#i was gonna make this it's own post but its 6am and my brain stopped working

[whitexdove]

A boop for both Umbra and Pryna-

And then he leans in and boops Rufus.

Umbra and Pryna take the action with a little confusion, but overall acceptance. Umbra's ears flick and she just... stares. Pryna leans her massive head back and stares, but otherwise does nothing. They're large and imposing figures, but they're behaved.

Rufus, however, seems the most confused. His eyes briefly widen and his expression betrays every emotion. He always was bad about letting his guard down with his turks. rufus blinks a few times, scrunching up his nose.

"why did you do that?"

#i was gonna make this it's own post but its 6am and my brain stopped working #& || it's physically impossible to have regrets if you're dead ( answered. ) #shinrascomputer

[marvellouslymadmim]

Hey! Aspiring fanfic writer here; I was wondering if you could talk a bit about your writing/editing process and how long it all takes.

Thanks!

Welp, roughly the same extremely long amount of time it takes to actually answer an ask, tbh 🙃

So...I only know how my brain works, and I can only tell you what works for me might not work for you, and that's OK. I'm breaking into two separate bits, because I almost never do writing and editing at the same time.

And as far as a timeline, honestly it just depends. On life factors, what my hormones are doing at the time (jfc like the week before my period, I have zero creativity, motivation, or attention span), if I'm having trouble with a particular scene, if I'm getting consistent positive feedback (yes, I can totally admit that I write faster when I know a particular reviewer is following along with every update), etc.

WRITING:

First, you gotta just...be fixated, I guess. Particularly if it's an AU, I sit with it for a long time before I ever write a word. I go over scenes, think about how the world changes, what stays the same, what *has* to stay the same to keep the characters true to their canon personalities. I sit with the characters for a long time, too--not just the main characters, but the supporting cast, too. In order to predict someone's future, you have to know their past. Most of our present actions are actually reactions to past events, when you think about it. The better you know your version of the character, the easier every other aspect of writing will be. I don't know how it is for other people, but I don't ever "feel" like I'm writing. I feel like I'm "witnessing", and the characters are simply doing whatever they wish. (***this is gonna be a thing during the editing process, too, so hang on to that)

Then once I have a general idea, I choose a title. Generally, I do not even start a word document until I have a proper title to put on it. The title is part of the theme and aesthetic to me, and it grounds me in the overall arc.

Once that's done, it's time for outlining. I generally wait until I feel this weird almost tingling in my left arm (weirder still bc I'm right handed) and I'm practically vibrating with a need to WRITE THIS STORY NOW. Then I put on some Bear McCreary (honestly, any videogame soundtrack will do, as they are literally designed to help you maintain focus and keep pace) and fucking go to town. For me, it helps to do this with pen and paper, so that I can go back up and squiggle little notes in the margin, rearrange the order, etc, far faster than I could on a computer.

Important note: the outline is not the end-all be-all. Some things don't make it to the final print. Some minor storylines get tossed or characters simply...take a different path than I expect. I will continue re-writing and updating the outline as I go along. On average, I usually have 5-8 outlines per story, and they're often 3-10 pages long. I also have a posted outline, which is a log of all the scenes that did make it to the final product. 

Then, it's the actual writing, at long last. I have found that I write best at the start of my day, before the noise and static of daily life comes in. So I wake up around 5am and spend 90minutes writing before beginning my workday routine. I have the Word app on my phone and may continue adding bits in throughout the day at work, if I get a moment. However, after 5pm my brain is usually fried and no more creativity happens. On weekends, I try to have one morning where I "sleep in" til 6am, and then write until at least 10am, sometimes 2pm, if I can get away with it.

The hardest part still is knowing when to transition and when to skip to the next chapter/scene/whatever. This is like...zero percent helpful, but I liken it to Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart's definition of pornography: "I know it when I see it." It may seem like a scene is circling, and sometimes it means you gotta leave the room a bit earlier bc the scene has already served its purpose. Other times, it means ya gotta stay with it a bit longer, because there's something the character is trying to say. Give them patience, and give yourself patience, too. Explore the scene and its dynamics. You won't know til you know and even then, sometimes you won't be entirely sure. That's ok, too. Part of the process. Remember editing will happen and you can decide then (hell, you can literally re-edit after it's been published, I've done that before too and added a note on the next chapter for any readers who might have read the first version 🤷🏻‍♀️ not ideal but still functional).

EDITING:

I do simple edits (spelling, grammar, etc) just about every morning as I reread what I wrote the day before, which is a refresher course for the day's writing session. But big "real" editing generally doesn't happen until right before posting.

Now, here's the ***issue from writing: sometimes, something just "doesn't work" in a scene. Again, you'll know it when you see it. The words a character is saying feels clunky. The pacing feels off. Something just...ain't right. More often than not, it means either I haven't truly sat with a character long enough to know their true motivations/backstory, or I am not giving characters the proper time/space/impediment to make the actions or say the things they're currently making/saying. I'm trying to force the flow, rather than letting it ebb and breathe when it needs to.

Absolute ProTip: You spent HOURS writing this scene. It's got some REALLY GOOD moments and lines in it. It doesn't work but you can't just delete it. It's your LIFE. I struggle with this A LOT, and I have found a solution: create a second "outtakes" document to cut and paste those scenes into. Sometimes I still keep moments or bits of dialog. Sometimes I later use bits in a later scene. Sometimes I never look at it again but I still feel secure in knowing that if I wanted to go back and use the original scene instead, I totally can. I don't think I've actually ever gone back to the original, tbh, but it reduced my anxiety about deleting the scene and starting over.

So back to the scene that doesn't work. I take it apart, figure out *at what exact point* it stops working, then work back up a few lines to see where the shift actually begins. More often than not, it's because I'm having characters express their feelings in ways they actually wouldn't. (people very very very rarely actually say what they're thinking/feeling, and you have to relay it in other ways). So I have to keep the internal monologue of what they're actually feeling/thinking, while figuring out how that actually translates via tone, body language, and what they do and don't say.

The "something ain't working stage" can take LITERAL WEEKS. I sometimes have to walk away for awhile, or tackle it only on days when I know I have hours upon hours to truly work on it. I keep circling back around, and eventually, the knot works itself out. Persistence, and insistence that "good enough" isn't actually good enough, are key. (this is why you have to fixated on the story you want to tell--because some days, it's going to take every ounce of that obsession to keep you going and keep you on the track of telling the story you wanted to tell, rather than settling or switching to an easier tack)

Sometimes, editing is a breeze. I don't change much, I may go a little more into the character's inner world here or there. Once you've been doing this for awhile, you'll just know when a story hits all its marks--and you'll also know when it's not, when it could be more or do more, and you can figure out how to get it there. There isn't a precise formula for it, it's more like cooking without an actual recipe to follow--a dash here, a bit there, you'll know it when you taste it.

And I'll leave you with this unsolicited bit: just write. Write often, write about everything, write what makes YOU passionate and happy, and absolutely write for yourself. Edit the fuck out of it, if you need to. Get a beta reader, if you need to. Get someone to just bounce ideas off, if you need to. And don't post it until you're truly ready and it's something you genuinely want to share. If someone gives constructive criticism, take in on the chin and move on (keep the notes, if you think they're valid, and toss em if you don't--you'll never be everyone's style of writer, so know that sometimes, people just won't be the target audience). Know that you'll grow and you'll learn and you'll find your own voice and like any skill, you'll develop a second nature about it--all those parts where I say "you'll know it when you see it" or "you'll feel it" absolutely come from spending a literal lifetime (28 years) writing stories, and thirteen years of writing fanfic in particular. It's ok if you don't see it or feel it right away. It takes practice. And you will have an audience at every skill level, no matter what (finding that audience? different story altogether...).

All totaled, this process can take anywhere from 3months to over a year. Stories are like children, I've found: they each develop at their own pace, and some may need more time and assistance than others. But they're still pretty wonderful. (except the bratty stories. they're the worst 🙄)

#thanks anon! #asks #writing asks #writing reference #i guess? #i hope it helps!! #fic writing

[tirednotflirting]

and we'd both stay out until the morning light

realizing i never posted this to tumblr. oops. ~vaguely~ inspired by 1973 by james blunt, an absolutely bitchin song i must say. and this piece was for miss helen aka @calumcest‘s bday approx one week and change ago. i went off a lil about my love and appreciation for her and our friendship in the ao3 a/n but the gist of it all is that helen is so so full of love and light and beautiful beautiful words and i’m so stupid thankful that this mess of a world brought us together. helen, if u see this, i love you to absolute pieces and i hope u are well x

you can find this here on ao3 if you wanna read there

Michael doesn’t consider himself to be great at much. He’s young, and making mistakes and having to try again is still his standard. He kind of likes that, though. He likes that his practicality in most things is seen as maturity and not a necessary default setting. He likes how his mom is proud when he learns how to cook a new vegetable or how to get a stain out of something. But he’s also comforted by the idea that it’s not irresponsible (or too much so, at least) when he throws caution to the wind and goes on some wild adventure with his friends or on his own. That it’s okay if he doesn’t know the word for something or has to google how to fill out a form because he’s still learning. Michael likes observing, learning about how he should be moving about the world.

That evening, something in the air feels electric. What exactly it is, Michael isn’t really sure, but it has him buzzing with anticipation for something. There’s a humming in the air around his apartment weaving around him like a ribbon but it’s moving too fast for him to latch onto. But for some reason, he doesn’t find it unsettling. He’s finishing up the dishes from dinner when the soft music playing from the speaker in his kitchen is interrupted with his ringtone.

He wipes his wet hands off before reaching into his back pocket. The screen shows a familiar picture, one always guaranteed to bring a smile to his face. He swipes his thumb across the glass and hits the speaker button. “Hi, Calum.”

“Come out with me tonight.”

His smile widens as he sets the phone on the island behind him so he can return to his drying rack. “Are we celebrating something?”

“Just being young and alive and in this gorgeous place and in love.” He can hear a dreamy tone to Calum’s words, evidence that he’s already begun a solo pregame.

“All about the dramatics tonight, are we?”

Calum huffs in a mock frustration. “We can’t let this place eat us alive, Mikey. Come out and dance with me.”

Michael sighs with a smile still pulling at his lips. He can practically hear the twinkle in Calum’s eyes that he tends to get when batting his eyes at Michael as he begs him to live a little. He thinks of the lunch he’s meant to attend with his advisor the following afternoon, of the novel and glass of wine sitting on his coffee table that he had set out for his quiet Saturday night in. But then he hears a quiet please, babe? across the line and rolls his eyes affectionately while placing the measuring cups back into their drawer. 

Maybe he’s meant to go on an adventure tonight. To observe, to see something new.

“I’ll be at yours in half an hour.”

*

Michael has never really liked clubs. He’s always found the environment to be one that bounces his brain between a place of numbness and overstimulation like his mind is a ping-pong ball. The duality of cocktails filled to the brim with liquor but also sugar only heightens the feeling. He prefers bright lights and sounds in a more controlled environment, like his computer screen or a movie theatre.

