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moondustis · 4 years

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remember when (m)

pairing: jaehyun + reader genre: angst, smut, soulmate!au, rich kid!au, convenience marriage!au, hurt/comfort, college!au (more details + warnings after read more) word count: 12,7k summary: A story about vulnerability and the lines we draw to avoid it. About soulmates, desires, setting yourself free. And, of course, a story about love and discovering exactly what it is. song recs: skin by mac miller and pure love by hayley williams

warnings: there are some mentions of drug use, brief mention of mental issues, bad parenting. just overall some subjects that might not be comfortable to read like i usually put on my fics but it's nothing out of the ordinary, and nothing graphics happens! disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. none of the events described are real or are an accurate representation of the people and brands named.

a/n: i would like to thank mary (neostains) for requesting this fic and cami (caiuscassiuss) for helping me with some informations about how ivy leagues work lol. this is my longest work so far, i think, and it’s a very special one. i hope you guys enjoy it!

✶

There was a time in your childhood where you remember being obsessed with princess movies. Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, name a fairytale and you would have probably watched it a couple of times, entranced by the images playing on the newest television your father had bought.

Isn’t it fucked up that young girls are always fed this stereotypical image of love? It’s like a woman is not good for anything but to love someone, to be a half until she found the other and became whole. At 8 you ate that up like no one else.

At 11 your mother hires someone to give you a talk, about how the world worked and about the weird name that would appear in your arm once you turned 18. It feels like a lecture, the woman telling you about perfect matches, the probabilities of love and soulmates in a flat tone that didn’t make you feel as excited as you did watching the fairytales you used to like. When you tell your friends at school about it, they act surprised at the way you were told and instead, tell you about the stories about meeting your true love their own parents had shared.

At 15, your mother enrolls you in preparatory school, with full theatricals about intellects and getting into the best college possible so you can do your duty as heir of your father’s company when it becomes necessary.

It takes you a while, but you realize finally that love is nothing compared to money when you see for the first time that the name on your mother's wrist is not your fathers. Not long after that, you find out that for the sake of the company, you would be marrying Jung Jaehyun, heir of the second biggest automobilistic company in the country.

At 18 you think romance and love are trivial things.

⋄

NOVEMBER, 2013

It’s a harsh winter, one that makes your hands tremble and your head hurt more than usual.

You rub at your temples as you make your way down the hallway as students pass by you at the same pace as yours to get to their next class. A dreading routine, one that is so busy it leaves you with no time to think of anything else but the essay you have to write, or the grade you have been waiting to receive.

Today, though, your headache is so intense that your mind is filled with nothing but a black void.

Despite that, you walk in small steps to your literature lecture. Your bag feels as heavy as your head and the thick wool sweater you have on is barely enough to keep you warm, legs shivering from the stupid skirt they made you wear. Knee length, of course, but still a bother to sit and move.

Fuck boarding school, is what you think as you pass a group of boys talking loudly. One of them has a Harvard pin on his cardigan, you notice in the back of your mind. It only makes you feel sicker.

The first bell rings and you realize how slow you have been really walking. A faster pace, a muttered curse and then the second bells makes you feel like your ears are melting, headache increasing. Now you’re late, a rare occurrence that will probably not affect your records in any way, but still, makes you walk faster.

It all happens very fast. You turn into the corridor that leads to your classroom but not a second later you’re bumping straight into someone, books in your hand scattering to the floor and head spinning from the impact. It’s hard keeping your balance, but the harsh grip on your forearms helps and then you’re opening your eyes, that you didn't notice you had squeezed shut in the first place.

“Fuck, I’m really sorry.” The voice is familiar but the curse feels alien on your ears. Jung Jaehyun never curses, he has manners better than that. “I’m running late and walking too fast.”

He mumbles and you almost snort at the obviousness of it all. At the fact you were literally doing the same thing. “It’s okay. I should’ve been paying more attention.” There’s no reason for either of you to be apologizing, is what you think about as your hand immediately moves to your temple again in hopes pressing on it will cease the pain.

He’s looking right at you when you finally meet his eyes. His face is painted with embarrassment, the red hue on his ears a dead giveaway. He doesn’t keep eye contact for more than five second, instead moving to pick up your books for you. “Still, I’m very sorry.” He sounds polite, as always. The curse from before is still fresh on your mind.

You had met Jung Jaehyun at the age of 9, not that you remember exactly how it went. Some random brunch where you and him sat side by side as your mothers talked about whatever was happening seven years ago. You remember your old nanny being there, and how she asked sweetly if you would like more juice. You remember missing her when she got fired three weeks later for unrelated matters that were never told to you. And that’s about it.

After that, the years passed with Jaehyun being a weird presence in your life. The rich kids ran in the same circles, that didn’t take you a long time to realize and wherever you went he was there too.

German classes at 11, the birthday party of the daughter of someone you didn't know at 12, etiquette classes at 13. An event for your father's company at 14, one of his fathers at 15 and now at 16, attending the same boarding school and having to meet each other like this, with awkward smiles and polite conversation. Because navigating a relationship you didn't know the other very well, but too well at the same time was a weird thing to do.

Jung Jaehyun was like you, but at the same time he wasn't. You were friends but at the same time merely acquaintances.

But this you remember vividly: him asking you random things at german classes and making you laugh with his awkward pronunciation. Him eating cake by your side at the birthday party, covering his lips before he asked you if you like chocolate or vanilla more. Him making fun of you quietly for dropping down your fork loudly in the middle of etiquette class. Him standing awkwardly by your side while you got reprimanded by your mother during the event, for not properly remembering the name of a lady that came to greet you, your head down as you forced yourself not to cry in front of him.

And then, his father clapping yours on the back after they talked about how lovely it would be if someday the two of you got married to join economic forces. No, not someday. When you two got married.

You, pretending he didn't exist after that day, because you realized that this too you wouldn't get to decide.

Jaehyun clears his throat, hands you your books. “How is your father?” He asks, a stupid question to ask when you're both late. A stupid question to ask, period.

You try not to grimace. “He's okay. Alive.” And then he’s chuckling lowly, awkwardly.

“That’s good, no company to run at 16 then.” He tries to joke and it's amusing, in a way that for someone else might not be. But you two are the same, at least when it comes to this.

“And hopefully never.” A stupid thing to hope for, but still he smiles at you.

Then the moment is over, the third alarm sounds and both your eyes shoot open and you’re muttering goodbyes before heading to your classes.

Your head still hurts, but you don’t feel as cold anymore.

⋄

2015

Anticipation, isn’t that just a fancier word to describe the gut feeling that something is going to happen? Worst yet when you know exactly what it is, but have no possible ways of knowing the possible outcome.

There’s a window behind your advisor, with a view to the field where the lacrosse team practices. You watch it with a lack of interest as the older lady flips through pages and more pages of what is possibly your future.

No, not possibly. Definitely your future. Because at least to this, you knew the only outcome possible.

It’s a pretty day, one that shouldn’t be spent inside a room with wood furniture and shelves and more shelves of books, that are almost as many as the certificates on the wall. Not when it also happens to be your birthday.

“This is a really good essay, ___. You have a talent with words.” Your advisor breaks the silence in a flat voice despite it being a compliment. It makes your eyes immediately refocus on her but she gives you no time yet to reply. “I am sure the admission team will read it with interest.”

“Thank you.” A polite smile reaches your lips. She was never much of a praiser, not that she needed to be. Your last name carried all the confidence you needed to have for a thing like this.

And, perhaps the interest they would be having would be exactly about that. What does the only heir of the biggest automotive company in the country have to offer for Stanford? Probably a lot, with a weight that heavy on her shoulders.

“You have started applications to only two schools, are you sure you would not like to add more?” Now she says it in a weirdly soft tone. Persuasion, because it would look good for the school that one of their best students accepted to all the ivy leagues. Your GPA would make sure of that, but that's not all.

“I don’t see the point. Stanford has always been my only choice.” You say it as nicely as possible because this is an old conversation.

“I see, well. This is it then, there's a few other students interested in attending Stanford too." She smiles bitterly, gathering the papers and putting it back on their respective folders. "But the chances of you getting in are very good. I'm sure all your hard work will pay off.”

You go to thank her but at that moment there's a pinch on your arm that leaves you distracted. It's followed by a weird burning sensation that doesn't cease when you grip it underneath the table as gently as possible. If anything, the fabric of your cardigan only makes it worse.

She bids you your goodbyes, with pleasantries exchanged but when you reach the door to leave she interrupts. “Oh, I almost forgot. Happy birthday, ____.” She smiles when you turn to thank her. “Please enjoy the rest of the day, turning 18 is very special.”

With a small bitter smile and promise to do so, you leave the room.

You reach your dorm room in no time, a stoic face on but with quick steps. And you try not to think about it, but the burning sensation on your arms continues.

It goes like this:

You close the door behind you gently, dropping your things down and immediately crumbling as you slide to the floor, unable to stand still anymore. You cry, for the second time today because birthdays were just not good. For about 10 minutes that's all that happens, your silent sobs and complete silence filling the room.

The burning in your arms stays there as a painful reminder and it tempts you to look, even though you know that the outcome didn't matter, not for you. Because behind blurry teary eyes you can see perfectly the image of your own mother's arm and the name of someone you didn't know, that she probably also didn't.

Because you are now 18 and you think romance and love are trivial things, that's all they could be.

You are now 18, and when you can't stand not knowing for another minute, you raise the sleeve of your cardigan and the name Jung Jaehyun is there on your wrist.

An ugly, incredulous laugh leaves your lips and soon turns into a sob. Of course it had to be him, you and Jung Jaehyun were tied to each other for a reason that was beyond fate.

You squeeze your eyes at the same time your hands squeeze your thighs, trying to get a grip. You calm yourself down, deep breaths in and out, your mind providing the good and the bad. No matter how you looked at it, it seemed like a trick the universe was playing on you. One, it would be worse if another name appeared, a name that you would have to pretend didn't exist, because this was just another thing you didn't have a say in. This was supposed to happen anyway, maybe it was better this way.

Then your mind provides another thought that makes your mind swirl. Jung Jaehyun had turned 18 in February, your name had appeared on his arms months ago and he didn't say a word about it to you, or to anyone for all you know. Maybe he was pretending too, maybe he wanted more time thinking that at least this he would get to choose.

Well, whatever fairytale that had been created inside stupid minds, was gone now.

⋄

The whole thing is announced two weeks later, in a gossip magazine with information from an inside source. Information that is carefully crafted from a marketing team the moment you reveal the result.

A result, like a test had been applied and you got Jung Jaehyun for whatever reason.

You exchange pleasantries the next time you see him, no trace of being too young to know the rest of your lives already. You just look at each other in maybe defeat, while your families make a toast to celebrate a wedding to take place in a few years from now. A wedding that held meaning beyond the marks that tied the two of you. Destiny just helped a little bit, it was just a good excuse to justify a marriage that had been arranged ages ago.

A month later you get accepted to Stanford, of course you do. And your mother's smile is a loud reminder of every single time she called you and inquired about every grade, every step you made to make sure this happened and that it all happened accordingly.

It doesn't take you long to find out Jaehyun got accepted there too.

⋄

AUGUST 2016

The heels of your Miu Miu boots make small stomping noises on the wood floor sounds as you walk through shelves and shelves filled with books. It’s not a loud sound, probably only perceived by your own ears, and you let it distract you as you navigate the big corridors of the Green Library.

Stanford had made your eyes shine during your first visit and then for the first months of your freshman year. The thrill of finally experiencing something new and yet undiscovered carried on until it gave space to normalcy, another routine. But this time, a feeling blossomed inside your stomach with wanting to eat it up.

A feeling that died and resurrected every now and then, but you played it safe. Navigating it with baby steps with fear of what could happen if you strained a little too far from the line. And what could that be? A magazine spread on how a famous philanthropic's daughter parties too hard in college, with pictures of you doing a line on marble countertops? A class failed and the disappointment on your mother's voice when she called you? A scandal about your night escapades? You didn’t want to find out just yet.

So you settle for your new routine, of going out every now and then with the roommates that you were about to consider friends. Pondering if it’s worth it to join another club, just to feel like there's something else that makes you feel excited. Coming to the library, studying to keep your mind busy because your thoughts were never up to no good.

And it's so easy, being busy like you always managed to, with assignments, and volunteering and maintaining a perfect GPA.

It's also easy to ignore Jung Jaehyun’s existence. Because this time, unlike in boarding school, the task is much simpler, since classes are filled with so many people that on the ones you shared with him you barely get a glance of his eyes. Because he ran around in circles that had nothing to do with yours.

It was always clear to you, since youth, that Jaehyun was a social butterfly that just needed a little pushing, and he was nice enough that people always wanted him near. A high contrast to your quietness and introverted ways, staying in small circles and almost never allowing people to get too close.

It's weird thinking about him, putting a face to the name that was forever marked on your skin as a reminder of your future. It was weird thinking that it was easy to ignore this feeling too, like all the other ones that you have kept away in your small little box. The feelings that came out at least once a year when it all became too much, and you would sit in a duvet to spill all the dead butterflies inside your stomach out on the floor of a therapy clinic.

But even like this, weirdness doesn't begin to cover the way sometimes you catch yourself thinking of a memory that involves him, random and unexpected. A moment shared before the two of you discovered what expected you, before destiny was revealed. And you don't pretend that it's not real, that you don't feel the longing and need to be close, that your skin doesn't tingle when you see him around campus. You were long past pretending now, because there was no reason to play dumb when sometimes all you had were your own thoughts to rot your brain.

What you were good at, though, was concealing it all.

Was Jaehyun good at that too? Now that's something that you think about more than you would like. It didn't help that sometimes you would bump into him out of nowhere.

You enter the marketing aisle, eyes fixed on the small numbers taped to each section in hopes that the book you need was still here. It takes you awhile to realize that there's someone else with you, only moving your head up when you hear the footsteps approaching.

“Hi.” Jaehyun says, a small smile on his lips that is as gentle as every other thing about his looks. He stands close, but not too much. A safe distance for you to run your eyes through his body one time, eyes stopping at the big ‘S’ on his sweatshirt.

You clear your throat before greeting him back. “Hello.” Your voice is low, thoughtful of your surroundings, but you match his smile in a silent agreement of politeness.

His eyes run through your face the same way yours does his. Curiosity, or maybe the longing feeling you try to not think about. The unspoken space in between the two of you is intact for now.

He has changed so much in a year, is what you always think about when you two get to see each other up close. It always made you feel a weird nostalgia, seeing a face you had known for so long but now feels a little out of reach because of your own stubbornness. Your own fears.

“What book are you looking for?” He asks after some time, making small talk.

You turn your eyes to the books, him following. “Uhm, Kotler.”

“Oh, of course. How is marketing going?” You almost laugh at his attempt to make conversation, a skill well acquired during etiquette class.

“It’s okay. Not regretting it yet.” A half lie. Maybe another thing you were keeping locked deep down, your dislike for your major. But thinking about that while having a conversation with your soulmate was far from something you wanted to do.

He hums amused, eyes still fixed on the shelf. “That's good.”

You finally find the book, leaning down to get it and hugging it to your chest as your mind searches for something to offer for your own piece of ice breaker. Then you remember seeing his face last week printed on a glossy paper, an intricate article on consumerism tendencies online besides it.

“Congrats on the publication.” You say, facing him again. It’s genuine, because you knew how things like that really mattered. Small things that were nowhere near the accomplishments expected of the two of you, but still something to be proud of.

He laughs lowly, with bashful manners of looking down to his feet and with ears turning red. “It’s just a campus magazine.” Because of course he would be humble, amongst all the other qualities you were well acquainted with. Deep down you know that it's just a reflection of the high expectations that have been set the moment he was born.

“Still, it was very well written. And everyone said it was impressive for a freshman.” Everyone being the friend that showed you the magazine, but you'll pretend for him that it was something more. To try and erase the feeling of not deserving something that probably runs through his mind.

You would crush it beneath your boots if you could, it's the weird thought that runs through yours.

He huffs. “Well, it’s Stanford. Hard to know what's gonna be impressive and what is just expected of you.”

“Good thing we are all promising young adults that don't need their egos to be fed, right?” You joke back and it makes him laugh a little too loudly, quickly stopping himself as you two exchange awkward but familiar glances with tiny smiles on your lips.

A moment of silence settles next, one that lasts only long enough for you to shift the weight from one leg to another. Then he's asking. “Are you… Are you doing something this weekend?”

“I’m expected at a company party.” You reply flatly, blinking twice but not really pondering the reasons for his curiosity. You two stare at each other for a second that passes quickly.

“The HSBC event?” He asks and you nod, expecting the words he says next. “Oh, I'll attend it as well.”

“Boring, huh?” An attempt to continue a conversation that should've ended by now.

“Yeah.” He looks at you, and then away, and then back at you. “I was thinking that we could have din-“

Footsteps interrupt his words and you look behind your shoulder to see who the newcomer is. A tall man, taller than Jaehyun even, smiles at you guiltily before he’s looking at Jaehyun and raising his brows. “We are late, dude.” He deadpans as you look between the two of them.

“Shit, I didn’t realize.” Jaehyun says in a groan, bringing his big watch to his face, and you have to contain a smile at the curse. Then he turns to you. “Sorry, I gotta go.”

“It’s fine.” You mumble, the book still held tight against your chest.

He waves awkwardly as the other man throws you another smile. You watch them leave with trembling fingers.

⋄

DECEMBER 2017

December always made you feel a little weird. Blame it on the cold and the days spent in bed trying to get the warmth you craved. Or on the impending approach of winter break and having to deal with your parents and your obligations for the month to follow.

