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troddensodden · 3 years

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what i immediately think of you based on your favorite fallout 4 companion:

or maybe a better title would have been what i think based on the companion you relate to the most? im not sure that just doesnt have a good ring to it

anyway

- cait: you come across as a violent, or generally brash person, but are good at heart. your violence or harsh tendencies likely have a reason behind them. you probably had something in your past where people who you trusted ended up betraying you, or someone you idolized turned out to be someone completely different. and this had an impact on you, causing you to protect yourself in the easiest way you know—pushing people away. because if you don't have anyone important to you, then you can't go through the same thing again. (or you just like her accent. valid.) just remember, even if some people have hurt you, not everyone will. there are people who care. just let them in. don't be afraid to be vulnerable, that shows that you're truly strong.

- codsworth: you're a pretty sentimental person and struggle to leave the past behind. which, while sweet, may get in your way sometimes. but generally you are a nice person. you like to help people out, but the main source of pleasure you gain from that is the satisfaction of knowing you helped someone, rather than the happiness of just knowing that person was helped. your sentimentality likely originates from some sort of loss, whether big or small. remember, you have people in your corner. you can rely on them.

- curie: either you're into science or philosophy, or you like accents. but most likely you're a pretty sweet person. you like to help people, but it probably ends up being self-sacrificial quite often even if you don't realize it. take care of yourself!! you're important too, the satisfaction of helping other people wont be enough to help you in the long run, and you need to acknowledge that. you probably help people and use that as a scapegoat for someone you weren't able to help well enough, whether that person is you or someone else, and end up overlooking your own needs. prioritize yourself first, allow yourself to be the most important person in your life.

- paladin danse: either you like the military, or you only played the brotherhood storyline so you could have him. also, you probably have some deep-rooted insecurity based in everyone seeing you as different and judging you for it, but you don't do anything to counter it and end up avoiding people as a whole because of it. you may think of other people as too much effort, or too confusing, or generally just not worth it when there are more important things to be done. you look up to those stronger than you, and look down on those weaker than you, and use that to shape yourself. you end up leaving the real you behind, so that maybe other people will think you're just as strong as the people you admire. but you don't have to be strong all the time. its okay.

- deacon: you're secretive. not because you necessarily have anything to hide, but to protect yourself. you may have opened up to someone in the past and then lost them, or been betrayed, and now find it difficult to be honest about yourself. opening up about yourself to anyone is a sign of great trust, and something that doesn't happen often, so you have a hard time doing it at all, but especially after being hurt because of it. you keep your heart close to your chest, and hide it behind humor and lies, because at least you don't have to be honest when you're cracking jokes. a lot of these jokes are probably pretty self-deprecating, a way of venting your struggle without having to truly bare yourself to anybody. but you don't have to lie to keep people around. people will love you just as much if you're true to yourself.

- dogmeat: you're a bit of a lone wolf. whether it's for a serious reason or just a dislike for people, you find it much simpler to be by yourself. you may have trouble trusting people, or even just issues working with people because of conflict. but as much as it may seem easier to just avoid people as a whole, you cant do that forever. if you let people in, and you trust them, they'll trust you too. it will help you out in the long run. (or hey! maybe you just like dogs. thats valid.)

- hancock: you're a very accepting person. you let people open up to you, make yourself a safe space for anyone who might need it. but you don't open yourself up to others, out of fear that maybe they'll see your flaws and leave you. as accepting as you are, you struggle to accept parts of yourself, and assume others wont be able to either. you struggle to think you're good enough, and so instead you make yourself a blank slate in a way, for people to interpret however they want. you disregard yourself, your personality, your past, and try to start anew without actually resolving any of your history. which may work fine for a while, but eventually it will stack up. it never left, you just tucked it away. you need to confront your past before working on the future. accept yourself and others will too.

- maccready: you're also quite a sentimental person, but in another way. you can't leave the past behind, because it changed you. you want things to go back to the way they were, so you can maybe change the way things went, change the things you did, but you can't. furthermore, you find the world immensely unfair, and it is. and as much as you may wish things were different, they arent, and theres nothing you can do now to fix it. whether you want to forget or not, the memories stick with you, and continuously remind you what you "could have done," even if you couldn't truly have changed the outcome. forgive yourself. its okay to remember, but it's not okay to dwell on the past and keep hurting yourself over it. the past happened, but the future is still being built. live your life.

- nick valentine: you're a very giving person, and enjoy helping people. however, you can hold a grudge. whether you or someone important to you was wronged, you won't forget about it until it has been resolved. depending on the severity, a well-done apology can satiate you, but if they did something serious, you won't rest until they get what you think they deserve. not necessarily in a violent sense, but in a general manner. you recognize that the world is corrupt and unfair, and see it as your role to try to bring about some fairness in the world, but sometimes end up stretching yourself too thin. be careful. it's good to care so much about others, but be sure to care for yourself too.

- piper: you likely had to grow up too fast, because of something that happened in your past. because of that, you struggle to truly let loose. you refuse to rely on other people and insist on being self-sufficient, but you also insist on trying to take care of others too, which builds up a lot of stress that you never really learned how to relieve. so instead of taking care of your stress, you absorb yourself in work. additionally, you're very headstrong, and while being persistent is a good thing, it comes back to bite you once in a while. so make sure to be cautious. you need to protect yourself, but you don't need to always be on guard. relax, let loose. you're still young and have life ahead of you.

- preston: you've been at the lowest point in your life and back up again. this low point, though, changed you. the way you thought, the way you acted, the way you cared for people. it changed you, positively and negatively. you've seen and experienced a lot of struggle, and that made you stronger, but it also made you afraid. not afraid of getting hurt, but afraid of not being able to protect those you care about from the strife that you've seen cause the downfall of so many people. you see it as your role to protect people, as something that brings you purpose. you've probably felt that way for a long time though. someone you admired may have gotten hurt and you weren't able to protect them, and you try to make up for it by protecting everyone else. but it's not your responsibility to protect everyone. it's not your fault if you can't. protect yourself first, and find self-worth outside of your work. focus out the present, and everything else will fall into place. its okay to take a break.

- strong: you prioritize yourself over others, to the point where you may end up disregarding other peoples thoughts or feelings because you think yours are more "important." because of this, you are generally a bit judgmental and only think something is worthwhile if it will benefit you. this may originate from some sort of neglect or similar treatment in the past, where you were forces to be self-sufficient. but it is important to be able to prioritize yourself while still being kind to other people. you look down on people who you think are weak, because you were forced to be strong enough to protect yourself. but you should allow yourself to listen to other people, because they'll care about you if you care too. relationships are valuable and important, even if you have only a few of them. be more open to other people, it won't hurt you.