But Michael really likes Calum. And Calum likes clubs. So it’s fairly often that he finds himself with some brightly-colored drink in one hand and Calum grasping his other as he gets dragged through one of the night clubs near Calum’s new place.

The electric feeling in the air shifts with Michael’s change in setting. As Calum pulls him across the dance floor toward the bar for another drink, he senses it again, but in a different tone than he had felt in his apartment. Now it’s the beams of light passing between each of the bright, flashing bulbs high above their heads. It’s the energy swerving between the chattering, glittery people at the bar and the bass pumping below his feet. It’s Calum’s breathy laugh in his ear and the touch of his lips against Michael’s neck as he asks him if he wants something new to hold in his free hand.

Calum jumps up onto a stool at the bar as they wait for their next round and he pulls Michael to stand between his legs, his arms thrown lazily around his neck as he babbles through some story about some band that came into the studio that day. Michael loves watching Calum tell a story, his expressions adding their own layer of humor to the tale as Michael catches the rolling or widening of his eyes between flashes of colored light. Soon enough a couple more glasses are placed in front of them and Calum is reaching into his pocket for a few bills to pass back to the bartender before sliding down to the floor and pulling Michael back into the crowd.

Neither of them can dance to save their lives but that never stops Calum. He bounces around as Michael laughs and copies the movement. The liquid in their cups threatens to slosh to the floor or onto their shirts with each incredibly ungraceful swing of their hips.

“How is it,” Calum says between pants into Michael’s ear while wrapping an arm around his waist to pull him close, “that we’re out nearly every weekend and we still look like dads trying to dance every time we get out here?”

Michael shakes his head, the liquor in his cup starting to take its effects as he giggles against Calum’s cheek. “We’re musicians. One day when we make it big we’ll be too busy playing our instruments on stage to dance around. It would be a waste of time to learn to move any different than this.”

Calum’s smile shines bright through a laugh as he spins them around following Michael’s comment. “God, what are we going to do when our friends start getting married? We’ll be a disaster.” He pauses to take a sip of the concoction he’s ordered most recently. “Luke and Ashton are probably gonna threaten to kick us out if we move from our seats at their reception some day.”

“That’s how we’ll convince Ashton’s cheap ass to get the open bar. We’re far more agreeable when drunk.”

“Cheers to that.” Calum mockingly raises his cup and knocks it against Michael’s. 

The song changes then, the volume of the crowd rising with the song as the familiarity hits everyone’s ears and minds. Calum’s face bursts into a grin and his arms tighten around Michael’s neck to pull him closer to his chest. “Mm, love this song.” Calum pauses to sing along to the chorus. “Think I love you also.”

Michael blinks his eyes open, not having realized that they were closed. He watches light bounce around them and a drunken blush paint across Calum’s cheeks and nose. He’s had too much to drink to think too hard about it but really he’s never not questioning how he got so lucky. He lets his lips press against Calum’s nose, the rosiness in his own cheeks surely spreading when he catches Calum’s giggle through the music. “Love you too, Cal.”

They dance and sing for what feels like both hours and seconds. The mix of light and sound and those damn cocktails Calum keeps buying make Michael feel light like the confetti that starts flying around the room at some point in the night. He lost track of the number of nights they’ve had like this a long time ago, the center of glittering, happy chaos being a place Calum loves to frequent. He’d follow Calum anywhere, including to a mindless and seemingly pointless celebration like tonight. Michael knows he’ll go anywhere so long as he gets to keep watching the way Calum’s eyes and smile sparkle when even the faintest light hits his face. 

He’s watching it then, practically being blinded by it all, he thinks, when Calum catches Michael’s hand and pulls him back in for another dance.

*

They end up at the beach.

Their phones died ages ago but as the sun just barely begins to peek out from the ocean horizon, Michael figures it’s around 6am. They’re both still giggling and blushing at each other like mad as they strip off their socks and shoes and stumble toward the ocean. Michael isn’t even sure what he’s drunk off of anymore but whether it's Calum or the cocktails, he doesn’t really seem to care. 

Calum gasps at the temperature of the water as they let the little waves crash against their ankles, and he shuffles closer to Michael. He leans into Michael’s shoulder, lips pressing gently against his neck as Michael wraps an arm around his waist. 

The morning sunlight is just barely beginning to ripple over the dark water as they stand in silence, their breaths just barely audible over the waves. Normally seeing the ocean without the sun high up in the sky scares the hell out of Michael; hell, the ocean in general usually frightens him. It’s so unknown, and Michael doesn’t like being so close to something so vast and mysterious. It’s why he can’t think about space too hard most of the time either. He feels safe, though, and secure, standing there with Calum. He’s always wondering if it’s too early to think that way about the boy standing pressed against his side.

Eventually Calum lifts his head and grabs Michael’s hand, weaving their fingers together as he walks them back from the water just a bit before planting himself in the sand. “We’re watching the sunrise from here,” Calum explains to Michael’s confused eyes. Michael nods his understanding and drops down beside him.

“This city scares the hell out of me sometimes,” Calum says with a sigh, his fingers still dancing with Michael’s. “Like it always feels like I’m doing too much and not enough all at the same time. And then I get so stuck on figuring that out that I do nothing. There’s so many creatives here that the air feels like it’s filled with thoughts and ideas and dreams all the time. It’s so damn loud, you know?”

Michael nods, though the way Calum speaks he can’t really tell if he’s actually speaking to him or not. He considers asking but then Calum starts up speaking again, his crinkling eyes still facing out toward the water. 

“But then I come here and it’s like the tide kind of pulls all of that away. This is the only place where LA gets quiet, I think. It’s why I like to come out here.” 

Michael sticks his legs out in front of him and digs his bare feet into the sand as he ponders how to respond to Calum. “I get what you mean,” he starts as he drops his free hand against the cool sand and draws swirls with his finger. “I think this is the first time I haven’t been surrounded by people in a while.”

Calum’s head drops to Michael’s shoulder again and turns away from the water as he nestles his face into his neck. “Mali suggested coming out here after I’d had a bad day at the studio and you and the guys were all busy or something. Said it was her favorite place to gather up her own thoughts when she was trying out living here.”

As he drops Calum’s hand to let his hand reach up to tangle with the dark curls at the back of his neck, Michael lets the importance of this place, of Calum bringing him here settle over them. There are very few things that Calum keeps to himself, this spot apparently having been one until that morning. “Thank you for sharing this place with me. It’s a beautiful spot.”

He feels Calum shake his head just a little, his arm moving to wrap around Michael’s waist as his fingers play with the hem of his shirt. “Of course. I wanna share everything with you.”

The electric buzz Michael has felt around him the whole night settles with him and Calum out on the beach. Now it skips across the gentle waves that grow bluer with each passing minute as the sun rises. It blinks with the light from the street lamps back at the road as they go back and forth on whether or not it is time for them to say their daily goodbye as dawn turns to morning. Its final act, Michael senses, is the shock he gets as Calum straightens up and gently lifts his hand to the back of Michael's neck, causing him to turn as brown eyes meet green for just the briefest moment before their eyes flutter shut while their lips meet. 

*

“And that’s when I knew that he was my soulmate, ya know?” Michael says, his smile widening as he watches Calum’s eyes sparkle, tears threatening to fall from his dark lashes. “Because we should have been falling over ourselves with exhaustion at that point but I had never felt so awake in my life. I never wanted to sleep again because I never wanted to stop looking at him.”

A single tear does fall, racing down Calum’s cheek, and Michael lifts his hand from Calum’s grasp to gently wipe it away. “Anyway,” he laughs with a sniffle, his eyes pulling from Calum’s to face the room filled with their family and friends. “Thank you all for putting up with my nostalgia and thank you for coming to help us celebrate today. Enjoy the reception.”

The music picks up once people finish their brief clapping and Michael sits down again while he watches people around the room begin to rise and walk in the direction of the cakes and the bar. His eyes follow Luke and Ashton as they wander in the direction of Calum’s parents and sister, presumably to say hello again. Ashton’s eyes briefly meet his own and Michael laughs quietly as he watches Ashton’s left eye drop into a wink. They share the look for only a moment because then Luke is dragging him along and a hand dropping to Michael’s thigh pulls him back.

“I really liked that night,” Calum mumbles against Michael’s neck, his lips pressing just below his ear. “Liked hearing you tell the story of it even more.” 

Michael can’t help his laughter as a smile pulls at his cheeks. “Listen, there are very few stories of nights out that I can tell in front of our parents. Had to go digging through my journals to really settle on one.”

“You were journaling about me already back in the day? That’s so sweet.”

“Back in the day?” Michael questions as he sits up to meet his husband’s (the thought of the word alone bringing butterflies swarming into his stomach) eyes. “That was like four years ago, Cal. We’re too young for anything to be ‘back in the day’ yet.”

Calum’s face softens at his words, his hand lifting from Michael’s lap to cup his cheek, his thumb running across his cheekbone. “I can’t wait to grow old with you.”

He lets out a sigh while Michael blushes at him in response to the declaration. Calum leans forward to brush their lips together before rising, his empty glass in hand in need of a refill. Michael watches him wander through the crowd, shaking hands and exchanging smiles and kind words with every guest he passes while approaching the bar. None of it feels real yet, Michael thinks. Though it’s been less than two hours since they said I do so he figures he’s allowed a little longer to just be in awe of the fact that he’s got someone to spend the rest of forever traipsing through life with and that that someone is Calum.

And Michael still doesn’t consider himself to be great at much. He’s still young and can’t hold his liquor and can only really cook maybe three vegetables. But Michael is great at loving Calum and being loved by Calum. And maybe, for now, that’s enough. Michael finds himself thinking on that as he takes another sip from his own glass and gazes out to where Calum stands speaking to a friend and their partner. His cheeks warm as the three of them turn to look at him, a fond look resting against Calum’s face as their eyes meet. The ring on his left hand glitters in the light as he lifts it to gesture for Michael to join him.

Yeah, this is definitely enough.

*

#malum #malum fic #sorry im posting this so late oh my god #i am a dummy but im real proud of this lil piece so i am taking the time to post this here as well while a bit drunk #so

[comicteaparty]

January 6th-January 12th, 2020 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from January 6th, 2020 to January 12th, 2020.  The chat focused on The Demon Archives by Daniel Sharp (Author) and Sebastian Piriz (Artist).

Featured Comment:

Chat:

Comic Tea Party

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on The Demon Archives by Daniel Sharp (Author) and Sebastian Piriz (Artist)~! (https://demonarchives.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PDT), so keep checking back for more! You have until January 12th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. Who do you think Konstantin Yakovlevich’s benefactor is and what is their goal? Why exactly are they having him build death bots? Overall, do you think Konstantin’s choices to team up with them have done more good or bad for his community?

DaemonDan (The Demon Archives)

(oh hey, this is me)

Comic Tea Party

QUESTION 3. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 4. Do you think that Viktor will be able to recover from his brain damage as Tenzin did, or is it a lost cause? Regardless of which you deem most likely, how do you think that will affect him and those around him?

Comic Tea Party

QUESTION 5. What has been your favorite illustration in the comic so far? What specifically about it do you like?

