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alienwithaguitar · 3 months

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Does anyone else think this Wilbur thing has been blown way out of proportion? First of all, I am in FULL support of Shelby and am not defending Wilbur. As a victim myself, I sympathize with her story, and I will never discredit her experiences. But this community is going to extremes that make me so fucking uncomfortable.

What people forget is that Wilbur has a record label. He CAN'T say whatever he wants. There’s a reason he made a statement not an apology, why Lovejoy hasn’t said anything, why he never mentioned Shelby by name, why he didn’t apologize- because making promises can get you in legal trouble. One of the first things you learn about car accidents is to not apologize, even if it's your fault, because that will be used against you in court. Admissions can even get you in trouble for things you didn’t do, if the other party decides to push for that. He’s almost certainly not allowed to apologize because his record label can't risk the legal trouble. We can excuse Quackity for making poor statements for the same reason, so why can't we keep that energy here?

Wilbur has always been an unstable man. As a long time fan and someone who heavily relates to YCGMA’s themes of being awful and feeling like you’ll never get better, he struggles with a lot of mental problems. His persona has been built around manic, destructive tendencies and that’s something that’s been a part of his brand for YEARS. He's brought up drugs and alcohol use in the past, and one of his closest friends recently passed away, which certainly only added to things. Mental health isn't an excuse, but it is a REASON. (Listen to Mammalian Sighing Reflex and tell me it doesn’t resemble compilations of artists deteriorating as they lose their sanity)

I don’t understand how anyone can actively want him to kill himself. Or wish that he gets worse. You can’t claim to be an advocate for mental health and helping victims if you don’t want EVERYONE involved getting serious help. Wilbur needs therapy, he needs to atone if either of them want to heal. Nobody has to forgive him, or welcome him back into their life, but he absolutely deserves the chance to fix himself to ensure this doesn’t happen AGAIN.

If you can seriously say that you want him to get worse, and you don’t care about his mental health, then you DON'T care about victims. Leaving a destructive man to rot alone WILL lead to repeat events in the future. As someone with multiple diagnoses for debilitating mental illnesses, when I was at my lowest, I hurt myself. I hurt other people. Mental illness isn’t cute shit you put in your bio. It's terrifying, isolating, exhausting. And if I wasn’t given a chance at therapy and healing, I could have continued hurting people for the rest of my life.

These tweets just confirm none of you actually care about mentally ill people, it's all situational and performative. This is the most clear cry for help I've seen and you're feeding into it. Most of you will never understand what debilitating mental illness is like, how easy it is to hurt people you care about. You can hate him, be pissed, wish he never did it, deplatform him, I AM TOO! But nobody involved would be happy if he killed himself. These are real people, not characters in a soap drama. Actively wishing for him to kill himself is disgusting. If you care at all about Shelby getting closure, Wilbur needs to understand what he did wrong and fix it, so she can move on.

Also the lying I’ve seen is so stupid. The spotify stuff is fake. Anyone who’s a casual fan of Wilbur has known for a long time that’s not his spotify account. It’s a fan account that posts unofficial versions of his songs. So easily debunked and yet people still hold it against him??

Again, I'm in FULL support of Shelby. I fully condemn his actions, and as a victim I'm so proud of her for speaking up. But at the end of the day, we’re people. I'm glad many of you have never had the kind of debilitating downward spiral that leads to you hurting yourself and others, but if you think that makes it okay to wish an unstable man takes his life, then you can’t say you’re a mental health advocate. Take care of yourselves, please think twice about your own morals if you're sitting around hoping fans and creators commit suicide.

If you are one of the people actively waiting for him to kill himself, I pray that you never find yourself hurting others at your lowest, and I pray that people show you the kindness you didn't give to him.

#not a wilbur defense post #but its still important to consider #wilbur #wilbursoot #wilbur soot #shelby #shelby shubble #shubble

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swirlymarimo · 4 months

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Zoro sits silently at the otherwise empty kitchen table, his head nestled against his palm as he watches their ships cook flit around, preparing breakfast for the crew. It's early. Too damn early if you ask him, the sun is barely just rising over the horizon. Its light is soft and golden, pouring in from the window on the adjacent wall.

He had been sitting alone in the crows nest, finishing up his nights watch when he had heard the familiar squeak of the galley door. After finishing the last of his push-ups he grabbed the towel from the bar on the wall and wiped the sweat from bis brow. "I should probably shower." He spoke into the deafening silence. Sanji would want nothing to do with him if he waltzed into the kitchen in his present state.

With the cook up and about, he decided it's fine to end his watch and move to the bathroom to freshen up. It won't take long, things would be okay with ten or so minutes of loose supervision.

Now here he sits, clean and refreshed watching the love of his life be the most obnoxious type of morning person there was. How someone can be this full of energy before the world was even awake will never makes sense to him. Right now he seems to be humming some old shanty while he tossses ingredients into a large mixing bowl.

He looks beautiful in the early morning light. The golden sunlight is casting a halo that makes him practically glow like treasure. Not to mention how cute and domestic he looks in his stupid pink apron.

"Need some help?"

He just can't shake the pull of soul wanting to be closer to the man at the counter. He was breathtaking. Zoro wants to burn this image into his mind.

Without even turning to spare him a glance, Sanji answers, "No, I'm alright. I don't have much to do."

"You were just saying yesterday I need to help out around the ship more." Zoro knows the comment was merely an excuse to bicker at the time when it was said, but now perhaps it can be his excuse to be closer. He really means to say "I just want to be domestic with you." But he's certain the cook can read between the lines and understand that he just wants to do something simple in each others company.

Sanji humors him this time, turning and placing one hand on his hip. "Do you even know how to do anything in a kitchen?" He asks.

In all honesty, no, he does not. So he makes his best offer, "I can do the dishes you're making. Dry them and put them away too. Or I can help you cut stuff. Kind of my thing isn't it?"

Zoro tried to joke, but Sanji doesn't find it comedic at all.

"Please its not the same kind of cutting at all. Cutting things in the kitchen is far different in technique than weilding a katana." Sanji now turns back to his station and adds the batter he's made to the waiting skillet on the stove. It sizzles for a moment as it hits the hot surface.

"I can't become the greatest swordsman if I can't even master a kitchen knife. Show me. Then I can help." Zoro mentally pats himself on the back for his clever in.

His smirk falls when Sanji laughs loudly. "Are you serious? You'll take my instruction on something?"

Zoro has to brush off the small amount of annoyance he feels at being teased. Remembering his ultimate goal is to participate in some form of bonding activity he keeps at it.

"Yeah. I master a new blade. You get breakfast done a little quicker. It's a win-win."

Sanji turns again to face his lover who seems very intent on helping today. "Is this really because I said you aren't very helpful around the ship? Because I wasn't being that serious, you do plenty." He feels a little bit of guilt creep into his chest.

"No. It's not that." Zoro gives Sanji a soft look, one he reserves only for the blonde. "Look pretty cook I just want to spend some time with you before everyone gets up. That's all." Zoro confesses.

Sanji gives Zoro a look of his own. Soft eyes and a small, genuine smile.

"Okay lover boy, first things first, go wash your hands. You're not touching anything until I know you're not contaminated."

Zoro smirks in victory, a smart remark already on the back of his tongue

"Yes chef."

And Sanji rolls his eyes so hard they may just roll right out of his head, but even so, a light laugh rings into the quiet galley.

#zosan #zoro x sanji #zoro and sanji #my post #established zosan #zoro wants to help #sanjis love language is quality time #zoros love language is acts of service #mini fic #ficlet #zosan ficlet

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mayasaurusss · 4 days

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I want headcanons on dating a werewolf!lottie 🫡🫡🫡 like she would be an amazing werewolf so fluffy big and silly pls

A/N: Very sorry @sokestry, as always I started the headcanons without reading the full request before... I really should stop and think before doing these, but any other attempt I did today was MEDIOCRE so I kept this. I can make another set of headcanons more centered on the relationship, if you want! These past weeks have been rough on me, so blame university for my bad writing!

Warnings: fluff, implied start of relationship.

"Anyways, I'm sure there's nothing in it. You were probably just high. And why where you even there in the first place?" you joke half heartedly with Van. "And I continue to say, there was something! I am sure of it! And, that's none of your business". Van sits back in her chair, blushing slightly "Were you trying to recreate some scenes from your stupid slasher movies or were you hooking up with Tai?" Lottie joins the 'let's bother Van' game.

There was a rumor in town: the woods were haunted. Or at least, that's wat everyone who returned from them said. Couples which wanted to spend some 'fun time' togheter, groups of friends wanting to feel the thirll of something begin with them in the woods, all said the same.

At night, when everyone's asleep, something roams the woods, searching for introuders.

"Uh, let's not talk about that. I tell you, I heard something in the woods" she continues, "Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever you say Van". That last phrase must have made her mad, 'cause her fists slam heavly on the table and her voice becomes slightly more loud than usual. "If you are that sure of yourself then, come on! Go! I want to see if your shit eating grin will still be there when you go into the woods!".

Lottie sips on her drink, "I think she's right. Besides, it's not safe to go out at night alone. Who knows which creeps are around".

Lottie, your... 'friend' has always been at your side, ever since the start of college. Lately, her demeanor has changed: once she used to be more shy and reserved but her personality has taken a new turn around two months ago. Now, she couldn't stop begin around you and trying to protect you. Probably, Van's challenge was making her uncomfortable.

"What, are you a chicken?" Van ignores Lottie, "You will understand what I'm talking about once you go there".

The moon is high in the sky tonight, like a giant white marble piercing through the dark. The air feels cold, too freezing to be an early summer evening.

You try not to mind the countless of spines slashing at your irritated skin, which by now has started to leave a faint trail of blood down your leg.

Annoyance fills your brain and you mentally face palm yourself: you should have known that it was a bad idea agreeing to Van's.

