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poindexters-labratory · 4 months

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I had a fun little concept for William Afton's purgatory for my story

Yes, there is the purgatory we see in UCN, but that doesn't have to be the only one. William being punished in multiple different ways; his soul being ripped into different pieces in order to feel the full force of his personal hell, a product of his own unconscious guilt combined with vengeful spirits haunting his soul.

(I'm much more of a paranormal FNAF fan, the unknown and undiscovered much cooler in my fair opinion, so this is more based on that perspective and not really the science-fiction take.)

So, William's soul is split into various different parts to experience his sins and personal horrors over and over again to perpetuate the cycle he caught himself up in during life. And because I have an unhealthy attachment to the Unreal Unearth Hozier album, yes, this takes inspiration from Dante's Inferno.

(Disclaimer and content warning: This could be disturbing, as this is taking inspiration from a religious piece of literature and discussing hell. Also, I don't study Dante's Inferno, this is basically a loose interpretation that I'm using for fnaf fanfiction.)

William was zealous, passionate, and blinded by his own pursuit of knowledge, to be seen, and reverse the forces of nature, making him neglect the emotional wellbeing of his children. This easily places him in Dante's circle of incontinence, unable to control himself from impulse. This could even mean he's in the circle of gluttony at the same time, being impulsive and indulgent in the same stroke.

He was also a hoarder of objects and attention, plopping his ass down in another circle, greed. William was full of hate, for other people and himself, which is another circle, wrath. William exists at odds with popular opinion, doubting anything and everything out of paranoia and spite (circle of heresy).

And absolutely, he's chained down to the circle of violence. I don't have to list his crimes. Fraud, naturally, as he's a liar, flatterer, and everything in between. And the circle of treachery is my favorite to compare William to. Obviously, a traitor of one of his most special relationships, trading his close friendship and love with Henry for his own indulgence in hateful, spiteful, and murderous desires.

In order to make the hell more personalized for him, we have, of course, the UCN Hell, which is probably best matched with the circle of violence, more specifically the first ring of violence, which has tortured souls boiling in a river of blood with centaurs firing arrows at anyone who dares rise their head too far above the surface. Emphasis on the river of blood because

(I know it's not a river, but it's still a body of water that is red. And Cassidy chooses to go right back into the depths, defying Old Man Consequences, which to me, is a cool story element.)

But how do we make this even better with the inspirational material in hand? How should we build up the world that should be an all-expansive underworld? It's made just for William Afton to suffer in every single aspect of his divided soul so he can experience the full wrath of his consequences, created by his own unconscious mind made up of his religious trauma and never-ending cycle of destructive behavior. He should relive everything, absolutely everything, all over again. And again. And again.

Everything that caused him distress, discomfort, pain, sorrow, guilt, regret, jealously, absolutely everything that just sucked and hurt. He'll relive every moment over and over again. The deaths of his children, the torment of having a body, his worship of Henry, the wrath of his victims, being perpetually ignored and turned away, being cold, hungry, and deathly alone. Over and over and over again. He won't die, but he'll wish he could.

He's in every hell all at once, not just the one.

Okay, I'm done :3

#fnaf #fnaf hurricane #fnaf ucn #william afton #fnaf cassidy #fnaf old man consequences #mentions of death #religious themes #i've listened to that hozier album way too much #fav song is a tie between abstract and anything but #maybe first light #i just like the album #poindexterchatter

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beels-burger-babe · 2 years

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When I think of RAD I think of that John Adams quote that goes something along the lines of, “I study politics and war so that my sons may be able to study art and philosophy” etc etc

I think that RAD was something that came about during a time of peace. It was Diavolo’s idea, after war in the Devildom ended and his father went to sleep. I always pictured the DD under the Demon King as a more traditional version of Hell, with the Avatars of Sin lording over their own fiefs in their own circles and punishing their own sinners

When the wars/battles/etc. all ended, the need for a fiefdom disappeared, and Diavolo sought to preserve Devildom culture another way. He began RAD so demons (primarily higher demons of some nobility) could come together and learn more about the DD and other realms

I always imagined it as sort of indefinite? Something to spend eternity studying, but only for Devildom elites. Outside of the “capitol” (Devildom proper) I picture the other layers of Hell still existing with each brother’s sin corresponding to a different circle/layer. It’s mandatory for the bros, as they are technically co-rulers of Hell and need to be well-versed in. Pretty much everything

Ooooooooooooo!!! I love this interpretation of it. I can definitely imagine that

#anons 🕶#the hive #🐝 answers #b answers #ask b

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langernameohnebedeutung · 3 years

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I’m probably parrotting to the wrong choir here, but at least part of the truth about liking villains vs. condemning villains is...I don’t consume villain content in order to find healthy coping strategies and genuine life advice. I don’t look for healthy coping strategies in sci-fi films and fantasy books or on ao3 in the first place, because 99% of all that input is not produced by people that a) intent or b) are qualified to give meaningful life advice.

Sometimes things we read or watch can be detrimental to our mental health or can make us happier or mean a lot to us. And that is also why it is important to tag, warn, and summarise content: So that people can avoid things that are bad for them and find things that comfort them. But what popular fiction never is, is a clear, intentional, professional, and universal guide.

We already talked about how even the most horrible people will read novels where they resemble the bad guys and identify with the good guys instead rather than reflecting their own behaviour. That is, because narratives need stakes. The hero needs to be David, not Goliath. And we too see ourselves as Goliath, in our lives. Because there are always things that are bigger than us. And because we know that David will win.

But sometimes...sometimes it is quite nice to feel like the giant. Especially when we’re used to feeling small.

Sure “I like this villain because villains get to do things we want to but can’t” might seem like a tiny brained answer, but if you expand a little, there is truth to it: Sometimes I want to see someone go bloody ape-shit in response to trauma, injustice, being underestimated or forgotten. Sometimes I want to see someone just care about themselves and burn the whole place down and look fabulous doing it, because I know, that in real-life, very often it is sympathy and empathy holding me back for even insisting on minor and very rational things, simply because I don’t want to be a burden on others and because I prioritise other people very highly. There is catharsis in that; in seeing someone getting it out of their system in the most violent way possible just like there is catharsis in going for a run or punching the hell out of a punching bag when you’re frustrated even though you would never chase down and beat up a person.

Because even when see characters standing up for themselves - think of the infamous internet rage over Captain Marvel stealing that bike from the dude that harassed her – their actions are usually centred around punishing the culprit, not the emotions of the party that was wronged. But people got angry. Not because she stole a car, or because she stole it from a men even – but because her acting in response to sexual harassment connected the scene with deep roots of social context and political opinions and expectations.

And, despite hundreds, maybe thousands of films in existence where a white male protagonist steals a car or bike or anything else to save the day, she is read as a villain here simply for doing the rational thing. Much less could she have killed him and burnt down his house, because she is a hero and it doesn’t serve the plot and that would not be the thing a hero does.

A villain burning the whole joint down because someone looked at them funny is acting selfishly, self-centred. But what are you going to do, call them a villain? Duh. Complain about how what they’re doing is wrong? Well, yes.

The lane of their actions is not narrowed by the actions of the culprit on the one side (heroes have to react appropriately and proportionally) and the expectations of the good-guy on the other (they have to act in accordance with forwarding the plot). Which means putting up with an asshole sidekick or apologising if they undergo character development that makes them a ‘better’ person and requires them to forgive someone). You might have your odd Logan who will throw a punch when he’s pissed – but here we already venture into the territory of an anti-hero.

And personally, our anger, our disappointment, all that will always be much more contained than any fictional space - by our financial situation, the people we depend on, our job, our studies, or family, our social circle. We live in a web of social expectations that we depend on every moment of our life.

