#maybe im a bit paranoid

[littlelightfish]

The hearts don't mean he is in love with no one. The problem with English is how vague of the word love is in his meaning. It envolves different kinds of caring in one single word. But I'll try to express here what I mean.

He cares, as a person, about everyone. This is a basic level of love that he haves towards everybody. He doesn't want anyone to actually die, that's what I mean. He doesn't necesarily cares about someone, but he loves them enough to not want them to die.

He starts befriending someone and gets to know it. He starts liking things about them and disliking others. He starts loving this people in another way, we'll call it liking. This is more a get-to-know phase he doesn't always like. The less he knows, the less reasons to get attached get attached he has. I think this are the kind of love the hearts show in the image. He has to make sure to keep a balance between how much he loves and how much he let's himself be loved. He doesn't want to have misunderstandings. He is in constant fear of "what if I made them love me more and they care more?"

And then it comes the deeply care that love is in the non-romantic way. This care a (good) parent has for his babies. The love that makes people suffer emotionally in an absolute different way from what it could be a heartbreak or a misunderstanding between friends. If something happens to the loved one, the pain is unbearable. It's one of the worst things rhat can happen. And Chilchuck knows this, he is father of three daughters, and his wife left him. She left, he knows the pain it is to come home and find it empty when there should be someone. He knows the guilt it comes with failing those loved ones. The shame. He doesn't like being this vulnerable. This love makes him suffer like no other does. So he is very very carefull of how much he allows himself to care about someone so he won't get to love like this.

He draws a line between work and private life because his private life envolves love and deep care, and he doesn't want to love nor care like this for people who's job is to constantly risk their lifes. He doesn't want to feel the anguish, he doesn't want to feel the loneliness it will come after the unenviable separation of the party.

He tries his best to not get attached to people. To not let people get attached to him. But he fails. He fails and falls downstairs with a whole drum set.

He can't help but to care about this people. He can't help but to love this people he's been living with the past few weeks in the risking of their lifes. He tells himself he's doing this for money and that he doesn't care, but he does.

Those hearts don't mean anything other than him caring about them. He cares about Senshi. He cares about Marcille. He cares about Laios. About Itsuzumi. About Namari. He cares in a way that hurts. He loves this people. He doesn't want to even imagine a world in where they are gone, or suffering, or in problems. They're his friends, they're something he, unwillingly, accepts as family.

He cares about Falin and Mickbell because he doesn't want them dead. He doesn't feel any anguish toward if they do or not get hurt after they're out of his sight. Sure, he cares, but he can live without thinking about them the rest of his days. It doesn't happen like that with Laios. He can't just simply let Laios go and follow Fallin just after he recover consciousness from a punch in the gut. Was it Mickbell, he would let him if he really didn't wanted. But Laios didn't wanted to sit and wait, and he had to care. He had to verbalize to himself that he cared. He had to let them know, so they would act accordingly. So they won't get themselves killed like idiots.

He doesn't want others to fall in romantic love with him. He doesn't feel romantic love towards anyone either. He isn't the man for this kind of love. He is, in fact, afraid of it. He doesn't want to fall in love, because he's still in love with his wife. She left him because he was negligent. But since when has this become the definitive stop for love? Chilchuck knows his wife is angry at him, and she has all the reason to be so! His husband, the one she loved and cared for, gets himself in dangerous situations, treats his body poorly and almost never is home. She loves him, and it hurts her to love like this, so she leaves. Like this she won't have to look at him get himself mistreated like he does. She would have the pull in her's stomach that tells her that he could be in great danger, that she could become a widow, but she tries to calm it with his daughter's mail to him. He could never. He can't imagine a world in wich they cease to exist. A world without his wife, even if she distanced herself, without his daughters, would be a world worthless of living. He knows this. Because he cares and he loves in such a deep level that he is scared of loving anyone else like this. To become so vulnerable to emotion. This vulnerable to something bad happening.