- x6-88: similarly, you may feel a sense of superiority over some people. however, this is likely because you were frequently admired and praised for not showing vulnerability, whether in a physical or emotional sense. you may tend to repress your emotions, out of convenience or fear of having them used against you, which ends up affecting you negatively in the long run for a variety of reasons. for one, emotions will build up, causing stress and general struggle. but also, refusing to open up can harm interpersonal relationships, causing issues with trust, honesty, and more. you may feel relationships aren't worth it, but having people in your corner in a way that's mutually beneficial is very important. vulnerability is a sign of strength, but you were likely taught the opposite, and it's hard to shake something so deeply ingrained. it's a process, but it's worth it. allow yourself to be vulnerable, allow yourself to be protected. you won't disappoint people, it's alright.

#also disclaimer #i wrote this at like midnight so if its messy or inaccurate theres my excuse #another disclaimer i havent ever used some of these companions this is all just based on what i know about them #and for others i was just projecting a lot so sorry if its inaccurate #fallout #fallout 4 #fo4 #fallout companions

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softer-ua · 3 years

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in regards to what you pointed out a few posts ago, ngl one of my least favorite fandom things is when they make Kaminari the Har Har Stupid Joking ADHD Bi Playboy Who Is Never Serious Trope. like, he's very smart, 'worst in ___ area of a UA course' is very impressive and I don't remember if it even said that or just that he was studying with some other students, worried about his grades overall, calls himself stupid with implied insecurities about it, and didn't think he was very smart compared to the other people in the course. quirk overuse makes him loopy, incoherent, and think everything's funny. and yeah, he's a bit of a flirt and made a few perverted comments and actions that he clearly didn't think through that well. I'm pretty sure he's not ever stated to be bi in the manga because it was written by a coward, so I think people should think more about why they're associating and pairing together the idea of "hot flirty playboy who if legally able would sleep with everyone he meets" with emphasis or joke in the captions of whatever the content is on him being bi. I don't think this is inherently bad, even put together, but the execution feels kind of :/ and shallow. and I mainly just wish they'd pause to consider if there's any reason (subconscious or intentional) why one of those makes them think about the other, and at the very least lean back to see if they're blatantly making those traits centric around each other and tweak how they're showing them a little. Part of this is also because it's basically his fanon sexuality, but then they stick together "oh he's bi and everyone thinks that" and "he's made flirty or perverted comments and actions in canon at some point" and then mentally exaggerate and have this Canon Image of him as *waves hand at above* and I don't think that's happening consciously in most cases but. again. Cookiecutter Bi Party Playboy Who's Made a Date Offer to Everyone In The Building. not a flirty Person or a Playboy who is bi and flirts with more than one genders

I myself headcanon him as adhd and while the exact sexuality depends on my mood I think of/have him as bi in a lot of my content, but it's the same thing with why non adhd people see how he acts and label "adhd!" Especially about comprehension speed and derpy acting and intelligence and attention span jokes/tropes. Again, not bad in and of itself, but the specific parts of his behavior that make them think he's adhd, or that they start making jokes about or Ha Ha ADHD'ing, or that they think is why we project ADHD on him, (which they aren't necessarily wrong about, but like right in a really disrespectful look at how funny this is oh look squirrel way that's only funny when adhd people are doing it and it isn't all mocking like that) when they see other people calling him adhd, are the wrong ones, I think, and it shows in their characterization of him.

I'm not saying that any of those traits are bad in a character, but as a queer adhd girl with very high annual test scores and Gifted Kid Intelligence but extremely poor grades, focus, and brain damage (admittedly nothing like his, it was a longterm passive thing that mainly just made me have a Lot of Really Bad headaches, and closest thing it did to me was make me sluggish and emotional on bad days and also techincally have the potential kill my language bit if left untreated or the surgery messed up, which it didn't, and it won't be a problem again. but even after explaining that it wasn't cancer or any sort of tumor, and after seeing it do very little at all to affect my behavior outside of irritability and performance, because y'know, constant migraines, gone after the surgery but this was before that, Certain People I Was Vaguely Kind Of Acquaintances With started to treat my like I was a fragile glass thing going to to drop dead and revive myself speaking like a comic relief cartoon crazy person at any moment which was. patronizing.) I've since had surgery for, the way the fandom combines them into stereotypes and portrays them really just rubs me the wrong way- "Flirty Bi(tm) Playboy" "Har Har ADHD Can't Focus Or Get Things After They're Explained To Him, He's Still Confused And An Idiot" "Stupid Person With Brain Damage Who Can't Take Care Of Or Think For Themself And Acts Stupid And Funny For People To Laugh At" which tbh is super ableist even and especially when people irl do fit that description, and also reminds me of the Autistic Person Freaking Out And Being Dramatic sense of humor. And I know it's not helped by canon, because it done for comic relief and to limit his powers, but explored more I think it as a limitation could have been used way more interestingly than canon did and also call me biased but that quirk induced brain frying sounds at least as concerning as Izuku's quirk's backlash.

And it's a shame!! Because he's so much more interesting than that! Instead, the fandom gives me the Cookicutter Funny Bi ADHD Flirt Who's An Idiot and I am sad about it.

tbh it reminds me of what happened to percy jackson, esp with the ADHD Idiot Trope thing. which sucks because apparently it originated in the author making up stories around characters like his adhd and dyslexic kid inspired by Greek myths to tell him after running out of actual myths because it was his special interest and he wanted more. and then the series got kind of all over the place and the fandom processed that the adhd and dyslexic main character who does dumb things sometimes but is very combat smart and great at strategizing and leading gets bad grades and has trouble focusing and has, y'know, adhd, and made him the ADHD Idiot and erased his Gifted Kid girl friend's traits and ADHD and dyslexia into No Nonsense Calls Him an Idiot And Thinks He's Stupid And Has To Tell Him What To Do And Manage His Life For Him and honestly that just kind of sucks and it reminds me of what happened to fandom Kaminari. and now that I think of it people have jirou like that around him a lot too.

im fine with you answering this publicly if you want or have something to add but probably tag as ableism and maybe a biphobia mention content warning for people who don't have the energy to deal with thinking about those kinds of negative things rn because I kind of Went Off About It

I love this! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences 💚(and double thank you for tag suggestions)💚

I couldn’t agree more that a lot of fandom has messed up Kami’s character, which is why I’ve kinda been posting more about him cause he’s just stuck in my head.

I think a lot of fandoms have trouble with characters like this, people have a hard time with duality in characters and fast/fun posts are easier to make if you flatten a character down.

The did it to Kami, they did it to Percy, they did it to Ron Weasley, they do it to Thor, the list goes on. If being the Smart One ™️ isn’t your thing and you can be goofy than you get pigeonholed into the idiot trope.

I feel for Kami a lot(probably because I have adhd/brain damage too)

It sucks when you’re smart but it’s not the traditional, measurable kind of smart(even if by national comparison Kami technically is).

I got terrible grades growing up, and I pretty much got the absolute lowest gpa you can get and still graduate. But absolutely no one would have known if I didn’t tell them, because I’m not dumb.

(It’s okay if you are “dumb”, I love me a head empty just vibes friend. You’re 100% valid, stil worthy of joining discussions, and should be listened to and taken seriously. This just isn’t about that tho)

I joke sometimes that I’m clever and witty but not smart, because that’s exactly what it feels like.

