#my theory is that they realized last year that it wasn't a joke anymore and there are real feelings there

[mrsfitzgerald]

02.06.23. ig: anastasiia.yenina

#rammstein #paul landers #richard kruspe #paulchard #okay okay #they are smiling #at least #most likely all we are left with is MHB and MT and that if we are lucky #*sad sigh* #my theory is that they realized last year that it wasn't a joke anymore and there are real feelings there #and that's why richard looks like a rejected lover #ignore my thoughts #🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 #im too old for this angsty shit #but i love them so much afghsjdf #my ramm gifs #stadium tour 23

[egg-emperor]

Do you like the way Pontaff wrote Eggman?

Yes, I do. In fact, I already loved their writing for Eggman specifically years before IDW and the comic only solidified my love for it forever and proved that it wasn't just nostalgia talking, there were things they handled well and especially so much better than IDW when it came to their understanding of Eggman's character. (My first game was also long before the modern era with Heroes, so people can't say I'm biased out of them being my introduction to the series' writing or anything. In fact, they didn't even write any of my top five Sonic games.) Pontaff's writing did have flaws in other areas but I don't care to speak for the rest of it as an Eggman focused blog. But when it comes to Eggman himself, I truly feel that their writing for him was spot on all the way through and it was a blast.

All the dialogue felt like himself, he had the strongest portrayal and consistency, he had entertaining and clever humor (with all the Colors PAs being one of the prime examples but even the other jokes land with me), and he still had great evil and threatening moments and plans that people overlook just because of the humor and lighter hearted tone of the games of that era overall. Even when he was betrayed by the D6, it wasn't a lazy way to write him off, instead he got even more focus as he still found his way after he lost everything taken away and was still the final boss. That's how you handle betrayal and it was the only time they wrote it in a main game and he was always the main and respected bad guy. Then they gave us even better with Forces with a great example of his evil and success and showed his competence in clever backups, solid plans, and adaption to changes like he always truly could with his genius. Wild that the last story they'd write for shows an understanding of that specifically, while our next writer has shown he doesn't understand it at all and it worries me that he'll ruin it.

The only problem I've had with their portrayal is how they could've done a lot more with him than they did at times and usually the same could be said with the overall plots themselves. Especially in Forces, as his actual personality, dialogue, and actions we did see were fantastic but they should've shown more of the evil and done a lot more with him keeping Sonic captive for 6 months, what it was actually like when he was taking over, treated his role as important as it should've been after accomplishing his dream instead of giving all the screentime to Infinite, gone more in depth with it overall, etc. They had great ideas but the execution was weaker and the potential of the concepts weren't explored to the extent they should be.

And while I adore all the humor with Eggman that people complain about and will always defend it, they could've done with not removing/having less humor but instead also adding some more focus on the evil and seriousness along with it. He was still very much evil in games where people claim he's nothing but a joke, he's never been nothing but one in any modern game, he still has his fucked up plans and actions and hasn't become less evil just because they don't focus and show it right in your face as much anymore (though there are still a lot of moments even then but people overlook those too). But I like to imagine that if they had put more focus on it, it would help more realize that. Also just because the ideas were so cool and I wanted to see them fully explored, instead of feeling like there was a lot of wasted potential after.

But that's literally it when it comes to their handling of Eggman. I don't have anything bad to say about what we actually did get to see Eggman doing in the stories they wrote because I genuinely love it. It was inspiring to me for many writings, headcanons, fics, analysis, theories, etc, of my own because their stuff felt true, reliable, and in character for Eggman all the way through. I'm going to miss Pontaff Eggman a lot and I'd be much less nervous if they were still writing for Frontiers than knowing that Ian Flynn is. Pontaff Eggman had the balance of funny and evil and fucked up that I love in Eggman, he was smart and competent, and no moment of his felt OOC. It only could've gotten better if they'd just had more moments where they explore certain story concepts to the full extent they could have. And done more with other characters and maybe changed a few things there but again, I only speak for their Eggman writing and overall stories.

#asks #dr eggman #eggman #dr robotnik #dr. eggman #opinion #my post

[lepusrufus]

Double edged scalpel ch. 7

Ch.1 ch.2 ch.3 ch.4 ch.5 ch.6

Summary: in which Cassandra gets bullied and other sappy shenanigans

---

"Oh Nicole dear, so happy to see you again!" Duke's voice was cheerful as ever, tone masterfully crafted over years of being a businessman.

Nicole, taking small steps inside the ornate and now full of items room, greeted him with uncharacteristic giddiness.

"Duke! How's business?"

"Same as always, I'll be heading to Beneviento later tonight to deliver some tools for her," he took a long drag of his cigar and, noticing green eyes scanning over multiple items and said, "I also have your order."

With a childish grin on her face, she approached him, hands shuffling inside the small bag attached to her belt that all staff members had. She pulled out the money owed for her package and, in return, the Duke placed a decently sized box in her arms. With an oof she shifted it in a less precarious position, it's heavy contents seeming to plot against her small frame.

"Unfortunately I can't stay, duty calls. But thank you Duke."

"No worries, I do understand that your employers can be quite," he took another drag of his cigar, looking for the right word. "...demanding"

Nicole chuckled. That was one way to put it.

"Well until next time dear. Or if you find yourself in need of something else, I'll be here until six."

---

She was only wearing a long white towel when she heard a knock on the door. Assuming it was another maid, or even Anita inquiring about whether or not she'd be joining the rest of them for dinner, she opened the door just a crack.

It was a surprise to see none other than Cassandra standing there, her elegant frame in odd contrast with the modest corridor. She flung the door open, letting the brunette inside and took a quick glance down the hall, making sure no maid was on the floor after fainting due to fright.

"What are you doing here?"

"Aw, are you not happy to see me?" She was pouting, but her tone was joking.

Nicole rolled her eyes, but the small smile on her lips betrayed that she was indeed happy to see her. Cassandra only laughed instead, a beautiful melodious laugh, so unlike the dark cackles heard by prisoners down in the dungeons.

"Just sit down, I need to get dressed," Nicole pointed to the bed before moving to the small dresser and pulling out a clean uniform.

Cassandra went to sit on the slightly disheveled bed, eyes following the redhead's form as she let the towel drop to her feet and started to put on the various layers of her uniform. Then golden eyes darted to the box sitting on the bed. The tape sealing it had been cut not long after Nicole brought it back to her room to make sure all its contents made it safely. Not that she didn't trust the Duke, but postal service was postal service.

"What's this?" Cassandra inquired, trying to read the label but having no success as it had been scribbled over with a marker.

Nicole stilled for a moment, hands frozen on her white button up. She cleared her throat and shyly admitted:

"Actually that's for you. Do open it if you want."

Cassandra's eyes widened, a faint blush appearing on her cheeks. The gesture had really caught her off guard. She gingerly lifted the lid, inspecting it's contents for a moment and then hummed.

"And here I was thinking you like my hair. With how much you love to pull on it and all that."

Nicole, now fully clothed and sporting a deep blush, marched to her and plucked the two boxes of red hair dye from gloved hands. She placed them on her nightstand and, with her voice just slightly more high pitched, she turned to the brunette.

"Those are mine, I meant the rest of it." And, after a chuckle, "I mean have you seen my roots? They're horrible!"

Cassandra only gave her a deadpan look and, after a long moment, said: "I think your hair is beautiful."

She didn't wait for a reply, not that it would be anything more than a stammered mumble of course. Instead she chuckled and returned her attention to the box. She examined the rest of its contents and then gingerly lifted one of the few tomes inside. The cover was glossy and malleable, it's pages shiny and with a distinct typography smell to it. It was so unlike her other books, it's pristine white state making it feel extremely out of place in the castle. She glanced at Nicole inquisitively.

"I do appreciate the gift, don't misunderstand me, but surely you know there's a small bookshop's worth of medical books in this castle."

"With all due respect, from what I've seen most of them are at least somewhat outdated. Interesting, yes, but I thought you'd like to learn something more...modern." Then she pulled out another book. "This is the same one I used while studying forensic pathology. It would make teaching you some things easier. Uh… assuming you want that."

Nicole averted her gaze, suddenly unsure of the usefulness of her gift. Cassandra however grabbed her chin between two fingers and pulled her gaze back on her. She smiled, finding the shy demeanor beyond endearing.

"I'd love that."

A small smile appeared on thin lips and Nicole leaned in to kiss Cassandra. It was soft and short, but no less intimate than the deep kisses they shared so many times in Cassandra's bed.

They had to go anyway.

---

Let's go to the library, Cassandra said. It'll be empty, she said.

When Cassandra swung open the intricate door, only to find the other two sisters lounging on one of the couches, it's not like they could do a one eighty and leave the room. That would've been both impolite and highly suspicious.

Instead, Cassandra grabbed her arm protectively and led them to the reading spot farthest from the other two. They placed one of the textbooks on the small desk and Cassandra took out a notebook. This would've been a lot more fruitful with an actual body on hand, but there were still a couple days until the human flesh supply had to be replenished and Cassandra was beyond eager to start on some things. So, for now, they had to settle for theory alone.

It took all of five minutes for the other two sisters to make their way to their desk. Daniela had a giddy yet curious expression on her face, while Bela seemed as unreadable as ever, if not for a glint in her eyes that betrayed her interest.

"Whatcha dooooing?" Came Daniela's voice, who cocked her head not unlike a curious puppy would while looking at the book's contents.

"Working," Cassandra replied, a slight growl accompanying her words.

"Could've fooled me," Bela spoke from behind the youngest sister, eyeing the hand protectively placed on Nicole's waist.

Cassandra snapped her eyes at the blonde, looking ready to throw her notebook at her head but Bela ignored her sister's ire and addressed Nicole instead.

"What are you studying?"

"I uh- just some basic anatomy concepts. Thought it would be a good idea to start with the things that the older books in the castle don't cover."

Bela only hummed, grabbed an ornate chair nearby, and plopped herself at the desk, opposite from the pair. Daniela mimicked her sister, but instead chose to sit down right by Nicole on the small couch. It took more willpower than she would admit not to glue herself to Cassandra's side when Daniela's face came uncomfortably close so she could look over the book's diagrams. She stood still as a statue though. After a couple seconds of silence and Nicole trying to figure out what she was supposed to do, Daniela drew her head back, looking at her with what was possibly the most serious expression she had seen on the youngest sister.

"You do realize we're not going to hurt you right? How could we lay a finger on our dear sister's lover hmm?"

Nicole's breath caught in her throat. She wasn't sure if it was due to the word used to describe her or how Daniela apparently knew that she was utterly terrified of her. Cassandra sighed beside her and, seeming to at least partially read Nicole's thoughts, clarified:

"Your heartbeat."

Oh. Yeah. Yeah her heart was beating a million miles an hour. And apparently the other three vampiric occupants of the room were able to hear it loud and clear. It did very little to ease her mind.

"Please do calm down, it feels like someone is having drumming lessons. Bad ones," Bela complained, head resting in one of her hands like she was already bored.

"Then shove a sock in your ears," Cassandra snapped.

Bela simply leaned back in her seat and stretched her arms above her head. "And risk not hearing my beloved sisters sing along to some pop song?"

Cassandra shut her mouth, a blush now slowly spreading across her cheeks while Daniela burst out into laughter. Even Nicole couldn't help betraying the brunette and letting out a giggle.

"I didn't know you could sing."

"I can't."

"Au contraire dear Cassie! Should I remind you of the last time Dragostea din tei came on the radio? The pathos!" Daniela reached over Nicole's lap to lightly shake her sister's knee through her giggles.

Cassandra only let out a long groan, face now hidden in her palms. "I hate you both."

"Mhm, we love you too," came Bela's reply, accompanied by a chuckle.

Nicole couldn't keep a small laugh while she snaked her arm behind the brunette to show some form of support against the merciless assailants. Maybe not a complete betrayal.

The scene really had something deep within her heart aching beautifully. It reminded her of the countless times she and Alex would mercilessly tease each other, but still have each other's backs through thick and thin. And for this familiarity to come from people that any sane person would consider bloodthirsty monsters? Hell, maybe they should start considering her a monster too, for the only word she could use to describe them in that moment was endearing.

"So," Bela lightly clapped her gloved hands. "Now that your pulse isn't giving me a headache anymore, what are we doing?"

She had a confident smirk on her face, but her eyes betrayed curiosity. Same for Daniela and, although mixed with a hint of annoyance, Cassandra. She opened the book in front of her, one of general human anatomy, and decided that the digestive system would be a good enough starting point.

---

Their little impromptu lesson didn't last more than two hours. Two hours that proved to Nicole just how oddly human all three sisters can be. Of course she had gotten familiar with Cassandra, intimately so, but the other two still felt like two looming monsters hiding in the shadows. At least up until now.

Bela seemed oddly intrigued by Nicole's explanation, although unlike Cassandra, she seemed to view it more like a story than anything. Daniela seemed slightly more interested, asking questions here and there and even starting to giggle like a middle schooler when they got to the rectum section. That got an eye roll from the other two. Nicole just laughed, finally understanding Mrs Hawkins, her private biology teacher from before she was allowed to step foot in any public school.

After they were done, Bela simply stood up and bid them good night. Danila instead excitedly proposed the skeletal system for next time and picked up the books she abandoned earlier. Then, with a small tower of tomes she went through a door tucked at the very back of the room. Her study, Cassandra had pointed out as they made their way out of the library.

"I didn't know your sisters were interested in medicine too." Nicole kept her voice low, almost as if talking too loudly would disturb the shadowy hallways.

"More or less. Daniela likes it and has a bit of hands-on practice but she has her nose in romance novels more often than not. Bela finds it interesting but botany is what she really loves. That and classic lit." She added the last part with a grimace and Nicole had to wonder which author had offended her personally.

Before she could continue that train of thought though, her gaze moved to the windows, the cloudless sky beyond thick glass panels full of twinkling stars. Her mind kept going back to a few hours earlier and at what Daniela had said. Lover. Did Cassandra truly see her as one or was the youngest sister just being her over the top self. Did she see Cassandra this way? Nicole had not allowed herself to dwell on that up until now, the idea that the brunette saw her as more than an over glorified lab partner with whom she occasionally scratched an itch seemed almost laughable. But the small gestures of affection shown in ways Cassandra seemed to know best were undeniably there. And the familiar flutter in her chest at each of said gestures was also undeniably there.

"What's wrong?"

Cassandra's voice, accompanied by the slight echo through the empty hallway, snapped Nicole out of her thoughts.

"Oh um- nothing." She sounded as convincing as someone trying to sell you a fork while showing you a spoon.

And Cassandra didn't seem to buy it. She moved in front of the redhead, walking backwards with no concern over possible furniture to collide into along the way.

"You always get this… face when something's bothering you."

"I do not-" the indignation in her tone was weak, little more than an attempt to change the subject.

"Mhmm you do. You normally look focused. Kind of like, if someone tried to scare you by throwing an eyeball at you, you'd laugh." She would. "Now? Now you look like a rabbit that has no time to run and is just laying low hoping whatever's hunting it passes by."

Nicole shut up for a moment, only looking at the brunette in front of her incredulously. Maybe she was far more attentive than she gave her credit for.

"Uh. Just thinking." At a raised dark eyebrow, the no shit went unsaid, so Nicole tried to elaborate. "About earlier. When we were with your sisters and Daniela uh- Daniela called me your lover."

Saying that the words felt awkward on her tongue was close to the year's biggest understatement. It felt like pulling out teeth would be an easier task. Nicole had never been good with her words, having learned since childhood to keep her mouth shut. But the fact that Cassandra seemed to share her struggle brought some semblance of comfort.

"And?" As if they were talking about the weather.

"And… was she right in describing me as such?"

She couldn't help a small gulp when the brunette stopped walking, looking at her with a frown. Any sane person would be at the very least somewhat afraid in this situation. Sanity however was scarce these days as Nicole was afraid, though not of the bodily harm that may come from her inquiry, but rather of Cassandra's answer.

"Nicole, your tongue has been in my mouth." Amongst many other places.

The redhead's cheeks turned a slight shade of crimson and she mumbled for an answer. She wasn't sure how to tell her that sleeping together did not automatically make them lovers. But then again, Cassandra's thoughts remained a mystery more than anything.

Thankfully the brunette took the metaphorical reins of the conversation and stepped forward. She wrapped her hands around Nicole's arms, gentler than one would imagine possible from her, and bent down to whisper no more than an inch away from her ear.

"I'll have you know, I'm not particularly fond of letting anyone I don't deem important touch me. Especially not the way you do."

The words made something flutter in Nicole's chest, an unfamiliar and comforting warmth. Said warmth got chipped away at the slightest bit when Cassandra pulled back to look her in the eyes.

"Should I take it that it's not mutual then?" Cassandra's tone was nonchalant, almost as if she didn't truly care about the answer. She could keep doing whatever she wanted either way, afterall who was going to stop her? But to someone who got familiar with all her small quirks and habits, the waver in her voice was more than clear.

"No." The world slipped from her lips with no hesitation.

No hesitation, because the more she thought about it, and she didn't need to think a lot mind you, the more Nicole realized that she couldn't remember a time when she felt the way she did here. Sure the initial threat of death looming over her head was anything but pleasant, but once that melted into affection and nights spent in Cassandra's arms the thought of leaving didn't as much as graze her mind.

"No, no. It is," she repeated, more certainty making its way into her tone.

At that Cassandra smiled. A small, almost shy one would say if they knew her well enough, smile. Her shoulders seemed to lose some of their tension when she leaned down again, her lips stopping not even an inch away. Nicole wasted no time leaning forward, their mouths meeting in a kiss that mixed softness and need beautifully. Their lips slid against each other until, surprisingly, it was Cassandra to pull back and sigh.

"Come sleep, we have some cutting up to do in the morning."

Nicole frowned. "Tomorrow? Wasn't that supposed to be due in a few days?"

A devilish grin appeared on black lips, fangs shimmering ominously in the low light. "Bela caught a foolish man-thing sneaking around the forest on the castle grounds. She's really excited to turn this one into a nice steak."

The redhead only let out an oh in acknowledgement. Foolish indeed. At least they could finally put into practice a few autopsy tricks Nicole had been itching to show her.

She let herself be guided back to Cassandra's chambers and into her bed, that she had grown intimately familiar with. The last thing she felt before falling asleep was the brunette's cool skin, pressed against her own. A welcomed comfort among the myriad of soft pillows that surrounded them. Nicole wondered briefly if being undead meant it was hard to keep yourself warm, but the thought quickly slipped away as she fell into a dreamless sleep.

#cassandra dimitrescu x maiden #unhinged maiden™ my beloved #bela dimitrescu #daniela dimitrescu #double edged scalpel #fanfic #the dimitrescu daughters

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter ten: "Set me free my honey bee"

Word count: 11,6K

Summary: Let's jump 19 months in time and see how painful it has turned for reader and Spencer to hide their feelings for each other. JJ leaves the team, and a new member joins the BAU.

Warnings: Angst and hurt. Fools being assholes. Cursing, of course. Mention of CM cases and spoilers on S06E11.

A/N: Please don't hate me. Just remember things usually look like the shit before they get worst, and then everything is better. I hope.

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

┅┅┅┅┅┅┅༻❁༺┅┅┅┅┅┅┅

(Y/N)'s point of view

Time is a weird thing. I remember when I was in school and time didn't pass fast enough. Semesters were eternal. It felt it had been years by the time summer vacation arrived. The complete opposite happened to me at the BAU. Suddenly, time passed too quickly. A whole year and a half went by in the blink of an eye.

I told Spencer about it, and he sent me a paper published by Professor Adrian Bejan that presented an argument based on the physics of neural signal processing. He hypothesizes that, over time, the rate at which we process visual information slows down, and this is what makes time 'speed up' as we grow older.

My answer was that I thought it happened 'cos as we grew older, we did things that actually gave us joy, which made us feel the time was passing faster than before. So we argued a whole Saturday afternoon about it and created our own theories for that event.

My theory was my personal favorite, 'cos it was the only one that could easily explain why so much time had passed in the BAU, and it felt like it had been just a few weeks.

It hadn't been easy, though. Those nineteen months had been filled with some of the worst situations we had been through as a team.

After I got shot, JJ finally admitted her relationship with Will and got pregnant. That was shocking, the first BAU baby: Henry.

Sadly, Henry was the only little good thing that happened that year. Because to sum it up, a bunch of awful shit happened to all of us: Hotch was in a car explosion that almost killed him. Spencer and Prentiss got trapped in an undercover mission into an underground cult to investigate child abuse, and Emily was beaten up pretty badly. Also, Spencer got infected with anthrax and nearly died. That was probably the most agonizing moment I had lived since the whole Tobias Hankel situation two years earlier.

Also, that year Prentiss had to investigate the case of the death of one of her best friends, and I was in a pretty nasty fight with an unsub that got me out of the field for three weeks. Not to mention, Spencer was shot in the leg.

Hotch was stabbed by the only unsub that has actually won against the BAU: Foyet. He attacked Aaron and got on the lose for months, but we all knew his next move as torture Hotch's family. That's why his ex-wife Haley and his little son Jack had to go into protective custody, and he couldn't see them for months while we tried to catch Foyet.

Things didn't go as planned. And without a doubt, the worst moment that year was the day Haley died. Foyet killed her, and Aaron lost it. He literally killed him with his bare hands the moment he got him. For a solid week, I was sure Aaron Hotchner wouldn't be the unit chief anymore. Strauss actually opened an investigation related to everything that happened that day. But in the end, somehow, she understood the "bloodbath" that had happened in that house was all in Foyet's hands.

However, there's no way to deny that the whole team had changed in many ways after that year. The concept of being a family was now more present than ever. After chasing Foyet for months, we were all onto him as if he was chasing our own family, because he was.

You don't work this kind of job with a team like mine and don't get attached to them. And this goes beyond how in love I was with Spencer. The (Y/N) who first stepped into the BAU, scared to show her true self, was long gone. And despite my deepest fears, letting them in and showing them who I really was had been one of the smartest decisions I have ever made.

Do you want to know which was my stupidest decision? Falling in love with Spencer Reid. It hadn't actually been my choice. I just didn't fight the feeling either. I don't think I could have even if I tried, though. Those nineteen months brought us so close, my mom thought we were living together, and the teasing from our friends was so common we weren't even affected by it.

For Christ Sakes, even Strauss thought we were dating! She forced us to attend a seminar on fraternization, concerned after she realized we always took our vacation together. We had a lot of fun trips, though. First, we visited his mom and had an amazing weekend in Las Vegas. Then we took a few days off after the anthrax incident and went to Hawaii. Picture Spencer Reid in an "all-inclusive," drinking all the coffee and eating all the pastries possible while reading a million books underneath an extra-large umbrella. We had fun that week, did some local touring, but most of all, sleeping in and relaxing. Spencer hates the beach but got those tickets anyway.

Did everybody think we were a couple? Yes

Did it help that we shared rooms, 'cos we were already used to it? No

Did it feel like a honeymoon without sex? Yes

Could I stop thinking about sex with Spencer? No.

And all that led us to the nightmare our relationship was going to become.

Penelope Garcia was drunk. She kept pouring shots and pushing them to us. Emily was wasted as well. But she kept acting like the classy lady she is. Not like JJ. My poor baby had mascara smeared under her eyes after crying for like an hour.

We found out she was leaving the team, and it was a hard blow on us. And by hard, I mean the worst thing that had ever happened to us. We had suffered without JJ when she was on maternity leave. And we struggled without her. Now knowing the Pentagon had taken her away from the BAU was torture.

We had a goodbye party for her at Rossi's, but this was our goodbye girl's night, and neither of us was holding anything back.

We had cried, we had sung sad songs. We drank all the champagne, wine, and vodka we could find. And now, holding our tequila shots, we knew it was time to call it a night.

- "I just love you girls so much,"- JJ whispered, crying- I don't wanna work without you.