No matter, you're here now.

The woods are eerily queit. The air feels suddenly thick and heavy. Every sound the forest made before has gone queit and there's onyl the sound of your own breath. And that of a branch snapping behind you.

The blood in your veins freezes and you halt your movments. How the fuck can a branch snap on it's own?

You quickly whip your head around to be met by a pair of golden eyes. You can't make out what this thing is, just that big.

It hunches over you, almost kneeling on the ground, trapped in between the pine branches.

Tired of it's position, it shrugs off and stands on it's back legs. Now you can make it more clearly: it's tall, really tall.

You tell your libms to move, to run, to spend every single amout of energy you have left to make a run for it. Anything to stay alive, anything at all. But you don't, you can't.

Your limbs feel like lead and your body is almost paralized, like a deer in headlights.

The creature ducks under a high branch and comes back up stumbling over it's legs. It's so tall that it can't move as freely has it wants. Nevertheless, it's agile enough to be in front of you in seconds.

For how much you can see, it's covered in fur and has a long mound.

It releases a puff of air on your face, like it's releasing some kind of tension from it's chest. It comes even closer, as if it's any more possible, and now you're eyeing it's chest. Close enough that you can see each individual fur and how the night breeze moves it.

Unconciusly you meet it's eyes, expecting to find something horrifying, something that will tear your face open; only to be meet with what looks to be a... dog.

A big, giant, fluffy dog. Well, it resembles more a brownish wolf. It has an eerie human look to it, like it can understand your fear completely.

It's has deep brown eyes -the yellow colour must've been the reflection of the fallen flashlight-, on it's forehead there's a small scar without any fluff covering it.

The big, giant, fluffy dog gets closer to you, it starts to smell around your face. It's attentive, trying to unederstand if you are a threath or not. If it knows you, or not.

You look in diesbelief when the big, giant, fluffy dog starts to wave it's tail behind it's back. In just a matter of seconds, it's on you: all that you can feel is it's fur on you, heavy breathing, the thump of it's tail and an occasional lick on your face.

With curiosity, you reach a hand behind it's left ear and scratch.

The creature falls to it's side and for a second you think it got hurt in some way, but it has adjusted so that you can pet it's belly.

When you do, it's starts to let out some light wines of approval. And you are even more confused.

You'd wish you could stay here longer, that you could spend more time with this thing -for how crazy that sounds- but you're getting cold -that's on you for not bringing a jacket- and most importantly, you fear that if you accidentally do the wrong move, the next thing that that thing will do is ripping your guts open.

You wait for the creature to be comfortable enough, then, ever so slowly you get up, careful to not upset it -or to not stomp on it's tail-.

Just some minutes later, it wakes up. Cold and alone.

The morning after your little adventure, you're begin pestered by Van, "So? Is Miss 'I'm not scared of anything' convinced now? Or did you chiken out?".

You can't let her know she was right, or you'd never hear the end of it.

"I'm not sure what you saw, but I didn't see nor heard anything" you say while trying not to show your nervousness. "Yeah sure. You have an habit of lying; I remember when we saw 'The Conjuring'. You acted all cool then the day aft-"

Lottie falls heavly on the chair next to yours and hides her face in her arms.

Both you and Van look at eachother before turning to Lottie, "Hey Lottie? Sweetie? Is everything ok?" she visibly shudders at the pet name, but tries to play it off. "Yes...Just a bit tired, that's all".

Lottie has a strange look to herself today. During summer she usually wears one of those skimpish outfits of hers, but today she's covered head to toe. It looks like she hasn't slept all night.

"Uhm... ok...if you say so", Lottie seems stranger than usual. She's looking at you with a certain sparkle in her eyes. And, as if you hurt her somehow.

Some weeks go by with Lottie behaving ever so strangely. When you've had enough, you decide to crash at her house without telling her both to see what's she's been up to and to make her annoyed.

It's eight pm when you climb and knock on Lottie's window, startling the poor girl. She's wearing a black tank top and a pair of shorts. She looks almost angry at the fact that you're here.

"Why are you here?" she huffs at you while falling back on her bed. "Oh come on Lottie. You've been acting weirder than usual, I just wanted to check ok you. That's what friends do".

A small whine leaves Lottie, "We... We are not friends". Freezing your movements, you look back at her. "What are we then, Lottie?"

She's about to answer you, when her words die in her throat. A shiver travels up her body as her body starts to morph.

When you try to get closer to her and help, she shows you back on her bed and tries to run away from you. But her legs are too weak.

You watch as your best friend becomes something else. The second she starts to change, something in your mind snaps and links everything together.

The transformation is so terrifying that you can't watch. When you look back, your best friend has morphed into the creature from the woods.

She looks almost ashamed of herself, trying to make herself become smaller and to evade your eyes. Her tail fits snugly into her legs while from her throat leave whines.

She almost jumps up when she feels your hand on her. You ran your fingers on her brownish fur while holding her.

You try to not show your terror, and hold her closer than possible.

"Don't worry... You're ok...". You stay with her until morning, when her body becomes hers again.

As soon as she returns back to normal, Lottie throws her arms on your shoulders and snugs into your neck. Tears stain your shirt and she sobs uncontrollably "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I-I'm this ugly thing... I was... I was scared of hurting you. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I did".

You sit in silence, trying to comfort her at the best of your abilities.

"So... Why did you jump on me that night?" Lottie's breath halts and you can feel her cheeks heating up on your skin.

"Huh... You really like me then!" Lottie shudders in your arms "Stooop".

#yellowjackets x reader #yellowjackets x you #yellowjackets #lottie matthews x reader #lottie matthews x you #lottie mathews x reader #yellowjackets fic #yj fic #yj

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averynicebowlofsoup · 5 months

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With Hazbin getting released, I just have a few thoughts because I'm tired and internet culture/etiquette online these days has gotten out of hand.

If you do not like something, keep it to yourself. If you don't have anything nice to say, just move on and don't interact with it. Or instead of making blatant, hateful statements, open a discussion so everyone's perspectives can be heard and seen. Please. For the sake of other people who find joy in different types of media. In a shocking turn of events, Hazbin Hotel is not real. It's not based on true events, it's not made to be some social discussion, it's made for entertainment purposes.

If you are not entertained, you're allowed to leave the show and find something that DOES entertain you. Please stop shitting on other people for enjoying something.

Stop shitting on the actors, stop shitting on the writers, stop criticizing this show frame by frame, moment by moment. The full season isn't even out! People are so quick to judge and assume things about this show. Before it even came out and things were leaked, people immediately jumped to conclusions and were sending death threats and hate to creators and if you were not aware, that isn't normal behavior.

Viv has her issues, sure. We all do. We're human.

I just want to enjoy a show I've been so hyped about for months now that just brings me a little joy in a world where it's hard to find. I want to enjoy it without scrolling and every other post seeing criticism, hate, or 'I like this but--' No buts. You can like something without tearing down something else. If you think something could have been better, that's what fanfiction is for. That's what fanart can be for. Make the content you want to see. And if you can't make the content you want to see, go looking for it or shocker, just ignore the show. Ignore the content. It's not hurting anyone else.

Vitriol and hatred on the internet are becoming so normalized and its getting tiring. You can curate your own online experience.

People need to learn to read as well. If you don't like musicals or think the singing is too much, then don't watch Hazbin. It says in the first sentence of the description that it's a musical. Ding ding ding, red flag, you probably won't enjoy it. In the warnings at the top of the screen, it says it has foul language. If you don't like that kind of thing, it probably won't be for you.

Please for the live of all that is good and holy, just allow people to enjoy something. There are shows I really don't like but I'm not going to waste my mental energy or thoughts on hating something I don't like. I'd much rather pour that energy into something I love!

I'm just a little guy trying to find some joy in a fucked up world and if I can escape by watching a show about hell, please just let me. It's not that hard to block people. It's not that hard to simply ignore.

TL;DR: stop hating people for liking/enjoying/interacting with different forms of entertainment and put that energy into something else, please.

Curate your online experience and find a little joy in something instead of tearing down people/creators.

To those who enjoy the show, to those who just pour all of their love into it by making fanart, fanfictions, thoughtful commentary, discussion boards, headcannons, etc, you all get forehead kisses and love. Thank you for sharing in my joy and fueling my love for these goobers. ♡

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel discussion #hazbin hotel discourse #hazbin hotel is amazing #fandom #helluva boss

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thegreatcanadianjackalope · 8 months

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Hi!! Little prompt for Izzy/fang/frenchie— could we maybe get some Izzy comfort? It could be safeword comfort, things going too quickly and Izzy flipping out, anxious that he safeworded, or it can be comfort for anything! Just lots of Fang and Frenchie working together v well and in sync to take care of their scrungly little man <3

Summary: Frenchie and Fang notice Izzy isn't sleeping well. They want to do something about that.

Fluffy Hut/comfort with some mild discussion of trauma (canon typical)

Note: I love this! I'm going to save the safeword comfort for another story because this is the story that jumped out at me when I read your beautiful prompt.

This is unedited right now. I might come back and clean it up later but for the moment my focus is on getting the writing flowing.

Music inspo for this fic is Rosy Golan's It's Been a Long Day

Fang found Frenchie organizing goods in the hold. He knew it was still weird for Bonnets crew to see Frenchie and Jim doing so much work, but Fang was honestly pleased to see that neither of them were backsliding into laziness. If anything, their hard work was rubbing off on the others.

“Hey, man. How’re things going?” Fang asked.

Frenchie startled but settled into a smile when he realized it was only fang. “Good, yeah. Things are good. Just, you know, keepin’ busy.”

“And everything’s good with the mind box?” Fang asked, gesturing vaguely at his head.

“Yeah, good. It’s good. Everything is you know…” Frenchie trailed off as he looked into the distance.

