#mixed feelings towards myself

[gayymomgod]

grieving who i couldve been

#original art #vent #art #there’s a lot of . #mixed feelings towards myself #i love myself and my neurodivergencies! i really do! #but sometimes it just feels like if I weren’t like this I could’ve been someone better #reach my dreams #y’know? #if I just weren’t so slow I would be able to actually get good grades and not have to do summer school #and it sucks that during the entire quarantine #i had to be alone with my thoughts for So Long #made me more depressed than I was in the beginning :/ #anyway Uhm . #not really one to open up this much #but I really needed a place to vent since I can BARELY handle venting to a friend without feeling bad #now if you’ll excuse me #I’m gonna go watch the moomins n my little pony to at least keep myself from #Thinking too much

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

#David Ogden Stiers #MASH #Mike Farrell #cannot truly call myself a bj fan in good faith but shhhh I'm doin a bit #I would have put Mx. Alda instead but I feel like he fits more of a middle ground. He seems to love the show as a whole #but his feelings toward Hawkeye in particular are more mixed. It's so interesting to read in interviews! #MASH Cast #I love how disdainful DOS is about Charles tbh. god I wish that were me. #Starky's Original Posts

[torchickentacos]

ok i slept for uhhh seventeen hours on and off since last night bc chronic illness <3 BUT that means I'll be up until like five am tonight. sad. BUT!!! that gives me time to read fics that i've meant to for months, and reading fic in general is something i don't do often so i'm kind of excited for my accidental all nighter era.

#ok. adding this in post. accidental chronic illness vent in tags #I FINALLY DON'T HAVE SCHOOLWORK TO BE DOING INSTEAD #deadass i finished my exam and project on sunday #and have been in crash mode ever since #i need to just give into it #on one hand i feel guilty that I HAVE the luxury of giving into it #because tons of people don't #but also i know that i have the luxury BECAUSE i planned my schedule/life around my illnesses #i KNOW this happens. especially in the fall (see: october slide) so I take lighter courseloads #and it's so hard. I feel like I struggle with things most people can do in their sleep. #I don't have enough blood in my brain to think half the time /literally and medically. not joking here #I'm chronically pretty fucking hypoxic and have blood pooling #so i know I need to be more understanding of myself here #but realizing your limits are different from other people is just so difficult to reckon with #especially in your early twenties (21.5) when I see other people making huge progress towards independence #i WILL still move out within the next couple years if i can help it. but I also know it will be uniquely challenging for me. #sigh. #I desperately want independence but it doesn't really want me lol #too bad for independence though. I've made it work this far and I'll keep pushing as far as I can with it. #my main concern is driving though. driving and brain fog reaction times/occasional syncope are. not great things to mix! #will cross that bridge when i get there

[rubberbandballqueen]

also today in queer history class discussion i pitched the question "how has your race impacted your experiences as a queer person" and so one of my classmates talked abt how she was usually the only black person in queer spaces (or if not, then the only dark skinned black person) and talked a lot abt the isolation of it all

which was cool to hear, but not quite what i was looking for, so at the end i was like, "follow-up question: how has your blackness influenced your queerness?"

and after class she told me no one had ever asked her that before and so she'd never had to consider it, but now she was excited to just throw that at every other queer person of color in her life because it's like, "huh. what kind of homoeroticisms DO i experience as a result of my culture? how CAN i express my queerness in a way that also feels at home with my culture, instead of just picking an expression that is one or the other?" and i think that's beautiful. i hope she figures out how she wants to be queer in her own uniquely black way

#the worm speaks #me bringing my valuable experiences with the blending of cultures as a mixed race person to the table 2day it seems lol #and she went on to tell me how there are a lot of examples of queer black *masculinity* but very few came to mind #of like queer black *femininity* n so ultimately i'm still left not knowing what homoeroticism looks like to like. #bc she is genderfluid n so she's not a woman but she is femme and she's mentioned this many times #but like you guys get my gist #i think i brought a lot of unexpected questions to the discussion today LOL like the reading was abt the erasure of queer asian americans #in the history of the united states and yep there sure were a lot of queer asians erased but like for some reason it didn't really strike me #as a subject to discuss or ask a lot of questions about. same with the mentions of orientalism LOL #i think i'm also a little bit averse to bringing up orientalism bc i feel like i risk being accused of it myself by nature of being mixed #as if being half white is all that matters in a discussion about race as if i've never felt the pressures n hardships of being asian myself #etc etc it's a little hard for me to feel like i'm allowed to speak abt the subject lol but it was like The One Subject #the prof deliberately drew attn to towards the end to discuss #mostly i focused my questions for the class on the subjects of culture and community building and the desire for connection #stuff i'm both deeply familiar with bc of blorbo studies and also kind of asian about lol

[possiblytracker]

HELLO????????