I have lots of thoughts and ideas that I think I articulate pretty well, I am excellent at finding the humor in things and expressing it in a way that’s funny to others too, and there is almost zero problems I can’t find a work around. And the people in my life love it, and they love to use it.

But eventually everyone in my life finds out that I’m not smart. They see the way I have to pause to Google how to calculate a tip, that I don’t know the name of all 50 states or even where to find them on a map, or I legitimately just can not spell (if you ever see a post where it looks like I used a weird word choice it’s probably because I tried 4 times and autocorrect+Google couldn’t help me and voice to text wasn’t an option)

No one ever questions my intelligence until they find out about my adhd and/or catch me struggling with it. After the mask comes off it’s like they can’t even hear me anymore, nothing I say could be true or matter because I’m now just the goofy accident prone spacy girl. My family literally calls me Spacy

And ya know what sometimes I just let people think that because it’s easier, it’s easier than explaining that I’m dyslexic and that I didn’t have a single geography/history clas until 10th grade and shocker the capital of Iowa doesn’t come up much by then. And it’s easier for me to laugh off losing my keys again than dwell on the fact that sometimes it feels like I’m losing my marbles.

And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if after this post I get a lot more “fact checkers” and push back on anything else I post.(not talking about people who want to genuinely engage,y’all are always welcome, I’m talking those people who don’t wanna look it up themselves but no longer trust me to know what I’m talking about)

Kami is a sweet brilliant boy. He’s in a nationally high ranking school, he loves the weather channel, he’s careful about his quirk that could easily hurt his friends in combat, he has a very high emotional intelligence level, he wears dorky shirts with electricity puns on them, and he pays attention to his friends and remembers a lot of little things about them.

He wants to be a hero and he takes that seriously, and the series has tried time and time again to tell y’all that smiling and laughter are an important part of that. Kami excels at this part! So what if his history grades don’t rival the top of the class, the top 5 students would struggle hard to do what Kami does.

Iida can’t relax, Momos rather shy, Todo struggles with social cues, Midoriya is canonically not funny, and jfc where to even begin with Katsuki. I’m certain they’ll all grow up to be excellent heros in their own right, but none of them are going to bring the level of joy and camaraderie that Denki can. You can’t test that into someone.

Kami also just notices people differently and has any easy way of joining in with them, he doesn’t struggle approaching Katsuki or Shinso. Sure he doesn’t hit the the nail on the head the same way Deku does but he’s the only one who has the guts and skills to try. Also he’s not that kinda friend, he’s not looking to a save these guys but pal around with them

I think Kami 100% realizes what a special case and tough nut to crack Bakugo is, I don’t think he’s just careless or too dumb realize his life’s at stake or whatever.

I think he’s purposely testing Bakugos boundaries all while trying to not be a threat to Katsukis actual ego and calling Bakugo out when he needs it in a way that not to serious. Kami knows how to be just goofy enough that he’s approachable. He’s also keyed in that the way to Bakugo is through Deku, meanwhile everyone else is stuck believing the opposite.

Kami also realized how important music is to Jiro and saw an opportunity to let her display her skills and combin the two worlds she lives, and he wasn’t afraid to get some back lash from her for it.

Like Deku Kami isn’t afraid to be uncomfortable. You really can’t teach that level of social ease, you can teach the posture and feed people a couple of lines but it’ll never hit the same. Funny approachable people have spent a lifetime learning the craft, usually out of necessity.

It’s actually what gives me the biggest adhd vibes from him, because adhd is (speculated to be) a dopamine deficiency disorder. People with adhd are constantly trying to raise their dopamine levels, and that means looking for praise and reward and nothing makes the human brain light up faster than postative human connections.

Adhd children struggle a lot with connecting with peers and often find making people laugh a fast way into people’s circles and makes it more likely people will overlook being interrupted or spaced out on.

Also adhd people are pretty much forced by their own brain structures to be genuine in all they do, low dopamine levels make it very hard to do things you don’t enjoy because there no promise of dopamine from the activity and you don’t have enough to spare, plus impulsiveness makes it really hard to not show when you do or don’t enjoy something.

I agree that Kami is also painted as overly perverted at times, he’s a little flirty but in a fun casual way but it’s not the foundation of his personality and it’s really mellowed out over the course of the series.

And while I subscribe to the bi hc from his interactions with Jiro and Shinso, we should all be very mindful that we don’t lump these characteristics together. The are separate facets of his personality that are not dependent on each other in anyway.

Kami deserves all the respect and love, I can’t wait to see our electric king again 🖤⚡️🖤

#tw ableism #ableism #tw biphobia #biphobia #softy answers #I have a sorta sad one shot about Kami and his quirks effects #should i post it?

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shou-aizawa · 4 years

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drained [dadzawa]

pairings: shouta aizawa & reader

warnings: sleep deprivation

summary: reader has a hard time sleeping and suffers the consequences. dadzawa helps out a lil’.

word count: 1.9k

a/n: alrighty, first post! funnily enough i had a completely different idea for a one shot but my own horrible sleeping habits and exhaustion led to me writing this instead. i’m sure it could be better, after all i wrote it on like.... no sleep, BUT im just happy i got anything written at all!

Y/N could barely keep her eyes open, the need to sleep tugging at her mind persistently and slowing her down. Her movements were heavier, less coordinated; feet dragging along the floor as she walked, nearly dropping her pencil nearly thirteen times in just one lesson. Not to mention her head was aching with no end in sight, a constant thumping at her temples.

It was simple. She was tired. Exhausted. Dead on her feet.

But it wasn’t like she’d stayed awake all night on purpose, god no. She’d laid in bed the night before for hours, tossing and turning, seemingly unable to find a comfortable position no matter how she positioned herself.

By the time five a.m came around, she’d given up trying to fall asleep and chose to get up instead, she had an alarm set for five thirty anyway so what was the harm in getting an even earlier start than usual? It wasn’t the first time she’d done it either, her sleep schedule had been in shambles recently, so it was hard to stick to any solid routine.

She went on a morning jog, breathing in the fresh, morning air and feeling just that little bit more awake. When she got back to the dorms and showered, then fixed herself some breakfast, she was feeling almost normal, as if she’d slept through the night like she was supposed to.

Y/N was foolish enough to let herself be lured into this false sense of security; maybe she would actually make it through the day without much issue, then she could cuddle up in her bed that night and catch up on the sleep she’d missed out on.

Oh how foolish she was.

She lasted maybe three hours into the school day before her lack of sleep began to catch up with her, and her focus crashed. Concentrating on what Present Mic was trying to teach felt gradually more and more impossible. Taking notes? Forget it. Her handwriting was sloppy and the pen just wouldn’t stop slipping out of her fingers.

It was infuriating. Y/N didn’t even realise tears of frustration were pooling in her eyes until one of them dripped down onto her notebook. She gasped quietly in surprise, quickly dropping her pen - on purpose this time - and wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

Once she was sure her eyes were dry, she risked a look around the room. At first glance it seemed as though no one had noticed, but when she looked again, paying more attention this time around, she caught the worried glances some of her friends were throwing her way.