“Good?”

“Yes. Yeah. Exactly.” Frenchie said, brightening back up.

Fang decided to leave that alone for now. “Listen, have you seen Izzy recently?”

“Saw him this morning, why?”

“Did you notice that he looked a little… unwell?” Fang asked.

Frenchie scoffed. “What do you mean? He looks loads better than he did before. He’s got his new leg on, he’s clean, and he doesn’t even have any visible bruises.”

“That is true,” Fang hedged. “It’s only, I don’t think he’s sleeping much. To me, it looks like he hasn’t slept in a few days.

Frenchie looked considering. “Hmm, now that you mention it. I did see him practicing his sword fighting really early this morning, and Wee John said he was working real late last night.”

“I guess I’m just worried about him. The rest of us don’t sleep good at all, and we agreed he’s the most fucked up of all of us, so it must be worse for him.” Fang said, not bothering to hide the concern in his voice.

“Yeah, but its not so bad now that the crew is back because if one of us wakes up from a nightmare another crew person is always right there.” A moment of realization seemed to dawn on Frenchie. “Except Izzy doesn’t sleep in the crew pile. He sleeps alone. In the room where Blackbeard took his first toe. Oh shit, babes. Can’t say I blame him.”

Fang felt a blush creep up his neck at the nickname. He absolutely did not let himself giggle. Frenchie calls everyone that. He wasn’t flirting with fang. Besides, Fang was supposed to be solving the Izzy problem. “I wish we could just convince him to join us in the pile, but I don’t think he’d ever go for that.”

“I mean, he has loosened up a lot lately, but that might be a step to far. What if we brought the pile to him?” Frenchie asked.

“I don’t think that’s better. If anything, he’d be mad there was no one watching the deck.”

“No, I meant you and me. We could go to his room tonight and force him to sleep and tell him we’ll watch out for him,” Frenchie suggested.

Fang considered this. Actually, it made sense. Izzy wouldn’t really trust the rest of Bonnet’s crew, Archie and Jim had a particular energy about them. One that wasn’t conducive to a full night’s rest.

Fang agreed and they made plans to meet at Izzy’s room later.

….

Izzy sat heavily on his bed. He knew he needed to take off his hoof and check his leg, but he couldn’t make himself move. He was exhausted. Mentally, physically, emot—nope. Just mentally and physically. He was having trouble sleeping. That was all. He couldn’t sleep because they were heading into a new season and the sun cycles were changing. It was all to be expected. He’d adjust. He would.

Izzy was startled from his thoughts when he heard a knock at his door. Before he could respond, the door opened, and Fang and Frenchie spilled into the room.

“Oh, yes, please do come in. Thank you for knocking. It was very considerate of you,” Izzy said sarcastically. Though he knew that his words lacked their usual edge.

“Hi boss,” Fang said, brightly, “We were hoping to spend the night in here with you.” Frenchie was nodding in agreement.

Exhausted, Izzy asked, “Why? There are plenty of places on the ship if you’re too cold to sleep on deck.”

Frenchie said, “Yeah, but the thing is that Fang here has been having nightmares, and he said he hasn’t been feeling safe enough to sleep lately.”

Frenchie jabbed Fang with his elbow and Fang said, “Oh yeah! Everything that happened just keeps coming back to me. And I thought ‘hey what place is safer on this ship, than with Izzy Hands?’”

The crack of a cannon, a flash of lighting, the glint of light on a saw, and the smell of gunpowder flashed through Izzy’s mind in quick succession. His stomach rolled and he clenched his jaw.

“I’m a cripple now boys. You’re better off with just about anyone else on this ship. Hell, you’d be better off on your own. I’m a liability now.” Izzy didn’t like how truthful the words were, but he was just too tired to cover it up.

Fang frowned, “Boss, you literally saved our lives. You understand that, right? We would be dead without you. Lying at the bottom of sea.”

Izzy scoffed but didn’t argue he didn’t have the energy. He also really didn’t have the energy to watch over them tonight. It was on his tongue to say no when the image of a scene he walked into popped into his head. Fang crying into his cake and Frenchie staring blankly, emptily into the distance. And then, bizarrely, the feeling of Fang’s arms around him and Frenchie’s palm, warm in his.

“Okay, you can stay here. I’ll make sure you’re safe,” Izzy said. He couldn’t tell them that this room had long since been safe, but he thought he could probably make it safe for Fang just for tonight.

“Great!” Fang exclaimed and then immediately went over to Izzy’s dresser. “Frenchie help me with this.” The two began dragging the dresser across the floor.

“What the fuck?” Izzy asked incredulously.

Frenchie explained, “We’re blocking the door with the dresser, so no one can get in. This way, you don’t have to stay up all night.”

“I thought the whole point was that you needed me so you could feel safe,” Izzy said, suddenly feeling useless despite not wanting that responsibility only minutes before.

“This is just the first defence, boss. This way if Blac—Someone tries to come in, we’ll hear them and you’ll be ready to protect us,” Fang said.

“And if there’s a fire?”

Frenchie laughs, “A fire? We’re on the ocean. We’re literally surrounded by water.”

Izzy sighs deeply. “There are so many things wrong with that I don’t know where to start.” The thing was though. In Izzy’s 35 years at sea, he’d only really had to deal with one major fire. Fire wasn’t what kept him up at night. In fact, just seeing the door blocked by that heavy hunk of wood was settling something in him he didn’t care to examine. “Fine. If it makes you feel safer.”

Izzy began the arduous process of removing his peg leg. Before he could even get the straps undone, Fang was by his side.

“Let me help you with that, Izzy.”

Izzy growled, “I’m a cripple not an invalid.”

“He knows that,” Frenchie said. “Helping you will make him feel better, innit? Don’t you want Fang to feel better?”

Izzy huffed but didn’t move to stop Fang as he eased the false leg off and placed it to the side. Fang loosened the tie on Izzy’s pant leg and pulled the leg up his thigh. Izzy wished he had some semblance of embarrassment about this, but the four of them had seen Izzy in every stage of loosing his leg so it wasn’t like he could say it would be a shock for Fang.

Frenchie brought over Izzy’s water basin and said, “Here you go, babes.”

Abruptly, Izzy took in the scene before him. Fang, kneeling on the ground, about to wash Izzy’s stump, while Frenchie watched. Heat creeped up his neck and he felt a bit woozy. This was too intimate. He was too vulnerable. He needed to put a stop to this. He was about to do just that when Fang began gently dragging the cloth across the raw skin.

Izzy’s eyes fluttered shut. When he did this for himself, he was impatient and rough. It had always hurt. Now, with Fang being careful, it didn’t feel good exactly, but it was nothing like the pain he was used to.

“It’s looking better. Does the new leg fit better? You don’t have as many cuts and wounds.” Frenchie asked.

Izzy tamped down on the flare of emotion that burst in him at the mention of that fucking leg. He didn’t think he could speak without his voice cracking, so he just nodded in reply.

Fang smiled up at him and said, “That’s great, Izzy. Glad to hear.”

“You know,” Frenchie said frowning, “Your thigh muscles are looking really tense. Maybe I should just…” As he trailed off, he reached over to grasp at Izzy’s thigh.

Izzy made it through approximately thirty seconds of Frenchie massaging his thigh before he felt a lance of heat in his groin. He jerked back and choked out, “That’s enough. Thank you. I think it’s time to sleep now.”

Frenchie gave him an odd look but didn’t argue. Izzy was honestly shocked that he had felt anything even approaching arousal. He wasn’t sure it was going to possible for him after the Kraken.

Frenchie took the spot next to the wall and Izzy waited for Fang to get in. When he didn’t, Izzy looked at him quizzically.

“If it’s okay with you, boss, I’d rather take the outside. I find it more comfortable, and I get hot easily,” Fang said.

Izzy wanted to argue. Wasn’t the whole point of being here to make fang feel safer? Shouldn’t Izzy be closest to the door so he could spring into action if necessary? Izzy wanted to argue. He really did. But he was so tired. He just didn’t have it in him. His body, without full permission from him, crawled in next to Frenchie.

The bed wasn’t that comfortable for one person, never mind three, but somehow, they made it work. Izzy didn’t protest when Fang’s arms slid around him. There wasn’t really another way to make it work. Frenchie’s head rested against his shoulder and Izzy found he couldn’t really complain about that either.

Izzy was warm, his body was pressed against on both sides, there was no way someone could barge through that door, and he could finally feel himself drifting off to sleep.

Just before he slipped off, he heard Fang’s gentle voice. “You know, Frenchie, that mind box won’t hold forever.”

Izzy felt Frenchie shift against him, could feel the protest coming. In a raspy, sleep filled voice, Izzy said, “He’s right. Just look at me. I thought I had everything locked up tight. Eventually, something has to give.”

Frenchie laid a hand against Izzy’s chest in acknowledgement.

In that same quiet voice, Fang said, “I’m here for you if you need to talk, Frenchie.” Then Fang gave Izzy a squeeze that felt a lot like ‘you too, Izzy’.

No more words were said that night. Instead, Izzy fell into a blissfully uninterrupted sleep.

#Fang/Frenchie/Izzy #A new ship name has been suggessted #Kitty bites #let's see if it catches on!#ouizzy #Frenchie/fang #Fang/Izzy #izzy hands

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slasher-male-wife · 2 years

Note

Nice to see you have so many Anons now! You’re doing great with your writing! If you have some time, could you write something for me?

Recently my job increased my hours, so I’m working 48 hours a week but I still have school and stuff. I’m incredibly stressed out :(

Could you write a burnout comfort sort of thing with Billy Loomis, Stu, RZ Michael, and Bo? No rush or anything!

Hope all is well with you :)

-♠️

Oh anon I totally get this too. I have dealt with burn out and other types of mental health issues that have impacted school and hobbies and I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this right now. I hope that this can help cheer you up.