QUESTION 6. What moment of Tenzin’s PTSD stuck out to you, and why? What do you think this story shows us in regards to PTSD’s affects and the path it takes to heal? Ultimately, do you think Tenzin can overcome his PTSD?

RebelVampire

1) My favorite scene is probably when Jane and Viktor forcibly stop Tenzin from going out as the bait. It is a heart wrenching scene watching Tenzin being forced to stand idly by while the others take the risk for him. And I like that there is a mix too in whose side you should be on. Cause on the one hand, Jane and Viktor have logic on their side, but on the other hand I super empathize with Tenzin. And at the end, you wind up feeling angry, sad, and a slew of other emotions, and I think it really helps sell the scene. 2) I don't have enough evidence to make a good theory on who the benefactor is. However, I do feel the factions who are attacking Minerva are involved. It's just a little too convenient that they're suddenly attacking on the eve of Aegis taking a massive hit. Someone there knows something. As for the benefactor's goal, I assume domination. Cause this is really the only reason you build death bots, is when you want to murder a bunch of people and take over. I feel like Konstantin's choices have been more of a mixed bag then one way or another. There's a lot of "what ifs." Like, if he had rejected the offer, what would've happened without the supplies? Or "what if" he had rejected the offer, and everyone was killed because they were going to take things by force? At the end of the day, while I might think his choices have probably done more bad in the long term, there was probably no good that would've come from the situation regardless. Either way would've had bad results, which is really the shit thing about the world sometimes.

3) My favorite character at the moment is probably Tenzin. I really just like how he's this imperfect character. He cares deeply about people, but at the same time can be a major asshole. But at the same time you understand why he's an asshole cause he's dealing with a lot of bullshit and trauma. So all around, he's just this interesting and complicated character that I enjoy exploring. 4) I feel like Viktor's fate may be more bittersweet. Like maybe they'll be able to recover his brain somewhat to a degree that he won't be catatonic. However, I don't feel that he will ever recover as well as Tenzin, and probably be bed/wheel chair ridden for the rest of his days. Not to mention the obvious mental trauma he's gonna have to live through which is a whole other horrible topic. I feel anything less than a full recovery is gonna 1) cause everyone to lose some hope and 2) send Tenzin into a reckless rage where he just wanted to murder the enemy three times overkill. And that attitude will inevitably alienate him until the others can talk sense into him again. However, I think it will really force him to maybe address how he feels personally responsible for Viktor's condition, so maybe he can get some help. Maybe.

RebelVampire

5) My fave illustration is definitely this page https://demonarchives.com/chapter-4-page-18-shattered/ This is just the perfect use of exaggerated, distorted lensing to express both the horror and grief going on. Plus with the beautiful addition of the montage in a circular composition, everything is just tied together really well and puts you in the head space. 6) The moment of Tenzin's PTSD that stuck out to me the most was more just the overall fact/idea that his own reliving of the trauma was slowly killing him. I kind of feel like this was a direct, physical consequence of what trauma feels like it. Cause no matter how many years you put between yourself and certain traumas, you will always remember them clear as day. And if you're not careful, you can get lost in them and relive them over and over and over. So I kind of feel like this representation really caught that. As for whether Tenzin can overcome it, yes. But I think it will take years and not something we will see 100% until like...and epilogue chapter or something. Especially cause Tenzin is in a situation that is only going to bring more and more trauma. I do not expect him to get over anything anytime soon.

snuffysam

All right, a bit of catching up to do. 1) My favorite scene was the one where Jane first inserts herself into Tenzin's mind. It was a big moment that showed that no, she isn't just a cold, calculating machine. She really cares about Tenzin, and she doesn't want to be responsible for any more pain. 2) I think either Oculus is straight-up the benefactor (creating discord to give themselves more power in Minerva), or whoever is the benefactor is also controlling Oculus. Like, there's clearly something fishy going on there. 3) My favorite character is Jane. I just really like how... human she feels, and how she cares for others. Sometimes, I'm not sure if she's actually calculating all of the tactics she says, or if she's making some of the numbers up so she can act like she isn't clouded by emotions (e.g. giving higher priority to protecting Tenzin).

RebelVampire

@snuffysam I'm more in the line that Oculus is in control of the benefactor. Cause your henchmen don't have such menacing and vague replies unless they're working for someone else and using you. https://demonarchives.com/chapter-12-after-credits-4/

Comic Tea Party

QUESTION 7. Which characters do you enjoy seeing interact the most? What about their dynamic interests you?

QUESTION 8. What do you think Commander Kubek of Aegis and President Smith of Oculus are up to (if anything)? What role do either of them have with the current attack and sabotage going on with Minerva?

Comic Tea Party

QUESTION 9. What sorts of art or story details have you noticed in the way the comic is crafted that you think deserves attention?

QUESTION 10. What do you think the attack on Minerva has to do with the APERs? Also, why do you think Jane and Tenzin are now deemed the biggest threat, and how will that affect the people around them?

RebelVampire

7) I probably enjoy seeing Tenzin and Jane interact the most of the characters. I feel they have the most interesting relationship since its this weird mix of being close and being antagonistic towards each other. But I also like seeing how the two kind of challenge each other in different ways and force each other to grow as people. So everytime they interact, I know one of them is gonna change in some small way, and who doesn't love character growth? 8) While I don't think President Smith is the big bad behind everything, I do think he helped the enemy in some regard and potentially manipulated things to make Aegis look even worse than they did. All in an effort to gain more power and steer diplomacy in a way he thinks is best. Meanwhile, I feel the Commander is using Tenzin somehow to ruin Smith's attempts at power. However, I also think he could care less about the actual stakes. I really think he's being driven by his own desire of power and keeping things squarely with Aegis. So in the end, I think together they're making everything worse because neither cares about protecting Minerva as much as they should, and that the attack and sabotage are made worse because they're solely focused on their own duel for influence.

9) I've really enjoyed all the little details in the world building. Like how people are getting essential things like food and water, how technology has adapted to suit the needs of the current state of the world, and even the small spiritual touches because of how dire everything is. Overall, there's just a lot of thought put both into the designs and additions here that really make the world feel all encompassing and like it's an actual place where people exist. 10) I do think the benefactor of the APERs has the factions under their thumb. So I think it was all an orchestrated thing to make sure Minerva's defenses were basically in shambles, thus vulnerable to attack. And the APERs were created to make domination easier since so far Tenzin and Jane have been the only effective force against them. As for why Tenzin and Jane are the biggest threat now, it's cause they're basic killing machines, but Tenzin and Jane have shown they can adapt as well to them. So of course, even if it's only two people, they're a threat to an easy path to takeover. Which sadly, I think they're gonna get people around them hurt and killed, cause collateral damage is a thing.

Comic Tea Party

QUESTION 11. What do you think are this particular comic’s strengths? What do you think makes this comic unique? Please elaborate.

QUESTION 12. What do you think the story shows us about the dangers of AIs? What about the potential humanity in AIs? In general, do you think AIs like Jane and SOPKA are more useful or more dangerous, and what is your reasoning?

Comic Tea Party

QUESTION 13. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

QUESTION 14. With Minerva behind them, what do you think Tenzin, Jane, and everyone else will ultimately do? Or, in other words, what do you think will happen to them on their journey for answers? Also, how will events in Minerva continue to affect them?

RebelVampire

11) I think this comic's strength is a combination of the tone and character writing. As I mentioned in an earlier answer regarding Tenzin not being all good or all bad, I kind of feel this is present throughout the story. Characters are forced to make difficult choices because of the circumstances, and in general, none of these choices are really that optimal. Someone is always going to get the short end of the stick, someone is always going to be mad, and so forth. However, I think this makes the setting feel uber real, because when it comes to survival situations like this, there usually aren't good choices. So in the end, the consequences in the story have real weight, both on a character level and on a political scale, and it just makes for a worthwhile read since bad stuff can and does generally happen. 12) I think the story shows us that AIs or any similar program aren't a universal bad or a universal good. In the end, the scenario in the society is one I feel is the most likely. Some AIs will go rogue, some will find a way to understand humanity and even respect and emulate human traits, and others will remain machines focused on the purpose they were programmed for. In the end, though, I think Jane kind of reminds us maybe its worth the risk, since AIs can be our allies if we respect them.

13) I am looking forward to Konstantin actually. Especially cause at this point, he surely feels like things are his fault. And when people feel like things are their fault, they tend to do desperate things to make up for it. So I'm interested to see how that situation plays out. 14) I think Tenzin, Jane, and everyone else will first find the source of the APERs i.e. SOPKA but then change motivations to find the benefactor when they learn the thread of corruption runs even deeper. Obviously, the whole way they're going to be fighting death machines, but I also think Oculus might get more and more involved. I feel like ultimately, their journey is going to make them question if Minerva is worth saving a bit. It's kind of easy to forget a place, whether it be a country, city, or even a village, is more than just the people in charge - especially when you aren't there any more. So murdering a specific person become synonymous with killing the whole place. Granted, I do feel eventually they'll remember the people, but I think at the very least, their eyes will forever be opened to how easily corruption springs up.

Comic Tea Party

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about The Demon Archives this week! Please also give a special thank you to Daniel Sharp (Author) and Sebastian Piriz (Artist) for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked The Demon Archives, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

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[bradedson]

How You Can Achieve a Step Change in Your Fitness Before Summer

Just 21 months ago I couldn’t have jogged 2 miles in under 20 minutes and now I can run 3 miles in 21 minutes or more to the point I can pretty easily run 7.5 miles in an hour.

I’m not super human and while I’m a decent athlete I wasn’t born with super genetics, extra doses of motivation or an unusual ability to tolerate suffering. I was in pretty good athletic shape until 35 but after kids, starting my own companies, travel and age I slowly lost the habit of working out enough to consider myself an athlete.

Starting in 2019 I unlocked the mindset and re-energized my inner-athlete. In fact, since the pandemic began I’ve only missed two days of exercise all year. I only point this out because I want you to understand that if I — of all people — could achieve this I know that you can. I literally weighed 70 pounds more just 21 months ago.

I promised to write about my fitness journey one day to try and help anybody else considering trying to get back into fitness. So here goes …

***********************

Every day is a one. Or a zero. You do or you don’t. It’s that simple. There’s really nothing else to it. The secret is how to make more days ones and fewer days zeros.

I know this seems like a fairly sophomoric graph but I draw it for a reason to illustrate a really simple point that I hope will be etched in your mind. The only thing that matters is “going.” You’ll have some good days and some bad days but just GOING is what makes it a habit. And you’ll seldom take the time to get dressed and get your ass going and then suddenly stop. Our brains have a funny way of kicking into gear and saying “well, I took the time to get my shoes on and my workout gear so I might as well finish this.”

Every single day I struggle with “the start.” That’s because the psychological switch of just saying “I don’t feel like it” is so easy to hit and you tap out. I’ve made a mental commitment to myself not to hit that switch. I know that if I can get over the hurdle of just STARTING I’ll be fine. After 21 months I know before I start that once I’m on the road and running or on the Peloton and grooving out to music I’ll not only be fine but I’ll be happy. I just have to start.

