of hair fell out."
Well, what great news to start the day off with.
"Jesus," Scott could only lightly slam the paper and pen he was holding down onto the table to push his wrists into his eyes. "Jesus Christ."
They were all expecting it to happen sooner rather than later, still didn't suck any less.
Virgil walked around to place a gentle hand on his brother's shoulder, rhythmic with his comforting rubs as much as possible, "Yep."
Scott left a hand on the side of his face as he looked out over their house with a shake of his head, staring off into space as a million thoughts raced behind his eyes, "God, why Alan out of all people, out of us? What has he done in his life to deserve this?"
Virgil shrugged his shoulders, swallowing the spit in his mouth as he proceeded to look out over the room just like Scott, "Nothing, absolutely nothing, which is why cancer sucks so much. People who get it never deserve all the pain it brings with it."
John mentioned something about eating lots of healthy things during treatment, didn't he?
Scott grabbed a cup from one of the cabinets before heading over to the fridge. Filling the plastic container to the top with some grapes, pineapple, and carrots (Alan's favorites), Scott went back to the tray to place it on there and leaned away a little bit to make sure everything on it looked presentable.
A few pancakes, a cup of juice, utensils, and now a cup of fruits and veggies.
Scott sighed while carefully grabbing the edges of the whole thing, hoping it would be enough (would anything be enough right now?).
Making his way to Alan's room quietly, he used one of his feet to prod the door open to the kid's room, leaning over the tray in his hands to peek inside. With the sun rising over the horizon and peering in from the window, the room was lit up just enough to make Alan's outline on the bed, IV and all.
For the most part, patients tended to receive their treatment in a clinic or hospital, but occasionally, with the help of an on-site nurse, chemotherapy can be given at a person's own home. With both Brains' and Virgil's expertise, it wasn't that hard convincing the staff to release Alan and to let him stay with his own family.
They weren't dumb with it, and anything they were even slightly unsure about involved inviting a private doctor to the island to help them out, but for the most part, they knew the best thing they could do for the kid was letting him be in a familiar environment he felt safe at.
With a soft 'click', the door was pushed back shut with the same foot he used to open it. Scott took a deep breath, "Alan?"
He thought he would need to speak again before the youngest finally stirred and rotated himself around to look at the door. Once he noticed who was in his room and what that person was carrying, he sat up on his hands and knees with an ear-to-ear grin, "Scott!"
Scott was sure to hide the way he wanted to grimace at how Alan sounded, "Hey Allie, I got something for ya."
Walking over to the bed, Scott leaned down to place the food on Alan's lap, grinning at how happy the smile on his face was. Sitting down on the edge of the covers, Scott crossed his arms as he stayed to make sure nothing went wrong.
Ignoring how Alan's hand trembled while holding the fork, Scott watched Alan take a bite of pancake. He hummed around the utensil in his mouth, words mumbled as he spoke with food in his mouth, "Wow, this is great! Did Virgil make this?"
Scott laughed, though it had a hint of unsureness behind it, "Um, thank you, but no, I made it."
Alan moved to munch on some grapes as he absorbed the words, "But John said you weren't allowed to use the kitchen any more?"
Dirty snitches the lot of his brothers were, sometimes. With a fond sigh, Scott reached forward and ruffled Alan's hair the softest he ever had, "Well, he can take it up with me later if it bothers him so much."
Alan giggled before continuing on and finishing the breakfast Scott made for him. Nothing else needed to be said, everything the two of them needed could be achieved by just being in each other's presence. It almost felt like an eternity, with how slowly Alan was eating, but eternity was exactly how much time Scott had for his brothers anyway.
Setting the fork down, Alan leaned back with a blissed-out sigh, "That hit the spot. Thanks again Scooter."
Scott nodded, "Of course, it was my pleasure."
The brunet stood up and stretched his arms above his head to get the knots out of his back. Before he could fully reach down to grab the tray for when he left the room, Alan shot forward and wrapped his hand around his older brother's wrist.
The grip laughably weak, yet it still tugged on Scott's heart all the same. Despite it all, Alan still had the ability to whip out an absolutely stellar pair of puppy-dog eyes, "Please stay with me."
Scott had a lot to do today. He had to sign a bunch of papers, make a few phone calls, and he still wasn't sure whether or not he needed to go to the mainland for an in-person meeting. Still, "Sure thing, bub."
As gently as he could, Scott lowered himself back onto the bed next to Alan, grabbing the now-free-of-food tray and setting it onto the table next to them. Worming his way closer to the headboard to be more comfortable, Scott had all of two seconds before Alan's head was on his shoulder and the kid's arms were wrapped around his right one.
With a fond sigh, Scott pulled out his phone, content with the idea that he'd probably be hunkering down for a while. After a few rings, he held it horizontal as John's hologram appeared before him.
He spoke quietly, "Hey John, do you mind rescheduling anything I have for today for later in the week? Something came up, I'm gonna be kind of busy."
Noticing the tuft of blond in the corner of Scott's hologram, John didn't need to be told twice, "Sure thing, Scott."
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galaxae · 3 years
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3, 7 and 18 for as many as you can answer; btw do you still have an ocs page? like with introductions and all that
wow this took forever oops!
tysm for the ask!! i’ve been meaning to make a carrd or something with oc intros, but i have so goddamn many ocs and so little time now that i’m in college and all that. and i have the code saved from my old pages before i remade, but those are kind of outdated and incomplete
that being said i’m probably gonna end up making that carrd regardless of how busy i am cause special interest indulgence and all that, so i’ll post about it when i do
anyway! i’m putting the actual oc answers under a readmore because i’m gonna try to do all the ocs i listed and it’ll be kinda long lol
3. What does your oc’s voice sound like? (Or, if you have one, what’s their voiceclaim?) Can they sing, whistle, or roll their rs? Do they have any speech impediments or notable dialects/accents?
how does one even describe voices... ok here goes
avani: she’s my character for a ttrpg campaign, so her voice sounds basically like mine (which might not help much cause you don’t know how i talk lol), but when i’m talking as her i pitch my voice up a bit and make it a bit more nasally. she’s not much of a singer, nor can she whistle, but she can roll her r’s pretty well. also, since she’s autistic and hard of hearing, her tone of voice often comes off the "wrong” way
farhan: he’s another ttrpg character i play lol, or at least he will be next semester, so his voice is again kind of like mine. but when i talk as him i pitch my voice down and it’s a bit hoarse. ig his voice would also be more “masculine” than mine but whatever. he can sing and whistle but has a pretty small vocal range (since he’s, like, 13 right now and will be 16 when i rp him next semester)
carter: i imagine his voice as low and on the quiet and raspy end, with a tiny bit of a lisp. he’s way too insecure to try to sing or even whistle or anything like that, though if he practiced at it he’d probably get pretty good
calira: she’s mute so n/a i guess. but she talks pretty formally in her dialect of elvish sign language, which is definitely unusual
sam: they have kind of a low voice that’s also raspy, but with quite a bit of pep and variation in their tone. they can even sing pretty well and they like to whistle constantly while working. that creates some kind of whiplash cause sam comes off as a typical edgy teen a lot of the time
jizoriel: high-pitched with lots of voice cracks, peak pretentious preteen/early teen jerkass. he can’t really sing or do anything similar, nor does he want to very much
victoria: so quiet and raspy that you can barely make out that it’s low and has a soothing and pleasant tone to it. she can sing well, or at least she could once upon a time
rowan: just! the happiest and most cheerful voice you can imagine! so much love behind how she talks! her voice fills up her whole head and the whole room!! and she whistles sometimes while she walks
ace: defies any masculine or feminine labels, smooth and cool in theory but they stutter quite a bit
charity: gruff but with a hint of cheer and clarity behind it that comes out when she’s startled. she loves to sing but can’t whistle and can’t roll her r’s either
jamal: i actually have a voiceclaim for him! it’s this (the voice that sings from 1:51 to 1:58)
kimberly: her voice is a bit high and a bit... idk how to say it exactly... i guess shrill would be the word?
fabián: his voice seems higher-pitched than it actually is cause he talks higher when he’s anxious, and he’s always anxious. it’s a bit hard to describe his voice otherwise tbh. i can hear it in my head but i can’t quite put it to paper oops. oh yeah also he has a great singing voice but never uses it sooo
7. What song reminds you of this oc? Does this match up with the type of music your oc likes to listen to?
this question opens up a wormhole cause i have playlists for many of these guys but instead i’ll just provide one (1) song for each and vaguely describe their music taste, how does that sound
avani: honestly “mr. capgras encounters a secondhand vanity” by will wood is a “her” song to me. her music taste leans a lot more toward older music though (like some classics from the 70s and 80s and such)
farhan: he’s still very new so i haven’t really found a song for him yet. but i know he absolutely loves peppy and energetic pop music and also sappy gay love songs
carter: (slaps my hand away when i try to type another will wood song) “fantasy island” by the shins always launches me into daydreams about him. which kinda roughly aligns with his music taste, he listens to a lot of those “mainstream indie” artists. he’d also listen to will wood because he’s gay and mentally ill <3
calira: one of my favorite songs on her playlist is “maximillian von spee” by dirt poor robins. but the music she listens to is basically all invigorating church-loving stuff with medieval-era instruments lmao
sam: “sometimes” by nick lutsko is an absolute bop and very much a sam song. sam actually doesn’t go out of their way to listen to music though, but when they do they listen to either the most soothing and relaxing stuff or to the angriest metal emo music. no in between
jizoriel: i’ll go the less emo angle here and say a song that reminds me of him is “upside down” by jack johnson. jizoriel’s music taste is like. old choir music and shit plus incomprehensible magical music that doesn’t even sound like music. if he was from earth he’d like my chemical romance
victoria and rowan: i’m grouping these two together here because a song that reminds me very strongly of both of them/their relationship is “human” by dodie. which actually fits very well into both of their music tastes!
ace: again, going the less edgy angle here, “auntie earth” by walter mitty and his makeshift orchestra. but ace mostly listens to uh, classical flute music and flute covers
charity: absolutely “dance and cry” by mother mother, that’s pretty much her theme song. it’s among her favorite songs in canon too
jamal: “tire swing” by los elk, since his arc is about letting go of childhood and all that jazz. he’s more inclined to listen to fun. and other pop artists and rappers and such. he likes janelle monae
kimberly: “best tears” by the happy fits for sure. in terms of her music taste though, her taste is pretty similar to jamal’s. they bond over being janelle monae fans
fabián: by god does “heal” by so much light fit him. his taste is that he rotates through three (3) specific obscure indie artists lmao, so theoretically i guess that specific song is included in there
