#i love myself and my neurodivergencies! i really do!

[simgaroop]

I think I am neurodivergent.

There is no official diganosis and at this stage in my life I probably won't look for one. But in recent years I've started to think I probably am one. I even thought about asking my therapist about this, just before she released me a couple years ago. But it just felt like I was making things up at the moment. Besides, it is pretty stupid for a mental health specialist to self-diagnose, so that's why I am not saying this with complete certainty.

Huh, this is one of those posts I should be writing in Spanish.

Anyway, why am I randomly posting this in my Sim blog? Well, because I am exhausted. I've spent the last two months carrying a huge figurative boulder on my shoulders and just pretending (or masking) non stop. If you met me in person, the most likely impression you would have of me is that I am a very calm, warm and sweet person, who has her shit together, is the voice of reason, a great listener, someone who is eager to come up with solutions to any problem. Someone who has control over her emotions, who likes "normal" everyday stuff. People look up to me and I am constantly been asked for support, both in my professional and personal life. I am so nice and adaptable, that I was able to practically live in a hospital for over 5 weeks, just leaving it to go to work.

However, deep inside I am a very anxious woman, who is triggered by thoughts of death, disease (of loved ones), doctors and hospitals. I need to have my time to be alone. I prefer (almost need) to sleep in a very dark room and listening to movie or videogame podcasts. I've always been into videogames and animated shows, and I tend to obsess about those topics. I used to write a lot of fanfiction and loved it, but have never told a soul because I am so embarrased by it. I prefer to be alone, I hate to make and answer phone calls and when I get a notification on Whatsapp I really need to take a moment to even read the message (and it is even worse if it's a voice message). I am socially awkward in situations that are not related to work. I used to stimm a lot when I was a child, and I still do it when I am stressed. I was a picky eater. I used to be the lonely child who preferred to be by herself and only made friends because my parents were worried. I do not watch series on Netflix, but I can browse Youtube for hours and watch Lets Plays and documentaries about shows. I've always wanted to share my nerd tendencies, but I can't, because I am a woman in her forties, and my family and social circle look down on that stuff. So I constantly pretend and only when I am alone at night I can browse and look at the stuff I like, which is honestly very innocent, but I feel like I have to hide it.

And these last weeks I have had to constantly hide myself in my "social" and "professional" self. And I am exhausted. I feel like my heart is heavy. And it is even affecting my work performance.

So I come to my nerdy spot on the Internet to vent. To the one place in which I can sort of be myself and hope like someone might read this and understand.

*Reads Post* Wow, this is why I mostly lurk. I sound like a 15 year old and my urge to pretend that everything is fine with me is screaming that I do not post this. 😥

#non sims #definitely deleting later #delete later

[gayymomgod]

grieving who i couldve been

#original art #vent #art #there’s a lot of . #mixed feelings towards myself #i love myself and my neurodivergencies! i really do! #but sometimes it just feels like if I weren’t like this I could’ve been someone better #reach my dreams #y’know? #if I just weren’t so slow I would be able to actually get good grades and not have to do summer school #and it sucks that during the entire quarantine #i had to be alone with my thoughts for So Long #made me more depressed than I was in the beginning :/ #anyway Uhm . #not really one to open up this much #but I really needed a place to vent since I can BARELY handle venting to a friend without feeling bad #now if you’ll excuse me #I’m gonna go watch the moomins n my little pony to at least keep myself from #Thinking too much

[ahxiang]

with the focus on the revolving door again in ep 16, i just want to say a little smth abt the door as an autistic person myself.

i know some ppl are frustrated with wyw's difficulty in using the door, saying it infantilizes her and that "she's a 27 year old lawyer, she's seen a revolving door before, she knows how they work." but the thing is, it's not abt her being familiar with revolving doors at all. at least not in the way you think. it's not "oh look at this lady, she doesn't understand this door bc she's autistic." it's a sensory issue.

