#im a stupid ram main

[mikuni14]

Sing My Crush

I binged Sing My Crush and absolutely loved the series. I liked practically everything, from the main and side characters, the interesting and innovative type of the villain and the conflict he created, the fact that the "11th episode drama" has its mostly external causes, that one of the ML falls in love twice and it's treated completely normally, that the story is interesting and well narrated, both MLs are equally likable and I was cheering for both of them, there was no separation at the end, which I totally expected, all problems were solved practically right away.

What I also liked is how both MLs reflect the "cat and dog energy", but in a way that is not irritating. I especially mean how typical a "puppy-golden retriever" is Im Han Tae. But he is the way I like, that is, this "dog" energy gives him only good features, i.e. absolute loyalty, optimism, willingness to help, the need to save and to care for other people, sincere and bubbly personality. And what's especially important to me about the "puppy/sunshine" personality type, which the series NOTORIOUSLY fail to do right, is that these characters sometimes come off "stupid", BUT THEY ARE NOT STUPID. It's just that someone else is taking advantage of their good nature and good intentions, and their belief in the goodness and good intentions of other people, or that they're being caught off-guard and need time to think.

Unfortunately, many shows create scenes for characters like this, often intended to be comedic, that "puppy" literally behaves stupid, or like a pre-pubescent boy in a man's body, and in some extreme cases like someone who, sorry to write this, appears to have some intellectual and developmental disabilities. The perfect example of this type of character for me was this guy from Love Tractor, which made me unable to finish the show because I felt so bad watching this 20 year old man act like he was raised in the jungle, who doesn't understand what's going on with him and his body and is completely freaking out. To me, mentally he was literally a child, I felt sick watching him as a love interest of a grown man.

Being child-like is ok when it is part of a personality that is open, trusting, cheerful, eager to explore the world, and curious. Being child-like as a mental level of an adult person is not ok, to me it's just creepy.

When I started watching Sing My Crush and I saw Im Han Tae I thought oh boy, here we go again, another man-child. And you don't know how happy I am that I was wrong. Im Han Tae has all the best features of the golden retriever personality type and is also smart and acts like a guy his age. Unlike many characters of his type in movies and series, he never runs away from his feelings, he confronts them and confronts Han Ba Ram, and when he needs time to think, he doesn't spend it avoiding and hurting in the process his love interest, or feeling sorry for himself and freaking out, but actually thinks the situation through . Like an adult. And he always, ALWAYS, tries his best not to hurt Han Ba Ram, even when he's angry with him.

Similarly, Han Ba Ram, who is portrayed as a typical "cute" and withdrawn character with "cat" energy, is not stereotypical, but also smart, has his own life outside of the romance, his own worries and desires that he doesn't want to "burden" other people with and is a good person who worries about others, and definitely tends to be self-sacrificing. And yes, he's incredibly cute and cries prettily (I thought I'd die and just turn into a puddle of goo when he started crying after boxing class 🥺🥺) and he's soooo adorable and I'd do anything for him (as well as Han Tae who is such a great character).

Ok, I will stop here, because of the chaos of my thoughts regarding this series. Unfortunately I binged the series with only one break, instead of writing my thoughts after each episode, which is the best way not to miss and organize all my reflections about the series 😉 Anyway, I highly recommend this series, I don't think there are any major, or even minor flaws (ok, maybe too much music, but the title says it all, also the singer's voice is really nice). Wow, this year Korea is spoiling me, this is the third series that I like so much 🤩

#sing my crush #korean bl #bl drama

[mickstart]

hey!!! im relatively new to f1 and since i think you have been watching for way longer than i have i was wondering if you have a top 3/top 5 funniest f1 moments like stupid controversies or drivers being idiots or stuff like that :) i'd love to read it if u do!!! <3

Hey omg of course! Thank you I love to ramble about F1. This won't have links BC it's 11pm and I'm in a 🤪 mental health episode ✨ but I welcome the distraction I'm sorry for the low effort heres my list in no particular order. I will be focusing on clown behaviour

Schumi, Mika, and Eddie Irvine getting into a water fight in a press conference specifically Michael begging "leave me out of it please I had nothing to do with it" and hiding behind a towel and Mika running after Eddie with an entire jug.

Montoya on the grid waiting for the race to start being told to get out of his car and into the spare car then getting sent back to the main car then back to the spare car then back to the main car only to find the FIA had disqualified him BC they were fed up with the teams stupidity.

Ralf Schumacher being left up on his jack on the starting grid and Williams not realising despite looking right at him whilst Ferrari waved frantically across the grid at them to try and get their attention and Michael watched it in his mirrors and you can hear him thinking to himself how many Christmases he can tell this story at before people get bored of hearing it.

I know for some people this is a huge controversy but for me Schumi trying to ram Jacques and bouncing comically off of him and beaching his own car is one of the funniest things I've ever seen BC it makes him look SO dumb it makes him look like dick dastardly because of the incompetence not the cheating. He's sat there like "and I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling laws or physics"

European GP 1999 where the start was aborted and the lights stayed on but the drivers didn't realize so like six cars jumped the start and then immediately slammed on the brakes.

Bonus: Schumi v Lewis at monza 2011 (might actually be 2012 but I don't think so) it's so funny Lewis is too good for Schumi to lose him but Schumi is too good for Lewis to pass him so they spend 3/4 of the race in a stalemate. At one point Lewis pits and is freed from staring at Michael's ass. Michael pits a few laps later and comes out right in front of Lewis and the mental image of Lewis seeing him leave the pits like an old woman cutting you off in the car park and going 2mph while you suffer behind her sends me into hysterics every time

#classic f1 #schumi

[azucanela]

Dating korra would include

BEING KORRA’S S/O[GENDER NEUTRAL]

BEING ZUKO’S S/O | BEING SOKKA’S S/O

SUMMARY: life with korra from confession to marriage

WORD COUNT: 2.1k

WARNINGS: no major spoilers 

A/N: SOMEONE WITH T A S T E, i hope you don’t mind but i kinda just did the same thing i did for my zuko headcannons so feel free to scroll straight to the during the relationship bit if you just want dating korra h/c :D 

also i have 300 followers now what, i literally had 200 like yesterday hi everyone <3 um i really need to start pulling out all the stops

GETTING INTO THE RELATIONSHIP

she’s a simp.

that’s it. thats the headcannon. she has literally liked you since she met you and has said nothing, but you probably know since she’s so damn OBVIOUS ABOUT IT

korra is very in tuned with her emotions so when she realizes she likes you she’s pretty okay with it, a little more flustered during your interactions, but after a while her goal is to make you feel how she feel which is flustered.

she has no shame though, she knows she is hot and she wants you to know she thinks you are hot

lots of flirting on her end, so naturally you kinda begin to think she is joking and think nothing of it

this was not her intent, and now that you are desensitized to her flirting and not reacting flustered like you did when she first started she is frustrated™

you were not understanding that she very much likes you

stupid

she hasn’t said anything outright to you about it though, which is the main reason you are like lol this is a joke, my crush fake flirts with me i am okay

spoiler alert: you are not okay with this it hurts ow

so now shes getting ridiculously affectionate with you, which, tbh, she always was, but not its RIDICULOUS, korra is out here throwing an arm around your shoulder, randomly grabbing your hand, kissing your cheek

shes trying really hard to get her point across like really really hard

like painfully hard

if she likes you its probably because your fun, like you really spice up her life and introduce her to new things and go on really dumb adventures and really important missions with her and you put up with her and wow now korra is simping oops

you’re also probably forcing her to stay healthy, since i honestly think that despite having such an appetite, korra will forget to eat and take care of herself sometimes.

she is so bad at drinking water i swear to goD

there are two situations here

situation one is where korra finally realizes that you CANNOT READ SIGNALS AT ALL and decides she going to be upfront with you about her feelings

she’s either going to just flat out kiss you next time she sees you or spill all her emotions, of both in no particular order

you’re like reading in your room in the air temple, just vibing, and you see her coming towards you with a determined look on her face and you’re like ??? lol okay

you go back to reading only to have her hand reach under you jaw and she brings you into a kiss and now you’re like LOL OKAY

you honestly think that this is just another one of her stunts to get you flustered and means nothing

stoopid

and then she pulls apart and just starts spilling her feelings and you’re like :O omg me too 

and she’s like, “great, we’re dating now.” and suddenly she’s kissing you again, and between kisses you’re like, “im sorry what?”

“you heard me. do you have a problem with that?”

you just kiss her again

situation two is where you get sick of her and realize woah she may or may not be in love with you and so you confront her, and now there is a lot of yelling because you are frustrated™ and like screw you korra

you honestly think she is either madly in love with you and just doing this as a joke, and you genuinely think the latter is more like so you lowkey start crying and korra immediately begins to panic

she’s like, “why would i ever joke about that! i’ve literally been trying to get that through your thick skull this whole time!”

this time you kiss her first and korra is throwing a party in her head but she also feels really bad for making you cry oops

DURING THE RELATIONSHIP

okay so korra happens to be very much a simp

and you happen to be very much the mom friend™ it doesn’t matter if you are a boy girl or none of the above, that is your trademark my friend

she’s very affectionate and now that the two of you are dating she is at a whole new level.

important meeting? you are in her lap she does not care. war meeting? she is cuddling you as you explain the plans of attack and DAMN DO YOU LOOK GOOD DOING it

since being the avatar is MUCH more a political position now though, she does try to keep your relationship slightly on the down low, even before you were dating, you both had reporters constantly asking about your relationship and she doesn’t really like that

they are nosy and she does not approve. korra understands wanting to know about her avatar duties, but anything outside of that in regards to her personal life annoys her

loves kissing you, and when she does it tends to be intense and passionate. after a particularly tough day though, her kisses can either be slow and sensual because she just wants to have a nice soft and domestic day with you

OR

they can be harsh and almost brutish, she will get rough with you because she is highkey pissed at everything that day and making out you with is her stress reliever

really likes cuddling and anything domestic in general. she’s really happy with you, and she kinda has all the love languages

she seeks validation when the press is particularly harsh since being the avatar is HARD and as much as she wants to, she cannot please anyone, so please tell her she is doing amazing

so many acts of service up in here, she will randomly do stuff for you, spontaneity is kinda her vibe ya know

very vocal and expressive about her feelings, communication is key with her

arguments aren’t a rarity tbh, but when they do happen they tend to be more of debates over little things like what’s better, pineapple pizza or no?

major fights tend to end poorly since she can be a little stubborn when it comes to such things, but she will admit she was wrong and apologize IF she was wrong

if she wasn’t wrong but the argument got out of hand, she’ll apologize for that but will affirm her correctness

kiss her scars, she has them, and she is proud of them but 

support her at her pro bending matches and she will DIE, so happy, literally sososososososo happy, hugs you, loves you, yes

treats you as an equal no matter what, even if people think that as the avatar she should see herself as something more than

very protective of you.

like if someone flirts with you, she is clingy x10. if someone hits on you despite your protests, she HITS them. if someone threatens to hurt you, she promises to end them. 

MARRIAGE N STUFF

WELP

she’s gonna realize she wants to propose when she almost loses you, or in the middle of a battle. when the reality of potentially losing you hits her she is gonna realize she wants to live out the rest of her life by your side, protecting you

situation one is where she literally, in the MIDDLE OF BATTLE, without a ring, just proposes. you are being a baddie, bending if you are a bender, fighting the opposing enemy, looking MIGHTY FINE while doing it

“marry me.”

you falter, nearly getting hit as your head whips over to her and you’re like, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?”

and she throws a giant rock at the opposition, temporarily indisposing them, “yes?? why wouldn’t i be.”

Someone comes up behind you and you elbow them in the face and ram your foot into their knee, knocking them down, “RIGHT NOW?” 

she throws a whip of water in your direction and you dodge it, allowing her to take out the enemy behind you, and you throw a whole dagger at her to do the same. “that was close.” she narrows her eyes at you bc you lowkey look like you wanna kill her rn as you two hide behind a barricade for cover and an explosion washes over it, “you could’ve killed me.”

“you just about gave me a heart attack when you PROPOSED two minutes ago, need i remind you.”

korra raised a brow at you, “is that a no...?”

“do you even have a ring?”

korra gives you a look that gives you the answer and you groan, “i cannot believe you.”

“you really should’ve expected this.”

“i know.”

“i get to pick the ring then?”

“you’re probably going to plan the whole wedding.”

“alright.”

theres a boom from beyond the barricade you two have hidden behind as korra looks to you, “alright?”

“i’ll marry you.” you elaborate, giving her a bright smile.

situation two is more depressing lol

you have been SHOT oops, don’t die pls because korra CANNOT handle it after everything that has happened to her, so if you die she’s done

she’s kinda just sitting at your bed side and it hits her that you could die basically any day now, and she would have so many regrets

she wished she kissed you more, told you she loved you more, held you longer, spent more mornings with you and your bedhead, she wished she learnt to cook so that she could surprise you with a meal when you get home from a long day of work, she wishes she did a lot of things

she wishes you two were married.

korra is now having an existential crisis, and everyone is telling her that she has to go home, get some rest, you’ll wake up eventually, you’ll get better, but you don’t wanna wake up to korra being a mess

she knew they were right, you always scolded her for not taking care of herself, so she decided to follow some of their wishes

Korra cannot bring herself to go home, there are so many reminders of you that it hurts, and she kinda just decides she’ll stay in a hotel and wash up and such.

besides, you are her home.

after leaving the hotel, she ends up going the jeweler and buying the ring she believes screams you

when korra returns to the hospital, she contemplated proposing right then and there, before realizing that you’d probably yell at her for choosing such a ridiculous time and you already had a lot on your plate

once the two of you return home and you are in the midst of recovery, she did learn to cook, so you wouldn’t feel the need to do so, and given your situation she fears you’ll injure yourself further in the process.

you two are eating dinner and you’re babbling on about something you’d read, and she suddenly decides to get up and walk over to you, leaving you like ???

then she gets down on one knee and you are like :O

she’s like, “marry me.”

naturally, you start crying and nodding because wow this is such an intimate moment and just happiness

kissinggggg after that 

the wedding is, under NO CIRCUMSTANCE public, the most private and intimate wedding ever. korra hates reporters after her life as the avatar, she doesnt want strangers at her wedding.

any and everyone she has ever fought beside is there though, its wholesome and nice

definitely cries when she sees you at the altar

her vows are MASTERFUL AND TEARJERKING 

its a pretty basic wedding though, unless you prefer something over the top, the food is nice a mix of both your cultures and favorite things and there’s beautiful lighting

definitely done on air temple island, and tbh tenzin would probably walk you down the aisle because i said so

married life with her is even better, she lives for he domesticity of it all, especially lazy sunday mornings with the light filtering in and you just looking all pretty and having a lil fun

iykyk

honeymoon in the spirit word lads

bolin is your number one supporter

life with korra is a 10/10 i do recommend it

A/N: im kinda in love with korra lol this requests made me happy

#korra x reader #korra x you #korra x y/n #x reader #legend of korra #legend of korra x reader #legend of korra x you #lok #lok x reader #lok x you #korra #korra headcannons #korra x reader headcannon

[farshores]

What mods do you have running for your games?

I'm just gonna share the ones i have in mind for Tei's games bcus I use Vortex's profile feature to make multiple modded playthroughs & that'll just go on forever sharing those lists lol

Note this is an SSE modlist (that gets a lil long) & doesn't represent the load order these mods are in. There's are 4 specific lists for mods I added for: followers, fun/flavor, for general bug fixes/QOL improvements, & the respective patches

also note that im kinda tired atm & also just lack braincells so if there's something wildly misspelled lmk so i can fix it asap lol

Alrighty here we goooooo

FOLLOWERS + FRAMEWORK

Extensible Follower Framework

Interesting NPCS

Lucifer - Argonian Custom Voiced Follower

Khash The Argonian (A Fully Custom Voiced Follower)

Scouts-Many-Marshes Improved

Inigo

Nebarra

Miraak - Dragonborn Follower SE

Kaidan 2

Lucien - Immersive Fully Voiced Male Follower

Auri - Song of the Green

Gladys the Corgi

FUN/FLAVOR/VANILLA+/WHATEVER CAUGHT MY EYE LIKE THE EASILY AMUSED FOOL I AM

SkyHUD

A Matter of Time

Fuz Ro D'oh

More Informative Console

Alternate Start Live Another Life

New Beginnings - Live Another Life Extension SSE

Simple Follower Sandbox

Pronouns

Classic Classes and Birthsigns (Reimagined) _ Racial Levelling addon

Experience

Optional Starting Spells

SUNS - Season Unending Neutral Stance

Campfire

Simply Rest Anywhere

Immersive Movement

True Storms Special Edition

Supreme Rainstorms SE

Supreme Blizzards SE

Wet and Cold

iNeed [Will be replacing with Last Seed - Primary Needs]

Touring Carriages

Simply No Fast Travel

Weighted - A Compatible Item Weight Mod

Civil War Aftermath SE

Civil War Neutrality SSE

Diverse Skyrim SSE

Hearthfire Multiple Adoptions and Custom Home Support SE

Forgotten Magic Redone

Mysticism Spells for NPCS (high level + spells for spellcasters files)

Mysticism - A Magic Overhaul

Adamant - A Perk Overhaul

Arena - An Encounter Zone Overhaul + Harder Easy Spawns optional file

Apothecary - An Alchemy Overhaul + Food and Drink Addon

Apothecary - Instant Restore Potions (separate mod someone made to undo the recovery time change Apothecary added to potions)

Pantheon - Worship and Prayer

Pilgrim - A Religion Overhaul (NOTE: THE HIRCINE SHRINES WILL NOT WORK IF YOU HAVE HUNTERBORN ENABLED! IF YOU WANT HIRCINES BLESSING - GET IT FIRST THEN ADD ON HUNTERBORN)

Blade and Blunt - A Combat Overhaul

Incremental Injuries

Strike Obstruction Systems - Combat Blocking Overhaul

Leviathan Animations...All of em

Manbeast - A Werewolf Overhaul

Canis Hysteria

Diverse Werewolves Collection

Diverse Werewolves Collection - Player Replacer

Werewolf Feral Beast Run - Faster Werewolves

Simple Werewolf Favorite Howls Menu

Unlimited Werewolf Transformations

Werewolf Loot and Activate

Bigger Tails for Werewolves

Hypertrichosis - Alpha Extra Gore Edition-

Hircine Restoration Project

Mundus - A Standing Stone Overhaul

Aetherius - A Race Overhaul

Dragonborn - Shouts Perk Tree + portable optional file

Dragon War - A Dragon Overhaul + Variants Optional File

Forceful Tongue - Shouts Overhaul

Sil Gahrot - Improved Shout Learning

Dragon Combat Overhaul UPGRADED BABY YEAH

Aurbic Alduin

Talkative Dragons

Enigma Series -AIO-

Play as a Dragon

Sets of Skill - A Skyrim Class Mod

You Are Not a Novice - High Level Start (To be soon added)!