She caught Uraraka’s eye, noticing the worried frown on the girl’s face, and quickly sent a small, hopefully reassuring smile her way. Uraraka didn’t seem exactly convinced… or did she? Honestly Y/N was struggling to decipher the expression on her friend’s face, and decided to just turn back to Present Mic’s lecture, picking her pen back up with a shaking hand.

She could do this. All she had to do was get through the rest of this class, lunch, training, homework, then she could finally sleep. It’d be fine. Definitely.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl from that point on. What Y/N could’ve sworn was an hour, turned out to just be ten, agonising minutes. When the class was finally dismissed for lunch, she packed her notebooks away, only to have one slip from her grasp and fall to the floor with a dull thump, some of the pages crumpling in the process.

She cursed under her breath, reaching down to pick it up, only for it to be lifted by someone else. Could she not do anything by herself?! She glanced up with a frown and was met with the concerned looks of her friends. It was now that she noticed the classroom was practically empty save for her and her friends, and a couple other stragglers. When did time suddenly decide to go faster? It didn’t seem exactly fair.

“Here you go!” Midoriya said quickly, attempting to straighten some of the notebook pages out before handing it back to Y/N. She blinked, then took it carefully, making sure to keep a tight grip on it as she slotted it into her backpack between her other books.

“Thanks,” she said, surprised at how quiet her voice was, but deciding not to dwell on it and instead zipping her backpack up and slinging it over her shoulder before standing up. “I should be more careful, I guess,” she added with a shrug, forcing a chuckle that apparently did nothing to ease her friends’ worry.

“Are you alright, Y/L/N?” Iida spoke up, tilting his head slightly with the question, his brow furrowed with concern more than anything. She couldn’t look that bad, right?

It took her a second to think of a reply. “Me? I’m fine! Why wouldn’t I be?” She said, a nervous laugh following the answer. “You know what I am as well as fine? Hungry. That’s what. Let’s go to lunch already!” She announced, forcing what she hoped was some sort of brightness into her tone, then making her way towards the classroom door.

“I saw you, uhm, crying.. In class earlier,” Uraraka said as she and the other two followed. “Just got a little worried, that’s all,” she smiled slightly, and Y/N felt a pang of guilt for making her friends worry.

“Oh- yeah, that. I just got a bit of dust in my eye, I think,” she said over her shoulder as she walked down the hallway. “I’m sorry for worrying you,” she added, smiling apologetically.

Once again, her friends didn’t seem convinced and Y/N had to wonder if she was really such a bad liar. Not like it mattered. She would be fine by tomorrow, she just had to get through today! She was sure that if she just got some food in her, she would get just enough energy to actually make it through.

Oh boy, was she wrong.

Lunch had gone fine, Y/N had managed to choke some food down and even join in the conversation at her table. She still got the odd worried glance, but she hardly even noticed. For just a little while, she felt better, less… well, dead.

And then training started.

It wasn’t anything that she would usually have a problem with; just some sparring with her classmates. But the problem was she just couldn’t keep up. Her blocks were sloppy, her punches weak, and all the while, a strong headache thrummed in her temples, making her feel as though at any moment she would just lose her lunch.

Not wanting to back out, however, she kept going with training, trying to push herself to be quicker and make herself look less pathetic than she currently did. Her headache seemed dead set on stopping her though, getting stronger with each passing minute.

She was paired up with Kaminari when it all just got too much. In all honesty, the blond kicked her ass. Y/N just lacked the strength to keep herself upright, nevermind raising her arms to attempt any kind of defense, she still tried, she couldn’t just give up so easily.

She’d just smacked one of Kaminari’s punches away, and was taking a second to catch her breath, when his fist came flying back, landing right on her cheek. The impact shook her and she stumbled back, tripping over her own feet and landing on the mat heavily. The pain in her head seemed to double- no, triple, and when she tried to move, to get up, her body barely responded.

“What’d you do, Kaminari?!”

“What do you mean ‘what did I do!?’ I just did what-”

Some part of Y/N knew that she should open her eyes, try to reassure everyone that she was fine, but the rest of her was just relieved to be lying down, to finally be getting some rest. The last thing she remembered was someone calling her name, and a hand on her shoulder, then she slipped into unconsciousness, getting the rest she desperately needed.

When she opened her eyes again, the first thing she saw was a stark white ceiling. She felt a lot more comfortable than she last remembered being, and glancing down at herself she realised she was tucked into one of the beds in Recovery Girl’s office. She was mostly confused, wondering how she’d gotten there and, more importantly, what had happened.

Someone cleared their throat next to her and Y/N immediately sat up and glanced over, eyes wide in surprise. She let herself relax just a little when she saw it was just Mr Aizawa. Emphasis on ‘a little’.

“Mr Aizawa, sir!” She said, coughing a little afterwards, her throat felt way too dry. Her teacher held out a bottle of water, and she took it after a moment’s hesitation, uncapping it and taking a couple small sips. “I- what happened?”

“Sleep deprivation,” the man said simply, and Y/N had a feeling he was familiar with the symptoms himself. “You pushed yourself too hard on too little sleep, and ended up getting knocked unconscious by Kaminari.” He paused. “You gave him a bit of a scare, he thought he’d killed you with that punch.”

The fuzzy memories Y/N had became a little clearer, and she lowered her gaze, fidgeting with the blanket.. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think it would get so out of hand.”

Aizawa gave her a questioning look, and after a moment she continued.

“I’ve just- haven’t been able to sleep too well recently,” she mumbled. “Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep, that kind of stuff. I had a bad night where I just didn’t get to sleep at all and- I thought I could just take a nap after school or something, I felt fine for a while, so I didn’t think it’d be so bad.”

“You can’t push yourself like that, Y/L/N.” Aizawa said, his voice seeming to take on a more gentle tone. “Getting enough sleep is important, it should be a priority. So if you’re struggling to sleep, talk to someone about it; me, Recovery Girl, any of the teachers, really. We’re here to help you after all. Got it?”

Y/N nodded after a moment, taking a deep breath. “Got it. Thank you, Mr Aizawa.”

He nodded too, reaching out and giving her shoulder a comforting squeeze before standing up. “Recovery Girl’s going to keep you on bed rest for a while, just until you can get that sleep cycle of yours back in order. I’ll have one of your friends bring you notes from the classes you missed today so that you can catch up whilst you’re here.”

Y/N frowned, processing that. “Wait- What do you mean- how long was I out for?”

“Just under twenty-four hours, give or take.”

She groaned, mostly out of annoyance at the fact that she now had to play catch up. Aizawa chuckled slightly.

“Don’t stress yourself out, Y/L/N,” he said. “You’ll get back up to speed no problem. For now, just focus on resting, alright?”

Y/N nodded, then watched Aizawa leave. Once alone, she couldn’t resist wrapping herself up in the cozy blankets and letting her eyes slip shut again, drifting off to sleep in a much more peaceful manner this time around.