Slashers comforting their s/o with burn out

Includes: Billy Loomis, Stu Macher, RZ Michael Myers, and Bo Sinclair

Warnings: None I can think of

Billy Loomis

Billy's been noticing how tired you are lately. How you can never hang out with him anymore because you're either busy or too tired to do anything. His first thought is that you might be cheating on him because of how distant you are.

But after a few weeks of stalking he now sees that you're actually just working reidiculios hours at work and still going to school full time. He feels really bad for you now, and also guilty for thinking you were cheating on him.

He's going to be softer with you. Offering to help with homework, bringing you food to eat, helping you with chores and just being there for you.

He also might use intimidation to try and get your work to not make you work a ridiculious amount of hours a week.

Stu Macher

Like Billy he'll notice how tired and busy you are all the time but he won't jump to thinking that you're cheating or anything like that. He'll actually go to you and ask what's wrong.

Now Stu isn't the smartest person ever but he has to be a bit intellegent to do all that Ghost face stuff so while he might not be able to help you with things like homework he can bring you food and do a decent job at trying to help you clean up a bit.

He really just wants to make you feel better Y/n and he's trying. He'll go to Billy for advice on how to help you out more and will expand his knowledge on cleaning and whatever you're learning about in class.

RZ Michael Myers

Michael doesn't really understand emotions too well. He has them, although fairly muted. But he can clearly see that after you get home from a full day at work and school that you're very exhausted.

He'll probably just loom around you until he learns what's wrong with you. When he finally gets an answer he's going to understand what you're feeling better, at least for Michael.

Now Michael knows how to do basic tasks so for the most part he can somewhat take care of himself, but he feels like he should be taking care of you too kind of. He sees that's what other people do for people they love, and he loves you.

So don't be surprised if you come home to find a sandwich waiting for you on the kitchen table made by Michael. Or if he just makes you get up and take care of yourself.

Bo Sinclair

Living in Ambrose with the brothers requires a lot of work from everyone. There's often no days off a week and always something to be cleaned, fixed, made, destroyed, hidden, etc. All of this was taking a toll on your mental health.

Bo quickly noticed that you seemed to be moving slower with tasks. How you struggled to get out of bed and even do simple tasks. Now the Sinclairs never talked about mental health while growing up so Bo might think you're just being lazy. But this will quickly change when he sees that you don't even have the energy to feed yourself.

He's going to go to his brothers to try and figure out how to help you because he knows he can't just force you out of this state. He'll be oddly soft when talking to you about if you're doing ok. He'll listen to you when you talk about how hard it is to do anything anymore.

He'll still expect you to do things to help out but now it's more simple tasks compared to before. He'll ask you to try and eat one meal today and to maybe spend time with him at the station. Or he could use your help with setting up a scene at the church.

#billy loomis #billy loomis x you #billy loomis x y/n #billy loomis x reader #stu macher #stu x reader #stu my beloved #rz michael myers #rz myers x reader #michael myers #michael myers x y/n #michael myers x you #bo sinclair #bo sinclair x reader #bo sinclair x y/n #bo sinclair x you #slasher x y/n #slasher x reader #slasher fanfiction

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ticketstomydaydreams · 2 years

Text

Bad Things

(All We Have: Part Four)

Part One: Home

Part Two: 5:3666

Part Three: Lately

Colson x Female Reader

Summary: Colson's daughter Casie has come to stay with you, your growing feelings get ever more confusing...

Word count: 1,600+

Feels: confusion, emerging feelings

Warnings: Pure cheese

Companion playlist:

Machine Gun Kelly - Bad Things

Years and Years - Eyes Shut

Sam Smith - Not In That Way

Selena Gomez - Bad Liar

A/N: It's been a long time since I've written anything because life is insanely busy and my mental health hasn't had me feeling creative. But I'm sick again and stuck at home, so I've been going through some fic notes. I've broken this section into two bits, so the other one will come soon. Need to dig out my old phone with all my notes. Hope this isn't too sloppy as I've just banged it out based on my old notes. Hopefully I'll manage to make myself time to write more. Thanks for all the continued love comments for my writing, it's so appreciated 😘 Thanks to @i-think-i-did-it-again @hollywoodxwhore @triplexdoublex for inspiring me to get back into it with you amazing fics!

If you want to watch the instagram live I used for the inspo for this, you can watch it here

_________

Colson is in the living room, his phone propped up on the table as he films an instagram live of him and Casie. “Ladies and gentleman, a coco-nut. Comment if you love coco-nuts. Screwdriver coming in hot, lets go”

They’ve got the coconuts she insisted on trying and are trying to figure out how to open it. They argue in an endearing back and forth over how to do it, Casie insisting she knows best

“No Dad, you’re not supposed to do it that”

“Okay you try your way first but I guarantee my way will work. Ladies and gentleman the opening of a coconut, please don’t damage your beautiful hands” he fusses over her

“What did I tell you Dad”

“Wait, are you joking? They should have told us this years ago. Let me try my dad strength. Ay yo, Y/N can you get us a hammer?”

You laugh as Casie shouts “Nooo” and puts her head in her hands. You’ve been sent in and out of the room several times now at both their demands, for cups, screwdrivers and now a hammer. You love how excitable they get around each other, it’s infectious to watch.

Casie is bubbling with energy, she drops the coconut onto the table “Can we get some Ramen noodles?” Colson laughs at her fast switch of topics and picks up the coconut himself, stabbing it with the screwdriver “Yeah I know a fire ramen place we can order from”

He looks up at the screen and sees her dancing while still sitting next to him, he puts the coconut down himself and picks up his phone to angle it toward her

“Okay, we’re doing this now…Show me how to do your tiktok dance”

“Hard” he says watching her then looking over at you, seeing you mirror the dance back at Casie “You can do this too? That’s a lot for me, I think you got it though. Show me two two three” You stand up and start dancing with Casie, and Colson sings the tune with you as he moves the camera to show Casie in full length, but halfway through you get your legs muddled up and Casie starts laughing at you “We had this Y/N, you’re doing it wrong now”

“Yeah I think she got it but you don’t” he says, sticking his tongue out at you as you lean over and gently smack him across the head playfully “Too much pressure with an audience”

"Who’s that in the background?” Colson mumbles reading the comments on the live “That’s Y/N, one of my old school homies. Say hi Y/N” he says, switching to his back camera to show you. “Don’t!” you say, ducking away as Casie laughs

“Yeah, you don’t see her much, she’s shy. Is she my girl?” he chuckles reading another comment “I’m his girl” Casie says, bringing her face to the camera

“They mean, like, in a different way Case, like my girlfriend” he laughs, bashfully

“Ohhhh, I see, I see. Well, she coooooould beeeee…” Casie jokes, making kissing noises

“That’s my daughter peeps, starting rumours right here. Look what you did now…” he laughs again, as Casie leans in reading all the comments

Oh my god, Y/N and Colson!/You guys would be so cute together/Ahhh stop, really?!/I can’t, too cute!/Colson and his girls!/How did we not know this?!/I KNEW IT!/Always thought you should be with Y/N/

Colson leans back from the camera and says to you “Literally every comment is asking about us now” he turns back to the camera “Guys, no, Casie is winding y’all up hard. Me and Y/N are just friends, it’s not like that” He leans forward again, smiling and quietly chuckling as he says “No seriously guys, it’s not a thing…Dammit Case” laughing as he turns towards her

Casie’s attention drifts back to the coconut and Colson’s quickly follows as he sets his phone down again to carry on recording the two of them on the live. You head back into the kitchen, a little relieved he was distracted and didn’t see your reaction to him making a show of telling everyone you were ‘just friends’. Your heart sank… It was only a brief moment, you caught yourself as soon as it happened, but it did happen. Your mind was running a mile a minute…What is going on, why were you feeling like this all of a sudden… Maybe quarantine was getting to you, there’s a few of you in the house, but the majority of your time was spent with Colson with you both being night owls. Maybe it was messing with your head, this whole being disconnected from real life stuff. It’s Colson, it ISN’T like that, just like he said. Am I out of my head, out of my mind? If he only knew…Why do I feel like bad things will come of this…

Your stream of thoughts was interrupted by Colson shouting ‘ay yo, Y/N come look at this, you ever seen the inside of a coconut, its kinda fire’

You’ve just walked back into room and you're standing next to Colson when Casie shouts “Y/N we need forks!” As you turn to go get them, Colson leans over from the sofa and wraps his long arms around your legs keeping you in place “No, no we don’t, we’re in the wild here, let’s make it work!” he laughs loudly, jokily arguing back with Casie as she demands you listen to her instead.

You’re normally used to being caught in between the chaotic banter or father and daughter, but your head is feeling like mush now these new confusing feelings and you’re not saying much or getting involved, hyper aware of the fact he’s filming. You’re not in shot but everyone can see him leaning over, his arms around you.

Casie leans in to the phone, reading some of the comments from the fans watching the live

“Uh oh, everyone’s talking about you guys again…” She mumbles as she reads out loud “bring Y/N on camera…stop hiding Y/N…we can see you cuddling”

Colson looks up at you when he feels you pull away from him slightly, he can see you’re not responding for some reason, you’re just looking at Casie reading out loud. He squints slightly and quickly releases your legs, positioning himself back next to Casie. You turn and leave the room, your throat feeling tight. What the fuck…

You fill the kettle up and put it on the stove, turning the gas on before leaning on the counter, your head propped up in your hand as you zone out. Staring into space, you don’t even notice the kettle whistling a few minutes later. You snap back into reality when you hear Colson’s voice behind you “Um, I think it’s boiled..?” he chuckles lightly, one hand tucked in his pocket, the other ruffling his messy blonde hair

“Shit yeah….I was miles away there” you shake your head, taking the kettle off the hob. Colson walks over and turns the gas off, he puts his hand on your back between your shoulders and you almost flinch “Hey….you okay?” he says, leaning forward to get a look at your face. “Oh yeah, of course, I’m fine” you blurt out.

