#like I was fine over the summer but I felt self conscious bc I really was stuffed into my suits | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

savannahsdeath · 9 months

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heyyy could u write something where like reader is about to shower but starts to get really insecure and kinda has a breakdown, BUT ellie reassures her. (pls also give reader stretch marks bc i've been so insecure abt mine lately and i have them literally everywhere. thighs, hips, even on my boobs lol) <3

ELLIE WILLIAMS X INSECURE!READER

mdni please<3

warnings: 18+!! but tbh its minors safe this time i think ??

writers note: just a reminder youre all beautiful no matter what!! beauty standards or wtv was it called are something we shouldnt base our life on but we sadly do. self love is the key to happiness and dont let other people ruin it!!🩷🩷and to our lovely anon, you dont need to worry about stretch marks. trust me, most of people dont even pay attention to them! its nothing 'special in a bad way'. i lately got some too, right before my holidays and theyre sooo visible through my summer clothes but its something you can get used to be comfortable with. please, anon, dont think less of yourself because of them nor any other insecurities. and this comes to everyone!!💞

it was already late so you were getting ready to take a shower to not waste any more time. you put your clothes on a nearby shelf. you stood in front of the mirror in your underwear only, looking for anything that could be possibly pointed out, like you didn't have enough insecurities already. feeling rather self-conscious, you were examining your reflection for any flaws or imperfections. every detail of your body was being inspected up-close, from the lines on your stomach, to the size of your thighs, to the shape of your shoulders and face. your eyes were scanning every inch of you, seeking any signs of something you could hate, even if others wouldn't notice them. you couldn't help but wonder if the things you were stressing over were even worth worrying about, or if you were just creating problems where they didn't exist.

either way, you couldn't help but hate them. and since you mostly focused on bad things and you didn't see your advantages - you hated yourself. in your eyes your whole body could change. or even should change.

the more you stared at yourself in the mirror, picking apart every little thing, the more you hated what you saw. it felt like nothing was good enough, like every little imperfection needed to be changed or worked on. you felt like you could never measure up to this impossible standard, like your entire body was inadequate. the insecurities were eating away at you, gnawing away until any confidence or self-love you might've had was gone.

that was the moment your eyes beginned to get glossy. you didn't cry though, oh, no. you hated the way you look when you cry, just like everything else, so you tried your best to hold back tears. the floodgates were beginning to open, but you held them back with everything you had. you despised the way you looked when you cried: the tears down your cheeks, your puffy eyes, all those disgusting, revolting imperfections. as much as you hated your flaws, you despised your crying face even more. you would never let anyone see you like that, never.

suddenly, your girlfriend and roommate in one, knocked on the door. "everything okay in there?"

she must notice you're taking your time instead of simply taking a shower already.

you stayed silent, knowing if you try to open your mouth you couldn't control what comes from them. you'd probably break down and the thick door won't be enough to mute your pathetic sobs.

you didn't want to answer, but then again, you knew if you stayed quiet, your girlfriend would eventually come in and check on you. you had to keep yourself together. you couldn't fall apart right in front of her like that.

you let out a shaky breath and replied, "yeah, everything's fine." you could feel your voice cracking with each word, but you were determined not to let her see you in such a sorry state.

what if she sees me the way i see myself?

your girlfriend wasn't fooled by your shaky reply. even if you denied it, she knew something was wrong. she heard the emotion in your voice and could sense the struggle to keep yourself together. without another word, she opened the door and walked in.

"what's wrong, pretty girl?" she asked when she didn't saw your glossy eyes yet.

you, on the other hand, couldn't control yourself anymore. the nickname 'pretty girl' hit you instantly, thinking you're anything but pretty.

pretty.

girl.

those two words hit you harder than a punch to the gut, evoking a strong reaction that you tried to mask. you took a deep breath to steady your voice so that you didn't break, but it was impossible to sound completely calm when you felt so much pain just from those two words.

"nothing." you muttered quietly, but your voice sounded more like a choke than a word.

she hugged you from behind, looking in the same, unlucky mirror. her hands softly touched the scretch marks on your hips as she hold onto them, gently rocking you back and forth.

you wanted nothing more than to reject this hug and flee from your own reflection in the mirror, but you were too weak to pull away.

"nothing?" she asked gently, planting little kisses from your neck to shoulders.

you felt a wave of shame and embarrassment wash over you as your girlfriend's touch revealed the marks on your hips. she immediately spotted them and caressed them with her soft hands.

it all felt too much. you were fighting so hard to hold yourself together, but when she touched you, it all came crashing down. the tears finally escaped and you began to sob, clinging onto her tightly as you broke down. "no... not nothing..."

she held you close, feeling your warmth as her arms wrapped around you and her hands comforted your pain. she rubbed your back and kissed your neck as she tried to soothe you. "shh, come here, it's okay..." she whispered gently.

she led you over to the bed and laid you down. she carefully took off her shirt, leaving on only her bra and boxers, then laid down with you, hugging you tightly. she kissed your neck, your face, brushed your hair back, caressed your body, your stretch marks, your insecurities (at least the ones she knew about), anything to try and comfort you. she whispered words of reassurance and love as she tried to fill you with the affection you felt you lacked. "i love you, my pretty girl... i love you." she repeated those words again and again, hoping you'd believe that someone could love you, and that someone was her.

ellie continued to hold you tightly as you cried into her. your tears soaked into her bra, but she didn't mind; you'd done that many times before. she rubbed your back in soothing circles as she let you let it all out, and she made small shushing noises in your ear. your sobs turned into whimpers and then into a soft murmur, and as your emotions died down, she gently wiped away the tears, replacing them with kisses.

as she noticed you calmed down she slightly pulled away to get a better look at you. "can you tell me what's wrong now?"

"i... it's just..." you started, and your voice broke as you tried to find the words. your girlfriend gave you her undivided attention, focusing on you and only you. "i- i don't feel pretty... i don't feel good enough... i don't feel... enough."

with her eyes looking deep into yours, you couldn't help but be vulnerable as you opened up to her. your insecurities and flaws, the things you tried so hard to hide, were all laid bare in front of her now.

a pang of guilt hit you in that moment.

what am i doing?

ellie was so sweet and loving, and you felt like you were just taking advantage of her kindness. like you're just an attention seeker.

but before you could say anything, she pressed a finger to your lips.

"no. shut your mouth." she said sternly, and you couldn't help but chuckle a bit. "that's not true. i don't wanna hear it, not another word." she leaned in and pressed her soft lips to yours.

you found yourself sitting on her lap, as she stroked your hair, whispering something or kissing you from time to time. you told her all about it, about what and how you feel. and she listened.

you were so lost in your emotional story you didn't even notice the way she slowly took off her rings - one by one, and placed them on a bedside shelf.

#ellie williams x reader #ellie williams #ellie williams x y/n #ellie williams x you #ellie x reader #ellie x y/n #ellie tlou #reqs open #ellie the last of us #ellie williams x insecure!reader #ellie x insecure!reader #insecure!reader

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findafight · 1 year

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Hope you're okay with my stray starbara thoughts bc oh my god you've given me brainworms like no other!!!

They're getting serious and telling each other things that they've never told anyone else before. Barb tells Steve that she worries that Nancy is outgrowing her and their friendship is slowly dissolving. She felt it before but it's worse now after the Upside Down and Nancy is charging her way through the journalism world. And she doesn't know what to do. Steve tells her that he does all these things to impress his father but he's not sure if he likes the man he's becoming. Especially since sometimes he's not sure if his dad even loves him. He sure as shit doesn't love his mother what with all the cheating his dad does. He talks about how lonely he gets in that big empty house by himself and she talks about the stares she gets now that she's Poor Barbara Holland who got sick from a gas leak and got lost in the woods.

Steve invites Barb around to use the pool. He talks about how the water will be good for her physical therapy - and while he's not technically wrong it slowly dissolves into them goofing off, splashing each other, and kissing in the pool loungers. She doesn't feel as self conscious with Steve there with her being supportive the whole time.

The first time he lends her his letterman jacket she rolls her eyes at what a fucking move that was Harrington, oh my god. But she blushes and wears the jacket and Steve smiles and looks so happy and smiley he's practically dizzy with it.

He tells her his hair care secrets and she promises not to tell anyone. Barb lets him do her hair for her one time and it comes out so soft and looks so good and she really likes the feeling of his nails gently scratching against her scalp. She knits him a scarf , and it comes out a little wonky with a couple of missed stitches, and all she can see are the imperfections, but Steve loves it and wears it all winter.

He gets his summer job working at Scoops and he hates his dad for forcing him into it but Robin seems cool - if a bit standoffish to him at the moment. The first time Barb comes by to visit while he's on the clock he pulls out the "set sail on an ocean of flavour with me" speech and it's so lame and so dorky but Barb leans over the counter to kiss him on the cheek when he gets her a free cone.

She gets nightmares of the Upside Down still - though they're not as frequent anymore - and they're horrible but if Steve's there he'll hold her close so she can feel his warmth, and his heartbeat, and he'll run his hand along her back until she feels safe again. She returns the favour after the mall burns down and he dreams of being tortured. Of almost dying. Of being drugged and out of control of himself while others were in danger. She holds him this time and reminds him that he's not alone, and he's safe.

idk they're in love!!

I am not only fine with it, I encourage it!!! Send me so many Starbara thoughts! Brainworms forever!!

yes yes them slowly opening up to each other, being soft together!! How Steve doesn't know what he wants from the future, how Barb feels Nancy pulling away (even though it's Barb who got the shiny, new, popular boyfriend) and how she feels she did the same thing to Robin, way back when. How Barb's parents mean well but they're suffocating in their over-protectiveness and she can't even properly talk to them about what she went through. How Steve doesn't want to become his Father, and how especially doesn't want to become his mother, how he thinks he might not be doomed to it when he's with Barb.

She tells him about the Upside Down, how cold and dark it was and how scared she had been. About the nightmares where it feels like she'll never be warm or able to breathe easily again. How sometimes she can't sleep until she's called the Byers and made sure Will is alright and how sometimes she gets a call from him in the middle of the night doing the same. She tells Steve that some days, he's the only thing about her life that she feels she chose. When her parents were pleased she wasn't distracted by boys, she chose Steve; when Nancy was a bit surprised(though encouraging) at how excited Barb was for the party, she chose Steve; after everything, when the world had tipped right-side up but she was surrounded by doctors and government agents and confusion, Barb chose Steve; how she wants to keep choosing him. (Steve holds her tight, right then. Kisses her forehead as she buries her face in his neck and tells her that he's here, she's safe, it's over. Doesn't tell her quite yet that he's pretty sure she's the first person to choose to love him.)

They float in his pool, no bad memories in it, no last-seen pictures of a girl dangling her legs over the side. Just them, chatting and splashing and laughing and kissing. Feeling like the teenagers they're supposed to be. When he first suggested it she joked that he's just making excuses to see her in her swim suit, and it's a bit self deprecating, because why would he? but Steve just smirked, shrugged, obviously dragged his eyes up and down her body, and said "it worked, didn't it?"

They get looks when he pulls Cliche Boyfriend Stunts and how openly gone on her he is. @jestyzestyn on the first post pointed out that beauty standards and 80's tropes played into the original Nacy-Barb-Steve dynamic. So not only is she Poor Barbara Holland, she's also a not conventionally Pretty Girl going out with thee most desirable boy at school. There's whispers that Steve feels sorry for her--guilty, after she went missing from his house. Once, someone asked why he was with the girl who got poisoned by the gas leak, and he gave them such a scathing look that no one asked again. (the answer is, of course, that he loves her. She makes him feel safe, and loved, and that there's more to life than their dinky hometown.)

She teases that maybe since she has his junior varsity jacket, she'll have to make him a sweater one of these days. (And she knows about the Curse, how making a boyfriend a sweater will inevitably lead to a breakup. but what is the time and effort of knitting a sweater to finding out monsters exist and fighting one, on the off chance it'll help save her? probably even, she thinks.) He says she better make sure it matches his scarf.

Okay lighter side, Steve lifeguarded the summer of '84, and this is prime time for girlfriend to ogling him. But it is also prime people-who-are-not-your-gf-ogling-you-time. Barb is like Steve. those girls were flirting with you. If they wanted an actual pool noodle they would have gone to the office the first time you told them to. and he does his confused puppy head tilt going "why would they do that? everybody knows I'm dating you?" and she doesn't know if she needs to explain the concept of trying to steal someone's man and also that he's hot to him or not. She's like babe.....ok. (there was some jealousy at first but tbh after a guy has told you he loves you and told you how much his parents infidelity bothers him and also literally fought a monster to save you [she isn't letting that one go. nancy makes sense. Nancy is her best friend and is like a dog with a bone for mysteries. Jonathan also makes sense. His brother was missing too. She had been seeing Steve barely a month before everything. who DOES that? Steve. Steve does.] you kinda grow secure in your relationship)

(in the fall, after they get to the tunnels, Steve gives her an out. looking at her through his goggles. He tells her she doesn't have to go back down there, doesn't have to touch the Upside Down again, but she clenches her jaw and tells him that he's concussed and there's no way she's letting him go down alone.)

but oof. lifeguarding you can't get distracted so even tho Barb gets to ogle hot bf steve is a professional and does not get to ogle hot gf the same :( '85 is when they really get their flirt on during company time. He tries on the outfit and shows her at home and he's like "this is literally the worst day of my life. this is horrible."

and she goes "well, hon. at least it makes your butt look good?"

and Steve huffs and crosses his arms over his chest and says "my butt makes everything look good. Let's not give any credit to the sailor suit."

