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lov3nerdstuff · 4 years

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Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 5.7}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 5.4k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

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"What's this?" Robin asked before her eyes would be tempted to simply read, and intentionally kept her gaze locked with his to avoid just that.

"My reason." He stated calmly, but before Robin could even voice any of her protests, he added, "Just get over it and read, will you?"

Thus, Robin merely nodded and finally gave in to her curiosity. The crawling of her skin lingered nonetheless.

I have been lenient in the past years, but this time I need you to take care of an issue I have with the ministry. I believe you know enough people, have enough connections there. It should be easy for you, and thus the very least I can expect of you after so long. I need you to clear up the charges held against me for good, as soon as possible.

Happy birthday,

Mom

For a moment, Robin kept staring at the words as she waited for them to start making sense to her. When they didn't, she started with the only thing she understood.

"It's your birthday?" She asked in a weirdly croaky tone that was rather reflective of the disconcerting and cold irritation she felt after reading this.

"No."

"Then consider me entirely confused." Robin's brows furrowed in both concern and insecurity, and she probably conveyed just that as she looked up at Snape at last. He didn't seem uncomfortable at all, even though they were moving into yet uncharted territory.

"My mother seems to be involved in some kind of conflict with the ministry, but I have no idea what it is about. We haven't spoken a word in many years." He explained with a sigh. "But she seems to believe that I will see to it that whatever charges are held against her will be dropped."

"Will you?"

"Of course not. I have no intention to get involved in whatever business she has gotten herself into this time. Even if she seems to believe that I must."

"She, uhm… she didn't really phrase her request all that nicely."

"She never has. It seems to be a common mode of speech in pureblood families."

"Oh, so you're…?" She couldn't really bring herself to say it, and she blamed herself for sounding so surprised. It wasn't even unlikely!

He sighed again, rolled his eyes to himself about something, and then leaned back in his chair. "No. My father, unfortunately, is a muggle."

"...unfortunately?"

"I meant to say that it's unfortunate that he is my father, not that there is an issue with my father being a muggle." He clarified immediately though, as he obviously only now realized that what he'd said might actually be misunderstood. "He isn't what you would call a decent man."

"Seems like an odd couple…" Robin mused before she could help it.

"You could say that, yes. They split years ago; I haven't spoken to either since."

"So this is the first thing you hear from your mother after years of silence?"

"Yes."

The thought angered Robin with a start, and she frowned down at the paper she was still holding in her hands. Sure, her own mother wasn't perfect either, but this woman was just… horrible. Why would someone talk to him like this?! And as it seems, she had always done so. The thought filled Robin with immediate hatred for a person she didn't even know, and it urged her to act.

"Sorry if it's not my place to, but I just have to say that I can't stand this woman." She spoke in an instant, and she meant it to the very bottom of her heart. "I might not know her, but I still think she's a terrible person."

"That is the very conclusion I came to as well." He replied with a small smirk. "And the very reason why I will not help her. She has no right to demand that of me."

"She seems to believe that she does, for some reason I don't understand."

His expression fell into that of disdain, but it was not directed at Robin. "In… my childhood it was expected of me that for my birthday I give a gift to my parents. To prove my gratitude for what they sacrificed for me. It was a pathetic excuse for their own craving for recognition, and it seems that my mother remembered it just in time to wrap her demand in a veil of her own nostalgia."

Robin didn't know what to reply to that; she merely stared at him in a way that couldn't possibly convey her thoughts. What he'd just said was terribly sad on its own already, and together with everything else she was learning right now, it painted a heartbreakingly bleak picture of his childhood, and his family. Even if the fact that he actually shared all this with her was delightful, Robin was very far from happy. But she also was far from pity, because pity was for people who had lost and given in. And he was the very opposite of that.

"Why now? You said that it's not even your birthday…" She finally asked, and even though she didn't want to be inquiring for more than he was willing to share, it still was better than anything else she could have said in return.

"No, but it is my father's. That obviously is close enough, if it's not all the same anyway."

And here Robin was, thinking that her own parents didn't care. Her heart broke even more for him, and she finally understood why he'd been so upset all day. She could only imagine that hearing from someone after such a long time, especially in a way like this, brought back memories, no matter if they're good or bad. In this case, they seemed to be even worse. But he had moved past it enough to even tell her about it, which was something she still couldn't believe was happening.

"When is your birthday then?" She finally wondered, leaning her head to the side with a small smile. Maybe they could move past the darkness, but keep the honesty.

"Why do you want to know that?" He frowned, slightly doubtful but not defensive.

"I'm trying to win an argument." Her smile widened ever so slightly as his frown deepened. "Wasn't that what you said about telling people when my birthday was?"