TK Dodge SE

TK Hitstop SE

Ultimate Combat SE

True Directional Movement

True Directional Movement - Tail Behavior Fix

Better Jumping SE

d13 Faster Get Up Stand Up SSE

Immersive Armors SSE

Immersive Weapons

Practical Female Armors SE

Redguard Noble Armor

Signature Equipment

Bandolier Bags and Pouches Classic SE

Guard Dialogue Overhaul SE

Immersive Patrols SE

Immersive Citizens - AI Overhaul

Immersive College of Winterhold

Better ICW Map

Convenient Horses

RaceMenu

Racial Body Morphs

Bodyslide and Outfite Studio

CBBE

CBBE Rugged Preset

Pride of Valhalla CBBE

HIMBO (quick note: you don't need the NSFW mods in the requirements list! If you're messing around w/ mods of that nature it's required but if not, it's safe to just up n download the file - just use the underwear options when batch building)

Vanilla Warpaints Absolution

Authentic Eyes

BeastHHBB + Immersive Encounters file + Kharjo alt file

Beast Race Bodypaints SE

Forgotten Argonian Roots (FAR)

Horns Are Forever SE

Argonian Improvement Horns SSE

Digitigrade Beast Races for Skyrim SE

Better Claws and Gauntlets SSE

BAT - Bigger Argonian Tails

Tail Armors

Interesting Beasts and Beards to Find Them

Dominions More Argonians

Adoptable Argonian Hatchling Chases Starlight SSE

My Little Hatchling Ram-Ku

Cyb's Interesting Natural People NPCs SE -3DNPC-

Real Bosses

EVE - Arvak Burning Hooves Restored

EVE - Footstep Sounds Restored

EVE - Giant Campfires Cast Shadows (Standard Vers)

EVE - Tavern Ambiance Sounds Restored

EVE - Ice Skating Fixed

TESL- Loading Screens

Less Boring Loading Screens

Loading Screen Smoke Removed

Immersive World Encounters SE

SkyTEST

SkyTEST Bellyaches HD collection

SkyTEST - Better Sheep SE

SkyTEST - Mihail's chicks replacer

SkyTest- Mihail's goose replacer

Hunterborn

Seagulls of Skyrim

Serana Dialogue Edit

Vampiric Serana

The Choice is Yours

Timing is Everything SE

At Your Own Pace (Misc & Main files)

Thieves Guild Requirements SE

Barenziah Quest Markers SSE

Autumnwatch Addition

Pandorable's Kaidan SE

Mannequin Stay Put

Simple Forsworn

Simple Outfit Manager (Might need to toss this one, I think EFF handles outfits as well)

Run For Your Lives

Sarcastic Player Dialogue

Let Me Drop It

More Tavern Idles - compatibility version

Honed Metal SSE Updated

Honed Metal Revoiced

Honed Metal - Additional Materials

Death is Highly Overrated 2021

Save the Dark Brotherhood

Your Choices Matter - Dark Brotherhood Expansion SSE

Shut Up Night Mother

Skald's Mail

Missives

Headhunter - Bounties Redone

Store Entrance Doorbells

Paarthurnax Quest Expansion

The Library of Paarthurnax

Immersive Good Boy

Smart No More Stupid Dog

PC Head Tracking

Alternate Conversation Camera

Realistic Ragdolls and Force SE

Redguard Children Skintone Fix

Skyland 8K Night Skies

Wearable Lanterns

Wearable Lanterns MCM Fix

Xbox Control Scheme (Full file version)

IN GENERAL BUG FIXES/QOL IMPROVEMENTS/MAIN REQS FOR A GOOD CHUNK OF THESE MODS

SKSE 64

Unofficial Skyrim Special Edition Patch

SkyUI SE

SkyUI - Flashing Savegames Fix

Cutting Room Floor

Enhanced Lights and FX

UIExtensions

Static Mesh Improvement Mod

Underwater Visibility Fix

Engine Fixes

NetScriptFramework Skyrim SE

Papyrus Extender SSE

PapyrusUtil SE

Address Library for SKSE Plugins

Face Discoloration Fix SE

Jaxonz MCM Kicker SE

MCM Helper SE

Monster race crash fix

Spell Perk Item Distributor - SSE (SPID)

PATCHES...SO MANY PATCHES

Save the Dark Brotherhood Patch (available under the Your Choices Matter file tab)

Unoffical Enhanced Lights and FX ELFX SMIM fps patch for SE (own mod under same name)

Alternate Start ELFX Hardcore Patch (own mod under the same name)

Apothecary USSEP Patch (Available under Apothecary's files)

Apothecary SktTEST patch (currently unavailable)

Apothecary Hunterborn & Campfire Patch (Both available thru "Apothecary Food and Drink patches")

BEASTHHBB - Immersive College of Winterhold Patch (Available in BeastHHBBs file tab, might need to do a bit of scrolling)

Dragonborn - Adamant Patch (Available in Dragonborn - Shouts Perk Tree's optional files tab iirc)

Talkative Dragons Enigma patch (under files for "Enigma Series Compatibility Patches (Official)")

Forceful Tongue - SimonRim Patch (Under "Forceful Tongue"s file tab)

iNeed Universal Water Patch (own mod under the same name)

True Storms - Supreme Rainstorms Patch (Under Supreme Rainstorms SE files tab)

Interesting NPCs Cutting Room Floor, EFF, Alt Start patches (all available under the Interesting NPCs file tab)

Inigo Marriage Commentary Patch for Kaidan 2 (own mod under same name)

Missives -Solstheim Patch (under Missives Worldspace Additions)

Khash the Argonian Patches (under Khash's file tab)

kryptopyr's patch hub installer (its own mod under the same name, has a lil fomod to help pick out your patches)

lilebonymace patches (same as above)

#skyrim mods #skyrim mod list #skyrim modlist #im PRETTY sure thats everything but idk i might have skipped a mod or two #but still a hefty collection of 157 active plugins and 71 light ones lol #might dump missives too tho it was fun at first but apparently its script goes to shit p early on and the board becomes unusable #anonymous

[venuscommissions]

heyooo  guys  !    so ,   last four months were literal hell for most people worldwide,  me  &  my  family  included !    shit  sucked  balls ,  but  thankfully  i’m  proud to  announce  that  we’re  slowly  but  surely  getting  back on our feet .  a  lot  of  you  were  genuinely  concerned ,  &  i  received  a  ton  of  asks  inquiring  about  my  well-being &  sending  words of  encouragement /  hope  /  well wishes my  way ...   which  even  though  i  wasn’t  in  the  right  frame  of  mind  to  answer back then,  they  still warmed  my  heart  &  gave   me  some  much  needed  strength.   since ,  many  asks  are  asking  similar things,  i  thought  it  best  to  make  one  faq  sorta  post  rather than  answering  each  individually  and  clogging  people’s  dashboards.  

so,  basically  a  lotta  third  world   bullshit  happened,  food  stuff,  medical  stuff,  etc.  as  my  government  implemented a  very  strict  ( read :  brutal )  lockdown  that  lasted  more  than  three months.  i  don’t  want  to  get  into,  because  many  people  have had  troubling  times recently  &  i’d  rather  not  make anyone upset /  sad  or  even  trigger  them  in  any way.  Know  this  though, after  few  months  of  me  trying  to  just  survive  &  not  fucking  starve,   one  of  the  main  reasons  of my not being active or doing anything  was  my  laptop  constantly  breaking  down,   the  issue  with  it  being  very  simple, my  ram slot had  some  carbon  gunk  on  it, but  alas.  the  first  time  it  crashed in the beginning  of  may,  the call center got me doing some tests on the phone via keyboard keys ( because laptop wasn’t opening. )  &  they  diagnosed that  the  issue  was  that my  ram  needed to be replaced.  & since  i wasn’t an essential worker ( i.e government or hospital  worker ) they weren’t allowed to give me priority service or machine parts.  it took them a month for them to ship the ram to my cities service center & to get a guy to my house to put it in. &  when he did, the guy was either  so  overworked or stupid enough that he didn’t notice that there was some carbon gunk inside the ram slot & not just on the old ram chip. my laptop worked fine for some days, but crashed again. this time around, they once again put me on a waiting list, &  it took the guy almost three weeks to come back around.  this time though he finally fixed it, &  i was able to start working again.  so ,  yeah,  i’m  ok  now  guys,  mostly lol ...  but  it  really meant  a lot  to  me that  you  guys  cared  enough  to  ask !

no,  i’m  not  opening  commissions  right  away,  hopefully  by  the  end  of  this  month  though.   if  you  do  wanna  commission  me  though,  &  wanna  be  the  first  ones  I  inform  when  i  do  open,   SEND  ME  A  MESSAGE  ON  THIS  TEMPORARY  SIDEBLOG :  @vc-neworders .    please  mention  what  you  are  planning  to  order  &  for  which  character,  etc. 

yes,  even  though  my  laptop  was  fixed  at  the  end of  june,  &  i’ve  been  working  nonstop,  i’ve  only  been  able  to  finish  half  of  my  pending  orders.  this  is  partly  due  to  me  having  1500+  ims  about  stuff like  psd recommendation &  other  general  questions  that  people ask  commissioners  in  my  i.m. chat  box  that  have  accumulated  during  my  four  month  absence &  i’m  having  trouble  finding pending orders as  i  have to deal with each chat  one at a time & the shitty little chat box refreshes after every  message i send. & also partly because this weeks  of  monday  was  a  deadline  for  a  ton  of  term  end assignments  &  essays  that  i was supposed  to have done over the summer but couldn’t because  no  laptop.  IF YOU  HAVE  A  PENDING  ORDER  THOUGH,  PLEASE  SEND  ME  A  NEW  MESSAGE.  this  will help me find our  chat  &  subsequently  your  order  &  finish  it.  you  will also  be  gifted  various  freebies  from  my  side  as  an   apology for  the  huge  delay &  for  being  so  patient  &  understanding during  these  shitty  times.  

firstly,  let  me  say  how  touched  i  was  that  so  many  people  wanted  to  know  if  their  was  anyway  they  could  help  me,  it  made  me  all  melty  inside omg.   and  since  i  still won’t  be  able  to  open  commissions  for  a  bit,  it  is  a  very  good  question  lol....   so,  here’s  how  you  can  help  support  me  till  i’m  able   to  open  commissions  :  

BUY  PSDs ,  ETC.  FROM  MY  DEVIANTART  SHOP !    all  the  stuff  available  can  also  be  bought  via  PAYPAL ,  just  DM  me .     

ALSO ,  THESE  SALE  DISCOUNTS  ARE  STILL AVAILABLE  UNTIL  I  SAY  OTHERWISE !

BECOME  A PATREON !   this  month  i’m  offering  two  exclusive  psds  for  the  price  of  one,  to  celebrate  me  surviving  the  world  almost  ending.                THIS  MONTHS  PSD  PREVIEWS !  

BUY  ME  A  KO-FI !

ONCE  AGAIN ,   thank  you  so  much  for  bearing  with  me,  being  patient  with  me  &  for just  sending  me  some  love  when  i  needed  it  the  most !

#I LOVE U GUYS

[infinite-rabbits]

Emergency: Please help

So this happened yesterday. I made a few posts of it here and was messing around on tumblr to distract myself from all of the stress, but now the seriousness of the situation is really hitting us.

My roommate and I are both out of work due to Corvid-19. We’re not sure if we’re getting paid for our time away and there isn’t much communication from our jobs. Yesterday we got hit hard enough from someone who was gunning it out of a parking lot that they totaled the car. I know this doesn’t look like a lot of damage, but apparently the frame is completely messed up and the insurance company is going to take the car and possibly give us enough to replace it??

The worst part about this is that we had barely enough money to last over the next two months being out of work. We had rent covered, food, and bills once we pooled our money together.

But now we have to loose a huge chunk of that money because he has to pay the deductible on the insurance.

So I’m going to do what I really wished I would never have to do. I have to ask for your help. Please, if you can donate anything at all, doesn’t matter how big or little it is, you can send it to me through my Ko-Fi: HERE Or you can IM me and I can give you the address my paypal is linked to. If you can’t donate, please please please just reblog this. The more people see it, the better.

Thank you for any help you can give, little or small, it means the world to us.

Full Story of what happened under the cut:

So uh... we ran out of bread last night and we're close to being out of PB&J. This morning we decided to go out and get some more because, well, it's hard to get ahold of because everyone's panicking and it's one of the main things in our diet right now. The roomie and I headed for Walmart, and while we were on a 2-lane road in the left lane, some douchenozzle shoves his way through the heavy traffic out of a parking-lot and rams us on my side. We weren't even going that fast. We were actually coming up to a stop-light, so my roomie was slowing down. He hit us hard enough to make us spin-out and do a full 180degree turn. The back passenger door was absolutely wrecked and I was lucky he didn't hit MY door, but because he hit my side, I'm really starting to hurt now. The back driver wheel hit the median while we spun and it actually hit so hard that it knocked the wheel itself off of the rim and scraped the metal. Somehow we didn't hit another car and we wound up in the right-hand lane completely turned around and facing the wrong direction. I was SO pissed that I got out of the car and screamed at the guy. Both of us were shaking and I was choking because when he hit us, some white stuff flew  into the car and I breathed it in. Still kinda choking on it. (Found out later it was probably the stirofoam that was under his bumper.) I manage to kinda stop traffic enough for us to get the car out of the lane and into the parking lot beside us, after which we realized that we couldn't drive any further because of the wheel being messed up. He stayed in the median and called for someone while we called the cops and the insurance company. Then I noticed there was a damn kid in his car. She was like, 2-3 years old and didn't look like she'd been strapped in because she was just climbing from the back to the front seat to see what was going on. He sped through fucking traffic and t-boned us with a kid in the back seat. This whole time, he's over there refusing to come and talk to us until someone else shows up. Turns out, he needs a translator. That's fine. In our area we get a lot of tourists so I just assumed he wasn't from around here. I would have assumed his car was a rental if it hadn't been for the brand new paper license plate. They get their car into the parking lot too and his bumper is all but falling off. A lady shows up to take care of the kid, which seems fine. But then another guy shows up. Then another guy. And Grandma shows up too. For some reason the whole family shows up and are hanging around while we wait for the cop. Normally I wouldn't care, but being surrounded by this many people while I'm already anxious was a bit much for me and made me uncomfortable. I'd already called a friend and cried over the phone with her and being surrounded made me feel stressed. Finally the cop shows up, gets our stories and our information, then goes into his car for basically an hour to have to fill everything out and get it all in order. Luckily we just get given a sheet of paper with all of the information we need on it. Then he glances at them and says to us, "They're gonna be pissed." He wound up getting a ticket among who knows what else because of his reckless driving. The cop leaves and they're visibly angry. Then one of the guys who showed up approaches us. Something about him immediately rubbed me the wrong way, like I got a bad vibe from him. He asks us if we're alright, and I tell him no because our car's wrecked and I'm starting to hurt. Then he tries to get us to lie. Like the dude straight up look sat my roommate and says, "If they ask what happened, tell them--" I have NEVER cut someone off so fast before. I told him: " NO. If they ask, we are going to tell them EXACTLY what happened." And this douche has the NERVE to say: "Well next time you really shouldn't be going so fast. Then you can stop when something like this happens." Like, he's legit trying to turn this around to be my roomie's fault. Keep in mind: we were coming up to a stop light. We were actively slowing down. The speed limit in there is 45. My roomie couldn't have possibly been going more than 35 at the absolute most, and even that's pushing it. I just GLARE at this guy and say: "NO. Even the COP said WE HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. HE hit US. You need to walk away." I'm... I'm tiny. I'm not even fully 5'6" and I'm sitting here in my stupid Jurassic Park tank top and hole-filled shorts just glaring daggers at this guy. Don't you dare come at me with your stupid scorpion gold chain necklace thinking you're all big and bad and thinking you're going to intimidate me when you're outright coming after my roommate. I'm a wuss when someone comes after ME and I'm by myself, but you put me in a room with people I care about and have someone go after them? All bets are off. Thankfully he just got pissed off and turned away. The whole family climbed into the back of their other van except for like two who went into the translator's car, and they all drove off. For like an hour. We were left sitting there trying to contact the insurance company again, making sure they got all of the files they needed, making sure they got their statements, and figuring out if it was getting towed tonight or not. Then the translator and one of the other guys show up and start messing with their van. First they back it up...and the bumper nearly completely falls off. Then they sit there for a few minutes and try to get it on. The guy driving it goes very slowly out of the parking lot, leaving his entire front in the right-hand lane for some reason while he's waiting to go and then finally does. The other guy on the other hand almost causes another accident. So he's behind a truck that's also waiting to turn out. When the truck goes to pull out, this dumbass SLAMS down on his gas, nearly rear-ends the truck, slams on his breaks, and then once the truck is out of the way, he zooms out of the parking lot without properly looking to make sure no one else is coming. I really don't understand it. But from the looks of things, they probably aren't going to be calling their own insurance company. The car wasn't even registered under the guy that rammed us. It was someone else's name of the same address. So he just wrecked someone else's newly bought car. All of it sucks, my roommate's car is totaled and we are gonna see if we're getting any money for it tomorrow, and I'm in pain so the insurance company is gonna have to send me a doctor over all of this. We're out $500 for the deductible and I'm.... honestly really frustrated. All of this because of Bread, Peanutbutter, and Jelly. Thankfully a friend of ours came to pick us up and also brought us those three things, but now the adrenaline is starting to wear off and I'm getting *really* tired. I'm going to get myself some coffee and try my best to focus on the one-shot I started before the crash just to keep myself awake for now. For the most part I was typing all of this here because it's a safe place to store the information in case I forget anything. But also I kinda wanted to let you guys know why I hadn't posted anything yet. I was saying I wanted to do one short-story a day and I fell behind yesterday because I was doing character-designs for one of the other stories. So I feel guilty falling behind today too. Even if I do have a good reason for it. Stay safe out there, everyone. It's getting really crazy.

#psa #emergency #money emergency #car accident #please help

[maandags]

the watchmaker (Finn Shelby x reader) {part two}

aaaaand here’s the second part yeehaw

– – –

Summary: After your uncle died, you decided to rid yourself of your troubling past and move to Small Heath, into the flat and workshop he left you. Soon after, though, Tommy and Finn Shelby crash into your life and bring back unwanted memories.

