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halfblood-fiend · 4 years

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Star Trek Bingo 2020: Vertical Prompt 1/Horizontal Prompt 4

TRANSFORMATION

Show: The Original Series

Words: 7,940

Rating: General Audiences

Warning(s): pining! and Kirk is an idiot! Also, this was the last prompt that I speed wrote today so, hopefully the editing isn’t 100% awful!

Here, There Is No Golden Ball

A First Contact with a hyper-telekinetic race called the Haijinn turns quickly from routine to devastating when Spock has an un-frog-ettable run-in with one of the race’s priests. Captain Kirk, with the begrudging help of Bones, has to find a way to turn Spock back or doom him to a long and des-pond-ent life.

Read it on AO3.

“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4846.1. We have encountered a new post-warp civilization on the outer reaches of Federation space. Xenosociologists have been monitoring this planet’s rapid technological march and were pleased to ask the Enterprise to be their Federation liaison. As part of our routine First Contact procedure, we have invited a handful of delegates to break bread with us up here on the Enterprise. They are a fascinating people on paper, but their unique telepathic and telekinetic abilities far surpass my own lofty expectations. On the surface, they seem able to conjure matter out of thin air. While basic laws of physics say this is impossible, it is still a wonder to behold. If I believed in such things, I could almost describe it as… well, like magic. Luckily, the Haijinn’s are just as fascinated with our own technological advances, but for a far different reason…”

The High Priest Mailak blinked his large, bulbous milky blue iris-less eyes at the control panels in the Engineering Room. His small head on his long, spindly neck swayed side to side, reminding Kirk a bit of an ostrich from Earth. With the large, but squat body hidden under the many folds of his robes, the similarities were striking. All the High Priest and his people were missing, Kirk thought, were the long legs.

“And you have managed to build all of this on your own? With your hands?” Mailak inquired in a gravelly dialect punctuated by clicks emanating from the back of his throat and deep within his chest.

Scotty waited until the communicator in Kirk’s hand had translated Mailak’s sentence to Standard before he answered, “Well, not by meself, personally, but, aye. Other Human Beings built the Enterprise with their own hands and tools. And maybe a service droid or two, but ship buildin’ is mostly a work of the people.”

A pause while the communicator translated back into Haijann, and then Mailak and his entourage emitted a high-pitched series of clicks that Kirk felt fairly confident interpreting as “oohing and ahhing.” He smiled. “Scotty is my Chief Engineer, and it’s his job to see that I never lose the total functionality of my ship. He keeps the Enterprise running in top shape.”

Scotty bit his lip and clasped his hands behind his back. “If yeh don’ mind me askin’, Your Excellency, sir, how do you make your ships, if not by your hands?”

Mailak’s wide, flat mouth and delicate, thin lips parted in a near grimace. Kirk wondered if he was trying to mimic a Human smile or if the Haijinn normally did that. The first possibility was somewhat endearing; the latter would take some getting used to. “We envision the creation and it becomes so.”

Blinking, Scotty cocked his head at the High Priest before turning to Kirk. “Is that communicator warkin’, Captain?”

Not all his senior staff had a chance to look at the dossier, apparently. Kirk decided to give Scotty a break—this time. Smiling warmly, he answered, “I assure you, Scotty, it is.”

Mailak looked between them both and then, bobbing his head in such a way that Kirk wondered if there was a body language component to their language, said, “For such a large object as a space-faring vessel, the oiimaige takes many highly tuned minds working in conjunction for long stretches of time. But for my people, anything we can imagine, we can create. It is our unique gift, our connection to the Oiim. Hold out your hand and observe.”

Even as he did as he was told, Scotty glanced at Kirk and said, “Now I know that thing’s busted.”

“Not everything has a perfect translation all of the time,” Kirk reminded him gently as Mailak closed his eyes and concentrated.

The ship-wide intercom chirped from over on the wall and a voice rang out from it. “First Officer Spock, to Captain Kirk.”

Mailak’s eye’s fluttered closed as he focused, and Kirk decided that Scotty would live for a few moments without the Universal Translator. He strode towards the intercom and pressed the switch. “Kirk here. Spock, what is it?”

“Captain, we will most likely be unable to rendezvous with you in the briefing room at the appointed time.”

“Why the delay, Mr. Spock? We are nearly finished showing His Excellency, The High Priest our Engineering Room. That should have been plenty of time for you and Her Eminence.”

“Indeed, Captain. However, Her Eminence, the Southern Priest, is quite enthralled with the ship’s library computer. She requests that she should be granted more time for study.”

Well, that certainly rubbed Kirk the wrong way. Glancing back at Mailak and Scotty, he spoke in a low voice and hoped the Haijinn’s hearing wasn't extremely good. “I don't think I have to impress upon you, Mr. Spock, the danger of—”

“Quite right, Captain,” Spock's voice cut him off in an equally low tone. “I already took the liberty of locking her out of the more strategic data regarding the Federation. Her interest does appear to be genuinely curious, but it seemed prudent not to take chances. At present, she is studying Terran folklore.”

Both the relief of the stress in his shoulders and the image of a Haijinn reading things like Paul Bunyan made Kirk smile. “What kind of folklore?”

“Fairy tales, Captain.”

Ah, so stories like Rapunzel. Even better.

“Well, carry on, Mr. Spock, and let me know if anything else arises. I'm sure we can entertain the High Priest for another hour or so.”

“Thank you, Captain. I believe Her Eminence will be most pleased. Spock out.”

Kirk flipped the switch on the wall-mounted comm panel and wondered which part of the ship that Mailak and his Entourage might like to see next. The Rec Room, perhaps? That might be diverting enough. Or maybe even a holodeck? Or—

“Captain!” Mr. Scott's excited shout drew Kirk's attention “Would you look at this!? It's like nothing I've ever seen before! I cannae even believe it!” In his outstretched hands was a clear flower that was unfamiliar to Kirk. He decided that it must be something native to the planet below. It was beautiful and dazzling, catching the light and throwing rainbow arcs across the bulkhead.

Mailak shook his head. “A pale comparison,” he sighed, “but the oiimaige has its limits. We cannot create living things by thought alone. It defies nature, and so does not allow for us to do it as we are living creatures ourselves. The Oiim, however… it is the Great Creator, and has made everything we know.”

Kirk nodded, another smile gracing his face. The Haijinn culture must be a fascinating one. What kinds of creation myths did a people who had the power to create things themselves devise to make sense of their universe? He made a note to inform Marlena and ask if she had ever heard anything else about the Haijinn from her contacts back on Earth.

“Real or not, Your Excellency,” Scotty replied with a laugh, “it’s all amazin’ to me!” He held up the flower and turned it in his fingers so that more colors bounced off into boundless arcs.

“Yes, well, if Your Excellency is ready, we can move on with our tour. There are other parts of our ship that you might find—ah—fascinating.”

Look at him, he was starting to sound like Spock.

“Certainly, Captain, though it was our belief that we would soon sit to discuss the merits of trade with your Federation.”

Kirk nodded. “In good time. Mr. Spock had just informed me that Her Emminence, the Southern Priest requested more time in our library. I am nothing if not an accommodating host. We have more to share if you wish to see it.”

Mailak made more high-pitched clicks, his neck swaying forwards and backwards. “Ah, that girl. Always so eager for knowledge. I do hope you will not find it tiresome, Captain Kirk.”

“Not at all, Your Excellency. It’s certainly no trouble.”

An hour later and Kirk, along with Mailak and his people were gathered in Briefing Room Two, with no sign of Spock and the Southern Priest. He seated Mailak and his most important attendants and served everyone replicated refreshments (that the Haijinns all found rather amusing) but nearly twenty minutes later, there was still no sign of his first officer, nor any word from him at all. The unusual behavior from Spock was making Kirk as anxious as he was getting cross.

Mialak blinked his large eyes at Kirk and swayed his head. “You must not be so angry, Captain. This is just like Eimmeel. She can hardly be torn from her studies. It’s what makes her such a serviceable chronicler and devotee to Oiim.”

Kirk made a mental note to add ‘emotional telepathy’ to the list of the Haijinn’s already formidable range of traits. But maybe, he was just being obvious, with his knee bouncing and his hand cupping his chin as he leaned on the table. He quit all these actions and sat up with a shake of his head. “It’s not like Commander Spock to be so late. My first officer is also stubborn, Your Excellency, so I’m sure he and Her Emminence would have figured something out by now.”

And Spock hadn’t even comm-ed him… It was highly unusual.

“Or, Captain, they are locked together in a battle of wills and we will be here all day if we wait for them to arrive.” Mailak did his strange impersonation of a smile but Kirk felt far from better.

Kirk swore that the reprimand Commander Spock was going to receive from him would be legendary…

He reached forward and flipped the switch for the intercom laid into the meeting table. “Kirk to Spock.” His voice sounded brusque, even to him. “Commander Spock, come in.”