For every time I’ve had to roll out of bed and stare at the cold pool by my house and think about jumping into it knowing it’s going to be a shock — I can visualize how good I’ll feel by the fourth lap. I’ll be in “the zone.” This won’t happen in week or or even in ten weeks but it will happen if you make working out a daily habit.

In my next post I’ll share some ideas of how I took the “go every day” mentality and figured out how to “go hard” more days than not but even if I just do a walk one day in stead of running or biking — I still consider that a victory to my steady state of two years ago, which was, “I’m too tired.”

When you see a super fit person — let’s say just a Peloton instructor, a CrossFit enthusiast or perhaps a professional athlete you assume that they have something you don’t. A certain mindset and drive and commitment that you can’t muster. They’re somehow better than you. You’re a procrastinator or too lazy or not motivated enough and they’re just, well, stronger. Physically and mentally.

But it’s not true. At least the mental part.

As I’ve gotten to talk with and hear from super athletes over the past 2 years I’ve learned that they have the same daily struggle as we all do. Mentally convincing yourself to put on running shoes or biking shorts or a swimsuit and go out in the cold morning or the end of day treadmill is drudgery for everybody.

They have two advantages over you. First, they’ve made it a habit so making the micro-commitment to get started is easier for them than for you. It’s like flossing their teeth. Nobody WANTS to do it before they start but they know it’s going to be good for them. And second, they know that once they start it’s not only not as bad as one thinks it’s always going to be but after you develop the basic muscle structure it’s actually an uplifting endorphin rush.

tl/dr Overview

You only have five basic tasks to get fit. It really is this straightforward.

Commit yourself mentally and don’t make excuses

Set realistic goals for yourself and measure progress

Plan your workout routines in advance so you build around them and don’t flake. Prioritize your workouts. Combine them with social activities in stead of meeting for food or alcohol.

Make working out a habit. It doesn’t matter how hard you go as much as it matters the consistency with which you go

Go

Here are the details ….

1. Make the mental commitment

There is no plan I can give you that will help you upgrade your fitness routine if you’re not mentally committed. There are too many excuses you can make and I’ve heard them all from the un-committed. I didn’t sleep well last night. I have a sore ankle. I have too much work on my plate. I can’t work out when I travel. I know these excuses well. Listen, if the President of the United States can work out every morning (at least W, Obama and Biden have) then you have no excuses.

So if you want to improve and are ready to throw out excuses it gets a whole lot easier.

2. Be realistic

When I started in 2019 many of my days were long walks. I started with a calorie target — I wanted to burn at least 750 calories / day as measured on my Apple Watch. As I improved my fitness I started on the Peloton a few days / week. I started with just 20 minutes / session. Then I moved to 30, then 45. After 5 months I could do an hour. After a year I could do 90 minutes or more. It was really just about consistency.

After 6 months of improving my fitness and losing weight (which is about eating less, not working out more) I was able to start jogging. I started with 20 minutes on my treadmill then moved to 30 minutes on the street and then 45 minutes. Only after a year was I really into distance running on a regular basis.

Start small. Just go. One, not zero. Don’t beat yourself up for any bad day or low effort, congratulate yourself for going. But also be realistic about your needs for improvement. If you reach homeostasis, where your body is accustomed to the same workout all the time you stop improving. So set goals for yourself for modest improvements or occasions “harder days” or adding new routines.

3. Make a forward plan

Last minute spontaneous exercise is really hard. It’s hard because it takes too long to think about “what exercise could I do” and “do I have the right gear” and then you waste too much time getting up the mental energy to work out so you think “I’m too hungry. It’s 7.30pm. I’ll just eat and go tomorrow.” Yup. Been there.

I try to eye my calendar at the start of a week and make a plan. Here’s an example from my week this week:

Monday’s are full days for me so mornings are usually out. I had a construction guy coming to my house at 5:30pm and I figured he’d stay for an hour maximum. It’s spring and the sun is out in LA until 7:30pm so I knew I had time to run. I made sure I had my gear already on when he came and my earphones were charged. He left around 6:40pm and soon after I was out the door on a 5.2 mile run. Home by 7:45pm in time to make the boys dinner and eat a sweaty meal with them and Jerry Seinfeld.

Tuesday I had hoped to work out in the morning but an LP from the Middle East asked for a call and given time zones 7:30am was the best time so once he asked I mentally switched gears and told myself I would run later in the day. My son had a soccer game early evening and he’s a senior in high school so I wanted to see his first home game if I could. So I made sure I was in my running gear when my last Zoom call ended and I raced to get a 30-minute treadmill run in, put on a hat, sweats and a mask(and deodorant!) and raced to the car to catch the game.

Wednesday and Thursday were the only days in the week I knew I could swim and in the Covid world you have to pre-book way in advance so I booked 7am Wed (this morning!) and 8am Thursday. I pack my swimming backpack the night before so that I can race out the door. I’m not gonna lie — it was earlier than I wanted to go but this was the only open slot this morning. In a pre-Covid world I used to have to go at 6am so I knew that mentally I could make it work. Honestly, I shouldn’t be blogging right now — I should be in bed so I get a good night’s sleep but I’ve put this off long enough. But I WILL NOT flake on going tomorrow morning. My Strava community knows that!

Friday I’m booked all morning so it’s going to have to be afternoon. I still don’t know what I’ll do but I’ll have a plan by tomorrow afternoon.

Saturday I pre-booked a hike for 7.30am with a friend who has super young toddlers. I usually prefer 8.30am on the weekends but sometimes you gotta be flexible for others! I love combining weekend hikes with social occasions and/or people with whom I work. My family sleeps in any ways so be planning early I get it out of the way.

Saturday and Sunday afternoons I always play tennis with my teenage boys. I don’t actually count this as my “workout” — I still will hold myself accountable for a Sunday jog, Peloton or hike. But if I feel more tired or fatigued I know that an hour of tennis is truly a good cardio routine on its own if I want.

I tell you all this to show you that literally every week is like this for me. I eye the week, I make a tentative plan and I do my best to stick to the plan.

4. Make it a habit and gamify yourself

You can accomplish anything that you choose to prioritize and make a habit. You need to set small, achievable goals. You need to commit to doing it a little bit every day (or at least frequently) and record your progress. You need to hold yourself accountable and better yet have the community to cheer you on.

I decided late last year that I wanted to massively increase my French skills. So I committed to a daily habit on DuoLingo. You wake up 5 minutes later and suddenly you’re at 125 straight days! When I started it seemed like a mountain. I’m now more than 4 months in of not missing a single day. I now have committed to 3 days / week of video discussions on italki with native French speakers. It’s super fucking intimidating but after 6 weeks I’m feeling more comfortable every time. Small. Daily. Habits. With consistency.

Consistency > Duration of workout > Effort fo workout.

Ones, not zeros.

Don’t believe me? Here’s my March Strava totals.

And then there are my Peloton streaks. I once told myself I wanted to do 60 straight days of biking on Peloton so I set a goal and off I went. I knew I didn’t care if that streak continued because I like going outside but it was fun to have a goal and hold myself to it. I helped me to avoid excuses. And I’m religiously protecting my weekly streak on Peloton (I’m now at 75) and I want to hit 2 years (104 weeks).

5. Go. And be accountable to that.

It’s that simple. If it’s 6pm and you haven’t exercised go for a walk. If you have indoor equipment go on a stationary bike or lift weights or do yoga. Sometimes I can’t fit it in before dinner so I eat at 6pm and workout at 8pm. I hate doing that and try really hard not to. It lessens my sleep. And it’s a grind. But if it’s 8pm and my punishment for not finding the time earlier to go is that I need to do 30 minutes at 8pm? I’m going. Because the first time I make an excuse to skip then it gets easier then next time.

Now, I know people will be thinking “you’re supposed to rest one day / week.” True, true. But if you feel that way then just at least walk on your off day. For me? Cross training is enough that I can go 360+ days / year and not get injured.

If you’re intrinsically motivated then just keep a log of your workouts and hold yourself accountable to a plan. Write down your workouts. The best way is on Strava but there are a bunch of other products or tools — heck you can even keep track of it on Google Sheets (which is how I track my pushup challenges).

But most of us are not intrinsically motivated we’re extrinsically motivated meaning we find more motivation in not letting others down or having others hold us accountable. That’s the beauty of things like Strava or Peloton. You can share your workouts with a community. Sometimes I’ll send a screen grab of a hard effort to my brothers so that I know that somebody else is watching! It’s all just a form of accountability.

Summary

If you want to get fit there is a straightforward plan:

Commit yourself mentally and don’t make excuses

Set realistic goals for yourself and measure progress

Plan your workout routines in advance so you build around them and don’t flake. Prioritize your workouts. Combine them with social activities in stead of meeting for food or alcohol.

Make working out a habit. It doesn’t matter how hard you go as much as it matters the consistency with which you go

Go

How You Can Achieve a Step Change in Your Fitness Before Summer was originally published in Both Sides of the Table on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

from Both Sides of the Table - Medium https://bothsidesofthetable.com/how-you-can-achieve-a-step-change-in-your-fitness-before-summer-829cedd551ef?source=rss----97f98e5df342---4 via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Both Sides of the Table - Medium

[bitsfordays]

Work Visits

Another part to my nurseydex children series! Ive offically deemed this Au “Things That Stop You Dreaming” and it can be found on AO3 under that title!

Enjoy Addy being cute af, plus an introduction to Bella! 

(pst, i posted this in two parts on AO3 but yall will get it all in one bc im lazy)

“Daddy, are we there?”

Derek sighed and looked at his daughter for probably the seventh time in the last 10 minutes he's been driving. This was the seventh time she asked.

“Addison, I know you have the route to the rink memorized, so I know that you know that we are literally in the arena parking lot. You don't have to antagonize me.”

Addison gave what could only be described as a shit-eating grin from her spot in the back seat. She swung her legs happily. “I know Daddy, but Papa says that I should mess with you more often. He says its funny”

Derek was going to kill his husband.

He pulled into one of the parking spots reserved for players families and shut off the car. He turned around so he could make proper eye contact with his daughter.

“Okay Addison, Papa is playing against Uncle Jack tonight. Uncle Bitty was in town already for his book tour and so he brought Bella with him and we’ll be sitting with them in the family section. Do you remember the rules for when Uncle Jack plays against Papa?”

“Boo when Papa gets checked but don't cheer if someone on Uncle Jacks team gets checked, unless it's by Papa.” Addison explained neatly.

“Anything else?”Derek prompted.

“Don't curse?”

Derek couldn't help but laugh. Addison had learned her fair share of curse words, despite only being 6 years old. It's what happened when a child had an uncle whose name was literally Shitty.

“Not quite, lovely but that's a good one. I was actually going for ‘don't heckle Uncle Jack.’ He needs to stay concentrated on the game ”

“Oh.” Addison shrugged her little shoulders. “I can do that. Can we go inside now?”

Derek laughed. “Yes, Addy. We can.”

They got out of the car and made their way inside, not even bothering to wave their passes at the security guards, who they knew by name and had for years now. They went to their seats in the family section, directly behind the glass and found their family already there.

