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0aurelion-sol0 · 4 years

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The importance of the number "3" in SNK.

(This is my second meta so please be gentle with me.)

You might think this meta or theory might be a little bit of stretch but I want to do it anyway because I think there is an interesting pattern with this number throughout the series. It is either something something intentional, the favorite number of Isayama or nothing particular.

But I don't so let's get into it.

Trios.

Throughout the series, there has been an important number of groups composed essentially of three people.

They are even right now in the story, three important trios.

The classic one, the E.M.A trio. ( Eren, Mikasa and Armin.)

The veteran trio. ( Hange, Levi, Erwin.)

The warrior trio. (Reiner, Annie, Bertholt.)

And even Jean, Sasha, Connie are a trio.

They essentially all are a big part of SNK and represents each of them, an important of SNK's narrative.

The E.M.A trio is our first and main trio of the series, they represent friendship and even family to some entent in the face of war and conflict. It is also a trio especially built around the relationship about each other. They are also the basis for many of the other trios out there.

The veteran trio is literally about veterans and how they face their responsabilities against war and themselves, they are with the warrior, an extremely tragic trio built around the importance of carrying your dury to respect your fallen comrades even at the expanse your own health. They are essentially a representation of our own veterans who went through war and hell. They are also what the E.M.A trio could become if they become veterans just like them.

The warrior trio. They are a parallel and a mirror of the E.M.A trio. Their relationship aren't the best, they are child soldiers and essentially are a representations of the dangers of war. They are also the other side of the coin and represent the contrast that has largely changed the story.

Each of these characters reflects in another character from the E.M.A trio.

Eren reflects in both Reiner and Hange.

Hange through their obsession with titans and sometimes extreme violence as shown during the uprising arc and even lunacy in her suicidal approach mirrors Eren sometimes. They are both extremely strong willed. But Hange is also what Eren could have been if he grew up in a different environment. They are also extremely androgynous.

Reiner. I don't think it needs an explanation. You can find plenty of other metas out there about how they mirror each other. They are the hero of two different worlds. Isayama has made an interview about how he is the main character now in the manga during the Marley arc. It is also to be noted that their both suicidal. They also have a strong driving force that can push people to follow them. Their character design are also contrary to one another.

It is also good to note that Hange almost killed Reiner during the Shiganshina arc. Perhaps representing or foreshadowing an older Eren confronting Reiner.

Mikasa is reflected in both Levi and Annie.

Levi. Of course I don't think there is an explanation do here. Ackerman. Heavy and important connection to someone else. Strong characters. Very cold and closed people. He is a representation of what Mikasa could be if she lost Eren. Just like he lost Erwin, Mikasa could potentially become like him after losing Eren. Their character design are very much alike and they are both extremely muscular.

Annie. They mirror each other through how different they are to one another. They have a few common aspect. They are in a relationship that is impossible to one another. Annie - Armin, Mikasa - Eren. They are both excellent fighters. They both are cold but care for their loved ones. However Mikasa is a natural born fighter or atleast one that became a fighter through natural ways. Whereas Annie has trained with her father to get there. While Annie runs away from conflict, Mikasa isn't afraid of it as most her life has been built around it. Just like Reiner and Eren, their character design are also very contrary to one another.

We can also note that Annie killed the whole squad of Levi and fought against both him and Mikasa at the same time and that both of them have fallen asleep and dissapeared for a long period of time, at least in the manga's publishing of the chapter.

Armin reflects in both Erwin and Bertholt.

Again with Erwin, there is this representation of what he could become or what he wants to become. We know Armin has always been against his revival and doesn't think he can live up to the commander. They are both extremely smart and have very good results in their strategy and military operations, they both aren't scared to sacrifice themselves.

Bertholt. They both feel weak. They both feel useless. They both use the same logic in some kinda way. They both have hidden talents. They both have a hidden monstrous side in them. They were and are the Colossal Titan. They both have "romantic feelings" for Annie. However, Bertholt doesn't have the same strategic skill as Armin, he even needs people to tell him what to do sometimes. Their character designs are extremely contrary to one another. Armin is bubbly, small and blonde haired. Bertholt is stone faced, tall and black haired.

Erwin and Armin were at the center of Bertholt and their own fates. The Serum event changed the manga. It is only fitting that his parallel gets the Colossal Titan.

If we now look at Jean, Sasha and Connie...

Eren is what Jean can never become. Jean doesn't have the same power or should I say mentality to be able to kill those children in Liberio. No matter how cool he thinks Eren is. He will only have what Eren has failed to use : empathy. And the not-so-much rival of Eren, is in the traditional sense of shonen, the one who respects him the most. Mikasa "loves" Eren and Jean loves Mikasa but she doesn't have the same feelings back just like Eren.

Sasha is what I think Mikasa could have been if she had a family and who she was before losing that family. They have the same moment of definitive action which overcome their insecurities. Sasha facing off against the titan which threatens Kaya, Mikasa killing the man who killed her parents.

Connie's illogical breakdown when he tried to sacrifice Falco is what Armin fears, the feeling of wrong that is inside of him, the feeling of not living up to Erwin. The man who he sees as always putting logic over emotions something that didn't happen when he was revived. The fear of one day responding with emotions rather than logic and will then confirm he was not the right choice.

Historia's trio.

Historia has three different people in her life representing something important to her.

Frieda = Family

Ymir = Love

Eren = Friendship

But they also represent many of her dualities in her development.

Frieda = Selflessness/ Inaction

Eren = Selfishness/ Action

Ymir = Pride

It is very interesting that one of the most complex character of SNK whose themes still rings true today has this particular set of three people who defines her or at least helps define herself. She then must have some importance to what is going on right now.

Three groups.

The latest arc has been a war in all the sense of the word with three groups fighting for supremacy.

The Jeagerist, nationalistic organisation and fascistic of the oldest Eldian King's ideology we know. Led by Eren Jeager and Floch Forster with the help of Marleyan Volunteers, Zeke Yeager.

The Marleyans, colonialist, genociders and fascists fighting for the supremacy of Marley and the genocide of Eldian. Led by Theo Magath with the Eldian Warriors.

The Eldian Army ( Survey Corps at most. ) built around the patriotic values of the 13th Commander of the Survey Corps Erwin Smith or the Survey Corps at large. Against the genocide, the euthanisation and hopes for a peaceful and non-violent future. Fights for Freedom and Humanity. Led By 14th Commander Hange Zoe.

So there is atleast a definitive pattern here. Maybe it's all a coïncidence or a stretch.

But I have more.

So let's pass some of them right now.

_________________________________________

There are nine titans. 3 x 3 = 9.

The Eldian Military has three branches : The Survey Corps, The Garrison and the Military Police Brigade.

The soldiers use an equipment called the "Three" Dimensional Maneuver Gear.

They can use three weapons : Swords, Guns and Thunder Spears.

There are three titans that attacked Eldia : The Colossal Titan, The Armored Titan and The Female Titan.

In Shiganshina, three titans were actively on the opposite side (not counting Pieck as she barely fought unlike Liberio and The Attack on Eldia by Marley.) : The Beast Titan, The Armored Titan and The Colossal Titan.

This resulted in three groups :

Eren and Armin vs The Colossal Titan.

Levi and Erwin and the rest of the Survey Corps vs the Beast Titan

The 104th and Hange vs The Armored Titan.

The 104th has lost three main characters that were on their side eaten by titan: Marco, Ymir and Bertholt.

Eren has lost three who formed his family : Hannes, His Father and His Mother.

There are three commanders from the Survey Corps that we know who have died. Keith Shadis, Erwin Smith and Hange Zoé.

There are three warriors who attacked Shiganshina with Marley : Reiner, Pieck and Porco.

There are three walls.

There are three royal families.

Ymir Fritz has three daughters.

Eren has three titans : The Founder, The Warhammer Titan and The Attack Titan.

We have only seen three Ackerman fighting: Mikasa, Levi and Kenny.

Titan Shifters have 13 years to live.

Erwin Smith is the 13th commander of the Survey Corps.

We have only seen three nations physically: Marley, Eldia and the Middle Eastern Alliances.

Only three nations plays a significant role in the story: Marley, Eldia and the Azumabito's nation.

The Manga has been divided into three different period.

1. The Fall of Shiganshina to the Female Titan Arc.

2. Clash of the titans to the Return in Shiganshina.

3. The Marley Arc to the War for Paradis Arc.

Now let's look at the page cover of volumes.

Volume 3 shows us our first look at a titan shifter.

Volume 1,2,3 act as a representation of the E.M.A trio.

Volume 1 = Eren

Volume 2 = Mikasa

Volume 3 = Armin.

Volume 13, volume where the Uprising Arc start. The most important arc of the manga in terms of this thematics still relevant today.

Volume 23, volume where the timeskip happens and shows us the other perspective of this manga.

Volume 30, shows us Paths and The founder Ymir.

Volume 31, Future Memory of Eren seeing Mikasa facing the Colossal Titans.

Volume 32, Possible Hope, the Alliance happens. Marley and Eldia helps each other to save the world.

_________________________________________

There is still more. My first meta has been about how SNK's afterlife is real.

This makes up for three different dimension.

The Living World.

The Afterlife

Paths

_________________________________________

The Anime also followed that pattern with:

The Third Opening.

Literally called " Shinzou wo Sasageyo " taking the catchphrase of this manga and making an anthem about it while also having many subliminal message about the story.

The Third Ending.

It spoils the whole manga and the origin of the story. It reveals the three daughters of Ymir and is the creepiest thing ever put out in this world.

_________________________________________

Now for the last point. Yes there's more but It's the last one I promise.

We need to take a look at every chapter who has a three in it. And we can see that in every single chapter something very important happens.

_________________________________________

Chapter 3 : Presentation of the three branches of the Military, of all the characters and return of the Colossal Titan.

Chapter 13 : End of Trost Arc, A possessed and uncontrolled Eren Yeager, " I'm willing to be the butcher " while we are being shown an untamed Attack Titan. Possible Foreshadowing of the last Arc with a Possessed Eren Yeager, Mikasa fighting titans and saving people and Armin trying to get Eren to his senses.

Chapter 23: The First appearance of the Female Titan and our first look at the possibility of another Titan Shifter. Also our first look at Ymir Fritz appearances in the form of the female titan as she was a woman herself and because there is no male titan.

Chapter 30-39 : Foreshadowings left and right about what lies inside the wall. The Warriors and about the existence of Marley.

Chapter 33 : First appearance of the Colossal Titans inside the wall.

Chapter 43 : The Clash of the titan begins. The Armored Titan is revealed with the Colossal and fights with the Attack Titan.

Chapter 53 : Our First Look at Frieda Reiss and the powers of the Attack Titan and the Founder.

Chapter 63 : Eren and Historia learns the truth about Grisha Yeager. He's the one who killed her family and sister Frieda Reiss. Historia is confronted to a choice.

Chapter 73 : We return to Shiganshina and establishes our main trio's thematics.

Eren = Rage.

Mikasa = Pride.

Armin = Hope.

We also learn how Eren started to know he wasn't free, through Armin's eyes and passion of the outside world.

Chapter 83 : The Serum Event or Serumbowl start. Levi fights with Eren and Mikasa to choose who will get the spinal fluid and eat Bertholt, the Colossal Titan. Armin or Erwin, who is the right choice ?

Chapter 93 : Marley Arc, Zeke pressures Marley to go and attack Eldia, something they didn't want to do which will result in the festival, the attack on Liberio and the retribution for Liberio and the Rumbling. Reiner prepares Falco for their dark future.

Chapter 103 : The Liberio operation is a sucess. The Warhammer is taken, the port is destroyed and Zeke is retrieved.

Chapter 113 : Zeke And Levi fights, Zeke start his operation to euthanize Eldian. Levi is defeated by Zeke putting him out of the action for a short time.

Chapter 123 : The Rumbling is starting. All Eldians see Paths and hear Eren's speech. Mikasa question her perspective of Eren.

Chapter 130 : The Rumbling has finally arrived in Marley. Eren's motivation are slowly being revealed and deconstructed. Historia reappears after a long period of time.

Chapter 131 : The effects of the Rumbling happens. Horrible death for Ramzi and his friend. Ymir Fritz appears. Eren and Armin connect through Paths. A partial answer to "that sight" is revealed.

Chapter 132 : Floch Forster dies bringing an end to the Jeagearist. Hange Zoé dies making her the third commander of the Survey Corps to die. The afterlife is revealed, the plane takes off and our heroes goes to see Eren.