But the line remained dead. There was no answer from any comm anywhere on the ship.

Kirk pressed a button on the interface that linked him to the bridge directly. “Uhura, is there any problem with the ship’s intercom systems?”

He knew that there wasn’t, but Kirk wanted a record of his attempt at troubleshooting before he disciplined Spock.

Lieutenant Uhura’s voice came in over the speaker, confident and clear, “No, sir. No communications malfunctions of any kind.”

So, Spock was purposefully ignoring him then. Just perfect. “Thank you, Lieutenant, that’s all. Sulu, find Commander Spock using a ship-wide scan. Then connect me a direct line to him.”

Both Uhura and Sulu answered with sharp, “Yes, sir”s.

Kirk’s fingers drummed on the table. In all the first contacts that they had overseen together, all of their separately given tours, Spock had never been so…thoughtless. Spock, who arrived twenty minutes early for every shift, suddenly late to a meeting without any warning? It didn’t add up. And something in Kirk’s gut was making him uncomfortable. A bad feeling. Bones might have agreed with him, but Spock would have reminded him that his feelings had no influence on the possible outcome of events. They couldn’t tell him one thing or another. Spock would remind him that Kirk couldn’t make any assumptions without all the facts. And the only fact that he had was that his First Officer had not appeared when he was supposed to, and that was out-of-character.

“Captain, we really can proceed. Eimmeel’s presence here as record-keeper was merely a precautionary measure. There is nothing she knows that I do not.”

Kirk listened but didn’t respond—How to explain that his desire to find Spock was more on principle now? —when Sulu’s voice cracked over the speaker. “Er…Sir? Commander Spock is…not on the ship, sir.”

His eyes drew sharply to the intercom as though Kirk could see Sulu’s face through it and intimidate him into telling the truth. “What do you mean, ‘not on the ship’? Have there been any unauthorized shuttle launches?”

“That was the first thing I checked, sir.”

“Unauthorized transports?”

“Negative, sir. There have been no unauthorized functions of any kind. Ship’s log places the Commander’s last known location in the computer library facility.”

The last place Kirk knew him to be…

He glanced up at Mailak, who looked just as shocked as Kirk was (so far as he could tell). The High Priest leaned over to the Haijinn on his left and spoke quickly to them in sharp tones. They spoke so fast that the Universal Translator couldn’t catch any of it.

Convenient, Kirk found himself thinking, but quickly reigned in any suspicious lines of thought until he had more information.

Mailak stretched his neck to the ceiling and pressed his hands into the base of his throat, one folded over the other. A low humming filled the room.

“Captain, what—”

“Just a moment, Sulu,” Kirk ordered, watching the High Priest with rapt attention.

A heartbeat later, Mailak resumed his normal posture, although the humming hadn’t completely left the small space. Kirk thought he could still feel the ghost of rumbling echoing on his skin.

“Eimmeel is still where your crewman says, Captain,” Mailak said. “She has not moved for much of the duration of our visit.”

Kirk’s eyebrow raised. “And…Spock?”

“Him, I cannot find. He is not a part of the Oiim,” the High Priest replied, rocking his head forwards and back.

Understandable, but worth a try.

“If you do not mind the continued delay, Your Excellency,” Kirk said, choosing his words carefully, “I would very much like to find my missing First Officer.”

Mailak’s head swayed. “Of course, Captain. The Haijinn will assist you in any way we can.”

Kirk rose from his seat in a fluid motion when he heard Sulu again. “Orders, Captain? Shall I send a security team?”

He had almost forgotten the intercom was still on. It was strangely thoughtless of him.

“No need,” yet, Kirk added mentally. “Maintain orbit and communication with the planet. We will speak to Her Emminence, the Southern Priest. I’m sure she will know what happened to Commander Spock and this will all be sorted in short order. Kirk out.”

And if not, Kirk would lock down the ship, and report the Haijjin’s malicious intent upon the Enterprise, and let them deal with the fallout of it.

While the library computer could be accessed from nearly any terminal on the Enterpise, they still maintained a specific room for those crewman who wished to research outside of their quarters or the usual terminals located at every work station. The room was lined on three walls by data banks with glowing lights, while the last wall opened to the exterior hull, allowing a spectacular view of the planet in orbit down below, the yellow pinprick of the system’s sun in the distance, and the spattering of far distant stars in inky space. It was a semi dim room, opting for personal lamps at the worktables instead of overhead lighting, to suit each individual’s need.

There was only a single occupant in the room when Kirk stepped over the threshold. Seated at one of these worktables, her personal light switched on, illuminating a scattering of colorful isolinear chips all around her, was another splendidly robed Haijinn.

The Southern Priest, Kirk assumed, was larger than all her male counterparts. Her skin was lighter and more wrinkled than Mailak’s and Kirk couldn’t tell if that was age or merely a variation in sex, because he realized, upon seeing her alone, she was the only female Haijinn to have come aboard.

Maybe not anything worth noting, but Kirk noted the discrepancy all the same.

Mailak brushed past Kirk and approached Eimmeel in the Haijinn version of a huff. He was already clicking before he had made it halfway to her. “What is the meaning of this, Eimmeel? What are you still doing here? You and Commander Spock were supposed to have been at the meeting place already!”

Eimmeel’s long furrowed neck raised from her terminal, and she swung her orange gaze upon her intruders, although she appeared to look through them as if she didn’t quite see them.

Kirk strode forward as well, his eyes searching for any sign of the Vulcan among the tables or data banks. The fact that he found nothing churned unease heavy in his stomach.

She blinked and then spoke in a much higher and clearer voice than Kirk had expected given all her wrinkles. She said, “Has it been a ‘Standard Hour’ already? Time for these outsiders flows so quickly. How do they ever have time to write all these stories?”

“Your Eminence,” Kirk began, fighting to keep his voice even, “where is First Officer Spock? I…must speak with him.”

He couldn’t help continuing to let his eyes rove around, trying to probe the shadows for any sign of Spock. Kirk felt his heart race as panic began to grip his chest. The ship thinks he isn’t here, and if no one left on a shuttle or was transported, that could only mean—

Kirk didn’t dare finish his thought.

The Southern Priest turned her gaze on Kirk as if she had only just realized he was there, then her neck swung around in several directions. Like a bird looking at something past their beak. “He was only just here…” she muttered. “Where could he have gotten off to?” Then she swung her face back to Kirk and said something that chilled him to his bones: “You had better not let anyone else come inside, Captain. And mind where you put your feet. Until we find him.”

Mind his…feet…?

Mailak placed his hands at his throat again and rocked his entire body back and forth. “Oiim al’mak teek. What have you done now, Eimmeel?”

Ice froze in Kirk’s veins as he looked around him. His eyes began scanning the floor now. His hands curled into fists. But he could not afford to lose his temper. He could not afford to jeopardize the mission or his duty as Captain but oh, the things he wished he could do about now!

And Spock! What in the hell had this woman done to Spock?

Kirk took tentative steps forward, now almost too scared to move, as Mailak uttered a long series of high pitched clicks and words that were too fast for his Universal Translator to decipher. This time, Kirk didn’t care.

He bent forward and peered beneath the nearest table.

Oh, god, Kirk didn’t even know what he was looking for! A body? Or something worse?

"Ribbit!"

His head snapped up. Mailak fell silent.

That couldn’t have been a…

"GrrrIBBIT!"

Kirk leaped to his feet and followed the bellowing sounds of a frog—of all the things on his ship!

“RrriBBIT, ribbit, grrrrRIBBET!”

Close to the window, Kirk found it: a mottled green and brown bullfrog the size of his hands and… with dark, knowledgeable eyes…

“Ribbit!” the frog’s throat expanded to reveal brilliant green skin as it…ribbit-ed at Kirk.

Open-mouthed, he looked back at the Haijinn priests.

Eimmeel waved a hand and emitted her gleeful high-pitched whine. “Ah! There he is!”

Kirk looked back down at…Spock, the bullfrog, who ribbit-ed again, indolently.

“Now, with all due respect, Your Eminence,” Kirk really had to focus in order to remember that he needed to attach the Southern Priest’s diplomatic title when he spoke to her, especially when all he wanted to do was rage, “I do not think I am being particularly unreasonable with my request to restore my first officer to his proper species, however, I am starting to think that you are being purposefully unhelpful.” Without thinking, Kirk waved Spock the Frog around as he spoke, his little limbs rather comically swinging through the air.

“Ribbit,” croaked Spock the Frog dolefully, punctuating Kirk’s final word with a poignant sense of irony.

With Mailak’s help, Kirk had been able to wrestle Eimmeel from the library computer room, though not without her grabbing a handful of isolinear chips as she left. Not knowing what else to do, Kirk had scooped Spock the Frog up in his hands and comm-ed Bones to come straight away the second they had made it back to Briefing Room Two.

