#idk anyways yearning time

[p4nishers]

random hc but. crowley being a plague doctor in the 16th/17th century bc he's supposedly "tempting people into death" but he can never, ever bring himself to actually do that so he ends up soothing their pain as best as he can and comforting them in their last moments. one night, after he held a little girl's hand as she passed away, he sits down at the banks of the river thames, with his plague mask discarded on the dirt, and he starts out over the water with tears in his eyes, wondering what the fuck is actually the point? it's not the first time he's asked himself the question nor the first plague he witnessed but, here, now after personally witnessing hundreds of deaths every day, he really wonders what actually is the point of him? why does he exist and why should he keep existing. why does he get to live when so many others don't? how is that fair? how is any of it fair? that's how aziraphale finds him, as he just got back from an assignment somewhere or other and hears crowley is in town, so he discreetly looks for him and finds him there, sitting in the dirt, now with his head in his hands, his shoulders silently shaking and is obviously immediately worried but doesn't know how to comfort him or what's allowed so he just sits beside crowley and watches him try to pull himself together. aziraphale's heart breaks, he put what happened together from the mask and the robes and he obviously knows about the bubonic plague but was convinced it was hell's doing and couldn't have even imagined crowley was out there everyday, helping people under the guise of hurting them. is he surprised? no, of course not but it still hurts to see crowley like this. but he's afraid to cross their unspoken rules so he quietly waits crowley out. he watches the water and doesn't dare look at crowley as he lifts his head and takes a few shaky breaths in. after a few minutes of breathing, crowley croaks out "her name was mary" and nothing else, and aziraphale understands, god he understands. it's one of the things they never speak about after it happens but aziraphale can't forget the night he sat with crowley for hours, till the sun came up, as he cried about a death of one little girl. he holds it close to his chest and never, ever forgets.

#neither does crowley. he should've been cast out the second he put that mask on cause he'd never be able to do what they wanted him to but #aziraphale would never ever say a word about this and crowley didn't even have to ask him. crowley remembers how just for a few moments #aziraphale let himself brush crowley's hair out of his eyes tenderly and yearns for smth he will never have #ugh the longing the yearning. 's too much #this came to me at like 2:33 am as i was tryna fall asleep with my little azicrow fantasies and i had this idea for a painting of this scen #and i sketched it in my notes app then was like fuck it and went to sketch it on paper and now here we are #idk if this is coherent and idk if i care #also this was kinda inspired 'and in the waking world we wait and we want' which is a dreamling fic BUT hob was a plague doctor for a while #there and anyway i think about that fic once a day so i randomly steal ideas from that like bro the historical knowledge that fic has??? #INSANE. the history nerd in me goes crazy every time i reread it it's so so so good #anyway i went off track there ill leave whatever this is here #good omens #good omens headcanons #crowley #aziraphale #good omens 2 #azicrow #also i dont claim im a writer in any way shape or form im just slightly insane so ignore how awkward this is

[slasher-mlm]

hey guys. should i, at risk of being basic, tell my best friend since 4th grade that i think i'm in love with him on valentine's day?

#maybe i could be silly and make this a poll actually... #.docx #personal #also “i think” because i'm still not fully sure. #a) it's been so long since i've had a “crush” #and b) quoiromantic. #so idk what the hell is really goin on. but like #if i have to spend so much time trying to figure it out then i probably am in love with him right? #idk. anyways. help me out homos #gay #mlm #gay yearning #mlm yearning #💘

[aeide-thea]

thinking about all the women whose orbits i've had to remove myself from bc they meant too much to me while i meant too little to them