_________________________________________

Again, it's a pattern. I don't know if this is something important or a way of Isayama showing he likes the number three. I don't have a definitive idea as to what this could mean but there is something to dig here.

This leaves us on a interesting and ominous note.

The chapter 133 is right in the corner, if my theory is right. Something important is going to happen.

We've hit our lowest point in the series and the Jeagearist arc has officialy ended. What is going to happen now ? Well...

The possibilities :

1. Historia's pov. It has been a long time, we've asked of her. And it's also been a long time her attitude has made no real sense. At least character wise, she has regressed like every character and it's intentionnal on Isayama's part. She must have some importance.

2. Levi's pov. We've got Armin's, Hange's and Mikasa's. But we don't what he really thinks about all of this of Eren's change.

3. Ackertalk. Levi and Mikasa needs to talk about it. They need to go through this for their development.

4. Levi and Armin talk about his choice to save him over Erwin. They never really got to talk face to face about it. They need this closure and now that Armin is the commander, he needs Levi support the most.

5. Possible talk with Annie about what she did to them. If she ever got on the plane with the kids, I think Annie needs to be confronted with that.

6. Possible new about how or where Zeke is ?

_________________________________________

Whatever it is, we're entering the final phase of this manga. This chapter is going to set up the final plot points of the story and now, more than ever, our characters are going to face their biggest challenge.

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kickingitwithkirk · 3 years

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Greetings from Austin pt. III

Pairing: Alpha!Jensen Ackles x Alpha!Jared Padalecki x Omega!OFC

Summary: Jensen and Jared are at odds over a monumental decision that changes their lives in a way they couldn’t have envisioned.

WC: 3825

Warnings: a/b/o, bisexuality, biphobia, homophobia, angst, cursing, self doubt, depression/anxiety, married life/disagreements, medical stuff, sexual dysfunction, infertility/surrogacy

*flirting, m/m oral sex, Jensen’s insecurities are coming out, Jared gets arrested, both get counseling

A/N: This part consists of several time jumps over four month period.

A/N II: Hey, sorry took me a way longer to get done than planned, rewrote Oct 23 a dozen times alone and hoping makes sense, trying to flesh out characters more and has some stuff that plays into story line in later parts.

Part II

Masterlist

@winchesterandbeyondbingo square filled-Jensen Ackles

*Series Inspired by this art.

*no beta-all mistakes are mine

September 8th

7:30 am

Jensen was sitting in the makeup chair clenching his extra strong coffee container to help warm his hands. He’d spent a second, uncomfortable night in his trailer on location as Vancouver was having an unusual cold snap this time of year and with the covid restrictions the director decided that everyone needed to stay on site.

While he wasn’t happy about the weather, missing his own personal heater but at the same time grateful for a brief break from Jared now that they were heading towards the next phase of starting their family.

Jensen jokingly said they needed a code name since they were planning on keeping their plans a secret, even from their families, until the pups were born, playfully suggesting a cartoon from their childhoods.

Of course with Jared’s weird sense of humor, he loved it and started throwing ideas like operation: pound puppies.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Frieda said as she applied a concealer under his eyes to hide the dark smudges from not sleeping well.

“Huh?”

“You asked about my new job and haven’t heard anything I’ve said, wanna talk about it?”

“Sorry, not focusing very well today.”

“Yeah, we’re all feeling out of sorts with this being the last couple days.”

Jensen couldn’t believe he was down to his last two days of filming.

“Too bad this virus messed everything up, it would’ve been a hell of a send off if everybody could have been here.”

Alex and Misha had left right after they’d finished but Jim Beaver was back for the ending. It was only right for Bobby Singer to be there at the end, having been such a pivotal character in the brothers lives.

Frieda continues chatting about random things while finishing his makeup. A PA stuck his head in calling Jensen to the set. He stepped out of the trailer and smiled seeing his Baby sitting near the building being used as the exterior of Harvelle's Roadhouse.

***

September 12th

“Jen, I’m taking out the bags,” Jared calls out seconds before the apartment's front door shut.

Jensen was doing one last check around the place for any forgotten anything. Satisfied, he walked into the living room containing neatly marked boxes ready to be shipped back to Texas, relieved they had downsized from the big house Jared had years ago.

He stopped to gaze out the picture window when a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist, molding his back to the muscular chest of his mate, who rested his chin on his shoulder quietly saying, “I’m gonna miss this view.” Jensen hummed in agreement tipping his head back as Jared nuzzled his neck.

“We need to get going if we’re gonna make Seattle by seven,” Jared softly muttered as they’d stood there for a few heartbeats longer before releasing him. They walked to the door and Jensen turned once more to gaze out the window at the view of Vancouver.

***

September 21st

“This has been a great trip but man, I’ll be glad to be in our own bed tonight.” Jared remarks as they drive past a green highway sign saying Austin 312.

“Can’t wait,” Jensen drowsily says having not slept much the last couple days. They had decided to road trip it back to Texas, stopping at a few places they had wanted to visit for awhile.

Jared somehow managed to finagal, okay so his mind numbing blow job combined with those lethal long fingers that always makes Jensen agree to anything got him a couple extra days in southern Colorado.

Jensen enjoyed the beautiful scenery and hiking in the mountains but hated camping out. Well, it wasn’t technically roughing it the way Jared liked but still.. a frigging yurt in late September?

Oy vay, what he did for love.

The sound of Jared singing along to some classic country song on the radio as he drove finally put Jensen completely out.

***

October 23rd

Turning from the open fridge with a puzzled expression on his face, Jared senses the same vague something he’s felt God knows how many times in the last couple months.

Shutting the door he walked over to the island counter where his husband was seated pushing his unfinished dinner around on his plate.

“Jen, what’s going on? Are you worried about the implantation? Dr. Rodgers said the embryos were healthy and optimistic the surrogate took this first try.”

What Jensen wants to ask, the question that’s plagued him since that day in August choosing their Omega surrogate...how the hell does he phrase it without upsetting Jared?

“Did you choose her because you knew she’d be the one I’d pick?”

Jensen slapped his hand over his mouth, eyes wide, disbelieving he blurted it out.

Jared worked to find a response squeaking an actual squeak before he could get control over his vocals, “That’s what I’ve been sensing!” Gripping the edge of the counter with his big hands, “Are you seriously going there again? I was honest about our interactions when I realized she was the one I knocked down at the clinic and FYI, you weren’t exactly in full control either Alpha!”

Jensen clenched his teeth at being reminded his inner need to be in control at all times slipped.

“I’ve racked my brains trying to figure it out how to ask something like that without upsetting you!” Jensen yells getting up and pacing around the kitchen.

Jared huffed, “So all this time instead of talking to me, you’ve conjured up some..”

“For the last two years I’ve gotten the sense you feel somethings missing, kept telling myself it’s your unfulfilled biology. But ever since you meet that Omega you’ve been.. I can’t explain it and now I’m second guessing our marriage Ja....” his rant abruptly cut off.

Jared’s eyes were glowing red, pinning him with an eerie wolf expression, the intensity disconcerting him. “I chose you, my husband, my soulmate, my everything!“ The words should have been reassuring but Jared’s voice was pitiless, something Jensen's never heard pass from his lips before.

Jared took a deep breath and with normalcy returning said, “I love you Jensen and I thought you understood, for me, in my mind, both of us having pups with the same donor means my offspring won’t be seen as just step relations but will grow up having strong familial ties with JJ, Arrow and Zeppelin.”

Jensen started to speak when a low, reverberating growl from Jared warning him not to interrupt.

“I consciously listened to my inner wolf when it came to choosing the person who is biologically the Om of our children and I,” Jared emphasizes tapping his chest with his long index finger, ”have no regrets but apparently you do.” Taking a deep breath Jared drops a non sequitur, ”The dogs need to be fed,” and walks away.

At the sound of Jared’s SUV leaving Jensen’s legs gave out and he drops to the floor curling up in a fetal position wrapping his arms over his head. Arlo and Koda laid down, one on each side, cocooning him between them.

***

Thanksgiving

“The kids are in a tryptophan coma,” Jensen announces as he walks in through the kitchen's back door. He had followed Danneel home afterwards helping get JJ and the twins cleaned up and put to bed, “they’ll be out till Monday.”

“Good, cause I’m dead on my feet,” Jared replies yawning while loading the dishwasher. It had been their turn to host the holiday with Danneel, the kids, Clif, Jared’s siblings and their broods.

“I told you to wait and I’d help finish the cleanup when I got back.” Jensen said as Jared started the machine.

“I figured you’d wanna stay awhile and be too tired and I didn’t want to deal with it tomorrow. All that’s left is to put the trash and recycling out, could you grab it?”

“On it,” Jensen picked up the bags walking around the side of the house dropping them into their designated receptacles.

When he came back in Jared was switching off the lights downstairs. They made their way up to the bedroom taking turns in the bath getting ready for bed.

Jensen was sitting with his back against the headboard checking his messages when Jared drops heavily next to him, “I plan on sleeping for the next three days.” He mutters resting his head against Jensen’s shoulder.

“Sounds good to me babe, I’m glad we didn’t schedule anything extra this weekend, be nice to spend some time alone.” He finishes wiggling his eyebrows.

“Hmm, do you remember last year's Thanksgiving?”

Jared closed the kitchen pantries door, pushing Jensen against it seductively lowering his fox slanted eyes huskily whispering, “I’m so fucking horny I need my dick you now.”

“Dude, we’re re in my sisters...“

“..you’ll have to be quiet,” Jared dove in for a deep, dirty kiss, grinding against Jensen until he was begging to be fucked.

“You’re the one who got us busted..oh fuck Jensen..so fucking tight..fuck..not gonna last..then later I get Mac saying it sounded like your dick...”

“Okay..buuut,” Jared tilts his head slowly running his tongue up the column of Jensen’s neck, “you gotta admit,” hand slipping under his sleep shirt, “our sex life,” long fingers tip toe up the smooth, freckled chest, pads teasing his left nipple as Jared nibbles on his earlobe, ”is never boring.”

Jensen groans, dropping his arm, still clinching the phone, tipping his head to expose more of his neck to Jared’s wondrous lips, enjoying the scratch of his short beard.

“I thought you were sleeping the next three days.”

Jared answers by removing his hand and straddling his husband's thick thighs taken the phone placing it on the nightstand and starts nibbling along the other side of Jensen’s sensitive neck, working his way to his slightly raised claim mark flattening his tongue licking the ultra sensitive spot that always drives his Alpha wild.

Jensen slides his hands up Jared’s back finding a grip in his shortened hair, unhappy about how much he’s cut off for Walker, unable to tangle his thick fingers into the soft tresses like he used to.

Finding a purchase he pulls hard making Jared groan at the pleasurable sensation tips his head back till it’s the perfect angle for Jensen to run his tongue across those candy pink lips, teasing them open to grant him access, continues teasing, alternating between caressing Jared’s tongue with his and sucking on his lips.

Moaning, Jared rocks his hips seeking friction, breaks their kissing long enough to work Jensen's sleep shirt off. They end up wrestling a few moments before Jared tosses it as Jensen’s lips attack his more desperately.

Tapping Jared’s thigh, Jensen rolls them kneeling between sleep pant clad legs watching as Jared reaches up gripping the strategically placed bar in their custom made headboard with both hands, his pecs flexing in anticipation of what’s to come.

Not breaking eye contact Jensen bends forward, his lips a hair's breadth from Jared’s, slowly slides backwards hovering, caressing the acres of golden skin beneath him with only his warm breath, pausing to hook his fingers in the pants waistband and pulling them with him as he continues journeying south.

Slowly making his way back north he leaves wet, open mouth kisses along the now naked, extra long, muscular legs he loves, sucking on the insides of both thighs, nipping hard enough to leave marks before arriving at his designated stop.

He hasn’t even touched Jared’s beautiful cock yet it’s fully engorged, resting against his flat stomach vigorously leaking precome. Jensen dips his tongue into his bellybutton lapping up the liquid collecting in it, cause fuck, he’s loves how more sweet than salty Jared’s always tasted.

Hips rolling Jared rubs his cockhead against Jensen’s tongue and he kitten licks the dribbling slit before resting his head on Jared’s lower stomach and wrapping his lips around the velvety head.

Shifting his grip on the bar Jared’s makes nonsensical noises, toes curling at the mixed sensations of his mates silky beard tickling his lower regions while sucking on his cockhead, alternates swirling his tongue over the nerves underneath and teasing his slit sending spikes of pleasure radiating through him.