But you try not to think about that just yet, when the time comes you'll deal with it. That's what you always do. For now you let your bed swallow you as you scroll down mindless through your instagram feed, double tapping publications of past boarding school acquaintances smiling with the Harvard location attached to each picture, just like the brand names are attached to their clothes. It's a little pathetic to you that your own account looks the same, with pictures carefully picked with a marketing tactic in mind.

Your little distraction is interrupted when the door to your room opens and your roommate, Ela, walks in, clearly shivering from the cold even underneath her thick dark grey coat. “God, it's fucking freezing outside.” She mumbles as a greeting, removing her boots and setting it close to the door before draping her coat on her chair.

“How was the meeting?” You ask from under your blankets, laughing a little as she drops her things on her own bed. The question makes her sigh loudly.

“That dude is still an asshole.” The dude in question being her partner to a never ending project of rebranding that sometimes stressed even you, from how much she talked about it. “But we are almost done with it now.”

“That's good.”

She plops on her bed, across from yours and a comfortable silence settles for a moment as she probably tries to have a moment of calmness.

Ela was an old face on your life, having attended the same school but never really getting closer than knowing each other's name. Still, it was good that you got paired to dorm with her. A familiar face that became a friend of sorts, as the two of you built a relationship on things in common and the want to have someone you could trust in a new place. And she was different than you, more outgoing, had a liking for socializing that you could never match, but still understood you.

“Hey, did you finish that essay already?” She asks, turning her face to you.

“Yes, it was bitch to write.”

“And Kotler is super boring to read.” A sigh escapes her lips and you agree loudly because she's right. Sometimes, when you allowed yourself a moment of wishful thinking, you would wonder what it would be like to have a major that you didn't feel like your brain was melting from boredom when reading about.

“I'm really tired.” You reply, just to say something back.

“Same. Are you doing something for winter break?”

In your mind you know exactly what you'll be doing, a schedule even ready on your mind, but instead you say “Not really, are you?”

She hums, voice tired but still excited as she goes on about how she wants to go to Europe again, visit Amsterdam because that was one of her favorite travel destinations. When you ask how it was, she describes in perfect detail, how the streets looked and how it felt very welcoming, telling you that you absolutely had to go there someday.

You promise to go and in the back of your mind you wish you could. Maybe you can if you can do more week hours on your internship and ask for a free week.

You shake your head at that though.

“Oh, I got this little get together today. At that bar downtown.. .Do you want to go?” You know she’s asking out of politeness, not because she didn't want you there but because you rarely said yes to her invitations.

But there’s a tiny spark on your chest, one that resembles the restless feeling you would get when you stayed too long laying down. It's not a motivation as much as it is boredom and the wish to feel something other than half emptiness. Other than the want to escape.

“Ok.” You say, shrugging slightly.

“Really?”

The raise of her brow makes you laugh. “Yeah, we are getting home next week. That's the last time I get to do this for a while.”

⋄

The bar is a little crowded, with winter break approaching and no one really daring step outside for a smoke because of how cold it is. The owners took great advantage of that by offering a ‘buy two get one free’ deal, that if you take a closer look at is really just a scam considering the price. But it's enough to fool college students that are excited about being away from this place for a while.

That’s what you think about after you down the remnants of the third drink you and your roommate shared. It’s not that kind of night, of getting wasted and not remembering anything the next day. It’s more of a little get together, for your roommate's club members and you are here merely as an intruder.

You feel just a little tipsy as you listen to her friends talk, some of them you knew from afar and some were just strangers that were nice enough to make you laugh every now and then. Still, you feel detached from the conversation, smiling and nodding when needing but not really taking part.

“What about you, ___?” A girl with round cheeks and pretty eyes asks you regarding your vacation plans. “You gotta invite us if you are throwing a party.”

You scoff before you can catch yourself. Alcohol always drops your inhibitions a little, but still you are quick to cover it up. You laugh along with the others, promising to invite everyone even though you are not throwing any parties, most likely never.

You roommate looks at you from the corner of her eye, smiling sympathetically because she knows you, and knows how stupid her friends are, but it's fine. You just wish you could just take it easily, the interest, the wanting to get close so they too will appear in a gossip magazine and live the life they think you do, without wanting to tell them to get a fucking life already, because this is just pathetic.

You smile back at her, wishing for another drink as your thigh highs start to roll a little uncomfortably. Shifting from leg to leg does nothing to help it, so you try to push the little annoyance to the back of your mind.

The small groups divide in different topics over the time, and you find yourself talking to some guy you had never seen before, that goes on and on about his amazing business ideas and how successful it's going to be when he finds the right stakeholders. You nod and try to focus through the whole thing.

The rest of the night goes like that. Fake laughter, loud music and conversation that gets more boring as the clock ticks, so you find an escape excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, not because you need to but to get away for a second.

In retrospect maybe it would've been better to endure another discussion about LA clubs and entrepreneurship.

The bar is so crowded that you have to excuse yourself at least five times, and on the sixth one you end up bumping into someone.

“Oh.” Is the clever thing you say when your eyes are met with Jaehyun already looking at you, his eyes lower than usual from probably taking advantage of the drink deal like you had.

He looks relaxed, hair parted in a way that shows his forehead and an all black outfit that doesn’t look as expensive as it probably is, but he makes it work so well that you do a double look while in your hazy state. If he notices, he doesn’t show it by the way he keeps his smile unfazed at you.

“We gotta stop seeing each other by accident,” he says, laughing a little.

“Yeah.” His words take a little to digest so you keep looking at him for a beat of a second. It’s a first, seeing him in a place like this. Where you can see just how well he really can adjust to any setting. He fits right in with the low lights and the relaxed atmosphere.

“This is Johnny.” He gestures for the guy besides him, who turns his attention to you and smiles in a way that’s a little familiar. Then you realize he’s the guy from the library over a year ago, and the friend Jaehyun posted pictures every now and then on his instagram page.

“Hey, It’s nice to meet you.” Johnny says, same smile from before still on and you return it. “Have heard a lot about you.”

That makes you laugh, a mixture of confusion and excitement and politeness that confuses even yourself. “Good things I hope.”

He tilts his head playfully. “Only the best things you can hear in place like this.”

The three of you share smiles, the interaction then turning into a conversation promoted by a question you ask, both from wanting to have something to say and out of curiosity. Johnny does most of the talking, explaining how he and Jaehyun had been friends for a while but only got closer now that they are attending the same university. They share a story of something that happened, them buying each other the same thing for christmas and you listen to the whole thing entranced.

It’s weird in some way how you can learn so much from your own soulmate from someone else. And it's weird how you react with joy, perhaps, to the teasing Johnny does to Jaehyun so naturally.

When the conversation settles down, Johnny looks between the two of you for a few seconds before he’s excusing himself to find an unnamed person. It was predictable he would do that, with the way he kept aiming the conversation to make it about Jaehyun, as if he somehow had to wing his friend to you.

You stare at your shoes, unsure of what to say now and maybe too worn out from the whole night to come up with something to talk about. But you don’t have to, because soon he’s asking “Are you here alone?”

You look up, a tiny smile on your lips. “No, I came with my roommate. But she's with her friends.”

“Oh, I’ll keep you company then.” He offers and you nod, following him to the bar where it's more illuminated and you can both lean a little on the counter.

Jaehyun is good at making people feel comfortable, you had noticed that many times before and it's no surprise when he asks you about your roommate, about what songs you have been listening to lately. He tries to keep a conversation with ease, even if it stays in the usual surface you two are used to.

If you weren't so distracted by everything, your mind would probably offer that it feels a lot like when you were kids and standing in the corner of a ballroom in uncomfortable clothes, talking about things that didn't matter.

“Have you ever been to Amsterdam?” You ask him suddenly when the past topic dies down.

“Yeah, it's really nice there.”

You hum, remembering your roommate's words. “That’s cool, I really want to go there someday.”

Out of nowhere he starts laughing a little, as if you had said something funny. When you inquire about it, he shakes his head clearly amused by the way his eyes squint a little from his smile. “It's just… Don’t you think it's weird that we have known each other for all these years, and all we do is do this weird small talk?”

You laugh too, speaking before you can stop yourself. “And still for some reason I feel like I know you.”

His eyebrows raise for a second but his smile is unfaltering, your statement not bothering him. “You know me.” He says, as a matter of fact. “And I know you.”

Now this makes you freeze, blinking slowly but it doesn't last long until you are covering your surprise by chuckling. Your eyes meet his and it strikes you that it's true, you know him and he knows you. Not everything, but what would be the fun in that.

Maybe that's why the two of you kept doing this small talk, to get to know each other better even in the smallest things. That's what getting to know someone is, after all. Not the business interviews and networking you grew up with.

You shake your thoughts away, leaning on the counter with one elbow and then resting your face on your palm. “What is your favorite thing about me then?” It's what you ask, in a playful tone to keep the conversation going. Or because you actually want to know, out of curiosity or vanity.

He chuckles, bringing his hand to his face as if in deep thought, before he replies. “I like that you are smart.”

The simplicity of it makes you snort. “Please, that's a cliche thing to say in a place like this.” You say, mimicking the words his friend had said to you earlier. “What does that even mean?”

“I don't know.” He shrugs while laughing, “Johnny just says things like that sometimes.”

You nod then, making an amused sound while you turn on the counter to stare forward. Your roommate is on the opposite side of yours, leaning against a wall while talking to a girl taller than her but just as pretty. The view makes a tiny smile settle on your lips, the beginning of a spark on your chest.

It always amazed you how people who didn't know their soulmate yet continued to live on, simply letting the universe do its thing naturally. In your young mind you had always thought that love was supposed to be a yearning that you couldn't control, that you would have to be with the person you love no matter what, and do anything to find them. That had changed now.

You turn to Jaehyun again. “What would you say is your favorite thing about me then, if we didn't know each other already?” You ask. It's a weird question because it makes him raise one eyebrow at you, but there's still not a trace of annoyance on his face.

“Isn't that also cliche to say?” He huffs. “That you are the prettiest girl I have ever seen?”

You can't help the embarrassed laugh that leaves your parted lips in shock. “Are you flirting with me?”

His ear gets an incredible red shade and you find it extremely charming. “It's just the truth.” He defends himself and it only makes you giggle more.

You thank him, tell him that you think he’s pretty too and correct it to handsome when he raises one eyebrow again. It makes a nice atmosphere settle and you feel comfortable enough to ask “So... if we didn't know each other you would flirt with me at a random party? Buy me a drink and all that?”

He smiles, dimples showing while he brushes his hair back. It's not the first time, of course, but you find yourself a little in awe at how pretty he actually is. Pretty in a way that makes you feel a little out of it, stunned by the way his lips start forming his next words.

“What do you like to drink?” He asks casually.

Now it's your turn to raise one eyebrow. “Hmm, I like Moscow Mules.”

You watch as he turns to the bar, calling the waiter over and ordering two drinks of your said preference. The mixture of feelings on your chest make you feel drunker than you did before and you wish you could put a name to it. Excitement, amusement, whatever it is only increases when he looks at you again.

“I’m Jung Jaehyun, by the way.” He offers, smiling sweetly and you match it when you realize what he's playing at

“I’m _____. It's nice to meet you.”

⋄

Playing pretend with him is easy, even more when the drinks make your inhibitions fall completely. Jaehyun tells a joke and you lean forward a little. Then you talk about something and he comes closer as if to hear better. Another drink and plenty of silly conversation later, he's completely invading your space in a way that you don't feel slightly bothered by.

Not even when leans to whisper in your ear. “Do you want to get out of here?”

You leave the bar giggling like the two mildly drunk people you are, basking in the joy of it and of the little fantasy you two have created. Jaehyun keeps you close, your hands linked and it's such a nice feeling that you get even more overwhelmed in a good way. The two of you walk almost glued to each other basically skipping and muttering playfully things just to say something.

When you are near the dorm complex, he stops abruptly and when you turn to him, his hands find your cheeks and his eyes search yours for a brief moment before he’s bringing your face closer to his.

It's a sweet kiss, contrary to what you thought it would be when you allowed yourself to think about this. You had always imagined desperation, not being able to endure not doing it anymore. But the reality is that Jaehyun kisses you with delicacy and even if there is desperation to it, it's not in a way that overpowers anything else. But in a way that makes you moan lowly, makes you press him even closer by grabbing his shirt as he moves his lips slowly against yours.

There are no fireworks, no deep realization that you are kissing the person you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. But it's good, makes you want more, makes you want to bring him closer than possible, and maybe that's proof enough.

You reach his dorm in a blink after that, him having a bit of a hard time opening the door but when he does it takes no time for you to be pressed to it.

For a moment he just looks at you, eyes hazy and shining. They run through your face the same way yours does his, with longing that is finally allowed. You try to quiet the way your heart beats by leaning forward and kissing him.

The kiss is hungry but never too fast, with his hands moving to your hips and you pulling on his lips. When you moan a little at the feel, he opens his mouth a little, sliding his tongue against yours and you swear at yourself for waiting so long. Swear that you will never get enough of this.

Your lips move together in a way that is proof enough to you that this is something else even in your drunk state. His lips are soft, tongue moving with yours as if he wants to take his time and when your hands move from his shoulders to his neck he shudders, parting from you with a wet sound.

“W-We should...” He murmurs against your lip and you nod before he even finishes, letting him lead you to his bed. It feels a lot like yours, and the rest of the room is just as familiar but you pay no attention to that when he lays you on it gently.

It’s no surprise that Jaehyun is a giving lover and you figure that out when he kisses you like he wants to find out exactly what you like. Exactly how to make you fall apart in his hands.

He does everything with an expertise that maybe should make you feel jealous, but out of all things you are, a hypocrite is not one of them. So he shows you what he has learn from other people, and you show him what you have

And he doesn't settle for anything less than kissing all over your body after the two of you get undressed. For less than telling you in whispered words that he has dreamed about this before so many times and immediately swallowing with his tongue the words you would never be able to let out.

That you had dreamed about this too. Dreamed about coming on his tongue as he eats you out, your hands grabbing at his hair and seeing stars. A giving lover, of the best kind, Even more when he asks, with his mouth shining with your arousal. “How do you want it?”

You blink as your mind spins with the endless possibilities, but the ultimate realization that you would have him any way. You decide on the one that gives you more control. “I… I want to ride you.”

He bites his lips, ears burning red again. “Yeah,” His words come out mumbles as he just looks at you for a second before moving to lay on his back. “Yeah, ok. Fuck.”

You straddle his hips after he rolls down the condom, his eyes looking up at you in what you think is adoration, pure desire. And then you kiss him again, all tongue but still slow. So deep that you think you’ll never forget what he tastes like.

He lets you sink down at your own pace, palms on your ass when you move slowly, feeling him stretch you with every inch you sit on. He hums, hands tracing your skin delicately and it only makes it so much worse.

You move, a grind at first testing the water and immediately crying out lowly from the friction and you look for support with nails grabbing at his chest. He doesn't seem to mind.

“Good?” A stupid question to ask with the way you are so wet around him that the room is filled with a squelching sound when you move up and down with all the patience in the world.

Still, you nod. “You feel - Fuck - really good.”

He looks down at where you’re connected, biting his lips to suppress the noises you want him to let out so you move your hips with purpose, eyes roaming his face to watch it contort in pleasure as he lets out the prettiest moan you have ever heard. Low and deep.

His hands move further down then, gripping your hips and moving you in a grind that feels too good. So good that you have to drop your arms to his chest for leverage as he moves you to his liking, pushing your hips back and forth.

You come with your back arching, long moan of his name as your entire body shakes and tingles and you have to grip at the sheets beside you for support. You try to keep moving as your orgasm washes over you but its too much and your walls clenching around his cock makes him grip your ass even tighter, the action sending a thrill down your body as you fall forward on his chest with a wail.

Your mind swims in the gooey feeling of pleasure and all you can think about is him. Jaehyun, Jaehyun, Jaehyun.

He waits for a second, hand moving to your back as your body trembles, drawing calming circles on it. When you have calmed down, he plants his feet on the bed and starts moving his hips up slowly and patiently but with deep strokes that make you bite your lip with oversensitivity.

And when you can, you move your head up, balancing yourself on your arms and looking at him. He wastes no time in kissing you, not deep because he parts his lips in a groan during a particular stroke, speeding his movements and grunting when you try to meet them back.

It’s when he has had enough, that he pulls out only to turn you on your back so he can enter you more easily, his hips now meeting yours in a pace that tells you that he’s close.

“Jae, oh… oh my god.” You sigh dreamily yet broken enough that it makes him smile when a sharp thrust makes your hips raise a little. He looks proud of being able to get you like this.

He hums as if agreeing with a very thorough statement, moving his arms so he can press his chest to yours as he fucks into you with calculated thrusts . You can barely move with his weight on top of you, with how he seems to lock you in place with his hips and it’s enough for another broken sob to fall from your lips.

“Deep?” He asks in a groan and with a nice slide of his cock inside of you to punctuate the question. You nod frantically because he’s as deep as he can get, knows this very well, and the feeling is something that makes you flutter around him in the desperate need to come.

He kisses your cheek then, two sweet but filthy enough with his heavy exhales against it. His pace never gets too fast, just hinting at it but he maintains a speed that leaves you in the brink of another orgasm. But, you only reach it when he pinches your clit with his fingers, circling it until your lips part in a silent scream and you’re coming again, stars behind your eyelids.

And the sounds he makes when your walls squeeze just a little more than he can handle are something else. A deep groan and a pained little sob that you find extremely endearing and hot at the same time, his face contorting as he quickened his pace just enough to push him over the edge, finally releasing inside the condom.

