#it's decorative gourd season motherfuckers

[cutthroatchorus]

My fiancé came home from the store and said "Close your eyes" then put this in my hand

He continued, "You had a bad day, I thought you might like a gourd."

And he was right.

#I fucken love gourds #It's decorative gourd season motherfuckers #I have named it Squidmo

[innytoes]

Hello, can I request 14. Every time I come home there are more tiny pumpkins everywhere and it’s driving me insane from your autumn prompts list, with Alex being the one who's being driven insane? - @michelangelinden

Also for @floating-in-the-blue who asked for Willex + 14

Listen, it wasn't like Alex minded the way all his friends seemed to go insane about fall every year. He was used to Luke pouncing on him whenever he saw someone had placed a pumpkin at their front door, hollering 'it's decorative gourd season, motherfucker'!. He thought it was cute that Reggie, Flynn, and Julie did a Pumpkin Spice Latte Grand Tour to find which coffee shop had the best one. (Even if he always needed to call for backup when they came to the studio full of seventeen small PSLs worth of caffeine.)

He helped Reggie and Carlos hang up their ghost lights in the studio, he complimented Mister Molina's wreath on the door, and he quietly wondered why everyone seemed to be celebrating the start of flu season. Still, he didn't want to be a killjoy over something so harmless. He had way better things to be a killjoy about.

So when the first pumpkins arrived in his apartment, he didn't even notice at first. They were clustered in a little group of three on his coffee table. It was right after The Great Pumpkin Spice Latte Disaster Of 2022, so he almost managed to convince himself that maybe he'd put them there himself. Despite his best attempts (and because Luke and Willie were no help) they'd dragged him to the dollar store. Reggie kept adding fall and Halloween themed stuff to their basket, even though they said they just wanted some snacks.

He'd tried to put them back discretely, but clearly some had come home with them. Maybe he'd taken some home with him.

But then more pumpkins arrived. Another three, clustered on his book shelf, next to his favourite cactus, the one Willie called Alex Junior. One on his nightstand, on top of the book he was reading. Three lined up on the top of his ancient not-that-flat-screen TV. One in the soap dish in his shower.

It would be cute if Alex didn't live alone.

Reggie was the only one who had an emergency key, but Reggie swore up and down that he hadn't broken in to keep leaving tiny pumpkins at his place. In fact, at the anxious look on Alex' face, he carefully asked if Alex was okay and if he wanted Reggie to sleep over or something.

He almost said yes, but somehow that made his whole 'tiny pumpkins keep appearing in my apartment and I'm worried I might be axe-murdered by an evil Halloween spirit or a serial killer who has a Tiny Gourd Fetish' anxiety feel more real and grounded in reality. It probably wasn't that. It was probably just Luke playing a prank or something. Right?

He was fine. Totally fine. It wasn't freaking him out or anything.

But then one day, he came home, to find Willie perched on top of a stool on top of his coffee table, carefully trying a pumpkin on a seethrough string to his ceiling fan.

"YOU!"

"Hey, Hotdog!" Willie said cheerfully, finishing up his handiwork with a flourish before hopping down.

Alex spluttered at the lack of guilt. "You... how... you don't have a key!" Not that he didn't want his boyfriend to have a key. He was waiting for their anniversary in a few weeks to ask him to move in with him, okay? He had this whole romantic date planned.

"Babe, you think I need a key to get into your apartment?" Willie asked. "That's so cute." He came over and pressed a kiss to Alex' cheek. "Do you like it?" he asked, making jazzhands at the now seemingly floating pumpkins above his coffee table.

"I just... why?" was all that would come out of Alex' mouth.

"Because you love the season so much," Willie said. "But you never decorate or do anything for yourself. I wanted to do something special for you."

"I don't... I- okay." The fact that Willie had gone through all this trouble just to do something to make Alex smile made his heart hurt. He pulled Willie close, kissing him thoroughly.

"I love it."

Maybe he did like fall a little after all.

#willex #julie and the phantoms #fanfic #I wrote a thing #alex mercer #willie throckmorton #the pain I suffered calling it fall instead of autumn #it's decorative gourd season motherfuckers #willie you're trying to be a good boyfriend but you have fundamentally misunderstood the situation #except for how maybe you haven't #ALEX FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE TRYING TO NOT BE A SARCASTIC ASSHOLE ABOUT SOMETHING #Willie: ah yes he must love the season as much as his friends #willie's top tip for being a good boyfriend: crime

[acelessthan3]

They charged me $0.50 for a white ghost pumpkin instead of $1.23 for a decorative gourd, suckers.

#acelessthan3 #pumpkin #it's decorative gourd season motherfuckers #no i will not be fucking it it is for decoration and cute pictures with Baby Ginger

[anneisalwaysangry]

#IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON MOTHERFUCKERS #it's about goddamn time I put the Greatest McSweeneys Article on the tumblrs #halloween #autumn #CHECK OUT MY SHELLACKED DECORATIVE VEGETABLES ASSHOLES

[mrmackquack]

Can't wait to hang up some toast in a tree and get drunk like a pagan

#it's decorative gourd season motherfuckers #seasons greetings #traditional Christmas #wassail

[adventuresofsnake]

"One thing to know about me? I love a fucked-up looking gourd. The weirder that thing looks, the more festive I feel. The more ALIVE."

