#i pray tht this gets even one note

[bradleybradshawty]

ok !

#succession hbo #succession #kendall roy #kendall succession #mlp #mlp:fim #mlp fim #mlp edit #my little pony #my little pony edit #jeremy strong #jeremy strong edit #i pray tht this gets even one note #i wonder what the venn diagram of mlp fans and succ fans is

[cherry-sodaaaa]

A/N : so this is a somewhat older fic, and (it’s not badussy bussin) so- yea but I have BETTER ones that I’ll post soon <3

Warnings:

Smut (anyone under 16 DNI)

Subby Kazuha

Maybe (?) a sprinkle of angst

GN reader x kazuha

(Enjoy~)

Always and forever ♾ ❤️

“Mmh- Kazuu~” you groan and you felt the tickle of soft hair on the back of your neck. He was “spooning”you, whilst rubbing his head in the crook of your neck. He smelled of lavender,maple leaves and sleep. “Ren- wanna go sailing later today?” You, being half asleep, pretty much just groaned in response. His arms around your waist, and pulling you closer to him,making you feel safe and loved.

TIMESKIP As you and kazuha were walking out of your house, he grabbed your waist and held you close, kissing you softly. Walking to the docks he looked for a smaller boat, more of a rowboat instead of a sailboat,but it was nice to just spend time with your beloved Kazuha.

on the boat

“Aha Kazu~ thank you! This is so fun~” you climb on top of his lap and kiss him. “Ah- R-Ren..Y-ou’re welcome.” He was blushing deeply. “Awee~ look at my little cutie~ getting all flustered~” you nuzzle your face into his neck, and you can feel his pulse rise.

“R-ren?” Kazuha stutters out. “Hm?” You sit up to look at him. “Would you like to go to Uyuu Restaurant to get some dinner?” He asks shyly. Sure, you guys had been dating for about- you didn’t even know anymore but Kazuha was still really really shy. But Kazuha knew exactly how long, he’s been keeping track so that when your anniversary came, he wouldn’t be away on an adventure.

“Hehe~ Sure Kazu.”

back in Inazuma

(Quick note from author~ So uh y’all went out on the oCeaN to sit there and relax sooo then you get all flirty bc your a top 💅. And then he asks you out to Uyuu restaurant. So yeah..AnYgAYs enJoY hoEs - Jaxon)

As you were walking through Inazuma you were holding Kazuha’s hand, waving to the other locals. When you arrived at the restaurant, Kazuha led you upstairs and asked what you wanted. “Hmm- maybe some fried tofu, tricolor dango, and green tea!” You say excitedly. It was rare to actually go on a date with Kazuha, sure you went boating or went on a walk under the cherry blossoms but this was different. When Kazuha came back with the food, he had brought your food and a bowl of ramen for himself. (I DONT CARE IF THEY DONT SELL IT, IM NOT SURE BUT THEY DO NOW👹)

“Itadakimasu~” you both say in unison before eating. (It means ty for the food in Japanese, thts a rough translation) As Kazuha was eating his ramen he looked so happy. “Heeey~ can I have a bite?” You poke his cheek with your finger. “Yemg-“ he tries saying with his mouth full. As he puts chopsticks up to your mouth you can see he’s adverting his eyes, his cheeks dusted with a cherry blossom pink blush. “Mmh~ hehe delicious!”

after eating bc I’m not typing that much sorry 💀

After leaving Uyuu restaurant, you left to go and visit Kazuha’s dear friend Tomo.

Kazuha had brought a Katsu sandwich and a small flask of sake (sah-kay). “Oh dear Tomo-“ Kazuha kneels before his friends sword and vision. He silently had started praying, just as he did every day he could.

As you started your way back to your home in Ritou you could feel Kazuha trembling. “H-hey? Kazu? Are you ok?” You ask him squeezing his hand a little tighter. “Ye-yeah, I’m fine!” He stammered out, he seemed to be lost in thought, and you startled him.

“Hmm- ok.” You say, very skeptically.

When you arrived at your home

Kazuha walked to your room and sat on your bed, you followed him. “I’m gonna go change real quick be right back~” you said, kissing his cheek. Before you could walk away, he grabbed your wrist, stopping you. “P-please stay..” Kazuha says, tearing up.

“Awee~ baby no!” You say, sitting down on the bed next to him, sitting your back against the pillows and letting him sit between your legs. (Not smutty yet you horny bastard)

He was nuzzling his face into your neck like earlier. “R-ren?” “Yes Kazu?” “Please…promise to never leave me..I-I don’t think I can handle losing someone else..” He stammers out. (He’s pretty much done crying) “No no! Never- I could never leave you and I’d never dream of it!”

You pull Kazuhas face from your neck and kiss him deeply, your hands traveling up to his silky white hair. Before you could tear away he held your head there, so instead of just a peck it turned into a heated makeout session.

When kazuha was done you could feel his little friend pushing up against your thigh..

“Ohoho~ someone must be happy huh?” You whisper in his ear, reaching down to pull down his pants.

“Aah~” there was already precum dripping from his cock.

“Hehe~ may I?~” you ask, looking up at him. (CONSENT IS SEXYYYY) “M-mhm..”Kazuha nods as you proceed to lightly kiss the tip. “Nhg~”

“Hush hush now Kazu, we wouldn’t want the neighbors hearing us….right?~” you say, slowly positioning yourself over him. “Ren? Are you sure?” He asks, his voice almost sounded scared but also desperate. “I don’t know, are you?”

As you lower yourself down onto Kazuha he covers his mouth as he loudly moans, and he keeps his hand there as you proceed to grind your hips into his.

“Woooow~ Ngh~ Kazu you feel so good~” you groan as he began to lightly grind into you his legs beginning to shake.

“Hmhm~ already? C’mon Kazu you can do it~” you moan in his ear and being planting kisses,bites,and hickies on his collarbone and neck.

“Aaah~ R-Ren I- I’m gonna-“ “NGH~ “ Kazuha pulls out and a slimy white string follows.

“Oh Kazuha you did so good~ maybe I can reward you?”

You climb on top of an exhausted kazuha and start giving him little kisses everywhere you could. When he eventually fell asleep, you put on one of your silken robes and lied down beside him.

“I love you..so much Kazuha..Forever and Always~”

And then you fell asleep with him in your arms.

#kazuha #genshin smut #genshin kazuha

[intheshadowofsignificance]

The Handmaid’s Tale is stretching my suspension of disbelief to the limit. Spoilers for season 4 below. It’s a wall of text so please be warned.

I can’t insert a cut on mobile so have some space to speed scroll away if you don’t want spoilers.

[[MORE]]

I realize the sheer implausibility of a lot of fiction is what makes it great. I respect the ability of writers to avoid pressure from fans to make everything perfect or explainable. That said, there comes a point where too much plot immunity starts to breakdown the fabric of the story. That’s what’s happening here.

First of all, is it just me or has Gilead gotten immensely soft in season four? I was physically uncomfortable throughout June’s capture scenes because I kept expecting things to get real gory real fast. I’m not complaining about the lack of it, and I understand especially after the recent episode that there are things which impact June much deeper than some of the physical torture ever could, but we are talking about a society who cut out Janine’s eye to make an example of her for talking back. A society that genitally mutilated Emily for being gay. June has lost Gilead several Marthas who will confess everything they know, dozens of their “precious children,” and she gets...waterboarded.

This woman has proven she’ll run away at the first opportunity and inspire a resistance wherever she goes. You’re telling me Gilead really wouldn’t get to a point where they cut off her feet? Burn them until they’re unrecognizable?

Another recurring theme that’s starting to show some wear is the whole “we can’t kill handmaids because they’re a scarce resource” followed almost immediately by killing them. I understand the train couldn’t have been stopped, but for the driver of the bus to start shooting to kill right off? Either handmaids are expendable when they become criminals or they aren’t. Side note: They made it way too easy for the handmaids to run, I’m going to give that somewhat of a pass because maybe Nick had a hand in it. Who can say? But I’m pretty sure I remember Emily being handcuffed at the wrists and ankles on her way to the colonies. They would’ve at the very least done that for fugitives who have run multiple times and resulted in the loss of children, aka leveraging power, and the deaths of countless commanders to this point.

Speaking of Nick, I’m pretty convinced we’re going to find out he’s leading his own secret sect of rebellion among officers headed for “the front.” The guy has, like June, gotten an excessive amount of plot immunity to this point to not have people acting as double agents with him. That kiss in clear view of the bus? You can hide a lot, but being that boldly involved with a traitor in front of witnesses, even if it had just been Lydia? Weird. Now maybe because he’s a man and a trusted one, Lydia’s word wouldn’t stand a chance against his. But there have clearly been rumors that Nick and June are romantically involved. It’s hinted at by other characters all the time and I assume is part of the reason he’s always hanging around when June is dragged back to Gilead. That’s the kind of thing that should, realistically, in a society as strict as this, put him on the wall. At some point Gilead has to be past the point of “making them wish for death is worse than death itself” because someone, somewhere is smart enough to know that, that ideology is going to be what causes them to crumble.

Another thing that’s bothering me: the accommodations of the Waterford’s as war criminals. I can overlook this because their scenes really are interesting and I’m invested in them as characters and in their inevitable comeuppance. However, Serena’s referenced involvement with Nicole or even the idea of her having any hope of it if she can convince a jury she was abused/manipulated/brainwashed is absurd. It has always been absurd that she had access to Nicole in Canada, but now that they have 86 other stolen children, even more so. Obviously they’re not going to send kids back to Gilead even if they’re the product of rape and one biological parent still resides there. They’re shown trying to place those with no relatives in Canada into the foster care system. So WHY are we even entertaining Serena having access to Nicole? This above so much else is implausible to the point of being ridiculous. Fred acknowledges Nicole is no more Serena’s than his. And I can’t help thinking they threw her pregnancy at us to help aid in Serena letting that obsession go. Because seriously there is no way to explain letting that woman be involved with June’s daughter in any way.

