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whatsnothappening · 1 year

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I didnt even finish my last entry bc i got stoned and forgot.

Hi. So, it is currently 3:16 in the morning. Well now its 3:17... dude my fuckin brain will focus on one thing only sometimes. What the fuck type dumb ass would i be if i used this entire entry to tell what time it was every time the clock changed. I could really see myself doing that lol. Well, here i am.. up at now... 3:18 😂 I have to open the store tomorrow at 9am. gotta be there 30 min early. (i tell myself that atleast but never do it.) Ill do it, im currently contimplating whether or not i want to just pull an all nighter in hopes that it will reset my sleep schedule because recently i havent been able to get to sleep like a normal person. I swear i get home and sit on the couch and my brain is dead. i cant move. i cant think of things that i need to get done around the house. BUT as soon as my fat ass head hits the pillow... its a mile a SECOND bro. we arnt going by minutes over here. We are on seconds, WE ARE STRUGGLING. But, i will say... the beginning of this year. i have enjoyed myself. i have told myself that i am going to seperate myself from my married life. GRANIT, i AM very much aware that my official married life is VERY new. Howwwwwever, i feel that i have been "married" to this man for many moons. We are just legal now. but i have seen myself become him, hes a great guy. but i am my own person. Now, one thing i told myself i am not going to do is try to become the person i was when i first met him. that person was 17. she was immature. she was broken. she was feral. this girl is still going to be feral. but she is going to be strong, physically and mentally. she is going to take time for herself. she is going to be selfish. she is going to stop blaming herself for not getting things done in a timely manner. I will say recently i have thought about asking my mother to go to therapy with me. i kind of want couples counseling with her. i dont want to have a horrible relationship with her but i feel that when ever i finally move out i wil make sure i dont call. i will make sure i dont come around. but i fear that if i were to ask her to do that with me she would look at me funny and then make me feel awful for even thinking of the idea. I am quite proud of myself here recently. i have started up going to the gym. now i have been having my life long best friend go with me who has been a social crutch because i feel that i would not be able to push myself easily with out him there. but i will get to that point. dont get me wrong i have times where i think that i am pretty. but lets get this straight, i do not care how many body positivity posts you see on the internet when you are creating your avatar for a game or online profile you are not willingly choosing to make your character fat. nobody willingly chooses to be fat. i am self aware that i am never going to be an instagram model. i dont want to be. i dont want to be stared at or be the center of attention. if i was still 17 it would be a different story, that girl is dead. but i have a goal to be comfortable. and feel a little more confident than i do now. i do have one huge fear about losing weight and that is SKIN. i dont want to have random flaps just flapping everywhere. i am horrified of that. but i guess there is always surgery for that. i am not opposed to cosmetic work, i do have my lips done and plan on getting botox or whatever that more earthy option is called. whatever my cosmetic surgeon recommends i absolutely love her. anyways. i think this one is just to ramble i dont really have anything that i want to try to reason with myself on or vent or explain. im just talking, trying to figure out how i am going to handle tomorrow lol. oh by the way its 3:31😘

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ashesandhackles · 3 years

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The Hogwarts Express scene in Prince's Tale: A Sirius and Snape analysis

I really, really enjoy Sirius and Snape as characters and their respective narrative functions in story. But what gets me most about them is how much Rowling hints about their backgrounds and so much of it makes sense with regard to who they are as adults. So I am going to be breaking down a very small scene from Prince Tale and getting into long winded hypothesis about their respective childhoods.

So, let's start with Snape. The scene begins with Snape rushing to find Lily, already in his Hogwarts clothes. Harry notes he must have been eager to get out of his clothes - ones that look like he borrowed from his mother, as Petunia spitefully pointed out. This has always been a very interesting detail to me - first off, it indicates how poor Snape's family is. Second, this indicates his tiny rebellion from his father - he refuses to wear clothes of the abusive man, and prefers his mother's. I admit, I am partial to the reading that Snape refuses to associate with his father in tiny ways, rather than Tobias refusing to hand his son clothes.

(I have seen readings which say that it is also a sign of neglect - perhaps his parents bought clothes that simply don't fit him, but I am more inclined to think it's a hand me down, simply because Harry identifies so strongly with it. Because Harry knows what it is like to wear a hand me down that don't quite fit, that are too big for you, or the ones that make you look ridiculous.)

Lily and Petunia's relationship is fraught with Petunia's jealousy. And young Lily is upset over it when Snape meets her. "I am not talking to you. Tuney hates me" she tells him. "Because we saw the letter from Dumbledore". Young Lily shows signs of being extremely emotionally reactive and this scene is one of them. It's easier for her to deal with Petunia's rejection of her by telling Snape she doesn't want to talk to him. It's a childish displacement of her hurt over her sister's rejection. (I am genuinely baffled by interpretations that Lily and Hermione are similar. Hermione is very cognitive person, Lily, as we have been shown repeatedly in memories, is not).

Snape, however, with his bad history with Petunia and his inability/ poor social skills to understand why this matters to her, goes: "So what?"

Lily, who throws him a look of deep dislike, says "So she's my sister". This seed is important because this is what develops into "he doesn't get me" feeling she later displays in her teenage scenes with him. Interestingly, most of Lily's personal relationships have deeply interwined love and dislike - Petunia (whose rejection bothers her but she cheerfully informs Sirius that Harry nearly broke a vase her sister sent - which means there is resentment on her end too), James - who she was attracted to even before 7th year but also disliked at one point, and Snape - again, a contentious friendship filled with love and distance.

"She's only a -" we dont get to hear what Snape intended to say. And given his own acrimony with Petunia, it could be anything. However, I read it as "She's only a Muggle" because it ties into his feelings about his father. Snape, who is proud of being half a Prince, emphasizing his magical lineage from his mother's side, his refuge in a violent, neglectful home. (Barty Crouch Jr and Snape with their disappointing fathers - I imagine Voldemort is supremely attractive leader to people with broken homes like this)

Snape, by all accounts, shows a disorganised attachment style. His caregiver, his mother - and perhaps the only parent he seems to have regard for, is too preoccupied by her own abuse to be there for her son - we see this in glimpses Harry sees in OOTP: " woman cowering" where a man shouts at her, and a young, neglected Snape cries in the corner. Children born in homes like this have trouble regulating their emotions, simultaneously displaying tendencies to aggressively lash out or show disassociative symptoms. Both of which Snape displays. Statistically, this is also seen more in low income households where economic instability and resulting domestic instability creates an unsafe environment for the kids to safely form ideas of their identity, or express emotions in healthy ways, modelling instead out of behaviour seen at home.