- "Boo, come here!!"- I opened my arms and wrapped them around my friend, kissing the top of her hair a few times- "I love you too, and you are going to come back so soon you won't have time to miss us. You'll see. Papa Rossi and Dada Hotch are gonna fix everything."

I was drunk. Seriously drunk. But that wasn't the reason why I was so sweet with JJ. The truth is, I was broken-hearted. Like Penelope and Reid, I didn't manage change very well, and the fact that JJ was forced to leave made me feel frustrated and mad. But most of all, it made me think of every time I had been a little bitch with her during the years. And I regretted each one of them.

- "And we won't be far!"- Emily added and caressed JJ's arm, smiling kindly- "You will still be in town, and we will not leave you alone"- JJ chuckled and nodded.

- "I know, girls. Shit, I love you all so much!"

- "We love you too!"- Penelope sobbed and moved closer, wrapping the three of us in her arms.

- "Please, take care!"- JJ wiped off the tears from her eyes and looked at us- "Emily, don't do anything stupid! Don't rush in the field, and please don't take your fucking vest off!!"

- "I won't! I promise!"

- "You have to live to be Unit chief one day!"- JJ added, and Prentiss widened her eyes, shocked.

- "That's not really my gold."

- "But you'd be queen, baby!!"- Jareau added and turned to Penelope- "And you, please make sure Hotch eats. I kept a stack of granola bars on my desk to keep him fueled during the day. He usually forgets lunchtime and skips dinner, so..."

- "Don't worry, JJ,"- Penelope nodded, and we all felt our heartbreak a little thinking about all the things JJ did in her daily basics to take care of the team, and we didn't even know.

- "How are we going to survive without you?"- I mumbled, pouting. JJ chuckled and held my hand.

- "You are a rock, and you will do a fantastic job keeping this team together. Just, please, can you and Spencer start dating now?"

I wide opened my eyes and stared at JJ. The comment surprised me. I shouldn't, 'cos the whole "you and Spencer should start dating" joke was getting old. Only this time, JJ wasn't joking. She held both my hands and looked right into my eyes.

- "(Y/N), he loves you"- I was about to argue with her, but she covered my mouth with her Cheetos smelling hand.

- "Don't say a word! Spencer loves you so much you really must be blind not to see it. And I know you love him too. It's implied in all the little things you do for him every day. So don't take it for granted. Don't think this will last forever 'cos look at me! A week ago, I was happily working at the BAU, and now I'm drinking at my goodbye party! So don't waste any more time! You are in love with Spencer, and he loves you! It doesn't take a profiler to see it. So please! Act on it!"

There was a dramatic silence after. I didn't know how to break it. I could just joke around, but somehow, it didn't feel right. It had been too quiet for too long, and that made everything harder to deny. Finally, Emily put her hand on mine, just like JJ was still doing, and smiled at me.

- "There's nothing to be ashamed of, (Y/N). You are not the first person to fall for her best friend."

- "And the Junior G Man loves you so much,"- Penelope added, landing her hand on our hands too.

- "As his friend"- I corrected and sighed. I guess that was it. After three years, I could probably start facing my feelings in front of my friends.

- "No, (Y/N)"- Garcia tried to argue, but I shook my head and stood up, 'cos all that sudden attention and affection was bothering me.

- "PG, I was in Hawaii with the man, sharing a room, walking around in a bikini, and he didn't do anything."

- "That's because he is shy!"- Emily excused him right away.

- "My bikini leaves pretty much nothing to the imagination. Do you know what he said when he first saw me on it?"- I looked at my friend and poured us another round of tequila- "And I quote, "I don't think I brought enough books. This one is too interesting."

I air quoted with my fingers as we spoke, and the three of them looked at me, speechless. I made my point and drank my shot, feeling the alcohol burning down my throat. My friends opened their mouths but didn't produce a word. I sighed and looked at them.

- "But he hates the beach, and he took you there anyway,"- Emily pointed out

- "Did he give you his speech about how he hates sandy food?"- JJ asked me, and I chuckled, nodding.

- "And about pink skin, limited and unengaging topography, and of course, the real reason he hates the beach: drug-resistant bacteria spread by seagull feces."

- "And the man took you to the beach!"- Penelope argued.

- "But he didn't do anything! he didn't make his move, didn't even hold my hand!!"- I nearly shouted- "That's why, among a lot of reasons, is how I know Spencer is not interested in me! If only I'd tell you all the shit we've been through!"

- "Please!! Tell us!!"- Garcia begged and grabbed one of my legs- "I won't live another day 'cos I won't be able to deal with the mystery!"

- "No! 'cos you are gonna tell Morgan"- I slurred- "And he is going to embarrass and tease my honey bunny, and my honey bunny is gonna get all nervous and nervous around me, and we are never going to..."- I stopped talking and looked at my friends. I was sharing too much.

- "(Y/N)?"- Prentiss looked at me, but I just shook my head and looked down.

- "I think I better go home."

- "No, you can't drive like this,"- JJ argued immediately and held my hand- "I'm not gonna let you go intoxicated. Will is gonna come pick me up, and we'll drop you in your place."

I nodded at her and stayed still. My friends smiled at me, and slowly very slowly, I leaned on JJ's shoulder and rested my head on it.

- "I love you, boo,"- I whispered, and she giggled- "I don't think I'll stay sane without you there with us anymore."

- "Hotch is gonna manage to get her back,"- Penelope assured me, and I just nodded.

- "Meanwhile, we won't replace you, and if anyone tries to push someone new into the team, we are not gonna take them,"- I added, feeling JJ's hand holding mine.

- "Don't be mean with people just 'cos you miss me. If there's a new teammate, it won't be their fault I was pushed out of the BAU."

- "But, JJ,"- I tried to argue, but she shook her head right away.

- "No, (Y/N). You can't be mean to people just because."

Clearly, my friend hoped I could be the better person. The simple question was: did I want to be the better person? Right there, drunk and sad, the answer was no.

Spencer's point of view

I kept finding myself awake at four in the morning, walking around my apartment, not able to read or to write anything. For the last months, at least twice or three times each week, I would stay awake, no matter how tired I felt, and I would haunt my own apartment, listening to my vinyl records.

The sudden lack of sleep wasn't really something weird in me. I have always been nocturnal. Besides, the news of JJ's departure had hit us all pretty hard. I had already shared my share of tears and tried to manage the fury that caused me to know we were helpless to the government's decisions. There was nothing we could do, neither us, Hotch, or even Strauss. Not that she would if she could.

My family was in crisis, and all we could do was hope for the best and stay together.

It was scary losing JJ. It made me think of all the things that could go wrong every day on the field daily. It was bad that we could get hurt or even die on our work. But that they divided us that way made no sense. Like Rossi said: our loss was someone else's winning, and in the FBI, no one cared if we lost.

I poured myself a cup of herbal tea and inhaled the smell of it. It smelled like home. Like (Y/N). She had some of her favorite teas in my apartment. She had a bunch of all her things there, actually. When mom visited, she thought we were living together. She is still sure we are dating and that I don't wanna tell her. I don't longer argue with her about it. It's useless, and it somehow feels good to imagine in another world. It was actually true.

That year my feelings for my best friend had grown in a way that made it all more difficult to deal with. I didn't just love her. I was in love with her. She was in everything I did, in each and every one of my thoughts. I could hear her laughter in my head, like a record playing my favorite song over and over again.

When she was out there in the field, I couldn't stop running all the probabilities of her getting hurt, and most of the time, I would do my best to keep her safe, knowing it could somehow interfere with the case.

Hotch had called me to his office a few times, aware something was going with me. He could read it on my face, I guess. It was scary to know everybody could read my feelings for (Y/N) but her. And it was sad to think of the worst: that she knew how much I loved her, but she didn't feel the same, and she was just being my friend 'cos she was never going to be anything else but my friend.

I drank my tea and hummed the song that sounded in my house at four in the morning: Love is a losing game. Seemed pretty accurate for my mood. I remember the day I got that vinyl. We were out with (Y/N), Frank, and Lu, looking for a present for Mikey's birthday, and we ended up in a record store, getting a million vinyl records for ourselves.

- "Are you getting all those?"- (Y/N) asked me and looked at the seven albums in my hand.

- "Yes, why? I can't?"- I answered and raised an eyebrow.

- "Sassy!"- she giggled and grabbed them- "You can get all the albums you want. But I have to give my approval first. No, you are not getting this!"- she grabbed The Beatles' Revolver and left it aside.

- "What? Why? It's only one I need to complete my collection."

- "I know, but when you get it, you'll force me to listen to it, and I don't like the Beatles,"- she argued, and I just shook my head, taking the album again.

- "Sorry, chipmunk, I'm buying it."

- "Fine. I won't go to your house for the next couple of weeks then."

- "Why don't you tell me which album you wanna listen to when you are in my house then?"- I looked at her, smiling at me and looking for a record on the shelves.

- "This! You need some Amy in your life."

And I did. Now, at four in the morning, all alone walking around, I could see her in my apartment, singing along to her favorite songs while cooking dinner, feeling at home. I wished she was there, with me, doing nothing. Watching tv, or reading. Just hanging out. I knew it wasn't healthy being in love with my friend, seeing her every day, and also hanging out with her every chance I got. But even when I knew she was never going to love me the way I did, I was going to take every chance I had to enjoy her company. If that was all I was going to get.

My phone took me from my thoughts, and I quickly walked to my room to get it. I thought it was Hotch announcing a case, but it was JJ.

- "Hey! JJ, everything ok? Is Henry ok?"

- "Yes, hi Spence. We are all ok."

- "It's four in the morning."

- "Sorry I woke you up... I just..." - she made a pause and sighed at the other side of the line- "Spencer, you know I love you."

- "I love you too. You are one of my best friends. Is everything ok?"

- "Yes, I just wanted to... remember a bunch of years ago, when you asked me to that football game?"

A million years had passed since the one and only time I had asked JJ out. It was the only move I tried to do on her, and I failed incredibly. It was awkward, and she had no idea it was a date, so she invited Garcia to come along. I was so embarrassed I never even mentioned that single event ever again, and our friendship grew after.

- "Yes, I remember, JJ. Why?"

- "When you asked me out, did you have a crush on me?"

- "JJ, are you drunk?"- I had to ask 'cos that conversation was starting to scare me.

- "Yes, but that's not why I'm talking about this. Just answer the questions, Spence. When you asked me out on that date, did you have a crush on me?"

- "Yes, I did."

I closed my eyes, embarrassed to face feelings that were far forgotten.

- "You see, I had a crush on you too back then,"- JJ said and chuckled- "But neither of us acted on it, and life continued, and now I'm in love with Will, and we have a baby, and you are his godfather."

Of all the things I thought I would listen to that day, never in a million years, I imagined I would hear JJ drunk telling me she had a crush on me when we first met.

- "Now, do you want that to happen again?"- she asked, and I didn't get it, 'cos I was still trying to process what I had just heard. So I might have had a relationship with her if only I had said something, act on it. Kiss her, ask her out again?

- "What?"

- "Spence. Do you want to miss the chance to be with the girl you like?"

- "No, but JJ, what are you talking about?"

She sighed, frustrated, and used that tone of voice with me, that very maternal specific tone of voice she used to explain things she knew were hard for me to follow.

- "When you like someone, Spence, you have to tell her. 'Cos sometimes, life gets in the way, and if you don't do what you have to do to be happy, no one will do it for you."

- "Are you ok, JJ?"

- "Yes, Spence, I'm ok. I'm home with Will. We just got here after dropping (Y/N) off her place."

- "How was she?"

- "She might have had a few too many drinks, but she'll be ok in the morning. Maybe she'd appreciate it if you brought her coffee and donuts."

- "She doesn't like donuts,"- I corrected her- "She likes cupcakes and brownies."

- "Sorry. Coffee and cupcakes... just tell her you love her, Spence. She deserves to know."

I held my breath and closed my eyes. I didn't get why JJ was telling me that, but I knew I didn't want to talk about it. So I said good night and hung up.

What was the point of telling me we could have been a couple of years had passed already? Why didn't she say a thing before? Or even better, why didn't she ever say a word about it at all? So I missed the chance to be happy with her. Great. One more regret to add to my list.

I laid on my bed and tried to remember that date. I was so nervous that day, my hands shook inside my pockets as I walked to JJ's door. She looked beautiful that day, especially when she looked at me and announced she had invited Penelope to join us.

That was when I realized she would never see me as a proper date, just like a friend. And I learned to make my peace with that over the years. My crush for JJ lasted a few more months, but it vanished when I fell for (Y/N). What if she had never joined the team? Would I have been in love with JJ forever? Jeniffer always made me feel like her little brother, and I guess that's the mechanic that works for us. We were good friends ever since we met, and yes, I had a crush on her, but we work more like siblings than anything else.

What was the point in telling me I had missed a chance with her now? I just couldn't see it.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The next few weeks were us trying to survive without JJ. The team was making the best it could, but it was hard. Penelope took the lead during the second case without JJ. She turned into our tech analyst and communication liaison, only to collapse under the pressure of having two roles.

No one was going to replace JJ. We all knew it. Literally, no one, 'cos Hotch decided he and Garcia were going to split the job, and we were all going to collaborate as much as we could, 'cos we were a team. A family. And that's what families do.

And families were the target of the unsub we were hunting the day everything changed. Again. I hadn't recovered from the departure of JJ when Rossi and Hotch walked to the bullpen and introduced us to Agent Trainee Ashley Seaver.

My nemesis.

- "Agent trainee Seaver"- Rossi smiled at her like a proud father and looked at us as we stood up, wondering who she was- "Supervisory Special Agent Prentiss, (Y/L/N), and Morgan."

- "I've heard so much about the three of you,"- she said with the sweetest tone of voice I had ever heard. Something about that felt odd.

- "I hope it is all good- Morgan flirted right away, of course."

- "Very, sir."

- "Anything specific? I mean about me in particular?"- I turned to him and failed in holding back my chuckles.

- "Please, don't encourage him, or he will never stop talking,"- I said, and Derek elbowed me playfully. Seaver smiled at us and even blushed a little bit. She was nervous.

- "Agent Seaver is on loan to us from the academy while she is remedial training with an injury."

Hotch announced. And my stomach tightened right away. There was something wrong with that whole scene. I could feel it in my guts. But I didn't know why?

- "Concussion. Hand to hand got a little out of control."- Seaver explained and kept a silly smile on her face.

- "How's the other guy?"- Prentiss asked.

- "Don't ask."

- "I was remediated in the academy also,"- Spencer said, walking over us, and suddenly I understood why I had a bad feeling about everything.

- "Agent Seaver, Dr. Reid."

As soon as I heard Rossi say those words, there was a part of me who just wanted to hold Spencer's hand and push him away from her, even before they could say hi. She looked at him like he was eye candy, and I clenched my knuckles as I stared at the scene.

- "Uhm... What was your issue?"- she asked him, and I could see the pink on her cheek intensifying as he looked at her, confused.

- "What was my issue? Marksmanship, physical training, obstacle course, Hogan's alley. You know, pretty much everything that wasn't technically book related. They ultimately had to make exceptions to allow me into the field."

Seaver stared at him and kept nodding, though I wondered if she was listening to what he had said. Spencer looked exceedingly handsome that day. His hair was very short for the first time in years, and he still had no idea how to comb it, so it was all over the place, making him look as hot as fuck.

I was so in love with him, I didn't know what to do with those feelings at all. It was hard working with Reid at that point. I just wanted to kiss him.

- "Agent Seaver's going to accompany us to New Mexico,"- Aaron announced, and I couldn't help but question him right away.

- "She is?"

- "As a consultant."- he assured me.

- "On?"- Morgan raised an eyebrow and looked at Hotch, wondering what a trainee agent could help us with as a consultant.

- "She has a unique perspective,"- Rossi tried to explain, but it sounded like bullshit.

- "They don't know?"- Seaver turned to the elderly agents, and they shook their heads.

- "Well, we weren't sure how you wanted to,"- David whispered.

- "Uh... Seaver's not my original last name. It's my mother's maiden name. Mine used to be Beauchamp. My father is Charles Beauchamp"- Ashley was supposed to explain the circumstances of her consultancy to the whole team, but she just looked at Spencer as she spoke.

- "As in the Redmond ripper, Charles Beauchamp?"- he asked her, and suddenly, it clicked. It was like my whole body was telling me I couldn't be close to her for a reason.

- "That's him,"- she whispered and kept her eyes on my best friend as he continued talking.

- "He killed 25 women over 10 years in rural North Dakota. I think that you caught him, right, Rossi?"- and David nodded.

- "Hotch was on that team, too."

- "Based on her life experience, we were hoping that agent Seaver might recognize something in the family dynamics inside the community that could be helpful. We have a plane waiting,"- Hotch announced and looked at us, but none of us said a word.

I kept my eyes glued at my feet the whole time Aaron talked. Then, Spencer nodded and walked with Seaver and Rossi out to the hangar. I couldn't even blink. I think I was in shock.

- "Her father was a serial killer?"- Prentiss asked Hotch, not getting what he was thinking.

- "That's definitely a different set of parameters,"- Morgan added. Neither of them was sold on the idea, which made me feel a little bit better.

- "I don't want her presence to get us sidetracked. It's a long shot that she's gonna see anything helpful. We work it like any other case,"- Hotch was clear, and Prentiss and Morgan nodded.

- "You got it."

But I disagreed with that.

- "(Y/N), is everything ok?"- Aaron asked me, and I tried my best to lie and be cool.

- "Yeah, I'm ok."

- "Ok. We work this like any other case. Wheels up in twenty."

But everything was far from being ok.

I sat next to Spencer on the jet, and we reviewed the case files together. Hotch briefed us, and we all pretended it wasn't weird having Seaver there. And I guess we had to pretend it wasn't odd knowing her dad was a serial killer.

- "You are very young, (Y/N),"- she said and smiled at me. She was sitting across from Spencer and me, and you could tell she had been trying to join the conversation for a few minutes now.

-" Twenty eight,"- I answered and looked at the files again.

- "And you, doctor?"

- "You can call me Reid. I'm twenty eight too,"- Spencer cut her a short, awkward, and nervous smile, and I turned to him.

- "Honey, did I leave my Mets jersey at your house?"- it was the only question that came to my mind at that minute. It was completely random, but somehow it showed a part of our dynamic that Ashley didn't know. Our friendship. Our closeness.

- "Yes, I found it last night,"- he answered and sipped his coffee- "I was gonna bring it over, but then I remembered you always borrow all my sweaters when you are home or when you stay over, so I thought maybe it was a good idea to keep it at my place."

- "I don't know, Batsy. It's my favorite sweatshirt- I raised an eyebrow, and I'm pretty sure I even flirted a little bit."

- "So? You need to keep one there."

- "But I like wearing your clothes when we are at your place. It's extra large and extra comfy."

- "Is that why you keep taking my sweaters back to your house?"- he asked and chuckled- "Last Sunday, I found four of my sweaters in your closet."

- "Sorry, I'm not even sorry,"- I said and laughed- "And what were you doing in my closet?"

- "Lucy, Ricky, can we focus on the case?"- Morgan asked and waved at us with one silly grin on his face- "We love hearing your adorable daily adventures, but we've got a psycho killer to catch."

Spencer blushed and flustered right away. I stuck out my tongue at Morgan and just shook my head. The way Seaver looked at Reid was still driving me nuts, but I felt I had shown her he was mine, childishly.

It's embarrassing to think that's not the most childish thing I did around her those days. Or in the weeks to follow. But I didn't like Ashley, and I didn't want her around my team. And it wasn't just her constant flirting with Spencer. It was the fact her father had killed my mother's sister when she was in college, and I was making my best effort to keep that fact aside from work. My personal life had to stay out of the FBI, especially when working a case.

I had to do some serious mental work trying to remember it wasn't Ashley's fault her father was a sick bastard. She hadn't hurt my family, and her father had ruined her life too. It wasn't her fault.

But one thing is knowing. Another thing is being rational about it. Spoiler: I wasn't so rational about it.

- "So, (Y/N). Do you like working at the BAU?"- Ashley asked me and looked at me through the rearview mirror. We were in the SUV, and Prentiss was driving. I was in the back seat, trying to ignore her, but she made it impossible.

- "Yes, very much,"- I answered and nodded, not taking my eyes from the window.

- "Everybody is very friendly,"- Seaver added and made a pause. I don't know if she wanted me to say something or if she was trying to find a way to say what she wanted to say.

- "Yes, they are,"- I humored her, and she quickly responded.

- "Are you and Spencer dating?"- I could feel the blood raising my cheeks as she spoke. And Prentiss flashed me a look through the mirror as Ashley continued talking.

- "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I just wondered because of the fraternization policy."

- "Right. Sure. Of course."

Those three words were meant to let Ashley know I wasn't buying her bullshit, So I literally spit them.

- "Spencer is my best friend. We are not dating."

Facing that simple truth had never been harder before, especially after how I saw Ashley's face light up.

- "You just seem to be so close."

- "Oh, they are close,"- Emily smiled at me and winked- "They are so close, they sometimes freak us out."

- "We freak you out?"- I raised an eyebrow and carefully hit her arm, pretending to be upset. But honestly, I was glad she was teasing me.

- "I am just saying, we are all pretty suspicious about you two. I am actually surprised you didn't share rooms tonight. They usually share rooms."- Emily explained to Seaver.

- "He was paired with Morgan,"- I pouted and looked at my phone. I thought maybe I could send him a funny text. I actually wanted to hang out with him.

- "He is very nice,"- Ashley added- "I mean, everybody is nice."

- "Yes, you mentioned it"

I was clearly not being nice. Seaver nodded and looked at the files again. I assumed she was trying to find a way to keep asking about Spencer, and I was making my best not to kill her.

- "Working with a genius must be somehow intimidating,"- she said after a few minutes. Damn it, she wasn't going to let that subject go.

- "It's fun working with Spencer,"- Prentiss said, trying to humor Seaver. And mostly, I guess trying to ease my mood and keep me from killing the trainee agent.

- "I'm sure it is,"- Seaver added. I hated her.

- "He is more than just a genius, he is a nerd."- Emily pointed out and chuckled at her words, making Seaver giggle too. I looked at my book again, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to concentrate on it at all. He was my nerd. Mine.

- "Well, it's very refreshing to be with a group who trusts and works so well together,"- she added- "I had never felt less judged and more welcome in my entire life."

I know I should have felt sorry for her. But I honestly couldn't. That was the day I realized I wasn't the good person I thought I was. There was a part of me that was a scumbag. I'm guessing knowing that is pretty helpful and positive 'cos you can work on your flaws. But I wasn't planning on working on anything at that minute, though. I just wanted to break Seaver's face.

Spencer's point of view

I didn't like working without JJ. I've never been good with change, and that was a massive alteration of our routine. I missed her, and adding Ashley to the team made things even weirder for me, even for a case. I didn't want to be judgemental, but her father was a serial killer. Of course, that would make things weird.

Besides, everybody kept bugging me, teasing me, trying to see if I liked Seaver. Penelope called while we were on the case and started taunting me, saying she knew I thought Ashley was cute. I could see she was beautiful, but I couldn't see her that way. And I didn't want anyone to say those kinds of things around (Y/N).

Why did I care so much?

I didn't want to face it 'cos I knew it was completely platonic, but I didn't want (Y/N) to think I had a crush on Seaver. I knew my best friend didn't have romantic feelings for me, and I also knew I wasn't going to make a move on her or anything. But I didn't want things to change more than they already had. And most of all, I didn't want anything to alter my dynamic with (Y/N).

But at the same time, somehow, it felt everything was already different between us.

- "Hey, honey bunny,"- (Y/N) walked to me and handed me a cup of coffee- "I thought you might need one of these."

- "You are a lifesaver,"- I whispered and sipped the cup. It was perfect.

