#mental health or lack thereof

[glassrunner]

do you ever feel like it’s too late for you? and that you’ve sealed yourself into some banal, meaningless, worthless existence? and that the only way to escape it is to not have made some mistake you didn’t even know you were making in the first place?

#mental health or lack thereof #insights #i feel inarticulately bad and frustrated on a cosmic level #how do i go back??? #how do i un-fuck it all now that i know how i screw myself over?

[lazyscience]

Gift knitting, mittens and a hat, probably won't be done for Christmas but oh well. It's soft and warm and colorful and I need something to do that isn't doomscrolling. Keep going, all, whatever fuels your fires.

#holiday knitting #mental health or lack thereof

[tassium]

Watched a video the other day explaining how Gifted Kids are in fact Special Needs Kids who aren’t having those needs met.

He explained it like... give two kids the same number of Legos. Now give one kid a basic shed instruction sheet and give the other one an instruction sheet for a mansion. They can put in the same amount of time and effort and get totally different results because one of the lists requires more resources and effort than the other.

Being a gifted kid doesn’t mean life or school is easier. It means being held to a higher standard but not being given any more time or materials than everyone else.

#gifted kid #expectations #special needs #idk what else #mental health or lack thereof

[luminarai]

Me when other people are having a bad day and making small mistakes and feeling frustrated because of it: hey, it’s alright! Everybody has bad days, it doesn’t make you a bad person or mean you’re somehow not worthy or undeserving of kindness and love. Try to be kind to yourself if you can, you’re trying and sometimes that’s all you can do.

Me when I’m having a bad day and making small mistakes and I feel frustrated because of it: ah yes I see. I’m actually the worst person to ever exist! That checks out.

#cecil blogs her life #🙃🙃🙃 #just me being the bane of my therapist’s existence/the reason she can afford a nice holiday with her kids #mental health #just the old self worth stuff or lack thereof it’s whatever

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

I'm such a perfectionist that I physically can not stand the moments after posting the fic. Like I'm so convinced everything I write is a garbage because it's not The Best TM that my skin crawls with embarrassment everytime I remember that I "wasted someone's time". And it's not fully rational because I receive plenty of positive and wholesome feedback so it's obviously not 100% bad - like with everything, someone likes it, someone hates it. But it reminds me very much my autistic anxiety in situations when I don't get all the cues so I can't asses whether my behaviour is appropriate. Similarly English is not my fist language so I can't accurately judge how well I use it. Which is double infuriating when I know how good my skills are in Polish. It feels like trying to build an actual working MacBook having only Lego at disposal.

Sorry for the amount of self pity, I just had to vent because I made myself cry, you know, like a big girl. Also tomorrow I'm seeing the draft board (it's mandatory for all psychology students) and I'm scared as fuck.

#private #mental health or rather lack of thereof

[jacksonthereaper]

TW// Suicidal thoughts, mental exhaustion, lack of self worth

Doubt anyone's gonna see this but fuck it i might as well drop this in here

I'm so tired

I'm 15 years old male in 10th grade and i'm just so tired of everything. Tired of doing so much and putting in all the effort i can only to be criticized at the slightest mistake, tired of always trying so hard to be nice to others yet only being noticed when i'm rude or doing something bad or embarrassing, tired of this garbage world filled with wars, pollution, genocide, hunger, poverty, discrimination, disease, etc.

I feel like i'm losing more and more motivation with each and every single day that passes, beit for doing things i like, things i don't like, things i have to do, etc. I'm not particularly angry or sad or scared or frustrated, i guess i'm a little melancholic but overall i'm just exhausted, numb, and, most of all, bitter.

I still feel some amount of joy, but it feels so vain and empty. I eat something delicious, i listen to some music, i watch something funny on YouTube, on TV, etc., then i go right back to my misery. I just want someone to hear me calling for help. I just want to feel like someone actually gives a flying fuck about what i have to say, or wants me to feel better, or even just cares about my existence at all.

I don't even know anymore man. I'm just running out of options. I'm probably just experiencing burnout, which coupled with the fact i live in what is essentially a small village in the middle of nowhere, really just makes me feel hopeless.

Fuck this shit, man.

#tw sui ideation #vent post #tw vent #tw mental health #mental exhaustion #i'm so tired #i'm so done #sad post #idk what to do anymore #mental health #lack of motivation #self worth #or lack thereof #i feel alone #i just wanna die #nothing makes sense #fml #ugh

[dxnna-noble]

i shouldnt be allowed to be into things like a 90s sitcom that you’re not supposed to read into or think too deeply about but i am

#thinking about miss cc babcock being institutionalized🖤 #maybe it’s the depression but i’m taking the mental health or lack thereof very seriously #cc babcock #the nanny #lauren lane

[greatwyrmgold]

Me: I'm tired and stressed and need to relax. I'll watch some YouTube videos.