He studies you as you get some mugs out of the cupboard, “Okay cool” he says, sounding unconvinced “Thought maybe you were wigging out over what people were saying on the live…” Fucks sake, why is he so perceptive “I know you don’t like getting too much attention like that, so I shouldn’t ha-...”

You cut him off “Honestly, it’s fine, I’m fine” you plaster a smile on your face as you turn to him. In one swift movement he pulls you towards him and wraps his long arms around you in a bear hug, squeezing you into his chest. It’s a confusing response to what you just said and you stiffen slightly in his arms at first, but his hugs have always been soothing and you find yourself relaxing into him, taking in his scent. He doesn’t let go. It feels like this hug has been going on for too long now, it feels weird, you’re enjoying it in a different sort of way, maybe enjoying it too much. You want to pull away, your head is saying MOVE, PULL AWAY, END IT, but instead you press your head into his chest a little harder. He presses a gentle kiss to the top of your forehead and all of a sudden you want to cry. Noo, what is this…

The moment is interrupted as you hear quick footsteps followed by Casie’s voice floating towards you as she moves through from the other room “Hey, where are you guys…”

Colson gently pushes you back from his chest, looking down at you, but you’re looking past him at Casie standing still in the doorway

"Wait, ARE you boyfriend and girlfriend? You just said no" she says, an eyebrow raised.

You both protest, pulling back from your hug and you make a theatrical show of pushing his head away with your hand “urgh, no way, not this dork”

Casie shrugs and you feel the tension break "Okay, okay" she says, sounding just like her dad “I’m just asking, you guys sure do hug a lot. Can we order dinner? I still want noodles” You avoid Colson’s gaze, he’s been watching you this entire time, as you follow Casie back out of the room to get your phone to order food.

Colson remains where he is, leaning back against the counter, his arms crossed against his chest as he stares over at the empty doorway you and Casie just walked through. After a minute he lets out a deep sigh as he brings his hand to his face and rubs it along his jawline. He’s deep in thought, his eyebrows knitted together in a frown when he hears Casie calling him from the other room….

Taglist: @triplexdoublex @brightblaqkkheaven @classyunknownlover @2dead2function @niallersgirlalmighty @agentstarkid @xxdarkangelqueenxx @bookscommaelle @itjustkindahappenedreally @trynaescapereality @bitxhyprinxess @jackiehollanderr @misswimberly @deadivyy @iamlostinyourarms @prettytoxicrevolver @i-think-i-did-it-again @hollywoodxwhore

#machine gun kelly fanfic #mgk x reader #machine gun kelly x reader #colson baker imagine #colson baker x reader #machine gun kelly imagine #mgk fluff #mgk imagine #colson baker fan fiction #colson x reader #mgk fanfic

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tongues--and--teeth · 8 months

Note

Fuck i fucking love your art smmmm

Berserk boi

QUICK GIVE ME ALL YOUR BERSERK CACAOO HCSSS

Oh my god! Thank you so much! This totally made my day <33333

I'm so sorry this took so long, I've been really busy lately :(

(TW for gore mention)

So actually I headcanon that his berserk form is connected to his soul jam. Kind of like a little side effect. Y'know what use is a sword if not to harm others? If not to shed blood? (and also this sword hurts its owner too!) and it's the soul jam of resolution which is also dictionary definition, literally a firm decision that you're unwavering in. If Dark Cacao ever goes back on his decision to take the sword, guess what! He goes berserk until it consumes all of his life force and kills him. woo.

He used to be able to control the berserk form a little, being able to turn partially into it to fight and stuff. He did lose the power to do so as he got older. Turning into his half-form and full form basically torturing him every time he tried to use it. It also completely removes pretty much all mental capacity for intelligent thought, so he can't use it in a "productive" way even if he wanted to. Basically just blind destruction with no distinction between friend or foe.

(^that's actually the concept for the drawing you saw)

Personally, I have his berserk form more or less as kind of an allegory for illness, a physical manifestation of internal pain. He was making it a fuel to keep going instead of actually confronting the “bad stuff” that happened. He was taking how it hurt him and using that to keep going, instead of confronting it head-on and getting it to stop hurting him. Eventually, he couldn't keep doing this, it was destroying him and he was losing control. So now, he couldn’t use it for anything, aka, his pain isn't useful anymore. Anyway, he does still transform into his berserk form (albeit unintentionally) but only during times of extreme stress and triggers like certain sounds, textures, and tastes. It's also triggered through more physical means, if he stands too long his legs start turning to smoke, if he fights too long his eyes glow white, it's torture every time. In very special cases (Pomegranate Cookie) he goes full berserk, it usually takes him out for weeks, unable to do much, hardly able to take care of himself, much less able to make himself useful as a king or as a warrior.

Actually, after he stopped going berserk back in book 14, I think he was cut open pretty much everywhere underneath his armor. His guts were spilling out, and were barely contained by his armor. It basically cut him almost completely in half. He still managed to fight afterwards, obviously at great personal cost, but he was still able to fight. Weeks after, he could barely move, he was stuck in bed, and even small things like sitting up were a huge struggle. The only reason he's not dead is because of his soul jam, the same reason he was cursed in the first place. His immortality at the cost of eternal suffering and the like.

After book 14, he forces enough energy to attend the council of heroes (AKA Cookie Odyssey chapter 1) but the smallest things keep setting him off, turning him slightly berserk every time. He is spending every second he can lying down in his tent. It prevents his wounds from healing, and it also keeps him from thinking clearly. When he tried killing Clotted Cream the, admittedly very little, healing that was done was immediately reversed. He ended up barely functioning, with the only reason he was able to continue with the council was because Hollyberry noticed him limping and had Pure Vanilla heal him. Which only did so much, because it’s…A curse that's both caused by and stopped by his immortality, and you can't just fix that without probably killing him instantly. So, he doesn’t have a permanent solution, and he’s stuck with this until the end of time.

Thank you again for the ask. It was really fun to do! Sorry again for taking so long to finish it :(

#gore mention tw #death mention tw #Just a little though #dark cacao crk #dark cacao cookie #dark cacao kingdom #Crk #cr kingdom #cookie run au

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thyandrawrites · 1 year

Text

Dabi's dance

I'm losing my mind. The episode was SO GOOD. Have some scattered thoughts and reactions (spoiler-heavy stuff under the cut):

I had full faith that Shimono would do a stellar job with his voice acting but his performance went above and beyond my expectations. He gave me literal chills. The range of emotions he managed to fit into Dabi's lines? *chef kiss* The way he kept jumping between maddened elation and sadness, between righteous despair and chilling fury?? Stunning. Spectacular.

I think my favourite part was when he said "Why didn't you notice I was your son?" and managed to inject that simple line with contempt, hurt and disappointment at the same time. Incredible

Second best part was when Dabi went from yelling "You don't know anything, so let me break it to you" with seething rage and frustration to the chilling way he uttered the line right after, "You can never get away from your past". HHHHHHHHHH I think I lost my mind there. It was SO GOOD. The shift from frenzied anger to that ice-cold voice, coupled with the punch of that line gives you whiplash in the best possible way, and perfectly encapsulates the range of Dabi's emotions there. He's spiralling, yes, but he's not spouting nonsense because he's "crazy". He's furious because Enji thought he could move on without him, move on from Touya.

The close-up to his despairing pose when he says "I wanted to make you happy," a hand clutching his head and gripping his hair like when he was a kid, and his voice going all soft and kinda self-deprecatory... CHILLS

On a completely different note, the special hair dye remover changing Dabi's hair color like a magical girl transformation made me laugh. On behalf of the moon, he will punish you and send you into a flaming hell

THE DANCING. Okay, this one was a surprise. I went into the ep with 0 expectations for the actual dancing bit, having no idea how they would animate it and fearing a shitty adaptation, but I really liked what they did. His moves are exactly as awkward and frenzied as I expected them to be when I read the manga, but I feel like the anime better conveys Dabi's mental state through the whole thing (as it's supposed to, being a fluid visual media that conveys movement better than any stills ever could). Overall, his "dance" gave me the feeling of a puppet that got its strings abruptly cut off and moved like a broken toy. It wasn't a victory dance and it wasn't supposed to. The anime made it clear it was just Dabi working through his adrenaline. The first moves, the clapping, the arms moving wildly around with no clear pattern, the broad sweeping gestures, the way he seemingly doesn't know what to do with his limbs... it was the perfect depiction of Dabi letting out the energy building up under his skin, the same energy that draws on his emotions. He was drunk on a cocktail of conflicting feelings and his "dance" was a great visual way of showing that

Baby Touya was so small and precious TT_TT I felt my heart breaking for him all over again, and all the little glimpses we got crushed my soul. The card in the ending was a special low blow

Infant Touya struggling to stand on his tiny toddler feet *bawls*

Fuyumi and the flower... cries... now if only all of Bones' additions were good content like this...