Fiction itself also exists in a web of social context: What influence does it have on the audience? Will it sell? What implications does it have? How does it present its characters? Who is the author and what do they stand for? - but the fictional space, aka the world constructed in a novel, is wholly separate:

If I write a novel where I state that every Canadian person likes the colour blue and wears funny hats, then this is true in the universe of that novel, no matter what any Canadian reader might feel about it. This means two things:

1. As writers, producers, and even as producers of fan-content, we have to be critical about what we put into the world, because by creating a fictional space, we create characters who cannot stand up against the things we say about them or make them do. Just like the superheroine in the skimpy outfit who gets her powers through the sun shining down on her nipples cannot have an authentic discussion about her body. And when young girls read our comic and see that all the male heroes are clothed and the heroine isn’t, then we are the one that came up with the sunshine-nipples.

2. Our very own, personal interpretation of the novel – even our own - and the way we relate to it is our own. The feelings we project on the characters are individual, personal, and shaped by us.

And yes, villains usually see their comeuppance. And the thing is, many people argue here: “Well, it’s okay if the villain does x, as long as they’re punished for it.” But...that’s a difficult subject. A piece of fiction can condemn the actions of the villain without seeing them lose – the challenge to the writer is to still form a satisfying narrative, because the villain winning is the ‘likely’-seeming thing that every narrative subverts when the hero levels up and returns with her new friends to kick the villain’s ass. But even if you sympathise with the villain, seeing them win would still be an unsatisfying narrative, most of the time.

Because the whole point of an actual evil villain - and sympathising with an actual villain - is that what they’re doing is unjust. Malicious. Selfish. And projecting your desire to strike back or stand up on a villain and seeking catharsis through seeing them go wild and tear down the city needs the pushback. For them burning down the house to be satisfying, you need to see the house burn. For them to blow up the house of parliament to be satisfying – you must see the explosion.

And watching them lose provides the ultimate, necessary gravitas. Watching Team Rocket fly off with Pikachu and live happily ever after on Team Rocket money would not be satisfying. Watching our super-villain burn the world to a crisp with their death-laser would not be satisfying if they just end up getting their rocket and flying off while drinking space-mojitos.

Whether they end up being redeemed or not: The initial moment that someone fights back and defeats them at the height of their immorality and prevents the suffering of innocents is the moment that their willingness and readiness to commit violence is put to the test.

We know the hero goes through a journey of their own - one that requires sacrifice and steels their commitment until they are ready to take on the villain. And knowing that someone is willing to make sacrifices to be able to take the villain down is the ultimate acknowledgement of the transgressive act the villain committed. Without it, it would be empty. Like watching someone punch the air.

But the truth is also that when you recreate the fictional space in another, secondary space – fanfiction, fan content, fanart – you decide what to focus on. Like, we all enjoy hurt/comfort stories, but they have a different intention than something focussed on action or the growth of the hero – because that requires for us to see the villain go down. The focus is no longer the transgressive acts of the villain – but to lay bare the pain that caused them. It is no longer about beating them down for the sake of justice.

Like, when I make a post about Frankenstein’s monster living happily ever after and people tell me that hey, the monster killed a lot of people - then we have a different premise. Because me not adding a line about the evil things the monster did to my post was based on the premise that you knew that random tumblr user langernameohnebedeutung does not condone the crime of murder because she posts about a 200-year-old book. And the #fact that my point doesn’t construct an ending where the monster stands in front of a judge and is sentenced to a certain time in jail or punished by a more heroic person is because I have daddy issues and seeing a giant creature go on a rampage through Europe to get back at its asshole Dad in a way I never could makes me quite happy the novel focussing on its acts of violence already did this and my post clearly had a different intention.

#long post #fandom

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easystate · 4 years

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Priestess of Holy Wisdom intro to filianism.

I loved this. Reposting this here for fellow deanists and filianists (credits at the bottom):

“Rayati (“Hail to the Sun within you”),

My name Sorella Roselyn and I’m a Filianist.

Filianism is the religion of Our Mother God and Her Holy Daughter. The Creed above, very briefly, outlines the basis of what we believe.

Our religion is a subset of Déanism; an umbrella term for those who worship God the Mother independent of a male consort, father or son god (however some Déanists do incorporate the divine masculine in their faith, albeit carefully to avoid His image overshadowing Her). Déanists may or may not believe in the Holy Daughter, or follow the Filianic scriptures, or observe the Wheel of the Year. All that one requires to be a Déanist is the belief in God as Mother; the Supreme Deity, immanent but also transcendent from Her Creation rather than being an earth or lunar goddess as observed in Pagan Goddess religions such as Dianic Wicca.

For Filianists, God (who we call Déa) exists as a divine feminine Trinity. She is the Bright Mother, the Creatrix of the cosmos and God-above-Us. She is also the Holy Daughter, the dimmed reflection of Her Mother who commands the energies of creation and who is God-with-Us. And lastly She is the Dark Mother, also called the Mysteria, who is beyond all knowledge and form – God-the-Absolute. While it common to compare the Filianic Trinity to the Christian Trinity, a more apt comparison would be to the Hindu God Brahman who exists as Brahma (Creator), Vishnu (Preserver) and Shiva (Destroyer). Their feminine counterparts, found in the Shaktism, would be the closest parallel to the Filianic trinity; Saraswati, Lakshimi and Parvati. The concept of a Triple, or Tri-unity Goddess, is one that has been replicated across many cultures and religions, primarily those now considered Pagan, yet still have thriving traditions in modern times.

Even in esoteric Christianity, particularly Gnostic and mystic circles, there is growing number of believes in a feminine Trinity to balance the masculine Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Others believe the Holy Spirit to be feminine Herself and correct Her name as ‘Mother Spirit’. The Divine Sophia, who is the form of which Déa came to myself as, exists in a three-fold form as Barbelo or Sige; the forethought of the All and cosmic mother, the creatrix Sophia or Pistis, and the Daughter Soul; Zoe. Sophia is the Greek word for Wisdom; Her trinity names thus translating as Silent Wisdom, Faithful Wisdom and Living Wisdom. While many Gnostic traditions regard Sophia as at fault for the flawed creation of the world, or personify Her as the lost soul desiring her male bridegroom and saviour (Christ), there are many who detach Sophia from her patriarchal demotion and worship Her as God in Her own right.

For Filianists; the Holy Daughter does not represent the soul in need of a saviour. She IS the Saviour. As explained beautifully in our scriptures, we believe that the Bright Mother created all things perfectly in the beginning, to be one with Her. Maid, the soul of humanity, was created in Her likeness as Her First Daughter. However the Maid wished to experience that which was outside Déa and so turned from Her, unable to look upon Her brightness or live in perfection. To Orthodox Filianists, the reason for this was due to temptation by the ‘Snake’ which represented the illusion of separation from Déa. However in the Janite Tradition it is believed that the motivation for this was not of deception but to seek knowledge. To experience both pleasure and pain which she could not when living with Déa. And this was done so according to Déa’s will as the soul of Maid came from Her and was a fragment of Her being. Whatever the intention, for Filianists that is the reason for why we live in a world of khear (separation) where suffering exists, where we are subject to the wherde (karma) of our actions and where our souls are reincarnated on the wheel of life. Déa did not exile us or punish us, rather we chose this state and each life we live is another step on our journey back to Her.