"okay okay."

And every time she comes in he does the "ocean of flavour" spiel and she's dying. he's soooo lame. she loves him so much. she kisses him every time about it.

Robin is a bit cold and standoffish because steve is not only the guy who never paid attention to Tammy Thompson, he's also the guy currently dating Robin's childhood best friend who sort of ditched her. It's many messy feelings inside our girl. But Barb does try to make amends with Robin, and they do rekindle their friendship (and gang up on Steve)(literally I think it'd be so funny if Steve wanted to be Robin's friend sooo bad. world's most giant squish on her. sooo embarrassing. And Brab is playfully like oooh do you have a cruuush on Robin? and steve is like absolutely not I am in love with YOU i just want Robin to live next door and also share cat custody what's not to get?)

When Dustin comes back, talking about Suzie, he looks right at Steve, starry-eyed, and says "she my Barb." hkadsjhfkashd

After the Russian base Barb spends a lot of nights in bed with two other people, shaking them out of nightmares she doesn't want to comprehend, not really knowing what to do but loving them anyways.

#starbara #hollington #steve harrington #barbara holland #barb holland #stranger things #stranger things au #findaanswers #momotonescreaming #steve x barb #i took so long to write this i watched the entirety of Titanic while trying to write it lmao #should i tag the stobin that i compulsively insert into everything? i think i will #stobin #finda writes stuff #barb making fun of the loud sigh steve lets out whenever dustin annoys him #them telepathically communicating because theyve been together long enough to just KNOW #sorry i forgot a readmore at first!!

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colorstormx · 9 months

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anyway uh. yeah this has been fucking with me more than I'd like to admit the past couple of days and I think I just need to talk about it for a bit

warning for a few things under the cut - menstruation, medical stuff, disordered eating

so. my last period started at the end of April, and didn't really stop until the end of July. technically I'm still spotting a bit but it's not the absolute bloodfest that it was earlier.

I got a gyno appointment because of said bloodfest and they ended up giving me an ultrasound and sending me in for blood work. the ultrasound showed ovarian cysts, and the blood work was normal except for high insulin. technically they tested my testosterone level too, but that result still isn't in yet. apparently it takes them forever to get it so. shrugs.

they basically diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome, although they need that testosterone result to really confirm it since I don't have a lot of the other common PCOS symptoms. my period was pretty regular up until this year and isn't usually super painful, and I don't really have extra hair in unusual spots.

my gyno pointed out the high insulin though, and said that PCOS is associated with insulin resistance and prescribed metformin. she also said that diet changes can help, and gave me a handout about it. apparently being at a higher weight can make symptoms worse.

and all of this is coming at a time when I had finally started to accept my body and feel more comfortable eating the way I want to. :')

I've had some rough experiences with body image and restrictive eating over the years, although I guess it was never technically a full-blown ED, just... really bad habits and a lot of excess guilt over everything I allowed myself to eat. and I thought I'd finally gotten past that, but seeing this handout just feels like it validates every harsh thought, every bit of guilt I ever felt about eating stuff that wasn't like. raw vegetables and bland chicken.

and I know that it's not actually advocating for anything super extreme, just moderation, but there's an obsessive streak in me that makes everything feel way more black and white than it actually is. like if I don't follow the stupid "sample diet" listed there I'm gonna get a bad grade in PCOS management. god it's so stupid but at the same time my mental state has just absolutely tanked over this, I'm overanalyzing everything and super self conscious of my body again and I'm just so tired of everything about it

I miss the blissful ignorance, I guess.

everything is just still new and weird to me right now. it's gonna take a while to process everything and I know I'll be fine in the end, I just hate having to get there.

anyway at least we're moving apartments in less than 2 months now. I can't wait to get out of this shithole. god I swear I'm gonna make an official commissions post bc it would really be nice to have some extra funds on hand for the move, and my hours at work are already starting to dip as summer ends. augh. anyway if you want me to draw something just ask and we can figure things out <3

so uh. yeah. good job on reading this far if you made it. I'm... horrible at reaching out to specific people to talk about stuff like this, so having it all out there in a semi public environment for people to reply to if they happen to see it is? a little less stress inducing, I guess. I just hate feeling like I'm bothering people with stuff. that all being said... please at least like this post if you read it all the way through? replies would be nice too, I just. want to be heard I guess.

#I talked about this in a discord server a little bit but needed to ramble more. it's mostly saying the same things tho #I just need time to process I guess #and this is coming on the heels of several other family medical problems #so everything is just exacerbating everything else #augh. gonna draw some furries and try to ignore everything #also. after going through the pcos tag: if you're a te/rf or ra/dfem fuck the hell off. I don't want y'all anywhere near me #some of those posts were absolutely vile #anyway. idk who all will see this since it's like 2:30 in the morning but here it is #the snowjag speaks

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manonblaqkbeak · 3 years

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Dating and Goodreads

Back for Day 8-Blind date (how the hell do u guys come up with good title fics i struggle so bad lol). I wasn’t really going anywhere with this one, but when i read all of the others and saw how fun the fics were, i decided to finish this one.

also for Summertime and Fresh Strawberries, I deliberately left it blank but I can’t hold onto the secret bc two people were curious as to what happened, so i’ll let the rest of you know that aelin and rowan decided to keep summer and be a cute little family, bc im a sucker for happy endings lol (unless its angst, it’s safe to assume that all my rowaelin fics have happy endings bc they’ve all ready been thru so much and even in alt fics i need them to be happy lmao)

anyway, on to the next one. hope you enjoy!

1.8k words

cw: none

Aelin was a confident woman, something that she was proud of. But that didn't mean that there weren't times she didn't feel self-conscious or awkward and full of doubt.

Because right now, all those negative feelings were swimming inside of her.

And those feelings were just magnified today, especially since she had gotten fired only a few hours beforehand. It was utterly unexpected, she had never received any prior warnings, and while she was a fighter, Aelin didn't feel like stepping into the ring for this one. Not when her boss was a demon from hell that made life unbearable and she had to physically push herself into entering the work building.

Aelin told herself that it was for the best. She was miserable there and hated working in an office typing up the worlds most boring reports and working in a space that was entirely too drab.

But she wasn't looking forward to job hunting. Aelin was aware that she could ask her friends for favours, but if Aelin did something wrong, she didn't want it reflected back onto whoever helped her.

And she was still a little peeved over the damned argument she had online again with that haughty prick on Goodreads. Aelin wasn't sure why those arguments kept going, but each time she would post a review, White Tailed Hawk would respond, telling her that she read the book wrong and this and that and blah blah blah.

Aelin repaid the favour each time, telling him how he was wrong and he had no reading comprehension skills. And on and on it went until Aelin or whoever the fuck that guy was went back to their own lives.

Depressingly, it was the most fun she had some days.

Shaking her head, Aelin forced herself to think of the now and not of her shitty day. Still she sighed, not quite believing that she had agreed to this blind date. Couldn't believe that she had let Aedion convince her it was a good idea.

Aelin had said no at first, after Aedion had voiced his offer, and her cousin left it at that. But days went past, and he would bring up the topic of Rowan, about the things he had said that day, how his dry sense of humour took some time to get used to but once you figured it out, he was actually pretty funny, how he had finished a project perfectly and this and that.

But it got to her, annoyingly. So the other day when he was helping her out with some housework that was a two person job, Aelin told him to set up this date. Aedion cheered as if it was the best thing he had ever heard, telling her how she and Rowan were the perfect match for each other.

Aelin rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything of the assessment.

She had only agreed because it was getting frustrating being asked at every family event if she was dating someone, when she was going to give her parents grandchildren (that question pissed her off the most, as if Aelin was nothing but a birthing machine and that was all Aelin could contribute to society), and who was going to look after her when she was old if she didn't have children (because apparently carers didn't exist).

Aelin was also lonely—she could entertain herself just fine, but she did like the idea of coming home and talking to someone that could respond. She loved Fleetfoot and her enthusiasm when Aelin came home, but human companionship would be nice.

But Aelin didn't have high-hopes for this date because the universe liked to kick Aelin's ass from time to time, she suspected that they were going to hate each other.

Taking a deep breath, Aelin got out of her car, smoothed down her romper and went inside the restaurant, head held high.

X X X X X X

Rowan couldn't believe that he was about to go on a blind date. That Aedion had convinced him to go out with his younger cousin. He hadn't dated anyone since Lyria and he knew that his dating skills were going to be rusty as hell. He had been with Lyria since they were nineteen, married at 23 and divorced at 31; he had been single for the last two years.

It had been...fine, a little strange, after being with someone for so long to find himself a bachelor. Rowan never thought that he would apart from Lyria, but their relationship had just faded. Long before the divorce, it had been more like a housemate relationship than a marriage. He wasn't surprised when his ex-wife had come home after work with divorce papers. He had only stared at the paperwork for an hour before he signed the forms. Truthfully, Rowan was just glad that he was still on good terms with Lyria, that they could still talk to one another from time to time.

Rowan had almost called her earlier today, to ask how the hell dates went, but felt that it would have been crossing some invisible line, so he didn't call and instead had Googled the questions instead.

They didn't really help.

Rowan drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, telling himself that if things went wrong, then it wasn't the end of the world. That if he had to be a bachelor for the rest of his life, then that was fine. He had plenty of ways of keeping himself busy—he had a good career, a nice house, plenty of books to read and to argue online about them with.

He had one earlier today, actually, with Queen of Wildfire about a new release that Rowan had eagerly read within days of its release. And once again, he ended up with an argument with the woman about the messages and themes within the book.

It was stupid, he knew, to be at his age and to be fighting online with a stranger, but something about this woman just had his fingers flying over the keyboard.

Some days he looked forward to it, as embarrassing as that was to admit. He didn't really want to look into himself to figure out what it all meant.

Eyes drifting to the dashboard, Rowan realised that his date was about to start. Popping a mint into his mouth and smoothing out his clothes, Rowan took a deep breath and left the car and went to his first date in twelve years.

Hopefully, it wouldn't be too bad.

X X X X X X

The date had started out a little awkward, but that wasn't a surprise to Aelin, because what blind date started smoothly?

It picked up after Rowan admitted that he was divorced and that he had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do. Aelin appreciated that stark honesty and admitted that she too had no idea what to do.

Since then, the conversation went well, the food was good and Aelin had even swiped a few bites of his dinner because it just looked so much better than hers. Rowan had playfully grumbled underneath his breath, but smiled as he said it.

It was going really well. Maybe the universe had decided to give her a break for the rest of this evening. There was a part of her that maybe wondered if they would have sex, because the man did look fucking fantastic, but at the same time, she didn't want to rush anything in case this actually turned into something more.

“What's the dumbest thing that you've done recently or in the past?” Aelin asked. There was no such thing as small talk between them—Aelin had all ready asked if he believed in aliens and was glad when he said yes, because “it's ridiculous to think that we're alone in this wide universe of ours. It makes sense that there'd be other lifeforms out there.” Which was pretty damned close to Aelin's reasoning as well, so asking him about stupid moments felt like nothing in comparison.

Rowan smirked at the question and took a moment to think before answering. “I engage in online arguments.”

“Really? About what, exactly?”

“It's stupid. But my all my arguments occur on Goodreads of all places. Not Facebook, or YouTube, or Twitter, but Goodreads. It's never anything insulting but just arguments about how wrong some people's in depth reviews are.”

“Fair enough,” Aelin said, “I've been known to do the same thing as you. There's this one user on there, White Tailed Hawk—a stupid name if you ask me—and he just never...” Aelin stopped when she noticed that he stopped eating and was just looking at her weirdly. “Rowan? Are you okay?”

“Do you, by any chance, go under the name of Queen of Wildfire?”

Aelin blinked, and then blinked again, and once the pieces fell into place, she knew right then and there that the universe really hated her. She let out a harsh laugh, the sound echoing throughout the space. Aelin wasn't really sure what to say, because it was true what he said; it had never been insulting, but ending up on a date with the man she had regularly arguments with was just...she had no words, other then, “It really is a stupid name.” She took a sip of her wine, needing to do something other than wanting to bang her head against the table.

“I couldn't think of anything else to write.” And it wasn't also his favourite animal, he had told her that earlier.

They lapsed back into the awkward silence of earlier, both picking at their food.