The fact that he is so afraid of loosing his wife, even after she left him, says a lot. He still cares about her. He is still in love with her. He wants to go back to what it was before, but he can't and he know its his fault. And he respects his wife's distance because he loves her. Now, he doesn't love her in the movie way, he isnt in love like a teenager would to his first girlfriend, he doesn't want to kiss her, or hug her, or be by her side at all moments of the day. He loves her. He cares about her deeply, deeply enough that he doesn't need to be by her side to care, to love. He also respects her. He can survive without her because he knows she's better with his daughter. For sure he wants to hug, kiss and be by the side of this person he loves, it would be ideal, but he can survive without thinking about it too much. It's just like with his daughters. They're all adults that now live far from him. And he is ok with it now. He sends mail and recieves mail, and even if he misses greatly, he can manage not to think about it. Because he knows she is allright. Because he knows he fucked up. He doesn't know where he fuked up, but for his wife to leave him, at least he knows he did. They never talked about it, because they both seem to have a problem in expressing themselves. She fell into a bad mood and then she disappeared. The amount of pain he must have felt it's... let's say it's quite big.

He keeps his guard up. He doesn't want to love deeply anyone. He doesn't want to feel the emptiness, the hurt, that comes after someone so dear leaves. He knows for a fact he'll be leaving this people. He knows that they could die. If he loves, it will hurt in a way nothing else hurts. He will miss. He doesn't like missing people he cares like this. This is why he doesn't want to love. This is why he doesn't want to be loved. This is why those hearts that are almost full are his main source of concern. This is why he makes the effort to keep this feelings at bay, to love only in the friendly way and with extreme caution.

But he can't controll his own love. And he ends up caring more and more about these people. He slowly makes him a part of the dangerous love zone that family means. He is afraid to confuse someone about his feelings towards them, so he still tries to maintain distance with his abusive remarks, but this only works so far. He loves and is loved. And because of this he will suffer.

I... I extended myself a bit I see...

#i dont even know what im talking about anymore #but i hope i made sense #as an aroace i feel the need of being extra cautious about how people think of my relationship with them #because I dont want them to like me romantically #i want friendship #because its so uncomfortablr #not #love #so this Chil here is basically me trying to figure out if saying certain things could be considered flirting or not by the other #i shouldnt care #it isnt my fault if they do fall in love with me #but i would be happier if they didnt #to know someone is in love wirh you #and that you dont love him back #but youre still friends #so youre friends but the other wants to be more than that #and to avoid that i gotta measure every interaction #maybe im a bit paranoid #but it has happened to me to have friends fall in love with me #and i dont want to hurt their feelongs but i definitely dont lovs rhem bacj #because i care abkut them in a friendly way #and i don't want them to suffer because of me. but I dont want to suffer because of them either #its all way to complicated? yes bit thing is that chil here represents me interacting with my friends #but in my case the hearts would be romantic #dungeon meshi #chilchuck #chilchuck tims #delicious in dungeon #dungeon meshi spoilers #my shit

[robotsafari]

i havent even watched legacy yet but that fucking kh world did some.. unexpected things to me

#beep boop you want fries with that #kingdom hearts #re:ddd #sora #quorra #tron #riku #was trying to redesign rinzler’s helmet bc god. its. kinda fucking boring. leaning into the beast more #also teh helmets eyes are supposed to look angry when its down and sad when its up. bwaaa #i heard rinzler acts like a cat. thats soemthing to look forward to when i watch the movie. grins. #the three dots are supposed to be the classic t. btw. #theres four you just cant see the last one. #made sora look more liek his space paranoids look because he needs to retain the 80s swag. #this reads like a change log. #and my good friend quorra. idk if i’ve even posted that redesign b4. #yes im making her quote the ur my pockets eddie post #i think she needs to chew on things. maybe she should maul clu with her fucking teeth. #shes so unorthadox girl to me. do you see my vision. #also dw about riku falling or paralelling tron or anything hes fiiine. #speaking of the falling art. its old. so its inaccurate to how i draw riku now #before my brain was huge basically. #its so funny how i drew this much art for legacy like. i love tron 1982. i havent watched legacy yet but i feel like im gonna hate it. #the kh world was okay but it had a lot of potential and. uh. made me a BIT insane at the last part in sora’s story (EXPLODES) #also this post is tagged re:ddd for. reasons. dw about it. #ANYWAY GN ITS 1 AM. RUNS AT MACH SPEED.