"It was indeed, but I do not see how you could win an argument by knowing on which day I was born."

"No, but by proving to you that it's not all the same. Because to me it isn't."

"Will you stop bugging me if I tell you?"

"No." She replied easily, with a smile in return to his exaggerated eye rolling. "Where would be the point in that?"

"I was born on the ninth of January in nineteen sixty, in a town called Cokeworth in England. Are you content now?" He sighed in annoyance that might have been feigned or real, or maybe both.

"I am indeed. Was that really so difficult?"

"Yes." He stated in absolute seriousness, in honesty, and Robin immediately felt bad for pushing him into telling her. Just what she had not wanted to do.

Her eyes clearly reflected her regret, but she held his gaze nonetheless. "I… I shouldn't have asked. I'm sorry."

"I am not."

"Huh?" At that, Robin's eyebrows rose in surprise.

"I am not sorry that you asked. However I'm not used to conversing about my personal matters, nor do I usually choose to. So this really is… difficult, as you put it." He replied calmly, and Robin felt like she could finally breathe again.

"I didn't mean to be difficult."

"You challenge me, that is entirely different."

"Good different or bad different?"

"That would depend on the person you ask."

"I'm asking you."

"I wouldn't like you half as much if you wouldn't challenge me."

Robin's lips curled into an unstoppable smirk. "So you admit that you do actually like me?"

"I take that back. You are insufferable and I cannot stand you."

"You know that you like me." She couldn't help grinning, especially at his feigned annoyance. It really was reassuring on so many levels.

"Unfortunately." He sighed with a not-smirk, and Robin's heart did an instant happy dance. That he did in fact like her wasn't news, but he had never straight out admitted it before. That was enough reason for her heart to soar. "But do not believe that this… redundant discussing of my personal affairs will be a regular thing now. I was cruelly bribed with cake tonight."

"I really should bring you cake more often then."

"You can try."

"I will."

"I know." He huffed, but with the tiniest of smiles that made it rather clear that he wasn't actually opposed to the idea. Robin wouldn't push him though, not tonight and not in the future. It was just like with the sassing… there was a line that could be walked at times like this, but it should never be crossed. And just to be safe now, Robin moved a step away back into safer territory. She had learned so much about him, and he had shared more about himself tonight than in the past few years combined. That was already quite enough to turn Robin's insides into a puddle of mushy tingles.

"Do you see the dawn from in here more often?" She asked after a while, and watched the light of morning creeping through the small window more and more. It was incredibly cool toned, especially in comparison to the usual candlelight she had lived by for the past days, but it also brought a breath of serenity into the office.

"Rarely. Hardly ever."

"Neither do I. See the dawn, I mean."

"Unsurprisingly, I only ever stay up until dawn when you happen to get yourself in trouble."

"Today I didn't." Robin complained lightly with a chuckle, and the desire to go out into the courtyard to watch the sunrise bubbled up within her mind. Probably it was too cloudy for that though, especially now in December.

"Indeed. This time I kept you up all night, which hardly makes it any better, if not all the worse."

"I prefer it, actually. It makes the break of day quite the bit more enjoyable."

"Still I do not like the fact that you lost sleep because you spent the entire night helping me."

"I absolutely do not mind in the least. Not at all." Robin took her eyes off the window and looked back to Snape at last. "I would do it again any time."

"Would you now?"

"Yes. I would even be happy to." The ease of her voice that yet conveyed absolute certainty lingered in the room for a moment, as its soundless echo was louder than the silence. Snape looked like he was actually short for any decent reply for once, and Robin understood that. She didn't know what she would have wanted him to reply either.

"Will you at least promise me that you will use today to rest?" He finally asked, and Robin sighed.

"I can't. Sorry…"

"Whyever not? Do you have work to do?"

"No, but I have made another promise, and that makes it impossible to do what you ask for. I make no promises I know I cannot keep."

"What would that be about?" It wasn't an accusatory question, nor a demanding inquiry, but rather sincere curiosity, and Robin had to smile at that. She didn't have to explain herself if she didn't want to, it was her choice. Right now, they were nothing more and nothing less than two people having a chat.

"I promised Cas and Jorien that I would tutor them today, and that usually takes a while. They couldn't find decent books on their current topic, so I will have to teach them a few things myself."

"What subject?"

"Potions, actually." Robin couldn't help smiling at him, and once he raised an eyebrow she straight out laughed. "I told them not to use the textbook for assignments, so now I have to deal with the consequences of that."

"There are decent books on the current second year topic, you know that." He pointed out, but Robin's grin still didn't falter.

"I do know, and I gave them one to start with last night. But as far as I'm aware they have to turn the essay in on Monday, and I can hardly have them read all of my books before then."