Natsuo watching the broadcast on his phone... idk why but that scene punched me in the chest harder than it did when I read the manga. I'm gonna go cry

Fuyumi having colleagues right there with her as she watched too... another addition but I liked the detail of the guy looking worriedly at her instead of the screen

I'm not super thrilled that they added the still of Dabi looking like this:

at this point of the story, because the original panel comes from much later, and it's supposed to depict Dabi from Enji's distorted POV, the way he pictures him in his memories. But I'm so happy about the whole ep that I'm gonna let this slide. Dabi should look a bit unhinged. It's his best flavor after all

Man, Endvr's fanboy is just as annoying as I remembered. "His lies won't shake our faith in our hero" WELL MAYBE THEY SHOULD. MAYBE PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE EXACTLY THE KIND OF PEOPLE DABI'S CALLING OUT. Wouldn't that be crazy

Ha! they didn't show Hawks slicing Twice's back open, lol. Just a still. But hey, they had to keep it pg I guess. Let it not be said that Dabi doesn't think of the children /j

Kaji (Shouto's VA) also did an incredible job. The sheer panic in Shouto's voice when Dabi was plummeting towards them gave me chills. My boy was SCARED and CONFUSED and barely keeping his shit together himself and my heart broke for him. Now I'm really looking forward to his performance (and Shimono's) in the next ep, knowing what's coming

#bnha anime #thyandra.txt

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wttcsms · 3 months

Note

sorry if you're not comfortable answering this, but I saw you say that you've been diagnosed with depression. how did you know when to seek help?

tl;dr: from a young age, i never lived a healthy lifestyle with an easy pace. i (and maybe even my family) put too much pressure on me, and i never really coped with it in a healthy manner. my attempt at handling things "with ease" and "not stressing" was actually just me bottling up my emotions, and it's not until things started getting really bad that i finally sought help.

nothing uncomfy abt it at all! discussion of mental health is pretty important! tbh, i never thought i would have depression or be diagnosed with it; i started showing symptoms for around a year before i started really thinking to myself, hey, i think there might be something up with me mentally and this isn't just some silly, quirky thing i'm going through. ever since i was around 18, i went through great lengths to ensure i would achieve maximum academic success but while being a full-time college student and consistently working 60+ hours a week (70+ during the summer bc my junior year internship was so intense; i also went to college 2 years early, so i think that's when the internal pressure to "do well in life" began) was taking a massive toll on me mentally and physically. i would survive off of 4-5 hours of sleep, consume concerning amounts of caffeine, i was losing hair, i was losing drastic amounts of weight, i was breaking out and breaking down, and even when i got better, i still wasn't fully ever healed from that experience purely bc my schedule just never slowed down.

i am still a full-time student, i am still working 7 days a week, leading to 60+ hours (40 hours internship, 20 hours at my weekend part-time job). on top of that, i am in the second to last semester of my grad school, i help out around the house bc after my older sister moved out, i took over the eldest daughter duties, i am still holding myself to a very high standard academically (already planning to apply to phd programs, studying for the cpa exam, already have another summer internship lined up). i knew things were getting bad because 1) i am finally older (im abt to turn 21! yay!) and i realized that the lifestyle i'm living isn't healthy and 2) a lot of my behaviors didn't feel "normal" to me anymore. it finally hit me around two months ago, when i realized that i sort of lost my love for fanfiction. i've been in a weird mood where i didn't want to read any fanfic whatsoever, but i chalked it up to being "too busy" and focused on other things. when i couldn't even find the energy to read my own mutual's fanfic, i knew something was up bc i always try to power through and remain enthusiastic on my friends' behalf. more behaviors that were a cause for concern:

my disinterest in everything that brought me joy previously. sweet treats at the end of the day, coffee before work, buying makeup from sephora, cleaning my room (sounds silly, but i love having a clean living space and cleaning my room used to be a source of peace and joy for me), writing fanfiction, reading books, watching youtube videos, catching up on shows that would release weekly and that i used to count down the days to watch — none of it held my interest. i wasn't excited, i didn't care.

it wasn't just a lack of joy from things i loved, either. rejections from programs i looked forward to/rejections from opportunities, abysmal grades in class, looming deadlines that i most likely wouldn't make, growing assignments on my work to-do list; none of this elicited a reaction from me. there was no stress (that i was feeling; subconsciously, i think the stress was still there and i just refused to acknowledge it), but there also wasn't disappointment or sadness. i had no emotional response to anything, and that was very concerning to me, and the main reason i contacted my sister and then her boyfriend (who is a licensed psychiatrist)

i could sleep for 12+ hours a day. there are many days in the week where all i want to do is rot in bed. not even in a "go on my phone and dick around in bed" type of way, either. i would have certain days where i couldn't leave the bed. sometimes, i wouldn't even feel tired, but i would just sleep. my internship is wfh and if it was a slow day with no assignments, i would clock in and spend that whole day in my bed, sleeping. it got to the point where i wish work was busy so i would have something to force me out of bed. yes, i would be aware of my tiredness sometimes, but this felt different altogether. i just wanted to basically hibernate lol.

i had constant headaches. i thought it was because of the nature of my job, where i look at computer screens all day, or maybe it was bc i wasn't drinking enough water. i would also get unexplainable cramps sometimes.

tmi, but little to no pleasure and an extreme decline in interest in sex

i had extreme issues with focusing on work and studying; a lot of my work (and school materials) centers around thinking through problems and applying tax law or guidance to certain situations.

my diet fluctuated; some days, i wouldn't want to eat, yesterday, i gorged myself on food, eating to the point where even i had to pause and go wtf.

not very often was i randomly sad, nor did i ever want to kill myself or self-harm; when i was a teenager (17/18) and probably showing signs of depression, i was very irritable, angry, sad, and had suicidal thoughts, thought i was worthless, an idiot, etc. however, i mostly just feel empty and apathetic during my episodes now.

what helped me seek help was knowing that my behaviors and how i was feeling didn't feel healthy, but also, my best friend recently shared her diagnosis with me and i would have never thought she would be depressed. my sister's bf was also a major help in getting me comfortable to consider the possibility of having a mental illness and also in finding someone to talk to. hope this helps!

edit: forgot to mention it, but i exhibited many/all of those symptoms for around the past 3 months before ever seeking help. those behaviors started manifesting tremendously and seriously disrupting my daily life, and i knew i needed to do something to get my life back on track.

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quicklikelight · 2 months

Text

... In light of the last thing I reblogged, since I'm not actually sure if I ever I ever told folks here...

Mental health/medical diagnosis info under the cut.

I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2010 following the birth of my son. I'd had anxiety, depression, and what I now know is OCD symptoms for years at that point, but they all got much worse after kiddo was born. I believe I've shared here before that I was very ill while pregnant, and nearly died before and during my emergency C-section that bright kiddo into the world. I have very few memories of my pregnancy but the ones I do have are impressed into my brain like the world's most depressing stamp collection: not neat pictures, but deep grooves that form shapes and can be laid over one another to see the cumulative chaos, the terror that I still feel every time someone puts a blood pressure cuff around my arm, the dissociation from my body that I still have because all I can remember was it hurting.

I had cptsd before I ever got pregnant, but my pregnancy made my symptoms so much worse, and a doctor who spoke to me for three seconds gave me the "convenient" diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I was a young woman in college, it was 2010, and he never asked me anything about my life. This diagnosis wasn't corrected until 2022.

I'm sharing this because in the past I frequently blogged about being bipolar. I wasn't bipolar though. What I thought was mania was just my behavior when I was triggered beyond my ability to ignore. What I thought was depression was... Well, it was depression. My life was miserable, my ex is a horrible human being who deserves to be thrown in a deep pit full of snakes, my family hates me and acts like it, I lived in Texas of all places, and on top of that I was working in a dead end job that I couldn't ever seem to escape.

In 2020, I was fortunate enough to move in with my friend LC and her family. We weathered the worst of lockdown together, our children becoming close friends, and I'm grateful for the time, energy, space, and love LC afforded me to begin recovering from a lifetime of wounds.

I'm 2021, I moved to New York state to live with my best friend, my heart's companion, @tofixtheshadows. Dea has been the best partner I could want as I grappled with my changing sense of self, the sheer madness and unreality of what my life used to be. I am so fortunate to call her my best friend and to be able to share my life with someone who knows me and wants to help me be better.

I found a psychiatrist in 2022 who changed my life when she said, "I believe everything you say that happened to you. I think bipolar disorder is a convenient diagnosis for a man to give a traumatized young woman when he isn't interested in doing his job well. You aren't bipolar, Anne. You have PTSD."

I was shocked. I shouldn't have been, since I already knew Dea thought I had PTSD. But it seemed so out of left field to me, that... Well, that maybe there hadn't been anything inherently wrong with me in the first place, as I had been led to believe, but that the years of horrible actions happening around and to me had just taken their toll.

It was liberating. Scary, but good.

I've been working with my psychiatrist and a therapist since to try and build more tolerance, better coping skills, and to process my trauma. It's slow going. Life doesn't stop because I need EMDR. But it's ultimately been so rewarding, and I'm still only in the early stages of the work.

Last year, for basically the first time in my adult life, I was able to go off of all my mood altering medications. I just didn't need them anymore.

I'm still in treatment and working toward goals that will probably take a while. But I am happy. I'm actually happy for the first time in my entire life. And to me, that's pretty much everything.

#about anne

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windvexer · 2 years

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Can immersing oneself in the element of water (taking a very long hot shower) be a type of grounding? Just instead of earth, with water?

My friend, you have discovered the conflation of various terms all called "grounding," only one of which really has a strong connection to elemental earth.

In contemporary witchcraft, various elements (most commonly fire, earth, air, and water) may be represented by associated physical substances - in this case, perhaps soil, stones, or planet Earth itself.

But we should not forget that these physical objects are only ever correspondences to the elemental concept.

And we should be mindful that there are many things called grounding, some of which are not interchangeable.

"Grounding" may be what we call a technique to reduce anxiety. "I'm having a panic attack and I need to ground myself - what are five things I can see?"

Similarly, the term grounding may sometimes refer to mindfulness. "I've been off in my head all day - I'm going to ground myself by doing the dishes in a mindful way."

Grounding may be a technique to release and divert an excess of raised metaphysical energy - "I tread the mill too hard (yolo) so now I'll ask this tree to take the excess energy away from me."

Grounding may also be an energy-working technique designed to create an energetic root system. "I will visualize roots growing from my spine so I may be grounded into planet earth."