[anxiously-sidequesting]

so another thing about malorn and malistaire being parallels i just thought about. does anyone who knows a lot about malistaire know if it was addressed how he treated his students during the course of Malistaire's decline? like, im under the impression that this was a gradual change and that malistaire still more or less kept his job as a professor before he destroyed the death school, did his relationships with his students change at all? im asking this because i know Zero things about malistaire (im booed off the stage) and if im right about my hunch on how malistaire's reputation as a teacher was affected then i can clearly see how malorn's would play out if he was going down the same path. im genuinely asking here, Malistaire Enthusiasts, assemble like the Avengers and help me out with this one

#i gotta stop speaking malistaire's name when my knowledge of him is outdated and surface level JELEJWOAJ #why am i analyzing him if i know nothing about him. thats kinda goofy #but yeah expanding on evil malorn i kinda feel like maybe he would keep just a snidge of his personality? #like even though his morals have changed a bit. that complicated “split” part of him is still there. #he feels one way but believes another. he genuinely cares for his atudents while he believes he and others are beyond redemption #hence the 'split' part. on instinct he checks on his students when he shows up to work but is still paranoid about their intentions #(whether or not they'll turn on him like duncan and ambrose is what i mean) #in contrats to malistaire who SEEMS like h just loses himself in his insanity. malorn just falls deeper into the issues he already had #why am i saying 'contrast' in a parallel situation. do i even know what im talking about????? #wizard101 #wiz101 #w101 #text posts #malorn ashthorn #malistaire drake

[synthshenanigans]

Continuing from my last post bout Mind, we also need to talk more about how paranoid & untrusting/second-guessing your mind can be cause i think its very interesting

#as somone whos way too paranoid for its own good i like seeing it portrayed into mind #im not projecting you are shush #but like especially the way he sometimes assumes heart is lying or doing thing for attention/pity #cause its like when your brain would tell those things #or maybe thats just my mental illness talking #also not trying to paint heart as innocent here this was just a mind post #heart can also be a bit self centered or the whole claiming to be the victim thing #but also thats not bashing heart either i love the guy too #this is just me looking at some lyrics and how the characters operate and going #“omg hes just like me fr fr” and projecting #none of them are okay and its fun to characterize the reasons why #heart always claims to be the victim mind thinks hes better off without the rest & souls answer to the problem is to off everyone/himself #all bad thoughts but to heal we must take funny lil guys and make them sad #and project said feelings & thoughts unto them #okay im realizing a main reason i like hms/cjs music is i might relate to it too much #im fine i swear #i haven't even talked about the fact i like his two wuv hokum all ye faithful & hallelujah covers a lil too much #i need a cj's music trauma bingo card/j #okay rant over #chonny jash #cj mind

[sotogalmo]

8:13

I don't like talks bout genders ..... Weird .. am just a being or a thing ...

You say "woman" for me?? ... Wereid....

Others arre weird too .. but, not too weird ..

I don't wanna listen to them, I don't like my body

Why was I born?? ,,, all I do is whine and cry .. mommy isn't always around ... and no one listens to me. Mommy is too focus on herself and work ... not relly thinking of me

Also .. also I know lots of Micheals ... Mommy's husband is named Micheal. Then we have characters named Micheal

#time diary(?) #audrey/kellie's time diary #rant #small ish vent #i dont like myself #i dont like my body #the back of my head hurts ... #feels like someone bit me from behind my head (i don't like it) #funny #cc kinshift #i think ?? whenever im in little space i cry more and i just normally feel very connected to him #<- oh . also. i think whenever in little space n stuffs i feel more paranoid n frighten ... maybe thats just the paranoia tho

[j-ellyfish]

Grandpa Rome or Germania

I do feel like Germania is a little bit overshadowed by Rome and unjustly so, because he actually has pretty cool moments and lines in the manga, but alas, I'm an Ancient Rome descendant girlie and the idea of Rome talking Italian with a modern day Roman accent roams freely in my mind and he'd be such a fun guy to hang around with, too!! So, I'm sorry Germania, but I gotta go with my hot Roman grandpa!! 🙏

#tbh if I wasn't paranoid about DNA tests potentially giving/selling out my entire heritage's genetic ID to third parties #and other Countries #I'd be kinda tempted to take one bc im curious in what percentage I am or I am not Italian #I know I have foreign blood connections from the past but like as human beings we know so little #like typically our knowledge doesn't go further back than maybe 5 generations #I'd commission a heritage history via birth/marriage/death certificates #which is safer bc you aren't selling out DNA samples of yourself and it's easier for Europeans to get something meaningful out of it #since technically we have certificate archives since the Middle Age in many places #I kinda want to but I think it's a bit pricey for a simple itch at least for now #ask game #I probably have some Celtic or Germanic in me considering I am aware of some old relatives coming from North lol