Genre: angst, fluff (at the end. gotta go thru some pain first im afraid)

Word count: 7.9K

Notes: CW: death mention - asphyxiation - panic attacks (?) - {part one} - masterlist - bitch i wrote 17k in like a week and , if i could write like this all the time ……………….. @ the writing gods : please,

– – –

That night, you stayed in your flat, pacing the floor and hesitating, not knowing whether to go or to stay. It was already late. You didn’t know if it was still worth it to go, yet your conversation with Tommy from earlier that day had left you confused and with more questions left unanswered than before. You bit your nail, approached the window that looked out onto the filthy street.

You wrung your hands. Undecided. Undecided.

The coat on its hanger was calling your name. In the distance you thought you could hear singing, and laughing; the sounds of jovial carelessness and mirth. Hesitating, hesitating. Then you frowned at your own reflection in the cold glass. Who were you to deny yourself a bit of fun? When was the last time you’d been truly carefree? As much as you tried to convince yourself of the opposite, there were no reasons why you shouldn’t go.

But… But what? you asked the irritating little voice inside your head; but what, exactly?

And so you went.

You’d never seen the Garrison in its full glory. It was pretty, you had to admit, though you knew you would probably have preferred it during the daytime. The rooms were filled to the brim, men shouting and hollering and singing drunkenly, waving around pints of beer and crystal glasses in which sloshed amber-brown whisky. The barman was having a time of himself trying to keep up with all the orders, hands moving so fast you got dizzy just from looking at them.

A short and stocky man approached you, and you immediately noticed the sheen cast over his eyes like a film of intoxication. He brought his face close to yours and you recoiled as he frowned and tried for eye contact.

“What’s a young'un like you doin’ here all by yeself, eh?” he slurred, stumbling when a man almost twice his size clipped his shoulder. He barely seemed to notice, though, all of his attention fixated on you. “Where’s your mates?”

“Um,” you stammered, scanning the crowd over his shoulder in search for a familiar face–Tommy, Finn, fucking Polly Gray for all you cared–and growing slightly panicked when you could find none of them. “I'm–I’m looking for someone.”

“Fuck ‘em,” the man drawled, draping an arm over your shoulder and effectively pressing his body flush to yours, “come with me. Let’s have some fun, you and I, yeah?” You had to make an effort not to gag.

Someone bumped into you from behind, and you were pushed into the man’s chest. His smell overwhelmed you, pressing into your nose and your mouth and your eyes until your brain spun and dark spots started to appear in front of your eyes. You felt your knees weaken, and you were sure that they would buckle at any given moment.

Then a hand closed around your upper arm and yanked you from the drunkard’s grasp. You expected a shouting match to follow–the drunkard had seemed rather insistent on your company–but all that came from him was a whimper and a mumbled apology. You blinked the dark spots from your vision, heavily leaning on the unknown figure–though you had a suspicion regarding their identity–as they lead you through the crowd. Steadily you regained your footing and your sight, and you stole a glance at the person whose hand still tightly held onto your wrist.

“Hi,” you said, a smile creeping up your lips despite yourself.

Finn glanced down, eyebrows furrowed in a concerned frown. “You okay?”

You nodded. Finn didn’t seem satisfied, but led you to a barstool. He gestured for you to sit down, then told the poor fellow on the stool beside yours, “Fuck off,” and hopped onto his freshly acquired seat.

You shook your head at him, but the smile you tried so hard to push down was still there.

“You look pale,” Finn shouted over the noise.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Finn. I’m fine.” You were a little dizzy still, but you didn’t want to get drunk. Your thirst for alcohol had dissipated with your desire to have a fun night, and you felt sour and tired and only wanted to go home.

Finn didn’t look convinced. He waved the bartender over, and a moment later slid you a glass of water. You narrowed your eyes at him. He shrugged.

“Job’s done, eh?” he stirred his own glass.

You nodded, glaring at your water, fingering the rim of the glass listlessly. “Done. All of it.” You took a sip, just to wash down the dryness in your mouth. “Fucking hell.”

He just watched you, and you looked at him, and then you said, “Do you want to go outside? I hate it in here.” You did. You hated the stuffiness of the place, hated the smell of bodies pressed together, the stench of booze hanging in the air and laying a haze of drunkenness over the very air. You hated it.

After a moment of curious consideration, Finn said, “All right,” and cleared a path for you to get out of the busy pub.

The outside air pricked your cheeks and you drew a few grateful breaths, welcoming the sweet coolness in your lungs. You almost coughed, just to rid yourself of the sticky, syrupy air from inside the pub. You started to walk, no destination in mind, but you knew you had to move and get some feeling back inside your limbs.

“Hey, hey, hang on,” said Finn from behind you, and he jogged a couple of steps to catch up with you. “What’s going on?”

“I’m going home,” you said, though you didn’t plan on going straight home. You’d take a detour, maybe stop by your workshop and take a few pieces home; gears or pistons or anything familiar to keep your hands busy and the nerves at bay.

“But why? You walked in and walked straight back out!”

“Yeah. All this stupid trip did was remind me why I don’t go out in the first place.”

“And why’s that?”

You shoved your hands in your pockets and kept up the pace, forcing Finn to jog a step every once in a while to keep up. “Too many people. Too much drunkenness. Too much chaos. Too much… just too much.”

You rounded a corner into an alley that you knew would take you to your shop faster than the main road. It was a tricky passage to take: it was dark and muddy and a popular spot for the most unpleasant of peoples to gather; but it was faster, and by your side was Finn, so you didn’t feel as nervous as you usually would.

He was trying to understand. You could tell. He was doing his damn best to understand why this affected you so much, why the fullness of the pub meant nothing good to you. You didn’t expect him to entirely get it. He grew up with this; he grew up with the sound of gunshots ringing around his ears, the thump of adrenaline that followed it, the nights of drinking and partying and going wild.

It was different for you. It always had been different.

The village you grew up in was quiet, and the most exciting moments of your early childhood were little walks in the forest with your father, and he would point out to you the birds and the squirrels and the mushrooms and sometimes, if you were very lucky, you’d spot a deer or two in a clearing somewhere; or when there was a big market in London, and he’d hoist you up on his shoulders and let you explore all the colours and sounds and smells unfamiliar on your own, from your perch where you towered above everyone else, and exhilaration would fill you like it was injected in the very air you breathed.

And then your father was sent to France, and never came back. Arrangements were made for you to live with your uncle Henry, who lived a few towns over, and he took you in and cared for you like you were his own.

Of course, when you got a little older, there was excitement enough in the building of bombs. But the town Henry lived in was only a little bigger than your home village, and though it took a while getting properly adjusted, it had finally started to feel like home.

Birmingham was different. It was dark and huge and unforgiving and things happened in its shadows that you would rather stay as far away from as possible. Nevertheless, it was where you’d set up shop. It was where Henry had bought the damn shop, and you still didn’t really know why. Uncle Henry had been an eccentric man, but he hadn’t been stupid. You believed that if he owned a flat and a shop in Small Heath it had to be for a good reason.

Speaking of good reasons…

“One more thing,” you started, rather loudly, and Finn almost jumped at your side, “that you better have an explanation for, is this.” You rammed the key inside the lock and yanked open the door to your shop, not stopping to hold the door open for Finn but instead letting him catch it on his own.

You snatched up your toolbelt and started collecting stuff to take home. “I talked to Tommy this afternoon.” Pause. You looked around, found the copper wire you’d been looking for, stuffed it in a pouch on your belt. “And he said that he never told you to babysit me at all. That he had no idea that you even were at my shop all day.”

Finn froze, and you watched with a sort of grim satisfaction as he seemed to lose some of the carefully constructed composure he always seemed to wear around you. He had begun to look almost a part of the shop when you were still doing Tommy’s job, but now he looked as out of place as he had been the first time he’d set foot in it.

“Strange, eh?” You continued. You didn’t know why you were so sour about it all of a sudden. Maybe you felt taken advantage of. Maybe Finn had pretended to enjoy your company all along, maybe he was doing it for his own intentions. It was just the sting of knowing he’d lied to you that made the words taste bitter as you forced them from your tongue. “There’s nothing for you to gain here. Why would you come at all?”

“Small Heath can be a dangerous place,” he muttered, but he wouldn’t meet your eyes and you scoffed.

“Not to you it fucking isn’t. You’re a Shelby, Finn, and I'm–not–fucking–stupid.” You slammed a drawer shut and knotted the belt around your hips before covering it with your coat again. “Actually, I’m surprised you didn’t tell Tommy; nothing happens in this shithole without him knowing about it, right?”

“Y/N–”

“Maybe you wanted to do something for yourself for once, eh? God knows all you can do is suck Tommy Shelby’s cock and hope for a reward.”

“Y/N, stop–”

“You know what? I think I liked you better when you were pretending.”

“Y/N!”

“What?”

“Listen to me!”

You stopped dead in your tracks. It was the first time he’d raised his voice at you, and through the haze of anger still burning in your chest you were a little offended. “What?” you spat again, shoulders drawn up to your ears and muscles tense.

Finn took a breath, closed his eyes. When he spoke again, it was in a voice that trembled, and threatened to spill over with emotion any moment. He was fighting hard to stay calm. “Your uncle–”

“What the fuck does my uncle have to do with this?”

“You’ll know if you let me fucking finish!” he said, irritated.

You crossed your arms in front of your chest and clamped your mouth shut, your chin lifted high and one hip jutting out to show you were absolutely not content with the situation whatsoever.

“Your uncle bought this place–and the flat–as a safehouse. Because he got in deep with the wrong people. He planned to come here once you were old enough to fend for yourself. He paid the Blinders for protection beforehand, but never made it here.”

With every word he spoke, your eyebrows crawled closer to your hairline. The information was entirely new to you, and you were having a difficult time processing all of it.

“He was murdered, Y/N.”

That hit you like a hammer to the chest and your heartbeat started racing. “No,” was all you managed.

“I’m sorry–”

“No,” you repeated, more forcefully this time, “no. No, he died in his sleep. It was a peaceful death. They said so.” You sounded like a child. You knew you did. But your entire world was tearing at the seams, and the fact that Finn–whom you had known for just over a week–knew more about your uncle, your flesh and blood, than you did, didn’t sit right with you.

“Then why didn’t they ever show you the body, Y/N?” Finn’s voice was gentle, like how he would address a toddler having a tantrum, and that made it all the worse.

“Because I never fucking asked!” you said shrilly. “No. Don’t fucking come near me.” You stuck your hands out in reflex when he took a step towards you, and though he stopped moving, hurt flashed across his face.

“Y/N. You need to understand. The people who killed your uncle want you dead as well. It’s relatively safe for you here, but Tommy’s had men watching the shop and your flat since the day you showed up. How do you think we knew about the bombs?”

“But–but–” Your knees buckled and you only just managed to yank a chair towards you.

“I just wanted to make sure you were safe.” Finn ran a hand through his hair, and looked at you with eyes full of hurt. “Glad it’s appreciated.”

As he turned, you dropped your head in your hands and said, “Wait.” You didn’t hear the door open, so you took that as a good sign. “I'm–I’m sorry. For shouting at you.”

He sighed. “It’s alright.”

“No,” you said with a bitter laugh. “It’s not. Can you sit down?” He did, pulling up a chair beside you. You rubbed your temples, screwing your eyes shut against the bonking. “Talk. Tell me… tell me everything.”

And he did. He told you about the twin brothers whose parents Henry had helped kill by building the bomb necessary–or, well, that’s what he had led them to believe.

“In his last letter to us he explained how, while he had been the one to handle any kind of face-to-face business, you had built the actual bomb,” Finn said. “The Pinfield twins found out somehow and are now hunting you down.”

“But they never found me?”

“Oh, no, they did. But every men they sent here to do the job got caught in… an unfortunate accident.”

You scoffed. Why he would want to spare your feelings now was unfathomable to you. “You mean Thomas got them killed.”

Finn nodded. For the first time he looked uncomfortable, and you realised it had probably something to do with your remark from earlier. You winced internally; that had been a fucking glorious move on your part, hadn’t it?

“So now the Pinfields and their men are after me and probably won’t stop until I’m dead.” You breathed a long exhale, surprised at your still-dry eyes. The tears would probably come later, you figured. When all had settled in and the reality of the situation would crash into you with all the force of a fucking freight train.

“Pretty much.”

It was strange, how light you felt. You had just gotten told that a two murderous brothers were dead set on murdering you just like they’d murdered your uncle, and all you could focus on was the fact that you were still alive, weren’t you? So they probably weren’t that keen on your death.

Then you immediately scolded yourself and internally gave yourself a good shaking. Men were looking to murder you. You should be panicking, screaming, crying–at least be afraid–but you found that you weirdly… weren’t.

Sure, the nerves were there. But you had been on edge since you first moved to Small Heath. You had anticipated an attack every time you stepped out of your flat. So really all the news did to you was confirm that you had a reason to be on edge. That it wasn’t just ghosts or shadows you were seeing.

It was mostly the explanation, you thought. The fact that you knew now why everything had felt as weird as it had. Why Finn had been so insistent on staying with you day in day out while you did nothing but work at your desk. Why he had accompanied you to London for errands you had run a million times in the past. A weight had fallen off your shoulders: things were still looking pretty fucking bad for you, but at least you knew why.

So you said, “Okay,” and stood up, dusting off your coat with only-slightly trembling fingers.

When you started towards the door, Finn said, “Where are you going?”

“Home.” Something was starting to form at the back of your mind. The barest whisper of an idea, fuelled by the calm fury that was starting to bubble into existence and seep into your very bones. And honestly, you hadn’t even considered telling Finn about it. This was something you had to do on your own.

You were going home. But before that, you had a stop to make.

“I’ll walk you,” said Finn, and his voice was slightly apprehensive. Maybe he could see the unfiltered, absolute rage boiling behind your eyes.

“That won’t be necessary.”

“Y/N. I’m walking you home.”

“Before I took Tommy’s job I never had anyone walk me home, Finn. I held out just fine those five months, I won’t suddenly get jumped and murdered tonight.” You tried to keep your voice relatively light, but the remark still came out sharper than you intended.

Finn made a face and touched your wrist. No particular reason; no particular intention. A simple touch, yet the feeling of his fingers on your skin made goosebumps erupt all over your arm and you felt your shoulders stiffen. Then you told yourself to pull yourself the fuck together, Y/N. Blushing like a goddamn thirteen-year-old over a boy touching your wrist. Fucking pathetic.

“I’ll be fine,” you promised. And you knew you would be.

There was still a bit of hesitation in his eyes, but also a grim sort of resignation. “Alright.”

You left him standing in front of your shop after you locked it up, his hands shoved in his pockets, watching as you marched the now-familiar streets of Small Heath.

It was late, and frankly you didn’t expect Tommy Shelby to still be at his office. Yet he was, and Lizzie–the secretary from before–only barely raised a brow at your quick return. You paid her no mind even as she made a snide comment about your appearance, and when Tommy called you in you thanked her absent-mindedly.

“Close the door, Y/N,” he said as he rummaged around for two glasses and poured a finger of whiskey into each one.

You did, and accepted the glass he offered you, even though you didn’t often drink liquor as strong as whiskey.

“You’ve returned,” remarked Tommy as he sat down and lit a cigarette.

You gave a mocking, sarcastic bow. “I have returned.”

“May I ask why?”

“Yeah. Um…” You swirled the drink, wondering how best to start. “I found out about my uncle,” you finally settled on.

“Ah.” Tommy set down his glass, leaned forward in his chair. He didn’t look awkward, per se, but there was a certain stiffness to his movements that there hadn’t been before. “Then you know why we took such an interest in you.”

“Yes. And this time, it’s me that has a proposition.”

He listened as you explained your idea–in a voice clear but trembling with anger–and smoked up three cigarettes in the time it took you to lay out the full details. He never interrupted once, let you say everything you needed to say, and you were grateful for it. If anything, this whole endeavour was to make sure you were never treated like a child again.

When you finished, he sat back in his chair and tilted his head ever so slightly as he mulled over your words. You were silent, waited for his verdict, because your plan would never work if you didn’t have Tommy’s support.

“It will be dangerous,” he finally said, but the four words made you happier than was probably reasonable. Will. Not would. Will. Affirmative.

“I know,” you replied. “That’s the point.”

He smiled then, a smile equally warm and cunning, and it was then you knew that you had him. “You’ve got balls on you, Y/N. That’s good.” He stood up and started pacing his office, and the two of you began building upon the foundation of the plan that you’d lain out before him.

“I’ll tell John to accompany you to London for the supply run. How fast do you think you can get this done?”

“In ideal conditions? Three days.”

“What are ideal conditions?”

“Me being able to work with no distractions, no need to get up from my bench at any point in time for any reason whatsoever so I can stay focused.”

Tommy pointed at you with his whiskey glass. “Lizzie will come see you twice a day with food and drink. No distractions.”

Everything was coming together. You stayed in Tommy’s office until the late hours of the night, and even after you’d gone over everything you didn’t feel tired. Adrenaline coursed through your very being, the prospect of bringing the plan to fruition much too exciting for you to feel any other emotion whatsoever.

When you were finally satisfied, and Tommy walked to the door to open it for you, you thought of one more thing and stopped in your tracks. You hesitated on the threshold, nipping at your lower lip. “One last thing.”

“Yes?”

You didn’t look him in the eye. “Finn can’t know. Keep him busy, away from my shop or my flat. I know you have people watching the streets–make sure he can’t even get close.”

His brows raised slightly. “And why should I do that?”

You glared at him and folded your hands into your coat. “Because we agreed there’d be no distractions.”

You went to London with John–jovial, rude, but fun to be around–and got everything you needed. You said hi to Harry and Jim, who looked up when you entered their shop for the second time in a week, but walked past the tea shop. No time for anything but work these coming days.

John was nice to talk to. Didn’t take himself too seriously, didn’t take anyone else too seriously. Confident in his status as both a Peaky Blinder and a Shelby, never hesitant to make use of it when the situation called for it, or even when it didn’t but he just felt like it. He was nice to hang around–but he wasn’t Finn.

It was easier to concentrate on your work with no-one around, you’d admit that, but it was a lot more boring, too. You caught yourself grinning to yourself a few times when you thought of something funny and already opening your mouth to share it with Finn–before realising that he wasn’t there anymore and that you were talking to nothing but air.