18. How does your oc see themself? How does this compare to the way other ocs see them?
i am gonna do my best to keep these short cause this is a loaded question for all of them hoo boy
avani: how she sees herself: honestly the worst person alive. unless she spends every moment of her time trying to make up for what she’s done, she’s worthless, and she doesn’t deserve to love herself in any capacity how others see her: her brother (farhan) really looks up to her! most of the time. the superhero team she’s on (other people’s ocs) all think she’s generally smart and capable enough, and her boyfriend in particular thinks she’s incredible
farhan: how he sees himself: as of right now? a misunderstood emo middle schooler who’s still kind of cool i guess how others see him: his sister (avani) thinks he’s quite an impressive and charismatic young man
carter:  how he sees himself: 1/10 awkward and annoying how others see him: carter reminds calira too much of her old self, so she love-hates him. sam thinks he’s weak and cowardly but admires his kindness. and jizoriel clings to him as a caring father figure and loves carter’s passion for natural studies
calira: how she sees herself: it goes back and forth between “i’m the greatest chosen one ever im such a strong warrior” and “wow i’m literal trash why did the gods pick me for this” how others see her: carter is a bit intimidated by her but appreciates her attempts to vibe with him, sam thinks she’s an annoying pretentious self-important bitch (but their opinion softens over time), and jizoriel sees right through her facade and feels comfortable around her because of it
sam:  how they see themself: evil and in need of redemption, kind of similar to avani ig but with 10x more confidence in their skills and also much more violent how others see them: carter knows theyre doing their best even if theyre kind of an asshole, calira is a fan of their strength and determination, and jizoriel Hates Their Guts (at first) because they baby him too much
jizoriel: how he sees himself: a fucking fraud of a prince. all he has going for him is his abilities as a mage, but even then those are shaky how others see him: carter knows he’s very insecure and wants to comfort him, calira admires his magical prowess and noble air, and sam thinks he’s a snarky little pretentious douchebag but also he reminds them of their late brother and they want to protect him at all costs
victoria: how she sees herself: basically dead. only good for interacting with ghosts. not worthy of the human world or of friendship how others see her: she reminds rowan of her old self. rowan sees a glimmer of love and hope in her and wants to bring it out
rowan: how she sees herself: a fucking mess but she’s trying her best and that’s what counts! how others see her: victoria very much appreciates her cheerful air even if she doesn’t act like it
ace: how they see themself: way too weird to be human, way too weak not to be. their self-image changes constantly. theyre very confused about everything please help how others see them: charity is literally dating them lol she thinks theyre the cutest person alive, jamal appreciates how hard they try as a friend, kimberly thinks theyre an alien invader whom she can study and use to get further in life, and fabián knows more about ace than anyone else and loves them for it
charity: how she sees herself: a Teenager who’s struggling. she desperately wants to be young without the burden of her trauma but whether she thinks of herself as emo and sad and angry or not depends a lot on her mood how others see her: ace adores everything about her, jamal loves how cool and fun and sociable she can be, kimberly is annoyed with her rebelliousness, and fabián worries very much for her well-being and can’t shake the image of her as helpless (oops that’s gonna cause some drama)
jamal: how he sees himself: just a chill guy trying to get by. unremarkable. how others see him: ace is grateful for how forgiving he can be but is still terrified of him being angry over [spoilers], charity loves how sociable and fun he is and how protective he can be of his friends, kimberly secretly envies his carefree nature, and fabián sees him as a solid acquaintance to whom he did not give a good first impression
kimberly: how she sees herself: not good! if she can’t grow up fast and do science well then she’s useless how others see her: ace wants to be friends with her but doesn’t know how to do that, charity is annoyed by her rule-bound-ness, jamal thinks she’s cool but should unwind a little, and fabián resents her at first but would still like to play chess with her sometime
fabián: how he sees himself: he has a moral responsibility to help people Or Else. way too anxious and stuck up but he doesn’t know how to change that how others see him: ace fuckin Loves this guy, charity loves him too but she gets pissed when he tries to help her with anything, jamal genuinely thinks he’s a great guy and wants to get to know him better, and kimberly is actually impressed by him and envies his apparent confidence and charisma
ok ok that’s it i promise. sorry this is so long and tysm for reading if you made it this far!! feel free to ask more oc questions literally whenever, that goes for anyone reading this <3
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hazbinextgeneration · 5 years
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These Few Moments
How does one decide another's worth? How does one predict another's personality or their impact they leave behind? Well unless you can see into the future and know for sure what you're dealing with then you're in for surprises. Which is what happened to him not too long ago. He could admit(just to himself) that he never expected to be surprised by someone he originally perceived as an easy pawn to his own needs. He never expected to be the one drawn to something so opposite of himself. But here he was, one moment minding himself the next- She didn't even know he was watching as she shifted through the small stack of papers in her hands. Her purple eyes narrowed and scrunched snout in thought. Suddenly her purple eyes lit up and she turned to him. He adverted his eyes just in time to not arose suspicions. "Everything seems organized already." "Is it now?" She nodded before leaning arcoss the desk to show him the neat stack of papers to him. His eyes glazed over the newspaper in his hand, raising a brow at her work. "Excellent! Now, why don't you put those away, Pet? Im sure you'll be busy with other things tomorrow." She rolled her eyes but leaned away. "Ok. I get the hint." He chuckled but sat back. A slight pang of pain shot up his left arm from the movement of his body but gritted his teeth and bit it down in front of company. Just a slight cramp from signing nothing but papers all day. Anyones arm would be sore....Come to think of it. How long had they been at this paper pushing fiasco? A couple hours by the way his wrist was feeling. He reached it out to grabb at the mug on the desk when another throb coursed through his arm. A single hiss escaped his gritted teeth which caught her attention. Her brow rose and she gave him a questioning look. "Are ...you alright?" His grin came back up. "Of course. Being tired is no problem..." His eyes glanced too the cup for a moment. "..Why don't you make yourself useful and get me some more coffee, Flower? Im going to need more energy if Im going to deal with this." "Alright. You're the boss." "And don't forget that.~" She rolled her eyes but received the mug whilst standing up. Grin still present on his face. She gave him another look before laying down the papers with her other hand and turning around. He waited for her back to turn and she was walking away before grimacing and holding up his sore wrist up to his face with a hiss. His muscles were cramped and tight when he moved the red digits. Just great. He rotated the pained appendage causing more pain and his eye to twitch in irritation. Mumbling to himself, he carefully set the wrist back down onto the desk and reached his good arm over to grab the papers. Slapping them down in front of him and staring at the words typed upon them. Eyes furrowed in irritation. He didn't notice the return of the lady who stopped momentarily upon seeing his annoyed expression. She frowned slightly upon noticing it. Did she do something wrong when she organized them? Or was he not happy with something written on it? She gulped down the rock in her stomach and put a smile on her face. "Hey." He flinched a bit and looked up at her. She held up the now warm mug. "You're drink's ready." He grumbled and made a motion for her to come in. She did but tilted her head to look at his face. "Is everything ok?" "Lovely," he grumbled. She placed the mug by his free hand and straightened back up. He didnt make an attempt to grab it at first and instead glanced up at her. "Amalfia.... Would you give me a moment? I....have something to take care of." She gave a puzzled look, but it was probably best not to argue when Lou was in a bad mood. So Amalfia turned and began making her way out. He initially cursed under his breath and subconsciously reached for the mug as he always did when he was irritated- ...The sound of a demonic cry and shattering glass made Amalfia jump and spin back around towards the desk to a very.....panicked scene. The plant demon hissed and clutched onto his wrist, the mug shattered in bits on the floor and liquid spilt all over the desk and by the looks of it him. Well she wasn't one to stand by while her boss was in pain. Hurrying over, her hand grabbed his shoulder. "Oh my god! Are y-?" His head snapped to her. "IM FINE!!" She immediately let go and stood back a couple steps back from the flashing red eyes. Taking a couple of deep breaths, he blinked and slowly slumped back from the tense pose he was in, giving a more calm look. The two stood there for a moment before Lou cleared his throat and excused himself from situation. Still clutching his wrist. ********************** The pain Hadn't reduced surprise, surprise. But instead hurt more if that was even possible ironically. Which irritated him further. The calm darkness of the room brought some ease to his mind at least, couldn't say the same for his hand, which was stiff as a board and slightly burnt from the hot drink spilling all over everything, but that one was on him to be honest. He sighed and stretched his body out slowly. It was going to be a long night with this problem. He almost didn't hear the knock at the door but looked up anyways. "...." Sighing he rubbed his face. "If this is a report for anything, it can wait until morning." There was a small silence, and he thought whoever it was left, when the doorknob turned and the door opened slowly with a creak. The plant demon rose a brow but stared in slight surprise when a white face poked into the entrance, she gave him an uncertain look before asking- "Do you still want me to leave?" "Uh...N-No. No. Don't just stand there." He gestured a hand. "Come in. And close the door behind you." She did but slowly. The door was closed with a click and she stood there silently. He regarded her with a raised brow before looking back down to his wrist. "Is there something wrong?" She didn't say anything for a moment but looked down in guilt. "Im sorry. " ".....Excuse me?" "I said Im sorry. I didn't know you would burn yourself...Im sorry." Silence. "Don't be." ...She blinked and looked up at him. "w-wha-" "You heard me. Don't apologize for something you didn't do." He glanced up at her from his sitting position. "It wasn't your intention to harm me was it?" "What?! N-No!" "Well there you go." "Why are you holding your wrist like that?" He gave her a questioning look and she pointed to his arm. "Are you ok?" she held out a hand towards him. When he didn't pull away she gently took a few steps and softly grabbed his good arm. Her eyes flashed confused worry at him. "Does it hurt?" When she reached her other hand towards his hurt wrist, he gave a sudden inhale of pain and he stopped. "Its...sore. Nothing I can't take care of myself." "I can see that." "I've suffered worse." "I don't doubt that, but you're more stubborn than a hellhorse." He gave an offended look but froze when she came around to the other side of him and sat down, gently taking his hand in hers. He gave her a confused look and she smiled. "I have an idea. My father used to have bad cramps and aches, my mother used to fix them easily. If you'll let me try that is?" When he didn't answer, she delicately pressed down on the sore flesh. Immediate pain spiked up his arm but he bit down any hisses and instead opted for digging his free hand into the mattress. Amalfia didn't seem to notice as she continued to carefully press down onto the tender flesh in strides. After a minute, the tightness in his palm decreased and he was left with a dull pain. She noticed his body loosened up on that tense aura and smiled. "Starting to feel better?" He hummed. "I suppose." His red eyes glanced over her working hands before trailing up to her face. "....You're solution is acceptable." A snort. "Just acceptable? Your way would've left you in another hour of aches and pains and acting like Midnight when one of her potions explodes." The comparion made him chuckle. "My dear. I am more capable of controlling my emotions than her." Purple eyes glanced up at him in amusement. "Oh? So acting like a baby because of a little cold air is capable control?" "Ill have you know that cold wind has severe damage on plant life, I have a right to be upset." She giggled. "Well, you're the boss." "And don't you forget that." "I haven't." She stopped and gave him a look. "To be quite honest, I think you're not given enough credit as far as Im concerned." His ears perked up at her answer. "Oh really?" She nodded. "And what do you mean by that, Pet? Id love to hear from you., She rolled her eyes. "And inflate your ego? I don't think so.....But I will say you're more agreeable and understanding than most men I've met. And actually know what you're doing. Not to mention tolerable. I don't see how you can deal with all the stuff around here with Disease and-..." She stopped upon seeing the smirk on his face. "...What?" "Don't let me stop you. Please, continue.~ But I believe you forgot a few of my better qualities.~" This sent her into a small giggle fit. Making him smike wider. "You know I have those qualities. Helping me deal with the idiots I work with....But not you. In all honestly, your work is quite admirable. " "....You really think so?" He paused for a moment, looking into those dark purple eyes staring back at him. She patiently stared back. Those purple eyes blinked and looked down to the feeling of those red digits closing around her own hand. Pink rushed to her cheeks and her body flinched when something touched her cheek. The red eyes holding neutral emotion towards the situation between them. "Yes." ********************************* Something I did with Amalfia x Lou. Lou belongs to @Palettepainter
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howsit-going-toend · 6 years
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Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) Pt. 5
A Kwon Jiyong x Reader AU series featuring Kim Jiwon and Choi Seunghyun
Genre: Crime/Mafia/ANGST
Warnings: Swearing/Violence
Word count: 4,000+ (There’s A LOT going on here....)
Summary: You joined the police force years ago to help clean up the streets of Seoul and rid the city of organized crime. You’ve seen some shit. You’re surely prepared for anything…but how are you supposed to feel when the big bad crime boss you’ve been after turns out to be a familiar (to say the least) face?