"So you will teach them the topic."

"Yes."

"In my subject."

"Yes…?"

"Doesn't that count as cheating?"

"Not if you don't tell the professor." Robin replied with a smirk, and for once she got a chuckle in return. "No but seriously, I don't write their essays for them. I give them information on all subjects they come asking about, and what they do with it is their own business."

"And today you promised to give them a lesson in potions."

"Yes. Right after breakfast so that they can use the afternoon to write the essay. Speaking of breakfast, I believe it has already started… Should we be going?"

"Since neither you nor I are obviously going to find any rest until afternoon, we might as well."

With a smile, Robin rose to her feet and together they made their way towards the great hall in comfortable silence. However before they passed through the huge doorway and thereby into the line of sight of other people, Snape turned to Robin once more.

"Seeing as I obviously could never convince you to break your promise to your roommates, I was wondering if you, perhaps, would be willing to include a few other students in your tutoring today. I happen to have three or four other second years in mind who could use some extra help with the current topic in my class."

"I… have never tried to tutor so many people before, especially not people I don't even know. But sure, if I'm gonna talk about the topic already, I guess I don't mind if a few more people profit from hearing it. If you really think that's a good idea…"

"I do indeed. I shall see to it that the individuals I have in mind will find their way to my classroom after breakfast; it should be preferable to any other place in the castle for this occasion. And I have work to attend to in my office anyway."

Robin's lips curled into a smile before she knew, then into a smirk as she caught on to what he was doing there. "Sneaky." She said, and didn't even try to hide her amusement. "I'll gladly tutor a few more people, and I'll very gladly use your classroom for it. But you know, you could have just asked if you wanted to keep an eye on what I teach them. Or simply admit that you're curious."

Snape gave her a glare that did nothing but make her smirk even more, then he turned back towards the door with a not-smirk of his own. "You do spend too much time with me indeed."

"Not nearly enough." Robin wasn't sure if he still heard her words or not, as he pushed the doors open to make his way towards the head table with the perfect facade of cold indifference he always seemed to wear around everyone but her.

But it didn't matter if he had heard her after all, and Robin made her way towards her own table with a lingering smirk. If he wanted to see her taking over his classroom, she would gladly do him the favor. But first, coffee.

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Sooner than it seemed like it should, the day that was long anticipated for most, and long dreaded for few finally arrived. The day of the New Year's ball… a nuisance as always, especially during breakfast and lunch, for the solemn topic of discussion seemed to be who went with whom, and who would be wearing what. Had Robin not been so determined to keep Snape company again, she would actually have fled the castle for the day. Asked for permission to camp in the gardens, perhaps.

But she had decided that she would attend for his sake, and this year she had come somewhat prepared in terms of clothing at least. During summer she had not felt like it would be necessary to actually go out and buy a suitable dress, which she did kind of regret by now, but instead she'd packed what she had also worn to the conference: the green blouse and the high-waisted skirt. It had seemed like a good idea back then, and even if it seemed a bit underwhelming now, Robin figured that it wouldn't actually matter. She'd just go sit in her corner again, and nobody would see what she was wearing anyhow.

So that's what she did once she arrived down in the great hall, finding herself an empty table way off to the side once again. Nobody paid her attention, and she in return paid close attention to everyone once she was seated. The procedure of the night had been changed in hindsight to last year, and once Dumbledore had made an official welcoming speech, the first dance was announced and only then the music actually started. And as it seemed, the dancing lessons had paid off, for the floor was literally crowded with couples eager to partake in this first dance.

That was also when Snape found Robin, only moments after Dumbledore's speech –as the only 'official' part of the night– had ended with applause. Without a word he sat down next to her as if it was the most natural thing in the world, and it actually felt like just that indeed. For a while they simply listened to the music in silence, for appropriateness' sake while the first dance was still taking place. But when the last notes passed and the overall chatter in the room picked up in noise instead, they went along with it.

"You are wearing the same… pieces you wore to the conference last summer." He stated first, and Robin let out a humored huff.

"You actually remember that?"

"Only because I received various letters which clearly pointed out the respective addressor's opinion on your choice of garments."

"Oh…" Robin felt the heat rising to her cheeks immediately. Yeah, she remembered the variety of reactions as well.

"Most of them were… positive, in case you care to know. Entirely inappropriate, but positive."

"Inappropriate? In which way?" She couldn't help asking, even if she had a rough idea of what he meant. She hadn't forgotten the weird gazes of the man who had been sitting next to her at the conference.

"The way that will not have me say out loud a single word of what was written in those letters." He grumbled more to himself than to Robin, and her cheeks heated up even more in a weird kind of discomfort. But at least it seemed to make him equally uncomfortable.