Then, Snape reminds her that they are going to Hogwarts. He is already in his Hogwarts clothes - now, Snape gets to be the impressive figure. The one who told her about magic, who theorised about how Muggles get letters from magical people, the one who told her about Dementors and Azkaban. He has already left behind the Spinner's End version of him, he wants to bigger than that, and is keen to be in place of magical learning and to join Slytherin. Essentially, he shows signs of unstable identity, insecurity - all prime for grooming into a cult.

And here comes along James Potter, who looks around at the mention of Slytherin. James's comment uses Snape's line and directs it to Sirius instead and it becomes a conversation between them, as a way to bond more with a fellow "rowdy boy" Sirius. Effectively ignoring the other two.

Sirius as we see here, "does not smile" when James talks about Slytherin. He essentially says something that can be construed as a way to nip that conversation in bud: "My whole family has been in. Slytherin". This suggests to me that there is some loyalty to his family there and his disillusionment with them isn't entirely fixed yet. After all, Sirius's intense loyalty to his friends, more specifically James, did not come out of thin air. It is reasonable to suggest that he felt some loyalty to his family at some point and the intensity with which he regards his friends is a reaction to burned off and being a "displaced person without a family" as Rowling put it.

Interestingly, while his reaction to his mother and Bellatrix are obviously sore spots, his response to Regulus is comparatively quite soft. ("Stupid, idiot" - something he calls James later on in the same book, OOTP). I imagine Sirius has quite complicated feelings about his brother and he is capable of nuance (when the person isn't Snape, where his dislike seems to be borne of an intense projection): "The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters". As someone who is grown up among them, Sirius would understand that.

His framing of Regulus's need to please his parents also further highlights what exactly is the source of disillusionment. He calls Regulus "soft enough to believe them" - which means he is crediting his own intelligence to see through his parents bigoted world view. Clearly, bigotry is not something the Blacks explained in a way that Sirius, eldest of their male line and their heir, bought it. It also probably didn't help the Blacks case that Grimmauld Place is in a Muggle neighborhood and that their eldest son is a bit of a wild boy with interest in pushing boundaries. His intellectual disconnect leads to the righteous rage he later feels but it began there. (Boy, it must suck to discover that everything you have been taught to value in the world and in yourself as the heir is essentially rubbish). Since his differences with his family began with seeds of intellectual disconnect rather than on intense empathy with downtrodden, it makes him, as a pureblooded privileged boy, unable to truly understand Lupin's fears regarding his lycanthropy. Hence, the Werewolf prank (I am not getting to the Snape bit, just the Lupin bit). To James' credit, he does understand what that means for Lupin and saves all three of them from different set of consequences.

Anyway, back to the scene. James, who has made an ass of himself in front of his new friend, who he was getting along with fine until now, then goes "Blimey, I thought you seemed alright". (Btw, I find James wildly large ego kind of hilarious here, especially in light of Snape's comment about him to Sirius in OOTP: "You will know he is so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him"). Sirius, who I believe has been raised like "royalty" as Blacks would, has good enough social skills to defuse a situation. He grins and says: "Maybe I will break the tradition".

This line is an indication of Sirius's desire for independence, an identity seperate from his family. The use of the word "tradition" is interesting. It sounds like Sirius is expected to behave in a certain way, the heir of Black family whose parents thought being a Black "made you practically royal". Adult Sirius is contemptuous of this, or their "valuable contribution to Ministry" which means they just gave gold - it tells me that any and all conditions put on him by his family were to fulfill tradition that is either worthless or holds no meaning in his eyes. The root of the emotional abuse Sirius suffers from his family is this - realising his parents love for him is conditional on him being a certain way. (In fact, you can read Regulus desire to emphasise his connection to the family as a reaction to what he sees with Sirius - Sirius does not behave, Mum and Dad don't love him). As a child with unconscious knowledge of lack of love, Sirius then acts out, they react, rinse and repeat "until he has had enough". Sirius chafes against boundaries well into adulthood and doesn't react well to people enforcing it on him, even if it is out of love for him. Cue the fire scene with Harry where he behaves as if Harry is rejecting him instead of protecting him.

Sirius asks James about where he wants to go, and Snape, who is incensed about James being insulting about a House he put stock in, which he made part of new identity (so that he is no longer that Snape boy from Spinner's End) and was in general trying to be impressive about in front of Lily, "makes a disparaging noise" once James talks of Gryffindor. Snape's response to James' : "Got a problem with that?" is interesting. He says: "If you'd rather be brawny, rather than brainy-"

This is an important value for Snape. He knows he is clever and values it. He spends his spare time inventing hexes, making great shortcuts to Potions. He has genuine thirst for learning and he hones it. In SWM, we see that he has written far more longer answers than anyone else, he is poring over his paper after exams. He even mocks Hermione's lack of inventive answers: "Answer copied word to word from the textbook, but correct in essentials". He values originality. It may be me stretching this, but I am partial to the reading: this is his way of rejecting his father once again, who is implied to be a violent man. (in other words, someone who is hypermasculine - "brawny". In fact, Snape's rejection of hypermasculinity is a huge post on it's own - Potions (brewing, cauldrons - coded as feminine arts), the doe Patronus, his proficiency in Occlumency and Legliemency (intuitive mind arts, again seen archetypically feminine) etc).

"Where are you hoping to go, seeing as you are neither?" - Sirius is quick with emotionally cutting insults. Snape hasn't even finished his sentence, but Sirius is already on his case. Which suggests growing up in a household with sharp tongues. It's a fair assumption, given Mrs Black's half mad portrait. It also tallies with Sirius's talking about his mother: "My mother didn't have a heart Kreacher, she kept herself alive out of pure spite" . The wounds are fresh enough on this. (Another interesting way Snape and Sirius act as inverse mirrors - Snape rejects his father, Sirius rejects his mother. Sirius acts as proxy for James for Harry while Snape takes on Lily's role of protecting him). However, you know who else is spiteful? Sirius.

While James is the physical bully (the tripping Snape, doing most of the bullying in SWM), Sirius attacks emotionally. ( Sample the one about Snape's appearance - "I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment, there will be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word" or even the carelessly vicious- "Put that away, before Wormtail wets himself in excitement"). Curiously, with all that talk of how his mother being spiteful, it's her room he spends time in when he is depressed. (Again, in inverse mirror way, we can talk of how Snape looks for a father figure in Dumbledore - craves his validation and is proud of Dumbledore's trust in him). We could argue it's also because Buckbeak is there, and perhaps it's the largest room in the house, but it's very telling that's where Sirius spends time when he is "in a fit of sullens". Sirius's sense of abandonment from his family, makes him look for family connections with friends - a trait he shares with Harry. Interestingly, the first time he glimpses Harry in Privet Drive, Harry is also running away from home - just like he did. Anyway, I could go on.