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4
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The police force prepares you to handle and respond to just about anything; to be a master of balancing action/reaction in any scenario under limitless amounts of pressure. When you wear that badge, you should be ready to tackle whatever is thrown at you no matter what. In the four years you’d held your position, you’ve proven your capabilities through and through.
But the look on Jiwon’s face rendered you almost catatonic.
It was the look a child gives to a parent upon catching them stuffing their face with cookies that the child had left out for Santa Claus. It placed a massive weight on your chest that you would have done anything and gone anywhere to remove. You just sat there staring back at him, knowing it was impossible to take back the last three minutes. Your silence was enough of an answer for him.
His face left yours for no more than a second to recall the mixed company. There was an undeniable shift in the room’s tension as he offered Chief Kim a polite nod. “I apologize. Don’t let me interrupt.” His expression had softened. But it was a smile of his that you knew all too well. You knew exactly what he was thinking when he heard that name, and it ridded your heart with a massive amount of guilt to see him smile through it.
“Jiwon…” You began.
“Here.” He offered the paper bag out to you. “I got you breakfast from the food court. Let me know if you don’t like it and I’ll get you something else.” You couldn’t bring yourself to play along and respond.
The forced smile remained on his face as he bowed to Chief Kim before exiting the room once again. You continued to stare at the door, speechless, until your superior cleared his throat, returning to his own unanswered question.
You squeezed your eyes shut before looking back to him. “I’m sorry about that.” You muttered. “I know that it wasn’t on record anywhere in the basement. That’s because I saw him face to face…he was there when I was hurt…he gave the man the orders.” Your gaze fell to your right leg as you said those words.
Chief Kim shifted in his seat. “This is the first I’m hearing about this.”
“I know.” You paused, still unable to maintain eye contact as your heart and brain continued to wage their war against one another. “But it’s true.”
“You…know him?” He stated it as a fact more so than an actual question.
He sighed at your lack of response. “Y/N. I know I don’t need to remind you of the protocol that comes into play here. Personal connections to a case like this…it shouldn’t be allowed.” Your eyes shot up to meet his before he continued. “I don’t want to remove you from your position in this. Your qualifications and passion exceed damn near everyone, and you are a fantastic detective.” His stern look bore into you. “But I will not hesitate to shut this whole thing down.”
You shook your head. “No. No, Chief, I assure you I can do this. I’m just still shook up from what happened… I will get over it. I promise you.”
The look on his face oozed skepticism. You took a deep breath. “Yes I knew him… Once. That was a long time ago…Clearly, he is a different person.”
He took a minute to silently mull over your words before nodding his head. “All right…I do want to see where you take this case. I know what you are capable of, Y/N.” He paused for emphasis. “But the second I see this becoming an issue, I am putting an end to it. That goes for Seunghyun too. Do you understand?”
You returned a firm nod with zero hesitation.
Speaking to your superior helped reignite your desire to succeed. You silently reminded yourself to shake every ounce of emotion off and maintain your professional demeanor. At least on the surface. Despite how desperately you may wish otherwise, you know that you can’t change the past. You had a job to do and there was no time to waste on your feelings.
After all, you now had someone else’s to worry about.
The amount of anxiety that stayed bundled in your chest when Jiwon reentered the room was ungodly. The room was absolutely silent aside from your IV pump’s beeping and the sound his shoes made as they scuffed against the linoleum flooring. Once he took his place in the metal folding chair beside your bed, he grabbed your left hand and held it without a word. He didn’t even look at you. You watched him intently, feeling sweat slowly begin to bead at your hairline. The weight on your chest felt heavier and heavier as the minutes passed by.
He might as well have been screaming at you. Anything but this…aren’t YOU the one that got shot? What the hell do you have to feel guilty about right now? You had all intentions of telling him. You were going to…eventually.
“Aren’t you hungry?”
He uttered the words monotonously as he stared down at your fingers. It wasn’t what you’d wanted to hear but it was something. You sighed and nudged the untouched paper bag full of food.
“Yeah. I’ll eat some in a minute.” You offered a small smile despite the fact that he still hadn’t looked at you. He nodded his head slightly before silence fell on the room once again, putting a fast end to his attempt at a normal conversation.
The truth was, Jiwon never actually met Jiyong. Ever. There was a lot about you and Jiyong that he never even knew. Whether it was due to pent up insecurities, or jealousy…he knew enough to start countless fights. Even though you never really believed you did anything wrong or gave him any real reason to be mad at you, you apologized again and again, until it was all brought to an end years ago. It was Jiwon’s decision that Jiyong’s name was never to be spoken between the two of you ever again. Today, of course, had broken all of that.
Beep…Beep…Beep…
He brought his left hand up to his lips, which he kissed before gently lowering it to your right knee. His thumb slowly moved back and forth. You felt yourself relax slightly at the affectionate gesture, holding onto the hope that that subject had actually been left in the past, for good. His eyes lingered on your right leg protectively.
“So…that’s what he’s been doing all these years.”
Your warm expression fell. You should have known better.
Your responding silence made him look up at you and hold your hand a little tighter. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to get us into this again… We finished that conversation a long time ago.” He forced a small grin that you did your best to match. Three years ago actually, but who’s counting?
“I just can’t believe this.” He let out a sigh and shook his head, bringing his eyes back to your leg. “That son of a bitch…”
Discomfort began to fill your chest again as you readjusted your hand in his. You didn’t know how he expected you to reply to any of this. Your mind had been filled with so much confusion; you were proud of yourself for even remembering how to blink. He muttered something to himself, but the room’s dead silence made it impossible for you to not hear him.
“He’ll get his soon...”
Your eyes widened reflexively. Without taking another second to think up an actual response, your face contorted into a wince. “Aish.”
Jiwon removed his left hand from its position with raised eyebrows. “Are you o-?”
You cut him off. “Will you get the nurse? I…I think this pain medication has worn off.”
One week later
“And so, ya know, that’s why I wanted to meet with you in person today. I wanted to be sure you heard it from me first.” Dongjoo folded his hands together. The young man said the words with enthusiasm but his eyes never stopped shifting anxiously between the two men seated across from him.
Jiyong said nothing. He merely tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes, as if trying to convince himself that this really was the same man he’s known for years. The same man who, in the beginning, had appeared on his hands and knees quivering before Jiyong and begged like a dog for “just one more day.” Who had gladly “organized” thousands and thousands of dollars into his little tobacco shop at the drop of a hat, because he feared the name, G Dragon. Who’d answered any and every cop or government worker that grew the least bit suspicious, reading all his lines without missing a cue. There’s no way this was the same man who had just so confidently informed Jiyong that he’s decided to move his business to America, and would no longer require his men to “look after” him and his store.
After entertaining the thought for a minute, Jiyong raised his eyebrows in amusement and returned his gaze to the grill. Dongjoo’s smile faltered slightly. His eyes darted back to Jiyong’s partner, silently begging him to say something. Taehee offered no assistance, only staring back at the man with the same mute expression he’d been sporting all night. A small smile found its way to Jiyong’s face as he grabbed a set of tongs to rotate the beef. The loud sizzle it made helped to disguise the audible gulp from his, now former, business associate.
Jiyong continued to stare at the meat with watchful eyes as he brought his elbow to rest on the table, allowing the hand holding the tongs to support his chin. Dongjoo watched him closely, feeling the nervous sweat begin to bead at his forehead. A chill ran down his spine as Jiyong blinked before locking eyes with him once again; that same smile painted across his face.
“Well, that’s too bad.” Jiyong finally said, casually. “I’ve got to say, I’m a little disappointed.” He pointed the tongs at Dongjoo in a playful manner. “America doesn’t deserve your good business.”
Dongjoo burst out in an exaggerated laugh, making it clear he’d been holding his breath. “Oh come on now.”
“No, no, honestly.” Jiyong raised his eyebrows and nodded his head. “You come on; no one runs a tobacco shop over there like you do. No question.”
Dongjoo shrugged his shoulders and laughed again, visibly relaxing. “You’re making me blush. Enough, enough.”
“I think that’s ready.” Taehee interrupted and nodded to the beef.
“Oh here let me cut it.” Dongjoo began to reach for the scissors beside the grill, before Jiyong beat him to it.
“Oh no, please, allow me.” He grabbed the tool with his free hand. “This calls for a celebration. The least I can do is serve you some quality barbecue.” He grabbed the beef with the tongs and carefully eyeballed where to slice it.
“America…now that’s exciting.” He said with his eyes on the grill, lining up the scissors into position. “How’s the Mrs. feel about that?” Slice.
Dongjoo flinched at the sound, while furrowing his eyebrows at the unexpected personal question. “Oh uh.” Slice. “She’s ready for the change I think.” Slice. He laughed lightly.
“You think?” Slice. “Oh, you better know. Don’t want any issues being caused in the marriage because of this. Moving to another country is no small step.” Slice. “What about your daughter?”
Dongjoo laughed nervously once again. Slice. “She’s, uh, she’s excited.” Slice. “She’s only five so, you know, she doesn’t really have much of an opinion.” Slice. He reached up to scratch the back of his head uncomfortably. They’d never discussed his family before.
Jiyong smiled wider. “Ah, kids.” Slice. “They just go with whatever you say.” He looked up at Dongjoo and served him a few strips of beef. “They trust you.”
Dongjoo did an awful job at disguising his discomfort. He hesitated in bowing his head to accept the serving, and quickly averted his eyes to his plate. But Jiyong wasn’t done.
“When do you leave?”
Dongjoo looked up with his chopsticks still in his mouth, having just taken his first bite. “Huh?”
Jiyong was placing a few strips of beef on Taehee’s plate; he looked up to make brief eye contact with his partner before turning back to the nervous gentleman across from him. “I said when do you leave? For America?”
“Oh, ha…ha, in about a month.”
Jiyong raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Oh, well why don’t we just ride this thing out for another month then?” He asked before taking a bite of his own serving. His eyes didn’t leave Dongjoo, who began to shift in his seat as he stared back down at his plate.
“I don’t, uh…you know, with moving and everything that goes into it, I won’t be really doing much business and just-.”
Jiyong cut off his word vomit with a laugh, waving his hand with a full mouth. “I’m fucking with you. Do what you gotta do.”
“Oh.” Dongjoo chuckled out of relief once again. “Thank you. I-… I appreciate that.”
The rest of the dinner didn’t get any more comfortable than that. Jiyong continued to eyeball Dongjoo, who continuously blotted the sweat on his forehead, which he insisted was due to his angle from the grill. Taehee continued to stare blankly between the two of them, only mildly confused, until they all got up to leave. Jiyong held the door open, and as Taehee passed, he grabbed him by the shoulder and muttered something under his breath. Taehee looked at his boss for just a moment, before nodding and walking outside.
Dongjoo walked a little too eagerly in the direction of his car, parked on the opposite side of the building. As he began to walk through the narrow alleyway to get there, he turned to bid a quick goodbye to the two men. “Thank you for everything, gentlemen. I wish you nothing but the best.” He made a hasty bow, which Jiyong and Taehee returned, before turning on his heels.
Just as he’d taken a single step towards the safety of his vehicle, he heard Jiyong’s voice once again. But this time it was closer. He turned around to see the crime boss walking towards him at a leisurely pace. “Now, now. What kind of a goodbye is that? We’ve been through a lot together, you and me. You’ve got to give me more respect than that, right?” As he arrived before him, Jiyong reached his right hand out with an honorable grin.
Dongjoo’s face flashed with worry before quickly covering it back up. “Oh, I’m sorry, GD. I just don’t want the wife to worry, you know? Of course, of course. I surely didn’t mean any disrespect.” He reached a clammy hand out to make contact with Jiyong’s. “No hard feelings?” He asked with a hopeful smile.