autism affects our senses and the way we process them. what many allistics don’t understand about autism is that we’re not just overly sensitive to sounds and bright lights. we can be underly (is that a word??) sensitive to stimulus as well and have a hard time controlling our senses. this includes all seven senses. that right, seven. there’s the five you know, but also two you probably don’t: the vestibular sense and proprioception. these two have to do with body awareness, balance, and spatial orientation. that’s why many of us walk “weirdly” (if i ever catch you saying someone walks weirdly i am coming into your house and punching you in the face) or are clumsy. we have issues with our bodies in relation to the world around us and often have a hard time balancing. i walk into walls all the time and miscalculate and walk into doorways instead of through them. 

so it’s not that wyw doesn’t understand the social concept of a revolving door, but that they’re difficult to navigate through due to her vestibular and proprioceptive sensory issues. i myself have a hard time with revolving doors! so pls no more “this makes her look dumb” or “this is so unrealistic”. if wyw is bad representation and is stupid for having problems with a revolving door, then i’m an unrealistically stupid autistic that walks into walls.

#extraordinary attorney woo #eaw #sorry for the mini essay everything i write turns into a paper absjs also the bolding is so that it's easier to read for neurodivergents <3 #also i'm not gonna lie at first my internalized ableism took over and i was hard on wyw thinking she was making us look bad and stupid #and then i realized that *i* literally struggle with revolving doors and would have to get my dad to help me get through when i was younger #this show has honestly challenged my own internalized ableism and concept of what is and isn't acceptable autism symptoms to show #and y'know what? fuck the idea that there's a point where you're too visibly autistic! this show has made me love myself so much more #and has helped me through issues i didn't even realize i had! i didn't realize how much ableism i had internalized and held onto #it wasn't until i saw wyw do things that i had hated or berated myself for that i realized i was being too hard on myself #if i loved wyw then i had to love myself too! and on top of that seeing jun ho love her for who she was made me love myself all the more #i just really love this show flaws and all #tea talks #eaw autism science #1k

[adhbabey]

where's my motherfuckers unable to accept their disorder/disability and have a lot of shame and self hate??? like i need you right now. i want none of that positivity shit, give me the grit, how do you get through this?

and if you have overcome it, tell me what's up. what did you need to get through it?

#babey posts #actually nd #actually neurodivergent #im dealing with a lot but positivity + acceptance isnt really helpful rn #i need some people going through or gone through the same shit #and like its not like i can vindicate this. nor do i want to put the burden of my emotions onto someone else #ive already been through relief of understanding people treated me like this because of this #but im dealing with the mortifying experience of just not being happy or loving towards myself #where are all of yall. just not feeling like they can exist because of their disorder #i need help processing and coping guys

[vogelmeister]

been feeling mixed on some of my friends recently

#i love them but im gonna explain #i don’t want this to boil over like the twins did #but one of my friends i feel so cast off sometimes #i get it bc shes full time adult job employed now #in healthcare no less #but im just getting fully annoyed at her lack of availability and it makes me sad #im getting even sadder actually bc she also always seems to have time to hang with her uni friends whuch hurts #like im like okay i know you have this from 6-7 so how about we meet for dinner at 7:30 bc i wanna see you casually and she says no #and i think i really need to talk to her bc it makes me sad and then i feel slapped in the face #even on nights out we always have to go home early. which my friend basically said: #i think in future if you wanna go home you can but others shouldn’t have to too #bc my other friend got so sad she was forced to come back early and i was like yea i would have liked to have sat at manly with yall #bc i feel we don’t do this any more #i honestly think it’s better to just let her figure it out and go #i don’t want me to sweep so much shit under the rug until i despise her #bc i know this isn’t her fault i just wish she would let loose or make an effort #my other situation is my childhood best friend #i love her a lot she’s amazing. but but but. sometimes i feel she can be too protective of me. #it comes from a place of knowing me for so long #and i do trust her opinions on people who i surround myself with bc she fucking hated those twins #but sometimes i feel she has been treating me differently since my neurodivergence diagnosis #even with a certain high school friend she held this dislike even when i said she was not like the twins #bc she was hanging out with the twins at the 21st #like this girl was also having her issues with the twins and was the person in the firing line of the breakup #even when i was in nl she was so worried about me and its nice to have her have my back #bc after that guy kissed me directly on the lips she suddenly became concerned about ppl taking advantage of me #and its like to me great she cares but also i did in fact learn from it #but she gets super defensive when ppl take advantage of me and i just wanna her to step back #i just feel sometimes i don’t need her feeling like she needs to protect me or that i need to hang neurodivergence up like a flag #idk its a lot. thank u for listening