#LOTERALLY ON MY WAY OUT THE DOOR TO GO DO MY MEDIOCRE ASS PRESENTATION #NEARLY MISSED MY BUS . #I DON'T . KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT????? WILL IT LET ME PLAY IT????? #*DO* I PLAY IT???? I FEEL LIKE THAT MIGHT BE MEAN IN SOME WAY #well at least i don't have to get up at ass o clock in the morning tomorrow to wait for delivery #BUT. UM??? #my anxiety stomach ache and weird anticipation vibes are mixing how am i supposed to give a serious talk in these conditions #i won't be home for another few hours anyway lmao i have time to figure it out #i feel like im 14 again fr #leaning towards restraining myself and cashing it in for one free extra long nap tomorrow morning instead #fairer on others that way hdgBX

[gender-euphowrya]

idk who needs to hear this but maybe that survival skill you have is actually a trauma response

#had this Realization the other day #when i was in middle school i got bullied and part of the reason i was targeted was #i was the teacher's pet. like top of the class student with the answer to every question kinda guy #and at some point i taught myself to Not raise my hand and give answers even if i had them #because me answering a teacher's question became synonymous with me showing off that i knew shit #= more resentment towards me and more bullying #and that stuck with me #to this day when i know something that someone is wondering about #i feel like i either have to act like i don't know either or hide behind fake uncertainty #because ''if i say i know they'll think i'm bragging. they'll think i'm saying i'm smarter than them'' #''they'll be annoyed. they'll hate me'' #and i thought That's just how you live. maybe that's humility. maybe that's how you should be with other people. #IT'S NOT BITCH IT'S GOD DAMN TRAUMA AGAIN 🎺 #it's ye ol' remnants of bullying victimdom and abandonment issues #mixing into one big smoothie of ''i can't let people know i know things or they'll want nothing to do with me'' #which is not a normal human feeling !!!! #if it was we wouldn't have bitches like ben shapiro or w/e so eager to open their damn mouths even if they're hated for it #should i have less confidence than fucking jordan peterson?!

[fernspirals]

Trying to take care of myself this week.

#meal prepped salmon quinoa roasted sweet potatoes #made raw carrot salad. bought some salad mix #made a huge batch of raspberry leaf nettle tea #I’m getting an abortion tomorrow so :) trying to treat my body really well. #got some stuff to make golden milk …. bought some yarrow supplements #going to gather some herbs from the garden tomorrow to do a yoni steam idk if I’ll be able to tomorrow. maybe the day after #this is hard I’m doing this shit all by myself #I don’t know how to feel #🦷 #I just need to be kind and loving towards myself #everything’s going to be okay …..

[arklayraven]

Even if it's just from a fictional cutie. This is a first I ever heard anyone tell me something like this I feel, and I just don't know how to feel...? lol

Anyway. Love you too, Asmo. ❤️

#;jay speaks #obey me #feeling some mix emotions rn...Not towards him but more so about myself.

[moonsiechild]

This is my current dilemma

#so; like… #i don’t really consider myself to be a 2seok tumblr but like; i love 2seok. i’m biased to them and i would say i’m an enthusiast #and i can’t imagine anyone looking at my tumblr as it is and being able to easily recognize i’m a 2seok blog at all either. i don’t expect #and i’m wondering if i should pump that energy up… or maybe make up a sideblog #pros for the sideblog (as i’m the most leaning towards that): yes! 2seok stuff! it wouldn’t get mixed up with my other interests #pros for the sideblog: and i get to make up a cute new blog #cons for sideblog: would the 2seok content really be mixed up with anything on my main? i mostly reblog bts content and soft stuff #cons for sideblog: i feel like i might not have a consistent amount of 2seok content to always reblog or even post over there and i might a #cons for main blog: i have a lot of reblogged content there; so most likely even if i start reblogging a lot of 2seok stuff over there; it #which should I chose? ;-; #decisions decisions #decisions are hard #bts #2seok #kim seokjin #jin #jhope #jung hoseok #moonsie's memetime

[miharuhebinata]

OK WAIT INSANE 6 AM RAMBLE INCOMING THAT IS ALSO SORT OF(?) RELATED TO MY PREVIOUS POST?? ok so like, we've all pretty much convinced ourselves that will is going to have a coming out scene at some point in volume 2, right? or at the very least we've convinced ourselves that he's going to confess his feelings to mike, even if he just strongly hints at it & never says it outright. basically my point is that everyone (and by everyone i mean those of us on tumblr & also what i would assume to be a large chunk of the general audience, maybe?), a lot of our focus has been fixated solely on will. not entirely ofc, but for the most part. but what if it's all been a red herring this whole time? not that he's gay, because obviously he is. but what if, just hear me out, WHAT IF. this whole time the big reveal that we've been building up to isn't that will is gay (& in love with mike), but that mike is gay (&, presumably, in love with will)????? 😮🤯😮🤯