We were on the jet on our way back home. The whole team was mostly quiet. The mood was weird. Ashley had done something quite reckless earlier and nearly got herself killed. She walked to the unsub's house all alone, not knowing he was our guy. She almost died, and none of us can even imagine what went through her head to do such a thing.

Rossi and Hotch walked to her. (Y/N) looked at me, and I could read on her face that both of us knew what was going to happen.

Ashley was alone when David sat in front of her, and Hotch stood in the middle of the aisle. Maybe that had been insensitive of us. Neither of us tried to contain her. Neither of us really knew her that well. Or at all, as a matter of fact.

- "You were not supposed to go off on your own."- Hotch went straight to the point.

- "I know,"- she whispered, and I could see how (Y/N)'s face changed. I tried to read her, but all I was able to see was... anger? I had to be wronged. She had no reason to be mad at Ashley.

- "You could have been killed,"- Hotch crossed his arms on his chest and stared at her.

- "I know that, too."

- "Why, Ashley? You're smarter than that"- Rossi sounded like a worried father. I didn't look at him 'cos I kept my eyes on (Y/N)'s, still trying to read her emotions. But what I saw made no sense. She really looked like she was angry at Ashley. Like she hated her.

- "I never got to apologize to any of the victims. The families of the women my father killed. I thought if I could just apologize to one family that had been hurt that way..."

And that was when (Y/N) snapped. She jumped from her seat and walked to Seaver. Aaron and David looked at her surprised, and Morgan turned to me, taking off his headphones. Neither he nor Prentiss got what was happening until that moment.

- "Ok. Shoot!"- (Y/N) sat right in front of Seaver, next to David, and looked at her. But she didn't get it.

- "What? What are you talking about?"

- "You just said you wanted to apologize to one of the families. So go ahead. Try."

The silence on the jet was so deep and awkward it felt no one was ever going to talk again.

- "I'm sorry, (Y/N). But I don't get what you are implying,"- Ashley's voice was a whisper. I knew she was sad and affected, embarrassed even. But I also knew (Y/N), and I could read it on her face. She wasn't joking.

- "You said you wanted to apologize to the family of one of your dad's victims, so go ahead. Apologize to me."

My first instinct was to stand up, which I did. But I froze and didn't take a step closer to (Y/N) when I noticed the severe and cold look in her eyes. I didn't know what she was talking about. But I knew she wasn't bluffing.

- "Why should I... apologize to you?"- Ashley asked her, and her voice broke at a certain point, probably scared of the answer.

- "Your dad killed my mother's older sister. She was in college,"- (Y/N) spit each word with hate and looked at Ashley, waiting for her reply. But Seaver didn't know what to do. She widened her eyes and stayed still. She barely kept her breathing steady.

- "(Y/N), maybe we should let Seaver rest,"- Hotch landed a hand on her shoulder, but my friend shook her head.

- "No, Hotch. By making that choice, she put everyone at risk,"- (Y/N) didn't take her eyes from Ashley as she spoke- "As far as I remember when you are at the academy, they teach you that in the field, we are responsible to and for your team."

- "(Y/N)... I had no idea..."- Ashley tried to apologize, I could see it, but it was clear she wasn't going to win that argument- "I am so sorry."

- "I don't know, Seaver. Did you think saying "sorry" would make those families feel better? 'Cos it ain't working here. "Sorry" won't make my mom stop feeling guilty about what happened. And, if things had gotten ugly back there, "sorry" wouldn't have made your mistake go away in case anyone would have gotten hurt. So no. Sorry doesn't help. Maybe it can ease your conscience, but when you really fuck it up, it never makes things better."

(Y/N) stood up and walked back to her seat in front of me. I let her pass and didn't say a word. I knew she wouldn't want to talk about it there. And, of course, Seaver didn't say a word. She just stood up and walked to the back of the jet, to the bathroom. Rossi and Hotch looked at each other and then looked at me.

David poured a glass of whiskey and walked to (Y/N) slowly. He didn't say a word, he just handed it to her, and she just took it and sipped it with shaky hands.

- "Thanks,"- she whispered, and Rossi nodded. Hotch raised an eyebrow, and for a moment, I thought he was going to say something, but he didn't. He just walked to his seat and opened a case file.

I moved back to my seat and opened my satchel. I had run out of candies earlier that day, so I didn't have much to give to her that could make her smile. So I picked a book and handed it to her. She took it and smiled at me kindly. I knew she was fighting back the tears, and I am sure she has held back all the emotions than being with the daughter of the man who killed her aunt since she knew who Seaver was. And she managed to do the job well. I was proud of her.

- "Wanna grab something to eat when we reach DC?"- I whispered, but for the first time ever, she shook her head.

- "I'm gonna have to catch a rain check for that dinner. I think I wanna go straight to my bed today, honey."- she sipped her glass again, and I nodded.

- "Don't worry, next time."

I was waiting for the train to go back home later that night when I saw Seaver sitting at a bench at the station, staring at her hands on her lap. I didn't see her leaving the BAU, though to be honest, I was really focused on finishing my paperwork to go home. (Y/N) had left as soon as we reached DC, but I had stayed a little longer.

I hesitated for a few seconds before I took a few steps closer and waved at Seaver. She looked at me surprised, as soon as she saw me, but didn't move. I smiled, trying to look friendly, and sat next to her.

- "Hi. What are you doing here?"- I asked her, and she shrugged.

- "I was going to go home, but I think I sat here half an hour ago and haven't been able to move,"- I turned to her and shook my head.

- "Do you want to eat something?"- after what had happened at the jet, I figured Ashley wasn't feeling so good, and maybe talking with someone could help her. She looked at me and blushed; I don't know why. But at least, she smiled and nodded.

- "Great, pizza?"

- "Pizza sounds good."

We were waiting for our food and making small talk. I kept giving Ashley pizza facts to fill the silence 'cos it was weird hanging out with Ashley. I didn't know her, really. We had worked a case together, but that didn't mean I knew her. And, of course, we had the whole jet incident. I felt a little guilty about what had happened, though it wasn't my fault at all in retrospect. I just felt like it was my job cheering her up a little bit after everything she had gone through.

- "How do you do it?"- she asked me all of a sudden- "How do you deal with the pressure of this job?"

- "You get used to it, I guess. I don't know if it's a good thing to get used to, but... it comes with the job, I think,"- I didn't know if I was doing ok comforting her. Then again, I have never been particularly good at it. Not then, not now.

- "Did you always dream about doing this?"- she asked me, and her eyes locked into mine in a way that made me feel slightly uncomfortable.

- "Y... yes. Ever since I was a kid, catching the bad guys,"- Seaver nodded and sipped her coke- "You? Why did you get into the academy?"

I regretted my question right after I asked, just 'cos I realized she might have done it to understand her father's behavior. It was only apparent that had shaped her actions.

- "I guess you know that..."- Ashley answered and smiled, her eyes looking straight into mine. I know I blushed. She is a beautiful woman, though I wasn't thinking about her that way. It was an odd feeling being observed that way.

I was glad our pizza made it to the table, and we were forced to stop talking, and I could focus on anything else but her. Not that I didn't want to look at her, but... I think the right way to explain it is to call it "uneasy." That's how I felt. I wanted to be friendly with her, she had a horrible experience consulting with the team, and I was sure she wasn't really having a good day.

- "This might sound weird, but... do you think I can call you sometime?"- Ashley asked after a few minutes. We were eating and talking about nothing important. I nearly chook at her words and looked at her, nodding.

- "Sure, why?"- I didn't mean to be rude. I just didn't know why she might need to talk to me again.

- "I just think maybe you could help me with a few assignments at the academy."

- "Yeah, of course."

Ashley Seaver smiled and nodded at me, pleased. She took a sip of Sprite, and I could read her, trying to find the words to continue speaking.

- "I'm glad. I was sure you were going to say no."

- "Why?"- I furrowed my brows, confused- "I'm not a big fan of phones, but I can handle a casual phone call."

- "No, I just didn't think your girlfriend would like... I mean, I think (Y/N) hates me, and as her boyfriend, I thought you... would... I don't know."

- "I'm, we are... we,"- I was completely flustered as I tried to rearrange my thoughts. Seaver looked at me innocently and waited for my words.

- "(Y/N) isn't my girlfriend"- it bothered me to admit that simple fact. Why? 'Cos it hurt to think we looked like a couple, but we weren't. Why did Seaver think we were together?

- "Really? But..."

- "She is my best friend,"- I explained poorly. She nodded and hesitated before saying what she was thinking. It was obvious she was trying to arrange the words in her head.

- "It's just that you two... sorry, I'm overstepping,"- Ashley blushed and shook her head- "She is... strong."

- "Yes, very."

- "I think I started with the wrong foot with her."

- "Well, I don't mean to justify anything, but if your father hurt,"- I made a pause, trying to find a way to say it that wasn't so painful.

- "Killed. My father killed her aunt,"- she corrected me with a cold and monotonous tone of voice. I just nodded and sipped my water.

- "She is an amazing person,"- I don't know if I was trying to excuse (Y/N)'s earlier behavior or if I just loved her so much I needed to tell people how awesome she was.

- "I'm sure you will pass this,"- I assured her- "Once you get to know her, and she gets to know you."

- "I don't think she will give me that chance. Besides, I was just clear to assist with only one case."

- "If you want to stay, you can request your remedial training be here. And if Hotch approves it, I could talk to (Y/N). I'm sure she will like to know you better."

Why did I say all that? I had no idea.

- "Thank you, Spence. You are really sweet,"- Ashley moved closer and held my hand. I stayed very still, absolutely awkward.

- "Yeah, I don't... like... holding hands,"- I quickly moved it away and tried to smile at her. She stayed still, not understanding my reaction but trying to act normal.

- "Sorry."

- "That's ok. I'm a germaphobe, that's all."

After pizza, we left the place and said goodnight. I told Ashley I was weary (which was, in fact, the truth) and got her a cab to take her home. After that, I walked to my place. I felt like I needed to be alone for a while. My head was overwhelmed, and in the latest couple of weeks, I had severe trouble sleeping.

I had migraines that nearly blinded me. I was scared they meant I could develop the first signs of schizophrenia, like mom, 'cos they were coming more and more often. It wasn't that bad yet, the light didn't hurt my eyes, and I didn't have any sign of hallucination, but still, I knew it could be serious.

I tried to think of a reason why I might be having those severe headaches. I was eating correctly, mostly 'cos (Y/N) forced me to eat. No, she didn't force me, but she made sure I had all my meals at work, not just coffee. And usually, at the weekends, we would spend our time together, and she was a fantastic cook. So it wasn't an alimentary issue.

I wasn't sleeping well. That wasn't new, but it was getting serious. I wrote and read a lot at night 'cos I couldn't fall asleep until late. I didn't know why. I just couldn't rest. My body ached, and my brain wouldn't sleep. The only nights I could actually get some rest were the ones when (Y/N) stayed with me. It was a blessing when Hotch paired us to share rooms, 'cos I could easily fall asleep when she was around. Her presence soothed me in a way that I didn't understand. Let me put it this way, I know it might sound cheesy, but the beating of her heart set the rhythm for my own, and at night it would bring me peace.

I reached home that night and sighed. I knew I wasn't going to rest easy. (Y/N) wasn't there with me. So I made myself a cup of herbal tea, (Y/N) had a lot of those in my house, and I drank them when I missed her. The smell coming from the cup made me feel like she was close.

How pathetic I had become! But I could only share those thoughts with myself. No one knew I had feelings for her, and I was going to deny it till the end, no matter what had JJ said. I couldn't take that phone call from my mind, and on those sleepless nights, I kept overthinking and overanalyzing everything.

I got into bed with a few books and my cup of herbal tea. I took a look at my cell phone, two new messages.

- "I miss u"

(Y/N) sent, and a warm feeling spread on my chest as I imagined her whispering those words as I read them

- "Breakfast tomorrow before work?"

- "See you at seven-thirty."

I typed and sent it.

What could ever happen if I told her how much in love I am with her? I would lose her, and I'd be alone. She didn't feel that way for me. It was a fact. I was just glad she was my best friend, and I could share everything with her. Was I pathetic? Yes, very, but in a way, it felt it was just all I deserved. Not more, not less. Just being in love with a girl who didn't love me back.

At least she wasn't dating Paul anymore. I hated that guy.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Spencer was waiting for me outside our usual coffee shop, already holding two cups of coffee. His short hair looked dreamy as she smiled and took off his sunglasses. It had to be illegal being that hot. But, seriously, how didn't he get laid? He was fucking dreamy. In the four years we had been best friends, I saw Spencer in many hairstyles, and each of them made him look like a model.

Falling in love with Spencer Reid had been a process I hadn't actually been fully aware of. But I was completely conscious I needed to hide those feelings from him and from everybody at the BAU.

Ok, fine, I had somehow faced part of those feelings in front of my drunk best buddies at Penelope's house, but I never actually confirmed anything. I had just... shared some of my frustrations, I guess.

- "Good morning, honey bunny,"- I smiled and sighed as I stood in front of Spencer, watching him grin back at me and hand me one of the coffee cups.

- "Good morning, chipmunk. Did you get some rest?"

- "Yes, I fell asleep as soon as I reached my bed. I was exhausted."

- "I'm glad you are fully rested."

- "What did you do yesterday?"

- "Nothing,"- he answered quickly and turned around- "I got you a carrot muffin to go."

- "Thank you so much. I'm starving. I didn't even have dinner yesterday."

- "Really?"

- "I told you, I reached home and crawled into my bed."

We walked outside the coffee shop in silence. Spencer bit his donuts, and I ate my muffin. It was nice and calming being with him doing domestic things in life.

I hated how much in love I was with him 'cos I knew I had to shake that feeling away. He was never going to have feelings for me. I was a regular human being, and Spencer Walter Reid was a genius. He deserved better, he was actually never to think about me that way, and I refused to ruin our friendship with those feelings.

- "So, Comic-con is coming. What are we doing this year?"- I asked as I drove us to Quantico.

- "I was thinking we should do something classic,"- he looked at me, nearly beaming on his seat- "We haven't done Star Wars yet."

- "Really?"- I frowned, confused- "All these years? Are you sure?"

- "(Y/N), eidetic memory,"- he argued, and I chuckled- "So, how do you feel about Leia?"

- "Do I have to be Leia 'cos I'm a girl?"- I asked him, and he flustered right away.

- "What? No, you can be whoever you want to be. I was just, it came to my mind... I didn't,"- I giggled and looked at him for a second.

- "I'm messing with you, Batsy. I always wanted to dress as Leia. Surprisingly, I never had. Padme once, it was a mess, but never Leia. Who are you planning to be?"

- "Maybe Luke... or Obi-Wan. Morgan suggested C3PO once."

- "If I'm Leia, you should be Han,"- I don't know why I said that out loud. I thought about it, I pictured it in my head, but I knew I shouldn't have said it. Then why did those words leave my mouth? I don't know.

- "Han Solo... yes... yeah, sure. Of course! We can pick our outfits this weekend."

- "Great! What do you think would look better? Slave Leia or classic all in white Leia?"- Spencer didn't answer. He just sipped his coffee and looked outside the window.

- "You would look good in both,"- his cellphone interrupted our conversations, and I thought it might be a case. But I was so wrong, it hurt.

- "Hello? Oh, hi, Ashley,"- I nearly hit the break as soon as I heard him saying her name, but instead, I turned around and looked at him.

- "Good, yes. On my way to work with (Y/N). Oh, that's good."

I didn't care what she was saying. I just needed to know why that bitch was calling him. I was blind in jealousy, and I was having a hard time hiding it.

- "Really? Emily? That's... that's great. Sure, we'll see you around, gotta go. Bye."

- "What the fuck?"- I swear, I didn't think what I was saying. Those words just slip through my lips straight from my guts. I hated Seaver.

- "That was Ashley."

- "Figured when you said "Hi Ashley." What? Are you best friends with her now?"

- "What? No! No way! She just wanted to say hi... and... She.... asked for my number 'cos she wanted to help her with some of the academy's projects,"- Spencer was so nervous he actually stuttered as he answered my simple question.

- "Of course, she did,"- my voice was bitter and hurt, but most of all, ironic. And I don't know if Spencer didn't want to understand me or actually didn't get the hint, but he just continued talking.

- "She wanted to tell me she requested her remedial training be at the BAU."

- "What?!"- that wasn't subtle. I actually yelled- "I'm gonna have to see her again?"

- "If Hotch approves..."

- "Fuck!! That's awful!!"- I hit the wheel, frustrated.

- "She's not a bad person, (Y/N). Her dad was a murderer, but that doesn't mean..."- I turned to look at Spencer for a second, and he just shut up- "Sorry."

- "I don't like her, Spencer."

- "Yes, I know."

- "Her dad killed my aunt!!"

- "I know..."

- "And on top of that, that bitch is..."

I had to bite my lips and focus on the road, actually holding my breath for a few seconds, just not to open my mouth and ruin it all.

The main reason why I hated Ashley Seaver wasn't just because of what her father had done. That itself was enough to keep her away. But on top of that, she was flirting with Spencer. She wasn't even subtle about it; she was nearly all over him. I saw her! She wanted him, and he had no idea! He was blind to her attention. Unless he liked it. Did he? Shit, I hoped not.

- "She what?"- Spencer whispered, scared of my reaction.

- "She plays the pity card the whole time. Bad things happen to all of us. You don't have to make it who you are, she does, and she expects sympathy."

I grabbed my muffin and took a big bite of it. Spencer sighed and stayed quiet for a moment, giving me space to decompress, I think.

- "Did you know the origins of carrot cake are disputed by many countries?"- I looked at Spencer, and he nodded- "Many food historians believe carrot cake originated from the English recipe of carrot puddings, eaten by Europeans in the Middle Ages when sugar and sweeteners were expensive, and many people used carrots as a substitute for sugar."

- "My mom would fight all those historians and convince them she invented it. Her carrot cake is the best."

- "And I would agree, the cake she baked for your last birthday was amazing."- I nodded and heard him chuckle as I kept my eyes on the road. I wanted to focus on the memories of my last birthday and how fun it was, but something was bugging me.

- "And why did she call you to tell you what she wanted to do?"- I parked the car outside the BAU and turned to Spencer. He opened his mouth, but no word came from it. So I asked him again.

- "Honey, why did Seaver call you to announce she would take the remedial training at the BAU?"

- "It... might... had been my idea,"- he whispered and held his satchel tight against his body. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe it.

- "Why on earth did you do that, Spencer?!"- I shouted as I got out of the car, grabbed my purse, my clean go bag in case we had a case, and started walking towards the building.

- "It wasn't like a suggestion. She just..."

- "I can't believe it!!"

- "It doesn't have to be that bad! It's just for a few weeks..."

- "Hopefully, Hotch won't accept."

- "(Y/N), come on,"- Spencer held my hand and stopped me- "This is not like you. Yeah, you don't like her, but you are making it a big deal, and it's not."

- "I'm starting to think you are crushed on her,"- I didn't want to say those words. They just slipped.

- "What!? Why? No!! I'm not!"- the high pitch on Spencer's voice was a clear sign of how uncomfortable he was with the conversation.

- "Then why are you defending her?"

- "I am not! I'm just saying maybe you are acting a little bit... irrational about this whole thing. She hasn't done anything bad."

- "Other than jeopardizing the whole case yesterday?"

- "Right, other than that..."

I felt Spencer's hand in mine, and I swear, I couldn't stop thinking about how it felt. It kept sending shivers all over my body. His thumb rubbed small circles on my skin, probably trying to calm me down, and it worked. I followed it with my eyes for a second as I took a few deep breaths and nodded.

- "Ok, I won't make a big deal if she stays."

- "Thank you."

- "Just... don't ask me to be her friend."

- "You don't have to be her friend."

Spencer stood in front of me and smiled. I swear all I could think of was kissing him. And a part of me felt it was getting harder and harder to resist. He put on his sunglasses and kept his hand in mine for a moment until Penelope's voice took us from our little bubble.

- "Good morning, my wonder babies!! Ready to fight crime?"

I actually didn't know what I was getting into.

Hotch had taken the day off. We were around the one-year anniversary of Haley's death, and according to what Rossi explained to us, Jack wasn't feeling so good. It was said it would be just a day or two, but I had the feeling it might be a couple of weeks. Hotch would always put himself second, but he would do whatever it took to keep him safe when it came to his son.

Morgan had been asked to take a trip to Petersburg Federal Correctional Complex to do a risk assessment on a case, so Spencer, Prentiss, and I were in the bullpen. Garcia was in her office, and Rossi was in a meeting with Strauss. I'd say it was a very calm morning, catching up with all the pending paperwork we had. Spencer had just gotten me a cup of coffee when I heard Seaver's cheerful voice.

- "Hi guys!"- she walked in with a big smile and waved- "How are you?"

Spencer looked at me as we all said our hellos. I could almost read "Please, be nice" written all over his face, and for a moment, I was willing to do as told. I didn't want him to suspect why I was so annoyed by her after all.

- "I talked to Hotch"- Emily smiled at Seaver and moved a chair for her- He signed off your remedial training, and I'll be your training agent. I'll supervise your work. I already told Rossi too, so it's official.

Ashley jumped from her chair and hugged Emily. I rolled my eyes and stared at the file on my desk. I really wasn't ready to deal with her. I wasn't prepared to deal with someone trying to steal Spencer from me.

Ok, Spencer wasn't mine to keep, but we had been inseparable for four years, and I didn't want to lose that. I didn't want to lose him.

I had never been ready to deal with Spencer dating other girls. The few times girls had hit on him had been awful. Once, Morgan took him to a club when we were on a case, 'cos the unsub was picking his victims there, and he taught him how to pick up girls. The bartender ended up giving him her number 'cos my dorky best friend was charming. Derek still remembered that moment from time to time, quoting it as "The day he turned Spencer into a man."

I loved Derek, but fuck, I hated him sometimes.

- "Welcome to the team,"- Spencer waved at Seaver from his desk and turned to me, raising an eyebrow.

- "Yeah, welcome,"- I added and cut her a short smile.

- "I'm thrilled to join you guys for a few weeks. I always dreamt of being here. I'm ready for making it up after the last case."

- "Don't be so hard on yourself,"- Prentiss interrupted her and smiled friendly- "You remained calm under pressure, and the case was solved. That's all that matters."

I had to control myself not to snort after Emily's words. Instead, I kept my eyes locked on my desk like I had done before. I was so focused on it that I could have actually developed telekinesis skills and moved the freaking file with my eyes.

- "I just wanted to say thank you to all of you,"- Seaver's voice was soft, in a mix of fear, excitement, and... something else I couldn't read.

- "Especially you, Spencer. I really enjoyed our talk last night, and I have the feeling I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Thank you for the pizza. I owe you dinner."

- "Don't, it was nothing,"- Spencer flustered and stood up quickly, grabbing his pile of files and walking away, arguing he needed to ask Garcia something.

I did my best not to move a muscle. I didn't want Seaver to know how much I hated the fact she had shared what seemed to be a lovely evening with Spencer. One he didn't actually mention when we talked about what we had done the previous evening. Why did he decide to keep me in the dark? I couldn't understand that. Maybe he just didn't want me to know he actually had feelings for Seaver. Maybe he had asked her out, and because he knew I hated her (though he really didn't know why), he decided not to tell me what was going on.

I had been wasting all that time in love with Spencer. I knew I would never act on those feelings, and clearly, he didn't have feelings for me. So... maybe it was time to let him go.

How could I let Spencer Reid go when I never actually had him?

–

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @muffin-cup @shilohpug @eternalharry @tvandfanfic @fandomtrash2405

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @babebenhardy @meowiemari @archer561

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: June 16th, 2021

#spencer reid #Criminal minds #matthew gray gubler #diwk #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x you #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds re write

[mellometal]

I know I said I don't associate myself with the Panic! fandom anymore, but this is something I have been ACHING to talk about. This is some bad timing, since it was Brent Wilson's birthday recently (yes, his birthday is July 20th, NOT August 20th; source: I've been following him on Twitter for five years and he's actually said this), but this is going to be about Brent and the whole situation with him.

