#idk if i even managed to convey the meaning i wanted to with this poem | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chychy0825 · 5 years

Text

entry 1, sept.14

basically there a girl that i love very, very much and i don’t have anyone to rant to about her so i made a tumblr blog

so, the beginning.

in eighth grade, i move to korea, where my parents grew up. i grew up all around america and at this point i knew almost nothing about korea. i start as a second year in middle school, when all friendships are already established.

(quick background info, in korean middle schools, we dont have separate classes, we always stay in our homeroom and sometimes as a class, switch to other classrooms for special occasions, ie the science lab, library, but we don’t change classes so your’e stuck with your homeroom classmates for a year)

at this point in life i’m a huge weeb, socially awkward and i didn’t know if korean kids liked the same stuff as i did, and it made me so, so scared and anxious. and then i meet this girl. we are kinda forced to sit together when we move classrooms for english and the teacher doesn’t assign seats, since everyone else already has a friend/partner to sit with. since its like the second day of the new year and our first eng class (in korea, schedules differ every day since we have more subjects) , the teacher gives us a free period as long as we stayed in the classroom. the girl next to me starts doodling and whatdya know, shes drawing touka from tokyo ghoul (also at this point in life, i was a huge, huge tokyo ghoul fan) and also being an artist, i knew how anxious it was when someone stared at you drawing, but i was so desperate to be friends with her. so i start this huge debate of whether or not i should ask her if she knows tokyo ghoul. btw, im the most introverted introvert ever, and i never initiate conversations first.

but this one time, i did.

and it has been one of the best decisions that i made in my life.

she said yes, it was tokyo ghoul, and it turns out she’s also an artist, she also likes anime, she gets western humor/memes/culture since she had also grown up in canada for a short period of time. she has the exact same taste in music, books, manga, animals, art and so on.

we click together immediately.

until, then, i used to be more of an emotionally distant person, even with my friends. it might have been the byproduct of moving around a lot. when i made friends, there was this line i wouldn’t cross with them. friends i made in school, stayed in school; they weren’t a part of my personal life. they were there for me to have fun with at lunch breaks, maybe whisper to each other during a boring class, but not for an emotional, deeper bond.

but this time it was so much more.

within one year of knowing her, she manages to make me forget about the line i had always kept when it came to friends. i let her overstep into my personal life, into my very being. i got so emotionally attached. she’s also the first friend that i was able to feel comfortable with when it came to physical contact.

(little more background info, korean girls tend to be more touchy with platonic friends than western girls. holding hands, walking arm in arm is common) (yeah that means i nearly had a heart attack when she casually grabbed my hand as a platonic gesture)

fast forward to the winter break of eight grade.

at this point in life, i was fairly sure i was het, with high standards. i had never had a crush on a guy other than like, “celebrity crushes” (which was actually the incorrect term, i was more attracted to their aesthetic that the actual person in a romantic way) and mostly i assumed it was because there weren’t many decent guys in my life (also worth mentioning that the middle school i went to was an all-girls christian middle school). but until then, i kind of didn’t know being lgbt was a thing (despite growing up near sf, my parents (remember, they were raised in korea and in christian families) never let me get exposed to the lgbt community (but not in a homophobic way, it was new to them as well and they hadn’t understood it perfectly at the time). also at this point in life, i start to use the internet for more than googling. i start going on tumblr, twitter etc., reading blogs and posts from people around the world, and got educated on social issues, feminism, politics, and the modern perceptions of gender and sexuality.

and that opens up an entirely new world.

so the whole “wow i might not be het” incident occurs at school, actually. my friend casually mentions that she’s bi, she doesn’t care about the gender of the person she would love.

and that made me go, hey, maybe me too?

and then, wait, do i like her?

and then i proceeded to put those feelings on hold, because now, it’s the end of the school year, there’s spring break and we’re both busy so we didn’t see each other much and i kind of forgot the whole thing.

fast forward and the new school year begins. we ended up in different classes, but we still spent lunch breaks together, still hung out a lot. i did make friends in my new class, but still kept the line drawn, and kept them as “school friends.” but she made new friends, too. and honestly, they’re cool people, i actually became friends with them, too. but it was kind of bugging me that she spent more time with them, since they were in the same class. and i realized i was jealous.

and that realization hit me like, what the fuck?

and then i remembered, oh yeah, i kind of liked her.

you know the super cliche saying where it’s like you don’t know how much you really love someone until they’re gone? this was exactly that.

so i came to the dramatic realization that i was “bi” (spoiler alert, i’m not) and that i liked my best friend. but ok, that’s cool and all, it’s a crush.

but then, just as she always has, she proved me wrong.

on my birthday, i slept over at her house. we celebrated with just the two of us, without other friends. we had cake, watched some bbc sherlock, did a little gaming, etc., then she gave me my present. she actually gave me a lot of presents, like until then all my birthday presents were like One Cool Thing From Target But Giftwrapped, but she literally gave me a heck ton of really thoughtful gifts. the most memorable one was a branch(stalk? idk) of cotton, and said she wanted to get me dried hydrangeas but they were too expensive. i asked her why dried, she said because then, they wouldn’t wilt. like ok, that’s really cool and thoughtful of her. then she gave me a letter and told me to open it when i got home, since if i read it in front of her she would be embarrassed.

and i went what the actual fuck???? so while she was washing and getting ready for bed, i opened the letter.

and oh my fucking god.

it was actually the first “genuine” letter that i had gotten in my life (excluding the ones from my parents). basically, (i’m paraphrasing and translating) what it said was “i don’t know what you think about me, but i’m trying to take care of you well and i treasure you greatly, thank you for being born.” which kinda. yeets my heart out of my mouth. she had also written a japanese poem on the letter but like in japanese. and i had no fucking clue how to read it, who wrote it, or what it was about. i went home later and i tried to figure out the poem, but google translate and my limited japanese kanji weren’t really helping. so i reached out for help from one of my american friends (who was half japanese). she couldn’t figure out who the poem was by, or where it was from, but she was able to give me a rough english translation (unfortunately, she said she wasn’t very good at jap, so she couldn’t convey the poetic-ness of it) so i then searched for the korean translation of the poem using the rough english translation.

and finally, finally, i found it.

it was part of the short story/poem “Osan” (おさん, 1947_) _by Dazai Osamu (an inside joke kind of, since we were both into bungo stray dogs at the time)

(i actually couldn’t find the official translation since it’s not a very well known work of his and googling anything with dazai’s name on it only gets me anime dazai jashdkahdkahd)

so here, a rough translation by me:

“I’m trying to cherish you

Shield you from the wind, and take care of you.

You, you are a great person.

Do not focus on mundande things, have self-confidence and stay calm.

I am always only filled with thoughts about you.

About which, you can have sky-high pride in.”

_ _

and i couldn’t figure out if she meant it in a platonic way or not (the japanese friend who translated it for me said it sounded like a love confession)

but at this point i realized that i might actually have fallen in love with her?

so that’s part one, the beginning.

(i’ll continue after exams are over and i have more energy and will to live in general)

#chy's diary #rant #a really long rant #im just a helpless lesbian maam

0 notes