#maybe the work isn't worth it.

[capfalcon]

reminder that u don't have to suffer through love and that even if someone loves you that doesn't give them any right to treat u like shit

#this is me @ my family and people who talk about my family #but it's also very general. #like if ur relationship feels like hard work #maybe break up?? it's supposed to be benefical to u. ur not supposed to come home from work and have to do more work with someone #who you're supposed to love. #like im not saying relationships (of any nature) don't take SOME work #but if it feels like a burden or a struggle or a slog then.... #maybe the work isn't worth it. #like this whole argument of 'your abusive (insert relationship) loves you!' #so???? lots of people love me #it doesn't give them the right to be shitty to me #and just cuz someone meant well doesn't mean they're free from consequence #jordan talks

[coquelicoq]

when you're the only person who keeps living through the time loop, the people around you cease to be people and become mere characters. your treatment of them doesn't matter because they're not real and they won't remember. the only way to give anything meaning is to end the loop; their actions don't affect the loop and therefore are meaningless. you're the only one who has the ability to change the future, so anything you do in service of that goal is justified.

but. kim dojka looks at yoo joonghyuk and says no, actually, these characters are people. whether they remember or not is beside the point because they are real right now. and you don't give your life meaning by achieving some accomplishment that retroactively makes everything that came before worth it - you give your life meaning in the living of it.

#'meaning' isn't a reward you get for clearing a scenario...it's something you actively create every day as you make a life #kim dokja: it's WORTH IT! i know it's worth it because we are making it worth it!!!!! #ohhhhh waoaohhohh getting a transmission to my brain...suddenly feeling the urge to rewatch palm springs (2020) #time loop fiction is sooo fucking potent like ok you can read about this person who alone out of everyone has agency #thereby alienating them from all their fellow creatures...but watch out #orv #time travel #agency #existentialism #kdj #yjh #omniscient reader's viewpoint #my posts #f #also the fact that it's kim dokja - the 'reader' - who's creating meaning...sorry excuse me. there is something in my eye. #and this is coming from the guy who is very much committed to reaching the end of the scenarios! that is very much his goal #and what he's working toward. but the meantime is not something to get through. it's life and he's choosing to live it #he's like maybe this is fiction maybe we're all characters but it doesn't matter because the story is real to the people living it #his whole thing is that he refuses the idea that the story is unchangeable. he refuses the lack of agency #he's like well i will just make my own story. i will make my own meaning #and if there's some author out there that i'm the character of well good luck keeping up with me. mwah

[throttlegainwell]

Thinking about that fine line Jonathan walks re: Lonnie's impact on Will. Wanting to insulate Will from Lonnie's rejection and soften that blow as much as he's able, but not wanting to give him false hope and feed a dangerous fantasy where Lonnie has a place in his life.

Because who wants to look into those big, sad eyes and tell their little brother that Dad doesn't love him? That he will never care, and that Will is nothing to him. But he also wants Will to be prepared, and he doesn't want to lie to him. He respects this kid and he wants to impress that upon him--the world may not, but Jonathan will always respect his intelligence and ability to think for himself, and he will nurture that, would never hamper it even supposedly for Will's own good.

So he makes it about conformity. There's a life lesson in that. It's not just that Dad doesn't give a shit--it's that Will should be true to himself because fuck everyone who doesn't see it that way.

#jonathan byers #will byers #stranger things #i dunno jonathan knows that lonnie sucks and i think it's hard for him to see will pining for this horrible person #(or more like the idea of him maybe--the chalk outline of fatherhood that he represents) #who's damaged jonathan so deeply but more importantly (to him) hurt everyone he cares about and left so much wreckage in his wake #so there's a part of him that wants to prepare will & build up that armor the way that jonathan has for himself #and that's gotta be a tough instinct to supress (because lonnie has instilled so deeply in jonathan that the world is a dangerous place) #but he never ever *ever* wants to strip will of his innocence and hope so he knows he can't #and that's the narrow set of parameters he's working with #don't tell will that dad doesn't give a shit about him (but if he figures it out on his own then be there for him and don't deny it) #don't tell him dad's a piece of shit & not worth it--just redirect until will realizes that he doesn't have to care #all the while he's thinking #'no he doesn't love you but so many people do and so many will' #wishing with all his heart that that would be enough #he's so careful how he talks to him--because the truth isn't kind but jonathan can be #child abandonment tw

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops. #and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can! #and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol #finn's ocs #finn's art #i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me #and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun #i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here: #barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past #he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it #he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned #which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them #they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore #but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird #and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place #though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library #and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together #since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door #eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement #barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time. #barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate #but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd #he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself #but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done. #and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies. #and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them) #and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances'' #from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov #sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3 #but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh

[shiawasekai]

Act 1 vs. Act 5

Extremely simple, but it should fullfill its purpose.