“Bella!” Addison tore her hand from Derek's and ran to greet her best friend/pseudo-cousin. They hugged tightly in the way that only young kids could.

Bella was a year older than Addison but that didn't stop them from being as thick as thieves. They lived three hours apart so they didn't see each other often but they adored each other just the same. Bella was more soft spoken than Addison was,

“Nursey!” Bitty grinned and pulled Derek into a tight hug.

“Hey Bits.” Derek laughed and hugged the other man back, just as tight. “How was the book tour?”

“Oh, you would not believe...”Bitty launched into a story about his time touring for his newest cookbook and Derek let his thoughts drift as Bitty rambled on.

“Oh, there they are!” Bella interrupted her father, pointing down at the ice as the players skated on for warm ups.

Jack and Will  were both easy to spot. Even from under his helmet, Will’s ginger hair was easy to spot, just as Jacks distinctive blue eyes were easy to spot behind his face guard.

“Papa!” Addison jumped up and down in front of the glass and waved her arms furiously. “Papa! Papa, over here!”

Derek could see Will’s grin from the other side of the ice. Will waved at his daughter, who waved back energetically. Derek could see Jack’s shoulders shake as he laughed and saw Jacks mouth move in some chirp. Will grinned and said something back before they skated their separate ways to warm up with their teams.

Addison kept waving her arms, trying to catch her father's attention again until Derek had to put a stop to it. “Add,let Papa warm up in peace. You dont want to throw him off his game, do you?”

“Its preseason, Daddy, it doesn't effect the season.” Addison responded, not looking away from the ice. Bitty chuckled from his seat.

“Addison. Leave him be until after the game, okay? Then you can harass him as much as you want.”

“Fiiiiiineeeee.” Addison backed away from the glass and sat down between Derek and Bella with a pout but Derek couldn't help but chuckle. There were times where he wanted to do the same thing.

Addison kept pouting and Derek took pity on her. “Hey Addy, how about you tell Uncle Bitty how your skating classes have been going? Im sure he would love to hear about them.”

Addison perked up immediately and Derek smiled.

This was going to be a good evening.

Rangers beat the Falconers 4-3, with Dex getting the game winning goal at the end of the 3rd period. Jack clapped Will on the shoulder during the handshaking and from the stands, Derek could see him say something and Will laughed before they both went on to shake more hands.  

They met Dex outside of the Rangers locker room. He was sweaty and gross but he still beamed when he saw his husband and daughter. It made Dereks heart do flips, the same way it did when they met in college.

“Papa!” Addison tore her hand from Dereks and did a flying leap towards her father. Will dropped his hockey bag to open his arms as his daughter slammed into his chest. “Hi Papa! You played really good tonight!”

“Thanks baby.” Will hugged her tightly. “Did you enjoy watching the game with Uncle Bitty and Bella?”

“Yeah! Did you know Bella is taking figure skating classes? Im gonna have her show me all the stuff shes learning there and Ill teach her everything Im learning in my hockey skating class!”

“Thats wonderful, Addy-Girl.” Will smiled. He set her down and looked over at Derek. “Hey babe. Did you enjoy the game?”

“You know I did.” Derek smiled and kissed Will on the cheek. “Nice check on Jack during the 2nd. Had him rattled for a second there.”

Will shrugged. “He got me back in the 3rd, twice as hard. I felt my brain rattle.”

Derek frowned. “How's your head?”

“It's fine, Der. They got me all checked out and I'm fine.”

“Good. I like you better with your brain intact.”

“Same.”

“Quit being gross!” Addison jabbed Will in the leg to get his attention.

“Ow, Addison. That's not how you get people's attention.” Will chided.

“Sorry. Can we go see Uncle Jack and Bitty and Bella now?” Addison said.

“Sure. Lead the way.” Derek said.

Addison lead them around to the visitors lockers, just in time to run into Jack, Bitty and Bella, who was currently asleep on Jacks back.

“Nice game, Cap.” Derek said with a smirk.

Jack sighed. “I havent been your captain in over a decade, Nurse. Please stop.”

“Ah, but you were the best one Ive ever had. Sorry Bits.”

Bitty and Jack both rolled their eyes.

“We would love to stay and chat with you two but we gotta get headed towards the airport.” Bitty said. “Especially since Bells already asleep. Shes been up since 6am with me and is just bone tired.”                                                             

“Okay Bits. We’ll see you in a few weeks for the Falconers home opener. Wanna get dinner before hand, while our husbands do their thing?”

“Sure. We’ll see you then. Have a safe flight you three.”

“See yall later!”

The Zimmermann-Bittles walked away, leaving the Poindexter-Nurses on their own. Addison tugged on Dereks hand. “Are we gonna go home now?”

Will grabbed Addison's free hand and smiled. “Yes, Addy-Girl. Home for now.”

“Okay.” Addison gave a tired smile. “It was a good game, Papa.”

“Thanks baby.”

Together, the three of them left the area at the end of another good day.

Derek Poindexter-Nurse hates writing. Its difficult, its time consuming and tedious to do. He hates writing with an undeniable, fiery passion.

Which is why he does it for a living. Obviously.

When it comes to writing, Derek’s been lucky. Hot got published only a few years after college and he quickly made it onto the bestseller list. He has hordes of teenage fans who would probably commit many crimes if he asked them to, all of them clamoring for another installment, another book, another bonus story, another anything. He could give them a five hundred word shit stain and most of them would probably be content. Literally anything.

Which is of course, how Derek found himself holding down the ‘H’ key for ten minutes, thumping his head continuously on his desk, as if that will make the ideas come faster. Usually when Derek gets into a slump like this, he just goes and talks to Will but its early May and the Stanley Cup playoffs are looming in front of the Rangers, so Will’s at practice and will be for another four hours, meaning that Derek is stuck stewing in his own mind indefinitely.

Indefinitely doesnt last for long. Dereks stewing is interrupted by a knock on his study door and it being pushed open to reveal Addison in all of her 13 year old glory.

“Are you okay Dad?” Addison said, looking at her father with a mixture of concern and vague disgust.

“No.” Derek sighed. He thumped his head aginst the wood again.

“Um..” Addison walkedd ina nd leaned against the desk where Derkes head currently was. “Maybe stop hitting your head against the desk? I dont think getting a concussion would be very good for you. Besides, Papa’s gotten enough for the both of you.”

Derek leveled a glare at his daughter but he lifted his head off the desk and sat up. He rubbed the red mark on his forehead. “Ive gotten my fair share of concussions too, ya know. I did play hockey for a lot time.”

“I know, I know, all im saying is that Papa had a concussion like, a month ago. “ Addison shrugged. “So his might be a little more relevant.”

It was true. Will had gotten a harsh check and was out of the game for a while because of it. It was rough on all three of them, just as it always was whenever Will got hurt during games. It always made Derek worry, usually about how much longer Will could play in the NHL or if they should continue letting Addison play in her junior league. It sent his head in swirls and him and Bitty and Caitlin have spent hours talking about the stress of being married to three of the top players in the NHL. And Derek knew that their children have had similar conversations about being the children of NHL stars.

“Dad? Hello?” Addison waved her hand in front of Derek's face to get his attention. “You still with me or did you actually give yourself self a concussion? Do I need to drive you to the hospital?”

“You can't drive yet, Addison. You're 13.”

“I know but I figured that if you had a concussion you would let me try anyways.” Addison grinned.

“And that's where you're wrong.”  

“Worth a shot. So what's wrong?”

Derek let out a long sigh. “Writing is hard, Addy. Don't do it. It isn't a viable career. “

“I mean, it wasnt on my list. I was more thinking hockey.”

“Huh?” Derek stared at his daughter and his heart thumped extra hard. “Really?”

“Well, yeah.” Addison shrugged. “Its what makes sense and I like it a lot. Is there…..something wrong with that?”

Derek let out a breath. The idea of his daughter, his pride and joy, one of the two most important people in his life, playing a dangerous game that both him and his husband loved made him feel nauseous. He knew first hand how dangerous the game was and while he knew that Addison took after her fathers in her love for the game, part of Derek wished that she didnt.

“Just..be careful.” Derek said carefully. He didnt want to admit to her how much it scared him. “You have time to decide. Most kids your age have no idea what they want to do. But, me and Papa will support you no matter what, okay?”

“Okay Daddy.” Addison leaned over and hugged him tightly. Derek hugged her back, putting all of his concerns and hopes into that hug.

“So, how can I help you get past your writing block right now?” Addison asked, pulling away from the hug.

Derek glanced at his laptop, which was just showing a word document full with the letter “H”. An idea tickled at the back of his brain. Something about an over-do meeting between a main character and their parent. A nice conversation about fears. Derek grinned

“You've already have.”

#nurseydex #zimbits #future fic #kid fic #AU:Things That Stop You Dreaming #my writing #hockey screams

[aquarianlights]

OKAY FINALLY....HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. I’M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG AND SO LATE. FUCK.

((C/Ped this from a FB post, so there may be a few...not understandable things here, but for the most part, you'll get what I'm saying. Tried to edit it to fit a generalized linguistic standard, so to speak. Idk. I tried. Here you go.))

OKAY Now that I'm finally not entirely exhausted and am not ready to jump off a bridge (yet), I am gonna fucking type this up coz everyone is asking me what's going on and I can't keep up with y'all. Damn. Okay, so. . .

The past two weeks have been fucking...awful. Literally the worst two weeks of my life I had ever had. It began with me doing something VERY illegal and my mom figuring it out when I didn't think it would happen the way it did. In fact, for someone who has a catastrophic thinking problem, I'm surprised this scenario did not enter my mind at any moment.

It was the moment I said "Wow. I really am a drug addict." I mean, I've known I was an addict for literally years but after what I did, I just couldn't even...I mean, this is something I could have gone to prison for life or double life for. So it kinda just...woke me up and I was like "fuck" but I kept going anyways and then I ran out of pills and everything else and didn't know what to do. . . which is precisely the moment my mom had found out what I had done.

Bad timing.

So she blocks me in the basement with her car so that I can't use my car. And it's been YEARS of me saying to my father "Can I PLEASE buy my car from you so I have legal ownership?" Every day. . .same response. . . "Yeah, of course! Just let me get around to it." Like...this goes on for like...since maybe 2013? 4ish years later...my mom starts holding it over my head. "The car isn't even legally yours so if you take it anywhere, I will just call the police and tell them you stole it." Well I couldn't anyways because she blocked me in with her car. The only way I could have driven it was directly off the mountain cliff and over the edge, which I was considering, but felt too scared that I might hurt an animal in the process since it's all forest and trees and such where I am and our neighbours down the road have free-roam dogs. So despite the fact I would have LOVED to have just gunned the accelerator off the edge of that cliff, I didn't.