The Southern Priest blinked her large pupil-less orange eyes at him. “I’m sorry, Captain, but I cannot. I cannot disrupt the oiimaige from its intent once it has been woven.”

The High Priest made several sharp, agitated movements in his chair beside her. He asked her, “Why would you do this to another being at all, Eimmeel? We were their guests! The Federation has only just arrived—”

“You did not read their stories, Your Excellency. I thought it was a gift. I did not think it would be so difficult for them to change him back themselves!”

Kirk’s brow furrowed and he bit his lip to keep from screaming out of sheer frustration. “Our people are not like yours,” he said to her when he had more control. “We can’t just… wish for something to happen and then it happens! Where did you get the impression that we could restore Mr. Spock by ourselves?”

Back and forth went the Southern Priest’s head. “From all your wonderful stories, of course!”

“They’re fairy tales!” Kirk ground out from behind his clenched teeth.

“Ribbit.”

Ever with the best timing, the door slid open and Bones strode into the room with a medical kit and a tricorder slung over his shoulder.

“Now, Jim, I’m not sure what all the fuss was about, but you sounded nothing short of hysterical over the—” His eyes fell on the frog still clenched in Kirk’s hand. “Funny. I didn’t think they made those on other planets. Are we having a grade-school dissection, then?”

Kirk clutched Spock the Frog to his chest and held him away from Bones reflexively. “I should hope not. Doctor, this…this… frog is Spock. They… Her Eminence, the Southern Priest, has turned Spock into a frog!”

Bones raised his eyebrow and glanced over at the fretting High Priest, speaking to his counterpart in low tones. “Why in the world would Her Eminence do that?”

“Good question.” Kirk held Spock out to Bones. “Just take him and look after him until we can figure this out.”

Wrinkling his nose some, Bones took the wand from his tricorder and reached for Spock with his free hand, and began scanning him. “Seems fine, Jim," he announced. "Perfectly healthy.”

“Perfectly healthy,” Kirk echoed with a shake of his head. “For a Vulcan or a bullfrog?”

“One and the same now, I think,” Bone replied, holding Spock up with a smile as he replaced his wand.

“Just…take care of him. And try not to seem too happy about it. And, uh, don’t let him…dry…out…” Kirk shrugged and went to wipe his face with his hand—before he remembered it was covered in frog mucus. He wiped them on the front of his pants instead.

“Don’t you worry, Jim. I think I’ve got a nice little terrarium with plenty of water to swim in and some pond scum to eat. I'll keep him away fro the flies. That'll just give him indigestion.”

“Bones…”

“You’ll figure it out, Jim,” his friend told him in a low, soothing voice, clapping him on the shoulder. “You always do.”

“Ribbit,” Spock agreed.

Grinning, Bones held Spock the Frog up to their faces. “Do it for him, will you?”

Kirk shook his head. “Won’t you try to treat him with a little respect?”

“’Course! Wouldn’t dream of doing anything less.” Bones then turned to their guests and bowed to each in turn. “Your Excellency. Your Eminence.”

The Haijinns looked up at Bones and clicked distractedly.

“Now, one more time—” Kirk began with a sigh as soon as the doors had hissed closed behind Bones.

Mailak stood. He looked, for the first time, deflated, like a tiny creature wearing too many clothes that didn’t fit him. “Captain,” he crooned, “while regrettable, it is as Eimmeel has said. There is nothing we can do to undo the oiimaige once its intent has been sealed by the Oiim. I am sorry.”

Kirk waved him away and leaned forward onto the table, not yet ready to believe what he was saying. “There were some words that aren’t translating. I don’t want to misunderstand. Can you explain—”

“When my people create something, we must define certain…parameters around our creations. A set of rules that can cause our will to exist in the physical plane. Once something has been created within the confines that we set, it cannot simply be undone unless the creator has made specific rules to do so. We cannot help your first officer. Our interference was not woven into the fabric of the reality of his transformation. I am sorry, Captain.” And he did look sorry, for whatever that was worth.

Which was very little to Kirk in this particular moment.

He tapped his finger on the table.

They couldn’t change Spock back because of some law of physics around their powers and how they connected to it, that much he understood. He hated to hear it, but he refused to believe there weren’t other avenues to de-frog Spock.

Someone had to have the technology or the ability. Kirk just had to find them.

“I can’t very well have an amphibious first officer,” Kirk sighed. “And what do you think I should tell his family? There has got to be another way and…you are the only ones that can help me find it. Please. No one else in the galaxy will know your Oiim the way that you do.”

The Southern Priest bobbed forward and chittered excitedly. “But I did factor in the parameters to change him back, Captain,” the translator recited her words through its speakers.

Kirk hardly dared to hope. “Great. How?”

“I was inspired by all your stories!”

“Our…fairy tales. Yes, you’ve said that. But, how does that help Spock?”

“You have to change him back like in the story!”

Dread trickled into Kirk’s chest and made it difficult to breathe. Which story? There were thousands—no, millions—of possibilities. He was already calculating how long it might take for him to search the computer terminal where the Southern Priest had sat and attempt to decipher which story had inspired her.

He didn’t need Spock’s computer-like brain to know that would take too long.

“Forgive me, but, you’ll have to be more specific,” he said hoarsely.

Eimmeel turned sharply to the pile of isolinear chips beside her and picked through them until she produced a blue one. Kirk took the proffered chip, and glancing at her, slid it into the slot beneath the table.

An image appeared on all the triangular screens. It was the title page of a very old and well-worn Earth book. An illustration of a violently green frog gazed demurely at them from a lilypad. The gilded golden lettering over the cover read: The Frog Prince.

Kirk blinked. He really had no idea what to say.

But Eimmeel rocked back and forth with obvious excitement. “A gift!” she squealed. “So many of your stories are centered on true love. I asked Commander Spock if he had ever known it and he replied that his kind do not love. I felt so sorry for him. The stories all made it sound so beautiful and fulfilling. I thought, that if he became the frog in the story, then he could find his true love and become whole! True love's kiss will turn him back!”

So many thoughts rushed through his mind but Kirk was stunned into silence. True love’s kiss? For Spock?

Oh, god…

Kirk was going to have to inform Sarek that his son would be a frog forever.

After profuse apologies on both sides and a joint promise to reconvene to discuss trade relations at a later time, Kirk had seen all the Haijiin transported off the Enterprise—good riddance—and half-sprinted to sickbay.

He was out of breath with a small stitch in his side when the doors slid open to reveal rows and rows of unoccupied biobeds beneath bright overhead lights. Kirk nodded at Nurse Chapel and continued straight into Bones’ office in the center of the room.

“How is he?” Kirk asked as soon as he entered.

His friend looked up from his PADD and glanced back at a glass terrarium on the wall behind him. Within sat Spock the Frog, half-submerged in water, half sitting on a raised flat stone. He croaked, his throat expanding briefly… and then licked his left eye with his long pink tongue.

Kirk sighed.

“Never did understand a single word he said, Jim, but we do always have a mighty fine time,” Bones said with a smile.

Kirk stared blankly down at the doctor. “Glad you’re so enjoying yourself,” he said dryly.

“It’s not so ter-ribbit-able.”

“Leonard, please!” Kirk cried, throwing himself into the chair sitting across from Bones’ desk. He propped his elbows on his knees and let his head fall into his hands.

“Oh, come on, Jim. I’ve spent the last hour thinking up a whole plethora of frog puns!”

“I don’t want to hear them.”

“Well,” his friend replied, chewing on the inside of his lip as he turned his attention back to his PADD, “your loss, then.”

“What am I going to do?”

“They say anything about how to turn him back?”

“Apparently, it’s all linked to that ancient story, The Frog Prince. They said ‘true love’s kiss’ would turn Spock back into a Vulcan.”

Bones looked up at him, his eyebrow arched. “That so…?” he murmured thoughtfully.

“I know!” Kirk cried. Unable to contain his restless energy anymore, he leaped from the chair and started pacing the small transparent aluminum-enclosed room. “Does such a thing even exist for a Vulcan? True love doesn’t even really exist for Humans, and we’re the idiots who made the damn thing up!”

“You need to take a deep breath, Jim,” Bones sighed, laying his PADD aside and interlacing his fingers over his stomach as he leaned back in his chair. “Why don’t you think about it logically?”

“Ribbit!”

Bones grinned and stuck his thumb out over his shoulder. “See? Spock agrees with me.”

Kirk thought Bones was taking the entire thing too lightly— making jokes at Spock’s expense, sticking him in a terrarium, and now trying to tell him to relax. He was about this close to exploding on his friend.

“Is there anything you can do?” Kirk asked instead. “Anything in some medical file or—”

“That’ll undo magic? No. Can’t say that I’ve found anything like that.”