Aside from plot immunity, one thing that seriously hurts THT’s credibility is the lack of any sense of time passing. Nick repeatedly references going to the front but it hasn’t happened. If this was really Gilead’s doing would they waste time, and exactly how much has passed since the threat until the actual follow through?

Same way with June’s infected gunshot wound going from oozing pus and not really responding to minimal holistic treatment, to healed enough she can hoist Janine out of a train car.

There’s so much this series does right. The fabric of society is so deeply harrowing and tragic, the characters well rounded and engaging. I love the theme of June’s humanity being rooted so deeply in her maternal love for Hannah and the sense of protection she feels for the teens/kids suffering in Gilead as they are brutalized by grown men. I love that Fred sees through Serena and that they’re both so narcissistic and manipulative and unsettling to the core. I love that the writers know a lot of that existed before Gilead and that they’re both responsible for the way they’ve become as individuals and a couple.

I love that Moira acknowledges her actions are paved in guilt because she’s free and June is suffering. I love that the show doesn’t forget to acknowledge how many people are suffering for June’s choices in such complex ways, and that the alternative to that suffering is compliance or resignation, which is just going to breed more suffering. I love that we see Luke grappling with June’s choices and where they’ve left him too. I love that no one is really made to be a martyr. Deep down, there’s a piece of them all still wondering: what about me? Don’t I matter? Am I going to be okay? And no one really knows.

Having seen THT is renewed not just for the current season, but a fifth, makes me feel like they’re going to push the series to the absolute limit of believability and ruin what had been, despite questionable moments, an amazing run. I really don’t know how much more they’re going to be able to avoid maiming June, killing Nick and Lydia, and a hundred other things. We’ll see.

One of the big spoilers of the trailer was June getting to safety this season, no doubt during the last episode so they can rope us into season 5 where I am praying Hannah hasn’t “reached maturity” yet.

#the handmaid's tale #rant #long post #analysis ish

[dem-khuya]

long post but im on mobile so i’ll format it later :(

feeling rly sad this evening. like i’d been successfully running from all the sad things in my life up until this very point. all at once i’m missing my best friend (who i haven’t had a whole conversation with since october) and i’m sad about rhys (we never know if he’s staying one weekend or another and based on what he’s said to us about what my older brother told him it feels like the day tht he moves out and doesn’t live with us anymore is always getting closer) and i’m trying not to like. escape being sad by absorbing myself in a/knights (dont want this to show in the ak tag lol) and running and doing a variety of household chores. awh that sounds so sad.

i wish that i really did take time to write when im happy instead of when i’m sad like this. but it’s like. writing is so scary in general. and when im happy i never seem to find time to really put anything down lol. and i have been happy the past few days. not like super happy but pretty happy. its nice seeing rhys grow up, be sure of himself, put his thoughts to words. its been nice having derek home. and its been nice bonding with my mom. i dont want to be like her tho. always thinking about when everything’s gone and dreading every single day leading up to it. i don’t wanna live like that. but i think we all end up having those kinds of thoughts once or twice a month, or at least every now and again and i’m having that moment now. i’m sad that when my best friend returns to my life i will have grown up a lot in the months that passed between the last time we spoke and the next time. i will be sad because i think even though i’m always so happy to see her and talk to her and share our world together again that i am always moving so fast, and so far away, and she is always in the same place and i get scared that one day what if i’m too far away from her, what if her love really isn’t enough for me. or maybe what if i know she loves me so much but her love, because she’s too sick to show it to me and too sad, does nothing for either of us except be hurtful. i think there is such a thing as a useless love because sometimes you love someone so much but you can’t do anything for them sometimes and that’s the way my dad loves me and now my best friend. it’s so mean though to call her love specifically useless. i don’t think it’s useless. i just wish that it could be there for me the way i am for her.

and as for rhys. i wish that he weren’t so sad and i wish my brother weren’t so selfish. i know, in the end, everything will work out. but the time we spend in between waiting for it to work itself out is excrutiating sometimes. it’s different with rhys. i don’t want any part of my life spent without him. and i don’t want the most important parts of his life spent without us. every night i pray and every night it’s all i can feel that i can do.

is there anything i’m happy about? so i can end this on a happy note? i guess that i’m happy that this time i’m not angry or resentful at my friend for not being here for me. it’s a little worrisome because i wonder if that means i officially need her less or that this is the better outcome of me having told her how her apathy and carelessness has made me feel. but i’m glad that i don’t feel as angry that i used to and i consider that character development. i’m happy that i like my job and i make enough to pay a lot of my mother’s financial debts. now she doesn’t have to worry herself sick over all these things that weren’t her fault. i’m happy that my manager told me i was doing well in my first few weeks—i won’t have to worry about these things at least. i’m happy that i’ve found a better drawing process. i feel myself growing closer and closer to being able to put what i envision on paper. i’m happy that derek and i was able to work through angry, painful, sad emotions that we made each other feel in the past and mend them over and put our feelings to words instead of being unhealthily cruel and seethe at each other. i’m happy rhys stayed home this weekend. i’m happy that i have matured in a lot of ways over the years and that i am not the same person as i was in university. i’m happy that i bought a new keyboard and it clicks really loud when i type on it. and i’m happy that i’m going to bed after writing this. good night

#xiaoshuo

[imagining-sio]

Escapism III

Chapter III: Name your Price

A/N: sorry for the inactivity; I am currently studying abroad in France!!!

——————————————————————————

The next day started off with the alarm blaring from under my pillow. I shut off the alarm lazily before sluggishly manuvering out of bed. as my toes touched the floor, I hissed at the cold sensation. Rubbing my eyes, I walk downstairs, starting the keurig upon the small amount of countertop space I had in the kitchen.

I opened the front door, grabbing the newspaper. I glanced at the headline, finding it uninteresting. I looked up toward my neighbor’s home, only to find my neighbor picking up his paper without a shirt. I could easily spot the sleeve of tattoos that went from his wrist to his pectoral. His adonis-like body was glistening in the morning dew. I quickly looked away, hoping he couldnt see me as I slammed the door. I placed my hand upon my chest, trying to regulate my breathing. I wiped my hand overmy face praying that what I saw was some sort of delayed sleep paralysis.

I groaned, grabbing my mug of tea and moing back upstairs to get dressed for the day. I threw on a red sweater, one that was a little oversized due to the recent weather over the past week. I stepped into my dark washed jeans before slipping into my white sneakers. I took one last bated breath before mustering up the courage to walk outside for the day. I didnt have to go to work, but I had errands to run. Groceries was first on the list.

I placed the tea in a to-go mug, flung my woolen trench coat on, and grabbed my purse and keys before walking out the door. Thankfully, there was no half naked neighbor to greet my sight this time, but a woman whom was visibly dishevled leaving his home, our eyes made contact as she got into her cab. As soon as it was out of sight I watched as he lifted the garage door up, helmet in hand.

I wasted no time entering the drivers seat of my vehicle, I wasnt much up for conversation today. I set my purse in the passenger seat beside me, my keys jingling between my fingers. I stuck the key in ignition, fully expecting the vehicle to run when I turned it over.

The response I recieved was less than reasuring. The engine all but keeled over, sputting long enough before I gave up. I tried a few more times, growing more impatient each time. I tried one last time before boiling over completely.

“Are you kidding me?!” I cursed at the poor bronco. The one that had gooten from one side of the country to another. This poor, old, dishelved piece I could not bare to part from. I knew in the back of my head it was only a matter of time, but still; would it have killed him to get me into town.

I stormed out of the vehicle, samming the door, not caring who had heard it. I could hear the faint sound of music coming from the garage across the street; but I was too furious to care about it at the moment. I propped open the hood of good ole Oliver, looking at his entrails as if they were a foreign language.

Automechanics was a foreign language.

I hung my head in deafeat after looking at the engine for mere seconds. I was never going to be able to fix it. I heaved a sigh before peaking out from underneath the propped hood; the music was surefire evidence he was still there.

‘Suck it up, and go ask him,’ I repeated to myself. I wrung my hands out as I walked across the street. I relaized as I was doing so this would be the frist time I would be actively seeking him out, and not him running into me or simply by obligation.

His back was facing me as I walked up his driveway. The alternative music was blaring as he worked on his motorcycle. Fotunately he had put on a shirt, a greasy white one, but a shirt was still a shirt. A dark bottle lay at his boot, and his toolbox at the other. His hair wasn’t tied back like it nomrally was back at the shop. intead he mere tucked most of it behind his ears to keep it out of his face as he worked.

His sleeve of tattoos stood out porminently upon his arm, with only a small space left showing his actual skin. It was upon th einside of his arm, the part of his bicep that was closest to his heart. Strange why someone would leave it open and untouched like that. Then again I cannot judge what someone does to their body.

I swallowed the nonexistent gum in my throat and walked up to the doorway of his garage, knocking on the frame a few raps.

He somehow heard me knocking or saw my shadow, because he turned his head and looked at me. Initially he looked suprised to see me, which I couldnt blame him for. Its not like I was someone who was neighborly, unlike his philosophy. He grabbed the strewn remote in his pocket, turning the volume of his radio down signofocantly.

“Hello neighbor, what brings you to my humble abode?” His charm was on full display, though the bags under his eyes begged to differ.

“I made need some assistance.” my shoulders hiked up as I pursed my lips.

“And what would you need assistance with?” He stood up, wiping his greasy hands on a towel he had kept on his pant leg as he sat. He sauntered up as he did so, when finishing he slapped the towel over his shoulder, crossing his arms over his broad chest.