After all these years Jared’s still amazed at Jensen’s knowledge of his body, his ability to keep him on the edge of not enough for however long he’s in the mood to play.

“..pleease...need to cum...got to..so fucking..uhh..Alpha!”

Raising up on a forearm Jensen starts bobbing up and down his shaft, pausing briefly on each downward pass, working his throat open to take Jared further in until he’s nose deep in dark, trimmed pubic hair. Holding his mate's substantial cock in his throat swallows around him as Jared’s knot inflates, pushing his jaws apart till it’s too much.

Letting the knot slip out from between his plump lips Jensen wraps a hand firmly around it and starts vigorously bobbing drawing out a litany of obscene noises, feels Jared’s balls drawing up and backs off swallowing the warm, thick, spurting liquid.

Leisurely licking until Jared hissed, too sensitive for anymore kisses the tip one last time crawls back up the bed searching for his pillow and face plants on it.

“Dude, you’ve finally sucked out my last brain cell.”

Purring deep in his chest, Jensen gives Jared a self satisfied smirk, who mutters, “wasn’t trying to give you a bigger head.”

Rolling onto his side Jensen displays his turgid cock needing attention, “okay, he’s the bigger head,” Jared concedes reaching down running his fingers over the weeping tip, wetting them with precome spreads it over the shaft firmly fisting Jensen’s pulsing thickness, moving his hand up and down excruciatingly slowly.

“So,” his honeyed voice lowers an octave watching Jensen dissolving into a breathy mess, “how does he want me?”

Jensen opens his mouth to answer when a phone rings. Glaring over his shoulder, “not mine,” he growls. Still stroking him Jared stretches for his, “it’s the clinic..hello? Dr. Rodgers, hey, how are you sir?” He lets go sitting up against the headboard.

Why’s the doctor calling them at such an odd time, on a holiday no less?

Jared's brow wrinkles before he turns to Jensen, eyes sparkling breaks out his wondrous smile making his dimples pop.

“Jensen, she’s pregnant!”

Jared's practically bouncing on their bed like he’s on a massive sugar high discussing what comes next with the doctor. Jensen feels his erection rapidly diminishing, gets up heading into the bath and turns on the shower.

Climbing in he crosses his arms against the far wall, resting his forehead against them closing his eyes as hot water bounces across his broad shoulders.

Jensen knows he should be elated. Jared’s getting the pup (or pups) he’s desired for years and the possibility of being a father himself again. Instead, his heart seized up in conflict.

***

After that god awful argument in October he ended up at Josh’s, who confessed his mate and him were seeing a counselor because they were having marital issues too. Spending the night drinking and reflecting Jensen came home the next morning to a still angry Jared cause he didn’t know where the fuck his husband was all night.

Filling him in about his talk with Josh, Jared seemed somewhat mollified but a few nights later...

Walker star Jared Padalecki arrested near the one year anniversary of Stereotype bar altercation.

· Jared Padalecki was arrested once again in Austin, Texas, early Sunday morning on one count of public intoxication…

When he got released Jared sat Jensen down pleading with him to sit in on his next therapy session, saying they couldn’t keep going on like this, it was tearing him apart.

He wants..no..needs Jensen to completely open up, stop trying to protect him and discuss what’s going on in his head, what he’s really feeling.

Jared’s therapist started off informing both of them he wasn’t a marriage counselor but after a brief conversation with Jared knew the situation was having a detrimental impact on his mental health.

He listened to them separately, then together, about their observations and thoughts on each other’s behaviors came up with a hypothesis:

Since Jared’s last depressive episode, his random thoughts/emotions were feeding more into Jensen’s deep seated insecurities over his mate’s open, flirtatious personality and how he perceives others attraction/interactions to him.

And now Jared’s inner wolf is demonstrating an intense attraction to an Omega, something never encountered before with past preferences in Beta females, with this new dynamic Jensen didn’t know how to handle it.

Jensen opened and closed his mouth several times sputtering before saying this was complete bullshit and stormed out.

***

Lost in thought Jensen didn’t notice his husband stepping into the open shower stall until his considerable frame was blocking the water, Jared’s voice drew him out of his musings.

“I can hear you thinking clear in the other room.”

Cupped Jensen’s face between his large hands he gazed into those spring colored eyes that captured his heart the moment he looked into them years ago, “Hey, no matter what happens next, we’re good.”

***

December 16th

Jared was sitting in his chair chatting with Lindsey and Keegan while the crew was finishing setting up for the next scene when his phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number but excuses himself, stepping away for some privacy answering.

“Hey, everything okay?” Lindsay asked after he hung up, concerned by the visible tension rolling off the big Alpha.

“Umm..I don’t know, I need to make another call...” Jared said, waving the phone, “yeah, let us know if you need anything.” Keegan says and Jared nodded his thanks.

The phone rang three times, “Hey Clif, I need a favor.”

***

December 19th

Clif pulled the SUV into the parking lot, “Are you sure this is the right place?” Jared inquires looking around taking in the old motel located in a very questionable area of Austin.

“This is the name the guy mentioned.” Clif replied, getting out heading for the office. Couple minutes later he climbed back in, “the manager said the laundry out back.” He started the vehicle and drove to the rear of the property.

Clif got out again and knocked on the building's door. An older Hispanic woman answered engaging him in a brief conversation before stepping back inside.

Clif nodded to Jared and as he got out of the vehicle that piquant scent hit him seconds before the door reopened. The person he’d spent days searching for froze in the doorway upon seeing him.

***

December 22nd

Jensen, claiming out of the Uber, grabbed his bag thanking the driver, walked up the front stone pathway relieved to be home from L. A. after a hopefully final costume fitting for his new role as Soldier Boy, this flying back and forth every week for the last couple months had gotten old real quick and he was looking forward to enjoying the holidays at home.

Jared’s parents were coming tomorrow and staying for a few days as was Danneel and their pups. Josh said he was still planning on dropping by a few hours Christmas Day since he and Mac were scheduled to spend most of the holiday with their parents.

Jensen felt that mixture of anger and sadness he got thinking about his parents. He was raised in their church and though he never believed in it, respected their choice.

Too bad they couldn’t reciprocate.

***

Alan and Donna belonged to an ultra conservative church. The foundations of child rearing was to be found in the good book and in the Ackles household-spare the rod, spoil the child-was gospel.

When they were growing up neither parent was the physically or emotionally demonstrative type, only showing their offspring a reserved affection, especially in public.

The saving grace was their Beta nanny who gave them unconditional love, especially Jensen, who was shy as a child already knowing he was different from his siblings. She instilled the confidence in them to discover who they truly were inside and encouraged Jensen to come out before moving to California.

Shortly after graduating he told his family about his bisexuality and his boyfriend was moving to L.A. with him.

Alan and Donna tried to stop him. He was to go to their pastor and confess his transgressions, beg forgiveness for his sins against the church and its teachings, threatening to pull the agreed upon six month financial support while he auditioned for parts before going to college if it didn’t work out.

Jensen refused, packed up, took his boyfriend and left. He got his first break shortly after and quickly learned Hollywood didn’t care what his sexual orientation was as long as he kept it behind closed doors.

His management agency decided early on to promote Jensen as the good guy/boyfriend type. They also set him up on dates to events with many up and coming female artists of the time. He had no problem playing along when he wasn’t actually dating a woman.

His big break came on the CW. After co-starring in a couple series for the network he was offered the chance to be a lead in a new series created by Eric Kripke.

At the audition he met former Gilmore Girls heartthrob, Jared Padalecki, flashing his infectious smile, dimples for days and the most beautiful, incredible color shifting eyes Jensen’s ever seen, he was done for.

Jensen might not have his biological parents in his life anymore but his now in-laws, the complete opposite of the Ackles, helped fill that hole.

It’s easy to see where Jared’s personality comes from. His Om, Sherrie, is overly affectionate, excessively physical and verbal with everyone she considers family, biological or not.

The first time he accompanied Jared home on a holiday break Jensen was literally bowled over by the five foot nothing Omega and instantly became part of her brood.

***

Barley getting the front door open Jensen is hit with the piquant scent of orange blossoms and spices he couldn’t quite place.

Dropping his carry-on bag in the foyer he followed the scent further into the house. Arlo sat up near the large picture windows facing the backyard where he and Koda are napping and gets up coming over to greet him.

“Hey big guy, where’s daddy at?” Jensen asked rubbing around his ears like he liked having thought Jared would still be on set before the holiday break.

He heads towards the kitchen where the scent seems to be coming from, “Babe is that coffee shop back open, what’s it called, has those sweet rolls you're obsessed with..” he abruptly stopped and blinks not believing what was in front of him.

More accurately who was in front of him.

“Babe is in his office and dinner will be ready in twenty.”

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?”

***

tbc

GFA: @babypink224221 @waywardjoy @let-me-luve-you @all-4-wincest

SPN: @donnaintx @lyarr24

Sam/Jared @idreamofplaid

Dean/Jensen: @flamencodiva

#jensen ackles #jared padalecki #j2 husbands #winchesterandbeyondbingo #alpha!jensen ackles #alpha!jared padalecki #alpha!jensenxalpha!jaredxomega!ofc #j2 au #j2 fanfic #j2alphas #a/b/o ofc #spn #supernatural #slow burn

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ghostmartyr · 3 years

Text

how a life can move from the darkness [4/?]

| 1 | 2 | 3 |

Summary: Two drug addicts (Eren and Historia) meet in group and decide to be roommates to make their living situation slightly less weird. From there we do the slow burn found family dance mixed in with the struggles and agonies of recovery. Heavy on friendship feels, especially EMA. Eventual yumikuri.

Eren hadn’t been inside Reiner’s house five seconds before Ymir offered her two cents.

“Nice shiner.”

Reiner, halfway through taking off his soaked shirt in the middle of the kitchen and driving Bertolt to insanity over preparing breakfast, rolled his eyes. “Ignore her, Eren,” he said.

Everyone in the house had given him that advice at least once, by now. Eren didn’t make a habit of having breakfast with any of his clients. He wasn’t even having breakfast with Reiner today. Coming in for something besides bottled water after a run had turned into a routine after his first run-in with Ymir. Reiner had tried to book him for an unhealthy number of hours as an apology, so Eren had given in to being social enough to show that he really had forgiven him.

Bertolt, he’d already known fairly well. Reiner talked about him a lot, and when Eren first started taking Reiner out, Bertolt did the same hovering thing Mikasa did with him and Armin. He was a quiet guy, but familiar. The Galliard brothers weren’t quiet, but were almost never there when Eren was.

Ymir didn’t live with them. She just haunted the house.

Reiner claimed she liked using their living room as her office. She was some kind of writer, and always stationed herself on the couch, surrounded by paper. As many comments as she made to Eren, she did spend most of her time working, so it was believable.

Only she had the same look in her eye that Frieda and his mom got when she looked at any of the guys actually living in the house. Eren had assumed it was just Reiner, but it was all of them.

He tried not to make it his business. He was dealing badly enough with his own problems.

“Didn’t Reiner say you were done with fighting?” Ymir asked, circling something in red.

Eren poured himself some orange juice from the pitcher Bertolt kept for them. One long drink later, he didn’t feel any better about any of the ways this could go. Part of the reason people kept telling him to ignore Ymir was that he found Ymir very hard to ignore.

“My roommate threw a tennis ball at me,” he said.

Ymir paused her circling. She twisted around on the couch and gave his eye another look. “Threw,” she said. “Not hit?”

“We were playing catch,” Eren said.

Now she was looking at him like he was one of her clutch. It was annoying in a way that Frieda definitely wasn’t, and his mother only sometimes was. “Right.”

Reiner, who had zero information on what had actually happened, tried to help in between rinsing his hair in the sink. “People play catch, Ymir,” he said. “Eren’s brother hooked him on it early.”

Ymir, the only person in the house who knew anything about ignoring people, continued to act like this was a conversation exclusively between her and Eren. “Keeping your eye on the ball isn’t meant to be taken literally, you know.”

“I know,” Eren said.

Ymir grinned at him and went back to her papers.

Letting the conversation go there felt like it would be a loss, so Eren went ahead and asked. “What are you working on?”

To his surprise, Bertolt responded first. A long history of solemn, quiet staring in the face of conversation eroded. He groaned softly over the skillet, drawing every set of eyes to him like a magnet. Eren waited for him to give his contribution some words, but nothing followed. Reiner picked up the slack.