"I can go and change if what I'm wearing is inappropriate." Robin suggested with a shrug, and tried to force the heat off her face with her own feigned casualness.

"Don't. You do look very… appropriate."

"Alright…"

He didn't reply, and neither did Robin know what to say to break the for once rather uncomfortable silence that had now fallen between them. Compliments weren't his thing, if that wasn't obvious enough, and Robin didn't even know how she would accept one in the first place if it ever came to that.

"Change of topic?" She thus suggested, with a hopeful half smile.

"Please." He sighed immediately in return, and Robin's smile widened into a full one that reached her eyes as well.

For the next three hours they talked about anything and everything, or sometimes not at all for a while, but mostly they made fun of the other people in the room. And just like last year, just like before, nobody actually paid them any attention. People were dancing, chatting with their friends or eating canapes, and generally having a good time by any common standards. They had no mind for the two distant figures in the corner who came up with new creative and artistic ways to mock the people around them by the minute. Which probably was a good thing.

At some point around eleven, Robin stood up from the table for the first time in hours to get them a drink. Not because she'd been eager to mingle with the crowd at the buffet, hell no, but because she had lost a bet about how many times a particularly clumsy Gryffindor boy on the dancefloor would step onto his date's feet. Robin had put a guess on three times, while Snape had been entirely convinced that the boy would step onto his date's dress, not onto her feet. Unfortunately he had been right, and thus Robin made her way through the hall now, in the hope to be back at her table as soon as possible. Yet, she hadn't even reached the buffet when she was stopped in her track.

"Ah, Miss Mitchell!" Professor Dumbledore smiled at her as he very intentionally stepped into her path. "I hope you are enjoying the ball? If I'm not mistaken, I haven't seen you dancing even a single time."

"Good evening, sir." She replied politely, even if she hoped that the conversation would be over before it even got started. "I'm enjoying the ball, but I'd rather stay at my table though."

"I must admit, I was under the impression that you would be here with Mister Weasley tonight."

"Who?" Robin frowned before she could think better of it. She most definitely wasn't attending with anyone, and she didn't plan to change that. She was only here to keep Snape company.

"Professor McGonagall told me that you danced with him during her lesson, and that quite successfully as well. She seems to have gotten the impression that you two would be a good match."

Oh bloody hell… so that's who he was talking about; the redheaded Gryffindor boy. Robin had no clue how McGonagall had gotten the idea that they would go to the ball together, but the thought alone made her stomach churn. Staffroom gossip was nasty. "Professor McGonagall was wrong, then. She must've been misled by the fact that we didn't trip over our own two feet like most of the other dunderheads. Students, I mean."

"I see." The headmaster smiled that stupid small smile again, and Robin wanted to know what he really thought. But he was as enigmatic as ever. "A merely professional encounter by chance then?"

"If you want to phrase it like that, yes." Robin's frown stayed on her face as she answered, and the tiny hairs in her neck rose as a cold heat ran down her spine. She crossed her arms over her chest to suppress the shiver. Why was he trying to converse with her in the first place? Surely he must have better things to do.

"Please excuse my curiosity, Miss Mitchell, I merely could not help noticing how much time you spend not only with additional studies beyond the school curriculum, but now also by helping students in the grades below you. Some teachers seem to give you a surprising amount of additional work, and it left me wondering if you are given enough time to pursue your own interests as well. Social ones, in particular."

Robin wanted to scoff at him, but she bit the insides of her cheeks because she knew that she shouldn't. Social interests? Did he mean dating? Friends? His out of context inquiring made her wish to get away from here grow even stronger, and she instinctively thought that her personal matters were none of his business. Unfortunately, they probably were… especially if it concerned the work that was given to her by his staff. Just give him an answer he wants to hear and it will be over. "I certainly have everything I need, sir. The-… "

"Excuse me for interrupting your conversation so rudely, but I would have to steal Miss Mitchell from you now, headmaster." Snape's deep voice came out of nowhere, and brought an immediate wave of relief to Robin's entire being as he came to stand next to her. Soundless in his movement as ever, he practically radiated a calm collectedness that erased the discomfort of everything else. And yet the relief turned into electric excitement when he placed a hand on the small of her back. Gods, how could something so minor be so reassuring and yet so… exhilarating?

"I see." Dumbledore's smile widened for a second to look almost sincerely amused. "Don't let me stop you then, Severus. I believe I have kept Miss Mitchell from enjoying her evenings for long enough." With a courteous nod and the very same enigmatic smile as always, he turned around and then disappeared in the crowd at last.

Robin let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, trying to clear her mind, but her focus remained on the hand that was still resting on her back. Snape's touch was scorching, even through the many layers of fabric, and she had to remind herself to breathe.