“I need,” I watched as his smirk grew and his brow hiked up his forehead; “your knoweldge on how to fix cars.” I threw my thumb backward, pointing to my vehicle in my driveway.

“I thought I told you to bring it by the shop?” He smirked.

“I wasn’t aware that it was a prophecy.” I rolled my eyes, feeling slightly kiddish as he smiled down at me.

“Maybe you should start listening to me more often.” Bucky nudged me as he strode out of my driveway in his destroyed jeans. I couldnt help but marvel of how the hell his thighs could fit into them in the first place.

“You coming?” I didn’t notice he had stopped. I couldn’t help but smile as I walked up to join him.

“So what is wrong with the Bronco?”

“He won’t start?”

“He?”

“Yes, he. Oliver is his name, treat him nicely.” I said as he walked up to the propped hood. He took a glance at it, making sure tht the importnat wires were connected properly. I subnociously made note of how taut his arms were as he did so.

This man was going to be the death of me.

“Hm, doesn’t look like the starter is broken. Your oil is fine too. Try starting it?”

I did as he said, hopping into the open seat, turning over the ignition again. The loud spurting sound came out in full force. Bucky ducked underneath the vehicle as I stopped turning the engine.

“Nope that is the starter all right.” he placed his hand in his scruffy chin, a small patch of grease staining it.

“How much for a starter?” I asked, drawing him out of his train of thought.

“Hmm? Oh, please, no need. Lemme grab one of my spares in the garage. Easy fix.”

That alarmed me. I did not like owing people. Owing people eant they had someting to hold over you. Something to chain you down. Owing people was leverage over you.

“No, lemme pay for it. Please,” I inisisted.

“Oh, no sweetheart. Not gonna happen. Thsi is an easy fix. It’s really no trouble for me. I have plenty of spares.” He said with a dashing smile. I walked back with him over to his garage, hellbent on proving him wrong.

“Than naem a price and I’ll pay it! It’s really not too much trouble, Barnes.”

“What did I say about calling me Barnes,” he said with a smile, laughing as he searched for the desired piece.

“Fine,” I said; “How much do I owe you, Bucky.”

“Looks like I need to go to the shop, I’m all out of spares.” He looked up at me from his rummaging in his spare bins of nuts and bolts. I noticed the glint in his eyes.

“No.”

“I haven’t even said anything,” He chuckled.

“Anything but that.”

“It’ll be really short.”

“Bucky, please.”

“I like it when you say my name like that.” he flashed a charming grin.

“Are you seriously trying to flirt your way into getting what you want?” I raised a brow. He paled.

“Is it working?” His expression winced. I could only raise my brows expectantly.

“It may have wokred on your latest romp last night but it won’t work on me.”

“So you saw her huh?”

“Not like she was subtle about it.”

“Yeah, she certainly wasn’t.” he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Still think I’m gonna do what you want.’

“Yes.” He smirked.

“Oh really,” I laughed; “How so?”
 “That’s my price. Take a ride with me to go get what I need and I’ll fix your bucket of bolts.”

“His name is Oliver.” I corrected him.

“That isn’t a no.” He leaned down and gave me a shit-eating grin. I glared daggers at him before caving in.

“Fine,” I rolled my eyes, chuckling as he stuck a victory pose.

“Lemme grab my jacket.” He ran inside, appearing a moment later with a moto jacket on his body and a helmet in hand.

“Safety first.” He paced the white helmet on my head, looming down so he could clip the buckle underneath my chin properly.

“I can do it myself you know?” I giggled, easing my nervousness.

“I know, but how else am I gonna get you to talk to me?”

“By talking to me.” I deapanned. He sat on his motorcycle, kicking it a few times to start it up.

“Where’s, your helmet?” I asked.

“You’re wearing it.” He said as he revved the bike with the mere flick of his wrist.

“Lemme guess, you have your spares at teh shop too?”

“You know me so well.” he smiled.

“I’m starting to think this is all a ploy for me to get on this bike.” I mutterd before sitting on the bike behind him. He chuckled, alerting me to that he had indeed heard my statement.

“Here,” he took hold of my hands, placing them upon his waist, making me hold onto him tight.

“Smooth move, Barnes,” I commented.

“I know”, he smirked over his shoulder toward me.

“Oh thank god, he’s self aware.” I said sarcastically, making him laugh. It was that harmony you would want to hear again and again.

“Hold on tight, doll,” He said, knocking the bike off of its kickstand. He revved the engine and sped off into the street. I held on with a bine knuckle grip, smushing my head into his back. I could only squeeze my eyes shut as the wind blew past us. I took deep breaths, inhaling his scent of leather and firewood. I gained the courage to peak my eyes open, gaining a beautiful sight.

The trees were lit just right as we whizzed by them into town, the light barely peaking through the leaves. The reflections of the lake felt like a kaleidoscope of color. I could only gaze in wonder at all of it. As we got closer into town, the trees were becoming sparse, and telephone poles were the only thing that was relatively tall enough to fit the giant redwood forest’s height. By about twenty feet or so. A content smile grew upon my face, my head coming to rest on the cushion in front of me. That cushion of course being the pilot of this contraption built for adrenaline seekers.

We soon pulled onto a familiar street, and seconds later into the auto shop. It appeared to be open, but it would seem that Bucky was not working today, the same as I wasn’t working to day either.

“See, here we are; safe and sound.” Barnes hopped off the motorcycle, a confident smile plastered upon his lips. I fiddled with the helmet before taking it off my head, trying to tame the windswept hair. How in gods name could he make windswept hair look good? It wasn’t fair.

He held his hand out, to which I gratefully took as I got off the vehicle. I handed him the helmet, before taking three steps back.

“I’ll be just a second.” He placed the helmet on the seat as he walked away to some corner of the building. I knew the place well by this point so I opted to just stand there.

Until I heard a loud clang of a wrench hitting the floor. I jumped out of my sling at the sound, turning to find both Steve and Sam standing a few feet away with mouths open to the floor. Steve has his arm up, and the large wrench at his feet.

“Uh hey guys,” I gave a small awkward wave.

“He let you ride the bike?” Same stood up from underneath the vehicle.

“Uh, yeah; is that a bad thing?” I was becoming anxious at their shared expressions.

“Didn’t he go home with you last night?” Steve asked. I paled at his insinuation.

“N-no! It’s not like that! I just gave him a ride home is all! I swear! We didn’t- I would never!” I scrambled to find words. I could see Sam’s expression quickly change from one of shock to one of amusement. For Steve however, it took him a lot longer to just become passive in his facial expression.

“You would never what?” Bucky’s voice made me stiff to the bone. He was directly beside me, holding a boxed started in his hand. I watched as his smile faded as he looked at his two friends.

“What?” He glared at Sam.

“Nothing,” Sam chuckled as he crossed his arms.

“Just spit it out Wilson.” He groaned.

“You let ride your bike?” Steve spike, still reeling, this time his tone turning hopeful.

“What about it?” He turned defensive.

“Oh, nothing. Never thought she would actually agree to it is all. She’s out of your league.” Sam chuckled, pointing his finger wiggling it between the two of us. I chuckled as Bucky began to fume.

“You’re hilarious. Don’t you have work to do?” He ordered, his tone darkened. It caught me off guard. I watched as Bucky turned heel and began to pack the item into his bike.

“Sure do, Sergeant,” Sam smirked as I watched Bucky stop mid step.

“For the love of god, stop calling me that.” He groaned, craning his head back at the two men. I could watch the interaction silently.

“Nah, it’s funny,” Wilson laughed.

“I still out rank you,” Bucky called over the sound of his engine revving.

“Eat my ass Barnes!” Sam cupped his hands over his mouth. The subsequent Barnes just gave him the finger in return. All the while Steve kept repeating that he let me ride the bike.

What kind of idiots did I befriend.

“Here you go.” Bucky handed me his white and black striped helmet.

“Sergeant?” I asked, a mischievous glint sparkled in my eye. I placed the helmet on my head, finding my place back upon the motorcycle. I could only watch as Bucky rolled his eyes, a faint dusting of pink tint his cheeks.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a vet. Big whoop.” He said offhandedly, “hang on.” He have the small warning before we sped back into the road and bi-ways.

#beefy bucky #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #biker!bucky #biker au #biker #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes x reader #james buchanan barnes #marvel

[scumchrist]

how 2 never stop being sad

repeat 2 urself tht they’re not rlly gone time has proven tht fooling urself into believing a lie is the most effective way 2 deal w things u have no control over keep listening 2 the mixtapes they made u overanalyse every single word u hear was this a sign tht things were going wrong? no, no, u were the one tht cared 2 hard, not them stay up every single night staring at ur phone either attempting 2 gather up the courage to turn these demons, these constant reminders of ur loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream or praying just for 1 second u could feel the warmth of equally returned love go out for coffee 4 times a week by urself  always bring ur notebook. never stop writing leave little comics n thank u notes with ur tip watch them smile as u get in ur car always talk down on urself whenever possible my life is shit bcs i deserve it, right? u must have done something rlly bad n its nearly impossible for u 2 cry now avoid ur friends for weeks even tho they’re the only sense of consistency u have left in ur life if they really wanted 2 see u they’d come, but they won’t who even cares?  allow urself 2 lose interest in the things u love watch as u begin 2 take a backseat 2 the world around u, don’t fight it!!!! become a secondary character in ur own motion picture but most importantly drown every single one of ur feelings in old stolen rum learn 2 love the taste of it dripping down ur throat find comfort in the warmth coming from ur stomach, ur drinking bottled love now u don’t need other people to drive away ur loneliness u just needed to find a way 2 talk 2 it