[ev1lmorty]

high likelihood of very bad news on the horizon but im going to just pretend its not approaching

#was freaking tf out abt this same shit last yr so maybe im just pre paranoid n itll work out but #feels a bit too likely this time lolololol <- gonna go restart my rnm rewatch again to cope #n do those rick studies i fell asleep b4 i could #av.txt

[mountain-lion-gremlin]

me sitting here realizing since I've been in the nonhuman community I have held very very dearly to the idea that my stuff can and WILL be saved for some stranger to dig up and be horrible to me later ;-;

Like this has stopped me from saying some really dumb shit and getting incredibly offended when i was younger over whatever. Thank you imaginary future haters that have saved my furry tail from making a fool out of myself 🤝🤝🤝

#this will age amazingly #sarcasm #but seriously like #you have no idea what is going to happen in the future #i don't want some future hater looking to take me down to find the old stuff I've said that was stupid and dumb #tbh I don't know why nobody else thinks this way #like once it's out there it's out there forever #you never know if someone screenshotted it in that 10 minutes it was up before you deleted it #you would be shocked #maybe im paranoid #but it keeps me from being mean online to people #I would pass away if crap i said bit me in the butt later 💀💀💀 #especially since I can't just lash out at people because of the injustices I see #like I've been pissed off at this one person for years now but I'm not going to be pasting what I thinking everywhere #most likely I'll vent irl or in private dms with people I trust #its not really the whole internets business about what I do and say in private 🤠✨️ #anyways

[pipcoded]

i try really hard to pretend that nothing gets to me and that i don’t have any triggers for someone with ptsd and severe ocd that gets triggered pretty easily over very mundane things

#part of me is just paranoid that im a puritan because i can’t handle the idea of noncon sometimes #even though im a csa survivor…. #idk maybe i should start trying to be nicer to myself even if it means letting myself be a little bit of a prude

[hailtotheskull]

-

#im gonna ramble a bit abt past stuff feel free to disregard #but it's like. weird to openly and outwardly be into db again #cuz the last time i was it was when i knew. bad people who were bad for me #and 1 im scared those people are also still active in fan circles and id rather avoid that even though my identity is like fully different #now than it was back then #and 2 im scared people might still associate me with those people. idk. maybe i'm being overly paranoid #maybe me saying anything is in itself a bad idea because it gives the idea that hey maybe shes this person from way back when #idk. oh well! maybe i'll die.

[eliias-bouchard]

If you got stuck in a lift with any tma character, who would you want it to be?

jon or elias no question

#s1 jon too stuffy to say or do anything otehr than comment on how inconvenient this is #at no point would elias eyebeam me if i was just hanging out in a lift with him #id have to intentionally annoy him. a lot #hed maybe be a bit weird to try and get a little snack out of me or just to amuse himself but thats fine #s2 jon too paranoid to givea fuck #s3 jon too sad to give a fuck #s4 jon too sad to givea fuck #s5 jon too eyes to give a fuck #so theyer my top choices #i think martin would keep talking and itd get really awkward #s1 tim would be fine but s2/3 tim would not #like ok. there are plenty of other characters who are good choices but jon and elias are my top choices because theyre all around good #choices like s4 melanie i DONT want to be in a lift with same with daisy and basira #georgie would be fine #anyway im rambling #answered asks #i swear i had a mutuals tag lying around here somewhere