“Ymir’s a romance novelist,” he said.

“She writes porn,” Bertolt corrected, still dutifully facing the stove.

“Bert used to be my alpha reader,” Ymir said. She was smirking brightly as an angler fish’s lure. “We parted ways over incompatible creative differences. I had to go out in the cold, dark world and pave my way all alone. He won’t even listen to the titles anymore. You’d think years of friendship would promote a little more interest in my life, but…”

Reiner piped up. “He did a good job helping you with the first five.”

Eren didn’t know how old Ymir was, but Reiner only had two years on him, and he’d never gotten the sense that there was some huge gap. All he knew about publishing was that his and Armin’s favorite sci-fi series was lucky to get an addition every two years. That added up to a work ethic he wasn’t sure it was safe to compliment when Bertolt’s expression was so stony. “How many books do you have?”

“Enough that I’m the only person here who doesn’t need someone pitching in on rent,” Ymir said airily. “I don’t have to run around my place dodging tennis balls.”

She gave his eye another look that put Eren’s hackles up. He didn’t think Historia would have much of a problem decking Ymir with a tennis ball without being her roommate. Five seconds of contact would probably be good enough.

Saying something like that would just get more annoying looks.

“She’s really good,” Reiner said. “I can lend you a copy of one if you’re interested.”

“Reiner,” Bertolt said, scraping his spatula through the eggs, “I don’t think Eren wants something like that.”

One of the things Eren had learned early about Reiner was how stubborn he could be about showing off his friends. Waving Bertolt off, he leaned over the island. “He’s exaggerating about the porn. I mean, there’s some—more than some, with a few, but it’s all really tasteful and the focus is more on the emotional connection.”

Eren had never read a romance novel outside of high school literature assignments. He didn’t see this getting him started, and wasn’t sure how Reiner thought the argument that their friend wrote tasteful porn made it less weird, but he nodded blankly. “That’s… great.”

“You could at least buy the boy dinner before foisting erotic literature on him, Reiner,” Ymir said. She slung her head over the back of the couch to give her grin more of an edge. “Besides, I don’t think he swings that way.”

Eren said the first thing that entered his head. “I don’t like baseball.”

Bertolt’s magnet effect transferred to him. The man in question actually turned around long enough for a glance. Reiner’s shaved eyebrows rose. Ymir’s expression hit a delight that made Eren rethink needing Historia around to hit her.

Eren shrugged aggressively and did what he could to drain the orange juice from his glass so he was out of things tying him to their kitchen.

“You know,” Reiner said, “I have been meaning to ask if you want to grab lunch sometime, Eren.” Before Ymir could make good on the promise of her widening smile, he rushed to add, “Not as a date or anything, just, you know. You seem short on friends, so maybe we could spend some time together that isn’t work.”

“Can guarantee that you’ll end up with fewer black eyes with him,” Ymir said.

His bruised face twinged. He remembered to keep his fists lax so that his glass didn’t shatter. He put it down carefully on the island, right next to Reiner’s elbow.

“I have friends.”

Reiner smiled like he understood the first damn thing about the people Eren meant when he said that. “Nothing wrong with a few more.”

There wasn’t, but Eren could still feel the urge to argue on sheer principle of what Reiner was correctly suggesting about his life. Ymir’s smirk didn’t help.

He left the house with lunch plans, which felt like growth, and a gnawing bitter hole in his chest, which felt like everything he still hadn’t fixed.

----

He hated group.

He always hated group.

Today he hated it with a little more direction.

“Today,” Petra said, “I wanted to talk some about the importance of remembering that you’re one of the people you have to make amends to.”

Petra was pretending not to look at him and Historia. She wasn’t doing it very well. Historia just looked at the floor. Eren was trying to do better, but he could feel his body joining in.

They’d needed ice. After the last meeting. Going back inside to ask where to find the ice had been embarrassing. They’d waited until they knew the meeting would be over, but it was still embarrassing, and Petra standing there waiting for them to come back had been an awful cherry on top. She’d told them to stay put. Between the two of them, they ate half of her cookies while they waited.

The burnt cookies. Eren couldn’t taste well enough to care. Historia had stared listlessly at the few folding chairs that were still set up, munching hers mechanically.

“Does it ever help?” she’d asked, before Petra came back. “Talking?”

Eren had given the only answer he could. “I don’t know,” he said through his clotting nose, “but I didn’t used to be able to talk about any of it.”

When Petra had come back, she kept frowning at Historia. Who looked as guilty as she probably felt about Eren’s blackening eye and bloody nose. By Petra’s standards, it wasn’t anywhere near enough. Eren had left distraught, but without bruises. Coming back bleeding with his roommate wasn’t the most comforting image he could have brought in.

She hadn’t said anything then.

Now, not looking at them, she was saying things.

“The hurt we cause other people tends to be very tangible.”

Armin’s face. Eren’s hand in the medicine cabinet.

“We act in ways that cause them pain, and our relationships suffer injuries that we can’t hope to repair while we’re still slaves to our vices. We don’t usually have to ask what went wrong once we’re sober. I think everyone here has something they wish they hadn’t done during the course of their addiction.”

Mikasa asking if he was okay, of all fucking things, and him shouting that he never wanted to see her again. Blaming her for keeping such a good eye on him and not seeing the obvious. Like she’d had a part in his terrible choices.

“Taking responsibility for that damage is part of healing. It helps those we’ve hurt, and reasserts our own control by confronting the past and making up for where we went wrong. It gives us the tools to move on instead of turning our shame into another vice.”

Eren had been gripping the chair so hard that the circulation felt cut off in the tips of his fingers.

He looked up.

“When we refuse to make amends,” Petra said, “we refuse to let our lives move on from the pain and hurt we’ve caused. We refuse to move beyond the person addiction made us.”

Never picking up the phone when it rang. Throwing his mom’s landline at the wall.

“I can’t speak for everyone here, but I know that one of the first barriers I ran into during my recovery was whether or not someone like me even deserved to have the better life I was trying for.”

Historia jerked forward in her chair.

“But that’s what recovery is all about. We turned into someone we don’t want to be, and we want to change.”

Petra looked Eren in the eye. Eren didn’t turn away. His ears were hanging on each word.

“Denying ourselves that chance means denying recovery. It means we stay that person, and we keep doing damage. There is nothing positive found in punishing yourself to a point where you’re killing all the good things you still have left to offer. There’s only more suffering.”

Only more holes in the wall that needed patching.

Eren knew Petra, or the rehab counselor, or maybe even Reiner, had talked about self-destructive behavior before. He knew he’d talked to himself about it before. Drugs or not, he destroyed too much to really be anyone’s greatest representative of recovery. He knew people who relapsed and handled themselves better than he had in his first months of sobriety.

His eye still a shade of purple he hadn’t seen since his last tournament brawl with Annie, he heard the same click his muffled brain had made when Armin caught him. The first awful, miserable step that the drugs had let him run away from until he could barely move at all.

Some people talked about their lists at group. Specific things they wanted to make up to their specific people. Eren had one for his mom, but no one even wanted his apologies. They wanted him better, so he focused on that and called it good enough. He’d done the bare minimum and kept all the doors Armin and Mikasa tried to open slammed shut.

The burn of hatred was familiar. The writhing guilt under it had always felt unproductive. Hate he could do something with. He could swap out wanting things from his life for hating who he was enough to force a change. It worked fine when what he wanted was drugs.

There had been a person before all of that. The one who made his friends. He’d wanted a lot more out of life.

Eren chewed his way through a runny cookie after the end of the meeting. Thinking and not thinking. His head felt like a chalkboard that had just been wiped off. All the dust still in place and incomprehensible.

He did know what to say when Petra came over to join him, though.

“Thanks.”

Petra smiled sadly at him. “Don’t think you were the only one who needed help, Eren.” She sighed and leaned back against the folding table. The plate of cookies rattled. “Forgiveness doesn’t have to be earned to be accepted, but it’s much easier when it is. I’ve known a lot of people who fall into the trap of pushing themselves so hard they never find their way out.”

She ran a tired hand through her hair. “It can’t be about other people. What you need has to matter.”

“What if it doesn’t?”

Eren jumped. So did Petra.

Historia often took to shadowing him at meetings, but she was so much like an actual shadow that it was easy to forget she was there. Standing in the dark corner next to the card table, looking as small as Eren had ever seen her, this time felt intentional.

She was watching Petra.

“It always does,” Petra said, after a moment.

Historia’s jaw was locked shut, a small, nervous twitch all there was to suggest motion.

“But… what if it doesn’t?”

Eren knew he was missing pieces, but there was something deeply wrong with the dark lines in Historia’s expression. It reminded him of the very silent walk home after the last meeting, too distracted with pinning ice to his face to ask if he needed to ask if she was okay, and too ashamed to make it his job to check on her when she slammed her bedroom door shut.

“You matter, Historia,” he said. “So what you need matters.”

Her hands tied themselves together in front of her. The clench of one more repetition was behind her teeth, and Eren suddenly felt very out of his depth. That was one concept that there shouldn’t have been any footing to argue with.

The wrongness lingered all the way home, long after she nodded her head at them like she believed a single word they’d said.

----

He sent Armin a picture of Benjamin.

It took an hour to build up to it. He hid in the bathroom, back against the cabinets, and thought about healing. That thing everyone wanted from him. That thing the broiling wrath in his chest when he looked in the mirrors some days didn’t know how to do, but he still had a chance at.

He found the best picture. He found Armin’s name on the contact list.

He didn’t have to feel anything about it yet. He just had to do it. Make his body move. He was good at that. He had a lifetime of practice of it listening to him, and this time he was going to make it do something positive.

He hit the send button, and the comforting image of Benjamin swimming through his tank to say hello vanished.

He sent Mikasa one, too.

When his phone buzzed with a picture of Rivaille a minute later, fur raised and bright white teeth gleaming, he was still breathing, and there weren’t any holes in the walls or mirrors.

For the first time in months, the heat in his chest didn’t feel like anger.

----

If there was one negative Eren found in having Historia as a roommate and sponsor, it was that she was worse than Mikasa sometimes. Only instead of beating him at every physical challenge he’d ever taken on, she beat him at personal tragedy. That was one record he never wanted his friends anywhere near, and it was the one she always won.

He’d wanted to push. He knew he shouldn’t. Months of group and a few aborted meetings with therapists hadn’t made him any kind of expert on problems. Maybe if he’d known Historia before, he would have gone for it anyway, but experience had beaten some tact into him.

Some.

Maybe not enough. He wasn’t sure, but trying to patch things up with his best friends while he just let whatever Petra had cracked open with Historia fester made him feel like a hypocrite and a coward. He’d been both, and they never made anything better.

Several days of not broaching any serious topics went by before that determination could make any kind of difference. Maybe they were better for it. Maybe that was the only way the conversation would have happened at all.

Eren was on the couch, coordinating with a climbing group he was leading in the morning. Historia was studying under Benjamin’s tank. He probably should have caught how little she was turning the pages. That wasn’t always a fair gauge with her textbooks, but he should have still noticed.

She stopped in the middle of turning one. Her hand drooped to the floor.

“Sponsors are there to help with the addiction parts. Right?”

Eren looked up from telling his group contact that yes, he would have spare bottles, no, that did not mean they shouldn’t bring their own water. Historia stared resolutely at the page she’d stopped at. A panting puppy and a diagram of the panting puppy’s insides stared back.

“Right,” Eren said.

“You’re my sponsor.”

She said it like she was waiting for him to tell her he wasn’t. Eren put his phone down, frowning. “Yeah.” He didn’t know what there was to argue about that, but in case she’d forgotten every time she’d listened to him shriek his trauma at her, he added, “And you’re mine.”

Historia didn’t look away from the book.

Eren waited. The hair on the back of his neck felt unusually prickly. Benjamin swam back and forth at the front of his tank. He liked his hiding spots, but he was starting to prefer the open space when they were both in the room. His tank bubbled away softly.

“I overdosed,” Historia said.

A chill entered the room. Eren eased himself out of his comfortable slouch against the couch cushions. “Okay,” he said, trying to mean it. Or sound gentle. He didn’t know what gentle was supposed to sound like. Mikasa did a thing with her voice that could calm anything, but he’d always fallen short trying to be like her.

Historia’s shoulders were practically covering her head, they were so tense.