Me: (watches a feature-length video essay about some combination of political strife, capitalist devastation, historically-significant a-holes)

Me: Why don't I feel relaxed?

#leisure #video essay #stress management #or lack thereof #mental health #maybe I should watch vtuber vods or something instead

[and-lo-i-am-that-fawn]

What no i'm totally fine

*proceeds to slow twerk to Enya*

#enya #mine #my post #idr how i tag my posts #mental health #or lack thereof

[glassrunner]

.

#mental health or lack thereof #insights #trigger warning: suicide #i must be officially certified defective by the universe #what else could explain my constant desires to die? #i know i’m not worthy of living or existing. but lol that’s kinda your fault for letting me live both times i tried to die #i didn’t ask for any of this. didn’t ask to be born

[lazyscience]

man, I feel so sorry for people who are lactose intolerant and thus denied the beautiful luxury that is a grilled cheese sandwich. The grilled cheese sandwich is the perfect example of how the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, how butter and bread and cheese with the application of heat become luscious, crunchy, gooey perfection. Doesn't matter if it's cheap bread and processed cheese, it still becomes a singularly delicious whole.

While yogurt and meal bars and precut fruit and veg are my deep depression standbys, grilled cheese is the point at which I am ready to start climbing out of the downswing. Where that small, small bit of work gets a wholly outsized reward of deliciousness, where I start remembering that cooking, while work, is also engaging my senses, seeking out contrasts and harmony. When I'm ready to start living again instead of just minimal survival mode.

I made grilled cheese instead of rummaging out yet another protein bar. I took out the recycling, figured out how to install a controller on my PC and played my first actual video game since the early oughts (Stray, of course) for an hour or so, and looked at knitting patterns instead of passively staring at my uncomfortable-mumbleth rewatch of My Hero or apathetically thumbing through TikTok. They're very small victories, but maybe enough to prime the pump for more.

#mental health or lack thereof #self care

[onebizarrekai]

some ibvs-related stuff

you probably noticed that it's been quite some time since ibvs updated (like. eight months) and while ibvs tends to have pretty large time gaps between updates, this one has been particularly long. it's been more of an unannounced and uncoordinated break, to be honest. I was hoping that I could at least update it before the end of the year. I still kind of want to do that—maybe it'll be easier after my next concert is over in the next few days—but yeah, it has been a long time.

I've been having a really hard time creating stuff lately. sure, I've cranked out a few dsmp pieces, I made a lot of danganronpa art and writing this year before I did that, but I mean like, in the last while. maybe the last 6 months or so. I don't even know how I posted anything in august. like, yes, my ao3 says I cranked some danganronpa stuff out in august, but I don't… really remember writing anything in august. I barely remember what I was doing in august. I guess they were like, partially completed wips already so all I had to do was get them done. I dunno.

I finished one fairly long-ish fic in the last month. I uh, had to post it anonymously for reasons, and I'm proud of what I wrote, but that's pretty much all I've been able to get done done. I guess this is part of the problem? not really ever feeling done with stuff. or maybe forgetting how much I've achieved and only being able to focus on the stuff I haven't been able to. and I have all these ideas for this same fandom and I'm struggling to get those done too. and like, my v3 fic series is just kinda collecting dust because I haven't been thinking about danganronpa in the last few months. that's just how it is, I suppose.

I've also just had like, the worst writer's block ever for ibvs and I'm just shoveling around in fandoms (and often misery) trying to stave off stress. I keep looking back at it and going "am I happy with this" and like, I am. I should be. I'm pretty happy with it, but the longer I go unable to write it the more I feel like I'm just adding things to the story that aren't gonna matter to anyone even though… it is that. it is the story. I'm writing it for fun. it doesn't have to be perfect. it has to start somewhere, but every time I try to write it it feels like I'm off in the deep end. I have to remember everything. I have to backtrack and make sure I know what I'm talking about. I have to make sure that I don't write anything that, well… is boring as hell.

I've been getting caught in a lot of negative thinking and I'm both trying to focus on mental health while also feeling like the things I'm doing on behalf of 'focusing on mental health' are actually either sustaining the problem or making it worse. like it's making me feel more lethargic and more trapped and less able to create things. I'm trying to get a therapist, but no insurance-covered psychologist who lives in near me is willing to do in-person sessions. one of my issues is feeling like I'm stuck at my computer and stuck online and stuck inside where everything is nonpermanent and I can't move; doing online counseling would make things worse. I don't really get it. I'm hoping I get a proper one soon.

anyway… we'll see if I feel better after the concert is over. maybe after I actually manage to get a therapist. thanks for the patience, everyone.