"Come." He merely said, and his hand stayed in place even as he led Robin out of the great hall.

"It's still a good while until midnight, isn't it? Is something wrong?" She finally inquired once they slowed down in the candlelit hallway. At least she could speak again now, without her heartbeat filling the silence between every word.

"You looked uncomfortable." He replied, but obviously tried to keep his voice neutral as if simply stating a fact. "I thought I might as well put an end to that."

"I desperately wanted to get away from there, actually. The crowd, I mean, the conversation… the entire situation probably. Thank you for saving me." Robin smiled as she let him lead her down into the dungeons even though she had no idea what he was up to. It didn't matter; she'd gladly go along with about anything right now. Only once they stopped in the middle of a crossing of hallways, his hand finally dropped from her back and Robin immediately missed the subtle touch. Even if its echo lingered on her skin like an imprint.

"You should go and get your warmest robes, it is dreadfully cold out in the wind." He stated as he took a step further into one of the hallways. "Meet me back here in five minutes." Without another word, he walked on and away, leaving Robin alone in the crossing with a frown on her face. It would be another forty minutes until midnight, and the courtyard was mostly shielded from the wind anyway… but she might just as well question him about his plans after she had done as she was told for once. He'd saved her out of the uncomfortable situation with Dumbledore after all. Without wasting more of her now barely four minutes, Robin made for her room that she resided in alone over the holidays, as always, and spontaneously decided that she would change entirely. Instead of the skirt and blouse, she put on her beloved black jeans and a warm jumper, then her boots and at last her winter robes and Slytherin scarf. One minute left… She locked her door with a wordless spell on the go and then ran back through the dorm, through the common room, through the hallways, and finally came to stand in their designated meeting point at the very same time as him. Robin's chest heaved visibly, and yet she made an effort not to pant while the ringing in her ears slowly faded. Geez, running just wasn't for her. Never had been.

Snape merely raised an eyebrow at her in amusement. "Why the hurry?"

"You said be back in five minutes!" She complained, and the lingering rasp of her voice clearly gave away that she didn't engage in such physical activities all too often.

"Since when do you actually listen to what I tell you to do?"

"Good point. I tried, for once."

"You used the time to change; obviously five minutes is fairly little time to do so."

"Well yeah… Whatever we're going to do now, I didn't want to do it in a skirt." Robin shrugged, and her lungs finally stopped burning with every breath she took. "Skirts and cold weather don't exactly work in any combination for me. I'd rather be warm than well dressed."

"Come on then. I would prefer to be gone before the crowd of students takes over the hallways." He said, and they made their way back to where they had come from, back to the entrance hall of the castle. Yet, instead of the great hall, they ventured out into the courtyard, and bloody hell, it was cold indeed. Robin shivered immediately as the cold air blew into her face, and she was only glad that she had changed. Definitely worth the run.

"What was the headmaster's business with you?" Snape finally wondered as they sauntered through the arcades.

"Are you asking or demanding an answer?"

"Asking. I haven't demanded an answer from you in a long time, and I have no intention to do so in the future."

"I appreciate that, just so you know." Robin smiled, mainly because she knew it was true what he said. Then her smile faded as she went to explain. "Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall were under the impression that I would be attending the ball with someone tonight, and I assured him that they were very much mistaken."

"And whom did they have in mind?"

"I honestly can't even remember his name." Robin said in subtle annoyance at the headmaster for being so assuming indeed. "Some redhead in Gryffindor. I danced with him during McGonagall's lesson, and obviously our common not-failing led her to believe that we were… better acquainted. A lot better."

"Are you?"

"No! As I said, I don't even know his name nor did I care to find out. He was a decent partner for the dance practice, after I snapped at him for being an arse, but that's it. I really didn't see the point in talking to him any more than necessary."

"I can imagine. Vividly."

"Imagine what?"

"You, snapping at someone for being an arse." He said, undoubtedly humored, and when Robin looked up at him he actually was smirking openly for once.

"Am I that rude usually or where does the vivid impression come from?" She asked with a laugh in return, just as they reached the far corner of the courtyard. The point where the wooden bridge began. With a start, Robin remembered how they had talked about coming here last year on new year's eve, but never again since. And still he had remembered it somehow, as this clearly was just the place he was leading her.

"You snapped at me for being an arse before." He replied easily, still in amusement, and Robin knew exactly which instance he was talking about.

"I won't apologise for that." She said with a glance at him out of the corners of her eyes. This conversation could take a turn very quickly from this point, and she could only hope that it wouldn't.

"I wouldn't want you to." He stated, almost with a smile, then his expression turned back into neutral territory. "However I still have no idea why Professor Dumbledore would make an assumption about your… company, for tonight."