“It happens,” he said. He sounded stupid. He’d heard plenty of overdose stories. Reiner had three from before they ended up in rehab together. Eren wasn’t sure how he was still alive, and he didn’t think any of his roommates were, either, but they were all relieved. Overdose stories that ended with rehab and group instead of a body weren’t the worst kind. Historia was still around and sober. That wasn’t something to dress up like a bad thing.

Historia’s hands clasped over her textbook. “No. Not...” Her forehead pressed down against the puppy diagram briefly. Eren could almost hear the gears in her mind turning.

“It was on purpose,” she said.

The chill went inside Eren.

Historia kept talking. Her breathing shook and rattled, but the words came out in a steady stream. “I thought… I thought if that’s how I did it, there wouldn’t be anything to feel sad over. I was already a murderer, but people kept finding excuses for that. If I… if I walked into a new hole all by myself, no one could say it wasn’t my fault. They’d have to—they’d have to know I wasn’t worth any tears.

“That was the plan. Then…” She gave her head a shake. “I—part of me also wondered if it would help. If all of it…”

Petra had said it. After his first meeting. “Painkillers don’t work on broken hearts. We just keep hoping they will.”

Eren’s mind automatically went to a little orange bottle, listening to Historia. He killed the thought off. Viciously.

Historia collected herself. “It didn’t,” she said flatly. “It didn’t help any of it, and then I couldn’t die, because if I died, I couldn’t do more heroin, and at that point I—I wanted the—to—more than I wanted to die. So I kept…”

She took a harsh breath and lifted her head. “It was getting harder to hide. Frieda was going to find out if I kept it up, and she would have tried to…” She turned away from her book to stare at the floor. Eren had never seen someone so far away. “I couldn’t do that to her. The whole point was to make it—easier.” Her voice cracked.

Eren could hear the coming end in the blackest corner of his soul, where he kept the accident. Where he kept the first time he’d taken more than his prescription said to. Where he kept the look on Armin’s face.

“I needed to get it over with before Frieda started worrying,” Historia said.

He didn’t need her to tell him what happened next. His eyes were fixed on her arms. Covered, like they always were, with long sleeves. Out of all the emotions to feel, he felt pathetically sick with gratitude that he couldn’t see. She probably knew exactly which line marked the attempt.

The attempt, he had to remind himself. Historia’s back rose with every breath she took. She was alive.

“Only she found me,” Historia said. “She found me. Because of her, I woke up, and she was there, and I was the one who did everything wrong, but she blamed herself anyway. There was no way to make it easier for her. She’s too good of a person. She—she just couldn’t see when someone was better off—”

What if what you need doesn’t matter?

Historia never talked about recovering. He’d known that. He’d seen it. She talked about her sister. Every single word that should have been spent on her went to Frieda, or their father. She talked about fault, and it always turned into how it was all hers.

He’d gone to group sessions because he wanted his mom to see that he meant it when he said none of it would happen again. He’d wanted her to know that her son was putting in the work, and she could believe that he was okay. He’d wanted to believe for himself that he could end up okay. That he wouldn’t ever be that person again.

Historia had only gone because Frieda needed her to be okay.

“It can’t be about other people. What you need has to matter.”

Eren didn’t know what to say.

Frieda was the only reason he’d ever met Historia.

If it was only about what Historia thought she needed, she’d be dead.

“Do you still want to die?”

Historia’s fists were clenched. Her knuckles were white, and he thought they had been for a while.

“I don’t know,” she said.

“I’m glad you’re not dead,” wasn’t really the point. “Frieda’s glad you’re not,” would just make it worse.

Eren got off the couch and sat down next to Historia. Hesitantly, he stretched out a hand to rest on one of her hiked up shoulders. He barely touched her at all, but he could feel the answering tension. Before some of it actually leaked away. The glaze of Historia’s eyes didn’t look quite so distant anymore. Just sad.

She looked like her sister. Like Frieda when she waited outside Historia’s room, checking to make sure her little sister was still breathing.

“I don’t really get it,” he admitted. He knew hating himself so much he couldn’t breathe, and then not wanting to breathe. He knew wanting to hurt himself. But he didn’t know the first thing about setting up a plan to die. “But you’re still alive, even if it’s just for Frieda. You might as well try to enjoy it.”

Her hands were shaking next to her book. He really wasn’t any good at this.

“I made a promise once,” she said, so softly it was almost a whisper. “To the girl I told you about. She thought I needed to stop running away from myself. That I should be me, and leave the rest of it alone. But when I stood still long enough to find out who that was, I couldn’t see any point in staying.” She tapped the page she still hadn’t turned. Her eyes were as watery as the reflections in Benjamin’s tank. “Sometimes I think it’s good that she left. She didn’t have to find out how empty I really am. Then I think that if she’d just…”

Historia’s shoulders dropped. “I never felt empty with her. I don’t know what was there, but when she left, so did it.”

Eren had been too angry at the time to really notice anything but the rage and the burning coils warping his insides, but he was reminded vividly of the first time he chose not to take Armin’s call. It felt like something was ripping a hole through his heart. Only he’d filled that hole with every bad feeling that dug it. The emptiness never had a chance to send him places.

Then Historia came along, and he had a friend. He was standing outside the hole and thinking about how to patch it. He wasn’t lost in it.

He didn’t know how to translate that, but he owed Historia too much not to try.

“I haven’t felt like myself since my dad,” Eren said, without dwelling on the flash of hands drenched in blood that still popped up every time he touched any of it. “The pills made it all worse, but nothing’s really felt right since then. Not being able to talk to Armin and Mikasa is part of it.” He tightened his hand on Historia’s shoulder, and hoped it was understood as comfort. “I don’t know if all of me is ever going to come back, but I don’t need him. I’m the one still here, so I can fix whatever’s still broken my way.”

He turned his hold into a kind of rough pat. “You’ll figure it out.”

Historia finally looked at him. Tired frankness overtook some of the visible misery. “The last time I tried to figure it out I decided to kill myself.”

“Then that’s ruled that out,” Eren said. He tried to smile, but it felt wrong. Like his jaw had gone numb. “That and the heroin. You aren’t going to end up somewhere worse when you’re trying to get better.”

She was quiet for so long he had to think for a moment if he’d managed to say anything out loud. Her breathing was silent. Her back kept rising, but Eren didn’t think nature photographers knew how to be that still. Armin had shown him a documentary on them once. Historia liked animals, maybe he could link it to her and it could be something to stay alive for.

His insides still felt like they were trapped in a perpetual shiver. Withdrawal without the delirious, racing thoughts that sent ants of pain up his legs.

“Do you have to want better for it to happen?” Historia asked at last.

Eren couldn’t remember where wanting his pills and wanting to destroy the person they turned him into began or ended. They were a blur of hunger and rage, and somehow that turned into wherever he was now. He’d always wanted one thing or another. Flame stickers for his tricycle. A bigger bat than the one Zeke tried to start him with. Beating up Armin’s bullies instead of the other way around. Pills, pills, and pills. His friends. Thing after thing that could make a positive difference in his world.

He might have hated some of the stuff he did to get there, but he’d never not wanted an improvement. The world needed a lot of them. He and Armin had come up with a list of all the things failing it their first year of high school, hitting a protest per item by the end of the calendar. The only way to get anywhere with everything that was wrong was to care and fight for a fix. That was how it worked.

Except for sometimes.

“Sometimes,” he said, “better is someone you’ve never talked to asking you to live with them.”

----

The nightmare was even less of a surprise than they usually were.

He was in the car. Burning dust was filling his lungs. His father, smiling, holding a hand to his head, tried to talk to him. He wasn’t using words. The sounds he made didn’t come with a language, and his lips didn’t move, and Eren couldn’t breathe and his leg turned into lava while he screamed and screamed until he found the sword and pushed it into his father’s chest to make the noise stop.

Only he wasn’t in the car.

Eren jolted upright in his bed, dripping with sweat, freezing, and taking in heaves of fresh, clean air through the hands he’d clapped on top of his mouth to stop the inevitable shout.

He wasn’t in the car. He wasn’t in the damn car, and hadn’t been for—

Eren jerked out of bed. His landing wasn’t graceful, but it didn’t bruise anything.

For a few fragile moments, he stood in his bedroom, doing nothing. A winding trail of salt rolled down his face and dropped to the rug his toes were digging into. His heart was racing and there was a scrape on the back of his hand. He thrashed in his sleep sometimes.

He took a breath and grabbed his blanket. He draped it over his shoulders like a cape, and groggily started the journey to Benjamin’s tank.

A year. He hadn’t been inside that car, listening to his dad’s watch tick away his final seconds, for a whole year. He hadn’t thought about it. He didn’t know how. Cracking open his door and letting his eyes follow the glow that said someone was in the kitchen, he couldn’t land on any other thoughts.

The someone in the kitchen was Frieda, sipping at her mug when he tromped in. Far outside her sister’s door and waiting for him.

They’d shared a few nights like this. Mornings, Armin would correct him with, frowning and telling him he really should take better care of himself. Mikasa would agree. She’d probably grab the mug Frieda was offering and snatch it up so that his arms didn’t have to reach that far.

Eren shivered and grabbed his mug.

“I thought I might see you tonight,” Frieda said.

The hot chocolate didn’t burn his tongue. It was just warm. Eren downed the mug in one shot, fighting back the cold. Frieda took it when he was done, and poured him another. Her eyes were less shadowed than they normally were. When she showed up to watch Historia.

“Did you come here for me?” Eren asked.

Frieda smiled tiredly at him. “I can worry about more than one of you at a time.”

Eren cupped his mug, leeching the warmth. His hands were still slippery, and his eyes weren’t awake enough to see more than a colorful blur beyond Frieda’s face. He felt like he was inside Benjamin’s tank, being asked to swim around and breathe the water.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Frieda asked, echoing her sister.

Eren shrugged. “I talked about it in therapy.”

“Before or after rehab?”

Eren’s jaw locked. Frieda moved herself, switching to his side of the island. Compassion, not pity, layered her expression. Eren knew the difference. His pride wasn’t so clear, but his pride wasn’t worth anything. He turned his mug in his sliding hands.

His dad had been a coffee guy. Eren had been very little when he still worked at the hospital, and one of his favorite bedtime rituals was when his mom would pick him up, perching him on her hip and letting him start the coffeemaker to help daddy wake up for work. Even after he had his own practice, he drank some to start the morning off. Eren’s mom had complained regularly about the habit, and told Eren that if he ever needed more energy, he should consider something less addictive.

There hadn’t been any coffee in the house when Eren moved back in.

“There isn’t much to talk about,” he said. “I can call it an accident now.” Historia had seen to that. “It happened. He’s gone.” Eren had reacted by turning into a degenerate, and he wasn’t going to be that anymore. “I don’t know what else there is to say.”

He remembered apologizing to Zeke in the hospital. Over and over, saying it was all his fault their father was gone, and he was so so sorry, and several nurses swept in and ordered his brother out and then he was falling into a haze that became his only friend. He wondered if Zeke had tried to say anything before he left. He wondered if he had anything to say now, and if a weird phone call or text lay in wait in the day’s future.

Eren didn’t mean to ask it but the words came out and then he was watching Frieda’s face turn to broken glass. “What was it like when your dad died?”

Sharpness and warning lurked in Frieda’s gaze. Her arms came up to wrap around her sides, and her head lowered. Like a bull about to charge. Armin had told him once that bulls knew how to walk around in a china shop. Breaking everything wasn’t an inevitability. Eren didn’t think it worked the same way one on one.

“The situations can’t be compared,” Frieda said brusquely.

“I know that,” Eren said. But you have a baby half-sibling who was there for it, but you seem to like her, but you’re probably happy about which one lived, but don’t you have anything except calling one a murder and one an accident. “But you must have felt something about it.”

Frieda’s whole head rolled with her eyes. They glittered harshly under the kitchen lights. Her hands dropped her mug back to the island, and the clatter echoed.

The silence rang longer.

“Historia wasn’t dead,” she bit out at last. “I don’t know what else I felt. By the time it happened, I hadn’t seen either of them in over a year. Everything considered, the man I knew as my father died long before that.” She pulled a stray strand of hair away from her forehead. Her tone lost its hurry. “I missed him. Then I couldn’t. His death isn’t something I can regret. The… manner was horrific. But he was already gone, and what he left behind took all of my attention.”

Her eyes darted back down the hall.

“The situations can’t be compared,” she repeated. “My grief isn’t with the dead.”