#mouse writes #bnha #boku no hero acadamia #my hero acadamia #dadzawa #planotnic #whump #bnha oneshots #bnha imagines #shouta aizawa #eraserhead #reader insert #reader #aizawa & reader

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bastardnev · 6 years

Text

That Guy Next Door -- Chapter 2

this chapter was supposed to be up Hours Ago why am i only able to post it now, i think im gonna start posting each chapter on here in the mornings before i go out because this is getting Ridiculous

ANYWAYS here’s the second chapter!! hope y’all enjoy it

tagging @tylerblacks @joonhobi @rivela @aliciasfox @sailor-slam-dunk @kidvoodoo @smolsammich @simulated-heat @douglas-leon-michael (lemme kno if you wanna be on my nev/moose tag list!!)

(link to ao3)

Prev.: Ch. 1 ♡

At first, Neville didn’t even realize what he was doing.

It had all started while he was sitting at his desk in the office, making a phone call to one of the higher ups and informing him of the meeting he was having later in the week. He dreaded whenever he would have to call this specific person. There was always something wrong with whatever Neville did for him — Neville would have some paperwork on his desk at 8:33 instead of 8:30 and that would be worth a lecture, he would complain that the day for a certain meeting didn’t work even though he had told Neville that it was the best time. No matter what he did or how hard he worked, nothing was ever right.

Once Neville had gotten an earful and hung up the phone twenty minutes later, he went to work correcting his latest ‘mistake’, searching for a more appropriate time. This time he was told to put the meeting on a Wednesday instead of a Thursday — God only knows what mysterious circumstances will force these plans to once again fall through. Unfortunately, that upcoming Wednesday was already full, so it was going to be put off even further. All for what? So this guy can cut out early again? Neville wished he was high enough in standing so that he could constantly leave early without any sort of punishment.

It was right as Neville was about to schedule the meeting for the following week that he found himself lost in thought. It wasn’t unusual for him to start daydreaming during work, especially when the task he was saddled with was as ridiculous as the one he was currently dealing with was, but this time was different. The subject wasn’t as typical as it usually was, not about something Wade said or what the girls did or what happened on a show he’d been watching the night before.

What does Mustafa do for a living?

Neville didn’t see anything wrong with wondering something as simple as that. Mustafa had been home a few days prior when Neville had gone to retrieve the girls’ ball, so clearly he didn’t work on Fridays. Maybe he’s a secreta-- administrative assistant too? That would explain the day off on a Friday. If this were the case, then did this mean that Mustafa worked in the same office building as him? He never recalled seeing him anywhere — perhaps he was on one of the lower floors?

No, that couldn’t be right. Mustafa had offhandedly mentioned working with children during their conversation. Neville’s job didn’t involve any children (unless you want to count his co-workers whenever the coffee machine was broken), so that theory was out.

Could he be a teacher, maybe? That seemed like a logical answer — it was a job that involved children, and since it was summertime it would explain why he wasn’t working. What school did he work for? Neville definitely would have remembered seeing him at dismissal when he went to pick Jen and Daisy up. He made a mental note to talk to the girls later that evening once he got home and see if either of them recognized him from their school.

Just as he finished that thought, however, he suddenly remembered that he had a job of his own that he needed to do. Neville hurriedly went back to working, making the almighty meeting official for next Wednesday and preparing himself for the next round of complaints that he was sure to get.

Neville pulled into the driveway of his home with a broad grin on his face. He was quite proud of himself for actually managing to avoid the rush hour traffic. He didn’t even have to leave a few minutes early — the roads were unusually clear despite the time of day. Chances are he wasn’t going to get that lucky again for quite awhile (if ever again), so he savored the moment while it lasted. And Wade didn’t think it was possible for me to actually get home at a decent time… Neville mused to himself. God, I love proving him wrong.

This moment of pride turned out to be short lived once he remembered that being home earlier meant that he was able to cook dinner that night. Son of a bitch…

It had become a running joke in the house that he was a mediocre chef at best, so he wasn’t looking forward to the teasing that he was bound to receive once he set foot in the kitchen. What should it be tonight? Neville tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he contemplated his options. Whatever he made, it had to be something so simple that not even he could mess it up (which would prove to be quite the challenge seeing as he was completely inept when it come to cooking). Wonder if I’ll be able to use the microwave without it blowing up in my face.

As he went to remove the keys from the ignition, he saw that the lights were on in Mustafa’s house. Seeing as it was around dinner time, he figured that his neighbor was probably right in the middle of cooking, and his mind began to wander again.

I wonder how good of a cook he is. He wondered if Mustafa struggled in the kitchen as much as he did. Or perhaps he was actually quite skilled? Then again, Neville was exceptionally bad — the kind of person who would burn cereal if it were possible, so someone making a halfway decent meal was still better than whatever Neville made on his best night.

Either way, Neville didn’t have time to be dwelling on what Mustafa was getting up to, and he exited the car, already planning what he would get when he and the rest of his family would inevitably end up ordering takeout.

Neville had a perfectly good backyard, so why did Daisy and Jen insist on playing out in the front of the house?

They had both assured him that they would be fine, that they would run back inside the moment they thought they saw someone acting suspicious, but Neville still wasn’t completely sold, protective parent that he was. As such, on that Friday he set up his laptop in the living room so that he could keep an eye on them.

Work was proving to be the same nonsense as always — disagreements about times, pointless conversations where the participants forgot to remove Neville from their email exchanges, the usual. Doesn’t anybody have a job that they need to do? Neville thought, taking a pretzel out of the bowl that was sitting next to his laptop on the coffee table and popping it in his mouth. Or literally anything else besides distracting me?

At one point he had gotten up to go into the kitchen to refill his glass of water. As Neville was returning to the living room, he paused in front of the window to check on the kids. Before he even realized what he was doing, his gaze shifted to the house next door, where he noticed that Mustafa was standing outside on his porch. He was looking at the mail he had gotten that day, his brow furrowing. Even from his home Neville could still clearly make out the bright colors of the tacky junk mail that he received all the time. Not even he’s safe from that bullshit, huh?

Neville watched as Mustafa’s tongue poked out from between his lips as he focused on the envelopes in his hands, a slight breeze causing a strand of his hair to fall in his face. Neville couldn’t help but find himself staring at him, wondering if he was going to fix his hair or just let it hang. He had to admit that he did look good like that…

He received another email at that moment, his laptop making the all too familiar notification sound and snapping Neville out of his little daze. What the hell am I doing? Neville shook his head, scurrying back over to the couch. There wasn’t much time left in his shift, but he still couldn’t afford to be dawdling. He had work to do and pointless office gossip to read about. Now wasn’t the time to be thinking about his neighbor’s hair.

“Nev, could you do me a favor and grab me something from the grocery bag that I left by the front door?” Wade asked, standing at the stove and putting on a pot of water as he worked on that night’s dinner.

“Okay. Why didn’t you bring the bag in earlier, though?” Neville asked, standing up from the kitchen table.

