#i'm gonna try driving myself to therapy today :)

[octoberclidan]

Desirable

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Request: Hey I love your writing! Can you write me a Dean story? Something along the lines of him liking her despite the physical impairments she has? She’s loves Dean but her physical issues make her feel like no one, especially Dean would have feelings for her? ( I actually have a rare disorder where I have a lot of spasticity in my stomach and legs and have to use a walker or crutches to walk. I feel like this most of the time unfortunately.

Masterlist

Story:

[Y/N]'s eyes fluttered open to find the ceiling of her room in the bunker. There was a banging on her door, which she figured was the reason she'd been woken from a pretty good dream. She sighed, and closed her eyes again, willing for the banging and the person causing it to to go away, and to sink back into the dream she'd been pulled from too early.

"If you don't answer in the next 10 seconds, I'm coming in", a deep voice sounded, muffled through the heavy wood of her door.

"Go away Dean". She called back. "I'm not in the mood today", she mumbled the last bit to herself. [Y/N] had good days, and she had bad days. There had been more bad days lately, and she knew that Dean knew it too. She'd been seriously hurt on a hunt just over a year previous when a wendigo had thrown her off a small cliff. She didn't really remember it, she'd been knocked unconscious as soon as she'd hit the ground, but she'd never forget the look on Dean's face when she'd woken up in the hospital three days later. He blamed himself, no matter how often she told him that it wasn't his fault. He'd had tears rolling down his cheeks as he told her that her spinal cord had been damaged. She'd only ever seen him that upset once before when he thought Sam had died again. He'd been trying to make it up to her ever since, and while she appreciated him wanting to help, the babying was just making her feel worse, like he didn't think she was capable of doing anything herself. He'd brought her to every physical therapy appointment for months, and while she'd made good progress over the first six months, she hadn't improved any more over the last six months. She figured where she was now, was the best she was going to get.

Her door opened, and she looked over to see Dean there, a tray of food in his hands. "Dean", she sighed, looking back up at the ceiling. "I told you to stop bringing me food, I can get my own if I want to". She nodded towards the pair of crutches beside her bed.

"I know, but you didn't leave your room at all yesterday. You need to eat". He walked over and set the food down on her desk before walking to the side of her bed and reaching out his hands. "C'mon, let's get you sitting up". She scoffed at him and ignored his hands.

"I don't need your help to sit up Dean, I can do that myself", she snapped at him but he kept his hands out.

"I know you can [Y/N], it's just that I also know that you won't. You've been laying in bed for days now, you're gonna end up undoing all that physical therapy if you don't get up and move around. You'll end up rotting that brain of yours too if you don't use it. Now c'mon, give me your hands". She glared up at him, but gave in and put her hands in his. He gently pulled her up and helped her back up against the headrest. Once he was happy with her position, he went back to the desk to grab the tray and brought it over to her bed. "Wanna go for a drive today? Baby hasn't been out much since the hunts have been quiet the last couple of weeks".

"Not really".

"You might feel better with some fresh air".

"Yeah, 'cause fresh air will fix me and make me walk properly again. Fresh air will make me a hunter again".

"Woah, where's all this coming from?" He raised his eyebrows at her and crossed his arms over his chest. "Since when are you not a hunter?"

"Are you serious? How can I be hunter like this?" She gestured towards her legs and then to the crutches.

"Would you have told Bobby that he wasn't a hunter anymore once he was in a wheelchair?" He frowned at her.

"No", she mumbled and looked down at the food, picking at it.

"Exactly", he sighed and ran his hand down his face before grabbing the chair at her desk and pulling it over to sit beside her. "Look, I hate what happened to you. You know I keep replaying it over and over in my head, all the ways that I could've stopped it, all the ways that I could've kept you safe".

"Dean-" She tried to stop him but he waved his hand at her.

"No, listen to me". He took a moment to take a breath and collect his thoughts. "What I'm saying is, you feel like you're not a hunter anymore, like people are looking at you differently now, like can't you can't do everything you used to do. And... yeah, some of that's true, there's stuff you can't do anymore. It sucks. But there's nothing wrong with feeling shit about that. I'm not asking you to ignore it and be positive all the time. If you need a day every now and again to feel sad about the things you can't do, or the things you now find hard, then you take that day. Just please let me be part of that day too. Let me be there for you. I don't give a shit if you cry into my flannel, I don't care if you wanna shout at me or rant until your voice is gone. I don't give a fuck if you need to break down in my arms. You need to feel. I know I'm the last person on the planet who should be giving out advice about feelings, and I'm sure Sam could do a hell of a lot better, but just... don't shut me out. I miss you". He reached out to gently squeeze her arm, not missing the tear that escaped her eye.

"You're still you. I still look at you the same, so does Sam. You're still a hunter. You're not less than you were before. We just need to figure out how to adapt to the change. That's something we'll do together, okay?" He smiled at her and she slowly nodded. "Okay. So, about that drive... what do you say? I'll buy us a pie". He winked at her and she giggled a little before wiping the tear from her face and smiling at him. "There she is". He grinned at her and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Get ready, I'll meet you in the garage". He stood up and put his chair back at the desk before grabbing the tray, giving her one last smile before heading out of the room. Dean wasn't one for chick-flick moments, so she appreciated the little speech he'd just given her. She took a deep breath and sighed before pushing her covers off and grabbing her crutches.

She made her way to the bathroom and caught a glance of herself in the mirror. She looked terrible. Dean was right, staying in bed for days wasn't doing her any good. She felt a bit embarrassed looking at herself knowing what Dean had just been looking at. She felt her heart drop a little; both Sam and Dean were her world. They were everything to her. Sam was like a brother, and Dean was her best friend. She'd always liked Dean as more than a friend, and she always thought that maybe their friendship could develop into something more, but ever since her injury, she'd tried her hardest to push those feelings away. Looking at herself in the mirror, holding herself up on her crutches, her hair tangled from not taking care of herself, she couldn't imagine anyone looking at her with desire. Especially Dean. Dean was extremely attractive, everyone knew it. He was strong, capable, tall, handsome, and on top of that, a good person who cared more than anyone she'd ever met. She shook her head at herself; she could never be a match for him, not now.

***

After she'd showered and gotten dressed, she'd met Dean out at the Impala and they'd taken off. The windows were rolled down while Dean's music played from the radio. It was warm out, and she forgot why she was sad as she closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the feeling of the breeze in her hair, the sun on her face, and Dean's quiet singing to her side. He drove them along long stretches of road for about forty minutes before he pulled into a little convenience store. He got out of the car but leaned in to look at her before closing his door. "You coming in or do you trust me to pick out the pie?"

She glanced back at her crutches which were lying on the back bench of the Impala, and she gave him a small smile. "You go ahead, I'll trust you".

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm hungry, so go hurry up". She gave him a more convincing smile and he nodded at her, closing the door and disappearing into the store. She slumped back into her seat, catching a glimpse of her crutches in the rear view mirror. Dean could just hop up and stroll into the store without a second thought, but with [Y/N], he'd have to wait for her to get her crutches out, and she knew that he'd keep checking on her the entire way around the store. She could imagine all of the scenarios he'd have in his head - what would they do if a demon showed up and decided to attack them? Did he think she'd be able to defend herself? Did he think she'd be able to get back to the car quickly enough? Did he think she'd lower their chances of winning a fight? Would she put him in danger by being there? Would he be embarrassed by her? The only way to stop herself from being hurt by finding out the answers to those questions, was to avoid that sort of situation from happening. So, she stayed in the car until he returned.

***

Dean nudged [Y/N]'s hand when he saw she hadn't touched her portion of the pie. They were back in the bunker, sitting on a couch in the Dean Cave with their slices of pie on their laps, their feet up on the coffee table in front of them, and the TV playing some old western that Dean had put on. "Hmm?" She looked up at him to see what he wanted.

"Did I pick the wrong pie?" He asked, and she looked down to see his plate empty.

"No, not at all, I guess I'm just distracted".

"Okay". Dean took his feet off the table and leaned over to put his plate down before angling himself to face her. "What's on your mind?"

"I don't really want to get into it. Can we just watch the movie?"

Dean hit pause and looked at her. "What happened in the movie in the last ten minutes?"

"What?"

"Tell me what happened in the movie over the last ten minutes".

"Uhh, I dunno, there were guns and horses?" She gave him a sheepish smile and he frowned at her.

"You haven't been watching it. C'mon, talk to me".

She sighed and took her feet down, leaning to put her plate down too before sitting back and facing Dean, wincing slightly at a twinge of pain that ran up through her lower back as she did so. "It's embarassing".

"It's me. I'm your best friend, there's nothing you can say that would make me think anything bad about you", he said.

"I just feel kinda stuck".

"Stuck?"

"Yeah. Like, I haven't been going out because I'm not really sure what the point is? I can't help on hunts. I know, you said I'm still a hunter, but I don't know how to hunt like this without being a danger to you and Sam".

"That's something we'll work on. We can start training tomorrow, see what works for you and what doesn't".

"Okay. Yeah, that would be good".

"What else?" She frowned at him. "Come on, what else? It's not just hunting that we go out for. You won't go to bars with us anymore, you wouldn't even come into the store with me earlier. What's stopping you there?"

"That's a little bit more embarrassing". She looked away but Dean reached to grab her hand, and he held it securely between his. He waited patiently while she took a shaky breath. She couldn't help it, his expression was so genuine she felt like she could say absolutely anything to him and he'd understand in that moment. "I don't feel desirable".

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, Dean, I'm serious. Have you ever been with someone like me?"

"Yeah", he shrugged. His response took her by surprise.

"Yeah?"

"Yep. Someone attractive, kind, brave, funny, who also so happened to be a bit different physically? Yeah, I've been with someone like that. She was awesome". His eyes drifted above her head for a split second, trapped in a fond memory before he shook his head and remembered who he was talking to. He cleared his throat and shifted slightly, keeping her hand in his as he continued talking. "I was only with her for one night, like with most women I hook up with. But that one night was pretty good" He smirked to himself before continuing on. "Are you really that self conscious about it? I mean, don't get me wrong, I get that it's a big thing to have to deal with, and it affects a big part of your life, but you're incredibly desirable [Y/N]".

She was quite taken aback by what Dean had just said to her, she didn't really know how to respond. All she could focus on was the warmth from his hands and the heat she felt on her cheeks. "Have you been with anyone since the wendigo?" He asked and she shook her head. "Why don't we go out somewhere tonight and I can be your wingman?" She felt a lump in her throat at this suggestion and looked down to her lap. So she was 'desirable', but not for Dean. She kicked herself for letting a little bit of hope build up when he'd inferred that he found her attractive. "Or... you could tell me if my feelings for you are reciprocated, and we could stay in and get to know each other a bit more... intimately". Her head snapped up at this, desperately trying to find the sign of a cruel joke in his face but there was none, his expression was still just as genuine as it had been at the beginning of the conversation. There was only the slightest hint of a smirk in his lips.

"What... what are you saying?"

"I'm saying, you're my best friend. You also happen to be a very pretty girl who I know could show me a good time. I'm asking if you feel the same way, and if you're up for a bit of fun". He smiled at her before reaching for her other hand, pulling them both down onto his lap and holding them firmly. "And not just for tonight". She finally smiled back at him, and he smiled wider knowing he put that smile there. He inched forward on the couch until their legs bumped against each other. He let go of her hands, leaving them in his lap and reached up to cup her jaw, his other hand landing on her thigh. "Can I kiss you?" He whispered.

"Yes". She surprised herself with her lack of hesitation, but in this moment there was no being self conscious, there was no worring or overthinking about anything. The only thing she could think of was the feeling of Dean's hand on her skin, his gaze focused on her lips, how he was so close she could feel his breath. It felt like a split second and an eternity all at once, but Dean's lips reached hers. They both melted into it, any doubt about the other's feelings disappearing into the air. She reached up to hold the side of his face, feeling his slight stubble before reaching farther and carding her fingers through the short hair at the top of his neck. He pulled back only slightly to move his nose to the other side of hers, wanting to experience the kiss as deeply as possible. She opened her mouth as soon as he licked at her lower lip, and the kiss grew deeper and deeper. She hadn't even registered that his hand had made its way from her thigh to under her shirt by the time they pulled away for air, Dean pecking her lips once more before opening his eyes. He leaned his forehead against hers as they both breathed deeply.