[todayisafridaynight]

ok game’s done how we all feelin

#is this spoilers. #i guess i'll do spoiler talk down here #spoilers #ishin spoilers #snap chats #i beat the game like an hour ago ive just been getting screenshots now #dont yell at me for playing on normal i always play on normal first just to get through the game #time is a valuable resource and this week i do not got it im tryna ZOOM #i put my game on the lowest settings again for the last bit cause i was paranoid and i didnt wanna do everything again #and when i say everything. dawg im not doing three mini bosses again shut up #its almost 2AM im tired and i have to deal with my mom tomorrow im tryna get this done !!!!! #but what are my closing thoughts hmmm #yeah it was fun :) #the combo system made me think of bayonetta but thats just cause i have a one track mind #it was fun being able to switch betwen the style- i found that swordmaster and wild dance were the most useful #i liked brawler too but gun just. wasnt for me #maybe its cause i never bothered crafting specific bullets but anyways #the ending of the game was so ???? like im just baffled that takechi 180'd so fast like OK. #also love how we never know what happens to katsu. honestly i thought he was supposed to get killed in this game but ??? #we never see him again- not even mentioned #which is ?? since he seemed like. VAGUELY important but w/e w/e he prob tripped and died somewhere #i wish we got to see the rest of the shinsengumi boys and what they were up to now that the country's saved #but i guess this was Ryoma Sakamoto's Story so i'll manage #jesus christ my screenshots folder though. it is just pictures of mine #he's just so pretty in this game... i wish my screen recorder didnt suck i would start working on that Hijikata Scenes video already #oh well i'll figure something out #i loved the buyo minigame in this its so fun- i wish there were more songs tho #theres prob a lot of stuff i havent checked out but for the time being ima call it there with ishin #it was def worth the wait im so glad i went with the early-access option #i will now wait patiently for modders to make it so that i can play as hijikata and then i can make him do the buyo dance

[ikyw-t]

I do relate to olivia rodrigo in some ways for example I did have nightmares each week (every day for months) after that phone call in may (march). I fantasize (once every other blue moon) about a time where you're a little fucking sorry. except I do not hold my undying love (there is not even an iota of love, if there ever was) like a grudge and also I will never ever forgive bc you were indeed filled with vitriol. and unfortunately I also cannot let it go. it was six months (three years) of torture. I did NOT love you truly and I cannot laugh at the stupidity. I may have made some real big mistakes but you do indeed make the worst one look fine. like..............

#sorry i know this is cringe and something i should just journal about #ive just had a very shitty day and also kinda week #ive just been tired and lethargic for no clear reason for the past five days and it's very frustrating #bc i have homework due tomorrow that ive barely made any progress on #and i kinda rly need an A in this class to maintain my gpa. so if one bad week means i tank this assignment and get a B in this class #oh dread. unspeakable unsurmountable dread #also i went on a walk in the park w my mom which i haven't done in a bit and i just was unable to stop thinking #about my high school demon of a boyfriend who lives nearby. altho he literally never goes outside i sometimes get rly freaked out #and panicky that i might see him and have to deal with him again. like he did call (AND TEXT?!?🤢) me last march #and i was having nightmares for months after and feeling so paranoid that he might randomly show up at my house one day #bc that's the kind of shit he used to do regularly when we were dating to keep me from breaking up w him #and like ughhhhhhhhhh it just makes me so upset bc he literally would have the audacity. #it's just upsetting. i am soooo nonviolent as a person but when i think of him i suddenly feel not very nonviolent #again my apologies i know this should be journaled about instead. sorry u had to see all this #feel free not to read these tags like this is just for me. apologies. #while im here some other songs that make me think of him include would've could've should've. atw10 but only the terrible parts #uhh better by myself by hey violet is incredibly on the nose #also it's actually just a rly great song. also get out of my life by little hurt. okay im done now. #gonna go find something funny and cute to watch. maybe little witch academia. #sorry if u read all this 😵‍💫

[matamisin]