He pulls out, breath heavy as he smiles at you falling putty on the bed and watching as he removes the condom and disposes it only to come quickly to the bed quickly.

He hovers over you, kissing you sweetly. Your arms find his shoulders easily as the two of you bask in the afterglow of it.

Then he kisses you again, tongues dancing together and you don’t mind when his hand starts to wander again, sending goosebumps to your body. His fingers find your clit with ease, circling it slowly before applying more pressure as your lips part and your hand grip his arm, for support and not to cut the actions.

You come again, not as strong as your first one but still enough to have you shaking a little and screaming silently. His finger stays at your clit, hovering until he asks again in a whisper. “Another?”

You nod, and he resumes his actions slowly, until you are seeing starts and he swallows your moans with kisses and stops your trembling with soft hands grounding you.

When you recover your breath, an incredulous laughter leaves your lips. “You’re insane.” He just smiles, nose brushing against yours. “God, I...I gotta clean up now.”

He moves to get up. “Yeah sure, I’ll show you the bathroom.”

You end up cleaning together, a shower that doesn't take you long, even if it's hard to keep your hands to yourselves but you are both tired, feeling a little drained after the glow has gone away.

⋄

Afterwards, you are laying on his bed side by side, surrounded by the smell of his body wash and wearing the big t-shirt and sweatpants he offered you.

Your mind starts wandering lazily with the remnants of your high, that's why the words escape your mouth without much thought. “Isn't it weird that even if we have someone in the world meant for us we can still feel lonely?” You are not lonely right now, not really. Maybe it's just the sadness of winter speaking, or maybe you're still a little drunk.

He takes a second to reply, voice low when he does. “Yeah. But you don't have to.” He says.“ Feel lonely, I mean. You don't have to.”

It's a little funny how he feels the need to explain himself to you, as if you don't quite understand him when the reality it's both very far from that and exactly it at the same time.

“I don't think thats how it works. It's not up to me.” If it was, wouldn't you have stopped being lonely by now? Wouldn't you have finally succumbed to the desperate need of wanting someone, something, when late night hit and the mark in your arm would burn just as your eyes as you fought back tears?

Still, he says simply. “I think it is.”

You smile sadly then, turning to him a little and watching as he kept his gaze on the ceiling. He looked relaxed, as if this setting was soothing his mind and it makes a familiar feeling blossom on your chest. “What did you feel when the mark showed up on your arm?” A question that you had wanted to ask the moment you found out it was him, but instead had failed miserably to guess the answer to.

“Relief.” He says without thinking, a truthful and genuine reply.

“That you wouldn't have to end up marrying someone that wasn't your soulmate?” You ask. All these years you had thought that this must've been it, what you felt that day.

“No. I was relieved that it was you anyway.” Is his reply, body turning and eyes meeting yours. For a second you’re frozen, blinking because it’s strange to have someone put their feelings out so easily.

“Is… Is that what love is, then?” You ask softly. “Relief that you have at least one person that makes you feel held?”

Maybe this is not really what he meant, and more so wishful thinking of your part than anything else, but still he nods.

“I think it’s that. And other things.” His voice is soft when he says this. “I'm not sure what it is, but I want to find out.”

You can’t help as you examine his face after his confession. Is this what being soulmates is, then? Having someone that it's worth taking the risk of finding out? Or maybe it’s having someone that will show you exactly what it is.

Does all that explain the way you can't look away from him?

“Me neither.” You reply in the same quiet voice because it’s true. You tend to act like you know everything, and that you know what love is. You know love it’s pathetic and that it gets in the way of things, but is it really that bad? So you ask “Is it bad that I think you'll only love me because the mark on your arm tells you to?”

He laughs briefly. “No, it makes sense.” His eyes find yours again. “But you know it’s not, don't you?”

“I do.” At least you do now.

Maybe that's why you fall asleep so easily

⋄

2014 (flashback)

It’s the last day before summer break and Jaehyun is tired.

The other four guys he shared a room with are all packing their things for a nice vacation somewhere in Europe or one of the paradisiac beaches they all like to talk about. Jaehyun just wants to get home, not think about college applications for two months and maybe go somewhere he can be alone for a while.

“Sooyoung is kinda hot, huh?” Yugyeom says out of nowhere and the room settles in a unison hum of agreement. He joins in too.

There’s a loud creak noise as another one of his roommates slumps into the bed but he doesn't bother checking who it is, mind somewhere else as he stares at the ceiling.

“True. But I would die if Ela gave me her number.” Jungkook sighs dreamily and Jaehyun can't help the snort that escapes his lips. Just yesterday they had a conversation exactly like this one, but not quite as innocent. Trust a group of men that have no idea who their roommates are to act like this.

Even though Doyoung, the only one of them that already knew, still acted the same when it came to this. His soulmate isn't someone he knew already, so what was the point in waiting. That's why he asks the next question. “Jaehyun, you know ___, right? Does she stick to the whole ‘waiting’ thing?”

Jaehyun blinks, shifts almost unnoticeable. “I don't know her like that.” Is what he says, which is a half true. He knows her, probably things no one else knows but that’s what happens when you grow up in the same circles, he guesses. Right now though, he feels like he doesn’t know her anymore, not with the distance she had put between them after the wedding was announced by your parents.

Then, he starts thinking about himself. Is he waiting for his soulmate? He has kissed some girls, but it never went beyond that. But now he remembers coming home from german class one day and his mother making soft cake as she told him about the name that would appear on his wrist.

He remembers that he had said loudly that he wished ____ would be his name, because then they could be better friends for some reason as silly as playing around together.

Sicheng interrupts his thoughts by snorting loudly. “Are you really trying to hit?” He asks Doyoung. “Gonna end up in the cover of a magazine for trying to corrupt the nation’s good girl.”

The room erupts in laughter and comments after that. He drowns it with his mind going somewhere else.

That night he dreams about her.

⋄

10, FEBRUARY 2018

Winter break goes by quickly with one too many end of the year celebration and wishing people you had never seen before a happy new year.

You spend your days fulfilling your internship at the company you would one day own, following around the superiors for the Marketing team and playing nice when they try to flatter you.

So busy that you can barely think about it, but you still do. You think about him so often that you think you have lost your mind. And you see Jung Jaehyun too, here and there at parties, between whiskey glasses, tuxedos and unspoken words. Because, as you always thought, keeping it all unsaid is easier. At least for now.

Perhaps he knows it all, in a different way than you. So the two of you kept it lowkey, for the duration of those two months that are now gone with the wind. Two months of not a single magazine spread on your escapades, or you parents mentioning anything that is out of the ordinary.

It's as if the two of you have a secret, that some may assume, but still don't know for sure. What you and Jaehyun did that night is kept inside a locked box, one that you share with him and that every moment until now seems to fit in. What you don't know is if he too keeps the box as sacred as you do.

What you don't know is if the thought of it being opened by prying eyes scares him too.

Being back to campus is, ironically, a breath of fresh air. No more business meetings disguised as family celebrations, or stupid networking, or smiling for a camera to say that the company has never been better. No more internship and lack of time for something else.

February comes and it's just you, your dorm bed and the roommate you will miss when it's time. Just the lectures and keeping busy and trying not to think about things only to fail miserably.

But then, there are the phone calls, never ending and always the same. Or almost always.

The phone lights up, stupid ringtone, and your heart starts beating a little faster. How could someone ever guess what a phone call is about? Not having control made you antsy.

Your mother greets you as always, stern words, asking how you have been out of politeness. You spend the entire phone call waiting for her to just say what she wants to already.

She mentions being busy, good opportunities, of an article you should read and something that sounds like a threat if you let yourself slip and get a scandal, even though she has said all this not long ago after gifting you another piece of jewelry you’ll keep stored deep in your drawer.

At least this time it doesn't take long for her to finally say what she wants. “Jaehyun’s birthday is soon. Don't forget to greet him.”

“I won't.” You reply simply but she’s quick to cut you off.

“Publicly. Maybe sending flowers would be good, or buying something that can get attention from the press.” It’s obvious this is not about you and your soulmate, it’s about you and your future. As everything is.

“Ok.”

“Just because he's your soulmate doesn't mean people will connect you two together forever.” She continues, never knowing when to stop. “You have to remind them of that.”

“I know that.” Because you do. There was no guarantee that your marriage with Jaehyun would be good publicity if the two of you weren’t liked or even popular.

You fear that when the time comes, people will realize something you yourself already has. That maybe you don’t really deserve Jaehyun, not because he’s better than you, but because you are not sure you can give him the love he deserves.

What you don't know clearly yet, is that you’re selfish and want him anyway.

“Good.” Your mother says and then the line cuts.

One time a therapist told you that maybe your mother was jealous. Because you would get to experience something she didn't, being with your soulmate, and that it was normal. It didn't mean she was evil and hated you. Another one said that that was the reason she was so stern, she wanted to keep you in line to prevent you from failure so as to not hurt you. That, behind the lack of affection, was a wish for your happiness.

Maybe there will be a time you understand that plenty. Maybe some things can never be truly fixed, only forgotten.

Four days days after that, you text Jaehyun a simple happy birthday with a heart at the end of it. You also get a chocolate cake sent to his place from a bakery you like, and when he calls to thank you, you tell him to not post it anywhere.

He laughs and tells you that it's a good idea.

⋄

2007 (flashback)

It was another late afternoon party, for another thing that you couldn’t remember or care about because things like this shouldn't really matter when you are only ten years old. Still, you had watched the other kids play with each other as their parents talked business and laughed, drunk from the bubbly drinks they downed glass after glass of.

For a moment you felt like reaching out and playing with them too, but it died soon and you stayed unmoving on the chair you had been placed in, while your parents did the same as the others somewhere in the distance.

It had been a pretty day, you remember, the sun was about to set and it made the shiny fabric on the tablecloths that were spread around the individual tables set outside, sparkle just the tiniest bit. You played with it to have something to distract yourself with.

You remember too, that Jung Jaehyun and his family were at the table right in front of yours, your parents greeting each other and talking briefly. Later on the party you had watched as he listened to something his mother said to him. She was beautiful, like your own mother, and you had heard her voice before so it had been easy to imagine in what tone she was speaking. Soft and low, how warmth felt like. As to the content of her words you would never know, but it had clearly been something nice because it made her son laugh as she patted his head.

You didn’t know back then that this moment would stick with you for the years to come, for a reason that at ten years old you were just beginning to understand. But still, the weird twist in your stomach, as you started to realize that something was wrong, would be felt many more times. As you realized that your family dynamics were not as warm as the others appeared to be.

⋄

25, FEBRUARY 2018

What you and Jaehyun have turns into something hard to describe.

The line you had so clearly put between the two of you, to avoid your future, had been replaced now by acceptance and the weird feeling of navigating a relationship that It’s still a new thing, but it’s also nice enough. Especially when he sends you a silly text and jokes about something, later on commenting the same thing on one of your instagram posts. It makes you feel giddy, that you have a shared secret.

Even more when he gives you a small knowing smile across the table while your father is non stop talking about the new model the company is about to release.

It’s a small dinner to celebrate Jaehyun’s birthday, or at least as small it can be in a restaurant like this, where the waiter will look you up and down if you are not wearing your prettiest silk dress and stiletto heels.

The whole thing had been rescheduled twice, because of busy schedules and whatnot, and now that both your parents had been able to fly here, you all sit underneath lowlights and drink expensive wine that is accompanied by a conversation that is so boring that you have trouble keeping up with it.

He finds you on the rooftop, hair blowing a little as he walks to you and in the back of your mind you think it’s a crime that he looks this good in a suit. That’s probably all the wine you had talking.

“Sorry I left you alone there.” You mutter with a sympathetic smile thrown his way when he reaches you, but you both know you are not sorry at all for escaping the stupid conversation your parents were having.

He chuckles. “You leaving was just a reason for me to escape too.”

The two of you turn to look at the city, the illuminated buildings looking minuscule from here but the tiny lights from each of them make for a breathtaking view. Jaehyun stands so close to you that your arms touch. You don’t mind.

“Looking at the city like that makes me feel really small.” You whisper, without really thinking.

“That’s because we are.” You hear his voice clearly, warm like honey and you don’t try to help the smile that forms in your lips.

“How do you do it?” The question makes him look at you, raising one eyebrow. “I mean, you always sound like you got it all figured out. While I just say the most random stuff because I don’t know who I am.”

You know you are the heritage left to you, the face of your father's company, a good student, smart. One of the few socialites that have never stepped a foot out of line, according to the magazines. But take all that and what’s left?

“I don't.” He says simply, “I’m just good at pretending, like you are.”

That makes you laugh. “Good to know we are both good at playing our roles.” You say, as a joke, because you are sure the two of you are beyond the acting now.

And It’s always funny to you how the masks the both of you put on fall completely when you are alone. That’s what it means to be friends, you had realized, and that’s what you decide to call your relationship for now. Friends, from a long time, that happened to be tied together for other reasons.

And Jaehyun is a friend that sometimes makes you feel like you deserve the love you crave.

“Hey. You are ____.” He says after a second, for good measure. “That's enough, you don't have to be anything else.”

“Is it enough for you?” You ask without really thinking.

He smiles, dimples showing and your heart grows warmer. “Yeah, and we can figure it out together. Who we are and all that.”

You share a smile, both staring forward at the view and shivering a little from the night wind.

“I’m sorry for getting you into these deep conversations.”

He laughs deeply at that, with his whole body. “It’s good, don’t worry. I want you to trust me, even if you won't let me get to know you.” And you do, you want to desperately trust him and let him in. ”Because you are scared I can't handle your daddy issues or something.”

A scoff mixed with laughter leaves your lips. It’s been a long time since you were able to joke about this with someone. “It’s mommy issues, please get it right.”

He turns to you with a silly smile on his lips. “Is it because she made you take those piano classes?” He jokes and you laugh before tilting your head.

“Wait, how did you know I played the piano?” That was ages ago, finally a hobby that you enjoyed amongst the numerous other classes your mother had enrolled you in. You played it for a long time before you stopped completely for whatever reason.

“You told me, when we had to introduce ourselves and talk about things we liked in german class.” He explains. “You said you liked it, even though your mother forced you to go.”

You turn to him now as it strikes you that Jung Jaehyun remembered you from his childhood the same way you remembered him. Not the same things, but still memories. The thought is so comforting that you can’t hold the way your cheeks move up in a smile.

“What about you?” You question. “What things did you say you liked?”

“Hmm, I don't really remember.” Is what he says with a shrug.

You two share a look, perhaps meaningful but maybe that's the wine making you feel on cloud 9 under his gaze. “What do you like now?”

He chuckles as if your interest is amusing. “I like… music, getting coffee with friends. That kind of thing.”

“Not cars?” You joke, making him laugh. You decide then that you like making him do it.

“I mean, a little.” He replies playfully, and it’s very easy to be comfortable like this.

It’s good to know after all this time Jaehyun was like you, even if you felt alone in the world sometimes. That’s what a soulmate must be after all, not the missing piece to make you whole but someone that makes you realize exactly that you don't have to be.

“We should get coffee together sometime.” You offer after some time, a gentle smile being shared between you two in laziness, at the thought of soon having to return to the restaurant and popping out of the bubble you have started creating for yourself.

“We should.” He says, and the bubble stays afloat a little longer.

⋄

JULY 2019

It’s another charity Gala, with sparkly lights, champagne, fake smiles and a dress too tight. Everything is the way it always had been, except for you.

And Jaehyun, whose hand stays on your waist as he guides you through a slow song. He had wanted to dance, said he always thought it was nice when lovers did it in movies.

Lovers. The mere use of the word had made your heart somersault in your chest, but you kept it down. Instead, you move with him with soft smiles adorning both of your faces.

Your hand finds his cheeks. Nothing could describe the look you give him in the light but pure admiration. And you don’t care if anyone sees it, you don’t care if it ends up in a magazine spread. Because even if everybody knew about it, this is yours.

The way he brings his hand on top of yours, and how his eyes match the exact look on yours. Every little detail about it makes you know that this right here belongs to the two of you and nothing can change it.

“Jaehyun?” Your voice is low, almost inaudible underneath the music and conversation echoing through the ballroom. “I don't want to be here anymore.”

His eyebrows raise at your confession, steps faltering for a second as he loses the rhythm “What? We can leave right now if you want.” He offers. “I came with my own car, so we can-“

Your soft laughter interrupts his words. “No, I don't mean right now.” You explain, swallowing around your next words. “I meant.. I don't want to keep playing a role, I want to go somewhere with you where no one knows us.”

A smile grows on his lips, one that tells you that he understands exactly what you mean. And you don’t have to guess anymore, there are no more maybes. You know.

“Okay, we can do that.”

He pulls you closer, dance now long forgotten as you just move in complete muscle memory.

“I want to find out.” You confess in a whisper. A secret between the two of you that no one else would ever know. “I want to go somewhere with you and find out.”

You wonder if he already found the answer to it, to what love is. But you also don't need to know right now, because you will know when you have to. Either way you want to find out and it's not for you to guess.

He smiles genuinely at you, with his dimples showing, like he always smiles at you.

You smile back, heart aching from something that can only be only be explained by years of shared stories, and in your mind, deeper connections that go beyond what everything and everyone inside this ballroom would understand.

You smile back, in the exact way you have always smiled at him.

⋄

APRIL 2020

A ray of sun peeks from the half closed curtains and set right above your eyes, getting you to wake up lazily and slowly. It takes you a while to come to it, the sheets on the bed just now starting to feel truly familiar with the warmth left on the bed, from someone that had probably gotten up just a little before from you.