Lizzie brought you lunch and dinner, and you went home every night around nine P.M, exhausted and sore from sitting in the same cramped position for hours on end. You had a quick shower and stretch, then you collapsed onto your bed only to wake up at half past five the next morning.

For three days you worked like that, only allowing yourself a half-hour break to eat and stretch before getting back to it. It wasn’t like what you were building was hard–you had done it before. Not quite as many in as little time, but that was the fun challenge aspect of it, wasn’t it? Tommy expected it to be done in three days, and done in three days it would be.

On the last evening, you had to work an hour later than usual to get it finished, and then another thirty minutes to clean and close up. All in all, it was almost eleven o'clock when you turned the key and prepared for the walk back to your flat, the cloth bag hanging off your shoulder full and heavy. You kept one hand on it as you walked, just for an extra sense of security.

Then someone called your name from behind you, and your heart almost jumped out of your ribcage from the shock.

“Finn! You fucker!” you hissed, pressing your free palm to your chest and trying to keep your racing heartbeat under control. “What–what are you doing here–”

He wasn’t supposed to be here. He wasn’t supposed to see you at all, and least of all before the job was even done. He must have found a way to slip past the men guarding your shop and flat. You felt yourself getting apprehensive again.

“I just–I haven’t seen you in days. I just wanted to say hi.”

“It’s eleven in the fucking evening, Finn. You should be home.”

“So should you!”

“I was on my way there!”

Then his eyes went to your bag, and his brows creased. “What’s that?”

“Nothing,” you snapped, turning away, but you knew instantly you made a mistake. Finn wasn’t stupid–incredibly stubborn and cocky, maybe, but not stupid–and you could see him put two and two together.

“You said it was done.” And his eyes were so disappointed that you almost burst into tears right then and there. “All of it, you said.”

You knew there was nothing you could deny anymore, so you went on the defensive, hoisting the strap of your bag back up and preparing yourself for yet another shouting match that you would feel absolutely terrible about afterwards. “That was before I found out my uncle was murdered by the very same shitheads who now want me dead too.”

“I get that. You want revenge. I really do get it–but you’re only going to get yourself hurt.”

You scoffed. “God, Finn–you saying that tells me you don’t get it at all.” You started walking again. “I don’t care if I get hurt. I just want them gone.” You drew a shaky breath. “Besides, it’s too late for that anyway. I’ll be gone from this place after this is over.”

Finn put a hand on your shoulder. “We can do it for you. You don’t have to leave. I can do it for you–you don’t need to do it yourself.”

“I do, though! That’s the problem! I do need to do it myself, because my entire life I’ve had other people do things for me and look where that ended me up. Dead father, dead uncle. Alone in this godforsaken shit-hole of a town where I can barely make a living until Tommy Shelby and his gang show up and ask for bombs.” You ducked inside an alleyway, didn’t even look if Finn followed you as you spoke–because you know he had.

“There’s nothing heavier on the conscience than another man’s death, Y/N,” said Finn, and you didn’t even try to hold back the bark of bitter laughter that spilled from your tongue.

“Oh my god. Wow. That’s poetic, Finn, that really is. Did Tommy teach you that?” Ouch. You could tell that hurt him. It flashed in his eyes, souring his entire expression. It was something you’d jabbed at before, and every time you added onto it the cracks in his carefully composure widened.

And it hurt you, too. Knowing that you were the one who did this to him hurt you; it was a knife to the gut and a white-hot iron to the heart and yet the words spilled out like a dam broke and you couldn’t stop them. You felt the control on your emotions slip and took a breath, closed your eyes. Your flat was only a few blocks away. Focusing on the familiarity of the bland walls and creaky bed cleared the fog in your mind somewhat.

Calmer now, you said, “Stop trying so hard to be like him. It doesn’t suit you at all.”

He didn’t say anything else until you stopped in front of your flat and pulled out your keys.

“Don’t do this, Y/N.”

You opened the door. “I have to.”

“It’ll break you.”

You gave the darkness in front of you a sad smile. “Already broken.”

The trip to the Pinfields’ mansion was cloaked in silence, and the air was thick with tension. In the car sat Tommy, Johnny Dogs and a few of his men, you, and Charlie at the wheel. The boxes with explosives were laid out on your lap, and you were making the last final tweaks to the mines that were to be planted right in front of the Pinfields’ porch. They were inside. It was an early Sunday morning, after all, and they weren’t expecting an attack–you had a reserve of gas grenades, and all the other exits would be blocked, and the only way to get out of the house would be the front door. There, mines would be waiting for them, and the Pinfield twins would go out with a bang.

Or that was the plan. You would count yourself lucky if anything went somewhat according to the plan, which was based on quite a number of suppositions. You couldn’t deny the nerves that were slowly building up throughout the ride, but Johnny Dogs and his mates were joking around, not looking the least bit nervous, and Tommy wasn’t giving away anything at all, so you kept your face straight and tried to stop your knee from bouncing, a jittery habit you’d never quite been able to rid yourself of.

Then the car stopped, and Tommy announced that, for the last mile or so, you’d have to go through the forest. On foot. Nothing you hadn’t prepared for, so you adjusted the bag hanging from your shoulder and started walking.

When the mansion finally came into view, your breath hitched. Until now, it hadn’t felt real, somehow–it had been easy to talk about how you would kill the Pinfields, but now that you were actually pulling through with it… You wondered if you’d made a mistake. If it had been better to listen to Finn.

You shook your head. No. No hesitating now, no turning back. You’d agreed upon this plan–Hell, you had proposed this plan–and you were going to go through with it. No matter what.

It was still dark, and it was fairly easy to sneak into the garden–the Pinfields’ grounds were so big that their gates weren’t even visible from their house, and the miserable little stone wall they’d put up as extra protection didn’t pose a huge challenge for any of your team. As you approached the main door, your heartbeat started to speed up. But you were now visible from the house, and though you were wearing dark clothes you had to get this done quickly.

Johnny Dogs ran beside you, and he gave you one of his trademark grins and a pat on the back before sinking to his knees and starting to dig the trench.

The two of you worked quickly; Johnny digging, and you carefully placing the mines in the trench, activating them and quickly covering them with the loose dirt. They had a timer on, too, so they wouldn’t be fully active until after five minutes. Five minutes to plant seven mines–you couldn’t risk the brothers missing them–was tricky, but you were positive you could manage it. You had to manage it.

A whistle sounded, and you tapped the last of the dirt over the seventh mine. You shot a quick look at Johnny, who nodded and returned the call. Then he grabbed your arm and both of you sprinted back to where Tommy and the rest were waiting. He had his rifle over his shoulder, and didn’t acknowledge your return except for a grunt when you skidded to the ground beside him. Now it was just a question of waiting–waiting until just before dawn.

They were the longest, most agonising minutes of your life, each one feeling like an hour and when you were sure you would burst out of pure bottled-up nerves and excitement, Tommy said, “Now.”

One of Johnny’s boys sprang up and raced towards the house. A second later you heard the faint sound of shattering glass, and wisps of smoke started pouring from the windows. It would do a fine job of alerting the servants, maybe even the Pinfields themselves, and you started counting down the second, eyes fixated on the front door.

And then it swung open, and a man that could only have been one of the Pinfields stumbled out, one arm over his mouth against the smoke. Your hands flew up to cover your mouth, as if you wanted to stifle the sound of your very breathing.

He leant against the doorframe, wiping his sleeve across his mouth, spitting on the ground. Took a step forward. Kicked a potted plant across his porch, and your heart missed a beat–but it didn’t even fall. It was huge, the pot alone half his size, and all he did was probably hurt his foot. He cursed, loudly.

And then he stepped off his porch.

For a split second, nothing happened, and you thought you would faint with the pressure–but then a mine went off, and though you were expecting it, you jumped and turned away against the sheer force of the explosion that slammed into you like a gust of wind powerful enough to rip a tree straight from its roots and knocked the breath clean out of your lungs. The detonation of one mine quickly set off the rest, and the fast mounting explosions had you shield your head with your arms and flatten yourself to the ground.

But when you looked up and tried to blink the smoke out of your eyes, something scratched at the back of your mind and you scrambled up, ignoring Johnny Dogs’ vicious tugging at your sleeve.

“No, no,” you said hoarsely, falling onto your knees again and blindly grabbing hold of the fabric of his coat. “The other one. Where’s the other one?” Only one of the brothers had stepped outside. The other Pinfield was nowhere to be found.

“Fuck,” said Johnny under his breath, then he shouted what you’d said over to Tommy.

Tommy cursed and stood up too, raking a hand through his hair. He pointed at the men surrounding him. “Find the bastard. Find him and kill him.” Then he turned to you. “Stay here. You’ve done your part. This isn’t your fight anymore.”

Half of you wanted to protest, but you knew he was right. You’d never killed a man. Tricking someone into stepping onto a land mine was not the same as pointing a gun at their head and pulling the trigger. The end result may be the same (one maybe a bit bloodier than the other): a dead man on one’s conscience, but it was easier when you could turn away.

They all went their separate ways, some disappearing into the brush, others making for the house to see if he was waiting it out there, leaving you alone, half hidden behind the bushes and the trees, nothing but the beating of your own heart for company.

Your breathing was too loud. Your breathing was too loud, and when you looked down at your hands, they trembled. You balled them to fists. Hide. You had to hide, tuck yourself away so that nobody could find you. Dropping onto your knees, you shimmied yourself in between two bushes, letting the leaves fall around you, making for excellent cover.

The one downside to this was that you were completely blind to what was going on around you. You had expected noise; gunshots, shouting, engines roaring, but it was silent. So silent. Every rustling of leaves made your heart speed up, for you were certain that somebody had found you, somebody was coming for you, somebody was going to kill you–

And then it would be dark again and silent. Oh so silent.

After a while, it became too much. The pressure. The silence. You started to understand why the Shelbys liked having other people around, why those evenings of party and drink were so popular; it was to forget, to forget the events of the day, possibly forget everything if only for just a few hours. Clambering out of your hiding spot, you inched towards the edge of the forest, to try and catch a glance of what was going on.

Nothing. From the house came nothing, no shouts, no bangs. From the forest around you–nothing. You breathed out, letting it last, trying to get your nerves under control.

You would be fine. No one would find you. No one would hurt you. Tommy would kill the remaining Pinfield brother and he would come get you and you would go home. And then you would be able to leave Small Heath, leave Birmingham, once and for all.

Like a mantra you repeated it in your head, over and over, to keep yourself from running out there and finding the remaining Pinfield yourself. If you muttered it often enough, you found, you could even convince yourself it was the right choice.

You would be fine.

From behind you, there was a slight rustling and a grunt, and you exhaled in relief. “Did you find–”

But you were stopped short by two big hands clamping across your mouth, and you let out a muffled scream. Your own fingers instinctively shot up and clawed at the hands, but whoever it was that had got a hold of you was strong and wasn’t planning on letting go.

“Scream, you little fuck,” spat a coarse voice close to your ear. You struggled, tried to wriggle yourself from his hold. Panic seared through you in white-hot bolts and your eyes were wide, darting around to try and see your attacker as well as find a way out. “So you killed my brother, eh?” grunted the voice, and your insides turned to ice.

Nothing could ever have prepared you for this. Nothing could have prepared you for the scorching terror that burrowed itself in your very bones, seeped into your brain, made all rational thought impossible. Instead of going limp, you doubled your efforts to free yourself from his grasp, ripping and pulling and scratching and biting.

“You fucker–I’ll fucking kill you–” He was trying to stay quiet about it. Your feverish brain took that as a sign that someone was close by–within shouting distance, at least.

So you used all of your strength to yank your mouth free from his hand and scream. Scream as long and as hard as you possibly could; no words, just a blood-curdling shriek. A split second later he was back on top of you, more urgent this time, grunting as he tried to get his hands around your throat.

His fingers pressed into the soft skin below your chin, and only a few seconds later black spots started dancing around your vision. You gasped for breath, and, encouraged, he dug his thumbs deeper into the pressure point. A rock dug into the back of your head, and you concentrated on that pain, letting it flow through you, forcing you to stay awake. Fighting to stay awake.

But he was strong, and his knees were on either side of your hips, effectively pinning you to the ground. He was pushing harder and harder–breathing became more difficult by the second, and your grip on his wrists was slackening. You blinked furiously, but your vision was blurring. This was it, you thought. This was it.

And then a gunshot rang through the air. The sound was distant to your oxygen-deprived brain, but you heard it nevertheless, and for a second you feared the bullet was meant for you; but the fingers around your throat loosened, and Pinfield, who had been pinning you down just moments before, now froze and then dropped like a sack of potatoes.

He fell on top of you, and in a last attempt to free yourself you managed to roll out from beneath him, where you lay by his side, chest heaving with coughs and eyes screwed shut. You were vaguely aware of something warm and sticky on your face, clinging to the skin of your neck, your clothes, but being covered in blood was probably the least of your concerns.

Right now you focused on the fact that you were alive. You were alive, and the scorching breaths you sucked in proved it. Your head swam after being almost asphyxiated, and shaking fingers came up to brush the tender skin of your throat. Those would become bruises later.

You vaguely registered someone shouting your name, and a second later they dropped to their knees next to you. You opened your eyes, blinked hard, and slowly Finn’s face came into view.

He was paler than you’d ever seen him before, brows knotted together, lips pressed in a tight line. Only in the back of your mind did you note that he was not supposed to be here. He was supposed to be back in Small Heath. But a gun lay discarded behind him, and that’s when you realised it was Finn Shelby who saved your life.

He was saying something. His lips moved, but you couldn’t hear the words he spoke and you closed your eyes again, rubbing your hands across your face. “Wait,” you slurred. Your tongue felt like lead. Too big for your mouth. You coughed again.

“… you not to go. I fucking told you not to go, you idiot,” he was saying in a sharp but shaky voice, and when he helped you sit up his hands trembled.

“I just almost died. You don’t get to swear at me,” you said, but your voice was barely audible and you doubled over once more.

Despite everything, Finn laughed–jerkily and weak but a laugh nevertheless–and you smiled too, letting yourself fall forward into his chest. He wrapped his arms around you, burying his face in your shoulder.

“I’m covered in blood,” you mumbled into his coat.

“What?”

You pulled away. “I’m covered in blood.”

Finn shook his head. “Not yours, so I don’t care.”

That’s when others started to appear–Johnny Dogs first, along with a few of his men, then Tommy, who immediately ran towards you and started questioning both you and Finn, barely paying any mind to the body lying, like, maybe two feet away from him. When he had quickly inspected you for any serious wounds and was satisfied, he whacked Finn on the back of his head, but he gave a small, tight smile too.

Finn helped you stand up, and didn’t let you go until you got to the hospital.

The nurse dabbed at your cuts with a cotton wad dipped in alcohol, and it stung. Sat on the edge of the hospital bed, you didn’t quite know what to do with your hands, so you kept them folded in your lap. You’d gotten mostly cleaned up; your ruined clothes were thrown in the trash, and all the blood had been washed off your face and arms. You had needed stitches for the cut on the back of your head–scalp wounds bled like crazy–but overall you had gotten away mostly unscathed.

Finn was fine, too. Shaken up, but fine. He’d explained to you on the way back how he’d talked Isiah into following Tommy’s car from a distance, and had just made his way through the forest to the mansion when he’d heard you scream.

You watched him subtly on the other side of the room where he sat with his arms crossed. He met your eyes and smiled tightly, and you stuck out your tongue, which caused him to laugh, which he tried to hide with a cough. The nurse gave your cheek a pat and you looked at her again, blushing slightly. She shook her head, but her eyes glittered.

When she was done, she packed up her stuff and said, “There’s nothing that really warrants a stay at the hospital, honestly. The neck will bruise, but you’ll be fine. Go home, get some rest, come back in two weeks to get your stitches removed.” You nodded and she left.

Finn brought you your coat, and together you stepped outside into the gloomy streets.

Though it was grey and overall a pretty sad day, you found you didn’t really care anymore. If anything, the glum weather had started to grow on you, and you were starting to appreciate some of its aspects. Sometimes. It didn’t beat a nice sunny day on the countryside, but for now it would do.

“So what now?” asked Finn after a moment of silence.

“What d'you mean?” Your voice was still hoarse, and the nurse had told you that it would be for a few days.

“You know. Are you–will you leave Birmingham?”

You had the money. The six thousand pounds from Tommy’s first job. But the more you thought about it, the more you found you didn’t really want to leave. Your flat was shit, but you could finally afford a better one. You had your shop. No one wanted to kill you anymore, which was good.

And of course there was Finn.

“Nah,” you said nonchalantly, kicking a pebble from your footpath. “Nah, I think I’ll stay.”

He immediately perked up, and a grin lit his face and you laughed. He was so predictable. “Good,” he said in a valiant effort to conceal his excitement. “That’s good.”

You would later vigorously blame it on your still-woozy brain whenever Finn brought it up, but in reality you had never thought more clearly. Maybe it was a rush of confidence, or just that you were done with the tension always hanging between you and him.

Whatever the case, you tugged Finn into an alleyway out of view from the streets and kissed him.

It was fireworks. It was the clear sunrise after a long, stormy night; it was everything you had not even dare hope for. Above all, it was worth everything it had taken you to get there. You could have done without the almost-dying, but none of it mattered now, temporarily erased from your mind by pure bliss.

“I’m staying,” you whispered against his lips, your arms around his neck.

He laughed, pulling you closer. “For me?”

You rolled your eyes, even though he wasn’t wrong. “Sure. For you.”

“There’s a contract forbidding our contact, Y/N,” he teased. “You demanded it yourself, remember?”

You groaned, throwing your head back. “Oh my god. Fuck the contract.”

“That’s not very professional of you.”

“You know what else isn’t professional? That fucking hideous haircut of yours.”

He laughed, a full-fledged laugh that bubbled from his throat and rang like the sweetest of music to your ears. “You’re never going to let that go, are you.”

“No. Shut up.” Shut up. And you kissed him again.

#finn shelby x reader #finn shelby fanfic #finn shelby fic #peaky blinders fic #finn shelby imagine #peaky blinders imagine #finn shelby peaky blinders #finn shelby peaky blinders x reader #finn shelby one shot

[tellywoodtrash]

sanjivani 06 + 07.11.19 lbs

still cranky af coz i'm tired from yesterday and my cat won't stop screaming in my face FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON this morning and ughhhhhhhhhhh. so imma pay it forward and caps lock scream at these dumbasses.