[dank-meme-legend]

There’s gotta be something to say about the fact that people in my life are like “Oh, Morgan doesn’t know how to communicate too well!” but then I manage to have a healthy relationship with

Communication really is the key, y’all <3

#lesbian #wlw #nblw #neurodivergent relationship #we thank myself & my girlfriend for breaking through our past struggles & striving to do better #it really helps a lot with things <3 #I love her a lot

[shorlinesorrows]

i love it when the deadline adrenaline kicks in and weeks of paralyzing executive dysfunction suddenly vanish and you write a 7 page research paper in roughly four hours with deadly focus, turning it in less than an hour before the deadline

#ah yes when the neurodivergence hits #this is all v sarcastic by the way i spent so much time being stressed about the fact that i hadn't started that paper #but being unable to do it #instead i just sat and did nothing while hating myself #i desperately wanted to work on the paper but "i have swim practice in two hours which is basically right now so i really don't have time” #i hate my brain #executive dysfunction #love that feeling where if you're waiting for something later in the day and therefore Cannot do anything else #it is the bane of my existence

[yououghtaknow]

they weren’t lying, that going outside, talking to people, going on a walk to get a little drink from the gas station really helps your mental health

#went to the writing thing!!! got a GOOD amount of work done did a Quick Sweep of my second act to edit more in depth later #and talked to some cool people about art and gender and disability and politics and stuff!!!!!!! #it's Nice being around people who aren't My People because i feel like i'm allowed to have opinions #ANYWAYS my bpd has been spiking because of [redacted] doing [redacted] and [redacted] and [redacted] #BUT i have evening plans of watching adventuring party and planning out more Long Term work <3 #ALSO I BOUGHT MYSELF A NON-SAFE DRINK AND I LIKED IT #as in not one of my safe foods #i got a little strawberry yogurty drink thing and it was really nice!!!! AND it was only 90p!!!!! #and i walked home as the sun set and it was really nice even though i got lost because i was in a part of the city i'm not used to #BUT i managed to navigate all by myself (by following bus stops of the bus i got up to the place) #currently feeling very in my bejeweled era. feeling very i miss you but i miss sparkling!!!!!!! #i love discovering myself again after Trauma and Horrors. sadly this will probably all go away on saturday but we stay silly!!!1 #i just feel more like a Person when i'm on my own or with people i'm not close to #ALSO I BOUGHT A BOOK TODAY #it was one of my favourite poets and i got to talk about him with the bookstore owners and it was so nice to have people Understand #AND I TALKED ABOUT WRITING PLAYS WITH A GUY WHO WAS ALSO WORKING ON HIS PLAY #we talked about being actor-writers and Bridging The Gap of the two mediums #he also recommended me some workshops i was going to sign up for anyway but it was nice of him :) #i LOVE being in queer and neurodivergent spaces!!!!! #i was very shy and socially anxious but i was able to approach people and have conversations the whole time!!!! #i did sit on my own to do my work but i preferred it that way :) i also needed so much table space for all my pages #ANYWAYS. rambling over. had a nice evening. this is my little journal entry :)

[florida-preposterously]

#okay so explain myself #I have this thing #Where it's really easy for me to forget people #Even when I love them dearly and would do anything for them #and I suspect I have ADHD #But #Like in the class of a recent person I was really close to #I couldn't get him out of my mind all day long after I dreamt about him #And I felt so distressed because the friendship has a traumatic end #And I used to feel like shit #When I wa younger because I would find it really weird #That I never missed my loved ones when they were away #ADHD #neurodivergencies #neurodivergent #polls #I may be completely wrong for linking it with my suspected Nuerodivergency

[rabbitindisguise]

I have to keep reminding myself whenever I'm on tumblr lately that autism is not neurodivergent lite because of the sheer number of posts comparing autism to other neurodivergence on the basis of "being autistic is the easiest thing to be"

So like if you're also autistic going "what is even going on right now, why are people talking about us like we're able bodied neurotypicals who identify as nerdy after it was cool" this is absolutely nonsense and I'm sorry it's happening