"I shouldn't have waited so long to do that". He shook his head and chuckled. "I'm going to kiss every part of you until you feel as desirable as you actually are to me". He leaned up and kissed her forehead before leaning to the side, grabbing her forgotten pie. "First though, you gotta try it, and it will make our next kiss even sweeter". He winked at her and she giggled as she took the plate from him. For the first time in over a year, she felt content. She felt desirable. Dean was going to show her just how desirable she was.

The end

Dean taglist: @123passwort @janineb86 @k-slla @lyarr24 @candy-coated-misery0731 @jackles010378 @hobby27 @angelwiththeshotgun @pizzagirlxnsfwx

#supernatural #dean winchester #supernatural fanfic #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester fanfic #dean winchester fluff #dean x reader #spn fanfic #spn fanfiction #dean winchester supernatural #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester comfort #spn comfort #supernatural comfort #comfort #supernatural fluff #dean fluff #spn reader insert #supernatural fic #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural imagine #spn fic #spn

[frecklystars]

OKAY.......... im gonna talk about my time at TFcon!!! This is the hardest thing I've had to do all year but it was part of my exposure therapy exercise and it was A HUGE STEP FORWARD!!! it didn't cure me of course and I'm still not touching TF for the time being, but I SURVIVED and I'm hoping that this means I am FINALLY able to take many more steps forward now!! because I did one of the hardest things ever in terms of exposure therapy this was HUGE FOR ME!!!! 🥳🥳🥳🎉🎉

I'm gonna gush mostly about the good parts like getting to meet my favorite artist (I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THAT BTW THEY WERE SO PRECIOUS) and meeting TFP Shockwave's voice actor (HE WAS SO NICE)!!!!! :D

So this started bc I offhandedly mentioned to my c-ptsd therapist/specialist that there's a TFcon happening a couple hours away and that I was so depressed about it, because I knew that if things turned out differently this year - if I had never met my abuser - I would have loved to go. It would have been a heavenly experience. It used to be my biggest source of comfort, especially for self shipping. Nothing has given me joy the way TF used to. I don't go a single day without feeling such a massive sense of loss, like a part of me is missing. So I was venting about that and it would weigh heavily on me more and more as the convention date approached closer

And my specialist said "...you should go" and I laughed. She stared at me. I paused... then said "oh, you're serious?"

I went back and forth on it for six weeks, finally I decided it would be good if I went because I literally can't make my association with TF worse at this point, and if this is supposed to help me get better, then uhhh sure I'll do it. I don't even want to hope to self ship into TF again, I'm not even dreaming that big, I just want to be able to stop flinching every time I see a goddamn fictional alien robot from the fictional planet Cybertron 😭😭 the BARE MINIMUM please lol

My specialist told me I should try to be there for 15 minutes, and if I can handle that, stretch it to 30. And I thought to myself, WOW, that seems like a lot of minutes. I can't even handle reading the word "transformers" on my worst days, or seeing a picture of a character without getting nauseous, but sure, let me go to a building full of characters... what could go wrong :)

My dad agreed to drive me and to be there with me while I'd be in the building bc he knew this was important to me. We needed to be awake by 7am bc it was a 2 and a half hour drive. I hardly slept; if I wasn't having a "F/O is trying to physically harm me" nightmare, I was stress vomiting. I kept saying "I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I have to work today, I haven't slept, I'm not going, this is so stupid of me, why do I think I can handle this??" but then I thought about how heavy my red energon necklace feels on me, how my autographs and cameos and experiences with the TF voice actors feels so numbing, how I can't even look at someone as sweet as Bumblebee without having this firm genuine belief that he'd want to kill me. and I thought about how much I hate... how different I am, how my greatest comfort was ripped away from me so violently, how I don't go a single day without crying over it -- and how I said I'd be willing to do anything, anything to change that. so I got in the car and I had my head between my knees the entire time just trying not to get sick

So we get to the building to check in our tickets, I'm seeing all of these people wearing TF cosplay and t-shirts. One person had a TFP Starscream figurine and I immediately got teary and needed to look away. A person standing in front of me in line had an Optimus backpack and I kept trying to do my grounding techniques, where i'm supposed to remind myself that I'm safe and that Optimus loves me and he wouldn't want anyone to hurt me etc etc but it's so unbelievable to me. But I had to keep repeating these dumb mantras in my head and then I hear these people behind me, talking so openly about how much they love Megatron -- and I thought to myself, that's so fucking surreal to me??? I forget what it feels like to be safe around these characters. Like, what do you mean you don't look at Megatron and think he'd kill you and do vile things to your body? What do you mean somebody didn't drill horrific thoughts into your head? Just me? I'm the only person here who genuinely, wholeheartedly believes that these characters would want to kill me? What do you mean you feel loved and safe? What does that feel like? What do you mean, you've never had someone show you repeatedly that you're so unworthy of basic respect, much less love? I don't know what safety feels like anymore. I'm never relaxed around ANY F/O now, regardless if they're TF or not. I've forgotten what it's like to be comfortable. It took me over a year to finally relax around my IRL friends that I've had for over a decade without having some sense of paranoia that I'd be betrayed (which is a c-ptsd symptom. woohoo)

So we get into the actual convention building, I immediately start getting weepy. There's, of course, robots everywhere. Posters, figurines, merch, whatever. Everywhere I turn, there's a trigger. I mean, obviously, I knew this. I was prepared. But I still felt like I was emotionally getting hit by a truck every time I turned my head. So I went to the corner of the room so I wouldn't be in anyone's way and I had to work on breathing. And I was just, crying and facing the wall, saying "dadddd there's transformers everywhere" and he smiles and says "uh yeah I'd hope so? it's the transformers convention we're not here to see a football game" LMAO

So then I just kept walking around feeling like I was gonna throw up. You gotta fake it til you make it. I just kept telling myself these characters would love me so much, even though I didn't believe it at all. We reached the back of the building where they had like... four writers and two voice actors? And I was reading the banners above the tables, and one of them said "David Sobolov: TF Prime: Shockwave; Bumblebee 2018: Blitzwing" and I was like HUH? and my dad, not knowing anything about TF, pointed at him and asked "oh is that an important guy?" I said "yeah that's a voice actor" and he said "oh that's huge! that's like a real actual voice actor? let's go say hi!" I said NOPE

Looking at the photo of Shockwave on the banner immediately made me nauseous. I was thinking, wow I'm gonna throw up right here right now on this Decepticon/Autobot-printed carpet, in front of all of these nice people who are having a good time. So I turned around and walked away, but I noticed my dad wasn't following me -- he went to David's table and he said "hey my daughter loves your work with trans... trons..." and I was like OH. NO so I speed-walked to the table and David gives me this big, friendly, sweet smile and says "hi Keri! so nice to meet you! your dad was just telling me about how you love transformers! do you like shockwave?" I smiled, lied through my fucking teeth saying "Yes. I. Love. Shockwave. :)"

And I'm seeing these pictures of Blitzwing and Bumblebee and I'm like, trying so hard not to cry in front of this very nice man who has much better things to do than talk to some messed up girl who can't look at fictional characters without thinking she's about to get sucker punched. I turned around, hoping to god someone would be standing behind me so I could tell them "hey, why don't you go first? I'm still deciding" BUT NO. NOBODY WAS THERE??? The one time I go to a convention where there's NO LINE. It's just me and David. And it was just me and David for several minutes. I should have been so overjoyed about that but I was just,,, feeling so physically ill. I kept saying to myself, when we're done with this interaction I'm leaving, we're driving home, I can't do this anymore.

And David was being so nice!!!! He was like, so smiley and joyful?? And he kept telling me fun facts about the Bumblebee movie but I don't remember ANY OF THEM because I was just nodding and smiling while thinking to myself "don't fucking throw up!!!" and then I looked at his price sheet on his table where he sells autographs and photos and stuff and I thought, oh my god I'll be so fucking rude if I don't buy something, because this dude just gave me like ten minutes of Bumblebee movie fun facts that I don't remember whatsoever. And I was stuttering so bad when I asked him to take a photo but he was so sweet about it. We took a photo... and before the photo was snapped, he used the Shockwave voice to say "Keri... you are... logical :)" and I thought to myself... oh. That... oh. I never... would have imagined Shockwave would say something like that to me. And then I felt so sad, because it's so unbelievable to me. I kept waiting for the catch, for something bad to happen - I don't even know what could have happened but I was so tense, waiting for something terrible to come.

I said thank you and we walked away. I told my dad "I'm gonna throw up" and I went to the nearest restroom and I was just, dry heaving and sweating but nothing was coming out. A few minutes afterward I walked back over to my dad and I said "okay let's leave, I'm done here, I'm DONE" and he said "it hasn't been 15 minutes yet. are you sure you want to leave" and I was like "shit!!!!!! no I paid $60 for this I'd better see this through. A few more minutes then"

So. I pass by a few booths and I'm barely glancing at them. I'm trying to breathe. I'm shaking profusely. I'm on the verge of tears. I'm not having a good time. I am full of grief. I miss these characters but I believe they'd hurt me. I miss feeling safe yet I don't remember what feeling safe used to be like. And then I see this very pink, very cute very precious shop display-- and I stopped in my tracks because OH MY GOD THAT'S MY FAVORITE ARTIST????? OUT IN THE WILD?????

My jaw was hanging open as I looked at their display. I've messaged this artist a couple of times, and they're always so sweet, and one thing in particular was that this is the first person I've ever commissioned in my life. They drew gorgeous StarKeri for me a couple of years ago. It's my favorite art I've ever received, it's so dear to me, and this person's shop is my favorite TF shop and back when I used to buy TF merch, I would buy just about every Starscream item they had every time they'd restock. so I was like... ok I can't just stand here and stare at the adorable stickers. I gotta say hi. I gotta thank them for the StarKeri bc it's so special to me. So I pointed at them and I was like "hey are you [artist]??" and they said yes and I fumbled for my phone, pulled up the StarKeri photo, I was like "YOU DREW THIS FOR ME, THANK YOU THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING" and they were like "KERI?!?!" and I was like holy shit they remember my name 😳😳 and they were like "can I give you a hug?!" I SAID OMFG YES PLEASE ILUSM 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and then we hugged and literally all of my anxiety/fear was completely thrown out the window. I felt so safe and comfortable and happy!!!! genuinely overjoyed!!!! and they were like "I'm so happy for you and Ken!!!!!!" it made my whole day sdlfkjsdlf and we chatted a little more and I kept thinking omg I can't believe this is happening. and I felt so good!!!! that whole time!!! (artist... u know who you are, if you're reading this, hi, i love u, im so happy to meet u, im going to message you when i get the free chance, you made my day ilusm. exploding into confetti as i type this)

and I was just SHAKING I was so excited to meet them. they're just as cute and sweet and precious IRL as their art is 😭😭💞💓💗💖💕💓💕 and I bought two items because I thought... it's okay... these items, these characters are Safe... because it's Theirs. I didn't wanna hold up the line so we said bye and I looked at my dad and I was like "that's my favorite artist, did you know that??? that's literally my favorite artist and they're HERE????? and we HUGGED????"

and then I realized that was the first time I smiled all day. and I felt SO GOOD, riding on that high, that excitement, and I thought -- why don't I keep looking around?? and suddenly, I wasn't flinching as much anymore. I didn't feel sick anymore. I felt... SOMEWHAT NORMAL looking at these peoples' fanart, these shops. These characters. I looked at Optimus Prime and thought, hey there's Optimus. I miss him. I saw Starscream and I said hey there's my beautiful Starlight, I miss him... and y'know what, he probably misses me too. I'd feel really sad looking at these characters sometimes but I didn't feel afraid, the fact that I could look at ANY OF THEM *AT ALL* and feel SORT OF OKAY is absolutely phenomenal. This is the first time in 14 months that I was able to look at these characters and not feel too much anxiety for a solid 30 minutes. INSANE. THAT'S INSANE FOR ME. THAT'S HUGE.

My dad said that as an early Christmas gift, he'd give me a budget of $200 and I could buy whatever merch I wanted. and I said "well that's not necessary but thanks anyways. I'm not buying anything. I'm not ready for that yet" but I kept passing by more and more shops, and I'd think "damn I would have loved that Heatwave keychain." and then I thought ... why DON'T I get that Heatwave keychain??? and one day, WHEN I heal, I'll be able to look at it again, right?? and that's insane, that in that moment I was looking at my TF F/Os with the more positive mentality of "I AM coming back to you one day" instead of "god I miss you and I'll never be the same around you again". I think hopeful is the right word. I was feeling hopeful. Hopeful!!! for the very first time!!!!!