#d #drew #get out of my head #not mine

[figureinthedistance]

ive been trying 2 make a post abt david berman fr the past 24 hrs not even for my own benefit but bc i feel like bc of the person he was + what he did fr me + many others i am obliged 2 deliver some sort of testament or sth i cant not create anything for him + i dont have many options open 2 me in terms of how 2 honour him. when i found out i was @ work + i left a couple hours later 2 go down 2 this grotto 2 the blessed mother mary in a nearby park + i prayed on it + it was like a rare occasion of feeling like prayer wasnt enough + i think its bc prayer is fr me + given how much DCB has done for me i shld do sth for him. theres not rlly anything i can do so until i think of sth better im jst gna make a post semi-articulating his greatness + hopefully someone who sees this + doesnt kno him will now kno tht 2 days ago an incredibly special + strong + kind man died. i kno it was important 2 him 2 leave an impact + i’ll try my best 2 always help w that from now on. 

 this is a new kind of grief. when i went thru his tag yesterday there were like 3 posts by different ppl abt how he had saved their lives when they were going thru rough times + he was definitely like a key component of my survival when i was a teen. + im struggling to think of anyone who balanced despair + hopelessness so well w humour his lyrics cld make me laugh + some of his songs were so feel good even while mapping the horrors of existence w/ this cutting accuracy that few im familiar w/ have ever matched. he was like simultaneously confirming u were right to fear everything u feared, but then also being like. shit theres still stuff to laugh abt. theres so much u can enjoy. (is the problem that we can't see or that the problem is beautiful to me?)

i keep thinking of new lyrics + having my heart broken all over again. “folks who’ve watched their mother kill an animal know that their home is surrounded by places to go.” there was a review fr his newest album which said they were tempted to engage in rlly lazy music reviewing, by jst quoting a dozen of his lyrics instead of actually saying anything themselves. another piece said tht it was a serious struggle choosing which lyrics to share bc they were all so powerful. bill callahan tweeted ‘the world is a david berman lyric’. theres also this ch*rles darwin quote abt charles lyell, where he says the book lyell wrote ‘altered the whole tone of one’s mind, and therefore that, when seeing a thing never seen by Lyell, one yet saw it partially through his eyes’. berman definietely taught me a lot abt seeing the world + like, finding meaning + connexion w banal, unpretty things (the darwin quote also reminds me of a line from bermans poetry: there were no new ways to understand the world/ only new days to set our understandings against. now tht we won’t get any more insight from him, we’re jst gonna have to keep reusing what hes already given us to understand the coming times). before i was on the joos/mountains binge id been in a built to spill phase, + they have a lyric like "u can take the world apart to figure out how it works" (not verbatim) + DCB did a more thorough job than i can think of witnessing from many others. i feel like trying 2 describe him almost sullies his legacy bc no words will ever b able to match his own. u cant find adequate language 2 describe them bc they took language 2 unprecedented heights. 

im fighting off the urge of making this abt me but i’ll note this once: it is fr me + fr all the other fans particularly...idk...unsettling? shocking? having this happen a month after the release of his 1st album in over a decade + a week before he was supposed 2 start touring. prior 2 this news id been listening to the joos + to purple mountains on repeat fr the first time in ages bc i was so excited abt his come back. + coinciding w that was the fact tht the last couple weeks say i have fr unrelated reasons been enduring some of the heaviest suicidality in months. having him take his life honestly feels like losing someone who was fighting along side me. 

i think a combination of factors make this such a deeply felt injustice, the first being how he so deserved peace. i halfway remember a conversation w my brother when i was like 16, + we were saying how the silver jews jst made u root fr him, u jst wanted him to overcome all the obstacles he was facing. another but similar reason this hits hard is bc i hold myself off from forming any sort of personal connection w celebrities or public figures but never felt the need 2 do that w him bc he never seemed 2 fit in those categories. he never toured + rarely gave interviews + was out of the business completely fr eleven years + was never anywhere close to being rich. i also jst trusted that he was as kind + genuine + selfless + loving + brave as he came across in the rare interview + in his music + in his fan interactions + in the anecdotes shared abt him by friends or colleagues (who always also seemed to be friends, anyway). his loved ones have said he understood how important his music was to ppl + i rlly hope he did, fully. on twitter a fan shared this email he sent them abt the recovery process fr addiction after they reached out 2 him while in detox. that was a special kind of honesty + love + kindness + bravery. 

everything is heartbreaking in retrospect, which is unsurprising considering the topics of his music + poetry, but even the lighthearted stuff too. complementing the above linked tweet, this very sweet funny charming email he sent a fan tht they posted on twitter is almost unbearable fr its inclusion of the line, ‘its good to be remembered’. he was such a special person + he has done so much + deserved so much that its not right or just of me 2 keep all these thoughts + feelings to myself. he deserves to have them put out in the world in recognition of how deeply special he was. 

#david berman #ok. this is all i can do fr now!

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

  i didnt get to sleep at all... and im going to be too exhausted to work during my library slot. like yesterday- it was getting 2 tht point where i jsut could not focus. i was so, so drained tht i jsut started getting too tired to keep my eyes open, nevermind work.  and i also jsut.. couldnt do anything all night, either ... bc i spent it trying to sleep - and failing to sleep - and  im  already so fucking spacey from the sleep deprivation/disruption ... and so i just start bawling any time i try to do anythin bc like... even just making fucking notes? god, its just like trying to fucking grasp fistfuls of water, babes......  and im just so fuckin tired.

and i just feel so fucking useless bc i do nothing. ive done nothing. ive done nothin for years . like, i jsut cant muster it- and yet im getting more tired every day, man, and everythin just gets so much worse and so much further away... and idk.  i was a lost cause to begin with: i hated my life, and wanted to die so much already; i felt alone, and a failure already. and i just.. the constant downwards spiral over years man.. i keep thinkin “this is the bottom; at least it cant get any worse” but even tht is just... such an empty comfort, bc it does. every time i think “i hate myself, but at least im self-aware” it gets re-contextualised and i jsut rot more and fucking end up being blindsided and have a breakdown . the only development theres ever been is just more failure, more loss, more fucking wishing and regretting and praying that a fucking truck will hit me and god!!!!!

like. i just feel so empty . i cant take it, girls. i just feel so fuckin empty. im working towards nothing and i feel like nothing and i just want to fuckin die man. i dont want to do this. but i dont want 2 do anything. nothings right and theres just nowhere to go and nothing to do and there hasnt been anything to be happy about for years. i hate... tht my existence is nothing and i jsut. i dont know everyone keeps telling me tht everyones lost at this age; that everyone feels like this. but i just feel so much worse bc it jsut.... everyone else stil seems to have something- or have HAD something- and i just feel so much more useless, so much more inadequate for not being capable of anything whatsoever . bc its not like ijust.. dont know wht to do man its jsut. i feel like im fucking no one at this point. my brains fucking shutting down and im just really scared because half the time i cant put thoughts together any more .

like i feel like .. even others strugglin... even if they cant always msuter it, theyve at least had a passion for something in their life and i dont know. i jsut feel like fucking nothing. all the shit ive done in the past, i just feel like i did it.. to try and be someone im not bc i jsut cant be anyhting myself... like i just cant fuckin care and i dont know wht to do man. and its not a recent thing its an always thing its just... wearing my down so fuckin much man... like  i used to draw for example, but i jsust... i feel like ive never been happy iwth anhy of it. ive actually just outright loathed everything i did. not even just bc of my own absolute lack of technical skill, but just... i just feel like the entire time i was just trying to be someone who was passionate and good at something but the truth is i jsut.. i dont care man.  ive spent hours doin tht, trying to prove something to myself, only to rip up the sketchbook. throw it out. try to feel like it matters. it doesnt at all and i ahte myself . i dont care abt my degree either. i dont want to be anything and i dont even want a life man. i dont know why im still here, when its jsut miserable and bankrupt of everything and i jsut... i think abt all the ppl on my course who are good at wht they do bc they CARE but i just dont jman. i jsut fucking dont. like it doesnt fuckn help that i suck at it, too, but i just... cant connect with anything and i just...

i just feel liek a failure at being real over and over and over and im so alone . nbc thts the other thing man at least.. other ppl, even then, they still either have someone or have had someone but i just feel like... wherever i go it just doesnt work . i just feel like a shell. and the communciation problems are getting worse but it was always bad, and its never worked out and... i just feel so left out of everything and whatever i do it just never matters. . . and i odnt know ive done everything and ive tried everything and ive been myself and ive been a different person but whatever i do i jsut end up alone and crying bc everyone forgot i existed or i just ghost around the edges of friendship groups , feeling like nothin but a burden !! and at tht point i just rather disappear man ... a  and it just feels like rewatching the same tape over and over again, this fucking horrible inevitability. bc idk i remember bein a kid. real little. and its the same thing . its always the same thing & then i thoughtmaybe i could try and be better btu i just..  i feel so stupid for ever dreaming abt being happy . i really do. bc i remember even just sixth form, despite how miserable i was both irl and online- i thought i could maybe make friends but i jsut fucking cant man... over the yearsthe only difference is it just gets more fruitless every time. i dont even talk to anyone any more, but my flatmates, and they shut me out all the time . i can try rlly hard but it just makes no difference. and instead ive spent months, sometimes, just out of contact with anyone, looking at dark walls and crying bc i jsut .. i cant do anything BUT that. literally nothing BUT tht . i cant .. theres nothing there for me, that doesnt just drive me to tears bc i just feel so useless and pointless and inane. i just cant achieve anything but tht and its just...

