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im-a-meteorite · 4 years

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i’ve been marathoning the harry potter movies since im in quarantine and i’ve been taking some notes. i’ll post them all bc why not

sorcerer’s stone

harry knowing that there’s no post on sunday,, a genius

hedwig’s theme playing when harry looks out of the window and sees an owl flying by, very nice

hagrid doing magic at the house on the rock thing,, wouldnt the ministry be able to track that?? since there’s no wizard that lives there, they should be alerted?? or did they remove the trace from hagrid once he got expelled?? like does it work by the trace only or? bc if it doesn’t work by location then how would they know that a muggle witnessed the magic?? idk anymore

the kids staring at the nimbus 2000 and saying its the fastest model yet,, then the camera zooming on the handle w/ the background blurred -> the most straight forward foreshadowing

hagrid is actually the worst person to take harry on his tour situation,, like bro literally left him in the middle of a train station

the weasleys and harry going to the platform while theres a shit ton of ppl walking around,,, statute of secrecy where??

the great hall is on the first floor?? i thought it was on the ground floor

ew the hats

i wish the movies had dumbledore’s weird few words speeches

“theres not one witch or wizard that went bad that wasnt in slytherin” broooo

mcgonagall is so savage i love her

snape is an asshole

a crap ton of chessboards in the great hall study hall scene,, foreshadowing the challenges?

madam hooch really yeeted herself out of neville’s way

✨🥰 oliver wood 🥰✨✨

harry really wiped the troll buggers on his robe,, disgusting

snapes hair is lowkey on fleek tho,,

making most of the slytherins ugly bc they’re the “evil” house is just a disservice to all the inbreeding

hermione setting snape on fire is truly iconic and very extra tbh like sis why tf would u know a spell like that

seasonal transition wasnt that great tbh

overall the directing style is kinda basic

“not in the restricted section,,” rule breaking hermione is the best hermione

dumbledore’s handwriting is so extra and loopy like tf?? but it fits his character

the hedwig flying season transition was good

“immortal?” “it means you’ll never die.” “i know what it means!”

50 points each for being out of bed??? wtf is this point system

filtch saying there’s werewolves in the forbidden forest,,, thats illegal sir

hagrid calling the trio by their first names but draco by his last,, we love favoritism

harry’s thoughts r so ridiculous,, “snape doesnt want the stone for himself, he wants it for voldemort!” lmaoo wtf,, evidence pls sir,, u don’t even know he was a death eater. was it the bad vibes?? bc same

harry figuring out that the person who gave hagrid the dragon egg is voldy,, a genius

“kill us faster?? now i can relax!!” ron is so iconic i love him

“lucky we didnt panic!” “lucky hermione pays attention in herbology”

how is it that harry’s hand burned quirrel but not the skin on harry’s neck?? that shit makes no sense

yeah i really cant imagine this dumbledore fighting voldy in movie 5

hermione’s headband in the reunion scene is so cute i love it

chamber of secrets:

how is dobby even allowed to just jump on the bed?? like is it bc harry isnt his master that he can do smth like that

“dobby has heard about harry potter’s kindness” or whatever,, bro u work for the malfoys either the elves gossip or draco is waxing poetry about harry

aunt petunia saying “we have ice-cream” after that whole affair is just ridiculous

DIAGONALLY

this seems like the extended version bc i dont remember the borgin and bruks scene to be that long

the close ups with lucius and ginny’s books r insane lmao like chris columbus made it so obvious

also mr weasley’s acting is so funny like its so exaggerated

lucius malfoy is so dramatic and extra we love it

also lucius knowing hermione’s name and “draco’s told me all about you”??? bro whats with draco?? lmaoo

snape really got mad with the whole car business

mandrakes r fucking weird bro how did jkr come up with that

PERCY WALKING WITH PENELOPE CLEARWATER??? HOW DID I MISS THAT??

omg colin had so many lines?? wow

omg erol with the fucking howler,, iconic

ron’s facial expressions?? pure comedy, rupret is so good

LOCKHEART REALLY SAID “GOOD GIRL” THEN WINKED AT HERMIONE

“pesky piksy pescinomy” this bitch dumb

“why is it always me?” poor neville

omfg ✨🥰 oliver wood 🥰✨

ahh using the seeker position for fighting

ew draco used the m-word

the shit the basilisk is saying is so lame lmaoo

how does harry not recognize that he’s hearing a different language?? or does parsaltongue act weird

HOW IS THE WHOLE SCHOOL IN THE SAME CORRIDOR???