"He said he was worried that I didn't get to spend enough time doing that pathetic stuff other people my age fancy doing. That, perhaps, you give me too much extra work."

"He said that?"

"In other words, but yes."

"And what did you reply?"

"I was going to tell him that I'm perfectly happy with the way things are, but you came to my rescue before I could make that abundantly clear to him."

"Are you though?"

"Am I what?"

"Happy." He spoke the word like it had a foreign taste to him, careful yet deliberate in a way that conveyed an invisible layer of meaning Robin didn't understand. But it was the question itself that surprised her to a point where she was short of any reply. Thus, for now, she didn't say anything at all.

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fairymadnessyeah · 3 years

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The Coffee Deal

Happy Birthday Janus! I know it’s late but I wanted to make a special fic for the ocacion. This is in the same universe as my fics Roman’s Nightmare and Remus’ Dream. Enjoy!

Find it in AO3 too

Summary: How Patton and Janus meet in this AU, and how a friendship was born out of coffee.

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When Janus first moved into his apartment, he wasn't alone. Not in the sense that he had a roommate or something like that, but that he wasn't the only one moving into an apartment that day. His neighbour, a man with a happy smile and a naive aura, was also moving in. The man, who he later learned was named Patton, was unusual. He always greeted him with a smile and excitement. He always tried to start a conversation with him. And in the weirdest of cases, he seemed genuinely happy to see him, even if he had always been passive in their interaction. It didn't take him long to understand that Patton was one of those naive, smiling baffoon type of people, that even in the darkest of days could find a glimmer of sunlight. It also didn't take him home to find his bakery. It wasn't that surprising that someone as disturbingly sweet as Patton would work with sugar daily. He went one day out of curiosity, and regretted the moment he took the first sip of coffee. Not because it was bad, quite the oposite, Patton's coffee was what the snake of Eden must have tempted Adam and Eve with. It was so good, he would even come to this bakery filled with sunshine and fools for a cup every day. But he really didn't want to do that. Call him prideful and egocentric, but coming every day to Patton's bakery just for the coffee seemed like giving his neighbour a win. And he absolutely didn't want that. He had to find something to get over Patton so they could have the same ground. And luckily, that chance come sooner than expected. A big man stomped inside, glaring at the owner of the bakery. "Hey, faggot! Where is my money?" the man says loudly and threateningly. "Don, I'm just a little late," Patton pleads with the man, and when it doesn't work, he steps in. "Excuse me, but you don't talk to my client like that," he jumps in, then takes another sip of his coffee. "And who are you, Ugly?" the man sneers at him. "I'm his lawyer," he responds, gesturing for Patton to stay out of the conversation. "Now if you don't want a lawsuit for unwarranted violence in the public space, I advise you to turn around and come back when you are ready to talk," the man does just that, slamming the door on the way out. "Thank you, Janus! I don't want to think about what Don would have done if you didn't stop him. But I don't have enough money to pay you," Patton, thanks him. "We can discuss payment later," he tells the baker. "For now, I need to know what happened, and if you know what the problem is. Try to get it for after the lunch rush, I will come here, and we'll work this out," with that being said, he left.

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"So let me get this straight," Janus begins, as he rubs his temples frustrated. "You spend a ridiculous amount of money on soup daily, instead of paying your dues," Patton nods with a smile, not seeing the obvious problem. "I have the money, and it's the right thing to do," Patton says. "Patton, you don't have the money to do that," Janus clarifies. "Maybe at some point you did, but now you are in debt to a lot of people," Janus reminds him. Patton not only owed money to the man from the morning, but to a lot of other people too. There was a whole ass assembly that he was indebted to. They were on trial. Which was completely illegal, but he was not going to mention that unless he needed to. And he had also found out his neighbour was an idiot. "How are you not out of a home yet?" he asks. "Logan. He takes care of the expenses of the apartment," the fool smiles. "Look, Patton. While I admire your commitment to your selfless interest in the homeless," he lies. "I don't think you can keep up the pace," "But if I don't help, who will?" the man asks, pouting like a sad puppy. "You can't help the homeless, if you are homeless yourself," he states, shooting down his smile. "Which will happen if you don't take care of your business," he reminds him.