“Because that was the bag that had the candy I bought for the girls in it. Jen insisted on looking through it right then and there. I never actually went back to get it.” Wade looked over his shoulder at him. “It’s got the box of spaghetti that I need.”

“Hope she wasn’t eating too many sweets before dinner… She’ll spoil her appetite.”

“God, Nev, you’re so boring sometimes.”

“Hush.”

Neville sauntered out into the hallway and spotted the brown paper bag sitting next to the front door, which was left partially open. Approaching it revealed that Jen and Daisy had once again decided on playing out on the front lawn. Neville wanted to be annoyed that they hadn’t asked for permission, but he decided to let it go and focus on what he’d been sent there to do.

He crouched down and began to dig around inside of the bag. Sure enough, there were many candy wrappers sitting inside of it. She’ll probably be too full for dinner now… Neville noted as he took one of the shiny wrappers in his hands. He shook his head and pushed them aside, finding the box of spaghetti sitting at the bottom and tugging it out.

“Whole wheat pasta?” Neville muttered under his breath as he read the label on the box. And Wade has the nerve to call me “boring”.

Neville turned to walk back to the kitchen when he suddenly stopped short in front of the window. Mustafa was in the middle of taking his garbage out to the curb. What’s he been up to all day? Neville didn’t recall seeing him leave his house at all that afternoon. Could he still be unpacking?

Neville noticed that he was wearing a hoodie — a dark green one that was entirely too big on him, no less. He couldn’t help but smile at how baggy it was on him, how he had to keep pulling up the sleeves to keep it from covering his hands. Why wouldn’t he wear something that was actually his size? And why’s he wearing a hoodie in the middle of August? It was oddly charming.

“What are you doing?”

“Huh—” Neville gasped, spinning around and finding that Wade was now standing directly behind him. “Jesus, Wade, don’t scare me like that!”

“You mean to tell me that you didn’t hear me coming? I was calling your name. You were taking an eternity, so I had to come find you.” Wade smirked. “Though now I understand why you were taking so long. You were just so lost in thought looking at the cutie next door that you didn’t even notice me.”

“Oh, wipe that look off your face, would you?” On the list of things that Neville wasn’t interested in looking at at that moment, it was the cocky expression that Wade always had on his face whenever he felt he’d been proven right. Neville turned away and went back to looking outside, focusing his attention back on what Mustafa was doing.

“And there you go again!”

“What? What am I doing that’s so wrong?”

“You keep gawking at him.”

“So?” Neville turned back around to face Wade if only to get him to shut up about his staring. “I’m just curious about Mustafa. I barely know him.”

“So why don’t you go talk to him then? Learn some more about him.”

“You know I can’t just do that. Do you have any idea how weird it would be if I randomly went over to his house and started asking him questions about his personal life? I’d rather speculate than do that. It’s less awkward that way.”

“Oh, Neville…” Wade sighed. “You’re impossible sometimes, you know that?”

“I do.” Neville handed over the box that he was still holding, pressing it against Wade’s chest. “Don’t you have cooking that you should be doing?”

Wade looked down at the box for a moment before slowly taking it from him, his gaze now focused on something outside. “So…” He began. “Let’s just say that the perfect opportunity for you and — Mustafa, you said his name was? — to talk arises. Would you take advantage of it?”

“I mean…” Neville crossed his arms, shrugging. “Yes, I suppose I would. But that won’t happen.”

“Are you sure about that? Because I think you might have a chance right now.”

“What makes you say that?”

“See for yourself.” Wade gestured to the window.

Neville furrowed his brow before turning back around, eyes widening. He was so distracted with Wade that he hadn’t been keeping an eye on the girls — they were both smiling and giggling as they shared a conversation with Mustafa about God knows what. “How long-- How long have they been talking?” Neville asked, transfixed by what he was looking at.

“Only a few minutes. They look like they’re having a pretty good time too.” Wade rested his chin on top of Neville’s head. “Maybe you should go see what’s up? Go see what they’re talking about.”

Neville chewed on his lip. He hadn’t expected that his excuse to talk to Mustafa again would sneak up on him so suddenly. What does he even say? Does he just ask what’s going on and then leave? Or does he stop to talk for a few more minutes? If he did the latter, then what would they talk about?

“Well?” Wade asked after a moment. “They look about ready to part ways. What do you say? You gonna do it or what?”

“I…” Neville said, nodding. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to go see what they’re up to.

Wade chuckled, patting his shoulder. “Go get ‘em, kid.”

Neville was left by himself in the hallway after that, Wade having retreated back into the kitchen, and he sighed. There wasn’t any backing out now, otherwise Wade would never let him hear the end of it. Well, here goes nothing…

He opened the door and went outside, heading over towards Mustafa and the kids and beginning to listen as parts of their conversation became clearer. “And she was the one who threw it!” Daisy said with a smile, pointing to her sister.

“And you were the one who made it go over the fence!” Jen insisted. “Trust me, it was all her fault.”

“Girls, are you still talking about this?” Neville asked, prompting the three of them to look at him. Neville couldn’t help but notice that the smile on Mustafa’s face had grown wider upon his arrival, and he smiled back before saying, “That was over a week ago.”

“But Mr. Mustafa should know about what Daisy did!”

“It’s your fault for throwing it!” Daisy said.

“It’s your fault for hitting it so hard!” Jen argued right back.

“Neither one of you are to blame,” Neville interrupted.

“So who’s fault is it then?”

“It’s, uh…” Neville clicked his tongue, thinking for a moment before continuing with, “My fault. I should have bought a house with a higher fence. Sorry ‘bout that.”

Both girls looked at him with frowns on their faces, though perhaps the reaction that had the biggest impact on Neville was Mustafa’s little snort. He couldn’t help but feel oddly proud knowing that he’d amused him.

“But Daddy,” Daisy said, “if you’d bought a bigger fence then you wouldn’t be able to see over it! You’re so short.”

Neville’s face went red, the sound of Mustafa laughing again causing him to grow even more embarrassed. “I’d find a way. Anyways, why don’t you two head inside and wash up? Wade’s getting dinner ready.”

“I’m not hungry,” Jen protested.

“He’s making spaghetti and meatballs.”

“...Actually? I changed my mind. I’m hungry now.” She skipped off towards the house, Daisy following close behind her.

Neville watched them go before looking at Mustafa, who was still smiling. “Uh… Kids, amiright?” He laughed a little nervously. “They just say the darndest things.”

“They’re cute, though,” Mustafa replied. “Jen looks a lot like you.”

“You think so? Everyone always says she looks more like her mother.”

“Well, I haven’t met your wife yet, so I can’t really compare.”

Neville felt himself tense up. “Actually, I’m… not married.” He scratched the back of his head, laughing a little nervously. “Not anymore, at least. We, erm, separated a few years ago.”

“Oh.” Mustafa’s eyebrows raised. “I’m sorry, I just assumed you were still together. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Don’t worry about it, you had no way of knowing.” Christ, why did Neville even bring that up in the first place? Mustafa wasn’t interested in hearing about his love life. He shouldn’t be dumping his relationship baggage on someone who was essentially a stranger.