Warning: What I'm about to say about the situation with Brent Wilson (original bassist) is heavily biased, since I do stan him. YEAH. I STAN BRENT MATTHEW WILSON, THE ORIGINAL BASSIST OF PANIC! AT THE DISCO. CRY ABOUT IT. STAY MAD. He's one of the ONLY members of Panic! At The Disco (past and present) who I give a fuck about, besides Ryan Ross, Spencer Smith, and Ian Crawford.

Trigger warning: This will be talking about arrest, jail, drugs (doing and selling), weapons (guns), childbirth, parenthood, and some other things. If these things are triggering for you or make you uncomfortable in any way, you do not have to read this post. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

Disclaimer: I don't know Brent in real life, I'm not in his circle of friends or people he's closest to (like his wife Taylor, his parents, his brother Blake, his in-laws, his irl friends, coworkers, etc.), and this is not me acting like I do. I don't know what his life is like outside of Twitter. The only contact I've ever had with him has been on Twitter, but it was pretty limited.

My thoughts on this situation are MY opinion, any possibilities in my thoughts are just theories and not proven to be true, and I'm not trying to excuse whatever he was allegedly charged with.

Just for the record, I am willing to have a civil conversation with anyone who hates Brent. The minute you attack me or anyone else who likes Brent, or a whole bunch of you start circle jerking about how much you hate him, you're getting blocked. If all you're going to bring up is the shit Brent did when he was in his late teens instead of adding anything useful to the discussion, you're getting blocked too. I already know about that. It happened back in 2004-2006. They were all still kids, to a point. Brent has changed quite a bit since then. The whole "Hate on Brent Wilson" bandwagon is stupid, toxic, and I refuse to jump on it. I've never jumped on it when I was in the Panic! fandom, so why would I do it now?

Remember, without Brent bringing Br3nd0n Ur!3 into Panic!, your precious Br3nd0n wouldn't be successful today. JUST SO YA KNOW. (I'm very salty right now, if you can't already tell.)

If you would like to know about what happened with Brent, a few months ago, he was arrested on (alleged) drug charges and illegal possession of a weapon, along with a traffic violation and something to do with a probation violation too. He was set to go to court back in March for his sentencing, but that's the most recent information I've found. I don't know what the fuck is going on at this point. I don't know if he's been sentenced, if he's doing anything alternative like rehabilitation, nothing. (The reason why I said they're alleged charges is because I don't know if he's even been to court for sentencing or anything like that.)

People's reactions were mixed. Some actually LAUGHED and made a whole bunch of jokes about him being arrested (that's fucking insensitive and cruel). Some felt bad for Brent because he just became a dad (yes, he's a dad, but I'm not posting any pictures of the kid out of respect for Brent and Taylor). Some were shocked. Some weren't surprised (how and why????).

My reaction? It was pretty mixed. I was shocked. I thought I was having a fever dream and what I was seeing was fake at first. When I realized it wasn't fake, I was crushed. I felt absolutely horrible for Brent, Taylor, their kid, and all their loved ones. Like, I care about the guy a lot. Obviously.

Ironically, the band members and/or group members I stan are either the black sheep or they're just not as popular. Or they're the fucking scapegoat almost EVERYONE attacks for the stupidest shit. Brent's the black sheep as well as the scapegoat of Panic!, for example....and I would say that Ian is another black sheep too. Not for any negative reasons. He's simply not as popular, due to the fact he was only in Panic! during the Vices era for a short time. He's underrated as FUCK. I'm one of the black sheep in a lot of places [except for friend groups], even in my own family, so it explains why I stan Brent still.

I just want to say that selling drugs and doing drugs aren't inherently bad things to do. This doesn't mean that I'm for kids doing drugs and selling them. Absolutely not. I want people who do drugs or sell drugs to be treated like human beings. I also want them to be able to seek help easier without the judgment or being treated like a criminal. Personally, I don't do any of that, but I understand why someone would. (This kind of thing hits home for me.)

As far as the whole weapon thing is concerned (it was a gun), I personally don't like them and we need better gun control in the United States. I don't think I'd trust anyone who owns a gun because of the possibility that they would hurt me or worse in an argument or something. I've seen my abuser threaten to pull a gun out on my dad when I was a kid. Thankfully it wasn't loaded, but still. It was scary. I wouldn't own a gun because I'm autistic, mentally ill, and I'm afraid of what I might do in certain situations. If someone wants to own a gun for protection, hunting, target practice, or to collect them, fine. BUT YOU DON'T NEED A HUGE ASS GUN THAT THE MILITARY USES TO GO HUNTING OR FOR TARGET PRACTICE. I don't like them, I don't want one, I don't trust myself with one, guns scare me, and I want better gun control in the United States. It terrifies me that people openly carry. I understand that's the Second Amendment and all, but it doesn't change the fact that it terrifies me. As long as you're responsible with that kind of thing, I don't really care.

I don't know what Brent's reason was for (allegedly) owning a weapon (maybe for protection or something?), but it's none of my business.

In my opinion, this is all stupid shit. There are people who have done horrible things and they're STILL free people, but oh, god forbid you do or sell drugs! THAT'S bad. /s

Here's my response below. I'll type out everything, except for the disclaimers and what he was arrested for. I will start from the fifth paragraph on the first screenshot and continue from there. This is so anyone who has a hard time reading any of the screenshots can read them easier.

(My response was from around the time it was announced that he was arrested. Just so you know.)

First screenshot, fifth paragraph:

First off, I just want to say that this situation is a fucked up one for anyone to be in. I would never wish this on anyone. Especially because now, there's a baby involved, so this makes the situation worse. This is pretty difficult for me to put into words without coming off as bitchy or anything like that, so if I get bitchy here, I apologize.

Second screenshot, fifth paragraph:

I don't know what caused this mess to begin with, but I do know that Brent and his wife Taylor just had a baby a couple months ago (when I was typing this out initially). While it's a good thing for them, it can be assumed that this is also a very stressful time for them.

Combination of third and fourth screenshots (These are pretty much only theories; not facts, and they will be broken up into paragraphs): 

The pandemic most likely isn’t helping their case. Las Vegas is a HUGE city and I’m sure A LOT of people there are REALLY struggling right now in all aspects. Maybe Brent and Taylor are struggling to pay off hospital bills or whatever (to put this into perspective, the average cost for hospital childbirth in Nevada is around $21,239, according to CBS News). The average salary for an accountant in Nevada is anywhere from $34k to $150k, and that all depends on education, experience (how long you’ve been in said career), certifications, and any additional skills. Take into account any other necessities they have to pay for, like their mortgage, bills, insurance, etc. 

Let’s say that they did manage to pay everything else off, but they’re struggling to pay the hospital bills from when they had their baby. (Having a baby is fucking expensive in the United States, regardless of whether there are complications or not, and regardless of whether you have insurance or not.) Let’s say they’ve tried every single option out there, but nothing seems to give still. Maybe the drug selling was a last resort on Brent’s part. (As I’ve said, I don’t know the full story.)

The whole subject of drug paraphernalia hits home for me. My parents both did drugs when I was a kid. I’ve seen it a lot growing up. My dad was, in the past, in and out of jail for drugs and other things that aren’t relevant here. I’m not sure if my mom was in and out of jail for the same shit, but I know for a fact my dad was. Y’know, because he told me. ANYWAYS. 

I get it. You gotta do what you gotta do. It’s not something I’d do personally, but I understand why somebody would do it. I wouldn’t treat them any differently. Maybe they’re selling drugs or whatever to keep themselves from losing their homes, put food on the table for their families, help pay their bills, pay for their education, whatever. It could be a number of things.

Fifth screenshot (people’s reactions to the news and my thoughts on them):

Now...let’s move on to how people are reacting to the news. There’s a lot of mixed reactions. A lot of people feel bad for Brent, especially since he and Taylor just had a baby a couple months ago (as I was typing this). Some people “aren’t surprised” because they were never fans of him in the first place. Others think this is amusing. I’ve seen some people who are solely involved in celebrity news (similar to TMZ) making jokes about the situation, which to me, is appalling.

Let me tell you something. It doesn’t matter if you’re a fan of Brent or not. This shit isn’t funny or cute in the slightest. It sure isn’t funny or cute to anyone who is being affected by the situation, which includes Brent himself, Taylor, their son, and all their loved ones. Like, full stop. Have some decency. Y’all are fucking gross. You can dislike Brent all you want, but he’s a real human being who fucked up. Personally, when I first heard the news, I couldn’t believe it at first. I thought I was having a fever dream. That is, until I looked it up and actually found that it was true. I was CRUSHED. Why? Because Brent is one of the last people I’d even expect to get into this whole mess. 

Sixth screenshot (my thoughts):

If I’m being honest here...like, BRUTALLY honest, Brent needs to be put in REHAB, not jail. For anyone who has been here (on my Instagram) from when I used to dedicate this account to vintage Panic!, you know how I’ve never said anything but kind things about Brent. From the few times I’ve interacted with him a little bit on Twitter and from how I’ve seen him interact with others on the site, Brent is one of the sweetest people ever. I’m being genuine here. He’s a good guy who fucked up and did some dumb shit. Does that make him bad? No. Then again, as far as I’ve read about the current situation at hand, it’s too early to really determine anything. None of us know what caused him to have drug paraphernalia or anything else that he was arrested for in the first place.

Seventh screenshot (wrap-up):

I’m gonna wrap this up here. My heart aches for Brent, Taylor, their son, and all their loved ones. I hope that everything gets straightened out, all sides of the story come out, and that Brent can get his shit together again. Like he had been doing since he was kicked out of Panic!. I wish everyone involved nothing but the absolute best right now, given how fucked up the whole situation is. (Just to clear up any confusion, when I was referring to Taylor, I’m NOT referring to Taylor Swift or any other celebrity with the name Taylor. I’m referring to Brent’s wife.) 

If you’ve read this far, thank you! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I’ll try to answer as best as I can.

Have my thoughts on the situation changed since February - March of this year? No.

I think that Brent needs some kind of help. That's why I mentioned rehab. It's obvious to me that's the kind of help he needs. I don't believe jail is helpful in certain circumstances (like drug charges, traffic violations, and other nonviolent crimes)....at least in the United States. They treat people who do drugs and/or sell drugs like they're subhuman. Yet there are people who have committed violent, deplorable, horrific crimes, and they're still free people. Funny how that works. I'm not too educated about how the jail system works in other countries, so I can't exactly tell you how I feel about that system on an international standpoint.

Brent should be with his wife and child. I hope the guy gets his shit together again. I believe Brent WILL get his shit together. Genuinely. I would never wish anything bad on him.

I don't crucify Brent like a lot of people in the Panic! fandom do. The only reason I would hypothetically do so is if Brent actually committed violent, deplorable, horrific crimes (i.e., chomo bullshit, trafficking...like, extreme shit) that would warrant him being locked up and I'd drop him completely at that point. OBVIOUSLY I DON'T SEE HIM DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT. EVER. THAT'S JUST HYPOTHETICAL.

Anyways....have a good day, y'all.

#mello speaks #brent wilson #panic! at the disco #tw drugs #tw possession of a weapon #tw weapon mention #brent matthew wilson #holy shit I'm talking about PANIC! despite not associating with the fandom anymore? wow! #cw arrest #i really hope they're okay though #this situation is a fucked up one for anyone to be in

[curiousconch]

Two Old Friends

Chapter 3 of Ricochet (An Open Heart AU).

Catch up here: Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Chapter Synopsis: As Bryce takes Heather in, a facade that he has blocked out for several months begins to disintegrate.

Pairing: Rafael Aveiro x MC (Dr. Heather Song) | Bryce Lahela x MC (Dr. Heather Song)

Words: 2.3k+ | Genre: Crime, Mystery, Thriller, Romance

Rating/Warnings: None for this chapter, it's pure fluff! (Yay!)

Author’s Notes: Majority of the characters are owned by Pixelberry, except the main character Heather Song. I was listening to Maybe this Time on repeat when I wrote this chapter, I think that song encapsulates it perfectly.

8 months ago

Bryce Lahela was stoked to have been assigned the Ed Farrugia case. He dreamt up of an opportunity like this ever since he graduated top of class from Stanford Law School. It wasn't out of self-ambition, it was part of his grand plan - to go opposite the direction of his white-collar criminal parents.

At first, Bryce's parents was overjoyed when he told them he's pursuing a law degree. It never occurred to them that it was all part of his scheme.

He soldiered on through law school, bagging an internship in the San Francisco DA. When his efforts to build his network provided an opportunity in Boston, he didn't hesitate to pack up his bags and fly across the country, farther away from Hawaii than ever. It was a big risk, but it eventually paid off given how his career imploded once he got the job.

But perhaps the most memorable experience was when he told his parents that he was to become Boston's newest ADA. They were nothing but furious, there were no counting the amount of expletives he heard that day.

No turning back, mom and dad.

The timing to tell them couldn't be more perfect, because it was only a week after they turned over his trust fund, a "graduation gift". He knew it was just a bribe for him to do the dirty legal work to keep them away from prison for free.

After toiling for so many years, he was more than ready to abandon his past behind and start his life over. More than it was revenge, it was Bryce's sweet and merciful justice. No more crosses behind his back, marking him as his parents' criminal son.

That wasn't his reality anymore. So he focused on work and did his best to shine. And shine he did. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he was no longer a criminal. In an ironic twist of fate, he was the one putting people behind bars. And he relished in every win.

However, being the Chief DA's golden boy wasn't providing him the opportunity to build new friendships. Although he tried to make friends with his colleagues, he began to be seen as a threat. So for the first year in the big city, he spent his free time partying hard. With his quick rise to fame, everyone wanted a taste of the majestic Bryce Lahela. He didn't hesitate to throw himself into the throng.

And in that fateful sunny morning, he felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. He built the foundations of the State versus Perry case over the weekend, not even taking a single drop of alcohol. With the help of Agent Aveiro, he collected mountains of evidence for his breakthrough day at court. He knew his case was airtight. Today, he plans to put the cherry on top.

Pulling off his sunglasses and tightening his slick striped blue tie, he grabbed his suitcase from the passenger seat and got out of his car.

He strode into Edenbrook Hospital with confidence, getting glances from several attendings and nurses as he walked the hallways. He smirked at each of them back, wondering which one he should make of a mission after he wraps up this case. God, these doctors are hot, he thought, as he slid into one of the elevators. He punched 7, and the button lighted up.

Once he arrived at the right floor, he followed the directions pasted on the walls and eventually found the diagnostics team's office. As he neared the sliding glass doors, he heard an exchange of voices in rapid succession, as if they were discussing something important. As he raised his gaze through the glass, he saw two female doctors and two males. His eyes automatically landed to the young brunette, whose hand is on her waist as she listened intently as the others debated.

His brow quirked a little, a fit of curiosity fleeted through him. She was prettier in personal. Television didn't do her justice.

Immediately shaking off the unnerving attraction, he tapped gently on the glass door. All doctors turned to him. One of the male doctors with piercing blue eyes let him in, he later found out that he was the world-renowned diagnostician, Dr. Ethan Ramsey, the head of the team.

"ADA Bryce Lahela, I'm here for Dr. Heather Song?" he walked into the room exuding confidence, burying the distracted innuendos he was currently having.

In response, she moved forward and offered her hand, smiling brightly at him. "Dr. Heather Song, at your service. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

Oh, I bet you do.

He answered mentally, stepping closer to look at her soft features. He took her hand and shook it, returning the warm welcome with a smug look in his face. He couldn't stop thinking about her ever since.

He spent almost the whole day with her, going through her testimony in detail. She spoke in a very confident manner, ascertaining every small observation she made about Travis Perry, and how he raised her suspicions. She also walked him through how she confirmed her theories, and how she decided to report this to the hospital's chief. He was amazed with the way how she mapped out every step, and acknowledged how her actions made the case straightforward and uncomplicated. Certainly controversial and sensational, given that it was involving one of Massachusetts' senators. But getting up close and personal with her that day made him realize that like him, she was at the top of her game.

She was professional and insightful. Bryce was also impressed with how she carried herself. Graceful and poised, yet fierce and tenacious. There were a lot of times that he thought he was hearing himself in the way she talked. And for that reason, he like spending time with her.

Over the course of the next few months, he spent more time with her. It was the perfect opportunity to keep in touch, as she was the star witness after all.

Beyond work, it was easy for him to befriend her. She was warm and open, sensitive and caring. Eventually, she introduced him to her exclusive group of doctors, who readily welcome him.

But he admired her more when she made it her mission to help him with his runaway sister. She went out of her way to spend time with her, bridging the gap between the siblings.

That was when he irreversibly opened up to her, telling her about his past. Making her see through him, who he really was.

And the way that she embraced it without inhibitions was a breathe of fresh air. He never knew he needed someone like her in his life, the one thing to complete his do-over.

It didn't take much for him to he admit to himself that he adored Heather. He felt a deep connection to her, something he never felt for someone else.

But in a sudden turn of events, the hopefulness he had turned out to be just a mere figment of his imagination.

He learned about her relationship with Rafael. Once he saw the way she looked at him, he knew it was time to draw the line.

Ever since, that was all he thought it would be between them - an unexplored and faraway frontier.

Gradually, his presence in her life became nothing more but group hangouts in the form of brunches or night outs in Donahues. He learned to withdraw whenever she and Rafael was around, cautious to not let others know about the way he felt. He himself went back to his string of one night stands.

He kept her at arm's length, repeating to himself that he was contented with the friendship that they had. Yet when he was finally learning to ease her out of his mind, she came crashing back in.

***

Present Day

With warm bowls of noodles in front of them, they caught up with each other's life. Bryce poured them both a glass of white wine to chase down the saltiness off of their taste buds.

"Hm, this certainly is an upgrade from that cheap bottle you had the last time," her mocking voice freed him from his thoughts. He grinned at her, leaning towards her.

"Oooh, I'm not liking your arrogance. Being junior fellow got in your head already?" he teased her, sipping from his own glass. "Has all of your student loans been paid off so you have spare money to buy your own fancy wine?"

"Certainly not. I think you're the one getting ahead of yourself, hotshot. That plaque hit you in the head and made you forgot that you're a just a noob?" Heather quipped back, her index finger pointing to the square-shaped glass on one of the living room shelves.

"Psh. It's not like my colleagues skip a day to remind me of 'my place'," his one hand mimicked air quotes, feigning a look of disgust, invoking a genuine laughter from her, her skin illuminated by the late afternoon sun as she glowed in delight.

They went at it as they ate, exchanging insulting banters, trying to one up each other as they went. It was just the way they were, at ease. Two old friends who loved their careers first, always putting their self in second place.

It was the first time in months that they were together alone, Bryce realized now how much he missed spending time with her.

He didn't want to spoil the mood, but he couldn't shake off his interest on what went down between Rafael and her. He waited a few more moments as they settled into a comfortable silence, running out of casual jokes to throw at the other. He drew a deep breathe, taking up the courage he needed to raise the sore subject.

"So, you and Raf huh?"

He saw her flinch and his heart irked a little. Her hand shivered as she set down the empty glass and grabbed the bottle of wine to refill it.

"He wasn't what I thought he was," she swirled the contents of her glass once it was full, looking distracted. "Apparently, it only took him less than a month to reveal his true self." Bryce nodded opposite her, as she shrugged casually. He saw her bite her lower lip, and instantly felt the hurt she was going through.

Without second thoughts, he approached her and opened his arms, inviting her in.

After a few excruciating seconds of hesitation, she finally leaned in and received his embrace, tears falling. She didn't think there was any left, but Bryce's offer of solace was a comfort she didn't think she needed. Her dams of pain overflowed once again, and with the horrible scare that happened this morning, her resolve to put up a brave face in front of everyone crumbled.

"You know I'll always be here for you, Heath," he whispered to her, his senses being flooded by the familiar jasmine scent of her perfume.

"I know, thank you for that," she replied in a hushed voice. "I'm just... just tired of it all, Bryce, I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't be. I got you."

He just held her, wishing so hard that one embrace can take all of her fears away. He closed his eyes, letting his beating heart speak for the rest of his unspoken emotions.

He tried to soothe her as he brushed her hair, rubbing the palm of his hand on her shuddering back. His grip tightened with her every sigh, pulling her ever closer.

For the first time in months of keeping his distance, the feelings he had for her, those he tried to bury deep within his heart, started to resurface. He was feeling the way he felt way back then.

In between her deep sighs and sobs, a flood of regrets raced through his mind. His chest constricted, as his thoughts lingered on what could have been.

If I hadn't left her alone. If I just fought for her the first time. If I just have been brave enough to let her know...

But he knew he couldn't what already happened define what should be and what it will be. Just like he dealt with his past, Bryce knew that with enough willpower, he can turn it all around.

He focused forward. A rush of possibilities, a promise of a future, it overwhelmed him.

Maybe this time, it'll be more. She's free now. Maybe now is a better time than before. Maybe now, it won't have to end. Maybe this time, he wouldn't need to let her go.

His heart burned with a fiery resolve and determination.

That late afternoon, when the setting sun's light began to shine upon his face, he decided.

Even the smallest of maybes was more than enough for him. Bryce was willing to risk it for her.

TAGS: @choicesficwriterscreations @ramsey-lahela

@eleanorbloom - I hope I'm doing Bryce justice 😬

#open heart #open heart 2 #bryce lahela #bryce x mc #bryce lahela x mc #rafael aveiro #rafael aveiro x mc #choices fanfiction #open heart fanfiction #choices fic writers creations #choices

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Fifty-One

Table of Content or Part Fifty

Wattpad

Word count: 4.6K

Warning(s): explicit language, drug abuse, minor sexual situations, violence

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LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED

My stomach aches with laughter as Duff delivers his punchline of his joke, my hands coming up to cover my mouth as I try to chew my fried mozzarella stick and he takes a sip of his beer, laughing as I snort, which only causes me to laugh even harder, until the both of us are laughing possibly the ugliest anyone has ever laughed, and I'm discarding my food into a napkin because I'm laughing too hard to try to chew it.

My eyes are watering, and thin tears roll down my cheeks.

We finally calm down, seeing people glaring at us for being so loud, but we ignore them.

"That was pretty good." I give him credit where credit is due, shifting in my seat a little and taking in a sharp breath as my sore thigh takes notice of the movement.

"Are you okay?" He asks me and I nod.

"It's still sore." I tell him, trying not to take notice of the expression on his face that flashes for a split second.

Nobody could understand why the hell I went right back home when I got out of the hospital like Nikki hadn't put my life in serious danger.

It wasn't like Nikki had intentionally shot at me. He didnt know what the hell I was and just kicked into to survival mode.

I didn't see the big deal in staying with him.

Tommy, Vince and Mick didn't even know what really happened. Doc had told them the same thing he told me to tell the press: I dropped Nikki's gun on accident, while trying to move it, and it went off and caught me.

He didn't want them to know the truth because they were working on the new album, and he didn't want to "create conflict" within the group.

So the only people that knew the truth aside from Fred, Doc and Nikki, was Duff, Slash, Steven, Izzy and Axl.

It wasn't long after that, that Axl informed me he wrote "You're Crazy" about me as a joke, but realized he was pretty right to write it because, in his words, "you staying with the crackhead heroin junkie that already treats you like shit, then fucking shot you, just solidifies my theory that you're actually, medically, out of your mind, and your insanity isn't just 'to be determined' anymore" and I asked him if he "wanted to be the pot or the kettle?"

The irony of him--out of all people--calling anybody else "crazy" was beyond me.

Thirty-two years later and he still dedicates the song to me every time they play it live.

After we're done eating our Sunday lunch, we pay and head to my car, slowly, because I'm limping and Duff's walking slow so he doesn't leave me.