You blink once and twice before your eyes are completely open, vision still unfocused but it slowly comes back as you stare at the bedside table. A lip balm is the first thing you see, then your phone and lastly a picture framed of you and Jaehyun hugging in front of the sunflower field at the Van Gogh museum. He’s laughing, at something said by the kind fellow tourist that had offered to take your picture, and you have the beginning of a smile on your own lips. One that you mimic perfectly now as you remember that day.

Your thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the door opening and Jaehyun walks in the bedroom, holding a bowl. His eyes are still drowsy and his hair a mess but you think he looks right at home. Because he is.

“Morning, baby.” His voice is low and raspy, but enough to make you melt even more on the sheets.

“Good morning.” The smile settles fully on your lips now.

He sits on the bed next to you then, almost drowning inside his large t-shirt and hair plopping cutely when he tries moving even closer to place the bowl with sliced fruits on your lap. “We gotta add apples to the shopping list.” Is all he says and you nod while picking a slice of melon and chewing it leisurely as you bask on the hazy feeling of still being half asleep

Jaehyun stays by your side, head weirdly pressed to your chest, and asking silently for you to feed him apple slices every now and then with just his mouth opening.

Your mind wanders as you eat and then you’re having one of those moments where realization dawns on you finally. A silly small thing that makes you smile and your chest grow warm. “Jaehyun?” You call out softly, fighting back the bubble of happiness that forms on your chest because old habits are hard to die.

“Hmm?” He looks up at you, eyes blinking at you in the same way he always does, but this time it makes you want to cry a little bit.

You lean down, press a quick peck to his lips that make you both smile and then the words are out of your mouth.

“This is what love is.”

#here she is!#cant wait to hear what you guys think about it #works #commission #neowritingsnet #nct smut #nct scenarios #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun smut #jaehyun scenario

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olderthannetfic · 3 years

Note

Hi! I'm really impressed by how calmly you've been replying to asks about upsetting topics. Mind if I share a different pov? It's cool if you want to be done with the subject, but if it's okay, here it is: even though it's true that people already know csa is bad, there might be some rationalizations or confusion about where to draw some lines, and abusers can use stories that push those lines to groom children. However, what we need to do about it is not count on our ability to eliminate every one of those stories and any other pedo propaganda, but instead make sure everyone knows where to draw the lines and that those rationalizations are bs, so they can see that it's pedo propaganda and not be fooled. I know people won't agree on all the lines regarding exact ages and age differences that are acceptable, but there are other things that slip through the cracks, like pretending the age of consent is only relevant to some sex acts and not others (incorrect in most countries, and even then it's just a different age of consent for different acts, there are no sex acts that have no age of consent), or that if it's non-sexual it can somehow exist as an acceptable romantic relationship (incorrect, that's not a relationship). And having that information is useful both in cases of for real pedo propaganda and in cases of darkfic that was written to be creepy and wrong on purpose but the reader might not recognize that.

This comes up a lot. Really, really a lot. And the arguments are extremely repetitive, as are the asks going "You haven't thought about this, have you?" that I see waiting for me in my inbox, yet again. When I'm ready to tap out (or just get busy with RL) I usually just stop answering asks for a while.

Here's the thing: a lot of people look at this only in terms of potential victims and an audience that doesn't understand what it's being exposed to. I agree that it's important to protect people.

However, these kinds of conversations always erase another, much larger group: people who are making or consuming dark art because it is meaningful or hot or fun for them. To me, it comes down to that infamous 1995 Time Magazine cover:

From a boingboing writeup:

"In 1995 Time magazine published a cover story about online pornography that gave grandstanding politicians an excuse to try to censor the Internet. The politicians would have succeeded, if it weren't for the efforts of civil libertarians, especially Mike Godwin, who was staff counsel at the Electronic Frontier Foundation at the time."

I was 14 when this fight as going on. It sounds like a long time ago, but people who built AO3 were mostly teens or college students or young professionals, and we remember this fight vividly.

I was already in fandom, reading some racy Mulder/Scully porn, and elsewhere on the internet reading snuff erotica and other things far worse than most fanfic.

(And yes, I do go hunting on AO3 when people tell me they've seen something nasty in the woodshed. There's some pretty out there stuff if you search really hard, but it still almost never reaches the heights of anything I read on Usenet as a teen. AO3 is really tame as porn goes.)

When I was a teenager forming my understanding of art and ethics and this bullshit scaremongering happened, the US had a conversation. The topic was this:

Is it worth sacrificing adults' entire lives and spaces in the service of protecting children?

On the conservative douchebag side, we had the argument that children might be there because it's a general space.

On the winning side--the winning side so far because this fight is never over--was the idea that it is not reasonable to expect public spaces to conform to what's appropriate for the kindergarten classroom. Children are not the default, and they do not set the tone for spaces that are not specifically for them.

So these were my formative teen years: do we get an internet where we can be adults? Normal adults who are allowed to have fantasies or discuss our queer sexuality or breast cancer or whatthefuckever! Or is the internet a gated playground with foam over all the play structures because we are obligated to think of the children at every moment of every day?

I agree with you that some actual abusers use arguments of the type you describe and that it's important for our youth to understand what those arguments look like.

I have yet to see even a single AO3 fic I thought was actually espousing any such thing, let alone a significant number. This simply isn't an accurate representation of most of the fic that these endless fandom wanks are about.

AO3 does allow you to make an account if you're 13 and up, but it was built by a bunch of adults for other adults. It's very writer-oriented. Its mission is saving art. That's not a space that can or should be primarily concerned with the subset of readers who can't contextualize what they're looking at.

The way to help those readers might be by people who want a clean archive making one or by making an AO3 collection of vetted stories. Much more likely, the only thing that will help them is fighting purity culture and getting some real and useful sex ed into their country's educational system.

You've made some very good points, anon, but they're not very relevant points to the fandom debates about AO3.

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hotchley · 3 years

Text

balls fair in love and war

So... this is the fic inspired by the AU in this post. Umm... it's a shambles, I low-key hate parts of it, the ending is rushed, but we're going with it before my laptop dies </3

Ignore any and all medical inaccuracies. I did a bit of research, but a lot of it confused me, so... this is not an accurate representation of a concussion. Like seriously. Also ignore any ethical issues, they're just... it's fine. As usual no proofreading. Umm.... don't ask where Rossi is. I don't know.

Taglist (I guess? I don't actually have one, it's just for this lol): @eldrai @willlemonheadsupremacy @shmaptainhotchnersmain @sarcvstiel @unionjackpillow @katytheinspiredworkaholic (you said you would read it so... is that okay?)

A very big and grateful thank you to @aaron-hotchner187 for giving me a title!! And to everyone else that gave suggestions, you are also much loved <3

Also, the way Hotch acts as a teacher is inspired by the way I think @ellyhotchner will be when they become a teacher <3 and everyone go and tell @whump-town thank you because she: told me about penlights, gave me the easy tiger line and is just overall a good person.

Trigger Warnings: concussions, fear of brain hemorrhages, hospitals, self-blame

read on ao3!

Like most things that went wrong in Aaron Hotchner’s life, his current predicament could be blamed on Emily Prentiss. He would not hear otherwise. And he didn’t think he should be forced to hear otherwise, given he was the one sitting on a hospital bed in a thin gown that did nothing to keep him warm, whilst she got to sit outside with a cup of coffee.

She had, admittedly, looked absolutely horrified when the accident occured, and had spent the whole journey to the hospital apologising again and again. He’s pretty sure she offered up her first-born child to him at some point as a form of penance. As well as her apartment. And he definitely remembers hearing something about grading his papers for him.

So whilst he may not want to be anywhere near her offspring- especially if they’re like her- and whilst he may definitely not want her apartment- he doesn’t care what she says, it is haunted- he will be taking her up on that last offer. Did he feel suitably appeased by her squirming the whole time, and by the fact that she was the one that had to explain to the principal why there were two classes screaming, crying and a teacher on the floor?

Yes, but there was no harm in milking it.

If he’s being completely honest, he felt like he was taking advantage of a hospital bed. He was sure he was fine. Yes, it hurts to move his head and he feels dizzy, and he probably has all the symptoms of a minor concussion, but he just really doesn’t want to be in the hospital.

Besides, he needs to make sure the kids aren't traumatised. It can’t have been easy for them, watching him just fall to the ground and hit his head hard enough for there to be blood. Emily could be traumatised, he didn’t care. But their students? Absolutely not.

He sighs. He wants to hand in his resignation now. Going back is going to be so embarrassing.

“I don’t think you understand. He is my best friend, and if he doesn’t get this blanket, he will- Spencer, what will he do if he doesn’t get this blanket?” A voice says from outside.

Aaron closes his eyes. He wants the ground to swallow him up. Forget returning to school, the next few minutes of his life are going to be even more embarrassing than the time Emily tricked him into being part of the Christmas pantomime. Haley hadn’t been offended, thank goodness, but still. It took him three months to be able to meet her eyes.

“He’ll- he’ll- I can’t even say it, it’s just so upsetting,” Spencer lies.

“Ma’am, sir, if you would let me speak for two seconds. Miss Prentiss said that some of her colleagues would be coming with Mr Hotchner’s things. All I am asking for is proof of identity,” the floor receptionist says.

The apologies immediately start to pour from the mouth of Penelope Garcia, whilst Spencer Reid just takes out both their driver's licences. The receptionist clearly approves, because before Aaron knows what’s happening, he’s being embraced by someone who smells like roses, and his favourite blanket is being draped over him.

“Oh my goodness, you don’t know how grateful I am that you’re alive,” Penelope says.

Aaron gives her a slight smile. Penelope is one of his favourite people, despite all their differences. And he likes to think he’s one of her favourites. He wouldn’t be thinking wrong.

“Penelope, I’m fine. Seriously. This is just a precaution. I promise it isn’t that bad,” he says, even though the light is starting to hurt his eyes.

“Isn’t that bad? I saw you and Emily taking your classes outside, which was weird to begin with because you both have classes that don’t require being outside, what were you doing? And then, I’m watching because the class can be trusted to sketch without my guidance and I’m curious. But then I turn my back for three seconds to help someone, and everyone is screaming, and you’re on the floor, and there’s blood everywhere and- it was scary!” she says.

“I’m so sorry,” Aaron says, for lack of anything else to say.

“I don’t want you to be sorry! I want you to stop getting hurt!” Penelope exclaims, whacking him in the shoulder.

“I don’t want you to be sorry either. It was hilarious to watch, my students were in hysterics,” Spencer adds. Penelope glares.

Aaron isn’t surprised. Him and Spencer get on- they even have shared interests- but they also have some of the same classes. And as a result of the different subjects and ways they teach, it seems to them that it is impossible for their students to like them both.

“So, not that I don’t appreciate it, but why are you here?” He asks.

Spencer and Penelope glance at each other, and Hotch feels like he’s dealing with two students that have tried to set up two of his friends.

“Garcia. Reid,” he says. In the same tone he uses when dealing with two students that have tried to set up two of his friends.

“We thought that if we came, JJ wouldn’t, but uhh-” Spencer starts.

JJ bursts into the room before he can finish. “”Hotch! What happened? I mean, I’ve heard what happened because Strauss came and told me the basics, but still. Why were the two of you in the playground? Are you okay? Let me see that bump on your head. I also brought your lunch in case you were peckish.”

“Well basically-”

“Why does Emily look like she’s about to start crying?” Haley asks, entering.

Everyone but JJ turns and stares at her with a slight look of horror. Aaron slides down the bed slightly, hoping the blanket can cover the furious blush that he just knows stains his cheeks. Him and Haley went on a date once, after he asked her in a moment of impulsivity. It was the worst thing he’d ever done, for both of them.

“Oh come on guys, we’re professionals. JJ asked me to come because apparently, Aaron listens to me? I said he’s just too afraid of me to disobey. Which, I meant as a joke, but you do know that I don’t hate you right? Sure, the date was a disaster, but you do know we can still be friends?”

“I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me,” he confesses.

“That’s why I brought her with me. To prove you wrong,” JJ says. “But yes, why is Emily so upset?”

“Because I almost killed my best friend and traumatised our students and I’ve ruined his life and our careers and he can get me fired and press charges, but all I wanted to do was make him laugh, and this is the first place where I’ve felt appreciated, and I’m going to lose it all,” Emily sobs from outside.

“Can you bring her in?” He asks Penelope.

She obliges, and Hotch pats the area next to him. Emily sits beside him, wiping her eyes on the corner of the extra blanket they brought.

“You didn’t almost kill me, it’s a mild concussion at most. Our students have seen worse, and they will be fine. My life is not ruined because you will be doing my grading. I’m not going to get you fired or press charges, and you’re not about to lose any of this. Okay?”

“You always know what to say,” she says.

He ruffles her hair.

“Love you. Platonically,” he tells her.

She gives him a bright smile, and he can feel himself smiling back, less embarrassed about everything.

And then she starts laughing hysterically, and deliberately shoves him, causing him to almost fall out of the bed, only stopped by Haley and Dave each grabbing one of his arms and pushing him back up. Of course, Emily just looks at him like she hasn’t done anything wrong.

“I cannot believe you fell for that. As if I would ever be that upset. Honestly. Haley, maybe I should replace you as drama teacher!”

Haley raises an eyebrow. “Ah yes, because the last time you got others involved in theatre, it ended so well.”

Emily has nothing to say.

Aaron does. He turns and swears in French.

“Naughty boy. Don’t let anyone else hear you. Especially not my class, I told them what that meant after you said it when I stole your stapler and then told you I’d given it to Miss Brooks.”

He pales.

“Speaking of your classes, how did this happen?” Haley asks, clearly sensing the need for a change in topic.

Emily looks at Aaron.

“It was your fault!” he says.

“Well it was your idea!” she counters.

He sighs. “So what happened was…”

Hotch and Emily’s classrooms are next to each other. To Hotch, this is both a blessing and a curse. It means he could keep an eye on her. It also means he had to keep an eye on her. See, Emily isn't irresponsible, and she would never actually endanger her students, but sometimes, she leans towards danger.

How, when she teaches modern languages, is beyond Hotch, but regardless. Strauss had actually hired Emily, not just for her abilities, but because she believed someone needed to keep an eye on Hotch. How the times have changed.

Hotch is on break duty, and he can't see anyone from his class. Which is weird. He tries to keep their lives as stress-free as possible, and he was always willing to help anyone that needs it, but certain assessments could not be avoided. But still, he expects to see at least one of them outside, if only to get a few minutes of fresh air.

Emily smiles at him sympathetically before she walks into her classroom. It is like someone had thrown a bucket of cold water over him. Sympathy from Emily isn't comforting. Not when it was aimed at him. If anything, it just makes him more scared. The last time she had looked at him like that, he had explained how his date with Haley had gone from one disaster to another.

And then she laughed.

So he pushes the door open, stepping back in case something fell on him. It wouldn't have been the first time. But nothing does. So he steps into his classroom, expecting to see his eleventh grade literature class doing something suspicious.

They aren't, and suddenly he understands exactly why Emily had looked at him like that.

Because his class has never looked so upset or defeated. And his heart breaks for all of them. It has been a while since he was fifteen, but he wouldn't ever forget the feeling of helplessness that seemed to define his existence. Nor would he forget how everything felt like too much and not enough.

"What happened?" He asks them gently.

Violet, a quiet girl that always tells him what Miss Prentiss had said about him, burst into tears. One of her friends patted her back, but it's clear they didn't quite know what they were doing. Neither does Hotch, but goddammit, these are his kids. Nobody is going to hurt them.

"Hey, it's okay. Do you want to go somewhere else?" He asks her.

She shakes her head. "I just- I want all of this to be over, but then I don't because it means going to college and leaving here and having to grow up, but I just- I have no fucking idea what I'm doing and it's all too much."

He winces at the use of swear words, because he is still a teacher, but that also means he feels a sense of pride that she's able to voice what it is. Because now, he may not be able to fix the situation, but he can help.

"I know. That's okay. That's normal. And you'll work it out. You know, I almost became a lawyer."

She looks up, her eyes red, but starting to sparkle again. "A lawyer."

"Yep, I almost also applied to the FBI Academy. It was actually Miss Prentiss that talked me out of that one. Well, it wasn't really talking but the true story is a little too… inappropriate for school."

"I can't imagine you doing either of those. You'd get bored as a lawyer, and you would never smile as an FBI agent," Clarissa says.

Hotch blinks.

She shrugs like it's the most obvious thing in the world. And then she offers him a piece of candyfloss, which he rejects.

He checks his lesson plan. And then his planner. And then the calendar he keeps on his table. Emily always makes fun of him for being so organised, but Spencer admires it, and that makes him feel cool, so he focuses on that instead.

"I have a compromise. We don't need to do a lesson today, we have more than enough time to cover everything because we're already ahead. I let you do whatever you want for the remainder of the lesson- whether that's colouring or crying or dancing. But you have to do it outside. I didn't see any of you at break."

"Really?" Violet asks.

He nods. "Of course."

Everyone cheers, and grabs their bags, clearly ready to not use their brains for a bit. Aaron gives them the most warm smile he can manage, but he can't help the small surge of guilt that accompanies his lack of realisation.

As his class exits, happily chattering away to each other, Emily pokes her head out the door.

"Mr Hotch, what are you doing, and can I join?"

Immediately, all eyes are on him.

"Please?" Violet asks.

Clarissa pulls out the puppy eyes.

Thomas falls to his knees.

"Oh my god, yes fine, okay, just- everyone be quiet before Strauss finds out and shouts at me," he says.