They both fell silent. Neville was beginning to think that maybe he’d made a mistake sticking around for so long -- the conversation had become awkward, as he’d predicted. He had been given the opportunity to speak with Mustafa again, and he royally screwed it up. Way to go, Neville… You’ve really outdone yourself this time.

Mustafa cut him off his train of thought by saying, “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think you’re all that short.”

Neville laughed at that. “Gee, thanks. I don’t know why Daisy even said that.”

“I think she just likes to mess with you. It’s what kids do. I deal with kids like that all the time.”

“Oh? Do you have any of your own?”

“No, no. I work with them. I’m a teacher. First grade.”

“First grade? Oof.” Neville involuntarily shuddered. “I only have to deal with one first grader around here. I can’t imagine a whole class full of ‘em.”

“It’s fun, though. They, uh, always keep me on my toes.” Mustafa smiled a little sheepishly. “Never know what they’re gonna get up to next.”

“That’s pretty much what it’s like in my house. Just last week they were fighting over chicken tenders.” Neville clicked his tongue. “I didn’t realize that food could be so controversial.”

“Oh it definitely can be. Just this past spring two kids got into a fight over a pack of fruit snacks. In Noah’s defense they were his, but… he did say he would share them.” Mustafa shrugged. “It was a big mess.”

“Sounds like it. Y’know, I wanna say that fighting over food is a kid thing, but now that I think about it I’ve seen people in the office bust out some pretty brutal insults if it means getting the last donut.” Neville smirked. “Little did they know that while they were all fighting I snuck in and took it.”

“Ooh, sneaky!” Mustafa playfully nudged his arm. “You don’t strike me as being the type. You seem too good natured for that.”

“Pardon my language, but I can be a real bastard sometimes. Just ask Wade. He knows all about it.”

Mustafa’s brow furrowed. “Wade is…?”

“My friend. He lives downstairs, helps me with the girls sometimes. He’s a bit of a loser, but he’s a nice guy all things considered. He’s helped me through some rough times.”

“Okay, so he’s your friend.” There was a weird look on Mustafa’s face -- relief? Neville wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. “Just wanted to make sure.”

“Why? Is there something wrong with him being my friend?”

“No, definitely not! I just wanted to be one hundred percent sure that he was only your friend before… Well…”

“Well what?” Neville quirked up an eyebrow. Where’s he going with this…?

“I was just wondering… Are you free--”

“Nev!” Right before Mustafa could finish talking, Wade suddenly appeared in the front door, and both men looked at him. “I need you for a second.”

“For what?” Neville couldn’t quite place why, but he was suddenly filled with the urge to punch Wade in the face.

“I need help with dinner. Daisy keeps offering to help, but I don’t trust a six year old around a stove. Then again, you’re not much better, are you?”

“Wade!” Neville was expecting Mustafa to laugh at his expense again, but when he looked over at him he realized that he was actually staring down towards the ground, his face flushed. “I’ll be with you in a minute.”

“Don’t take too long. You know I’m not good at fending off small children.” Wade hurried back inside, leaving Mustafa and Neville alone again.

Neville looked back at his neighbor, clearing his throat. “I’m… I’m sorry for him. He has poor timing.”

“Yeeeeah.” Mustafa laughed, though it didn’t sound like a very happy laugh. “He really does.”

“What were you going to say?”

“Uh… nothing. It’s not important.” He shook his head. “Now’s not the best time to talk about it anyway. You should probably go help Wade out before the girls beat him up.”

Neville swallowed, inexplicably sad, his mouth dry. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll, uh, see you around?”

“Yeah.” He grinned. “I’ll see you, Adrian.”

Neville nodded at him before walking back towards his house. No matter how much he tried to will it away, this unusual feeling of dissatisfaction sat heavily in his stomach like a rock.

#neville #adrian neville #mustafa ali #wwe fanfiction #mustafa x neville #jess.txt #once again i Apologize to the good folks on mobile #the read more was working before i posted it but for some reason it just. Deleted Itself

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thekintsukuroikid · 6 years

Photo

November 12th 2017 4:11am

Tofino is never worrying about running out of battery life, or the gas tank. Or atm service charges.

It’s is an odd place. Living on the mainland you get hit with the same cold and rain and you learn pretty early on how to shelter yourself in the rat race, to keep busy until the clouds roll through. Tofino is this weird anomalous places where people travel here for the express reason of running headlong into the rainy cold. Duh, the waves are better for surfing and storm watching. It’s weird being this close to the ocean. You’re surrounded by it here, you can hear it from the dead middle of town. It’s dark, cold and can swallow you up, and yet here we are grabbing neon coloured boards and wearing goofy rubber suits and paddling away from shore. Standing up, riding it. There’s a metaphor there somewhere I think. A really lame one. Suffice to say Tofino is the setting where I’ve always been most comfortable with entertaining feelings of optimism, they linger in my mind a little bit longer here, there aren’t a lot of things here that can take them away. And yet standing here alone on this beach I still wonder what it would be like to walk into the water and let the water I love so much fill up my lungs. To finally feel the tension unclench and release.

A girl bought me a drink and told me how happy she was that everything about this place wasn’t like home.

I agreed.

this trip was really about running away.

The band getting to create beautiful music for people to enjoy on a Saturday night, Thats pretty amazing right?

I remember how hard learning 3 chords was and thinking how weird it must be to be able to do so much more but the peak of your musical ambition is playing for my drunk ass.

—

I met a girl at the merch table. She was kind and she was pretty and in our conversation about the logistics of fitting a surfboard on a motorcycle I noticed her biting her lip…and looking at mine…and exhibiting every universal sign I could think of to express a “shut the fuck up and let’s make out already” sentiment–

“All I could do was wonder how much she’d have to know about me, to hate me as much as I do.”

This isn’t me. I’m so tired of this

I’ve been diagnosed with clinical major depression.

atleast I think thats what its called, I kinda zoned out when I hear it.

I’ve known that somethings been wrong forever but I’ve never had it named by someone else before. I’ve never been in a position where I could go out and really do that. I’ve been getting help for months but this weekend was the first time I’ve been able to process it all. 2 doctor’s a therapist and a councillor. 4 different opinions. The same mdi-10 depression index score. How it works is, 20 is dysthemia or mild depression and 25+ is no bueno moderate depression. 30+ is major depression. I figured I’d be around 18-19 with my shiny psych degree and my practicing of mindfullness and understanding of CBT and readings of Dr. Marsha Linehan and Brené Brown.–-

I got a fucking 38.

Of all the fucking tests to ace I sure know how to pick em lol.