We can see that in some common usages, grounding refers to stabilizing within the present moment. In other usages, it refers to releasing extra energy (especially among electricians!). In other usages, it refers to energy techniques to associate with nature.

The first part of my answer is - maybe you know what grounding means for yourself, but if you don't know exactly what it's supposed to do, decide exactly what you want your technique to provide you.

My second answer is, at this time in my practice I believe that the elements must be understood contextually.

In this situation, the context is you.

Elemental earth is associated with grounding because it's often associated with physicality, and therefore the present moment and connection to physical things in the present moment.

But is that what it does? I mean, is that truly what elemental earth always does?

Let me post a hypothetical. A seeker is a bubbly person. They flit from interest to interest like a butterfly among flowers. They engage in life explosively and sporadically. And it works. This is their healthiest, best self. They have a strong support system, a stable job, and hobbies that fulfill them.

Now, introduce elemental earth. Heavy, slow, cold. It creeps at the speed of tectonic plates. What it builds is hard to destroy. It is an emblem of boundaries and limitations.

The bubbly seeker is told that in order to be a witch, they must "ground." They start by using an energy technique to root themselves into the earth in order to create a constant flow of earthen energy through their system.

Is that good for that seeker? Is loading their system full of a single element that is contrary to their personal nature actually going to do anything positive for them?

How about you, Anon? Do you need to move more slowly? Do you need an excess of gravity around you? Do you need to dwell underneath yourself, drawn into the underworld of your own life?

Yes? No?

If yes, stick with elemental earth.

If no, fuck what you've been told and use whatever elements you want in order to achieve a personal routine that supports your mental health, personal interests, and personal goals.

Magically "grounding" is tantamount to sucking a bunch of elemental energy inside of yourself. If you want to ground with earth, do so. If you don't, use whatever else you want. What is best for you depends on who you are as an individual.

And remember - energetic rebalancing is not a replacement for mental health support and will not replace techniques meant to manage anxiety or disassociation.

#answered #grounding #elements

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fear-of-flyers · 1 year

Text

home for christmas

this is my work written for @sidcrosbyspuck as a part of @iibratzbaby winter fic exchange! i hope y'all enjoy <3

pairing: alex turcotte x fem!reader word count: 2.4k warnings: generally angsty (the title is misleading sorry), siblings being bold (lmk if there's anything i'm missing!)

“Will you come home with me?” Alex asked you in early October when the AHL confirmed a holiday break. You answered “of course” with no hesitation because why wouldn’t you. You and Alex had been dating for almost a year and he had met your parents when they came to California for your college graduation; but you had yet to meet his dad. When Alex made his NHL debut you were in the middle of finals and trips hadn’t worked out since. You had only heard great things about his family since so you agreed to go. And for a while you were excited. But somewhere mid November Alex started losing, and with the losses came distance and with the distance came arguments. You were upset that he kept disappearing for what felt like days at a time to hang out with his friends and do anything to forget about a loss. He always said he was sorry but never seemed to make the effort to change and as time went on you felt more and more hurt. The issue though was how perfect Alex managed to be when he was there. Somehow he kept up with the littlest things and for those moments you couldn’t imagine yourself anywhere else. When he made you breakfast in bed and offered to drive you to work you found yourself forgetting how often you were curled up in a cold bed with not a clue where in the city your boyfriend was. So while deep inside you knew that you shouldn’t go home with him, you did anyway.

The two of you boarded a flight on December 22 at LAX and landed 4 hours later at O’Hare in Chicago. From there you got in your rental car for the week and drove the 45 minutes to Alex’s hometown. Along the way you held hands over the center console as Alex pointed out all of the places he’d grown up. It was nice. You felt like you were seeing a new side of the boy you thought you knew everything about. At your insistence you stopped by a shop in town to get a bouquet for Alex’s mom and a bottle of wine for Alex’s dad before finally making your way to his home. And the best part of it all was how you could feel his energy growing as you got closer to your destination. Finally you pulled into the driveway of a light blue, two-story house. Alex killed the ignition and you each unbuckled your seatbelt. You turned to look at him, smiling when you saw just how happy he was to be home. Feeling your eyes on him, Alex turned and looked at you. “You ready?” He asked, squeezing your hand almost in reassurance. “Yup!” You nodded, letting go of his hand to open your door and walk to grab your bag out of the trunk.

When you both had your bags Alex grabbed your hand with his empty one and in his excitement half-dragged you to the front door. As you climbed the steps, the door opened and Alex let go of your hand to hug his dad before introducing you. “Dad this is Y/n, Y/n this is my dad.” He said, moving to the side so you could take the hug Mr.Turcotte offered to you. “Hi Mr.Turcott, nice to meet you,” you said. “Please, Y/n, call me Alfie. It’s nice to meet you too,” he responded. “I’ve heard great things about you.” With that you blushed, looking softly at Alex until he looked away as Alfie invited you inside.

Once inside Alex showed you to his room where you both left your bags before heading downstairs to talk about plans for the week. You learned that Alex’s mom still worked full time but would be off from the 23rd to when you and Alex left on the 28th. She would be home around 4:30 that evening and Alex’s siblings would arrive over the course of the next few days. With that information you asked Alex if he had made any plans for while he was home. You wanted to know if there was anything you needed mentally prepare for. Instead you learned that Alex was hanging out with two separate groups of friends and you weren’t invited.

“We wanted like a guy's night, you know?” Alex asked you, his face remaining neutral as he took in the flash of hurt on yours. “No hard feelings right? I promise it’s nothing personal.” You nodded slightly, pasting on a smile. “Of course Alex. No hard feelings. What if we had a date night though?” You asked. It had been a while since you spent intentional time together and a part of you hoped the sneaking suspicion you had that the relationship wouldn’t make it back to LA wasn’t true. Unfortunately Alex’s response was “Maybe, depends on if we have time or not.” Hearing “we” you looked at him confused. “If ‘we’ have time?” You asked, “Alex I came to hang out with the people you love. As far as I’m aware I have nothing but time.” At that Alex had the decency of looking chastised but when he opened his mouth those feelings weren’t conveyed. “I guess I meant if I have time. Sorry.” You nodded again, not bothering to hold your smile and got up, announcing “I’m gonna go unpack a little.” before climbing the stairs to Alex’s room.

…

And that was where you found yourself 3 days later. You were alone, getting ready to go to Alex’s aunt’s house for Christmas dinner and you couldn’t stop thinking. This was the first moment of real alone time you had had since you arrived, Alex was showering while you did your makeup, and the longer you sat the more clear it became to you. Then the realization hit you like a ton of bricks, you were falling out of love. And the timing made it that much worse. You didn’t want to talk to Alex about breaking up as you were sitting in his parents home. What you didn’t know was that Alex was having the same internal monologue as he showered. The issue was that instead of being mature adults and talking about your feelings as Alex was deciding to pull away even more you opted to make it seem like everything was perfect. This mix meant horrible tension all through dinner starting when you reached for Alex’s hand over the dash and he opted to drive with two hands. It didn’t get better when he introduced you to his family then abandoned you to hang out with his cousins, and it was still bad when you sat through most of dessert, the entire ride home, and your bedtime routine virtually silent. That night as you fell asleep you half thought that you would be more comfortable sleeping alone. The bed you were sharing felt just as cold as the nights you slept by yourself but at least then you were in a familiar space, here you felt entirely isolated.

The next morning you moved around the bathroom with Alex, falling into a familiar routine even as the air felt stale. After breakfast with his family Alex excused himself for the rest of the morning to go to Topgolf with his friends. As the door shut behind him you turned to go upstairs and were met with the face of Gabi, one of his older sisters. You jumped a little, not expecting someone behind you. “Hey. Everything good?” You asked, not quite understanding what was going on. Gabi shook her head, “I could ask you the same thing Y/n.” Your face contorted with more confusion and at your look Gabi grabbed your wrist and led you upstairs to her room.

You moved to sit in the desk chair as Gabi closed the door behind you before sitting on her bed. After sitting in silence for a couple of minutes you finally broke it. “What did you mean earlier? Why wouldn’t everything be good with me?” You asked, already wanting the conversation to be over. Gabi rolled her eyes, “Things clearly aren’t going perfectly with you and Alex. There was a weird tension between y’all when you got here and it’s somehow managed to get worse,” she said. “You barely said a word to him last night, I have a right to be concerned.” And for whatever reason that statement got you. In what world did she have a right into her brother’s relationship? If she was truly concerned why wouldn’t she take it up with Alex? “We’re fine Gabi,” you said. “And not that it’s your business but I’m just upset he made all these plans that didn’t include me.” Gabi nodded, “Oh.” You smiled sharply, “Anything else you wanna know? Any other business I can put out there?” You asked before standing and walking out of the room as she shook her head.

…

You made yourself scarce after the conversation with Gabi, not wanting to face Alex’s family until he got home. The issue was that once he got home Alex didn’t make his way upstairs until it was almost dinner time. You wanted to be okay with that, truly, but it definitely hurt that Alex didn’t even text to check in. When he did finally make it upstairs you smiled gently from the bed, pausing your movie. “Hey,” you said, “how was golf?” Alex smiled back as he sat at the edge of the bed, pulling your ankles into his lap. “Good,” he replied, “it started snowing on the way home. How was hanging out here?” Your eyes widened slightly remembering the conversation from that morning but decided that now wasn’t the time. “It was fine,” you said. “Something happened with Gabi but I don’t want to talk about it right now, especially not around your family.” Alex nodded in understanding but still looked concerned. Sensing this you asked, “Is there somewhere in town we can get ice cream tonight?” He nodded, “Yeah, we can go to Culver’s after dinner. I’ll tell my family we wanted time to ourselves.”