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theunconcernedembalmer · 3 years

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Mind if I ask who the mun’s favorite and least favorite genshin characters are in game? Can be playable or non playable whichever you have in mind!

small ramblings (and my least favourites) under the cut, i talk too much as usual XD

i actually main zhongli, ningguang n beidou mostly (once i manage to get my primogems from maxed out friendship levels XD) n i also love their characters a lot. diona really grew on me n i use her quite a bit too. madam ping has a special place in my heart too, n for some reason i really like guoba HAHAHAHAH it cant aim for nuts but i still love it :,,3

honestly i dont really have characters that i dislike (pallad n albert are exceptions cos everyone kinda hates them with good reason so), each character is endearing/ interesting in their own way, but since we're talking about least favourites

my least favs are kaeya and diluc seperately (cos when they're together they become a lot more interesting, funny and tolerable HAHAHAH). i disliked kaeya as a joke at first but the more i listen to him in the quests the more i started to genuinely disliked him because of how he sounds like he perpetually has a shit eating grin (at least for the english VO) which makes even the simplest of statements sound super suspicious coming from him. not to mention half if not all his battle lines are snide comments that doubles as taunts. like i know hes an interesting character n i enjoy the depth he has, n he definitely has deeper ties to the over arching plot, but i also really want to punch his face every time he opens his mouth.

as for diluc (who came home n i excessively bully), the game was trying too hard to sell diluc as genshins version of batman (super cool, super competent, super vigilante, super edgy) in the story quests so i immediately disliked him. dude has 3 fully animated battle cutscenes showing off how badass he is that are too long n borderline unnecessary unless u really so badly want ur audience to get the hint that this guy is The Shit.

also when i saw his voicelines........ dude never grew out of his emo edgy phase ever n its. very cringe. (his voiceline when it rains is "if only the rain could cleanse the sins of the world" or something like that n every single time i hear it i just. sigh) as a character i think hes okay, except the parts where he talks about his idea of justice like the cool jaded vigilante that he is supposed to be. i also think mihoyo did his model dirty cos mihoyo is allergic to muscles n guy is supposed to have muscles he wields a greatsword with relative ease

i guess hes useful cos spiral abyss really favours pyro so hes one of the few i raised up to 90. i still shit on him endlessly tho

#zhonglisop #its very rare i have a completely non idv post but well. here we go #thank u so much for this ask by the way #i kinda wanted to draw something but i didnt really want to work on idv stuff for some reason #so when i got this it was perfect n i got a bit carried away #i was going to draw kaeya n diluc too just for fun but i got carried away with my mains XD #i can never seem to draw ningguang right. she doesnt look the way i want to draw her but she always ends up like that #zhongli as well actually. kinda dont really like the anime proportions in game but i also dont want to give him the #cheekbone treatment HAHAHAHA i think im overusing it XD #then again i havent really drawn him a lot so i havent really experimented with how i want him to look in my art #i say i got carried away because i ended up detailing their outfits. i think i spent the most time on the details really #mihoyos designs in general are very intricate. very pleasing to look at. an utter bitch to draw #i also kinda wanted to try something different with my art style but uh i guess that didnt quite happen #i kinda wanna do some style studies but. i have stuff on that drains most of my time n energy so guess not XD #i should really get to replies tho............... im running out of drafts..............

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kiingbiing · 4 years

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bro Please show us ur ocs what

gladly

just know that names will change bevause i have too many characters woops (im a bad character maker lol)

i made them children who murder but now i dont know what to do with them, soon i will make a story for them

king and jester raise a baby and fall inlove :]

theyre originally humans but with a potion gone wrong, they end up as animals and now they have to work together to turn themselves back, also the snake works with the law and the mouse is a crook

dnd character, but i never got to play him cause i never played dnd, lol, one day, i will

ethan works at a cafe and got turned into a vampire, carter is a monster hunter and wendy is his assisstant. carter has the hots for ethan and ethan doesnt want to acknolwedge his existence. maggie and callie is ethan’s friend, barry LIKES wendy

the triplets were inspired by moosop ngl, but i do remember making triplets in 5th grade lol

inspired by tarzan, but i changed the story cause i made these characters when i was younger and i cant abandon them. meriam raised talia (i changed her name) when she decided to leave london and live in the jungle. talia barely speaks because her speech isnt good. mark comes to visit his mother and to try and see if the island can be used for good money, mark and talia hate each other for this fact.

made this in 4th grade cause my first lesbian ship was bubbaline and i was like, i dont have enough lesbian ships, gotta make my own then,

no name for them but its set in the philippines, inspired by our monsters :]

a fellow monster has to be in love with their food

fairly odd parents oc, josh and penny got adopted by this rich couple, and everything was fine till they figured out that they only got adopted because the parents would get more money from their parents if the wanted kids, this warrented a god parent and francis is here. francis HATES children and is onyl doing this because its good money. penny is too energetic, josh is the quiet kid and francis hates kids, but he can handle one, hes not gonna be able to handle 2

theres 2 stories for this, bt judas and merith were in an arranged marriage and percy became merith’s crying buddy when judas is mean, they can be in a threesome, still dont know. still have to upadte this story

dominic goes savage during the full moon and his sister is the only one who knows this secret. the two rodents have a thing for dominic

these were just random ocs with no actual plot line, dino and cloudy are buddies and they go everywhere together

the colony of ants have a thing for the ant eater, not the tables have turned lol

dad is forced to raise a baby and he cant cause hes sad depressed, and he just doesnt know what to do but he can abandon her. jerry is like, buddy, BUDDY, if u let me crash, i can help out, hes helpful,

used to be an adventure time oc but i scrapped it,

princess aya runs away from the royal family to find her missing sister cause she doesnt want to be queen

she meets with red, a thief who dabbles with magic, which is illegal,

due to unfortunate events, red helps aya find her sister

animal crossing ocs. kenny and lola are dating :]

one and two are childhood friends? one was mean and two got depressed, but now one is trying to make up for it

kylan is failing his class, so richard has to tutor him to make sure hes on the right track, kylan just doesnt want to do anything with him, and when he realises that richard has a hard time making friends, he makes it his task to help him make a friend, in return, richard has to leave him alone

just two teenagers coming to terms about their feelings for each other.

braden never gave romance a thought until he reached middle school. he started to crush on george hard and he doesnt know how to handle this and he tries to deny it.

george is straight and is just vibing, and he thought things were fine until braden confessed his feelings.

braden is demisexual (im demi, hes very special to me)

this ones old, (also i made another oc thats named carter WOOPS)

no name (teddy) got kicked out from home when his mom figured out hes gay, and carter is a rich art student that needs a model and he ask teddy to become his model. carter pays teddy a good sum of money, (i need to work on this story woops)’

melissa is a rich blind girl and shes not allowed to party and go outside if she doesnt hire a body guard (thanks dad), she hired danny, an ex underground boxer to help her around the city.