#i don't talk abt this particular feeling much bc i'm not entirely convinced it's a value-neutral sort of incompatibility— #i tend to feel it's an indication of my own fundamental warping‚ that i get greedy and codependent and desperate and can't just be chill #and that it probably has something to do with the fucked-up codependent relationship model i was raised with #but it really is just like. from the high school friendship i had to drop even though i was besotted (flavor undefined) with her #bc i couldn't handle being Just One of Many Hangers-On‚ even though she said she valued and cared abt me #to the metamour i adored (flavor undefined) who supposedly valued and cared abt me too‚ but‚ like‚ not enough #to the ex-moot who remade who i really mournfully decided i couldn't re-follow bc i couldn't stop pedestalizing her #out of all proportion with the actual intimacy of our actual interactions… #idk. just feels like. very much a Recurrent Pattern for me and not a great one! #(and like. obviously the easy read here is that it was unrequited love every time; and who knows‚ maybe it was— #but it's never been obvious to me what the exact flavor of the thing was‚ just that it was sweet and tangy until eventually it stung) #anyway. i would say 'idk what even got me onto this' but actually i know exactly what got me onto this #which was: reading fic where half the pairing was aro #and like. in the fic it worked for them‚ and like‚ in life it's so often been so close to working for me! #but then the black hole of Undefined Sad Yearning inevitably starts to gape #anyway. hashtag nightblogging ig‚ lol #feelingsblogging #past lives #the psyche #(eta thinking abt it more this has also sometimes happened with trans ppl of various non-woman stripes #but in those instances i *have* just mentally filed the dynamic under (failed/abortive) romance+‚ i think #honestly very possible that's where every instance of it belongs and it's just that i don't know how to be in love with women. #like i don't identify as not-attracted-to-women‚ i'm definitely attracted to women— #'sometimes‚' i started to say‚ but like. i'm attracted to women at the same rate i'm attracted to people of other genders‚ really— #but like. societal queerphobia really does a number on you. #like. not that playing the woman's part in the cishet relationship-escalator model appeals or makes any sense for me either #but at least it's‚ idk‚ something to kick off from?? #whereas with women it's just like. a ladder into mysterious fog. how do. where go. #insane to me that i'm this old and yet this is still where i am with this. god.)

[bethiewhimsy]

i’ve been stricken with so many problems.

#1) the fucking yearning. go away. i don’t need romantic love. it SUCKS and it’s BAD. disgusting. #2) a sudden repulsion for skirts???? WHAT THE HELL. I LOVE SKIRTS. BUT I CANT BRING MYSELF TO WEAR THEM RN. it’s so fucking weird. #3) i have to actually decide what to do with my life. like. big things. like getting a damn apartment. #4) the crippling fear of growing up has resurfaced. i just turned 20. i don’t want to do this shit anymore. #anyway i’m fine 👍 #i suppose this is a vent post??? but in the tags. #haven’t vented on tumblr dot com in a hot hot hot minute #not since my irl friend started following me (hopefully they’re not reading this but if they are: hi) #ranting in the tags feels SO much safer. like. no one’s coming in here #OH ANOTHER THING. #5) a fucking midterm is here and it takes EFFORT. #it’s whatever im just feeling feelings and that’s all right #at least i have a fun little thing to look forward to this weekend #im going to see a ballet !!! #but damn……::::that makes me think about how i’ll never actually do anything with my life. #like we can’t all be on the stage but hell #like??? the knowledge that it only gets worse from here???????????? what the actual hell #and sometimes i think about how i’ll always have to be in the closet. #which sometimes im completely fine with and other times it hurts me a lot #idk. IDK. #anyway. im 20 and i don’t know what im doing with my life and ive never had a lover and i don’t have many friends #and i don’t have any passions or dreams or goals and we’re all only here to one day die. #damn i guess this is why people journal #maybe i should pick up journaling #i think it’d help tbh #anyway im rlly truly actually done now #edit: I HAVE ANOTHER PROBLEM #6) MY PERIOD IS MAKING ME UPSET. everything hurts and im gonna be so nauseous and gross tomorrow help me. pain & agony #7) i cant fall asleep!!!!!!!!!!! but im so tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #8) im gonna have to sit thru a transphobic + misogynistic + toxic ass chapel teaching tomorrow.

[burnedself]

I oughta do more plotted things here

#;out of time. #in many aspects I feel this blog is still in its infancy ya kno? so I am fine with keeping it fast n loose in the wilderness years #on the other hand. mind yearns for more fleshed out / plotted / idk things #ya kno? ya kno #anyway gonna be making icons and working on drafts / starters xoxo

[dilemmaed]

as an avid hater of the "A fell first but B fell harder" trope idk what to do with myself after it happened to me personally

#and I don't mean that lightly. I mean I had feelings for him for an entire year and had time to yearn and be angsty and everything #and then he fell in love with me within like 2 weeks. and there is even a MOMENT where he told me it CLICKED for him #(I put my head on his shoulder and he said he thought ''oh. she's everything I want'') (yeah even an OH as well) #and since then. he has told me some sickeningly romantic stuff and it was so hard and fast for him. #and he loves me so much. he's actually. The Best #anyway yeah it's real and idk what to do now but idm I can just enjoy being in a relationship

[frecklystars]

me, knowing very well i cannot handle gore or copious amounts of blood in movies and am very easily alarmed by overly violent male characters: wow, i can't wait to watch only god forgives this month and add julian to my F/O list :)