We believe that the Holy Daughter is the reason we have any hope of purifying our souls from khear and reuniting fully with Our Mother. According to the mythos, the Mother birthed the Holy Daughter (different from the First Daughter) as an aspect of Herself to reach Her children beyond the illusion of khear. While the Bright Mother is symbolised by the sun, beautiful yet blinding, the Daughter is symbolised by the moon, reflecting the light of Her Mother for us to see in the darkest of places. While the Bright Mother is the Light of Déa, the Holy Daughter is Her Love given form. It is the mission of the Daughter to spread Her Mother’s light to every corner of the cosmos, even to the farthest reaches where all hope seems lost.

The Mythos tells of how the Holy Daughter wilfully descended into Hell itself, suffering agonising torture and humiliation, before coming face to face with the Dark Queen; the antithesis of Déa who represents the soul of Maid at her most lost and cruel. The Holy Daughter allows the Dark Queen to ‘kill’ Her, only for the Bright Mother to shatter the gates of Hell after following Her Daughter’s descent. The Bright Mother’s tears of sorrow revived the Holy Daughter and restored Her to life; thus managing to conquer death itself. She is thus able to rise from Hell and carry the souls of all those lost with Her into Heaven.

This is of course a fictional story, but its purpose is to explain the mission and passion of the Daughter in images for Maids to understand. There are obvious parallels to other dying-and-rising saviour gods and goddesses. While Christians recognise similarities to the passion of Christ, there are also illusions to the descent of Inanna, the return of Persephone and also the shattering of Sophia as the Holy Soul unto the world. We believe these myths and more are evidence of the truth being shared and interpreted differently throughout time of God giving a part of Herself to save us from being eternally lost from Her.

Whether the mythos of the Scriptures is taken super literally or figuratively or a mixture of both is irrelevant for a Filianist. To be a Filianist is to follow Our Lady, the Holy Daughter, and Her teachings. Many of these are included in the Clear Recital along with the Mythos. These teachings as they are written were compiled by a group of women in Oxford during the 1970’s who referred to themselves as Madrians. While the themes and images of God the Mother and Daughter have existed for thousands of years, the structure of the Filianic faith arguably began with the Madrian movement (though the beliefs of those women at the time do not always represent those of Filianists today). Many accept the Teachings, though inspired by Déa, to still be subject to criticism as – like all religious texts – they are still the work of Maids, who are not perfect.

However, when reading the teachings, their central message is clear; Love. Love of each other, Love of Self and Love of Déa.

Therefore, the very nature of being a Filianist, is to Love.

Our Lady is the form of Déa’s Love. To worship Her is not simply through prayer or studying scripture, important as those aspects are. It is in being compassionate, in being kind and loving, to ourself and others, we are worshipping Her. In sharing the light of Déa to all the earth and beyond, we are ensuring that Her suffering was never in vain. To worship Her is not to hate, or envy, or seek revenge or harm unto others. To worship Her is not to proselytise or judge but to be a friend to every living creature and seek to do Good in Her name.

As Filianists we also believe in the Seven Janati; the seven great ‘angels’ or powers that are aspects of Déa given form:

Sai Raya (Jana of Light, Joy and Brilliance) Sai Candre (Jana of Purity, Reason and Reflection) Sai Vikhë (Jana of Strength, Courage and Valour) Sai Mati (Jana of Knowledge, Intuition and Wisdom) Sai Thame (Jana of Justice, Harmony and Order) Sai Sushuri (Jana of Mercy, Compassion and Love) Sai Rhavë (Jana of Discipline, Restraint and Faith)

To be a Filianist is to try to live in the image of the Seven Janati and inhabit their virtues. While most Filianists have a patron Jana they connect to, the goal of a Filianist ideally is to balance these virtues within oneself and society so as one does not become unbalanced. For instance many believe we are in an age where the ‘Vikhelic’ (Sai Vikhë) principle has overtaken the others, and thus we have more violence in the world than compassion or joy or restraint. But when channelled correctly, the virtue of Sai Vikhë can be used to help Our Lady’s light shine brightly, so long as it remains in balance with the others.

Our Lady Herself has been given many names throughout eternity, as has Our Mother. Most Filianists refer to the Mother as Mari or Marya; a holy name which has its place in multiple cultures for the Divine Mother, outside of the obvious Virgin Mary of Christianity. The most sacred name for the Holy Daughter in Filianism is Inanna (distinct from the Sumerian goddess of war), also referred to as Janah (pronounced ‘Yanah’, ‘Anna’ or ‘Hannah’) or Rhi’annë. She has also been called Kore, as in ‘maiden’, as well as Zoe by those like myself whose form of Déa has been Sophia. Anna often means Grace and ‘Jana’ also means Gateway, as well as being strikingly similar to the Islamic word for Paradise; Jannah. I personally call Her Janah. Whatever Her name or Her image, She is there for those who seek Her. The Dark Mother, Déa Mysteria, has no name or form – She Is Who She Is.

In closing; this blog is simply one Maid’s attempt to log her own journey as a Filianist, to walk in the path of Our Lady and help guide others into the arms of Our Mother.

Blessed is She.

“Take heart, My children, take joy and courage in our Mother. For She that created you also loves you, even to the end of the age. Take heart, though you have turned from Her. For She has not forsaken you, neither are Her eyes filled with anger. And Her hands that have shattered the gates of Hell shall not harm you; that have broken Hell’s foundation, shall be lain on you in gentleness. Therefore hide yourself not from Her, and put aside the tangled weeds of thought that strive each with the other. For of all things, Love is the simplest.” – Teachings 1:4 (“On Our Mother’s Love”)

Source: https://priestessofholywisdom.wordpress.com/

#deanism #filianism #goddess #goddess worship

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vulpcsglaciei · 4 years

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alright! so it’s that time where my ass needs to talk about yusuke’s mental state, a little about character development and possible routes to his actual and future relationships. wanna clarify that there will be a lot of triggers like stockholm syndrome, unappropriated relationships, etc. so please be careful!

BACKGROUND. ( HEAVILY HEADCANON’D )

Kitagawa Yoshie ( 喜多川好恵 ) was born into a very TRADITIONAL Japanese family back in Kyoto who are the guardians of a Shinto shrine. Her name is written with the kanji “ 好恵” which means “nice favor/grace”. She was the eldest child, being expected to be next PRIESTESS of the generation. However, Yoshie wasn’t really happy about the destiny that was given to her without her consent. Her family was deeply religious, so she grew up surrounded by different forms of art and developed an immense passion about it. She didn’t want to be a priestess, she wanted to be an artist and this caused a lot of issues within her family as they felt she was being extremely rebellious, disrespecting the effort and the family's pride.

One day, Yoshie met a man named Ito Masaaki. He was a local artist who dreamed about going to Tokyo and showing his talent. They both came from a rural place; small town, big hell, they shared the same passions and dreams and of course, Yoshie was young and lively and only wanted to run away. She was only 14 when she met him, but he realized that she was such a talented young woman that could allow him to fulfill his own dreams, he whispered words of loyalty and love to her causing the young girl to deeply fall in love with him. She would paint for him, and he would sell her art, keeping her money and telling her that it was the savings for them to finally go to Tokyo. Her family, not happy about the whole situation WARNED her about this man, but she would argue with them until one day she suddenly collapsed on the floor. After she was taken to the Doctor, Yoshie was diagnosed with epilepsy. Of course, the family would blame the man and say that they were CURSED by him, that the gods were PUNISHING her because she didn’t want to take her role. But Yoshie wouldn’t listen, and instead she kept painting as if her life depended on it, making sure that Masaaki had enough money for them to run away together.