in this world, magic welders are getting killed because only officials are allowed to use magic. momma summons demote, a demon, with a deal that he keeps her daughter safe. demote and harper hate each other and they have to tolerate each other in order to get away from the hunters. dewey is a forest entity that latched onto harper

my little pony oc

madison loves flowers, she tends flowers and honestly? flowers only.

valentine is a match maker and she stumbles upon madison, and her match making skills dont work on madison, just ponies being ponies :]

characters made with my friends but i lost contact with them and one day, ill work on their stories

david is in his first public school and he meets molly and he doesnt vibe with her cause she doesnt talk to him and it didnt settle with him right, so he bullies her, and when he figures out that shes deaf and maliciously bullied her, hes just, not happy and tries to make it up to her, and shes not having it

life and death, my friend wanted me to make a comic bout life and death,

just ur standard life and death ship

used to be an adventure time oc but i changed it

andrew grew up in a religious household with strict parents, making him study. hes not allowed to be with friends

margee is raised by her uncle because her dad died in a car accident,

dally has a strained relationship with his dad, his dad being an alcoholic and not taking care of his health

they were all childhood friends and then they got seperated, when they got older, they all saw each other and got together for support

(ok imm a fool and i try to make a webcomic but i keep not not finishing it so, woops)

bunny ocs when i was younger, i need to work on their stories, sorry, no other info except they want to beat each other lol

cupid accidentally shots an arrown at ching and now they fell inlove with mar, and mar just wants to vibe and be ignored but with ching contantly trying to woo mar, cupid thinks thats enough and tried to help mar because that wasnt suppposed to happen lol

girl realises that the monsters under her bed and in her closet are real and tries to get her mother to help her.

her mother abuses her and the girl is just scared and she doesnt know what to do

(im getting lazy)

baintly wants to be a good wizard but she sucks at everything

butters(the broom) is accidentally made when she tried to summon her animal

she was about to get kicked out of school but out of sepretation, she promised her school that she’ll go get a gem from a feared dragon in order to prove her place in the school

she got lonely and got a pet bunny and fox

terry accidentally summoned perry and she doesnt know how to handle a demon in her room, ralph is terry’s friend

set in space and theyre all animals

the top are a bunch of criminals and the bottoms arer in the police forces

and they both have to work toegether to get rid of a dangerious villian set to destroy the galaxy

ok so i lost their names but basically, big demon goes to the human world and befriends a child. other demon is the right hand and he follows his master and hes just a ball anxiety. the older sister is a monster hunter and she tries to kill the big demon living in her house

#doodle #Anonymous #anon #oc #ocs #long post #im not even joking there more #i just couldnt fit them all in here cause i got really lazy #but uhhh #opions please #cause uhhhh #anon asked #and i want to know what u think #anon please respond #:[

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blandmemoirs · 5 years

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Reflection in the Dark

Sometimes you watch a show and it changes your perspective in subtle, nuanced ways. Sometimes you consume information in a way that informs you of something you always understood about yourself, but in a way that makes it more clear. Lately, I've felt, lost? I'm not sure that's the right way to describe it. Perhaps I am trapped? In the dark? Lets go with that. I've felt as if I am in a dark place, slowly marching through the thick of it. I cant see in front of me, and I don't know if I'm making progress or if I'm just going back to where I came from. The more things change, the more they stay the same. And my life has received some small changes with larger overarching meanings that have left me confused and... At a loss. I walk down this lonely road and wonder if the path really means anything, or if I'm slowly pacing towards a bitter end. My senses tell me tragedy is on the horizon, but I am blind as to where it is to come from. Normally I see the bullets coming my way. What does intuition command my path is to be? Its silent. I hear static. I'm in the dark. What do I choose? Am I at a crossroads or have I already taken the turn? Am I going backwards? What is progress? Does it even fucking matter? Or am I concerning myself with things that dont even matter? Do I just drop it all and let go? Let it freeze over. At least the cold takes me where the wind blows.

I do as I have always done and turn to the world of fiction for answers. Be it fate or my own unwitting subconscious, I read of tragedy and loss. I see heartache and hurt. I see broken men lose it all. But as is a constant in the world of comics and capes, they persevere. They are grieving, but they still do what they are called on to do. They still protect and serve and save. Because that is their purpose. It is what they are meant to be. The memory of love lost, and a willingness to carry on. An acceptance of the loneliness and an ever-changing world. They choose to be a constant. To never let the weight of their personal conflicts hold them back from their purpose.

This brings me very specifically to The Punisher Season 2, which I just finished watching. Frank Castle is a man wandering in the dark. No sense of purpose, just drifting. He lost everything, all the love he had in the world ripped from him violently by evil men, some close to him. But he made them pay for it. He punished every piece of shit that had anything to do with his loss. But then what? What is he? Where does he go? He finally lowers his guard to start anew, only for his whole world to go back to shit and the person he fell for to be wounded in the fray. Frank is a man of conviction. He cant see suffering and let is persist. He must step in and put a stop to it. Even if it costs him a "normal life". And so he embarks on a journey of his own making in which he faces a new enemy and an old enemy he couldnt put down last time. In it he must face himself and the decisions he makes. He avenged his family. He put down eveyone involved. Yet here he is, on a violent path again. This time for no motivation other than to protect someone he has no obligation to. In the ensuing 13 hours the show took to finish, I found myself remembering just why I like this character so much.

Frank Castle is a tragic character. His wife and two kids gunned down in front of him. His only meaning in life taken from him. He takes up arms and exacts brutal, bloody punishment on those involved, and eventually, every evil doer who crosses his path. Frank lives in a world of black and white. Of good and evil. Evil must be killed, and good protected. Frank is neither good or bad. He is the line seperating them. He is the executioner carving that bloody divide. Frank doesnt see himself as good, he just sees himself as what he is, The Punisher. He kills the bad people. Thats how simple his world is. You do harm to other people, you hurt the innocent, you must be punished. Frank differs from the traditional hero because he kills. And he feels no remorse for it. He is THE Anti-Hero. He does bad things for the benefit of the good. There are times when I would like to be that. When I consider becoming that way. There are times I have done bad things to help good people. Obviously, I've not done anything as drastic as Frank, but the themes are similar. I am a man of themes and rules.