#random stuff #just like. mental health or the lack thereof stuff #I've been doing show stuff basically nonstop since like. june #got a break in november #but is it really a break if I still have a gig in december

[lightandwinged]

It’s been a hot minute since I said anything about my life on here bc people just... haven’t been around? I guess? Or maybe I haven’t felt the need to, I don’t know. BUT there are important updates, and I can break them down into three categories:

1. I’m sterile, but this time, it’s on purpose.

2. I have an official diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

3. I’m going to fight God in a Wendy’s parking lot.

Sterility-wise: after Roe got undone in June, I decided that even though the odds of me getting accidentally pregnant are very small, I wanted to make those odds zero. My health is Very Not Good (more on that in a minute), and while emotionally, I’d love to have a fourth kid, it’s just not practical right now. And I didn’t want anyone to control whether or not that happens but me.

So I called my OB-GYN, the one who took care of me through both of my pregnancies, and on October 3, I officially had a bilateral salpingectomy, meaning that my fallopian tubes no longer exist. Ideally, I would’ve kept them in a jar of ether or something for Maximum Creepiness, but that’s also not practical with three kids (two of whom are four-year-old twins), so instead, they were shipped off to pathology and then discarded as medical waste. Before, I couldn’t get pregnant because my body was just a dick. It was still a possibility, but a remote one. Now, though, this one thing is completely in my hands. If I really do want to be pregnant, if Kyle and I decide at some point that we want one or two or six more kids, we’ve got six embryos in storage.

But for now: my body is mine and mine alone. Nobody gets to decide who lives here but me. And that feels really fucking good.

Fibro-wise: about two years ago, I dealt with a major spine injury. Nothing paralyzing, nothing severe, but it left me with permanent nerve damage in my left leg and sent me to the ER in excruciating pain on Thanksgiving Day (definitely my worst Thanksgiving, 0/10, I want a refund). Calling it traumatic is severely understating the matter; any time I feel the slightest twinge in my back or left side nowadays, I have to talk myself down from panicking that it’s starting all over again.

Worse, I couldn’t get any of it treated because of insurance bullshit. Kyle’s company laid him off around the beginning of the pandemic, and then his new job laid him off exactly a week before I was due to have the surgery that would have solved my issue entirely. I lost my insurance, and the hospital didn’t want to accidentally have me foot the bill for it, so the surgery got put off and put off and canceled. By the time Kyle found his current (and very excellent) job and got on their insurance, the spine issue had technically resolved itself, but not before leaving me with zero feeling in a lot of areas of my left leg and with a foot that likes to cramp up randomly because it’s a little slow to get the nerve signals that it’s time to move a certain way. It’s awesome.

Shortly after the injury itself, I found myself getting really tired, really easily. I was also in a lot more pain than usual, and all the doctors I saw had different thoughts about what was causing it. I saw a sleep therapist and got on a CPAP, but her diagnosis was ultimately “bad at sleep schedule.” I talked to my primary, but her diagnosis was something along the lines of “fat also drinks soda.” BUT to my primary’s credit, she did get me a referral to a rheumatologist (even though she said, “it’s probably your diet. Have you considered cutting out carbs?”).

The rheumatologist did easily one of the more painful examinations of my life. She poked and prodded and pushed and pressed, and when it was all said and done, I’d apparently demonstrated pain in all of the areas necessary for a fibromyalgia diagnosis.

Fibromyalgia, essentially, is a disorder of the nerves. It typically happens after a physical or mental trauma, and it results in the brain misinterpreting every signal sent to it by every nerve as pain.There are a whole bunch of therapies available--some with more evidence behind them than others, some more accessible than others--but there’s no cure. It’s essentially a diagnosis of “you can do things to make things a little easier on yourself, but as of now, you’re going to be in pain the rest of your life.”

Which is neat.

So I’ve been processing that. On practical levels, I feel somewhat like I’ve been given permission to give myself a small break. No, I can’t do the things that I used to do, but I also didn’t used to have this condition that makes my everything hurt all the time and, gloriously, makes it so that NSAIDs and other pain relievers are more sugar pills than anything else. I don’t beat myself up as badly anymore when I look around at my messy house because I’m like... okay, it’s not just having twins and depression and no time. It’s having twins and depression and no time AND EVERYTHING FUCKING HURTS. And in that vein, too, I don’t feel terribly bad about renting a wheelchair for our Disney trip later this year OR about ordering a handicap placard from the state.