( ...... yes i know i sound insane, especially in the tags, but once you think about it a bit? & when you're sleep-deprived?? idk man, it kinda starts to make some sense 👀🤔🔍 )

#plus this idea would work perfectly with the idea of will becoming a bigger part of the plot again either in vol 2 or season 5?? #like aside from those that are just the dumbest most heteronormative motherfuckers alive the audience already knows he's in love with mike. #we don't necessarily need textual &/or verbal confirmation to come to that conclusion #(although it would be nice if only so those aforementioned heteronormative weirdos would never be able to deny it without #actively burying their heads in the sand & looking stupid). you know who's side we DO still need to see though? mike's. #we still have yet to get a good look at what's going on inside his head. who knows what thoughts are rolling around in there? #remember his character is supposed to have some big emotional monologue coming up soon. could it be a sweeping declaration of love toward #el? yeah ofc. but the point is at this moment we really have zero clue for sure! it could just as easily be a coming out scene ya know? #& to get back to my point about this working well with the idea of will getting mixed up in actual plot. well since we already know how he #feels they could have his character focus more on that meanwhile mike becomes a bit more introspective. #how should he tell will? *can* he tell will? is it worth it? what about their friendship? it's such a hugely monumental thing to have to #deal with. is he even ready? how are you supposed to know if you're ready? #.....ok i'm legit making myself emotional now. time to pack it in girlies #i can already tell i'm gonna be so embarrassed rereading this when i wake up but i promise i won't delete 😩😭 #anyway hope you all enjoyed my insane wishful thinking <33333 #mike wheeler #will byers #p: the best thing i've ever done #stranger things #st spoilers #📺 tag #send tweet

[nexus-nebulae]

sometimes i really want to just adopt an identity out of spite like. i hear ppl talk so much shit about one identity I wanna be that just to make them mad. but also i don't wanna just Have an identity if I'm not sure it fits me

#echos #this is mainly about mspec gays/lesbians #i almost wanna say im an mspec gay bc i wanna piss people off #that's the exact reason i started using fae/faer pronouns #but the thing with pronouns is i can just have fun with those and mix+match it's not as specific as an Identity Label #and like. i feel like i MIGHT fit with mspec gay. since i like Men #but also i would be with a trans/nonbinary person who doesn't feel like they fit within Man and/or isn't always/fully Man #i don't THINK I'm attracted to women but at the same time i don't want to fully rule it out #because what if i end up attracted to someone in the future who is a woman? idfk #it's a rocky landscape bc of how complex gender AND attraction can be #especially with the fact that I'm aroace and mostly just have tertiary/etc attractions #idk like. i am leaning towards a MAYBE this could work for me but i don't wanna fully slap that label on myself unless I'm Sure

[blessedjudas]

ugh as someone who was raised with a catholic mother and an episcopalian father… the anger and pettiness the catholic v protestant denominations have against each other in TWENTY TWENTY TWO is disturbing

#cass rambles #i feel more tied to episcopalianism myself #but honestly the way i go about faith is kind of #a mix of the two #but yeah why are y’all so fckin hostile towards each other #catholic #protestant #episcopalian

[bravewolfvesperia]

/ Since I mention in my pinned post that this blog has some changes from canon, I'm going to make a rundown post that I'll be linking in my muse info on my blog. My timeline post covers some of this too and has other things canon to my muse that aren't here because they're timeline based and not direct changes based. I'll update this as needed.

Repede had another owner before Yuri got him in the game. I'm combining this with FS. Thus, Repede would have been basically an infant when he and Lambert ended up with the knights. From there he took to Yuri as he did in the FS drama CD so Yuri was primarily in charge of Repede during his stay with the knights, but he and Flynn raised Repede together as is in line with the game. This means they continued raising him together even after Yuri left.

In the JP version of the game, Yuri says he was with the knights for a short time but doesn't specify how long that time was, so I'm completely yeeting the "three months" dub aspect from this blog. I can't reasonably assume he signed up, took the exams, went into training, went from errand boy to battle status, then went on normal missions and left in the span of three months. So as usual, we're following the JP timeline. Generally anything the dub makes up or actively changes from the original context/tone gets yeeted here.