Then they barricade me in my room and won't let me out. This isn't unusual. Normally they turn off the power to the basement and leave me down there. But this time they actually barricaded me in the ROOM and not just the basement. I had no water and no access to water. Or anything else. And then my mom would come pounding on my door and screaming and at one point she had my dad hold me down while she took every single one of my medications, including the most important one, my mood stabilizer, and ripped them out of my hands. So after that, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs and pulling my hair out and banging my head against the wall remembering "Only the head has pain receptors. The brain doesn't." Thinking maybe if I could just bash my skull in to the point of brains, then I wouldn't feel anything and could physically rip my brain out by pieces since I wouldn't be able to feel anything. But then my parents came downstairs obviously coz of the noise of me banging my head against the wall as hard as I could and I ran and pushed the couch in my room against the door and pushed the table against that and pushed the bed against that. Which ...minus a small triangular bureau thing by my bed, that's all the furniture in my room.

So...I couldn't get out or in for days. This was during a period of which my dad had just gotten out of the geriatric ward and my mom was dealing with his new weird habits and medication reactions. So obvs, I mean, I'M the one who barricaded myself in. Why should they deal with me? I get that.

I just...pulled the barricade out from my side and pushed on the other side for what felt like hours until it gave out. I grabbed my bag, put my laptop and notepad for school in it, chargers, phone, and left.

Now. . .if you've ever been up my mountain, you'll know it's a 10 minute DRIVE up there. Nah, fam, I walked all that. And then walked more...and more...and more...and there was no signal...anywhere...Idk how long I walked. But I was wearing odd clothing because nothing was clean obviously. I was wearing a sweater with nothing underneath and shorts and plaid shoes and I had lost my glasses so I didn't even have those. And I ended up somewhere on this road...Idk how far I went but I kept checking for service to text any friend to see if they would let me couch hop for one or two nights. But no. No signal. So I started walking back.

It was too hot. I laid down on the very edge of the pavement of this tiny, windy, backroad and I remember looking up at the trees and seeing the sun shine through the leaves and just...being in awe of the beauty. I went to take a picture of it with my phone but then I blacked out.

Somewhere during this time, a car almost hit me and left skid marks on the road which the police pointed out later. Idk if I was awake for that or not. But then I woke up to this really sweet mom and she had her van stopped beside me and she was holding me and shaking me and her little ...gradeschooler(??) age kid was like screaming at her like "IS HE ALIVE!?" or something. I'm not entirely sure what. Somewhere during that time, local 911 dispatch was called from my phone. Maybe I did it. Maybe she did. Idk. But local 911 dispatch works even when you don't have service, so. . .thank god for that? I guess. Maybe not. It probably would have been better if I had just been hit by a car and died, honestly.

Legit 3 ambulances and 1 cop car showed up. I was withdrawing really, really badly and I hadn't had any water in literal days and I obviously hadn't eaten in even longer than that. I was super dehydrated and malnourished and overexhausted, yet my stats were okay. Like, everything like my BP and temp and pulse checked out. My BP is chronically low and lowered even more by the BP med I take for migraines so it's obvious that it was a "little high, but normal". And my temp was not too high. And my pulse wasn't thready, which I had already checked myself to make sure I could just go to sleep on the road and wake up later after resting. The EMT's said I could go with them or not. And the cop said "You're 25. If you wanna walk away from me right now and keep walking down that road and go to sleep on the side of the road, I can't stop you. But by the skid marks on the road here (like I mentioned), I'm pretty sure you're going to get hit by a car. So..." I mean, well, if that's not my damn white privilege at its finest... But, anyways, I said "Yeah, y'know what, I'm just gonna keep walking." Then the cop pulls me aside and is like "No. I really don't think you should." And one of the EMTs knew my mom from when she worked at the same hospital he worked at and had been up to our house plenty of times. So he drove up to her house and brought her back because, yknow...no service. And I told the police and EMTs to just...lemme go from there. I didn't want police involved. Coz, as the officer said, "You're 25. You make your own decisions at this point in life." So I did.

I adamantly told my mother I wasn't going back with her and she was about to scream at me but then I threw up blood. Just...pure blood. And idk how I got to Asheville Memorial Trauma Center, but I did. They had a helipad. It was like being in a Grey's Anatomy episode coz they're a level 1 trauma center. Omg. So cool. They had all this fancy equipment like that green vein scan thingy where you run it over the AC or the hand and it just shows you where the veins are so you don't have to feel for them. It was fascinating.

I got stuck maybe 8 times, though. For blood draws and such. Coz my veins are small and they roll and I'm a very hard stick.

I don't remember much from the time I was there but we didn't leave until like...idk, idr, maybe 4am? We got home around 6am. Dad had locked us out of the house. The key was in view on the inside from the window and I was delirious and laughing while my mom was fuming angry and screaming for my dad to wake up and pounding on the door.

Something happened between this that I don't remember. Lots of black-out periods, obvs.

I slept. I withdrew. Hard. Lots of pain. This is day 5 of totally nothing and there's STILL lots of pain. Then the same thing happened. My mom barricaded my car in and took my meds from me and locked me in the basement. So I said...fuck it....and lied and said I had friends to stay with, even though I hadn't even contacted anyone at this point yet. Coz I figured that would make her let me leave if she knew a friend was involved. And she still wouldn't let me out unless I gave a full name, address, and telephone number. She kept saying this was all for "my safety". I couldn't handle it. I can't handle being in that house anyways. Anyone with depression will know that environment affects your moods VERY highly. So I was not only withdrawing from opiates, benzos, ambien, a BP med for migraines, but also cold turkey from my mood stabilizer. Like, I'm surprised I didn't die. I wish I would have. I have never been in so much pure physical and mental agony in my life.

I don't remember much of the next few days. And I don't remember how we came to an agreement, but my mom gave me my meds back and let me out and let me take my car. I was crying and screaming so hard because she told me if I didn't come home and stay home, she was going to take my dog to a kill shelter. And there was nothing I could do.

I went down somewhere in town on a backroad where no one would find me in the pure dark and called my old therapist. He recommended several good 7-day detox programs for me that also handle psych issues. Because rehabs won't take me due to my psych issues because they don't have the capability to handle psych medications.

I had somehow convinced my mom to let me sleep in my car that night. She had been screaming about how "Human beings DO NOT live in cars, Killian!" And such nonsense that typical cis white baby boomers babble about. I don't remember much of that night. But I ended up in a hotel somehow. Where I have been for the past few days. I went to volunteer, got that job, was about to go scrub shopping with my mom when the withdrawals just got too intense and I thought "My doctor is a former addict. Like. Everyone knows this. He SHOULD help me. Right?" Wrong.

We went to my doctor and he was literally screaming at me and pointing his pen in my face saying he wasn't going to be manipulated by a bipolar drug addict anymore. And I have NEVER been diagnosed bipolar. Ever. That has never come up even once except with him. I am most definitely NOT bipolar. And when I said that, he's like screaming at me that I'm definitely bipolar and that he's cutting me off of everything except my mood stabilizer and that I need to get in with a psychiatrist if I want my benzos back, which are what I need, and a neurologist if I want my BP meds back, and where the hell I'm going to find Ambien to sleep? Fuck.

AND THEN He starts yelling about how he's never had a case of costochondritis in his 30-something years of being a doctor and that I am lying about it. But my mom was in the room and she's like quietly shaking her head. Because I have been diagnosed three times now with costo. It's supposed to be short term. But mine is long term and that's where it gets confusing because costo has never really lasted this long in many people in the entire world so far. And he just screams at me that it's all psychological and that I have too many problems and that I'm never going to make it through school, so why am I even trying, and then says that I am probably going to be living in a state mental institution by the age of 30 or less.

I just walked out at this point. Thank god I had my car. I drove off. Drove. For a while. Got lost. Stopped at a rest stop and texted my platonic soul mate. I was ready to drive to New Orleans right then without anything at all. But I calmed down a bit after popping one of the few ativan or valium (Idr) I have left and came up with a better plan because even my therapist said "You're being dismissive of my help. I don't think you want my help. This is not going to end well." But no. I don't even care anymore. I'm going to get through this.

Got set up in a very cheap hotel near my volunteer shelter for 3 days to sort things out and come up with a plan. So I have been wracking my brain and doing SO much research and talking to so many friends about potential living arrangements. But nothing came up. I need to be in a city or heavily populated suburb because I cannot HANDLE being isolated and I cannot handle living by myself either.

So best friend and I eventually came up with a plan. Thank god her roommates are such wonderful people. I love them both so much.

The Tech school I can AFFORD to get into is in Asheville. And I want more hands on experience than the online world is giving me. I want to be able to dissect things and do actual venipuncture restraint positions on dogs bigger than me and I want to do all these things PHYSICALLY. I want HANDS-ON experience and I just...can't get a shadowing position in such a small town.

Problem being, if I leave NC for over a month, I lose my disability, SSI, EBT, and Medicaid. I could do without disability, SSI, and EBT...but I cannot afford my medications without Medicaid. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do while going to school because I only get about 650ish a month from my disability and about 50 from my SSI and 74 on my EBT which my parents use because I really don't eat coz of my anorexia and depression and anxiety combo. But my Medicaid pushes meds that are normally around 200-300 dollars out of pocket, even with discounts like GoodRx, pushes them all the way down to 3 dollars a piece. And my mood stabilizer is especially pricey. So Idk what I'm gonna do when I move in with someone in Asheville coz I will want to be focusing on school and shadowing/interning and volunteering and not have to worry about working, but then. . .I want to work, too. But only at a vet's office or somewhere that deals with medical things. I'm literally 1 class away from getting my vet transfer degree. But do you know why I started over from scratch? Because I can't handle the speech class which is the last and only class I need AND because this degree, albeit a fully accredited AA, is nothing more than a "Here. You have taken all the gen ed classes and a million extracurriculars and now you can use this degree to get into a vet tech school!" Which, I mean, is great, because I REALLY want to get into North Carolina Univeristy in Raleigh. . .that would be my ideal school for vet tech training in this state (not my ideal state, obvs...I hate the south and I want to live in Massachusetts, but it's too expensive). But. . .the in-state tuition is above 10k. I highly doubt any sort of financial aid would cover all of that, even with Pell Grants.

Yes, I realize that becoming a tech and then going for the full vet surgeon licensing is gonna put me in debt until long after I die and that I'm going to be paying back literal millions of dollars worth of loans for the rest of my life and beyond. But why go to a school like that for 10k when they have the same hands-on program at a fully accredited community college? I never even realized how much of a difference the community college price versus university price was. . .because I've had Florida Pre-Paid this whole time and haven't had to pay anything big yet and right now my loan paybacks are at about 1k-2k at the most. I just...would uh...to add a 10k on top of that... (for one semester)...and then another 10k (for one more semester)...then two more 10k's for the last two semesters....I don't know if I could do all that. And then I have to PAY to take three different tests and if I fail even one, all that training was for nothing. And of course, applications and records and SAT score retrieval all cost money, too. AND THIS IS JUST FOR TECH SCHOOL. NOT EVEN FULL VET LICENSING AND SURGICAL LICENSING. So despite NC State and Raleigh being my dream in this state. . .it's just not. . .I don't think it's a wise decision. So I'm aiming for Asheville.