“No.” Eren put his mug down next to hers. He wiped his hands on his blanket. Benjamin’s tank was behind him, or he would have turned to look at it, sleeping fish or no. Joining Frieda to lean against the island would feel too weird. He didn’t like talking to someone he couldn’t look at properly.

“I…” he said. “I can’t even miss him. All I end up thinking about when I try is how it happened, and all the stupid things I did after.” Or Zeke, who was an uncomfortable thought on peaceful days. Eren added, quietly, “I’m a terrible son.”

Frieda’s hand flipped out so fast he almost tried to dodge it. It landed on his shoulder, warm and firm. Nothing but compassion shone in her face, and it was weird having such kindness near so many bad memories.

“The dead don’t care how they’re remembered, Eren,” she said gently.

Tightness spread down Eren’s jaw and into his throat. “He was a good dad. He didn’t deserve…” Me.

Frieda pushed off the island and pulled Eren towards her. Eren tripped into the hug, sure he was going to topple right over her, but Frieda stood as solidly as a tree, and caught him easily. One arm wrapped around his shoulders while the other went upward, stroking the top of his head.

Eren froze. He stood stiff as a log with his chin on her shoulder. He’d been so sure he was taller than her. The telltale burning in his eyes spread like wildfire down his cheeks.

Frieda just held him, letting the drops wet her shirt.

Minutes passed before he could hug her back, but when he did, he clung on like she was the only life raft in the whole ocean.

----

Keeping up with Armin and Mikasa wasn’t easy. Eren stuck to Benjamin photos, mostly. Plus explanations for how he ended up with Benjamin. Sometimes pictures of the apartment.

They were more than he deserved, so they were okay with that. Mikasa sent him Rivaille photos back. Eren had never once missed Rivaille, and he was sure the feeling was mutual, but something about the pictures made some of the barbed wire around his heart unclench.

Armin kept up with copying Eren on his science fact subscription. He hadn’t said anything himself outside of a small thank-you for the Benjamin photos.

He texted Eren the morning of the anniversary of his father’s death. Proper morning, with the sun out. Long after Frieda had left the apartment and tucked Eren under his blanket on the couch, which he would feel bristly about when he stopped feeling grateful.

Eren’s mother had called, too. She’d asked about having him over for dinner. Because he could, he promised to be there.

Zeke had sent him a reminder about the week’s baseball game. If he felt like participating.

Mikasa sent him double the Rivaille pictures without a word.

Petra had emailed him recipes.

Armin’s was the message he was having trouble looking at.

Eren had the day off. By coincidence, not anything intentional. His boss was doing one of his mass cleaning days. Usual design meant a dozen of his closest bar friends and a ton of alcohol. The work got done, but it was a party excuse more than anything. Eren had opted out of this year’s round for obvious reasons. Reiner was helping one of the Galliards’ friends move. None of his other regulars had requested the day.

He sat on his bed, contemplating his phone.

Footsteps padded by his room before he made any profound resolutions.

“You’re getting a lot of messages today,” Historia said from his doorway. She was still in her pajamas. Circles dark enough to be makeup were under her eyes, and she was carrying a bowl of cereal.

“Sorry,” Eren said automatically. “I can switch it to vibrate if you’re going to be home.”

Historia lingered. “I was wondering if something was wrong.”

Eren crossed his legs, phone in hand. Historia had seen him sleeping on the couch. She’d also known Frieda long enough to recognize her handwriting on the note left on the armrest. She wasn’t enough of a snoop to investigate, but it didn’t take an Armin to put two and two together.

“My dad died a year ago today,” Eren said, all at once.

Historia said, “Oh.”

She didn’t keep moving towards her room.

They hadn’t really left their talk about her wanting to kill herself in a great place. It left a shadow over everything. Quiet was picking up the pattern of going awkward fast. He didn’t have any good answers, she hadn’t found her better, and they were both waiting for the restless discomfort to land somewhere workable.

He knew he was crap at helping people, but he’d wanted to think that he could help the one friend he hadn’t screwed up. All he’d come up with was understanding a bit better why Frieda was someone she thought was worth staying alive for when nothing else was.

“Armin and Mikasa wanted to check in?” Historia asked.

“Yeah,” Eren said. His fingers drummed against his phone case. “I guess, anyway. I haven’t looked at Armin’s thing yet. That’s probably what it is.”

Historia stayed where she was, standing in the hallway like a tiny bedraggled gargoyle. Her spoon slipped halfheartedly in its bowl. “You can invite them over, if you want.”

Eren barked out a laugh. “I can barely text them.”

“I didn’t mean today,” she said. “Unless they’d help. Just that you can.” She pulled at a string dangling from her sleeve. The spoon slid again. “That’s what people do with friends, isn’t it? Invite them over when things are bad?”

Armin and Mikasa had never been far enough away that Eren had to invite them.

“Probably,” Eren said.

Historia’s back was resting on the hallway wall. She wasn’t really looking at him, since looking would take something a little more human in her eyes, but she was clearly trying. “Do you want me to read it?”

“No.”

He said it fast enough to make it obvious he’d been thinking about it. Eren shifted his grip around his phone. The notification blip was staring at him. It reminded him of the look Armin got when he wasn’t sure if he should say what was on his genius mind or not.

Eren was projecting and he knew it, but the image was still crystal clear.

“I’ll read it,” he said. “I just needed a second, and I’ve had plenty.”

Historia watched him for a handful more. He would have put on his well-adjusted mask, but that wasn’t supposed to be a mask, and he didn’t have one anyway. And maybe on a day like today, ‘okay’ wasn’t the standard people were expecting.

“Okay,” Historia said, leaving the wall. “Let me know if you need… anything.”

Eren waved her off halfheartedly, and it was good enough.

His finger hovered over the text app icon.

He was being stupid again. Knowing it didn’t make it feel much better. There was a vice around his temples, and if he wanted to he could be more of a child and put off looking until he’d counted out his pulse. Each beat came like a nail into a coffin.

Thoughts of sunny skies and funerals danced along to the sound.

Eren clicked the icon with a rough jerk of his fingers, the waiting words bouncing off his eyes. He wasn’t going back to that place. Not now, not ever. It didn’t matter what day of the year it was.

Resolve as settled as it could be, he read the damn message. The first real words Armin had sent his way since walking in on the worst thing Eren had ever done to him. Proof that Armin had always been the braver one.

“I know it might be a little much,” the text read, “but I wanted to say it again. We’re here for you, Eren.”

Eren couldn’t breathe for a moment.

A lengthy one, air halting in his lungs with the force of a tennis ball against a brick wall.

He’d never really been able to forget Armin. He’d tried, and he’d lied to himself about how often his thoughts went to his best friend. He’d told himself the jump his nerves gave the first time he saw Historia out of the corner of his eye had nothing to do with anything like hope. He’d shouted at himself to give up on the fantasy of sharing an apartment with his best friend after he’d had to move back in with his mom.

Somewhere, though—everywhere—Armin left a shadow.

The brave, brilliant boy who had let Eren be his best friend.

The boy he’d betrayed. The one who still cared anyway.

Tears came before the sobs wanted to. The words blurred, and the back of his throat burned. He clutched his covers in his hand, bringing them up to dry his eyes, but it only seemed to spread the wetness all over his face.

He didn’t deserve these people. Not a single one.

The dark, wretched hatred for himself tried to rise up the way it always did, waiting to point out how fucking obvious that had always been, waiting to scream and rage over how badly he had fucked up for this perfect friend, but its foothold melted away before it could even start. A glow, softer and more solid than any of the biting fury he’d spent a year letting consume him, walled the dark feelings off.

Armin was still trying. All of them were still trying.

He didn’t deserve them. There was a good shot that nothing he did would ever come close to being worthy of any of them or their love, but he could do better than being a ghosting asshole who couldn’t be bothered to let his friends know he was alive without a middleman.

Fingers damp and shaking, Eren typed out his reply.

thank you

----

Reiner wanted to do a triathlon.

There shouldn’t have been a problem with that. Most of Eren’s clients were training up for one event or another. Some of them could be defined as seasonal with how regular they were with their patronage. He wasn’t big on swimming, but he knew his way around the necessities. Reiner was a far shot from his peak still, but his body could take it.

“For fuck’s sake,” said one problem, “Reiner, I’ll handle the bike, you go scrub your face before you blind yourself.”

Eren wasn’t sure if Ymir was a person anyone was meant to get along with. She seemed to delight in that part of herself. Half of every way she interacted with him whenever they were in the same space had to do with annoying him, and all of it was on purpose.

She was paying to be part of Reiner’s training program.

“I like biking,” she’d said, flipping through one of her manuscripts. “Is giving you money some kind of crime now?”

Bertolt had looked seconds away from saying something that entire round of breakfast. Which Reiner had somehow turned into part of their routine when he wasn’t looking. By the time Eren left, Bertolt still hadn’t made much of a comment, but he wouldn’t stop giving Ymir odd looks. She didn’t glance back at him once.

Ymir did like biking, Reiner had confided. She refused to pay extra for a parking spot in her apartment complex, so she’d taken it up with spiteful enthusiasm. Eren thought it likely that was how she ran her entire life.

The main problem with all of this wasn’t actually Ymir.

It was Reiner not being great with bikes. He had no feel for turns. He was new to road racing. He’d had to buy a bike because he didn’t own one. Most of their rides included a devoted portion of attention going to making sure Reiner didn’t go crashing down the mountain trail.

Like he’d just tried to do.

Ymir didn’t bother being gentle about shoving Reiner towards the bathrooms of the camping area they’d reached. Sap and pine needles had taken over his forehead, and Eren could spot some red leaking through the dirt. He’d been able to catch Reiner before he rolled too far, but they’d been going fast, and Reiner hit the sloping ground hard.

Eren picked a collection of muddy leaves off his elbow, walking his bike over to where Ymir was fixing Reiner’s back to one piece.

“He’s like this,” she told him, pulling at the chain. “No thinking, just pure finish line glamour taking up his head. He’s only trying for it because the local paper brought it up as a great, inspiring yearly surge of community energy.” She dusted a spot of grime aggressively from her hand. “Because he’s all about getting his surges of community energy without paying people in back alleys now.”

“Is that why you came along?” Eren asked. “To keep an eye on him?”

Ymir frowned. She tipped her helmet back and cast Eren a look that managed to be more uninviting than her usual smirk. Eren, sweaty, hot, and used to nasty looks, let the staring contest go on until she rolled her eyes and went back to the bike.

“Reiner’s a full-fledged adult,” she said, sarcasm coming like a song. “Why would anyone ever need to keep an eye on him? It isn’t like we’ve all had to watch him try to kill himself with drugs several times over.”

Eren kept his mouth shut.

Ymir shook her head and huffed out a laugh that maybe wasn’t mocking. “Don’t try to give me too much credit, Eren. I’m not hovering because I don’t trust him—that’s Bert’s thing. I just know him. He can’t cut off the part of his head that has him hitting rock bottom with his crap. Moderation would take him being less of a masochist. Someone needs to be around to catch him when he takes a stage dive off the edge of a cliff.”

“I caught him,” Eren couldn’t help but point out. With more edge than he really meant to add.

“Yeah.” Ymir finished up with the chain and propped herself up. The gleam in her eye was duller than he was used to. “Nice reflexes, by the way. Not what I expected from someone who can’t dodge a tennis ball.”

Eren pointedly took a drag from his water bottle. Giving Ymir words to build on was the latest habit he was finally starting to break. Her smile glinted at him through the shade.

“How long have you known each other?”

Ymir shrugged. “Life, I guess. Long enough to not bother counting.”

She pulled off her helmet and ran a hand through her hair, collecting droplets of sweat and flicking them into the air. Nothing else gave away how hard they’d been riding. Her rust-red shirt was clear of any darker patches, and the only breathing Eren heard out of her the whole way up was her loud sighs. She leaned casually between her bike and Reiner’s, watching the path he’d taken to the restrooms.

“Was it hard?”

She spared him a flicker of interest. “Excruciating. No one needs that many years with Reiner.”

Eren took off his own helmet. “That wasn’t what I meant.”

“Then try speaking a little more plainly for the peanut gallery.”

Eren lowered himself to his handlebars, taking in the leaves and the weeds on the ground instead of wasting his pride on eye contact. A lizard skittered past. “After you found out about the heroin,” he said. “Did… what was it like getting back to normal?”

Ymir’s shadow didn’t move in the dirt. He heard another of her sighs. A lighter, unintentional kind. Reiner’s kickstand creaked under her weight.