In the FS drama CD, Flynn is extremely repetitive about Yuri quitting the knights and with his nagging. At least with @mistralxsoul and anyone else who prefers it the following way in threads with my muse, we're toning it down because it just feels absolutely batshit to us how bad it is in the drama CD (it's worse than even the movie itself).

Since the timeline for Yuri and Flynn's knighthood conflicts super horrendously between the novel, FS/FS drama CD and the game, I'm mixing all of it together (primarily because I consider the novel more canon than the FS drama CD). Basically (for my muse), they signed their names and didn't take the exams immediately, but when they eventually did it was at least a couple years later, due to Yuri still having his teen appearance when he signed his name to join in the novel. This is because otherwise, if I average my muse's teen age out to be fifteen/sixteen and his age to be about eighteen/nineteen in the knights, it would mean he'd been with the knights (including training, etc) anywhere from 2-4 years if his sign up was immediately after the novel's events. If they were to sign up and join immediately after the novel timeline, it also makes even less sense because Flynn's attitude in FS and his relationship with Yuri (and remember, the FS drama CD comes before the movie's timeline and Flynn was even worse about Yuri's attitude in the CD) would seem like it literally 180'd overnight.

So basically, to avoid all this insanity, a short summarized timeline for my muse would be: they signed up but didn't join right away, Flynn moved away and was gone for a couple years or so after the events of the novel, both of them changed in personality/behavior drastically in that time, they met up at the exams, they went into training, they got sent to Niren's squad, they were more errand boys than actual knights when they were still super fresh newbies and Yuri was extremely annoyed with that, they were actual knights for a while (I'm going to say Yuri was a knight for at least six months or more, especially if I consider the trajectory of Flynn's behavior toward him in the drama CD through the end of FS), the events of FS were not one straight timeline and things happened between the days etc etc, then Yuri left.

Following the game's drama CDs, Yuri hesitated a lot more when Flynn was injured at Zaude. If not for Flynn nudging him to go after Alexei even while wounded, Yuri wouldn't have left him there.

Following the same drama CDs, it's Raven and Repede who find and look after Yuri when he wakes up after Zaude. That is to say, Repede was already with Raven and lunged when he sniffed out Yuri in his room (super doggo powers). Raven followed Repede in a panic, who ran to Yuri's room upon realizing Yuri was there, and Raven finds Yuri awake but right in the middle of passing back out (the sound is basically Raven's voice being distant with some ringing, so it's from Yuri's point of view that Raven is trying to get him to steady himself but he passes back out). Raven takes care of him from there until he's recovered properly enough to go back. In this time, Rita did investigating and eventually, with the others minus Raven, went to Zopheir after deciding they couldn't dawdle and just wait in their grief. While they're there, Yuri and Raven have headed out after them and show up together and reunite with the rest of the group. Raven has already been updated on what Yuri knows from Duke at this point (Duke saved him as usual, but the drama CD changes come in after that), so the two of them update everyone else.

In the game, there's a skit with Yuri, Flynn and Karol where Yuri mentions "playing in a river", but in the novel, they were actually getting water at the river and the other kids were playing in the river when they got attacked by a monster, fell into the river (Yuri also mentions (I thiiiink in another unrelated skit) that just falling into "a river" was enough to panic him), and Flynn grabbed onto a merman. For my muse, I'm just going with Yuri simplifying the situation to Karol while keeping the novel's event as my muse's canon.

#{ muse info + headcanons } #/ a lot of the timeline post itself is also for me and not y'all LOL but like. if you need to know #differences in interaction with me this stuff is good to know at least bc I don't strictly follow the game canon #I follow a mix of official content and obviously some of it overlaps and retcons other things #as for the dub if you've been here long enough y'all know I hold a huge ass grudge against #how much it changes Yuri's behavior/personality and his attitude toward Flynn #but the three months thing just does not feel reasonable to me on top of the dub just making it up #and it helps SO much to have that free time period for writing #even if we assume he wasn't counting the training to officially join the knights in the dub #three months is... way too short imo and then if I combine the FS drama CD with that #it makes even less sense bc the girls tried to get Yuri to stay when he did actually almost quit #on top of the whole not rly doing knightly things for a while at first #and yeahhhh it's just a fucking MESS to try to cram everything with all this content into three months #also like since I LOOOOVE the teen arc of the novel and that's My Fucking Baby Boy #I don't want to actually change anything from it so I'm just mixing everything together to keep it all #it's like... I love all the official Yuri content and so I want to keep as much of it together as possible #but since it's not always the same people working on the content or bc there's such a time gap between content #things aren't always consistent and when it comes to writing a muse I just. NEED timeline consistency #even if I have to make it myself LMAO. I try to keep as much of the game stuff together as possible #since I know most ppl interacting with me only know the game and possibly the movie #and not all the drama CDs and all the various JP exclusive content #but it's hard to keep it together perfectly when there's so much other content I'm using that has formed my muse #like... my muse exists the way he is bc of all this content you know? and only using the game #would change him a fucking lot in hindsight with the way he thinks and reacts and such #like... there's no fucking way he's not traumatized after the events of the novel in the teen arc there's NO fucking way #it was bad enough that it nearly pushed him to murder when he was a teenager #and he might have actually done it if his foster mother didn't stop him (and end up doing it herself) #so yeah I mean... I do my best to keep him within game context with most people I interact with #but the more you interact with this boy the deeper you're gonna get into muse specific lore lol