“i know the counter-curse that could’ve spared her” bitch the dirty looks he got?? omfg

the movies would’ve been 500% better if they had lee jordan’s iconic quidditch commentary

“scarhead” “TRAINING FOR THE BALLET, POTTER?”

“what did you expect?? pumpkin juice??” madam pomfery is a queen

dobby is dumb dumb

“who am i, hedwig? what am i?”

“reading? i didnt know you could read?”

“look at my face” “look at your tail!”

“you can’t cancel quidditch!”

“oh harry, if you die down there, you’re welcome to share my toilet”

lockheart: do you live here? ron: no *smacks him in the head with a rock*

“voldemort is my past, present and future” are all slytherins this dramatic??

the tension between hermione and ron in the last feast was insane

justin filtch fletchy is so ugly im so sorry i cant

prisoner of azkaban:

im sorry but harry doing underage illegal magic pisses me off every time

aunt marge 🤢

“do they use a cane boy?” “oh yeah, i’ve been beaten loads of times”

that whole scene is so chaotic

“you cant do magic outside of school!” “oh yeah? try me”

sirius really dumb for barking at harry like it makes no sense

the knight bus is probably one of the best things in this movie

“whatcha doing down there??” “i fell over” “whacha fell over for?” “i didnt do it on purpose!” “well come on then, lets not wait for the grass to grow”

harry leans over and looks for the grim, stan: “whatcha looking at?”

“yeah take it away ernie,, its gonna be a bumpy ride”

this whole thing is written and directed so perfectly

i hate how they replaced tom bc it really made no sense

all the bits of magic in the leaky caldron is so genius

fudge reminds me of trump but like dumber

the blue lighting and coloring is just great, it fits the colder vibe of the story (not like HBP with the hazy/blurry effect)

ugh the glass and mirror transitions are one of my favorite things,, alfonso curon really did that

i love the weasleys,, also everyone looks great in this movie

omg the scene with arthur talking to harry about sirius with the sirius poster always being in sight?? amazing

contrast of light and darkness just echos the whole dementor vs patronus situation

i dont even understand why remus took the train other than for the nostalgia

the lights slowly turning off in the different carriages?? amazing

the visual representation of the dementors’ effect is great

REMUS!!!

i wish there was more emotion from remus when he’s talking about sirius,, like that was one of his only friends

snape clapping literally twice for remus,, ajhshsh

ahh the placement of the slytherin and gryffindor tables right beside each other to increase the tension and further the plot

oh yea the new dumbledore, also cool hat he has

omg the new fat lady painting

omg the candy scene?? so cute i love lads being lads. that scene just echo’s dumbledore’s light in the dark quote bc its storming outside at night and they’re creating a happy environment within the dark especially with the dementors

ah yes the clock references + following the bird to show us important parts of hogwarts and putting the whomping willow in the forefront

ron’s reading of harry’s tea leaves,, still on point tho. ron really has a knack for divination

buckbeak! omg drapple

draco is so hot especially with that ring also the slytherin pins??

“oh yeah, terribly funny, really witty. god, this place has gone to the dogs”

the kids look so messy i love it + harry’s uneven tie

HERMIONE CLINGING TO RONS ARM!!

“its killed me! your gonna regret this, you and your bloody chicken”

omg the boggart lesson

“riddikulus!” “this class is ridiculous”

fuck snape!

draco really pushed someone with his bandaged arm

remus is such an amazing professor i love him and i just miss him so much

ugh harry in this hoodie?? amazing

remus and harry’s conversation with the music :(( lily :((

wtf is that eye painting??

percy screaming about being head boy,, bro stfu

sirius is such a dramatic little bitch i love it

seasonal changes marked by the wimping willow

“turn to page 394”

what a fucking rude ass bitch,, i hate snape

harry really be seeing the grim everywhere

i wish they had “wheres wood?” “trying to drown himself in the shower”

winter transition with hedwig! + clock tower

“come and join the big boys”

i just adore this scene of the twins giving harry the map (bro i really want a series about the marauders)

whos that skinny bitch with draco???

harry’s way too rash tbh

also mcgonagall being also too nonchalant about the whole marauder’s situation?? like those werent your students

remus is a soft boy dark academia icon

if only dumbledore wasnt a dumbass,, remus could have been uncle moony raising harry with sirius

ron’s nightmare scene?? iconic

“my dad didnt strut. nor do i” umm james potter was also a drama queen sooo probably strutting

“you, YOU FOUL LOATHSOME EVIL LITTLE COCKROACH” “hermione no, he’s not worth it”

sirius’ dog form really looks like a rabid dog omfg

the part where hermione grabs harry while she’s on the wimping willow omfg

“only one will die tonight” YOU DRAMATIC BITCH UR NOT MAKING THIS BETTER

“finally the flesh reflects the madness within” “well you’d know all about the madness within, wouldn’t you remus?”

why the fuck is the shreaking shack is swaying in the wind??