But Aelin didn't want this night to go to waste. “It'd be stupid to let something as small as this get in the way of whatever this could be,” Aelin said, deciding to be blunt.

Rowan nodded. “It would be. Although I have to be honest, you really have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to Call of the Wild Winds.”

Aelin just about stormed off when she noticed his playful smile, his eyes sparkling bright. Laughing, Aelin threw a bread-roll at his handsome face, and once he caught it and split it in half for them to share, they went back to their earlier conversation.

And when Rowan walked her to her apartment door and kissed her on the cheek goodnight with a promise to text her later, Aelin couldn't help herself by telling him that all his opinions sucked and that he had no idea what he was talking about—all with a big smile on her face as Rowan sputtered as she closed the door on his face.

They spent the rest of the night texting, and all of Aelin's earlier woes faded away. And she looked forward to tomorrow, despite the horror of job hunting. Maybe the universe will finally let things turn around for the better for her.

Aelin went to sleep with a smile on her face, all because of White Tailed Hawk.

And on the other side of the city, Rowan also fell asleep with a smile on his face.

#rowaelin #rowaelin fanfiction #rowaelinmonth #my work

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honey-harper-official · 3 years

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Hey umm so in light of NEVER having scene or read about a character with eczema (or skin problems at all for that matter) I'm going to go over how to write and draw eczema without being rude and making people self conscious about it.

Some general stuff:

This shit is PAINFUL! Like EXTREMELY PAINFUL sometimes

It may look red and swollen

It may look very dry and flaky

On darker skinned people it's not always going to look bright red. It's going to be patches of darker skin with more red undertones

It may look very rough skin and slab covered.

It can cause immense fatigue

It can make mobility hard

It may look bad but feel like nothing

It may look fine but feel painful

We can't stop itching. It's literally painful to not itch. It makes my thrash around if I can't itch

I have spent night being exhausted but unable to sleep bc of eczema and how painful it is

A flare up is caused by literally anything and often times we don't know the cause

It's usually on the back of the knees or the insides of the arms but can appear anywhere. Other popular spots invlude the neck, face, hands, and wrists

It causes hyper pigmentation but it's mostly notice in the summer or after summer since you're tan and the patch goes away, leaving untanned skin and the place where the patch was drained of a bit of color anyways

Nearly everyone who's had it has it on the inside of their arms and has had it there forever. I have hyper pigmentation there however it's in a patchy way. A lot of people have paler inside arms but mine isn't a smooth transition of color.

Hyper pigmentation does happen and it's not always permeant. It can just last until the summer tan is gone or it can take literal months to even years to fade which is what's happening to my arms at the moment

It will come in patches at random places at random times though usually stays forever on places like the inside of arms and legs

If it's on the inside of one arm then it's going to show up on the inside of the other arm. Same goes for the back of the knees however there might be one side that's typically worse then the other. It can switch back and forth but unless you're on medication one side will be noticslly worse then the other though both will not be looking good

It can stay one place for a few years and go away but then show up in a new place and stay there for years.

Medication and shots are a thing that we use

Steroid creams and prescription lotion are also things we use

No one is using scented bath and body works lotion. Scented stuff irritates it and makes it burn. Take your Bath and Body Works and leave.

I'm not just going to pick up any lotion or cream at the store either. I'm doing careful research on what will work best, finding what works best for me, and sticking with it

A lot of things will make it burn such as lotions, perfumes, and even water

A lot of people wear jackets and hoddies to cover it up

I also wear a special hoodie for flare ups bc the material feels nicest and I don't want to ruin my other clothes with all the lotions and stuff

Certain materials are itchy and irritating. (Looking at you wool I hate your guts) while others are soothing and comfortable (cotton and silk and bamboo fabric are life savors)

Random and obscure allergies that cause it to flare up

When a patch clears up and goes from rough to soft I will continue to touch it bc I'm excited and I forgot what it feels like to have my skin like that. I once had it on my eyelids and cheeks and once it cleared up I cried and wouldn't stop touching my face bc it didn't hurt to make facial expressions and it felt so nice to have my skin back

Speaking of which it can and will show up on your eyelids and make them swell up

It can get into your brows and you'll lose hair in your brows bc of it

I don't know one person with eczema who hasn't felt self conscious about it or try to hide it even if it's nothing to be ashamed for

Doctors will take one look at people with eczema (especially those who aren't skinny white boys) and pass it off as a rash. Dermatologists do this and actually allergists have been more helpful with clearing up my skin in my personal experience

You will get super greasy hair from all the lotion. If it's on the neck or face your hair will catch in the lotion and make it greasy. It doesn't help that it can be painful to shower and stuff with eczema

Baths >>>> showers. Especially since there's a lot of stuff people will soak in to help. Salt baths and bleach baths are a thing to help kill bacteria and things like putting in mint leaves and that sort of stuff help cool and soothe it

Ironically most of the lotions I've been given I ended up being allergic to. This is something some other people I know experienced. Lavender is supposed to help but it just makes things worse for a lot of people I know ironically believe it or not

Also it's an AUTO IMMUNE DISEASE! It's going to weaken the immune system and make it easier to get sick. The real kicker is when you get sick you get more prone to infections and your skin will get infected and it's a downward and very painful spiral

Writing:

Have your character have a flare up. Have their skin go from fine to red and itchy and dry and maybe a little bloody

Scabs. We've got them. I have scars from scratching at scabs from eczema bc they're itchy. Your character most likely will too and probably did so as a child as well bc it's a scab vs a kid

Have them go to bed early bc theyre tired

It makes sense for them to go to doctors appointments specifically for their eczema and to have it done often. Look into things like having your characters go to get shots often or doing light therapy

Have them feel under the weather bc of it. Make them take a benadryl and clock out in a blanket with a material they like

Silk pillowcases are great for skin. So are bamboo materials. I know a lot of people who've invested in these including myself to make sleeping and drying off more comfortable. Chances are your character and their family have invested in them too and a lot of household materials will be like that or they will have their own special towels and bed sheets that need to be washed separately from everyone else and need to be washed at the right time so your character has towels and bed sheets

Give them allergies. They're probably allergic to something that causes it and usually it's some chemical like fragrance jn perfume or over processed foods too. A lot cleaning supplies make me flare up and dust is a big one too. Lavender and chamomile are ones which is very ironic based on how people tell us to use those to help

Coconut oil and stuff like she's butter. I guarantee you that your character has or will use it at some point to help with eczema. They're honestly life savers

Have them keep a jacket and some prescribed lotion with them. At night have them put on a bunch of different lotions and skin care stuff and probably even gloves or socks over their hands to help lock in moisture. However they will also probably rub these things against their skin to scratch

Write a character with clear looking skin but hyper pigmentation and taking shots to keep a flare up at bay. Dupixent is a shot a lot of people are using and it works wonders

Gloves when sleeping. Put on lotion and then gloves and have them go to bed and then be frustrated when they can't swipe on their phone.

It's okay to have them feel gross about it just don't make it happen often. After I put on all my lotions I feel super greasy and gross because of it

Have other characters hype them up despite their eczema. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't make us ugly. Stop acting like non perfect skin is a terrible thing. When I'm down or upset about it my friends will hype me up about it

However while I can go out without hiding my eczema and still feel good about it that doesn't mean that myself or any character you're writing with it won't wish that their skin wasn't clear. More so bc it hurts and is uncomfortable then anything.

Clothes made from cotton and silk and that stuff are good for every day clothes but also fancy stuff if need be

Speaking of clothes do not put them in a wool sweater that shit sucks and so do a lot of mixed fibers. There's special clothes that are made without seams or with special materials for people who have textural issues and I have gotten stuff from those places. Always keep a few long sleeves in my closet for my worst days and have a long sleeve from my favorite brand in nearly every color and pattern. Your character will probably do the same the second they find a piece of clothing that feels good on their skin. However eventually all the lotions will make the insides knit and the clothing will be stained darker if you use them for flare ups after putting in lotion

My mom has come home and dropped a pile of new shirts on my bed because they were from the brand that makes clothes that are safe for my skin and she got them in every color or style. Your character will have parents that will do the same. I don't know if it's a universal eczema experience but if your character has parents who are really concerned about it and arw very involved and caring then it makes sense for something like that to happen

Designated flare up shirts are a thing. I will put it on and wear it to bed or to school or anywhere

Give them a designated flare up shirt that they where for a while in a flare up. However also give them a hoodie they like bc trust me they're gonna wear a specific hoodie when there's a flare up

If you're going to have a random character point it out or ask questions, it's completely logical for your character to be annoyed about it. I know other people are just curious but when a bunch of people bombard you for something you would obviously know is there it's very tiring

Have them change clothes when they get home. It helps and I do it and so do other people. Don't want to being things from the outside into the household.

They aren't going to put on perfume for a fancy evening and chances are their friends won't either because that stuff irritates it so much even if we aren't the ones wearing it

It's okay to say that the skin was red and patchy. It's okay to say it cleared up

Don't say that the character looks like they have spots or scales or looks like a tomato or stuff like that. It's really rude and the amount of times I've been made fun of and told I have lizard skin is horrifying

It can look anything from a little bit of red and pink to being full on scabs and blood and puss all over ones arm or body part.

Let them itch and then have someone tell them stop itching. It's annoying but realistic. Points if your character immediately stops but tries to find some way to still itch or glares at the other person or says some remark back. Their parents are going to be the number one people to tell them to stop itching

Eczema is uncomfortable. Have them be uncomfortable sometimes because of it

You don't have to make the whole story about it but include little things like them itching or before bed putting on a bunch of lotion. Have them have a favorite outfit bc it feels best on their skin

Use words like: red, patchy, dry, burning, itchy, stiff, and swollen

Avoid things like: spots (for hyper pigmentation), any animal like description, comparison jokes to things like "oh they're as red as that sweater". Stop comparing our skin to objects and animals. It's not funny. This may be a personal thing but it's a huge let peeve if mine and one of the reasons I've always been self conscious about it

Please don't have people make rude comments about it or have random people ask a lot of questions I'm seriously begging you. If you do at least have then give some sort of come back or have the other character asking questions approach it in a more polite and sympathetic way. It's so annoying how many times people will walk up to me and point at my eczema and go "what happened to you?" Or even worse there have been people who think they're going to catch some disease from me. I've dropped my pencil and the person by it kicked it over to me instead of handing it to me bc they took one look at my skin and made a disgusted face. So as realistic as it is so have those things I'm really fucking annoyed by those types of comments and don't want them in my books unless there's a good comeback please and thank you

People are very mean about it and it's the source for the self consciousness so do your best to avoid that bc while I get the person saying it is going to be framed as mean or rude it's still :/

Drawing:

put down your base skin tone

Pick a red tone off of the base

Pick a lighter tone of of the base

Do the same with your shadow and highlight colors

Now you have your skin tone color palette

Draw on white patches and red patches to the proper base tones you used

Don't blend them out. They're distinctive

Just put them on the inside of arms or on fingers and face and neck and legs and wrists at random in blots of all shapes and sizes

Don't draw it as a pattern

Don't use a splatter brush

Feel free to draw on scabs and dark spots here and there

You don't need to draw it like scales or show how dry and flaky it can be if you're a really realistic or more detailed with your art style

Use references

Boom. Done.

It's literally just dry and red skin. We've all had that before. The only difference is it's wide spread. If you can draw skin then you can draw eczema on it

It's not hard.

As always do research! Ask questions! Just be nice and have fun with it! Eczema isn't a big deal but I can't tell you how much it would mean to me to see a character with eczema!

#writing resource #writing reference #eczema #writing eczema #drawing #drawing resource #drawing eczema

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queenlokibeth · 4 years

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I know this has been an awful year overall but i've got to say that being by me myself and i alone with my thoughts for 6 months or so... was actually a positive thing.

At one point i of course felt my mental health absolutely decline. Regardless of the cocktail of mental issues that i've had for as long as I can remember, I'd never experienced more than one or two symptoms of depression, but halfway through the summer, I did plenty more. I can only describe what happened there for a bit as a bout of depression. And no, it wasn't that I was "sad", it was that suddenly time wasn't real and i'd go an entire day having gone to the bathroom and eaten once and literally nothing else (not exaggerating, i'd sit down on the couch and suddenlt it was night time and i genuinely did nothing).

It was awful, and not at all what I needed in my life OBVIOUSLY. I was already on a petty roll of making my mental health my bitch, starting with my anxiety. I added this to the list. I don't know HOW because I don't have a recipe for this, but through a mixture of forcefully trying to get my shit together (not a linear process ehem) by sleeping right, eating right, trying to go into the sun a bit (no this wasn't a movie montage in which everything was fine it would take me 5 days to finally manage to go into the street and it took me a month since making this active choice to will myself to do laundry and i only managed to start getting dressed out of my pjs daily in the last week of summer holidays) and there was a whole lot of introspection and just really pulling myself apart and analysing WHY this was happening (as in 'what unresolved trauma' or 'what behaviours has my brain ingrained in itself' or 'why is xyz triggering' or 'what is the purpose of xyz behaviour') but i FINALLY got my shit together/fixed things.