#pwotr pals #pwotr #pathfinder wrath of the righteous #wrath of the righteous #wotr commander #path of the angel #oc: nela damasio #As i mentioned before #despite being an aasimar and all mythics powers did change her appearance beyond the halo and wings #also it's this some form of masochism? To post twice the same day? #maybe probably #but i was done with it (i could keep working on the color but the differences i wanted to showcase were already visible so eh) #and it isn't quite high effort enough to be worth waiting it out to notice and fix mistakes #sorry everyone for spamming the tags i guess

[just--vi]

of all the things in the world i think grad school is going to be the thing to kill me.

#who said working full time and finihsing this fucking PHD WAS WORTH IT #it isn't #i feel like dying maybe i am dying #i can't feel my fingers

[no-brain-just-akutagawa]

Having Dazai as my icon once again feels so nostalgic

#for context: dazai used to be my icon when I first created this account #so it's like going back to the beginning shshdhdj #I'm cheating on ryuu once again but this frame of dazai is stunning and I simply had to make it my new icon #sorry for no chapter meme but this ch was so short and I was having so much fun irl it didn't work out hshdhdjs #I'm thinking about making a barbie dazai meme but I feel like it's too late now #or maybe it isn't #it's never too late for a barbie meme I suppose #I'm so out of the loop recently but it's totally worth it

[fruitsyrups]

Random yes but thank u for making that frusan art awhile ago it's adorable and i love seeing more art of this underappreciated ship :D!!!

ahhh thank you!!! frusan is so underrated FOR REAL, i guess it's probably because after Islands they all but disappeared (like i think they were only shown twice after that and that's including in Fionna & Cake (which i actually missed when i watched it bc its such a brief glimpse)) but like. still. I actually have a little idea for another frusan drawing (frieda and susan talking on a roof grown-up edition) but I have to break up the dialogue into parts & think of more Susan Reactions so it's not just Frieda monologuing at her lol

#frieda is such a compelling character to me augh because seriously living on the islands sounds like. idk. scary in an existential way #like if I lived on that tiny(?) island always with the same people and didn't have hope that I would maybe someday get to explore someplace #new and meet new people. i would explode i think. #and frieda HAS hope & the drive to follow through with it #but then susan goes robo-mode and like surely any hope is just GONE after that #thats such a crazy interesting dynamic can't believe everyone else on earth isn't also insane about this #obviously it's not susan's fault that she went robo-mode but it's still recieved as a betrayal yk. so sad :( #and then susan went after finn & they probably all assumed she was dead #AHHH??? i can't even imagine how that would have felt for frieda?? like imagine you're trying to get off the islands and your favourite #person won't go with you but she helps you. but then she betrays you (not her fault but yk) and then (i'm assuming its not even that long #after) she's sent off the islands and she goes willingly #like wowww way to rub salt in the wound susan omg (i love susan this is not susan negativity) #my little angsty hc about that is like. frieda still holds a little bit of resentment towards her for what happened but she knows she #shouldn't because what if susan was right? what if she left the islands and it wasn't safe and she DIED? #but then also what if she isn't? what if she just left and it wasn't worth coming back? what if frieda wasn't worth coming back for? yanno #stuff like that. AGHHH hhh i love frieda #and then they go adventuring together and work it out and kiss on the mouth #uhhh i'll stop myself there before i write a whole essay in the tags (or maybe i already have ahahah...) but yeah. i love frusan :3

[urfavesarelesbian]

everyone is (rightfully) criticizing watcher for putting their content behind a paywall but i also think a reason watcher is generally less successful is bc they are trying so hard to make it a brand. when the reality is people loved buzzfeed unsolved bc of ryan and shane's banter and personalities.