I see Frank Castle as being the model by which a part of myself wishes to emulate. A man with nothing to lose and a code to enforce. No feelings or friends, just channeling all of my anger and hate into hurting the ones who deserve it most. Its not a sustainable model, and it would only result in my loss. Frank is a sad character in great pain. There isnt a day he doesnt miss his family. But he knows the things he has done would make his family ashamed of him, so he fights his endless war instead. Frank is twice offered a new life this season, both times rejecting the women who love him for the pursuit of his purpose, punishment. Frank ends the show by "becoming what he is meant to be", The Punisher. After a season of him considering what his role in the world is, and whether he can ever allow himself to enjoy a happy ending, Frank pleads his closest friends to be permitted to be what he is meant to be. Frank has given up on his hope for a happy life, and instead is resigned to enacting pain on all who do evil.

I do not want to be like Frank Castle. He is not a role model like Captain America, or a guiding example like the Hulk. The Punisher is a character that has given up striving to be good. He just does what he wants to do because its what he does best. He has rules and a code. He has a sense of morality and purpose, but he has no humanity left in him. He has no love. He only has his wounded soul and a hate fueled by the anger he feels in his loss. Frank is a sad example of what a person can become when they resign themselves to purpose.

I enjoy The Punisher because I can feel what he feels and indulge myself in his reality without becoming him. Its catharsis. The fantasy of beating down abusers and making them swallow their own teeth and beg for mercy as they choke on their own blood. Season Two experimented with a more merciful Frank Castle. But Frank is not meant to be merciful. He is an executioner. Mercy is for the other heroes. The hope of redemption for evil or faith in a system is what separates Frank from those like Daredevil or the Batman. Each instance of mercy was unique in that's its causes and consequences were different. Sometimes more innocents are hurt, other times the man he spared was someone doing evil against their own will, fighting for a cause out of their control. Frank spares many soldiers who are only following orders so long as they can admit their orders were wrong. "Do what you gotta do" he says.

The Punisher will always capture my imagination because I feel the connection to him. That one bad day could spiral me into a position like his. My values remain, but my soul is gone. My purpose is clear, but my heart is cold. I am simply a shell of myself, acting more as a machine or a force of nature than a man. Frank is even referred to as a "whirlwind" at one point. He is defended as not being a criminal, but also not being a hero. Hes just Frank. Sometimes I see myself in a similar vein, not a good man, not a bad man, just Robbie Bland. A constant.

Frank Castle is a forbidden future I hope I never find myself venturing into. I don't want to become like that. So sad, so tragic, so hurt. But committed, committed to a purpose. Committed to a cause, a war. There is no peace for Frank Castle, and perhaps there may never be a peace for Robbie Bland.

As I wander through this dark in my life, I wonder what I may become, if I am to change at all. I wonder what road I may choose, and if it will be the right one for me. For now, I persist in this limbo state. A good enough job in a good enough apartment surrounded by what I hope is endless support from my loved ones. The times are a-changing. But the more things change, the more they remain the same. The more I begin to think I am not alone, the more alone I feel. For now, I can only persevere and wait for the sun to shine.

Waiting, I'm growing good at it. I'm a patient man, no doubt. I can wait a long time. I just need to know what I'm waiting for, and if what I'm waiting for is the right thing in the first place. I am not growing impatient. I am wondering why the hell I am waiting for something I dont fully understand. But, maybe that means I'm bad at waiting.

I'm in the dark. Wandering. Waiting. Contemplating. I think more to the past with each passing day, making peace with some things and plans for others.

Punisher Season 2 has made me realize that I do not want to let go of the chaos my heart hold. That I do not want to let my heart freeze over so that I can commit to purpose and survival. I'd rather feel and pursue what makes me happy than resign myself to loss. Whatever tragedy approaches me, I will face it, and I will make myself better from it.

Getting to live in Frank Castle's head the last day or so has me knowing it is not a place I wish to remain permanently. Merely to indulge at times when I need to be reminded why I chase the things I do.

Good things come to those who wait. I merely need to be patient, the night is darkest before the dawn.

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dahniwitchoflight · 7 years

Text

Ages of the Wayfinder Trio

actually speaking of the wayfinder trio and the funkiness surrounding their ages

my thoughts for how old everyone will be once the story is older goes kinda like this

Aqua was in the realm of darkness, where Time flows differently, whereas she aged and experienced a chunk of time probably equivalent of a few months to maybe a year at most. That was completely seperate from the realm of light’s timeline passing like 10 years

so at most, Post KH3 Aqua is like, 1 year older than BBS Aqua

Terra though, has spent 10 years merged with Xehanort, we know that the original merger went from BBS Terranort, a young man roughly Terra’s age

to Xemnas and Asnem, both full grown men, meaning that the full person merger of Xemnas/Ansem (aka Older terranort) is also a full grown man

meaning for all intents and purposes, Post KH3 Terra should also be 10 years older than BBS Terra. (unless when they split something like MX being an evil old man instead of Post KH3 Terra/Xemnas/Ansems’s age equal is explained by the fact that when they split he got all the experience and Terra got all the youth but eh)

Ventus then is last as being in a somewhat suspended animation state in castle oblivion for his ten year period. We haven’t seen him in his post KH3 state as of yet, except for a single scene during the end of DDD, which looks the same and implies he didn’t age

but the thing is, if Ven’s suspended animation is the same as Sora’s was, Sora did age during his single year

and there’s also the fact that the KH series has done this before where if they show a single scene in one game meant to represent a different version of the character happening in another part of the timeline, theyll just use the model that they already have instead instead of making an entire new one just for a single unplayable cutscene

they did this when they first showed the scene of Ienzo, Lea and Isa losing their hearts to darkness (Destiny, KH2.5 Final Mix Secret Ending, shows most of the org pre-nobody, during the scene they became nobodies)

As of BBS, we know that during this time Zexion, Axel and Saix were very young and nearer the same age, we see young Ienzo’s model in that scene because they had used it for another scene

however originally they didnt have a young Lea or Isa model like in BBS, so in the scene where it shows them losing their hearts to darkness, they used the older Axel and Saix models, the ones already nobodies and wearing the black coats, supposedly at the moment where they didnt have those yet :p

SO. its stands to reason that, if they don’t have an older Ventus model, and don’t have enough justification to make one, because they only scene they need to show of it is a single secret ending one. Then for now, they will use the model of him that they have, and when they show it again once theyve had enough reason to make an older model of him, like say in a newer game where older him is actually a character again, they will simply show the scene again using the updated correct model like they did with Isa and Lea