"So, I kinda did something for your late birthday present." He informs me out of nowhere and I raise my brows.

"What do you mean?" I ask, fumbling to get my keys from my purse, shielding my eyes from the harsh sun in my face as we head to the parking lot.

"Mandy and I broke up." He states and I raise my brows.

"...You broke up with your girlfriend as my birthday present?" I'm confused and he chuckles it off.

"No!" He nervously rubs at the back of his neck. "She broke up with me, actually, but that's not what your present is."

"She broke up with you? Are you okay?" I ask.

"It's a girl, Viv. There's plenty more decent girls to choose from when I'm ready to be in a relationship again." He shrugs.

"Did she tell you why she was breaking things off?" I question.

"Just needed space or time or something like that, I don't know. I was kinda drunk when she called to tell me."

"She broke up with you over a phone call?" I raise my voice, my nostrils flaring.

"Viv, chill out." He let's out with a laugh, nudging me with his arm. "You haven't let me explain the good part of this."

"Well then explain." I clear my throat and he rubs his lips together.

"I talked to Nikki last night 'cause he and Tommy came around to hangout with us for a little while." He explains.

"Mhm?"

"I mentioned the fact that you were kinda getting back into dancing and he said he'd been meaning to ask me about it because you'd told him about Mandy letting you use their rehearsal space to dance."

"She didn't even know I was using it, you just sneak me in whenever she's not there. Well, at least, you did. I'm assuming she got the key back from you."

"You're not letting me finish." He points out and I roll my eyes and sigh.

"Okay. I'm listening."

"Nikki and I conspired together, and I'm buying the place from Mandy, and Nikki is going to pay for any renovations and cleaning up it probably definitely needs."

I stop walking, my face falling, unable to say anything.

"So...happy birthday?" He cautiously finishes, not able to gauge how I'm gonna react.

I just start crying.

"I-I'm sorry, if you didn't want that we can--"

"--I'm not crying because I'm upset, I'm crying because I'm happy." I tell him, wiping my running mascara.

"Viv." He smiles a little, and I hug him to me, my arms around him tightly as I squeeze my eyes closed.

"Thank you." I mumble to him and he kisses at my hair for a second.

"Happy birthday."

I knew on Nikki's part it was an attempt to apologize without actually saying "I'm sorry for shooting you" because if he said "I'm sorry" it would mean admitting he was wrong and I was right about his drug use.

And Vivian could never be right about anyone over-doing it with their bad habits.

I shut the front door, slipping my kitten heels off by the door before I calmly step through the house to get to our bedroom so I can change from my church dress.

Nikki's passed out in our bed. I've gotten to where I have to wake him up and get him to bed or just sleep next to him in the closet.

I accidentally rolled over and stabbed myself with one of his used needles a few nights ago so I've been praying he's been using clean needles and isn't going to transfer anything weird to me.

I change clothes and get into our bed, watching him sleep, at least I think he's asleep.

"How was church?" He asks me, keeping his liner smudged eyes shut and I run the tip of my finger over his bare chest.

"It was good." I reply. "It ran late again today." I lie, not wanting him to find out about Duff and I eating lunch again.

"Oh." He yawns, turning over to face me and I get a little closer to him, hooking my leg around his hip and he grins softly, resting his hand on the curve of my back.

"So, Zutaut called again." I tell him and he sighs out.

"Nope." He sits up and I untangle from him, rolling my eyes as I follow him into the bathroom.

"You didn't even let me finish." I argue, crossing my arms and leaning against the doorway as he puts the toilet seat up to pee.

"I don't need to let you finish. This is the second time he's called in the three days and you told me the first time he called he was wondering if I'd be up to produce your friends' album."

"I love how they're strictly just my friends as soon they inconvenience you. Which I don't even consider this an inconvenience."

"Then what is it, Viv?" He flushes the toilet and steps to the shower to turn it on.

"An opportunity to actually listen to our--'our' meaning 'your's, too'--friends' music. And help them get it put down on an album that actually stays true to their sound instead of trying to add all the extra bull crap that everyone else that's wanted to produce them, has done." I state as he gets his clothes off and gets into the shower.

"What's in it for me?" He asks over the sound of the water.

"Um, the satisfaction of helping a hungry band reach their dreams and share their music? Also helping them get money because once the kids see the album is produced by Nikki Sixx they're gonna buy it because they trust your opinion on good rock music?" I suggest hopefully.

"I want blowjobs." He cuts through the sentimental atmosphere I created in my mind surrounding friendship and dedication, and I glare at the shower as my face drops from it's smile into an unamused expression. "Like, on-command blowjobs. Anytime, anywhere."

"You want me to drop to my knees the second you snap your fingers? Ha!" I scoff.

"Then I'm not even gonna consider producing them."

"Oh my goodness gracious, fine!" I give up, letting out a heavy sigh. "For how long?"

"Um, until I come?"

"No, I mean over what duration of time do I have to sacrifice the wellbeing of my jaw for your disgusting and degrading satisfaction?"

"Until you get arthritic to the point of not being able to get down that low without throwing a joint out of place." He says and I raise a brow, yanking the shower open.

"I am not gonna be in my fifties getting on my knees every time you want some head." I state and he laughs.

"If I have to give you on-command BJs, you have to go down on me on-command."

"You don't even have to tell me to eat you out, I'll gladly do it without the say-so." He says as he shapes his lathered hair straight up with his hands and I have to keep myself from laughing at his childishness. "And can you close that, It's kinda nippley out there." He motions outside of the shower and I shake my head a little before pinning my hair off of my shoulders with a hair clip on our counter and start pulling my clothes off.

I get in with him and he smirks.

"Am I in trouble?" He asks and I raise my brows before reaching my hands up to squish down on his hair that he's got perfectly sculpted upward with shampoo. "No, Viv!" He tries to protect it, laughing loudly.

Tom Zutaut had pressed at me to convince Nikki to at least consider producing "Appetite for Destruction."

Everyone that was interested in Guns N' Roses wanted to alter their music or add unnecessary elements to their signature raw sound. He knew Nikki advocated for people not compromising on what they want, especially with their music, and knew he would never try to produce the album the way he wanted it, but the way the band wanted it.

The only problem there was in the plan...

I roll my eyes as Nikki takes a bump of coke to try to pull himself out of his heroin induced stupor as I fall back in the seat across from him in the limousine, wiping my smudged lipstick from around my mouth, panting, hot and bothered because he started something and couldn't get his prick up to finish it.

Oh, the joys of body function inhibiting drugs.

"Okay, c'mon." He says as he takes a deep breath.

I get back on him to straddle his lap, my hands pulling my dress up my hips and pushing my panties aside while he rubs at himself.

It doesn't seem like he's getting any harder, and the mood is ruined.

"Babe, it's okay." I sigh out, calmly, although I'm frustrated.

"Fuck." He curses, just as irritated, his boot harshly kicking the edge of the seats across from us, his fingers grasping at his hair.

I fix my panties back and move off of him, smoothing my dress back down as he tucks himself back into his pants and laces them back up.

"I'm sorry, Viv." He turns his head to the side to look at me while he's leaning his head back.

"It's fine." I assure him. "Not like I need to be putting that much pressure on my thigh anyway." I add and the atmosphere in the car immediately tenses up.

He doesn't reply, putting his shades on to prepare for the flashing cameras bound to find us.

He despises the press.

I don't blame him.

Once we get stopped, Nikki's opening the door, tightly grasping at my hand.

"Nikki! Nikki!" They all seem to be shouting, followed by questions such as, "you guys working on the album?", "what are some songs we can expect on the new album?", "when are you releasing a new record?", "is it true you went to rehab for heroin?", "are you still on drugs?"

"Vivian, there's pregnancy rumors, do you know who, in the band, is the father?" Someone shouts and I ignore them, keeping my head down and my eyes closed, letting Nikki cut through the reporters and get us into the venue to meet Tom and let Nikki experience his first official Guns N' Roses show.

...Nikki hated it.

He was ready to leave only two songs in and showed absolutely no interest in spending his time producing them.

He wouldn't even really pin point what exactly he didn't like about their music or their playing, he just didn't like it.

He admits now that he was so fucked up that night, in particular, that he wouldn't have known what was good music if it hit him in the face.

I figured that might have been the case since he was the first one to put in for Guns N' Roses to join Mötley Crüe on the "Girls, Girls, Girls" tour and advocate for their music.

His mood swings gave me whiplash.

"What do you think so far?" Tom asks Nikki as Nikki takes a sip of his drink.

"I don't see the fuss." He states, and Tom and I exchange looks, confused.

"W-What?" I ask, furrowing my brows. "Are you kidding me?"

"Did I stutter?"

"W--C'mon, Nikki, you haven't even heard some of their other stuff. These kids have the potential to be extraordinary, they're almost there. You can't just write them off like this."

"I'm not writing anybody off. They're my friends and I dig their enthusiasm but I can barely find the time to work on our own album, let alone produce someone else's and they're not striking me enough to make me want to sacrifice more of my time to produce them."

"Baby, if you would just give them a chan--"

"--Viv, I said 'no'." He sternly scolds me and tears swell up in my eyes because I could have sworn Nikki would have really liked their music.

"I'll be right back." I tell them, stepping to the bathroom to dry my tears.

At the time I thought Nikki was just being an asshole.

He didn't tell me he didn't want to produce them because he wouldn't have done the kind of job they deserved for their talent on their debut album.

He wanted to do right by them, and that meant staying as far away from their music as possible.

He didn't tell anyone that because that would have been him admitting he had a problem.

"Lose the nasty attitude, Vivian." Nikki orders as I stomp into our house while he shuts the front door behind him, locking it.

"Why? You gonna toss me aside, too?" I hiss, taking my jacket off and throwing my purse onto the coffee table, crossing my arms.

"Will you just drop it? It's not like there aren't thousands of producers that would love to help them out." He takes his jacket off, tossing it to the couch.

"What is wrong with their music? Is it their sound, their personality, their--"

"--Vivian, I said 'drop it'!" He barks.

"I have every right to be angry, Nikki! You clearly might not give a fuck about them but they are my friends--who I know good and damn well have immense talent and there's even some of it that's yet to be untapped--and I just wanted you to give them an actual shot at achieving the thing all of them have worked their asses off for and dreamed about since they were kids!" I throw my hands up.

"I'm done talking about this." He states, stepping to our bedroom.

"I'm not!" I take my heel off and throw it as hard as I can at his head.

It hits the back of his hair and he stops in his tracks.

"Tom said it himself, and you heard him: Guns N' Roses will be the biggest rock n roll band in the world if they just get someone behind them that can guide them to where they need to be!" I ball my fists up at my sides, digging my nails into my palms.

Nikki just slowly turns to face me, his eyes wild, his breathing labored, and a out of line theory sprouts in my mind, but the way he's been acting lately it won't surprise me if it's true.

"Is that why you won't help them?" I ask him, cutting my eyes. "Because they're possibly going to dethrone Mötley Crüe?"

The fact that I'm insinuating he gives a fuck about bullshit "competition", especially in regards to his friends, just infuriates him more. I see it in his eyes.

He just turns back around and goes to our bedroom, slamming the door shut.

I roll my jaw, my eyes drifting to the beautiful display of his gold and platinum records on the wall beside the hallway that leads to guest bedrooms.

My skin of my knuckles is splitting open when my fist collides with the glass of the "Shout at the Devil" Gold award.

Platinum's next.

Just before I'm going for "Too Fast for Love", Nikki's screaming from our bedroom doorway, Jack Daniel's in hand.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He shouts and I just shoot him a glare before taking the "Too Fast for Love" plaque off the wall. "Put the fucking plaque down Vivian." Nikki orders, stepping closer to me.

"Produce their album." I demand, acting as if I'm going to drop it.

"Put. It. Down. Vivian."

"Or what? You'll shoot me again?" I taunt him and he grinds his teeth. "Produce their album." I repeat.

"Go to hell, crazy bitch." He snaps.

"You go first!" I holler back, hurling the award at the wall and it crashes into another plaque and they both shatter to pieces.

I turn around just in time to see Nikki pouring Jack all over my Bible that he'd plucked from the coffee table, just before pulling his lighter out.

"Stop!" I shriek, rushing to him.

I'm too late, though, and he's lighting it up and throwing it into the empty fire place just as I make it to him.

A God-awful feeling of dread fills me as Sikki looks very proud of himself.

I can't even look at him right now.

Walking to the kitchen to wash my bleeding hand off and get it wrapped up, I start to think a mile a minute.

My heart clenches in my chest as tears line my lashes.

How predictable of Nikki Sixx to burn a fucking Bible just to piss off a christian who's had said Bible since childhood...but it somehow shocks me that he'd do it to me, I guess.

I glance down at my wedding ring.

I've noticed it feels more and more like a weight with every argument he and I have.

Our entire relationship was just an open body of water that, that freaking ring was dragging me deeper and deeper in to.

The pressure was starting to get painful and I needed air.

My finger tips tug at my wedding ring and I leave it on the kitchen counter before I'm walking to our bedroom-- while he's still in the living room-- locking the door and heading to the closet, quickly gathering every lick of heroin, coke, and pills before going to our bathroom and flushing all of it, all the while Nikki's banging his fist against our bedroom door.

I hear a loud crash, and realize he kicked the door in.

"Vivian!" He screams as I'm giving the final flush to the last bindle, opening the bathroom door.

He's pushing me aside rather roughly and stomping to the toilet as the sound of the tank refilling with water let's him know what I've been doing.

"What did you do?!" He seethes at me, finger in my face, eyes shot, five o'clock shadow framing his gritted teeth.

And I just turn around with the intention of getting my shoes back on and leaving.

His hand is catching in my hair and yanking me back to him.

"Nikki, fuck off!"

"Don't fucking walk away from me!" He yells.

"I should have walked away from you six years ago!" I exclaim, tears of anger rolling down my cheeks.

This gets his attention because he's letting me go, an obvious expression of hurt on his face.

"I should have never slept with you. I should have never dated you. I should have never told you I'd marry you and I never should have taken vows to love and honor and protect someone who can't even get off of drugs long enough to love and honor and protect me." I sniffle and he blinks at me slowly as if holding back on his emotions.

"Then walk the fuck away." He hisses at me, rolling his jaw.

I left.

Nikki called Vanity.

And I went to find Duff.

I shut my car door before making my way into the Seventh Veil, running a hand through my hair as music blares through the speakers.

I glance around, hoping they're here because I've been up and down the strip and they've been nowhere to be found.

My prayers are answered when I look to see the massive fluff of blonde hair and I walk over to the table where Duff, Izzy, Steven, and Slash are, yanking a chair from a neighboring table and sitting with them.

They give me weird looks, Steven glancing around to check for Nikki or any of the other guys, before exchanging looks with Duff and Slash while Izzy seems unphased, his eyes on the same thing mine are on: the dancer on stage.

"Um...Viv?" Steven asks me cautiously and I side eye him.

"Yeah." I mumble.

"Uh, a-are you here alone?" He asks.

"Yep."

"Do you like strippers or something?" Slash asks me next.

"Nope."

"Did Nikki piss you off?" Duff's next.

"Yep."

"Is your hand alright?" Steven motion's to my hand that's got a scabbed over, bloody cut over the top of it.

"Shh, guys, she has to keep a clear mind so she can properly construct her plan to ask the dancers if they've accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior." Izzy sarcastically puts in and I cut my eyes at him as he takes another drag of his cigarette.

"Talk all your shit, Stradlin. Just gives me more motivation to curate ideas to make your life harder."

"Your existence in itself makes my life harder." He scoffs.

"Good that means I'm fulfilling one of the purposes God gave me for my life."

"Is your other purpose getting your husband so heated he throws you out of the house?"

"Oh, I'm sorry." I pretend to feel sorry, poking my lip out a little. "I forget I can't be upset with Nikki around you because you get bothered at the thought of anyone being upset with your gothic, heroin hounding, drug buddy because you're kindred spirits that have bonded over being tortured artists."

"Oh, go read your Bible." He tells me.

"Can't. Nikki set it on fire." I shoot back and Duff chokes on his drink.

"He what?" Duff asks me, like he's trying to contain a little anger over it.

"So we can expect the Sixxes to get a divorce?" Izzy asks me, clearly joking, and I shake my head.

"No, he's just being a junked-out prick." I mumble, crossing my arms.

"Do you wanna get your anger out by aggressively throwing our money?" Steven asks and I blink.

"I'll go politely put the money on the edge of the stage." I say and Duff finishes his drink, setting the glass face down.

"Alright, let's get outta here." He tells me with a sigh, standing up. "We'll see you guys later."

"Alright, man." Izzy nods. "Viv." He adds.

"Izzy." I reply.

"Bye, Viv." Steven and Slash both say and I smile a little.

"Bye, guys."

I follow Duff out of the club, and he nearly trips coming out, causing me to grab at his hand and arm to try to help him keep balanced, and a few flashes go off, signaling paparazzi and I audibly groan as they move in.

My hand shields my eyes as my other hand holds tightly to Duff's arm as asinine questions are thrown at me but I ignore them.

The bastards got a good enough shot at just the right second--with me holding onto Duff with both of my hands, the two of us sharing wide smiles because we were laughing over him nearly tripping to the ground--that it definitely came across as "a picture's worth a thousand words" but the only words told by that picture was that we were a little more than friends...and that's what the headline spun it up as by the time it landed in Nikki's hands.

The argument it led to sparked the birth of "You're All I Need", delivered by the vocals of Vince, from the demented mind of Sikki Nixx himself.

"Where'd you park?" Duff asks me in my ear over the sound of photography and strangers talking at us, and I tug him into direction of my car that's parked down the street against the curb.

"Welp that's something I'm gonna get to explain to Nikki." I state as soon as we get into my car.

"He knows nothing's happening." He replies, laughing it off.

"Yeah, right." I say under my breath, as I start heading down the road. "Where to?" I ask, stopping at a stop light.

"Oh, I don't know I was just trying to keep you from swinging on Izzy." He admits with a chuckle and I shake my head a little.

"I'd never hit Izzy. Axl, definitely, Izzy, no. He's my favorite."

"Izzy's your favorite? How'd that happen? You two are, like, polar opposites." He asks me with an amused smile.

"He agrees that Sid probably killed Nancy." I inform him and he throws his head back and let's out a frustrated, but humorous, groan.

After finally deciding to just get milk-shakes, we sit in a corner booth of Denny's and once we get out orders, Duff's clearing his throat.

"So, I saw you guys at the show earlier."

He tells me and I raise my brows, sipping at my strawberry milkshake. "You didn't tell us you were coming, we could've told them to take you guys backstage."

"We weren't able to stay very long afterwards...Nikki just wanted to see you guys play together live." I explain.

"Oh." He nods, before asking the dreaded question: "what did he think?"

"He digs you guys." I lie, giving a little smile.

The guys never knew Nikki was approached to produce the album, each of them found out later.

I think they're secretly glad he never touched "Appetite for Destruction."

That album would have been an absolute train wreck under his junkie guidance, just like everything else that Nikki seemed to be apart of in 1987.

#nikki sixx #mötley crüe #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction #gateway drug

[banditthewriter]

Misdial; Redial - Billy Russo

Prompt: Wrong Number AU: Reader is going through hard times and her friend gives her number to a guy who usually helps veterans but won't say no to a civilian. But instead of talking with a polite man named Curtis she ends up texting with a guy named Billy who's incredibly witty, funny and maybe gets attached to her but doesn't want to show his face. Prompter: Anonymous

So this is my 17k word oneshot because I got really inspired by this request. It took on a life of its own. 

Warnings: Discussion of past sexual abuse. Smut. Immediate angst after smut? I don’t know if that deserves a warning or not. Just be kind to yourselves darlings.

Tags are at the bottom. Let me know if you would like to be added to one of my tag lists!

*gif is mine*

Enjoy!

*****

It had been a rough year. You'd faced unemployment, homelessness, sick family members. Some of your problems were a direct correlation to your ex, some of it was just bad timing. It didn't matter which was which; it was all pretty equally ducky.

Every time something got better, two things would go wrong again. It happened over and over for over a year until you weren't sure you could take it anymore.

“I can't do it anymore,” you cried as your best friend kept his arm around you. “I'm just so tired. Of all of this.”

Kenny tugged you into his chest, quietly shushing you.

“You're one of the strongest people I know. I know this stuff is hitting you from all sides, but you're not in this alone. We’ve got you.”

He meant your circle of friends who had taken turns hosting you while you tried to find an apartment. You finally found one only for it to be taken before you had the chance.

“I hate feeling like a burden,” you said as you wiped your tears.

“No burden here except Ethan’s gym socks,” he joked as he looked over to where his boyfriend's gym bag was resting. “If I didn't love the man, I'd throw the bag out into the dumpster.”

It made you giggle which was surely his intention. Once he was satisfied that you were done crying, he pulled back a bit. The look on his face told you that he was thinking about something.

“What is it?”

Kenny held up a finger. He stood up and made his way over to the desk in the corner of the living room.

“When Ethan came back from overseas, he was a mess. He couldn't find a job, couldn't settle into a routine. We almost didn't make it,” he admitted quietly as he sorted through the drawer. “He got in touch with this guy, Curtis Hoyle. He runs a group for vets, helps them find work and adjust. He's great. And he's also just a good ear to bend when you're down.”

He pulled out a small address book and started flipping through the pages as he made his way over to you.

“Maybe you could give him a call. Or a text, if you prefer.”

You were shaking your head before he finished his sentence.

“I wasn't… I'm not military, Ken.”

Kenny shrugged and flopped down beside you, still holding out the book.

“Neither was I but he talked me through losing my dad and my brother within about two months of each other. And that was when Ethan was deployed.”

You hesitated before you finally accepted the address book from him. On the page he had turned to was about two dozen names all smushed in together.

“How can you even read these?”

He laughed as he trailed his finger along a line. The phone number was a bit jumbled but you typed it into your phone as best you could.

“Who are these other people?”

“Some are guys Ethan served with. Some are guys he met in group with Curtis. That's Ethan’s boss,” he said as he pointed to a name that was basically just a B and then a smear of pen. “He met him through Curtis.”

You nodded as you glanced at the number in your phone. You weren't sure you'd use it, but if it made Kenny feel better to give it to you?

“I promise I'll be off your couch soon,” you said somewhat miserably. “I just have to keep looking.”

“Hey, I don't care about that. I just care about you.”

You tugged Kenny close to you so that you could rest your head on his shoulder.

“You're the best.”

“I know,” he said with a grin.

------

Your ex was the kind of guy who thought things were owed to him. Paul took what he wanted, damn the consequences. You'd liked that about him in theory. You had completely different feelings about it in reality.

You stayed because you thought you had to, that you wouldn't be able to survive without him. You left your apartment to move in with him. You lost your job because he'd make you call out and stay at home instead of going in. He stopped you from seeing your family.

It kept getting worse until he turned his attention on you. It took Kenny taking you to a crisis center and talking to a therapist to learn that saying yes because you're scared to say no is still rape. At that point you were done. Kenny, Ethan, your father, and one of Ethan’s buddies from work all showed up at the townhouse you shared with Paul to help you pack up your belongings.

There wasn't much. He'd made you sell a lot of it.

Once you were out, you had to work on getting your life put back together. It just didn't seem to work that way. You felt like you were always scrambling to make it.

But you had Kenny. You had Ethan. You had your family. You weren't doing it alone anymore.

------

The new job wasn't perfect, but it was better than nothing. And the pay was pretty good considering. You went to labs, medical offices, and other places in the city to check that they were disposing of their supplies correctly and that they followed all health guidelines.

You huffed out a sigh as you settled down into the booth at the diner near the job you were on today. As the waitress brought over your drink, you felt your phone buzz with a new text.

After you ordered your lunch, you checked the message. It was from Kenny.

Have you called Curtis yet?

You sighed again, this time out of fond exasperation as you tapped out your response.