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The 'trial' went in his favour. At first the other business owners wanted nothing more than to trump Patton. He had not been here long, and he was gaining a lot of popularity fast. But then he brought up his ace card. By simply telling them that if Patton didn't feed the homeless, then those people would come to them. For how bad it was, it was surprisingly easy to manipulate entitled people. And so the next day, when he got up, he went to get his coffee. It was a Monday, so Patton didn't open the bakery. However, that didn't mean he wouldn't be getting his payment. With his pyjamas still on, he went to his neighbour's door, and knocked. He should have checked himself before, but in his sleepy daze, he didn't notice. "Hello, Ja-NUUUSSS!" Patton starts saying, but it turns into a scream at the end. "Umm, Janus... you have a... you have a... new friend on your shoulder," the naive man tells him, pointing shakily at his neck. "Ohh," he says in realization. "This is Deceit, he is my pet," he introduces his Plain Garter snake to his neighbour. He had always liked snakes. And every morning, before going to work, he fed Deceit, taking him out of his cage and letting him slim around his neck. Depending on the day, he would either take the snake with him to his job, or leave him back in his cage until he returned. The little guy loved hiding in his hat. Maybe he should have given Patton a heads up. "Anyway, I'm here for my free cup of coffee," he tells his neighbour, shoving his mug in front of the other. "Okay..." the other says, and steps back into the apartment. Patton comes back a second later with a pot of the sweet waking nectar he prepares, and fills his mug. "Have a nice day, Janus. And a pleasure to meet you, Deceit," Patton says his goodbyes. It was clear he was still weirded out by the snake, but he was trying to be polite. He leaves with his coffee and his snake, still unable to figure out his neighbour.

#thomas sanders #janus sanders #patton sanders #ts deceit #human au #happy birthday janus #i know it's late #sue me #apartments aside #ao3 link

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permian-tropos · 6 years

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essay which eventually makes an argument about which fandom discourse is good political praxis and which is ungood

I know it’s crass to connect inane fandom crap to real world atrocities so to be just minimally crass: recent real world atrocities have indeed made me think of inane fandom crap I’ve seen, but then I wondered what the right way to discuss the parallels even is. Stories resemble reality and things fans say diegetically about fiction (like, the thing we all do where we phrase it like it’s real) can resemble things people say about reality. Diegetic opinions can resemble shitty real world opinions. And we argue constantly about what to do about it.

I’m feeling fucking pissed about some real world opinions, but I don’t think dumb Star Wars fandom arguments technically cause the real world opinions I’m super fucking pissed about, the way people think they do. So this isn’t about that. (spoilers it eventually is about that but I’ll say it’s not for now)

I want to argue that discourse should be about examining every diegetic opinion that feels possible. Everything from baseless nonsense, to things you agree with, to things you are comfortable agreeing to disagree about, to opinions canon tries to slip by unquestioned, like, “there’s nothing to be done about the fact that Coruscant has billions of poor people buried underground like a wealth inequality layer cake”.

I’m reframing the inflammatory “your diegetic opinions describe your real world ones” or the moral panicky “your diegetic opinions will become your real ones”: The more possible it feels that you’d find fans with the diegetic opinion, the more valid your society/culture treats the real-world counterpart.

So I’m angry, because our society treats horrible opinions about state violence now being applied to the recent Gaza massacre as valid, and it has treated them as valid for a long time, and it’s reflected in some diegetic opinions on the Jakku massacre. Opinions which I now am extra disgusted by. But the people with those opinions might not have the same bad opinions about the real world; it doesn’t work like that. I want the discourse to stop focusing on that.

The ease with which people could, if not justify, minimize, the awfulness of Kylo killing of the Jakku villagers, shows some culturally non-taboo things to say about state violence (“they were fighting back, the villagers were protecting the Resistance/were armed by them, maybe they weren’t a threat in that moment but they clearly would have threatened the Order if they’d had the means, and the Resistance was wrong to use them as a shield”) and its actors (”Kylo didn’t really want to do it, he had to prove he was tough in front of Phasma, he’s desensitized to this because everyone in the Order does it”).

Diegetic opinion: What Kylo did was not excusable. It was completely brutal and unnecessary. The villagers had been disarmed, Kylo killed not just the men combatants but the women noncombatants and children too, and the villagers fought back in the first place because the Order was imposing entirely illegitimate authority. Kylo did not have the right to use military force to get a map to find a man who was hiding because didn’t want to fight, to enact personal revenge because that man held a weapon over his head for a hot second. What would that even be, a cosmically strained stand-your-ground defense? Anyway it was definitely an evil thing to do.

And those opinions aren’t super radical so they’re treated by society as valid too. As people have pointed out, though, when “war crime good” and “war crime bad” are treated as equally valid, it actually favors war crimes. People have to waste time justifying not doing war crimes. War crimes can be done before facing the court of public opinion, and then the noise of the debate can go on until the next war crime happens. And the same is true of “racism good”/”racism bad” and so on.

But okay now I want to make an even more complicated-ass point about villain stanning. The more prevalent the garbage stan opinion is, the more support it gives to the overarching stan opinion: “this villain is a normal person”.