I had really focused on my anxiety, it was so bad and the changes brought on by the pandemic made it worse. But i had time. I had MONTHS. First time in my life that i could actually focus on fixing my anxiety. Then somehow i brought my relationship with food into this, self esteem issues, this deppressive episode, but I sort of pushed what i'd been suspecting to be ADD for a couple years to the back burner bc i just didn't know how to deal with that. And somehow. At last. I'm okay.

Of course i'm not perfect and there are things that i still need to work on, but i've just started school and for the first time in YEARS, literally since i was a child, a toddler maybe, i'm fine.

My anxiety is 80% better (i've been able to do new things with only a little bit of second guessing and my conscious decision wins over the irrational anxiety, i've been able to make PHONECALLS!!! As recently as 5 months ago i had a meltdown over having to make a phonecall and now i'm fine!!!), i have... the most normal relationship with food EVER since i was 13, i somewhat fixed my sleeping schedule (work in progress), no depressive emptiness/lack of "energy" (ik energy isnt the right word there but idk how to describe it it's like the will to exist), and even this weird ADD situation that had plagued me for the past two years is GONE.

I'm on top of my assignments, I haven't procrastinated, i've finished them at a reasonable time of night, i'm able to go over content before class I CANNOT RECOGNISE MYSELF OKAY IM THE CLOSEST TO A FUNCTIONING NEUROTYPICAL PERSON IVE EVER BEEN (still like a continent away but this still works and i know im never GOING to be neurotypical but it's nice to NOT BE A HOSTAGE OF MY MESSY BRAIN)

Anyways that's the story of how I used lockdown to make my brain my bitch and somehow succeeded.

#guys i think this is what thriving feels like #gpoy #mine #it's the first time since i was a kid that i WANT to be alive and exist #for the longest time it was just 'yup im here and thats fine and im just vibing but im also not really feeling it'#wild

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scullyeffect · 4 years

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i love reading your posts about being a nanny, its something i like the idea of but i dont think id ever be able to do it

it definitely takes a certain type of person i think, but you can also learn with experience. i have friends who suddenly become very ~aware of themselves~ when talking with a kid. like making sarcastic jokes or something and it’s like um...be yourself?? nobody likes being talked to in a patronising tone, or spoken to like a well behaved dog. but seriously, just be yourself. they already think you’re cool af for not being mom lol. and most kids don’t judge. the amount of times i’ve been self conscious about my appearance at work? zero. the amount of times i’ve been scared my boss will catch me on my phone? zero. the amount of times i’ve plucked a wedgie with confidence? every day. i’d been babysitting kids for like 8 years (including one 5 y/o girl who got dropped off at my house at 8 every morning and was picked up at 6pm five days a week for the entire summer when i was 16...wow) before i became an au pair, but i know people who wing it and are completely fine.

i think the real key to it being a job you can enjoy or be “good” at is patience. because at the end of the day you’re not the parent. it’s not fully up to you to discipline the kids. you get to go home at the end of the day. sometimes you have to bring problems up with the parents to deal with because you’re unsure about their protocol (the kids i take care of aren’t allowed to watch tv or use electronics, so when i showed them a trailer for a movie 6 was like ooooh i’m gonna tell mom!! and i was like fuck). one time 6 peed during a 5 floor elevator ride and i had to reassure her that it was okay, then spend ten minutes wiping up the mess with paper towels hoping to hell no one would need the elevator. luckily that sent her right into the shower so there was no war. like i could have lost my temper and been like WHY DIDN”T YOU JUST HOLD IT. YOU CLEAN IT UP. because she had been holding it for like 30 minutes and she’s 6. i learned from this and whenever one of them says they need to go i’m like WHO WANTS A PASTRY REAL QUICK LET’S GO SPEND 5 EUROS TO PEE.

but at the same time you end up being a really important factor in a child’s life. sometimes they’ll ask you questions they feel like they can’t ask their parents: the 15 y/o teenager i lived with for two years came into my room in tears saying she couldn’t figure out how to use a tampon and she didn’t want to ask her mom, the 9 year old got “the talk” from her mom but admitted to me that she didn’t understand and could she ask me some questions. you’re the one (in my case), who’s making sure they’re clean and have eaten and brushed their teeth before the parents come home. you’re the one helping with homework (and it’s really amazing to be able to be the one teaching a kid how to read at home. i’ve gotten to do this twice and it’s so exciting when they start wanting to read some of their bedtime story instead of letting you do it). at the end of the day it’s a really humbling job.

but patience and understanding is really key, also confidence. sometimes babysitters are the good guy, and you can get away with anything because mom and dad are out for the night. i think that’s normal and fun. but when you’re with the kids every day you don’t get to just be the good guy, or they won’t learn anything. and that’s hard!! because again, you don’t have the full parental authority.

the absolute ABSOLUTE most important thing, which can either be the easiest or most difficult, is getting a solid routine going. especially with younger kids, but it’s good for all ages. once you have the routine set up you’re good for life. obviously sometimes you’ve gotta roll with a doctor’s appointment, or in my case the occasional public transport strike (”who wants to walk a mile today ladies!!!”) it’s especially nice when the kids unconsciously pick up on it and will sometimes prompt you like “how much time do we have to play until bath time?”, or “today is wednesday, so we’re going to the park, but can we go to this one instead of that one?”. so like with the kids i take of now the afternoon routine (except wednesday, which is different) is:

4:30pm: pick up from school, snack while we’re taking the metro back (bc otherwise they get antsy, they haven’t eaten since 11:30)

5:00-5:30pm: homework

5:30-6:30pm: play/read

6:30-7:00pm: one of them takes a bath/shower while i make dinner, the other one sets the table and helps with dinner, or she can read/play

7:00-whenever dinner is finished (normally 7:45pm)

7:45-8ish: second one takes a bath/shower while the other helps clear the table, then she can read/play, after that they both brush their teeth

8:00-9:00 the older one reads while i read to the younger one, or they’ll both listen to me read

also keep in mind this is france where eating late is normal, bedtime is probably later than the US (when i think about putting kids to bed at 7:30 in the US i feel like it’s the afternoon)

idk if you remember, but in september when i started taking care of 6 and 9 i was absolutely miserable. their parents had separated literally weeks before i arrived so the emotional dynamic was chaotic as hell, both apartments were in boxes, they were sleeping over at their grandparents’ house most nights, and here was this new girl they were supposed to trust. i met the girls for about 10 minutes in june when i had an interview, but the next time i saw them was the first day i picked them up from school. they still stress me out way more than the girls i lived with for two years (who were older, but overall just more well behaved), but i love them a lot. for the first two months i seriously thought i’d quit. i was so stressed out every day and felt like i was getting no support from the parents when i brought up problems i was having with their kids. now i really love them and i think they dig me too.

so i think if you want to do it maybe try to get more experience babysitting and trying to get a steady babysitting job! i remember i would babysit the same toddler pretty often and i always had a loose routine with her so that when i came over she knew what to expect and i didn’t feel so harried at age 17. if you’re looking to be an au pair though, especially in a foreign country, you’ve gotta be picky as hell. i learned that from experience. if you don’t think you can handle a baby but you want to live in paris, you’ve gotta put your job before the location. if you do better taking care of boys (i do way better with girls. they’re so awful to each other if they have a sister, but the chaotic physical energy boys seem to have does not agree with me. they’re like dogs i’m like “time to play frisbee i need to wear you out”) look for a family with boys unless you think you can adapt. if you’re fine with both, go for it. if you want to learn/improve a foreign language, try to find a family that’s cool with you speaking their native language. people looking for anglophone nannies often have a 100% english policy. when i plugged in all my search criteria in 2016 i think i found five families total who fit the specifications. and then in addition to that i skyped all of them so i could try and sense if a Vibe was there.

i’m sorry this is so long but i don’t have any au pair friends who kind of like...were there for the job as well as the city...so i never got to gab childcare. ask me all the questions.

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wannawrite · 7 years

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Taiwan’s Treasure

• who?: Wanna One's Lai Guanlin • genre: 🌸 • type: bullet point

• flower boy! AU

• there’s this really cute Taiwanese flower boy who keeps changing his flower crown every few days

the 'our two lips' flower boys LDH PJH PWJ KJH IYM blog navigator. second last instalment for this month and I hope you guys enjoyed this series!! Thank you!! also, trying to gender neutralise my works a bit more but i'm sorry if i make mistakes!! - Admin L

• you have lived in the same neighbourhood for as long as you could remember so you recognise everyone • when a moving truck stops to the empty house next to your own - the previous neighbours immigrated - you're mildly excited for new people • since all your neighbours are nice senior couples and good-hearted grandmothers who feed you and your brother really often bc you two are the only teenagers in this place • your brother is still a young child must protect • anyway, you have school the day they're moving in and you don't get a chance to spy them out