No. I don't know how I feel about it. And I don't know that I need someone to talk to.

We all need someone to talk to.

Yeah but that's why I have you!

You put your phone down when the food arrived. After the first few bites, you picked it back up curiously.

But I'll say the wrong thing because I'm insensitive and awkward. Curtis is really good at this shit.

Please Y/N? It's the only way I know how to help you

With it put like that, how could you turn it down?

I'll message him later, okay? I promise.

You got the response before you could even lock your phone.

I'm glad.

------

“Hey dad,” you called softly as you walked into the hospital room, eyeing the lump on the bed before you moved to his side. “How's she doing?”

Your father gave you a hug and kissed the top of your head.

“Stubborn as a mule,” he said with a small smile. “Doc was in here earlier to check her vitals and she damn near kicked him out.”

“His stethoscope was cold,” your sister complained as she turned her head to peek up at you. “Aren't you supposed to be at work?”

You huffed out a laugh and moved to grab her hand.

“I got off about thirty minutes ago.” You squeezed her hand as you looked at all of the machines attached to her. “How are you feeling?”

Kristen’s free hand went to her very large belly.

“Felt him kick earlier,” she said with a smile. “Dr Dunning said that was a good sign.”

You placed your hand on her belly and smiled. Before you could say anything, you felt the tiniest movement.

“Gas?”

Kris smacked your arm with a laugh.

“That was your nephew telling you to be nice to his mom,” she countered with a grin.

“He says that now. Wait until he gets here. You'll be all discipline and veggies and I'll be giving him ice cream for dinner.”

The rest of your visit went much the same. Your sister's pregnancy was high risk so she was hospitalized for the last few weeks before they would have to do a c-section. It'd been tough on everyone because you wanted to be with her as much as possible but it was hard to get out there now that you were employed.

Your parents took turns spending about six hours with her at a time. The father wasn't in the picture anymore so it was just Kris. And your soon to be nephew.

On your way home, you thought about the number in your phone. You didn't think you needed to reach out to Curtis because you were doing okay for the time being. Of course you did promise Kenny that you'd message him.

And it wasn't like you'd turn down the chance to talk to someone. You were still stressed about finding a place to live. And you were still looking for a job that fit you more than what you were doing now.

It couldn't hurt, right? Worst came to worst, he'd tell you to buzz off.

With that in mind, you told yourself that you'd send a text to appease Kenny. He'd been so worried about you lately.

------

Curled up in the guest room while Kenny and Ethan watched TV in the living room, you decided that now was as good of a time as any. It took you a few minutes to figure out what to say, but once you started? The words just seemed to flow from you.

Hey Curtis. You don't know me but a friend gave me your number. I've been having a tough time lately and he told me that you're a pretty good with that? I just have a lot going on and I'm feeling a bit like a failure. I don't know how else to explain it except I feel like I'm failing everyone and I'm a burden to the people that care about me. And I know I shouldn't lay all this at your feet but my friend really wanted me to reach out. Feel free to tell me to fuck off if this is out of line, I just thought I'd give it a try.

You hit send before you could think twice about it. You also realized you never gave him your name or who your friend was, but you figured you'd wait to see how he responded.

With the message sent, you dropped your phone onto the bedspread and moved to your luggage. You pulled out some pajamas and started to work on putting them on.

While you were pulling your shirt on, you heard your phone buzz. Instead of running over, you stuck to getting dressed. And then you tried to think of anything else you could do before you checked the message.

Unable to think of anything that wouldn’t involve you going through the apartment and depressing yourself by seeing Ethan and Kenny being so in love, you sat down on the bed and unlocked the phone to check.

Your stomach dropped when you saw the reply.

I'm sorry about this but I think you have the wrong number? I don't think anyone would have given you my number if you were looking for comfort. And my name isn't Curtis. I know a Curtis though and he's the kind of guy that would talk you through this so I can give you his number if you want?

You swore and tossed the phone away from you. Even the knowledge that this person apparently knew Curtis didn't help. All you felt was embarrassed to have unloaded on a complete stranger. And the wrong stranger at that.

All of the numbers had been so squished together on that page. He said he knew Curtis so it was probably one of the people from group. Shit.

You'd tell Kenny that you were sorry but that it didn't work out with you talking to Curtis. It'd be a lie, but you couldn't reach out to someone else after that.

You'd just keep on going the way you had been.

------

When you woke up the next morning, you checked the time on your phone. There was a notification from a number you didn't have saved.

It was just familiar enough for you to realize it was the number of Not-Curtis. You had deleted the number before you went to bed, not thinking that other person would reach back out after they told you they weren't Curtis.

Instead you were faced with another message.

I know I'm not Curtis but I am worried. You okay?

This person has claimed that no one would have given you their phone number to comfort you, but they did seem worried about you.

The clock said it was just after six. You needed to take a shower and start getting ready for work. Instead you took a moment to compose a reply.

I'm fine, just embarrassed. I'm taking this as a sign that I should just not bother people with my junk. Thanks for checking up on me. And sorry for bothering you last night.

You sent the message and locked your phone, heading to grab your stuff for your shower. You figured that would be that but when you got back to the room, you had a new message from that same number.

No worries. I get it. But I wouldn't take it as a sign not to reach out. There's no shame in reaching out. Curtis is a good guy. Let me give you his actual number. He can help you adjust to being back home.

You hesitated when you read that. It made sense the person would assume that you were military considering what Curtis did, but it just helped you feel worse.

I'm not military. Part of the reason I want to just forget this happened. Sorry for bothering you.

Phone back down once more, you moved to your clothes. You still had some time before you needed to go to work, but you usually preferred to leave early to stop and get breakfast.

When you were fully dressed, you checked your phone but there weren't any new messages. You weren't sure why you felt disappointed, but you considered it a fluke.

------

The lab you were checking was mostly empty. You were making notes on their disposal techniques when you felt your phone buzz in your pocket.

Your first thought was that it was going to be about Kris. Instead you were faced with that unsaved number from earlier.

So you aren't military. Curtis would still be willing to talk to you.

This person just didn't know when to give up.

I decided that I don't want to bother Curtis with my issues. I appreciate your persistence, but I'm not going to message him.

You tucked your phone back into your pocket. Even when you felt it buzz later while you were explaining that the lab was using outdated cleaning equipment and could be fined for that, you ignored it.

It had to be a guy. A girl would have stopped pushing at some point. You weren't sure what kind of guy openly admits to not being someone to offer comfort and then go through this, but it somehow made sense.

On your way to the subway, you finally opened the one notification you'd been ignoring all day.

Well you aren't bothering me. I have nothing better to do right now. I'm Billy, btw. If you want, you can talk to me.

You started to type up a reply telling him you weren't going to do that either, but something stopped you. You glanced up to see what station was coming up and sighed.

Maybe you could use someone to talk to. Someone that didn't know you in person and someone you could easily ignore if it went bad. Someone with no real connection to you.

In the end it was the thought that Kris would want you to do it which made you change your response.

I've just been dealing with a lot in the last few months. Things seem to be getting worse before they get better. My friend thought I could benefit from talking to someone that isn't in my social circle about it.

You hesitated and then sent the text. His text had been about three hours ago so you didn't expect an immediate response. But it came through anyways.

What are you dealing with? If you wanna tell me

You appreciated him giving you the opportunity. The thought of laying everything out on someone you didn't know made you a little nervous so you decided the cliff notes version would have to do.

Lost my job so now I'm working a job I don't particularly like. Couch surfing because I can't find a place to live. My sister is in the hospital because she's having a difficult pregnancy. It's just a lot

You felt stupid the moment you sent it. If this guy was in one of the groups with Curtis and Ethan, he was obviously a vet. You were telling someone from the military that you were dealing with a lot and it was just–

A new text came in.

Shit.

Obviously he was a wordsmith, but you could see the bubble that said he was typing.

Think of it this way. Any job is better than no job. And couch surfing means you got people that care. Like the friend that gave you Curt’s number?

I can't say much about the sister thing because I've never been in that situation but I imagine it sucks

That made it sound like he didn't have any siblings. You weren't going to pry, because you weren't sure how close to get to this mysterious Billy, but it was something at least.

I know that I've been lucky. I know that and that's what makes me feel worse. I shouldn't feel like this, I know that.

Your stop was coming up so you put your phone away. Once you were back on the street, you found yourself reaching for your phone again.

That's not what I'm saying at all. Shit still hurts whether or not it could be worse. Don't judge how you feel against how you think you should feel. Doesn't work that way

That was heavy. You crossed the street carefully, checking both directions as you did. On the other side, you paused your trek to send a reply.

For someone who doesn't think people would go to you for comfort, you're pretty good at it

You tucked your phone into your pocket after you put it on silent. As much as your were—surprisingly—enjoying this conversation, you didn't want to be distracted when you got to see your sister again.

An hour and a half later as you were leaving, you finally checked your phone. There were two messages from Billy.

Maybe I'm just trying to channel Curt. Make it worth your time to talk to me.

You never gave me your name

You looked around as if you expected to see someone hovering nearby.

There was no harm in telling him your name, especially since he told you his. Although he could have used a fake name.

You could use a fake name. It wasn't like he'd ever know the truth.

I'd feel more comfortable anonymous. For now?

It took another subway ride to get you home. Or, well, to Kenny and Ethan’s. Inside you waved at Kenny who was working at his desk before you went into the guest room. You started to drop your bag onto the bed when you saw the text.

I get that. Can I know anything about you? Gender? Age? Zodiac sign?

You let out a short laugh. It was a bit of a surprise, so you smothered the instinct. If you didn't know better, you would think he was flirting with you. But it was probably just him trying to lighten the mood.

You gave him the answers, telling him you were a girl and giving him your age. You even jokingly gave him your zodiac sign.

It was a step. And a small step was better than nothing.

------

“So you don't know this guy but you've been texting him?”

You looked over at where Kris was failing to knit a baby blanket. It looked more like a really sad pot holder.

“It started as a fluke,” you admitted as you flipped through the magazine you were reading. “But it's only been the past few days. It probably won't continue.”

Even as you said it, you felt a thin curl of disappointment growing in your chest.

The past few days had involved a few conversations with Billy. Well, one conversation that didn't stop. Sometimes there'd be hours between texts, but you didn't mind. He always turned the conversation back to you, back to the things you had admitted to him that day.

You had a strange feeling that he actually wanted to help you.

“Just be careful, okay? I don't want anything to happen to this kid’s aunt. He’ll need you to keep his mommy from going insane.”

It was such a Kris thing to say that you could barely keep the smile down.

“Do you think I'm gonna do something stupid?”

Kris raised her eyebrow at you, throwing her knitting down in frustration.

“No, I feel like you get attached to people easily and sometimes you get hurt.”

You thought about Paul and how quickly everything had moved. How quickly everything had gone to hell.

“You may have a point there.”

You didn't want to stop talking to Billy, but you knew Kris was right. She usually was.

------

“You've seemed happy lately,” Kenny said as he flopped down on the bed next to you. “Well maybe not happy, but more settled.”

You looked over at him and smiled.

“I'm glad you think so.”

He rolled his head to look over at you.

“Did you text Curtis?”

You'd almost forgotten to tell him about it. And since your version of things was a little different, you wanted to tread lightly.

“I did. It really helped. It got me thinking about how to move forward.”

You knocked your knee against his, grinning a bit as you did.

“Thank you, by the way. I never said that.”

Kenny wrapped his arms around your legs and grinned up at you.

“I'm just happy to see the old you. Even as little as it is.”

------

You've mentioned your folks a few times as well as your sister. You mind if I ask why you can't stay with them?

Don't mind you asking. Parents live in Jersey now and I'm not looking to move out of the city. Kris lives with them when she's not in the hospital.

you that attached to the city?

Once you're here, who would want to be anywhere else?

I can respect that

------

You having a bad night?

Bad year. I want to get out of this apartment so that they can be alone. I'm just getting really tired of having to rely on other people.

I don't know your price range but I can look around. I have some people I could ask

You don't need to do that. I already take advantage of you enough

I'm giving you permission to take advantage of me however you want

------

That last message had made your whole body turn warm. It didn't make sense given the fact that you'd never seen Billy or knew much about him personally, but those words made you feel almost lightheaded.

At the same time, there were loud sirens going off in the back of your head. Paul had been a smooth talker. He had painted picture after picture of all these things you'd only ever let yourself dream about. And then he became the thing you had nightmares about.

You didn't respond to the text but a couple of hours later, you got another text.

I didn't mean it like that. Don't want you to think that I'm hitting on you or something.

Or something, you thought to yourself as you typed out a response.

Never crossed my mind

------

The alcohol was like grease on a wheel. You moved with the music that pumped from the stereo in the corner of the bar. For the first time in a long time, you felt alive.

“Wowza girly, you're gonna burn the place down,” Ethan cheered as he joined you on the floor.

He was careful to let you see that he was approaching before he wrapped his arms around you, moving with the music. Both him and Kenny were always careful like that. They'd been the ones to see you for the first time after Paul had gotten abusive.

You were thankful for their care and gentleness. It was thoughtful in a way a lot of people weren't.

After dancing got tiring, you dropped into a chair next to another friend. Kenny had taken your spot with Ethan and the two of them danced together.

It wasn't that Billy was on your mind constantly, but he was there a lot. Since the conversation where he'd very bluntly told you he wasn't hitting on you, your conversations had been stilted to say the least.

Oddly enough, you thought you missed him.

With that in mind, you pulled your phone out to check the thread. Mostly just general greetings, nothing like it was before.

Confidence provided by alcohol, you typed up a message.

Why do you never say anything about yourself? Something real

The lack of spelling mistakes and the fact that it actually made sense had you satisfied as you hit send.

The satisfaction went away pretty quickly when his reply came in.

You're kidding right

It didn't even deserve a question mark. You furrowed your browser as you stared at the phone.

Im not kidding. You ar3 alwaus talking about me, but never about you. I don't know anything about uou

That time you noticed the spelling mistakes, but not until you sent the message. Shit. You didn't want it to be obvious that you were drunk.

I don't even know your name. You're saved in my phone under your fucking star sign. Wanna tell me why you're drunk texting me this bs right now?

You had the sudden urge to call him and chew him out, but that was crossing a line in this timid relationship the two of you had. Instead you blinked a few times to try to focus your eyes before you began to type again.

I'm sorry. I just can't stop thinking about the fact that you never talk about yourself. It always about me.

But you're right, I'm drunk.

You stared at the phone for a long time, watching the little sign that said he'd read the messages. But you didn't see that he was replying.

You looked you and watched Kenny and Ethan wrapped around one another, so very much in love. Then you looked back down at your phone.

With a deep breath, you typed something else.

And my name is Y/N

------

The next morning while you nursed your hangover, your phone started to blink with a new text. You groaned as you held it a little ways away from your face so that you wouldn’t be blinded when you unlocked the device.

There was a link from Billy. There wasn’t an accompanying text, just the link. Your first thought was that it was spam, but you decided to give it a shot.

It opened up to about half a dozen rental listings in the city. They ranged from exactly your price range to ridiculously expensive. You clicked through them for a bit before you went back to the thread.

You didn't have to do that, but thank you. Those are some good leads for me to look into.

You didn't want to be beholden to Billy but something told you that he didn't see it that way. And sure enough, thirty minutes later when you got out of your shower, his reply told you as much.

I don't look at it as something I had to do. I wanted to.

You skimmed back up at the conversation from the night before and winced. You weren't at your best when you'd been drinking, but especially not with you unable to get Billy's earlier brush off out of your mind.

Why would he be flirting with you? Neither of you knew what the other looked like. Until last night, he didn't even know your name.

You should apologize. At the very least you should tell him that you hadn't meant it like it sounded.

Before you got the chance, your phone lit up with a new text.

I was safe havened in Albany. Grew up in the system. The moment I aged out, I joined the Marines. They put me through college and then they put me through hell. I came out the other side a survivor that has a lot to be thankful for.

You wanted to tell him that he didn't need to tell you this, but it would contradict your fit the night before. No, this was his way of reaching out, of showing more of himself to you.

It was your turn to offer an olive branch.

I've never been to Albany. How is it?

You didn't have to wait long for the reply.

It sucks

------

For a while, things start to look up. Your job was still kind of crappie but you started to enjoy parts of it. One of the apartments that Billy linked you to accepted your application and you were on the verge of moving in. And you and Billy were actually becoming friends.

It was the biggest surprise really. You hadn't expected much when you sent the message to Curtis, but you definitely didn't expect Billy. And upon starting to talk to him, you didn't expect for that to be the best part of your day.

The conversations changed. Instead of centering around you and your stuff, it became more of a friendship. He told you about his life, you told him about yours.

He owned a company, although he wouldn't specify what the company did. He also made it sound like he'd been on some sort of leave from the company recently but he didn't give specifics.

You knew he lived not far from Kenny and Ethan. That was probably the hardest part; knowing he was so close and yet not having a way to reach out to him. In person.

You hadn't broached the subject of meeting in person. You weren't sure how it'd go over so you held it in.

With everything starting to fall together, it made sense that something had to give. It just happened that the thing that finally did break was your sister.

A panicked phone call from your mom had you grabbing your stuff in the middle of the night to catch a taxi. Usually you'd take the subway but work had given you a raise so you weren't worried about money anymore.

You just wanted to be with your sister.

You made your way to her room. Inside was your mom and dad, but her bed was empty.

“Where's Kris?”

Your dad looked up at you, tears in his eyes.

“They took her back. They are going to check on the baby but there's a chance they may have to do an emergency c-section.”

Fear gripped you. You covered your mouth with your hand as you let yourself slump into their waiting arms.

“You said she had a seizure? Do they know what caused it?”

It was your mom who answered as she wiped away a tear from your cheek.

“They said it could be any number of things. The neurologist is with her just in case.”

For the next hour you watched your parents pace nervously around the private hospital room. At some point your mom sat down, her eyelids drooping as she tried to force herself to stay awake.

“I'm gonna go get us some coffee,” you offered quietly as you went over to your mom to squeeze her hand. “You guys want anything else?”

“No sweetie,” your mom said gratefully as she released your hand. “Coffee should do the trick.”

Despite telling them that you would get it, your dad handed you his card. You grabbed your phone and your wallet before you slipped into the hallway.

Hospitals always freaked you out, but there was something especially disconcerting about a hospital at almost four in the morning.

You'd visited Kris enough to be able to find the vending machine without any help. You stared at the coffee machine with tired eyes for a few minutes as you tried to force yourself to calm down.

Kris was fine. She was surrounded by doctors. Her and the baby were going to be fine.

Without thinking, you pulled your phone out of your pocket and pulled up your thread with Billy. After a moment of hesitation, you told him what was going on.

My sister had a seizure. They took her back to do some tests. They may have to do a c-section for the baby. I've been at the hospital for over an hour and I'm worried shitless.

You weren't sure why you sent the text at first. You'd needed comfort and he was the first person you could think of to give that to you.

While you looked around for a tray to be able to carry the cups back to the room, you felt your phone start to vibrate. Only it didn't just vibrate once, but continuously.

A phone call.

A look at the display showed Billy's name flashing. Your first instinct was to freeze but you knew that if you missed this window, chances were you wouldn't get a second chance.

You quickly swiped to answer the call.

“Hello?”

The silence that met you made you wonder if he'd dialed you on accident. But then…

“Y/N,” he greeted, his voice different than what you expected somehow. “I thought maybe a phone call would be more appropriate than a text message right now.”

His voice was smooth. There was a bit of a New York accent mixed in there, soft enough that you only hear it on some of the words. You didn't think you'd have heard it if you hadn't been listening so intently.

“Yeah, that’s uh, that's a good guess. I'm sorry if I woke you.”

There was a deep, rich chuckle on the other end of the line that made your breath catch.

“Nah, I wasn't sleeping. I was working out when I saw your text.”

Working out. Your mind tried to conjure the image but without knowing what he looked like, nothing came to you.

“You okay?” Then you heard him swear slightly under his breath. “Fuck, of course you're not okay. I just meant–”

“I know what you meant,” you offered easily, because you did. “I appreciate it, really. I can't tell you how nice it is to finally put a voice to a name.”

There was a beat of silence where you had to wonder if you'd said the wrong thing. Then he was speaking once again.

“I don't want to keep you while you're probably with your family. I just wanted to say that I'm here if you need to talk to someone. Anytime, day or night,” he added, his voice a little lower than it had been before.

A jolt of heat went through you at that tone, but you shook your head. Not only was now not the time, but he'd already told you that he wasn't flirting with you. You needed to get over yourself.

“Thanks Billy,” you said with as much sincerity as possible. “I'll text you when I know more?”

A beat of silence and then, “Or you can call. I don't have any plans so I'm here if you need me.”

A surge of affection went through you for this man you barely knew.

“Thank you for that. I'll call once I know more,” you promised.

After a quiet goodbye from both of you, you ended the call. It had been absolutely thrilling to hear his voice for the first time.

You just wished it was under better circumstances.

------

You sent the pictures to Kenny and Ethan; they had both been checking in with you since they woke up and saw your message on the bathroom mirror.

The first picture was just of the baby. He had been asleep, swaddled in a blue and white checked blanket. He had your sister’s nose and your mom swore that the face he made when he was sleeping was just like the one you’d made as a baby.

The second picture was of you holding the baby. You looked exhausted but so happy, a smile on your lips as you looked down at the bundle in your arms. Your dad had snapped the picture and sent it to you.

Kenny and Ethan reacted with multiple exclamation marks and emojis that made you laugh. Kenny was also the one that asked how your sister was doing.

She’s sleeping right now, but the doctors think she’ll be okay. She’s gotta stay here for a while, but the baby will be in the NICU for at least another week before he can be released so it works out.

The room was quiet, your sister’s breathing mixing in with the machines that were monitoring her. Your parents had gone home to rest for a few hours before they’d come back. You didn’t mind watching over your sister for the time being.

There weren’t any new messages from Billy, but you still brought up the thread. You told him you’d keep him updated and you had for the most part, but the last few hours had been so chaotic that you hadn’t reached out in a bit. You knew he wouldn’t blame you for that, but you wanted him to know that things were okay.

You tapped to add a photo to the text message. You hesitated after you added the picture of the baby, your eyes on the other photo you had been sending people. Did you want to cross that line? He’d know what you looked like if you did that. Did you care?

There was a small part of you, the part that still shied away from men with the vivid memory of Paul in your head, that told you not to send it. But the rest of you wanted to take that leap.

There was something about Billy that made him the exception to most of your rules.

With that in mind, you added the second photo as well. You went back to the text and typed in A healthy baby boy. And I swear this isn’t the first time I’ve held a baby, he’s just so small.

Your heart thundered in your chest as you sent the pictures. You closed your eyes for a second before you locked the phone and put it down on your lap.

Kris was still asleep, her nose crinkling as she dreamed. She hadn’t gotten to hold the baby yet; once she was out of surgery and the doctors were certain she wasn’t going to have another seizure, she’d been brought back to the room but she was sleeping it all off. You wanted to be here when she woke up in case she freaked out about obviously not being pregnant anymore; you weren’t sure if she was aware that the she’d had the baby.

Your phone started to buzz and you smiled down at it to see that Billy was calling you again. You went over to the corner of the room, looking out through the window as you accepted the call.

“Hey, you didn’t have to call again,” you said quietly, perching on the counter with the window at your back, “I just wanted you to know that everything was okay. My sister, the baby, they’re both fine.”

“That’s wonderful Y/N,” he said, a smile obvious in his voice, “but I also wanted to check in on you. You’ve been at the hospital for almost twelve hours. Just wanted to make sure you’re taking care of yourself while all this is happening.”

You looked over at Kris and couldn’t fight the smile that overtook you.

“I’m great. Kris, my sister, is doing great. The baby is healthy and he’ll be able to go home in about a week. I’ve been so worried about what was going to happen that this feels like a lead weight being lifted from my soul. And yeah, I’m tired, but my parents will be back up here soon and then I can go home and crash for a few hours.”