#personal #neurodivergence #actually autistic #disability #I have EDS and bipolar and the only thing I sobbed over and lived in denial in for ten years was autism #it's one thing to be dysfunctional it's another to not be seen as a *person* in society #being bipolar did not go down easy at all it was just like okay yeah fine now all this I guess I was wrong about being okay entirely #and there are things that I did (and still do) that were/are bad that I need to hold myself accountable for #autism is like #oh I have to recontextualize every bully every dehumanizing comment and every botched social interaction through the lens of it wasn't #actually my fault #I always knew that getting super depressed and then really all over the place was not a sign of being a bad person no matter what people sa #the idea of suddenly adopting decades of trauma because things I thought were personal failings were actually morally neutral things was!! #there are no words #and the idea that I'm not a bad person for being depressed is baked into standard CBT guys #there's no standard therapy that believes being autistic is a good thing #you need to get that off the black market via places like tumblr because it's risky as hell to even get diagnosed nevermind everything else #I was so damn lucky to know autistics that love themselves growing up #that was unheard of in 2011 #it was WEIRD #it was bizarre #it was like romanticizing self harm and doing hard drugs in school bathrooms #and all the time now I'm like am I crazy? do I even remember what being in special ed was like in actuality? #no I do. it was bad. #ableism #allism

[dreamsy990]

people who talk about masking are really interesting to me because like. i think i tried to mask but i certainly did not succeed. teach me your ways

#i hear people talk about their experiences and say they learned to mask and that helped them socially #but for me it just #didnt work #i never was really able to make friends #until i found some other neurodivergents #like i tried to be normal #i figured out what other people were interested in and tried to enjoy it too #but nobody thought i was more normal for doing that #i grew up just feeling like a freak #i would make friends for maybe a few months #and then as soon as i started talking about my hyperfixations they wouldnt want to talk to me anymore #i would have emotional outbursts so people purposefully tried to set me off #when i ignored them it got worse and when i responded i got in trouble #i guess it was bullying but i thought it was my fault. like oh im oversensitive stop overreacting #even when people would physically hurt me i blamed myself for being weird #my first friend who lasted was my neighbor #she made me read warrior cats and i didnt like the book but i loved the people online talking about it #and thats how i became really interested in art and writing #and then i finally had something people liked about me #i wasnt good at being a person but i was good at art #it was the one thing people couldnt make fun of me fore #so i got super into art to the point where it was all i did #i spent all day every day drawing #i stopped trying to socialize and just started drawing during school #yknow now that im thinking about it i dont think it was normal to be suicidal by age 8 #im not looking for pity here i just felt like talking since ive been thinking about stuff #oh yeah btw since this reminds me sorry if i respond weirdly to compliments i just assume everything is meant as an insult #also if you call my name irl unless i recognize your voice i will avoid you at all costs #sorry for such a venty post hbweggwe #i didnt mean to go on this rant in the tags and like. maybe this is oversharing but ive never gotten a chance to talk about it before

[spoonsforminutes]

Medical Ableism

As someone who has extensive personal experience with medical ableism from both physical and mental health professions, I wish more people realized that ableism (and really all -ism ideologies) are a systemic issue reflected in individuals and has no real inherent bearing on morality. What makes medical ableism so vile is the fact that the U.S. is a country in which people refuse to confront the uncomfortable beliefs of the past and present, and the fact that people confuse personal ego and professional knowledge as the same thing. Specifically more so in therapy, it is a therapist’s responsibility to mitigate conversations with their clients in a safe and beneficial way that addresses their concerns, and although seen more in good therapists, medical professionals should feel encouraged to discuss personal examples of trauma without trying to control the client’s own narrative. I don’t know why this is so hard for medical professionals because when someone is trusting their life in your hands, my own opinions always come second place to validated research. Plus I don’t know, my personal trauma failed to develop and secure a personal identity for myself, but I have always spent my time learning about and expanding my own worldview. And it’s super funny going through medical healthcare courses in college as someone with an invisible disability because you really learn that no matter who are--either an old white guy retired from his medical career or a woman in cancer remission trying to teach young med professionals that patients need to have compassion for their illness--you find out pretty quickly that the U.S. healthcare system only sees fatal/terminal illnesses, temporary illness/conditions in which full recovery is expected, or mental health (only addressed by mental health professionals).