• your chauffeur - Jisung, who is pretty much an annoying older brother to you but you love him - comes to pick you and your brother from school • just as your car approaches, you spy a young woman getting out of the car, beaming • she's very well-dressed #lairich and pretty • there seems to be someone else still sitting in the car they arrived in but you can't exactly make out who it is • your car is parked in the driveway and the gates are closing before you know it • "wow, it's interesting to have new neighbours again...." your younger brother pipes up • agreed • you don't see your neighbours for a good two days • until one day, you're walking back from school by yourself • since your brother got sick during school hours and was rushed to the hospital where your dad was • you hear sounds of a basketball even through your loud music • it must be your new neighbour • the house seems deserted and even the cars are out • might as well go and introduce myself • there's a teenage boy playing basketball by himself in a big ass driveway, his main gate is ajar so you slip in • "hello!" • he is stunned and nearly drops the basketball, he fumbles to collect it for a while • you take that time to observe him • d a m n • a visual • "um...hi" he replies shyly before clearing his throat, "Sorry, my Korean isn't good." • uh no way you genuinely thought he was a native speaker from those words • but since you're nice you try to speak simple, basic words • "oh! welcome to the neighbourhood! where are you from? my name is Y/N, I live next door." then you blush because you realise you just bombarded him with a ton of words • "i'm sorry!" you apologise, blushing • he laughs it off, "i-it's fine. i'm from Taiwan and m-my name is Guanlin" • perks of attending C9 International Academy, you know a tad bit of Chinese and you manage to communicate with him a little • unfortunately, that's the only time you have a proper conversation with him • the rest of the time, you're leaving for school just as he wakes up and you come back while he's still at Cube International Private • guanrich • you see him venturing out early in the mornings when you are doing your morning stretches • secretly, you're spying on him from his room window • two of you never get a chance to talk • the time his family invited yours over for dinner, you had prefect camp in school and had to miss out • your friends wouldn't stop joking about your bummed out face for the entire two days • "ahh, Y/N is mad because she missed out on the chance to meet a rich, handsome, foreign cutie!" • "don't joke so much Cheng Xiao, here, a lot of the students are rich, pretty and foreign too" • your best friend clicked her tongue while smirking, "oh, he's different" • it's safe to say that camp was the least enjoyable • to make matters worse, all your brother did was rave about 'Guanlin ge' • confused, you asked him why he didn't call Guanlin 'hyung' • "he told me we're close enough to call him brother in his mother language!" • ge, 哥, is older brother in Chinese • apparently, Guanlin played basketball with him late into the night and even managed to convince your strict parents to allow him to stay up late • they both played into the night under the watchful eye of Jisung who wasn't sure if he was a chauffeur or your servant • he loved you guys like siblings though • ANYWAY • Guanlin seemed to be running off early in the mornings as soon as the summer started and you weren't sure why • in the evenings, he came home looking flustered and exhausted • you found out the reason for his weird schedule a few days later • when your friends invited you to head out cafe hopping • the first stop: our two lips • an aegyo a day keeps the doctor away • but if it's too much you might need to see the doctor • Park Jihoon needs a surgeon ASAP • but another reason you decided to go there is because your cousin, Bae Jinyoung got hired to be a flower boy and you want to collect pictorial evidence of him to make memes out of and embarrass the hell out of him at the next family gathering • you're texting your friends and Xiyeon and Cheng Xiao tell you they're going to be late and for you to go ahead • shock is written all over your face when a familiar, handsome neighbour greets you • "y/n...." your name tumbles from his velvety lips in a raspy tone, as if he can't believe you're standing there either • your mouth forms a small 'o' and you two are standing there just gazing at each other for a while • he is mesmerising • Guanlin clears his throat and awkwardly offers to show you to a table • god that was so rude of me • you fiddle with your Kate Spade cross body along the way, feeling mildly self-conscious • he's so nervous he messes up his Korean and has to repeat his sentence three times • he has gotten a lot better though! • you feel super proud • "your skill is improving! that's good! you must have worked hard, what a genius!" you praised, awed by his smartness • Guanlin smiles bashfully as his face grows hot. he rubs the back of his neck in shame. "Ahh, no. I didn't even sign up for this job willingly. Seonho tricked me into thinking it was a cupcake eating competition" • you burst out laughing until your stomach hurt from all the giggles • "aww! next time, you can ask me if you need help with anything." • he nodded and dutifully took your order before whizzing off • Guanlin is the one who works hard but also plays hard while on the job. he is also the kind who brightens his hyung's bad days and sometimes falls victim to their pranks • the next time Guanlin visits your table to drop off your tea, you notice his flower crown is different from the rest of the boys • again, his face goes red and you nearly squeal at how adorable he looks • "ohh, these are plum blossoms, the national flowers of Taiwan. Uh, my mum felt like being extra and I guess my aunt almost went overboard," he said, revealing the whole story • you beamed, adoring the cute story. "it's unique and cute, just like you!" you blurted out • "whoops! sorry, I didn't mean too!" • Lin Lin goes even redder and clamps his mouth shut • instead, he plucks his own flower crown off and settles it on your head before smiling and walking off • FREAKING OUT • you can't remember what it felt like to have a normally paced heartbeat anymore • brhidhsksjdn • his flower crown is definitely the prettiest and it's made out of real flowers! • damn someone give his aunt a raise pls • Cheng Xiao and Xiyeon waltz in • they were secretly watching the exchange between you and your crush from across the road through the lens of binoculars • how supportive • Xiyeon can't stop smirking at your blushing cheeks • "hey, stop that," you whine, covering your face • when Cheng Xiao's latte arrives, her latte art is a super cute writing of sheep [ go support Yixing ] in Korean • with a bit of listening in to the fellow flower boys, it's Guanlin's way of revising his Korean writing • it's the cutest latte art you've seen • also, it reflects his hard-working personality and willingness to learn • "oooh, I really wonder whose flower crown this is...." Xiyeon muses, sipping her tea • your blush worsens and you slump in silence, almost in defeat • "okay, okay. I like him? So what?" you burst out, but only loud enough for your friends to hear • at least you thought so.... • across the room, a particular Taiwanese boy is struggling to keep his cool • Y/N likes someone else, just accept that! • it's probably that Bae Jinyoung • you don't know but Guanlin has a crush on you • ever since you introduced yourself whilst he was playing basketball • he saw you a couple times at friendly basketball matches against C9 • you were always hanging around the captain of your team, Bae Jinyoung so Guanlin assumed he was your boyfriend • but Baejin is your COUSIN • pls don't date your cousins guys it's illegal • his mood is definitely dampened after he hears your confession, his heart has sunk to the bottom of the ocean • of course not, why would Y/N like a foreigner? We can't even communicate properly! • Guanlin was trying his best to be attentive in Korean class so that he could hold a proper conversation with you someday • the G in Guanlin is for genius • much to your dismay, Guanlin didn't try to talk to you anymore but you figured he just got shy around your friends • he has no reason to be shy around his neighbour • 'Neighbour' is all I would ever be...... • eventually, you leave but not without returning his special flower crown, fixing it securely on his head and complimenting it once more, which causes him to blush furiously • sigh...that's the last glance of flower boy Guanlin you get • until....... • a couple of days later, you're exiting your gate, out on your mid-morning run when Guanlin's mother calls your name from her front door • you greet her with a huge smile, winning her heart over completely • Gosh, I hope Guanlin stops crying over Y/N and talks to them instead, they're so sweet • "Y/N darling, if it isn't too much trouble, could you drop by Guanlin's work and give this to him on my behalf? You are a sweetheart." • you can't exactly say no to your nice neighbour future mother-in-law • Mrs Lai feeds you and your brother all the time ??? She sends Taiwanese snacks all the time and your heart just melts • especially when she mentions her children helped her to make them • baking with Guanlin • NEXT • so, tentatively, you find yourself stepping into the cafe again. clad in your workout attire and all • Nike sponsored your outfit so you look chic and hot asf • 😍😍😍 • Guanlin when he saw you ^ • then he remembers Baejin and he's like 'oh' then sighs, 'i can't flirt with someone who is taken. that is just rude' • he watches from behind the counter as you talk to Ong Seongwoo, casually admiring how pretty you look • like literally, who can look that good after exercising? your skin is glowing, your eyes are happy, there's some sort of sun-kissed gleam about you that lights up his entire face • "hey, Lin Lin!" Ong yells "y/n is here for you!" • Ha Sungwoon, who is ushering the last few customers out before they close for a lunch break, does a 360 spin when he hears the telltale clatter of a metal tiffin • Guanlin takes the tiffin from you, mumbling a 'thank you' • his fingers brush against yours and sparks shoot through his entire body, making his eyes widen and he nearly loses grip on the entire thing • please don't waste food • "Jinyoung!" you beam, running over to hug your cousin affectionately but not before making sure Guanlin made it safely to their break room with the food • Guanlin's emotions are conflicted. he is confused why you act so nice to him when you already have a boyfriend. yes, there is such a thing as being friends but he can't handle his feelings for you. he lets out a frustrated groan just as you and Baejin enter the break room • "y/n, did you eat? you should join us for lunch," Park Jihoon pipes up, looking hopefully at you with his doe-like eyes. • before you can nod, Ong stands up and announces there's a shortage of chairs so there's a scramble to find one for you • whoosh! suddenly you and Guanlin are left alone • today, he has some sort of rose pinned to his shirt pocket in place of his flower crown • "it's very pretty, just like you," you babble out without thinking. um deja vu much? you might as well just throw caution to the wind and straight out flirt with him now • outside, your cousin is struggling to hold in his laughter while recording blackmail • Guanlin just shrugs, pretending to busy himself with unloading the tiffin tiers while he tries to suppress his rising emotions • where are my hyungs? • "oh my gosh! this smells amazing! what is it? your mother must be a great cook," you praise, but restrain yourself from digging in without the others • "it's traditional Taiwanese food. my mum makes only the best," Guanlin says proudly • "i should try to learn some from your mum. that way, we can make it whenever you come over!" • "......" Guanlin is speechless and the image of you cooking and learning how to make his traditional mother land dishes makes him soft!!! • "i mean, with your sister! and, and your parents, of course!" you continue • there's an awkward pause before you start talking again, "has anyone requested for you to feed them as fanservice?" • Guanlin cringes and shakes his head. "thank God but Woojin hyung did get asked once and I think I still have a video of it on my phone." • Woojin's shame and annoyance is pretty much radiating off him right now • with a burst! of confidence, you scoop up a spoonful of rice and lets it hover near your lips • "would you like me to feed you?" • EW NO I AM SO CRINGEY PLS LET ME LIVE I AM SORRY I AM SO SORRY SWEETIE • Lin Lin is so stunned his mouth drops open and heat creeps up the back of his neck. he doesn't know how to tell you that your action reminds him of the wedding tradition where the bride has to prepare glutinous rice balls for the groom • okay Guan we get that you have a crush on y/n but maRRIAGE IS TOO SOON STOP YOU ARE A CHILD IM YELLING • maybe it's a thing you do to your friends all the time but to Lin Lin, he's only ever been fed by his family or really close friends... never his CRUSH • he isn't going to complain about being fed though we all know he loves food • fksodhjds his feelings are all over the place now • "why do you act like this when you already have a boyfriend?" • um what? run that by me again? • Guanlin spends excessive time on chewing so as to avoid answering your questions • "oh...you know, Bae Jinyoung? The captain of C9's basketball team? Also the guy you were hugging two seconds ago?" he retorts, face falling in realisation that you probably had to admit and confirm your relationship • contrary to his expectation, you burst out laughing and so does Baejin and Jaehwan • "guANLIN! BAEJIN IS MY COUSIN!" • flsjskdjsksdj he has never gone so red in his entire life • only you have that effect on him ;) • "s-so...you're single?" guanlin stammers out ruefully • boldly, you press a quick kiss to his cheek • "yes, very" • "c-can...w-will you go o-out" • someone save him he's switching between English, Chinese and Korean in one sentence • "yes." • relief just washes over his face and his hyungs burst back into the room • "wow! it took us fifteen minutes to find one chair! this place has terrible storage!" • you turn to Guanlin and poke his cheek gently • "yah, wipe that smug smile off your face. if you were a flower, you would be white calla lily" • he quirks an eyebrow, "innocence and purity?" • cue hyungs cackling • "yeah! your next flower crown should be made out of those!" • the next week, he comes to work with one commissioned by his aunt • but he refuses to leave for work until he has stopped by your place to give you a matching one • you get his aunt's phone number and surprises him with a flower crown of butterly orchids - another flower native to Taiwan • he straight up faints out of happiness and collects the flower crowns you make instead of utilising them • his precious • "y/n, you're really feeding my flower boy reputation" ( deja vu ) • Guanlin gifts you Dior's Miss Dior - Blooming Bouquet out of nowhere bc he can and he wants to show his appreciation and kinda feels bad you spent not your money but your time slaving over learning to cook and make flower crowns • then again....guanrich but not everything is about money • at the end of it all, he's still the same flower boy Lin Lin

#Admin L #wanna one #wanna one scenarios #produce 101 #produce 101 scenarios #lai guanlin #hwang minhyun #kang daniel #ha sungwoon #yoon jisung #ong seongwoo #bae jinyoung #park woojin #park jihoon #kim jaehwan #lee daehwi

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cyberstabbing · 7 years

Text

Non AUs/Somewhat Canon

Unequivocal - This is how it would have happened. 38k

Hear Me Out - It’s not so much the turning into a girl that’s a problem; that’s happened before. It’s the fact that Frank doesn’t turn back. 23k

Okay but this … was so much more than I could have hoped for. Definitely raised the bar for everything else.

Ice Cubes And Rubber Bands - “It’s hot.“

”Shut up.“

”It’s so fucking hot and I’m melting.“

“You’ve said that like fifty fucking times in a row now shut the fuck up and stop whining!” Frank grits through his teeth, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

“It’s not my fault that we are stranded here in the middle of fucking nowhere, Frank”, Gerard says, a bitchy undertone in his voice. It almost sounds like he’s trying to pick a fight. Frank takes a deep breath and closes his eyes; it’s too fucking hot to deal with Gerard’s allures right now. 7k (if you include part two)

Breakdown on the L.I.E. - Frank jerked awake when his dream was interrupted by a squealing banshee, which turned out to be the van grinding and squealing to a halt. 6k

every man - “I won't—we’re a band, Marc,” Gee says, “I’m not—shit. I’m not the girl who stays home.” 1k

with the lights on - Frank is weirdly chivalrous in some ways. He always opens doors for her, he lights her cigarettes like he’s in a forties movie or something, and he always offers her the last seat, even if it means that he has to sit on the floor. 10k

Sparkle Motion - For the next week, Gerard woke up every morning to a new list of Words that Describe how Gerard is In Bed pinned on the fridge. It disappeared after one of them wrote, ‘Sparkle Motion’ because, Bob explained to Gerard, they felt they’d nailed Gerard’s essence with that one. 6k

A Natural Reaction to Rough-housing - He made it to the bathroom and stood there leaning heavily on the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. He didn’t look like a creepy sadist. But neither did Christian Bale, and that hadn’t ended well for anybody. 27k

Sweet Caffeine (and Love of Liberace) - In which Brian tasered them into it, Gerard read too many comic books as a kid, Jamia isn’t worried about anything, and Bob doesn’t wear a codpiece. 4k

Now Honey, Don’t You Cry - Frank has always had an irrational fear of thunder, but when it causes a breakdown beyond that of ‘irrational,’ Gerard vows to find the truth. 6k

Pavlov’s Dog - It’s during one of their coveted hotel nights that Frank finally has enough. 1k

Reaching Through The Mirror - The one where Party Poison and Basement!Gerard have sex. 5k

(part one of Time Travel ‘verse)

James Cameron Got It Wrong - In which 2005!Frank and Fun Ghoul get it on. Then Frank accidentally winds up in 2019. 56k

(part two of Time Travel ‘verse)

Whatever I Want (Whatever That Is) - The first time Frank walked in on Gerard going down a girl in the dressing room, he was pissed. 9k

Distance in the Afterlife - Gerard comes out. 15k

The One Where Ray Can Hear Sex Dreams - I’m really sorry, Mr. Toro. But I didn’t make you have sex with anyone, as per your request. 2k

Heart On - From early days touring in vans to Projekt Revolution, the tour crew swears that they’re not homophobic, they just don’t want to see that shit. Frank takes it as a personal challenge. 13k

I died laughing like 17 times.