QUARRELING LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE

why the fuck didnt they knock peter out?? like tf?? they’re actually dumb dumb there were so many ways for this to go right

this man really sent 2 13-year-olds on this dumbass mission

buckbeak really beat up remus,, “professor lupin’s having a really tough night”

harry’s a fucking psycho with this patronus bullshit,, i cant

can they stop screaming while flying on buckbeak?? someone might hear them

im still mad sirius didnt get his name cleared,, so much would’ve changed

“we did it” “did what? goodnight” i fucking hate dumbledore and his mindlessness omfg sometimes i wanna punch him in the face

fuck snape for outing remus as a werewolf,,, but also he really didnt have to resign. like istg wheres the marauder energy when it comes to defying everyone??

i wish the movies had went into the marauders’ history :(( its one of my favorite aspects of the series

#harry potter #harry potter movies #philosopher's stone #chamber of secrets #prisoner of azkaban #hermione granger #ronald weasley #remus lupin #sirius black #severus snape #albus dumbledore #minerva mcgonagall #movie marathon #notes #harry potter notes

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dbzebra · 4 years

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☕️ OH YKNOW WHAT AT THAT NOTE? Talk about that dbs broly movie cuz yknow. That’s a hot topic of the ages that folk feel particularly really strongly about

ooooh ive been waiting for this one. We watched this together on discord so you know my general feelings but Im happy i got this ask lol.

putting this under read more cause it gets long

The new movie that everyone seems to love and adore.... that I dont. It was a pretty middle of the ground, meh overrated af movie. Not bad, just nothing special. I enjoyed watching it sure, but not something I have an inkling to return to anytime soon if ever. It was just ‘there’ for me.

First, I’ll say the good stuff. The visuals looked really pretty. Nobody was THAT out of character of the existing cast (save for the ending), which i feel weird to have to even mention it as a positive, but nothing really stood out to me as a defining moment for the little cast we had besides Goku’s “youre not a bad guy, i can tell” or w/e. SUPER SAIYAN 1 IS STILL GOAT. It looked soooo good in this movie i wish we couldve kept it the whole time instead of Blue. But i will say, Blue looked much better in this movie than the series. The darker-blue with the lighter blue eyes was a nice change from instead of the ugly bluish-green the series did. Also the aura looked better. Backgrounds like the ice area and even Planet Vegeta were amazing. Action was great too. little Bulla was cute. The OST i liked (the chanting really grew on me) and Blizzard is a banger i love that song. Oh and the aritisic license they took for the fusion scene with the reds and blues spiraling together was great

Anyway thats all the positives I have lmaoo

This film includes Minus and I already went in depth on why I hate Minus with a passion and why it’s the worst thing to come out of modern Dragon so yeah moving on. But the fact that they devoted screentime to Gokus backstory which ultimately served no purpose to the story of the film and couldve been used more valuably elsewhere.

I said the action was good, and it was, but it almost too good. At times it was so fast to tell that was going on and really lessened the impact for me. Like when they went into the other dimension or whatever, Gogeta went blue and Broly went LSSJ (idc if the name is different name, itll always be legendary SSJ to me lmao) so ast it was a blink and you miss it moment. like what? those moments shouldve been given even a little bit of focus.

Next the cast. Goku and Vegeta. AGAIN. snorefest. no Gohan, Piccolo is just there to show them the fusion, Goten and Trunks are still kids and look like babies (and Pilaf gang is with them which is another can of worms), no Android 17, who the series established as one of the top 4 fighters on Earth.

Do we get any of that? Nope. Just the two Blue and Bluer fucking again and again I. dont. care. anymore. Their dynamic is so boring and played out id rather watch paint dry. It was fun in Buu Saga, hell it was even fun in GT, but DBS constantly forcing this dynamic and Vegeta as the second Main Character needs to fucking STOOOP. Toei and Toriyama has no idea how to further Vegeta’s character because theyre stuck in this infinite loop.