(theyve done this also with Ventus himself in his own game, his original appearance is 4 years ago when Xehanort first drops him off in the land of departure after creating Vanitas, assuming Ventus is 14 when he’s playable in BBS, that makes him 11 in the scene where he’s beaten down and broken into Vanitas by MX. But since, no need to show his 11 year old self beyond a prologue cutscene, no need for another seperate model, but that also doesn’t mean he didn’t age from 11 to 14 :p and then obviously his 11 year old self would look different than his like, 25 year old self, but again, the models used ingame don’t show it all that well cuz they just dont make that many models for miniscule scenes)

so it is VERY LIKELY, that considering that in no other cases or situations do we ever see someone stop aging for any reason

that Ventus likely did not stop aging during his time at castle oblivion as well

Nobodies still age, people in weird circumstances (like Terranort) still age

even Aqua in the Realm of Darkness didn’t stop aging, its just that she was in a different timeline in a different realm with different rules about time, what happened temporally in the realm of Light during her time in RoD just didnt have anything to do with her

SO Likely, the wayfinder Trio once meeting up/becoming whole/awake again post KH3, assuming theyre ages in BBS being:

Terra = About 19. Nomura said Xemnas was about 30, and KH2 is 11 years after BBS ends. Aqua = About 19 (Cuz same age as Terra makes sense) Ventus = About 14 (Same age as Sora in KH1)

means that around end of KH2 they’re about

Terra: 30 (Xemnas)

Aqua: About 20 (RoD)

Ventus: About 25 (Castle Oblivion)

add another year ish for DDD/KH3 (for Terra/Ventus anyway)

and they’d all be 31, 20 and 26 respectively

heck, even if you make Terra and Aqua around 24 years old as of BBS to match their ages up better post KH3 (I mean, Terra/Aqua are called adults, and japenese adulthood is at age 20 not 18, and Nomura said “About 30″ not exactly 30, meaning Terra can’t be younger than 19, but could be a bit older as well, but since hes called adult, hes at least 20 as well)

so being 35 (Terra), 25(Aqua) and 25 (Ventus)

almost everyone is the same age that fits reasonably well within what canon that we know

so how can we think of to fix it so Terra rejoins the 25 age group?

well I’ve always liked to think a nice little rehash of the “a young man in the body of an old xehanort man because he fell to darkness, who hides from his friends because he doesnt want to be seen like this, but the girl in the group recognizes him and through the power of friendship/heart/love sees his younger self inside him and somehow becomes young again” scene would be a very nice callback

Xemnas/Ansem recombine, Old Terranort exists again, Terra regains control over the darkness/his heart, Riku Style, but Terra still looks old because connections to Darkness/Xehanort, feels ashamed of how he’s fallen/avoids friends, but helps from sidelines. Aqua catches hi, recognizes him, they have a heartfelt friendship moment and *BOOM* Young Terra Again, but about a year older cuz he did mature in that time

through the power of friendship is magic, the wayfinder trio are all 25 years old now

thats my headcanon for things and I’m sticking to it

#Kingdom Hearts #Wayfinder Trio #KH Aqua #KH Terra #KH Ventus

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kaialone · 7 years

Text

Yokai Watch Merchandise Translation?

(Masterpost for my Yokai Watch translations can be found here)

Well it’s not solely merchanside related, as this will probably tie into the actual games in the future.

This might contain spoilers for Yokai Watch 3 depending on your point of view, so be careful.

This is gonna be some translations of some information about this object:

First of all,

Turns out this Item is actually called “覚醒エンマ魔笛“, or “Kakusei Enma BREATH”

Notably the “魔笛” part of it actually would translate to “Demon Flute” or “Magic Flute”, but the furigana say that it is instead read outloud as “ブレス“, which is the english word “Breath” written in katakana.

(If youre not sure what I mean look here:

The part I underlined with red are the furigana. Furigana are used to display the pronounciation of kanji. From what I understand normally they’re used in children’s media and similar stuff to show the pronounciation of kanji that’d be too hard for the target audience to read, but they’re also sometimes used for wordplay, or giving words new fancy pronounciations and the like)

But with it’s name explained, onto what I actually wanted to do:

Took me a while to notice it, but seems some information on this item, more specifically the merchandise version you can buy, can be found on this website.

(Little Note: For me some “do you wanna buy stuff” pop-up appears when I open the site, but you can just close it and stuff, jsyk)

I dont know if this is the only place that has some concrete info, but yeah.

So this is gonna be me translating some info from that website there, though note that I don’t got time to go over all of it, so I might miss some stuff, or just kinda skim over some parts, sorry. And of course, even if it’s gonna be a rather different kind of translation, the usual “rule” to my translations also applies:

“Please keep in mind that I´m a beginner when it comes to japanese, so it’s possible that I make mistakes, too.“

So I’ll just go through the stuff from this site bit by bit.

Alright, so the part I put the red around here says something like:

“Awakened Enma’s Dream Link Item Appears!! The Arrival of the Symbol of the King that Unifies All!”

Notes:

The word I translated as “Symbol” can also mean “mark”, “proof”, and the like.

It could also be like “a symbol” and “a king” respectively.

The little white text at the bottom says something about the Yokai Watch Dream being sold seperately, I think.

On the actual page there’s also a button there that takes you right to the buying section.

Here we got two parts,

the first block of text talks about Awakened Enma, saying something like this:

“Awakened Enma

One of the 4 legendary God Yōkai that are said to exist. The awakened form of the Great King Enma, having opened his third eye. His previously hidden, true power has been released.”

The next block of text (in the purple box) talks more about the item itself, saying something like this:

“Awakened Enma Breath

The symbol of the king that can only be used by the Enma family, which rules over all yōkai. With its sound, possessing strong Spirit Power, it can subdue yōkai, and only Enma in his awakened state conceals its uncontrollable, overwhelming power.”

Notes:

What I translated as Spirit Power is 妖力, which is the word power (力) with the 妖/Yō from 妖怪/Yōkai added to it, so it could be translated as “Yo-power” or maybe even “Strange Power”, but it’s actually also what the Spirit stat is called in the japanese versions of the games, hence why I went with Spirit Power.

I´m a bit unsure about the phrase I translated as conceals here. In japanese it’s 秘める/himeru, which can translate to to hide, to obscure, or to veil, among other things, but I am unsure if it literally means any of those in this case.

Next is a bit where there is a video to watch:

youtube

It just kinda shows off Awakened Enma and his Soultimate.

But it also lets us hear what is a bit of the chanting I think you’ll get to hear when putting medals (or certain medals) into this thing when its all Dream Linked.

Though I don’t want to go over what I think this chant says just yet, as it actually gets a bit more of a focus down the line.

Next we have a bit that I think is something like “How to play”

Basically it explains that if you push the mouthpiece of the flute, it’ll play a tune, and on the original page, the empty box where my red arrow is pointing actually has a button that let’s you listen to a little sample of the tune.

Though further down the line there is a video where I think you can actually hear the full version, or at least more of it than shown here, but I will go over that when we get to it.

Next bit talks about Dream Linking, connecting the main piece of the Yokai Watch Dream with the Enma Breath, and stuff.