Now. . .all my disability money and SSI will be going to rent and utilities and I'm totally willing to share my EBT with whatever roommate I end up with, but I will lose ALL of that if I start any kind of job. Even a min wage retail job. And I'm fine with that. I will work till it kills me to make rent and utilities and such. But it's the FUCKING MEDICAID. If I start working, I lose my Medicaid, too. ...and I can't afford my meds without it. So...I'm not sure what to do here. I don't have credit yet but if I were to GET a credit card and gain credit, it would immediately be awful because of all my medical debt and there's no coming back from that coz I just can't do it in this economy. Which is exactly why I have put off getting any sort of credit. For...my entire adult life.

But right now...my plan is...go to New Orleans with my three good friends. Stay there for 2 weeks-month tops, which they said is totally fine and I'm completely welcome. Not like we haven't done this before in opposite situations anyways. Lmao. We help each other as much as we can. Next step? Gain roommate in Asheville through several roommate matching sites I found. Move there. THEN work on getting into the college I want and transferring my online credits and all the credits from the two other colleges I'm in and transferring my SAT scores whilst attempting to find an internship or shadowing position. And after that? I'm really not sure. I don't have a plan from there. But my mom agreed to keep my double coat dog brushed, cleaned, updated on his shots, fed properly like I feed him (NO HUMAN FOOD DAMNIT), bathed, nails clipped, butt shaved, and get the anesthesia dentistry done he needs for the next 2 years while I get my life in order. It's going to literally kill me to be away from him like that. But she said if I am not "stable to her liking" in 2 years, she will put him in a kill shelter. So not only do I WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this. Because if that happened. . .that would be the absolute last straw at any chance I would have of recovery. That dog is my life. Hell, I have his name tattooed on my wrist. I spend every waking second with him and even these couple weeks of in and out of consciousness was hell without him. I was worried about him every goddamn second and I could hear him borking and howling upstairs while I was barricaded downstairs and it would just kill me. It was like I could physically feel my heart being stabbed.

Annnd....Idk how I'm going to find a roommate that will take in an asexual, polyamorous, panromantic, nerdy recluse like me with questionable future financial stability and no credit. But even if I have to live in my car to get through school, find a place, and get my dog with me, I'll do it. I'm HOPING I will find a roommate that likes me AND a vicious little (read: very large) neurotic pomeranian in tech school. Someone who ALSO has a dog or AT LEAST a cat so that my dog will not be lonely while I am gone all day. I don't want to have to take him in with me alone and then be gone literally all day and only see him for 2 seconds before falling asleep and getting the only interaction with him possible at feeding time and to briefly take him out to go potty. I don't want that for him. He needs more. He deserves more. At least, leaving him with my mom and dad, he will be safe and taken care of and will have his "sister" and the cats to play with and he can bork to his hearts content. And my dad is retired and my mom only works 4 days a week, so he will be walked every day and taken out appropriately and I made them sign a document stating they would do this for 2 years.

So...tomorrow...I am scouring Asheville, every surrounding town within a 15 mile radius, and one within a 20 mile radius, to see what everything looks like in person and make sure the areas are diversified and active and are NOT a small town or even close to a regular sized town, but much bigger and much more diversified than a goddamn southern town with a bunch of white deer hunting orange overlord voters and then I'm gonna make it back in time for the Discovery premiere (Trekkie thing) coz it will be legendary. Like...Kirk's premiere, kinda legendary. And then I'm gonna pack after that, cuddle with my dog all night, and...leave for New Orleans whenever I wake up if I manage to sleep. Or leave when I finally decide "Fuck it, I can't stay in bed any longer." And I'll say goodbye to my dog.....and...cry..a lot...and hug him and kiss him and take tons of pictures and oh god now I'm crying.

That's all just the basics, though. There has been a lot of other less major stuff going on that's getting to me but. . .I will be so goddamn happy to see my three friends that are taking me in that I think I'm gonna cry good tears when I get there.

It’s really hard to think straight when you’re withdrawing AND the most impulsive person in the world.

Just gotta say...I thought dealing with generalized anxiety without meds was hard. Nah...dealing with panic disorder without meds is impossible. I can't fucking do anything without having a mostly physical style panic attack every 2 goddamn seconds. Feels worse than withdrawals, honestly. I have a couple benzos left...but literally only like 2 ativan and maybe 5 valium? So...trying to save those for like...really hard moments like the first day of an internship or something. So I have a plan about that, too, and Idk if it’s going to work, but I am DONE writing right now.

THANK YOU GOODNIGHT.

#if you have questions just message me #i'm sorry this is so long and so late #ugh it took me like an hour to type up finally #and if i wasn't clear on something just ask #or if i made a discrepancy then please just message me and tell me coz i am half asleep rn #and also none of my memories are ever in chronological order soooo..... #sorry not sorry lol #anyways #i'm okay for now #i mean #technically #i'm NOT okay #but i WILL BE okay #i also have a handful of messages to still get to #i'm so sorry you guys #got my queue up to almost 100 again #but i'mma be awol for a while now #love you all #personal

[in-paradox-space]

very long rambly text post, you know the drill

you’ll get nothing out of reading it, you may as well scroll.

It’s fucking painful. 

I barely even know her

but I can’t stop thinking about her

I’ve met her once, I shouldn’t feel this way about her.

I can’t concentrate on anything.

I just really really want to be around her.

I miss her.

and its really fucking painful to think she probably just wanted to get away from me 

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

I need to work on improving my skills before college starts. I need to be able to pick myself up, eat the right foods, shower and sleep at the right times

I can’t. I can only think about her

and its weird. I have had crushes before, painful ones, for girls and guys.

and I’ve spent nights awake because of it

but this is making me really sad

to feel like I’ll never be with her and she’ll probably never approve of me

she probably thinks I’m really weird

and that I just want a hookup

because our mutual friends made it out like that before they invited her

and 

she’s a regular girl

I met her one night

and I don’t understand.

It would make sense for me to enjoy being around her and wanting to chill with her again

but it does not make sense that I feel like this

that she comes into my mind every single minute

and she makes it hard to focus on anything

I want to look at all the units on my course, and visualize how I can get the best grades in each one

I want to research some shit to buy 

I need to choose a good cheap bag to order from china or somewhere cheap

I can not concentrate on any of it. 

My mind is only interested in thinking of her

I’ve been waiting for a camera for weeks, it arrived today

I unboxed it. 

the tag and the plastic was still there

I need to format an SD Card and change the date/time settings

the box had the big bubble wrap 

why am I not excited? 

I don’t give a shit 

I don’t.

I only seem to care about her right now

and it feels like a drug craving

like im low

I need her to pick my serotonin up

and I think, relationships, crushes, love, affection, sex, all that shit

it kind of is like a drug 

not in a poetic way

but its basically the same release of chemicals in the brain

and you think about it every day

you look forward to it

and you feel highs and lows

pick me ups and comedowns

the rushes, the emotions

you change and shape your life to suit it, you make compromises

and its all for a release of the chemicals your brain creates

i know im not the first one to point this out

but im growing aware of it

and I’ve always been aware its just chemicals

an illusion, a distraction from what is important

and I know in reality it doesnt mean shit. I should move on and get on with whats important

but heres the thing

its making me low, because somewhere along the lines my serotonin or dopamine or one of those kind of things has been thrown off balance

and thats basically what happens when you want more cocaine, but it would be more extreme with cocaine of course

I want to see her again.

I dont want to ask my friends to invite her out again, its embarrassing that im interested

and i feel sort of uncomfortable knowing my friend fucked her that one time

i dont even care what we do

i just want to be around her

and i am well aware of how creepy this is 

considering i dont know her

and I spent one night with her

and if anyone spouted this shit to me, I’d think they were just being really dramatic

and they just wished they lived inside a movie

theres not really a pattern to when I think of her

and i find it so strange, because I really really dont know her

but I feel so strongly about her, like I would with a crush from high school

it just does not make sense, logically, to me.

but I will be thinking of anything and I’m suddenly overcome with this unique feeling

a reminder through my whole body

that I really really fucking like being around her

and I just want to be around her again

a feeling exactly like seriously craving a certain drug which you haven’t done for a day or so, but its less physical pain and more feeling emotion through a sense of weakness in your  body

 i wont tonight because i might not be thinking straight

but im considering just talking to my friend about it

and trying to see her again

and i want her to like me, but authenticity is important

but i wouldnt want them to set me up

and honestly i dont think she wants any of this

even if she did date me it’d probably be for 3 days and she’d move on

and she is the kind of girl I’d be friends with

but I really don’t consider people like her as anything more

she liked blink 182 and generic pop rock

i didnt even care about that

you can like whatever you like, but a part of my interest is usually dictated by that

i just liked her more

simply because I was learning more about her

and my god

I would fucking hate anybody who was talking like me right now

I will get over her. 

but for now I’m enjoying hearing her voice as I sleep

I think it happens to most people, it almost always happens to me after doing ecstasy 

the next few nights have mild hallucinations 

kind of abstract and psychedelic 

rarely scary but I have had very very fearful nights of paranoia a few days after in the past

they’re mainly voices

its like certain phrases keep being replayed in your ears over and over

not thought out but heard

like theyre really there

and you know theyre not there

but you feel as if these people are really around you

and youre in the same place

and you dont question it at all

you believe they are there

and its not imposing, it doesnt raise any questions. you’re physically in your bedroom but you look around, you hear them, youre really in the place you were the other night

and eventually when youre really drifting off

it becomes lucid visual

and you see them but you also dont

and its just certain things being replayed

and it has the potential to turn into a bad trip but its mostly pleasant and soothing

and I can still hear her voice

I still hear my friends and his girlfriends

but I hear hers too

I love it

I don’t want it to go away

I cant think of what she says

well theres one phrase

and again it makes absolutely no fucking sense

shes just a completely regular fucking girl, with her own interests and experiences

some we share. some we dont

and i met her fucking once, spent one night high with her. we didnt even kiss. hugged once

she didnt express any interest

didnt show any signs of it

and my heart feels fucking weak

and my body is released with, is it endorphins? 

it feels like when something release endorphins

an opiate effect.

im going to see her again

i wish my brain could take that in

so it will stop distracting me with thoughts of her at this crucial part of the year

the version of me from a year ago would feel disgusted by these posts

and I’m sorry, old me

I’ll always be me

probably

ill feel that same way about love again

i dont know what this is

i think im physically dependent on codeine again

and that might have influenced me being sick before

i took some when i got off the bus but it didnt change much

im going to go cold turkey anyway

i was planning on taking some at a gig but i begged kek, bargained to not be sick until im off the bus

and i made a sort of deal that i will sacrifice taking codeine at the gig

then bargained some more and said id stop

idk if it was them who helped me 

but a deal is a deal

and it will still be a fucking good show

would probably love it more if I was high though

im gonna have to forget that

and I feel sick again

im going to wash my hair and sleep

I started college today

I got up at 6am, and I would’ve made it on time but I was almost sick on the bus ride.

I didn’t want that to be my first impression so I went home.

I think it’s because of the weekend. I don’t take alcohol very well, even a little. Or cigarettes. I just get migraines from anything slightly unhealthy. 

I think its more of a delayed hangover/comedown though. 

If the pills are 200mg each, I did roughly 700-900mg of MDMA on over two different days.

I started one day, rested the next and continued the day after that.

to some thats a lot. 