i dont know i have nothing i want i have no one to be with i just feel like im existing and the best i can ever muster is just numbing myself and distracting myself until that starts to make it all worse and at tht point what do i do i jsut self-destruct and what does THART achieve absolutely nothing bc its just me screaming and crying by MYSELF until i exhaust myself back to numbness and the cycle continues and it doesnt change any tides, but the world keeps spinning and i keep getting further from everything, but i cant escape, i dont have the strength to or anything to and i dont have anyhting else to work with, or anything else to do and i just.. i really do jsut want to give up, i dont want to be tired and sad all the time, i just want to not exist. i wish i could have never existed . like theres not a single fucking moment i would feel remorse over losing bc its all just been so worthless, and yet ive spent all these years struggling with everything and its just so so so fucking stupid. i sincerely sometimes just feel... hatred man. just hate the shit tht i used to delude myself with , and the reasons i thought i had to hold on bc theyre all so hollowand i just...  i wish my dad really did fucking bash my head in , like i dont .............. h u know wht i mean i just.

it just always feels worse too whenever anyone event ries with me any more bc it just exacerbates everything and jsut makes me feel more broken bc half this shit... they tr y to make something, make some reason but it always just... there’s nothing there, babe! im sorry! im crying very hard, and i wish there was but there IS NOTHING THERE, and these little htings.. its just not enough to sustain any of it and im sorry. im so fucking sorry but i cant do it ny more i cant live another 20 years  with nothing but the promises that ur worth it! <3 bc wow, sometimes u give up ur seat for ppl on the bus and tht makes their day! the little things you do make people happy, and YAAY THATS ENOUGH.  like i feel so fucking horrible , and i dont wnt to be negative , and i dont wnt to ruin it for everyone . but every tim e someone sincerely approaches me with sth like tht i just feel like breakin down bc i cant man. im sorry i cant but i cant i cant i cant take this i cant take any of this i sincerely cant fucking take everythng and how much it hurts and how scared i am and how miserable i am and everything for tghat and its the same it goes the same with everything, with all the recited, stock positivity messgs and i feel horrible i jsut feel worse every time bc i just feel like its such a waste of fucking energy bc it makes me feel worse and it just. it doesnt matter none of it matters babe and none of it even makes sense and its so patronising and degrading half the time to be just told tht but i KNOW i know damn well it jsut. okay im getting incomprehensible i think im jsut. god i just feel  so sick and guilty but i jsut cant take it i just cant take it hearing it all the time  and seeing it all the time when ... its just tht and then i jsut.. spend hours empty and alone and crying and screaming and fucking hitting my head off of thigns bc i  cant cope with being alive and its sending me sdigpdsgjds0j but ... no one has an actual sincere answer tht GIVES  a reason, that makes sense within the contet, but there isnt one! there just fucking isnt one! everyrthing just makes my brainrot like tht bc there just ISNT anything tht will make me happy, that will alleviate any of the distress bc if there was i could use it,but i cant its just hopeless andc podvjpdsgdsgpjgdsp YOU KNOW. WHT I MEAN i jsut. cant.............. i cant i cant i cant and i jsut. i try but it just. its nothing i dont know why . i wish it mattered when i gave everything but its just never enough its never ever enough at the end of the day i just end up crying and sad and alone no matter what and i just. keep having these flash panics even when im stagnant where i jsut start to fucking collapse in on myself bc i  dont know wher ei am or what im doing and i jsut. i dont know man

#egg.txt #cant tag

[chocosvt]

❝ wips tag ❞

i was tagged by the gorgeous honey petals @jungnoir n @yeolology so thnk u ladies all ur ideas are so extravagant n alluring so allow me 2 be the wet blanket!!!

rn im focusing more on two pieces rather than the others ive been planning so there aint much but ya know, enough 2 get the ball rolling.

01 : baseball!mingyu / friends to lovers / romance / angst / nsfw shit

Mingyu twirled the bat around before the stump of it dug into the cinnamon dirt. His lips pursed for a moment whilst he thought, every little chirp from crickets hidden swift in the brush echoing in place of your conversation. Finally, the baseball bat budged, the wooden material resting on his shoulder as he concurred with your musing. He supposed he would go along with your entreating now, especially since he had heavy news he kept pondering on whether not he should share just yet.

A shallow smile bloomed up your lips, disappearing in the same brevity it arrived in. You were prepared to walk off to the side and sit underneath the silver moonlight as Mingyu gave his arm a hefty exercise, your ears practically perking like a feline’s when he beckoned for you.

“C’mere,” he murmured, dragging his deep ginger eyes along you blatantly, “I wanna see if you remember the pitch I taught you.” Well, maybe he would have some fun first. You fidgeted at his request, the breath inhabiting your lungs being purloined alongside a single twinkle of the stars. Your cheeks were encompassed in limerence, the memories you coddled of your previous pitch ending up with your frame hoisted over the sturdy boy’s shoulder, his palm grooving up the underside of your thigh and squeezing the flesh almost domineeringly. Then you had refused to even attempt it, though later on, with enough coaxing and honey-smooth sweet talk, he had you back on the pitcher’s mound.

“You’re supposed to be practicing, not me.” You admonished gently.

Mingyu kicked his sneaker into the dirt, the dusty cloud dissipating just as quickly as your confidence. “Just once. I’ll help you if you don’t remember how.”

02 : prince!jun / fluff / angst / possible spice / my tears

( a little heads up 7 up, this is a portion from prince!jun’s childhood !! )

Junhui couldn’t comprehend why her tone sounded so taunt, why her eyes were hardened blackberries chewing into his flesh. Pressing his lips together in agreement, he apologized for putting up a fuss and gazed down the long, marble corridor where the wash ways were held. The maid fluffed out her feather duster, relief evident on her wrinkled features. He started his bath, slowly treading his hand through the warm water, watching the dirt caked overtop his skin soak away.

He didn’t understand what all these differences were, why you couldn’t stay as long to play as the other girls. They were all about feeding him tea in porcelain cups and cutting him these ham sandwiches with their silver knives. Together they’d sit by the water fountain, eating and drinking, every girl’s satin dress that flowed like river water glittering under the sun. The spoke about which jewels they were decorating their curtains with, what tea tasting they were accompanying their parents with.

Junhui listened, though none of it sounded interesting.

“Can we play hide and seek tag?” He had asked one time to a girl named Violet, after patiently listening to her describe all the colours in her opal ring.

“We’re not allowed to run inside.” She replied.

“No, no. Like, outside.”

Immediately her voice cracked with revolt. “In the dirt? That sounds awful. If I get anything on this pretty dress I won’t be able to go to the tea house!”

“I don’t get it. [Y/N]’s pretty- I mean she wears pretty dresses and she plays hide and seek tag.”

Violet pursed her lips. “Who’s [Y/N]?”

Whoops. (tfw u dont know how 2 close the scene so u cop in with the classic “whoops” aka ill figure it out 3 mins before i post it.)

03 : love cafe!wonwoo / requested / angst / nsfw / slow burn romance?

Yet you could never stop your daydreaming, or how often you curled up in bed wondering what it would feel like to have his fingers combing absentmindedly at your scalp, those rose stained lips of his leaving lightweight kisses upon your forehead until the rattling of the ice machine drowned away.

It made your heart feel heavy, and not with butterflies, but with this depressing darkness that splashed like tar to the floor of your chest. No matter what, you would piously stumble back to that high school lunch in the art room; feel the sting that encompassed his words lacerate your confidence. There has to be a way to get close to him, you’d sigh inside your head, but maybe he really does hate me and I should keep my respectful distance. You were never certain of what that single “no” meant all those years ago. By analyzing his body language toward you, you figured it would ring with some nuance of significance. He was rather blunt and candor with a plethora of people, yet something told you it became most apparent when he had to interact with the girl who burst into his eleventh grade art room.

“[Y/N], are you noting the key points and terminology of this transcript?” Your professor peered over the thick frames of his glasses, caterpillar brows scrunched together into the most condescending wrinkle. Swallowing the dry patch that inhabited your throat, you nodded and began pretending to jot down whatever key factors he was slurring his words about. Sparing a quick glance upward, you gazed sharply around the room to see if anyone was eyeing you in derision. The last row you swept past belonged to Wonwoo, your heart jolting with an electric charge at catching his calmly flitted eyes tracing you up and down from over his shoulder. Then, it was quite possible he may have smirked at you, his lips that were brighter than bubblegum curling in such transient movement that a single blink erased the whole image. He was turned back to his notebook, printing neatly and succinctly.

Too much coffee this morning, you admonished inside your head, you don’t smirk at people you hate.

so yeah tht’s what im most occupied with. anywho, u can just scan it u dont gotta read all tht word vomit dw it’s cool w/ me. im going so slow with the writing process wefnwihef pls pray 4 me.

tagging : (optional ofc) @dumbbelle @hansolmates @lolitasletters​  @lunarjihoon @peachseong @fluffilyangsty

#OKAY #I BET NONE OF U THOUGHT I HAD SHIT DONE ON THE BASEBALL!AU #BADA BING BADA URE PARTIALLY CORRECT IM HAVING DIFFICULTY WITH THE ANGST PART #i feel like i pasted too much of my writing onto this post but it was hard finding sections where i could take #a chunk or two and not have yall like #:)) what does this fucng mean :)) #*pastes half the story instead* #also it took me reading all of mj's post 2 realize wips means works in progress #guys im still in 200BC let's not h8 #*tg #t:writing

[whatdoyouexpectthistime]

Her Love In The Zombie Apocalypse: Goodbye Goto

Author’s Note: This is the result of a dream I had, and I am absolutely unapologetic for dropping the Instructors in a zombie ridden Tokyo. Who knows... maybe this won’t just be a oneshot?

Happiness doesn’t last, does it?

In the perfect world, we grow to be strong, learn to believe in ourselves and to have the courage of our convictions, and finally meet someone with whom we can be that person – in both strength and weakness.

When you find that person, don’t let the small, the insignificant things come between you.

Embrace.

Embrace your differences and each other and don’t let go. Fight hard and with everything you’ve got.

Because you never truly know when the dream will end.