It mostly just says like “Dream Link with the DX Yokai Watch Dream!!” and stuff about that Yokai Watch Dream being sold seperately.

The part that’s kinda interesting though is the one where I put my red arrow, because I think it says:

“Awakened Enma Breath becomes its true form...!!”

Next bit seems to imply that this “form” after the Dream Link is called “Breath Mode”, and it mentions that with the Dream Link, the tune changes!

Yes, when you click on the button that exists on the real website in the box where my red arrow is pointing, you can hear a sample of how the music changes in this mode.

Though like with before further down the line there is a video where you can actually hear more of it.

Next bit, we have that text I underlined in red which says:

“Put in Yōkai Medals while in Breath Mode and summon yōkai!!”

The text in the fuzzy orange bubble seems to talk about putting in Awakened Enma’s Dream Medal as an example, while the smaller white text talks about how that Medal is included with Sukiyaki.

The golden text says something like:

“Awakened Enma’s power is released!!”

And the part where my red arrow points has another button on the actual page. Clicking on it will let you listen to the chant that already appeared in the video above.

I´m not 100% sure but based on another video that comes later, I think it’s the chant that plays when you insert a medal and play the roulette mini-game.

I’m not as good with hearing japanese compared to reading it, but I think the chant says:

“どっちの地獄でおしおきだ覚醒エンマの言うとおり“

which, I think, translated to something like:

“Which hell will be the punishment? Just as Awakened Enma says“

The latter part may be a reference to an idiom that goes like “Just as god says”, which is basically an “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe“ kind of saying you use when making a random decision, from what I hear.

Next part is like, “Furthermore, you can also listen to Awakened Enma’s lines!!” and mentions that he is voiced by Ryōhei Kimura.

The button on the real page where my arrow points once again let’s you listen to an audio sample, but what you can hear there is actually slightly different from what those ominous speech bubbles say.

So first, I will translate what the speech bubbles say, which seems to be something like:

“Now, follow me...”

and

“Numerous beautiful souls, embraced by jet-black darkness...!”

Meanwhile, the audio file first has him say the:

“Now, follow me...”

part, but then adds what I think is something like:

“Follow me without fear! Let’s go together!”

Note:

The “follow me” part in the first line refers to following as in following a leader, and the like. In the second part it’s following like going somewhere together.

This next part talks about how you can charge “GOD” Yōki.

Let me take a quick detour to explain just what Yōki is before anything else here:

“Yōki“ is a term kinda frequently used in the japanese versions of the Yokai Watch games.

It is made up of these Kanji:

妖/Yō (the same Yō as in Yōkai, depending on the context it can mean something like “mysterious” or “bewitching”, among other things),

and 気/Ki, which can mean a lot of things. It is the japanese word for the concept of Qi, and can also be translated as breath, spirit, mood, essence, atmosphere, feelings and many other things depending on the context.

Outside of Yokai Watch, “Yōki” appearently can refer to a ghostly, unearthly or weird feeling, I hear? In Yokai Watch itself it seems to be more like, a Yokai’s Ki or a Yokai-like Ki, as in their energy, feeling, and all that.

In the english versions of the games it seems like it’s usually translated as aura or energy, depending on the context.

With that out of the way, onto what this part actually says

Basically it seems to talk about how when you do a Dream Link with the Yokai Watch Dream, you can put in a Yokai Dream Medal, and hold the button to play the Roulette game. And if you win, you can charge “GOD” Yōki.

(And of course the Yokai Watch Dream is sold sperately)

“Charging” your medals with stuff using the Yokai Watch Dream isn’t a new thing either, I think, but this “GOD” Yōki is new.

Here it talks about where you can use this “GOD” Yōki

I didn’t go over every last bit of this, but basically it says that at this place there you can use “GOD” Yōki to power up your yokai, but it doesn’t seem to specify what exactly that means.

I have to admit, I barely looked at this part, it just seems to talk about something you can do at some japanese only Gashapon machine, maybe using that “GOD” Yōki, and seems like you can battle Awakened Enma, too.

This part just shows off how the product looks, but the description actually has some kinda interesting tidbits:

“It is decorated with a flame-motif which is also the symbol of the Enma family, and the character ‘王’ is engraved on it. A highly detailed model, fitting for the king of yōkai!”

Note:

王 means “King”

In contrast, this part seems to just talk about nice music and lights.

This part talks about the Previous Great King Enma Dream Medal, which I think comes with the flute?

It also talks about how you´ll be able to get the flute in the game now, using a QR code. It also mentions that its an item only Awakened Enma can use, implying it might be a hold-item.

Then it goes on to talk about how you can get bonus points for some japanese-only thing that I don’t know much about by ordering early? I think?

Next is another video, and this is gonna be the last thing on this page I talk about, because the rest just seems to be talking about where and how to buy the product.

youtube

It shows off the tune of the flute, and how it changes after the Dream Link, and like I mentioned before, this is the part where you can hear longer versions of the previous samples. Perhaps these are even the full versions?

After that it shows what happens when you insert a Medal, and the chant we heard before plays, but its actually a bit longer.

First is the part we know already:

“Which hell will be the punishment? Just as Awakened Enma says“

the part that comes after it is something like:

High pitched voice(s): "Are you done?"

Awakened Enma: "Not yet."

High pitched voice(s): "Are you done?"

Awakened Enma: "Enough!

-pause-

Deeper voice: "THAT hell!"

And after that it plays a bit of the line that went:

“Numerous beautiful souls, embraced by jet-black darkness...!”

And lastly it shows “GOD” Yōki being charged.

And that is all I could get from that site right now, I hope any of you enjoyed this like I did!

#yokai watch #youkai watch #yo kai watch #yokai watch 3 #enma #yokai watch translations #my translations

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11toe11-blog · 4 years

Text

No autocorrect. e for stickie

“Thats such a good lesson. On patience” he says. After yanking out two of the sapota seeds he had to lovingly planted. Its sticking out of the mud, may be i should pushi it back inside, something is not right, let me pull it out and see whats going on he must have thought. And the two of the early earnets, reposnding to his watering dropped dead. Thats the garden as the zen master i suppose.

The very change that we water and nourish, when it starts expressing, we wonder why it is not how it is supposed to be - familiar, buried deep in the soil and my role to keep watering. Or final, green and with a leaf on it. The inbetweens where its neither this or that, uncertain. I assume im a doing something wrong.

I notice that as a programme running when i am doing my body work. A sense that i am not paying attention where i should be paying attention. I notice the feeling and when it dissolves more attention is generally availble and flowing.

I am feeling like now. Oh! This is not what i wanted to start the post with.

Its because R is around. Otherwise i would be more contemplative. I should have this, i should have that. I havent this, i havent that.