Talk therapy’s helped narrowed it down, where In reality I’ve likely been dealing with this for over a decade. I could have and likely should have gotten help when I was in early highschool/late middle school. The fact that I’ve never been on medication pretty deeply concerns my therapist. I still don’t know if I want the pills, I stare at the prescription sometimes and wonder what the sweet fuck I’m going to do. It’s hard to plan things in a pros and con’s type of scenario with brain altering chemicals, like its not like theres a frame of reference or anything. I’ve always been getting by with habits and discipline. Reading ahead, doing homework early in case I sleep through my classes again. Never letting anyone get close enough to be in a position to judge you. Never be vulnerable. You’re not cool enough to have baggage.

It’s not like I’m like this all of the time. I have good days, mostly when I’m around other people, even strangers. It’s when I’m by myself for too long that it starts to creep into my mind, a little voice getting progressively louder and more persuasive. I Have fun by remembering what it’s supposed to feel like and selling it to everyone who can see me. This isn’t the stereotypical 3am negative thoughts, I mean those happen too but its more like 3pm, in the middle of my group of friends laughing, just getting hit with this whole body feeling of dread and trying to crack a joke anyway. I then follow this with sullen, silent car rides home or 45 minutes sitting on the shower floor wondering if I’ll always feel this numb?

That’s the worst part…the numbness of it all. Losing hours in the day to this thing that I can’t even really describe. I never get mad or sad or happy just attenuated, dulled versions of these emotions. I’m scared of heights, like really fucking scared of heights but I learned to rock climb because fear hits me in such a meaningless way now. This is such a weirdly strong biological component. I feel like I can never move forward to create myself because I’m always looking back, trying to get back to how I used to feel. That’s the one thing I know is missing, that sense of self that guides my decision making. I’ve never been able to go with my gut, the kind of spontaneity and passion and creativity that comes with that, Instead Its always minimize the damage, lower the risk. I feel inadequate in every measurable and measurable way, to the point of it being physically crippling.

I’ve been really fucking good at hiding this. Its the thing I’m honestly the most proud of, which is a bit counterintuitive. It’s allowed me to flip something that feels so intrinsically selfish and allowed me to keep focus on the people that are important to me. It’s allowed me to learn some really important lessons about friendships and relationships, coping and empathy, all without the vulnerability of facing those things head on. Depression to me, at least the way that i’m doing it (which I know is the wrong way to think about it) is this selfishness I don’t want to indulge.

There is massive guilt with this. I have so much. I have taken so much time, love, energy, money from the people in my life and I feel like I am and I have so little to show for it. That I am a highlight in every worst way, of the differences between what is good and what is just nice. but the thing is I’m starting to realize that this thing, this depression thing it couldn’t give less of a shit about how you rationalize it, its taken better people than me, I’ve seen it first hand.

For me this thing hits two-fold. Its the physicality of these symptoms I can no longer ignore or fight through. Messed up eating schedules, sleeping too much or too little, missing classes, being late to events or appointments and just constantly feeling zoned out, in a daze.

On the mental side of it, its been management. I’ve been in a dark place for a long time and my diminishing ability for me to manage these mental health symptoms means that I feel increasingly less equipped to take on this complete feeling of stagnation. This shit takes work. It’s like im trying to carry a weight with broken arms and no cast. It’s a feeling that even if I had an opportunity, job or otherwise, I lack the tools and the self belief to actually be and do what I want. It is such a weird sensation to feel the slide from wondering how to make it by 30…to wondering about making it to 30.

I Try to work hard to be grateful and find the joy in things. I spend my days trying to bridge the gap between the humility of recognizing this reality, with the ego of thinking I deserve better. I mean maybe this is as good as it gets? Maybe some people just spiral. I hope that isn’t me, I don’t want to see how far this rabbit hole goes, I don’t want to become what its trying to make me become, I think thats why I work so hard to keep being extraverted. I try to be around my friends, especially if I know that they have it a lot worse or are facing a difficulty. Being empathetic to what they’re dealing with makes you feel like a bit of a daft jerk for dwelling your own bullshit. That used to keep things quiet long enough. Then again you don’t win a fight by closing your eyes.

—

I went to the bar in Tofino where I bought my first legal drink and I thought about all the drinks I’ve had since then. I got hit with this really intense feeling of dread. Not that I had wasted all that time in those 5 years, Worse still, That I’ve never truly had the ability to truly appreciate all the amazing things that have happened since then.

Even if I couldn’t feel it I wanted to do the logical work towards getting out of this. I learned really early on to focus not on building a resume but on building a eulogy. To live a life well lived. To do things not for the spoils but for the man I’d become in the pursuit.

In the 5 year since I’ve been back to Tofino, I’ve hated that man. I still hate him. I am so much of what I told myself I’d never be: alone, weak, and of little consequence. I��ve tried everything to fix that man and I still can’t explain where that process went wrong. I’ve tried to surround myself with people who I love. But never letting them get close enough love me because of a combination of never feeling like I deserved it and never wanting to be burned or betrayed for being vulnerable.

I don’t know if I can really get better I don’t really know what better is. But trying has to be better than this. Thats the funniest bit about this, I don’t even think I can really imagine what better would be like, what the absence of all this would feel like.

I just know that there is more than this…that maybe I can be more than this.

I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.— Anaïs Nin, The Diary Of Anais Nin,

I want to make all of this mean something. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. I just know that I could set myself on fire to keep others warm. If I couldn’t feel wanted, or that I deserved to be wanted I could at least make people comfortable. I never knew there was a difference between happiness and the distraction from sadness. I would just connect to benevolence. I’d try volunteering, donating time and money partly because I enjoy those things, but deep down in a small way it was also an attempt to try reconciling the diminishing potential I felt. If I kept doing the right things, things would turn around, that I could out work this thing I was fighting. It was all just heading to nowhere, I realized I could get hit by a car tomorrow and nobody would know this truth about me, the uphill clawing. I think now I want to turn this pain into something tangible for myself and others.If this is rock bottom I want to look around, I want to carve my name in the rock beneath my feet and remember what this feels like. I never want to know it first hand again. Maybe this is that first step. Who the hell can see forever but maybe I can just win tomorrow.

— This is the most I’ve ever written about myself and it’s a hell of a lot more than I’ve ever wanted to. Hell it’s the most I’ve ever thought of myself and part of me feels like this sounds really self obsessed. But I think, at least I hope, it’s just a self awareness that comes from no longer seeing the contrasts in life.

If you are reading this it means that 1) you’ve found this randomly, and in which case… “sup?” or 2) you are one of the maybe 4 people I genuinely trust to tell this too without fear of being treated differently after doing it. If it is option 2…Surprise? I’ve worked extremely hard to make sure you couldn’t have seen this coming. It also means that you’ve shown me love implicitly in such a way that removes so much doubt, I hope you know how powerful and beautiful that is.

I don’t know man I think this is all really just about wanting to feel that oneness with myself again, to finally find peace one day. I don’t have to live, I get to, and I want too. The world is abhorrently beautiful man. daunting, ridiculous, backbreaking and gorgeous. I want to feel all of it, I want to find my place in it and I can’t do it alone. Not anymore.

Happy Birthday to me. ayeee.

#depression.#happy birthday #35mm #nikon #photography #photoessay #technicially #ironandwinereferences #lost in my mind

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