Panting and laboured beneath the weight of my backpack, I struggle to keep pace. Kaga and Soma are already pulling aside our barricade at the east end of the academy, while Shinonome and Ishigami stand alert for approaching threats.

At my side – always at my side – Seiji remains in step.

His face is smeared with the horror of his narrow escape, much like the rest of us.

But one of us fell, one of us didn’t really escape at all, the others just don’t know it yet.

Seiji doesn’t know it yet.

“Get the hell in here!” Kaga barks, but his curt urgency is no exaggeration now.

The threat is real, however disbelieving we were at the beginning, the truth has well and truly sunk in.

“Christ,” he huffs as Seiji and I pass him, and he and Soma begin to reassemble the barricade protecting our fortress home. “Could you possibly find a smaller pack?”

“Screw you,” I gasp, stumbling into the foyer and sliding the bag from my aching shoulders.

It hits the floor with a heavy clunk, the cans within part of the bounty we’d retrieved from several convenience stores much further from the academy than we have ever venture since the incident. Those closest to the academy have already been stripped bear, and it was the necessity to eat, and to provide for those who also shelter with us, that prompted a much more dangerous run to distant sources.

Roaring in my ears, my pulse refuses to slow, and Seiji looks me over with worry.

“Are you all right?” he asks quietly, leaning against the wall beside me, peering at me with those gunmetal eyes haunted by deep concern.

“Mm,” I nod, giving him a weary smile.

Anything to ease his troubles.

Anything to lighten this heart I love.

Anything to protect it from breaking.

But I can’t.

“That was intense,” I add, as Ishigami joins us.

“Everyone okay?” he asks, the blandness of his expression a stark contrast to the dangle of gore hanging from the left side of his glasses.

“Yeah,” Seiji confirms, and I nod also.

Liar.

But they take my word for it, this trust is what has kept us alive this long.

There are untold numbers of dead in Tokyo, some permanently, some now roaming, shambling, looking for prey – because it all happened so quickly, and people didn’t know how fast the infection spread, how virulent it was.

We still don’t know how it started. Even law enforcement was woefully unprepared, and communication came too slow, too late.

“Let’s get this stuff to storage,” Seiji prompted, shouldering his pack, before collecting mine.

“I’m not completely useless,” I argue, but I’m playful in my scorn.

Oh how many small things has Seiji done for me? When was the exact moment his selflessness won over my heart? I have no doubt, he would gladly give his life in exchange for mine – but this time, he can’t.

 When twilight drifts, everyone goes to their posts. We check our defences, reinforce each barricade, look for weaknesses and plug them, and check night-watch rosters.

Glancing down the list I note who is meant to be at each guard position. It looks as if I’m just doing my job, but in reality I need to know who is where for a very different reason.

Shivering, I pull my jacket more closely around me, and eventually meet up with Seiji in our room.

Our room.

It was going to be a little house, with a yard big enough for a dog and a small vegetable patch. That was our shared dream.

Now, he is all that I have left of that dream, and…

“You look tired,” he tells me, gently taking my face between broad palms. “You’re cold.”

“It’s a clear night,” I point out, leaning into his touch, trying to memorise the sensation. “It’s freezing out.”

“Well, it was a long day,” he smiles, carefully sliding his fingers into my hair and running them all the way to the tips. “Early night?”

“Gladly,” I exhale, hoping he can’t tell I’m gritting my teeth behind this smile.

He doesn’t know I organised a pack of bare essentials while he was showering, and hid it from sight. He’s treating me like he always has – the centre of his world.

Mouth dry, maybe from the gathering nervousness of what I must do, or maybe… I can’t tell if the jackhammer pounding against the inside of my skull is part of my transition, or the spread of guilt and grief and emotional pain so potent it’s a wonder I can stand, let alone smile like nothing is wrong.

And everything is wrong, because the throb in my forearm, hidden by the long sleeves of my flannel pajamas, is a harbinger of my imminent death, and horrifying resurrection.

And I can’t be here when that happens.

Just the same, I snuggle under the blankets, and as Seiji is reaching over to turn off the lamp, I wrap my uninjured arm around him, and press myself mercilessly against his back.

I want to feel the imprint of his body against mine, my fingers, my hands, I want to remember every taut undulation of his chest, and the steady rhythm of his breath.

“Your hands are still icy,” he grumbles, but hugs my forearm tightly.

And I pray he doesn’t hear my breath catch and stick in my throat, or feel the desperation to withhold a sob in the tension of my muscles.

“You always warm me up,” I whisper, hardly a breath at all, and he gives my hand a squeeze.

Nothing in the world would give me greater peace, than to remain here – but if I stay, even until morning… I might truly destroy him. Instead, I listen to the sounds of him, inhale the scent of him, until he falls asleep.

And then I have to exercise the absolute, utmost of my willpower to separate – softly so as not to wake him, when all I really want is for him to wake suddenly, grab me, pull me down and wrap himself around me.

I am my own person, but I would gladly let him consume me like tht.

Cautiously I cover him back up, but the slight motion of Seiji’s head causes his fringe to flop over his closed eyelids.

So innocent.

And yet so fierce in my defence – and this is why I have to go.

He would make excuses, drag it out, maybe even beg me to stay even while knowing my fate is a foregone conclusion.

Go. GO! You have to go. For his sake.

As quietly as I can, I retrieve my backpack. There is hardly anything in it, because let’s face it, I’m not going to be needing human supplies for much longer.

Then there is the letter.

Saying goodbye, face to face, seeing him break… I can’t. And it’s not arrogance to think he will, because his heart and mine are one and mine…

… is being torn apart.

On the pillow, still fresh with the impression of my head, I leave my final missive to him, and bite down so hard on my lower lip, it bleeds. These feet won’t move but they have to.

Go.

My insides are hollowed out, a gaping, weeping wound very nearly prompting a sob when in my retreat from out room I spy Domo-kun.

It’s so stupid that Domo-kun should symbolise our love somehow, but for some reason that gift to me left a lasting impression. And even in the chaos, he stayed with us as a constant.

“Goodbye Domo-kun,” I whisper, slipping out into the hall and closing the door on all I ever wanted.

BONUS:

 “Cold,” Goto murmured, rolling over and groping across the bed for his favourite source of warmth.

It was not so jarring an awakening, for he didn’t yet know the truth. His wife could be any number of places by far more obvious than having snuck out in the night to meet her grizzly fate.

So he clutched at the blankets and tucked them under his chin, and in doing so disturbed the piece of paper beside him.

Rubbing his eyes with the back of one hand, he plucked the missive from the pillow and unfolded it.

And dread began to form, dread that turn swiftly into a panic without description.

(Author/Narrator’s note: I blame @nitelotus​ for the following recording, after she made fun of me for crying as I wrote this. At least I don’t charge stupid amounts for voiced stories right?)

-Click to LISTEN to her letter-

My dearest Seiji,

We said, till death do us part – but, I’m not sure where undeath fits into that.

I am sorry.

I made a mistake and now… the cost of it must be paid. And this is the one time you can’t save me, no matter how many times I call you name, the enemy now inside me cannot be defeated.

You will be angry that I didn’t tell you, that I didn’t… give you a chance to say goodbye, but leaving like this is the lesser of two terrible evils.

I will turn, it’s inevitable, and I don’t want your last memory of me to be as a monster.

Please remember the brush of my fingertips against your forehead.

Please remember the warmth of my body curled against yours.

Please, remember the passionate heat, and the bliss of our every union.

And let me save you this time – let me stand, even at this distance, between you and having to see me as anything other than the woman you took to be your wife.

That woman will soon be consumed, but until the very end I will fix you in my mind and heart, grip you relentlessly, because you have taught me what it means to be loved so unconditionally, so completely; I will not be afraid.

Loving you, and being loved by you, has been a privilege I’m not sure I ever really deserved, but you have been the absolute, the most precious gift I ever received.

I love you.

Your dearest wife.

 The bed beside him was cold.

When in the night had she left him?

He knew she was gone but could not control his panic. It exploded inside him, could not be contained, and it drove him from their room in his pinstriped pajamas. With abandon he threw himself down the corridor, blind almost but for a target in the distance he had no way of seeing.

Morning greeted him with a slap of winter, but Goto struggled through the haze of his desperate breaths lingering in the air, and staggered like a drunkard to the outer most manned position.

“Did you see her?!” he shouted.

“Lieutenant?” the young man queried, looking very confused.

“My wife!” Goto gasped. “Did you see her? Did she leave this way?”

But the pair stationed there could tell him nothing, nor could any of the other outer guards, and finally, her last words to him clutched in his bloodless fist, he sat, in the dirt, trembling.

Why couldn’t he see her face? Why could he only see the back of her, her retreating figure moving with laboured steps through the undead who paid her no mind?

Losing her was… there were simply no words, but to know she had gone alone with such pain in her heart was a wound to him like no other.

 And all he could do was sit, and stare off into the distance.

#voltage inc #voltage fanfic #voltage otome #hlitf #her love in the force #hlitf fanfic #her love in the force fanfic #hlitf angst #hlitf au #goto seiji #goto seiji angst #zombies

[crabbielife]

CHAPTER 71

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SR and MR worriedly fuss over WY’s eyes. WY says she’s OK, just stings a little. MR thinks WY’s mum is too much. If it were her who ranks 2nd, her mum would proudly announce it to the neighbors 😂 She adds that WY’s mum should be thankful to hv a kind daughter like WY. WY sighs, saying her mum is indeed too much. MR then asks if KJ manages to contact her…cuz the previous night he went out of the house after not being able to contact WY. MR notes that KJ must be liking WY for real, cuz he knows right away when WY has a problem. WY scratches her nose, lying that he doesn’t contact her at all. .