To others it’s a milestone they’re way past. 

It’s the most I think I’ve done in that timeframe though though. 

I’m still very tired after sleeping through the afternoon and very weak. 

I want to make it tomorrow but I don’t think I will. 

It’s a shame. I want to ace the first project and make a good first impression. 

I told them I get ill a lot, they should understand but I think they’ll be suspicious that I just happen to be seriously ill on the first day

especially after talking about how much better I am compared to the start of the year in the interview

Now im going to think of a personal tag for her,

one memorable that isnt her name

#personal #relationships #feelings #i did some heavy drugs last night and im kind of fucked #her

[comicteaparty]

December 17th-December 23rd, 2018 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from December 17th, 2018 to December 23rd, 2018.  The chat focused on Lovespells by Ryan & Sage.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Lovespells by Ryan & Sage~! (http://lovespellscomic.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PST), so keep checking back for more! You have until December 23rd to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 3. Do you believe that Esther will eventually confess her feelings to Maria? What do you think it will take for that to happen given Ether’s shyness about it?

QUESTION 4. Given some further hints, do you believe Maria’s own feelings towards Esther are changing? How do you think Maria would react to a confession from Esther? Would a confession ruin their friendship?

snuffysam

only at the end of chapter 4, but loving it so far! here's my current answers... 1. definitely the scene at the end of chapter 4 where Maria asks Esther for more lessons/to hang out as friends. We already know what Maria's there for ahead of time, and I eat dramatic irony like that for breakfast. Also, the reactions of Maria's friends who see Esther's obvious crush. 2. Hmmmm Maria. She's this super cheesy knight type, and that's me babey.

3. Yes, and it will be an accident.

4. Just from what I've seen so far, Maria's feelings towards Esther have changed. The relationship started out super professional from Maria's point of view (Esther is just helping her level up her magic. strictly teacher/student) but now she sees Esther as a friend. At this point... I don't think Maria would find a new tutor after the confession like Esther thinks, she's too professional for that. But it may put a dent in their friendship if the feelings aren't reciprocated.

decademic

omg, blitzed through it again because I love these slow burn lesbians and their wonderful relationship~ honestly couldn't ask for more! the art's amazing, the story is paced so well, the panels honestly are on par with paranatural levels of forethought and care, just ooo! I love them!!! onto the questions... 1: oh gosh, I can barely choose! the first meeting, when Maria shows up at Esther's house with her friends and they see how oblivious Maria is, the critical hit scene...throw a dart, I love it. 2: I'm gonna have to say Esther, she's so relatable by nature, and her actions are so pure intentioned. the love potion instead of elixer moment was such a cute nod, I got heart eyes and pledged my soul immediately. 3: I want Esther to start to confess, but Maria stops her and confesses instead! cue teary eyes and a first real kiss~ 4: Maria needs to identify this feeling as love; real love, before anything in the relationship can move forward at all. therefore, there has to be some realization on Maria's side sooner than later to make it work. Esther would probably chicken out halfway through the confession and confuse them both, which is why I'm gunning for Maria to do it~

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. What do you think happened to Esther in the past that caused a healing spell to give her a permanent mana siphon? Do you believe Esther will reveal whatever happened to Maria? What might be the consequences of Esther telling her or keeping it secret?

decademic

gosh, good question...

so I guess 5: Esther hasn't been holding back, per se, about her affliction, she was upfront about it to the nurse, and has answered Maria's questions, so I don't think it's a 'secret', but more of a bit of backstory that may be a bit hard to relive. none of this answers the question of what the affliction is but I'm sure that'll be addressed, I'm sure of it

snuffysam

I don't think it's anything particularly sinister or mysterious, just, like... some uncommon disease. like magic polio.

though i suppose it either has to be something difficult to explain or something with a big stigma attached to it?

RebelVampire

QUESTION 6. Do you think we’ll see the paladin who scolded Maria at the tournament again? Why do you think he seemed particularly critical of Maria? What role might he have to play in Maria’s life (and Esther’s by association)?

RebelVampire

1) i really enjoyed the scene where maria was with her friends and referred to esther as lovely and all maria's friends are like O/////O. i enjoyed it not only for the significant character development maria is showing, but also the sheer comedy in how oblivious maria is to anything to do with love. 2) maria. i like her intense honesty that is balanced by her flawed obliviousness to a lot of the things around her. i think its a combination that makes her extremely endearing as a character. 3) i think the clock is ticking. esther is clearly terrible at hiding it and stuffing her feelings down. and i think one day maria is gonna be like "i love this thing" and esther is gonna be like "oh yeah i love that thing almost as much as i love you." like maybe not that exactly, but i dont think esther will overcome shyness. i think its gonna be a pure mortification accident moment cause esther will be lost in her own brain thoughts.

4) maria's feelings are definitely changing. no doubt about it. as for a reaction to esther's confession...honestly maria is so dense i wouldnt be surprised if she just could comprehend a love confession. gets told "i love you" and shes like "i love you too....youre a dear friend." once she realizes though, i kind of feel like shell...limbo turn down esther and tell esther shes not sure how she feels. then decide and couple will be created. as for ruining their friendship, eh, therell be tension maybe? not friendship ruining tho cause maria is just too nice for that. 5) I'm gonna assume that it was some sort of injury to be honest. cause esther did mention wanting to be an adventurer and i could see esther being overenthusiastic and trying something dangerous and winding up permanently injured because of it. or poisoned maybe. thats also an option. but regardless the curitive magic came with a price. i think esther will tell maria the full story someday, and i think it will bring her and maria closer. and consequently cause maria to get ultra defensive against those questioning esther's honor. 6) i do think we'll see that paladin again, and boy am i looking forward to it. i want to know more about him cause i think the dynamic hed have with maria would be awesome. i think as far as role goes, he might be the one to challenge how maria handles herself as a knight and her general love obliviousness. because maria's friends and esther all kind of either find it endearing, support her, or just accept that is part of her. whereas i think this paladin could be the one to ask her if she isnt hurting others by being so oblivious to love while constantly giving everything of herself. or something like that.

snuffysam

ok i'm caught up i'm not sure about the paladin. because yeah maria's friends aren't exactly helping move this relationship forward but... why would the paladin do any better? he just seems like a jerk to me.

maybe he shows up again and gives maria something extra to vent about to esther?

also, apparently his name is marcus? at least that's what the cast page seems to say, it's hard to tell without pictures lol

thisintermezzo

I co-write this comic and aklsjdkjhffjk it's so cool to see people actually seriously talk about it??? Thank you so much for this. We almost never get actual responses--which is pretty normal for most comics; feedback is just hard to get, haha--so this is super novel and hugely appreciated. If you want to ask me anything, please feel free. Otherwise, I'm just going to spectate here and there. (Also, now that I have Discord again, I can try to similarly contribute to chats about people's comics!!)

snuffysam

welcome! this is a really cute comic! if I may ask a question - what was originally on this page?: http://lovespellscomic.com/post/162477687227/hey-this-post-may-contain-adult-content-so-weve

it was after a bunch of guest comics so i'm guessing it was another guest comic? but tumblr deleted it so i have no idea

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. Do you believe Esther’s magic tutelage of Maria will pay off at a critical juncture at some point? How might Esther’s own skills change due to contact with Maria? How might their changing relationship affect their professional lives?

thisintermezzo

I can't tell, haha. I actually don't know what the page before that is, even, since the "back" button is gone. Tumblr is lame and didn't notify us of any of the flagged posts, so I have no clue what else has gotten randomly deleted. :U Tapas would have it all, though.

Thanks for letting us know, though! o/

RebelVampire

QUESTION 8. Do you think Maria’s friends will play a role in Esther and Maria’s budding relationship? If so, what role will they play and how might their own relationships with Maria change?

(the archive for the chat on Psychteria is up! @CalimonGraal https://comicteaparty.com/post/181287718835/december-10th-december-16th-2018-ctp-archive)

RebelVampire

@snuffysam sometimes strangers are more helpful than friends in certain contexts. cause friends can come with a lot of biases. but eh it was just a thought

7) I def hope esther's magic tutelage pays off. Though not sure when since the tournament seemed like the most dangerous thing to happen so far. but if maria goes on a mission for sure shes gonna be pulling out that crit move esther taught her and save the day. albeit alternatively i could also seeing it going the opposite. wherein maria tries and fails hardcore. and then esther has to hug and comfort her and tell maria its okay. as for esther's skills, i actually think any change is gonna be less related to magic and more esther is gonna learn like how to express her feelings better or something. but this is something i dont forsee happening until they get together. 8) i dont think the friends are gonna help. rather, i think after maria and esther get together maybe that theyre gonna hurt the relationship in a way. in that theyll get jelly of maria spending more and more time with esther. cause while maria sees esther a lot, theres clearly more freetime maria has she could spend with esther instead of her friends. and i could see maria doing that cause as nice as maria is, shes extremely inexperienced in this area. so i think shed put esther first way too hardcore at first and the friends would have to say whoa there hold your horses. i think at the end itll strengthen their bonds though cause itd give maria a better understanding of some of the experiences her friends have maybe. idk. im spitballing.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. If Esther and Maria do date, how do you believe that will go? What relationship obstacles might the two have to overcome in order to make their relationship work? How will the change affect the course of the story?

Delphina

Oh noooo, cute magical girl AND lawful good swordy girl having adorable crushes on each other. I might have to jump into this one.

1. My anime roots are showing, but I love a good "you don't have to refer to me with honorifics" scene. Also any time Maria carries sleepy Esther around is adorable.

2. Maria's hard not to like. I'm also a sucker for strong intense ladies who wanna do the right thing always.

I'm not so great with the speculation-type questions, but it's a great comic and I'm looking forward to what happens and hope that things go smoothly in both the romantic and magical arenas! The writing is very sweet and pure and the character designs and great environments complement them nicely. Really can tell there's a lot of love in this story!

RebelVampire

QUESTION 10. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

Delphina

I really enjoyed the part where Esther was explaining her sketches about adventuring to Maria. Esther has mostly been a reactive character - she gets orders and reacts, she's asked for help by Maria and she reacts, she sees some kids in trouble and she reacts, she gets low on MP and reacts. But that was the first time we saw what she wanted for herself, and how she views her role, and it really helped make her feel real and more proactive. I hope we see more of what Esther wants and who she is in the future!

RebelVampire

9) I think they'll have to deal with the usual relationship challenges. balancing work life, balancing other friendships, accepting that maybe they dont know each other as well as they think they might. but i think theyll manage. esther especially i think is gonna have to learn to be more open like how she was about her desire to be an adventurer. 10) I'm looking forward to seeing paladin returning and revealing why he's in this story in the first place and butting heads with maria. and then esther being "it's okay baby hes just a big ol' meanie"

snuffysam

i just really want to see more of the comic. it's super cute, the characters all lovable... i need more.

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Lovespells this week! Please also give a special thank you to Ryan & Sage for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Lovespells, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://lovespellscomic.com/

Ryan & Sage’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lovespells

Ryan & Sage’s Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/lovespells

Lovespells’ Twitter: https://twitter.com/lovespellscomic

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