I think I was there for about 30 more minutes, I bought a TON of stuff Heatwave, Starscream, and Knockout stuff. Stickers, keychains, plushies. I got teary when I saw Blades merch because I miss him so bad. My heart would ache every time I'd see Starscream but I kept thinking, I'm working on this, I'm coming back, I'm not letting this end, I don't care how long it takes. This is not a temporary love and we will grow as we go bc I can't imagine my life without you and all that good stuff I commissioned Steve Blum to say lmao. And then I passed by my fave artist again to tell them goodbye and I exploded with joy again. god they're so sweet 😭😭😭💞💗💗💗💖💓💓💗💗💕💕💕💖💕 I could ramble about how nice they are all day

And I was smiling, in a genuinely good mood, when we exited the artist alley, and then we passed by David's table -- NOBODY THERE AGAIN??? -- and I thought, hell, why don't I ask David for a video shoutout?? I'm feeling good!!! I'm feeling dandy!!! So I walked up to the table and he was smiling SO big, munching on peanuts or something, and he said "Keri!! hi!!!" and I said "hiiii I know I already bought something from you but can I buy something again?" and he said "aww I think I can allow it. you seem like a really nice lovely girl. I'm so sorry if I scared you before, I know I look like an intimidating guy, but I promise I'm not as scary as my characters" and I was like NOOO 😭😭 NO MR. SOLOBOV, IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME. IT'S ALL ME BRO. I'M JUST AN ANXIOUS WRECK

I asked him if he does videos and he said yes and I said OKAY and he asked what I wanted and I said "um.... could you have Shockwave say something nice to me? I know he wouldn't. I know it's not like him to say nice things, but uh--" and he said "no, no problem, I can do that for you of course" so we did a video together and he had Shockwave say "Keri... Keri... you may be listening to this video on a bad day. But I want you to know... everything will be okay. Your life is going to be great, Keri. Keri... you are... logical :)" and I said "THANK YOU" and he said "YOU'RE WELCOME" with the biggest smile.

And then I bought one more plushie... a Bulkhead plushie. His little arms are sewn so they're spread out, reaching forward for a hug. I told myself, this is how I have to remember Bulkhead sees me. Bulkhead doesn't want to beat me into a pulp!!! He wants to hold me gently!!! I'm his special little star girl!!! I'm his shining star or whatever the hell he used to call me I actually forgot -- whatever, he loves me!!! He misses me!!!! And this is how I should see him, reaching out to hold me so gently!!! As every single other TF character, even the most horrible terrible villains are EXTRA SOFT and they miss me and they can't wait for me to come back home to them someday 🥺🥺🥺🥺

So we leave the building bc I had to get home in time to go to work. I was kinda of disappointed bc I started to flinch again almost immediately upon leaving. I couldn't look at my merch without feeling a little nauseous. And I was like... what the hell, wasn't I doing okay for at least 45 minutes, there? Why am I suddenly going back to square one? What happened? I told my therapist abt it the next day, and I was like "I'm so disappointed, I thought I was feeling better but now I'm back to feeling scared again? I thought this would fix me" and she was like "oh no that's not how this works. you are traumatized, it's not gonna be fixed overnight. your c-ptsd is *severe.* it's gonna take time. BUT YOU NEED TO BE PROUD OF YOURSELF BECAUSE THIS WAS HUGE. OKAY??? THIS WAS SUCH A MAJOR STEP FORWARD" and I was like "DAMN UR RIGHT. THIS WAS SO GOOD FOR ME!!!!"

I put all of my merch I purchased into the boxes in my closet, except the Bulkhead plushie, and a tiny little Starscream plush keychain i bought from my fave artist.

I've also put my Bulkhead plushie on the shelf above my computer. I feel so tense when I look at it but I'm trying to give him a hug once a day. This is so hard!!! It's so hard!!!! But I'm trying my best and I hope that if I keep working at this I'll be able to reclaim TF. I don't even dream of self shipping into that universe again, I literally just... want to feel less scared. I want to feel indifferent to the characters instead of flinching at them. And THEN from THAT point once I'm no longer scared of them, I'll be able to embrace them fully. Baby steps, baby steps -- or in this case, this was a HUGE step and!!! idk I'm so proud of myself. I DID IT. I DID THAT!!!!!!

anyway tysm to anyone who actually read this lol, you are a rock star 😎✨ and thank you so much to everyone who sent me overwhelming amounts of love and support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#woof #SORRY I DIDNT PROOF READ THIS B4 PUTTING IT INTO MY QUEUE #right now as you read this im most likely at work. yay #sorry i didnt get to messages yet either btw my spoons are so low #i havent responded to anyone in uh. uh. uh. several weeks #i still need to open my inbox too oops

[robinruns]

🥴 I think we set a new record fellas. I have already reached the out of pocket that I will pay for the year for my insurance. My deductible isn't met yet, but my company pays the difference between our like old deductible and the new higher deductible that we had to take because SOME PEOPLE (me) were driving up the rates on the insurance by using so damn much of it!

(To be fair it probably wasn't all me with my therapy and chiropractor visits, but I mean, I didn't help any lol)

So now I'm thinking about scheduling my annual physical and then maybe asking for a consult with an ob/gyn on whatever they need to 1. Get my IUD out because it pulled the ladder up behind it 🙃 and B. Just take out everything down yonder. I don't want it. I don't need it. Someone else can have all of it, I don't care! I really don't wanna have any risks or concerns if things go sideways and we're suddenly in my least favorite book of all time. I'd potentially have to schedule all this around a procedure my mom will likely need as well. I'd probably try to aim for post-race season, but who knows. I should probably get my biannual derm appointment to get my skin checked out as well.

Today I had a facial and she did a bunch of extractions on my forehead, which made me feel like I needed to sneeze. Next week I have my optometrist and dentist appointments too, so I'm just gonna be getting all worked over. Oh and my therapist, who might be going on maternity leave any second now wants me to move up my psychiatrist appointment because I need to be reassessed for the good ol ADHDs.

Why is human maintenance so difficult? Why is it that I try to take care of myself and I just spiral into needing 10000 things fixed, whereas Kyle like hasn't been to the doctor in ages, has never been to an optometrist, chiropractor, or therapist, only recently started going to the dentist regularly, doesn't diet, doesn't work out, loses weight just by thinking about it like ?!?!?! His only problem is like an annual kidney stone.

Sigh. At least I don't have kidney stones (knock on wood)

[snow-licity]

The ways Ted Lasso has changed my life!!

Ted Lasso is the reason I started therapy again and decided to actually fix all the things I've suppressed and not wanted to fix!

This week there are two things that happened that made me go: if this happened even 6 months ago I would be a wreck and I wouldn't even be functioning right now!

The first thing was at work on Monday I had a long day and had to leave, we were screen printing and started late, so I had to leave in the middle of it, now I'm there to help out bc my friend owns the business and they're really busy rn so they need people, but the guy I was working with was told really late that we were screen printing so he was frustrated that he wasn't told till just before.

However, normally in my head I internalize and think people are mad at me all the time for everything, so I literally said to myself "he's not mad at me, he's annoyed that they were starting late and he wasn't informed and I've been there all day, and I'm helping out, they appreciate any time I can give them.

All of which are not things I would normally tell myself and a behavior I wouldn't normally stop in the middle of

The second thing that happened was today, I was in the drive thru line in starbucks (mind you the starbucks that MY MOM WORKS AT, while she was working, and where I'm FRIENDS WITH ALL THE EMPLOYEES) and there's this guy behind me, he honked and was waving his hand out of his window, I could hear him through my closed window and I'm thinking "he's crazy, idk who he's talking to" then he GETS OUT OF HIS CAR, a litteral shiver goes down my spine bc I don't know what he's gonna do and I'm in shock, he gets up to my window and yells at me to move forward bc the person behind him can't order, I moved forward AN INCH bc there wasn't that much space ahead of me. He walks back to his car.

I'm frozen by the way, then I start crying bc it's traumatizing and I'm trying to be fine so I don't meltdown before work, but I get to the window and just start sobbing, I tell my mom and one of my friends, they deal w it

Apparently he acted like nothing happened and was gaslighting my mom, but the lady behind him (who he was doing this for) said that it made her uncomfortable and she almost called the police, and she felt so bad that this happened. Like im not overreacting, even someone who didn't have to take the brunt was uncomfortable (that's very validating)

But later I calm myself down and I'm thinking about in terms of "what's going on in his life where he thought that was okay" and "he must be having a shitty day to act like that" and this is something that would've made me INCONSOLABLE for a very long time about 6 months ago, but I'm not, I think I'm more level headed about it looking back even several hours after it happened than most people probably would've

Anyway all this to say that Ted Lasso has helped me in so many ways that I'm really starting to see a difference in the ways I react to traumatic situations and when it comes to generally overthinking things!

#ted lasso #therapy things #its crazy the ways shows can make you see the world differently #and even seeing other people differently #be curious not judgmental

[livingasaghost]

september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

#personal #it really is not that bad!!! #and yet...the horrors

[littlespace-imagines]

Broken Dreams pt. 4

Warning Pt.1 Pt.2 Pt.3

Pairing: Cg!Jason the Toymaker × little reader

Contains: very dark, abusive themes, forced

Littlespace, kidnapping, toxic cg/| dynamic, unhealthy relationships, humiliation as punishment, time confusion

*This is very different from my regular stories on this account, please exercise caution*

**Ageregression and Littlespace will never be sexualized on this blog**

I sighed as my alarm to get up went off, I silenced it and walked towards my bathroom to get ready. I had hardly slept since that nightmare and was extremely on edge, I called my therapist and left them a voicemail explaining what was happening, I was a nervous wreck.

I took my meds and brushed my teeth before pulling on my outfit of black scrubs and pulling my hair back into a tight bun. I looked at myself for a moment in the mirror,

"You need to get your shit together, you fought for this job you can't psych out now." You say to yourself in the mirror. You walk out of the bathroom and walk into the living room to see a man standing there, before you could take in his features he was gone, all you could remember was his piercing yellow eyes, you stand there frozen for a moment, your mind reeling. You grab your keys and drive to the facility as your try to wrap your head around what had just happened. It's not long before you reach your new place of work where you're once again greeted by the same receptionist.

"Hi! I'm guessing your here for your first day of training?" She asks and I nod

"Awesome, follow me." She says and I follow her down one of the hallways, we make a few turns before she stops outside of a door, I read the little sign next to it,

Break Room, Staff only

I grab the handle and open the door, thanking her before I walk in. Inside the room are three people I immediately recognize Dr.Loomis but the other two are unknown to me.

"Ah, just in time! (Yourname) meet Ashley and Bianca." Dr.Loomis says and introduces you to the others in the room, you give a small smile and shake their hands

"It's nice to meet you, will I be training with you both today?" I ask and they both nod

"Yes, today you'll be with me and then tomarrow Ashley will train you." Bianca says and you nod

"Sounds good to me, let's get started." You say and Bianca laughs

"Well I already like your attitude, c'mon" she says and motions for you to follow her.

"Now right now we're in the front of the building which in mostly unsecured so in this area there are no patients. You have to go through here doors here to get back to where the inpatient patience are held." Bianca says and you nod along trying to memorize what she's telling you.

"Once we're back in the secured facility you'll notice that the patient wings are in order. We have the Children's wing first which is comprised of children ages six to twelve, then the juvenile wing which houses teens from ages thirteen to seventeen, then we have the adult and elderly wing that houses anyone from eighteen to about Sixty-Five but that age does depend on the person and their mental condition most are sent to hospice one Alzheimers or Dementia set in." She explains and points down the different hallways,

"What about this wing?" I ask and she smiles

"That wing goes to the cafeteria, the therapy rooms, and other programs we have." She says

"Alright, so today you're with me on the children and juveniles wings, we're just gonna go over that and tomorrow you'll be with Ashley in the adults wing." She explains and you give her a thumbs up, she swipes her card and leads you through the secured door into the children's wing. You follow her back through a couple more doors until you reach a common area where children are sat doing different activities, some are coloring with tiny broken crayons, some are watching a show on a tv secured behind a plexiglass screen, and some are playing with stuffed animals with drawn on faces.