Emily runs back inside, and soon, they're all just milling about and having fun on the playground. It's nice, both for the students, and the teachers, to have a bit of a break from the world, and to spend a few moments away from it all. Some of them are running around, playing a game of tag, some of them are simply sitting around, and a few are colouring.

"Do you still like playing catch?" Emily asks him.

"What?"

"Catch. Remember, you used to play it with Sean all the time when we were in college."

"I mean yeah, I would probably get involved, but I'm not quite sure-"

"Think fast!" She shouts, and she lobs a netball at him.

The last thing he thinks, moments before his head meets the ground with a large amount of force- enough for there to be a small amount of blood- is: how is it always her? Every single time he gets into a situation, it's her that causes it. That has to be statistically impossible. Maybe he should ask Spencer…

"So yeah! And now I'm here!" He shoves Emily, who has the audacity to look offended.

Penelope kisses his forehead. Haley laughs a little, but Reid just blinks like he can't quite believe how stupid his co-workers are.

"Well. From what I've heard, it was a pretty good shot," JJ comments.

Haley turns to her. "From everything we've just been told, that's what you choose to pick out?"

"I'm a gym teacher, can you really blame me?"

Emily mutters something.

"You were what?" Garcia asks.

"I was aiming for his leg," she repeats.

"Emily. I know you teach languages, not biology, but look at me. Head," Hotch says, pointing at the bump he's not going to cover up, "Leg." He points at his ankle.

"It's always lovely when people know their anatomy. Saves me a lot of time," a new voice says.

Hotch turns in the direction of it, ready to make a snarky comment, but whatever words he had thought of die on his lips as he suddenly feels like he's been transported into a medical drama full of unrealistically attractive protagonists.

Because the doctor who has just walked in is the most handsome man he has ever seen. His smile is easy and genuine, and his eyes seem to twinkle with mischief. And his arms, oh god his arms seem like the safest place to exist. Aaron can't help but wonder what it would be like to have those arms wrapped around him-

His cheeks warm. No.

"Hi, I'm Dr Morgan. But you can all call me Derek. I'm here for Aaron Hotchner. Who I am going to assume, is you," he says, looking straight at Hotch.

"I- yes. How did you know?"

Dr Morgan- Derek- somehow smiles even more. "Well, even though there are far too many people in here- did all of you somehow miss the two people at one time sign- you are the only one in a hospital bed wearing a hospital gown, so. I'm no profiler, but it was pretty easy."

If it's even possible, his cheeks flush more. But one word sticks out to him. "Wait, profiler?"

"You got me. Crime procedurals are my guilty pleasure. I always said that if I joined the FBI, I would become a profiler. Obviously, I went down a very different route."

"Obviously. Wait, too many people? Oh god, I'm so, so sorry, if you need them to leave, they can. In fact, I also feel a lot better, so if you would like me to also go, I really, it's no trouble."

Because he is an idiot- there really is no other justification for this- he tries to stand up. And he does. He also gets a few steps in before the world starts spinning and he almost loses his balance. Derek somehow moves fast enough to guide him back to the bed. Aaron tries and fails to ignore how warm he is.

"Thanks," he whispers, slightly breathless. And not just from almost hurting himself again.

"It's not a problem Aaron. Both things. Your friends can stay, we're just doing some simple checks," Derek says.

"Oh everyone calls him Hotch," Penelope says.

"Aaron is fine. Really." Because he likes Derek calling him Aaron. He wants Derek to call him Aaron.

And then he meets Emily's eyes and he realises his mistake. There's a common denominator that exists with everyone that he tells to call him Aaron, and he knows that she knows what it is. He's fucked.

"Okay then. Well, can you explain to me what happened?"

Aaron is mesmerised by Derek's eyes. So mesmerised that he forgets to answer. "Sorry, what?"

There's a flash of concern, replaced by a smile. "Can you tell me how you ended up here?"

"Oh yes. So, I'm a teacher- so is everyone here. And I- I was outside, with my- my students when Emily- that one there- she, look, it's a really mild concussion, can I just be discharged? I'm sure my students are very, uhh, very scared," he stutters. Why can he never function when he likes someone? It's mortifying.

"I'm sure it is, but you can't blame me for doing my job. I'm going to take your heart rate now, okay? The stethoscope will be cold, but it'll warm up eventually," Derek says.

Aaron nods, and barely flinches when it touches him. If anything, he's more concerned by how close Derek seems to be. Not in a malicious way, but he's always had this deeply irrational fear that if someone got too close to him, they'd be able to read his thoughts. Which would mean Derek can hear both the fact that he has a crush and that he has this fear.

Derek pulls away, and Aaron exhales.

"Your heart rate is unusually fast. Normally that wouldn't be too concerning, because we expect that when patients seem anxious, but you've seemed pretty calm, up till this moment," Derek says, noting how Aaron tenses.

"Is he going to be okay?" Penelope asks.

Derek turns to her. "Of course he is. He's in good hands."

Aaron needs to get his mind out the gutter before his cheeks explode. Or before Emily opens her mouth.

"Aaron, I know you think the concussion is mild, but this is still a requirement. I'm going to turn on this penlight, and I'm going to ask you to follow it with your eyes okay? Follow the light," Derek explains.

He nods, and Derek turns the penlight on. Aaron flinches at the brightness of it, then tenses in slight fear that his lovely doctor is going to be annoyed at him or call him difficult, or sigh and say he needs to stop acting like a child. It wouldn't be the first time,

But Derek doesn't do any of those things. He does something very different.

He places his hand on Aaron's thigh. "Easy tiger. I won't hurt you," he says.

Aaron melts. His eyes drop down to where Derek's hand is warming his skin. He thinks Derek says his name, but he's too busy having a crush to hear him. And then suddenly, his thigh is cold, but Derek is touching his shoulder and he should be shying away from the light being shone in his eyes. But he isn't because he's too busy looking at Derek and his beautiful eyes to even pay attention.

Rather late, he remembers that there is a reason for Derek to be looking at him the way he is, and he tries to follow the light. But the headache he's had since he came around is only getting worse, and the light isn't helping.

Derek isn't smiling anymore.

"Aaron. Be very honest with me. You've displayed difficulty with coordination, memory and speech. If I asked you whether or not you felt sick or nauseous, what would your answer be?"

Normally, he would just under exaggerate, but Derek seems to genuinely care. So he chooses to be honest.

"Yes?"

Derek's eyes widen. "Aaron, I don't want to alarm you, but I like to keep my patients informed. You're going to have a CT scan done immediately, and there's a chance you may be rushed into emergency surgery."

Everyone, including Emily, starts to panic, but Derek leaves the room to grab a nurse to help, and to tell someone else to make sure there's a clear room. Aaron isn't completely sure what's happening, but his head is killing him, so he lays down again. It only helps a small amount.

For Aaron, the CT scan isn't too bad. If he knew the reason it was being done, and that it wasn't a routine procedure, he would probably have spent the whole time panicking. But he doesn't, and so he sits there- well lies there- with a slight smile on his face. The migraine he's had has been getting worse, so keeping his eyes closed for such an extended period of time is actually quite enjoyable.

It is far less enjoyable for everyone that is upstairs, waiting to find out whether or not their friend has a brain hemorrhage. That's what Derek told them after Aaron was carted away, still seeming very out of it. They needed to test him for a brain bleed. And if he had one, then it would just be a case of waiting to see whether they could treat him. And even if they could treat him, it wasn't guaranteed that he would get back to normal.

Emily, in spite of all of her teasing comments, isn't coping. Because it's still early, the floor is relatively quiet, and Derek is technically on his lunch break, so he's sitting with them in an attempt to provide them with some sort of comfort. He's not sure where this emotional attachment to these random people has come from, but it's formed itself and now he's determined to provide some comfort.

"I really was aiming for his leg," Emily whispers.

"Hmm?" Derek asks, not quite following.

"When I threw the ball, I really was aiming for his leg. He had lost consciousness by this point, but I started crying when he hit the ground. He forgave me. He told me he loved me, platonically that is, and I laughed at him. He's going to die, and he isn't going to know how much he meant to me."

"He's not going to die. He may not even have a brain bleed. But if he does, we're going to save him, and you're going to be able to spend the rest of your life telling him how much he means to you. I promise," Derek says.

Even though there are tears in her eyes, Emily turns to him and smiles. "You're a good man, Dr Morgan."

"That's all I've ever wanted, Miss Prentiss. So thank you. It means a lot to me." And it does. He replays the moment as he goes over to Spencer and Penelope, who he feels a strange sense of protection over. Like he needs to protect them from everything, which is weird, because once Aaron is discharged, he'll probably never see them again.

That shouldn't make him sad, but it does.

"Mr Hotchner's CT scan came back normal. There's no sign of a brain bleed," the nurse tells them, what feels like a lifetime later.

There's a collective sigh of relief, and when he's wheeled back in, looking tired but alive, Emily throws her arms around her best friend, who lets out a soft sound of surprise. Like he's not quite used to the fact that people love him. Derek smiles. His patient will be in good hands when he gets discharged.

"Wait, so what caused all of those problems?" Spencer asks.

The nurse shrugs. "It's probably as simple as: his concussion was more severe than we initially thought, but not as bad as we feared."

"Oh."

"And on that note, Aaron, we're keeping you overnight for observation. It's just to be safe. We can't be too careful. You gave everyone a very big scare when you got sent out," Derek says.

Aaron cannot, and will not, confess. Does he feel guilty? Yes. But he can live with the guilt. He cannot live with the all-encompassing shame that will come with explaining that actually, the reason he was stuttering and failing the penlight test was because of a silly little crush.

"Okay," he says, determined to be as compliant as possible.

"One- and only one- of you is welcome to stay with him, if you'd like," Derek adds.

Haley's eyes light up. "I'll do it! Jessica can bring me my things, and maybe you'll be able to look at me after we've spent another night together. Only this time, nobody's getting pneumonia. I hope so, at least. You're not cold are you?"

Aaron shakes his head. "But you really don't need to stay. I'll be fine on my own. Seriously."

"I know, but I want to. Believe it or not, I do actually enjoy your company."

He smiles.

"We should all be getting a move on. Jason and Erin will want updates, and I have lots of marking," JJ says. She kisses Hotch on the forehead before walking to the door, smiling at Derek for looking after her friend so well.

Spencer waves from where he's standing and Penelope showers him with affection. Emily is the only one that seems hesitant to leave.

"Can I stay till visiting hours end?" She asks.

"Do you feel like you can keep up with these two lovely ladies Aaron?" Derek asks.

Aaron has never enjoyed the sound of his name as much as he does when it comes from the doctor. "I- sure," he stutters, and he just knows his cheeks are a stupid colour. Emily frowns, as though she finds something suspicious.

Derek smiles. "Good man. I'll be back in a few hours to run the same tests as before. For now, take it easy."

Derek doesn't come back a few hours later, because he has other patients. It's a different doctor, and Aaron is both relieved and disappointed. Because on the one hand, he's not going to create another medical crisis, on the other, he wants to see Derek again.

Maybe he can get Emily to knock him out again…

"Your heart rate seems completely normal. And you followed the penlight exceptionally well, so I believe we have nothing to fear. Of course, you'll stay overnight, and we'll run these tests once more before you're discharged tomorrow, but I think we're out of the woods now," they say.

Emily gasps, and Aaron knows he's screwed. Luckily, both the doctor and Haley seem to not have heard, and she leaves with the doctor, so Aaron doesn't have to know right at that moment whether his suspicions are correct.

"Night Hotchner," Haley says a few minutes later.

Hotch is already asleep.

The entire team comes and collects him from the hospital.

Aaron is just grateful they're sending him home with a pack of all the things he now needs to do, because he spent the whole lecture admiring how handsome Derek looks with sun shining down on him that he didn't take any of it in. It's also Derek's signature on the discharge papers. He's reminded of high school, when he and his friends would make fake marriage certificates. Not that he's going to do that.

"Bye Aaron. I don't want to see you here any time soon, okay?" Derek teases.

"I won't make any promises," he replies, just relieved he does it without stuttering or blushing.

Derek smiles, and the twinkle in his eyes seems even more mischievous. "Miss Prentiss," he says, spotting Emily.

"Dr Morgan," she responds. She's smirking.

When Aaron asks her what was going on, she doesn't answer. Haley says it's probably linked to the emotions of the previous day, and she's usually good at reading these situations, so he doesn't push any further. Besides, he's too busy catching up with the meetings he missed, and the antics of his students, because a lot happened in the three days he was off, to give it much thought.

Two weeks pass, and the incident is almost completely forgotten.

But then he walks back into his classroom, having just finished a meeting, and he finds flowers on his desk. Tulips. His favourite. He immediately pulls the note out, and when he opens it, he almost wonders if he's concussed it.

Because he knows that signature. He's been staring at it for fourteen days. It's Derek's.

"Surprise. Aaron," a voice says for the doorway.

"How- what- I- what?"

Derek Morgan, still in scrubs and a white coat, smiles at him. "Want to pick a question I can actually answer?"

"How did you- what are you doing here? And why?"

"Well, you should thank Emily. After the other doctor took your heart rate, she came and told me her suspicion. Apparently, you always say you're Hotch. Even the students call you Mr Hotch. Which is strange, because I call you Aaron. And, you shouldn't have done the penlight flawlessly if you had a more severe concussion. So she thinks you have a crush. I didn't want to be unethical, so those flowers can simply mean: I hope you're coping. If you don't have a crush that is."

"What if I do?" Aaron asks, surprised at his own boldness.

"Then I would ask if I could kiss you before I take you out to dinner," Derek says, not missing a beat.

"And if I said yes?"

Derek takes three long strides, and he kisses Aaron like it's something he was made to do. Aaron melts against him, trying to memorise him as quickly as he can, before he realises he has all the time in the world to do that. Because Derek is going to take him out to dinner. Derek, who brought him flowers.

"That was- wow. Wait. You have a crush on me too!" Aaron exclaims with a grin.

"Of course I do," Derek says.

That stuns Aaron back into silence. "Wow," he whispers to himself.

Derek hugs him, and being in his arms is everything- no more- than Aaron imagined it to be. "I'm glad you're okay," he says.

"I'm glad you don't hate me," Aaron says, because he really doesn't know what else to say.

Derek laughs, and Aaron can't wait to find all the ways he can make that happen.

"We should say thank you to Emily at some point. If she didn't know you as well as she does, she wouldn't have realised you had a crush. And if she wasn't so terrifying when she wants something good for her friends, I wouldn't have sent the flowers."

"Can we say thank you later? I want to stay like this for a few moments," Aaron whispers, snuggling closer to his new boyfriend.

"Of course we can," Derek says, kissing his forehead.

When they eventually make it to Derek's car- Aaron can come back tomorrow and get his, it'll be fine, Aaron realises he has one more thing to say.

"Derek?"

"Yes, sweetness?"

Well. That makes him feel things he won't confess too, because he needs something to make him seem the slightest bit cool.

"I'm really sorry I made you think I had a brain hemorrhage."

Derek's laughter is so real that Aaron can't help but join in, and they end up not starting the car for five minutes because it would be irresponsible to drive in that state. And it's only when they're pulling out that they both realise something: Derek gets to see Aaron's family again, and Emily didn't need to hit him in the head again for him to get to see Derek again.

#criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #hotchgan #mortch #aaron hotchner #derek morgan #tw concussion #tw brain hemorrhages #tw hospitals #tw self blame

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jamiehudson1 · 3 years

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Skills students need to adopt in 2021

The world has changed dramatically over the past year. Last year a surprise pandemic turned the world upside down. With over hundreds of economies drowning and struggling to survive upcoming generations must be able to handle the damage done by this pandemic and to survive efficiently in a post-pandemic world while uplifting the economies. The education sector received a major blow due to the closing of institutions all over the globe and struggled to shift everything online. The students and teachers both suffered equally during this process. This has raised the question regarding the need of polishing some skills in students to help them survive 2021. Year after the pandemic hit the world is no better than 2020.

Millions of students suffered academic loss along with the golden chance to learn important analytical and character-building skills. With the learning institutes closed for more than a year in some places and students stuck off-campus due to the closure of international borders the ability to polish skills kind of took the backseat and finishing the syllabus became a priority for schools. Everyone in the education sector gave made finishing school a priority rather than trying to polish the skills of the students. After the untiring efforts of healthcare associations and leaderships vaccines are available and they are like a ray of hope that the world will soon go back to its normal ways of work.

Why skills are so important:

After spending more than a year at home, returning to school is exciting for some while dreadful for others. It is very important for students who are in the finishing phases of their degrees to make extra efforts along with excelling academically to get hired as soon as possible due to the scarcity of jobs in the market post-pandemic. With the closure of many businesses and people being jobless, getting a job in a post-pandemic setting will be a challenge on its own. Skills are considered to be any set of abilities an individual possesses that can help them bring an adaptive plus positive changes in the environment they are in. skills enable problem-solving and creative thinking in individuals and they can work according to the curveball thrown at them. It is very important to develop some basic life skills to thrive in any sort of work environment alongside personal life.

Students need to adopt some extra set of skills in 2021 to enable themselves to adjust to the hard situations created by the pandemic. Both hard and soft skills are equally important to excel in the academic and post-graduation phases of life. It is very important to adopt a certain skill set to be able to thrive at all phases of life. Development of skills must start at an early age to enable children to succeed both inside and outside of the classroom. If the skills are embedded within the personality and thought process of children they automatically keep upgrading as they grow up.