Just as Jiyong let out a small chuckle, Dongjoo’s eyes flashed to Taehee. He was standing behind Jiyong, far back by the alleyway entrance, with his back turned to both of them. It took him less than a second for Dongjoo to understand what was about to happen.
As he locked eyes with Jiyong, who was holding his now quivering hand with a firm grip, he had no time to think before his skull swung forward to collide with his own.
Dongjoo released the hand he’d use to shake Jiyong’s as he flung his head back in pain. “Fuck!” His vision was blurred while he tried to look forward, seeing four Jiyong’s coming towards him, each with darkened expressions and their right fists reeled back.
His nose shattered the minute Jiyong made contact, sending Dongjoo’s body immediately to the alley ground. His hands flew to his face as if trying to manually preserve whatever features that remained intact. He coughed and spat out dark blood that had rushed in from his nostrils. Jiyong stalked towards him slowly, like a lion playing with its dinner. Dongjoo’s vision was even hazier now, but his fight-or-flight instincts had kicked in full force, giving him the strength to turn over onto his stomach.
Just as he attempted to bring his arms and legs in to hoist himself up, Jiyong lowered his boot to the man’s ear, putting in just enough pressure to push his head against the pavement. Dongjoo let out a piercing groan. Placing more of his weight into that leg, Jiyong leaned down to get a little closer to his face. As Dongjoo’s exasperated breathing and whimpering for mercy got louder, Jiyong shushed him.
“You know… I expected more from you.” His tone was menacing. “I considered you a friend, really.” Dongjoo cried out, too terrified to even attempt to move. “America? Yeah, buddy?” Jiyong chuckled. “You and I both know that’s fucking bullshit. I just gave you chance after chance and you just continued to lie right to my fucking face.” Jiyong leaned forward and spat on the ground right by the man’s broken nose. “You want to know something? You really think the Yang brothers are going to protect you better than we can? That’s a riot. What did they tell you about me, huh? Who do you think we’ve been protecting you from? Huh?” Dongjoo only sobbed more, his body shaking as the “please, please, please”’s and “I’m so sorry”’s continued to flow from his mouth just as quickly as the blood ran from his nose. Jiyong sighed in frustration. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to kill you. No, that wouldn’t be right to do to a family man. Just know that I will never forget about this.” He lifted his boot and allowed the man to hoist himself up to his knees. Dongjoo coughed violently, simultaneously gasping for the air he’d been hoarding in his lungs.
Jiyong dug into his pocket and threw a handkerchief on the ground in front of him, along with some cash. Dongjoo flinched, recoiling his arms across his face before looking down to see the stitched piece of cloth and the paper bills. Trembling, he looked up to lock eyes with Jiyong, whose dark expression hadn’t changed for a second.
“Wipe yourself off and get that nose looked at. Don’t you go home to your wife and kid and let them see this pathetic sight.” Dongjoo only cried in response, to which Jiyong let out a sigh. “What? What are you still doing here? Go.”
He didn’t have to tell him twice. Dongjoo picked up the money, the handkerchief, and himself up off the ground and stumbled his bodyweight in the direction of the far parking lot. Jiyong waited for the sound of his whimpers to fade and be replaced by the sound of an engine before turning back towards Taehee. He approached the man and placed his hand on his shoulder once again. “All right. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
“Jesus, he did all that just now?”
Taehee nodded at his partner before taking another swig of the beer in his hand.
“Damn, he’s really not playing around these days...” Wonhae replied, ensuring to keep his voice down, knowing that Jiyong wasn’t far down from them at the bar.
Five men: Gyechul, Taehee, Wonhae, Gwangbok, and Jiyong, all sat side by side. The place was a favorite spot of theirs, which they frequently visited after a long day. It was old, secluded in the outer edges of Seoul, and run by people they knew like family. No other bar could be safer for clientele such as themselves.
“Weeell, we all know fucking why.”
Taehee and Wonhae looked over at their partner on their end of the bar, Gyechul, who’d already had his fair share of alcohol for the night. He was staring up at the little box television set with his mouth agape, intently watching the news. “Look! Look look look, there she is now. Pfffft.” He mumbled and pointed up towards the screen. The local news was broadcasting a story about a cop who’d been shot in a “gang related incident” and had “barely made it out alive.”
Gyechul let out a chuckle, muffled through his teeth. “Hey, look everyone we’re in a gang.”
Taehee spoke up in a firm tone. “Gyechul. Enough…Be smart.”
The man turned from the TV to laugh in Taehee’s direction mockingly. “Be smart…pfffft. If I was smart that night I woulda jus killed that cop…but noooo I was following orders.” He waved his hands in the air as he lazily dragged out each word.
“You’re not fucking killing anyone.”
Taehee closed his eyes in a wince, knowing this was bound to happen. He turned to the right to see their boss staring across the bar right through the three of them to Gyechul. Everyone went quiet.
Gyechul chuckled again. “Pffff, whatever you say boss. You see this?!” He pointed to the TV which now showed an old mugshot of his, displaying him as a wanted criminal. “Now we have this to deal with…the fucking news is after me.” He slurred.
“There would have been even worse news if I let you have ‘cop killer’ thrown on your record. I did you a fucking favor.” Jiyong said coldly, silently refusing to look at the TV.
Gyechul stared his boss down. “Ya know what? Fuck you GD. Fuck you and your favors.” He mumbled with his finger pointed in Jiyong’s direction. He pushed himself up into a standing position, slightly swaying back and forth. Jiyong closed his eyes and took a deep, annoyed, breath.
“Gyechul, stop. All right? Let’s get you some water.” Taehee attempted to intervene again.
“Hey, hey, I’m fine all right? It’s him who’s got the fucking problem.” He pointed at Jiyong again before letting out a drunken laugh. He then dramatically gasped and stared out into space. “P-p-put the gun down! This-this is my final warning! … Bang! AH!!” He flailed his arms in the air, falling against the bar while gripping his leg, and bursting out laughing. Jiyong wasn’t the slightest bit amused. The second he stood up, so did the other three men.
“GD, it’s ok. He’s just drunk. He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s saying. We’ll take him somewhere to chill out.” Taehee and Gwangbok attempted to alleviate the situation while Wonhae grabbed his out of line partner by the shoulders.
“What? Do you think I look fucking worried?” Jiyong spat.
“Touchyyyyy.” Gyechul mused, poking his head around Wonhae’s to continue talking at Jiyong. “Ya know, I’ve never seen you like this over someone. Especially a fucking cop. What’s up with that?! Huh?” He yelled belligerently. Jiyong said nothing. He just stared at the bar while the other men continued to try to calm things down. But Gyechul wouldn’t listen. “You know…it’s almost like she’s that girl.”
Jiyong looked right at him.
“Gyechul, shut the fuck up!” Taehee yelled while Wonhae attempted to smack the man to shut up. But he persisted.
“Noooo, come on, you guys know the girl I mean. The one we all fucking know about but no one ever says anything about because GD will freak the fuck out on them.” He narrowed his eyes at Jiyong, who looked ready for slaughter. “It’s her isn’t it?” He chuckled. “She’s the only one that’ll make you so fucking soft like that.” He pointed to the TV. “Oh but…..” He grinned. “She doesn’t make all of you fucking soft.” He sneered before groping himself mockingly.
Jiyong was on his side of the bar in seconds, with his hands gripping his collar. Jiyong has always been a very stoic person, but right in that moment there was a raging fire in his eyes. The other three men nearly tackled them both to stop whatever was about to happen.
Taehee grabbed Jiyong and pulled him back while the other two men pulled Hyechul away. Jiyong’s chest heaved as he took a deep breath to steady himself. He took a second to close his eyes while he waited for Hyechul’s drunken slurs to pipe down. When they finally did, and it looked like their night at the bar had finally ended, Jiyong got up to leave.
“Hyechul.” He announced.
“Yeaah?” The man turned his head, barely able to maintain eye contact.
“You watch yourself.”
After arriving back at his private home, having had enough bullshit for one night, Jiyong poured him and Taehee both a glass of whiskey. Amongst his four major partners, Taehee was by far his closest and most trusted. He knew better than to push any further, in regards to Jiyong’s feelings, than just one simple question.
“You ok?”
“Yeah.” Jiyong muttered, taking a pull from his glass.
Taehee nodded his head and paused for a minute to sip from his own. “Well… How about some music?”
Jiyong grinned and pointed at him before springing up and pacing towards his record collection. “Yes. What’re you feeling?”
“Anything.”
Jiyong was suddenly as giddy as a child. He stuck his hands in his pants pockets, sticking his tongue out slightly and narrowing his eyes as he looked closely at every title. As he began to feel overwhelmed by the amount of choices, Hyechul’s words from earlier made his mind wander back.
He gently began to flip through one of the older stacks of records he’d gotten from his parents’ house. He smiled sadly as he browsed through classic American tunes from Dion, to Chuck Berry, Frankie Valli, and even the Righteous Brothers. Every album had unique memories attached, but they all had one thing in common.
As he flipped past a Frank Sinatra vinyl, a small 45 popped out and nearly hit the floor. Upon saving it and flipping the cover over, a small gasp escaped his lips. It was a 7” Elvis Presley record with “Love Me Tender” and “Any Way You Want Me.” He wasted no time in putting it on and letting one of his most cherished memories return to him.
“Man, I love Elvis.” Taehee chimed in as the song began.
“Me too.” Jiyong smiled as he swayed in place, staring at the cover. A warmth filled his chest as he read the small words that had been handwritten on the front in white marker.
Love me tender, love me true. All my dreams, fulfilled
For my darling, I love you. And I always will
As he traced his fingers around the small heart that had been drawn by the last word, he was hit with an insane idea. In one second, he’d wiped the smile from his face and restored his stoic demeanor to look at Taehee.
“We’re not going over business right now, but I need you to do something for me.”
Taehee sat up straight and alert.
“Get me the address for Jungbu Police Station.”
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perdizzion · 7 years
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I just happen to stumbled upon ur account and saw that you'll be quitting med school. I have a dilemma that I want to share with someone. Im a newly enrolled first yr med student and classes just started a week before. But I'm starting to form some doubts whether I really want to be a doctor or not. Its not that I cant handle the academics its just that do i really see myself being a doctor in the future and actually feel happy about it.
I dont even know if being a doctor is my dream anymore or just my parent’s.
Hiya! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I don’t know if my answer will help you or not, but I will try to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to reply!!
Ok so. Med school. Tricky stuff. I’ll tell you a little bit about my background and what I’m up to right now to give you a Good Feel about how things are going after the decision I’ve taken and whatnot.
I got into med school about 4 and a half years ago, and like any student who worked their asses off for their desired universities’ entrance exams, I was beyond ecstatic when I found out that I had gotten in. I started attending lectures, group discussions, student projects, and for the first few years, I felt like hey, I think I can actually do this! The exams were pretty tough, I can’t say I liked pharmacology and neurology, but I passed just fine and so I thought that things were going to be fine.
[Narrator voice] things were, in fact, not fine.
I started having doubts around..3rd year, I think? Everything just started to become so dull no matter how much free time I was using to do my hobbies (drawing and doing art in general) and I think that was when my depression started to really rear its ugly head. I started to miss classes, isolate myself from my friends, stay in bed all day, and the only people that had kept me sane were my family and a few close friends of mine telling me to take care of myself when I was too depressed to do so. I tried thinking about whether I’ll be happy being a doctor in the future, and then I noticed that I couldn’t even imagine myself in a white coat, working in a clinic and talking to a patient.
This is when I finally realized that all this time, my wanting to go to med school wasn’t even because it was my dream. It was my parents’.