“It’s not magic, Leonard, it’s—”

“I know what it is, Jim,” Bones raised his voice over Kirk’s and the tone surprised him out of pacing. “It’s far too advanced for anything we have in the Starfleet medical database and it’s like nothing that I’ve ever heard of, besides in tales about evil witches. What do you expect me to do? I can’t turn a frog into a Vulcan through medical science—it’s simply not possible! The only option we have is to follow their directions. If we need ‘true love’s kiss,’ then that’s what we need. You need to think logically and figure out what you should do next.”

But Kirk was flummoxed. He had no idea what to do next. Spock never loved anyone. ‘True love’ wasn’t something that he thought any Vulcan would be familiar with.

Unless the definition of ‘true love’ could be broadened somehow…

Bones broke Kirk’s train of thought by speaking softly but with determination. “Think, Jim. Think back to all of Spock’s past actions. I think you’ll find his ‘true love’ there.” He leaned forward, a partial smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “I think you’ll know what you have to do…”

Kirk narrowed his eyes at his friend. “You’ve already got an idea, haven’t you? Well, out with it, then.”

Shrugging, Bones leaned back into his chair and picked up his PADD again. “Just a theory, really. I’d rather you come to the same conclusion yourself. If I tell you, well, then that’s just too easy. After all, the frog prince had to convince his princess to kiss him, didn’t he?”

“Ribbit!”

“You’re incorrigible,” Kirk told him, rapping his knuckles on Bones’ desk. He decided not to call his friend’s bluff because Kirk didn’t need his help. Kirk already had his own idea of what he needed to do. He just hoped that it would work.

Nerves bunched up in Kirk’s stomach long before the lovely face of a grey-haired Human woman appeared on the screen on his personal communications terminal in his Captain’s Quarters. A thousand explanations had run through his mind, but in the end, he’d decided that saying as little as possible would probably be the best course of action. After all, no mother wanted to hear that their only son had been cursed into a frog.

“Captain Kirk,” Amanda Greyson greeted with a bright smile. “This is a most unusual but welcome surprise.”

Kirk smiled back, but it only went skin deep. “Hello again, Lady Ambassador. I hope I did not disturb you.”

“Oh, no. It’s quite alright, Captain,” she replied with a wave of her dainty hand. “The Ambassador is resting and I was happy to take your call in his stead. Tell me, how is Spock?”

Kirk’s gut wrenched painfully. “Doing well,” he lied. “Busy…with the First Contact we are delegating.”

“How just like him, to be so busy working and miss his mother’s call. He is so like his father.” Her eyes grew unfocused and faraway. Any other time, Kirk might have asked after her. He was quite smitten with Spock’s mother and liked to think the two of them got along quite well.

But he was here for business, not pleasure.

“Lady Ambassador,” Kirk began, tapping his fingers against his chin. He’d rehearsed his question several times over before even making the subspace communication to Vulcan, but that didn’t stop him from being anxious about the questions Amanda might ask back. “I was wondering if you had a way that you could put me in contact with…with T’Pring.”

Even over the video, Kirk could tell that she started. “Spock’s betrothed? Whatever for?”

And here it was. Remember: keep it simple! “I…believe that she might have some…invaluable insight on our current mission.”

Amanda tilted her head, regarding him, and Kirk hoped she wouldn’t ask any more questions. “Doesn’t Starfleet have its own xenoscientists, Captain?” she asked in a calculating voice.

“We do,” he responded too quickly. “However, this race… they have strong telepathic and telekinetic abilities.” An idea occurred to him. “Spock had recommended I attempt to contact her about them. He would have done it himself but…after what happened…he didn’t think she would be as responsive to his call as to mine.”

“So why call me and not ask my son for her communication code?”

Kirk shrugged and a hysterical laugh escaped his lips despite his best effort to contain it. “I just didn’t want to bother him. Besides, I didn’t think about it until it was too late.” Hardly a good excuse, but it might just do the job. “Please,” he continued quickly, leaning forward and batting his eyes, “will you help me?”

She was silent a few moments more, with a crease between her eyes and then she sighed. “I can connect you to her, but I’ll make no promises about her responsiveness.”

“Wonderful!” Kirk released the breath he had been holding. Relief blossomed in his chest as he smiled. “I greatly appreciate it, Lady Ambassador.”

“Of course, Captain,” Amanda replied offhandedly as she pressed a series of buttons Kirk couldn’t see. “But, James?”

“Yes?”

Her eyes flashed. “I do hope you will tell me the truth the next time you call for a favor.”

“I—” he choked.

But Amanda had transferred his video. Only a series of Vulcan words remained in her place.

T’Pring had not answered. Kirk left her a message detailing their predicament as best as he could, but he didn’t really believe that she would return his communication. Something in his heart told him she wouldn’t, anyway.

He rubbed his face in his hands and tried to think of another logical thing to do.

How to find Spock’s ‘true love’s kiss’ and change him back? There was nothing he could think of because Spock didn’t actually love anybody. It wasn’t in his nature! He had said so himself over and over again.

Briefly, Kirk considered calling Amanda back in the hopes that a mother’s love would be considered ‘true’ enough to do the trick, but he immediately dismissed it. Not only did the original story not use such a loophole, but it would never matter how much Amanda loved Spock. That wasn’t how he remembered the story going.

Spock had to love the person who kissed him, in order to break the spell.

So who in this wide, wide Universe did Spock love?

Kirk dropped his hands to his desk and shook his head. He was about ready to hang up a sign on the sickbay doors and make it a free for all. Any woman willing! Come, line up to kiss a frog!

With a deep sigh, he decided to slouch his way back to sickbay. Maybe he could convince Bones to tell him his secret theory.

“Back again, I see,” Bones greeted the second Kirk was through his door. He glanced up from the biobed whose control panel was in pieces in front of him. When Kirk threw him a questioning look, Bones answered, “Just some software updates. Routine things, you know. You find what you were looking for?”

Kirk narrowed his eyes as he stepped closer, about to give the other man a piece of his mind, but he was interrupted by Uhura’s voice coming from the intercom.

“Lieutenant Uhura to Captain Kirk. Incoming subspace message from Vulcan, sir. Priority One.”

Grinning, Kirk grasped Bones’ arms and shook him gently. He didn’t bother explaining, despite Bones’ look of confusion. He bounded to the intercom on the sickbay wall and smashed the button.

“Go ahead and patch it into Doctor McCoy’s office. I’ll take it there.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Jim! You can’t just go and commandeer a man’s computer console—”

“Ah, yes I can,” Kirk sang, wagging his finger at Bones as he strode away and into his office, “because I’m the captain.”

He sat at the terminal, nervously ran his hand through his hair, carefully wiped the smile from his lips, and punched the accept button on the side of the screen.

T’Pring, as regal and unaffected as he remembered her to be, appeared on the monitor.

From somewhere behind him, he thought he heard Bones swear.

Kirk held up his hand in a Vulcan salute and T’Pring returned it. Though, somewhat begrudgingly, he noted.

“Thank you for answering my communication, T’Pring. I hope you are well?”

If possible, the hard line of her mouth deepened. “Save me the Human frivolities, Captain. I am uncertain that I understood your request. I require more clarification from you.”

“Well, you see, Spock is—”

“A Terran amphibian.”

“Er. Yes. And we need for you to—”

“I do not understand what the merits of ‘kissing’ would be.”

Kirk gulped. Somehow, he hadn’t anticipated T’Pring to be so… uncooperative. Thinking back to the way she acted on Vulcan, it was a wonder that he ever thought this would work.

“Its merit is that ‘kissing’ Spock in his present state appears to be the only way to turn him back into his regular self. I said that to you already in my message,” he said, staring hard at the screen, willing her to understand.

“And why should I kiss him?”

He had gone over this too, but Kirk drew a long breath and willed himself to remain calm and not let the hysteria that threatened to engulf him edge into his voice. “You…were betrothed to him. Surely there is some residual—” Not 'feelings', because she was Vulcan and Kirk didn’t want to offend his only hope of getting Spock back. Kirk wracked his brain for a different word. “—affection, that stems from that connection. Enough, to turn him back into himself.”

T’Pring raised a lovely slanted eyebrow and ‘harumf’ed so sharply that Kirk could have almost mistaken it for a laugh. “There was hardly affection when we saw each other last, and there certainly is none now. I am not the savior you seek, Captain Kirk.”

Kirk couldn’t help it. His face fell. His shoulders caved forward into his chest.

“Frankly, I am astounded that you contacted me at all—” She looked away for a brief moment, collecting herself. “—given your display in the ancestral sands.”

His eyebrows knit. What was that supposed to mean?

Behind him, Kirk heard Bones groan.

“I…” Kirk blinked, shook his head, and tried again, “I-I-I don’t believe I understand your meaning, T’Pring.”

She scowled. “It is not for me to say,” she responded roughly. “I cannot help you in this.”

A second later, her display darkened.