#like even in recent days i only enjoy maybe 1/4 of the video series they put out #bc so much of it doesn't really show off ryan and shane's personalities or entertainment value like old unsolved #the only series i really LOVE is puppet history #which is wild bc in theory it doesn't seem like it would be the channel's selling point at all #but i feel like it works the best bc you can TELL the passion that goes into it and see shane's enthusiasm #but random food videos ?? them reading off tumblr asks drunk?? #not intolerable content just not worth $6 per month #anyways. sorry for going off about a topic my blog isn't even about. do you still think i'm sexy. #aj.txt

[taegularities]

...

#i feel so insecure here sometimes.. like i know you guys see that too #like ill post smth or ask smth and then feel discouraged when i don't get a response #and then i feel so stupid.. but ive been realising how so many here have been feeling that way #bc tumblr changed so much and so many ppl left and every author and creator is suddenly feeling insecure about themselves #and thinking it's their fault or that their content isn't good anymore #anyways thank you to everyone who's still here and supporting my stuff.. whenever i feel down you guys show me that my work's still #worth consuming #and that im appreciated here as a person too #@ mutuals.. i think to bring back a bit of what tumblr used to be we need to support each other too #bc :( i love my mutuals but i also noticed that only a v small number of ppl signal boosts each other's stuff or supports one another #like only a few of my moots read my stuff or talk to me at all and sometimes it gets so lonely #but im one of those who should actively make an effort to support moots too!! #some blogs support all their moots and im like ugh that's so nice #or maybe it's me and you guys just don't like me LOL no but seriously #we don't even have to read each other's stuff i think.. even boosting fics goes a long way tbh #it'd be so nice if we could do this for each other.. yk? gotta bring back the 2021 community feel fr i miss it #ugh so many ppl left lol we're all we've got y'all!! #tdl maybe

[thecollapsingneutrino]

How do people do this career thing. I'm gonna cry

#I don't understand why this is happening to me #I was so sure of path in stem and now I'm so conflicted #how do you choose this thing and why is it so painful #I've had to peel myself just to glimpse at what lies beneath and I DONT UNDERSTAND #why is it so tough #why can't someone just tell me what to do #I literally have body ache thinking about this #and this is all I think about #maybe physics just isn't for me? but I've spent so much of my life in it's service #maybe I was just overcompensating so that I could convince myself that I did love physics when it was just the attention I got from my #family when I was reading that hawking book something that I've always craved. they saw me as somebody worth something finally. I wasn't #the dumb sibling anymore. I was the one with the unconventional career choice? #I was the one who wanted to study physics. the stuff of people's “nightmares” #I was in the 8th grade. How do you recover from that. #who am I?? what do I want??? outside of my family's expectations and impositions??? I've set and worked for this impossible fantasy of me #becoming an astroparticle physicist and I don't think I love it. I wouldn't give myself up for it. I wouldn't sacrifice myself or my friends #or my family for it. maybe I've just been doing well because I've had to work hard. I work harder than all of the other people in my classdo #for a pretty average position #maybe I'm wrong but what if I'm right??? what if I'm going in the wrong direction??

[there-will-be-a-way]

Three days sober and the cravings are getting stronger. Out of fear of impulsively buying alcohol and downing it in a park or something, I only leave the ward together with my roommate - which shows I'm acting responsible I guess.

On the inside I've been thinking about numbing myself like half of every waking hour, though (today). Like discharging myself. Just telling them I'm fine. Nope, I don't have any thoughts about S/I anymore. You can let me go. Or contemplating what would happen if I'd really just go to the store and get fully wrecked. That would cause so much drama. 75% is very keen on not doing it. The other 25% don't care.

Right now I feel like I'll certainly relapse once I'm home. Even want to turn down their offer to take me as a patient for their day clinic (and coming up with excuses for that inside my head). And since I think I'll relapse anyway, waiting another 7-10 days until I'm discharged feels like such a long time.

But my healthy self is still here too, and this self says "Stay here for these 7-10 days. Take this time as a chance to find a reason you want to stay sober for. Talk some more. Reflect on yourself."

The problem is with self worth. I really don't think I'm worth the help and care - especially not the help and care of others. (And yes, logically I know that's not true but my emotions don't care about logic.)