Vegeta doesnt want to help Goku, he mentions Bulma and/or Trunks, Vegeta blushes, and then he decides to help. THAT HAPPENED LIKE SIX TIMES IN DBS ALONE. It happened in Buu saga as well, but it organically worked cause it was the first time but Bulma and Trunks were ALREADY DEAD/ABSORBED. The look on his face wasnt blushy or pouting for a gag, dude was legit shocked. I rag on Vegeta but he had some legit great moments in the early arcs and later parts of Buu Saga. Anyway im off track. They repeat that same exact character moment OVER AND OVER. cant tell you how many times we had “my Bulma, my bulla, my Trunks, my cabba” in the Tournament of Power alone, and this movie is no different.

DO SOMETHING ELSE FFS

Then we have Broly. ohhhhhh boooy Broly. if you can even call this version of him Broly. His backstory is kinda the same as original movie 8/Broly LSSJ, but its more tragic becuase according to most fans, if youre background is a sobstory, that equals better character. NO. sure it could, but that trope was so worn out so long ago I hate it. “waaa his life was bad, hes not a bad guy” bruh i dont care thats not Broly. just make an OC if you wanna do that. but nope. gotta use the marketing! (More on that later)

People like to criticize Z Broly as “he hates Goku cause he cried” or “all he says is Kakarot” which both are false. On the first point, Broly is a psychopath. He was stabbed as an infant and left to die along with Paragus cause he was too powerful. Then that same day Planet Vegeta explodes practically on top of them. The rest of his life hes basically either being controlled or on a rampage. So that one moment of peace is “ruined” by Goku in a sense cause he subconsciously associates that with Goku. On the second point, Broly was already mentally unstable and then nearly dying, getting caught in the explosion of a SECOND PLANET and then being frozen for seven years will fuck anyone up in the head. Z Broly in the original movie was sadistic af and he had a lot of memorable moments and lines that werent just screaming Kakarot, that Second Coming made him infamous for.

New Broly is legit a man-baby. People talk about old Broly having no personality and this new version having a deep character, but I dont see it. He acts like a child when hes with Cheelai and Lemo and then once the fighting starts he doesnt say a single word but yell. SOUND FAMILIAR?? But he gets a pass because the canon police says so right??? fuck off. New Broly is boring. Im tired of trying to make the Saiyans into ThEyRe noT aLl BaD sEe The SaIyAns ArE AcTuAlLy GoOd!!!11111 ugh i hate it. keep Broly a psycho and keep Bardock a prick. even that guy that went with Buzz Lightyear I mean Paragus was a sweet guy who couldnt fight because of course he was. At least they kept Paragus being a prick when he killed him. Tho his death was lame.

Cheelai’s overrated af. Shes just green bulma lmao. and the fact that they included the “big soft-spoken man gets mad and saves girl from drunk lowkey-rapey pervert” trope just had me roll my eyes like dude stop. Lemo was fine? Nothing against him but didnt do much for me either.

FUCK. FREEZA. i went over this one before too so ill be quick with this as well. I hate hate hate the fact that they brought him back not once but twice in DBS, but even worse that they left him alive to do whatever tf he wants including going back to mass murdering people and expanding his army again. Goku and Vegeta just LET HIM LIVE. Why tf did they go all out and attack Broly, but not Freeza? when one of them was fighting Broly th other easily could have taken out freeza but nope we need a token villain like Joker or Skeletor cause unoriginality. Even at the end, Gogeta does a full power blast to wipe Broly tf out, but when Freeza tries to kill Cheelai and Lemo (two innocent people, feelings on them aside) Gogeta basically just shakes his finger like nuh-uh! dont do that! and then he flies off. Just let this mfer die already im sick of seeing his ass. FUCK I HATE IT SO MUCH GFGFFGFGFGF

Lastly this movie is legitimately Dragon Ball Fanservice The Movie.

Gogeta vs Broly, which the games have been doing since fucking 2003, is the main point of this film. Theres no originality whatsoever. Minus is discount Father of Goku special, and then its a mashup of Broly LSSJ and Fusion Reborn (both of which are superior movies imo). This creatively banrkupt shell of a franchise cant think of anything new, so they legit remake an old movie, through in fusions because that sells like hotcakes, and make the animation pretty because thats all that matters.