"Alright Kiddos, listen up, we have a new person here today, they're going to be asking you some questions and working with me, I want you all to be on your best behavior. Now will everyone please welcome (Yourname)?" Bianca asks

"Hi (Yourname)" the kids say in unison and you give them a polite wave,

It's not long before you're talking to the children and watching them, this was going to be a breeze.

#littlespace fanfiction #x little!reader #xlittle!reader #little!reader #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta x little!reader #creepypasta x y/n #jason the toymaker x reader #jason the toymaker #Jason the Toymaker imagines #Jason the Toymaker headcannon #creepypasta headcannon #jeff the killer x reader #jeff the killer x little!reader #jeff the killer x you #eyeless jack headcanon #eyeless jack x reader #slenderman x reader

[umbreonlatias]

This has my OG lore on it!

I made the tree myself!

Many things have changed, but most still remain the same!

A few years ago I tried to make a newer version of it through a family tree website, but I got sidetracked like I always do, what's new ha ha!

I'm gonna copy and paste the lore under a cut, so it's not blocking people's dash's!

I might make yet another post with just birthdays on it, with a link on the pinned post, I dunno, I'm just trying things out and letting people know more, even if it's older info!

LOCATION  Cyllage City Forest, Kalos

Description

Gold is offspring,

Purple is best friends

Silver is spouses

etc.....

If you need more clarification, just ask!😄

Edit: Moonshine is a female Sylveon, who is married to the male Umbreon Alabaster, 

Azura, Inari, Destiny, and Carrie are their daughters, Azura and Inari are twins that were both born on a Christmas day, Azura can change colors at will-Moonshine should have inherited that gene, but she didn't-it skipped a generation.

Inari and Azura are both Vaporeon, Destiny is an Espeon, Carrie is a Flareon.

Azura is a retired model who sometimes makes special appearances now and again, living in one of the designated family rooms at Lola's hotel. She could be described as a bit vain, loves cameras, but is still a great mother and sister to her siblings and daughters.

Inari loves to bake and is the head chef at Lola's hotel- Lola's OC Oasis.

Destiny is an early bird, and a huge nerd, if you insult something she likes, you'd better be prepared for a fight. She's often headstrong and hotheaded, which makes not invoking her rage 10x harder!

Carrie is a welder who makes glass trinkets to sell at the Oasis's gift shop, binge watching MLP friendship is magic on her spare time. Don't give her chocolate though, it drives her Noibatty! 

Azura is married to Leonardo, or Leo for short-a Zorua among Zoruas-he was a shapeshifting prodigy, and he passed his ability onto Lola-my main Umbreon OC. Leo proposed to Azura during an eclipse, while she was still an Eevee who drempt of oceans, rivers, and lakes, becoming the Vaporeon she is today.

Leo was Cyllage city's local sheriff until he disappeared, only to return a few months later with no recollection of where he went during his time away from his family. He's back now as the sheriff, and sometimes helps Alabaster out with guard duty at Lola's hotel.

Moonshine and Alabaster also had three sons: Sparx the Jolteon, Napalm the Leafeon, and Flurry the Glaceon

Azura's not the only one to change colors-all of her siblings can!

All of them can even change patterns if they so wish!

Sparx came from the Mystery dungeon side of the Pokeworld. He was leader of an elite rescue team, but when Lola asked him to come and help with the hotel, well, he came run'n! Sparx is a playful prankster, often getting into prank wars with Leo and Scarlet-harmless ones, he'd never purposely hurt someone.

A portal to the mystery dungeon world was found deep in the woods a long time ago, and he was the first one to step into it. He founded a rescue team while there, often coming back and forth to see family.

He's still able to run his old rescue team, helping out with guard duty when able.

Portals to other realms have been found as well, so many creatures and people come through the area on a daily basis-there's never a dull moment at the Oasis!

Napalm is a calm therapy mon at the local hospital-that also has a regular doctors office inside, his trainer is a surgeon there, and she loves him to bits, putting a soft bed by the window in her office under a heat lamp just for him.

The windows don't get that cold even in the dead of Winter, and even if they did, the heat lamp is pretty strong!

He also has a quiet place outside under a tree in one of the courtyards where he can preform photosynthesis and recharge should he need to.

If anyone gets hurt at the hotel and there's no doctors on duty, he has the training to be able to heal people, Pokemon and other creatures, his aromatherapy shop in the hotel has a quiet little area in back in which to treat patents.

He doesn't battle and a good chunk of his moves are healing and other support moves.

Flurry is a quiet, VERY introverted and shy bookworm, he runs the library at the Oasis, he's happiest in his room with his nose buried deep in one of his books, quietly sitting behind the library desk, helping others find books and other media, and shelving media.

He appears cold, but he's actually very warm, especially to those he's comfortable around.

Lola is my main OC, an Umbreon, she can shape shift and color shift, just not when she's sleeping or knocked out.

Her home used to be a small tree in the middle of the forest in Cyllage city, but she has since turned it into quite a sizable hotel-with help of course, taking in people, Pokemon and other creatures alike.

Lola is able to read, speak, and understand human perfectly.

(Leo may or may not have been related to a certain Zorark from Unova, who's trainer has a name with only one letter, and green hair, N.)

She has the ability to swim underwater for as long as she wants, borrowing underwater breathing from her mother, Azura- he paws are even webbed!

Lola prefers shallow, freshwater to deep, saltwater, brine included, as she can see better if and when she opens her eyes underwater, as they don't have the protection a Water type would.

She hates loud noises, especially sudden ones, tending to shy away from them, particularly thunder, so she stays clear of Sparx when he starts training/battling.

She also stays clear of Bug types, specifically the more arachnid looking mons like Spinarak, Ariados, Galvantula, Dewpider, and Araquanid.

Despite being part Latias, she doesn't go too far off the ground, as she is afraid of heights, and more or less hovers a few inches off the ground while "flying", she will fly higher if she needs to be somewhere, or get away from someplace.

Her primary mode of transportation is her four legs, only using her wings if it's absolutely necessary.

For being an Umbreon, she's actually afraid of the dark-go figure.

Her base form used to be pink fur with light blue rings, and light blue eyes.

Now instead of light blue rings-minus the one on her tail, she has Ace hearts in place of rings, Latias wings, a rainbow infinity on her tail, and the lower portions of her front and back paws are light blue.

Her eyes can be darker shades and tints of blue, perhaps she can change eye colors too? She hasn't really explored that avenue yet.

I mentioned that Azura had two daughters, right, well her second daughter is adopted, Lola is biologically related. Azura's adopted daughter is named Scarlet Rose.

Leo, Azura, and Lola were taking a sunset stroll on Cyllage city beach when they noticed something red and blue lying on the shores. When they got closer, they noticed it was a sopping wet female Fenniken.

They took her home, nursed her back to health, and asked her if she'd like to be part of their family-which Scarlet gratefully accepted.

Scarlet has the odd ability to be immune to water, being the only Fenniken who can swim, and one that actually adores the water. She can also color shift, but prefers to be red and blue.

She used to speak with a country accent, but I couldn't keep it up.

Katie Ace Moon is a shape shifting dragon, her being an Ace dragon at the moment, she is best friends with Lola, Scarlet, and Ace Aries Umbreon, (Umbregamer) Ezzie Aspie Litten, and me.

Katie stays at the hotel with everyone else mentioned here.

She's one of the beings that comes from one of the other portals, no one knows which one though, but she's friendly, so no one has felt the need to ask her. 

Ace Aries Umbreon is Umbregamer, she likes to be in her room, TRYING to make videos for her Youtube channel with her Samsung phone and her Wii.

Her mascot is loosely based on Lola, but is different colors. (Same base by Paddedveepaws! I've been wondering if the mascot should just be Lola, but I haven't pulled the metaphorical trigger yet, and am not sure if I will or won't. She also has a Twitch just for viewing purposes ATM! linktr.ee/Catherine_Kramer)

Ezzie Aspie Litten is my Alolan starter, for both Sun, and Ultra Sun, she can change colors, but prefers to stay a Litten's usual colors.

Ezzie has a sister, but I can't remember her name/what she was like...

(Toffee, her name was Toffee, but I didn't do anything with her.

Did I make her so I could evolve one of em', seeing as I like Torracat?)

Moonshine is Lola, and Scarlet's grandmother, with Alabaster being Lola and Scarlet's grandfather.

I haven't figured out much for Moonshine, except that she's a very loving mother, and grandmother. Maybe helping Inari out in the kitchen? Has a mischievous side and pulls pranks with Sparx, and sometimes helps Mystery pilfer sweets when Inari isn't looking? Perhaps she's just as strong as, or stronger than Alabaster- though he's got pride and is loath to admit it- or he accepts it and laughs it off, not sure which.

Alabaster is kind of like the heroic, stoic one, not letting anyone but Moonshine, and other members of his family too close to him.

He's the self appointed guard of the Oasis, and is often seen patrolling the grounds. Alabaster should be retired, but he just can't stop himself.

He can appear as shiny, or non-shiny, just whatever mood strikes him/what the situation calls for.

Recently the family found a lost, young, female Eevee, no one know's where she came from, so she's just called Mystery.

She loves sweets, and is often pilfering them from Inari, heh, little scamp!

Perhaps when she gets older she'd join the pranking crew and pull harmless pranks on guests and family members.

They all either have mystery trainers, or have been caught by me, the lore fluctuates from time to time, with the main four (Lola, Scarlet, Azura, and Leo, as well as Ezzie) being caught by me, and are on my team, although I don't battle with them.

(I've always been more of a story and music kinda gal, not really bothering with competitive battling/just battling in general. That isn't to say they're weak, they do train with each other at times, some being stronger than others because they actually like battling- Sparx, and Alabaster being prime examples.)

I caught them so that no bad person could catch them, and I otherwise let them live as if they were wild, going wherever they pleased.

Their balls are Luxury balls, so that they're comfy when I do have to recall them-I adore Luxury balls!

Most of them live in the family only section of Lola's hotel, some of them going back to their mystery trainers when the day/night is done if I gave them one.

Perhaps they do all belong to me, having been traded to me from their original owners over the years, some occasionally coming back to visit their mons- thank goodness for OT labels!

(None of them are actual people, just unfinished OC's, only Napalm's is more fleshed out than the others. He could still work with the surgeon in a hospital part time, and then the rest of the time is spent in his aromatherapy shop in the hotel- him having plenty of free time in between and a more relaxed scedual- I don't want to make him overworked like people are IRL...)

(As of 8-31-2021)

Moonshine was born September 14th 1919, she's 101 in human years.        101

Alabaster was born November 20th 1919. he's 101 in human years.            101

Sparx was born June 27th 1950, he's 71 in human years.                            71         

Azura and Inari were born December-25-1952, they're 70 in human years.  70

Destiny was born October 18th 1955, she's 65 in human years.                   65

Napalm was born June 13th 1970, he's 51 in human years.                         51

Flurry was born January 12th 1976, he's 45 in human years.                       45

Carrie was born August 15th 1977, she's 44 in human years.                       44

Lola, Ezzie, Ace, Katie and I all share a birthday on March 22 1996.             25 we are all 25 (*cough* 28 *cough*) right now, in human years.

Scarlet was born May 22nd 1998, she's 23 in human years.                        23

Mystery was born April 10th 2010, so she's 11 in human years.                   11

Did that clear up anything, or does that make anything more confusing?"

#old lore #oc lore #lore #ask blog #ask lore #shiny latias #umbreon hybrid #shiny umbreon #umbreon #latias #hybrid pokemon #umbreonlatias #cyllage city #cyllage forest #facebook #deviantart #family #family tree #zorua #vaporeon #flareon #jolteon #espeon #leafeon #glaceon #sylveon #eevee #eeveelution #eeveelutions

[medicinemane]

Well, I'm getting to do therapy, ultra mega super fucking extreme edition for my mom today

She's having a fucking breakdown cause GOP cost cutting means medicaid is being a bitch and being like if you're on medicare you no longer qualify for medicaid unless you can work and then and only then will we let you do a buy in

It's bullshit, it sucks, it's a stupid and broken system and someone being on disability should count as any work, but she's having one of the most extreme fucking breakdowns of all time over it

Like we're talking going on about how it's all her fault that the cats died who were living in the trailer cause of how toxic she let that place become, or that she's an utterly selfish person... and I'm sat here having to find ways to spin shit because she puts me in a position where in order to get her functional... what? I say "yeah, pretty much"?