Neuroscience and cognitive science truly is such a good major to have when heading into medical school because it’s the best of both worlds in terms of psychology and biology with the added bonus to explore linguistics, computation, and philosophy. I am incredibly privileged to have gotten such an education and to use it to really expand all aspects of my understanding. I specifically perform research on my own disability and gender identity, so I’m already on this battlefield. I am in the trenches, but even more so, I see the people who face the same struggles as me, and I think, “well, im used to pain and trauma; let me step in front and take the first bullet.” I don’t think true social activism is ever a choice; it feels like I walked head-first down that path, and whenever things get in my way, I double-down on everything I know I am and what I believe. This is where my gender identity really helps because both masculinity and femininity where used against me whenever I stood up for myself, so when people misgender me, it fills me with a little bit of glee because I think “good, go ahead and underestimate me.” It’s very clear that even with top surgery, my trauma-strained voice affirms my assigned sex which is incredibly dysphoric, but I’m working on it for me and my personal happiness. Until then, my voice is no excuse. Transphobia literally lives in the spaces of what is deemed acceptable queerness and the assumptions about its visibility. The traditional sex binary model will always spurn transphobia until society realizes that “male” and “female” sex simply don’t exist and are a heuristic that was never meant to be taken literally, but the history of sexism and racism in medical science has perpetuated this idea that inherent differences exist between people that would support bigots and discrimination. 

I don’t think morality is something that anyone can possess permanently because it relies on both words and actions; you do not just get claim you’re a good person and then do whatever the fuck you want. Being a good person means respecting both yourself and others, and ultimately, wanting to see a future where you and the people who influence your life (whether you know it or not) can live free and happy and SAFE.

#wedding speaks #chronic illness #chronic pain #spoonie #disabled #disability #mental health #mental illness #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #whats funny is i think my trauma is so reversed #i think about others before myself and the actions i do for others often is FOR me #both can coexist people it really doesnt have to be a survivalist dog eat dog world #idk where the fuck is all the compassion? #are you really going to tell me i had good people refuse to caare #and then thats just hpw the world is??? #absolutely fucking not i refuse #im so fucking angry and hurt that now i really am saying fuck it im disabled and queer and a fucking THREAT #growing up powerless and people showed me how to love myself #im going to protect that

[astrxealis]

i do not like tumblr much anymore again :(( anyways important stuff in the tags! but tldr just hmu if you want my discord or twitter, won't be gone from here completely but yeah <3

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #rambled abt this on my sb but i will do so here as well! #anyways interaction is. absolute shit save for a few people whom i love but also #it's sad a lot are so inactive now it seems but yeah it's for numerous reasons ofc but also. in terms of thmblr interaction really #understandable! and rn this low interaction is .... the people i see quite often on dash literally never interact with my posts (it has #been literal months) and even when i was more active it would. also be that way #and it's just really disheartening even though i do things for myself first and foremost and i am not afraid to say i put myself #first before anybody else. it's just. disheartening and i do not enjoy my time on tumblr once again #and i hate twt but at the same time i love it and honestly interaction/algorithm is so much better #and it's thanks to the users as well! like yeah i don't get much interaction yet either but i know why that is #and i can help change that. with tumblr it's the fact that. it's just really like that and it fucking sucks #anyways if i disappear you know what's up bcs this site is. i love most of my mutuals but god it's so disheartening to be on here #so if any of you want my discord or twitter just hmu :] i won't be quitting this place but def will be much less active #it's so disheartening and especially disappointing that even if i take time to be interactive it often does not get uhh i do not get that #as well ... and theres a lot of factors in this all but yeah! love the people i still see interacting #even if it's not that much but some of y'all are active and just kinda. ignore shit fr. #you can do what you want but it feels... not nice considering yes and yes but in the end i'll just move to something better and leave them #behind ^^ </3 #honestly this is only about you if i have not seen a single interaction in months and i often see you on dash #and i can understand why some people are like that esp if theyre neurodivergent but. man. it's just :')) fjbejfbskdn <//3 #tbh i don't really hold anything against anyone but god idk maybe if its just that my timing is bad but things have been like this fo #pretty much a while even when inwas active and its really not that big of a deal but. i dont have the motivation to be here anymore #and that feels weird to me bcs it kind of basically just dropped from a steady high <//3 #its funny bcs i cannot get angry at others SOBS and at the same tim i feel bad for feeling bad but i know its important tyeah #bcs ik that i should not feel bad but at the same time. hm #anyways i think i should learn to hmm ..... im a really grateful person but my sight when it comes to yes things is a bit bad so i will impr #improve on that!! in any case gah i should continue on hw soon #ALSO BTW i really dont hold anything against anyone and this is really just my general thoughts and feelings #so dont think too much of it bcs its not that deep but i do think it is serious #those are synonymous yeah bit im using them differently in a way i hope makes sense