There’s also some vindication in that fibromyalgia isn’t caused or worsened by a lot of things that you, personally, can do. It can get easier to bear with exercise (essentially, you’re pointing out to your brain that pain is not the correct sensation here, so we can still walk and function), but it affects people of all walks of life in roughly the same way. It’s annoying as fuck, but I feel vindicated that no, this is not my fault.

BUT the biggest emotion is just... grief, I guess. Something is fucked up about my body, and it’s not a fixable thing at this point in time. I can do a lot by myself, but there’s also a lot I can’t do by myself, and that leaves me more than a little dependent on my family and friends for everything, and I do not like that. I was hoping that when the doctor checked me out, she’d say that I had RA or OA or something that’s inflammatory because at least then, I could look into anti-inflammatory treatments, but no. This is a pain disorder where anything inflammatory-related is completely irrelevant.

And I’m mourning because I hoped that it was something that I could easily reduce the pain about. There are nights I can’t sleep because I’m so uncomfortable and there are days when I can’t write or use my computer because my fingers hurt so much. And I’m moving into a treatment plan (after we get back from Disney because I literally do not have time for anything right now), but it’s still like. Ugh. UGH.

I feel unworthy of anyone. I’ve been flirting a lot more lately, and I’ve been pursuing some things casually, but I also feel like there’s never a real chance for anyone who doesn’t already love me to love me because I’m pretty damaged goods. And YES I know this is not intellectually honest of me and that I wouldn’t even dream of saying those things to someone else I know dealing with this, but it’s not always easy to turn off that spiral when it starts.

Which leads me to...

Fighting God: Ages and ages ago, I wrote a big long treatise here about my religious history, but the tl;dr is that I’m nonreligious/vaguely witchy. I’m a pastor’s kid, grew up all gung-ho about the whole thing, but gradually, it all slipped away. I was content with that, and up until recently, I wasn’t really mad about anything with the church because, hey, not my thing but whatever. At worst, following 2016, I was kind of :| at all the people in my life who weren’t considering how their actions affect others, but I was willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Not anymore.

In late August, I lost someone to cancer. He was someone who meant a lot to me for most of my life, and we met through church theater things. In a way, he was a sort of last tie back to that life--I built an imaginary life around him when I was a teenager, loved him like crazy. They say that you truly become an adult when you realize who “Landslide” is about for you, and for me, it was about him.

Anyway, he died of cancer, which is awful in and of itself. The church that we’d both been part of had this big fucking spectacle planned around his death and were thanking God for his death in the “at least he’s not in pain anymore” sense, which I found kind of sick. Like God put the goddamn tumor there, why would you thank God for literally any of the situation?

But THEN I found out that he had refused conventional treatment in favor of alternative bullshit, like he wanted some sort of miraculous “and then I had my scan and the cancer was just GONE and the doctors couldn’t explain it!” cure or he was anti-science or whatever the fuck. He refused conventional treatment until this past summer, and then he had surgery and it became apparent that, no, God had not chosen to do things bombastically, but by that point, it was too late. He died of a cancer that could have been easily fixed, had it not been for his faith, and that disgusts me.

Add my fibro diagnosis to that--because it’s treatable but not fixable--and I am very put out with God in general. And yes, we can obviously go into volumes of bullshit the church does anyway that I’ve always hated, and I’ve never been happy about any of it, but now I’m fucking pissed. Anti-Christian, anti-god, anti-whatever. And maybe that’s 3edgy5me, but anger is part of the grieving process, and I’m enjoying it far more than I enjoy when the anger fades for a minute and I can’t do anything but sit there and cry.

(yes, I am seeing my therapist about this, and we’re working through it, slowly but surely)

So there we go. My update. I’ll post pictures of the kids later.

#abby’s physical health #or lack thereof #abby's mental health #infertility #family planning #bilateral salpingectomy #abby and religion #and a partridge in a pear tree

[genghisthebrain]

i dont need therapy actually because i can just take a uquiz and that will psychoanalyse me to the same degree

#mental health #or lack thereof #wait_no on ao3

[teddybasmanov]

My mental health: hangs by a bloody thread. Me: why wouldn't I pick up a musical instrument and a new language?

#mental health #or lack thereof #you already know about the instrument #but the language is up to your imagination #I've decided that even if I don't stick to anything #even if it lasts a few weeks a week or a day #it still doesn't hurt - not like I'm spending anything on it but time and I'm spending that time anyway #so if I enjoy it it's worth it

[utterlywithouthinges]

#hozier #noah kahan #mental health #or lack thereof