I struggled a lot to get through some of the days, but I managed to keep up the facade in front of my uni friends until I finished 4th year and received a “degree”. (In Indonesia, finishing 4th year of med school grants you a “bachelor of medicine” though you can’t really use it for anything yet until you’ve finished 2 more years of clerkship and get a “dr” in front of your name).
Clerkship happened after 4th year. If I had to use one word to describe clerkship, it would be hellish. I don’t know if this is how it works in every country, but in Indonesia, clerkship demands med students to attend hospital shifts with inhuman amount of working hours. We had to do 36 hour shifts every twice a week, and 9 hour shifts every other day. This might sound pretty light to some people, but it was super tough for me what with the amount of additional assignments and exams that we still had to do during our rotations. 
After 2 months of clerkship, my depression grew so much worse to the point where my best friend (bless her heart) had to call me almost everyday to help me sleep at night because the thoughts in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, I called my sister who lives in a different city to fly to where I was living in to take me to see a psychiatrist. It didn’t help because my doctor was super shitty about my condition (“all med students experience depression at one point because med school is just that hard, don’t worry, I’ve been there”) but I did take the meds. And I was planning to carry on with clerkship, until one day the meds gave me orthostatic hypotension (it was one of the side effects of the drug that I was taking) and I fainted in the middle of a surgery. When my mom (who lives in another city) found out about this, she was livid. She flew to my place right on that exact same day to take care of me, though she hadn’t known about my depression yet at the time.
The next day, I told her everything. Like, everything. About how med school had truly been stressing me out, about how I didn’t feel like med school was the right place for me anymore, about how clerkship had been making me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit because the doctors kept yelling at me, about how clerkship had also been making me realize that I wasn’t good with patients and that their lives are literally in my hands and that a single mistake could lead to their death and how I could never live with that much guilt in my life, about how I was so tired of being too sleep-deprived to properly function everyday, let alone to stitch a patient’s cut-up hand back together.
I told her that I wanted to quit. And so I did.
And you know what? It feels amazing.
I’ve been sleeping regularly for the past few months. I get to draw everyday now, and still make money out of doing commissions. I interact with my family a lot more and I don’t check up on them only when I need them to transfer me some money to buy food. I eat three meals a day like a normal human being and it feels so, so good. I applied for a scholarship so I could earn a Master’s degree in biomedicine abroad (it’s not art school, which is where I actually want to go to, but it’s not med school either so I’ll take it), I passed the first stage and now I’m just trying to do my best to pass the next two stages so I could get a full-ride. 
Things are okay. Things are good.
Things haven’t always been good, of course. People tell me that I was “so close to reaching my dreams!”, that my parents “must be so shattered to hear that you wanted to quit!”, that I am just “wasting away my potential.” My grandparents called me a disappointment a few weeks ago while telling me that I should just give up on my scholarship application and go back to med school. My dad told me that he wished I could “go back to the way I was and be happy again.” My mom cried multiple times. It hasn’t been easy on my mental health, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck every single guilt-trip that my parents have had to put me through. Fuck everyone at uni who’s been spreading false rumors about how I quit med school because “I got cancer” or “I got knocked up.”
I absolutely hated how the doctors did anything back in the hospital. The rich patients got immediate treatment, and the poor got dismissed. The mentally ill were mocked behind closed doors, and med students were treated like trash. Rooted seniority where the senior doctors hazed junior doctors were still a thing (in Indonesia, at least). Literally everyone in the hospital had a superiority complex and I fucking hated it. Neither my parents nor my grandparents will have to be the ones to experience this on a daily basis for years though, so fuck outta here with your negative comments about my decision.
I quit med school because I did it for me, and only me.
This is by no means supposed to scare you away from med school just so you could jump into my bandwagon, heck no. I’m telling you this because nobody told me that this could be a possibility. Everybody I knew kept telling me that the only thing you’ll need to succeed med school is firm determination and hard work, and while that may be true for some people, I required a lot more than that, like a stable mental health, a good support system, etc. I failed to meet these requirements, and so everything turned into a shipwreck for me. My other friends, however, who were well-prepared with all of these, are managing to continue med school just fine.
That being said, this answer is definitely supposed to make you think about your decision more thoroughly. One of the most often things that people tell me post-med school is that “you should’ve quit earlier if you hadn’t liked it; it would’ve saved you a lot of time.” I hate the fact that I agree with this. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve still had time to search for a school that was more relevant to my interests and start over from a blank slate. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve been able to graduate from a new school and earn an actual proper job by now so I could help my parents out with our finance. Of course, my parents would’ve been way more harsh on me if I had told them that I wanted to quit so early on, but if you own the privilege of having parents that would genuinely and willingly listen to you, please talk about it with them. I had a friend who quit med school around a few months before 1st year ended; he’s in business school now and from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with where he is right now.
Whew, that was long. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be this long!! Let me know if any of that helped or if you just want to talk off anon with me in general! I know firsthand how this kind of dilemma can eat you up whole, and it’s not a fun experience, so just hmu if you want to chat
Have a nice day!!
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calumniare-blog · 7 years
Text
| Nepeta Maryam |
Danny? You didn't change your number again, did you?
| Eridan Pryope |
still the same, for noww at least. wwhat do you need?
| Nepeta Maryam |
You know. Just. Wanted to... talk? To you. You're uh Are you okay?
| Eridan Pryope |
im ok for the most part. used to be wworse a feww days ago. listen maryam your little advventure to pitchflirt wwith me wwouldvve been nice and all and wwe couldvve fought ovver peixes like the perfect kismesis couple wwe are. but do you havve any clue literally ANY clue howw much he meant for my reputation and my leaderhood? howw people respected me and supported me? nepeta im fucking blind because of your little prank.
| Nepeta Maryam |
You're WHAT? How? What happened? Who did it?
| Eridan Pryope |
a business partner of mine wwasnt exactly delighted to find out that i hadnt only had the heir in my captivvity but also that i managed to lose him too.
| Nepeta Maryam |
Eridan, what the fresh hell are you doing with people that would blind you for this?? Do you realize how much you've bitten off? Why are you with them? Scratch that, why are you with *me?* I I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought... I don't know. I thought it wouldn't matter. I thought it would be fine. I thought you would just come after us like you always do and it wouldn't do anything, I didn't know about... This.
| Eridan Pryope |
hey if im being honest wwith you i didnt expect it either if that makes you feel any better. maybe being beaten up for it maybe losing some popularity and reputation. but not this. either wway its howw business wworks around here. ill get my revvenge sooner or later but for noww i need to take care of more important matters. like relocating my base.
| Nepeta Maryam |
Relocating? Why? Is someone chasing you? This can't be routine.
| Eridan Pryope |
i dont knoww but wwhat i do knoww is that i need to fucking movve, improvve my security and be more careful wwith wwho i let actually enter my base. vvantas cant be the only one wwho heard about the heir running around freely again and im sure enough people wwill be after me. wwho knowws wwhy. getting information? getting revvenge? just havving a chance to spit in my face?
| Nepeta Maryam |
Vantas? Is that the guy that blinded you?
| Eridan Pryope |
yeah. assholes got a god complex and cleansed me from my sins by blinding me or something.
| Nepeta Maryam |
Does he have a first name?
| Eridan Pryope |
wwhat, you wwanna go after him and avvenge your little boyfriend?
| Nepeta Maryam |
You *are* tiny.
| Eridan Pryope |
i swwear to fucking god thats not wwhat i meant and you knoww it. noww that wwere at the topic let me givve you a little reminder that my height is AVVERAGE and not TINY.
| Nepeta Maryam |
"Average." By whose standards? The shortie club?
| Eridan Pryope |
no by fucking alternian standards. SO sorry wwe cant all be born wwith a mile long legs like you are.
| Nepeta Maryam |
I'm sorry my legs are so distracting.
| Eridan Pryope |
they really are.
| Nepeta Maryam |
Your guards did their best to find me. The pair I knocked out may not have remembered what happened just before it, so for your own reference: I broke in from the top hatch in the E wing after I cut the alarm wires, timed their rotations and put down a signal jammer before I dealt with them. Conceal and protect your alarm wires. It may be a good idea to put in a communication system that doesn't rely on wireless - maybe something in the structure itself? You're smart. You can come up with something good. Your thinkpan has gotten you this far, it can take you past this.
| Eridan Pryope |
ill take that into account then thanks i guess. i already planned to havve the neww base underground, that wway its pretty much impossible to find a different wway in other than the feww entrances that are heavvily guarded. im havving dahmbe take care of a feww basic things wwhile im still getting used to my... condition, i guess.
| Nepeta Maryam |
Tell him I said hi. He does good work. I don't know when I'm going to be back in town, but if you're moving anyway, maybe it will be sooner than I expect. Will you let me know where you end up?
| Eridan Pryope |
wwill do. im not sure if letting you knoww too much about my base is an entirely good idea anymore. wwe can meet, just at a different place. keep the job and privvate life seperate you knoww?
| Nepeta Maryam |
It's decisively a bad idea, yes. You taught me too much, but that wasn't because I was just in your base. It's because of your pride. And because of my contact. You need to be more careful who you tell about anything. You're right to be proud: what you've created is monumental, and worthy of pride. But if you let it get the better of you, you'll let things slip. We do our best work in silence, saying nothing of ourselves. We surprise our enemies and keep our friends safe. Just let me know the town and district. I'll let you know when I'm nearby. My schedule for the next several weeks is fuzzy at best. We can arrange a meeting place from there.
| Eridan Pryope |
do you evven wwant to see me. before you say anything let me explain. its. its not a pretty sight, my eyes look pretty fucked up. i dont evven need to see to knoww evverybodys staring. and i wwouldnt blame you if you didnt wwant to see me like that. maybe wwe can do a compromise. i wwear sunglasses. or something.
| Nepeta Maryam |
You're not dead, Daniel. You keep talking about your blindness like it's the end of the line for you. I know it might feel like that, but I want you to listen to me when I say this: it's not. This isn't the end. It's not the end of you, and it's not the end of us. I've worked with all kinds of people: blind, deaf, mute, everything in between. You can't let this stop you. You're my rival because you don't give up, because you get right back up every time you get knocked down, because you don't know when to quit. So don't quit.
| Eridan Pryope |
sigh. yeah, i suppose thats true. i miss your face already.
| Nepeta Maryam |
Melodramatic little shit. I'll try to see you soon. Get set up in your new place, secure it, and be careful. Pitch for you.
| Eridan Pryope |
an honest melodramatic little shit thats pitch for you too. ill book some fancy hotel so let me knoww in advvance.
| Nepeta Maryam |
Aww. That's sweet. Maybe I'll go easy on the short jokes.
| Eridan Pryope |
thank fucking god.
| Nepeta Maryam |
You wish. :*
| Eridan Pryope |
thanks for getting my hopes up maryam.
| Nepeta Maryam |
Anytime, Ropes.
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This COVID
Unfortunately, the nurses and doctors are the ultimate victims and the worst part of the disease is their PTSD.
They, like most military, police, firefighters and EMT, sign up to risk their lives to HELP and SAVE others.
And they can't. This disease isn't intended to but is a by-product or side effect to cause them their own destruction of self, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
We have a website set up for them for their mental health -- it wasn't active.. Tree just activated it for y'all.
I apologize for that. So many people are calling them heroes and trying to lift their spirits and it is hard for them.
Like y'all...
Picture this...
Standing in a mass grave, trying to find a body still alive you can save... Help.. A mass grave... So I'm talking hundreds of dead bodies and then y'all be all parade and smile and have fun.
They're too busy trying to find a way to help. Trying to find that one breath from a body in that mass of bodies piled knee high.