“Have some people you want to reconnect with?” she asked at last.

Eren didn’t see a point denying it. “Yeah.”

She chuckled dryly. Her shadow took another swipe at her hair. “Then you’re talking to the wrong focus group.” She spun her helmet in her hand. “Reiner fucked himself up while I was serving out a sentence for my own illegal recreational hobbies. By the time I got out, there wasn’t any point caring how badly we’d screwed ourselves. We could all lend a helping hand or fuck off and never speak to each other again.” Eren looked up in time to catch her smirking at him. “Guess which option a little birdie just out of a cage is stuck with?”

Eren had too much experience with Historia to want to ask what Ymir had done to land herself in jail. He also couldn’t really be surprised.

“That’s why Bert’s so pissy about all of this. Aside from the obvious,” Ymir added. She kept spinning her helmet. “He had to sit through every minute. Second chances after you’ve watched the first three go up in smoke are hard to keep going.” She eyed Eren, a peculiar smile playing at her lips. “That’s not you though, is it? One and done. You really want the sort of friends who’ll ditch you over that?”

Eren’s phone burned a hole in his back pocket. “They never ditched me.”

Ymir graced him with an oddly respectful silence. They both watched another lizard run through the disturbed leaves Reiner’s fall had kicked up. Squirrels were chittering in the above trees. One by the nearest campsite sent a pinecone crashing to the ground. Birds were singing.

“Other way around, huh?”

Eren’s nod felt like bending steel.

Ymir laughed her way through a sigh. “Nice. Nothing like being a crappy person to people who deserve the best.” She rested her chin on a fist. Reiner’s bike tilted heavily under her. “Sit back, pray, and hope they’re stupid enough to still want you when you stumble on back. There’s not much else for it.”

Tired gloom drifted over her face with the clouds, sharpening the hard look in her eyes.

“You’ve even got a handicap. You already know they’ll take you back” she said tightly. “Spend less time whining about it and more time working with it. Then let the magic of friendship take over and deal with whatever new normal that saddles you with. Or are you stupid enough to be picky about that?”

“Yes,” was the answer to that.

Eren looked out at the beaten path to the restrooms. He felt fidgety.

He’d known Armin and Mikasa all his life. Or at least the parts of it that mattered. He didn’t want a new normal. He wanted the peaceful, carefree days before him being a fucking moron. He didn’t want awkward prodding about whether or not they might want to drop by his new place and say hi; he wanted them to have keys and waltz in like they owned it.

He wanted to skip a whole bunch of steps in how they’d fix everything. Just because he missed them, and the hate had receded enough for that to start aching.

Reiner stepped back outside, newly clean and waving in their direction before he started jogging over.

Ymir bumped her helmet against the top of Eren’s head. He looked over. She was still lounging against the handlebars.

“Eren?” she said. “I’m here because Reiner can’t ride a fucking bike.”

[next]

#drug au #fic #mine #long post

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tamtam-go92 · 5 years

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Hallo again! I hope you had a wonderful Easter!

Sorry for the lack of Strangest Town content. I’ve been on Easter vacation and never had a stable enough internet connection to upload to my queue. Also, I haven’t finished playing the “Nerdists” yet, so it’ll take some time for the queue to start again. Sorry… And it seems I don’t have enough Sim Projects already, so I couldn’t stop thinking about something while on Easter vacation. You know this theory (from the sims wiki), that Riverblossom Hills is based on Pleasantview and its characters are parodies of the beloved base game characters? Well, here’s the concept about:

PLEASANTHILLS and RIVERBLOSSOM VIEW

More behind the cut!

A lot has happened in 25 years, but some new faces in town are stirring up rivalries and creating tension for the once happy families. Can anything be done to get the neighborhood feeling good again?

Ottomas Family 55 Woodland Drive

§929 Samatha Ottomas, David Ottomas, Tommy Ottomas Samantha was left to raise two boys alone following her husband's suspicious pool ladder accident. With David acting out, can Samantha teach young Tommy to make the right choices in life?

Wan Household 170 Main Street

§1,040 Cleo Shikibu, Patricia Wan Was it just coincidence that these two friends arrived on the eve of Stella’s disappearance? And is their interest in Morty physical... or fiscal?

Martin Family 195 Main Street

§968 Andrew Martin, Jacob Martin Andrew is pursuing his dream of being a professional gamer, while his son Jacob hits the books. And Andrew may have found his muse, but will his creativity be enough to win Sandra’s affection?

Roth Family 165 Sim Lane

§511,632 Morty Roth, Sandra Roth, Xander Roth Sandra is ready to start a family of her own, but can she tame the town Casanova? And can Morty bounce back after the disappearance of his wife Stella?

McGreggor Family 150 Main Street

§968 Leod McGreggor Who is Leod McGreggor? Is his engagement to Sandra Roth genuine? And what about the rumor that her mother, Stella, was last seen scaling the deck of his condo?

O’Mackey Family 215 Sim Lane

§2,250 Gabe O’Mackey, Alexandra O’Mackey, Angela O’Mackey, Jules O’Mackey On the surface, Gabe and Alexandra O’Mackey seem to have the perfect life, but is their love a flimsy façade? And can Angela and Jules make the right choices when it comes to love?

Greenman Family

§21,901 Rose Greenman, Jason Greenman, Daisy Greenman Rose, Jason and young Daisy have decided to trade the fast-paced city life for some fresh air, and hope to make a nice home here in Pleasanthills.

Ramaswami Family

§20,900 Sanjay Ramaswami, Priya Ramaswami The Ramaswamis are simply one of the nicest families around. Their years together through good and bad have made them into the wonderful parents, and grandparents, they are today.

Many Sims have relocated to the quiet, comfortable countryside, in the hopes that life and family can firmly plant their roots in the middle of nowhere. Fresh crops aren’t the only thing growing in the farming community of Riverblossom View– love is in the air and many a relationship is on the verge of blossoming. Unfortunately, problems are bound to sprout in a town this small. Things are looking up, but hearts can always turn cold with the onset of winter.

Burb Family 110 Old Farm Road

§2,556 Jennifer Burb, John Burb, Lucy Burb Jennifer gave up his name and changed his lifestyle for the love of her green-skinned god. Despite the love that they share will they be able to raise a happy, healthy child? Can John adjust to living in a town instead of the great outdoors?

Lothario Family 115 Old Farm Road

§2,500 Don Lothario Don Lothario has a farm... and an orchard. Will he be so focused on gardening that he forgets to cultivate friendships?

Pleasant Family 211 Huckleberry Lane

§4,495 Daniel Pleasant, Lilith Pleasant After his wife left to become a big City politician, it took Daniel a long time to trust again. Is his relationship with Nina meant to last? Will Nina and Lilith be able to work out their problems and realize how similar they really are?

Goth Family 208 Welsh Lane

§54,328 Mortimer Goth, Bella Goth, Cassandra Goth, Alexander Goth Having recently moved to Riverblossom View has had a wonderful effect on the Goths! Cassandra and Alexander are doing great in school, Mortimer found a great job, but Bella seems a bit restless...

Caliente Household 204 Old Farm Road

§8,575 Tango Caliente, Frieda Goth, Darren Dreamer, Dirk Dreamer Can Tango and Frieda cope with the loss of their close friend and face their own imminent mortality or will they find a way to cheat death? Will Darren and Dirk find a way to fulfill their dreams in the great arts of life?

Caliente Family 202 Welsh Lane

§2,326 Nina Caliente, Dina Caliente Nina and Dina moved to town when their uncle, Tango, offered them her old home - which they just finished remodeling. Will they find excitement in this quiet town after the dust has cleared? Will Nina and Daniel make a life together?

Pleasant Family

§21,600 Mary-Sue Pleasant Mary-Sue succumbed to the call of the big city and left her family to pursue her dream. Will living the hard-bitten politician life be enough to keep her on top?

Broke Family

§35,642 Flo Broke, Skip Broke, Brandi Broke, Dustin Broke, Sharla Broke, Beau Broke Large families have a lot of love to share, but also require a lot of work - especially with more children on the way! Will grandma's help be enough to keep this family strong?

Oldie Family

§35,000 Herb Oldie, Coral Oldie Herb and Coral are ready to settle down and start their life together! Will they settle in the beautiful town of Riverblossom View or find a new place to make their happy home?

#the sims 2 #pleasantview #riverblossom hills #pleasanthills #riverblossom view #I don't think I will ever get around to set this actually up #I'm not good at setting up complex neighborhoods or fiddling with memories etc.#But maybe somebody else would be interestet?

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travelguy4444 · 5 years

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How to Live and Travel Full-Time by RV

Posted: 3/7/2019 | March 7th, 2019

Over the past few years, there has been an explosion of people giving up the daily grind to live and travel in vans, RVs, and other nontraditional abodes. While traveling in an RV has been something people have been doing for decades, new sharing economy websites, better resources online, more modern vans, and a growing community that can provide support have made it easier for anyone to travel full-time in an RV.

What used to be traditionally and predominantly an activity for older, retired, or family travelers is now something people of all ages are trying to do.

One just has to look up #vanlife on social media to see!

(An aside: I hate the #vanlife movement. The faux Instagram movement does nothing for me. Just a bunch of millennials searching out that perfect sponsored photo and talking about how woke they are (for the most part)).

But #vanlife aside, RV travel is a wonderful way to see the world.

“How do you travel in an RV?” is one of the questions I’m most asked.

So today, we’re going to the experts and talking full-time RV with nomads Marc and Julie from RV Love. This couple joined my blogging program a few years ago, hoping to find a way to spread the gospel of living and traveling in an RV to the wider world. (Spoiler: they did. And they just published a book with Simon & Schuster about it too!)

They’ve been driving around in their RV for nearly five years and, today, they share their wisdom about how to travel by RV:

Nomadic Matt: Tell us about yourselves! How did you get into this? Marc and Julie: We’re Marc and Julie Bennett, full-time RVers since 2014, living, working, and traveling in our motorhome as we explore North America and the world! We met on the dating website eHarmony while both living in Colorado in 2010, married in 2011, and hit the road three years later!

Why did you pick traveling in an RV as your way to get around? We knew we wanted to do a lot more extended travel while we were still working. We get such little vacation time here in the USA, and we didn’t want that to limit our lives. So we started exploring different ways to bring more travel and adventure into our everyday life without Marc having to give up his job as project manager of operations, which he was able to do from home.

We considered international travel, but there were two main reasons why wasn’t a fit: the challenge of time zones, and more specifically, we wanted to travel with our dog Coda. Plus, we love to drive, so RVing was really the ideal solution for us. We love that wherever we go, we’re always home, and we’re not living out of suitcases.

We’re both passionate about driving, so it makes sense that we would choose to live and travel by RV, although we usually prefer more sporty rides when it comes to entertainment, as we both have a love for sports cars and convertibles.

What’s life like living and traveling around in an RV? We just entered our fifth year on the road full-time as RVers, and we recently changed from a 2012 36’ gas Class A motorhome to a 1999 40’ diesel motorhome! We bucked the trend and went bigger (and older and cheaper, but much higher quality), and we’re actually doing a complete remodel of our RV this summer.

Traditionally, we spend about 80% of our time in campgrounds and about 20% dry camping, but we recently installed a big lithium battery bank and solar system on our RV, so we plan on spending a lot more time camping off the grid out in nature in the coming years. We try to spend 2-3 weeks in each location, but that varies on where we are, the weather, and what projects we have on our plates. We moved pretty fast in our first 3+ years, having visited all 50 states while still working full-time.

This year, we have so many big and exciting projects on our plates, we’re really feeling the need to slow down, catch our breath, and get caught up on our content! We tend to wing our plans a lot more than we used to, as we’re more comfortable and confident RVers now.

An average day depends on whether you have to work or not. We love that we no longer have a commute and that the views outside our windows change every week or so. Nature is a big part of our everyday life, so it can be easier to get in more walking, hiking, biking, or kayaking. We definitely get to see more sunsets — that’s a big thing for a lot of RVers.

RV life is still life. You need to go grocery shopping, make meals, do laundry, pay bills, and do housework. Then there’s RV maintenance and repairs! There’s almost always something to do on an RV — tighten screws, replace parts, troubleshoot issues, check your tire pressure, fix whatever’s broken.

Upon arrival at a destination, it usually takes less than 30 minutes to set up. It may sound like a hassle, but if you’re staying a week or more, it becomes a small percentage of your time. And RV life can be as social as you like. We tend to mostly stay in campgrounds, so it’s not too difficult to meet new people. And we also go to RV rallies to meet up with our RVing friends, who we stay in touch with online. It can take a little time to build your RV community, but if you put yourself out there, it can happen pretty quickly!