And its not entirely just the whiner programme. Had i woken up early i would ahve had more quiet time. But for that i have to sleep early.

Now that it is what it is, i didnt sleep early, i didnt wake up early, things arent going picture perfect, but they are not bad either. A chunck of the sticky can see that. Its sticking. Stuck like resin onto how it should have been. This is the cant-let-it-go resin. Can let anything go. Want to stick to everything and anything passing by. Like an ocptopus with a million legs and holding on to everyhthing passing by and being pulled in infiinte direction.s

Imagine if it suddenly lets go, what a whack it would get from all its legs combined recoil.

Methi paratha. Would go very well with the garlic pickle he is making.

Where is this

Where is that

Incessant. Wont look. Cant see.

I havent been making sprouts for a while. Nor micro greens.

I like the kichen counter to be clean. Spot less. A few

You this. You that.

A clean kitchen counter whre we can cook.

Its a small counter and i need it clean. Right now its a clutter.

You this you that

This is like this This is like that

Where have i seen this play out in loop. My mother. R has turned into my mother this morning. R keeps turning into my mother.

That when i hate him. Hate is strong. Intensely dislike. When he keeps driving home this point of how one is not doing what what one is supposed to be doing. That what and who one is, isnt ideal.

This was beginining to feel like a whiny pointless post with zero insight.

And R calls up his mom to ask if she minds onion in the kadala curry he is making. We are taking puttu and kadala over with us when we go to visit them today. I would have thought it odd the affection he bestows on his mother. And early on when i met him, he wasnt so expressive with his affection towards his parents. A 54 year old man being being possibly moer affectionate with his mom that i am with mine. Is actually such a wonderful and beautiful thing. In my own conditioning, formed by acerbic relations between my mom and her mom-in-law and my father’s absence, that i never got a clear idea of my fathers relationship with his mother. What do i mean by that? I suppose we form neural pathways of expectations based on what we are exposed to. Somewhere in my liberal hyper-independent idea of the free woman, modelled along the independent man, was one who didnt need anyone. And so it seems strange, for the adult man to express his affection for his aged mother. He can take care of the financial and social obligations et al. But to express geniune affection outwardly. How unstoic.

ANd how human. To actually accept and acknowlege ones need for this primary connection to the world. Than hide it in thick layers of indifference and independence as expression of masculinity.

And somewhere, the articulation of the Oedipus complex lurks suspiciously, watching out for abnormality in everything and everyone. That if one thing that has been named and labelled, and its all just that.

I know that its my own possessive tendencies and programming that assumes that every ounce of the adult male’s attention must be and must only be directed towards his “legal” mate.

Ah. There were are inching closer and notice the familiar subject in the horizon. Envy.

Yesterday when R said he was intensely attracted to E at some point in the exercise which was to gaze into the eyes of another, a stranger or friend for 10 minutes, i felt the sensations. Bubbling that demanded more space. Didnt want touch. Words that came out first - was to reassert power. “I know, i sensed it then”. And its true, i am quite sensitivve and i may have sensed it then and it may have had its effects on the evening. Sure.

But what was remarkable was how my viewing expereince of the film that E made, (and it was while watching the film that R made this statement) shifted ever so slightly. My neutral viewing and expereince of admiration shifted slowly and clearly towards disinterest and and veiled criticism. Basically, to put it simply, i found more faults with the film in the last half an hour after the greens than i did in the whole one hour before that. To the extent that i even found a scene dishonest and without integrity.

Now the question that i wont ever have a real answer to - is if the scene actually had elements that lacked a certain integrity and congruent with the position taken by the maker. And my envy allowed for a critical lens, or a wiping out of rose tinted admiration?

Or it was a discouloring and distrotion of the viewing experince, from the sensations expereinced?

I dont know.

Maybe what i am trying to ask is - is there any use of this sensation or expereince of envy. Does it serve any purpose in the larger sense of things? Because everything does, no, if we go by the idea of interconnectedness. Even the weeds have uses, unknown to us.

The sensation is sure unpleasant. It immediately put a distance between me and R and even E.

It created a distinct expereince of seperation. And with it came thoughts of security, or more like insecurity. Discrediting the other in someway as being weak. The need to claim, reclaim power. “ yea. When i have hung out with her husband, i was also quite intensely attracted to him”.

And also raised aloud once again the nature of commitment. Between R and me thats an on going conversation. How does one arrive into a mature sensible relationship.

Writing is slower today. I shared the blog link with 3 and a half people. And i know this will be read by someone other than me. Earlier there was no such thought at all.

It is changing the tone of what is being written. At this point atleast.

“ Dil mein mere hai Dard-e-disco dard-e-disco” … keeps appearing in head at random moments. Like a tape was left on and the power kept coming on and off. The two lines become backdrops to the most incognruent thoughts.

I go looking for the source. I dont find it.

In the play -

The character goes looking for the source of the song that fills the scene, and keeps looking and doesnt find it.

In another play, as ina thiriller , the song is the red color coating the pill. The memory that needs to placed into the slot to rewire the expereince of reality. Of joy. Or rights and wrongs. Of this one girl and hence of the collective. The logic is a lot like inception.

Ok. time to wrap. Dissatisfaction .

That the future gaze of another is coloring my expereince of perceiving and expressing. Maybe thats the distance between the master and the novice. The future gaze of another, for the master is also the future gaze of herself. The other not seperate from the self. And the novice rolls in the muck of otherness.

Rolling nice long distances made by the idea of such a seperation. Making huge spaces. And feeling small. Pretending to be big and feeling small.

I have had more backspaces operating today than i have ever in the recents.

Ok so envy makes some space and distance on one plane, while clingling like resin on another plane. Two opposite properties belonging to the same idea. Thats also another interpretation of duality.

HUnger hunger.

I go eat and make puttu.

I really hope i do my exercises in the evening. My knees need it. ANd not keep it off to the next morning - because only mornings are perfect. And if i cant do it in the morning i can nver do it, nonsense.

Afternoon today mom starts stitchinging classes with me.

We pulled out almost a hundred bed sheets from the trunk in the outhouse. Apparently, they are some 40-50 years old. Belonging to R’s grandmom.

Quite timely that R opened the trunks. We intend to keep some sheets for us, and for people who visit and some for the stiching classes and send the rest to La. Maybe there will still be enough to generally give away.

R and Rc are bantering int he kitching. Waiting for some sense of satisfactiong and lcarity i stick onto the word doc. Inspite of raging hunger and the smell and sight of mangoes.

Ok thats it. Today is this. Just observe it. Guilts. Nothing to do. Just watch.

I entered. I apologize if i pushed it. I have sense that i may have. Or treated it casually.

I ask for forgiveness. And i forgive. As a student would.

I leave now. To return wiser tomorrow.

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