They look up "oh them jets..." Same time that happens more bodies are being thrown down in that mass grave So they waist high...
By then them Jets have left just a cloud of memory
It doesn't help... Then they chest high with dead bodies... And they're getting buried alive trying to find a way to help.
Do you see what I'm saying? Can you feel that?!
Then they like man I gotta get outta here before I die myself, being buried alive....
Then who can help them? Is there someone strong enough to pull them out, to SEE THEM before the bodies are piled over their heads??
Doctors and nurses have committed suicide. Because they can't handle it.
Because what has happened... Is this is like a reverse WWII... Hospitals are now Nazi Concentration Camps. And the nurses and doctors are the Nazi just watching every one die.
(Note this is an EXAMPLE for the mind to grasp understanding -- i am not stating the doctor nor nurse ARE Nazi. I am merely making a reference to WWII and gas chambers and so on so people can get the visual understanding of the power of COVID and the pain of people that are opposed to Nazi. When she said "This is Real" it is where my mind went -- to the Holocaust which i know a lot about. I studied it on my own many times in my life. To understand how one person could take over the world. I did. In high school, my Oklahoma History teacher even took away my books because i would ask way too many questions about killing of Native Americans and i would say "but how--" and she said that i had a problem with focusing on the wrong thing and i said "but its happening in our world today!! Politicians and Governments!!" She took away the stack of books i had checked out on WWII and took them to the library and i followed her like pulling her jacket and shirt to stop her. She told the librarian I wasn't allowed to check out anymore books like that because I was a teenager and had unhealthy worries in the world. I burst into tears. "Obviously i have to save the world Because of people like you who won't take it seriously!! You're a Hitler yourself!! And you! I'll talk to you tomorrow!!" I spat to the teacher then librarian. And took off to my last class of the day. The Librarian know who i was and how i had spent hours in the library everyday during lunch and had told her how i said i wanted to compare WWII to the way Native American were treated in Oklahoma. And she printed a list of all the different kinds of books i checked out. Including kindergarten picture books for my own enjoyment. And the teacher apologized. She asked if i wanted to apologize to her for calling her Hitler. I said "not yet" eventually I did. In front of the entire class with an entire one and one eighth of a page of written materials comparing and contrasting her to Hitler and people we read about. I said "in conclusion, she may been an Army woman helping people make long disateraous of what they call walks. Of what i call pilgrimages, across many of what we now know are states, but not to be in charge but to be a comforting vessel during maritime war. A war that was unnecessary on water as it was on land and that is my meaning of using water words instead of land Because indeed i think she is a person we can trust but she may also be one of those people to set off a cannon to a far away ship until she finds out the truth of who is in it. But she certainly isn't a Hitler or someone that would order Native Americans to do the undeeded... She would be one of those to walk aside all Native Americans, help pass out blankets and medication. And so as she has apologized to me for firing up that cannon while I was away at sea to do ky research of course, i shall apologize to her for being upset she did and calling her the worst name possible. Which wasn't bitch. Nor ass hole." 10th grade, y'all.)
It is the worst possible place for a nurse or Doctor that signed up to be a comfort and to SAVE lives to be. The worst possible place.
And i can't help them... There is on the now activated website -- there is a place where they can request military services to come in and relief our nurses and others on the front lines, including police.
You just merely request how many and of what capabilities you need. So if you need just CNA (our hugest amount) or RN or PA or DR or so on and so forth.
They have their own pay scale thus allowing the people being substituted for to receive a special type of paid leave. The military can stay in one place at one time up to 9 weeks.
So also a rotation of 9 weeks on. 9 weeks off.
I apologize i thought it was already set up and available for all. But apparently things wanted to be done differently to try it and see how it works.
Now first is HOSPITALS. Basically if your name has the word Hospital in it. Then you're available. BUT you must have an EMERGENCY ROOM (ER) to qualify.
Now systems... Like Lovelace in Albuquerque has like 4 or 5 ER departments. So they go to the MAIN hospital first Then two weeks after rotate in at say the Heart Hospital then after two weeks the Woman's Hospital then a smaller so on and so forth.
Presbyterian, would begin at MAIN then go to Kirkland then so on and so forth.
This way if someone doesn't want to be treated by military. They have options of seeing regular doctors at the main stem branches.
Also it doesn't have to be a 100% but it can be a 25% so 25% of people take off for 9 weeks. Then another 25% take off for 9 weeks. And so on... So you'd have use of the military for 36 weeks.
It is a charity service.
I recommend that y'all cut hours. So a 40 hour nurse goes go 20 hours -- but stays at full time pay and benefits.
As part of our program, the healthcare and other workers MUST remain fully paid while taking time off. Otherwise we cannot assist.
It is for their hearts, their souls and their tears that we supply such a charity. Thus we cannot create more tears, more heartache nor more stress for these people.
So when making plans, hospital executives, please do keep that in mind.
Also for hospitals that refuse to relieve their workers, we have a system set up so that a nurse/doctor/etc can find a suitable replacement of higher quality according to paper. Similar but more advanced to the system that is used to place substitute teachers to teach hundreds school children per one jr high or high school day. And if the hospital rejects the substitute, then we have a system set up to sue the hospital on behalf of the staff. This system is only provided when a main hotspot refuses help.
Such as NYC. However NY has accepted thousands of National Guard already and Idk what exactly is occurring there but we have many side hospitals set up there.
So this is Never Before Seen shit since the Native American's Massacres (that's why i kept getting in trouble in Oklahoma History... The word Massacre.. Dude... I wasn't gonna pretend it didn't happen, Land O´ Lakes, where's our Indian Lady? The farmers didn't kill her, you did. -.-) and definitely not seen while we had this great amount of technology available to all.
So never before seen shit is gonna occur. I'm like yeah this is what will work professionally. And if they can't come up with something better and reject me, then I'll sue and ill win because they don't care and we got documented workers all over social media crying their eyes out.
She is the first African American I've posted but I've posted at least 4. Crying nurses. And i skip over a lot. I keep scrolling past a lot. I scroll past more than Y'all know that i Don't mention.
But her... She made me want to cry just like all the others. And Just like the others, i had dry eyes. Because we worked and worked and worked till we were all bawling our eyes out, taking heart medicine, whether like mine or just for heart burn. Even the little kids. I can't cry anymore. We made the solution for what and when the emergency pandemic would occur.
Hospitals have lost people due to suicide.
It is now time for me to step in. Or we will not have a doctor or nurse that is both alive and recognizable, they will be destroyed -- inside out -- starting with their hearts of mind.
I have had PTSD due to death of a stranger. I was only 18. And i hated myself for over 10 years.
So im gonna break out one day and call you all stupid for attempting to heal evil.
Because that was what I needed. And no one ever told me. And i got back lash. And i know that every single nurse and doctor that was working as hard as they could -- they needed to vent and hate. And i could be that person.
I smiled. I checked in. "Do they still hate me?" Yes "Good"
I know it helps a heart be healthy to have a place to throw hate. And i knew i would be safe from harm. While hate was thrown at me.
Then i took away me as that object of hate. And still healthcare workers are suffering and they're killing themselves. (They'll get to heaven if they deserve. A nice little break for them. Then they will come back when our other dead does. If they are deserving, if Earth is where they Belong. Otherwise they went directly where they Belong for Eternity)
So a quick fix band aid isn't it. It is as far as we predicted - a reverse WWII.
the sick going in... And causing innocent pain.
Instead of the innocent going in and dying by the professional purposely killing them.
This is the complete opposite.
Jack told me "quit hating on these nurses and doctors!"
Because i would scroll past and say "these fucking nurses. Dam it"
I'm not hating them. I'm hating their situation. I'm hating their inability to cope. Their inability to cope is because their inability to cope is due to their deep humanity... It is a character flaw. It is a curse and a blessing. It is the deepest and most difficult of work to breech that muddy waters, dig deep and find a bridge to drag up and build, there is one there in their souls.. But it is buried deep under much chocolate and flowers and all things good...
Unfortunately while being buried under dead bodies its nearly impossible to fix that bridge. Find that way to overcome the desperation, the HORROR their job has become
Even taking a break can sometimes not help... Sometimes it doesn't. But we include self care and encouraging messages from our military teams that substitute while the people take their time off.
Military are far more apt to be able to deal with dead. Military teams sign up knowing they must kill at certain times. They have a different view of death. They accept it and understand it.
A nurse or Doctor they fight it, that is their job. That is their souls and every hope they have in the world is to save lives.
Military, their job, is to make the world better.
Right now, military is just a better fit.
It's different types of brains. It is just different.
And I am sorry. And unfortunately I do know. I have killed a lot of people by hand, kidnappers caught in the act. I killed Pablo Escobar. Then I got amnesia. And I loaned my friend $500 to bail her boyfriend out of jail. It ended up in a suicide of someone he ratted on. I never got over that. It took a very long time. He was a criminal, yes. But I just never got over that loss of life. If I had never bailed him out... That one guy would still be alive.
So I am very sensitive and very understanding of these healthcare crying and not handling their jobs and killing themselves.
I fully understand it. So yes I will sue on behalf of staff that cannot get relief. I will fight and punch until those hospital executives come up black and blue saying "ok im sorry im sorry we can have substitutes and pay full prices for our staff to stay home and rest"
I may have forgot myself... Prior to age 15... But I remember since then. I know how I have suffered and why.
So I am extremely complex to know and understand.
It doesn't matter if you understand or trust me.
You must care and take a leap of FAITH and not one of suicidal consequences, hospital executives.
Because I understand being buried under dead bodies that I feel responsible for. Hating myself. For something that was never my fault and something I did to be nice. Naïve. I fully understand.
And its revolting, now looking back all I put myself through.
And I swore one day... I swore and I swore. I promised myself. One day im gonna use this all for good. That I can forgive myself.
I already did. I realized I'm not the one that needed to be forgiven. And I'm okay. I'm doing great.
But I remember and I will never forget those sleepless nights... The intense fear I had of myself and of doing anything for any reason. I was terrified. What if I go to the store and I effect someone?
What if I get in a car wreck and hurt some one?
I was terrified. Had I not healed thanks to JJFU. Some one I knew and trusted making guns and I said to him everyday for weeks "how can you make guns knowing someone could be hurt? Don't you think you will feel responsible if someone wrote to you and said a kid was killed with one of your guns? An innocent child playing by accident?"
He said "let me get back to you"
And one day he simply said "i can't control what other people do. If they don't lock up their guns or weapons and ammunition seperate. I can't control what a kid does. I hope no one ever gets hurt wrongly and unjustifiable with a gun i produce and make by hand. But, Sabrina, i can not control what other people do. And it isn't my fault what happens after the guns leave my hands and enter another's"
And this air i had been holding in since I was 18 years old just went out of my chest. And i started crying. And crying and i cried for days.
And he said "why are you keep crying? Who are you crying for?"
And I said "i am crying for ME"
"But why?! What did you do to someone so bad?!"
"Cause I hated myself for something I couldn't control.I hated ME. I refused to Love Me. I refused to Trust ME. And now I can cry for me because of what I Lost because I was an ignorant fool, to care too much beyond my control."
3 years later my friend was murdered. I could had prevented that, too. But I didn't get PTSD. Instead i chose to love him and be proud of him. And love us both for doing what was best for us.
I have both the obituary of David Galloway and Justin hanging in my kitchen. One gave me PTSD. One could have. I look at them both. And I say "I love me. But I can love you two and you can love me because I never wanted either one of you to be hurt"
Or I'll walk by "I can imagine you two are fine where you are today. Sorry I'm busy. But I hope you're happy and okay"
One is Zulululu and one is Human. The Zulululu, I got PTSD. He was a selfish drug addict that killed himself leaving behind two kids and a wife just because he didn't want to go to jail. The other was murdered and the last time I saw him, he asked to live with me. The latter should caused my PTSD. HE DESERVED MY PTSD.