“Sir,” came Uhura’s voice, “I’ve lost the communication to Vulcan. Should I attempt to re-establish—”

“No, Lieutenant,” Kirk sighed. “Thank you.”

That was it. There were no more options. There was nothing else that Kirk could think of to help Spock. This was it! The end!

And now Spock would remain a frog for the rest of his life.

Would he have a frog lifespan or a Vulcan lifespan?

Kirk didn’t want to think about it—his friend trapped in a tiny frog body for another hundred years… What kind of life would that be?

“Are you finished making a damn fool of yourself?” Bones exclaimed so suddenly that Kirk jumped in his seat.

He turned to look up at his friend, confused. “What?”

“All this nonsense about affection—T’Pring was right! She can’t help you! I didn’t think you’d be fool enough to call her, of all people.”

Kirk’s mouth worked but no sound came out in the face of Bones’ icy stare. “W-well, now, see here, Bones—”

“No, you see here! I tried leading you to the obvious answer. I tried tellin’ ya to think back to Spock’s past actions and you thought of T’Pring? Lord in high heaven, have mercy. You’re more hopeless than I thought!”

Bones stomped past Kirk to Spock’s terrarium. He reached in and unceremoniously plucked Spock from his large, flat stone with a soft squelch then brought him back to Kirk. He watched Bones with his mouth open as his friend adjusted his grip and then held Spock the Frog out to him.

“Pucker up.”

“Are you out of your mind, Leonard McCoy?!”

“Kiss. The DAMN. Frog. Jim.”

He shook his head. Bones was crazy. This was his big theory? It was never going to work!

Softly, Spock croaked, and Kirk looked at him longingly. If only it could have been true, but Spock didn’t love him. They were friends, maybe. A team, definitely. There was no one else in the universe that Kirk trusted more, but…

No, it was impossible.

He looked up straight into Bones’ eyes. “You’re crazy.”

“Am I?” Bones replied softly. “Who did he trust with his greatest secret when he was starting to go through that Pon Farr? Who helped you identify your vicious half from your good half, and who brought the two of you together?”

Kirk shook his head.

“Who insisted you were innocent, even when Commodore Stone had all the evidence against you? Who pushed you out of the way and took those poisonous flower darts for you, for christ’s sake?”

“Yes, you’ve made your point, Bones…”

But he didn’t stop. “What did you say Spock told you when that infection from Psi 2000 ravaged the ship?”

“Ribbit.”

Kirk shook his head, but he remembered the words as plainly as if they were yesterday. “When I feel friendship for you, I…I’m ashamed.”

“Yes, Jim. Now, what do you think the only logical reason for a Vulcan to feel something like shame could be?”

“It’s not going to work,” Kirk sighed, but something new rose sharply in his chest. A question he hardly dared to dwell on.

But what if it did?

“So? Will you kiss the frog now? Or do you want to take him out to dinner first?”

He shook his head again, but Kirk held out his hands. Bones carefully placed Spock in them and took several steps back. He looked excited. Kirk glanced up at him, still doubtful.

But what if?

His heart raced.

What did kissing a frog feel like, anyway? Would kissing Spock’s wet cheek be enough?

Spock adjusted his delicate legs and nestled snugly into the palms of Kirk’s hands. “Ribbit,” he croaked quietly.

Kirk lifted Spock up to his eye level. He could almost believe the Vulcan had retained all his intelligence, and he knew what was about to happen. His gaze looked soulful and longing. It was much the same sort of expression that Kirk had caught a time or two on the bridge. Always when Spock thought he was too busy to notice.

But he had noticed, Kirk had just convinced himself that it was nothing.

True love’s kiss…

Would Spock really change back? For him?

“Ribbit.” Get on with it, he seemed to say. It is illogical to waiver when there are no other avenues open to you.

Kirk took a steadying breath through his nose—

—and raised Spock’s little frog lips to his own.

Heat tingled and blossomed between them. If the sun could be contained within a being, then Kirk thought that this was what that might have felt like. Kirk couldn’t pull away, even if he had wanted to.

The air crackled and swirled around them. The frog he had known to be in his hands grew larger and larger, expanding until a heavy weight settled comfortably in his lap, his hands laying on either side of it.

Kirk couldn’t hear anything outside of the roaring in his blood. He was overwhelmed by the sensation in his lips, in the pressure there, and in the soft caress of a nose against his cheek.

Spock pulled away, but Kirk didn’t want to open his eyes.

The weight in his lap, the mass in his arms… it had to have worked… but he was terrified that if he opened his eyes, the spell would be broken.

This spell, the spell of the true love that Kirk had kept himself from dreaming of.

“Captain,” Spock’s deep voice reverberated through his body from where they touched. Almost a purr.

Kirk allowed his eyes to flutter open and he found exactly what he’d always wanted: Spock, close to his face, his hands resting on Kirk’s chest, with his head tilted and the forbidden ghost of a smile on the edge of his lips.

Kirk wanted very badly, very suddenly, to kiss him again.

Bones grunted and had an obnoxious coughing fit, drawing both of their attentions.

“Now, we are all very glad that Spock is Spock again, and I will tell you that I told you for the rest of your life, but if you two are going to keep canoodling like that, you need to find a different room to do it in.”

Spock shook his head. “Doctor, after my dubious treatment at your hands, I believe that ‘you owe me.’”

Bones spluttered. “Dubious!? I didn’t feed you flies, did I? Get out of my office before I make you wish you were still a frog!”

#trekbingo2020 #Star Trek #TOS #Spirk #Star Trek: TOS #The Original Series #Jim Kirk #Mr. Spock #Bones #Fiend writes

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per-ineptia-ad-astra · 5 years

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Star Trek Gold Key #25: Dwarf Planet

Happy New Year everyone!

Next episode still isn’t coming until the seventh, but while I was re-organizing my excessive amount of books I came across something and thought, hey, this might make for a fun holiday treat. Besides, I felt bad leaving you guys on a cliffhanger for so long.

So this...

[ID: A photograph of a copy of Star Trek The Key Collection: Volume 4, with a cover showing Kirk, Spock and McCoy against a background of stars, with Sulu and Scotty in insets.]

...this is one of my Gold Key comic collections.

The Gold Key comics were the first Star Trek comics ever made, running for sixty-one issues from 1969-1979. What I have here are volumes three and four of a five-book collection of the comics put out back in 2004-2006, which actually only goes up to #43—the last two books were planned but never published.

Myself, I first found volume four here at a used bookstore not too long after I had first gotten into Star Trek. (I found volume three at another store quite awhile later. I apologize for not starting at the beginning here, but this is what I have. There’s no continuity anyway so don’t worry about that.) I was very much not prepared for what I was about to find inside.

For the thing about these comics is that they are incredibly and hilariously bad. The plots themselves wouldn’t always be out of place for Trek, but the combo of dodgy art, weird dialogue, and overall off-ness that gives the sense that the writers were working off a Wikipedia article about Star Trek instead of ever actually having seen the show, all adds up to a final product that doesn’t resemble Star Trek so much as a weird fever-dream version of Star Trek from an alternate dimension.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look.

[Image Description: A comic splash page titled STAR TREK: DWARF PLANET Part 1 showing Scotty, wearing a blue and white polka-dot loincloth, throwing rocks at a slimy green thing while saying, “What kind o’way is this for a lad like me to be dyin’--trampled by a hairy-legged—MICROBE!” The narration box at the top of the page says “Come along with the crew of the starship Enterprise as they race to solve the mystery of a world in which all life is rapidly shrinking to—oblivion!”]

Our issue for today, Dwarf Planet, opens with a splash page of Scotty in a spotted loincloth throwing rocks at a microbe, which I think gives you a pretty good idea of what we’re in for here.

[ID: A dark green Enterprise shuttle, landing on an empty airfield with a green field in the distance. The narration box reads, “Captain’s Log, Star Date 19:24:8—Lt. Uhura, Chief Comm-officer, has detected intelligent radio signals from the little explored area of space, sector 199-D!” Inside the ship Kirk is saying, “You were right, Lt. Uhura! There is advanced life on this planet! Mr. Spock and I will investigate!” while Uhura says, “With the captain’s permission, I’d like to accompany you!”]

The story itself, however, begins with an Enterprise shuttle—newly painted green, apparently—landing on this planet to investigate some intelligent radio signals. I don’t know why Uhura waited until they actually got down to the planet surface before asking if she could come with.

Anyway, they find a fully-built city, but it’s completely deserted, no one around. The only living thing are some bushes that turn out, upon closer examination, to actually be miniature trees. Kirk thinks this is weird, which is a bit judgmental of him. Maybe people on this planet just like their bonsai.

The mystery deepens when they find another city within a mile of the first—also abandoned, and much smaller than the first one. And I don’t mean smaller in terms of zoning. I mean the buildings are about two or three feet tall. Uhura speculates that there may have been multiple intelligent species of different sizes living on the planet, but there’s no sign of any of them now.

