#feelingsblogging

[aeide-thea]

#poetry #emily dickinson #feelingsblogging

[jennycalendar]

it’s so hard to pin down the emotion i’m feeling right now. i was just talking to a friend of my dad’s, meeting them for the first time, and i haven’t felt so wrongfooted in a while. for the last three or four years i’ve been effortlessly cordial with people i don’t know well -- chattery, polite, bubbly and whimsical in a way i would certainly describe as charming. absolutely all of that came from the fact that the only thing i was trying to do was to get them to like me, and that there was no attempt on my part to know or care about them. 

and granted i get why that was the case at the time! in high school, making sure that a new person liked me was more often than not a safety concern: if a friend of my bio mom’s didn’t like me, they could pass the message onto her, and she would immediately take that out on me. makes sense that that would then translate to EVERY social situation i found myself in, yk? that i would go from person to person with my only objective “do they like me” because if they did not like me, i would be in danger. i can defs think of some situations in college where that was the case as well. (my freshman year of college...i hid it from pretty much everybody, including myself, but i was making a string of really fucked up and self destructive choices that might have continued if not for covid.)

but the point is: i was talking to a friend of my dad’s, and i found that what i cared about the most was making a good first impression as me. it was very weird and i was shy and stuttery and i felt more like myself than i have in a long time. i am shy and stuttery around new people. i take a while to open up. most of the people who have my heart have had it for years, and some of them i’m still a little weird around! it puts a lot of stuff into jarring perspective.

i’m glad i’m here. i guess that’s what i’m trying to say. i lied so gracefully and proficiently in high school and in college to keep myself alive, and this last year i found myself safe enough and stable enough that i no longer need to do that anymore. 

#(positive post dw it's just LongIsh) #ahhhh i don't even know what to tag this just! feelings #it's so weird to be self sufficient and in charge of my own life #i literally cannot overemphasize how fucked up i was freshman year of college. like jesus christ #i've missed feelingsblogging on here a little lmao but i have . like . People To Talk To about confusing emotions #so it isn't exactly a Necessity #it's just . yknow. smth i don't mind sharing today

[adventures-in-asexuality]

I wrote a bunch of stories and plays and whatnot when I was young, but ever since I turned seventeen or so it’s been a very haphazard, on-and-off affair; I’ve wanted to create things, but never had good enough or compelling enough or fleshed-out-enough ideas, and so it went in fits and spurts of deeply unsatisfactory essays.

and now I am In Fandom, and I’m writing my third fanfic in about a month, and I have been keeping a log of all the ideas for future fics I want to write and right now that’s sitting at 28 ideas, and I’m just so happy to be here. to have things that I want to create; to be able to create as a means of communication rather than sitting at my computer writing stuff that no one else will read; to find a community around this that works for me. I love it.

#the elusive genuine feelingsblog #jjba tag #a lot of things... are linked back to communication for me (and I'm thinking about that quite a bit at the moment anyway) #but. communication. connection. it's good. #also extremely gratifying when people yell at you for making them sad :P

[industrialbruise]

i don’t get why i still have this problem

being engaged should be enough for anybody to chill out about it but

i was a bad choice

and it’s like i’m constantly waiting for somebody to show up who’s a better choice

ideally somebody who shouldn’t have been sterilized before he could even spring

#amenta rp #z feelingsblogs #ooc: i feel like this needs a cw but i have no clue what

[geddyqueer]

feelingsblogging, feel free to ignore

I’ve tried to extend my friend a lot of grace this season bc she has been going through a rough breakup but it really feels like she sees me as a Useful Tool and not like a person at this point. the day i found out Alyssa died she like called me in tears and obviously I went over immediately to see what was wrong and care for her but all it was was she saw her ex at the grocery store with his new girlfriend… and she finally after an hour asked how I was and I couldn’t just say “well my friend got murdered last night” 🙃 and then this week she invited me to her divorce party and I was like oh cool and she was like “yeah since you’re sober I thought you would be the perfect designated driver for everyone!“ like oh I’m not actually invited to join the party, just to drive a bunch of drunk people around? cool cool… well anyway just thought I would get my feelings out here :) I have severe anxiety and every time I try to explain my feelings to people in a non text based setting I go insane :)

#this is why my closest friends are my internet friends :)

[elucubrare]

ALTHAEA. First Artemis for all this harried land  I praise not; and for wasting of the boar  That mars with tooth and tusk and fiery feet  Green pasturage and the grace of standing corn  And meadow and marsh with springs and unblown leaves,  Flocks and swift herds and all that bite sweet grass,  I praise her not, what things are these to praise?

#this is feelingsblogging but to explain why is Too Complicated #expressing my emotions through high literature

[schemashawty777]

did I build a ship to wreck?