Then she's like "I apologize for anything I've ever done to you", not accepted and never will be. You're doing shit to me right this fucking second with this

There's no atonement and that's kind of tough shit, and maybe if you wanted atonement don't make me parent you right now

I'm having to talk her down from being suicidal, cause I'm fucking Machiavellian with shit and I need that disability check to keep coming in

She's crying and just having the biggest breakdown she's probably had since one of my worst memories which I'm actively working to suppress cause I can't deal with it right now. She's fucking going over the various ghost shit and apologizing for it, and it's like I don't fucking care, stop fucking trying to pure and make yourself the horror that made everything awful... you're pretending to take responsibility, but what you're really doing is demanding I absolve you of everything

You know, the shit she's saying and the shit I was saying yesterday aren't that different. We both think we're hugely worthless pieces of shit who are totally unlovable (and my grandma is probably to blame for both mindsets)

Difference is that for as much as I downplayed it and said it didn't even count as cleaning, I was fucking moving like 10 boxes around to try and get things in a state where I can figure out how to clean shit, where as she's a totally nonfunctional mess

Like as much as everyone seems to want to bitch about when I'm... literally just trying to share how not ok I'm doing as best I fucking can, even when I'm at my lowest I'm still trying to work on shit

...also, one thing that's different between her and me is I've never been emotionally incestuous with my kid to the point where the very concept of family makes them sick, made them be my parent, and am now forcing them to be my therapist despite the fact the emotionally engaging with them is one of the single most destructive things I can do

I don't know... I'm real shit today, I'm gonna have to be in the car for like 4 but really more like 6 hours with her cause of the way she drives, cause I've got to go see family today and it's gotta be today cause that's when my uncle's around

I'm basically... fucking animating myself, like I'm in that state where you're not letting yourself fall apart cause you gotta hold it together cause you don't have a choice (oh, and I haven't fucking slept cause right when I was gonna go to bed I got summoned to come play therapist)

I'm shit right now, and I was already in a bad way... and in fact I'm doing so badly that I can't even maintain my normal fucking facades and politeness... nope, turns out that's not true and in fact my facades run deeper than I do and I 100% am still not gonna say certain things

But yeah, it's a shit day, one of the worst in a while cause it's probably the worst my mom's been in like... two decades... so that's fucking great huh?

Bonus, this bullshit with medicaid has cut her therapy sessions

If anyone gets to be pissed at them it's me, and I fucking am pissed, they can go fuck themselves, and everyone who votes to cute medicaid can know that I personally dislike them immensely

Unlike my mom though I'm not a literal fucking 12 year old (not even kidding, her problem is she's emotionally still like 12 or 14, she's literally fucking stunted there). Unlike her... I fucking function even when I'm doing bad

But serious, I was awful yesterday, just absolutely one of my low points. Only reason maybe I seem better today is basically the emotional equivalent of adrenaline

I'd be falling apart right now except for the part where I never actually fall apart or have breakdowns

#mm tag so i can find things later #and frankly I have to keep biting back telling you all to go fuck yourselves on the grounds that I'm just... full of fucking anger right no #like just brimming with it and not able to let even a bit of it show #had to kick all my cats out because I really don't think I'm safe to be around right now #like I've got an extremely short fuse except for the fact I'm not allowed to blow my top #and frankly... I've got various reasons I'm pissed off... but as I said up there... can't actually fucking say what's on my mind #most I can do is gesture towards the thought of telling everyone to go fuck themselves #can't actually do it and wouldn't want to do it without explaining why #and turns out I can't explain why because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings #but yeah... I'm real bad and I'm probably only going to get worse here #but it's also kind of tough shit cause I gotta clean; I gotta learn to install a faucet... and apparently my mom's about to be down too #so... not that she really fucking ever helps even in prime condition; but I'm about to get even less help #so there it is; and frankly I doubt I'm gonna get a damn bit of support

[yakultstanreblog]

I ain't scared, I just thought I might get the most best answer this way..I'm wondering what poet or poem you read (or were read in your childhood) that had you looking for more and aspiring to write your own? If it was a traumatic event, I feel you there. .it can really help to read a complete stranger's words of pain, when they harmonize with our own. I admit, I have only read a couple of your poems but I love your voice, keep on keepin on ☮️ 🕉 💛

HAHA DW I LOVE ANONS <33333 I encourage it.

HONESTLY no poetry inspired me to write poetry (IRONIC) I thought I hated poetry!!!! I’ve written many things since I was a kid but always been more of an essay kinda dude..I attempted to read poetry a few times over my lifetime and mostly it made no sense to me..I thought it was just a bunch of pretentious ppl flexing their advanced vocab (which honestly I lack bc of a whole other story I won’t get into and maybe I was just jealous) - the only time I wrote a poem was back in final yr of highschool lit class when my brain was malnourished af and writing it made me want to kms plus I had major imposter syndrome (and then my lovely grandma went and sent it in to a poetry magazine without me knowing and it got published and still I didn’t think poetry was for me) only in more recent times I no longer have access to a psych who I can send weekly 3000 word emails to and I needed to do something so that I would stop driving myself completely insane bc I also live alone 4hrs from family and no friends so have noone to save me but myself so I started writing every day on wattpad like a digital diary entry(today was day 118 in a row) then I started to see others who had written poetry and combined w the fact that I’ve come very far over the yrs in terms with perfectionism (as in not needing to be) I found myself in a place realising that poetry didn’t have to be “good” and that I could just make it work for me. I could just write for myself. To get things out (even tho it’s only like 5% of my mind). It didn’t need to look impressive for others etc like what I used to think poetry did… so yeah basically poetry is just my budget therapy now and a tool to prevent me from ending things :))))) everything I write about (so far, at time of writing) is from real life experience and I love using it as an outlet to say the things that wouldn’t be taken so well if they were said out loud.. cause everyone has some sort of darker side whether they are exposed to it or not and whilst I do hold onto a lot of hope I love being able to have an outlet to get the rot out of me or at least create something with it so it’s not completely useless and all consuming. ALSO I think it’s cool that poetry allows you to turn your words into art. I’ve always loved art and ppl consider me arty or whatevs but I can’t draw or paint (well - not that it matters) so this is kinda something that comes more naturally to me! (I’ve only been writing poetry for 4 months now so hopefully I can only get better)… AND THANK THE LORD in the meantime as I have come to write my own poetry I am now able to appreciate other people’s poetry, I can understand it more, I can be inspired by it, I can admire it. I get it now. Or at least I think I’m starting to get it…. But to answer ur question l wouldn’t say it was a singular traumatic event which inspired it but rather a combined experience of like 20 genuinely traumatic events combined with being neurodiverse & a lifetime of various mental illnesses which I wouldn’t say are all treated etc. and quite honestly having read NOTHING in the past which resonated with the depth of my own experience so I thought you know what I know I can’t be the only one feeling this, I’m gonna try write my own! If I can’t read it I’ll write it and hope I can be that for someone else I guessss

SOZ FOR RANT IDK HOW TO STFU AND THANK YOU FOR READING A FEW OF MY POEMS AND THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION ILY HAVE A LOVELY DAY <33

[gigileognne]

↝Świat Gii jest trochę zamazany ↜ | →

www.giaezekiel.com #GiBlog

💌 ༟ Bildunterschrift geschrieben :

En ta présence, je trouve du réconfort et du bonheur (in your presence i find solace and bliss)

While I was writing in my journal waiting for my girlfriend

The song anchor plays, and I was smiling with a heavy feeling on my chest

“My dear saffa you are beautiful like this song you showed me that life was worth living and can be heavy at the same time

I hope you understand what I'm about to do is it's for the best for the both of us you don't deserve me the current version of myself if it wasn't for you I won't be doing this I'll chose death over living but then you came into my life I never thought someone will love me like this, you never judged me despite my past”

I said while my eyes were teary, “love I'm all dressed up!”

Saffa said excitedly

I immediately wiped my tears

“Wow you look so gorgeous babe”

I said in my shaky voice

“Are you crying?”, saffa asks confusedly.

“Me? pfft of course not” i stood up from my chair “I'll go get dressed”

I wore a simple casual outfit , “this should work” I whispered to myself "I'm not that fancy lady at all I'm just a dumb girl” I giggled while talking to myself. Saffa knocked “Babe, are you done?”, I flinched as soon as I heard her “y-yeah just a minute” shît I whispered

After preparing…. I showed saffa my outfit “so what do you think?”, Saffa slowly approached me and holds my face “you look mesmerizing my love” I smiled “thank you i know it looks boring shh no it's not saffa said i loved it this is definitely your style”

Saffa looked at me “so where are we going?” , I smiled and giggled “it's a surprise this is why we need this, I showed her the blind fold. Saffa slaps my shoulder “what?” “Are you being nasty again gia?” , “no it's too early for that besides I'm taking you somewhere today we're gonna have some fun now do you trust me?” I asked while putting the blindfold on my girlfriend ""love I'm kinda nervous” “it's okay don't be it's gonna be alright now hold my hands” I held my girl's hands gently while guiding her “ watch the steps okay?” “here we go we're almost there come on babe you can do it”

After 10 minutes

We finally made it outside

I pressed the remote to unlock my car

“Okay get in, be careful” I covered saffa’s head to prevent her from bumping her head

“That's my girl are we good?”, saffa gives me a thumbs up, I nodded “okay i get into the car and started to drive

“Babe where are we even going?”, You'll see you'll love this just wait a lil longer okay?”

Saffa sighs, after a long drive

I parked the car and removed my seatbelt. “Are you ready milady?” , saffa nods. I smiled “okay let's go” I held my girl's hand gently then started walking with her. “Babe, may I ask you? What was your dream, I mean what's your dream career?” saffa curled her lip into a smile “my dream is a peaceful life with you”, I was speechless on what my girlfriend said “but we have to separate ways temporarily to be able to do that”

She chuckled, “that's why I was very happy that you finally agreed on getting a therapy or go to a rehab”

“You're okay without me?, of course not babe but I know it's for the best”

We both got into an awkward silence

“Btw we're here!” I removed saffa's blindfold immediately. “Surprise!”

Saffa was shocked “omg babe Disney?!?!” I nodded while smiling “we're gonna try those extreme rides are you ready?”

“I'm not sure babe I'm a little scared”

I smiled, “you're cute but don't worry I'm here babe you can hold on to me”

Saffa held onto my arm while we walked our way to the entrance , I pointed out the grizzly river fun ride….”wanna try that one?” I smirk and smile annoyingly. Saffa pouted while looking at me, I pouted back. Saffa slapped my shoulder “hubby you're just being annoying right now, that's what I'm good at”, saffa slapped my shoulder again. “What now?” “Can we please ride on something else?” “Babe I don't know what you're talking about i already bought the goods” , Saffa looked at me annoyingly “you're so mean for not telling me”

“Yes, I am indeed now, come on”.. I held my girlfriend's hand while I'm paying for the ride saffa tried to escape but i immediately pulled her close to me

“You're not going anywhere miss ma'am” I carried saffa by my shoulder

“Hubby please I'm begging you, nah can't hear you milady” I giggled while carrying her, “oh look we're already here”, i put her down gently, saffa squeezed my hand I sensed that she's nervous so i pulled her close to me and rubs her back “it's gonna be okay I'm here, let's go?” Saffa nodded and i smiled

While we're already seated and secured they announced that the ride is about to start.

I looked at my girlfriend and she was shaking and I was holding my laugh. I moved closer to her and whispered “it's gonna be alright baby” . I squeezed her hand gently, as the ride started. Saffa buried her face on my shoulder I giggled as i adored her

The ride starts to move and we're already getting splashed by the waters girlfriend was screaming for her life and I was just recording her whole reaction

“What are you doing, put that down babe!”, “hahaha alright alright I'll stop” but I just can't stop giggling while looking at her, she gently slaps me in the face, I pull her closer and kiss her right on the lips. “That's what you for slapping me”, saffa pouts “hubby can we just get out of this thing please? The ride is almost done my love we're getting off soon” , after the long chaos, it's finally over, while holding my girlfriend’s hand “so what do you wanna do? I'm thirsty, let's get some drinks, I smiled okay, lead the way”, while waiting for her i look for a nice spot to sit…”babe!” I immediately looked at her “wait I'll help you as I carry our drinks all the way into our table

Saffa looked at me “babe are you okay? It looks like you zoned out a little there”

N“Don't worry I'm fine babe, are you sure? Yes baby” I immediately changed the topic “babe that's our spot” I put down our drinks on our table, I pulled out the chair for her of course

“Thanks babe, anything for my favorite lady”

I sat down and we're currently facing each other, I took a sip of my drink.