———————————————————————

06.11.19

YEH INSAAN PAGAL HAI KYA, TERE KO KOIIIIIIIIIIIII AUR SOLUTION DIKHAAYI NAHI DE RAHA SIVAAYE KHUD US SE SHAADI KARNE KE!?!!?!? LIKE GOD SIDDHANT, YOU ARE SO FUCKING DUMB.

le khaap panchayat bhi peeche pad gayi hai. LORD. THIS COUNTRY IS HONESTLY THE PITS WITH ITS DUMBASS PATRIARCHAL BULLSHIT.

"main baat karunga ishani se; woh ek ladki hai, samajh jaayegi."

BC LADKI TOH MAIN BHI HOON AUR MUJHE TOH BILKUL BHI SAMAJH NAHI AA RAHA. KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BAKCHODIIIIIIIII HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

this dumbass is tooooooooo fucking pure for his own good. like........ itna bhi achcha nahi hona chahiye bande ko zindagi mein.

waah. iska chehra dekho. kaisi ram milaaye jodi hai bewakoofon ki.

ishani also too pure for her own good. but in a relatable sort of way, unlike that other idiot.

oh madam, tere iss seal of approval/character certificate ka kya woh achaar daalega?!!?!? usski poori zindagi jhand ho gayi hai iss chakkar mein.

ok if you've decided that this marriage is gonna work, etc. THEN STOP LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE THIS.

this chick is crazy. i get you're relieved he didn’t cheat on you and shit but........  maybe decades from now you can look back and marvel on what a great, noble man you loved, but this is a weird reaction to have right now.

ok fwding this patient’s incredibly-on-the-nose-shaayari nonsense, coz i'm really pissed now.

le poora corridor ghoom phir ke phir se wapis idhar hi aa gayi. 2 minute pehle toh bada aashirwaad de rahi thi iss shaadi ko. MAKE UP YOUR MIND SIS.

ugh lo yeh bhi aa gaya.

MANHOOS.

siddhu should claim surging newlywed/paternal hormones and throw a punch or two at this asshole.

WAIT WHAT HAS THIS FUCKER SHIFTED HIS REVENGE FROM SHASHANK TO SID?!!?!?!? WHY?!!?!?!? THE FUCK IS GOING ONNNNNNNNNNNNN?????

waaaaaaah kya khush-haaal jodi hai. should be a real healthy and conducive environment to raise a kid in!

wow. EVERYONE KNOWS THE WHOLE DEAL WITH SID AND ASHA NOW. like..... there's no keeping a secret in this hospital huh. 

oh ab issko bada empathy hai bin byaahi maa-on ke saath. ROSHNI KE SAATH KYA KAAND KIYA THA BE!?!?!?! BOL! SACH BOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh stupid red herring. goddddddddddd when will they reveal this raaz already!?!?

lol sid's in the (left) corner in this shot, and then disappears in this next.

snort, ishani has ZEROOOOOOOOOO of that 4 lions awareness thingy huh??? banda 4 feet peecha khada hai and she's most focused on her gale ki kharaash.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HE SURPRISED HER AND MADE HER CHOKE. HAVEN'T YOU DONE ENOUGH TO RUIN HER LIFE, DUMBASS?!!?!

"god, tum choke kar rahi ho?!?!?! JUST BREATHE."

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, WOHI TOH NAHI HO RAHA?????? YOU THINK SHE’S A WILLING PARTICIPANT IN THIS HERE EXERCISE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO PERFORM THE ESSENTIAL PROCESS OF BREATHING????? KAUN HAI YAAR YEH BEWAKOOF?!?! SHAADI KARTE TIME MEDICAL KI DEGREE RADDI MEIN BECH AAYA KYA?!?! YA HAWAN KUND MEIN PHENK DIYA AUR USSI KE PHERE LAGAAYE THE TUNEY?

lmao this is the worst, most unconvincing heimlich i have ever seen.

uh. no. this is NOT a romantic moment.

oh no. the tone shifted and it BECAME a romantic moment. fuck. just either make out or move the fuck to the two furthest corners of the elevator. THIS TENSION IS FUCKING INSANE.

oh god this boy's unrelenting sadness is killing me. it's bloody killing me. i think i might have to double my dose of antidepressants while this fucking track is on.

boss!dad is so sad and disappoint that his ship crashed and burnt so spectacularly. he’s been here since before everyone else, when ishani was manically describing her titli and abnormal heartbeat!!!!!! :’(((((((((((

lmaoooooooooooo i wish anjali was here to hear shashank giving this personal life/professional life balance ka lecture. bada mazzaaa aaata!

boss!dad ki umeedein sidIsha pe abhi bhi kaayam. saying kuch aur nahi toh dost hi bano ishani ka.

dunno if that’s such a good idea right now, dad. maybe in time, once the feelings aren’t so raw.

GOD PLEASE ISKO ISKI KHUSHIYAAN WAPIS DE DO. ISKA GHAM AUR JHELA NAHI JAATA. CHEHRA DEKHO BECHAARE KA!!!!!!!!!!! I’M THIS CLOSE TO TEARS. HE’S A GENUINELY GOOD BEAN AND DESERVES BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh ho ab inka date dekhna hoga.

juhi is like life mein kabhi kabhi go with the flow. shashank is like "kabhi kabhi kya, hamesha."

haan hamesha aise flow kar-karke hi yeh nateeja nikal aaya hai; pata nahi kitna jaane-anjaane bachche of yours are running around here at any given moment.

................... so ambiguous. is this a romantic saath or is this a platonic saath?? LIKE THE FUCK IS THE DEAL WITH YOU TWO?!!? JUST DTR ALREADY.

purest boys. love you two.

tu haraami hai. but love your face.

bleh.

lmao rahil can't muster up neil's civil graciousness towards sidAsha.

kameeeeeeeeeeeeena insaan. bohut hi bada keeda hai tu.

rahil yaaar. i love your petty ass so much. you're honestly my favt person on this godforsaken show.

"kaash yeh sapna hota."

"kaash yeh sab ek jhoot hota. kaash sab kuch pehle jaise hota. (hum) iss tarah saamne nahi, saath khade hote."

OH HO. FORESHADOWING KI YEH SAB JHOOT HI TOH HAIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

———————————————————————

07.11.19

RISHABH I SWEAR TO GOD....... TU ITNAAAAAAAAAAA KAMEENA KYUNNNNNNNN HAIIIIIIIII????? BHAGWAN KO BHI EK DIN MOOH DIKHAANA HAI, KUCH TOH SHARAM KAR?!?!!!!!

while neil continues to make an effort, rahil continues to make no pretense of approving of sidAsha. he just wandered the fuck off, lol.

OUFF SAD BEBBIES. SO SAD THEY ARE.

grey is really this one's colour. he looks hottesttttttttt in it. it brings out his eyes/skin tone most spectacularly.

oh ab suddenly Awareness™ (*khushi kumari gupta's voice correcting me from the skies* “ACIDITY!!!!!”) jaag utha.

SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHO THE FUCK IS SETTING OFF FIREWORKS RIGHT OVER A FUCKING HOSPITAL??????? like it's no metaphor or anything, since they've been going off since even before he appeared before her.

the fluctuating of the lights is majorlyyyyyyyyy distracting. it's not just the fairy lights, but even the huge lamps behind them.... those should.... NOT be doing that.

IDIOTS. STOP LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT AND MAKING ME WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

simultaneous "i love you."

wow, inappropriate but also AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH [screams till the end of time]

ugh vardhan you're such a loserrrrrrrrrr. get a goddamn life. it's diwali; shouldn't you be with your kid, instead of sitting here alone in your office in the dark?????

"i love you, ishani. i really do. bohut pyaar karta hoon main tumse."

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH I AM DESTROYED. I AM FUCKING...... LYING ON THE FLOOR IN PIECES. THIS IS JUST SO FUCKING SAD.

"surgery mein kabhi kabhi humein ek pal mein faisla lena pad jaata hai. fayda-nuksaan, sahi-galat ke baare mein nahi soch sakte. uss ek pal mein patient ki jaan kaise bachaaye? bass ussi tarah, uss din asha aur uske bachche ki jaan bachaane ke liye, mujhe jo sahi laga maine wohi kiya. main ek doctor hoon, apne saamne ek ladki aur uske bachche ko main marte kaise dekh sakta tha???"

ugh siddhanttttttttttttttttt yaaaaaaar, TU ITNA ACHCHA KYUN HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII?????? ZINDAGI KUCHAL KE RAKH DETI HAI TUM JAISO KO YAAR.

ok some hardcore 2000s k-soap editing happening here and taking me outta the moment.

iska naatak abhi tak khatam nahi hua.

SO VARDHAN KNOWS THAT SID IS SHASHANK'S KID???? WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT IS HAPPENING HERE???? WHY GO THIS COMPLICATED AND TWISTED ROUTE INSTEAD OF JUST EXPOSING THAT TRUTH TO EVERYONE????? SUCH CONTRIVED BS!!!!!!

GOD SIDDHANT, YOU FUCKING NEED THERAPY. THROWING YOUR WHOLEASS LIFE AWAY TO TRY AND PROTECT A RANDOM UNBORN CLUMP OF CELLS IS NOT THE WAY TO FUCKING DEAL WITH YOUR DADDY ISSUES.

THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED YOU GETTING ON YOUR KNEES IN FRONT OF HERRRRRRRRRR BUT YES, BEG. BEGGGGGGGGG FOR FORGIVENESS YOU FUCKING DUMBASSSSSSSSS.

bitch, uske tumpar chillane se kya haasil hona hai???? poori zindagi ujaad rakhi hai tuney apne iss Benevolent Bewakoofi™ se.

PHIR I LOVE YOU BOLA. A REAL PASSIONATE ONE THIS TIME. THIS GUY IS FUCKING TRYING TO KILL ME. OF FEELZ AND SADNESS. I'M LITERALLY SO SAD RIGHT NOW.

"i'll always love you.... main..."

FUCK THIS GUY IS REALLY TRYING TO FUCKING MURDER ME MAN.

"pehle toh main pyaar karti thi, ab aur karne lagi hoon. aur yeh pyaar zaroor badhega hi."

ASLKDJSALKDJASLDKJAJD LET THEM BEEEEEE TOGETHERRRRRRRRRRRR THIS IS JUST SO FUCKING UNFAIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR *SHAKES A FIST AT THE SKY*

"kya kamaal ki niraasha phaila rakhi hai tumne sanjivani mein. tumhare maa-baap ne tumhara naam galat rakh diya, haina dr. asha?"

ugh yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar. first of all we have such few female characters here, mardon se bloody bhara pada hai show. upar se iss ek achche compelling female character ka poora ka poora satyanaaash kar diya. main kabhi maaf nahi karoongi writers ko.

blah blah zimmedaari waala gyaan aur amar prem ke vaade, while im just looking at the poor fit of namit's pants in the butt. someone tailor that shit for him. (or don’t. i find pancake butts on hot boys kinda adorable.)

"tumne usse nahi, uski achchaayi ne usse phasaaya."

badaaaaaaaaaaaaa hi kameena insaan hai tu vardhan. narak ki aag mein jalega. if ishani herself doesn't set you on fire in the sanjivani lobby first.

perhaps asha will do the honors? looks toh aise hi de rahi hai. all the best asha. that's one way you can redeem yourself in everyone’s eyes, sis.

"pehle toh main sirf aapse pyaar karti thi. ab hadh se zyaada izzat karti hoon."

lmao ishani admitting that she didn't have any khaas izzat for him earlier.

OUFF ISS PRIDE AUR PYAAR KA KYA HI KARNA HAI IF YOU'RE NOT GETTING CHUMMIS AND/OR ORGASMS OUT OF IT????? GODDDDDDDD. AB TOH ~~~PRIDE KE SAATH~~ APNA HAATH, JAGGANNATH HI HAI TUM DONO BEWAKOOFON KE LIYE, AGLE JANAM TAK.

fuck this episode is..... too much on me. i'm just hella glad that my period is over, or i would slip into a serious depressive episode over this.

but just..... LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THE WAY HE CAN’T HELP REACHING OUT TO HOLD HER FACE, THEY BOTH KNOW IT’S INAPPROPRIATE AND ARE TRYING TO RESTRAIN THEMSELVES, BUT HE STILL CAN’T STOP TRYING TO PHYSICALLY COMFORT HER (BECAUSE TOUCH IS HIS LOVE LANGUAGE, IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN.) AND HE CAN’T COZ HE SHOULDN’T AND HE’S DYING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE OF IT.

I AM IN LEGIT PHYSICAL PAIN FROM SADNESS RIGHT NOW.

i wanna hate asha, but i can't. coz i can really empathize and understand the desperation with which she wants to hold on to her current life, against the forces of patriarchy trying to crush her free will so brutally .

ok maybe i hate her a little, if she'll listen to this fucker and actively make sid's life hard, moreso than what has already transpired.

MAN WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM GOD I NEED ISHANI AND ANJALI TO TEAM UP AND KICK THIS ASSHOLE'S ASSSSSSSSSSS FOR MESSING WITH THEIR LIVES AND THE LIVES OF THEIR DUDES (DAD/BROTHER/BOYFRIEND) SO BADLYYYYYYYYYYY

———————————————————————

tell me sidIsha ke andar ke detectives phir jaag uthenge and will resolve this bullllllllllllshit within next weeeeeek, COZ I HONESTLY HAVE AN ANXIETY TUMMY ACHE RN.

#sanjivani #sj lbs #episode liveblogs

[the-worlds-tiniest-bowtie]

Brandon Coleman's Boy Witch

I had the pleasure of experiencing Brandon as Boy Witch for the first time last week and I haven't shut up about it since! I decided to make a post detailing all the things i love about him because his take on BW is so different than anyone I've seen before.

this is completely self indulgent and kind of just a diary entry/recap. i'm not posting this on my main blog on the off chance Brandon somehow finds it.

-

warning: this contains spoiler heavy material for BW's entire loop. i will be comparing the differences between Brandon and other performers (Nate, David, Austin, Jason, etc) so some of their character choices/audience interactions will be detailed here.

-

let me start by saying Brandon's Porter is my all time favorite. he played Porter in my 2nd show ever and was the first actor/character i followed for a full loop. I've had his 1:1 at least 4 times, maybe 5. the last time he picked me was one of the most special moments I have ever experienced in a show.. I don't remember who was playing Boy Witch but it was probably David or Nate because those are the only 2 i would follow from the ballroom.

after BW pushed Porter down, i had every intention of following BW. there were 3 or 4 people standing right where Porter usually picks, and i wasn't angling to get the 1:1 at all. when BW left, i followed him for about 5 steps and then turned around to watch Porter pick his 1:1. when i looked down at Brandon, he was already staring at me. I've never seen Porter pick someone BEHIND him for a 1:1, and i don't know if Brandon recognized me, but i gave it a second to see if he would realize it was me and choose someone else instead. Nope. i didn't move until he slowly reached his hand out and that's when i turned around and walked back to him. i may never know what possessed him to pick in such an unusual way and it still makes my heart skip a beat when i think about that moment.

something i really enjoyed about Brandon's BW is that many of the character traits he exhibits are clearly inspired by Porter. on the other hand, some aspects of his character are the opposite of how he plays Porter. Boy Witch is flirty, saucy, minx-y, and while Brandon is all of those things, he's missing one thing the other boys have: he's not mean. he's the first boy witch I've seen that doesn't give off a "i'm leading you on but i really don't give a shit about you" vibe. where most boys are sinister, Brandon is fun. i have never seen a BW smile so much - and not the usual knowing smirk, like, he was BEAMING. youthful, carefree, excited!

I first saw Brandon in the ballroom, dancing with Malcolm. it took a few minutes for him to look at me (was i desperately trying to make eye contact because we talked at the halloween party and i was super pumped about FINALLY seeing his Boy Witch? maybe.) and when he did, he went from being stoic and serious to getting visibly excited and grinning SO BIG i almost died. (Brandon, if you're reading this, let's be friends seriously how are we not friends already?) little did i know, this was going to be dark foreshadowing for the rest of the night.

like i said, he was having the time of his life.. until he wasn't. my second sign that Brandon's BW was going to be unlike any other was during the luggage dance. I've been pushed up against the wall by Boy Witch more times than i can count. I think Nate holds the record. but this is the first time BW has walked towards me, made me step back almost against the wall, then suddenly twirled around me and put his own back against the wall. IM SORRY WHAT? it took a second for my brain to catch up and realize he was inviting me to participate in role reversal. I can and will play Boy Witch at any given moment, so i took another step and pinned him against the wall for a split second. we made eye contact and it threw me off to see Brandon being sultry instead of the scared Porter expression I'm used to seeing. LITTLE DID I KNOW.

the phone booth dance was another confusing emotional rollercoaster- that was the first time I've seen an actor I associate with Porter playing Boy Witch and i was suddenly brought back to my first time watching that dance; not knowing whose side to be on. i betrayed Porter and followed BW to High Street, where he actually spat into his hand, which is somehow not the grossest thing I've seen BW do. (re: David making himself throw up in the shower takes the cake) BW led me to the Speakeasy where i found NATE AS SPEAKS and i swear i nearly fainted. Brandon tried to attack me, of course, Nate stopped him and i had yet another trippy moment of watching my favorite Boy Witch actor shove my favorite Porter actor into a box.

nothing too exciting happened between then and the rave. Brandon kept looking at me while wearing the ram head and thanks for the attention Brandon but i HATED IT. i hate that stupid head. i followed BW to the shower where he broke my heart for the first time that evening. i love to see what different actors do in the shower. it's such a simple scene in theory but such an opportunity for each actor to make it their own. i watched David gag himself until he threw up, then scrub his face and body for a solid 2 minutes, I've seen Nate spit out an entire mouthful of blood, etc etc. Brandon did possibly the most heartwrenching of them all, which was curl up against the wall and hide his face in his arms. he didn't move for a long time, and when he did, he started gently shaking and sniffling. crying. this lasted for another minute before he looked up and surveyed the room.

i was purposefully not standing directly in front of the crowd; i was right next to the sink but there was another person slightly in front of me. i know Brandon's history of picking me when I'm trying NOT to be picked. i saw him look at me but i wasn't going to be a pushy audience member, so i held still while the person in front of me grabbed the towel. (if you're reading this, you already know how it ends and I'm sorry!) he dried off and looked at them, then motioned for his shirt. he got the box out, dug around, pulled his pants out, and handed them to.. me. i knew it was coming but it still made me so happy i almost cried. not to flex but I'm an expert at unraveling BW's suspenders so i untangled them in mere seconds. i stepped back after that, fully intending to give that person their shot, but i knew all along he was going to walk out with me. sure enough, he stood up, didn't look at anyone, and slipped his hand in mine as he walked out the door. side note: Brandon, if you're reading this, i love that you squeeze my hand like 3 times when you pick me for things. thank you.

we made it to the 1st floor where he scared the shit out of me when i got to the bottom of the stairs, then gave me a very sensual kiss on the cheek and ran off to the banquet. at this point, i left him to follow Speakeasy and didn't catch back up until the end of the witches' lobby dance with Macbeth. he picked someone else to sing to and this time, i did position myself conveniently to get chosen for the phone booth 1:1. sorry, fellow audience members. you gotta learn when to hold'em and when to fold'em! the phone booth is one i rarely get, so i felt justified. I glared at BW and tried to look apologetic at Porter- who walked away while BW was still using my finger to wipe his face. POWER MOVE. I SEE YOU JOHN WILLIAM WATKINS.