Kirk then recommends they split up, gang. He heads off into the countryside, where he finds a tiny rocketship that he assumes is a toy belonging to a child. Except it promptly flies off and returns with a bunch more ships, which trap Kirk with a net. He helpfully narrates all this as it’s happening.

[ID: A page of four panels showing Kirk being surrounded by small rockets which are firing weighted ropes at him, slowly driving him to the ground. First panel: “They’ve opened fire! Shooting heavy stranded wire!” Second panel: “They’re forming a net over me! I’m being captured by a pack of toy rockets!” Third panel: “Can’t break these things! And they’re pulling me down! ARRRRGGGGH!” Fourth panel: “One of them is landing! If I could only get my hands on the child who’s controlling these fantastic toys!”]

Thanks Kirk.

It’s not until the rockets land and open that Kirk finally realizes they’re not toys being operated by a child, but real miniature rockets being flown by tiny people, who shoot Kirk in the face with some paralyzing gas before he can get a message out over the communicator. One of the tiny people—speaking through an unexplained device on his forehead—introduces himself as General Kwy. I have no idea how to pronounce that.

[ID: Two panels showing Kirk laying on the ground while a small bald man in a red tunic and black pants stands on his chest. In the first panel he is saying, “You would like to say ‘I come to planet Kujal in peace! Why do you treat me so?’ Because you are a giant! And where one has come, others will follow!” In the second panel he says, “My people will become slaves to yours! Household pets or worse—sideshow freaks! Not while I live, giant! Never!”]

General Kwy has some weirdly detailed predictions about what’s going to happen if his people are discovered by ‘giants’ and he’s not having it. So he brings out a couple cranes to load Kirk onto a board, Gulliver’s Travels style, and has him wheeled off to a third, even smaller, city.

[ID: Kirk laying on a wooden wheeled board in front of a dais covered cloth, where a woman sits on a gold chair next to General Kwy. The general is saying, “Madame President, I’ve brought the giant prisoner mentioned in my report!” Kirk is thinking, “A woman leader! A more advanced world than many!”]

Kirk is brought in front of Madame President, which Kirk reminds us is So Advanced. Madame President is a little nicer than General Kwy and orders Kirk to be de-paralyzed, but then reveals that Spock and Uhura have been captured also. And stowed under the bunting on the dais. No, I don’t know why.

Madame President lays down some backstory: there was only ever one species of people on the planet, which was once human-sized. They “were a happy world until sudden explosions rocked [their] sun with fantastic intensity.” Don’t you hate it when that happens?

[ID: A panel with a narration box saying, “But, in time, these ceased and life resumed as before! Until, one day...” Below, someone in a gray robe is approaching a woman sitting at an oversized table, talking into a large rotary phone. The person in the robe is saying, “We are growing smaller with every passing day!” The woman is saying, “Yes! It’s true! Others report the same! But why?”]

Yes! It’s true! Others are reporting the same, right now, on my giant rotary phone.

The shrinking kept happening, causing the next generation to have to build an entirely new city, and the next generation to do the same. Eventually they figured out that because of the sun explosions “some new radio waves have caused all living cells to shrink.” Sure. Anyway, looks like now their civilization is doomed because eventually they’re going to shrink out of existence. Bummer.

Uhura points out that the Enterprise could very easily move them all to another planet, but Madame President gives the standard answer for why we can never just use the easy solution, which is “no we love our planet so much we’re all gonna stay here even if it kills us.”

General Kwy wants to have the three of them executed straight away, but Madame President belays that and lets them all go sit and eat tiny food and talk while she figures out what to do with them.

[ID: Spock, Kirk and Uhura sitting among the small buildings eating and talking. Narration: “Later, as crowds watch from a distance...” Uhura: “How could they think of altering their sun even if they had the ships to reach it?” Spock: “Quite impossible! All the harnessed power of the inhabited worlds of the universe could not destroy—or even alter—a star!”]

All that harnessed power of the inhabited worlds couldn’t alter a star! It takes inexplicable space explosions to do that.

Since altering the star is out of the question, Kirk proposes making some kind of antidote or shielding to deal with the shrink rays. But to do that, they’d have to fly close to the sun to gather samples of the rays. I don’t know how you capture samples of radio waves but he seems confident. Little does he know, however, that the general has an “audio-magnifier” trained on the trio to eavesdrop on their plans, because just listening would be too easy.

Madame President is okay with this plan. Suspiciously, so is General Kwy, though he proposes that they leave a hostage to guarantee they don’t just escape. Which doesn’t work super well when the people in question have remote teleportation technology, but he doesn’t know that.

[ID: A very pale-looking Uhura leaning over Madame President and saying, “In that case, Madame President, I volunteer to be the hostage!” Madame President is saying, “I was hoping the woman among you would show that courage! Congratulations, Lieutenant!”]

As a woman, I was hoping the woman among you would show courage! Here on my advanced world, we like it when women show courage. Have I mentioned I’m a woman recently?

Uhura is often—though not always—quite distressingly pale in these comics. With the way it varies I’m not sure whether it was intentional whitewashing or just bad coloring. Or some awful combination of both, maybe.

With Uhura staying behind, Kirk and Spock prepare to leave, although not before General Kwy stops them to give them a container of fruit as a gift. Absolutely no one bothers to check that the box does indeed contain fruit. Surprise! It doesn’t. It contains a couple of stowaway soldiers assigned to sabotage the mission. Because Kwy still thinks the humans want to make slaves of them all. Or something.

Part Two begins with the Enterprise approaching the sun, as Kirk says that they have no way of knowing whether the ship’s anti-radio shielding will stop them all from getting shrunk. That seems like something they should really have made sure of before doing this. Oh well, too late now.

As they get close to the sun, Sulu tries to raise the radio energy analyzer dish—it’s a thing, apparently—but it won’t go up. Apparently there’s a mechanical problem that necessitates someone go outside and unjam the thing. Even in the future, someone still has to occasionally go personally hit things until they work again.

Luckily, Scotty’s on the case, showing up all dressed in special anti-radio foil before Kirk even has a chance to give any orders. Kirk is a little miffed about this since he’s supposed to be the captain and all but Scotty doesn’t have any time for that.

Scotty struggles with the radar dish while everyone stands around watching and making helpful comments.

[ID: Four panels showing Scotty struggling to lift a radar dish on the top of the ship while Kirk, Spock and McCoy watch on a viewscreen. In the first panel, Scotty is thinking, “But it must be doin’ the job—or those rays would be shrinkin’ me already! Now to get the dish up into position! UGGGGGH!” Second panel, Kirk: “It’s jammed all right! Look at him struggling! I wish we could communicate with him!” Spock: “Our radio signals can’t get through that foil, either, of course!” Third panel, narration, as Scotty raises the dish with a ‘whooosh!’ and ‘klang!’: “Finally, with one mighty effort...” Kirk, from offscreen: “He made it! Nice work! Even you have to admit it, Bones!” McCoy, from offscreen: “Why, Captain? He’ll be telling us all about it for months! Ha-ha-ha!” Fourth panel, showing Scotty collapsed on the top of the ship, McCoy: “Hold it! Something’s wrong! He’s collapsed!” Kirk: “Emergency! Break out another foil outergear! I’m going after him!”]

I wasn’t aware that Scotty and Bones had any particular rivalry, but this writer seems to think otherwise.

Anyway, as you can see, Scotty promptly collapses, and since as we know there are only about ten people on the whole Enterprise Kirk has to personally go out after him. Instead of Scotty, though, he finds an empty suit.

[ID: Kirk, wearing a foil spacesuit and holding up another spacesuit, seemingly empty, while McCoy looks on and Spock leans over the suit with his hand to his ear. Kirk: “This is exactly what I found! But how could--” Spock: “Shhhhhh! Listen! Do you hear it?”]

I don’t know why, but that picture of Spock with his hand to his ear is cracking me up.

As you can probably guess if you’ve been paying any amount of attention to anything, Scotty done got shrunk. Apparently the radar dish tore a hole in the protective foil. Don’t design your radar dishes with sharp edges, folks. Since Scotty was so close to the sun at the time, he got a heckton of radiation (that’s a scientific term), so he’s still shrinking. In fact, Spock speculates that Scotty might quickly be reduced to microscopic size, meaning that “the very bacteria in the air will menace him as much as a prehistoric mammoth would us!”

An odd choice of metaphor, but we can’t have Scotty be menaced by mammoth bacteria, so they rig up a sterilized environment for him.

[ID: First panel, Spock and Kirk are looking at a glass dome with a tube going into it. Narration: “Full technical facilities of the starship are put to work on the problem and shortly...” Spock: “Under that dome is a complete antiseptic atmosphere! The ‘breather’ tube circulates sterilized air!” Kirk: “A microbless world! That should do it!” Second panel, McCoy is holding up a miniature Scotty wearing a blue handkerchief around his waist. McCoy: “I’ll say one thing, Scotty—that kerchief looks better wrapped around you than it ever did in my pocket!” Scotty: “And what’ll I be wearin’ next—a speck o’ dust for a fur coat?”]