When Yoshie turned 16, the inevitable happened. Deciding that Masaaki was the CORRECT man, she offered her body as proof of true love, being told that they were going to get married some day. But then, Masaaki suddenly left with all the money that they have saved, and Yoshie was left behind with a new life on her womb. It was when their family couldn’t take it anymore, they would CURSE the newborn child and they would DISOWN their own daughter for disrespecting and dirtying the Kitagawa name. She was left alone, at the gates of the Shrine when a familiar face, Madarame Ichiryusai saw her desperately crying. He realized that she had potential, and took her in as his own daughter. But little did Yoshie know, that she was only living in a vicious circle of abuse. And then, he let her die and the story we know started.

ANALYSIS ON YUSUKE’S CHARACTER

Yusuke doesn’t know about his mother’s story, but he understands that both of them are victims of the circumstances. MANIPULATION is the key behind their background story, and the only way to break this vicious circle would be to finally recognize it. Yusuke was born and raised basically alone. He grew up having absolutely no one at his side, except from Madarame, being the reason why he denies the abuses, because he basically owns his life to this man. If it wasn’t for him, Yusuke probably would have died long ago, maybe he wasn’t even destined to born, but Madarame was sent for his aid in a very bizarre way. He is aware that he is being horribly abused, but is he even allowed to complain?

Yusuke hates Madarame in a very passive way. He realizes that he is a horrible man, and he wishes to run away from his net but he knows that he is not able to do that, because somehow, he is THANKFUL to his abuser. Madarame was the CLOSEST parental figure that he had, so if he is being treated this way he would think that it’s only normal and that it is “for his own good”. He realizes that he is horrible, but then remembers all the good things that this man had done for him that he starts feeling GUILTY to even think so BADLY about someone who has been caring for his well being. It’s a toxic paternity, a toxic family relationship where is hard to cut bonds because, this is the person who you owe your life. A case of Stockholm Syndrome where Yusuke sides with him, mostly because that’s the only thing he can do. Because if he hates on him and recognizes that he has been abused and manipulated by this person he would lose his own mind, he wouldn’t have anyone and everything he believes on will be CRUSHED, including his own soul. But he is pretty much aware of it, he is just afraid to accept it.

This is a mental condition that affects him in his every day life. For example, studies have said that this syndrome is initially created because the abuser threatens the victim’s life, or do good things from there, creating feelings of gratitude from the victim, developing DEPENDENCE and interpreting small acts of kindness as a good treatment and as an excuse to justify their behavior towards them. This leads to a state of happiness that the victim links to the abuser, creating an IMAGINARY positive bond with them, and causing them to be overprotective of their abuser by acting negatively with whoever dares to threaten their abusers. Thankfully, Yusuke is finally convinced by the Phantom Thieves that this NEEDS to be broken and he decides to REBEL against Madarame, but this doesn’t stop him of feeling CONFLICTED about the whole situation.

That’s how everything in his daily life now starts to get affected. Yusuke is pretty observing and perceptive, he is able to understand and highlight abusive behavior, but he never judges it. This makes him really gullible and easy manipulable by others as he usually thinks that “they might have their reasons”. This train of thought can lead him to fall into the same abusive relationships as his mother without realizing, until someone else comes and points out that this shouldn’t be something that he should stand, which his answer would be “is it not?” This also leads to a self-esteem problem, because if the only people who cared for him treated him this way, then if someone else do it and then they are nice with him it’s okay because it means that they do it because “they care ofr him”. This behavior is extremely dangerous, especially in the emotional and sexual relationships that he might encounter in the future, not only being at risk of being abused and manipulated but also at the risk of becoming EXTREMELY dependent on the other without even realizing.

I could keep talking about this, but the post actually got LONGER than I expected. Headcanons are going to be continuously developed as the character keeps growing more. If you came until here, thank you so much for reading my babblery!

#( headcanon. )#( about muse. )#*gasps*#i legit decided to major in psychology for the sake of writing more realistic characters #as if i were to do this professionally one day lmao

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cyanpeacock · 5 years

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Realtalk(tm): Living With Ada Doom

ALRIGHT. so. those of you who have read Cold Comfort Farm know exactly where this is going.

so, when I was a kid, my mum would get drunk, and sad, and tell me about how awful her mum was, all the depressing shit, and she’d cry on me, you know, the works, the kind that should go down with a counsellor, or therapist.

I don’t remember it clearly. I had to like, switch off, you know? Mummy’s sad. I’m sad too. It’s going to be okay. Stroking her hair. That’s about all I remember, apart from the pain I had to hide to make everything better.

Except, it totally wasn’t okay, because I was giving my drunken mother comfort, and the next day she was giving me smacks, and isolation as punishment, and denying me food when I was rowdy, as children are.

Later, she’d give me a book to read, called Cold Comfort Farm.

It’s a good book. It’s a parody of things along the lines of Wuthering Heights, you know, mopey miserable out-in-the-countryside romance novels where everyone is abusive, but That’s The Way It’s Always Been, Out Here.

Flora comes along and fixes everything right up.

Some part of her wanted me to be Flora.

A good, proper, refined young woman. Stately. Observant. Academic. Very sporting.

I am not Flora.

I was very nearly Ada Doom, the woman who saw something nasty in the woodshed. Well - for a while, I thought I was her, but I didn’t have control over a farm/family. I wasn’t holding all the books.

This phrase got used against me a lot - “something nasty in the woodshed.” It translated to, “you’re overreacting, be quiet,” in the circles I moved in. Often delivered as a joke, but actually, a warning.

Flora was not, actually, a very nice woman, and she was not, actually, very nice to Ada Doom.

“Did it see you?”

The point I’m continually making, is.

I didn’t see something nasty in the woodshed, once, when I was a child.

I saw a whole fucking lot of nasty things, all around me, in my own home, that chased me into my bedroom, that physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me, for over a decade. I heard other nasty things going on, in rooms I wasn’t in, but sound carries. I saw and heard even nastier things happening between the only Adult Role Models I had.

This all seemed very normal, until I had an assembly on abuse in primary school, and recognized myself in it.

I told myself, “mummy loves me. It’s not really abuse. Is it?”

I told myself this for years.

Skip to the future. It’s easier for me.

Later I ran away somewhere a bit cleaner, to live with a racist opioid addict. It was fucking awesome, for a while, but yeah, that’s another post. He’d also use “something nasty in the woodshed” against me, or just say “Ada Doom.”

My mother would chatter things about “he’s brainwashing you! Mind control!” when I did see her at the same time as him, separately. It’s like she didn’t realize he was only using things he’d seen her use on me. She probably didn’t, because they’d probably been used on her, and she hadn’t spotted the conditioning.

So, in this story, what did “Flora” turn out to be?

An angry, inhibited, explosive, snappy, hungry young man, who just wanted to get high, forget about the past, and go to lesson, so he could learn something that would get him out of this shithole, and into a decent home, with a car that runs and a job that pays in the wallet, mind, and heart.

I hid so much of the pain I was in, because when it was actually expressed, I’d get dismissed, belittled, or outright yelled at, even after the physical hitting had stopped.

She always said, “you know you can talk to me about anything, don’t you?”

So I’d try, like a kid, who desperately wanted to believe that his mother did “love him” - that is, knew how to give emotionally healthy and nourishing expressions of love.

And time and time again, I’d get, “I think you’re overreacting.” “Isn’t that a bit extreme?” “It doesn’t mean anything.” “They’re just jealous.” “You’re imagining things.” Or, you know, “I think you’re being selfish.” “Selfish little cow!”

So there I was, my self harm getting worse and worse, the pressure my piece of shit school placed on me getting worse and worse, hearing Mark fucking cussing me out again, becoming increasingly abusive towards myself and people I really, deeply cared about, because I had literally no understanding, no framework for internally and mutually rewarding loving interaction.