Top skills to adopt in 2021:

Skills like creativity, active thought process, analytical thinking, good communication, and other interpersonal skills are immensely important to incorporate in students from an early stage of learning. Both teachers and parents must play their roles accurately to help build up the future generations with important life skills. All these skills will make good and responsible human beings who will be capable of doing critical tasks while bringing out the best from others working or learning alongside them. There are multiple sets of skills that students must adopt in 2021 to strive and thrive in the coming years. Here are some of the few skills that students need to learn to live a prosperous life after a post-pandemic environment:

1. Adaptive thinking:

One of the basic skills to adopt while entering 2021 is to be comfortable with adaptation. With the digitalization of all aspects of learning when one finishes learning about one app or portal another bigger and better version pops up. The ways of learning must keep upgrading to keep up the whole world on the same page in learning about new things. Adaptive thinking enables students to be more flexible for learning subjects. It plays a pivotal role to enable the learners to adjust to rapid changes happening around them. Every student must learn and polish the ways of adaptive thinking to make themselves comfortable in keeping up with the new modes of learning new and exciting things.

2. Critical thinking:

The future belongs to critical thinkers. It is always better to give your input in certain tasks as well rather than just blindly following the orders. This skill nourishes the thought process of students while given a difficult task. They should be able to follow the brief while being innovative. Critical thinking and problem-solving skills help students to solve problems in an efficient manner. Critical thinking makes individuals independent and works according to their judgment. With time it also brings positive changes in the way a student makes judgments and solves problems without relying on the instructors. It is very important to adapt this skill because in the future no one is always there to guide you. The professional world provides supervision rather than guidance on each and every step.

3. Communication skills:

The importance of good communication is not deniable. It is one of the key traits that can take you to a whole new level of success. People with communication skills are likely to be more prosperous than those who lack communication skills due to them being able to convey their thoughts in an effective manner. Students with great communication skills are always excelling in their academic performances because they are able to forward their thoughts and opinions regarding any query or if they lack to understand anything taught in the classroom. Students who are introverts and struggle to communicate within the classrooms often build a lack of confidence when they enter the professional world. You have to be good at communicating to gain success in any field you decide to pursue as a professional.

4. Collaborating with others:

Collaboration is always next to communication because your good communication is of no use if you cannot successfully collaborate with other members of your groups. Students are usually given collaborative assignments to develop efficient collaborating skills. Good collaboration skills help students to be able to perform tasks while building up strong communication skills. It nurtures the ability to do teamwork. Collaborating skills are very fruitful to bring out leadership qualities of some students as it provides them with the opportunity to be a group leader responsible for the good representation of the team. Collaborative skills help students so much in their professional lives.

5. Ability to inquire:

Students are always assessed on the basis of how well they can respond to a query rather than how good they are at asking questions. Students who ask excellent questions are always able to perform well on their respective tasks as compared to those who are always shy to ask questions in fear of getting a counter-question from the teacher. It is very necessary to inquire about anything if you as a student fail to understand completely. It is the job of instructors to encourage students to ask questions after finishing the lesson. It’s always better to inquire about anything that you weren’t able to grasp while briefing rather than making mistakes and decreasing the quality of your work. The ability to inquire able the students to collect relevant information and analyze their findings accordingly.

6. Being technologically advance:

This skill often gets ignored by everyone but being familiar with technology is an excellent skill for students that must be encouraged by everyone. In this era, everything is shifting on digital platforms and in recent events, it is very clear that how being advance in understanding and operating technology can help students learn. Technology plays an important part in our lives and now it's high time that it gets accessible to everyone. Technologically challenged students face many difficulties in the future while pursuing their higher education or working professionally. So if you are technologically challenged this thing needs to change. Technology has changed the way we live, travel, learn and communicate many people think of technology as a distraction for students that's not the case it helps them to connect with the rest of the world and opens new learning pathways for them.

7. Creative thinking:

Creativity is one of the most likable traits a student can have. The ability to think outside of the box and bring out creative ideas is one skill that you must polish. It is often considered to be a natural gift and labeled as a talent. But with dedication and commitment, students can transform their thought processes from traditional to creative. It takes multiple skills like asking relevant questions and critical thinking to be able to think creatively about a task or situation. Creative students are given opportunities to work on better projects and it enhances their skills and personality simultaneously. Students with creative thinking skills look at situations from a fresh perspective and take challenges like opportunities to prove themselves.

Soft skills:

Teachers and students are always so focused to achieve academically that they mostly ignore the development and nourishment of soft skills. Soft skills are equally important for students as analytical training. Due to the fact that no one is going to hire a heart surgeon to perform business tasks, learning institutions don’t focus on the character development of students. Soft skills are defined as certain character traits and attitudes that help a person to be more efficient in maintaining relationships with their colleagues and supervisors. It's commendable to be good at your work but mannerism can make or break a person's social image. It is very necessary to teach students some basic soft skills so, that they can have a good social life as well. Some of the most necessary soft skills that every student must adapt are:

1. Motivation:

All massive achievements are fueled by motivation. Students should be motivated to achieve excellence. If you are unmotivated to learn something you are currently enrolled in then think about it again that if you really want to do it or not? Motivation helps you keep going even 0n gloomy days. Students should be motivated by their parents and teachers to ensure their academic achievements. Motivated students can help to motivate their peers as well. It embeds exceptional work ethics in individuals. Students who are motivated show great persistence in learning new things, they are willing to put in extra efforts to enhance their skills and knowledge. If a student is not motivated it reflects in their work so, it is important to motivate yourself and think of this little effort taking you to heights of success in the future.

2. Commitment:

Commitment is an important pillar of living a successful life. If the student is committed they will go beyond their capacities to ensure great results. Lack of commitment is easily detectable in those students who think education is a spectators sport and don't take an active part in classrooms or are clearly bored during lectures. As students, if you want to have a secure future it is very important that you are always committed to your goals and giving your 100%. If you commit to the things that are important for your better future like your classes and assignments the success will soon knock on your door. Understandably, you cannot succeed in everything you try in the first shot but if you are committed then giving it a go until being successful is extremely commendable.

3. Enthusiasm:

It is the key to keep yourself committed and motivated. Students must show enthusiasm towards the things they are being taught. Enthusiasm keeps one going to pursue their dreams. If you as a student are lacking enthusiasm then there are very low chances of doing good academically. Enthusiastic students are automatically highlighted in classrooms due to their habit of asking questions and covering the discussed topic as per their knowledge. Students who are enthusiastic about learning new things every day can blend in any environment due to their thirst for learning. Enthusiastic students exert positive energy as they are always so curious, exciting, and anticipating. Such students are capable of even motivating their teachers to do a better job.

4. Empathy:

Schools mostly promoted competitive learning instead of collaboration. This practice has a very negative impact on young minds and ruining their ability to be empathetic. Being competitive is nice but one should never lose their human instincts. It is observed that students who are trained to just do good academically often lack the basic ability to emotionally connect with other students. They see everyone as competition and can go to dangerous levels in order to win. Students must adapt emotional connectivity with other students to be a part of the community. The ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and helping them accordingly ensures social prosperity.

5. Professionalism:

Professionalism is not a single skill but it's rather an amalgam of multiple skills combined together. Students must be taught how to be professional before they step into the corporate world. It is important to learn how to act in a professional environment to excel immediately when you go into one. Professionalism has nothing to do with being a good student but it is closely related to being a good member of the society. Students can learn how to be professional by sticking to the strict codes of discipline at school, adapting skills related to behavior in official environments, etc. learning the social skills associated with professionalism will help students to tolerate the culture shock in an efficient manner after they graduate.

Bottom line is that with the world constantly evolving at a fast pace, and things taking surprising turns students must adopt certain new skills while polishing the preexisting ones to be able to face the post-pandemic world. With the passage of time, the traditional modes of education are being revolutionized and students need to have more adaptive thinking and a critical mindset to have a great academic life. The need of developing personal skills is as crucial as professional skills. By adapting to the lacking skills and working hard there will be nothing in the way of students to fulfill their dreams.

#education #skills #skills for education #skills to adopt 2021

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sciencenewsforstudents · 4 years

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Charles Darwin. Carolus Linneaus. Gregor Mendel. They’re all men. They’re all white. And their names appear in every biology book included in a new analysis of college textbooks. According to the survey, mentions of white men still dominate biology textbooks despite growing recognition in other media of the scientific contributions of women and people of color.

The good news, the researchers say: Scientists in textbooks are getting more diverse. The bad news: If diversification continues at its current pace, it will take another 500 years for mentions of Black/African American scientists to accurately reflect the number of Black college biology students.

“Biology is still a very white discipline, so the results were not incredibly surprising,” says Cissy Ballen, an education researcher at Auburn University in Alabama. By identifying scientist names and determining when their research was published, Ballen and her colleagues looked at trends in seven of the most commonly used college biology textbooks. They published their results June 24 in Proceedings of the Royal Society B.

The team found that for research published between 1900 and 1999, only about 9 percent (or 55 out of 627) of scientists mentioned were women, and 3 percent (19) were people of color. But for research published between 2000 and 2018, women got 25 percent (87 out of 349) of the mentions, and people of color 8 percent (27). Some of this was representative; the number of women mentioned was proportional to the number of tenured women in the academic biology workforce over time, based on the National Science Foundation’s Science and Engineering Indicators. Information about the number of tenured people of color was not available.

But the numbers were not representative of the much more diverse biology student body. Based on the change seen from the 1900s to the 2000s, Ballen and her colleagues extrapolate that it will take decades — or even centuries — for textbook mentions of scientists to reflect the gender and racial diversity of who’s in the classroom. Speficically, it will take 28 years to catch up when it comes to highlighting women scientists, 50 years for Asian scientists, 30 years for Hispanic/Latinx scientists and 500 years for Black/African American scientists. Scientists in some groups — such as Black/African American women — were never mentioned in the books at all.

By the book

Auburn University education researcher Cissy Ballen and her colleagues ran an analysis by gender and race of scientists mentioned in seven major textbooks used in introductory college classes. Before 2000, 88 percent of scientists highlighted in textbooks were white men. Between 2000 and 2018 that number dropped to 67 percent, as textbook authors referenced more women and people of color.

Change in race and gender of scientists in college biology textbooks, 1900s vs. 2000s

T. TIBBITTS

#science #scied #sciblr #textbooks #equity #biology textbooks #minorities in STEM #education

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liskantope · 5 years

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I just got the memo that Dr. Seuss had a history of racism (both allegedly in the content of his books and in other aspects of his life) and is therefore Problematic to emphasize in elementary education. This is depressing to me from several angles, especially after I was recently marveling once again at how forward-thinking for his time Dr. Seuss was and how beautifully and imaginatively he managed to convey his progressivism in young children’s literature.

I have a lot of thoughts on all the issues people are currently taking with Dr. Seuss, especially since it provides yet another exquisite application of the deep question of how to judge people (in this case someone who’s been dead a while) by modern standards for things they did or said long ago when society-wide beliefs were very different. Here are the only points I know how to make succinctly.

One: the above-linked article (and several other similar ones I ran into on my first Google search) appears extremely one-sided in its presentation of Seuss’ beliefs. For instance, according to this article, while Seuss’ xenophobia against the Japanese during WWII was if anything even grosser than what was shown in the other article, after a visit to post-atomic-bomb Hiroshima in the 1950′s he realized the error of his ways and wrote Horton Hears a Who! as an act of atonement, dedicating it to a Japanese friend. It would still be good to double-check this from another source, but I imagine it’s accurate, along with the claim that Seuss always supported civil rights for Jews and African-Americans.

Two: why, when debating how emphasizing Seuss books in the classroom might instill racist ideas or hurt children of color (“It’s very dehumanizing for black children to be expected to wear one of those hats”), do we need to consider academic theses on how The Cat In The Hat might or might not draw some inspiration from minstrel show characters that stopped being commonly recognized over half a century before those children were born?

And finally: I’m just kind of bemused by the tone in which each of the anti-Seuss articles brings up the lack of representation of PoC, which comes across like, “Did you know that a shocking 98 percent of human characters appearing in his books are white, and the remaining 2 percent are consistently portrayed in subservient roles? My my, this coming from a white author whose contemporary culture was extremely segregated and in such a way that when white and black people interacted the latter were assigned to subservient roles? Whoda thunk it?” (No, not very charitable, but it’s hard for me to read the tone any other way.)

Representation in media is perhaps the issue where my view is most closely aligned with the orthodox Social Justice view of the last five or so years -- I really believe it’s a serious problem that until lately wasn’t being given enough attention, and the recent emphasis on this is pushing our culture in a positive direction. But I’d suggest that a better mindset for the cause of exposing children to better representation in school is that children’s literature should be slanted in the direction of more modern works and against too much emphasis on (white) authors from the 1950′s (since Dr. Seuss was exceptional, he deserves some emphasis, just not at the expense of authors from more enlightened, inclusive times). This is quite different from decreeing that Dr. Seuss has been discovered to have been Problematic from his personal history or and something read into the content of his books and therefore should be cast aside as a racist in celebrations of children’s literature.

#Dr Seuss #social justice #representation #racism #xenophobia #yes i couldn't resist using thunk in a post about dr. seuss

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timeoutforthee · 5 years

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Like it or Not-Chapter 24

Taglist: @itsausernamenotafobsong, @sea-blue-child, @iaminmultiplefandoms, @princeanxious, @uwillbeefoundtonight, @zaidiashipper, @arandompasserby, @levyredfox3, @falsett0, @error-i-dunno-what-went-wrong, @scrapbookofsketches, @podcastsandcoffee, @helloisthisusernametaken, @amuthefunperson, @michealawithana, @yamihatarou, @heck-im-lost, @unlikelynightmareconnoisseur, @idkaurl, @bubblycricket, @fnp-alizay, @neonbluetiefling, @comicsimpson, @a-little-bit-of-ace

Summary: Logan, Patton, Roman, and Virgil are all struggling in their recovery. Their doctors, Thomas Sanders and Emile Picani think they can help each other out.

Aka Group Therapy AU

Trigger Warnings: discussions of anxiety, fictionalized body horror/monsters

Read it on AO3!

Paisley wants to interrogate her son. She wants to know why she didn’t hear him sneak down last night, wants to ask if he didn’t or if he’s just gotten better at hiding it. But the second she takes a look at him, she swallows her questions.

Patton has dragged himself out of bed and down the stairs to sit at the kitchen table with great effort. The dim lights are usually nice, but right now they feel like they’re too bright.

“Honey, you look exhausted.”

“I just had a lot going on yesterday,” Patton says, which is the truth. Emotionally, he’s drained. “I couldn’t fall asleep last night.”

Technically, he fell asleep fine last night. The first time. Then, as always, he woke up at 1:28 in the morning. And he sat there. He thought about all the steps he had just made, and he felt...different. Usually he felt hollow when he snuck down to eat. But then, he just felt tired from everything he had gone through emotionally during group. He decided he wanted to sleep more than he wanted to eat, so he turned his back to his phone, and tried to go back to sleep.

He couldn’t.

Leaving him here, exhausted and trying to pull himself together for school. From what he could tell, he wasn’t doing a good job, because his mom kept shooting him concerned glances. Eventually, she walked over and gave him a kiss on the head.

“You’re doing so well, honey,” she said.

Patton winces. The last thing he wants is for people to know. He doesn’t want to let them all down when he inevitably messes this up.

“No!” Roman says, resisting the urge to hit the table to emphasize his point, “No! No! No!” In front of him on his desk is Remus’s sketchbook. It’s a green cloth covered notebook filled with sketches from his various projects. It’s flipped to the sketch that’s supposed to be anxiety. Remus is sat in the seat next to him, with his body turned in the chair to face Roman. The entire classroom is white, save for the show posters hung up around the walls.

Remus rolls his eyes at Roman’s theatrics. “And why not? These sketches are great.”

“These sketches are disturbing-” This one in particular is a hunched over creature, with bloody scales covering the body. There are a few stray lines, but overall it’s very clean and nicely done. Roman is still impressed that such talent could come from such a mess of a person.

“They’re monsters, Roman, what did you expect?”

“You know what I expect? A well thought out piece that makes people think, not some cheap scares that take advantage of the neurodivergent community!”

“Maybe you’re expecting too much.”

“Clearly! I don’t know why I thought you would actually care about this project-”

“I care about this project, I just don’t care to bend to these rules you’re pulling out of your ass!”

“How dare you, I’m just trying to-”

“Guys,” Suddenly Mr. Hurley is standing in between their two desks. “What is going on here? I can hear you arguing from my desk.”

“Roman is making up rules to try and restrict my creativity.”

“Remus isn’t listening to me.”

“Well, maybe you should come up with something worthwhile to say.”

“Maybe you-”

“Guys!” Mr. Hurley repeats, “Remus, is there something you can work on without Roman? I need to talk to him at my desk.”

“Me?!” Roman says. Remus just smiles.

“There sure is, Mr. Hurley,” Remus says, pulling his sketchbook back onto his own desk.

“Roman,” the teacher says, nodding to his own desk in the back of the classroom. Roman stands up and walks over, followed closely by him.

“Now tell me why you can’t get along with Remus,” he asks as soon as they’re out of earshot from the other students.

“I’m just trying to take this assignment seriously!” Roman says, frustrated.

“And what makes you think Remus isn’t? When he told me your guys’ plan he also told me he’s the one who came up with the idea, I think that shows dedication on his part.”

“But we’re dealing with real conditions here,” Roman says, desperate for his teacher to see his side, “Real people in the audience will see our representations, we don’t want to upset them!”

“So you’re worrying about censoring yourself?”

“No! Yes! I don’t know!” Roman yanks his hand through his hair. “I don’t care if people are uncomfortable with our portrayals, but I want them to be accurate and thought out, because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.”