Flashback to the morning “kiss”. KJ is very shocked after realizing what he’s done. He stammers, “b-b-because your eyes seems to be hurting..so I…no..I just…suddenly..without realizing..” Then he goes on his knees, apologizing profusely to WY, saying that he wouldn’t do such thing again. WY says if he does it again, she’ll report it to the police (though she’s blushing hard while saying this lol). KJ says she can report him. WY then asks her not to come to her house again, KJ agrees. WY also tells him not to tell his friends, KJ says he’d never. Then WY says, “thank you,” KJ raises his head in shock. WY ruffles his hair, “Thank you for worrying about me..but still from now on don’t sleep in front of my house..it’s not good for your body.” Puppy KJ instantly says, “Yes, noona”😂 WY jokingly yells, “I’ll report it!!” and KJ shuts his mouth comically 😂 WY then asks him to return home, so his parents won’t be worried about him. KJ says it’s OK, cuz they live separately anyway. WY asks why. KJ says the situation is hard to explain..but basically ‘this oppa’ has a fight with her father then leaves home. WY asks if he ran away. KJ says he wasn’t running away…Green Nam also knows where he lives now and he sees his mum often as well. He tells WY that there’s nothing to worry about…that he’s just not contacting his father for a long time already…his father might even feel comfortable there’s no annoying son 😂 WY still worries since it’s his father.

KJ calmly says that’s because she doesn’t know Nam Sun-Jang (his father) who even made a bet when KJ fought someone in middle school 😂 WY says that his father might do that cuz he’s worried about KJ. KJ snorts, saying that he had countless fight with his father… WY looks at him with concern. KJ then awkwardly says that the fight during middle school wasn’t initiated by him…though WY might not believe it. But surprisingly, WY says she believes him..and asks KJ to call his father first. KJ is like “Why…suddenly?!” WY smirks and tells him, “aren’t you a good kid?”……KJ replays this scene over and over in his mind, with different version ofc 😂😂😂 In his mind, it’s Angel Wooyeon who said “you’re the kindest, coolest, and sexiest guy, aren’t you” #imaginationrunswild 😂😂😂 His three bffs only stare at him, wondering wth happens this time lol. .

Meanwhile, at school, WY sits at the school field by himself and stares at the number of missed calls from Mum in her phone. She sighs, “I told Nam💩 to call his dad first..but I..I really don’t wanna pick up the call..” Flashback to her childhood. She narrates that she used to be proud of his mum, cuz she’s pretty and confident. She even prayed every night to be like her mum when she’s grown up…but she didn’t turn to be like her mum. Her mum turned to be a scary mum for her. Ppl even asked her if her mum is a stepmother, but little WY told them not to talk bad about her mum [She narrates, “Even if other people saying such things, I never bring myself to hate mum]. Scene shifts to another place (it looks like a court for me? Or prosecutor office? Idk haha). WY fell down and cried. Her mum kindly calmed her down. Then they both heard other people talk about their family. Basically they said that WY’s dad married an unpopular ballerina..the talk about the impossible (as in very annoying or arrogant) son and how greedy he is just like his dad..how they often heard he was a genius since he was a kid. They continued that even after those big talk, he only worked as a part time lecturer…and he was so unfriendly since he was younger.They talked about how he’s become like that cuz he swallowed everything his father feed him (as in believe all the praises given to him..he believe he’s that great). They then talk about he’s lucky cuz he managed to land in his previous job again…they then talk about his female sister who seems to be so different from him..at this moment, mum covers WY’s ears, so she couldn’t hear all the bad talks directed to her. WY narrates that at that time, the hands covering her ears were so warm and she couldn’t think mum as scary. At the present time, WY thinks that mum also hates WY being talked badly by others..that maybe what she’s done is her way to protect WY… “but if a kid feels hurt, isn’t it the wrong way to show affection?”

[EPILOGUE] KJ is agitated and annoys TS. He then decides to go outside and calls his dad. Dad isn’t picking up and KJ is like, “HAH!!! SEE? HE DOESN’T EVEN PICK UP” 😂 But his father finally picks up (at last!), “Maknae? Did you get into an accident?” 😂😂😂 KJ instantly flares up, “DO YOU ALWAYS THINK I GET INTO AN ACCIDENT?!!” His father: “then why do you call in the middle of the night, damn wench?? I was shocked!” 😂 KJ: IT’S JUST BECAUSE I HAD A PROMISED WITH SOMEONE..SO. I. HAVE. NO. CHOICE. His father: How dare you talk like that to your father, wretched kid?!! KJ: I LEARNT FROM YOU (LOL 😂). I’LL HANG UP. His father: Hey.. Hey.. wait, wait!!! KJ: What? His father: Do you need money? (😂😂😂). Should I give you? KJ: Nam Sun-Jang, I don’t need money. I have frigging lots. His father: WHAT, BASTARD?? A STUDENT SHOULD ONLY STUDY, WHERE GOT MONEY?!! KJ: *pissed* *stomping his feet* ARGH WHATEVER I SAID, CAN’T YOU JUST PRAISE ME? I’VE BECOME LIKE THT BECAUSE OF YOU!! His father: WHAT??! I’VE RAISED YOU SO WELL AND YOU DARE SAYING THAT? KJ: IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!! I’VE BECOME NEEDLESSLY HANDSOME IS YOUR FAULT!! (😂😂😂) His father: WHO’S HANDSOME? A KID LIKE YOU? (😂😂😂)

-End of Chapter-

((actually his father and KJ’s relationship isn’t bad at all. Their fights are just petty fights. It’s comical at most lol)).

================================================================================

CHAPTER 72

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WY prepares to go to school early again. Her mum stops her, “You don’t eat breakfast again?! Why you don’t answer me?!” (Cuz WY completely ignores her). WY tells her, “I’ll answer you if you respect me.” Her mum is angry -_-/// Her father asks why so noisy in the morning. Her mum smiles and says nothing happens. WY excuses herself. She narrates that mum hasn’t changes since then, still treats her as an insignificant being. But she decides that she won’t just feel hurt and accepts it, because she’s now a different WY. .

At WD’s school, the kid is making fun at Bonggu again, calling him “Babonggu” (as in Babo-Bonggu – stupid Bonggu). But BG doesn’t seem affected. WD looks at them and feel annoyed. He then asks BG if that’s his real name. BG says his name is “Mun Bonggu” then WD says he shouldn’t let ppl make fun of him. BG cheerfully says he’s OK and he’s rather stupid anyway. WD is like, “kbye. I’m not friend with stupid ppl” 😂 Poor BG instantly says, “Then I won’t be stoopid!” WD says, “then writes your name properly” BG writes his real name on a paper innocently 😂 WD yells that he doesn’t mean that.he meant BG should also act properly, wipes his snots, and be serious.. BG hilariously follows what WD says 😂 The other kids look at them, thinking they’re funny and WD seems different nowadays. The bully leader doesn’t seem pleased, asking his friends just to go and play with them then. Meanwhile, WD’s mum meets other mums…and I hv no intention to read this part at all 😪😪😪 *skips*.

Scene shifts to Green and Sunho who are busy painting. Green is surprised to learn his brother has called their father, thinking that he must have eaten something wrong 😂😂😂 Sunho asks why the parents only call her. Green says it’s because she’s the kind one 😂 Sunho says, “how proud” and wipes a trace of paint on Green’s cheek. Green is flustered..she recalls that time when he said “then you’ll take responsibility?” But he said he was only joking at the end haha. Green slips away from his touch, randomly says “Sunho you’re a good friend Ha-Ha-Ha” 😂

Then Sunho tells her to treat him well while she can. Green is like, “where are you going?” Sunho answers that he’s going to enlist in the military, to her shock. He says he’ll go after this semester ends. Green is upset, asking why he didn’t tell her sooner. Sunho asks why he should. Green is flustered, saying “cuz we’re bff.” Sunho sighs and says that’s why he’s telling her now, not like he’ll enlist tomorrow. Green tries to joke, asking should she go with him 😂 They’re then interrupted by a group of Sunho’s friend. They talk while she stares of him intently. .

SR and WY go to MR’s class to go home together. MR surprises them by wearing makeup. They both praise her “pretty”. MR asks WY to try, but WY refuses. MR asks why and notes that WY will look pretty with makeup. WY says she knows, but she’ll look prettier without 😂 MR shivers, “where did you get that confidence from” lol. WY says she’s content with herself now, she doesn’t even have any pimples. MR then wonders if she should erase her makeup. WY asks why should she..she looks pretty. MR dejectedly says that she looks weird. SR cheers her up, saying ppl who wanna wear makeup should just do it, and vice versa. MR then decides to keep it on. They then walk home together. MR asks them to eat tteokbokki together. WY is reluctant to go..but MR whines, saying she’s very hungryyyy. WY concedes and lets MR drags her to a place…where Daewoo and his gang are eating. KJ is also there..he instantly spits his food when he realizes WY is coming 😂

-End of chapter-

================================================================================

CHAPTER 73

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At the restaurant, KJ tries to feed WY, earning glares from their friends (TS: “YA!! U think we hv no mouths??!” aka they wanna eat too..but KJ gives all to WY lol). WY is uncomfortable with his attention, telling him to eat. KJ happily announces to his friends, “See? She only asks me to eat 😍 Only me 😍” 😂😂😂 After they eat, KJ continues hovering around WY, saying it must be fate that they meet today lol. WY glares at MR who’s busy flirting with TS, realizing it’s the real reason why she wears makeup today lolol. KJ then shyly tells WY that he called his father. WY is happy to hear that, asking if he finally makes up with his dad. He says it isn’t like that..he’s been going on about coming to Seoul, so bothersome 😂 WY notes that his dad must be missing KJ. KJ snorts that his father will just beat him up 😂 He then asks how’s WY’s mum. WY says sadly that she hasn’t made up with her mum. KJ tells her to leave home like him…so she’ll open her eyes on how precious her daughter is. WY says that’s impossible. KJ ruffles her hair, saying that if she has nowhere to go, he’ll take care of her 😂 WY hits him, “Don’t say such rubbish!!” KJ whines “I said I would. You don’t trust oppa?” 😂 TS hears their exchange, gritting his teeth “that bastard still lives in my room tho” haha. On the other hand, MR asks since when TS has become so tall (TS: maybe since elementary school) and when he’s become so handsome (TS: since birth)…SR just stares at them from behind. DW tries to take the opportunity to confess to SR, giving her flowers. SR just treats him coldly…and just interested in “Songra” (something used as a herbal medicine) she accidentally finds amidst the flower bucket. DW cries, thinking SR accepts his flowers…SJ is like “I don’t think so, DW-ah” lol. TS just watches this exchange. .