I don’t even remember what happened. Shit went down, mother had got a “boyfriend,” they were going to get married, they split up, I was caught in the middle because I was a kid who never really had a dad and desperately wanted one, I got used as a pawn in a game of chess between two emotionally unwell adults who couldn’t agree to break up without causing an enormous fight and dragging their entire circle of Facebook friends into it. It was really ugly. Like, one of the friends died, and shit like “good riddance” was getting thrown about. It was really ugly. I wanted so badly to get involved and break it all up, but yeah, fuck Facebook, I didn’t use it, still don’t.

So, I ran away to live with the one who’d caused me less hurt, the racist opioid addict, because at least he could see me as a son, while the drunk was still transphobic as hell. That’s the other post, for the future.

But yes, Ada Doom followed me there, and according to them, I was still living in the woodshed.

But I was supposed to be Flora. I was supposed to be good, nice, and orderly, and I was accepted while I was these things. If I wasn’t, I’d get a verbal slap in the right direction, through this insidious fucking phrasology tied in with a long, long history of emotional manipulation.

This all started with my mother, and her mother, and probably her mother before her, and a whole line of absent fathers.

I’m the one who noticed this, and decided, “no more of this shit. No more of this shit. I am never bringing a child into this world so full of pain, and I have no idea how to fix any of this on my own, and the people who are supposed to help me don’t, and I don’t fucking trust anybody enough to let them in.”

I’m the one who noticed this was abuse. I’m the one who started reading, trying to understand the inside of my head, getting it wrong, getting it right-ish, doubting myself, always coming back and really thinking “fuck, that is so much like me” to conditions that arise as a result of complex, long-term trauma.

I’m the one who made the jump into homelessness when the racist opioid addict became unbearable. I’m the one who went into a hostel while I was doing my A-Levels. I’m the one who passed them. I’m the one who saw a counsellor every week and just fucking sobbed because there was nowhere else I could cry like that without killing myself.

I’m the one who read about psychodynamic theory, and fundamental interpretations of the structures of psyche, and thought about it all myself, how it might apply to my brain in particular. I’m the one who read intently about complex trauma, and healing from it. I’m the one who learned about EMDR, and figured out I could do that with good stereo music, and tapping my hands and feet on the bus. I’m the one who studied very specific parts of the DSM V, over and over, circling and circling until I zeroed in on the places that fit well enough to help me understand, find resources, and recover.

I’m the one who read very, very, very closely about marijuana, the endocannabinoid system, and its relation to trauma. I understood this was drug abuse, and dependency, and that dependency and addiction are almost interchangeable. I’m the one who knew I didn’t really want to smoke until my mind burned away, unless I couldn’t Make It at university. I’m the one who smashed my pipe in July, and hasn’t wanted to smoke again since, and doesn’t really want to go back, but will if he falls/fails.

I’m the one who learned to meditate, just drop out into a trance, for minutes or hours, with and without drugs in my system, with silence or with music, and now increasingly with background noise, although that one is REALLY difficult for me. I’m the one who learned all those weird skills like “noting” and “radical acceptance” and other things I’ve forgotten the name of but notice as different states of consciousness.

I’m the one who knew all this psych work was supposed to be very dangerous, you shouldn’t do this if you aren’t A Professional(tm), but I’m also the one who knew I didn’t trust a single fucking “Professional” to do the right thing, make the right referrals, administer the treatment properly, after being betrayed and forced and dismissed by so many so-called Professionals.

I’m the one who decided, in not so many words: well, fuck, it’s less dangerous for me to do all these things, and make mistakes trying, than it is for me to let somebody in, and receive another injury, at my most vulnerable.

The thing about Ada Doom is, she’s a character in a fucking parody novel.

You’re not Ada Doom. You’re not Catherine Earnshaw.

You can’t live your whole life making sad allegories through books that dig up your old pain without actually resolving any of it, because you’re reading ahead and projecting the romantic, ugly, fantasy conclusion onto what really happened, to your body.

It’s really useful! It’s really useful, for a long time, to connect with your pain through fiction. Forever, actually.

But I’ve got to get angry about being expected to be a character from a fucking parody novel.

“You’ll understand later.”

I understand. I understand why you did what you did. I understand you couldn’t control it. I understand why you showed me this book.

It cannot negate, diminish, or remove any of my anger.

I had to go to a counsellor, for years, research, for years, think and feel, for years, to find the right language and tone to communicate my experiences. I’m still learning. I’m especially still talking, because I haven’t been able to talk about any of this, because my mother wouldn’t let me. All she did was give me strange, roundabout books, that were good, and annoyingly on the nose, and say “You’ll understand later.”

If you’re saying that, if they’re asking the question isn’t it about time you explained?

Isn’t it about time you realized you need help explaining?

I can’t keep going back to a sad fucking house full of hurting fucking children. It drags me down again every time, although I really do cherish the moments where I could just pretend it was all normal and painless and easy to be a family. I really do.

And yes, I know, it’s circular, it’s not that fucking easy, because I couldn’t let anybody in, because I was “normal,” as far as my mother was concerned. I know I’m lucky I’m very quick, I learn well, and I’m completely fucking invested in research and execution.

I had to become these things for a sick, sick woman, who wanted a kid who would save/change her life.

It’s not a fairytale. I know it feels like one. I know it feels like Prince Charming is just around the corner, it must be soon, just one more page! The Big Bad Wolf is still lurking!

You gotta make Prince Charming. You have to make the person you want to marry inside your head. I’m getting there. There’s no ring on it. That might be the total illusion of self. It might not be. I don’t know what’s happening to my system, yet.

That voice in your head who yells at you, but isn’t you, but won’t tell you their name? Give them a fucking name. Think them up a face and a body. Go and learn some emotional regulation skills, slowly, because it’s really difficult. Revise them. Pass them along. Talk to them. They’ll stop yelling at you. You’ll be able to turn to them for comfort, and they’ll get all your jokes, because you’re sharing a brain, and the connections do keep coming your entire life/lives. They can be your partner, if you like, and they do too.

I don’t know what happens after that, and that is just this body/me/us/the irrelevancy of pronouns astounds me.

So, I’m very stupid.

I really did take the hood off my car at the side of the road with smoke pouring out. I didn’t know anything about what colour meant “get the hell away” or “it’s fine, just call the recovery van.” I just knew there was a problem, it needed fixing, and I didn’t have insurance.

I did it the stupid way. I touched it while it was hot. I tried using stuff I had in the back of the car. I walked to the garage, and they rang my mum? I walked back to the car and slept in it for a while, resolute in my decision not to go back to the garage again. I walked to the tool shop, and bought something to take that bit on the top off. I walked to the library and borrowed a book on cars. I bought more tools. I borrowed more books, this time on engines, because the car book was only about cars, and I had a problem with the engine.

I kept getting the wrong fucking tools, and the wrong fucking books, because all engines are different, and different tools fit different engines. I just compared what I had to what was in there, then threw the wrong crap into the boot in a huff, or whacked the engine with whatever size spanner I had at hand.

I went back to the garage. They didn’t know what to do, they couldn’t see the car, just somebody who read too many manuals, and was on drugs. I still knew I didn’t have insurance.

More tools, more books, still showing up at the garage, still getting dismissed, hating them more every time, them getting more and more bored of me. I was getting closer to fixing the car, but still making mistakes.

I found a mechanic, one who didn’t work with the garage. He let me tell him about the car, slowly, the way I’d figured it out.

He knew a few things about engines. We spoke about the garage. He was very sympathetic. We spoke a lot about the car. He knew more than a few things about engines, actually.

I got better at fixing the car on my own.

Unfortunately, all this walking was fucking my legs. I’d really like to get back in the car again, and go places quicker. All this work is really slowing me down from what I’d like to be doing. It’s also getting me to a point where I can do what I’d like to.