“Alright missy, talk!” I chuckled, “what do you mean?” , “love, you just zoned out there's probably a reason why”, I curled my lips looking “okay I'll tell you just promise you won't get mad” , saffa smiled I won't babe since when did I judge you? I would never do that”

I took a deep breath, “I'm having ptsd awhile ago that's why I zoned out, I know I can't scream but it's all getting worse everyday I thought if we go out I can escape it but no i can't” , saffa looks at me softly “kochanie if you don't mind me asking where are your parents?”

“They abandoned me since I was 4 my dad thought it's a best decision if they sold me out for their food cuz they want to survive but my mom refused she says it's better if they abandoned me cuz my mom says I was useless and I ruined her life she had me when she was like 15 and my grandpa kicked her out of the house when he found out she was pregnant so she poured her anger on me by abandoning me, how did i survive? Well I was roaming around the street looking for food and this looking 40 years old woman saw me and offered me some food well i might say maybe some humans are kind enough to give you some stuffs like that and she offered me a shelter so i can finally sleep properly me and that woman had a good relationship

By helping her out on the shelter she was nice enough to give me some money I was already refusing but she kept insisting I should keep the money, without hurting her feelings I accepted it. I realized if i help her more maybe I can earn more so i did. Yeah I was just a kid that time but I was already working, the woman had her fully trust on me so she opened up about her cancer and didn't know how much time she left, my heart breaks because for the first time, I feel the love of a mom, the love that I was longing for, before she passed away she didn't have children nor any relatives so she left her belongings to me including all of her fortune, and I had in my mind that time. “how could she trust me that much” , I…her de@th broke me so bad I still visit her grave till this day asking forgiveness for all the things that I've done, cuz she probably watching from above”

Saffa looked at me bawling her eyes out, I wiped her tears, “please don't feel bad for me I hate it when people do”

“I'm sorry, it must've been hard for you I wish we've met sooner…I- I didn't know “

“Well now you know, and trust me you don't wanna meet the old me cuz her life was a mess and it's still is but I hope I'm getting better”

Saffa held both of my hands, “baby I am…so so proud of you, as long as you have me you have someone who is proud of you, I smiled genuinely “you're the most pure person I've ever met in my life saffa and I'm grateful for that, you're able to change me”

“Gia you have so much potential in you don't waste that and I'm so happy that you're finally getting treated and the therapy that you deserve…we can finally go back to poland once you've done all of the sessions you could start a new life babe….we can start a new life”

I nodded, “I know and I can wait for it”

Saffa hugged and kissed me on the forehead, “kocham cię kochanie…. I love you too dziecko”

I looked at my wrist watch, “oh sh!t it's time, time for what babe?”

Without any words, I held my girlfriend's hand and I pointed at the sky “ready? 1…2…3” the fireworks display starts, I looked at my girl just admiring her watching the fireworks, she immediately looked at me and pulled me closer for a kiss I hold onto her waist and kissed her back As we passionately kissing each other, I know to myself that finally I feel happy again, when I'm with her I know I feel safe and I'll protect her whatever it takes even if it means risking my life I love this girl more than my life, and can't wait to start a new life with her

#roleplayer #oc blog #lgbtqia #girls love #roleplaying #writers and poets

[honking-up-a-storm]

6/23/23

Using this page to start off the day cuz idc that there's some doodles already on it. I think it's gonna be another slow day, 4 handicap spots are open, more open past the entrance, and the main lot is very empty. It could fill up who knows, but my hopes aren't very high. Funny how active online I was in 16'-17', maybe it's because that's when a lot of current websites came out that have a clear record. Ungh, I want to do something where is everyone? I guess I can get some reading done today. As long as my feet hold up I guess. I knew there would be slow days, but slow and standing in one spot is killing me. Oh! I bought the book so I can properly do this, it should be coming in 5-14 days, though the seller is in state so it should be quick enough. One car, not gonna touch it since it has the handicap adapter on it, I could drive it but I don't wanna adjust the settings. I think this writing is good for a least cracking a dent in this book. Had a very deep dream where things were okay again, makes no sense. If it's a premonition, I don't want it. Could try reaching out to her though. I feel bad and I miss her. Taking the easy way out isn't cute. There's totally shit going through my head right now that's too fast to write FFS. It's cuz I'm thinking about IT, which is annoying. I've exhausted all thoughts on the subject, made my conclusions, pretty much moved on less than a week later due to good timing on the new circles. I guess I'm frustrated with my exit. I had more time than I thought. I guess it's only natural to have wanted things to go your way. It just sucks cuz I wasn't attached to those thoughts and words anymore and the grief I have for them is still very potent no matter how much I try to hide and deny It. I find it odd too that I didn't feel sad after, I thought over the scenario so many times that I was sure I'd just fall apart, but I didn't and don't feel sorry for myself cuz I was a full-on bitch who deserved it. The frustration and grief are what linger. And I think grief is the appropriate word bc jesus christ I loved them, I loved all of them and I don't know why I was that fucking monstrous (Well therapy helped find the route of that but still, tldr: Family source, took that kinda shit talking as a normal way to vent and be done with it bc worse shit has gone around the house and yet everyone claims to love each other, should have never done it to my friends). And I'm frustrated because jesus christ even though I don't remember much of the exit I know I was just spewing bullshit and was pissed beyond hell that it was happening while I was not in a good spot mentally and physically. They probably think I threw myself into therapy because of the situation, but nah it's because for the first time in my life I let myself stand a little too close to the edge of the train platform and envisioned some things. But shit the only thing that stopped me was my own fear of death and that girl who got her leg torn off by the green line a few days prior. Anywho I'm glad I'm better, obviously not cured or perfect but much much better. My paranoia is gone, I'm less irritable, and life is just enjoyable again. It's kinda funny how I'm working a job where I was only in it for the money (financial issues strike again when the V work is said) but like I'm having like actual fun working, it's literally the perfect job for someone with ADHD, every day is different and I get to move a lot, interact with a lotta people. Also like I work with cars all day, I love driving. I'm in my pink era, I'm starting to love life again.

Notes:

A - Truman show/ Fleabagging, mirroring, mimicking, repeating, fixations, extremely picky with food, shutdown rather than lash out

M - Overstimulation, IFYKYK, sensory issues

N - Can drive, good balance

it feels like summer again

I am made up of so many things

Gift of the day from funny old dude regular: 3 Musketeers bar

"FTM" license plate is real

[antmimicry]

physical therapy today.. ride is going to be hell. my neck and shoulder have been soo messed up (I went on a short bird walk like last week and I think I like.. did something, fucked up my shoulder somehow, bc of how I held the binoculars? wasn't a long walk bc I'm not capable of that but yeah :( really sucks bc it was fun but idk if I could even hold them at all now)

I think I might be having some shoulder subluxations at times?? might be totally wrong but like it just feels. really off sometimes. and then it pops or cracks in a way that's a lot more extreme or just weird-feeling than usual? (it's always popping cracking shifting, all my joints are, but sometimes it's like. Different.) I think I'm not great at identifying subluxations bc I don't think I get them a lot, but my main point of reference for dislocations/subluxations is. my knees. and when that happens to your knees you fucking KNOW lol so I think I'm expecting like even minor subluxations to be like extremely painful complete incapacitation? but like.. anyways what I call knee subluxations are actually like full dislocations, they just pop back in immediately (after I collapse) most of the time (with one very painful exception lol. that sucked) . I think maybe I'm actually having some more minor subluxations in my knee sometimes without knowing it (is it even possible to have like smaller subluxations in the knee or are the only options In or Out?? I'm too afraid to google it bc thinking about knee shit makes me terrified), like my knee just feels weird and I can't really put weight on it (or am too afraid to try) until I flex it around a bit and I can feel it pop/shift in a major way. (but like obviously not full dislocation level.. I can still move it after all lol).

no idea if that's true though. maybe I'm not having any subluxations and my joints are just being weird but in a non-subluxation way. genuinely idk

anyways I really hope my PT will have some advice or be able to help me somehow with my shoulder bc it's just like Bad for real. it's not just the normal joint pain shit something is UP. I don't think I have an impinged nerve or anything but I am getting some really weird sensations sometimes too

will be wearing my neck brace in the car (the soft one probably... don't think I'm supposed to wear a hard one even for something like that, but I wore one—idk why my mom had one but she did so that's cool—for a while when I was sleeping on a day when it really hurt and that thing fucking ruled). that should help a bit but honestly not much. at least I'm only a passenger since I can't drive lol but I can't take ibuprofen until after PT (or like. feel like I shouldn't, don't want to risk hurting myself without knowing it, need that sensation of pain to be safe... although it's not like ibuprofen even helps that much anyways lol) and since the drive there is an hour and a half and then there's the pt appointment itself.. and the ibuprofen won't start kicking in until we're almost home... and my shoulder and neck are already killing me and feeling tingly and numb and we haven't even left yet.. it's gonna be bad

think I'm going to download a collection of shirley jackson short stories to read on the way. maybe that'll distract me. really need to get like.. functional headphones so I can listen to music or podcasts in the car (I do NOT need my dad hearing the podcasts I listen to lol) bc with the current ones I have I can't hear anything with them, noise of the road just drowns everything out

#my posts

[indigo474]

April 4th 2023

my squats were sloppy today. 175x5. i personally think 5lbs is a huge increase in weight. every month around my period things just feel heavier. i actually complained tonight- i dont complain . i hate hearing myself complain. i say my therapy dog and she is just perfect. i need to get into the gym and lift 1 day a week- at least. i'm not doing myself any favors by not doing it. i talked to dude a little today. i try and send him flirty messages- crickets. it's fucking weird.

learning a lot- there is a part of me that believes i am unlovable. it sucks to feel that way. i realize i am alone because that is what i have chosen to be. i'm not sure why i am doing what i'm doing. nothing means anything. and yet i persist. MAdison asked me why our neighbors car is all banged up- bad- dude must be driving super high- like super super high- nodding out high. brand new car too- a few years old. i feel like he's gonna die in that car.

[switch-onlegs]

The Bear Syd/Carm Spanking Fanfic

I'm on a fanfic writing bender so I started this tumblr to post stories I feel like I don't see enough. This is a pilot fanfic for a series on The Bear. This first chapter is Syd and Carm. Romance and punishment but no sex yet. I'm thinking eventually the series will evolve into Syd on top of a kinky polycule with Marcus, Carm, and Gary.

-----------------------------

“We’re gonna get rocked tonight.” Carm mumbled. A statement, not a question.

“Oh, totally destroyed”, Sydney grimaced. 

Carmy sighed. He could see Syd’s position. She was green, but she was good. She’d been so excited to work with him, and now all he could see when she looked at him was disappointment. The look was familiar enough. He’d seen a twisted version of it on his Head Chef’s face, time and time again. Usually just before… he shifted uncomfortably, pushing the thought away.

When he looked up, Sydney locked eyes with him. He dropped his gaze to the ground, a feeling close to fear running through him, and something else he couldn’t put a finger on.

“Any suggestions, Chef?” he asked, trying to relieve the tension and take back some control. He was Head Chef now. He had to be a man, lead by example, hold the line together. He couldn’t imagine leading like his old tormentor had, but something had to change.

“Respectfully, Chef? Like, nothing I say is going to make a difference if you'd rather play king than listen or pay attention to what this place actually needs. That’s why this is going to be a shit show. Respectfully”, Carm could feel the anger barely contained under the surface. He knew that feeling well.

“I know you think I'm young, but- I've been through some shit. You’ve clearly been through some shit. I've done my time in therapy. You need to do what you need to do.”

“I don’t have time for therapy. Look what happened today-”

“You leaving was not the problem, Chef” Syd’s carefully controlled tone snatched the words from Carmen’s lips. He nodded and listened. “I can handle the kitchen by myself with some warning and some support. The problem is that you implemented a policy without communicating. Then you left without communicating. Then you jumped to conclusions and berated me in front of people whose respect I need to earn to do my job. Again without communicating. Do you see the pattern here?”