Cause I think there are three strains of fan apologia:

1) I forgive it because it’d be excusable in real life (not always wrong! but with the Jakku massacre it does indicate offensively crap politics)

2) I forgive it because it’s not real and enjoying the thing doesn’t significantly affect my moral judgement or anyone else’s (basically always valid when true)

And the one that intrigues me,

3) I forgive it not because it’d be excusable in real life but because a normal person could excuse it

If you’re excusing actions the narrative doesn’t present as wrong, the person you’re imagining as normal isn’t the character but the writer. Or, using Death of the Author, some hypothetical authorial intent -- but only if it’s possible to conceive of a writer with this intent. And it’s only palatable when the projected (if not actual) author is a decent person. Their opinions might be bad but it’s from a failing of society, not the individual. This is what so many of us use for the HanLeia kiss in ESB to avoid hating Han for what would count as sexual assault IRL, or to avoid deeply loathing the writers or the movie.

Also if you project opinions onto a narrative that either aren’t there or aren’t provably intentional or explicit, and construct the hypothetical authorial intent behind it and find it unforgivably abnormal, and then decide the actual writer must be as well, that’s called Rian Johnson Retire Bitching.

Imagining the writer as normal is one way we can forgive fictional bad behavior, if we think the writer intended it to be excusable. If we think they might not, we can turn to another version -- the character excuses their own behavior, and under certain circumstances we believe a normal person could make those excuses, so the character can be normal (we empathize with normal people, we want them to redeem themselves).

Type 3 stanning arguments about the actors of state violence (eg. what people argue the bottom line of Ben Solo’s moral capacity is), show that we think decent people can be actors in state violence. With the justifications people make, Kylo Ren could technically be a “normal” person because “normal” people can be convinced of all these justifications. And you know what, I’d say that’s true. Nearly every human is born with a healthy ability to develop good morals, so societies where tons of people condone or excuse atrocities do not have abnormally evil people. They have abnormally evil culture.

But the more people repeat the justifications as valid, the more it shows that Kylo is normal. Kylo has a lot of fans, and if enough of them express these diegetic beliefs, it’s sort of evident that “normal” people can have them. The part where I think fiction does end up maybe affecting reality is that diegetic opinions are treated as more potent if the real-world counterparts are good ones. And it’s moral purists and antis and ~discoursers~ that keep encouraging this perspective.

So the antis give the stans a reason to present their diegetic opinions with real world opinions. Or to defend them without talking about real world opinions. To show that lots of people can have this opinion. Normal people. Good people, decent people. People who, even if they don’t have all the right morals, could have them in a healthy society. But they’re not really clarifying that these aren’t the right morals. Even people in the kylux fandom slipped into this from time to time despite a big push to make “we know they’re evil” the motto.

It’s tempting to use a more potent argument. Push the fandom Overton Window. “Kylo killed those villagers and it was evil but I can imagine him justifying it in ways that show he’s capable of good, and I want to see him become good” is just not as potent as “it was a wartime execution and if the stormtroopers are people maybe the villagers are also bad for killing them” when it comes to making people more sympathetic towards Kylo.

Thanks to the anti framework of “your faves must be unproblematic” (nice work folks :/) and thanks to people who care too much about their problematic faves and don’t pay attention to the real world, diegetic opinions can end up implicitly encouraging people to push real world opinions for the sake of protecting Your Misunderstood Cinnamon Woobie who you’re very emotionally invested in but doesn’t actually exist, and that is kind of how I’m seeing fandom team up with bad politics when it doesn’t need to. Your Evil Woobie Boi can represent something good for you and you can express this and enjoy yourself. I have an evil woobie boi. He’s a great creative outlet. I absolutely stan the institution of loving villains.

Which means we have to a) get rid of the purity wank framework and b) prioritize getting good opinions through ongoing interrogation of the real world and not expecting that we can indirectly absorb wokeness through media crafted to convey only the right messages.

To ensure that people absorb those messages you have to get them to take all messages in media as correct. If your idea of media criticism is, when you get down to it, “criticize the things I think are wrong until they’re all gone and then make fiction tell people the right way to think”, your logical end goal is a society completely uncritical of media. A benevolent dictatorship of woke fiction. Forgive me if I don’t find that so reassuring.

And you know what? Because so many normal people (like me, before I discoursed myself) toy with this dystopic underlying ideology, our society clearly treats the idea of a benevolent media dictatorship as valid.

A creepy realization, but look how we got there with the “what opinions feel normal?” method. That’s why I think this model of discourse is one that actually gets us somewhere.

#my post #wow this is like what i did instead of writing my philosophy paper #i wrote a different paper for tumblr #a synthesis of purity wank and villain apologism

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