The car still isn’t fixed. I’m not sure what goes where next, or if this is actually the same engine I started with at all, but I have an idea what might work, and a mechanic who knows he doesn’t know the problem, but actually lets me tell him, unlike the garage.

So yes. Ada Doom is and is not dead to me.

The fairytale thing is great, but at some point, you gotta stop reading other people’s, and start reading/writing your own. But only if you’re that way inclined, and I said the bit before in a rude tone because I’m frustrated.

Long post. That’s enough.

I’m not Flora Poste.

#fliptext #trauma #drugs #abuse #neglect #uh yeah dude it's the whole shebang #lots of anger

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thedcdunce · 5 years

Text

Phantom Stranger

“I steer, but I cannot lead. That has always been my fate.” - Phantom Stranger

Aliases:

Grey Walker

Gender: Male

Height: 6′ 2″

Weight: 185 lbs (84 kg)

Eyes: Black

Hair: Black/ Grey

Powers:

Immortality

Magic

Abilities:

Hand-to-Hand Combat (Basic)

Storytelling

Occultism

Weaknesses:

Non-Direct Interaction

Talkative

Equipment:

Amulet

Universe:

Earth-One

New Earth

Marital Status: Single

First Appearance: Phantom Stranger #1 (August, 1952)

Last Appearance: Superboy Vol 5 #11 (October, 2011)

Powers

Immortality: He has survived attacks that would kill mortals, including having his heart removed.

Magic: The Stranger almost never uses spoken spells or magical rituals more complex than a seance or a circle of entrapment. However, his magical prowess almost knows no bounds. When the Stranger is acting in his bailiwick, he is almost supremely powerful. If he is not taken by surprise and can plan and act, he can be baffled only by universal forces.

Dimensional Travel: He can travel at will among the magical dimensions, including the Realm of the Just Dead, the Antechamber of Souls, Heaven, Hell, Apokolips, and the realm occupied by the Quintessence.

Eldritch Blast: He can fire energy bolts of great force.

Spectral Sight: He can see spiritual entities and travelers invisible to normal sight; he can perceive magical events at a great distance.

Illusion Casting

Dispel: He can dispel magic and sorcery, especially magic of mental control or illusion and deception.

Transmutation: He can perform some feats of transmutation, such as turning fired bullets into flowers and sticks into snakes and back.

Oneiromancy: He can send dreams of omen, warning, or information, though possibly only with the permission of Dream of the Endless.

Reality Manipulation

Self-Sustenance: He can survive and even communicate in outer space, though he may not be able to travel of his own volition while there.

Mental Awareness: He has at least some telepathic abilities, and can ordinarily perceive truth and deception, good and evil.

Teleportation: He can mysteriously vanish and appear at will, suggesting magical teleportation.

Abilities

Hand-to-Hand Combat (Basic): He is a moderately skilled hand-to-hand combatant, often surprising with a punch someone who smugly thought their protection against magic rendered them untouchable.

Storytelling: The Stranger always comes onto a new adventure as a story. He thrives in it and even acts in it, manipulating the events how he sees fit. When an event seemed to be supernatural in nature he depicted it to be normal and vise versa.

Occultism: He displays vast and keen insight into cosmic, magical, and mystical forces.

Weaknesses

Non-Direct Interaction: The Stranger's most important weakness, if that is what it is, is the sharp limitation on his acting directly and overtly. Threats which he would presumably have the raw power to directly defeat he must instead warn others about, especially if those others have some particular responsibility at stake. Even his information he apparently cannot provide clearly and explicitly; in many cases his warnings or clues are cryptic. It might be, for example, that he is forbidden from removing the responsibility from humanity's shoulders; he definitely believes in free will, and the availability of a balance of choices to humans.

Talkative: A weakness of a different sort is his oft-noticed tendency to speak too much; but this may be related to his need to make those around him understand the consequences of their choices and the fact that they face choices. He must not act in their place, so he must make them understand what their actions mean.

Equipment

Amulet

Origin

The Phantom Stranger is a mysterious figure in the history of the world. His origins, nature, even his name, have never been revealed. Various stories about his origins exist, including:

One tale postulated that the Stranger was a fallen angel who sided with neither Heaven nor Hell during Satan's rebellion and thus condemned to walk the Earth alone for all time. This is also backed by The Word who said that the Phantom Stranger was a fallen one.

Another proposes the Stranger was originally a private citizen during biblical times and was spared God's wrath. An angel was sent to deliver him from divine wrath. After questioning God's actions, he commits suicide. The angel forbids his spirit from entering the afterlife, reanimates his body and condemns him to walk the world forever to be a part of humanity but also forever separated from it. He then discovered his divine charge, to turn humanity away from evil, one soul at a time.

In a variation of the Wandering Jew story, he was an adult family man named Isaac with a wife and boy at the time when Jesus Christ was a small child. When King Herod sent his army to kill all small male children the army slew his son and wife. Blind with anger, he spent the next 30 years in a rage against Jesus. As Jesus was being tortured, Isaac bribed a guard to assume his role in whipping Jesus. Jesus then sentenced him to walk away from his home and country; to be errant until Doomsday. Eventually, his misplaced rage expunged, he spent the rest of his time helping society, even declining God's offer to release him from his sentence.

The last was a proposal that the Stranger is a remnant of the previous universe. At the end of the universe the Phantom Stranger approaches a group of scientists studying the event, warning them not to interfere in the natural conclusion of the universe. The story concludes with the Phantom Stranger passing a portion of himself to a scientist, the universe is reborn, and the scientist from the previous universe is the Phantom Stranger in the new universe.

A Stranger...

Early in his career, the Phantom Stranger would prove supernatural events to be hoaxes, saving many victims in the process. In later adventures, the supernatural events were real and the Phantom Stranger was given unspecified superhuman powers to defeat them. He later appeared in various other adventures, sometimes as a major participant; in others, the Phantom Stranger just appears and gives advice or warning to the featured heroes. Occasionally he serves simply as narrator. In some stories, he seems to be answerable to a mysterious Voice, implied to be God.

The Phantom Stranger played a major part in guiding Tim Hunter through time to show him the history and nature of magic. He has assisted the Justice League on numerous occasions, even being formally elected to the group. The Stranger also tried to foil Eclipso's plan to cause a nuclear war.

He also attempted to prevent Hal Jordan from uniting the resurrected body of Oliver Queen with his soul in Heaven. This earned him Jordan's wrath; indeed, the Spectre threatened to judge the Stranger to see whether God had "punished" him properly by refusing him access to Heaven itself. Nonetheless, the Phantom Stranger has assisted Hal Jordan during his tenure as the Spectre on numerous occasions as well, most notably in a short stint babysitting Hal's niece, Helen.

During the Day of Vengeance, the Stranger had been turned into a small rodent by the Spectre. He was still able to advise Detective Chimp, who sheltered him in his hat while he recovered his powers. He changed back using recovered energies and aided the Shadowpact, allowing them to see the battle between the Spectre and Shazam. That makes a point that the supernatural community generally regards the Phantom Stranger as invincible. The first reaction of some people to the Spectre's assault on magic is simply to presume that the Stranger will take care of it. Other adventures have shown the Stranger nearly as powerful as the Spectre. This however, is a recent interpretation. While others have never considered the Stranger as an easy foe to combat, given his unknown abilities, they also never considered him as invincible.

The Phantom Stranger's relationships with the other mystic heroes are usually a bit tense. The Stranger has no qualms gathering various forces in order to combat a certain evil, often invading those people's personal lives. However, he does not usually extend them that same courtesy. The Phantom Stranger has resisted such people as Doctor Fate in this, although Fate is in almost any incarnation an ally of the Stranger. Despite this, he does get along well with Zatanna; he appeared by her side to help remove the influence of Faust on Red Tornado.