“Okay. That’s fair. Heard, Chef.”

“Is it? I mean, you’re great at this, Carm. Your food is thoughtful and inventive. You make people feel seen. Inspired. But Carm, you’re not a sous chef anymore. You can’t just keep your head down and work the problems away. You've gotta look up and lead. You’re actually really good at it. Sometimes I watch you and it’s like, you have all this talent and drive and quiet charisma but-”

“Yes, chef?”

“It’s like you let every detail bog you down, and you check completely out.”

Carm thought of the flames he stared into at night.

“How did your old Head Chef encourage you?”

“Encourage?" he snorted “Uh, I wouldn't know. He used psychological torture as motivation. Sometimes physical. On a lucky day.”

“He hit you?”

“He kept a cane in the freezer and if I made a mistake, he’d just- Whop!”

Carmy flashed back to the freezer. Gripping cold metal. Anticipating the blow.

“Whop!”

The Head chef had been mercilessly temperamental. Some days it was enough to dish out a few punishing blows. Some days a slight inconsistency was enough to spend every break trying desperately not to break position, staring at a bin of produce or marinating seafood. Burning and freezing and burning again as the chefs under him pulled stock from the freezer.

“Whop!”

His cutting whisper. This is not close to over. Always followed by some insult. Another chip off his soul between courses. A chill ran through him at the memory. 

He’d never known fear and pain like his time in that freezer. The mistakes he answered for there had inspired some of his greatest culinary inventions, but his hands still shook sometimes and he could never fall asleep. He couldn’t decide if it was because of the memories or the lack of structure. He’d slept like a baby under Chef’s abuse. 

Striving for excellence and perfection. Knowing the cold consequences for failure. And with the poison Chef spewed into his ear every day, the cane had been a stinging reprieve from the constant beratement and pressure. A chance to cry his day out. 

“Fuck abusive bosses. That guy sounds like an ass.”

“Sure, inspired me to give my all, though”, he laughed, taking a long drag of his cigarette. 

“Well, I don’t do psychological torture, but if you need someone to beat your ass to motivate you, I’d be more than glad to step up.” Carm laughed. Syd didn’t. He dropped his gaze again. God, she was intense sometimes.

“Don’t threaten me with a party, Chef”, he chuckled, playing it off, finishing his cigarette and standing to go.

“We did say we would think about new ways of doing things”, Sydney rose, folded her arms and looked at him, a challenging smile on her face. Carm laughed and headed for the door. He pictured her wielding a cane, hand on his back, biting her lip with the effort. It felt- different. 

He stopped at the knob. Syd bumped into him and backed up a little, confused. Carm turned and looked at her seriously.

“You really want to whip me, Chef?” he asked, bringing his head down closer to mumble so no one could hear but her. It was unprofessional. It was embarrassing, but he couldn’t deny that he needed- something. 

Syd checked his face to make sure he wasn't joking, then smiled in realization. This was actually on the table. She’d thought about it enough, watching him yell and pout his way around the kitchen, wasting his talent and wasting away. She fixed his twisted apron strap and lifted his chin.

“I want to make this place work, Chef. I think you could use some encouragement, some guidance. And, I feel like I could provide those things.”

Carm nodded and pushed his hair back, nervously, wincing at what he knew was coming if he agreed. He sighed. When he agreed.

“Besides. No offense, but you’ve got major subbie vibes going on. Very leather jacket, rein me in daddy”

“Really?”

“Definitely, like, hit me if you love me vibes. Am I wrong?”

He thought back to the small string of domineering women who'd fled when they got bored of his hot and cold attitude. He liked being led. So did they. They expected him to do the leading. But by the time he got home, he could barely think, let alone make decisions. He'd gotten tired of provoking fights just to feel alive when the smack came or the cold drink was thrown in his face.  

“If I agree, what would that mean?”

“The best way is to start is figuring out what you want, what this is, your triggers and limits. Let’s meet tonight to set some goals with consequences and rewards. I’m thinking daily check-ins at the end of shift to make sure you’re on track”

“Daily, Chef?”

“You heard what I said, Chef. We can talk it out tonight”, her tone didn’t invite further conversation. He put his hands in his apron pockets.

“Yes, Chef.”

“Good. But let’s address today’s behavior right the fuck now. Do you have any hard lines around wooden spoons?”

“No, Chef”

“Good. Bring the risotto spoon to your office. We’ve got like, ten minutes, so be quick.”

“Yes, Chef”, Carmy swallowed and opened the door for Syd, following her in.

She moved straight to his office. He stole a quick glance at her hips and realized he only saw Syd in flashes and tense exchanges. 

The set of her mouth when she was angry, the nape of her neck when she pulled her braids to the side. She did that when she needed to focus. An exchange of unspoken pain from her eyes to his and back at the end of a shift. And understanding between them that they didn’t need words to be there for one another.

He found the spoon and saw why she’d requested it. Thick olivewood with an angled tip for reaching the corners of a pot and a hole in the center so the risotto grains didn’t break as you stirred. And if Carm remembered correctly from his mom’s experiments with slotted and unslotted spatulas, implements with holes were a whole different world of pain.

Tears came to his eyes when he pressed his finger to the sharp tip of the spoon. It didn’t draw blood, but it hurt enough for him to pull his finger away, shaking. He took a deep breath and headed towards his office, running into Richie on the way.

“OH! Cousin. Watch where you’re GOING!! You got your head down!! You ok? It looks like you’re headed to the grim reaper.”

“Something like that, Cousin. Hey, can you grab the new menus from the printer?”

“Why don’t you send Fak?”

Carmy looked at him.

“Alright. Dumb question. I’ll do it.”

Carm breathed a sigh of relief to have him out of the building. The last thing he needed was his cousin running his big mouth. He steeled himself and walked into the office.

Syd sat in his chair writing in her notebook. She glanced up at him just in time to see Tina walk by with a scowl. That was a battle for another day. First, she needed to spank her boss.

“Close the door behind you”.

Carm obeyed, confused. Syd’s calm was off putting. Everyone who’d ever beat his ass had been yelling or berating him. This felt like dealing with an assassin. She finished writing and turned to look at him. The glance went on forever.

“I’m sorry, Chef. I-”

“Did I say you could speak, Chef?” her voice cut through his apology like a knife. He shrunk three feet in a second. He felt small, and controlled, and… something else.

“No, Chef. I’m sorry, Chef”

“I’ve written out a list from my notes of all the stuff that happened today at lunch that we need to address”, she handed him her notebook. 

Carm’s stomach dropped. He’d expected the big ones. The Brigade, leaving without warning. But this was a time-marked list of 34 times he had personally fucked up or allowed someone to fuck up without consequence just today. Seeing it all on paper made him want to vomit. The problems went deeper than he thought. The little things were killing them. 

“More there than you thought, right? And that’s just today's lunch”, she stood up and looked at him. There it was again. A quick glance and he could see the kind of tired that came from a thousand bad days and memories. 

“Everyday I take shorthand notes of where we can make improvements, where we fall behind, people’s strengths and weaknesses. Then I go home, type it out, research solutions, put together plans and back up plans and alternatives”, she snatched up her proposal from the desk with a quickness that contrasted her calm tone.

“I condensed six months of that information into a breakdown so simple a fourth grader could understand it. This is true, by the way. My fourth grade cousin read it. He said, and I quote ‘That Brigade shit sucks’. And he preferred some of the more radical approaches in the appendix.” Syd rolled up the proposal like a newspaper and pointed it at him. Carm cleared his throat and backed up toward the door.

“Less than 40 pages, full of graphics. Like a fucking illustrated storybook about your favorite thing in the whole fucking world, and what do you do? You. Don’t. Even. Read it.” She shoved the folder into his chest. He flinched a little at her quiet, deadly tone, glad that the fabric of the jeans was there to hide his other reaction. She was gorgeous like this. Not just angry, but fully herself. She held back so much on the line, and as much as he hated it turned at him, seeing her fire was enough to make him melt.

“Which is why, when I make a suggestion or seem opposed to something, maybe you shouldn't dismiss me because I'm young and inexperienced. Maybe. Just, maybe-”, she took the risotto spoon from his hand, “you should just fucking listen.”

Tears welled in Carm's eyes. For the enormity of the problems he’d been missing, for the time he’d wasted overlooking an obvious asset, and for the scorching anger radiating off of the woman about to bend him over. 

“Chef, I should have-”, Syd cut his apology off by grabbing the front of his apron and pulling him towards her. She lifted his chin with the tip of the risotto spoon.

“Did. I. Ask you. To speak, Chef?” Carm felt his knees go weak. He tried to look down, but the spoon’s sharp tip dug into his chin, forcing him to look her in the eye. 

“No ma’am.”

“No, Chef”, Syd corrected.

“No, Chef. Sorry.”

“Pull down your jeans.”

“Yes, Chef.”

“Wait. I wrote out a consent form for this punishment on the back there. Sign it first.”

“Yes, Chef.”

Carm’s pants had barely hit the ground before he was turned around and ten searing blows rained down. He could feel the teardrop shape of the risotto spoon with each blow.

“Sss. Agh”

Syd released his arm and pushed him into his chair, pants still around his ankles.

“Ssss. Oww. Fuck, Chef”, he whispered, reaching for his bottom.

“Don’t touch it.”

“God! This shit stings!”

“I hope that wasn’t you talking without permission again.”

“Noo, Chef. Sorry, Chef”

“I know you are. And you're going to be a lot sorrier, Chef. But, we don’t have time for long apologies. We’re going to focus on correcting behaviors, okay?”

“Yes, Chef”, she made it all sound so simple. On the line there were a million things to think about and it all came down to him.  But in the moment with her, it felt like he could breathe. Even if she was talking about beating his ass.

“I want you to look this over and write down how many you should get for each offense”, Carm looked down at the paper, panicked. For each offense?

“Chef, please. Listen-” he put the pen down. Syd was reasonable. He would reason with her. He’d negotiated tougher deals. She was angry. He could just talk her down. 

Syd raised an eyebrow and grabbed his arm, pulling him to stand. He blocked his bottom with his hand, “No! Wait!”

“Move it. Now”, Carm’s soul fled his body at her tone. He moved his hand reluctantly, clenching it into a fist at his side as the spoon tore into him again and again.

“Agh agh agh. Sss agh, agh, Aghha!”

“Do. You. Have. Anything. Else. To. Say?” She punctuated each word with an especially heinous blow. Carm whimpered, reminding himself to control his volume so the team wouldn’t hear. His legs kicked backwards, but he held his position for fear of more blows. 

“N-no, Chef. Agh, sss. Please, Chef. Ssss. I’m sorry. No. Agh.”

She pushed him back down into the chair with a hiss, pointing the sharp end of the spoon at his chest. 

“I am not fucking around here, Carm. This whole place lacks discipline. That comes down to you. We could really make something here, but it’s not going to be easy. When we’re out there, you’re in charge. But from now on, in here, it’s my ship. And my ship runs tight. Understood?”

“Yes, Chef”, he winced and shifted in his chair.

“Good. Now do what I said.”

Carm obeyed, tears forming. He thought about keeping the numbers on the low side because there were so many items, but Syd’s threat hung over his head like an anvil and now that he saw on paper everything that was going on, all the ways he had failed- He was almost glad to answer for it. 

He did some quick addition in his head and winced. Just as he was about to crumple the paper and run, Syd put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Good, Chef. Let me see it”, she ran her thumb over the back of his neck and he relaxed a little. She shook her head. Always so tense.

He handed her the paper, chewing the pen nervously. She took her time to look over his choices, then grabbed the pen from his mouth. She wiped it on her apron and gave him a disapproving glance.

“Sorry, Chef”

She shot him a warning look and he dropped his eyes, berating himself. Only talk when she tells you to talk. Was it that hard or was he just an idiot? Well, he’d just filled out an execution form proving just that hadn’t he? Stupid. Idiot. Moron. Failure.

You'll never be good enough to make someone stay.

“Chef?”

“Yes, Chef?”

“I asked you a question.”

“Sorry, Chef. I-”

“Just straight up dissociated, bro. That’s some repressed trauma shit, Chef. Al-Anon’s not going to address that for you. You need a therapist.”