Boy Witch bewitched me with his eyes and then shrouded us in the darkness of the curtain. when we were safely hidden away from the world- holy shit, you guys. his face changed. suddenly, i was looking at Porter. the first time i saw him as Porter, i described Brandon as an older, more masculine version of Credence from Fantastic Beasts. i texted a friend that he had the energy of someone nervous and abused, and that same fearful energy came through in those moments in the phone booth. depending on how you interpret the story, BW is a scared and abused boy. he looked at me with those sad Porter eyes and i was filled with the strangest deja vu as he took off my mask. he whispered a secret in my ear and we had a fun out of character moment where Brandon tried to put my mask on and the curtain started to fall, so he panicked and tried to hand my mask to me, but i didnt notice in time, so he had to try and put my mask on again but we were running out of time because the curtain was still falling and he SOMEHOW got it on but omg it was stressful. Brandon, if you're still reading, that was adorable and I'm glad i got to share that moment of panic with you. also i love you.

i left BW soon after that but caught back up with him at the end of the show, where Brandon graciously walked me out. y'all, if you're lucky enough to get a walkout, the best part of the entire show might just be the moment you and the actor smile knowingly at each other before breaking into a run, down the lobby hallway and through the red curtains.

Brandon's charm doesn't stop when the show ends, though. i sent him a kiss emoji (or 12) as soon as i left the building and he immediately sent back a message where he APOLOGIZED FOR SOME TINY MISTAKE I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER. Brandon, i hope you read this so you know how FURIOUS i am that you would ever apologize for the performance you put on. don't you DARE say sorry for being a completely new and different version of my favorite character. you're my #1 Porter and now my #2 Boy Witch. (sorry, Nate Carter owns this ass.) also, you're just the most lovable person. we have so much in common that it's actually a crime you have yet to follow me back on instagram. also, happy late birthday, this is your present from me.

IN CONCLUSION: if you haven't been to a Sunday early show in the past 5 weeks, it's time for you to buy your ticket. go see that boy in action.

fin.

#sleep no more #brandon coleman #snm #mckittrick hotel #the mckittrick hotel #boy witch #snm recap #is that a tag? #someone teach me how to add the read more thing on mobile #if you read this novel please dm me for my main account

[flaine1996]

SSV AIN JALUT

Bit of an update with projrct timeline dtill working on it but havent finished sny of the new WIPs im writing so herree have an old one i slightly revamped :))

------

Garden worlds have always been habitable places, where the ecosphere could support any population.

Yet somehow Anhur managed to feel anything but habitable.

[[More]]

The buildings that had been built had been noticeably new and renovated and yet hardly anyone had seemed to be living in it. Preferring to be living on the streets. From the looks of it though, it hadn’t seemed like they had a choice.

Which is why it had been a strange sight seeing a group of armed soldiers walking down the streets as if they owned the place the day after they landed. After all this was the terminus, soldiers don’t come here. Not by choice anyway.

The tall, bulked up soldier in the front talks to one of the locals. He points to the nearby dense forests where he explains that there is a clearing far off from the eye can see and in response the soldier nods and gives him a small container. The local gladly accepts and runs away from prying eyes, holding the container as if he was carrying gold.

The soldiers charge on passing through the dense forest, going in deeper and deeper.

Boots filled with gravel and sand. Sweat pouring down their faces. Guns held close to their chests. Until they see it. Somewhere in the middle of their misery. They see it. A small building.

One of the soldiers raises his hand and an omni-tool appears, “The scanner is picking up life signs, Commander. How shall we proceed?”

The tall man surveys the area, “Hajjins position yourself 15 feet southeast from here take Alvarez with you, Alvarez I need you to decrypt any information you can get in that building and the rest of you will be ground team. Move out.”

Without a single word the rest of the soldiers filed out with disciplined movement. The ground team had been precise and careful as they reached closer to the building despite the dense trees and rocky terrain. As one of the soldiers moved closer however a turret unsheathed itself from its cover blasting away at the soldier’s leg.

“God damit! Alvarez, did you not see that?!” The commander yells as one of the other soldier drags the injured behind a large tree they were in.

“Was just about to contact you, Sir!” Alvarez hastily replies.

“Fucking asswipe,” says the injured soldier.

“Save you energy, Lee. Trembley slap some omni-gel on that! Hajjins, take it down," The commander ordered, "Any other surprises we should worry about, Alvarez?”

“Hajjins says she’s doing the best she can but as long as you aren’t in range it won’t come out… and also…”

“Spit it out Alvarez!”

“They’ve managed to scatter IEDs below ground… If you even step on o---”

“I GET IT ALVAREZ! Fuck…. Can you somehow deactivate them?”

“It will take hours to shut them all off, sir… but i can show you where they are located,” as he says that the commanders omni-tools pings and a map of the area with glowing red dots scattered on the battleground in front of them. The dots beeping to specify their location, “That’s not all… There’s still another turret… hiding…”

“FUCK SAKE! Find a way to deactivate them! NOW!” The commander barks and turns to his soldiers, “You’ve heard him for now we have to wait and pray for a fucking miracle”

“You’re telling us to wait,” a soldier with distinct blood red, black striped armor asked.

“Didn’t think you were deaf,” The commander snaps, “If you want to be a moving target then do it, but i am not wasting any good men.”

With that he turned his back on the soldier and checked on Lee.

“Uhm… sir,” Alvarez calls shakily.

“WHAT NOW?”

“Shepard’s mobilizing,” replies Alvarez nervously.

The commander’s head turns immediately to the battleground in front. The blood red, black striped armored soldier charging into the battlefield with only a storm shotgun at hand.

“SHEPARD, GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!" The commander yells.

Shepard doesn't even pay the commander attention, staring at the battlefield ahead. Only having a few minutes to glance and hear the sound of beeping from the commander’s omni tool to decipher a clear path

Feet thuddering the ground at each step.

That’s when the sound of turrets unsheathing from the ground could be heard, Shepard knew that time is of the essence and that less than 10 seconds, it will have found its target. Without even thinking, two grenades are thrown at the first turret while firing shots from a storm shotgun, managing to damage it enough that it blew up. The second one would be more a problem since shepard had been preoccupied with the first. She could hear shots being fired far off from where Hajins position was, attacking the second turret.

Shepard had one trump card though. Biotics.

Feeling the tingling sensation of eezo nodules from the brain and powered by the implants at the back of the skull. Shepard engulfs in a biotic barrier which felt like second nature. Blue light started emanating from Shepard’s whole entire being before a hail of bullets started pouring down. Fortunately enough, the end was close. The door to the building was only 3 feet away however shepards biotic shield as well as the shield from the suit had practically been blown to pieces. One more shot would be fatal.

Shepard leaps, body twisting to face the turret and using the sheer carnage ability from the shotgun sent shepard flying and hitting the entrance door while, simultaneously, blowing up the last turret.

“Shep---,” Alvarez reported.

“I fucking see it, Alvarez. Shepard, deactivate the IE---,” before the commander could finish, Shepard disconnected the comm channels and entered the building.

Once inside, Shepard notices how the whole building seems larger from the inside and sees containers ranging from large to small. Creeping closer to the smaller containers, shepard notices that a small beeping light is attached at its handle, a bomb. One filled with freezing ice in liquid form. Seems like the targets had prepared themselves for a likely event of an outsider. But they hadn’t prepared for Shepard.

Hearing footsteps, Shepard hides behind one of the nearest crates as the distinctive sounds of prattle kept coming closer.

“Those bastards with two eyes have been following us for weeks. We need to end this here,” one of them says.

“Don’t worry, those pests will be blown to sky high the minute they try getting through,” the other happily replies.

Shepard glances from the crate and notices that they are standing just approximately two feet away. Checking the omni-tool, Shepard’s shields and abilities had managed to recharge.

Not wanting to miss this chance, the small container that had been idly standing to the side is thrown violently to one of the speakers breaking and freezing him into place. Before the other one could even speak a word, Shepard grabs hold of its mouth and ramming a fist through his face repeatedly until it falls to the floor. Laying there on the pool of its own blood shepard grabs hold of the omni-tool it wears. Clicking what looks like the map of the area, Shepard commits to memory the layout of the building before the hologram fazes out. Then proceeds to drag both dead bodies behind the crate used for hiding earlier.

Shepard remembers a shortcut to the west and proceeds to move. The layout is pretty simple, after the entrance there would be the main hall connected to half a second floor with stairs.

All Shepard needs to do is reach the stairs. However upon reaching the clearing a group of the targets had been using the main hall as a gathering. Wasting no time, Shepard spots and uses the nearest crate to take cover.

“Have the implants been inserted?” asks one of them.

“Yes with force i might add,” another replies.

“Good. Remind them of the position they are in," another comments.

“What of the alliance soldiers,” another asks irritatedly.

“What of them? they're to stupid to even find us. Anhur has been desolate of batarians since 2170, they will not look here,” another chimes in, “Besides, we're well equip for dead meat.”

Clutching the shotgun, Shepard creeps all the way to the stairs. Fortunately the batarians have been too focused on their discussion to even notice. Reaching the top, two snipers are stationed to guard but decides instead to gather around playing cards.

With one flick of a wrist, Shepard lifts one of the batarian from his seat and slams his head onto the other one. Before both of them could react Shepard grabs both their heads and slams it hard against each other knocking them both out cold. But Shepard didn’t just want to knock them out. Grabbing hold of the first snipers neck, shepard twists his head until a snapping sound could be heard and does the same for the remaining batarian.

“IF YOU TWO DIM WITTED SHMILA, ARE BREAKING SLAVES NECKS, I WILL BREAK YOURS,” one of the batarians threatens menacingly.

No reply came but a small rotating disk shaped object falls from the sky. The batarians take a closer look before they realize what it is.

“BO---” before it could finish, a blinding white light and an explosion rocks the whole clearing.

The batarians are dazed and injured but they hear a loud thud from the table. As they look up a single armored being is standing.

One of the batarians opens its mouth before a loud blast of a shotgun echoes through the halls and before any of the others could raise their weapons, Shepard guns them down with quick precision and accuracy. Leaving only one clutching its head at the ground.

When the carnage was over, Shepard sheathes the shotgun and approaches the last batarian remaining and stepping tightly on his crumpled form speaks, “Where’s Balak?”

“W-Who?” The batarian asks.

Annoyed with its response, Shepard kicks the batarian hard enough that it sends him flying to the nearest wall.

“I’ll keep this simple,” Shepard says while grabbing the batarians head, “If you do not give me the information i want. I will take each one of your eyes and feed them to you.”

The batarian simply laughs, “Puny freak, you alliance soldiers aren’t the type.”

However his smile falters as Shepard's own feral grin grows, “I was hoping you’d say that.”

--------

The remaining soldiers outside finally breach the building. As they scan the area, only the dead could be found.

“Fuck sake, it smells like a varren took a really huge shit,” Trembley comments.

“Keep your wits about you, we don’t know what lurks here,” the commander sternly advises.

Before they could even step forward, a dark figure approaches. Without even hesitating the soldiers point their weapons at it, “FREEZE!”

"Alliance Vanguard Officer Shepard, reporting for duty," Shepard says while emerging from the shadows with a tone similar to an elcor, "sir."

“SHEPARD WERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?” The commander yells.

“In here.” Shepard replies coolly.

Before the Commander could pop a blood vessel, Alvarez steps forward, “What’s that in your hand?”

Without replying, Shepard throws the object at him. As Alvarez catches the object, he notes how hard it is and the fresh blood coating on it. With a shaky voice, “T---this is an arm...”

“As well as the omni-tool. If we preserve the arm we might still get information regarding Balak so i took it. We should also tell the Alliance regarding the slaves too,” Shepard comments before she heads towards the door.

“WE ARE NOT DONE HERE, SHEPARD,” the commander yells as he follows behind her.

Alvarez and Trembley looked back at the hallway and at each other before catching up with the group.

#mass effect #pre mass effect 1 #mass effect 1 #Commander Shepard #Ocs #Ezner Shepard #project timeline #old writing #revamped #weeeeeeee

[unpretentiousblogging]

My first suicide note

Don’t worry, this isn’t THE note, merely me reminiscing about what WAS my first note. And anyway, starting my actual suicide note with ‘first’ would be extremely stupid and already declaring defeat...which is ironic, since, you know, suicide is declaring defeat from life in general. 

Oh god. I do this a lot. Use poor humour to deflect from my obviously concerning thoughts. But anyway, it’s fine.Back to topic. (side note; there was no humour in my first suicide note. Hmm. Maybe I should incorporate that in the next one...joke. Maybe.Hopefully. Idk)

Anyway, first suicide note. Ah yes. I was fifteen.It was..2014? I don’t really remember much of it or the details surrounding that year. Just that it was angry and sad and vengeful and full of so much...hurt.Against everyone.My friends.My enemies. My mother. 

Ah. My mother. A recurring character in every suicide note I’ve ever written. It’s not her fault. She is not per say a bad person. But more on that later. This isn’t about her. This is about my suicide note and how it ended up being the first one.

A lot had been leading up to it. I should probably avoid saying the work depressed since I wasn't clinically diagnosed, but a bitch isn’t dumb. Or I mean, she is. But not in this case. You know when you spend the better part of two months not talking to anyone and experience the crushing pressure of this giant, pressing hollowness gnawing-ness that stays there no matter what you do, that THAT isn’t normal. Or at least, it wasn’t to me.

Tbh, I don’t understand much of it. That feeling. What caused it. Why it became such a significant part of my being. I was just in a negative head space. I had suddenly become hyper aware of the farce in everyone’s interaction with me. I detested that I couldn’t study what I wanted to. I had just...a lot going on. 

And also, truthfully, I think I had been using too much Tumblr. I would see this constant downpour of emaciated, beautiful girls talking about sadness as skinny white boys with cigarettes dangling from the corner of their mouths would tenderly hold them and I guess I internalised that this was what it took to be loved and also all that life had to offer.

Love. What a funny thing I chase after.So uninterested but also so extremely curious. Sigh.

Also, funny how the very platform that propelled me into the state I was then, is what I have chosen to come back to while meandering somewhere similar to that state. Not really funny,but what did I say..force of habbit. 

Anyway, back to story. I was sad.Really sad. And angry. And the final straw was the fight with my mom. I don’t remember what it was about. Not important. Just that I realised that I didn’t want my life anymore. Any life for that matter.

So, how does a 15 year old, kill herself? Or well, try to. Because, suuurprise. It obviously didn’t work. I didn’t die. (yet) Or I wouldn’t be ‘’killing time’’ (haha) by writing this.

Well,didn’t own a gun.not smart enough to figure out how strangulation worked.House not tall enough for free falling from roof to cause desired effect. Too much of a wimp to cut veins.

The only other logical explanation was to ingest some poison. Painless. Bound to achieve results without risking grotesquely convulsing my appearance in the way that free falling or burning would do should the fail to work.

Now, we didn’t have any poison lying around the house but I remember how popularised the video of the Amanda Todd suicide was and how she mentioned drinking bleach to kill herself. So, my manic self rushed to the bathroom in search for my poison.

Unfortunately, I could find no bleach. So,I reached out for the next best thing. This anti acne product I had bought from Shams recently. It was pretty expensive and barely used but since I was going to die anyway,what was the point of me being careful with this overpriced bottle of skin care.

Yes, I decided to die by gulping down a bottle of a beautification product for my skin. Not only is that highly improbable but I think about it and snicker at the fact that is basically a twist on the whole ‘eat makeup to become prettier on the inside’ joke. I was basically annihilating all the blemishes on my inside by ingesting that bottle of toner. Pretty funny, if you think about it. Or just me?

To be fair, at the time, I didn’t think it was. I legitimately thought I was going to die.With my eyes sputtering out a tsunami of tears,I guzzled the colourless liquid from the transparent bottle and drank till there was only around 20 percent left. 

The whole thing rushing down my windpipe in one giant gulp. The second I was done with this I started freaking out. My throat burned and I felt this warm, icky wave of nausea steadily creep up on me.

You see, I stupidly didn’t wager that it would take so long.My juvenile brain had been expecting the job to be done quick and painlessly. This was neither and now my paranoid brain started whizzing like an unstoppable slot machine. I started panicking, remembering this post I had read online by this guy who recounted how his failed attempt at ingesting pills for suicide resulted in a highly painful stomach pumping experience and a life time of painful and uncomfortable digestion. I wasn’t prepared for that.I couldn’t not die and also end up with more issues on top of the ones I already did.

In a mad rush against time, I scrambled to get my phone and performed a quick Google search-what to do if you eat poison. The most frequently suggestions were to call poison control and to induce vomiting. Since, I couldn't really do the first one, I made way to the toilet and thankfully to my minor stint with bulimia (and they said eating disorders aren’t useful, pfft) , I knew exactly how to do the latter. Quickly, I shoved my fingers down my throat and attempted to force my alimentary canal to defy gravity. I alternated between this and ramming my toothbrush down my mouth and lo and behold, spurts of translucent chemical gush forth from my mouth like a faulty tap. 

At this point, I had progressed to full blown sobbing. I wasn’t able to successfully eliminate all the toxic liquid from my body and the purge had just resulted with me hiccuping incessantly and my stomach gurgling uncontrollably. Also, my mouth had a horrible aftertaste. Overall, I felt repulsive and sick and also glaringly aware of my soon to be (in my head) death.

In my misery studded mind, I made peace with my fate and decided that were I to to die, I had to make sure I hurt everyone who ever hurt me just as much as. I wanted them to feel guilty. Afterall, my death couldn’t just end with a bunch of people feeling sorry for me and the people who had done me wrong to not experience any of the anguish I had. So, I put pen to paper and began to scribble on an old English paper-my first suicide letter.