[animutate]

maybe the ps tag isnt as dead as i think it is i should probably go through my blocklist

#i used to block anyone who even implied they selfshipped with **** it made me shut down for hours. #i have something wrong withme btw #it doesnt really do that anymore now im just like hm. no I Like Him More Than You in silence to myself in my brain #my only defense is ummm. im neurodivergent and a minor and im a victim of child neglect and havent felt loved since i was 5 maybe

[clanoffelidae]

Finally remembered I have a fuckton of frozen veggies lol

Munch munch peas and broccoli

#also havin some fimsh and cheesy potats #i have a hard time getting myself to MAKE food but im actually a fairly healthy eater after that hurdle #not even out of a conscious choice i just genuinely like fruits and veggies #and if i dont eat a green thing for more than 48 hours my body will notify me lol #ill feel like dogshit till i give it the desired nutrition #i literally had to restrain myself from scarfing the peas down like a starving dog lol #cause they were the first thing ready #and its the neurodivergent conundrum of i actually really like peas but theyre not part of my routine #bc they werent a common dish in my house growing up #so i rarely think to buy them when im in automatic mode at the store #and i even struggle to remember to MAKE them once i have them #bc again theyre not part of my usual routine #(id say spinach broccoli and green beans dominate my usual veggies - but again those arent the only ones i like) #(theyre just the routine ones so i tend towards them on automatic) #so whenever i DO remember to buy/make them its always like ‘god i havent had these in forever’ #and i just go feral on them lol #i love peas <3 #also havin some brogle #bc lately i havent had much its been mostly spinnach and grean beans #which im far from complaining about bc i like both those things but yknow #variety #im rlly fucking lucky that i just LIKE healthier foods by both nature and nurture #bc i have a hard time making myself eat stuff i dont like lol #but thankfully i DO like many fruits and veggies so i dont have to worry about it lol #just gotta get over that hurdle of making the veggies #instead of just trying to live off fruit cheese and crackers bc executive dysfunction lol

[indigodawns]

.

#mental health is such a weird thing isn't it... like damn when ur mind just... isn't healthy y'know 😔😔 #im in greece rn with my family (being as safe as possible and yeah i feel weird about it too) and it's so lovely and nice #and then also? i feel. tired 24/7 and am constantly on my phone rip and just... idk??? idk #i love my family i rly rly do. but then the conversations sometimes... it's. tiring & sometimes i feel like im constantly on the defence #like i will say smth abt idk not being able to remember things well at all and my sister goes WELL NO ONE DOES OFC #like yeah... yeah i know and i get the instinct i was JUST saying #and it's so? heterosexual dhsjsjd idk?? is that weird to. Feel? it's my parents and my sister + her bf #and he's uhhhhhhhh complicated but kind and happy rn and v sweet to me #but just... the vibes man. #oh wow i was like why did that feel different with my sister's ex but he was bi. oh. i mean he also turned out to be shitty but huh #anyways this really isn't to whine like i hope if u follow me u know by now rip like ofc im grateful etc and enjoying it #im also just. trying to figure myself out without blaming myself for everything idk idk idk #blablabla depression blabla some spice of undiagnosed bullshit and being bi and single #and like. my sister is probably neurodivergent and my dad definitely has adhd. yet i always feel like the Mentally Ill One here rip #anywaaaaaaaays #the sea is very good very nice and my parents really are being v good about everything #just don't feel like going to friends with this and making it a Conversation they didn't sign up for where idek what the conversation is