“They’ll get over it,” Mr. Hurley laughs, “Besides, you don’t even know if people in the audience will have these...conditions.”

“Do you know how common they are? Of course there will be!”

“You don’t know that,” Mr. Hurley says, “And if I were you, I’d watch my tone when talking to an authority figure.”

“Sorry, sir,” Roman says automatically. His father has taught him well, “I’m just...passionate about this topic, is all.”

“Aren’t you passionate about everything, Prince?” his teacher laughs. “If you can, try and dial it back a bit. Remus has some good ideas. That’s why I assigned you two together. You could create something great here, you just need to step back a bit.”

“Step...back,” Roman repeats.

“Yeah!” Mr. Hurley says, “You’re brand of creativity can be a little...sweet. Like cake with too much icing. I think working with Remus and creating this story will be good for you.”

“Okay,” Roman says. Maybe he could be a little much. Maybe he was making a big deal out of nothing.

The bell starts to ring and everyone starts packing up for their next class.

“This was a good talk, Roman,” he says. Roman nods. Mr. Hurley smiles and claps him on the shoulder before going back to his desk.

Roman grabs his books and heads to lunch.

“But why does the anxiety monster have bloody scales?” Virgil asks.

“Because it looks cool,” Roman responds, shrugging.

“But...that’s not a good reason,” Logan says.

“Well, Mr. Hurley thought I should be more open-minded, therefore, cool monster.”

“A monster can be cool and still make sense,” Virgil says under his breath.

“How?”

Virgil tries not to shrink back in his seat at that. He had plenty of experiences with anxiety, and all its many symptoms. He was sure he could find one to elaborate on.

“Ha!” Roman takes his silence as a victory, “It’s not that simple, is it?”

“Of course it’s not simple, nothing about mental illness is simple,” Virgil says, a little harsher than necessary. He regrets it immediately when Roman pulls back, but before he can say anything, Roman continues.

“Look, I don’t really like it either, okay? But I’ve got nothing else to offer, so I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m sure you can think of something, Roman!” Patton speaks up.

“But will it even be a good idea?” Roman says. “Who’s to say my ideas are better than Remus’s? His are valid too.”

“Valid, but also stupid. If he’s just going to make whatever monsters he wants, then why even base them on mental illnesses in the first place?” Virgil says

Logan looks across the table at Patton. He’s been uncharacteristically quiet to day, and their friends’ current fight is doing nothing to help that situation. Right now, Patton’s eyes are looking at the whiteboard, the bookcases, the desk in front of him, anything but Virgil and Roman.

“Because this is what Remus wanted, and what Mr. Hurley wanted, so maybe it’s the right choice after all!”

“What about what you want?”

“I want...a good story,” Roman says, “But I think...I think I’m getting in over my head.”

“I don’t,” Virgil says, “I think you can do it, Roman. But it’s going to take work, because you don’t know the first thing about anxiety.”

Roman sputters. “I am trying-”

“How?”

“I-I,” Roman pauses, “I care! That’s-that’s something, right?”

“Of course it is,” Virgil says, softly, “But you need to put a little more work into it than just caring.”

“Virgil’s right,” Logan says, jumping in, “We know you care, you just need to show it.”

“How do I do that?”

“By doing research, so you can accurately represent the monsters,” Logan says.

Roman wrinkles his nose. “Research?”

“Yes,” Virgil says, “You really want to write a good story? You have to put more effort in.”

“Okay, okay,” Roman says, “I get it. You guys are right. But it’s just going to be so hard.”

“You’re right, it is,” Virgil says, shrugging.

“But I’m sure you can do it, Roman!” Patton says, snapping his head up from where it was trained on his lunch.

“I am, too,” Virgil says, “I really do believe you care, Roman, and that does count for something. And I think that passion will make it easier for you to write this story.”

“Thanks,” Roman says, slowly. “So...Virgil, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” he says.

“What is anxiety actually...like? What are the worst parts?”

Virgil snorts. “Everything,” he says automatically. Then he leans back, contemplating it a little more. “It’s like I’m afraid, but I don’t know what I’m afraid of. My body is constantly on high alert even though I don’t know what the threat is. I’m always looking out for what’s going to go wrong.”

“So if you’re always looking for something to go wrong…,” Roman says, “Maybe we could do something eye focused? Like multiple eyes?”

“That makes sense,” Virgil says, “More sense than bloody scales.”

#like it or not #sanders sides fic

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thenearsightedmonkey · 1 year

Photo

I’m the 2023 Mackey Chair in Creative Writing. This is the door to my pad. The drawings are by my students who are helping me understand what happens when people who quit drawing a long time ago start up again. These drawings were done with eyes closed. Three colors, one minute per color, one drawing right on top of the other. My instruction is “Close your eyes and draw a full human skeleton in one minute. Don’t peek! Go!! “. Somehow a very lively drawing shows up with so much more going for it than an accurate representation of a skeleton. And the students were surprised. And also happy. And they were interested in their classmates drawings in a new way. Drawing itself has an energy that transforms the mood of the class. If I’m studying anything right now, that’s it. What is this energy that drawing can bring to a classroom? It feels vital. And it brings about a state of mind that is perfect for writing stories. At the center of both drawing and writing is something my teacher, Marilyn Frasca, called an Image. Once you know what that feels like— to be in contact with something that is in contact with you, there seems to be a natural way forward that isn’t thinking. It’s something else. And it’s something good. #beloitcollege #Mackey https://www.instagram.com/p/CoPs2csO4yK/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#beloitcollege #mackey

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liu-lang · 5 years

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i had 2 open lessons this past work week, friday morning and monday night. I didn’t discuss the outcome of the first one with the PA (production assistant - they’re part of the sales team and point of communication with the parents). she just never set up a follow up meeting with me. i felt like i could have given clearer instructions so the students understood where to position themselves during the activities. the PA for the second open lesson informed me that the parents left the feedback forms blank and gathered outside to discuss among themselves that i was unprofessional and it wasn’t a good lesson at all. i haven’t felt this awful and like this much of a failure since going through those 2 months of probation. the PA requested that i prepare another open lesson for next class and she will film tt and send it to the parents. parents are displeased that i am chinese american. they expressed to the PA they would feel more comfortable if their children were taught either by a real foreigner (white) or a local chinese teacher. at least with a local chinese teacher, they can communicate directly with them and they feel tt the local chinese teacher can understand and meet their kids’ needs better. i went home to cry with mango. i’m the only chinese foreign teacher at my centre so i feel really alone in my experience.

one of the other senior teachers sat me down and helped me figure out how to improve. she said not to take the parents’ comments to heart too much as parents have a different perspective and what they see during an open lesson is not a true reflection of the students’ language ability or the teachers’ teaching ability. in the past, parents have stopped teachers in the middle of open lessons and walked out or they have stopped teachers after an open lesson to give them condescending advice on how to teach better.

one of the major factors in my open lessons not going well is that i didn’t get to rehearse with my students. both of the open lessons were scheduled and i wasn’t informed during the lesson prior to the open lesson (1 week before). there is a procedure to be followed by both the teacher and the PA when it comes to open lessons and it didn’t happen here. i did have a rehearsal with my DoS for my first open lesson which helped me tweak the activities i planned. but she was on vacation by the time my 2nd open lesson came around.

open lessons focus on 2 of the 4 language abilities: speaking, listening, writing, reading. after drilling the vocab, we move into the language ability activities then we consolidate the language with a parent-student interaction activity. it’s difficult as is to elicit accurate and fluent English from my own students but then to involve parents or in some cases grandparents who have no English is another unknown variable. the open lesson has to have a variety of interaction patterns, teacher to individual student, teacher to whole class, student to student and parent to student. the student to student interactions are always the most stressful. there was a moment during the student to student dialogue where i really felt like i’m not having any impact on these kids’ lives. they role-played ordering drinks. the target language was : do you like [beverage]? / yes i like [beverage]. many students answered : yes i am. i had 20 minutes before the parents came into the open lesson to remind them : yes i like [beverage]. from those 20 minutes i knew they weren’t ready. it made me question, are they really learning anything ? am i really teaching them anything ? do they understand what they are saying ? do they even know the difference between “yes i like [something]” and “yes i am” ?

each class has 2 to 4 open lessons depending on the course level they’re at. the senior teacher who sat me down to give me encouragement helped me re-conceptualise the open lesson a little bit. i came into it feeling a tonne of pressure to meet the parents’ expectations and to be on par with my more experienced co-teacher and not have my open lesson reflect poorly on her. this lead me to focus on eliciting structures and language tt the students’ are expected to be able to do at that point in time instead of what the students’ can actually do. she told me to just teach them like it’s a normal lesson - go through the exact same order of stages and do activities students feel confident in. she told me it’s my job as the teacher to help the students feel safe during open lessons. which made me think... then why ? why are we doing this thing that obviously stresses the kids out and is an inaccurate representation of their ability ? i really think the downfall for my open lessons is in my classroom and behaviour management. in these 2 classes where i had the open lessons i have students who don’t want to participate and cry when they come to class, students who are overly competitive and will give up if they see others finish or succeed before them, students who are easily distracted by their peers and surroundings, students just don’t have enough practise outside of the classroom to demonstrate any level of english ability independently and can only produce through repetition after being prompted and also students tt are perhaps special needs but their parents refuse to acknowledge it. managing all of this is very difficult and i feel like i just do not have the training or experience to do it successfully.

i really do want to do my students good. but i only have 1 hour with them twice a week. during certain stages of the lesson, especially during book work where i get to check if they’ve learnt the material, i feel disappointed in myself. this month we’re debuting the updated version of our course for 3 - 6 year olds. in this course, my 6 yo students are expected to read short stories and write sentences. on monday i did the first lesson of the new course with one of my slower classes but they couldn’t even identify letter names. they didn’t even know how to read the word side of the numbers flashcards. i wanted to cry. in that class, there is one girl who definitely has developmental delays or intellectual disabilities or maybe is on the spectrum and yet the parents insist she continue. she is very happy and always eager to try but i just don’t know how to bring her up to speed. these students see a revolving door of teachers - many who graduate from uni without any teaching experience, do an online TEFL course and then are put into classrooms to teach 10 or more classes ranging from 3 to 18 year olds. how is the for-profit ESL industry actually serving these students ? yes the company does train us and have senior teachers mentor and guide us. but teaching is really difficult, especially teaching a foreign language. the communication barrier just makes everything so much more difficult.

on thursday i start another class with 3 year olds. kids are so exhausting. their parents’ expectations make me feel suicidal and hopeless and like this is all useless. if there are any teachers out there especially ESL who can help me see the bright side in all this, i would appreciate it.

#personal #work #beijing move

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joeschap · 3 years

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DYSLEXIA, DYSGRAPHIA, DYSCALCULI

Name of strategy: Orton-Gillingham approach

Use of strategy: Treatment for dyslexia and general reading comprehension. For use in all content areas and grade levels

Focus of strategy: Phonemic awareness, spelling, reading comprehension

Explanation of strategy: The Orton-Gillingham approach is a highly structured program where lessons are taught in a planned sequence which keeps students focused on a targeted skill. Each phoneme (sound) in the English language is taught in isolation with repetition and enough time in between each skill for the student to learn and master the skill along with reviewing and utilizing past lessons. With this program, students do not progress to the next skill until their previous skill is mastered. When students learn new material, they continue to review old material until it becomes part of the student’s long-term memory. Reading and spelling are taught simultaneously.

Supporting articles:

John, N. Critical Review: Examining the Effectiveness of the Orton-Gillingham Reading

Approach for Poor Readers in Elementary School. The state University of New Jersey,

Rutgers.

Ritchey, Kristen D., Goeke, Jennifer. (2006). Orton-Gillingham and Orton-Gillingham Based

Reading Instruction: A Review of the Literature. The Journal of Special Education,

40(3),171-183.

Stevens, Elizabeth A., Christy Austin, Clint Moore, Nancy Scammacca,

Alexis N. Boucher, and Sharon Vaughn. (2021). Current State of the Evidence:

Examining the Effects of Orton-Gillingham Reading Interventions for Students

With or at Risk for Word-Level Reading Disabilities. Exceptional Children

Sage Journals), 87(4), 397-417.

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Name of strategy: Davis method

Use of strategy: Treatment for dyslexia and general reading comprehension. For use in all content areas and grade levels

Focus of strategy: Mental orientation, visualization, spelling, reading comprehension

Explanation of strategy: The Davis method is based on the belief that dyslexics are primarily picture-thinkers and that they generally think through mental or sensory imagery rather than using words, sentences, or internal dialogue. Since this method of thinking is subliminal most dyslexics are not aware that this is what they’re doing.

The two major components of the Davis Dyslexia Correction program are Orientation Counseling and Symbol Mastery.

Davis Orientation Counseling teaches dyslexic students how to recognize and control the mental state that can create distorted perceptions of words, numbers and other written material. Students learn to turn off thought processes that can cause misperceptions and, instead, restore their minds to a relaxed and focused state that is more suitable for reading and other studies. Once Orientation is learned, the student is ready to build the conceptual skills that will allow them to overcome the specific problems caused by dyslexia.

Symbol Mastery gives dyslexic students the ability to think with symbols and words, so they can learn to read easily and with full comprehension. Using clay, students first work with the alphabet, numerals, and punctuation marks, to make sure that they have an accurate perception and understanding of these symbols. Students then use clay to model the trigger words (the short abstract words) frequently encountered in reading, such as and, the, to or it. These words cause problems when dyslexic students cannot form a mental picture to go along with them. Through the Symbol Mastery technique, the student makes a three-dimensional clay model of the meaning of each word, together with a model of the letters of the words. With this approach, learning is permanent.

Supporting articles:

(2012). Effectiveness of Davis Dyslexia Correction Method on Reading Performance of Dyslexic

Children, Journal of Applied Psychology. 6(2(22)):41-58, Summer. 2012.

Amsberry, Gianna; T. F. Mclaughlin; K. Mark Derby; Teresa Waco. (2012). The

Effects Of The Davis Symbol Mastery System To Assist A Fourth Grader With

Dyslexia In Spelling: A Case Report. Journal On Educational Psychology,

6(2),13-18, August-October 2012, 2012.

Heidari T, Amiri Sh, Molavi H. (2012). Effectiveness of Davis Dyslexia Correction

Method on Reading Performance of Dyslexic Children. Journal of Applied

Psychology. 6(2(22)),41-58.

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Name of strategy: Graphic organizers

Use of strategy: An aid in treatment of dyslexia. For use in all content areas and grade levels.

Focus of strategy: Comprehension, organization, investigation, recall

Explanation of strategy: Graphic organizers are useful and easy tools that can visualize and organize information. They are often used as prompts for students to construct ideas, organize and sequence information, plan what to write, increase reading comprehension, brainstorm, organize problems and solutions, compare and contrast ideas, show cause and effect, and more. What the students need to do in most cases is to fill in the blanks. The ability to color-code thoughts in a picture can help significantly in understanding and remembering the information. Graphic organizers benefit students who use them in the following aspects:

Help students structure the writing project.

Encourage students to judge the pros and cons of making decisions.

Generate, classify ideas easily, and communicate in brainstorm.

Examine relationships.

Guide students to demonstrate their thinking process.

Increase reading comprehension

Organize and compare essential concepts and ideas.

Sequence and break a story into the main elements (intro, rising action, climax, and more).

There are many types and varieties of graphic organizers that can be utilized, the one below is but one of many.

The sequence chart is a tool that helps visualize the order of steps of a process or a timeline of events, etc. It can also be used for note-taking, lesson planning, and essay writing.

Supporting articles:

Praveen, Sam D., Premalatha, Rajan. (2013). Using Graphic

Organizers to Improve Reading Comprehension Skills for Middle School ESL

Students. English Language Teaching, 6(2), 155-170.

Wise, Mark, Cooper, Carl. (2019). Increasing the Value of Graphic Organizers.

Edutopia. Lucas Educational Research.

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Name of strategy: Clay modeling

Use of strategy: Treatment for dysgraphia to develop and control motor skills. For use in all content areas and grade levels

Focus of strategy: Gross motor skill development, fine motor skill control, dexterity, communication.

Explanation of strategy: Dexterity and finger strength is very important when it comes to handwriting. If a student has dysgraphia, their fine motor skills need work and the strength in their fingers needs to be improved. Playing with clay or Play-Doh for just 30 minutes a day will increase both strength and dexterity in the hands and fingers. As the muscles in their fingers strengthen, it will become easier to grip pens and pencils. A good game is to roll the clay/Play-Doh out and practice making letters. This is particularly useful for pre-school children as it reinforces the shapes of the letters but can be helpful with all ages.

Supporting articles:

Crouch, A. L., & Jakubecy, J. J. (2007). Dysgraphia: How it affects a student’s performance and

what can be done about it. TEACHING Exceptional Children Plus, 3(3) Article 5.

Fischer, Jeri, & Rettig, Michael, A. (2004). Dysgraphia: When Writing Hurts. NAESP, 84(2)

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Name of strategy: Multi-sensory math techniques (Visualizing with beads)

Use of strategy: Treatment for dyscalculia. For use math instruction at all grade levels

Focus of strategy: Numeric representation, comprehension, number manipulation

Explanation of strategy: Using beads, dried beans, or other tangible items as manipulatives is an excellent way to have students visualize and display math operations. For example, students can solve an addition sentence by adding two sets of beads together or they can discover how much is left after subtracting some beads. Different amounts of the items can also be grouped together for multiplication and division. Moving items around and seeing how the quantities change provides a concrete way of understanding how math operations work. Manipulatives can also help students develop a sense for numbers and understand amounts.