At the time, I didn’t know it was to be my first, of course. I thought it was my one and only. I dedicated this atrocious piece of writing to virtually everyone who meant anything to me in my life. Ex best friend? Obviously mentioned. Brother? Definitely to blame. Friend who cared but not enough? Special shout out.

But the star of the show, the main dedication of the bitterness fuelled literary rampage was  one person-my lovely mother. Like I said, not a bad person.  But just not compatible with me, to put it nicely. Anyway, the body of this letter revolved around her and how all the events of my interactions with her had materialised into this blame. If any one was to be guilt ridden after this entire ordeal, I wanted to make sure that it was her. 

Everyone else got a few sentences or a paragraph, but my mom, well she got pages and pages of my teen angst and venom against her. In fact, the opening of this abysmal note started off with something like, ‘’In case I don’t wake up tomorrow’’ (I wasn’t sure how effective the ‘’poison’’ would be. In hindsight, not at all), ‘’ you (mother) should know that YOU are to blame for all of this’’.

Pretty dramatic, am I right? Anyway, I don’t really remember more of what happened in the note, but basically, you get the idea of how it went, ok? 

So, yeah, after penning that intense piece of literature, I willed myself to go to sleep and hopefully die painlessly in my slumber. Or not. I wasn’t sure at this point whether I wanted to survive or not. Probably the most anxious sleep I was getting. After all, I didn’t know whether I was going to wake up the next morning or not.

Spoiler alert: I did. With relief.

And I tore up the note immediately. I think my mother had already read some of it but I am not sure if I remember entirely. I recall sitting in the car with her as she drove and a passing mention was made of it and all I said was that I had written a story in my notebook. And that was it. Did she believe me? Or did she simply not care enough? Or maybe her brain could not even begin to register that I was capable of performing such an abominable task. I don’t know. I wonder though, if she ever stays up at night wondering about what it meant. What any of it was.

I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even remember. I do. 

And that, brings to a complete, the pointless rambling of me and my first suicide note. 

good bye.

(we’ve reached the end. im not gonna go kill myself...right now. lol. maybe/ ok bye)

#suicide #death #ramblings

[blaurascon-kzk]

KZK Discord Digest [Week of Nov 22 - Nov 28]

SUMMARY: Work's still progressing on the LE Kirins. Some previews for the Aeterna (Time) one in this post! Kat's made a channel in the Discord specifically for posting quick WIP shots and previews while he's working. I likely won't be covering that channel in the Digests, given 1. there are a lot and 2. there are still WIP shots in Announcements, but we'll see. In the meantime, you'll have to check out the Discord to see em. Links in my SL profile. We migrated our databases to a new host the other day. The old host had been giving us fits for a long while, from downtime to failed purchases, but the recent streak of "vendors going offline and unable to come back online if we had to reboot anything" was the last straw. New host is much more robust than the old one - you'll notice this in faster purchase times, and if vendors need to reboot, they'll come back up faster. In addition, we'll be able to add item descriptions again! We weren't able to have these for quite a while due to issues with the old host. We'll get those updated soon as we have a bit of spare time. One caveat: If you happen to have any Vouchers left over from old events (e.g. the Sweetheart vouchers from Valentine's where you choose an avatar color), those will no longer work. They need to talk to the databases & don't have the right configuration now. You can manually redeem them from Kat if you need. Similarly, any vendors that we missed updating will no longer be able to properly talk to the item servers. If you happen across a vendor that seems to be failing to deliver an item, let us know so we can update it!

______

Nov 22

KatLast Friday at 5:09 PM @everyone So one of the final 4 kirins to be release is Aeterna, the avatar of Time. Here's a quick concept doodle for it. It wears a mask resembling a ram's head, and the horns are notched like a gear or cog.

For the design, I wanted something that looked aged and wise, yet still had a regal air to it. its main colors will be bronze, gold, copper, and maroon.

KatLast Friday at 8:31 PM @everyone So tonight I was approached by a fellow KZK community member and friend, with a simple request to help them troubleshoot a rig. After trial and error, a solution was found and they were well on their way toward finishing a project that had been plaguing them for weeks.

And herein lies the problem. The individual, who will remain nameless, who rigged this model, seems to have taken umbrage to me assisting.

I don't understand this mentality. I don't understand why they're upset, or why they're taking it out on the person who asked me for help.

KZK wouldn't be where it was were it not for the contributions of many before me. Everything I've learned, I learned from youtube videos, forum tutorials, and industry leaders like Michael "Orb" Vicente, most famous for his 'Orb_Cracks' brush that basically every major game studio uses these days(I'm not kidding).

Im also not afraid to admit when I'm wrong, or when I don't understand something. Years ago, I didn't know how to make good LODs, until members of this very community gave me information that made it possible.

Point I'm trying to make is, and the reason I'm posting this: If you don't know something, reach out. Its not dumb to not know something. Its dumb to not ask for help, because it just makes you look close minded and ignorant. Don't punish others for your ignorance, because the files I worked with tonight were new territory for me. I had the missing piece to the puzzle and progress was made.

Art and progress can't exist in a vacuum. There's entire generations of others who came long before you did--And there'll be plenty more to follow in your footsteps and eventually surpass you. Its why I'm always so eager to help. always eager to teach, because someone else was kind enough to teach me.

This has been your latest 'Old man shouts at clouds', brought to you by Kat who needs another cup of coffee.

KatLast Friday at 8:39 PM @everyone Also, if you're new to KZK, or not familiar with this: Sometimes a topic will come up, or something will happen that sorta.. just sets me off.

I'm 'famous', at least as far as the furry community in Second life is concerned. I could use that power for evil, but I dont. Instead I use it to try and spread a message from time to time. Today's lesson just happened to be about 'learning to learn', a subject that's always been near and dear to me.

You can ignore these kinds of posts if you want, but if you do read them, Please take them either with a grain of salt, or to heart. up to you. Its just important for me to raise awareness for issues like this from time to time.

______

Nov 24

KatLast Sunday at 1:57 AM @everyone Kinda dawned on me tonight that I wanted to make a channel where I could post updates and teasers to ongoing projects too minor/frequent to place into announcements(I don't like sending too many too often).

So, I've added a new channel to the General tab, called #teasers-and-wips. Reactions are enabled, but replies are disabled--you can share feedback in #general chat.  Enjoy!

KatLast Sunday at 5:25 AM @everyone My progress for today on the Aeterna Kirin. I've got the rings already modelled, just need to uv unwrap them and get them baked out once I get some sculpted detail onto them. Then its on to the floaty bits of fabric, which should go quickly, and lastly a new set of fur assets to make this old soul look wiry and wise. I'm particularly tickled with the skull so far. While definitely not true to a goat's skull, as intended, I much prefer the visage this design gives and I hope you all do too!

The skull and horns (and all other parts), will be static(with a bento alternative tail included, per the norm), so you'll be free to rip everything apart and repurpose it as your heart desires!

______

Nov 25

KatLast Monday at 6:16 PM @everyone Progress on the Aeterna is probably 95% at this point. The skin/body textures in use are not final(jsut using the chocolate textures so its not solid white), and I still gotta add the belly scales and make the asset for the maroon fabric hanging from the rings all over. I'm pretty stoked with how these hair assets came out. Also fun little side effect, when you remove the mask/horns, it looks like a cool kirin/zebra witch doctor kinda, so hey, some modding potentiall there for people.

Bonus: No mask

______

Nov 27

KatYesterday at 3:37 AM @everyone Hey reminder that there's a snazzy new #teasers-and-wips channel where I post progress on upcoming projects! I've been posting my recent progress on the Nova, complete with some behind the scenes  showing how I create assets that contribute to larger items. Its good fun!

KatYesterday at 4:35 AM @everyone At this moment, we're performing some server migration for our databases(We've got backups this time I promise!), so purchasing will be unavailable.

For those curious, we've had many vendors crashing and not coming back online in recent months. We originally suspected this to be a Second Life issue but it traced back to recent changes our host made, effectively crippling our servers.

We're migrating to a new host, and internal testing has already shown faster purchases, vendor boots, and the restoration of a long missing feature, item descriptions!!

We'll give the all clear once migration is done.

KatYesterday at 7:20 AM @everyone It is 7:15 in the morning, and Flame and I have powered through the night (although this is his day), to chase down a MYRIAD of issues that have been plaguing our system for the last several years. The crashing and failure to boot was definitely the nail in the coffin So this had to happen sooner or later.

BUT! We're ..technically code orange. The migration is complete, and as of the time of this writing, only the MAIN STORE KZK vendors and DIREWOLF Vendors have been updated to cache to the new server.

ANY Purchases made from ANY OTHER KZK vendor WILL NOT DELIVER at this time. I will be fixing the remaining vendors grid-wide once I've gone and copped a few hours of beauty sleep. This includes all KZK Multi-category vendors, and ALL Single prim vendors besides the Direwolves.

ALSO: If you are in possession of a voucher, they will no longer deliver items! There is no way to fix these going forward besides doing a manual delivery of the desired item(in exchange for the in-tact, unused voucher). All future vouchers going forward will use the new system.

TLDR: Only kzk main vendors work in Okarthel, as well as direwolves. Everything else is still fucked and im too tired to bother. I'll deal with those in the morning(after ive slept) (any purchases made to off-site vendors will be manually redelivered tomorrow as well, so if you wanna avoid failed purchases, just use Okarthel)

Flame SoulisYesterday at 7:35 AM Do note though that vendors and vouchers will continue to be recorded. All we have to do is re-add the purchase/item redemption to the newer system and your item will deliver.

So, in short, your purchase will be recorded if purchased outside the main store. It'll just be delayed until someone can update the newer system.

KatYesterday at 8:08 PM @everyone Took all day but I think I've managed to track down all active locations. All vendors, including the single prim stuff, has been switched over. In the event you find a vendor that fails to deliver properly, please let me or blau know.

Current vendor versions are 1.94(sergal and normal), and 1.51 for the stone pillar ones.

you are now free to move about the cabin. Now if you'll excuse me, I need more coffee and food. Stupid blood sugar @-@

#kzk-dd #kzk

[deniigi]

Hello! Just about to sit down and read your newest fic, so excited about it! I had a question for you (you very well may have answered this already, so sorry in advance!), but do you have advice for writing? Advice in terms of getting start, plotting out stories, helping get the creative juices flowing? I have all these ideas but seem to lack the drive to get things written out. I know the best advice is to just write, but I'm having a horrible time starting. What do you do in those moments?

Hello my dear!

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. The lord has blessed me with a head cold and ruined all my plans of productivity for the day, so I can finally answer this ask! I’ll talk a little bit about both how to get started with a story and then some little things that help me motivate myself.

I have started a tag for writing advice here: http://deniigi.tumblr.com/tagged/writing-advice

This is going to be a long post, sorry mobile users.

I am going to preface all of this with the understanding that I am technically a professional writer in terms of like, a handful of ways, but I have absolutely zero training in creative writing, so take everything I say with a grain of salt!

So, I personally find that, on the whole, that psychological hurdle of getting started comes a lot from the anticipation of the kind of response a story will get (how many hits, how many comments, how many kudos) in addition to a bit of anxiety or fear over  theloss of sustained interest in that story (by yourself and/or by your audience). I find that this can be alleviated by really, truly internalizing the understanding that you are allowed to write your work however you damn please, for whoever you damn please.

There will be work you write for others, and there will be work you write for yourself. Not all work needs to be published; sometimes, it is really nice to just write shit for yourself; it is a plus for humanity if you decide to share it with others, but you do not have to do that.

Furthermore, I would like to present you with this:

This is what my current folder for under fire looks like. And you might notice that there are almost always multiple drafts per chapter. Yes, I did in fact rewrite chapter four 5 fucking times, you bet your ass I did. And I’m not ashamed of it. I think the story is better for it. And that’s the important thing here: you do not need to produce a perfect draft the first time around. You will not produce that perfect draft. Accept this. Embrace this. Embrace it and your cat at the same time to really ingrain it as a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Liberate yourself from the pressure of needing to produce the perfect, most right draft and you may find starting the piece overall to be a much easier, more pleasant experience.

And along with this beautiful, uplifting spiritual advice, I also bring a practical thought: when it comes to getting started, a lot of times, people feel like they need to set the stage, yadda yadda yadda. Ha. No. Fuck that.

That’s a surefire way to bore the shit out of yourself. Start right in the middle of a scene that captivates you if that’s what you want to write. It’s a free platform. No one’s gonna arrest you if you stick Spiderman upside down in trash first thing. They might even applaud you actually, because you didn’t make them slog through some of that ‘It was the evening of the 25th and it was cold out in the streets” bullshit we all learned from Dickens.

Alright. Now let’s talk about actually getting started making words appear on paper.

So, from my knowledge there are generally two ways that folks write creatively. You have what I’m going to call the planners and then you what I’m going to call the monsters (I call them this entirely affectionately, I’m sure there’s a better word for these folks, but I don’t have it atm, all I have is a headcold). Planners are folks who sit down and work out their major plot points, who write outlines, and who create the scaffolding of their work before they set out on their magical journey. I think of these folks as architects.

And then you have the monsters and these are those fuckers who just sit down and write stream of consciously like the heathens all our high school teachers tried to teach us not to be.

I am both a planner and a monster. And a lot of that depends on the length of work I’m going for. I have never in my life planned a one-shot, for example. I just attack that as it is. I follow my heart, if you will. But when it comes to longer chaptered fics, I really do think that some outlining is super helpful.

You might find it useful for one-shots, though, I dunno. Maybe give it a try and see what happens?

The two main fics I’ve done proper outlines for are Inimitable and under fire and I actually find outlining to be immensely helpful in psyching me up to write the story (I go through and re-read my outlines when I start to lose interest or diverge too much from the plot outlined there in the actual writing. 9 times out of 10, re-reading gets me stupid excited to write all over again) and it also helps me keep momentum going throughout the plot.

Here’s a pic of some pages of under fire’s outline.

Physically writing the work is really important for me because it forces me to only put down key points/feelings/ideas I want to include, whereas typing gives me far too much room to get lost/distracted by extraneous detail. And since my handwriting is a teacher’s worst nightmare and I cross out shit and write huge with emotion, I’ll give you a little bit of what the middle page here says:

Miles-

there’s something thrumming

vibrating in his ears wherever he goes

-closes his eyes and somehow enters blackness- emptyness (Stranger Things style)

beat

beat

beat

“help.”

–BACK - everything is gone

closing his eyes doesn’t bring the space back

–it makes him panic. He doesn’t know why. His heart is pounding. He’s sweating He has a horrible feeling of doom.

beat

beat

beat

its gone.

he goes home anxiously. Pretends everything is normal.

his neck crawls

So basically it’s less of a formal outline and more of a collection of stream of consciousness feelings and screenplay directions which I’ll flesh out in the actual story.

Personally, I love writing these kinds of things because they get me pumped for the story I’m about to tell. I get to write out the key scenes and work through all the hard parts first, and then, while I’m writing, I work through the little fun details and banter and I have to write to figure out how we get from one scene to the next and I love the challenge of having to fit those pieces together. I very rarely stick strictly to my outline, (as anyone who is currently reading under fire can tell you right now), but I do try to stick to the main plot points in it and my writing is certainly better for it.

So yes. Outlining is very good, but it is even better when you do it to some kind of music. I listened to What’s Up Danger from the Into the Spiderverse soundtrack on repeat while I wrote this outline to kind of transfer some of the relentless pace conveyed in that song to the piece’s plot.

I highly recommend using music to set the mood of your piece while/before you write a piece of any length. It helps get you in the right headspace (excited or somber or angry) to write. You need emotion to write creatively. You can’t just make that happen sometimes; you need a little help.

A couple other things which might help:

1. Leave your house or the space you’re normally in. Go to a cafe and find a nice corner and have a think and a try in there. Sometimes moving to a different space helps you escape cyclical thinking patterns.

2. Write what you want to read. Don’t bother writing for other peoples’ interests; that’ll just bore the shit out of you all over again.

3. Find an atmospheric mood sound to listen to on Youtube or smth (I personally like Rain on a Car Windshield for slightly somber fics, but you might be into ocean storms or dripping caves or whatever).

4. Heat your feet. I don’t know why but I am entirely unproductive when my feet are cold. Maybe this one is me-specific, but whatevs. Heat the feets!

5. If you’re still having trouble just sitting down and pounding the story out, that’s okay! Maybe it’s not ready to be written yet. Maybe you’re not in the right headspace yet. Sometimes that’s just how it is. One story makes its way out in like, a hour, and the next one takes like, months to finally be written. We all work at different paces. We all write for different reasons.

It might help to figure out why you want to write a story before you write it. Like, if its for attention, it’s gonna be hard as hell. But if there’s an idea that you feel like is important or if there’s a mood you’re trying to work yourself into or out of, then that might be a little easier. For example, I wrote a piece called make it work which is about Fogs finding his motivation to be a lawyer and fight for justice when Kavanaugh was confirmed and I felt super helpless in the face of our present justice system. That story kind of wrote itself and it needed to be written, I feel, not just for me, but for others who were feeling just as helpless.

Writing is catharsis in that way. Maybe you just need to find out what you need to wring out of your soul.

Sorry that got very metaphysical. But I do want to stress that getting started and ending a story are the hardest parts of writing them, so you are definitely not alone if you feel like you’re ramming your head into a wall here.

I hope something here helps you, my dear!

#fic #writing advice #fanfiction #managingmischiefsince1988

[votometrash]

Love Choice Review

Okay so I had no idea Masquerade Kiss would be Love Choice, but this title has managed to tempt me into reading it anyway. I can’t say I’m happy about it but there are a lot of things I have to say, since the whole Love Choice (LC) system has been controversial, or just incredibly detested/undesired, ever since its conception. And it does suck since I’ve been wanting Voltage to release more mature titles (and the whole female spy thing was just a plus, I guess). Voltage did a really good job of hyping up this release and I love/hate them for it lmao. But yeah here are my two cents on the LC feature. Sorry for the longass rant in advance. If you only care about my opinion regarding Masquerade Kiss and Kazuomi Shido’s route then you can check out my review later on my blog (if and when I get to it). But I still mention the title here and there in this review since it is the first LC main story that was released.

For most people who have been with Voltage for a long time, LC is probably one of the worst things on the planet, right after the Love 365 app debacle which caused many to lose their stories if they weren’t aware of the transfer dates or not able to transfer their data (technically they’re losing the right/license to access those stories, cause they don’t own them) and all the other customer service horror stories you can think of. Generally, for people who think that converting coins into hearts and not being able to read the story however they want are terrible ideas, they will outright avoid LC titles/stories. Since LC is F2P, it isn’t much different from the other otome/visual novels that have premium options where people have the option to spend money.