Imo, this movie, like 99% of Super, is all flash and flair but no substance at all. At least this movie looked nice. unlike the show.

ok thats all i got lmao

#this got really long lol #longer than i intended #but thought of more stuff as i went #asks #cozymochi

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imthebrettofthegroup-blog · 7 years

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I just want to start off by saying that this is probably something you wont read and will probably scroll past. I want one person and his friends (all of cc) to read this and know how much they have helped me.

I have had a horrible week even though it only just started.

It technically started last monday but the worst of it arrived yesterday.

Last week I had a surgery on my ear (I had a hole in my ear drum causing hearing loss)

After the surgery I woke up wearing this ugly stupid red headband that I could tell would get annoying.

People thought it was normal, fashionable until I said its from surgery.

First few days were fine, my sleeping schedule on the other hand not so great.

I slept all day and stayed up all night until I went back to school.

I tried to fix that but it got worse until I was awake for two whole days with 0 hours of sleep. Then the next day, the next, the next, until it got to the fifth day.

I have had 6 hours of sleep over the past 5 days. I googled insomnia because a few people said that I might have that.

Insomnia can occur from several things, those of mine would be depression and anxiety.

I am technically not a senior because I dont have enough credits to qualify in the state of Texas.

Thats already stressful. Comes the first day of school my teacher who has been helping me with my learning disabilities told me I would have to work my ass off to get those credits in only a few short months.

Professional communications, we must present a poem about color. I thought of my poem abd I thought it was great!

Red is the first color of the rainbow

Orange is an orange

Yellow as yellow as the banana bus

Green, well those are peas

Blue mens group and blues clues too!

Beautiful indigo night skies

Violet, now where is she?

The more you know

That was my poem.

Then I got scared and almost didn't present it but I did and the look the teacher had on her face made it clear, she didnt like it.

Those cause my stress.

My depression oh boy,

Being bullied because of what I look like. People staring and pointing at me before the laugh while going down the hall to our next class. Thats all im seeing. Judgement.

Boys. Oh lord, I told my crush how I felt. I wrote it on the notebook app on my phone.

I sent it to my two close friends so they can see it before I send it (all of us girls do that)

They told me to send it but I was honestly scared and kept thinking "he doesn't like you who are you kidding. You know whats gonna happen. Stop. Trying." But I sent it and was shaking because I was so scared. I have never been so honest to a guy like that before, its scary!

Being the mofo sweet thing he is he said he thought it was cute and sweet.

Since I didn't have the guts to ask him how he felt about that, I asked my friend Faith to ask him.

He thought it was sweet and cute that I was so up front and honest about how I felt towards him (those werent the exact words, I understood what he meant anyways." But then the next like read "but I dont like anyone at the moment."

That was not the response I was wanting.

He two of my friends felt bad and told me not to worry but all I said is that it has happened to me many times before and Im used to it by now. Truth is Im not.

This guy I like really is the nicest guys I know. He is in the cooler group of people unlike me yet he still listens and read my insanly long paragraphs of me venting, only to respond with something that will make me feel better. All these other guys at our school pretend to be nice at first and then unmask their true self. "Fuqbois" I honestly thought he wad going to be like that but he is still here helping me out today. He makes me laugh in class by being a doofus *no joke, actually pauses typing session to open his snapchat- and actually bringing Shelby, Samar, Faith and us closer together. Yeah it annoys me when he sends me selfies and not say anything or start a conversation and even when I try he just doesnt talk (heckin turd) but I mean hey, he still helps me.

I will admit I felt worthless and unwanted but my two friends, immediately started to message me telling me its okay and trying to cheer me up. It didnt work.

I couldnt talk to him, I was too embarrassed. I talked to my new friend Matthew and he was telling me his story about how he was nothing to what he is now, a huge fuckin ladies man, guys ask him how he did it. He really tried just as much as the girls did but it didnt work.

I talked to my friend L (I know your name Latrice, just want to hurry sorry boo). She immediately knew something wad wrong and tried to help. I decided I just wanted some time alone so I asked "when I get back, can you send me a bunch of pictures of my man Brett?" And she said she would.

I didnt really get any alone time as all my friends kept texting me but I didnt want them to know and start to worry. I only talked to a few of my older girlfriends (going back since 7th grade) Bailey and my other friend Dani (queen) and my friend who was also by my friend Sakib (he introudced me to bre my bitch ass dork), Kate and Sakib were always there when I needed someone or something. Since my freshman year. They graduated as class of 2017 at Central, leaving me and a bunch of us behind. Kate helped me feel better but we didnt talk much. Bre was acting like a mom, I said I was so embarrassed and she said it wasnt embarrassing. How is that not embarrassing? "Because I said so" she made me feel better a bit more.