Since he is ultimately an unpredictable force, others often meet the Phantom Stranger's appearance with distrust. Nonetheless, most heroes will follow him, seeing not only his immense power, but also knowing that the Stranger is in the end, a force for good. Notable though is Madame Xanadu, who has refused to join the Stranger on a few occasions, although she is a member of his Sentinels of Magic.

The Stranger also holds a unique relationship with the Spectre, as the two forces often come into conflict. He was responsible for gathering a group of mystic heroes in order to combat the Spectre, when its human host Jim Corrigan seemingly lost control of the Spectre. The Phantom Stranger participated in Jim Corrigan's funeral, when Corrigan's soul finally earned its rest and left the Spectre. The Stranger subsequently became one of the forces that stood against the Spectre when it went on a rampage without its human host, until the soul of Hal Jordan bonded with it. The Stranger occasionally took on an advisory role for this new Spectre. Aware that the Spectre now has yet another new host, the Phantom Stranger gathered a large group of magic wielders and mystics, including Nabu, Zatanna, and the Shadowpact, in an unsuccessful attempt to solicit the Spectre's assistance in the Infinite Crisis and later reforming the Rock of Eternity.

Fun Facts

The Spectre transforms the Stranger into a rodent, rather than killing him outright, because even the Spectre's power would be insufficient to kill the Stranger.

When the Spectre was defeated by a Black Power Ring, Black Hand could not comprehend the Stranger's true nature. Given that Black Hand is connected to Nekron, and can sense whether or not something is alive or a reborn being or an immortal, the fact is that the only description Black Hand can give the Stranger is "stranger than that".

Another possible origin of the Stranger, in which it was implied that Jonathan Kent, the future son of Superman and Wonder Woman, might grow up to be the Phantom Stranger. This also tied some of his abilities into the Hypertime concept, saying that he had the innate ability to enter other alternate timelines and to exist in the spaces between them. However, the adventure ultimately revealed this to be a red herring. The person in question had been deliberately placed in shadows to suggest that he was the Stranger; but when Wonder Woman finally saw his face, she said that she now realized he was not the Stranger.

The Stranger has some unique abilities like the ability to break the fourth wall and address the reader directly.

The Phantom Stranger is also known as the Brotherless One.

#phantom stranger #grey walker #justice league of america #jla #Quintessence #sentinels of magic #trenchcoat brigade #Shadowpact #Suicide Squad #dc #DC comics #thedcdunce

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avelera · 5 years

Note

⭐star⭐ The Only Way Out Is Down :D

The original meme was: Reblog this if you want readers to come into your ask box and ask for the “director’s commentary” on a particular story, section of a story, or set of lines. Or, send in a ⭐star⭐ to have the author select a section they’ve been dying to talk about!

Sorry it took a second to get to this! I kept mulling over what I wanted to talk about that I haven’t gone into detail on already. Usually I sorta default to the Drift section in the chapter “The Handwriting of God” because it was a late addition to the story that I’m very proud of, but I’ve talked about that before.

Soooo, I think instead I’ll go into detail about how the “twist” in the chapter “Treachery” was constructed, because I feel like I learned a lot as an author by doing it and it’s probably the single thing in the story I put the most effort into. Warning, this is very self-indulgent ;P

This is gonna by default have a lot of spoilers for The Only Way Out is Down so please don’t read below the cut unless you’ve finished the story unless you want to be spoiled!

The “twist” in question is the revelation that Hermann’s own traumas with regards to Newt’s possession are writing the “sins” that they’re visiting in each Circle, and that they’re Hermann’s sins in particular, not Newt’s. Furthermore, he’s been identifying himself as the guide, Virgil in the original “Inferno” by default, having convinced himself he’s the hero of the tale here to rescue Newt and not require any saving of his own, when in fact the role he fulfills is that of Dante, the man in need of rescuing from sin. This comes to light in ch. 12, Treachery, after Newt and Hermann have consistently failed to figure out the central logic for why the Circles are styled as they are, or why they break when they do in order to free them to move on to the next and hopefully to free Newt once all 9 are completed.

This twist may not have been planned since ch. 1, as such, because I started the fic as an Inferno-based character study of Newt with the question of, “How do I do a Newt Recovery Arc story where Newt is actually present from the very first chapter?” I’d been reading quite a few Newt Recovery stories at that point, and noticed that somewhat by necessity they all began where Uprising left off: with Newt bound to the chair and the Precursors speaking through him. Then the inciting incident would begin that would allow Newt to finally break through, but usually that was several chapters in.

So I realized 2 things from the outset: 1) I didn’t want the Precursors still around. They just create too much plot to solve and questions to cloud the narrative like “When is this Newt? How good are they at faking him?” and what to do with them after Newt’s freed. Are they all killed? Does the war happen? It sets up a whole huge conflict that also asks the question of how Newt is involved with a theoretical Pacific Rim 3. So I decided this was going to be a Pacific Rim 4, the Precursors are already dead but for some reason Newt STILL won’t wake up, allowing the narrative to stay focused on his recovery with no dangling questions after. 2) Obviously, in order for Newt to be there from the beginning, we need to start inside his head. This made it even more a mindscape journey. His POV gives us reasonable assurance that this is really him and he’s not corrupted. He remained psychologically separate from the Precursors, which is the story’s world state that I deliberately set up so I also didn’t have to answer questions of “how guilty is Newt for what the Precursors did?” He’s not guilty and he actually knows it, because that separation remained distinct in this particular interpretation.

Originally, Newt was absolutely supposed to be Dante, the man at the center of his life who is lost with no way forward and must go on a spiritual journey to regain himself, which may be a bit unfair and confusing for readers to solve the twist because he sees himself as Dante in his opening monologue. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to set up that expectation and then flip it for one simple reason.

I didn’t want this to be a “Hermann saves the day” story.

The narrative structure of a lot of Newt Recovery Arcs by default place a lot of pressure on Hermann’s character to be the rescuer and the Knight in Shining Armor. That can lend itself too to a character who has all the strength while the other has all–or most of–the weakness besides maybe the occasional moment of doubt. I didn’t want to do that. In fact, I wanted to deliberately subvert that. I’d already done a story with Prayers to Broken Stone where one half of the ship is in crisis and the other half rescues them, and I always thought that story was a bit flawed because it made one side out to be this angel who never tires of their constant rescuing of the other, and the other out to be desperate and broken and crying all the time. I wanted to do a more balanced rescue story, with mutual rescue, which is one of my favorite tropes for romance.

I started realizing even from ch. 2 in Hermann’s POV that Hermann was Not OK. That the years separated and the revelation of Newt’s possession had shattered him, but he had duct taped himself back together and fiercely refused to acknowledge he was anything but the hero designated to rescue Newt from his coma. Even the fact he’s spent a year Drifting with Newt to try to revive him was meant to be the reader’s first warning sign. Hermann isn’t just being a good partner, he’s not just a hero doggedly refusing to give up. He’s broken. He’s repeating the same attempt every day, shattering his own physical and mental health in order to dash himself to pieces against the problem of Newt’s recovery. This should be the first warning bell for the reader, and for Newt once he’s regained enough of himself to start paying attention to Hermann’s mental health.

I conceived of a crossover style narrative, where Newt would begin the story outwardly broken and in need of healing and begins to transition as he healed into the stronger party of the two. He starts breaking Circles all by himself as early as Circle 5, the midway point, technically he did so with help all the way back in Circle 2 but was too in his own head and convinced of his own weakness to notice. The point of Newt’s arc would be that with each Circle, he gets a bit of himself back. He faces his old traumas and re-writes them to become victories. The reality remains unchanged, sure, but new memories help to ease the old ones.