“I’m glad she’s okay. And the kid too. What’s his name?”

You laughed as you stretched out your legs a bit, leaning back against the window.

“Kris has a few ideas, but she wanted to actually hold him before she decided on a name. I’m half tempted to pretend like I named him something ridiculous while she was asleep.”

That got a laugh from him. The two of you sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments. You watched your sister shift a bit in her sleep, her lips smacking as she did. You could see where the baby got it from.

You were just about to tell Billy that you should go, because you thought that Kris might be close to waking up, but his voice interrupted your thoughts.

“That was you, right, in the picture?” At your hesitant assent that yes, it was you, you heard him let out an audible breath. “You uh, don’t look how I pictured you.”

You bit your lip, ducking your head as you tried to come up with a response to that.

“Is that a good thing? Or…”

Whatever Billy’s answer would have been, you didn’t get a chance to hear it. Your sister let out a loud groan, her hand going to her stomach. You quickly told Billy you’d have to call him back, ending the call and letting the phone rest on the windowsill as you moved over to Kris’s side.

“Where–”

You grasped her hand and waited until her eyes met yours before you smiled down at her.

“Morning sis. You’re on a lot of drugs right now, so you’re probably a little out of it. How much do you remember?”

Her free hand went up to her head. She was blinking rapidly as if trying to clear her fogged senses.

“I had a headache. I think I remember a nurse asking me some questions, maybe? And then they said something about the baby?” Her hand went to her stomach once more, her eyes widening. “Is he okay?”

“He’s great,” you said with a smile, feeling her relief race through her body. “They had to do a c-section, but he’s great Kris. They want to keep an eye on him for a week, but I think they’ll be keeping an eye on you for the same amount of time so it’ll be okay.”

She slumped back into her pillows a little.

“Can I see him?”

You smiled and gave her hand a squeeze before you pulled back.

“I’ll go get a nurse so that someone can go get him.”

Once in the hall, you let out a breath to release the tension you had been holding for a while. Relief spread through you like a physical presence. The baby was okay. Your sister was okay. And in a few moments, your sister would get to meet her son for the first time.

It was going to be okay.

------

You grabbed your phone to take a few candid pictures of Kris meeting the baby for the first time. You unlocked it and saw a text from Billy. Since the nurse wasn’t there with the baby yet, you quickly opened the message.

It’s definitely not a bad thing. I’ll talk to you later.

A smile spread over you at that, warmth curling in your stomach. You didn’t want to think that way, but you wondered if maybe Billy was pleasantly surprised by your looks. If there was even a small part of him that had found you attractive.

Casting that to the side for the time being, you opened up your camera. You were just in time to catch your sister bursting in tears the moment the nurse carried the baby into the room.

------

Things started to come together after that.

The job had gotten better now that you’d been doing it longer. Your bosses had been pleased with your work and even mentioned maybe turning you into a trainer at some point.

Kris had moved in temporarily with your parents while she healed up. You went to Jersey to see them as much as you could. Well, mostly just to see baby Liam.

And then there was the thing with Billy. Since he had made the leap into phone calls, the two of you were in near constant contact. You still preferred to send a text and see if he could talk, but he never turned you down.

The only time you called him without checking first was your first night in your new apartment. Kenny and Ethan had left with the half empty pizza box, leaving you in the middle of your living room floor with a thing of beer and all of your boxes from storage.

It wasn’t a lot, but it was yours. You had been so happy that you had grabbed the phone and called Billy without hesitation.

“Hey,” he greeted sounding pleased to hear from you. “This is a nice surprise. What’s up?”

You smiled and leaned back so that you were lying down in the middle of the floor.

“I am about to spend the first night in my own apartment and I owe it all to you,” you said with a smile so wide that it hurt your cheeks. “If you hadn’t sent me those listings, I don’t think I ever would have found this place.”

Or maybe you would have but it would have taken a lot longer.

“I’m glad it’s working out for you,” he said with a smile in his voice, “you deserve it Y/N. I’m just glad that I was able to do something to help.”

You thought back to the first time you had messaged him, on accident or not, and how he had said that people wouldn’t go to him for comfort. And now when something happened to you, good or bad, he was the first person you thought of.

That thought stayed with you for a while after that conversation. Somehow this man who you hadn’t meant to contact had become very important to you. And it was more than it had started out to be. You would honestly say now that the two of you were actual friends.

But maybe you wanted more than that. Or maybe you just wanted more than you had. The texts, the phone calls, they made your days better. But you would like to actually meet the man that meant so much to you.

You just weren’t sure how to broach the subject.

A few weeks after you moved into your apartment, you were on the phone with Billy while he complained about something with his company. He always kept it vague, but from what you could tell, he was having problems with some of his outsourced help.

You weren’t sure where the courage came from, but you said the words before you could think twice.

“You know, if you wanted to get together for a drink and complain about this in person, I can think of a few places nearby that have pretty good food.”

The silence was almost deafening.

“I don’t, well, I don’t think that’d be a good idea.”

It felt like a kick to the chest. You hadn’t been aware how much you’d been hoping for this until it was pulled away.

“Oh, yeah, I understand,” you said, hoping that he couldn’t hear the disappointment in your voice. “It was just a thought. Don’t worry about it.”

Embarrassment and rejection spread over you, heat filling you face as you tried to think of any way to change the subject. You were also thinking about maybe changing your name and leaving the city, but only a little bit.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” he explained quickly, his words a rush as if he knew what you were thinking. “I’d love to get a drink with you. I just don’t think right now is a good time.”

Did he mean right now as in today, a nondescript Tuesday? Or did he mean at this point in your friendship?

“Okay,” you said quietly, drawing the word out a few extra seconds. “Well let me know if you change your mind?”

“I will,” he promised, his voice a little more sure than it was before. “I will.”

------

The picture of you from the hospital was the first that you sent, but not the last. It wasn’t always of you but of something you came across, but just like the phone calls, it was a change in the routine. Every now and then there would be part of you in the photo. And then finally you just took the dive and sent him a selfie of you on the subway one day.

The longest part of my day is what you had captioned the photo. You were pulling a face to the camera, but you still thought it looked like an okay picture.

You saw when he opened the message. You saw him start to type and then watched the bubble disappear. That happened twice more before a response finally came through.

You look amazing for someone who spends all day talking about medical waste.

As if those two things were mutually exclusive, but you had a feeling he just wanted a reason to compliment you. You smiled and started to respond but a message came through from him.

It was a photo. Your heart started to race in anticipation and you couldn’t help the disappointment when you opened it to see that it wasn’t a photo of him. Not really.

It was a desk with papers scattered over it. There was a glass of some amber liquid and a hand wrapped around the glass. It was a nice hand, you thought with a smile.

This is how I spend most of my evenings these days

It might not be his face, but it was something. You weren’t sure what it was about him, but you could tell that he had walls up. Considering you had refused to give him your name for the first few weeks that you knew each other, you couldn’t really blame him.

It opened up something new once more. Now he replied to your photos with pictures of his own. There was never a picture of his face, but the photos did help you start to piece together a mostly complete image of the man you talked to.

He was tall, if the length of this legs were any indication. You were more than a little obsessed with his hands; it wasn’t just dirty thoughts although there were plenty of those. You could also tell from a few pictures that included his torso that he wore a lot of suits. There was even one picture where he’d been in bed that you spent a lot of time thinking about.

There’s no way he could take a picture of his bare stomach and his legs which were barely covered by a sheet and think that it was in any way platonic. You spent a lot of time staring at the lines of his abs because it kept you from trying to figure out if the bulge was from the sheet being bunched up or… from something else.

You decided to test a theory. If he was going to send that picture without a hint as to if you should comment or not, you were going to do the same. As you got ready for sleep, you decided to do something different than your usual ratty t-shirt and sweats.

It wasn’t easy to take the picture. You weren’t wearing a shirt or a bra, but you were on your stomach so nothing was visible except your bare back. And the soft cotton shorts that looked more like underwear than anything else. You positioned the camera so that it caught the fact that you were nude from the waist up. With your head on the pillow, you gave a lazy smile to the camera and snapped the picture.

Once you were satisfied that it looked alright but not like you were trying too hard, you added a caption and sent the photo to Billy.

Sweet dreams!

You quickly got up and put on the ratty t-shirt that you had had on standby. You left on the shorts because they were actually pretty comfortable. By time you got back to the bed, your phone was blinking with a message.

From Billy. As if it could have been anyone else.

I don’t think sweet is the word to describe my dreams after that

You bit your lip as you rolled over in the bed, typing up a response.

Oh? And what word would you use?

His reply came in seconds of him reading your text.

Wet

Your breath caught in your throat at that simple word and what he meant by it. Heat spread down your chest and lower, so much lower. You clenched your legs together, burying your face into your pillow as you tried to calm your breathing. So he wasn’t as unaffected by you as you had once thought.

Your phone buzzing had you sitting up in a hurry. Billy was calling you. After those texts, you weren’t sure you could talk to him without bursting into flames.

Finally, something good came from the two of you only talking over the phone and not in person.

“Hello?” God, were you really that breathless? Way to be obvious.

“Hey,” he greeted back, his voice almost apprehensive. “Listen, I didn’t want to do this over a text. If I overstepped with that, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said something like that without–”

“Yeah, please don’t take that back. Not unless you didn’t mean it,” you added because now you were feeling a little insecure.

You heard him let out an audible sigh.

“I meant it,” he said lowly, his voice making your stomach flip. “You’re gorgeous. And that photo? Kind of broke me.”

“Oh. Well there’s always more where that came from,” you teased as you fingered the hem of your shirt.

He groaned, the noise loud in your ears. You couldn’t help but wonder in what other circumstances he’d make noises like that. If you could make him make that sound again. How it would feel against your skin.

“Y/N, if you–”

He was going to give you a chance to back down with your dignity intact but you’d decided that dignity wasn’t that important right then.

“Do you want me to tell you what I thought when you sent me that first picture? The one where you were holding a glass of alcohol and surrounded by papers?”

“Sure.” His voice was so low that you barely heard it.

“I was thinking about your fingers. They looked long, strong. I couldn’t help but wonder what they’d be good at. Playing the piano, maybe. But I also thought they’d be good at other things. And I couldn’t stop thinking about what they’d look like against my skin.”

It wasn’t the sexiest thing you’d ever said, but you’d never done this before. It was new territory for you but like so many other times, you jumped head first in with Billy at your side.

“You sent that one picture of you in a skirt and all I could think about was sliding my hand up your thighs.” He seemed almost timid as he spoke, as if he wasn’t sure this is what you wanted. At your very approving noise, his tone got a little more confident. “Wanted to know if I could make you come apart with just my hands.”

You bit your lip as you squeezed your thighs together again.

“Considering how good you’re doing with just your voice? I’m pretty sure you’d have no trouble with your hands.”

He laughed, low and short. You had the phone pressed so hard to your ear that you were pretty sure you could hear his breathing pick up at that.

“You thinking about my hands on you? Running up your thighs? That picture didn’t leave much to the imagination,” he reminded you in a downright filthy tone, earning a muffled moan as your hips gave aborted little thrusts. “What about you, huh? Have you ever touched yourself and thought about me?”

You hadn’t. It felt like a betrayal of your friendship so you never crossed that line. But now? You dragged your nails up your thigh, biting your lip at the feeling. Then you cupped yourself, the heel of your palm pressing down against your clit through the shorts.

“I am now,” you whispered, voice breathy and stuttered as you thrust against your hand. “Have you? Thought about me like that?”

You needed to know. His answer was a moan, deep and guttural as if he was taking himself in hand.

“I wish I could see that,” you said with a laugh as you slipped your hand under your shorts, fingers slipping between your folds to tease at your clit. “It’s not just your dreams that are wet,” you teased breathlessly.

He moaned again, earning a grin from you.

“You’re wet just from my voice? Like it that much?” His breath audibly hitched. “Fuck I don’t think I’ve been this hard this fast before. Pretty sure I’m lightheaded.”

You laughed, biting your lip as your fingers continued to play with your clit. You’d never laughed while doing something like this before. Sex with Paul had always been either perfunctory or a terrifying experience. And before then it was always just both you and your partners trying to get off and get gone.

Your relationship with Billy, as strange as it was, was the first time you’d ever felt like this before.

“Only enough blood to work one head at a time,” you joked, your eyes closing as you started to push a finger inside. “Your hands look bigger than mine. I wonder how many fingers I could take.”

“Fuck Y/N,” he said around a groan, a slight laugh at the end. “I bet you could take however many I gave you. Bet I could make you scream.”

You bet he could too. You back arched as you pumped two fingers in and out, the heel of your palm rubbing almost painfully against your clit. It’d been a long, long time since you’d been this turned on and you knew you wouldn’t last long. You bit your lip to hold in a whine, but Billy’s voice called out to you.

“C’mon, you don’t have roommates anymore. Lemme hear you. Don’t hold back,” he half pleaded, half demanded, his own breathing coming out in bursts. He must be close too.

You let down your guard, letting him hear the noises you made. Normally you’d be too embarrassed but right then, all you wanted to do is let him hear you as you came apart at the seams. You arched and writhed as your hand moved, fucking yourself hard and fast. Your other hand released the phone, trapping it between your ear and shoulder so that you could reach under your shirt and squeeze your breast.

“Billy,” you called on a gasp, his name tearing out of you as you got closer to your climax. “Please Billy, I’m so close.”

You weren’t sure what you were asking for. You were dizzy with arousal, your whole body aching with need and so close to release. Whatever you wanted, Billy seemed to understand your pleas.

“C’mon Y/N, come for me. Lemme hear you. Imagine it’s my hand on you, making you feel that good. C’mon, let go.”

You cried out wordlessly as your orgasm finally crashed over you, clamping your thighs together so hard you were worried you might break your own hand. You came back to your senses in time to hear as Billy swore through his own orgasm, your name falling off his lips a few times.

You slumped back on the bed, chest heaving as you fought for air. You knew you’d never come like that before, never felt your body lose all energy the moment it passed. If that’s what you had been missing all this time, no wonder people talked about sex all the time.

And that wasn’t even sex. That was just you with your own hand and Billy’s voice in your ear. Imagine how it’d be in person.

That felt like a splash of ice cold water. You sat up in the bed, pulling your hand out of your shorts and wincing as wiped your hand off on your shirt. You were holding the phone to your ear still, but it was quiet on the other line.

Maybe he had fallen asleep? It would be for the best. You needed to think. Before you could figure out if you should just hang up, Billy’s voice called to you.

“Is it… are you okay?”

How honest should you be? You bit your lip. Then you curled your legs up and into your chest.

“I just… wasn’t expecting that? That we did something like that and I’ve never even seen your face.”

You just wanted to be honest with him. After what you’d just shared, surely you owed him that much. His continued silence made you start to feel a little uncomfortable but you didn’t say anything.

“Without seeing my face, you can imagine whatever you want,” he said bitterly, surprising you.

“I don’t want to imagine anything or anyone else. I just would like to have been able to picture you, is all.”

He spoke before you could try to explain.

“Well we don’t have to worry about it, because it won’t happen again.”

You called his name, but the line dropped. With tears starting to gather in your eyes, you tried to call him back but it went straight to voicemail.

You hesitated as you brought up your text thread. Biting your lip, you typed up a message to him.

I don’t know what I did wrong. I know that you have your reasons for not showing me your face, but after that? You have to know that I don’t care what you look like. If that’s what this is about. I just want you Billy, no matter what.

You hadn’t meant to be that honest with him, but you couldn’t deny it anymore. You wanted Billy; you wanted his friendship, you wanted his wit, you wanted his deep philosophies, you wanted his corny jokes. You wanted a chance to meet the man you were falling for.

You stared at the little notification that would tell you he had read the message, but it didn’t appear. The longer you stared, the harder it got to see because tears had started to fall.

Even when you finally went to sleep, there was nothing to show that Billy had read your message.

------

“You look like shit,” Kenny said as he stepped into your apartment. “No seriously, I haven’t seen you this bad since Paul. What’s going on?”

You wiped at your eyes and gestured for him to follow you to the couch. There you grabbed your phone, a comforting gesture. It’d been five days and you still hadn’t heard from Billy. Sometime the morning after he’d hung up on you, you’d noticed that he had read the message you sent. But there still hadn’t been a reply.

He ignored all of your phone calls. You sent a few more texts, asking him to please talk to you, but they were met with silence.

They were all read, but none of them were replied to. It hurt so much that you finally stopped texting him. But it didn’t mean you gave up on hoping for a reply.

Kenny mentioning that he hadn’t seen you like this since Paul had almost made you laugh. You felt pathetic, but you knew it was true. As your best friend wrapped his arm around you, you buried your face into his shoulder and let yourself cry for the first time since that night.

“Y/N, you’re scaring me. What happened?”

It took a few tries before you finally explained it.

“Remember how I said I contacted that Curtis guy? Well, it turns out I had the number wrong and I got someone else instead.” Kenny started to get worried, but you shook your head as you tried to wipe away your tears. “It was this guy who was funny and nice and even though he wasn’t who I meant to talk to, I kept in touch with him. We’ve been talking for a few months now.”

You explained it all to him. For the first time, you laid it all out on the table. You started with how much his original messages helped you, to your drunken text about him not talking about himself, to him calling while you were at the hospital with Kris, to the flirty texts and pictures. You didn’t exactly mince words when you told him about the phone sex, although you didn’t go into detail.

And you ended it by telling him about Billy’s reaction when you mentioned how you’d never seen his face before.

“He just hung up? And now the bastard is ghosting you? Give me your phone, let me give him a piece of my mind,” he joked as he reached for your phone. Then he reached out to cup your cheek. “Forget him babe. If he can’t see that you were genuinely interested in him without even seeing him and therefore wouldn’t give a damn if he looked like a tree, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

You knew he’d say something like that because that was just the kind of guy Kenny was. You leaned into his arm and sighed, your eyes darting over to your phone.

“Easier said than done,” you complained lightly.

Even if you could forget him, you weren’t sure you really wanted to. Despite how it ended, knowing Billy had really opened you up. You didn’t want to forget that too.

------

“Who is a handsome boy? That’s right, it’s you,” you cooed at Liam, bouncing him a bit in your arms. “God you made one cute kid sis. It must have skipped you and gone straight to him.”

Kris swatted at you with the towel she was folding.

“I thought you came over here to spend time with us, not insult me. Just for that, you’re on diaper duty.”

You grinned at her and then looked back down at the baby in your arms. As far as you could tell, he didn’t look anything like his deadbeat dad who had disappeared the moment he found out he’d knocked your sister up. She had never really been scared to do it alone, not in the way you had expected her to be. No, her fear hadn’t come until they told her it was a high risk pregnancy.

But it worked out in the end. There was a happy baby boy that was healthy as an ox and your sister was all patched up too. She’d even probably be able to have more kids down the road if she wanted.

You’d finally told Kris everything about Billy. She had taken the high road and hadn’t said ‘I told you so’ even though she had. She’d told you that you’d get attached and get hurt, but you’d ignored her.

It was your job as her little sister to not listen to her. You were pretty sure you’d signed a contract at birth.

“You thinking about that douchebag again?”

You snorted as you looked over at Kris. She was sitting in the recliner with laundry piled up on the coffee table, grinning at you as she folded it all. And while once upon a time douchebag would have referred to Paul, you knew she meant it about Billy this time.

“Kenny said I should forget him,” you replied as you looked back down at Liam who was yawning, his eyes starting to droop.

“I always liked that guy,” Kris said as she handed you Liam’s pacifier.

You pressed it against his lips and watched as he immediately put it into his mouth, the gentle sound of sucking filling the silence as he slowly started to drift off. You tucked him up into your arms and rocked back and forth to help lull him to sleep.

“The thing is, I don’t want to forget Billy. Meeting him, our conversations and what came of it? It showed me that I can open up to people still. After everything with Paul, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to that point again, but I did. And it’s because of Billy.”

Kris raised her eyebrow at you, obviously not believing that was all.

“And because you’re still in love with him, right?”

Well. You’d never been able to lie to your sister.

“Yeah, apparently,” you sighed as you looked down at Liam. “It’s been almost two weeks. If I can’t forget Billy, maybe it’s at least time for me to try to move on.”

It was the least you could do.

------

The company you were going to was actually the one that Ethan worked for. He had told you that he’d meet you at the front door so he could lead you around. Apparently the company had recently added a medical aspect and your company needed to make sure that they were not only equipped for anything they might take on, but also that they were prepared for any disposals.

Ethan met you at the front of the large warehouse like he said, grinning at you as he did.

“Welcome to Anvil,” he said as he held the door open for you. “I don’t know what all you need to see or do; Mr Russo doesn’t work from the office much since the accident.”

You pulled your tablet out of your bag and looked over at Ethan curiously as you unlocked it.

“The accident?”

Ethan motioned to his face before he opened another door for you, showing you into a large open space where people were working out and sparring.

“It’s the reason he looked into expanding with a few medics on the payroll. He was doing a job with one of his teams and there was an accident. Huge explosion, killed a few guys. He had been pulling the client to safety and got hit in the face by shrapnel.” He gestured to his face again, lowering his voice as the two of you passed by some of the recruits that were sparring. “He’s pretty scarred up. Guy was ridiculously hot before the accident and I think it’s the vanity that makes him stay home as much as he does now.”

You felt sympathy for this Mr Russo. You couldn’t imagine having to face a life after becoming disfigured like that. Hopefully he had people in his life that helped him.

“He’s still pretty hot, actually,” Ethan said as he bumped into your arm. “I’ve thought about hitting on him just so he knows that he’s not some kind of monster.”

You laughed and rolled your eyes. Before you could say anything else, Ethan gestured to a set of doors that were labeled Medical Office. When you pushed them open, you saw a few people milling around what resembled a doctor’s office.

“Guys, this is Y/N Y/L/N from that one medical company. She’s here to make sure we aren’t idiots when it comes to syringes,” Ethan joked with a wink in your direction. “Y/N, this is Jake Pell, Lorraine Morrow, and Curtis Hoyle. They are our medics.”

The name almost didn’t register, but then you were struck with it. The black man who was the third to shake your hand was the guy you were supposed to have sent a text to. Kenny had given you this man’s number in your time of need.

“Uh, hi,” you greeted, pulling your hand back and clearing your throat. You needed to be professional right now. “It’s not that we think you guys are idiots, but the government has very specific regulations for these kind of things. It’s my job to go to labs, medical offices, and apparently security firms who open medical offices to make sure that everyone is properly trained.”

Lorraine and Jake seemed to defer to Curtis, so you ended up spending more one on one time with him that you thought you would. Somehow you were able to curb your urge to tell him that you’d almost met him once more.

But every time you thought about mentioning it, mentioning that Kenny had tried to give you his number so that you could talk to someone, you thought about who you ended up talking to instead. At least this time when your mind went to Billy, there was a reason.

And you remembered that Billy had mentioned that he thought he knew the Curtis you had mentioned. The thought of Curtis knowing Billy, maybe knowing how to reach him since you had been ignored, made your chest hurt.

And yeah, maybe part of you wondered if there was any chance that Billy had mentioned you. Somehow you doubted it.

At some point in your tour around the office, making sure everything was up to standards, Curtis got a text message.

“Ah, the boss man is here,” he said as he looked up at you. “Does he need to be down here for this?”

“Well you three are the medics, so technically I just need to make sure that you guys know what you’re doing. But I do need him to sign a few things actually.”

Curtis nodded and typed something up. After a few moments, his phone dinged and he read it quickly.

“He’s gonna be in his office for a while. Once we’re done here, I can walk you up that way.”

You kept that in mind as you went over the rest of the information with them. Once you were satisfied, you had them sign off on the procedures. Then you turned to Curtis and gave him a smile.