Just A Spoonful - It’s actually something of a relief when Frank walks onto the bus to find Gerard learning how to sabotage a car. It’s better than the last time, anyway, when he was trying to snort coke through a rolled-up condom wrapper. Or the time before, when he was passed out in a pile of glass shards. All things considered, wrecking random cars would be a step up for him. 1k

When I Think About You (I Touch Myself) - Van!era bodyswap. Gerard is a narcissist. 2k

You’re so cute when you’re slurring your speech - If this is what Frank wants, then fuck it. Just fucking fuck it. Frank can have it.(Or, Frank wants to bone Gerard. So he does. A lot.) 8k

Ride - This is the coolest place the band has ever stayed at. 15k

jerseymisery wrote this description: okay this is an ULTRA FAVE!! the whole fic has such a dreamlike sort of quality to it? it gives me such great vibes of like summer and transience and SHIT LIKE THAT.. it’s set during bullets i’m pretty sure which is. COOL. it just feels like a snapshot, a moment in time.. i really like it. go read it! it’s frank x gerard and mikey x an oc.

ierohero's write-up: https://ierohero.tumblr.com/post/188897569757/im-reading-ride-again-theres-literally-no

Link to author (they also wrote some fics below)

Sick - It was sort of sick, since Frank was, like, younger than his little brother, but Gerard had wanted to kiss him from the very first second he saw him standing up on stage and smirking into the microphone.

“Who’s that?” he asked Mikey.“That’s Frank,” Mikey whispered back, like it was some big secret or something, hissing the words into Gerard’s ear. “That’s the guy I want you to meet.”

“Figures,” Gerard muttered. It just fuckin’ figured that the first guy he’d wanted to fuck in, like, a semester would be the one Mikey wanted for the band. 5k

Broke - Frank is sick. A companion piece to Sick. 5k

Fucked Up - It’s hard to describe the multitude of ways in which Frankie is fucked up, although Gerard keeps trying. He lies in his bunk at night listening to the other members of the band breathing, soft radiator hisses, the occasional snore, and tries to enumerate to himself what’s wrong with Frankie. He thinks that maybe if he can figure out what the problem is, he can fix it. He’s always been sort of an optimist. 1k

Reasons We Don’t - “Why don’t we fuck?” Frank asks, tipping his head back to blow smoke at the sky. 7k

subterfuge of tiny proportions - It usually takes Gerard hours to wind down from a show. He has this crazy wired look in his eyes when they come offstage, all sweaty and flushed and jittery. He touches people more, talks a little louder, a little faster. Even now, even after all this time, it still gets to him. The nervous energy, the screams of the crowd, the music. Frank watches him every night, because when he is like that, he’s beautiful. And because when the stage buzz wears off, he crashes, hard and fast. 1k

He Told Me I Could Never Go Back - Everything was fine until Frank disappeared. 2k

this broke my heart.

Up Against Your Will (HERE is the chapter index) - Stepping into a world so different from their own, Frank and Gerard struggle to survive. 18 chapters

this was amazing, but also hard to read in some parts, bc of the non con and gore :/ not my cup of tea, but I did love the word building and the fic overall.

When I Was a Little Girl - Frank is a dyke. Period. She doesn't like boys. At all. But if you squint (or you're drunk enough) sometimes Gerard totally looks like a girl. 26k

Silken - Gerard can't help but notice the way Frank bites his lip and shifts in his seat when an interviewer brings up his day in drag. Frank's almost normal when he nudges Gerard with his shoulder, raising his hands in the air and laughing, "Oh, yeah. Man, you should have seen him - like Christina Ricci, you know?" but Gerard can still see the imprint of his teeth on his lower lip and files that away while he relates the story about how the conductor was really nice to him and how he'd managed figure out how to sit without crushing anything vital by the end of the day. <1k

Pushy Little Fuck - "Anyone ever tell you, Iero, that you're a pushy little fuck?" Gerard says, rearranging Frank against his side.

Frank just grins at him and says, "S'my middle name." Frank Pushy Little Fuck Iero. There's a song in there somewhere. 1k

The Kind They'd Like to Flaunt - When Frank first meets Gee, officially, it's because Ray saw Frank from across the room and put him into a headlock to get him over to his booth. 1k

How Dirty Boys Get Clean - Gerard stinks. Frank convinces him that bath time can be such fun. 1k i think?? maybe 2k

Under My Skin - "Maybe," Gerard had said one night, scratching idly at Frank's scalp, "it was something you ate?" "Maybe," Ray said, "it was some kind of sex pollen." Frank growled and said, "maybe if you don't shut up right now I'm going to kick your ass." 1k

Body of a Venus (lord, imagine my surprise) - Gerard is dressed like a girl and decides to pay Frank a visit. 1k

Never Looked Better And You Can’t Stand It - For once, Frank is the self-conscious one. 1k

In the Dark - The problem wasn’t that Gerard was stupid; the problem was that he wasn’t always the most observant guy around. Sometimes he just misses things that maybe he should have noticed. He hadn’t thought anything of it the first time Frank had pushed his hands out from under his shirt and said, “I’d rather touch you.”

(Or the one where chubby!Frank is really self-conscious and avoids having sex with Gerard with the lights on.) 2k

Jane Doe - Frank meets a mystery girl at a party. When she turns out to be not such a mystery (and not such a girl), he’s forced to make some hard choices. Set in fall 2000. This isn’t an AU, but some details have been changed. 9 chapters

This fic, man… this fic… An amazing read (though unfinished). Really shows how unbalanced affection and care can be, and leaves you uncertain yet hopeful for their relationship. Here’s an excerpt:

”The heat’s on as high as it goes,“ Gerard said, glancing over with concern. Frank wondered if Gerard would have noticed his trembling if they hadn’t been making out feverishly just a few hours beforehand.

Edit 22/10/2019: I just found out there was a ninth chapter?? Holy shit okay lets go.

Moonlight Model - Frank's a photographer. Gerard's a model. Only not really. 1k

Pack - Frank's a very playful werewolf. 1k

I Wish I Were A Ghost - Halloween is Frank Iero's birthday. It's also the day when the veil between the world of the living and the dead is at it's thinnest.

A ghost-story. Short and sweet. 1k

Immutable - Frank and Gerard are sitting in bed, talking about frank's tattoos, and it's beautiful. 1k

Curl - Gerard finds Frank tied to the seatbelt in the back of their tour van. Sexytimes ensue. 2k

no sleep - Gerard looked terrible, hollow-eyed and sweaty, and it was still only just after midnight. <1k

the second time the band saves gerard's life - soberty fic. 1k

Half the Battle - People tend to assume Gerard is an alpha. Frank knows better. 1k

Afresh - As much as Frank tells him there's never been a time he didn't love Gerard, Gerard knows Frank definitely doesn't miss the days when he could sometimes smell him from the other room. 1k

Just Because - By the time Gerard asked Frank to join the band, the only answer Frank had left for him was yes. 4k

Holding Out For An Iero - When Frank gets his chestpiece, he doesn't have sex for a week. 5k

An Inexplicable Occurrence of Angels - 35k

This was on my Fics-I-Can’t-Find-list, and since this one doesn’t have a description, I’ll just paste in what I could remember from reading it last year:

My Chem (minus Frank) broke up after Revenge. One day Frank kinda shows up (can't remember how). Frank's an angel with big wings and is hopelessly clueless about the world, so the rest or My Chem have to help him. They take him on walks and it looks like he has a hunchback bc of his wings. I think Frank doesn't even know any words in the beginning, but he learns english quickly. Loves watching movies. Everyone in My Chem basically crash at ray's place bc of Frank. And they're all Hey... maybe we should pick up the band again...?

UPDATE: okay i just reread it and it’s sooooo good holy shit. especially the last chapter. there was a comment on AO3 about how they would come back and reread the last chapter over and over again because it made them so happy. that’s probably what i’m gonna do from now on.

A Necessary Requirement - description by jerseymisery ... i think: it’s like a warped tour fic i believe, god it’s so fucking funny, the dialogue is gr8.. basically the whole fic is frank wanting to know what gerard’s dick looks like okay dhgvjsdghg. 3k

Twenty Percent Down - We're rock stars," Frank says firmly. "We're not moving back to live in our parents' basements." 7k

House hunting!

"What's your credit rating like?" he pants out. "I - what?" Gerard stops mouthing Frank's skin and lifts his head up. ^ Never fails to crack me up.

One Hundred Percent - (Almost. Maybe.) - Frank sighed. "I'm playing tonight," he said, firmly. "It is a fucking sore throat. Luckily, I am not the lead singer. I can play my fucking guitar with a sore throat. I can play it with my eyes closed. I am fine." (11,400 words of, you know, Frank being sick. A LOT.) 11k

Raspberry Swirl - The time that the whole band woke up as girls was maybe the weirdest. 16k

Away With The Boys In The Band - Behind the Music: My Chemical Romance, in the world where Mikey has always been a girl. 69k

Ship(s): Mikey Way/Otter, Mikey Way/Gabe Saporta, Mikey Way/Pete Wentz, Mikey Way/Alicia Simmons

^ I could not put this down. The writing is so so so spectacular, and the dialog is both interesting and realistic. A lot of angst, but still hilarious at parts. Please read.

Update because I need to add some things: Listen! Words can not express how obsessed with this fic I am. I made a mixtape for it. Fanart. Currently working on a ebook version of it so I can print it out. Guys. You do not understand how fucking fantastic this fic is. Don’t scroll away from me, I’m serious! Fucking click the link dammit. Click it. C’mon. I’m waiting–click iiiiit. You back yet? Yeah? What did I tell you! I know, it is amazing! You okay? Got tissues? Good. Okay now go wash your face and eat a snack. No, no, no need to thank me, the pleasure was all mine.

Any Way You Want - Gee Way is fronting early MCR when Frank spots them in a shitty bar and immediately finds himself immersed in the energy of the music; not to mention the addictive personality of the lead singer. 18k

Sucker Bet - Since Frank's currently got a sloppy handful of Gerard's hard-and-getting-harder cock, oops kinda seems like an understatement. But Frank's a practical kinda guy. 2k

A Helping Hand - Frank just wants to be able to jerk off. He doesn't think that's too much to ask. 6k

Frank the Failiest Vampire - Frank's a vampire, and he's finally ready to let the world know. 0.9

a not!fic

Three Sharp Bites - When Frank had imagined the joy of finally finding a helpless thrall who would tilt back his neck for him, displaying the jugular with a undertone of love and utter submission, he didn't really expect it to include the joy of being bent almost in two while his mate fucked the living shit out of him. 0.7k

part two of Frank the Failiest Vampire. This isn’t a not!fic though.

Fantasy Book - This was really, really not normal behavior for Gerard - not for real, normal Gerard, and it was even a little abrupt for the imaginary Gerard who lived in Frank's head and came out during his Special Alone Times with his dick. 16k

The Year of Living Safely - Post-sobriety MCR. This is as much about me and my own brother as it is about the Way boys, and Christ was it hard to write; it brought a lot of painful things to the surface. 12k

Incredibly painful but worth a read. Or ten. One-sided Frank/Gerard.

second word, one syllable - Prompt #60. Frank loses his voice and has to use notes, texts, charades, etc. to communicate. 4k

More Than He Can Say - Frank doesn't know what it is about tonight. 2k

I've Got Friends in Closed Spaces - Written for the no_tags challenge for the prompt of 'accidental frottage.' Set in the middle of a tour, vaguely 2004. 4k

it’s the hide-and-seek fic! i’ve been looking for this for an eternity.

First Class - Gerard is totally disturbed, because he's sort of obsessed with making Frank drool. 1.6k

Party Games (Eureka!) - Gerard has awesome ideas. 2k

MCR: untitled no.1 - Gerard plays piano in the loosest sense of the word - plays, with fingers stuttering a little in the air above the white keys and even more over the black ones; body hunched over and shoulders tucked in as soft lines form between his eyebrows. Zero-point-something k.

and here’s another piano drabble by the same author!

just like it was - Basically, I had this really urgent desire to write about Gerard's high school reunion. <1k

love on the webways - As a writer, Grant supposes he could have considerably worse habits than trolling his own message boards.

A totally ridiculous AU vaguely inspired by You've Got Mail. 32k Grant/Gerard

This was so fun to read! It’s a what-if-they-broke-up-after-tbp fic btw.

you weaseled your way into my heart (and ferreted out my feelings) - You gotta watch out for those bands with umlauts. 5k

Reverberation - Frank feels like he just fell off the stage, staggered directly from the lights and out into the long hallway backstage, tipping over into the momentary quiet. 1.5k

Not a Pretty Girl - 28k

Gen. Always-been-a-girl fic featuring kick ass female drummer, Bob Bryar. The story is a series of shorter fics all about her life before MCR, growing up as a woman in the Chicago scene, touring with The Used, joining MCR and everything that comes with that. It's awesome. + art!

I Am a Patient Boy - So this is an AU about Gerard being a girl named Helen (after her...grandmother?) and Frank being sort of, head over heels. 5k

“He goes to the next show alone. It’s in this basement club, red-lit and smoky. Frank stands on a chair at the back of the room. Over everyone’s head so he can get a good look.”

This fic follows Frank as he leaves Pencey Prep and joins My Chem in 2001. The author changed a lot of details though, so I recommend thinking of it as an AU in how the band formed. Unless you want to yell at your screen at 1am for it getting the timeline wrong (like I did).