Do you need a lot of mechanical skills to do this? When you’re traveling around in an RV, if you aren’t already handy, you’ll learn to be! It’s definitely an advantage to become somewhat mechanical and familiar with simple tools. The RVing community is very helpful and supportive when it comes to finding answers for issues you may have — whether online (in social media groups) or in person. At RV parks and campgrounds, you will usually find someone reasonably experienced and mechanically oriented nearby. If you are not skilled or it’s a complex job, you can usually find a local or mobile repair person to perform needed maintenance or repairs.

We recommend sticking with a less complex RV when starting out. The more simple the RV, the more reliable and easy to fix they are likely to be, and you can tackle many repairs yourself. As full-time RVers driving a Class A motorhome, we only need to take our RV into repair facilities 2-3 times per year on average.

Many RV repairs are fairly simple, and that’s when YouTube and Google are your friends! One of our favorite YouTube channels is the RV Geeks, who make DIY how-to videos to help you make simple repairs and upgrades. It’s often more convenient (and definitely cheaper) to do many RV repairs yourself. And you may even want to consider an extended service contract to cover your RV for repairs outside of the manufacturer’s warranty period and help limit repair costs.

Are there any personality traits you think are necessary for living in an RV? Flexibility, adaptability, resourcefulness, and a sense of humor! Just like any other kind of travel, things don’t always go the way you want, RVs break (or break down), and travel plans go awry when you least expect it, so you need to be able to find a creative solution, often on the fly. It really helps to be handy or at least be willing to have a go at DIY fixes. RVers learn to become much more self-sufficient pretty quickly.

Anyone can RV if they really want to. It doesn’t matter about your age, life stage, relationship status, or financial situation. In our book, we share the inspiring story of 69-year-old Frieda who hit the road solo after her husband passed away and drove to Alaska to celebrate her 70th birthday. She’s been on the road for two years now and is still going strong.

Another great case study from the book is Nik and Allison (31 and 30). They share why they decided to RV and explore the country before they started a family. They follow the FIRE philosophy (Financial Independence, Retire Early) and save more than 50% of their income so Nik can be a stay-at-home dad. RVing for a year and a half while still working allowed them to do a lot of travel affordably while keeping them on track with their financial and life goals.

There really is no “one way” to RV, just the right way for you. That’s why, when writing our book Living the RV Life: Your Ultimate Guide to Life on the Road, we wanted to create a roadmap for people that would help them hit the road and thrive, keeping them on track with their personal goals while they’re doing it. That’s been a big part of our own success. We’re almost five years in now and still living and loving the RV Life. Now we’re showing others how they can do it too.

A lot of people are embracing RV/van life these days. Why do you think that is? We think it’s a perfect storm of several things colliding simultaneously:

A lot of people are questioning the traditional American Dream as a path to success or happiness — the idea of postponing your life, travels, and experiences until retirement just doesn’t really make sense, and of course, the future is promised to no one. Why not travel while you have youth and health on your side?

Technology is enabling us to live and work from pretty much anywhere, and more companies are allowing people to work remotely, and more people are starting their own businesses.

Then there’s social media and FOMO! With the increased awareness that RV or van life is possible through watching people’s YouTube channels, Facebook pages, and Instagram feeds, other people are beginning to realize you can travel and see cool places, and live or work in forests or by lakes — and they want to do it too. America has long been famous for iconic road trips — and RVs and van life offer the ultimate freedom: exploring the country on wheels.

How much money will people need before they dive into RV life? It’s a good idea to pay off as much unsecured debt as possible before hitting the road. Less debt lightens your load and allows you to really enjoy the freedoms of RV life.

It all depends on how you want to RV, and your budget. Generally, we recommend people try to save up a few months of living expenses to get started, and as a backup for unforeseen challenges and expenses. Life happens, and you just never know when you may be hit with an unexpected expense or expensive RV repair.

As a guide, as long as you plan and budget carefully, and make a good RV purchasing decision, it’s possible to RV full-time for about $2,000–$3,000 per month. Some do it for less, and others do it for way more. But across the board, we find most RVers end up spending about the same in their RV life as they did in their regular life.

Just like in traditional life, you just have to plan to live and travel within your means. Plus, your ability to earn an income while you travel is a huge factor. If you can work from the road while you RV — as was the case for us — it can be a pretty simple trade.

For example, we sold our townhome and traded our mortgage payment, HOA, utility bills, and two car payments for:

A used RV, which we financed

A less-expensive car that we paid cash for

Campground and fuel expenses

What we previously spent on home repairs and maintenance for our home is now redirected to our RV. Same goes for RV insurance and roadside assistance. We tend to spend a bit more on eating out and entertainment, as we’re always on the move and experiencing new places. But it’s easy to save money by making meals in your RV, and there’s no shortage of things you can do for free, like hiking, biking, and kayaking.

Many people (like us) are able to work remotely with just an internet connection. Some work seasonally, then take a few months off to travel and explore. Other careers, like nursing, hospitality, agriculture, and construction are highly transferable to new locations, especially for seasonal work. For some lines of work, it can actually be easier to find jobs by having the ability to follow the work around the country.

We have met people who live full-time in vans or RVs frugally, for less than $20,000 per year. And we have seen others who spend well over $60,000 per year. Like all other forms of travel (and life!), expenses are variable, depending on how you do it.

What tips do you have for people who aren’t sure what RV, van, or trailer they should get? Buying an RV can be expensive, and buying the wrong RV can be even more expensive! Like anything with wheels, RVs depreciate (hard), and so doing your research in advance pays off. Before you even set foot on an RV dealer’s lot or go check out the RV you found on Craigslist, ask yourself:

Who is traveling with you?

How much do you plan to travel? (weekends, part-time, full-time)

Where do you want to go? (campgrounds and RV parks or off-grid camping in national forests?)

Generally speaking, you’ll want to choose the smallest RV that you feel that you can comfortably live in. Smaller RVs offer more flexibility to access more places. Larger RVs are more comfortable for extended travel but will be more limiting in terms of where you can take them, especially if you want to stay in national parks and do off-grid camping.

Don’t overinvest in your first RV — it’s the one that will teach you what is most important to you and your travel style. Start out by buying used. You will avoid the steepest part of the depreciation curve. Plus, you’ll have a much better idea of what’s important to you when it comes time to buy your second RV. It’s possible to nail it with your first RV purchase, but not without a lot of research and clarity around your priorities.

What are some common pitfalls to avoid when starting out? Full-time RVing is not a vacation, it’s a lifestyle. It’s exciting when you start. You want to go everywhere and see and do everything. Try to create a sustainable travel pace from the beginning. Stay longer in an area. It’s cheaper – in terms of fuel and campground fees – and you’ll really be able to immerse yourself, explore, and even feel like a local for a while.

Second, it’s easy for people to think they need a big RV to be comfortable, especially when coming from a bigger home. In the RV lifestyle, your environment and views are constantly changing, so your world feels a lot bigger, even if your living space isn’t. It’s easier to live in a smaller space than you might expect, especially with way less “stuff.” Remember our advice above when it comes to choosing the right RV, so you can avoid that expensive mistake.

And finally, it can be hard to resist buying gadgets and gear before you even buy your RV! Every RV has cupboards and storage of different sizes and shapes, and you won’t know what fits where until you have your RV. Save money by hitting the road with the essentials, then spend some time traveling before investing in too many upgrades or gear. You’ll want to make sure they are going to be a fit for your preferred travel style. You can always buy what you need as you go. Don’t take too much stuff! You need less than you think and can get what you need as you travel.

Do you have any recommended companies for vans/RVs? What about resources for finding where to camp/park? It’s a good idea to consider renting an RV or van first, to see if you even like the lifestyle. You can rent RVs from rental companies and even from private individuals, which gives you more variety in the types of RVs you can choose from. This is really useful for helping you decide what kind of RV is right for you, before buying one. It may seem expensive, but making the wrong decision isn’t cheap either! Many large RV dealerships rent RVs, there are large rental chains like cruiseamerica.com or www.roadbearrv.com, but if you want to rent an RV from individuals for more variety, consider doing so via rvshare.com.

It is difficult to make specific recommendations about buying RVs, as there are hundreds of manufacturers, models, and types, and RVs are not like cars. The options, features, and price range of RVs vary widely. That said, we generally recommend buying a preowned RV, as they are usually more affordable, and, contrary to cars, you will generally experience fewer issues with a well-maintained preowned RV than with a brand-new unit. That’s because every RV — much like building a new house or condo — will have a “punch list” of items that need to be fixed for the first few months (or more) after you drive it off the dealer’s lot.

You can find RVs at RV dealers, on websites like RVTrader.com, as well as on Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace, and from friends and family. Local RV parks often have a community notice board of RVs for sale, too.

If you want to camp for free on public lands, there are websites like Campendium.com and Frugal Shunpiker’s Guides to find free camping areas. And there are thousands of RV parks and campgrounds around the country, which you can you find online, through apps, and in camping directories.

You can also look into camping memberships that offer discounts on your stays. For example, we spend a lot of time in a campground membership network that literally saves us thousands of dollars per year. Other websites and apps we recommend include CampgroundViews.com, Campendium, and AllStays. There are a ton out there, and you can find many more resources in our book and at our website, RV Love of course! 🙂

***

If you want more information, Marc and Julie Bennett are RVers who live, work, and travel from the road full-time, and since hitting the road in 2014, have visited all 50 USA states, plus Canada and Mexico. They are co-authors of Living the RV Life: Your Ultimate Guide to Life on the Road, and you can follow along on their journey via their website RV Love as well as their social media channels!

If you’d like to dive deep and get hands-on help on starting your own RV life, they also run online courses at RVSuccessSchool.com. As a Nomadic Matt reader, you can get 10% off their course with the code NOMADICMATT. Just input the code when you sign up!

Book Your Trip: Logistical Tips and Tricks

Book Your Flight Find a cheap flight by using Skyscanner or Momondo. They are my two favorite search engines because they search websites and airlines around the globe, so you always know no stone is being left unturned.

Book Your Accommodation You can book your hostel with Hostelworld, as it has the largest inventory. If you want to stay somewhere other than a hostel, use Booking.com, as it consistently returns the cheapest rates for guesthouses and cheap hotels. I use them both all the time.

Don’t Forget Travel Insurance Travel insurance will protect you against illness, injury, theft, and cancellations. It’s comprehensive protection in case anything goes wrong. I never go on a trip without it, as I’ve had to use it many times in the past. I’ve been using World Nomads for ten years. My favorite companies that offer the best service and value are:

World Nomads (for everyone below 70)

Insure My Trip (for those over 70)

Looking for the best companies to save money with? Check out my resource page for the best companies to use when you travel! I list all the ones I use when I travel — and they will save you time and money too!

The post How to Live and Travel Full-Time by RV appeared first on Nomadic Matt's Travel Site.

source https://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/rv-travel-tips/

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jeffreyclinard · 5 years

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How to Live and Travel Full-Time by RV

Posted: 3/7/2019 | March 7th, 2019

What used to be traditionally and predominantly an activity for older, retired, or family travelers is now something people of all ages are trying to do.

One just has to look up #vanlife on social media to see!

But #vanlife aside, RV travel is a wonderful way to see the world.

“How do you travel in an RV?” is one of the questions I’m most asked.

They’ve been driving around in their RV for nearly five years and, today, they share their wisdom about how to travel by RV:

A lot of people are embracing RV/van life these days. Why do you think that is? We think it’s a perfect storm of several things colliding simultaneously:

Technology is enabling us to live and work from pretty much anywhere, and more companies are allowing people to work remotely, and more people are starting their own businesses.

For example, we sold our townhome and traded our mortgage payment, HOA, utility bills, and two car payments for:

A used RV, which we financed

A less-expensive car that we paid cash for

Campground and fuel expenses

Who is traveling with you?

How much do you plan to travel? (weekends, part-time, full-time)

Where do you want to go? (campgrounds and RV parks or off-grid camping in national forests?)

***

Book Your Trip: Logistical Tips and Tricks

World Nomads (for everyone below 70)

Insure My Trip (for those over 70)

The post How to Live and Travel Full-Time by RV appeared first on Nomadic Matt's Travel Site.

from Traveling News https://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/rv-travel-tips/

0 notes