“I don’t hav-”

“Oh, wait did I dissociate too? Did I black out and ask for excuses while I was unconscious?”

“No, Ch-”, Syd cut off his answer, pulling him up and into a flurry of sharp swats. He let out a whimper. She folded her arms.

“Listen, we’ll talk about the therapist thing more. I'll hear you out when we talk tonight and I know you have more to SAY” she cut off his reply with a hand gesture, “Table it. The last question I asked, before you again, straight up left the plane, was why do you think I had you look this over and choose your punishments individually instead of just deciding how to punish you myself?’”

“I guess- so I’d have to look at all the ways I fucked up”, he sniffled, near tears already.

“Whoa. God, that’s dark. No”, she laughed and lifted his chin, “Chef, you’re not, like, fucking up. This is normal kitchen shit. You just need to be aware of what's going on so we can correct it. Right?”

“Yes, Chef”, he mumbled, feeling a little better. Her hand felt good on the scruff of her chin. She slid it down to give his neck a small massage and the way she was rough and gentle at the same time felt familiar. Felt like family.

He dove into her shoulder, squeezing his eyes tight to keep from crying. She rubbed his back and rolled her eyes. What had she gotten herself into? Her apartment was too small for a puppy this size.

“Jesus Christ, Carm. You’ve really been through it, huh?”, he winced and nodded. She gave him a look to show she understood. 

“I had you fill this out, because I wanted to see where your priorities were. It’s exactly like I expected, you gave yourself 30 for leaving, 20 for forgetting a backorder. But only 10 for ignoring Richie’s disruptions, Marcus’s pranks, Tina’s bad behavior, things you let go unchecked.”

“My… bad? Chef?”, he said letting a little sarcasm creep into his tone.

"Stupid time to be a smart ass, Carmy”, he nodded quickly, straightening up and crossing his arms behind him, eyes flickering to the spoon in her hand before landing on the ground. She straightened his apron. It was doing a bad job of hiding his erection. She resisted the urge to poke it with a spoon. 

“And it’s not bad, it’s just not working. For a Michelin Sous Chef, your approach to the kitchen makes perfect sense. But you’re Head Chef now. And the owner. And this place is small, all hands on deck. Your job isn’t to put out fires. It’s to figure out how to keep them from starting.”

“Heard, Chef”, and he really did hear. He had been so busy trying to dodge bullets he’d forgotten to look for the gun.

“That’s why you’re going to take every item on that list that wasn’t a cooking or planning error, the actions that reflect your leadership, and I want you to triple the number”, Carm looked up at her, eyes wide as a cartoon. Syd handed him the pen, “Now.”

WHAP!

After the hundredth swat, Carm thought it couldn’t get much worse. After the 180th swat he thought the same thing. After Syd landed 216, 217, 218, 219, and 220 rapid fire on the place where his ass and thigh met and it hurt so bad he wanted to scream, but the thought of Tina or Ebraheim or god forbid fucking Gary walking by made him settle for a muffled moan, he thought “Fuck me. This can’t get any worse.”

It was amazing how many times a man could be wrong in one day.

WHAP!

Even as he danced in pain, panting, grunting under the ever falling blows, he realized how much he had needed this. Her hand on the small of his back as he bent over her notebook on the desk, reading off his sins and punishments one by one. A baptism.

WHAP!

His muffled whimpers were like choir music with the spoon beating a constant rhythm.

WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!!!

“Mmnuughhh. Ohhhh. Please Che-heh-eff…”

“You can keep “Please, Chef-ing”, all you want, but this will be over when we cross off that list. We’ve got the last big three. Let's go. Leaving me alone without warning during a massive transition.”

“Thirty, Chef”, Carm croaked, throat rough from holding back cries. Syd took back up her task and moved her blows to the thighs. All thoughts of holding back fled Carm’s mind and he cried out in pain.

“Agh! AgHAA! No, Chef!! Please, Chef!!”

“You remember your safe word?”

“Yes, Chef!!”

“Need to use it?”

“Nohoo Chef…”

“Next up?”

“I didn’t reprimand Richie, and he basically started a mutiny. Fucki- Thirty, Chef. Please, Chef. Wait, Chef! Wait!”

“We’re almost done, Chef. Don’t earn any extras.”

“Yes, Chefffffaaagh-OWWW! Ahowww! Agghhooow. I’m sorry!! I’m sorry, Chef!! I'm sorry!!!”

“I know you are, Chef. And you’re taking it well”, she never paused her assault, or softened, even while comforting. Not until she’d reached the number. 

“We’re going to make changes, do better and turn this place around, aren’t we, Chef?” 

“Yes, Chef.”

“Last one.”

Carm looked at the number and broke down crying. Syd patted his back for a moment, then rested the spoon on his bottom as a gentle warning.

“Come on, Chef. We’ve got dinner to prep.”

“Yes, Chef… I didn’t pay attention to Tina’s behavior, even when you tried to tell me… And I- I yelled at you in front of her. Which I’m so- SO sorry for, Chef”

“The number, Chef.”

“... sixty, Chef.”

Tears streamed from Carmy’s eyes as Syd pulled his boxers down and rubbed a rough hand over his tender cheeks. He drooped with short lived relief at her touch before the teardrop shape seared its way onto every inch of his behind. Syd painted his bottom a deep cherry red so vivid that Marcus would have taped it to his wall. His knees almost buckled and his soft sobs were the first release he’d felt in months.

And then, as suddenly as it had started, it was over. The burning assault was replaced with a gentle hand rubbing his back. Syd hushed and cooed, her voice gentle.

“Good, Chef. You did so good.”

“I’m sorry, Chef”, he blocked his face with his arm. Syd pulled it to his side.

“Deep breath, Chef.”, he took a short rasping breath in. She held his hands and met his eyes, calm, but firm, “Deep breath, Carm. Listen to me, deep breath.”

He hiccuped, but complied, taking a shaky, but noticeably longer breath.

“Good, Chef. Keep breathing”, she joined him, arms around his shoulders, touching her head to his. The feel of her breath in tune with his calmed him. This close, she smelled like garlic and lavender. He looked up and into her eyes. She held his gaze and looked over his face, taking in the relief, the repentance, and then the hunger. She smiled, rolled her eyes and popped him with the spoon. He shot up to rub his bottom. She swatted him again.

“No rubbing, Chef”, He groaned and wiped his eyes.

“Until when, Chef?”

“Until you get home tonight”

“Cheeff”, he whined, earning himself a few more soft swats, not that Carm could tell they were soft at that point. He jumped with each one.

“Ok, Chef, okaaay!”

“Pants up.”

He danced on his toes for a moment, fighting the urge to rub with everything in his body, then pulled up his pants with a hiss. Syd wiped a few stray tears from his face. He flinched a little when he saw the spoon in her hand. She rolled her eyes.

“Hey. Come on. It’s not a snake”, but she set the spoon down on the desk. He chuckled softly.

“Bites like one”, Syd smiled. It was good to see him relaxed. Come to think of it, she was more relaxed than she’d been in years.

“It wasn’t all bad, was it, Chef?” she giggled, tucking in his shirt in the places he’d missed. 

“No, Chef”, he mumbled, with a small misty smile.

“It was good for me too,” she smiled, “I’ll have to bum a cigarette.”

He laughed. 

“And we haven’t even talked about possible rewards for good behavior.”

“Rewards, Chef?”

“We’ll see.” she grinned and in that moment he’d have burned the place to the ground for a chance to hear her moan.

“Umm, Chef? I-I know this might get me popped again, but- about everything. I should’ve listened. And I will, from now on.”

“You better, Chef”, Syd smiled and headed for the door. Carm started to follow, shrinking a little at the thought of facing his coworkers so soon. Syd turned and put a hand on his shoulder, sitting him back in the seat with a wince.

“I've got the line for now. Take a beat. Get yourself together. Oh, and get your toothbrush ready tonight, my floors are looking a little dirty.”

“But, I just-”

She brought the spoon down with a crash on the top of his thigh, handing it to him. He flinched.

“Heard, Chef.”

“Leave that in the top drawer”

“Yes, Chef”

“And Carmen.”

“Yes, Chef?”

“Tonight, I don't want to see you keeping your head above water. I want you to go out there and be fucking great. If anything happens we'll work it out together. Understood, Chef?”

“Yes, Chef… thank you, Chef.”

There was more behind the words. Syd nodded and closed the door behind her. Carmen put the spoon in the top drawer and reached automatically toward his bottom to rub. He stopped himself, clenching his fists. How would she know? He shook his head. 

She just would. 

He sighed and sat back in the chair that used to be his brother’s and looked around the office, piled in bills. For the first time in forever, his shoulders were relaxed and his head was clear. Snippets of ideas for new recipes washed over him like waves, but tonight he had to go be excellent. Or else. 

[boredalistic]

I really don't want to be mean to myself.

But I don't like how mad I get.

It scares me that my temper is so low.

I am trying my best to be my best self.

I am trying to control my emotions, my voice, the way I act...

I don't mean to be mean. I genuinely was just freaking out. I didn't know what to do. My first week of college... I just wasn't used to all of this. It scares me.

In some ways. I forgive myself. I am also begging forgiveness from everyone who witness my act of anger. I deeply am sorry.

I'm so sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

They all told me that everything is gonna be okay... Well, only one person. Everyone could go die in a hole.

I know I can pass. I know everything will go well. I am a good person. If I feel this badly towards me raising my voice slightly higher because some guy in my class decided to mumble something so obvious.... I get I was trying to defend myself but please calm down.

I am proud of myself for even saying anything because I've never been this brave before. But... Just the way, how she looked at me...

It happened hours ago haha... But I know I am trying to fix my mistakes.

I am reflecting over and over. Trying my best to be better.

I don't want him to see me like this. I want to be a good girl for him.

...

There's always a side we don't know of someone.

In this case, people don't know how bad my anxiety can get.

I was literally crying while I drove home today. It just made me so fucking upset. AND THEN I SAW MY FRIENDS DRIVING RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND MY CAR--- SO I had to quickly wipe out my tears and just drive away from them. But god, I continued to cry for another 10 minutes until I got home. I got my answer. But I really want to be a Radiation Therapist. I am willing to do anything to get to that level safely and intelligently. As in I want to do it in a legal way.

ahhhh.

There's so much things to be thankful for in life.

The fact that I got my hearing back. That I have friends who are willing to study and eat and laugh with me. Definitely not for rants or therapy because jesus, it got quiet.... I just was not having a good day and usually I just push away everyone because I get really really moody if I'm not alone. But ugh, they helped me with math so I guesssss.

But I got to go to college for free. Got a free coach. Free internet. Free Gym. Free food at home. A nice bed with a cusion finally.

I got good professors and classmates. I finally have a driver license. Driving my dream car. Everyone loves and adores my art. I have amazing friends. I am working at my dream place. I am prettyy rich. I'm very pretty. I have cute clothes. I get my own privacy. I have an adorable guinea pig. My parents have jobs again. I have everything I need close to me. I meet amazing, rich, confident people everyday (In college, you'll find all sorts of people).

Yep, I am doing pretty good. And at least, I'm trying to be a good person. I really want to be someone that thinks before acting.

My apologies.

[sallymurder]

long time no see, i'm gonna be ranting today. there's no prompt.

i was expecting for someone to be proud of me once i graduated but nobody actually cares. i went to highschool for a whole four days but i graduated- that's impressive, right? i impressed myself but nobody else cares.

before i graduated mom always held things above my head. she said i can start going to therapy once i graduate, shell help me get a computer once i graduate, shell start teaching me how to drive once i graduate. none of that happened. i dont think it will at this point. all i've gotten so far is a dead dog.

she quit her job this morning without even thinking about it. she makes all these promises to me and it really shows how little they mean. we won't have any money for the things i've been promised. i shouldn't have expected them in the first place though, she never keeps her promises.

my little brothers birthday was yesterday (august 25th, '22) , she got him his favorite for dinner and a nice cake. that's usually all i would've gotten /if/ that. but this weekend he's having all his classmates over for a party, not only that, but she's paying $400 to have a waterslide for the day. i never had big parties like that, i never had a huge celebration. im jealous.

i'm trying to find a job so i can get away from mom, but i live in a college town and nowhere wants to hire me when there's thousands of better people who live right across the street from them. it's hard, but i'm trying.

#online diary #my diary #daily diary #tumblr diary #dear diary #i hate everything