Bailey, she said I should respect that about him and I agreed. I said I hated couples besides her and her boyfriend Cody.

Her- I wish Cody had friends, I would set you up

Me- me too WAIT OMG "I wish Cody had friends" THE SHADE IS FEELING NICE OVER HERE!

Dani, my beautiful Queen oh my goodness! You already went through a horrible loss today and I wasnt there for you like I should have. I told her I always mess things up and ruin everything. -again gets on snapchat because Erick the cuck asked me a quetion and I answered and then he like died or something, gets distracted amd realizes that Jakob from cc opened my message and then gets on instagram to tell L and let her know Im still writing this, remembers Jakob, freaks out again, looks at notifcations and sees that my famdog Matt (super awesome one I talked about) changed his profile picture so I go check it out realized I was supposed to be typing this and comes back here to remember I need to go to the conversation I had with Dani earlier to put her quote- "its just people who need to learn to see whats so great and its right in front of them." That made me feel better.

I go back to instagram and ask for the pictures of Brett. They instantly make me smile. I dm her because I can connect with her on a certain level with certain things, I tell her I sent a note to Jakob and that I hope he reads it. I took a screenshot and sent to L who said it was so sweet. While typing that letter to Jakob, I had realized the reason Im still here and who I am now than who I was just two weeks ago and I began to cry. I had just realized that Brett has made me smile so much and made me laugh and giggle. He may not know it but he saved my life. Im in a group chat with L and Sam. The chat is called the Slaughter Club. We had met from a post Sam had put up saying she wants to make a gc with a bunch of cc fans and just have an awesome time. Im so glad I hit that comment button and asked to be in the group. Over a day after, we realized I was the oldest, Sam being the youngest and we kinda let her choose lol. Brett is the older one of the group, I was called the Brett of sc. Trevor being the youngest of cc, Sam being the Trevor of sc, L, she chose Aleks. So Aleks of sc she was. They would get great pictures of the guy of cc and I never saw good ones so I asked where, they brought me here. Since being in this group chat and being the adult in certain situations (also weird fact, whenever Im not there, shit happens like idek. Same with Brett with cc.) Brett has inspired me in so many ways and I know I will never have the chance to ever in any way tell him, this is how Im telling him how he saved me. Really, all I want is that the Cow Chop crew read this and know how much they mean to me. I have a feeling that I know they will never see this (especially Brett) but Im going to put this out there in the hopes he will. Thats what I want from this. I know its all stupid but the CC crew really have brought together an amazing group of friends who I love so much and want to thank for always being there. Thank you. -Caroline Hope Powell

#brett hundar #hundar #cow chop #modest cube #aleksandra zaryanova #alsojakob #please reblog #thank you #saved

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crimsoncoatedconscience · 7 years

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` they say there's a fine line between love and hate, and they're right -- you're on that side ( l o v e ) and i'm on this one ( h a t e ) ,

movie therapists tell all the sad and hate-filled main characters to write down their feelings in letters, or journals, because it'll "help." i really don't think it will, but that's more because at this point i don't think ANYTHING will help me. but if there's even the slightest chance...you should, right? i know that's what some people would say.

dear yura-noona,

you're literally the shittiest sister someone could ever have, and i hate you. i guess that's not what little brothers are supposed to say to their sisters, but. there you have it. you're a piece of shit, and sometimes i wish you were dead--or better yet, never born.

but at the same time...i really dont. i dont wish you were dead. i dont wish that you were never born. i dont hate you. not at all. and i hate THAT. i still remember hiding from mom together under your ugly barbie blankets, i still remember that time you played doctor and helped me when dad went a little overboard. i still remember singing to the few disney movies we had, and watching all your bad tv dramas.

i'm not saying everything was perfect, because it wasn't. you hit me almost as much as mom did, and we screamed at each other more than we talked normally, and i still remember when you threw my toys into the fireplace and lied to dad's face just so that he'd hit me instead of you.

it wasn't great before high school, but it wasn't the worst either. and then you did some really bad things to me in first year. things that i didn't realize were as bad as they were, until i got some...better people in my life.