#follow #florence&themachine #boat #happyorsad #ugh #imtiredofdoinghashtags #loveblog #feelingsblog #blog #running #from #yesterdays #feelings #like #repost #ship #wood #sad #happy #justtired

[aeide-thea]

sometimes it really is just like. is this all there is. feeling oversensitive & undersocialized—too sensitive to socialize—forever, bc you never got enough ~affirmation~ growing up (poor, pathetic baby; how long will you persist in singing the same self-pitying song…), & so never developed the proper emotional cushioning against the heartache & the thousand natural shocks, &c, &c, &c, &c, &c…

#like—you can't get close to people if you're too raw to bear the inevitable grit of misunderstandings and small incompatibilities #we all fail one another. sometimes in a myriad of small ways‚ sometimes in big ones— #sometimes you and people you care about are simultaneously failing each other on separate but parallel tracks #and ultimately you have to be able to bear that and keep reaching out to people anyway‚ as you hope they will to you #and i just. i need so badly for something—someone—to be new and good and an easy fit‚ because i haven't got trying in me #but also frankly i wouldn't trust anything like that if it appeared to me‚ at this point #molly grue voice how dare you come to me now &c #i'm a fussy person whose capacity for delight has drained away #and i think it's SO important to be kind and yet still so often i don't manage it #despite biting my tongue SO often that it hurts‚ which has taught me to feel there's nothing acceptable abt my own reactions #and i never MEAN to be pompous or dickish or whatever but caring about precision and conscientiousness and whatnot isn't in fashion #so i'm pretty sure that's how i come off to most people #and there's no prospect of anything changing and it's just like. sometimes in the night i think. well. i'm basically already dead then. #like. the last‚ i don't know‚ almost-decade at this point has been a slow painful process of sinking ever deeper into exile #stripping away various social positionalities and connections in trade for—nothing. #alien nation. #all the norms are shit but outside them—what is there. #anyway. #feelingsblogging

[aeide-thea]

do you ever think abt like. how it takes you twice as much work to arrive at half as much personhood and by the time you've managed to scrape yrself together that far the ppl you were trying to join in with have moved on

#that sounds really morose and i guess it is but i'm resigned to it really at this point #just like. doing SO much work recently to be such a pathetic skeleton of a conversationalist #and it's not like it hasn't also brought me joy but like. the reward for trying is what. that you get to keep trying?? #and it doesn't even get easier exactly! #i mean i guess pieces of it do‚ and then sometimes that progress lets you hack away at the bits you couldn't even touch before #but it's like. who am i even doing it for. ''''me.'''' who is that and why do they deserve anything at all from me #tired and sad in a way that's just like. not even active anymore just ground into my pores like dirt. #still here. still halfheartedly intermittently trying. #but it IS hard to be like. wow i made SUCH huge efforts and where did they get me. #only about as far as 'being able to communicate my uselessness instead of being in a blackout hole abt it.' #which like. is simultaneously radical enormous progress and also. absolutely nothing at all. #anyway would love to not be like. swamped with huge miserable terrible feelings at the absolute slightest pretext #but. what can you do! #journaling #feelingsblogging

[aeide-thea]

deeply frustrated and disappointed to realize how much of the way i interact with Baby Sister is actually about my own stasis and shame

like a lot of it is very tiny things and none of it is maliciously intended and most of it doesn’t seem to bother her particularly (though i could be wrong about that!), but like, when i think to myself, okay, what was my, like, perlocutionary aim in saying/doing this, so often it’s like. partially about trying to reestablish a sense of intimacy, which is fine, but then also partially, if you dig down a little more, about, like, angling for dominance in some domain i don’t even think is that valuable—if i thought it were, i wouldn’t tease her about it! i love her and spend a lot of time trying to tell her how excellent she is!—in an attempt to reassure myself that i’m not a *totally* worthless piece of shit. except that of course what if anything really makes me a piece of shit is behaving like this!

and then there’s also the aspect i blogged about earlier, where like, i find ways that she’s distanced herself from the version of her i’m more familiar with to be alienating and/or threatening, especially when her old habits were more comfortable or congenial for me than her new ones, and react to that alteration in a variety of ways i’m not proud of, because i can’t help perceiving it as both a rejection of me and inherently a demand that i set aside my own preferences in favor of her new and improved ones, because i don’t actually understand how to compromise, just how to crumple

and of course none of this self-scrutiny is even all that useful, because it doesn’t really suggest to me any obvious ways to behave better in the moment, going forward—it just leaves me feeling like, ‘okay, all my instincts about how to behave socially are wrong, cool, love that for me,’ which is both unhelpful and reminiscent of a lifetime of adhd trauma in a frankly triggering way!