This one’s for you, Scones shippers. I...guess. (???)

Luckily for Scotty it doesn’t take long to identify the mysterious radio energy, as someone helpfully announces over the intercom.

[ID: First panel, McCoy is standing next to the dome and looking off to side, listening to an announcement from the intercom. Narration: “Painful minutes tick away as Scotty continues shrinking..” Intercom: “Attention! We have identified the mystery radio energy!” McCoy: “Did you hear, Scotty? We’re half-way home!” Second panel, McCoy is looking into the dome, now empty with the handkerchief huddled at the bottom. Narration: “And then the dread moment...” McCoy: “He’s gone! Yet I know he’s still in there—too small for the eye to see!”]

Unluckily for Scotty, the two little soldiers have arrived on the scene, and take the opportunity to fire on the breather tube. McCoy quickly captures them and puts them away in convenient storage box, which is just an empty box with ‘storage’ written on it.

[ID: McCoy putting two miniature soldiers into a box labeled ‘Storage.’ McCoy: “We’ll settle with you later!”]

He seals the tube with a bandage, but it’s too late—down in the land of microbes, a germ has gotten in.

[ID: First panel, Scotty is facing off against a large green eyeless worm-like thing. Scotty: “Glory be! A microscopic monster! Some germ that broke through the sealed system!” Monster: “EEEYAWWWRRRR!” Second panel, the monster lashes out its tongue at Scotty, who narrowly dodges under it. Scotty: “Missed me! But how long can I keep this little dance goin’?” Monster: “UNNGAWWRRR!”]

Sure, that’s what germs look like. Why not.

As promised by the splash page, Scotty has to engage in some germ warfare, using some microscopic dirt boulders that also got in as ammunition. It’s thrilling. Truly.

With the germ monster defeated, Scotty gets retrieved by McCoy, who’s wearing some sweet micro-specs.

[ID: First panel, Scotty is being lifted by a thin pointed silver rod. Scotty: “I’m caught! Feel like a whale being harpooned! No—more like a sardine! But what’s doin’ it?” Second panel, Spock looks on as McCoy, wearing goggles with a giant scope in one eye, lifts the rod. Narration: “And, in the world of ‘giants’...” Spock: “Are you sure you’ve got him, doctor?” McCoy: “Yes! I can see him clearly through these micro-specs! He’s struggling like a demon!”]

They stick him under the newly invented anti-shrink ray, which hasn’t been tested because there’s NO TIME, but it works because of course it does. Everyone’s very happy about this.

[ID: The Enterprise flying away from the sun with a ‘fwooosh!’ while people onboard exclaim “Hurrah!” “Yahoooo!” and “Eeeyowwww!”]

Eeyowwww, indeed.

[ID: First panel, Spock and Kirk watching a small Scotty gesturing. Spock: “Listen! He’s trying to tell us something!” Kirk: “The first report by a human returned from the land of microbes!” Second panel, Scotty: “--I said, ‘Get me some clothes, mon! I’m poppin’ out of this silly thing!” Spock: “Ha-ha-ha!” Kirk: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yes, that’s Spock laughing. I guess “Spock doesn’t laugh” wasn’t covered in the, I’m guessing, three sentence summary of Star Trek that the writers of this had to go on.

Anyway, they go back to the planet and tell Madame President that they’re going to deliver the anti-shrink rays so the population can be restored to proper size, although ‘proper size’ is not the size they’ve been used to being all their lives so one wonders if they really want that, but, eh, who cares. With General Kwy’s treachery exposed, Madame President has concocted a special punishment for him: he’ll be the last one on the whole world returned to full size. That’ll show him.

A happy ending (?), but of course we have to wrap up with something pithy.

[ID: Kirk sitting in the captain’s chair while Scotty and Spock stand nearby. Scotty: “--And I’ll tell you one thing, I’ll never make fun of another man’s size again!” Spock: “Experience is a great teacher!” Kirk: “Teacher? This kind of experience is a full professor!”]

Well, they tried.

#star trek #star trek Gold Key #recap tag #star trek Gold Key recaps #GK 25 Dwarf Planet #GK 25 Dwarf Planet recap

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dailyironfamily · 6 years

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day 26 - sci-fi au

Day twenty-six of the November Fic Challenge is a sci-fi AU! Except I took the easy way and made it a Star Trek AU. Thankfully you don’t need to know anything about Star Trek except what Vulcans are to read this because it’s mostly just relationship drama. You know, the good part of Star Trek.

“Hey, Stark! Your girlfriend’s here to see you!”

Puzzled, Tony crawls out from underneath a control panel to see who Ensign Parker is talking about, because unless something happened he wasn’t aware of, he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Lieutenant T’Pos is standing at attention near the entrance to Engineering, and he sighs and picks himself off the floor, dusting off his uniform as he makes his way over to her.

“Get back to work, Ensign!” he shouts to Parker, who laughs and leans in closer to Ensign Leeds presumably to gossip and not to get back to work.

“Do you need assistance controlling your subordinates, Lieutenant Stark?” the Vulcan standing by the door asks in lieu of a greeting. She doesn’t smile when she sees him, but that’s to be expected.

“I’ve told you a thousand times, Lieutenant, you can call me Tony when I’m off duty.”

“And yet it seems like you are never off duty, sir. Hence why I came looking for you here, instead of your quarters or the mess hall.”

Tony sighs and says, “Right, well, what can I do for you, Pepper?”

Her expression doesn’t change save for the slight furrow of her brow that always appears whenever someone uses that nickname for her. “I was hoping you could help me with a...personal problem.”

Tony blinks in surprise. Pepper never spoke about personal anythings with him, or anyone else, he imagines. “Sure, uh, let’s go somewhere a little more private?”

“Here is adequate,” she says, but lets Tony usher her out of engineering and into a corridor with less people.

“Is something wrong?” he asks once they’re alone.

“Quite the contrary. I require your assistance courting a friend of yours.”

“Courting, like―you want to date?” Tony can’t hide the shock from his voice. He’s known Pepper since they both started on the USS Resilient at the same time all those years ago, and she’d never shown any interest in being romantic with anyone. Much to his disappointment.

“That would be the human word for it, yes. I was hoping you could give me some advice on courting Lieutenant Rhodes.”

That was an even deeper blow than the first. Vulcan-human pairs weren’t absolutely unheard of, and everyone in Starfleet knew of Commander Spock. But Tony had always consoled himself with the assumption that she wasn’t interested in humans, and that was why she hadn’t shown any interest in him. Apparently, she just wasn’t interested in him, period.

“Oh! Yeah, sure,” he says after an awkward pause, realizing she’s waiting for a response. “Rhodey’s amazing, you have great taste. I’m sure he’ll say yes.”

“Lieutenant Rhodes is an excellent helmsman, and very handsome,” she agrees with a nod. “Though I do not think you can guarantee his answer will be a positive one.”

“Nah, come on, you’re amazing too,” Tony says, smile slightly strained. “You’d be perfect together.”

“Thank you, Lieu―Tony,” she corrects herself, giving him a slight bow. “You are an ‘amazing’ person as well.”

Hardly, Tony thinks to himself, but out loud he just says, “You’re off duty now, right? Let’s go get drinks and gossip about Rhodey. We’ll have a plan whipped up in no time.”

Tony spends the evening telling Pepper about the kinds of things Rhodey likes and traditional human methods of courting. She listens to a list of gifts that are considered romantic, a look of consternation on her face.

“Would it not be easier just to tell him my feelings?” she asks when he’s done listing things off.

“Sure, if you want to come on too strong,” he says. “You’ve got to scope him out first, see if he’s interested.”

Pepper continues to frown. “Wouldn’t discovering his interest also be easier if I asked?”

“And scare him off? You guys live on the same ship, Pep, if you make things awkward you can’t just avoid him.”

“I would not just avoid him,” she protests, but she seems to consider his words anyway. “All right. I’ll will test the proverbial waters with some of these methods you’ve explained. Thank you, Tony. I do appreciate the help.”

Tony tries to smile, and knocks back the rest of his drink. “Of course. It’s no problem.”

A couple days later, Rhodey comes up to him as he’s heading back to his room after his shift and says,

“Hey, Tony! You’ve got to come see this.”

Curious, Tony follows him down the hall to his quarters instead, and when Rhodey keys open the door, a startled laugh escapes him. The room is filled with flowers of all colors, on the desk and the shelves and the bed, even some on the floor. Rhodey steps through them to pick up something else from his desk, showing it to Tony.