“Lead the way Mr Hoyle,” you said with a nod.

Curtis walked beside you through the halls. You’d noticed the peculiar gait he had and it took a moment to realize that he probably had a prosthetic limb. You started to feel bad for asking him to take you but you remembered that he had offered.

At the office, you remembered what Ethan had said about Mr Russo’s scars. At least you would be prepared. You didn’t want the man to feel worse than he probably already did considering he apparently often hid himself from the world.

Curtis knocked on the door and pushed it open.

“Miss Y/L/N needs your signature,” he said before he stepped out. “It was nice to meet you. Thanks for the training.”

“Of course Mr Hoyle, thank you. I’ll email you all the copies of what you signed when I get back to the office.”

When you stepped into the office, you saw Mr Russo behind his desk. He was looking up at you curiously and you tried not to stare. You crossed over to his desk with the tablet in hand.

You knew what Ethan had meant. Yeah, the scars were bad, but he was still ridiculously attractive. It really wasn’t fair.

“Good afternoon Mr Russo. I just need a few signatures on these procedures. I’m going to email you and your people copies so you can look over it and reach out if you have any questions.”

Mr Russo still stared up at you, but the curiosity had turned to blatant staring at some point. You shifted on your feet as you held the tablet out, wondering why he wasn’t reacting at all.

Did you need to go get Curtis again?

“Mr Russo?”

He seemed to snap back to focus. He grabbed the tablet from you, standing up and walking over to your side as he looked it over. He removed the stylus and signed the first page, gesturing to you with it. You looked it over from the side and flipped through to the next page where you needed his signature.

“Right there,” you said as you tapped the box so he could sign something hastily. “Aaaaand here,” you added as you flipped to the next one.

Once he had finished signing, he held the tablet out to you. You reached out for it with a smile, your eyes darting from his intense gaze to the device. You reached out to accept the stylus but froze.

You had stared at some of the photos Billy had sent you for a long time. Almost to the point where you thought you could draw his hands from memory. Was it completely insane for you to think that these hands looked so much like his?

You looked back up and met his eyes as you took the stylus, your finger brushing against his. His mouth opened slightly, those dark eyes narrowing in on you.

“Thank you Mr Russo,” you said softly, uncertain. It was all in your head, right? You just missed Billy. “I’ll email the copies as soon as I can. It’s been a pleasure.”

You held your hand out to him and waited. After a moment, he wrapped his hand around yours, giving it a quick, perfunctory shake.

After you had your hand back, you slid the tablet back into your bag. You were very aware that Mr Russo was still staring at you. You gave him a brief smile and turned to leave, unsure what else to do.

As you reached the door, he spoke for the first time since you’d walked in.

“Y/N,” he called, his voice strained.

How… Curtis had referred to you as Miss Y/L/N and you hadn’t introduced yourself. It was the first thing that you thought when he’d said your name.

And then you realized that you recognized the voice. It was different in person, but it was still so familiar.

You’d missed it so much these past few weeks.

Back tense, you turned to look at him. He was still standing where you’d left him, his eyes wide as he looked at you. And even though there was no way that this was real, you couldn’t help but respond.

“Billy?”

His eyes widened and you watched him slump against the desk. It was him. After weeks of radio silence, weeks of missing someone you kept being told to get over, you were face to face with him.

You watched him swallow, his mouth working silently for a moment before he said your name again.

“Y/N, I can–”

No. Even the pleasure at hearing him say your name again, in person no less, wasn’t enough to overturn the pain you’d gone through for weeks.

“I’ll forward you the finalized copies shortly Mr Russo,” you said in what you hoped was a professional voice before you turned around to leave.

You barely refrained from running from his office, taking the steps two at a time to the front of the warehouse. You heard your name being called, but it wasn’t from Billy. Ethan was standing nearby, confusion on his face. He made his way over to you, his arm immediately going around your shoulders.

“You okay? You’re shaking,” he said as he looked over his shoulder in the direction you’d just come from. “What the hell happened in there?”

“It’s nothing,” you said, voice shaking and undermining what you were saying. “I’ll explain it to you later E, I promise, but I gotta get out of here.”

He nodded, guiding you towards the doors. You couldn’t help but peek over his shoulder. Billy was in the windows that had been behind his desk, overlooking the training area. You knew he could see you so you turned to look forward again.

“I’m calling Ken though. He’s off work today. I don’t like you leaving while you’re like this. I can ask Russo if I can leave early–”

“No, don’t,” you said in a rush, your eyes almost darting back up to where you’d seen Billy moments ago. “I’ll go straight to my office and finish this up and then I’ll go to your place. Please, don’t leave work because of this.”

You could tell that he wanted to push back, but instead he nodded. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to your forehead, walking you the rest of the way to the front.

“I’m still calling Kenny,” he said with a smile.

You didn’t expect any less.

------

Kenny had pulled you into the office and marched you over to the couch before you even had a chance to knock. After you’d gone to your office to email the papers to the people that needed them, you’d left work a little early and went straight to Kenny and Ethan’s place. And it seemed that Kenny had been waiting for you.

“So I get this long text from Ethan while I’m doing dishes, right? About how you had been at Anvil and the last he’d seen, you were fine, but then you come back and you look like you just saw a ghost. He told me that you wouldn’t let him ask off work to stay with you and he was worried. And I already don’t like my best friend being upset and my boyfriend being upset, but both of them? It was a fun afternoon.”

“Kenny,” you started, but he held up a hand and didn’t let you finish.

“I started to think about what it could have been because you’ve been doing great. Then I remembered that Curtis started to work for Anvil recently. Of course I discarded that idea because Curtis wouldn’t have done anything to hurt you. But then,” he said pointedly, letting you know that this was the part for you to focus on, “then I remembered his boss’s name. William Russo; known to most people as Billy.”

You felt sick. You weren’t even sure if you were crying or if your body was just shaking, but Kenny immediately wrapped his arms around you.

“It was him, wasn’t it? And he was there? How’d you recognize him?”

You wiped at your face but your hand came back dry.

“He uh, he recognized me. He just kept staring at me and I thought… but I wasn’t sure. I was just about to leave and he said my name.”

Him saying your name had always been one of your favorite parts of your phone calls. And the night… well, the night things had gone to hell, him calling out your name? You wished you could say that you didn’t hear it in your dreams, but it’d be a lie.

“Shit. Did he even try to explain why he ghosted you?”

You could vaguely remember him starting to say something before you cut him off. Maybe he had been about to explain, but you couldn’t hear it. You couldn’t listen to anything he had to say.

Kenny took your silence to mean that Billy hadn’t explained. He tugged you back into a hug and sighed, his hand pressing to the back of your head as he held you.

You would have to explain it all to Ethan. You doubted Kenny had betrayed your privacy by telling him before now, but he deserved to know.

You just hoped it wouldn’t affect him at work.

------

It was quiet in your apartment. You’d settled down in the chair, your legs drawn up to your chest as you stared at the muted television. Ethan now knew everything. After you told him what happened and talked to the two of them for a while longer, you had come home.

It’d been a long day and you should want to go to bed, but you knew your dreams would be of Billy. Now you knew what he looked like so it would give those memories and fantasies a face.

Was that why he’d been so against you seeing his face? The scars were bad, sure, but you didn’t care. Even if he hadn’t still been ridiculously attractive, you didn’t think those scars would have changed how you felt about him.

Your phone lit up on the coffee table and you sighed. Kenny had told you he’d call and check in, but you thought he had meant tomorrow.

When you grabbed the device, you nearly dropped it when you saw that Billy’s name was flashing on the screen. In your shock, you let it ring through. Once the screen went dark, you wondered if you should try to call him back.

Did you want to talk to him? You deserved an explanation at least.

Before you could convince yourself to call him back and demand an explanation, the phone started to ring again. This time you answered.

“Well it only took you three weeks,” you said in a flat voice, your hand shaking against your knee. “Granted I’m well aware you wouldn’t have called if I hadn’t come to Anvil, so I guess it shouldn’t count.”

“I wanted to explain at the office, but you didn’t seem like you wanted to hear it.”

You settled into the chair with a frown.

“Because it was three weeks too late, Billy. I tried, you know, I tried to get an explanation from you. Hell, I would have accepted you telling me to fuck off. But instead I just got ghosted. And right after…” You couldn’t fill in that blank, but you didn’t think he needed you to. “So no, I didn’t want to hear your explanation today. I shouldn’t have to hear some bullshit three weeks later just because I was there.”

There was nothing but silence on the other line. You pulled the phone back and saw that it was still connected, so you knew he hadn’t hung up. This time.

“Why did you even… you could have just stayed quiet. I wouldn’t have known that it really was you. I could have just left, no drama.”

He would have known it was you, but you could have been blissfully unaware.

“I thought you deserved to know,” he said softly, to the point that you had to strain your ears just to hear him. And then a little clearer, “What do you mean you wouldn’t have known it really was me?”

You hadn’t realized you’d said that. You closed your eyes but decided what did this matter? You’d already had your heart broken; a little embarrassment was nothing, right?

“Your hands. When I was taking the stylus from you, I saw your hands. They just, well, they just looked familiar. I told myself it was just in my head. That I missed you and that’s why I thought they looked like yours.”

This time the silence was a little more pronounced. You were just about to pull the phone back and check again when he cleared his throat.

“You missed me?”

You felt like cold water had been dumped over your head. It was your turn to clear your throat as you tried to come up with something to say to that, some response. You weren’t sure why you decided to just lay it all out for him, but you were tired of holding it in.

“Yeah, I missed you. You were important to me. You made me happy, even just… just as friends. And then what happened after, well, after what we did, it…” You felt like you couldn’t breathe. You took a deep breath, your eyes screwed shut as you continued. “I don’t think I ever told you about Paul, my ex. He made it so that my whole world revolved around him and then when that wasn’t enough, he got violent. And because of that, you know, I thought I wouldn’t ever get to that place again. I thought that I couldn’t handle intimacy in any form because it was going to make me vulnerable and I never wanted to be in that place again.”

You were crying. You wiped at the tears, but it didn’t matter. It was plain in your voice that you were crying.

“And then I get to that point again, for the first time since everything went to hell, and it’s great. Not just because it’s great,” you stressed, unable to help the little laugh you let out at the word play, “but because it was someone that I trusted and that I thought… someone I cared about. And for a split second, I let myself think that being vulnerable wasn’t that bad. And then my heart is being ripped out of my chest and I’m left to pick up the pathetic pieces.”

The tears were still falling. You felt like your body had been dragged behind a car and all you wanted to do is hang up and go to bed, but you didn’t move. You tried to get your breathing under control, focusing on that first. Once you were sure you weren’t about to break down into sobs again, you tried again.

“I should have listened when my sister and Kenny and Ethan told me to get over you,” you whispered as you wrapped your arm around your legs.

And yet you still didn’t hang up. You rested your head on your knees and waited.

From the other end of the call, you heard his breath catch at that last part. Maybe you shouldn’t have included Ethan in the list, but it was true.

“I pushed you away,” he admitted, his voice thick with tension. “I know it was the coward’s way out, but I had my reasons. I figured if you saw my face that you’d–”

“That I’d what, run away screaming? You thought so little of me that you didn’t trust that I wouldn’t give a damn about some scars?”

“No,” he said in a raised voice, not quite yelling but close enough to make you jerk upwards in surprise, “no, I didn’t think that little of you. I think that little of myself. You never saw me before the accident, but yeah, I’ll admit to being insecure. And I didn’t think I was worthy of this thing with you unless it was anonymous. I figured that way you wouldn’t know what you were missing.”

He had said that without seeing his face, you could imagine whatever you wanted. It made sense, looking back, but it didn’t stop the hurt you felt. He had run away from you because of his scars; he didn’t even give you a chance to show him that it didn’t matter to you.

“If that’s how you felt, you should have just told me to stop. To stop sending the pictures, to stop flirting. When you called me, the things you said, I thought that you wanted me too, but if you didn’t want that, you should have–”

“Of course I wanted you,” he said quickly, drawing you up short in your emotional ramble. “When I realized it was you in my office this afternoon, I felt like I was having a heart attack. I heard your voice and I thought it was you, and then you were there—close enough to touch, to smell your perfume—and you looked so much better in person than you do in pictures. And you weren’t looking at me in fear or disgust. You just… looked at me.”

You let out a watery laugh, running your nails over the cloth that covered your knee.

“My first thought when I saw you was that it wasn’t fair that you were that attractive, actually,” you informed him as you sniffled, wiping under your eyes.

He sighed and you wondered what was going through his head.

“That night when you texted me, after I hung up, you said that you wanted me.”

There was a lump in your throat and no matter how many times you swallowed, it didn’t disappear. It felt like your heart was going to break all over again.

“Yeah, I d–did,” you said, stumbling over the last word and which tense you wanted to use.

You could hear him sigh again, the noise carrying over the line. You bit your lip to keep it from wobbling as you waited to see what he’d say.

“If there’s any chance that you still feel that way or that you might, some day, feel that way again, I just want you to know that I want to try again. No walls this time. I want to take you out on a date and meet your sister and your nephew and Kenny and Ethan—although I already know Ethan, actually—and I want to show you that I can do better. You deserve better and I want to give that to you.”

The tears on your cheeks were fresh. You dropped your forehead to your knees, not sure if you wanted to cry or laugh at that moment.

“You think it’ll just work like that? You want to do better and I deserve better and that erases what happened? Suddenly it doesn’t matter that we have phone sex and then two minutes later you break my heart?”

“I didn’t say that,” he said softly. And then a little firmer, “I know that I fucked up; I’m not denying that. What I’m saying is that I want to make it up to you. I’m sorry for what I did. I was sorry the moment I did it, but I stupidly thought I knew how it’d end so I decided to end it before it got that far. I fucked up. Let me show you how it should have gone.”

You sniffled as you sat up again, the beginning of something brewing in your chest.

“How should it have gone?”

There was an audible sigh of relief on the other end of the line.

“Well when you said that you didn’t want to imagine anyone else, I should have told you about my accident. I should have told you about the scars so that when I sent you a picture, you wouldn’t have been surprised. And then if you were sure that they didn’t bother you, I should have asked you out on a date. Maybe not somewhere too public because I still get looks and I haven’t figured out how to react yet, but somewhere with the two of us. I should have shown you that I was falling for you. And that you were the only thing that I wanted more than I wanted my face back.”

You were crying again, but it wasn’t in pain this time. Or maybe it was, but a different kind of pain. This was loss of something you could have had. Three weeks of silence when it could have been handled so differently.

But you didn’t want to dwell on that. You needed to make a decision.

You looked at the clock on your bookshelf and bit your lip. It was just after eight.

“Do you know that diner a few blocks down from Anvil, the one that’s open all night? I can’t remember the name,” you offered a little helplessly.

“Yeah?” He sounded so hopeful.

“It’s usually empty around this time except for the people that work there and a few college kids. Do you uh, would you want to meet me there?”

You held your breath as you waited for a response, but it was there before you had a chance to think twice.

“I can be there in twenty,” he replied easily. “And Y/N?”

Your name on his lips once more. Butterflies erupted in your stomach at the sound.

“Yeah?”

You could hear a smile in his voice.

“Thank you for giving me a second chance.”

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath.

“Don’t make me regret it Billy, please. I don’t think I could handle that again.”

------

A kiss was placed to your cheek and you looked up, smiling as lips met yours in retaliation.

“Hi,” you mumbled into the kiss, clutching Billy’s collar and pulling him in a little closer. “I missed you.”

He pulled back long enough to mumble the words back before he kissed you again, diving in a bit deeper this time.

“Okay guys, there’s a baby present,” Kris complained with a grin as she switched Liam over to her other arm. “We gotta tell auntie to keep it PG, don’t we? Because she can’t keep her hands off her man and it’s gross.”

Billy settled in next to you in the booth, grinning over at Kris. Kenny and Ethan were on the inside of the half moon shaped booth, both of them rolling their eyes.

“Sorry Kris,” he offered, leaning over to tug on the blanket so that he could see Liam’s face. “And sorry Liam, but one day you’ll meet some girl and you’ll understand.”

“Hey, he could meet some guy,” Kenny complained with a pout, earning a kiss to the cheek from Ethan.

“Let’s not start debating the kid’s sexuality before he’s even a year old,” Ethan said, grinning at Kris as he did so.

“Touche,” Billy said as he raised the beer you had ordered him to his employee. Then he leaned into your shoulder. “Sorry I’m late, by the way. I got stuck in traffic.”

You leaned up and kissed his cheek, a move that had taken you a while to get him used to. You barely noticed the scars on his cheeks and while he was a great deal better now, you knew he still had moments of insecurity.

Hell, it’d taken all this time for him to start being able to go in public again.

“I’ll forgive you this time,” you joked as you laced your fingers with his, pushing a menu between the two of you so that you could both look. “Kenny was just telling us about him walking into his boss’s office and seeing her changing. He’s traumatized and it’s hilarious.”

Billy didn’t even get a chance to say anything before Ethan cut in.

“That’s why I always knock before I go into your office Billy,” he said with a grin, his eyes going between the two of you, “because I feel like I’d respect you more as a boss and Y/N more as a friend if I don’t see you two having sex.”

“Hey!” you cried, laughing even as you felt your cheeks heat up.

“Wait, you two haven’t actually had sex in his office, have you?” Kris looked between your ashamed face and Billy’s very satisfied smirk and let out a loud groan. “You two aren’t allowed to babysit Liam anymore. I don’t trust you guys not to go off into a dark corner to boink. Seriously, at what point in a relationship do you stop wanting to be all over each other?”

“Hopefully never,” Billy said as he brushed his nose against your cheek, making you smile.

“They’ll get out of that stage,” Kenny said with a wave of his hand. “Ethan and I have been together for five years and we’re not that bad.”

You gaped as you looked between the two of them.

“You’re kidding me, right? I had to buy earplugs my third day living with you guys and I was on the other side of the apartment. I feel bad for the people that share a wall with your bedroom.”

As the group dissolved into laughter at that, Kris jokingly scolding the two of them for scarring her baby sister, Billy wrapped his arm around your waist and tugged you in closer to him.

“Maybe because I almost lost the chance to ever get this, I don’t ever want to miss a chance again,” he whispered into your ear, just for you.

You looked up at him and smiled softly. The memory of the pain was so faint that you could almost laugh about it now. He’d more than made up for his poor reaction in the time that passed.

“I love you,” you whispered, pressing a kiss to his lips.

“I love you,” he replied back just as quietly, his lips brushing yours as he spoke. You could see the mischief in his eyes as he glanced over at the table where your friends and family were still distracted. “Wouldn’t want to sneak away to the bathroom or my car, would you?”

You grinned wide, kissing him again.

You really needed to thank Kenny and Ethan for having such horrible handwriting that you couldn’t tell the difference between Billy’s number and Curtis’s. The difference it made in your life was palpable and you couldn’t imagine a life without Billy.

Guess there was no such thing as a wrong number.

X

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#billy russo #billy russo x reader #billy russo imagine #billy russo fanfic #my writing #requests

[icharchivist]

You'll probably burn me for heresy but in the beggining I honestly thought Lavi had a crush on Lenalee and wasn't at all into Allen before reading the49th name ace of spades meta you reblogged/linked to. Now I realize how much I was wrong.

oh my god sweetie no xDD don’t worry about that!

I mean, i have a major Lavi/Allen bias that everyone knows about, that’s why i often repeat i really try to not let my bias affects me even if i feel it’s not working. 

Lavi cares a lot about Lenalee and have a lot of scenes where it focus on it. I personally would argue a lot of them happened after they lost Allen for the first time and probably shook something in Lavi, but that’s my major bias to start with and it doesn’t lessen how much he actually cares for Lenalee and that he has seeds of that affection when he joined the Order as well. 

I mean, i’m a sucker for thematic relationship, so my bias will turn far more easily on Lavi/Allen in general, but Lavi/Lenalee stuff are definitly there, it’s up to everyone’s interpretation.

Personally I know when i reread the manga when it came out of hiatus years ago, i hadn’t read the manga in years then, and I was joking about trying to ship every combinaison of the main four and see excuses for that all the way. It just happened that down the line I couldn’t joke about Lavi/Allen anymore bc it hit too much of my  personal biases (and that I love Kanda/Alma too much for my own good as well, so i’m kinda stuck with only really overthinking those two at all time).

Hell, I think the very last pieces of fictions i’ve ever written were dgm prompts i posted on this very tumblr a few years ago (good luck finding them lmao) and I think I wrote…. 1 Lavi/Allen, 1 Kanda/Alma, 1 Kanda/Allen, 1 Allen/Lenalee and 2 Lavi/Lenalee. I don’t mind them, even those who aren’t my cup of tea. I see the potential of every single of those ships and i see why their dynamics can be interpreted as such in canon, and had done the excercice to play with those dynamics with those lenses in the past, that’s what i’m saying.

I just… really happen to only really care romantically about Kanda/Alma and Lavi/Allen (and even there if you ask me in canon i’d say it’s mostly one sided which breaks my heart. And that’s where fanon and overinterpretation enter but at least i know where to draw the line on this one lmao.). 

And really, shipping on themes might be my speciality but it doens’t mean it is the word of god, and there’s completely valid reasons to read Lavi as crushing on Lenalee (just like i also think Allen lowkey crushed on Lenalee when he arrived to the Order.). 

(also i mean multishipping/OT4 shipping is common in this fandom or at least it was a few years ago, so like hell if i mind. I have my preference sure and i’m mostly a monoshipper, but the reason those exists are because canon fuels it ahah)

So ye, don’t take my thematically “here’s how they affected each other emotionally” analysis to say it’s canon or crush worthy. Hell it’s also completely valid to agree that Lavi was affected emotionally by Allen to the point of opening out his heart, but ending up falling for Lenalee as those emotions started to pour in. That might not be my interpretation, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t be valid, and he cares far enough about Lenalee and has a lot of focus based on how much he cares for her (mainly in the attack on the Order arc) to validate such a reading.

So don’t worry, I don’t judge on this sort of reading ahah. Don’t let my bias fool you i’m pretty chill with anyone’s readings ;O

Take care!

edit: also just to mention the49thname’s meta are freaking amazing and they also changed my life. I think those were the first few meta i’ve read in this fandom that made me more than excited to meta about this manga (and i say that while i was in theory’s forums back in the day, but this was what inspired me). There’s probably bias there as well but those meta were *kisses the sky* and i’m forever glad we have them. It changed everything to me and made me appreciate the manga soo much more. So i’m glad you had also new perspective since them, they’re freaking incredible and totally worth it.

#ichafantalks dgm #mostly i'm just a bit squeaked out by Noah/Exoricst ships that's all #which is freaking hilarious to me since i used to do roleplay of those very ships when i was 15 #an obscure rareship at that but i won't go further on it i'll just say it doesn't have neither Tyki nor Road in it #and it happened 100% because of roleplaying that got out of hand but well that. happened. #so ye even if it's not my thing i get it #i know a few Lavi/Lena fans and i've read their stuff #and they have amazing reasoning and they're incredible in general i support them fully #i don't see a lot of Allen/Lenalee or Kanda/lenalee tbh? not anymore at least #Kanda/Lavi are SUPER RARE nowadays but they always crack me up when i see them #Kanda/Allen is obviously the most popular pairing #... also the one I never managed to get into at all so i'm 100% platonic on them and i have the ship blacklisted #I blame the Alma arc for having messing with my heart too much for that #Link/Allen is shipped a lot too and i kiiinda see it (a lot like.... everyone Link's view of the world had changed with Allen) #But i've never got too much into it either #I completely blame the Ace of Spade and 'You're a dazzling light' for Lavi/Allen #like the Ace of Spade was already hard on me #but using any sort of 'you are light' symbolism is a low blow for me it destroys me right through the heart #*looks at your icon* and you can imagine what i mean by that #so ye really don't worry about that djkhfd #seikyoko #ichareply