[none-tadashi-left-hiro]

Also I think I'm having a weird time with my art bc usually I enjoy being ambitious but I think I'm coming at it from too much of a critical expectation than I am from an exploratory, playful place of where can I go with this

#I'm not tapping into my curiosity #just like #oh #ohhhhhh #controlling expectations #ohhh #i said that in my head as in expectations that are controlling to me personally #but then I realized it's also me trying to control meeting other's expectations #OHHHHHH OH MY GOD #oh my god??? #i love venting on Tumblr it's literally so therapeutic wtf #i enjoy subverting people's expectations by making something cooler than they thought I would #or challenging myself in a way not explicitly suggested #but I've been trying to pander to other people's interests #not bc I'm like insecurw #well not insecure in the way people usually are abt art #i just want to connect with others more so I was trying to be collaborative towards their interests mixed with mine #but I was still coming at it from this weird like #half survival mode where I'm trying to get good enough to make money with jr #and half trying to control meeting other's expectations or things that they enjoy #when I really need to honor feeling that ownership and playfulness and exploration in the process as well #ohhhhhh my gos #tumblr tag venting is so good for you #im realizing things in the Tumblr tags

[faultsofyouth]

Honestly, the more I research into larger dog breeds, the more a rottweiler seems like the dog for me

#it ticks off all my desires for a large dog + my mom has had good experiences with them #they are good with other animals. good with children (not babies but i dont have babies in the house) #they are not exceptionally difficult to train + they are cuddly + they are guard dogs + they have a scary reputation #But they have a much lower attack rate than all pit variations. like yes they are considered the second most frequent biters #but the difference is 11% with rotties to 60% with purebred pits. not even including mixes in those stats #so like that is everything i want right there. of course i would have to make a lot more money in order to afford the right classes #(also just to afford the dog i mean. im unemployed lol) #but i want a dog that makes me feel like i can leave the house by myself at night. i want a dog that Looks intimidating and Will defend me #but who can also distinguish between a friend and a foe and actually Be friendly towards the former #also i like that they make happy grumbles like. ive never personally met a rottweiler but they do strike me as very charming #[also to be clear to those who dont just Know the dog bite stats off the top of their heads: #the aforementioned numbers = the percent of dog bites attributed to those breeds. so like 60% of all lethal + maiming attacks #are done by pitbulls and ditto for the 11% of rottweiler attacks. NOT that 11% of rotties attack people]

[toastsnaffler]

my supervisor AND my manager both aren't in today so I'm just practicing shit... im boored

#ive done 2 rounds of free fatty acid titration + gonna do a round of dh spectophotometry this afternoon to mix it up... #i was meant to be working more on emc w my supervisor but cant do it without her here so. we wait #i mean its not that boring i like doing the actual work. but theres just so much waiting inbetween stages #and its not a long enough length of time to go do anything else so i just have to stand around and look busy.. #yawwwn. wish i had more to do to distract me from thinking im fighting for my life defending the mental fort against le depression #tis the season innit. its weird bc on some levels im doing far better this year than i have the past few years like im managing it rly well #mainly through heavy control of how im allowing myself to talk + think abt things im trying to nip anything -ve in the bud #prevention is better than having to drag my limp cold body back out of that hole #but also at the same time. there are things im deeply dissatisfied with + cause me a lot of pain to think abt #which im having to shelve bc most of them are beyond my ability to solve. or just take time/alternative environments #and also bc ik that this time of year i dont have the mental tools or energy to dedicate towards solving anything complex #so im just. very detached from how i feel. locking that shit in the back of the freezer until spring. what can u do yknow #at least i have a job to keep me busy and make me too tired to think in the evenings. im surfing this shit fine for now #OKAY five more mins and i can take this stuff out of the incubator and go to lunch woohoo #this rambling is what HAPPENS when i dont have enough to do at work. smfh #.diaries