But I didn't.
So military is better equipped to handle what is occurring in hospitals. Nurses do need time off even if the military does just set up new temporary hospital
Healthcare workers NEED treatment for what they have seen and gone through.
And I will fight for every single one to get the help they deserve and the time off they need.
Because I know they deserve it. I know they need It. I know how dangerous it is to overlook a simple day in the life of what they have had in the last few weeks.
Throwing them parties. Its kind, and it's sweet.
But it doesn't help anything, it doesn't help anything when the anguish and the PTSD has already set in. Sometimes it makes it worse..
So yeah I get pissed off they're not being helped and it comes out wrong.
So now its time to do it right.
This nurse asks y'all to stay home.
So y'all tell her you will if you will, tell her you can't because you got to go to work and you tell her where (like Gas Station, not the whole address) and y'all be responsible for you and your actions..
We can't control the world. But we can work together to make it better.... Right...?
I think so.
Or we're all gonna die trying.
0 notes
g5b3ysjw-blog · 5 years
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semem-dar · 5 years
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Hey guys, so i’m not sure how to format this, but i need somewhere to put this where i can get some help.
So, if you know me irl, or you read any of my more serious tags, you probably know that I’m disabled. I’ve been professionally diagnosed with a long list of things, no idea what i have and what was a misdiagnosis, no way to tell because symptoms between them overlap so heavily it could be either, or, or both. Who knows. The total list, as of this year is Autism spectrum disorder, major depression presenting with psychotic symptoms, generalized anxiety disorder, attention deficit disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, gender dysphoria, and two specific phobia: one of heights, and one of needles. All are under some form of medication or theraputic treatment, and have been for years, with only minor progress on anything but the PTSD, I am at least being kept out of crisis-mode and have not attempted suicide for almost a year, so it could always be worse.
The situation is, my family is pushing me to get a job. My mother is pushing the angle that its for my independence and self-esteem, my father is pushing the angle that its my responsibility. I recently turned 21, so i need to either find work, or get on disability and stop asking them for things. Either way, they have made it clear to me that it is unacceptable that i am 21 now and have no work history or source of income. The issues with this come in three flavours: i cannot drive, and i cannot care for myself without regular supervision, and i have little in the way of marketable skills or skillsets. Not to mention the standard mental illness difficulties.
The mental problems come in the standard “autistic with sensory issues” fare. I cant be around bright lights or loud noises, anything brighter than a fluorescent office light is too much, and even with those i often need sunglasses. Loud or sudden noises, anything above say, the level of a car-door shutting is too much and sustained sounds above the level of a printer are intolerable enough that i cannot think around them, freezing up or outright attempting to curl in and cover my ears/face/front and getting nothing done. Being allowed to wear noise-cancelling headphones helps, but muffles conversation to a point i cant understand others. Being around people for more than 4 hours a day, 5 if i push it and am willing to be irritable and upset for the rest of the day is my limit. I have difficulty understanding speech over digital media if i cant watch the lips of whoever is speaking, or be provided with subtitles or a transcript. Telephone-based jobs are right out thanks to this particular issue. I have difficulty holding attention, and cant process complex commands well, or deal with things that aren’t sequenced. I don’t deal well with other peoples emotions, and barely cope with my own. I cannot think of any job that would tolerate a worker like this in your standard retail/restaurant/gas-station entry-level, or anywhere that takes workers without a resume, or anything to put on one did they have one.
Driving, which requires many tasks (keeping track of your hands, both of your feet, the speed, the road lines, other cars, road signs, stoplights, the mirrors, the gas, etc), is impossible for me without risking my life or another drivers. I live rurally, and with no public transport to speak of in my area, I have to rely on my parents to get me places. Their schedules are rotating, and at odd hours of the day, and i have to budget for two hours around their schedules to get me to and from college. With the schedule i have now, and their schedules to work around, i cannot find any work during the week, leaving the few days of the weekend being necessary to find work on. But even this is limited, as I cant go far from home, and I still have to work around my parents rotating schedules since they frequently work weekends.
The usual recommendation at this point is to move somewhere with transportation, but here’s the real kicker. I cannot care for myself on my own. I cannot, on my own power, remember to eat, drink, bathe, or sleep properly. I cannot get my medications in without reminders and double-checks. I have difficulty with any amount of flexibility in a schedule, as i get lost when i cannot check either of my watches and know where i should be and what i should be doing, and will instead simply scroll through blogs or edit code or mod games for hours on end, doing nothing productive or useful. I cannot enforce a schedule myself, and any attempts at reminders through technology or mundane means have repeatedly failed. Ive utilized calendars, day planners, sticky notes, alarm clocks, watches, cellphone reminders, other people calling me to check if ive done something, and any other number of methods. Without another living being hounding after me to get something done, it slips my mind.
At this point, i’m  usually asked, in disbelief, how someone can forget to eat. It’s simple, i do not feel hunger until i am in physical pain from it, and often only eat one meal a day as a result of packing a meal and just, grabbing something out of the bag as i see other people eating. Often, this gets to a point where i forget to eat so long that i wind up in pain. This, as most people know, disinclines one from eating. You hurt, you’re tired, and you feel nauseous, you likely do not want to eat anything thanks to this, and simply want to go to bed. I have been hospitalized before for winding up in such a condition that i couldn’t stand thanks to this odd spiral of not eating. The same goes for drinking. I am lucky if i get more than 10 ounces of fluids in in a day separate from any snacks i might have shoved in a bag or pocket or other carry-able container. It is a wonder I am not sicker than i am regularly.
regardless, the point is made, i have extreme difficulty with remembering and motivating myself to preform basic daily activities, and will often do without to the point i sicken myself if left to my own devices. I assume it is like living with a large, depressed, child. I assume it is unpleasant, irritating, and difficult living with someone with these issues, and can think of no one who would willingly take care of someone they are living with to this degree short of a spouse or the parents of the person. Seeing as i am not exactly a catch for marriage given my life difficulties, lack of income, and lack of looks, and cannot live on my own, im rather stuck in a poor, rural area, with few job opportunities and  even fewer that wouldnt essentially be working in hell for someone like me.
Im certain, by this point, if youre still reading, you understand why im having difficulty finding a job i would want to put myself in, or even be able to tolerate. All of the career options ive considered, that i think i might be happy in, require a degree (which requires money we dont have, and years of student loans, and a job in the interim while you earn the degree), or are too far away, or require a cost upfront (such as starting a home business, or taking up a trade where you have to buy your own materials [any type of craft work]), or simply have skillsets that i can only do part of and would be incompetent to outright incapable of the rest of the skillset.
the longer I think about this, the more depressed and frozen i become, and the less and less it feels like i have any options. I’m at a point in my life where i have been unhappy and stressed and frequently outright suicidal too damn often, and i refuse to even potentially put myself in a place where i risk becoming that again. I dont know how to get past that and force myself to take a standard job. I do not know if i have any other options, with my lack of skills and mostly useless talents. I do not know how to run a buisiness, or have to cost for materials and real trainign needed to learn a craft, or the ability to run off my wn schedule that working from home would require.
i feel like i have no options. I do not want to continue this. I do not want to have no options. I do not want to be here. i do not know how to make this stop. i do not know how i can be 21 and be incompetent enough that i cannot find any sort of work i would be suited for. i do not understand how someone could end up with no motivation or skills or any amount of ability to make money. I do not understand. I do not know how to fix this. Threapy is not helping, medication is not helping, support (what little i can get of it) is not helping, i do not know how to become competent. i do not know how to become a person. i do not know how to get money at a price i am willing to pay or even can pay. I do not understand.
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readfelice-blog · 6 years
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Moominland Chronicles Siebzehn: infatuation is not a gift
Blog guide: all italics are my wednesday edits.
Before we begin:
Anyone who suddenly might be unexpectedly flush, my crowdfunding campaign has less than 24 hours left
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/acht-ocho#/
Well then, hello, no more letters lets return to moominland.
You might remember in my last chronicle that my bloody tale of woe was still in action, after many pills and spending time with a really wonderful gynaecologist who spoke about death with me - following my lead, (she didn't open an appointment with a death chat, I don’t think doctors are normally allowed to even think the word) it was finally determined I have chlamydia.
Surprise!
What fun eh?
I’m on antibiotics now, it should be gone by this weekend, and the bleeding stopped about 2 weeks ago after I started a combination of blood clotting pills and the contraceptive pill. My suspicions are it was stress, hormones and chlamydia that caused the gushing of blood, it would be an act of suicide on chlamydias part to deprive itself of so much iron, which it needs to survive.
So as inferred previously, the NHS would of caught this sti months ago, I would not of cost my insurance company thousands of euros or been subject to various ultrasound spy dildos and gleeful practitioners telling me I was pregnant rubbing their hands together in anticipation of jumping into my vagina, or surgeons hysterically clutching scalpels, so overjoyed to be operating again.
BUT, if I had dealt with my insurance issue diligently, and gotten a proper gynaecologist much earlier and done my research carefully, AND LEARNT GERMAN, this would also not have happened, so I can't deny my own responsibility in all of this either. I still retain my idiot abroad status, which I need to work on to be a proper functioning expat.
So, I’m lying in bed a bit nervous because I’m printing my first copies of my publication tomorrow to fly them to italy at the weekend: it’s Tuesday as I type this horizontal on my phone. As I'm away and just embarking on the next chapter of my project, the making it really real bit, I thought it best to get this log drafted and up before I go.
They’re done, some of the pages are wonky, but they look great actually.
Follow the diary of this project here:
https://felicezhukov.net/bocem-diary
(Because death lurks round every corner, it’s best not to have any unfinished business.)
It’s been quiet, I’ve been napping a lot and taking pills and cutting down salt, my social life has utterly ground to a halt aside from the occasional quick drink and my trips to the studio to practise the live element of this project, which has been revealing itself to me and making me consider myself in a new light, somewhere between a musical performer, a stand up comedian and just all out weirdo, but I’ll refine this at a later date.
What I want to talk about this week are the letters to Nicolás Jaar, but not as a letter to him. As thoughts directed into the macrocosm of the internet.
Because I finished ‘I love Dick’, at first I wrote a very clumsy synopsis and realised many of the critical details had passed me by, academic references sifting out of my mind like flour and swirling away into the air. It has made me realise I need to study what I read, but again that's a thought to refine later.
Still, I was left with a very strong impression which fermented inside me like kimchi and whilst sat in my kitchen earlier between courses, my eyes resting on candlelight, it struck me, the protagonist of the book, Chris, was bullying dick, suddenly it was crystal clear that her infatuation was never weathered by Dicks resistance, that Dick could be curious and still also be anxious about her attention, that victims make mistakes to. But she ploughed on, regardless of his protests, for a long time.
Now, my letters to Nicolás Jaar only lasted a matter of months in comparison, and did not include any colluders, but they were still deeply personal and troubled. Week after week I decried the suffering in my life, the cruelties I was facing, the emotional carnage of my break up and my alcoholism, addressing them to someone I’d formed an infatuation about solely on the impressions of his public persona and his music.
When I was 15 I was obsessed with the doomed relationship of courtney love and kurt cobain, as a the eternal odd one out with nowhere to go in the countryside I entertained myself by creating a character called enigma, who lived in New York. I drew hundreds of drawings of her in different attire that looked more like fashion illustrations than anything descriptive, my mum used to get frustrated at this waste of talent bound to repetition, and enigmas neck was always to long.