#Decorative gourd season motherfuckers #the adventures of solid snake #mgs #solid snake #metal gear solid

[ursaminorjim]

#snaps that heaven allows #Halloween #me #my face #It’s decorative gourd season motherfuckers

[permanently-changing]

Welcome to Autumn, fuckheads

McSweeneys

#it’s decorative gourd season motherfuckers #McSweeneys

[mightypieworkshop]

We got some fun fall vibes on the felting pad last night! Also I realized that my fall show extravaganza kicks off NEXT WEEK and I am full of SCREM. Here’s where I’ll be this fall:

Sept 23-25:Cincinnati Comic Expo, Duke Energy Convention Center

Oct 7-9: CinCityCon, Sharonville Convention Center

Oct 14-23: FrogCon (online)

Nov 4-7: AcadeCon, Dayton Convention Center

Nov 19: Sycamore Band & Orchestra Boosters Craft Show, Sycamore High School

#needle felt #needle felting #gnome #pumpkin #it’s decorative gourd season motherfuckers

[aroace-and-has-a-mace]

IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

#it’s decorative gourd season motherfuckers #i fucking love fall #best season #i love that shit #the crispy ass leaves #the chilly air #this is the good shit

[innytoes]

I am late I feel like but Autumn prompts Number 1 with Reggie and anyone.

"IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON MOTHERFUCKERS!" Reggie shouted, pouncing on Alex' back. Alex, after years of being in Sunset Curve and thus used to Luke and Reggie's shenanigans, automatically caught him. He brought his hands under Reggie's thighs, hoisting him up in a piggy-back. Reggie beamed, hooking his chin over Alex' shoulder and clinging to him like a baby koala.

"It's what?" he asked, the words only now filtering through.

"It's decorative gourd season! I saw my first pumpkin today," Reggie explained. "Your boyfriend taught me that."

"My boyfriend taught you to swear?" Alex said, giving Willie a reproachful look.

"I'm pretty sure he knew the word 'motherfucker' before he met me, Hotdog," Willie said, amused. "It's a meme."

Willie had explained all what a meme was. Alex was still a little vague what the difference between a meme and a regular joke was, but apparently there were a lot of them now. Still, it was fun to make Julie wonder where the hell they'd learned about 'that's so sad Alexa play Despacito'.

Reggie adored the dramatic chipmunk and the word 'yeet'. Luke had taken 'anyway here's wonderwall' and ran with it, trotting it out every time Julie was annoyed with him over something. Alex' favourite was the sarcastic 'sure jan'. He got a lot of use out of that one.

"Also, how is it pumpkin season already? It's September. Isn't pumpkin season supposed to be October?"

"Hate to break it to you, hotdog, but Pumpkin Spice Latte season starts in august. People are like, really into fall these days."

"Wh-why?" Alex asked. This was LA. They didn't get fall. They had summer, and slightly less warm summer.

"Because it's spoopy season!" Reggie crowed. "And it's even better, because now we're ghosts! It's our season, Alex!"He wriggled so much that Alex dropped him on the couch. He did not use the word 'yeet', even if he did think it, maybe. Dammit, Reggie.

"It's like eighty degrees out," he said.

"Soooo, is that a no to going to a pumpkin patch, stealing some pumpkins, and floating them around with the words 'repent, homophobe' on them in the yard of a homophobic congressman?" Willie asked. Reggie turned to Alex, puppy eyes on full display.

"Well, I didn't say that," Alex muttered.

"Yesss!" Reggie cheered.

#julie and the phantoms #fanfic #willie throckmorton #alex mercer #reggie peters #it's decorative gourd season motherfuckers #I wrote a thing #of course Willie's favourite memes are 'my cousin throckmorton' and 'road work ahead yeah I sure hope it does'' #is this willex is this ralexie you tell me #either way the boys are gonna have a good time

[noah-luck-easterly]

The heatwave has broken in DC! There's a chill in the air and you know what? https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/its-decorative-gourd-season-motherfuckers

#it's decorative gourd season #motherfuckers

[voidingintotheshout]

‘Tis the season:

IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS

by COLIN NISSAN

Originally published October 9, 2009.

- - -

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well, then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

Source:

#Colin Nissan #mcsweeneys #fall #halloween #it’s decorative gourd season motherfuckers #a classic

[cataclysmic-cathexis]

Time for this seasonal classic

#decorative gourd season motherfuckers #it’s autumn y’all #mcsweeneys #Halloween #Halloween vibes #decorative #home decor #fall vibes #autumn vibes

[adulthoodisokay]

it’s decorative gourd season, motherfuckers

#decorative gourd season #please read that link if you’ve never read that mcsweeny’s article #it is ICONIC

[returnsandreturns]

if i go an entire autumn without referencing the 2009 mcsweeney's essay "it's decorative gourd season, motherfuckers," assume that i have been murdered and replaced with a clone