From a secret admirer, it says, and Tony has to stifle another laugh. Oh no, he hadn’t realized Pepper would go for the most dramatic possible option when he was giving her suggestions.

“Rhodey, you handsome bastard,” he says, punching him lightly in the arm.

“Do you...I mean, any guesses who it’s from?” Rhodey asks him, looking oddly expectant. Why would he assume Tony knew? Aside from the fact that Tony actually does know who his secret admirer is, but Rhodey doesn’t know that.

Tony shrugs and plays dumb. “No clue. Has anyone been trying to get cozy with you lately?”

Rhodey sets the card back down on the desk with a frown. “Not that I’ve noticed.”

Hmm, that’s no good. He’d have to try and get Pepper to ask Rhodey to dinner or something. Even just to grab a cup of coffee.

“I’ll keep an ear out for any gossip,” Tony promises, then lights up as if suddenly thinking up a brilliant idea, “Hey, why don’t you ask Lieutenant T’Pos if she’s heard anything?”

“Is this an ear joke? Because that’s not very nice.”

“What? No! I mean, she’s in communications, you know how those people love to gossip. Maybe she heard something.”

“Pepper doesn’t seem like the gossipy type,” Rhodey says, skeptical.

“Oh, trust me, there’s more there than meets the eye,” Tony says. “It wouldn’t hurt to ask.”

Rhodey doesn’t look entirely convinced, but finally he nods. “Okay, I’ll try. Thanks, Tones.”

“Anytime,” Tony replies, and it almost sounds entirely sincere.

“So when I said replicate him some flowers, I didn’t mean every flower in the database,” Tony tells Pepper the next time he sees her, the two of them alone in an elevator.

“You did not specify which kinds he liked,” Pepper answers, looking at him like it’s entirely his fault. “So I thought, better safe than sorry, as they say.”

“Luckily, I think he found it kind of charming. Maybe just reel it back a little next time?”

She looks thoughtful, then nods. The elevator slides to a stop, and Tony adds quickly before the doors open and he walks out,

“Oh, and I told him to ask you if you heard any related gossip, ask him to get coffee if he does!”

“So Pepper doesn’t know anything about the flowers,” Rhodey tells him that evening. Tony looks up from the datapad he’s reading and tries not to sound too excited as he says,

“Oh? That’s unfortunate.”

“She was really insistent about me drinking coffee, though,” Rhodes says, frowning slightly. “So I gave in and had a cup and she just sort of watched me drink it.”

Tony wants to groan and put his head on the table. He clearly should have been more specific in his instructions. “Probably a Vulcan thing,” he says instead with a shrug.

“Maybe.” Rhodey pushes his food around his plate with his fork, silent for a moment. “Hey, are you sure you don’t know who put those flowers in my room?”

Tony tries not to sound too nervous as he says, “Um, yeah. Why do you ask?”

Rhodey shrugs, setting his fork down. “I just thought, maybe it’s someone in our friend circle?”

Tony stares back down at his datapad so his face doesn’t give anything away. “Oh, maybe. Who do you think it is?” Rhodey doesn’t answer for a long moment, and Tony finally looks up to see what the problem is, but Rhodey’s just staring at him. “Jim? You okay?”

Rhodey finally looks away, breaking his gaze. “Sorry. No, I’ve got no idea. That’s why I’m asking.”

Tony smiles encouragingly, nudging Rhodey’s leg under the table with his foot. “Hey, we’ll figure it out! They’re probably a super babe but are really shy.”

Rhodey laughs and shakes his head, expression brightening a little. “Sure, Tony. You keep telling me that.”

This time Tony tracks down Pepper after her shift is done so they can talk.

“You’re only going to hear me say this once, but you were right and I was wrong.”

Pepper tilts her head slightly. “Why would you only say it once when it is true more often than that?”

“Nope, don’t distract me right now. Flowers and coffee dates aren’t going to work. You should just ask him directly.”

“Would this not be off-putting for a human?” she asks.

Tony sighs. “I think my brilliant plan’s just making Rhodey anxious. I should’ve known, he’s not good with surprises.”

Pepper doesn’t say anything and her expression doesn’t change, and Tony eyes her warily. He nearly jumps, startled, when she finally does speak. “I appreciate the honesty. I will go ask him now.”

“What, now, like, right now?” She’s already turning to walk down the corridor, and Tony follows after her.

“I believe he will be in his quarters at this time,” she says, unperturbed. “Would you please come with me?”

The last thing Tony wants to see is his best friend hooking up with his crush, but Pepper looks expectantly at him, and he just nods and keeps following her.

“Maybe you should slow down, think this out,” he tries as they make their way to the proper deck. “Don’t rush into things.”

“It was your advice that I be direct.”

“Yeah, but my advice has been pretty bad so far.”

“I trust you, Lieutenant. Your advice has come from a place of caring.”

That flusters Tony long enough that he has nothing else to say until they come to a stop in front of Rhodey’s door. Pepper doesn’t hesitate to knock.

When Rhodey answers the door it’s clear he’d been sleeping very recently, but he looks at the pair of them in surprise. “Tony? Lieutenant T’Pos?”

“May we enter?” Pepper asks, and Rhodey looks over at Tony, confused.

Tony just shrugs, but Rhodey steps back and lets them into his room. The place is still full of the flowers Pepper had snuck in, but the bed and desk chair had been cleared.

“Is something wrong?” Rhodey asks once everyone’s in. Tony leans back against the closed door, feeling awkward.

Pepper, however, seems to feel no such thing, because she gestures at the edge of Rhodey’s bed. “Please, sit. I have a question to ask.”

Slowly, Rhodey sits and waits. Pepper clears her throat, fiddling with the cuff of her uniform for a moment.

“I like you very much, James. I had hoped to use human methods of courtship to make that clear, but I’m afraid I did not understand as much as I’d hoped.”

“Oh, the flowers...” He glances around the room, then over at Tony, glaring. “You knew who did it.”

Tony winces. “I couldn’t just blab. She came to me in confidence.”

“I appreciate the help Tony provided, but I feel I must be more transparent,” Pepper admits. “Would you be interested in fostering a relationship of that sort?”

Rhodey doesn’t say anything for a long, painful moment. Tony forces himself to stay silent and not interrupt. Finally, Rhodey responds with an answer Tony wouldn’t have expected in a thousand years.

“You’re wonderful, Pepper. I mean it. But I have a confession too.” He takes a deep breath and looks over at Tony. “I’d kind of hoped the flowers were from you.”

“Me?” Tony squeaks, flabbergasted. “You―you like me?”

“Since the Academy,” Rhodey says.

“Well, this is awkward,” Pepper says after another moment of silence. “I was always under the impression that Lieutenant Stark had some sort of crush on me.”

Tony silently prays for an asteroid to hit the ship and put him out of his misery right now.

“You knew?” Rhodey asks her, eyebrows raised, because of course Tony had never shut up about Pepper around him, and oh god, he’d kept talking about his crush on another person while his best friend was pining for him. For years!

“For some time now,” Pepper says. “I was under the impression it was a human faux pas to bring it up in conversation.”

Tony buries his face in his hands. What a disaster.

“I can’t believe you tried to get him to help you woo someone else when you knew he liked you!” Rhodey says, standing at last.

“I assumed since he did not bring it up, it was not serious.”

“Can we please stop talking about me like I’m not here!” Tony interrupts, straightening up. The other two stop arguing, and Tony sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. “What now?”

Nobody answers for a moment, then Pepper says,

“We can try this arrangement.” The two men look at her, and she gestures between the three of them, drawing a triangle. “I would not be opposed.”

Rhodey and Tony look at each other, startled. “What, like a ménage à trois?” Tony asks.

“I do not know what that is, but it sounds more agreeable than the three of us going our separate ways unsatisfied.”

“You seriously think that could work?” Rhodey glances between the two of them, but he’s not dismissing the idea outright, to Tony’s surprise.

Then again, Tony’s kind of surprised he’s not dismissing the idea either. It’s got a kind of appeal to it, the more he thinks about it. Rhodey’s been his best friend for years, and they’ve always stuck together and had each other’s backs. Kissing him doesn’t sound like a terrible idea too.

“Hey, if anyone can figure out how to make it work, we can,” Tony says with a grin. He goes over and takes a flower from the desk, handing it to Rhodey. “These were half from me anyway, it was my idea.”

Rhodey laughs and takes the flower from him. “They’re lovely,” he tells him, then hands the same flower to Pepper. “And I’d love to try fostering a relationship of that sort.”

Pepper takes the flower more carefully, spinning the stem between her fingers. “That sounds...awesome,” she says, testing the unfamiliar word, and Tony and Rhodey laugh.

Whatever the future has in store, they’ll boldly go toward it together.

#pepperhony #pepper potts #tony stark #james rhodes #pepperrhodeytony #fanfic #au #*mine #november fic challenge #i typo'd star trek as stark trek twice while writing the note at the top

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