Supporting articles:

Price, Gavin R., and Daniel Ansari. (2013). Dyscalculia: Characteristics, Causes, and

Treatments. Numeracy, 6(1) Article 2.

Michaelson, Matthew Thomas. (2007). An Overview of Dyscalculia: methods for ascertaining

and accommodating dyscalculic children in the classroom. AMT, 63(3), 17-22.

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chloegrayportfolio · 3 years

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Module Two: Doing Worthy Work

Week 9 Progress Log

What do you believe it means to be educated?

To be educated is to be a well-rounded and well-verse member of society who is socially aware.

What are some of the personal concepts you have about how learning happens?

I believe there are many factors that can influence and alter an individual’s learning experience, such as their relationship with the teacher, their place in the classroom, and how they are taught. Learning only truly happens if it is occurring in a positive, supportive environment.

What is your understanding of what it means ‘to teach’?

To teach is to share my knowledge with each generation of young learners in a way that is both efficient and memorable.

What makes you think that you would be a good teacher?

I believe I will be a good teacher because of how passionate I am in everything I do. Everyday I will work to not only teach and inspire my students, but do so in a way that they appreciate and enjoy. I will also be a good teacher because I will be open and approachable—not at all a figure my students fear.

What do you feel are some of the issues facing schools and education today?

I believe some of the biggest issues facing schools and education today are the heavy dependence and reliance on standardized testing, a lack of access to qualified mental health professionals within schools, and an inequality in opportunities for students in lower-income schools.

What would an observer see in your classroom related to teaching, learning, and the community of learners?

An observer would also see an open learning environment where my students are given options on how to better their learning experience. They would see a variety of teaching and learning styles (verbal, visual (images), text). They would see an open community of learners that treat others with respect and are able to work together and help one another.

What would an observer in your classroom see you doing?

An observer in my classroom would see me forming bonds with my students in order to better understand them and their needs. An observer would also see me always looking to make education and teaching more unique and entertaining for my students through a variety of activities, experiments, and games.

What makes your classroom unique? Describe it.

I have always believed that a teacher’s classroom is also the students’ classroom, meaning students should be able to have a say in how their classroom is structured. What would really make my classroom unique is based on the feedback and ideas I receive from my students. However, my classroom would have tables set up in a way that makes the classroom feel like a large, open space (rather than rows of desks). It would be colourful without chaos and include things such as quiet corners, a wall displaying the hard work of each student, and as well as an anonymous question box regarding homework that will be answered by me to the entire class, as a way to inspire my students to ask more questions without nerves or anxiety.

How do your students engage in learning?

As a teacher, I would incorporate many different styles of teaching and learning into my classroom, as I believe and understand that each student learns differently and in order to ensure engagement in my students, I must provide them with a variety of things that will help them work towards success. I will incorporate things such as verbal lesson explanations, visual representation (examples(s) of work), and written instructions. My students will have always have the option to explore different learning styles in order to remain best engaged.

What do you want your legacy as a teacher to be?

As someone who is looking to become an elementary school teacher with a preference towards teaching in the primary grade levels, I believe there is a huge responsibility on myself in how I introduce and teach things such as reading and writing to my students—two things I am passionate about. I would like my legacy as a teacher to be the teacher my students will look back on and remember as the person who taught them the joys and excitements of reading—the person who inspired them to visit the library on their free time and appreciate books, especially as these students will still have many years of schooling to go.

I believe …

I believe that a classroom belongs to the students in the class just as much as it belongs to the teacher—therefore, the teacher should always make sure it is an environment their students feel welcome, comfortable, and ready to learn in through the creation of a floor plan and desk plan that works for the class and artwork/motivational images chosen by the students.

I believe that the use of standardized testing in schools is proven to be less of an accurate representation of a student’s knowledge each year and that education needs to move towards more open, community and group-based learning that does not rely solely on independence and memorization to measure understanding.

I believe that there is no logical explanation as to why we expect 25+ students to have the same learning style—each student has the right to be provided with a variety of options when listening to lessons as well as completing assignments, in order to find what works best for them.

I believe there are many factors that can influence and alter an individual’s learning experience, such as their relationship with the teacher, their place in the classroom, and how they are taught—learning only truly happens if it is occurring in a positive, supportive environment, and the responsibility of the creation and upholding of this environment is on the teacher.

Reflection: It was actually quite difficult to choose which sentences to reflect my main beliefs, as the thought of teaching in the future is very inspiring and exciting for me. I have such strong beliefs and opinions regarding how schools and classrooms are “traditionally” run—especially regarding standardized (memorization-based) testing as well as isolated seating plans and work settings. I truly believe that we need an education reform and my beliefs as a future teacher reflect what an education reform could look like, and would look like for myself, my classroom, and my students. These beliefs reflect the desire and hunger for change I have. These beliefs come from a plethora of reasons, but most notably because of recent reflections I have done by myself regarding my history of schooling and education. Despite having solely positive experiences myself in the classroom growing up, I am now well aware it was not like that for all of my classmates. Growing up, I never really noticed how poorly the students in my classes who required extra help or different teaching styles were treated, but as I grew older the biases teachers held in the classroom became clear and apparent. Teachers would talk to these students like they were absolute nuisances, and then get angry when those same students would act up in class or simply just not hand in the assignment. I am able to reflect on the education system and teachers that pushed these students away and punished them. I think about all the children who grew up hating school, when they were really just given adults who were unable to recognize the variety of needs in a single classroom. My beliefs stem from my desire for the next generations to enjoy school and learning much more than mine did.

Assignment 2: Grading and Motivation

Part I: Analysis of Eileen (Student)’s Learning

Student input. What did the student come to the learning with? (Discuss at least 2 dimensions in details)

Despite Eileen’s painful ailments of arthritis and diabetes that hindered and limited her general movements and physical activity, Eileen seemed to be a highly positive, optimistic, and uplifting presence—even prior to meeting Carolyn. Three things Eileen came to the learning with were her values and her aspirations. Whether or not Eileen realized it, she seemed extremely well-rounded in the classroom regarding the work she was doing and the relationships she was building and developing. This well-roundedness comes from who Eileen was a person—what her life values were and the person she aspired to be.

Eileen came to the learning with wholesome, selfless life values that were reflected in both how she spoke to others as well as her behaviour around her classmates: she put every single other person above herself. All Eileen wanted to do was encourage others, put a smile on peoples’ faces, and keep the peace and happiness. Despite the chronic pain she was in, she never wanted to inconvenience others by making a showing of it. Eileen could have easily expressed annoyance, frustration, and anger towards her limitations, but instead she expressed things such as happiness, patience, and strength. However, a negative side of these wholesome, selfless values is that Eileen often put herself last out of fear of inconveniencing others, such as her classmates, Carolyn, and the school Nurse when her swollen legs were in excruciating pain from an arthritis flare up. When Carolyn questions Eileen on why she did not let her pain be known, Eileen says that she cannot tell even her mother because “She was too sad already” (Mamchur, 1981), inferring that these values of Eileen’s may be a result of how she has always had to put her mother’s emotional pain above her own physical pain.

Another strong thing Eileen brought to the learning were her aspirations—she aspired to succeed in whatever was being done, no matter how difficult it was for her to complete—and she did so without a single complaint leaving her lips, only words of encouragement and praise for her peers. The fact that Eileen never gave up on a task and was consistently working to be stronger than the poor health conditions that hindered her capabilities reflects the kind of person she was: hardworking, determined, and strong. She aspired to grow above her limitations, and this was shown in a variety of ways. Despite her own hardships, she always lent a helping hand to her classmates when it came to threading needles or organizing activities (Mamchur, 1981), Eileen came to the classroom with the aspiration to be a helpful, positive presence within the classroom—and she succeeded.

Environment. What did we do together in the school to learn life skills? (Discuss at least one experience that has impacted Eileen’s learning)

Despite the fact that the class Eileen was enrolled in of Carolyn’s was a class that specialized in traditional feminine behavior modification, tackling life skills such as sewing, I believe the most valuable life skill I witnessed Eileen learn in those three pages was how to speak up for herself without fears or anxiety regarding the potential of burdening, inconveniencing, or depressing someone.

This learning experience happened after the school Nurse questioned Eileen as to why she was silent about the intense, excruciating pain she was suffering through. Carolyn noticed that Eileen’s response to this question were her eyes filling with tears, which led to a deep and meaningful conversation between Carolyn and Eileen in which Carolyn assured Eileen that no one would be upset with her for being sick (Mamchur, 1981). This assurance led to Eileen confiding in Carolyn, inferring that her mother cannot support or help her due to sadness she feels. The supportive response she received from Carolyn upon the reveal of this information is probably one of the biggest learning experiences for Eileen—a learning experience that taught her to think about and care for herself.

Outcome. What was the outcome of the student in that environment? (Discuss changes in student in at least 2 dimensions)

Two changes Eileen underwent during her time in this environment were in her self-concept and in her abilities.

Regarding her self-concept, the time spent in this classroom positively impacted her for two main reasons, these reasons being both the helpful role she played to her peers in the classroom as well as being valued, respected, and truly known by Carolyn. The experience of being a helpful, positive figure within the classroom contributed to the changing of Eileen’s self concept because it gave her a sense of purpose and value within the class—even if she could not be entirely successful at a task, she knew she could still help others work towards their desired achievements. The presence of such a positive, trusting, and helpful adult in her life—Carolyn, positively contributed to the changing of Eileen’s self concept because Carolyn was able to let Eileen know that she is deserving of care and support, as well as allow Eileen to realize her worth—both in a classroom setting and on a personal level.

Eileen also experienced changes in her abilities as a result of this environment. One large change that is mentioned by Carolyn is Eileen’s involvement in organic teaching, in reference to Eileen helping a younger child count out their change correctly (Mamchur, 1981). Due to the group-like, non-traditional academic setting Carolyn designed that they had been learning in, the students, Eileen included, were able to initiate and participate in less traditional forms of learning and teaching.

Part II: Analysis of Carolyn (Teacher)’s Learning

Teacher input. What did the teacher come to the learning with? (Discuss at least 2 dimensions in details)

Carolyn came to the learning with many aspirations and values. In fact, the entire reason why Carolyn even found herself asking for volunteer work at that school was because of her aspirations and values.

Carolyn’s initial aspirations included going to Florida to obtain her Education Degree, but unplanned instances somewhat derailed her plan. This led her to develop different aspirations, eventually asking for volunteer work at a local school for Children with Special Needs. She then brought her aspirations within the school walls and let them show through a variety of creative, expressive ways—”In preparation for classes, I carefully braided my hair, weaving a bright scarlet ribbon through the strands. My nails matched my lipstick and I chose to wear a white dress splashed with small pink roses…” (Mamchur, 1981). Carolyn came to the learning with the aspiration of influencing this group of girls—not only through behavior modification, but on a personal level, as well. She was looking to be more than just the typical teacher and educator to this group and she succeeded through her usage of non-traditional teaching and learning styles, focusing more on experiencing what they were learning, rather than just reading and writing about it.

Carolyn’s values were reflected in what she taught and how she taught it. Yes, volunteered in a classroom setting where traditional, feminine behaviours were valued and taught, yet she did so in a non-traditional way that represented her own values and shared them with her students. For example, old-fashioned feminine activities were explored and completed, such as tea time, hair-braiding, and sewing. However, they were not explored in the typical, strict way we may imagine schools to run things. Carolyn’s values were brought in and really implemented through her non-traditional ways of teaching—such as letting the girls explore things such as sewing and hair-braiding, rather than forcing them to watch educational films or lessons on such activities.

Environment. What did we do together in the school to learn life skills? (Discuss at least one experience that has impacted Carolyn’s learning)

Carolyn may have taught Eileen and the rest of her students an abundance of useful life skills regarding etiquette throughout the year, but she did learning of her own, as well. Through the observing of and communication with Eileen, Carolyn learned important life skills, too. Despite being the student, Eileen was able to subconsciously teach Carolyn the key life skills of maintaining a positive and optimistic attitude even in the most difficult hardships. Carolyn’s way of learning was watching Eileen prevail through her pain, her illness, and her suffering. The experience that impacted Carolyn’s learning most was the watching of Eileen’s consistent smiling, laughing, and praise of her classmates, all while suffering from chronic pain without letting a single complaint slip. Eileen’s determined attitude deeply impacted and inspired Carolyn, which is shown through Carolyn’s sending of a Christmas gift to Eileen.

Outcome. What was the outcome of the teacher in that environment? (Discuss changes in teacher in at least 2 dimensions)

The outcome of the teacher, Carolyn, in this environment was a very positive one. This environment provided unique teaching and learning experiences for both Carolyn as well as her students. At the end of the school year, she left this school for Children with Special Needs with an abundance of new abilities and knowledge (on a demographic of students who are often left behind and forgotten, especially back then).

After this experience in this learning environment, her teaching abilities had evolved and grown to best fit the needs of her students, thus providing her with a high-level experience before even leaving for her Degree in Florida. She was able to form relationships and deep connections with her students, resulting in bonds of trust that allowed the students to explore a variety of learning and teaching styles. This led to Carolyn’s recognition of organic teaching within her classroom, as demonstrated by Eileen when she helps a younger student count their change.

Another area where Carolyn experiences growth due to this learning environment is in her knowledge, both in her better understanding of disabilities due to this experience as well as her knowledge of the individual life experience of Eileen. Due to the trusting bond the two of them have built, Carolyn is able to gain insight and knowledge on who Eileen is as a person, her ailments, and the factors that cause her to behave the way she does, such as her mother’s sadness.

References

Mamchur, C. (1981). Educational Leadership, 39(2), 152.

Reflection

I included the Progress Log of Week 9 in my portfolio because it allowed me to explore my personal philosophy regarding education and teaching. The questions required deep thinking and deep reflection, which was useful for me, as it allowed me to revisit and remember the reasons as to why I am so passionate about becoming a teacher. The credo I constructed for this Progress Log is something I believe in to the core. Every word written really reflects my principles, values, and beliefs regarding teaching, education, learning, and the classroom. One of the reasons why I have always wanted to be a teacher throughout my life is because alongside providing education, I would like to provide my students with support, positivity, and care needed in order to ensure their success, as well. I believe students deserve better than what they have been given (especially students in the extremely underfunded public school system). I believe students deserve change. I also chose to include this Progress Log because it includes critiques I have regarding the Education system, as it is important to recognize, remember, and understand the flaws in this system and how these flaws affect learning, productivity, and behaviour in the classroom. I included Assignment 2: Grading and Motivation, as I really enjoyed the exploration into Eileen’s personal relationship with Carolyn’s and vice-versa. I am very passionate about the wellbeing of students and making the classroom a happy place to be, so this Assignment was very educational, informative, and beneficial to me. It was extremely heart-warming to read the story of how they inspired and motivated each other and it was inspiring to read of the positive impact Carolyn clearly had not only on Eileen, but on the class as a whole. Additionally, I really enjoyed being able to go through the text and make connections between Carolyn and Eileen’s input, environment, and outcome.

From this Module, I have learned of how personal beliefs impact your approach to teaching, education, and the classroom, as well as the importance of creating meaningful relationships with your students and what these relationships entail. Something this Module has done is allow me to explore my beliefs regarding education. This exploration has led me to a deeper understanding of my thoughts and feelings in relation to my personal philosophy towards teaching. This deeper understanding has been a huge learning moment in my understanding of why I want to teach. After the completion of this Module, I revisited the reasons why I want to teach, and I realize my reasons align perfectly with my credo. The focus of my credo is on improving the education system, understanding students and learning, and being an overall positive person and educator in their life. As someone who grew up in an underfunded inner-city public school, an environment that was unable to entirely align with this credo, I feel as though my experiences allowed me to see flaws and holes in the system from a young age. Revisiting these reasons and truly understanding the role they play in my beliefs as a prospective teacher has been a learning experience for me.

Something that challenged me in this Module was reading Carolyn’s story of Eileen. This challenged me because it forced me to consider and think about the physical ailments of students that may require them to have Special Needs within the classroom. Typically, when I think of accommodating students to make them comfortable in the class, I think about things that will accommodate and comfort them emotionally and mentally. Physical special needs of my students really are something I have failed to consider in the past, which also challenges me to analyze and reflect on how my privilege as an able-bodied person could lead me to be ignorant to the needs of others. However, after being presented with this text, I think about physical needs and what I will be able to do to satisfy these needs for my students. This Module challenged me because it forces me to challenge and change the image of a student in my head and allows us to see how our privilege affects our mindset. I consider myself an open person with little biases and little assumptions, yet the realization of how static the image of what a student is like both mentally and physically has challenged me to work harder in the unlearning of these assumptions, as I must be prepared for every type of student as a teacher.

I see growth in my passions and aspirations regarding the education system. After the completion of this Module, I have learned my goals extend beyond the classroom and school. I have always known that I wanted to teach because I wanted to create positive learning experiences and be a positive role model in students’ lives, but through the completion of this Module, I realize these goals and desires exist because of problems in the bigger picture. These goals and desires did not come out of nowhere, they exist because of things in the school system I disagree with, such as my disapproval of standardized testing and my first-hand experiences watching the education system fail students who I know deserved better. Another thing I see growth in is the way I think of my future students and classroom. Prior to the completion of this Module, I did not consider the possibility of having students with physical limitations in class. However, I now consider it with every aspect of the classroom, such as the classroom layout and group activities.

Overall, this Module taught me the importance of my credo, the role my beliefs will play in my classroom, and what it means to create safe, supportive, and accessible environments for all students. This Module has helped me to recognize the important role these factors play in the creation and upholding of a positive learning environment with little problems.

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