...you and your "girls." ...they still give me nightmares, sometimes, when i can actually sleep. and it all only gets worse when i see your face on the news sometimes, but despite everything...im not mad. i dont hate you like i should. and i watch til the end of the broadcast, every time, just to be sure you're okay.

because you know...i get now, that it's not you. that it's mom, that it's dad. and you were just doing what you had to, to save yourself. and now that im...in a better place i guess, i realize just how shitty that is, but i'd have probably done the same. so i can't blame you.

and i dont hate you. i HATE that i dont hate you, and i hate that i still worry about you.

i hate MYSELF because i still love you,

- chanyeol

dear baechu,

i still can't believe how much i fuckin miss you. i don't think youre supposed to write to dead people, like im pretty sure thats bad and weird but i just. there's so many feelings, and this is supposed to be an outlet, and if you were here right now, i. i dont even know what i'd say. i think about it a lot--what id say if i woke up one day and you werent actually gone, and everything was okay again. because its not even close to okay right now, and i dont think it ever will be again, but...but im trying. because. because "take care?" was one of the last things you said to me, and its one of the only things that stops me when i get...bad. and then i think of that, but it just makes me so sad i actually want to die, but i CANT. ...i wont.

and if you were here again, id tell you that i hate how much power you still have over me, even if youre not here, and-- no. no i wouldnt. id tell you how sorry i am that im a piece of shit, and that im sorry you ever got involved with me in the first place, and that im sorry you suffered so much because of me. id tell you how sorry i am that i got you KILLED. that i couldn't help you because i was fucking LATE . AGAIN.

and id apologize for being the absolute shittiest oppa on the planet, and for just...everything. im still sorry i kept you waiting at graduation. i bet you looked wonderful, before all your flowers wilted, and you got upset because i didnt remember until several hours after the fact. im sorry you never made it very far into college, or pursued any of your dreams. im sorry that it was because of me, and that i took your whole life away. im sorry that you never got to do what you wanted, and that its because i had a few shots too many and spent too long falling on my ass in the crowd while they were MURDERING you.

im sorry that i was just that much too late one too many times, and i HATE that youre dead because of that. if i hadnt been drinking, or gone out at all, youd still be here, trying to get me to wear nicer shoes, and be more polite, instead of in the cemetery, and im just--im so sorry.

i still love you more than you probably ever knew, and i dont know the words to express how sorry i still am that i killed you and how much i HATE M Y S E L F for it.

- with love, chanyeol

dear zitao,

i actually dont know what to say. i think youre a pretty awful person--maybe worse than me, and im not sorry that youre dead. im only sorry i spent so long on you when i dont think you really deserved it, and im sorry about how much pain you ve caused sehun and im angry actually that you just went and got yourself killed after ruining everything--ruining ME. ruining sehun--one of the only people breathing on this earth that means anything to me.

but more than that, i hate MYSELF for getting involved with you and not getting out sooner, and ruining my relationship with yura-noona--the only person from my family that actually matters to me.

now that the shock is gone, the hurt gone, and now that im thinking clearer because i have to be sober, because you fucked EvERYTHING up im not sad anymore. im not upset. not that you're dead--only that your death caused sehun more pain than it had any right to and he almost DIED because of it.

and i guess more than any of THAT, i hate MYSELF for introducing sehun to you, and bringing you home, and into our lives and i hate that if it wasn't for that, sehun wouldn't have tried to kill himself.

sometimes i wish i'd never actually met you. so many things would be better, but even still.

i hate myself because i miss you.

- cànliè

p.s. im also sorry for all the times I hurt YOU and all the pain i caused--without thinking about it, and intentional. im sorry that you suffered because of me, and im sorry that i made everything as shitty as possible for a long time before i pulled my head out of my ass. im sorry that you were miserable enough with me to go to others for basic things like comfort or sex, and i hate myself because I did that to YOU.

and i hate that if your father hadn't come and murdered you because of reasons i still don't really understand, that you'd have probably killed yourself because of me anyway. so im sorry. i hate that im sorry, and i hate that any of this ever happened at all.

and i hate myself because maybe i'm the shittier person and you didn't deserve anything that happened to you after all.

dear sehun,

i dont even know where to start. im sorry that im an awful hyung and im so so thankful that you're still alive and here with me, and im sorry that you've had to suffer so much for me. when we were younger, i didnt realize just how much you would come to mean to me through the years--i didnt know that standing up for one scrawny kid and scaring the bullies off would lead to what we have today. and im not even sure what it is--its more than friendship, but i cant say you feel like family because my family is...well, you know. that's why you're here, with me. rather than with yura-noona.