Not Smashing Windows - In the beginning, they were the scene. An origin story. 32k

From Gabe’s POV, and it’s done flawlessly. It somehow emulates the same feeling one gets from stumbling across an overlooked short film at three a.m. on youtube. The one you can’t help but wonder about, how it is that you’ve never heard about it before. Like it is in its own bubble of existence. Feeling afraid to even breathe or look away, afraid that it’ll disappear at any time, that it was too good to be true. Something you shouldn’t be able to hold in your hands. This fic feels incredibly personal to read. Gabe’s longings of intimacy, the hopelessness at parts. I could feel my fondness for the characters grow enormously in this fic. The wording and conversations and scenes paint a brilliant picture that will stay with you for a long time. I know it will for me at least. Ship: Gabe Saporta/Mikey Way

For a Different View - AU. Ray Toro is a girl, Rae, but MCR is still just MCR. 49k

The first time they went over to Mikey's house, Mikey tossed her a beer and said, "My brother might come up. Maybe not, though. He gets weird in the middle of projects." She found out what he meant halfway through Dawn of the Dead, when a bundle of black fabric barreled from the basement door to the refrigerator and back down to the basement without saying a word to either of them.

I need to finish this!!! But –gah. Such awesome awesomeness. Ship: Ray/Mikey

Double Exposure - “The worst part was the confession. Well, the explanation sucked too.” Written for prompt 38. Frank/Mikey - Frank and Mikey bodyswap during tour and have to play shows as each other. 2.5k

Frank isn’t part italian in this fic. He’s part alien! :D Ship: Frank/Mikey

Anti-Sex (It Comes Around remix) - The first time Frank ever really talked to Mikey's brother it was at a house party somewhere in the shitty part of the Oranges. Before that, Gerard was just Mikey's weird older brother. In Frank's mind, their interactions were always relative to Mikey, spinning out from him, Mikey first, Gerard a trailing but connected afterthought. At that party, though, Mikey's brother was a little buzzed and cheerful with it, talking with a charisma and charm Frank hadn't seen before.

Here’s a v 2018 relevant part: “Hey, you bring me my voter's registration, I swear I'll turn it in." "You're not even registered to vote?" Gerard said, and brought a hand up to run his pinky across his eyebrow like it was all just too much, and Frank laughed.

Crooked Crown - There's always a voice in the back of Frank's head, tiny and barely registering after years of shrugging it off, but still present nonetheless. It says things like, this is a bad idea, and it's satisfying now, but there'll be consequences later. Or, this is the line and you're about to cross it. Someone had once said that Frank had no conscience, which wasn't true because hi, voice in his head. He totally did have a conscience - it was just that he wasn't much of a slave to it.

In any case, the voice dampens out even quicker than usual this time and he's then free to scribble 'BALLS' in Sharpie over each page of Gerard's brand new issue of Hellboy before stuffing it back underneath the seat to be discovered later on. 4k

“The next day they're in Austin, and it feels like an armpit. Mikey walks around with his fingers splayed out, trying to prevent any part of his body from touching another”

^ Ah Mikey, never stop being so relatable. Anyway, this was hilarious. I love how petty both of them were. Poor Ray with his head in his hands!

Rappelling Down Mount Vesuvius - 1k | Gen

I love reading little snippets of their lives like this. Just the right amount of fluff and backstory for something bittersweet and hopeful.

down to the water - Things were better than they were a month ago, hell, a week ago, but that wasn't saying much. A week ago, Gee was stumbling drunk on a stage in Japan and puking so much Frank had honestly been afraid she was going to die. So, while her over-caffeinated, white-faced sobriety of today was a welcome change, Frank still felt like they were all on the edge of disaster, that everything they'd worked so hard for could still collapse around them. 10k

New Rule - Pitch-black basement sex. 2k

Frank is jammed in between Gerard and the wall. He made Gerard check the entire basement for spiders before they turned off the crazy-bright fluorescent strip light, but he’s still wrapped himself up in the blankets like a burrito, jamming the edges under his body until he’s fucking airtight. “If you stretch you’ll pull the blankets out,” he says, muffled because his face is pressed under Gerard’s chin. “And then the spiders will get in, and then I’ll have to kill you.”

Oooh nooo, they have to share the bed. [cackles loudly]

Kiss The Bottle - A drunk wizard slips Frank a love potion while the band is in between tour dates. Chaos and mischief ensues. 35k

An impeccable casting of the wizard, I must say. lol

Don't Fear the Reaper - Gerard's not the greatest with faces but there's one that keeps crossing his path that he can't ignore. 4k

THE SCENE IS DEAD - 20k

Can’t remember who wrote this description (it’s on my to-do list) (was it disenchanted?) but THEY PUT IT INTO WORDS: “I don't know how to begin to describe this one... It's written in an unusual format - ie. a lot of it is told through newspaper articles and webpages but it's one of those super haunting fics that stays with you for days. I don't think there are any triggers listed so be warned there are character deaths and supernatural stuff.”

And I really don’t have more to add. I don’t even want to say anything more because honestly for this fic, the less you know the better. For me the experience of reading it was made a hundred times better just by the emotional rollercoasters I was put through. Lol. Trying to figure out what was going on/going to happen next was really fun.

Candy Cane Vodka - "Yeah, Mikey, you accidentally made fucking peppermint Everclear. Congratulations and all, but Jesus Christ."

Mikey gets an idea on the road after finding a bargain bin book on homemade infusions. Experimentation follows, and Yuletide chaos ensues.

ngl... i’m tempted to make that vodka mixture

Ships: Mikey/Ray, Frank/Gerard

#frerard #frerard fic #frank/gerard #rec list

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asdfghjklyf · 6 years

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i don't know how to start this too im just going to list things. I had talked to my ex in a very vulnerable state saying how i don't think I will love someone like that again and that i feel like in the future that i would still feel the same and he said the same thing. That right now we need to figure ourselves out we both just turned 21 and can't talk long term without being on our own or whatever. We agreed that we would remain friends or try to be and if our paths cross and we felt the same then we could open up for discussion.

I honestly feel like i was “winning” until now. I felt fine I would say happy in what I was doing and overall better until I needed to talk to him bc i felt very alone. I found out he hadn't been doing so well so my hope in telling him all that was so he would focus on himself instead of what I was doing. That was a mistake. I feel like now he's living his life and I am stuck in a rut. This rut is bc of my fucking face its really just crushed me I’ve never had to deal with acne i’ve been pretty lucky but now i feel self conscious, low energy and haven't been taking care or myself. Like when you look good you feel good and I don't feel the best right now...

Thinking about all that made me think of the actuality of my relationship. I can confidently say that during the times we were dating I never talked to anyone but him. I never entertained anyone but him or even thought to give anyone my attention it was just so unnatural. I mean Im dating you bc I want to and bc you're the only one I want right.. I don't know why Im so nice to francisco, maybe bc he's never been mean to me to my face even tho he does a lot of fucked up shit. He seems very apologetic and I buy it every single fucking time. He tells me he sees a future with me and I STILL buy it every single fucking time. He seems so sincere to my fucking face but he's a liar. He's always been lying to me and the crazy thing is that He's the one who always brings it up. I don't ask to hear this bullshit or maybe he thinks thats what I want to hear.

I realized the way cisco and I talk, is how he talks to everyone lol There really is no difference between me and someone else. Or the kind of relationship we could have had and the one he currently has with his friends. I realize cisco talks to everyone, while as I don't bc I don't feel the need to make small talk. If i talk to you its to make plans yet cisco talks to everyone but doesn't see them as far as i know. and to be honest I don't really know what he does or him. And im staring to realize that I never really did, I was so involve with the image and possibility or a future but why am i settling down for less and especially right now. I am 21 haven't lived at all what the hell do I know and why would I be living with one foot still in the past. Like having something to fall back on but I can't fall back on him, he's the most unstable person. He's very needy and always looking for attention, like he needs it. I have always been reserved, keep things to myself and independent. I pride myself in how independent I am which is a good thing as well as negative which I am focusing on now. To summarize the most unstable part of my life. I was with him for 2 in a half years or so on and off and now thats its over I realize he has never really been about me, at any point to be honest. At the beginning of our talking phase he was still in contact w his ex regularly and even physically, months later when we were officially dating same thing had pictures of her/videos and a video of a different girl giving head which i am now certain it was him even though for a long time I had brushed it off and bought into the idea it was someone else. Next year, Months later over the summer I found flirty text messages and good night texts to jasmean and interactions over snapchat to other girls. took a break after that and got back at the end of summer only to find out in september he was dancing and making out with girls and 2 of my close friends saw him. I believed him over them and took it as they saw wrong, which was stupid. Got back together after the hardest break yet, we drove to meet each other and got back determined to make it work. Set all the rules and decided it was the last time. Literally 2 months later after we were “planning for the future” on our big trip together he reached out to his ex a week before to catch up, was sending shirtless pics and making inappropriate comments to other girls, and had a screenshot from snap of a girls boobs under a hidden file in his camera roll. After hours of fighting he finally admitted it was pamela, and once i talked to her the next day it turned out to be much worse, she said they talked for awhile AND last year during her birthday as well where he would ask her to send pics she also said she sent him a video of him masterbating and that she heard he had been doing other things as well. Never once while we were officially together did i ever talk to anyone or do anything with another else. I was putting a lot of blame on myself for different reasons but at the end of the day they say everything happens for a reason, but whats the reason?? That francisco is a sick manipulative liar and cheater. He's always been a dog and nothing can change that.

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jess-oh · 7 years

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Reflection

Hello blog,

it’s been a while. I really hope and pray that no one reads this anymore or at least doesn’t read this post. So if you are reading this, please skip over it. I don’t care if it’s in the future and this is an old post. Skip it. Please.

Just me? Okay cool.

So....i’ve got a lot on my mind and they arent necessarily all good. i think ive been struggling with indentity issues lately and figuring out who i am and who i want to be. i really like michaela and i just got back from playing D&D with her and her friend and i honestly had a good time! but on my way there, i was questioning myself. i thought about how much alcohol we would drink and how much i would just shrug it off and say that it’s fine. when it really wasnt. i was uncomfortable and past me would have never put myself in that position. So why do I keep doing that to myself? Purposely finding places where I could drink and wanting to in an effort to fit in. Why do I care so much? I know that I shouldn’t but I do. And I don’t think it’s a matter of feeling alone. It’s just a matter of wanting more friends and not wanting to be gossiped about or ostracized.

I also think I’ve been feeling a bit more insecure lately too. I have been more prone to gossip and I realized that I when I previously vented about people, just because I didn’t say their name, it didnt mean that i wasnt gossiping. Because I was. Even if I kept that anonymous, I was still talking smack about them. And then I started questioning the line of gossip. Is venting gossip? Is talking smack in an effort to feel better about yourself gossip? It’s not always so clean and simple where you are intentionally talking badly about someone for the sake of talking badly. I want to spend more time with myself, by myself and figure myself out without influence from outside forces. And I do feel bad because Loren has been messaging me kinda often when I can’t exactly talk on the phone. And I do want to be there for her and although she has been a bit of a burden, I haven’t been a great listener either. I often just check out of the conversation and vent about her issues to my friends and that seems pretty messed up. I don’t want to do that. I want to genuinely be there for her. I want to be the kind of friend that just drops everything in an effort to care for their loved ones. but... idk man. i also dont know if when ive been thinking, ive just been forcing myself to be this mold or someone that i want to be but not necessarily who i am. i keep saying that im super aggressive and sometimes i am. but not nearly as often as i claim to be. i think thats just who i want to become. and yes, i have been trying to keep myself a little more in check with my bluntness. but honestly, i am scared and intimated by what other people will say when i do want to confront them. i think it’s important to be considerate first. and i was just thinking about the summer and how in my own skin i felt and how God gave me the gift of compassion and how so in love I felt. I was so on fired and fueled by prayer and the words just poured out of my mouth. i didnt even have to think about it there. there was great power present and it was honestly amazing. but when we were at pastor william’s and i was asked what i like most about myself, i said, “compassion.” but it felt so weird. and wrong. because it was no longer true. i think over the summer, that was by far my best quality. i was filled with so much love and care for others and i was blunt bc i just wanted the best for them. but ive grown so unbelievably selfish lately and have “treated myself” way too often. i do still love others. a lot. but it’s not just about me. i want to care and serve for others too. those are my defining features. and maybe one day i will receive the gift of tongues. but for now, i just want to reestablish myself with Christ and move forward from here. I want to be me and work toward a better version of myself. I want to take good care of myself and while gaining control might have been a good excuse in the beginning, im nearly halfway through with the semester now and there are still so many variables that i cant control. so much has been happening and i just want to continue to do my best and maintain my cool.

im starting to get tired since it’s 2:26am but I really want to finish this blog entry.

So, Andrew. Hi Andrew.