Against my own will, I haven't seen the afternoon in a week

#I CANT KICK THIS JET LAG AUGSHSKDBX #it was so easy adjusting when i was at the philippines like two days max i was already good #HERE THO??? I AM A SLEEPY GIRL #once the clock strikes 2 PM i blink and suddenly im all swaddled up in bed and its fucking 10 PM AAJSJDHDJ #i wont lie i only like it bc that means i get to see sunrises 🤭🤭🤭 #BUT I CANST STAY LIKE THIS #EVERYONE ELSE HAS ADJUSTED LIKE NORMAL AND IM OVER HERE BEING A NIGHT OWL LOL #im gonna try to draw tonight ehehehe might as well #the only thing about being the only one up at night is im trying to vibe downstairs by myself right?? #and its a vibe dont get me wrong #however i am what the young people call extremely paranoid #so i carry an emotional support knife around as i watch my silly modern families and scroll and tikkytok #if i at least had my 3 big akitas with me id feel a little bit less ummmm like i need to be on guard #but they go up to bed with my parents every night 😞😞🥲 #i tried drawing last night and i doodled a genya but that was all i could muster :( #so maybe DS isnt the best thing for my art block right now 🤔🤔 #but idk if im feeling SDV 😩 #once i fall for 2 ✌️ sibling-like characters that would die for each other and are like a gold mine for angst i am GONE from everything else #its funny cause ive liked DS for about 3 years but when i first got into it i just COULD NOT get into making fanart #and even tho i loved the charas i was like nahhh none of them are hiting the right chord for me to full on hyperfixate and build my own aus #but i got back into it a bit ago cause i was like alright if the world insists i read the manga thru for the 4th time WHO AM I TO SAY NO LOL #AND SUDDENLY THE SHINAZUGAWAS CAPTURED MY HEART AND THEYVE BEEN ON MY MIND EVER SINCE #HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND TILL MY 4TH REREAD #🤔🤔 hmm maybe its cause we finally got to see genya in action with the 3rd season #they did him so right bros i LOVE HIM HE IS MY SON #anyways thats all for now #gonna go get comfy and make my nest on the couch to try to draw again >:)

[sakurasnowsong]

12, 14, 15

12. Show your favourite drawing from this year

oooh this is a tough one... i think all i've done so far this year is character designs so it feels a bit like choosing a favorite... (is it a cop out if i stick all of them here XD I was gonna wait until i had the whole group done before posting them but I guess you all can have a lil halfwayish preview)

14. How has your art changed over the years?

' - ' ...... ' - ' wedon'ttalkaboutoldart Uuuuh, its just generally gotten better I guess? I ditched lines which was the best decision i have ever made. Started adding more detail. Maybe too much detail. Not really over the years, but just more recently i've been trying new things so maybe it'll change again soon.

15. Biggest artist pet peeve?

Hmmm. Well, in my own art, I can't stand it when something doesn't look right to the point where if i notice something wrong on a finished thing, i will go back and fix it even if it means recoloring and shading something. This annoys me greatly. Why can't i just let things go. Probably no one else would even have noticed. I unfortunately have double standards tho, and anything anyone else does is fine. Sooo... perfectionism I guess?

(its also annoying when i'm just trying to quickly sketch something to get an idea down and i start really focusing on making it look right, as if it's finished lineart and not a quick sketch and at least half the time, this results in me not finishing the sketch, leaving the design in my head to possibly be forgotten.)

#thanks for the ask! #apparently i make posts now #when i finish the set of ocs #im gonna post em here with their names and maybe a bit of info #....and by here i mean my art blog or even more hidden oc blog because im paranoid about people not wanting to see it #and trying to take up as little space as possible in existence o -o #anyways..... uh. feel free to ask about them anyway if u want #I know u (Liyu) have seen and heard about them all already but

[papus-clown-enclosure]

Finally got around to redressing my Ginger doll and putting her hair back in pigtails, i love her sm she is now displayed on some random stand i had up. Also got around to redressing my double of Zooey that i had gotten idk how long ago, i had to wash her hair, and i decided to give her diff shoes and Harley's jeans. Idk i just wasnt to big of a fan of her skirt matching her skin tone. And now she sits near me.

Also did dishes, and am back to trying to do some hw.

I feel slightly productive today.

Damn i wonder if i'll have time to wash a diff doll.

#i have so much hw/class work #papuka rambles #only took a very short nap this morning maybe less than 30 #bc i had woken up at 1 something am and then stayed up #i did do some hw #and i tried to sleep after eating earlier today but i couldn't #so now im like now what #i mean i could do the laundry but im in a slightly tired and 'paranoid' idk what to call it not mood like headspace #like what i would usually feel at 3am back when i used to feel like that past 2am and maybe #was lowkey scared of sleeping by myself like a wee bit #anyways i have my monster i didnt drink yesterday #i really dont know how to describe it #like indont actively feel anxious #but the head feels a tiny bit odd #the silence isnt helping #i hate that this area is so fucking silent like i cant even hear the landscape(?)/maintaince workers today #its missing our shitty old apt hours where there was some sort of noise at all hours basically