and even if it left me with a scar, and even if it's what led to the start of everything going bad with her, and my parents--well, more than it already was--i dont regret saving you from her. part of me thinks i should. part of me thinks it was really stupid. i didnt know you. all i knew was that you were kinda lame, and couldn't take a hit for shit, and that you seemed like a nice kid, and i still have no idea why i went against the only person at the time that meant anything to me--the only one that was kinda on my side, sometimes--just to help get you out, but. i'm glad i did.

i don't know what i'd do without you. we have our moments, sure, but you help keep me grounded, keep me sane...keep me alive. sehun i cant even count the number of times i wanted to just end it all, and didn't because of you.

because you believe in me. you trust me, even after i failed you too many times to keep track of. you're there for me, and im sorry that i'm not always there for you. im sorry that i dont give you 100% like you give me, and i'm sorry that i dont always notice things, and that i'm the shittest hyung you could ever get stuck with IM SORRY.

...im sorry that i was almost too late to save you when you...yeah. i'm sorry i wasn't there sooner. i'm sorry that it happened because i ...brought zitao home,a nd got us into this mess in the first place. i'm sorry that i couldn't do better for you, that i cANT do better for you, and im sorry that you're stuck with me, and all of the pain that comes with me.

im sorry that i've failed you so many times, and im sorry that i've broken almost every promise i've ever made, and that i can't always keep you safe, or happy, and i'm sorry that i'm not superman, and i HATE that i can't be.

you're the best thing that's ever happened to me sehun, and im sorry and i hate myself because i must be the opposite for you. im really trying harder to be the person you make me out to be, and i hate that i can't achieve it. im sorry.

- chanyeol

dear joohyun-noona,

im sorry that we met the way we did. but im thankful that you helped me, instead of turning me away or leaving me to just...yeah. and i dont have the words but...thank you. without you i'd actually be dead, and even though it hurts and im more ashamed than i know how to say, i'd rather feel that than be, you know..gone. so thank you. thank you.

thank you for believing in me too, and for always saying the nicest things, even though i dont deserve to hear them, and i don't understand how you mean them. i know youre sincere, i just dont know how or WHY. im a monster compared to you, and i dont understand how you havent run screaming yet, or why you insist that im not because i AM and.

and i hate that i can't believe you. i want to noona, i do. but i can't, because there's just so much bad, and so many things i've done wrong, and i just. between stitches and real food and crashing on your couch ive come to love you a lot more than i have any right to, and im sorry that i dont deserve what you give me in return.

im sorry im always a mess, and taking up your time, and getting your clean floors dirty. im sorry that i cling, and break down too often, and i know you say you dont mind but how can you not? i haven't done anything in return except give you headaches, and i hate that.

i hate that you say nice things about me, that you tell me nice things, and make me think that i can be something better than i am, and i hate myself because i can't live up to those standards.

i hate myself even more because i know, if i really tried, i probably could. but im selfish, and there's so many things wrong with me, and so many things ive done WRONG that i dont...i dont deserve for things to get better. i dont deserve to try harder and turn things around, and i dont deserve the good that would come with that.

i dont deserve you at all and i hate myself because i can't let you go.

- chanyeol

dear yongguk-hyung,

i really dont know what to say except im sorry. i know you tried to help me in school and i really do appreciate it. even if it seems like i've thrown away everything you tried to help me with, its not because i hate you or what you tried to teach me. i just. bad things happened, and i hate that everything we did together just...fell away. i dont even know a good phrase for that, because nothing stuck, and im sorry for that too. that im a fuck up and a failure, and i hate myself because all i did was waste your time--time you could have used to make money off of other kids who actually had a future.

im sorry that i couldnt live up to what you wanted, and im sorry that we met again in the way we did, and i hate how awful i've become, and how awkward it is, and i hate that you look at me the way you do, but i dont hate you hyung. i hate ME.

i hate that im worthless, and useless and that i'm the actual biggest screwup ever, and im sorry that i broke the promises i made you. im sorry that i couldnt do better. and im sorry that you have to see me like this now.

every time i see you, the shame and regret and guilt are almost too much for me, and im sorry that it gets in the way of anything you try to say to me now. im sorry that i cant listen like i should, and i hate that i've disappointed you so much. ...and not just in school. or based on how many english words i remembered from our lessons.

im sorry that i'm an embarrassment, and that you have to deal with me again, and im just. so sorry that i didn't live up to your expectations.

i'm sorry that i can't be the person that you wanted me to be, and i hate myself because i still want you to treat me like i am.

- chanyeol

#divrpchanyeol #divgangau #self para hate

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