I don’t like Lauren. You’re with her at Disneyland right now and I have no idea how it’s going but I’m assuming and fearing that it’s going really well. Because I really don’t like her. And maybe it’s bc we got off on the wrong foot or because I never gave her a chance. But more than that, she just reminds me of high school and how miserable I was. A part of me is afraid that she’s just using you as a sick joke and laughing about you behind your back with her friends. And I know that you’re worth so much more than that and I don’t know why I’m so worried about you but I am. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m losing you as a friend. Not just to her but in general. Maybe it’s because I know Lauren is close to Anela and Anela hardcore fucked me over. Maybe it’s because she was on ASB and knew Heidi. And Heidi drove me to cut myself. Maybe it’s just the thought of idea of her, getting close to you, and you guys becoming something more...and the two of us just drift apart again.

I mean, we already are. I finally confronted him recently and said that he’s been a lot more apathetic and selfish lately and he wasnt too offended but i dont think he fully registered it either. and i still havent told him about how he keeps objectifying women by just their appearance or as sexual objects and at first, i kinda just brushed it off and said, “oh...well, he’s a guy! whatever” but i knew in my heart that that is just a cop-out. i know so many guys that are much more respectful and not nearly as misogynistic. But I still want to be his friend and idk if im just overreacting because when i was watching jane the virgin earlier, i realized that i just casually say, “man, hes really cute.” and hes just going that to girls so is that really so weird? and im just not used to hearing the other side of it? maybe?????????? or it’s similar but hes taking it into the sexual approach? but he does still seem willing to give people a chance and move past appearance? But, he’s also been saying hes a lot of things that hes not in an effort to make himself look better. it’s a defense mechanism and i realize that i do that too. whenever something is remotely negative toward me, i immediately try and think of all the reasons why im actually good and not that bad thing. but i want to stop and try to just accept them as true and fact and work on them from there instead of dying them in the first place.

and finally, my sexuality. ive been drawn a lot more over the years to watching big boobs and scantily clad women. and im wondering if it’s bc im lowkey gay but im too afraid to admit it because of my religion? Why would God make me like this anyway? But all the people ive crushed on have also been guys so maybe im just straight? maybe? ???

or bisexual? maybe? i honestly dont know. or maybe it’s just because women are so overly exposed and their bodies are so heavily sexualized in media and im just used to that media too. bc i def feel turned on whenever i watch an anime clip or a real life version of sexy scenes. but it could also just be a result of repression and my sexual desire for the flesh and wanting to feel that intensity and that passion. but i know i shouldnt til marriage! but i would definitely be lying if i said that ive never been tempted. i have definitely thought of masturbation as an option too. eee, who knows. but i also like to dress scandalously sometimes too bc it makes me feel good. yes, sometimes it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. but other times, esp in my high waisted shorts and crop top, i feel BOMB DOT COM!!! And I might even be a little bit turned on by myself. i was hanging out with joyce and sharlene the other day and joyce mentioned how shes only a C cup and i thought about how i’m a D. And yet, Joyce is a lot bigger than I am. And then I felt kind of self conscious. But I do want to be more body positive and grow to love and appreciate my rather large boobs as they are. I know growing up, I felt pretty ashamed of them but I want to just be able to openly flaunt them instead and work in and wear crop tops and low necklines bc i feel good and im killin the game. really. thats part of the reason why i want to dress up as silk from the amazing spiderman. shes pretty well covered but i know that the body suit would accentuate my curves and mostly my boobs and i do want them to pop and feel hottttt. and i did a lot of research into creeps at the con and obviously i want to avoid them but a part of me actually wants to get hit on by a creep, just for my self esteem. yknow? like, wow, im so hot that i am worthy of getting hit on or cat called. and it sucks and it’s a bi degrading but i do think i would feel pretty good about myself, as sad as that sounds.

im just... im feeling really conflicted right now. i do want to do more exploring but thats not how i was raised but i dont want to live such an oppressed lifestyle but i also just want to be with God. and i want to be around people that i feel open about sharing my sexual fantasies with, even if i want to remain a virgin until marriage. not really but i know that it’s the right thing to do.

hm.

welp, yeah. i played dungeons and dragons with michaela spontaneously. we planned to do it at 11pm that night after work and we follow through and even though we were short a few people and jordan couldnt do my hair, we still had a pretty gr9 time. so yay.

i just. yeah. sigh.i got a lot to do and think about.

on the bright side, ive made sooooo much progress with my homework! but now i just really got to work on graphic design. ive been realizing that ive been putting that off more and more bc i want to avoid it whilst focusing more on physics and ITM, the two subjects that i previously used to avoid. neither are great but i guess it’s better that im focusing on those two notes bc i am hardcore struggling. but i also dont want to neglect a major class. so...we’ll see, i guess, haha. tess wasnt at work today and i didnt talk smack about her at all. instead, i met hailey and made a new friend c:

im going to see rocky horror tomorrow night and im happy to be going out with my friends and keeping marlena company but i do also feel bad bc church and im risking not waking up. and now that’s just on me. and it’s no longer such a small deal if i decide not to go. bc that affects dana as well and i do really want her to get to know Christ and really rekindle this relationship that she has with Him. I want Lakeview to become a place where people can feel a lot more personable and open with each other. And I don’t want to compare myself to others and wonder why someone did something for someone else but not me because it’s really not about me. it’s about us, in that moment, at that time, and what they are going through. not about me. not at all.

i think that’s all for now. i hope i can get a lot done tomorrow for graphic design and management! C: and i hope i can be more open with andrew too bc we definitely are growing apart and it breaks my heart and i feel this underlying sense of loyalty, just bc we were both there for each other when we needed someone to be there for us. and i am afraid that lauren is going to take up his time and he’ll neglect his time with me and i wont be as much of a priority to him. and that does kinda break my heart and i do miss him. i miss so many of my californian friends. i really do. and i cant wait to see them again over winter break.

#reflection

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stars-forever-dwell-blog1 · 7 years

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Acceptance and Stuff

So I had this thought recently. . .

I think that anyone who has ever known that “something is wrong” (in any capacity) can tell you that there is a freedom and a relief that comes with finally knowing what it is…even when it’s not something we like. This can be true of being given the right diagnosis, finally, of finding out what’s bothering a friend, why your partner is acting weird, why your boss wanted to talk to you, etc etc etc. Limbo sucks. Not knowing how to proceed sucks.

In short, not knowing sucks.

For a long time – more than five years – I have had moments of deep, dark, all-consuming self-hatred as I failed to live up to my own standards and expectations again and again. Why was it that I would get a good job (well paying, “normal” hours, socially acceptable, etc), yet after a few months I would start finding it impossible to go in? Why would I call in sick when I wasn’t sick? But I did feel tired and upset and anxious, so maybe I really was sick. . .maybe if I just slept for today, I would be better tomorrow. Maybe I need a Monday to Friday, 9-5 gig like normal people have. Maybe I needed something more artistically stimulating. Maybe I needed something that paid better. Maybe I needed something more intellectually stimulating.

Maybe I needed something more fun. More corporate and refreshingly sterile and not messy. But then where’s the heart? More predictable. More changeable. More challenging. Easier. Less bitchy women who have nothing to do but gossip and backstab. More guys. Less boys. No coworkers. More young coworkers. More mature coworkers. Maybe I needed to get away from that guy I slept with. My boyfriend’s ex who glares at me. All the drama. Whatever.

Yet whatever I chose, whatever I changed, nothing stuck. I always got bored. Restless. Anxious. Afraid. So I could never save any money, so I could never do any of the “big” things I wanted to do in my 20′s. Get more tattoos. Travel overseas. Get a car. Take riding lessons. Live in the country. Get a dog. Get a horse. Get my own house on a handful of acres in the foothills. A grand piano.

And I must say, when I finally just exhaled and said to myself, “I have a disease,” there was a huge feeling of relief. So many of the questions that had previously been swarming in my head were finally stilled. Why haven’t you gone back to school yet? You’re so smart! (Funny how something seemingly positive can become destructive). Why do you work such menial jobs, when you have so much potential? All your friends have houses and condos and kids and dogs and cars and careers…why don’t you? You say you want all these things – travel and a horse and a dog and a life in the country with a garden – yet you are no closer now to any of it than you were when you were 19. . .why is that? What’s wrong with you? Why are you such a loser? You know it’s only going to get harder and harder to make something of yourself the older you get, right? You’re just kind of a fuckup, defective. Some people just are, you know. Even though you’re from a good family who had all the support and opportunities in the world, you’re just determined to fail. I don’t know why that is. (This voice in my head was my mother’s, by the way.) But these thoughts finally slowed until they were almost gone.

A radical self-acceptance was dawning, of loving myself just as I am, with no illusions, no expectations to be or do more than felt be-able and doable. To not demand what felt impossible, exhausting, soul-destroying. To not force myself into roles that were self-destructive, to stop trying to be things that just aren’t me. The perfect daughter in my mother’s eyes is not me, because her perception of perfection is terribly skewed. The perfect employee in the average employer’s eye is not me, because I believe in self-care and conscious living, in getting enough sleep and not losing touch with one’s emotions, one’s soul, one’s inner self. I believe in sticking my toes in dandelions, and I really don’t care if my pants get dirt on them, or if I come back from my lunch smelling like horses. The perfect girlfriend in my own estimation for awhile was not me at all, because I am not an ever-flowing fountain that never needs refilling. I may strive to be compassionate, but I am far from perfect, and I have needs, too. I am not a goddess. Well, I sort of am.

So to finally accept my diagnosis was like, at long last, letting go of an incredibly heavy load that was far too much for me to carry. Accepting my limitations, because we all have them. I think when we’re young, we feel like we don’t have any, we feel like our generation will be the generation to change things, finally! That’s at least how I felt after high school…that our ideals and passions would change the world for the better, that society would become more human and less money-driven, that compassion and passion would gain respect and importance in the collective consciousness, and money and corporate bullshit and toxic lifestyles less so. That people would start to seek true happiness and not settle for the lies fed to them by society, by each other. I thought it would be radical and sudden and dramatic. Yet entering my 30′s, I see things differently now. There will always be people who conform to the rigid parameters that have been laid out for them already, people who will pour themselves into whatever mould they’re told is the “right one”, and not question. But then there are the people who question the accepted reality, the status quo. They don’t just swallow whatever they’re given – they think. They question. They don’t accept indifference, cruelty, ignorance and unhealthiness just because they are the norm. They strive to break free of those chains. They struggle to get past mere survival to thrive. They seek balance – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. And those are the people who are, to me, lights in the darkness, shapes and colour in the gray. And they, too, have been around forever, struggling against the dark in their own small or large ways. Every generation is bringing something new to the table, and it’s exciting to watch, and humbling to realize that my generation is no longer the new one coming out into the world. I equate it to the Aboriginal teaching of the medicine wheel. Each direction – east, south, west, north – all represent a different aspect of life. Childhood, adolescence, adulthood, elderhood. Spring, summer, fall, winter. White, red, blue, black. The teachings go on and on. And sure, maybe you’re having a blast in the east, but the time comes – and you feel it inside – when the wheel is turning, and you’re being pushed out, into the south. And you can’t do anything about it. You can deny that it’s happening and pretend you’re still there, but you won’t fool anyone. And we’ve all seen people who do this. The sixty year old woman at the bar dressed like a teenager, grinding on the dance floor and trying to pick up the freaked out bus boy. The elderly man who denies he has any health issues.

But. . .here’s the thing. Looking back, if I had been diagnosed when the depression actually started, when I was around fourteen, and I had accepted the news graciously and come to terms with the limitations of the disease so early on. . .would I still have done all the cool things that did in high school and my 20′s? Acted in plays all through high school? Went to drama camp? Flew to bc when I was 17 and lived out of my backpack for a year and a half? Hitch hiked all over the province? Lived in a cabin in the woods with no electricity or running water? Protested clearcutting? Lived in my tent? Worked in so many cool places? Lived in so many cool places? Took up karate, snowboarding, started relearning piano, fine-tuning my horseback riding skills? Dared to dream of working with horses one day, of writing a book, of playing music onstage? Because the thing is, with accepting this disease as part of my reality, I have lost so much hope. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the consistently balanced mood or the energy to go to school, or have a career where I have to be “on” for hours at a time. To be honest, the future looks pretty fucking bleak to me right now, and sometimes the thought of dying makes me feel relief, or at best spawns nothing but indifference in me. Because all those cool things I did were always tempered with anxiety, fear, and paralyzing confusion and pain, which is why there has never been any consistency in my life. Nothing flows for very long; it always collapses. And I guess I know that, if I didn’t have this bullshit disease, I would have already accomplished so much in my life, and would just keep going, growing, exploring, learning. . .I would be a force to be reckoned with, instead of a crippled girl. . .stuck. I can only accept so much. It’s the nature of all living things to fight for our lives when they’re threatened, so as long as I’m here, I can’t give up the hope that one day, things will be better than this emptiness that is all I have right now. But am I just deluding myself? It’s said that when people are in life threatening situations, they will cling to any hope to keep going. . .even when they know that hope is delusion.

#acceptance andstuff

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