[Typing this to distract myself. Only 1 hour until I can take my sleep meds and tomorrow will be a different day 🤞🏻]

#personal posts #I was honest with my doctor yesterday #and said that I couldn't go to a store rn without buying liquor #and I go to all the group therapy and other appointments #it just feels like I haven't hit rock bottom hard enough though #you know what I mean? #it's been this way with my ED and with my self harm as well #I always knew I had a problem. #and seeked help pretty early on (at least for the s/h) #but in order to develop the high amount of will power you need to stop for real #I had to sink really low #like really low #I had to be utterly frightened #drama had to happen #only then the 'click' happened #with alcohol this click hasn't happened yet and I don't know if I can do it without it #I *thought* it happened when things went out of control #but somehow it didn't scare me badly enough #maybe because my life isn't worth much to me rn #maybe I need to work on that #self worth and finding some kind of purpose #maybe tomorrow I'll text my social worker about it #because I need to trust someone in order to talk about this topic and I haven't developed that kind of trust with the staff here yet #oh well #tw addiction #tw self harm mention #tw Ed mention #tw suicidal ideation mention #and yes I know it's normal to struggle with The Urges #especially since I'm only three days sober lol

[bsaka7]

crazy how watching workout videos makes you want to workout

#ok im not watching a WORKOUT video but there is working out. in the video #i rlly should have gone to runnign club last night...oh well #arsenal made it worth my while!!!! #and maybe ill go on a fun run today. long run tomorrowjfjfjffj. #i actually...don't know how far i'm supposed to run #i've done 2 18s #now under 6wks to the marathon #this week is TECHNICALLY supposed to be a fast half marathon but i did that basically on sunday? #so ig im back on regular long run??? #idk. so maybe 20+ if i'm feeling good 16 if i'm feeling eh. #then next week a little lower depending on what this week is. then 22 the week after? and thats it? #and then it's the cruiseeeeeeeeeee to the race. slash taper. though actually my fatigue isn't crazy rn. #tetrapod runs #i'm doing such a sketchy job training for this race like i'm fit obvi i'm just so not following my plan in any meaningful way #juuuuust long runs

[wild-at-mind]

No offence, but ffs the general strike for Palestine thing being circulated for action this week is literally coming with caveats saying 'if you can't do anything else just don't post on social media about anything but Palestine'.....????????

#at some point it's not a strike any more when people are presenting it to you as not a strike. #look- i think a general strike supporting a ceasefire could make an impact but any kind of strike requires centralised support #e.g. if a community organiser in london who has been planning the large marches put out very clear instructions well in advance #contacted unions etc- maybe are large number of people in the country would actually do it- people here clearly care about Palestine #but literally all of this just ends up being about social media AGAIN. #did we not learn from the BLM black square saga???? social media and especially tumblr is not very useful! #btw the reason why strikes work best through workplaces if because you NEED close social support in order to do them effectively #internet support just isn't the same and it's no wonder so many people are openly saying 'I can't' #i wouldn't either! there would be no point! Sorry to be so blunt #i will 100000% take part in a strike that i am fully prepared for though but i think people should consider how last minute this has been #it's worth noting that there is a lot of guilt here: people feel they cannot do nothing but they cannot afford to strike #(might they have been able to if this was planned in advance? possibly more would have...) #so someone in the west who is not the Palestinian activist who called for the strike added the weird 'just do social media' caveats #they are literally watering down what should have been a very powerful gesture #but they HAVE to do that because they know 99% of people reading will not be equipped to actually strike meaningfully! #and it's the only way to avoid everyone guilt spiralling

[ursulacat]

no torture labyrinth today

#roads are icy I called in to not go to work #it's an unpaid day but the money isn't worth it #maybe I can write some today

[bubblesandpages]

there is so much wrong (entirely purposefully) about Yellowface and the way it’s character’s function—how much can you hate and envy everything about the world that the feeling of being praised and showered in accolades for something that isn’t your work gives you a feeling of accomplishment? How can you care to be a writer if you feel nothing but disappointment and hollow dread whenever you look at your own work? Why would you choose to continue doing that to yourself? Why not escape that and find something that treats you kinder?

#this character's mindset and the worldview of this book are so alien to me #which I'm fairly sure is intentional #but why would anyone choose to operate like this? #why seek out people that make you feel like s**t? why obsess over them and steal their work? #I realize that these lengths aren't anything that the characters in kuang's other books wouldn't go to #but those at the end of the day were fantasy #you expect a certain level of exaggerate #even if no one ever read your work isn't the simple act of being able to express it if only to yourself at the end of the day worth it? #maybe I'm wrong #Fizzy talks #reading #Yellowface #r f kuang