You found that kind of ironic, the fact that time alone was gonna be the excuse he used; that was all you wanted since the beginning of the trip. Yet here you were, using time alone as an excuse so you could tell him about what his sister did. But you nodded in agreement anyways, not wanting to stir the pot before this conversation. “Mom said dinner would be ready soon.” Alex said, moving your legs out of his lap and standing up. “Are you ready to head down?” You nodded, moving the blankets off of your body and taking Alex’s offered hand to pull you up. The two of you walked to the door hand in hand but the moment of bliss stopped as Gabi peeked her head in to let you know dinner was ready. You watched as her eyes flicked down to your joined hands, sending you a look you couldn’t quite read. You grimaced a little, hoping Alex didn’t notice the interaction. If he did he didn’t say anything but he did let your hand go to pull the door open further, stepping to the side to let you through.

After an awkward dinner you and Alex excused yourselves, pulled on your jackets and climbed into his car. “What was up with you and Gabi at dinner?” He asked, unable to wait any longer. “I don’t really know,” you answered honestly. “Although I can’t say I’m surprised she didn’t tell you about this morning.” Alex turned onto the main road, “What happened this morning?” You shook your head as you remembered. “She asked me what was happening between us.” You said, “I asked why she felt the need to be in our business and why she didn’t ask you.” Alex scoffed, “Why does it matter who she asked?” Then it was your turn to scoff, “She’s your sister Alex. I’ve known her for not even 3 days. If one of my friends went to you, instead of me, about something they thought was a problem I wouldn’t exactly appreciate it.” You said, hoping desperately it made sense to him. Unfortunately Alex’s response was “I don’t see the problem with it Y/n, she was just concerned.” And that was your breaking point. “You haven’t seen a problem with a lot of things recently Alex,” you said. “If you had, maybe we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” Alex tightened his grip on the wheel and turned slightly to you, “What does that mean?” he asked. “It means exactly what it sounds like,” you replied. “You’ve seen no problem going out with the team and not telling me anything, and you certainly haven’t seen a problem leaving me alone in your childhood home as you go off to do what you please. I’m not happy anymore Alex and I thought coming here would make it better but it hasn’t and I don’t know what to do.”

The car slowed to a stop as Alex pulled to the side of the road you were on. “I didn’t realize you felt that way.” He said turning to you, face contorted strangely. “Well I didn’t either Alex. Not until all the time alone gave me a chance to process.” All Alex could manage was “oh” before slipping into silence. That was how you sat for the next couple of minutes, the both of you processing. As you processed you realized that you couldn’t quite remember the last time Alex said that he loved you. So you turned to him, “Do you feel differently Alex?” you asked. “Well,” he started, but the words didn’t quite come. “You don’t love me anymore, do you?” And if words escaped him before he certainly wasn’t opening his mouth now. “Okay then,” you said, the lack of response makes Alex’s answer perfectly clear. “I want to go home.” Once again, Alex couldn’t do anything but nod, “I’ll help you reschedule your flights to as soon as possible.” He said, pulling back onto the road as you opened your phone to find flights.

The two of you arrived back at Alex's house in silence, walked past his family and went upstairs where Alex confirmed flights for you as you set to work packing. That night you slept together in a familiarly cold bed and the next morning Alex graciously drove you to the airport before his family even woke up. “Thanks for coming,” Alex said as he handed you your bag from the trunk. You rolled your eyes, “Don’t do this Alex.” You said, grabbing your bag and turning to walk away. “Playing nice isn’t gonna fix anything now.”

#alex turcotte #alex turcotte x reader #alex turcotte imagine #alex turcotte fic #la kings #hockey imagine #nhl imagine #fear of writing #my writing #bbrisson winter fic exchange '23

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fereldanwench · 1 year

Text

okay so

i guess i'm doing this

i've avoided talking too publicly about any of this because it's... messy and uncomfortable for me, and probably other people, too. i also don't want to perpetuate drama and i was hoping i could just move on, but i don't think i can without unburdening myself a little here and i need to be witnessed, lmao.

i think this fandom also has a culture of whispering and gossiping in discord servers and dms rather than addressing anything head-on, and breaking that norm is also uncomfortable.

but the thing is, even if no one explicitly shares anything, that energy still obviously influences more public spaces and how we interact with each other. it breeds a lot of paranoia and mistrust, i think, even for people who aren't predisposed to dealing with issues like social anxiety or RSD. but given how many of us do actually deal with those things, it makes it even worse.

(although on the flipside, i think there are also plenty of conflicts that should be resolved privately and sometimes going full salted-earth publicly is also the wrong move, but I DIGRESS)

and look, yes, i am bad in this regard, too. i got sucked into this shit with everyone else, and i fuckin' hate it. i hate how much inconsequential knowledge i have rotting inside my already very overloaded brain about who's besties and who blocked whomst and WHATEVER THE FUCK I DO NOT FUCKING CARE

i didn't get involved in this shit in high school, i certainly don't need to be getting involved in it now

having said all that, here's some internal fandom conflict i've been dealing with on and off since january of this year.

about a week after lizzie's shutdown, i did notice that people i thought i was cool with were seemingly no longer cool with me. it was also happened not too long after i made the how-to fandom guide that i realized missed the mark for some folks, so i was like, well, maybe it was just that.

but to be completely honest, even if it was just that, that still kinda sucked too. although i agreed with the feedback that i should have taken a different approach to some areas in that guide and been more sympathetic to other sensitivities for creators in the fandom, my heart was in the right place. intent doesn't override impact, of course, but intent should still count for something, i think.

and i'm not asking for sympathy, i don't want or need it, but i do just want to share where i was mentally at the time to set the stage for later anxieties: no one likes getting yelled at for doing what they thought was a good thing.

but yanno, also, again to be fully transparent, i did feel like some folks were projecting their insecurities onto some sections and were just taking an uncharitable read on it as a result. i think a handful of people just didn't read it at all and wanted to revel in some righteous indignation, an impulse i unfortunately also understand too well so i can't judge too harshly there. sometimes you just see a phrase that just gets under your skin and nothing else said before or after that matters. i know. I've been there. but it is still kind of unfair to the person on the receiving end.

but i tried to walk away from that situation with humility and understanding and as a lesson to be more thoughtful in the future. i also had enough people say that it was helpful for me to feel like ultimately was a net positive, and i felt like everyone was moving past it.

so a few weeks later, after lizzie's had shut down under INCREDIBLY ABRUPT AND CONFUSING CIRCUMSTANCES TO ME, and i noticed i was being seemingly shunned or even blocked by folks i was like...

are people mad at me again for the how-to-fandom post?

or, because i am publicly friends with some prominent members of lizzies who have been accused of bullying and other bad things, that i am guilty by association?

at the time, i actually considered making some sort of public statement, but i took a step back, and i told myself "no, you're just still dealing with some lingering anxieties about The Fandom Post and you're extra sensitive and inclined to some paranoia right now. you were mostly active in the 3 months in lizzie's before it shut down. you don't have a strong association with the server. that's silly. and making a post like that will probably just make things worse because people will assume a guilty conscience is an admission of wrongdoing in and of itself."

(and i do have a guilty conscience, but i was raised catholic, my natural state is to assume i did something wrong even if i quantifiably didn't, lmao.)

but i would still catch little comments here and there, notice passive-aggressive tags on someone's post, or even just feel a vibe that kept me thinking... maybe i actually am accused of doing something.

so when That Blog started up (and yes i hate myself for being enthralled by it and i just blocked it because i know my curious monkey brain will continue leading me to the dark side if i don't), and i saw that i was explicitly accused of being a part of some inner cabal of 30-year-old women who were bullying everyone in lizzie's, i was like OH okay. so it wasn't paranoia, i was right. being friends with a few people who have been accused of wrongdoing and i guess... winning a photomode contest once was enough for some people to assume that i was one of the big baddies in the server? cool.

but the other big reason i didn't want to say anything publicly at the time was the two incidents that i was aware of did not involve me at all. i literally just did not do anything. and it wasn't my place then nor is it my place now to weigh in on other of those, especially in a public setting. i don't even want to say anything beyond this, really. i wasn't involved in any capacity, and i don't want to be involved. they're just not my conflicts.

and i know some people will take that stance in and of itself as being complicit or whatever, and that's your perogative, but i just don't feel right about inserting myself in a situation that never involved me. and i certainly don't want to drag anyone, friend or otherwise, into anything when they're probably trying to work past it in their own ways, too.

i'm also not even that pressed about people deciding they don't "trust" me or whatever for being friends (or just being friendly with--some of the people I'm accused of conspiring with i don't even know that well) with people they don't like. I'm sometimes wary of people who are friends with people i don't vibe with, too. i get it. so if you want to label me as guilty by association, knock your socks off. but just know that within the context of The Lizzie's Situation, that is the extent of my trangressions.

and outside of The Lizzie's Situation, the only two things i can think of that i did were 1) foot-in-mouth guide as addressed up there, which i really think is more of a miscommunication than an actual Bad Thing and 2) acting like an asshole in another server to someone because i was mad about how they treated my friends, which was still the wrong way to handle those feelings, and I apologized for the best way i can under the circumstances.

i genuinely cannot think of anything else I've done to cause harm to anyone in this fandom. even with people i don't like, i still don't want to hurt them. i just don't want to interact with them. if there is something else i did and you want to talk to me about it, i am open to hearing about that and doing what i can to alleviate that hurt (if it's possible, i know sometimes it's not) and making the effort to not do that again in the future.

i know i can't do anything about people who are already convinced that i am the devil, but i don't think i could really accept that and move on without at least getting my side out there. so if you read this, thank you.

that said, i do think i need to disconnect for a while so if anyone reaches out one way or the other, I'm taking the day off from social media, lol. maybe the weekend, idk, we'll see.

but yeah. that's it. thanks. 💙

#t: wench.txt #long post

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