Enigma had a lover, called jake, chiselled jawline, a genius musician with a tortured soul, he seduced and slept with all of New York’s cultural elite, but he loved enigma. Though they stayed plural and their relationship was often fraught, they were absolutely bound together, forever destined to explode and then reassemble.
Jake didn’t kill himself.
That fantasy has taken new form, enigma looks like me now, but it is the foundation of every infatuation I develop.
Nicolás Jaar was in the middle of a grueling international tour, I mangled what I read about him into some kind of twisted connection between us, he was travelling the world to the backdrop of me destroying every last vestige of my life,in all senses of the word, selling and trashing my life’s work and possessions, leaving my husband, leaving my home of over 10 years.
Then In its closing chapters I retold and fictionalised a very unsettling story about murder and submersion, the whole thing taking an unsavoury twist with me paralleling beauty and the beast, what if the beast had killed beauty?
I was the beast.
But aren't we all the beast sometimes?
I can only imagine how tiring and unsatisfying months of touring can be for someone creative who wants to innovate and explore in their work, it would be my personal hell, that rotation of groupies, hangers on and gargantuan crowds, barely a moment to breathe and personal space so diminished that you stop knowing who you are any more. In the midst of this to be receiving unsolicited attention from a mentally damaged stranger on twitter, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, could only serve to heighten the stress you're already experiencing and cause you to disassociate yourself from your inner core even more.
In my mind I was pleading to be saved by devoting all my attention to him, in my unhinged state I felt like by baring everything to a man I’d never met he’d be so disarmed he'd surely empathise, find solace in my garbled stories of misadventure and anxiety.
But now I see how selfish it was, to project on to another human, after all dick was just a human to, with all his own baggage to cope with, though infatuation can amplify its object the reality is noone is really built to cope with that kind of attention, not Dick, not Nicolás Jaar.
Though it was an interesting exercise in some way and will always be part of my oeuvre, probably more definitively so because it exists on the internet, so if the walls don’t come crashing down it is relatively protected, it wasn't kind. I was not trying to help Nicolás Jaar, or create something nourishing, it was selfish. Infatuation is, at its core, selfish, the object is merely that because there is no connection, or at least in this example. There was never any exchange between us, just me pouring all my illness into him blindly.
And I know this well because I have suffered with others becoming infatuated by me on more than one occasion, it’s not pleasant.
In Turin, on stage, he seemed so broken and at odds with himself during his set, he appeared to be really unhappy, my most noble act in this whole enterprise has been to stop writing him letters and focus on myself. I do feel angry with the former me though there is no use regretting what has already passed and life moves on as surely as the sun and moon pass each other in the sky.
In the end i cant punish myself, to err is humane, to forgive divine, I must forgive myself as well.
I’m glad im returning to Turin a more advanced and thoughtful person, I’m going to order in a restaurant this time (well, maybe, but I’m definitely going to buy chocolate) and have a nap before I go out on saturday, I’m going to go to Italy this time, not to stand wretchedly at the feet of a man who owes me nothing and asks for nothing from me. Because as someone grappling with their own fears about performing: this kind of incident is one of the key aspects of what I am terrified to illicite, so i say to you my readers, that I'm sorry to Nicolás Jaar and I will never repeat this journey with any future influences in my life.
I wonder if Chris Kraus has ever apologised to Dick, I’m going to give it a google now I think then try to get some sleep.
Goodnight all, next week I’ll regale you with my Italian trip and who knows what else.
Should ever our paths cross, I don't think I could be like chris, I feel like I’m done exposing him, so it may very well be that whatever ending this story could have, this here will be the end in terms of its written account, I might never type the words Nicolás Jaar on tumblr again.
And by the way, I’ve already uploaded my album, because actually I detest exclusivity, it’s free to download and publically available on 2 of my music based accounts, it’s not hard to find, trust me.
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I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.
I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.
I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more. 
So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.
the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No. 
So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to. 
So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again. 
And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing. 
since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out. 
She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there. 
So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by. 
But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.             
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Cost to insure a 1987 Fiero GT?
"Cost to insure a 1987 Fiero GT?
Hi, I'm 16 and I currently drive a 1999 Honda Civic sedan and I'm wondering how much more money it would cost to insure me driving an '87 Fiero GT? My dad won't let me get it because of the up in price, any suggestions from you guys to persuade him???
BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecosts.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 
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How on earth is car insurance cheaper for woman when more than 65% of crashes is by woman?
Premium rates increase after an auto accident?
I rear-ended a car and that car hit another car. The car in the middle I believe will have lots of damages to repair. When my premium rates increase, what is the deciding factor on how much it will increase? Is it the cost of repairs to the cars? or just the fact that I got into an accident. In addition, with this one accident and 2 cars having damaged does that mean that the insurance company would see me hitting 2 cars instead of one which will increase my premium even more? And by the way, my insurance company is mercury if that helps! Thanks!""
Insurance for a first Motorcycle?
When I turn 17, I'm thinking of buying a Kawasaki KDX125. What would the insurance costs be like for a 17 year old? (In the UK) and can you recommend a similar bike?""
Driving without insurance?
I got pulled over for driving someone else's car in the wrong lane. He had his insurance in the glove box, but all i had was my license. I got my license less than a month ago, but dont have any insurance of my own. i got a ticket for improper lane and have to go to court. Is there a grace period for insurance or am i completely and utterly screwed? I live in Illinois btw""
How much would insurance cost?
I'm a 16 year old male who makes a's and b's in school and my parents just bought me a 2008 Gmc Sierra Denali and I'm currently driving without insurance how much do you think it would cost for me?
Looking to get a car insurance but...........?
Looking to get a car insurance but i am not sure what it covers and what should i ask my insurer to include in my policy?
Does Bupa insurance cover child birth in USA?
Does Bupa insurance cover child birth in USA? and what is the steps for that?
Name on car insurance?
Is it possible to buy a car under my name but have the car's insurance under my dads name?
Do I have to have insurance to get my car put in my name?
I have been living away from home so my parents want to put my car in my name. My mother keeps telling me that I must have insurance in my name in order to change it. Oh and I live in Alabama if that helps with anything. She just informed me this past week and all my monthly bills are due so I won't exactly have the money to do so.. get my drift? Any answers will be helpful!!!! Thanks!
Can i change my insurance payments?
I basically just cancelled my insurance after 12 days of having it because the company messed me about, so im waiting for my 1000 refund. But need to buy new insurance now! But don't have the money, found a quote with Swinton but the question is could i just put that i want to pay monthly and pay the small deposit then call them in a few days and pay the rest off for they year? Or would they not let me etc....Please help :(""
""Adding driver car insurance, average cost?""
if you add another driver to your insurance like your brother, or sister or son, who is a new driver, and your insurance costs $350 for six months. how much do you think would be additional cost to this insurance? if you can share ur experience it would be nice. i know it all depends on the history of the other driver, but say the other driver did not have any accidents or anything. i need to get a general impression... Thanks in advance.""
Cobalt ss/sc insurance price?
i want to buy a cobalt ss supercharged and need to know if my insurance will be too high since i am only 17, i've gotten some insurance quotes but they are all different by a lot. I have a clean driving record with no accidents and my parents are willing to help out with some insurance but i want to know if i will have enough for the rest, thanks""
I'm 17 - Insurance on a 1985 Corvette? - Please help!?!?!?
Hey all - i have a quick question.. I want to know how much insurance would be if i get a 1985 Corvette - - i am 17 years old - i am a male - i live in New York - i have VERY good grades (i heard you can get discounts if so) And just to get everyone off my back now (lol) -.... I AM going to be paying for the CAR as WELL as the insurance.. i just worked my butt off this year and managed to save up around 10k for a car / insurance - so please dont state how i am just spoiled using my parents money and etc. I am responsible and i DONT need to read about how its a fast car and what not. This has been my favorite car for years now and i want to have it not to race, show off, impress others.. but just to collect it as a goal that i have had and use it as a daily car to get to school and work! I dont need sites where i can get quotes, because i already know all that gibberish (lol) - i just want a close estimate of how much it can be for full insurance on a 1985 corvette if i am 17, male, in NY, with very good grades. Thanks so MUCH in advance!""
Give me a genral idea of how much car insurance would cost me?
Well cost my parents. I'll be sixteen this April but I won't be getting my license until July. I want to get a Mustang GT 2005 or 2006 but I think it somewhat falls into a category of a sports car so it raises the insurance right? What would be the difference between me driving that or a 2003 BMW? Oh and is there a difference between driving insurance and car insurance? Thank you so much! (And for the record I'm not some spoiled kid, I've been saving for this car for a very long time with money from my lifegaurding job)""
Car Insurance In Virginia?
I'm 19, First time driver, 1 Child, Car paid in full, Live in the 22031 area (fairfax), Had a seatbelt ticket before I obtained my license, Female. I want to know which insurance would be best suited for me, I dont need the quotes, I just want advice (from expierience) on where to get quotes from first. I have my permit, and will have my license in 25 days. I'm looking into cars right now, and should have one chosen in the next 2 weeks. I know the car will change what the insurance is, but I have not chosen it. I know I want an automatic 4 door sedan Used. Not sure on mileage yet. Leaning towards Nissan Altima. Any advice???""
What is the cheapest insurance for an 18 yo first time car?
i asked my uncle, he said it could be around $300 for 6 months, idk if it is true or not. but are there any cheap insurance? idk, please help. if i want to buy a new tundra, how much it does it cost?. i work full time. $3k/month.""
""CAR INSURANCE FOR A 17-YEAR-OLD, 5000 quotes. Genuinely can't find any quotes less than 5000?""
1.3 KA 2002, immobiliser, no tracker fitted yet (intend on). Not bought the car. 17-year-old as the main driver and owner, passed a month ago (roughly). I know it's obvious, but KAs are the easiest cars to buy, the car is valued at 995 (the one in mind). I can literally find 5000 quotes. The car is worth less than one fifth of this. And yes, I know that car insurance will be expensive, but reading over forums etc, some people have managed to get it down to 2000. I've tried Diamond, elephant, comparethemarket, gocompare, literally everywhere. Admiral won't give me a quote and places like Tesco will only quote 18-year-olds. I will literally LOVE anyone who knows of any quotes around 2000-3000. Any less, I believe is impossible. And I realise that insurance companies take the Michael, but please don't state the obvious with a comment like Insurance will be expensive - 5000 is about right , surely it can't be, I've found so many forums of people saying they have quotes from 2000, but not telling me where from. ):""
I am 19 years old what is the cheapest auto insurance?
I am 19 years old what is the cheapest auto insurance?
What CAR Should A First Driver GET ? Also What Company For The Insurance To Be The Cheapest ?
Passed My Driving Test 2 Days Ago ! I am 22 ! what car should i get that is cheap on insurance too ? Please give me the names and for the insurance companies :)) Thanku
Ticket and insurance rates?
My parents have 3 cars all insured in their names. I am 18 and I have my license but they never put me on the insurance because I almost never drive I usually just bike or get rides so it would be a waste of money putting me on. But recently I had to drive and I got a ticket driving for the first time in about 6 months. I am trying to get my ticket taken off my record but if I can't and it stays on then whats next? will it affect my parents insurance? or will I be forced to get on the insurance too? Is there anything I can do since I'm most likely not going to drive again until I go out and buy my own car later on.
Cost to insure a 1987 Fiero GT?
Hi, I'm 16 and I currently drive a 1999 Honda Civic sedan and I'm wondering how much more money it would cost to insure me driving an '87 Fiero GT? My dad won't let me get it because of the up in price, any suggestions from you guys to persuade him???
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/do-luxury-cars-have-higher-insurance-rates-henry-nichols/"
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