By the end, Newt’s only remaining trial is to face the memory of the Precursors and realize he was a hero the whole time, that he was targeted because of his strength, that they attacked his self confidence deliberately because they knew he was strong enough to defeat them, and that he doesn’t need to be prey to their manipulation anymore. Then, he’s able to step free of his own traumas in order to save Hermann. That was the big subversion I had built in from Ch. 2 onward. I wanted Newt to be the hero of his own recovery, not without help, but the help was to pull him out of the depths of despair so he could be his own hero.

Hermann’s assurance that he’s the hero of Newt’s story is in fact hubris, and that hubris is why it takes him so long to figure out what is in fact the embarrassingly simple reality that they are in the Drift, so these Circles are constructed from both their memories and the traumas being addressed belong to both of them. His blindspot is himself, as it is with many people. Newt doesn’t recognize this in part because Hermann is so tight-lipped and secretive about the trauma of those 10+ years. So Newt is buying that Hermann is fine because Hermann says he’s fine. That is, until the evidence becomes overwhelming that he isn’t. Each Circle has in fact, brought Hermann face to face with his failures, and it’s reopening the wound until the point where he shatters from the self-imposed guilt.

Hermann’s arc in the story is also a recovery arc, but he needs to actually finish falling before he can pick himself up again. “The only way out is down” is the title and the theme of the story. In order for recovery to begin, they have to push deeper into the things that hurt them, rather than running away, before they can come out on the other side. Newt had to regain his strength because he’d already hit rock bottom and was honest with himself about this fact. Hermann’s journey is first and foremost to stop lying to himself. He can’t begin to recover until he’s acknowledged that losing Newt, learning Newt was possessed and he did nothing to prevent it, the vengeance he took on the Precursors by destroying their planet, and the devastation of that not being enough to wake up Newt immediately actually broke him and he is not ok as a result. It may seem outwardly that the narrative is therefore punishing Hermann, saying he needs to be pushed down while Newt is raised up, but I always envisioned it more that the wound has festered. It needs to be reopened and cleaned so it can heal properly, even if on the surface that looks like he’s being wounded all over again, it’s actually a step in the healing process.

So knowing this was going to be the parallel arcs of the characters back in Ch. 2 I actually went ahead and said it in the dialogue:

“…The journey into Hell was instructive, not punitive.” Hermann frowned. “But you are not Dante, and I am not Virgil who can keep whatever is down there from harming us….”

In addition, many times Hermann notes Newt’s parallels to Virgil without connecting the dots, for example when he notes in the same chapter that Newt’s catchphrase, “Fortune favors the brave,” is actually a Virgil quote. Hermann assigns himself the role of Virgil/Savior, and Newt goes along with it because he doesn’t know Hermann needs saving too, but it’s Hermann hubris and part of that too is that Hermann did not do a close enough read of the text until it’s too late.

Hermann is the one going on a journey into a strange place, which is Newt’s mind, where he is in fact an outsider. Newt is a native of this Hell, just like Virgil. Newt has seen all these memories before. While Hermann has a surface level knowledge of Inferno and the order of the Circles of Hell, that doesn’t mean he’s an expert on what’s actually in them the way Newt is. In fact, as early as Limbo, it’s Hermann asking Newt to explain what’s happening in the Circles/memories, in dialogue that is deliberately cribbed in its formatting from The Inferno.

“"Tell me, my master, tell me, lord,“ [Dante] thenbegan because [he] wanted to be certainof that belief which vanquishes all errors,"did any ever go – by his own meritor others’ – from this place toward blessedness?”

Parallels with:

“Newton, stay with me, what are we looking at here?”

“I’m trying, Herms, but.. ugh, I think I’m feeling kind of seasick? I’m here but I’m also…also there? I don’t…”

“Why would it be showing you this? This level corresponds to Limbo. Think!”

Even the opening quote from Inferno in the chapter summary is taken from when Dante and Virgil go into Limbo and is meant to be one of the first clues of what’s really going on:

The poet, white of face, began: ‘Now, let us descend into the blind world below: I will go first, and you go second.’ And I, who saw his altered color, said: ‘How can I go on, if you are afraid, who are my comfort when I hesitate?’ And he to me: ‘The anguish of the people, here below, brings that look of pity to my face, that you mistake for fear. Let us go, for the length of our journey demands it.’

The poet is Virgil, who is in distress when he thinks about the horrors encapsulated in the Circles, which mirrors Newt’s fear of going into them. Similarly, the next chapter’s quote is:

I learnt that the carnal sinners are condemned to these torments, they who subject their reason to their lust.

But Newt didn’t choose, in TOWOID at least, to be subjected to Drifting with Alice. Newt is not the one who subjected his reason to his lust. Hermann did, by his own admission, when he admits he was too jealous of Alice taking Newt to visit Newt in his new home when he was invited, where he might have begun to learn that something was wrong.

There’s a thread of anti victim-blaming in this story that actually gives away the answer to the riddle very early on, when you realize none of the sins could apply to Newt because Newt was under duress in every memory, while Hermann had free will, which is the only way one can properly have guilt, which is what the Circles are actually addressing: Hermann’s sins, Hermann’s guilt, what Hermann believes he should have done differently to save Newt sooner, meanwhile these memories are constructed too so that Newt can gain strength from seeing himself freed over and over, from that demonstration that someone did are about him.

This goes back to ch. 1 when Newt gives his furious rant at Hermann for never noticing or caring. It’s not that Newt is actually mad at Hermann, by his own admission, he just wanted to see that someone cared enough to try to rescue him, and that’s what the Circles are accomplishing for him. Thus, the Circles are constructed from both of their needs, but Hermann’s is opening his eyes to how terribly he’s been beating himself up for not doing something sooner, to the point where he finally cracks and admits it to himself as well as Newt.

This is why I needed to do two drafts. Because like the characters, I actually went into the Circles not really knowing myself what made them break or not. I resolved to write out all the best thematic “memories” to match the 9 Circles and then find the internal link between them after. That required me to re-write Wrath, actually, in order to make sure it was clearer that Hermann was th eone who got angry, not Newt, and to throw up enough smoke around Newt’s body killing Hannibal Chau to make it seem like he was the one who acted with the traditional definition of “Wrath”.

Actually, each Circle is very carefully constructed so that Newt’s actions are the surface level definition of the sin discussed, but Hermann is the one who actually committed the sin. Newt is physically suspended in Limbo, but it’s by the Precursors. He’s trying to reach out, but he can’t. Hermann is the one with full autonomy who refuses to reach out once he perceives himself as rejected. Lust has Newt in the throes of physical pleasure, but it’s not a pleasure he chose and Lust itself is not a sin. It’s the act of Lust being used to harm others, Hermann’s sexual jealousy of Alice leads him to the sin of abandoning (unknowingly, he’s actually pretty hard on himself) Newt to these torments. And so on.

A lot of effort was put with the second draft to make a casual reader see the sins as Newt’s and the careful reader to see the sins as Hermann’s. By knowing this from ch. 2 on I was able to interweave into the story these two layers so that a careful reader could sense something subtly off about the characters’ interpretation of events, e.g they’re Newt’s sins, until the final revelation in the chapter Treachery, which I hoped would be a gut punch when everything fell into place, which in a way is the “passage” I’m responding to with this ehehehehe….

#my writing #the only way out is down #meme response #newmann #fanfiction meta #pr meta #fic spoilers #shleyaay123

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