But let’s just think about it for a moment.

The appeal of LC is that you can read the stories completely free of charge. Yes, there is a countdown timer which prevents you from reading the next episode immediately and you would have to spend hearts to bypass that. But let’s keep in mind that Voltage Entertainment USA (aka the subsidiary which creates apps catered towards Western audiences) is also doing something similar with the ticket system. Plus they don’t even give you the option to buy routes anymore, which is why we should be thankful that Voltage Inc hasn’t done that with their Japanese apps yet. I just want to make the best of what we are given (and hopefully try to get a little enjoyment out of it), even if LC is terribly implemented.

So just hear me out for a second. A very long second.

If you’re not one of those people who need every single CG and ending AND don’t mind the wait, this post is mainly for you.

PLEASE JUST READ THE DAMN STORY. LIKE READ MASQUERADE KISS RIGHT NOW WHILE THERE IS NO WAIT TIME (until 2/17). It costs you nothing and you will still get a pretty complete experience.  Don’t be stupid and believe that you’re missing out if you don’t get the CG’s. Go look the CG’s up online or something if you have to because I’m sure someone has posted them regardless of whether it’s allowed or not. It has a decent plot that doesn’t make me want to ram my head into a wall from secondhand embarrassment. Sure there are aspects of it that weren’t written well (will be explained in my review later) but it’s still a good story and I don’t regret reading it. It would be a shame to miss out just because you’re too busy hating on the system. If you don’t want to spend your free hearts (or don’t have enough) on CG’s that cost you 20-30 hearts and options that require hearts, just use it towards reading the next couple episodes (for when they go back to subjecting you to wait times). At least you still won’t be using as many hearts. Yeah the CG’s and love choices are hella expensive and they shouldn’t be. It might even feel like you’re being punished for not choosing those choices because in the end you won’t be getting the happy ending. But they’re not NECESSARY. However, if you still want the CG’s/happy endings, just reread it again later when you get enough hearts. I don’t know, that’s not a priority for me so I can wait on unlocking those CG’s. 

From Episode 1 up to the second to last episode, you’re getting the same. exact. content. Let me repeat that. YOU GET THE SAME EXACT CONTENT. The only thing is that you won’t get all of the CG’s or the super happy ending, which are what people are really paying for. Is it really worth it??? Voltage apps don’t have bad endings. They’re either the romantic/passionate alternate endings or it’s happy(or normal)/super happy endings. No endings where it’s game over, you’re dead or oops you screwed up this entire thing. You’re essentially getting the same ending, just a slightly different view of the events. Just more vanilla, if you don’t get the “better” ending. Slightly fewer lines of text, less description. Big whoop. That and well, you don’t get the CG. Too bad. No personal bragging rights for me to put on my metaphorical trophy pedestal. For me, reading the visual novel is the main goal. The art and CG’s are just a plus, a very much appreciate plus. I would care more about the plot because if you are reading a terribly written story, what’s the point in having good art anyways? You look at it for a bit and just move on to something else that isn’t a waste of time.  

And like....come on. If you hate the LC feature, that’s all the more the reason why you should try it. It won’t even hurt you to read the story if you’re adamant on not spending money/converting coins. Even if it’s terribly written, you didn’t pay for it like you would have with a P2P story. No monetary loss there, just lost time and feelings of disappointment. And if you hate waiting or think LC is a waste of time, just think of reading an episode whenever you have time. You don’t have to commit to it. You could speed read an episode in a minute or two and then go on doing whatever else you want to do with your day. It shouldn’t take up that much of your time. And if you forget to, it’s fine. Not something you’ll be too invested in.

They’re not charging you for anything, so suck it up. I’m sure you have other things you can do in the meantime while you wait for the next episode. Your life doesn’t revolve around otome games (unless you’re adopting an unhealthy lifestyle in which case you have more things to be concerned about). Don’t be a whiny bitch about it. And that’s why the hearts system exists... for the impatient people. They WANT you to spend money on their products, since that’s the whole point of running a business. Yes you’re paying for a one-time access when you’re using hearts to read episodes. Yes you have to start over if you want to reread a specific episode. Ultimately it’s up to YOU to choose whether you want to spend money or not for LC stories, but you don’t HAVE to.

Again, I’m emphasizing the word ‘time’ because if you really don’t have time, then seriously just do whatever you’re supposed to be doing jesus christ. Don’t feel like I’m calling you out for not wanting to read LC stories because you don’t have time to wait around for it. I’m not telling you to prioritize LC over Voltage’s other stuff. Just give it a chance if you can afford to do so, because money isn’t the issue here if you can read the story for free. I know people look towards Voltage apps as a way to relax and so that I understand that reading a LC novel would not be a choice if you have limited time. Because why go for LC if you have perfectly good apps that you’ve already paid for and can read whenever you want? I understand. I really do.

In regards to people complaining about Masquerade Kiss being a LC novel, I have a couple things I want to say. Voltage has the right to choose whichever title they want to be LC. Besides, what criteria do you expect them to use in choosing which titles should be LC? It’s not as if they’ll be like “oh let’s choose an okay title to be Love Choice”, just to make customers glad that they don’t have to waste money. That’s not practical. And ideally they wouldn’t want to be writing shitty stories anyway. They need to make money off them or else it’s a waste of all the money and time they invested into producing the title. For the most part, all the newer titles have been decent, if not good. There will be people who love them and people who hate them. So how would you decide the best choice to be LC among all the good titles? And it wouldn’t make sense to make a title both LC and P2P because that would be when people will REALLY start to hate LC, especially when you have to fork out a ridiculous amount of hearts for the CG’s.  Then there will be even more customer complaints yay. Also, if they made it P2P how many coins would they even charge for the whole route, considering how many hearts they have to spend for the CG’s? The CG’s are “free” only if you have enough hearts for those in-game choices that you want to choose, but if you’re paying for them that would mean it’s like $2-$3 per CG. 

Since they announced this feature, it’s here to stay unless they decide to get rid of it (which I doubt). YOU DON’T GET A SAY IN IT. Their company, their products, their choices. They will make whatever choices in which they benefit the most from. Sometimes those choices will align with what customers want. Sometimes they won’t. You don’t like it then you leave. That’s what most people would do anyway. Even if you do leave, there will always be more people getting sucked into the Voltage trap anyways. If you don’t, then you will continue to rot in the sin bin that is Voltage and there goes your money. Sadly, that’s how the world works. 

So yeah if you’re still reading, thanks for reading my very long winded, unpopular (probably) opinion. You’re a trooper. I have respect for you. I’m just here to get this off my chest. Please don’t hate me. 

#review #voltage otome #masquerade kiss #love choice #voltage inc

[woundedheartwithin]

from these dark waters (from this dark world)

Far Cry 5 | Hurk Drubman Jr./Female Deputy | Fluff and Angst

First chapter: prologue Previous chapter: chapter one

For notes and extras, find it here on AO3!

Note: I apologize if Hurk seems a tad out of character here...

chapter two

Bailey’s still weak when John kidnaps her to perform his crazy fucking baptism. He’s nowhere near as stealthy as his brother was, just has his people drive up in a van and grab her like in some lame-ass spy movie, and burns rubber before Hurk can do anything. He pulls his pistol and levels it on one of the rear tires, but they’re out of range too quickly.

Hurk runs back to Bailey’s truck and peels out, first intending to chase them, but realizing almost immediately that they’d gotten too much of a head start. He radios the Sheriff instead.

“Go to Fall’s End and get Pastor Jerome.” Whitehorse barks in reply. “He’s closer to John than I am, he’ll be of more help.”

“Oh my. Mr. Drubman riding in like a knight in shining armor.” John Seed croons suddenly.

“The fuck you doin’ on this channel?” Hurk snarls.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be sure to return her to you shortly. We just have a small matter to clear up.”

“You hurt her and I’ll kill you. You hear me, you sonuvabitch?”

“So protective.” John purrs. “Like I said, we have something we need to discuss.”

There’s no point in replying, so Hurk just grits his teeth and floors it.

He roars into Fall’s End about half an hour later, slamming on brakes and screeching to a halt right in front of the Spread Eagle. Mary May is out the door in an instant, shotgun gripped in both hands and a wild look on her face.

“What the hell, Hurk? What’s goin’ on?” She yells when he opens the door and slides out of the truck.

“John’s got the Dep. The Sheriff sent me to rally the troops.” Hurk replies.

“Damn.” Mary May hisses. “We don’t have a fuckin’ army here.”

“Just need a couple people.” Hurk says, jerking a thumb toward the truck. “All ’a Bailey’s shit’s in there. Weapons, ammo, explosives, the whole kit. Should be enough to arm a few folks. Set up an ambush and get ‘em on their way back to Seed’s bunker.”

“Yeah, okay.” Mary May murmurs, scrubbing her face. “C’mon in. Jerome’s inside.”

“Well, look at that! Hurk Drubman Jr. How ya doin’, kid?” Merle Briggs says when Hurk walks in.

“Been better.” Hurk huffs.

“Damn, if Hurk’s all serious an’ shit, then somethin’ big must be up.” Merle says, frowning deeply.

—

They wait until dark before they start moving, headed toward the river with headlights off. Hurk and Jerome lead the convoy in Bailey’s truck, threading through the valley quickly and carefully.

“That’s where he dunks his victims.” Jerome says quietly when they get close. A white van emerges from the trees then, turning onto the main road and accelerating. “Right on time.”

Hurk floors it, the truck’s engine roaring. He goes off the road and cuts through the woods, breaking through the trees and barreling up onto the road in front of the van. They slam into the van’s front end, the impact bone-shaking, and ram it off the road and down the hill. The airbags deploy, stunning them both for a moment, then they’re out of the truck and bounding toward the van. Hurk’s ears are still ringing when he rips open the backdoors, loud enough to drown out the gunshot that puts down the Peggie that Bailey is grappling with.

“C’mon, Ladybug. I gotcha.” He says, grabbing Bailey’s arm and hauling her upright. She sways on her feet and stumbles, and Hurk grabs her waist to steady her.

“See you went the dramatic route.” She wheezes, clearing her throat and nodding toward her truck. Or, well...what’s left of it.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Hurk replies. “Runnin’ short on roadblocks, and we didn’t wanna tip off the Peggies.”

“I loved that truck.” She huffs.

“I’ll find ya a new one.”

“C’mon. Got a chopper coming for us.” Jerome says.

“Jerome Jeffries, right?” Bailey rasps, removing Hurk’s hands from her waist and taking a shaky step forward. She holds out her hand. “Bailey Correa. I’d been meaning to come say hello before… well, before.”

“Pleasure’s mine, deputy.” Pastor Jerome says warmly, taking her hand and shaking it firmly. “Let’s get out of here first, then we can chat, hm?”

“Yes, sir.” Bailey replies, grimacing. “I might need a little help.”

“That’s what I’m here for.” Hurk says, bumping her shoulder. “Let’s go fuck up some Peggies.”

—

“Goddamn, it is good to see you guys.” Mary May crows when they make it back to town. “Hello, deputy. I’m Mary May Fairgrave, and I am damn glad to see someone finally standin’ up to those assholes.”

“Tryin’ to, anyway.” Bailey says. She lets Hurk help her out of the car they’d taken back into town, and leans heavily on his arm. “I’ve heard good things, Ms. Fairgrave.”

“Please, just Mary May is fine.” Mary May laughs, reaching to shake Bailey’s outstretched hand. “Anything you need, deputy, we’ll get it for you.”

“Call me Bailey. I could definitely use a beer.” She laughs, then elbows Hurk in the ribs. “And a new truck.”

“One beer comin’ up.” Mary May replies warmly. “On the house.”

—

Pastor Jerome approaches Bailey three days later with a strangely guilty look on his face. She and Hurk had been holed up in the Spread Eagle since the baptism incident, and Bailey had spent most of those three days sleeping and eating.

“I’m sorry, deputy. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.” He says in preamble, and Hurk stands from where he’s been camped out on the couch and puts himself between them.

“No way, amigo.” He says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Look at her. She needs a fuckin’ break, man.”

“I know. And I’m sorry to even bring this up. But you’re the only person who can do this, Bailey.” Jerome puts his hands on Hurk’s shoulders and gently moves him aside. “He’s specifically asking for you.”

“Who is?” Bailey asks, sitting up in the full-sized bed Mary May had parked her in.

“A cult soldier. One of John’s Chosen. He wants to defect, and he wants you to help him.”

“And you don’t think this might be a trap?” Hurk huffs, looking at Bailey. “Someone else can do it. You ain’t fit.”

“Shut up, I’m fine.” Bailey retorts. “Where is he?”

“Silver Lake Trailer Park.” Jerome answers, looking relieved.

“We’re going.” Bailey says, throwing the bed covers aside and standing up. She’s wobbly on her feet still, and Jerome winces when she stumbles into the nightstand.

“This is stupid.” Hurk growls. “Which is sayin’ somethin’ comin’ from me.”

“We gotta do it.” She says, looking at him with a pleading look in her eyes. “Maybe if this guy successfully defects, more will do the same. It would save countless lives.”

“Bailey, you can barely stand.” Hurk replies, doing some pleading of his own.

“I’ll manage.” She huffs. “I was training to be a SWAT sniper before I came here. It hasn’t been too long, I should be able to knock the rust off and get my aim back. I can take a position somewhere up high and provide cover while your people get the guy to safety.”

“The general store should have a rifle you can use.” Jerome says, nodding. “I’ll radio the park and tell them you’re on your way.”

—

“Sniper, 200 yards, one o’clock.” Hurk murmurs, watching the Peggie sniper through the spotter’s scope Bailey had literally just taught him how to use.

“One second.” Bailey replies, firing at the last target before adjusting to find the new one. “Could you confirm that one?”

“Yeah, he’s dead.” Hurk chuckles.

A loud gunshot rings through the air, an unsilenced .50 cal, and something slams into the tree they’re taking cover next to about three feet above Hurk’s head. He ducks instinctively and starts to move, but then Bailey hums and takes the shot.

“Confirm?” She asks calmly, and Hurk takes a deep breath and looks through the scope. The dude’s laid out flat, dead as a fucking doornail.

“Yup. Got ‘im.” Hurk replies, looking at her and laughing giddily. “Damn, you are a good shot.” She grins, still looking through her scope, and Hurk takes a moment to appreciate the view. She looks good sprawled out prone like this, the M1 10 marksman rifle slotted against her shoulder like it belongs there, relaxed and loose and natural as she calmly takes aim. Nothin’ quite like watchin’ a beautiful girl with a gun, he thinks fondly.

“Did a few practice sessions with Grace Armstrong before the raid. I had, like, a two week window between Marshal Burke’s arrival and the actual arrest attempt? Maybe a little less. I used it like yoga.” She laughs and glances up at him. If she notices him staring, she doesn’t show it. “Never thought I’d actually have to use it for what it is.” She looks back into her scope, shifting a bit to find the Resistance team, and adjusts her sights. “They’re about to make it to the dock.” She murmurs.

Then Hurk sees movement out of the corner of his eye.

“Shit, Bailey, we got company.” He hisses, turning to face the movement and raising the M16 Pastor Jerome had given him.

“Easy.” She replies. “Take a deep breath, steady, and fire. Okay? Just like hunting.”

Then several Peggies break from the trees all at once and Hurk opens fire, spray and fucking pray.

“Fuck.” Bailey says, picking up the rifle and getting to her knees. She turns and fires a few rounds in the general direction of the Peggies bearing down on them, then thinks better of it and pulls her service pistol instead. Shouting starts below, from the direction of the dock, and Bailey swears again.

“Cover ‘em. I gotcha.” Hurk yells, moving so that he’s blocking her and taking down three more Peggies.

“They just keep coming.” She hisses, but he can hear her turn and lay prone again. “Shit, RPG!”

“What?!” Hurk starts to turn, to see what she’s talking about, and one of the fuckers hits him in the arm. He hisses and turns his attention back to the steady stream of assholes running toward them, and hears a fucking huge explosion behind him.

“No, nonononononono, oh fuck.”

“What’s happening?”

“We gotta move, now.” She snarls. He hears her get up and risks a glance back at her.

“Why, what’s goin’ on?”

“They’re all dead, and I lost the RPG. We’re no longer in control here.” She replies, her tone completely deadpan. “C’mon. Let’s move.”

“What do you mean they’re all dead?” Hurk asks, shooting the last two Peggies that run out of the trees. It’s quiet for a moment, so Hurk turns and jogs to catch up.

“I mean they’re all dead!” She yells, whirling around and jabbing a finger at the dock.

Or what’s left of it, anyway.

The nearby boat house is a starting to catch fire, the dock is completely gone, and there’s nothing but the framework of a burnt out boat sticking halfway out of the water. Bodies are floating nearby. Two are on fire. The round must have hit the boat directly, blowing it up completely.

“Damn.” Hurk says.

“Yeah. Now c’mon. I don’t know where that asshole went.” Bailey replies, turning and jogging down the hill.

—

They’re about halfway back to Fall’s End when the fucking gunshot wound in Hurk’s arm starts to really hurt. The adrenaline in his veins has long since run out, and the ache in his bicep is going from dull to throbbing quickly.

“What’s wrong?” Bailey asks, squinting at him from the passenger seat.

“Nothin.” Hurk answers, staring ahead as he drives one-handed toward Fall’s End. He’s glad it’s his left arm.

“You’re all tense.” She points out. “Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine, Ladybug, don’t worry.” He says, grinning at her. She just frowns deeper, but she lets it go, staring out the windshield with an unreadable expression on her face. “What about you? You okay?”

“Shoulda been able to save him.” She says quietly. “All of them. It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not.” He agrees, glancing at her.

“I’ve been… struggling with the idea that— I don’t know. Never mind.” She huffs and looks down at her hands.

“Don’t do that, Ladybug.” Hurk says gently. “It ain’t healthy. Whatcha been strugglin’ with?”

“Something Jacob said.” She murmurs. “That I leave everyone worse off when I try to help. Maybe I should just get out of the way. I only hurt people.”

“Hey, you gave everybody somethin’ to believe in. Goddamn cult’s been killin’ the party ‘round here. But you’re givin’ everybody hope.” Hurk says, reaching over to grab her hand and trying not to wince when he has to use his injured arm to drive. “And a lot more folks would be dead if you hadn’t come along.”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, I do.”

#Far Cry 5 #hurk drubman jr #hurk drubman jr/female deputy #john seed #joseph seed #jacob seed #faith seed #my writing #deputy correa #long post

[fxikb0ay-blog]

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