(also like. minor addendum left over from the other day, but: very extremely do not love being told that i’m being ‘aggressive’ about something when i (a) genuinely don’t mean to be, but also and more importantly, (b) can’t, even on later reflection, see that i was. like what do you even do with that feedback!! it’s not actionable without more specificity!! not to mention that tbh i have no way of knowing if i was objectively behaving badly or if something abt the intensity of my engagement with the (totally innocuous) topic up for debate was just, like, triggering for her? which, dgmw, i would still want to try and accommodate, but in that case i’d appreciate not having the dynamic framed as though the problem objectively lies with me, instead of somewhere in the space between us?)

#blegh. #feelingsblogging #this is probably not hugely externally legible tbh but i wanted to set it down #for my own reference and also just to purge it #engagement not unwelcome but not mandatory either

[aeide-thea]

i do think it like. fundamentally really makes me feel depressed and destabilized when (once-)intimates change on me, particularly in ways i find threateningly alien, because it’s just like, what i love i lose, and get nothing in trade… not an acceptable feeling but a real one. probably the way to solve it would be to (1) take more control over aspects of my own life that i could actually ethically seek to control, and also (2) become more open to learning to love new (versions of) people, but like. knowing that’s necessary—at least, unless i want to dwindle and curdle into assholish abandonment—doesn’t actually make it feel any more possible…

#feelingsblogging

[aeide-thea]

like unfortunately in certain ways it feels pretty actively worse than just moldering alone to socialize with people and be slowly lowered into out-of-all-reasonable-proportion distress by (1) stupid small thoughtless things you know you shouldn’t take to heart but can’t help so taking, becoz yr heart is very bruised and very tender, and also (2) the creeping probably-irrational-but-maybe-nonetheless-correct concern that you have—or at any rate will inevitably have—been judged a pitiably dreary bore, despite having done yr currently (or perhaps always) poor best to be Cheerful and Engaging…

#like ultimately it’s probably just some combination of social anxiety and social rustiness #and this particular social dynamic just being a largely-good-but-not-quite-perfect fit #which triggers my own eternal conditioned readiness to assume the fault is with me and not with anyone else— #or rather‚ that there’s no real Fault in any of us but may be a compatibility just enough short of perfect to chafe‚ like grit in an oyster #alas that i have no analogous beautifully smoothing secretions! #journaling #feelingsblogging

[aeide-thea]

something something on the one hand a lot of my alienation is correct or at least reasonable but on the other hand if i don’t try to have more (unfounded) hope that people COULD be good to connect with and COULD see me the way i want to be seen and whatnot, then i’m just building up a wall of jaded bitterness around myself and might as well be dead already (which is how i feel and how part of me wishes i were but, you know, not really, it’s just that my ““life”” as it is is empty and thankless and hopeless and i try to keep up the side but.)

#like i don’t even *want* a Relationship at this point but very arguably that’s a symptom #like i just feel a like. deep disdain and disinterest at the thought of connecting with people these daya #*days #but really it’s like. i started out *so* sensitive and ready to be delighted‚ like a little sunflower #and now i’m just like. calloused over with hopeless misery and like. i’m not wrong to disdain a lot of the institutions i do #or at least‚ some degree of skepticism is justified #but at the same time. what do we have but flawed humanity. for worse or for better that’s what there is. #anyway i’m just upset right now bc i feel alone and i feel like it’s making me a dick #but like. mounting a fake performance of affability would be differently bad for me so. #this too will pass but. hard little knot of miseryshameresentment&c. #feelingsblogging

[aeide-thea]

god life really is just like. either you shack up or you find yourself out in the cold gazing into the distant lamplit windows of other people’s shacks where they’re busy living and loving, huh

#like there wasn’t really any One Who Got Away (except maybe my actualized self) #everyone i let go of wasn’t right for me or didn’t want to be right for me #but like. people just build lives centered around their own hearths #and there’s nothing wrong with that but it’s hard to be on the outside of #with no particular prospect of ever making it inside #anyway. idk. our ordinary more-aloof programming will (hopefully) resume shortly #feelingsblogging

[aeide-thea]

pathetic of me but this thing where ~my houseguests~ keep just disappearing off to bed at the end of the evening without ever explicitly saying goodnight, leaving me to go, oh, uh, okay, i see they shut the door on me, guess they’re Done…? does make me feel bad, lol

#like yes it was clear we were all heading that direction. yes it does still feel better when you act like you remember i’m also here. :/ #blegh. #ah well. at the end of the day they’re babies and i’m a loser so why SHOULD they do me the courtesy really. #journaling #feelingsblogging

[aeide-thea]

Keeping Things Whole

In a field I am the absence of field. This is always the case. Wherever I am I am what is missing.

When I walk I part the air and always the air moves in to fill the spaces where my body’s been.

We all have reasons for moving. I move to keep things whole.

—Mark Strand (1964)

#thinking about this one again/always #poetry #mark strand #feelingsblogging