#out of all Ryan F/Os julian is one ive been REALLY excited for. my top 3 most anticipated to kiss!!! #i need someone to watch it with me my first time bc theres no way i can do it by myself LOL #going thru doesthedogdie website and nodding my head while grimacing: ohhhh. funnnn ohh. yes #i already got spoiled on how it ends but i am curious to see how it gets to that point. i guess #god i just wanna kiss him tbh thats really it. #show me my new bodyguard boyfriend who would quite literally die and kill for me #what kind of trinket will i gift him i wonder?? a bracelet? a ring? a necklace? #or something else entirely?? #most of the time i give accessories but there's exceptions. jacob has a camera for example #driver has a rubik's cube and holland has a lighter. maybe julian will have something different! #i see julian and i having a february anniversary but i had already watched blue valentine for dean #but hey. april feels good too. for julian i mean. feels right. #february would have been best tho idk how to explain it... the vibe... fits better #but hey. april :) i think thats second best. a spring anniversary when the flowers begin to bloom #i wanna hold his hand so bad. i wanna hug. i love him SO MUCH already #ive been pining and yearning and longing for MOOONTHS #FINALLY I CAN WATCH THE MOVIE AND LOOK AWAY FROM THE SCREEN 99% OF THE TIME #AND THEN SPEND THE OTHER 1% OGLING AT HIS PRETTY FACE #the scar over his eyebrow ughhh im obsessed. anyway. anyway #woof #love notes #Julian tag TBA

[poems-of-a-lover]

i am so. tired. i just wanna be held so i can sleep god dammit.

#im losing it #crying like that earlier rlly exhausted me dude #esp bc its been such a long time since ive done that #i havent been able to cry recently idk what it is #like i can tear up but not full on cry its so weird #except for today apparently #anyway. getting to that time of night when my brain shuts off and u can no longer understand a word im saying. #mlm #mlm yearning #mlm post #mlm love #gay mlm #mlm thoughts #t4t #trans mlm #mlm blog #t4t yearning

[bones-n-bookles]

ISSA START

I have. A List of things i wanna mess with but im very happy to have captured the vibe without making it too similar I dont think? Likely won't post this on my art insta or fb still since it is so closely inspired by Remarin's piece but wanted to share it somewhere lol

#my art #shale #wip #idk what normal posting protocol is for stuff this closely inspired #i have nothing but respect and admiration for remarins work #and dont wanna like. try to make a bootleg version of it or anything #been watching their speedpaints for years and this one just. hits my edgy dog yearning #and im tryna force myself into rendering a bit more and doing more fun style stuff #and just drawing For Me and not other people all the time #anyways

[indigodawns]

.

#blabla vent tags incoming #but im just so tired HSNSJS i know part of it is probably genuinely my messed up sleeping schedule and not having anything to do rn #but i keep having okay/good moments vs moments of being completely Done for no reason #like oh i don't want to do this anymore. not in a concerning way dw dw but also??? #just so so sick of living with myself for no good reason rip #anyways this was gonna be a post abt how bls are making me Yearn again which is gross #and i might be going on a date this week with someone? bc i opened tinder etc again HSJSJDB rip #but now im suddenly hit by the. ohhhhhhh i wanna date/kiss a girl. im not going on a date with a girl #dhsjsbsbdndj rip for being bi ig i sure am flighty/flaky in everything 💀💀 #haven't followed any bts updates in weeks now either #and blasting through new hyperfixations at a wild pace which im sure is due to having too much time on my hands but cmon now 💀💀 #idk none of this is getting to the point i just. what's the yoongi quote? wanna throw myself away #and i can't explain it and this keeps hitting in moments and then im fine again but it's like ok ive tried it. can't make sense of it. #what now??? #but also like i just need to flip a switch and then ill be fine!!! just flip it!!! #i will say watching the eclipse had me there actually but what good does that do anyone dhsnsjdj

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

me for the majority of the night:

me remembering that my grandma gave me a quilt that was handmade in the 60s by my great grandma:

#do u guys ever feel like. intensely connected with an object #bc she gave this to me when they were visiting yesterday and i was like..oh. yeah. this Feels Right #this Feels Correct. #this is my hole it was made for me but like..about a blanket that was made like 50 years ago #its all... dark blue and pink and its got hearts sewn into it its so. waaugh #anyway. im having. a night #loki got into the garbage and ate a bunch of shit and i dont know what he ate so im like. panic awake for the next few hours for sure #and imnlike. the last few days ive just had this intense like. need. yearning. to just. take a break. #im not even DOING anything. theres nothing to take a break FROM. ive been ACTIVELY AVOIDING responsibilities #but i still feel like i need a break. whats the move here. #i wanr 2 put my body on autopilot and not exist for like a few days i think that would fix me. just fuckjn. zap on outta here #im drawjng a bunch of weird fish. btw. will post those in the morning. i have never done anythig. like this before #im just. drawing random ass shapes and adding eyes and tails to them. not even lookin at actual fish. this is so unlike me #but also like. accidentally drew the cutest sea serpent and catfish ever #ughghghhhgyggygyghg #anyway. blanket time. idk. back to that for a sec. lookin @ this thing and it just. feels right. yeah #mine now. thanks great grammy ily #delete later

[qeyond]

okay so i did basically 4.5 years of design school to become an industrial designer which is just a fancy degree word for "I make consumer products and curate user experiences" or whatever

ANYWAY I'm staring at the sketch of L's bong and I know, I KNOW, so deeply it would be productive to sketch up more concepts and brain storm like I was schooled to, but my burn out brain is like >:(((((( NO BRAIN STORM. NO CONCEPTUALIZE. ONLY SKETCH!!

#qeyond sucks #i didnt get my bachelors cuz i dropped out a year before graduation cuz of burn out and covid making the course online (very hands on) #so while my classmates are graduating this month (SO PROUD OF THEM!!!) im here drawing Light Yagami's dump truck ass #and L lawliet worlds greatest detective blazed out his gourd yearning and longing #that being said despite sketching all the time in those 4.5 years I literally never got to draw for myself #so this is the first time in a long long long time ive drawn people #and im just really happy with how my skills are improving and im learning CSpaint and just #getting to interact with other people in the death note fandom is ALWAYS such a huge mood boost #im really really so happy yall are having fun with me <3 #idk i havent been in a community besides being queer since like 2010 so its just really really nice #<3 <3 <3 #anyway -_- might have to do concept page #BUT I WONT STRESS MYSELF OUT TRYING TO BE PROFESSIONAL AND GOOD ABOUT THE PERSPECTIVES #I WONT!!!! I ... I wont... ; _ ; #(profs are gonna show up and kill me for fucking up an ellipse)

[lesbiten]

hey so not to still be stuck on this because i always will be but i feel like yaz living in that other tardis for Ten Months just gathering notes on how it works and ways she can try to find the doctor is like. severely overlooked. just in general

#like that shit HURTS are you kidding me #theres so much with them and being separated for long periods of time #the 10 months for yaz vs However Long that was for thirteen (i forget i just know she was in space jail for a While) #the 3 years for yaz in the 20th century w/ dan vs...how long was it for 13? not as long i do know that #and then theres just like the smaller stuff too......idk #they get separated so much i feel like its hinting to what this finale is gonna be #hey remember doomsday? not to be like 'thasmin has been paralleling doomsday since EPISODE ONE and this finale will most likely end in yaz #being separated from the doctor permanently just like rose was in doomsday' #but Thats Whats Going To Happen Im Telling You #thasmin is just 10rose but with more yearning #anyways what was this post about #OH YEAH. yaz. tardis. 10 months. #when graham and ryan go to visit her and theyre just gently trying to get her to go out with them ..... Yeah #and when 13 finally comes home and is acting all peppy and like nothing happened and yaz shoves her and goes 'we were worried about you' #and 13 doesnt even KNOW the weight of that coming from yaz. SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW!!!!!! #shit is insane. its insane. im going crazy #simon says

[nooradeservedbetter]

.

#man there's some blogs out here that i really cannot follow #not through any fault of their own but genuinely thinking about one direction in any way that is related to rl analysing makes me so sad #and yearning #i'm fine with fics i'm fine with edits and gifs and cute pictures and songs #i'm even fine with bbg discourse (fine as in: i ignore it as i've always done) #but this fandom.... this fandom. idk #1d entered my radar for the vmas 2013 and i slowly got into the fandom first in italian and then i came here around uhh #i don't remember but i started reblogging in feb 2014 apparently #i remember being an anti at first and then one gif made me change my mind #but that's not the point #the point is that in august 2014 my abusive ex left me and one of the reasons why i'm still here and i am what i am is the fandom #it's this fandom #and coming back to it after years in which while a fan i wasn't technically in it is.... #it hurts. it's a weird feelings in my stomach. it's looking around and seeing new faces and wondering where the old ones are #it's seeing narratives change and analysis change as well #and i guess it's more about the time passing. idk. #me? i just wanna write fic at the moment #i cannot handle really thinking about irl them #so anyway