They finally arrive at the girls’ cram school. WY asks KJ to just go back since she has to go inside. KJ insists to stay until he makes sure WY goes inside safely. WY then suddenly recalls that YR 🐍 said KJ was her ex bf. She’s about ask KJ about that (KJ: OMO you wanna ask me something? You finally have interest in me? OMO wait I need to prepare myself)..but get interrupted by DW who yells loudly, “ARE YOU GUYS FINALLY DATING?” 😂😂😂 WY is flustered and runs away…while KJ kicks DW in fury. Meanwhile, at school, WD does his detective-like observation toward clumsy BG. When he notes that BG is good at jumping rope, BG instantly jumps more excitedly. Their classmates laugh at his antics 😂.

At home, WY receives a chat from Green..announcing that they may bring one friend to SF meeting this week. WY recalls that YR asked her a favor…to meet KJ just once more. WY sighs, thinking she has no right to refuse YR..but..*a flashback to KJ who adorably tried to feed her*..WY shakes his head, tells herself she’s being unreasonable and they aren’t even dating anyway. She then decides to text YR 🐍 to invite her to SF meeting. YR received the text, smirking 🐍🐍🐍

-End of Chapter-

================================================================================

CHAPTER 74

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WD is staring at “Mun Bonggu Report” and WY suddenly appears behind him, asking what’s that. WD is startled, “why didn’t you knock?!” WY says she’s knocking but heard no answer then asks if Bonggu is his friend. WD says he isn’t, yet. He’s still running a test against Bonggu, to see if he’s worthy to be WD’s friend..but he’s found no merits yet, so he questions if BG can live up to his standard. He further says that BG is good at nothing, too kind, and always has snots coming from his nose lol. WY says that BG must hv one strength. WD agrees that he should’ve one, since he’s living in this harsh world. WY smiles, saying that he can have one strength, which is having WD as his friend. WD frowns. WY says that WD should just decide it using his heart. WD says mum says he should judge based on certain standards..also to decide whom to date later. WY sighs heavily, then asks him IF one day she dates someone unmatched to WD’s criteria, would WD hate her. WD instantly says, “then don’t date such guy!!!” WY smiles, “You’ll be sad right?” Then she advises WD to just be friend first and see later, that way is cooler. WD snorts, saying it’s bothersome. .

Meanwhile, KJ is having a photo shot. The photographer praises him and asks TS why KJ doesn’t just debut officially. TS says that it’s impossible and reminds him about the incident few years ago. That photographer asked KJ to help him. He’s kinda hitting a rock bottom in his career and there’s one photographer can help him…but KJ was getting mad when he’s being forced to smile etc, etc… Anyway back to the present, the photographer grimaces and says it’s impossible indeed 😂 DW appears and asks KJ to hv lunch together but he’s still angry (for interrupting him and WY before) and beats DW up 😂😂😂 .

WY is working hard to draw TS and MR pic. MR boasts it to SR, saying that their chemistry is sizzling hahaha. SR coolly says that TS has a girlfriend and tells MR that she met him by chance not too long ago. Even telling MR that the gf seems to be way older than him. MR flares up, accuses SR that she’s painting TS bad.. Then goes on with her delusion about oh-so-perfect-TS 😂😂😂

At school, WD recalls what WY tells him and starts helping BG to pick the scattered balls. He tells BG that doing it together will save time, “You don’t need to thank me”. BG is happy, “I won’t thank you” 😂 They bring the basket together, then the bully leader deliberately bumps into BG and causes the basket to spill over. WD asks him to help picking up the balls again if he’s really sorry. Bully leader (aka Minho) refuses to and goes on insulting WD and BG (BG tries to stop him but get insulted as “stupid”). WD is mad, asking MH to apologize for what he said to BG (aww he didn’t ask MH to apologize for the insult directed toward him). MH refuses and further insults WD. He tells his friends out loud, “Do you know that Song Woodol’s mom is just annoying as he is? My mum tells me that his mum is a big liar. She even lied about doing ballet.” That’s it. WD loses his temper and hits that kid.

=End of Chapter=

================================================================================

CHAPTER 75

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WD’s mum frantically rushes to school, laments over WD’s bruised face…and naturally accuses BG as the culprit 😒😒😒 WD yells that it’s not BG, he’s the one taking the blow for WD. The teacher tells mum to calm down, cuz MH’s parent is coming soon. Mum instantly singles MH out. MH says that WD hit him first. WD’s mum scolds him for lying and for being brought up improperly cuz his parents divorced (HOW COULD SHE SAY SUCH THING TO A KID 😡😡😡). She then scolds WY, “Have I been telling you to befriend or date someone with high standards?? Kids like those will end up as criminals when they grow up!!” The teacher is trying to stop her, cuz she’s overstepping the line, but she doesn’t listen. WD finally can’t take it and yells that he did beat him up first. At the car ride home, Mum changes her tune. She says ppl do make mistakes and WD shouldn’t be worried and just study hard cuz Mum will take care of it. WD says that he is wrong but why mum isn’t angry. Mum says WD did no wrong, cuz that kid must hv done smthg bad first. She asks WD to go to hospital, but WD insists to go home. At school, BG’s grandma comes to pick BG. She’s worried over his wound. But MH’s parents couldn’t come because they’re too busy working. The teacher offers him to go together. BG and his grandma also offer him. But he refuses and runs away.. (Poor kid probably very sad and envious of BG ;;)

On Sunday, Black Finger arrives at the cafe using her full costume, greeted by the cafe owner and Big Foot as usual. Khaki has come already and they both go to the room together, awkwardly. She asks what’s his costume today. He says he’s quite unprepared so she offers to help him preparing himself, cuz she even brings makeup kit today. .

On the other hand, WY meets YR 🐍 first. WY sincerely praises YR’s beauty. YR praises WY for being cute. WY cheerfully agrees lol. YR is taken aback, wondering where does the confidence come from 😪. Anyway, they arrive at the cafe and WY is greeted by Big Foot. YR stares at them in disgust. When WY introduces YR to Big Foot, he turns his back against YR 😂

WY wonders why Big Foot is acting like that, but thinks that may be his condition isn’t good. She asks the owner about the room and explains the usual rule to YR who thinks “don’t explain it one by one” 🐍🐍🐍The room’s door today resembles a coffin. WY excitedly says it’s cool…then off to prepare her costume. YR stands outside and thinks that she feels strange today. At TS’ place, TS knocks the toilet door urgently, asking KJ to come out of it already. He is greeted by vampire KJ 😂

-End of chapter-

[WEBTOON] SPIRIT FINGERS 71-75 CHAPTER 71 SR and MR worriedly fuss over WY's eyes. WY says she's OK, just stings a little.

#Spirit Fingers #webtoon

[vulpoi]

local queer wants to die

me: hey if you could give me some space while i go through this tough situation that would be appreciated thanks teresa: WOW you are CRUEL,,, arent you even going to listen to how bad MY day,,, was what kind of daughter ARE you where,,, did i go WRONG????????????

i had to hide in the basement for 5 minutes while waiting for fucking pizza rolls because heaven forbid i wanted solid food for once

im not teaching piano anymore. i had to stop because einsteins wont respect my fucking availability so ive lost a major source of income but that’s not even what i care about. ive watche these kids grow up over the last few years and now i have to say goodbye and it’s breaking my heart to bits. all because a couple of people cant read a piece of paper that says i cant work past 3 and cant come in on sundays or tuesdays. hell you think the fact that i walk home would be enough of a motivator on that but i guess not. my kids deserve more than a few lessons a month, esp in these formative years. i care more about their advancement and education than whether i’m involved in it.

i want to actually kill myself a lot more than usual. ever since i got fag tagged ive been having the worst what 2 weeks?? week?? i cant keep track of time anymore i feel like im deterioating

every time i try to open up to someone about what’s been going on they make it about them and im so tired of trying to fix all of their proble,s when i dont even have the time to fix my own. i bought a bike to cope with einsteins shitty availablity bullshit because they refuse to stop fucking me over an it was broken from the second i bought it im 300% sure someone bought it fucked it up and returned it so i burnt my entire paycheck and also these pizza rolls are the closest thing to nutrition thats not a liquid ive had all week now.

im just a side character in my own fucking life and i got one chapter of exposition but everyone skipped it to get back to the main story but they all still claim to like me as a characteer for the moments i help the protag. but only for tht. im useless otherwise and thats not the way i want to live.

i relapse twice since getting attacked. im burning sigils into my arms an legs and praying they fucking work because my craft is the only part of me i have left and even then it’s not making it out unscathed. i have nothing left going for me.ive been crying for like 7 hours and i cant think straight

i feel like the only way out is to kill myself honestly an with every goddamn second i feel like getting out is a higher and hogher priority. but if this post ends up being my suicide note im gonna be pissed as shit because i want something a lot more organized than this.

#yells yells #suicide tw #self harm tw